0:00:17 > 0:00:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Hello! Hello and welcome! Thank you very much.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Now, as you know,
0:00:25 > 0:00:29the producers on this show like to give us challenges.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Specifically when they give us a very small amount of money
0:00:32 > 0:00:34and tell us to buy a used car,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37then they set unbelievably hard tasks to do,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39- to see which one of us got the best deal.- Yeah,
0:00:39 > 0:00:43this week, for a Top Gear special, they came up with a real humdinger.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46They gave each of us 1,500 quid
0:00:46 > 0:00:48and told us to go to Africa
0:00:48 > 0:00:50and buy a car.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Yeah, and there were just two conditions -
0:00:53 > 0:00:55it mustn't be four-wheel drive
0:00:55 > 0:00:58and it mustn't be built in any way to go off road.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07The meeting point was the border post between Zimbabwe and Botswana,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11and, for once, I was the first to arrive.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Now, as you'd expect, I've done this properly.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21What I've got is a 1985 Mercedes Benz 230E,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23a car that Africa absolutely adores,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26because it's comfortable, it's rugged, it's dependable
0:01:26 > 0:01:31and, frankly, if the other two have brought anything other than one of these, they're idiots.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35The first idiot arrived.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41- Can you open the door? The handle's broken.- It's a Lancia Beta.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Coupe. 1981!
0:01:43 > 0:01:48The only Lancia of any sort in the whole of Botswana.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50It's done 29,000 miles.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Hmm. One owner, is it(?)
0:01:53 > 0:01:54A little old lady!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57'And boy, had she ragged it.'
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Yeah, that's normal, isn't it(?) That fizzing.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01That's, uh...
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- Yeah...- What's the piece of cardboard for? Mopping up moisture?
0:02:05 > 0:02:10- No, that's because the battery... - Shorts on the bonnet? - ..shorts on the bonnet.- Right.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12You've done well.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14So now what? Do you want a lift?
0:02:14 > 0:02:19We left the Lancia to cool down because Hammond was arriving.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- What the hell is that?- I don't know.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- Could it be a Moscovitch? Opel? - It's an Opel.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28And on the front it says "Kadett".
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Ah!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- Yeah!- What the hell have you done, man?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38It's an Opel Kadett from 1963.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42JAMES SNORTS
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- So that's the same age as... - Same age as me.- ..you!
0:02:42 > 0:02:47But it's in much better nick than you are. It was £1,200. I had change with which to buy beads.
0:02:47 > 0:02:53How much more simple can you get? It's got two moving parts and it's been here for 44 years.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57- I love the speedo.- I do like a horizontal speedo. I really do!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- Where's the engine?- It's there. - Hang on!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01It's tiny!
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- Do you want to know about the power? - Yes, I do.- 40.- 40?
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- 40 horsepower?- Well, they did do a sport version with 48, but I didn't want anything too lairy!
0:03:13 > 0:03:14You've both been idiots.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- No!- Brilliantly interesting, brilliantly stylish,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- but stupid!- Why's mine stupid? - Where is yours?- Because, well...
0:03:21 > 0:03:23RICHARD LAUGHS
0:03:23 > 0:03:26A Lancia? You have been a bit thick.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30With the cars at the start line, it was time for our challenge.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38"The people of Surrey think they need four-wheel-drive cars
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"because they live up a lane which sometimes has leaves on it.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46"You will now attempt to prove them wrong by driving your two-wheel-drive cars
0:03:46 > 0:03:49"from here on Botswana's eastern border with Zimbabwe... There.
0:03:49 > 0:03:55"..1,000 miles to its western border with Namibia."
0:03:55 > 0:03:59That's right across the spine of Africa.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I'm confident.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07'I wasn't.'
0:04:07 > 0:04:10We hadn't even started
0:04:10 > 0:04:12and the Lancia was playing up.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15ENGINE TURNS OVER
0:04:21 > 0:04:23James chose not to wait.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28He may be mechanically confident, but he has just turned right.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33- Did you see...?- That's...- Zimbabwe, which is where, I should point out, the BBC is not allowed.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36THEY LAUGH
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Sorry.- Sorry.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42The Lancia wheezed into life
0:04:42 > 0:04:45and Hammond and I set off in pursuit.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59If you think of the cars that this inspired,
0:04:59 > 0:05:04it was latterly built in Russia, where it became the Moscovitch, which was rubbish.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07And, of course, indirectly, the Vauxhall Astra.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Quite a lot of reasonably average cars
0:05:10 > 0:05:11owe themselves to this.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I don't know if you know, but Africa is quite large,
0:05:17 > 0:05:21and when you're out in a remote part, you need a car like this,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24that can be mended with a brick and a piece of string.
0:05:24 > 0:05:30What you have to remember is that three of the most rugged and successful rally cars ever made
0:05:30 > 0:05:36were Lancias - the Stratos, the O37 and the Delta Integrale.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Lancia know how to make a rally car.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Unfortunately, on the day my Beta Coupe was made,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45they obviously forgot everything.
0:05:45 > 0:05:50The gearbox is broken. The steering's broken. The window's are broken.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53In fact, we all had problems.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58Everything works except this knob, which controls the blower.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I've gotta have the windows open cos there's quite a strong smell of petrol.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05And that mirror which is actually slightly stuck.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Hazard warning lights, the clock, the fan, the handbrake,
0:06:08 > 0:06:09all of the dials.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12The brakes are terrible cos they only work on that wheel.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16They work very well on that wheel but only on that wheel.
0:06:16 > 0:06:22That instrument's a bit wobbly, but apart from that everything that's important works perfectly
0:06:22 > 0:06:26apart from the handbrake which I can pull as we go along.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Nevertheless, because we were on tarmac roads
0:06:30 > 0:06:33we decided to give our cars a shakedown.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Building up speed now.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38When it was made this car had 116 horsepower.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Top speed, 115mph.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Here we go.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Doing 100...
0:06:46 > 0:06:48kilometres-an-hour more.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Right, I'm gonna overtake the truck. Here goes.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54He's pulled out of its slipstream.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56It's really coming up. 105.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Still truck.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- 105.- Still truck.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- 105!- 3,000 revs, 3,500,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08pulls cleanly.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Hang on a minute.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13It's got no fifth gear.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18Someone's put the knob from a five-gear model on it.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24This is just the happiest car in the world.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29I shall call it Oliver. Not that we'd ever name a car on Top Gear. I wish I hadn't said that.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32It's not 10.05 in the morning
0:07:32 > 0:07:35and it's started to get QUITE hot.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I've got an idea.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Oh, yeah!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46That's better.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Don't know what that is. TOOTS
0:07:49 > 0:07:53TOOT! TOOT! A horn! TOOT! TOOT!
0:07:53 > 0:07:58Oliver, you've got a cold. Listen. TOOT! HE COUGHS
0:08:00 > 0:08:04We were having fun but then we discovered we were travelling with Bill Oddie.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Why've you got a pen?- To tick them off when you seen them.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Hornbill, Southern yellow-billed.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I'm gonna look at your car. It's massive!
0:08:11 > 0:08:16Don't knock, Oliver. Don't knock my car. That's a fine... He's a fine...
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- What did you call it then?- Oliver's a friend of mine and I thought you were talking about him.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24He's given his car a name!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29So far the journey had been a dawdle.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35But then the tarmac just sort of...stopped.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, this is bad!
0:08:42 > 0:08:46I can see from here how hard the suspension on Jeremy's Lancia is having to work.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47It's just a blur.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50HE LAUGHS
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Come on, Oliver, please.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57The later you book a lift in the Mercedes the more expensive it gets - like an airline.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Oh, God! Oh!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I've broken...
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Engine isn't working, it's cut out.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Oh, dear.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07He's done, literally, one kilometre of this.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- I know what's wrong. - Bonnet won't open.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Yeah. The bonnet catch...- Shut up!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Hammond was tetchy cos he knew the price of failure.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Anyone whose car broke down would have to complete the journey in a Beetle.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- It is collectively our least favourite car in the world.- Yes! - It's the punishment.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Please!
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Hang on! Hang on!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Ooh!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37ENGINE STARTS
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Well done, Oliver!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40What did you say?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42I said, "Let's...la, la, I love ya!"
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- Oh, my God!- What now?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47My car's on fire but in a specific place.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52- Wow! Look at that.- It was your magnifying glass.- There's a laser beam coming through it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- It's like acid.- Cardboard.- Piece of cardboard's gone.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- So it sets itself on fire.- If you don't have a piece of cardboard.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06We drove deeper and deeper into the bush.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Lancia! Yeah!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11CHILDREN SHOUT
0:10:12 > 0:10:13What is that?
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Looks like the sea.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Eventually the road disappeared altogether.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30People of Surrey, I hope you're watching this.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- We are... - HE LAUGHS
0:10:33 > 0:10:40..driving a Lancia Beta Coupe while just in the middle of... whatever you call this.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49The good news was we'd successfully reached our campsite for the night.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53The bad news came in the shape of another challenge.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55"Stretching before you is the Makgadikgadi.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"These are the biggest saltflats in the world
0:11:01 > 0:11:05"They are almost as completely lifeless and as wide as Portugal.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08"No car has ever driven across them.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11"If you run out of water you will die.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"If your car breaks down and you can't be rescued you will die.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"If you run out of food you will die.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"It's like driving on a creme brulee
0:11:19 > 0:11:23"There's a primeval ooze covered with a thin layer of salty crust.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27"If you have thin tyres you will break through that crust,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29"get stuck and you will die.
0:11:29 > 0:11:35"So we'd advise you to fit fat tyres and remove as much weight as possible before setting off."
0:11:36 > 0:11:37How hard can it be?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Don't say that!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42In camp, the weight shedding began.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Ready!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48That doesn't work.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Thanks awfully(!)
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Feel how much this seat weighs.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Like your work! - HE GROANS
0:12:01 > 0:12:03BANGING
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Argh!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Fuel filler, I'll need that, maybe.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16I don't want to take the hubcaps off, really, because they protect the...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18hubs.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20- Can I point something out?- What?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Hammond's walking round his car,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24muttering about how he needs all of it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I know exactly what he's doing.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29He's formed an emotional attachment, hasn't he?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32It'd be like saying to him, "Could you cut bits off your wife?"
0:12:32 > 0:12:33THEY LAUGH
0:12:33 > 0:12:35What are you doing?
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- I was going to take the radiator grille off, on the basis it's just an ornament.- Can I help?
0:12:39 > 0:12:44- Please do.- Do you want your windows out?- No, no, they're fine. I've worked that out.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- This'll be old glass. - Very thin glass.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Very thin.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53God, they come off easily!
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- James?- Yes?- Using nothing but a hammer...- Yes.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- Here's your beer.- Thank you, mate. Have we lost enough weight now?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08You haven't lost an ounce.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I've lost a spare wheel. And something else.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Look at mine. It'll need guide ropes to stop it floating away,
0:13:14 > 0:13:15like a balloon.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- So, tomorrow we die?- No, I think it's like all these things - exaggerated.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26We'll be fine. Honestly. We've done enough.
0:13:35 > 0:13:41'The next morning, on the edge of the saltpans, we thought we'd come under attack from a Bond villain,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45'but it turned out to be the vice president of Botswana.'
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- That is a- BLEEP- cool ride. - Yeah, it is.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53It's better than an official Rover 75 and a couple of policemen.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57'He was amazed to hear what was being planned.'
0:13:57 > 0:14:01I've just never known anyone to go across in a car.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04This'll be the first time, I think.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- There they are.- Oh, really?
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- Oh, really?- Yes. - That should be interesting.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13You were smiling. You've just stopped.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18'Buoyed by the vice president's optimism(!), we set off.'
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Nothing really prepares you for the sheer size of these.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I think, in a way, that it's more frightening than the Pole.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39You can see the curvature of the Earth.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46'As we ploughed on, the little Opel was going well.'
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Oliver is just skipping. Boo!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51This car was born to do this.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54'Sadly though, despite the weight-shedding,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56'my Lancia was not doing so well.'
0:14:56 > 0:15:01Judging by the way the tyres are digging in as I'm driving along,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I think a little bit more has to come out.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07'Still, as you can see from the tyres' grooves,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09'I was doing better than the Merc.'
0:15:11 > 0:15:14I'm looking at James's rear wheel and he's digging in a long way.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17'I tried to help him along.'
0:15:17 > 0:15:19CRASH
0:15:19 > 0:15:20That's really helpful(!)
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Well, there's always the Beetle, James!
0:15:23 > 0:15:24It's waiting for you.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29What are you going to do? It's sinking!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31How far's that? A mile?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32If that.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35'My Lancia waded in again.'
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Just a nudge.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38That's a crash.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40There's a thing(!)
0:15:40 > 0:15:43'Unfortunately, because it was an automatic, it was useless.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45'So, we told Richard to try.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48'But he didn't want to hurt Oliver.'
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Argh!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51JEREMY LAUGHS
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Argh!
0:15:52 > 0:15:56'This was hopeless, so we had to rope in the camera crew.'
0:15:56 > 0:15:59ALL: Three, two, one!
0:15:59 > 0:16:05'Because the ooze was so bad, we had to get even more drastic
0:16:05 > 0:16:07'with the weight shedding.'
0:16:09 > 0:16:11'We toiled away for hours.'
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Oh, God.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15'Well, two of us did.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18'And then, finally, we were ready.'
0:16:21 > 0:16:26Now, this is light. Lancia Beta Coupe.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Another modification. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:16:36 > 0:16:37This is excellent.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Why don't all cars have no doors?
0:16:40 > 0:16:45When I come to power, I'll make it a rule, cos this is just better.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55'However, the Makgadikgadi was not going to let us off that lightly
0:16:55 > 0:17:00'and soon even our super-lightweight cars started to struggle again.'
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Come on... Oh!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Oh, oh, yes.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10No, this isn't good.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Oh, no.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Only the Opel remained trouble-free, which was bad news for me.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21HE GROANS
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Yes, come on, man.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27I'll go forward Hammond and we'll do it again. Hang on.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29How far is it?
0:17:29 > 0:17:35- Oh, yeah, another five or six yards and we might be OK. - This is just horrible.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41- Keep going, keep going, keep going. - Yes, yes.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47No James, don't go there, you'll get stuck.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48That's close.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Come on.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55INDISTINCT
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- Can we have everybody and we'll push it off.- We need 100 men or more.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00No.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03This is hopeless.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05THEY GROAN
0:18:05 > 0:18:08People of Surrey, you need four-wheel drives for this bit.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15The gung was so sticky it had completely jammed the Lancia's rear wheels.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I can't describe...
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- You just think it's just mud... - Do you know what it is?
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Fish!
0:18:22 > 0:18:26It's just rotted prehistoric fish.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- One, two, three... - THEY GROAN
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Mercifully the ground eventually hardened
0:18:33 > 0:18:36and we made good progress.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Then suddenly the horizon was no longer flat.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:18:44 > 0:18:48This is interesting cos we're coming between what looked like islands.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I suppose they are as this was a lake.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Amazing, absolutely amazing!
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- Where are we? - It's an island.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14We're about...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16a third of the way across.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19And you've been stuck about 1,000 times.
0:19:19 > 0:19:25- That is smug. - Is that a baobab tree? I've always wanted to see one of those.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- Hammond, look at this.- Whoa.
0:19:27 > 0:19:33ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC
0:19:35 > 0:19:39It is just about the most astonishing place, I've ever been.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I'm with you there.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:19:49 > 0:19:52As the sun set, we headed for the campsite.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15'Day two on the saltpans and we'd been told that today our problem would not be mud
0:20:15 > 0:20:17'but dust.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22'That meant James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.'
0:20:26 > 0:20:30I've teamed up with a bin liner - v-necked!
0:20:30 > 0:20:34The last time I wore one of these, I went to see The Clash.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Frankly, I thought it was all a bit much.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I mean, how bad could this dust be?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- HE SCREAMS - My eyes!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I can't even see Jezzer, already.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53HE MUMBLES
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...
0:20:57 > 0:21:01I'm going to adjust my quarter light a bit, just an inch, that's better.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05HE COUGHS
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I can feel that now. It's nice(!)
0:21:11 > 0:21:14The headgear's come off.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Hello?
0:21:17 > 0:21:22James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24HE SPLUTTERS
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I've got consumption and TB.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I've got every single 1920s' disease.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34'And then Lord Smug piped up.'
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I had to close this, at one point, back that much,
0:21:37 > 0:21:41and then it pulls the air out and you get fresh air, it's nice.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- You know what it's like when someone punches you really hard in the face. - I do.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Then, the surface got even worse.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Argh!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56It was like we were descending through the seven circles of hell.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00No!
0:22:09 > 0:22:14I'd assumed it'd be the salts that would kill the notoriously rust-prone Lancia,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16but it was rough going.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Even though it had now smoothed out again, the Beta was in a bad way.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I've gone. I've gone.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- You can't get out? - I've got no power, no drive.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Do you remember what the man said, Jeremy?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Breakdown and you... have a nice time? No, die.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Well, that's loose, that's hot.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43CAR TURNS OVER
0:22:43 > 0:22:47It is a good job they counted this engine over by 20 degrees
0:22:47 > 0:22:52cos that means it's small and inaccessible than it would have otherwise have... Look at this.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55CAR TURNS OVER
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I've got to say, it has been nice, the peace,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07you know, not having him around.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09ENGINE TURNS OVER
0:23:09 > 0:23:14I've checked the alternator, the spark plugs, the HT leads and the distributor cap.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Poked around with the starter solenoid.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20There's been faults with all of them. But it still isn't going.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25I'm not sure which I favour most here, certain death... or that Beetle.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36ENGINE TURNS OVER
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Nnnngg, come off!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41HE BLOWS
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Oh, for God's sake.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I honestly believe it's had it.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- Is my car on the crab? - No, it's tracking true, mate.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59He's worried about tracking, and look at it.
0:23:59 > 0:24:05We knew that Jeremy would eventually catch us up, but what would he be driving?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I can see something in the mirrors.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- Please let it be a Beetle. - I do hope it's a Beetle.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- Please, please let it be a Beetle. - Please let it be a Beetle.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I'm back!
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Oh, Jeremy, well done, I'm disa... sorry, delighted.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30You're not in a Beetle!
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Not a Beetle, a fully functioning Lancia Beta Coupe!
0:24:35 > 0:24:39I just wanted the Beetle to pounce on you when you were straying behind.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I'm gutted.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Shall we just sandwich him, James?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45No!
0:24:45 > 0:24:46JEREMY LAUGHS
0:24:57 > 0:25:01With our convoy back up to strength, we pressed on.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Apart from Jeremy being Bill Oddie occasionally.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Flamingos breed out here.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08So that's breeding, is it?
0:25:08 > 0:25:13- It's a fossil.- It's not, it only died about two years ago. - I was talking about you.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- It's an ex-flamingo, it is no... - Hey, no, look!- What now?!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- I know what created this.- Ostrich.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Yes! It's legs are miles apart.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25That's exactly how it was walking.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28You know David Attenborough's about to retire...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- Can I just say...- What?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33You look like a gay cowboy and you look like a gay terrorist.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37You look like a terrorist with a broken windscreen wiper and your face is ridiculous.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40'Then Hammond started to pick on my car.'
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- Why haven't you turned it off? - It's gathering electricity.
0:25:43 > 0:25:50- So if you turn it off the battery's not going to start again? Turn it off and start it, then.- Yeah, go on.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Let's have some beautiful silence.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- Are you ready?- Yes. - Are you ready?- Yes.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58ENGINE STOPS
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- Behold... - ENGINE TURNS OVER
0:26:01 > 0:26:03RICHARD LAUGHS
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- Why did you turn it off, you idiot? - Because he said it would...
0:26:07 > 0:26:11- Good luck, mate, somebody will give you a jump-start. - Don't go away.- Goodbye.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Annoyingly, Clarkson got the Lancia going again
0:26:17 > 0:26:21and then we came across some big birds.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Wow!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34And then we saw even more wildlife.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37There's a cow.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Two cows, three cows.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Yes!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42We've done it!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44We had crossed the Makgadikgadi.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Trees!
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- Life!- Mate, did you ever think that you'd do that?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I'm genuinely proud of him. I am!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Really, I'm startled that this...
0:26:57 > 0:27:00It isn't a car any more. Whatever it is,
0:27:00 > 0:27:06has done it, with its low-profile tyres and its low suspension that's broken.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11I'm absolutely delighted because the Makgadikgadi is one of the most unpleasant places I've ever been.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15It's just a big bowl of dust. Hello, mate.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Widow Twanky may have been glad to see the back of the saltpans
0:27:21 > 0:27:25but despite this they gave us a startling parting gift.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- GASP - Wow, that is amazing.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- That's the moon?- Yeah, that's the moon.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37- Because of the dust from the pans, you get...- A moonrise.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- And in orange.- I've got goosebumps.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44I know a Philip Larkin poem about the moon. Would you like to hear it?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46No.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54As a new day dawned, our cars looked like wrecks.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57But their ordeal was far from over.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Yes, we had crossed the saltpans
0:28:01 > 0:28:05but we were still only a third of the way across Botswana
0:28:05 > 0:28:08and now we were about to enter the Kalahari.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18The Kalahari.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23Everyone who comes to the Kalahari takes away a different memory of it.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27The savagery, the simplicity... the vast heat.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Me, I think - bumpiness.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32It was as rough as hell
0:28:32 > 0:28:37so we were glad when news came through that we were to stop at the next village.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Obviously they recognise...
0:28:50 > 0:28:52a truly classy car.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59What could they possibly have in mind for us here?
0:29:04 > 0:29:06'It was another challenge!'
0:29:06 > 0:29:08- Eh, hello?- Here it is.
0:29:08 > 0:29:13- "Your cars have travelled far and suffered much."- Yes, they have.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16"So we will now discover how much performance they've lost
0:29:16 > 0:29:21"in a competition against the clock on a rally-special stage."
0:29:21 > 0:29:24- My car never lost any performance - it never had any.- That's true.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27I'm not going to ruin my Mercedes just for a few points.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31- You're right. You're not - because you're not driving it.- Well, who is?
0:29:31 > 0:29:37Some say he's seen The Lion King 1,780 times
0:29:37 > 0:29:42and that his second-best friend is a Cape buffalo.
0:29:42 > 0:29:48All we know is he's not The Stig but he is The Stig's African cousin!
0:29:48 > 0:29:53HEAVY ANTHEMIC ROCK MUSIC
0:29:53 > 0:29:54Wow!
0:30:00 > 0:30:03He's protected the important bits.
0:30:05 > 0:30:10Keen to get going, the three of us fired up our engines. Well, when I say three...
0:30:13 > 0:30:16It's absolutely dead. There isn't...
0:30:16 > 0:30:19Nothing is functioning. There is no electrical...
0:30:19 > 0:30:22- You two are not being helpful.- No.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24BOTH: What a stupid thing to say!
0:30:24 > 0:30:27- Interior light? Headlight?- Nothing.
0:30:27 > 0:30:32You don't know how to mend the ignition circuit on a 1981 Lancia B...? No.
0:30:32 > 0:30:33It was a long shot.
0:30:33 > 0:30:34It was a long shot.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38'Annoyingly, a couple of the locals did know what to do...'
0:30:38 > 0:30:40- ENGINE TURNS OVER - Yeah!
0:30:40 > 0:30:44'..And we drove to African Stig's rally stage
0:30:44 > 0:30:47'which was in a dried up river bed a few miles away
0:30:47 > 0:30:49'with packed spectator stands.'
0:30:49 > 0:30:51MOO!
0:30:51 > 0:30:52'Oliver went first.'
0:30:52 > 0:30:53Three, two,
0:30:53 > 0:30:55one...
0:30:55 > 0:30:57go!
0:30:57 > 0:31:01- Three miles an hour.- Do you know that when it was new it had 40hp? - Yup.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04- If it's lost one a year - minus four horse power.- That's what we'll see.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07He's going around the first corner. Hold on.
0:31:09 > 0:31:10That was a power slide.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16- Look at that! It does look... - Ridiculous is the word you're looking for.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21'As the Kadett struggled to get up the hill, the spectators left.'
0:31:21 > 0:31:24THEY CHUCKLE He's making a job of being The Stig's cousin.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26He's enjoying that.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29And...one minute 12 seconds!
0:31:29 > 0:31:32That's a good benchmark for you to try and beat.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35'Next up was the Panzer tank.'
0:31:35 > 0:31:39- Most powerful, longest, best tyres...- Slowest.- Longest?!
0:31:39 > 0:31:42- Longest is good for rallying, is it? - It is on this, yeah.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46So why on loose-surface rallies don't they turn up with Intercity trains?
0:31:46 > 0:31:48- Go!- Yeah!
0:31:48 > 0:31:53That's the most ridiculous spectacle I've ever seen in my entire life -
0:31:53 > 0:31:55a Mercedes with no bonnet, no front wings, no doors!
0:31:56 > 0:32:00In the hands of African Stig though it was flying!
0:32:00 > 0:32:02That is the latest in a long line
0:32:02 > 0:32:05of pedigree Mercedes-Benz sports cars.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07There's never been a Mercedes rally car.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Ah, yours is flying up the hill, mate. Look at it go!
0:32:11 > 0:32:15You wait till you see the Lancia - it will dance through there.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19- Great.- Oh, yes. - Oh, it's out of control!- No.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22That's a big slide!
0:32:27 > 0:32:30- One minute 6! - I'll just do my ancients.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33- I hate you gloating.- No, let him do it. It's like winning a semifinal.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36'Time now to put James in his place
0:32:36 > 0:32:39'because the Lancia was on home turf
0:32:39 > 0:32:41'with its rally pedigree.'
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Stratos 037...
0:32:43 > 0:32:45What?
0:32:47 > 0:32:49That's not dust - it's on fire!
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Get out and turn it off.
0:32:51 > 0:32:56RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:32:58 > 0:32:59Stopwatch still running.
0:32:59 > 0:33:0145 seconds.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03We'll replace the seal...
0:33:04 > 0:33:08and then...when it's cooled down a bit we'll be able to do the lap.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10There'll be some difficulty - he's off.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Maybe he's started. Start the stopwatch.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- I think he was in a hurry so he decided not to take your car. - Hey, Jeremy?
0:33:18 > 0:33:21- What?!- You were right though. Your engine - it's canted.
0:33:24 > 0:33:29'Once again, the broken Lancia was fixed and then Jeremy arrived
0:33:29 > 0:33:31'with some woe for all of us.'
0:33:31 > 0:33:33What?
0:33:33 > 0:33:35CLANG! We'll get some.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37CLANG! That's it.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Those are the fuel cans.
0:33:40 > 0:33:47'The problem was that Richard's car and mine ran on leaded fuel which was incredibly hard to find.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51'And it was no use turning to the film crew for help.'
0:33:51 > 0:33:56Diesel, diesel, diesel and two-stroke. Diesel... Guys, it's diesel and two-stroke.
0:33:58 > 0:34:03'The town of Maun was about 60 miles away and with little fuel
0:34:03 > 0:34:06'we would have to go there as the crow flies.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09'Now we really would see how they'd cope off road.'
0:34:09 > 0:34:14We have to try and keep the distance down to save what fuel we've got.
0:34:14 > 0:34:18All we're looking for is a track indicating that other people
0:34:18 > 0:34:21have passed this way and they would be heading to a town.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24- BLEEP!- That's how broken my car is.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26I was doing that in park!
0:34:30 > 0:34:31Oof!
0:34:31 > 0:34:34These thorns are incredible!
0:34:34 > 0:34:37Look at that! They look like cocktail sticks growing out of them.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Take cover. Ow!
0:34:42 > 0:34:48'Once again, the 44-year-old Opel absolutely shone.'
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Go on, little fella!
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Yah!
0:34:52 > 0:34:55'With our precious fuel burning away,
0:34:55 > 0:34:58'we carved out the straightest path possible.'
0:34:58 > 0:35:01Guys, do you know what we're driving through?
0:35:01 > 0:35:03Plants.
0:35:03 > 0:35:04No, this is a weed.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07It grows locally and it's a hallucinogenic.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Bluuuuuh!
0:35:13 > 0:35:18'If any car was going to get stuck, We'd have put money on the Lancia. But no.'
0:35:18 > 0:35:20All right, mate? Sorry!
0:35:20 > 0:35:22Horn doesn't work.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27'Clearly, I'd have to get myself out.'
0:35:27 > 0:35:30I'm going to make a rudimentary, temporary road
0:35:30 > 0:35:31for my back wheel.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Thank you.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36'Eventually, we found a smoother track.'
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Whoa!
0:35:38 > 0:35:42'And I did a detailed analysis of the Lancia's condition.'
0:35:42 > 0:35:44It's all broken.
0:35:44 > 0:35:51'As darkness fell, we found the road to Maun, but by this stage, even Oliver was suffering.'
0:35:51 > 0:35:52I can't use my lights.
0:35:52 > 0:35:58Alternator's packed up, all full of dirt and dust. I can have the lights,
0:35:58 > 0:36:02but not the engine, because it all dies. I've actually got Jonathan,
0:36:02 > 0:36:08who does the cameras for us, in here with me, lighting me when I talk to you, with a torch,
0:36:08 > 0:36:13which he then uses to light the road ahead when I'm not talking to you.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16KNOCKING
0:36:16 > 0:36:17Empty.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22'Finally, we rolled into Maun.'
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Which year was it made?
0:36:26 > 0:36:301981. It's just driven all the way from Zimbabwe to here
0:36:30 > 0:36:33- without going on a road.- Like this?
0:36:33 > 0:36:34Yeah.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36CAR BACKFIRES
0:36:35 > 0:36:36May!
0:36:36 > 0:36:40Get out the way of the pump!
0:36:37 > 0:36:40I shall move for you if you ask politely. I will move it.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42CAR BACKFIRES
0:36:43 > 0:36:45GLASS SMASHES
0:36:45 > 0:36:50Yeah, that's his light. They are grown-ups, honestly. They do this a lot.
0:36:51 > 0:36:57'We were now just over halfway and, amazingly, our cars were still running. All of them.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05'The next day in the centre of Maun, we got our next challenge.'
0:37:05 > 0:37:08This is it. The golden envelope.
0:37:08 > 0:37:13"You will drive your cars to Namibia through the Okavango Delta."
0:37:13 > 0:37:18- That's the really big wildlife place.- "In the Okavango, you will encounter many deadly animals,
0:37:18 > 0:37:23"including lions, leopards, cheetahs, hyenas, wild dogs, hippos,
0:37:23 > 0:37:25"black rhino and crocodiles.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29"..Birds, snakes, shieldnose snakes, puff adders,
0:37:29 > 0:37:34"cape cobras, banded cobras, black mambas, black widows
0:37:34 > 0:37:35"and thick-tailed scorpions."
0:37:35 > 0:37:38What about the honey badger?
0:37:38 > 0:37:39- The what?- Honey badger.
0:37:39 > 0:37:43That's the least-scary-sounding animal in the world.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47- A honey badger does not kill to eat you, it tears off your testicles.- It does not!
0:37:47 > 0:37:51- Why is it called a honey badger? - Exactly!- That's what made it angry.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Why isn't it called the badger of death?
0:37:53 > 0:37:57'In order to protect ourselves from the lions and honey badgers,
0:37:57 > 0:38:03'Jeremy and I would have to rebuild our cars. But because we'd left all the bits on the other side of
0:38:03 > 0:38:06'the saltpans, we had to use whatever we could find.'
0:38:06 > 0:38:07Could a lion eat this?
0:38:07 > 0:38:08Grrr.
0:38:08 > 0:38:12Who do I see about the corrugated metal?
0:38:12 > 0:38:15I suppose I'd better practise, at least...my lion drill.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Oh! There's a lion coming! What shall I do?
0:38:18 > 0:38:19That.
0:38:19 > 0:38:20Oliver will protect me.
0:38:20 > 0:38:25'Because I had nothing to do, I decided to irritate Jeremy.'
0:38:25 > 0:38:27I've got to go to that tarpaulin man.
0:38:27 > 0:38:32- Tarpaulin.- Tarpaulin will defeat a honey badger.- That's well known!
0:38:32 > 0:38:35It's well-known for its almost military protective capabilities.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38That's why you see people going into war zones draped in tarpaulin.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42Could you put a new door on a car? Come and have a look.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45It's not sophisticated metalwork, this, but...
0:38:46 > 0:38:48THEY CONFER
0:38:53 > 0:38:59- I would like a tarpaulin roof for a Lancia Beta Coupe 1981.- Right.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01We can make anything.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05Do you have any lion-proof tarpaulin? This thick.
0:39:05 > 0:39:06Yeah...
0:39:10 > 0:39:14One and a half metres by one and a half metres.
0:39:14 > 0:39:19- If you think of a lion door, it'd be about that big.- Could you ignore him and make me that?
0:39:25 > 0:39:29'Because Mercedes were very popular in Africa, James soon found
0:39:29 > 0:39:33'a spare door and boot lid for his car.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39'And while he was looking for more bits...
0:39:39 > 0:39:41'I hatched a plan.'
0:39:44 > 0:39:46That's a cow's head.
0:39:46 > 0:39:47Yeah.
0:39:47 > 0:39:53Now, this will attract flies. It'll make his life unpleasant. It will also attract lions, tigers...
0:39:53 > 0:39:57He effectively becomes a burger van driving...
0:39:57 > 0:39:59'And to make sure the lions didn't miss...'
0:39:59 > 0:40:02- That's a whopper!- A good piece.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Under this seat.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10Ooh! The smell will really...
0:40:10 > 0:40:11Beautiful.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15'We also attached a cow bell to the underside of his car.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18'But while we were doing this, he was making merry with the paint.
0:40:23 > 0:40:27'That afternoon, we left Maun and headed north to the Okavango Delta.'
0:40:29 > 0:40:36Right. My car now has been readied. As you can see, I have a wooden door here. It's a gull wing,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39so I can get in and out, obviously.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42This is like being in an allotment shed.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45..On a very windy day.
0:40:45 > 0:40:51On the left, I have all the cans that were in the car from the last few days.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54And the piece de resistance - badgers go away!
0:41:01 > 0:41:05I am the road warrior.
0:41:05 > 0:41:06Mad Jeremy.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08SIREN WAILS
0:41:08 > 0:41:10It's a police car.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17RATTLING
0:41:17 > 0:41:21Can anybody else smell burning, or is it my car?
0:41:21 > 0:41:22Is it like a barbecue smell?
0:41:22 > 0:41:24LAUGHS
0:41:25 > 0:41:28As we neared the Okavango
0:41:28 > 0:41:30the roads became rougher and rougher.
0:41:30 > 0:41:34This is where the Benz comes into its own - it's got good ground clearance...
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Bloody hell!
0:41:37 > 0:41:42This is enough to shake the skulls from your bonnet,
0:41:42 > 0:41:45and nobody in the whole of human history has ever said that before.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50So, just to summarise, viewers...
0:41:50 > 0:41:54As we went through the gates and into the game reserve,
0:41:54 > 0:41:58the road changed again... for the worse.
0:41:58 > 0:41:59This is new - very soft sand.
0:41:59 > 0:42:06To stop our cars bogging down, we had to drive as fast as possible
0:42:06 > 0:42:10and we had ourselves another rally stage.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13THEY GROAN
0:42:13 > 0:42:17Amazingly, even Jeremy had his work cut out
0:42:17 > 0:42:20keeping up with the Opel.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23Hammond's car's looking SO composed.
0:42:23 > 0:42:24I'm developing
0:42:24 > 0:42:27this irrational hatred of him
0:42:27 > 0:42:29and it.
0:42:29 > 0:42:30This is such a good game!
0:42:30 > 0:42:33Eventually he was slowed down by a bridge...
0:42:33 > 0:42:37over the River...Kwai.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40HE WHISTLES: "Colonel Bogey March"
0:42:40 > 0:42:43'The rally stage had taken its toll on one of the cars -
0:42:43 > 0:42:45'take a guess which one.'
0:42:45 > 0:42:48I'm in a car which had got a throttle that's jammed right open
0:42:48 > 0:42:51and I can't hold it on the brakes.
0:42:51 > 0:42:52Hammond, move!
0:42:52 > 0:42:57- You're gonna have to go faster - I'm gonna hit you.- What?!
0:42:57 > 0:43:00- Ah, God!- Help yourself to my brakes, why not(!)
0:43:00 > 0:43:03- I've lost a skull.- Monkeys!
0:43:03 > 0:43:05- I'm sorry... - GLASS SMASHES
0:43:05 > 0:43:06BLEEP
0:43:06 > 0:43:07Woah!
0:43:07 > 0:43:10ENGINE REVS
0:43:10 > 0:43:13You can hear the throttle - that's tick-over.
0:43:14 > 0:43:20Having bodged my throttle, we headed deeper into the Okavango.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24Front, 12 o'clock...1 o'clock.
0:43:24 > 0:43:30This is where wildlife cameramen come to make a name for themselves
0:43:30 > 0:43:31with David Attenborough.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34But unfortunately, our crew are best, really, with cars.
0:43:34 > 0:43:37A giraffe on the right.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39There, the big thing!
0:43:41 > 0:43:44If we ever do a programme called The Back End Of An Animal,
0:43:44 > 0:43:46'these are the boys to hire.'
0:43:46 > 0:43:48This week on Too Late To Look...
0:43:48 > 0:43:51A baboon on the left with a baby on its back.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54To give our crew a chance, we stopped...
0:43:54 > 0:43:58and discovered that we weren't much good at animals either.
0:43:58 > 0:44:01Wow, look! Look!
0:44:01 > 0:44:03- A hippo's head.- Oh, it is.
0:44:03 > 0:44:06It's probably a whole hippo - the rest of him is under the water.
0:44:06 > 0:44:07HIPPO SNORTS
0:44:07 > 0:44:10What does a hippo do just before it attacks?
0:44:10 > 0:44:12- Opens its mouth.- Opens its mouth.
0:44:12 > 0:44:15It can open its jaw... There's a thing it can do.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19- Ah, look!- Ah, look at that!
0:44:19 > 0:44:21They've stopped for a drink...
0:44:21 > 0:44:25using their noses to shovel water into their mouths.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27Jeremy, that's a rubbish commentary.
0:44:27 > 0:44:29'James took over.'
0:44:29 > 0:44:32- That one's lifting its paw up a bit like a dog does.- Paw!
0:44:32 > 0:44:34Hoof, foot, whatever you call it.
0:44:34 > 0:44:36- Hoof?!- What is it on an elephant?
0:44:36 > 0:44:39There is a man over there with the best comb-over
0:44:39 > 0:44:41I have ever seen in my life.
0:44:44 > 0:44:46That is...
0:44:48 > 0:44:51He's got four partings as a result of that, can you see?
0:44:51 > 0:44:53Why...? (You're bald!)
0:44:53 > 0:44:56- Live with it! - He caught me looking at him!
0:44:56 > 0:44:58JEREMY LAUGHS
0:44:58 > 0:45:00I was looking through the binoculars!
0:45:00 > 0:45:03I was looking at the elephants really!
0:45:03 > 0:45:06Look at that sun now, boys.
0:45:06 > 0:45:08Elephants, rally special stage,
0:45:08 > 0:45:11- best comb-over I've seen... - Everything's here.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26'We camped by the river,
0:45:26 > 0:45:29'and while James serviced his car, I hatched a plan.'
0:45:29 > 0:45:31Jeremy!
0:45:31 > 0:45:32Jeremy.
0:45:32 > 0:45:35- Jeremy!- What?- Quick, come here. Come here!
0:45:35 > 0:45:39- That's a cow's head.- Yeah. It wasn't working in the boot.
0:45:39 > 0:45:42- I've had a better idea.- What? - Tent.- His tent?- Yeah.
0:45:42 > 0:45:43Love your thinking.
0:45:43 > 0:45:45Second one from the right.
0:45:45 > 0:45:46That's his.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48In, in, in!
0:45:49 > 0:45:52Put it under his bed.
0:45:52 > 0:45:53What?
0:45:53 > 0:45:54GRUNTING
0:45:54 > 0:45:56- What was that?- It was a hippo.
0:45:56 > 0:45:57WATER SPLASHES
0:45:57 > 0:45:59What? Close?
0:46:01 > 0:46:03That sounded very close.
0:46:03 > 0:46:05Oh, my...!
0:46:05 > 0:46:07- Hippos spend all day in water...- Yes.
0:46:07 > 0:46:10And then they come out at night because...
0:46:10 > 0:46:11I can't remember why.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14Well, thank you - that's useful(!)
0:46:16 > 0:46:18Oh, brilliant(!)
0:46:18 > 0:46:20Do you want to go out there
0:46:20 > 0:46:23with a hippopotamus
0:46:23 > 0:46:26or do you want to stay in here with a horse's head?
0:46:26 > 0:46:29- That's not a question... - Not a horse, a cow!
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Um, hang on.
0:46:31 > 0:46:33That's my bag in James's te...
0:46:33 > 0:46:35This is MY tent!
0:46:35 > 0:46:38- JEREMY LAUGHS - Oh, man! Get it out!
0:46:41 > 0:46:43Our starting point at the Zimbabwe border
0:46:43 > 0:46:45felt like it was in another time zone,
0:46:45 > 0:46:48but still there were many miles of delta to cover,
0:46:48 > 0:46:53and our cars were in a really bad way.
0:46:53 > 0:46:57The bush mechanic we have on the team
0:46:57 > 0:47:00took two cubic feet of sand our of my carburettor last night
0:47:00 > 0:47:04and asked if I wouldn't mind driving a more slowly today.
0:47:04 > 0:47:05COWBELL RATTLES
0:47:05 > 0:47:09Hahaha! James's cowbell! COWBELL RATTLES
0:47:09 > 0:47:14Our second-hand road cars were getting more out of their depth.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17This is proper off-roading now.
0:47:17 > 0:47:22Men in camouflage trousers in Wales who like murdering people at weekends,
0:47:22 > 0:47:24would say this is tough going.
0:47:24 > 0:47:26It was a whole... THUNK!
0:47:26 > 0:47:28Oh...
0:47:28 > 0:47:31- What is it? It's like iron. - It's a tree root.
0:47:31 > 0:47:33I think I've bent the steering back a bit.
0:47:34 > 0:47:36Wow!
0:47:37 > 0:47:40Wow, there is an elephant right there.
0:47:40 > 0:47:43A door down.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46That would stop an elephant.
0:47:47 > 0:47:50Soon our route was blocked by a river,
0:47:50 > 0:47:54and what you're supposed to do is wade in to check the depth.
0:47:54 > 0:47:57Right...
0:47:57 > 0:48:01Jeremy made us drive on until he got bored.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04- Here.- No.- What?- No.
0:48:04 > 0:48:09A agree with him for once cos that reedy stuff must mean it's shallow.
0:48:09 > 0:48:13- It's shallow where the reeds are, you fool.- We'll drive over to them.
0:48:13 > 0:48:17- You've got to drive through the water first.- We can't keep going,
0:48:17 > 0:48:22- we've done 30 miles.- I'm frustrated cos you can't just drive into a river because you're bored.
0:48:22 > 0:48:27I do a fair bit of off-roading, and I know that's not the place to go across. You're wrong.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30I'm going through here, are you going to carry on?
0:48:30 > 0:48:34- I will if you're going through there. - We'll go, keep your radio on.
0:48:34 > 0:48:38- All right, I'm going.- I'm not gunning it, I'm not doing a 4x4.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41- So edging?- Fan belts off. - Fan belts off is a good idea.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43It'll splash water into the distributor.
0:48:43 > 0:48:47James went first and I said I'd watch for crocodiles.
0:48:48 > 0:48:51Oh, I say! There's a ground hornbill over there.
0:48:51 > 0:48:53It's getting a bit deeper.
0:48:53 > 0:48:56Oh, hang on a minute... Permission to say, "cock".
0:48:56 > 0:48:58It's coming in!
0:48:58 > 0:49:01Thunderbird One to the rescue!
0:49:01 > 0:49:05- 'Come on, I'm sinking by the boughs!'- Coming!
0:49:07 > 0:49:10Argh! No!
0:49:10 > 0:49:13- I can't help you!- Come on!
0:49:13 > 0:49:17- James, I'm in a low-sprung sports car.- I'm going down.
0:49:19 > 0:49:22That's good. Yes!
0:49:22 > 0:49:24There's water coming in to my car!
0:49:26 > 0:49:28I've got a wet bottom!
0:49:28 > 0:49:31We're through!
0:49:33 > 0:49:37Both our cars were flooded by our guides weren't bothered at all.
0:49:37 > 0:49:40People of Surrey, if this happens to you, water in the footwell
0:49:40 > 0:49:43and you need to drain it out, you're gonna need a hole.
0:49:43 > 0:49:45The people of Botswana have a tip for you.
0:49:45 > 0:49:48COCKS RIFLE
0:49:48 > 0:49:50GUNSHOT
0:49:50 > 0:49:52COCKS RIFLE
0:49:52 > 0:49:54GUNSHOT
0:49:56 > 0:49:58WATER TRICKLES
0:49:58 > 0:50:01Meanwhile, using patience, I'd used a proper crossing point.
0:50:03 > 0:50:06There is a technique to fording rivers.
0:50:06 > 0:50:12Even on a proper ford like this, you've got to keep enough speed up to push a bough wave like that,
0:50:12 > 0:50:16Then you use whatever power you've got in the engine - come on...
0:50:16 > 0:50:18Oh, my G...! Oh no!
0:50:19 > 0:50:22Oh, God!
0:50:24 > 0:50:27He stalled! He's going down!
0:50:27 > 0:50:30I can't open the door! Oh!
0:50:31 > 0:50:33(GASPS) Oh, God...!
0:50:40 > 0:50:43HE STRAINS
0:50:43 > 0:50:45Please, come out!
0:50:45 > 0:50:49Come on! Float! Float! Float!
0:50:49 > 0:50:52OLIVER!
0:50:53 > 0:50:58- Hammond, how's it going?- Well, I got a bit of water in him.
0:50:58 > 0:51:01'We did as well, but it doesn't matter. Using rifles,
0:51:01 > 0:51:05- 'we shot the car, so the water's drained out. It's brilliant.'- Good.
0:51:06 > 0:51:08I might need the rifle.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13As a local tourist truck pulled me out,
0:51:13 > 0:51:15the laughing hyenas arrived.
0:51:15 > 0:51:20HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER
0:51:20 > 0:51:22'May gave his diagnosis.'
0:51:22 > 0:51:26Starting from the top, the battery's probably knackered
0:51:26 > 0:51:29and then the carburettor would be flooded.
0:51:29 > 0:51:32Working down, the distributor cap will be full of water.
0:51:32 > 0:51:35The engine itself, if a bit of water went into the cylinders,
0:51:35 > 0:51:39- you might've broken something. The oil will be ruined. - I know! I'll fix him.
0:51:39 > 0:51:43- You are going to try and mend this? - If you leave me to it, yeah.
0:51:43 > 0:51:45So we did.
0:51:45 > 0:51:50# All by myself
0:51:52 > 0:51:55# Don't wanna be all by my... #
0:51:55 > 0:52:00Oh, that's harsh. That is quite harsh, but go on.
0:52:00 > 0:52:07# Are you sure you've had enough... #
0:52:07 > 0:52:09Oh, he'll like this one.
0:52:09 > 0:52:11BOTH: # Sad, so sad
0:52:11 > 0:52:16# It's a sad, sad situation... #
0:52:16 > 0:52:19COWBELL RATTLES
0:52:19 > 0:52:22Unfortunately, you can only give a man so much sympathy.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25So James and I went ahead to make camp.
0:52:30 > 0:52:33Hammond knew that in the morning, if his beloved Oliver wasn't fixed,
0:52:33 > 0:52:35he'd have to leave him behind.
0:52:35 > 0:52:39So he got our bush mechanic to bring the generator down.
0:52:41 > 0:52:44And worked on through the night.
0:52:54 > 0:52:56Morning came.
0:52:56 > 0:52:58And still no Hammond.
0:52:58 > 0:52:59I'm knackered today.
0:52:59 > 0:53:03I mean, I feel quite like an explorer.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05FAINT CLATTER OF ENGINE >
0:53:05 > 0:53:07Is that Hammond?
0:53:07 > 0:53:10Is it a Beetle, more to the point?
0:53:18 > 0:53:19No way!
0:53:23 > 0:53:24No way!
0:53:24 > 0:53:26Oh, yeah.
0:53:26 > 0:53:27Yeah, he's back.
0:53:28 > 0:53:30Ah!
0:53:32 > 0:53:36And here's the best thing. Do you remember the horn which was rubbish?
0:53:36 > 0:53:37BEEPS THE HORN
0:53:37 > 0:53:38It's excellent.
0:53:39 > 0:53:40Ah!
0:53:40 > 0:53:43- Is that technically possible? - Probably not.
0:53:43 > 0:53:47In 47 years, I've never been speechless.
0:53:48 > 0:53:51With all the cars defying all the odds,
0:53:51 > 0:53:56we began our final push to the border.
0:53:57 > 0:54:01My car is working perfectly, as usual.
0:54:01 > 0:54:04I've got no brakes, the pedal goes straight to the floor
0:54:04 > 0:54:08and I have to de-clutch to stop. I'm using the handbrake.
0:54:08 > 0:54:10Hah! The Lancia could beat that.
0:54:10 > 0:54:16Every time I brake, it spears off to the right and I'm unable to steer left to correct that.
0:54:16 > 0:54:20This has now gone from being a nuisance to being downright dangerous.
0:54:20 > 0:54:24We soon reached the end of the Okavango,
0:54:24 > 0:54:27so we pulled over to remove the animal protection.
0:54:27 > 0:54:29And then, guess what!
0:54:29 > 0:54:33The Lancia simply would not get going again.
0:54:33 > 0:54:36It won't start because the starter solenoid has packed up.
0:54:36 > 0:54:40But when it was running, it wouldn't move off in any of the gears.
0:54:40 > 0:54:43It was just that last 60k.
0:54:43 > 0:54:46It had that feel of a car that was dying.
0:54:46 > 0:54:51'Richard actually sympathised, because he'd been there. As for James...'
0:54:51 > 0:54:53Beetle.
0:54:55 > 0:54:57I'll push it.
0:54:59 > 0:55:05- Is this a good time to acknowledge that mine is the only one that has worked consistently?- No.
0:55:05 > 0:55:09This is worrying. I need to be home by Saturday.
0:55:09 > 0:55:11I've been invited to a beetle drive.
0:55:11 > 0:55:15'The entire crew was working on the stricken Beta
0:55:15 > 0:55:20'until we were rewarded with the most glorious sound in the world...
0:55:20 > 0:55:21- 'life!' - ENGINE PUTTERS
0:55:21 > 0:55:23It lives!
0:55:23 > 0:55:25It lives!
0:55:25 > 0:55:28I got a whole hundred yards!
0:55:28 > 0:55:30Oh, I'm not stuck.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32The idle speed's not good.
0:55:35 > 0:55:37Bye, everybody! I can't stop.
0:55:37 > 0:55:39Please! Please!
0:55:41 > 0:55:46Soon we hit the tarmac and we started to taste the hope.
0:55:50 > 0:55:53Just 20 miles. You can do that. You've crossed Botswana.
0:55:53 > 0:55:57I'm stuck in second but second will do.
0:55:57 > 0:56:02Obviously, mine would keep going to the other side of the continent but...you know.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04Come on, ten miles, please!
0:56:04 > 0:56:08Then something really surprising happened.
0:56:09 > 0:56:11Oh, no, not now.
0:56:12 > 0:56:13Please!
0:56:13 > 0:56:17'Because the Lancia had been such a problem child,
0:56:17 > 0:56:19'everyone was fed up with it.
0:56:19 > 0:56:22'Only two of the crew stayed behind to help.'
0:56:22 > 0:56:24Carburettor's gone.
0:56:24 > 0:56:27Even if we can get that fixed, the starter motor has gone.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30We put it into gear, it goes into third
0:56:30 > 0:56:32and that just stalls the engine.
0:56:33 > 0:56:36The border was just five miles away.
0:56:36 > 0:56:43- This is an object lesson for the owners of old cars everywhere. - Yeah, it's really relaxing(!)
0:56:43 > 0:56:44CREAKING
0:56:44 > 0:56:46- Come on! - CREAKING
0:56:46 > 0:56:47The border!
0:56:48 > 0:56:531,596 kilometres, that's near as damn it 1,000 miles.
0:56:53 > 0:56:57I've still got half a car left and very bad hair.
0:57:00 > 0:57:02I don't believe that.
0:57:05 > 0:57:07Sorry!
0:57:07 > 0:57:08I've got no brakes.
0:57:08 > 0:57:11JAMES CHUCKLES Um... yeah...
0:57:14 > 0:57:15It's there.
0:57:15 > 0:57:18We've done it!
0:57:20 > 0:57:22All we had to do now was wait...
0:57:22 > 0:57:25wait to see which car Jeremy arrived in.
0:57:27 > 0:57:29- Is that an engine?- It's a car.
0:57:31 > 0:57:35The unmistakable clatter of a vehicle engine.
0:57:35 > 0:57:36It's gonna be the Beetle.
0:57:36 > 0:57:38And it was.
0:57:43 > 0:57:45- But- I- wasn't driving it.
0:57:45 > 0:57:47Yeah!
0:57:47 > 0:57:50- I'm almost pleased.- Yeah.
0:57:52 > 0:57:54Oh, that's excellent.
0:57:55 > 0:57:57Watch! The brakes don't work.
0:57:57 > 0:57:58Sorry, there's no brakes.
0:57:58 > 0:58:00Congratulations.
0:58:00 > 0:58:01That's astonishing.
0:58:04 > 0:58:07I think realistically we have to say
0:58:07 > 0:58:09- the Lancia's won it.- Why?!- Um...
0:58:09 > 0:58:14- By what possible measure?- It's the most surprising.- It's the worst.
0:58:14 > 0:58:18You don't buy a second-hand car to be surprised that it still works.
0:58:18 > 0:58:22- It had to be rebuilt once a day. - Yeah, you're right. It's rubbish.
0:58:22 > 0:58:24- Mercedes is the best car.- Why?- What?
0:58:24 > 0:58:27- I've had to change ONE spark plug. - Take the entire body off.
0:58:27 > 0:58:32- It's a showroom model, James.- All right, it's not entirely original
0:58:32 > 0:58:34but in mechanical terms it was perfect.
0:58:34 > 0:58:38I think, honestly, we have to be magnanimous here,
0:58:38 > 0:58:42because only one of the cars has actually made it unmodified.
0:58:42 > 0:58:45So that brings us on to a Top Gear top tip -
0:58:45 > 0:58:48if, people of Surrey, you want to replace your BMW X5
0:58:48 > 0:58:52- with something that's brilliant off road...- Simple.- ..simple,
0:58:52 > 0:58:57- inexpensive...- Easy to maintain, surprisingly comfortable.- Yes.
0:58:57 > 0:59:01- ..then you've got to get yourself a Volkswagen Beetle.- What?!
0:59:01 > 0:59:04- It's true.- Jeremy's right. - It's true.
0:59:04 > 0:59:07You've replaced all the electrics in that...
0:59:24 > 0:59:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:59:26 > 0:59:29E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk