0:00:18 > 0:00:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Hello, hello! Hello, everybody!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Hello and welcome...
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Hello and welcome to a sea of disappointed faces,
0:00:29 > 0:00:33as these people have driven all the way down here today,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37only to find that the show isn't actually coming from here today.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40No, it is in fact coming from 6,000 miles away,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43here, in Vietnam.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Yes, we were told to meet in the centre of Saigon,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47and await further instructions.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49So, sit back, enjoy the ride.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56'We arrived in Saigon and got straight down to business.'
0:00:56 > 0:00:58No! Mel...
0:00:58 > 0:01:00That was Mel Gibson!
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Mel Gibson is We Were Soldiers.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- You're thinking of Hamburger Hill... - Since we left...
0:01:04 > 0:01:10- He sticks the knife...- Yes, and Private Pyle was Full Metal Jacket which was shot in the Docklands.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Will you stop going on about what I imagine are war films?!
0:01:13 > 0:01:14- Ah!- Challenge!- Hello. Thank you.
0:01:14 > 0:01:21- Er...- "Since you can buy Rolexes here for a fiver and lunch for 50p,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23"you're standing in the world's biggest pound shop.
0:01:23 > 0:01:30"You should therefore have no trouble at all buying some wheels for 15 million dong."
0:01:30 > 0:01:3215 million?!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Are these full of money?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- LAUGHTER - Wow!
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Look at that! 15 million dong.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I love the smell of money in the morning.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Smells like wheels!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53'Delighted that for once, the producers had been generous, we headed for the showrooms.'
0:01:53 > 0:01:57I love having inches of money!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00'But our joy was short-lived, as James discovered,
0:02:00 > 0:02:04'when he tried to buy a bog-standard Fiat 500.'
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Can you tell me how much?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Um, 500...
0:02:08 > 0:02:11560 million Vietnam dong.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- 560 million?!- Yeah.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19How much is 15 million dong?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Um, just about 1,000 US dollar.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29'Even the back-street car dealers were no good.'
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Is it enough?- For what?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32For a car?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- For the car?- Yeah.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- What happen with the car? You want to...- To buy.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41To buy the car?!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Yeah.- Oh, I cannot.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48'Jeremy, meanwhile, had become desperate.'
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Would you sell me your car? Can I buy your car?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Sell me your car!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Please!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04'And Hammond had given up and gone for lunch.'
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Nothing.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08It is quite tricky.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Pull up a chair, have a seat.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- What?!- They're not very big.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17No! I've said to you all along, you two are the freaks.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19This place is perfectly scaled. I love it.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22'But Hammond's joy at fitting in the chairs
0:03:22 > 0:03:24'wasn't going to get us out of our hole.'
0:03:24 > 0:03:29I'll tell you the problem. Cars only came to Vietnam a few years ago, OK?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Four or five years ago. They've got a 200% import tax on them.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38They haven't had time, in the four or five years since they've been here, to get cheap.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39There are no bangers.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Everything's expensive and we're actually quite poor.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49'It did look like we'd come a long way for nothing,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52'but then James and I had an idea.'
0:04:00 > 0:04:01No.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- Go on.- No.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Look around us. What do we see everywhere?- No, I can't.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08You know I can't do that.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10What else is there?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I bet you can get a bike for that.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I bet you can get a lump of excrement for that as well.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- It doesn't mean...- It's transport with an engine. It's the only choice. - Come on.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- No.- Look, that's all we've got.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Bikes.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31'James and I did have a point.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33'Because cars are so expensive in Vietnam,
0:04:33 > 0:04:38'bikes are used as family saloons, delivery trucks, people carriers.
0:04:38 > 0:04:44'They're used for everything. If you don't have a bike here, you're a nobody.'
0:04:46 > 0:04:49'So we took the plunge as well, and an hour later,
0:04:49 > 0:04:54'met up at the American War Museum with our cheap-as-chips wheels.'
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I bought this. It's a Minsk.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04Russian, 125cc, and it's basically the AK47 of bikes -
0:05:04 > 0:05:06rugged, simple, easy to repair.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10It is built specifically to be used in countries where there are no roads.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13It will be - for whatever they throw at us - perfect.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I've gone completely native and I've bought this.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20It's an ancient Honda 50 Super Cub -
0:05:20 > 0:05:22the greatest motorcycle in history.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Over 60 million of those have been built,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28and it is a greater liberator of the people than...
0:05:28 > 0:05:32well, that American tank, for example.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37I've bought this, which is, um... a motorcycle.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38- This is a scooter.- It is.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- Don't let go now. It'll fall over. - No. It's got a thing called a stand.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- You really don't know anything about bikes, do you?- Nothing.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I tell you what, it is actually very pretty.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51But it's gonna be useless, because whatever the challenge is,
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- tiny wheels and looking good won't help you.- Why are tiny wheels wrong?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- Little wheels go further into the holes.- What holes?
0:05:58 > 0:05:59The holes in the road.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03You'll be all over the place!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06How many cylinders has it got?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- JAMES AND RICHARD: One. - One?!- It's two-stroke.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11'It was time for the main challenge.'
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I promise you, I'm not interested in this.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19"You'll now attempt to achieve in eight days what the Americans failed to achieve in ten years.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22"Get from the south of Vietnam to the north.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26"You will ride from here in Saigon to Ha Long City,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29"near the Chinese border, which is 1,000 miles away."
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- That is excellent!- Wow!- That's the best challenge we've ever had.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- I'm going! Get his bike started. - Honestly, that is fantastic.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I can't do that. I just...can't do that.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I can't do...
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Guys, I can't do that.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47I can't ride a bike.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Ridiculous. I'm sorry, this is stupid.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54I'm not joking. I don't know who came up with this, but it's daft.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I'm more excited than anything we've ever done.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I can't believe you're being a misery-guts.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- It's 1,000 miles in the rainy season!- That's the best thing!
0:07:02 > 0:07:061,000 miles, in the rainy season, in a country with not very good roads,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08and I can't ride a bike!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12'There was good reason for my despair.
0:07:12 > 0:07:18'The cities in Vietnam are a seething cauldron of barely organised chaos.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21'They're a death trap for the inexperienced.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25'And in the countryside, there's even more peril.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29'Four times more people here die on the roads than in Britain.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34'I honestly believed that at some point
0:07:34 > 0:07:36'on our long and torturous route,
0:07:36 > 0:07:37'one of us would be killed.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41'Probably wouldn't be Hammond, though, because unlike us two,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45'he at least could get a helmet which fitted.'
0:07:45 > 0:07:49The reason I don't ride a motorcycle is because I have a large brain.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- No, you have a big head.- The reason why...crash helmets are small
0:07:53 > 0:07:57is because people who wear them haven't got a brain.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Otherwise they'd have a car.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03'Since we were due to set off the following morning,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06'Jeremy and I had to get helmets made...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08'in a back-street metal shop.'
0:08:10 > 0:08:13WELDING TORCHES BUZZ AND POP
0:08:13 > 0:08:15OK...
0:08:15 > 0:08:19THEY ATTEMPT TO SPEAK VIETNAMESE
0:08:21 > 0:08:25'With our orders placed, Richard and I fettled our bikes,
0:08:25 > 0:08:26'and Jeremy hit the bar.'
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- You're not excited, are you?- No.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42This is great, I'm very excited. It's the beginning of an epic adventure.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43ENGINE REVS
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Are you off then?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Yep.- This is it?- Yep.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- 1,000 miles?- Yeah!
0:08:49 > 0:08:53ENGINES REV Right then! Three, two...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55..one, we're off!
0:09:06 > 0:09:10'If we were to reach our overnight halt in the mountain town of Da Lat,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13'we had to get cracking,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16'which is why James immediately shed some weight.'
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I've had to ditch my wok!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22MEN CHATTER IN VIETNAMESE
0:09:24 > 0:09:25ENGINE FIRES
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Oh.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29ENGINE REVS, THEN STALLS
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Stupid thing!
0:09:34 > 0:09:39'Meanwhile, James and I were having a ball in the madness of it all.'
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Whoa! This is such a melee.
0:09:41 > 0:09:47- I've been riding bikes for 25 years and I've never done anything like this.- I think just improvise.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49It's amazing. It just sort of works!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- Do you know how to start it?- No.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52All right, get on.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Well some Vietnamese people came and they just trod on it and it started.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- Oi!- Whoa, wrong side of the road!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02One, neutral, two, three, four.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04ENGINE IDLES
0:10:04 > 0:10:05There you go.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07There you go...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09ENGINE STALLS
0:10:10 > 0:10:12You're getting it!
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Yep, it's only been an hour, and I've done, well...three feet.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19That was a dog!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21How does that work?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25A bit more acceleration.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- BLEEP,- he's gonna die.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43'We were now on the outskirts of Saigon.'
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I'm glad we couldn't afford cars.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51This is better.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Er...that's one. No, there we go.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Yes, that's a gear.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06'A passing banker had sold me his helmet, which meant I was now completely safe(!)'
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- Sorry! Oh,- BLEEP!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Are we going down there? Where are we going?!
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Argh!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19HORNS BEEP
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- Is this your favourite place in the whole world now?- Yeah.- And mine.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29This is terrifying. It's just bikes absolutely everywhere.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Oh, my God, there's one stalled in front of me.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Best motorbike I've ever had.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41'This is the ONLY motorbike I'd ever had
0:11:41 > 0:11:43'and it was undriveable.'
0:11:43 > 0:11:48Oh, get into gear, for God's sakes! Stupid thing!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Gear box has a mind of its own, there's no suspension
0:11:52 > 0:11:54and it wobbles!
0:11:54 > 0:11:56It's just wobbling all the time!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59You're going the wrong way!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04ENGINE WHINES
0:12:05 > 0:12:10'Eventually, though, I caught up with Barry Sheen and his boyfriend.'
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Ah!
0:12:11 > 0:12:17- Thanks for waiting, mate(!)- Well I thought, "Jeremy always waits for me, so I'll not wait for him."
0:12:17 > 0:12:21- I thought you were just behind us. - You knew damn well I wasn't!
0:12:21 > 0:12:26'And then I discovered why my bike was so undriveable.'
0:12:26 > 0:12:29That nut is as tight as it will go and that is...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32..loose.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36'The drive shaft was knackered, which, on a Vespa, is bad news.'
0:12:36 > 0:12:39We're going to have to change the whole engine.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44While we're doing that, the front brakes are now being adjusted so that they...work.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48'Still, at least my mates wouldn't leave me behind this time...'
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Oh, no, what if we have to finish the whole journey without him?!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Oh!- Oh!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02'Unsurprisingly, in such a "bikey" country,
0:13:02 > 0:13:07'a new engine was found in minutes, and so I rolled up my sleeves
0:13:07 > 0:13:09'and had some lunch.'
0:13:11 > 0:13:13You look at this and you think,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"What noise did this make when it was alive?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Did it go, "Moo," or did it go "Tweet, tweet, tweet,"
0:13:19 > 0:13:21or did it go, "Neigh"?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I think it went, "Ruff! Ruff!"
0:13:26 > 0:13:28But it's delicious.
0:13:28 > 0:13:34- Um, well I think this thing here is a sort of squid thing with some weird paste.- Don't like squid.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- OK, well you can have crab with... - I don't like crab.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Razor clams.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42I don't like clams.
0:13:42 > 0:13:48'By now, the workforce had swelled considerably, and as a result, I was soon on the move again.'
0:13:48 > 0:13:51OK, the wheel is no longer wobbling,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54got a new engine, got a new gearbox,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57and it feels...exactly the same.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Rubbish!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Useless!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05'As James and I made smooth progress toward Da Lat,
0:14:05 > 0:14:09'we were reflecting on the pedigree of our bargain basement bikes.'
0:14:11 > 0:14:14These bikes are quite a common sight all over the world,
0:14:14 > 0:14:20and in certain places, they're usually seen with members of the Taliban on them, carrying AK-47s,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and rocket launchers.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26This is the wheels of Asia.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31Over 60 million of these sold, so if you combine the Beetle,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35the Model T, all the versions of the Toyota Corolla,
0:14:35 > 0:14:39and the Mini, you still haven't got as many as you have of these.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45'40 miles back, I couldn't care less about my bike's pedigree.'
0:14:46 > 0:14:51Work! Just work, for one minute!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Further up the road, things were getting hilly,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59which meant James was having problems
0:14:59 > 0:15:02with his Honda's miserable four horse-power engine.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03LORRY BEEPS
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Faster!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08We can do it! Faster!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Faster!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13TRUCK'S ENGINE ROARS
0:15:14 > 0:15:19And here we are again. It's a lovely evening here in south-east Asia, as you can see,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22and I'd be enjoying it on any means of transport
0:15:22 > 0:15:23apart from the motorbike.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26If somebody said to me, "Would you like to hop to Hanoi?"
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Yes, I would.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34'The last few miles to Da Lat were really steep.'
0:15:34 > 0:15:39Just admit it, you should have bought a more powerful bike.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41No! I'm not admitting it yet.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I'm still going.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I'm gonna check it out, see if it gets steeper.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49MUSIC: "Adagio For Strings" by Samuel Barber
0:15:52 > 0:15:56I'm just...coming to a dignified failure.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58She's going...
0:15:58 > 0:16:02She's going. She's going.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03That's it.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I've run out of gears...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I've run out of power.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15'Still, at least he hadn't put 15 Quadrophenia-style mirrors right in front of his own head lamp.'
0:16:15 > 0:16:18God almighty, I'm riding along
0:16:18 > 0:16:23with the head light illuminating nothing but my own face!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26'Our meeting point was a restaurant in Da Lat,
0:16:26 > 0:16:31'and James had worked up quite an appetite by the time he got there.'
0:16:31 > 0:16:32HE PANTS
0:16:32 > 0:16:38- Well, I went to check ahead if it got any steeper. It did.- I know.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Where is he, do you reckon?- Dunno.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Do you think he's enjoying his first biking experience.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50I am the most miserable human being alive!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Where's this restaurant?!
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Where is it?!
0:16:54 > 0:17:00I quite like it here. I like the way the roof's been made and the way the sticks have been joined together.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Whoa!- Blimey!
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- Mate, how are you?- Congratulations.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12- Do you want a beer?- Yes!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15We've drunk 'em, but we'll get another.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20'Hammond was loving my misery, but I got revenge by ordering Set Menu B.'
0:17:20 > 0:17:22JEREMY ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK VIETNAMESE
0:17:22 > 0:17:24What is "ran"?
0:17:24 > 0:17:29- You haven't eaten anything since you got here, have you? - You just haven't seen me.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- What have you eaten?- Piles of stuff. - He had some cornflakes.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I was trying them in case they were different.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39I like to try local cultures and flavours and they may have been different!
0:17:39 > 0:17:45But I'd been eating a squid, soup, clam, bamboo shoot arrangement before you came in. I had!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47'Then our ran arrived!'
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- Oh, God, I don't like snake. - It's going to be delicious.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52If I told you it was chicken...
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- We'll have chicken then! - Could I have it medium-rare?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57What, a medium-rare snake?!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59How would you have it? Well done, I suppose!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02'Richard didn't go for the snake salad
0:18:02 > 0:18:06'or the snake soup and he really didn't go for the still beating
0:18:06 > 0:18:07'snake heart.'
0:18:07 > 0:18:09No, I'm...
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I'm fine.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- I have sampled your world today. - Yeah.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Do you want vodka with snake blood or vodka with snake bile?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I don't need a vodka with snake...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23JEREMY AND JAMES: Three, two, one, go.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29'James and I liked the snake vodka.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32'In fact, we liked it so much...'
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Three, two, one, go.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38'That later we may have made mischief with Hammond's helmet.'
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Morning.- Did YOU do this?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Yes.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50We just wanted to make sure it was strong enough.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54We were worried about you. We were paralytically worried.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55I was blind worried.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- He was so worried on a couple of occasions he fell over with worry. - How did you do it?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02We tested it under the wheels of a lorry and look what happened.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- You tested it?- Yes.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- So now that's...- Ruined.- Yes.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Don't worry, though.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12We've just been out to town and we've bought you another one.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- Don't take this the wrong way, because colours assume different significance...- Stop talking.
0:19:18 > 0:19:24- Seriously. In Britain, we think of that as feminine...- Stop moving your face about with noises coming out.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Here it's the colour of warriors.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- He's not very happy with us. - He's not.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32'But at least he was happier than me, because today,
0:19:32 > 0:19:37'I faced another 130 miles of rough roads, endless breakdowns,
0:19:37 > 0:19:41'massive discomfort and general peril.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44'Still, at least I'd been assured it wouldn't rain.'
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Name an upside to this, mate!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Name one upside!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Well you're not hot any more, are you?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01My light's dying. It's dying.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03My light's dying!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05'There was an upside though.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09'Richard's Taliban bike had decided it liked the rain even less than me.'
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Come on, now.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19That's not as effective as I'd hoped.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Oh, my God!
0:20:22 > 0:20:26What the hell is going on in my life?!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Why has my life gone so wrong?!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- It's good for you!- It's not!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33It is! Stop whining.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Hit that. Cheer me up - kill yourself.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40# I'll take you anywhere you want, girl Ride my Honda tonight! #
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I hate you!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44# First gear, it's all right
0:20:44 > 0:20:47# Second gear, I'm all right
0:20:47 > 0:20:50# Third gear, hold on tight! #
0:20:50 > 0:20:54MUSIC: Little Honda by the Beach Boys
0:20:58 > 0:21:03'All I could hope was that Captain Beach Boy would have a disaster
0:21:03 > 0:21:05on these awful, flooded roads.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Cock!
0:21:08 > 0:21:12This is a massive "Oh, cock!" How can it have run out?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18That rain makes a really annoying noise on my colander...helmet.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- And it comes through. - THUNDER CRASHES
0:21:22 > 0:21:28'On his much faster Minsk, Hammond had passed his old mate James,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31'not stopped to help, and caught up with me.'
0:21:33 > 0:21:34LAUGHTER
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Sorry! I've stopped!
0:21:38 > 0:21:42He's enjoying it!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44He is... He's enjoying it!
0:21:44 > 0:21:45He is.
0:21:45 > 0:21:52This nice man has stopped on an old Russian motorcycle, and I think he's going to give me some petrol.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54What a nice man.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57In fact, I think I'll pay him.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00My dong's going to be all soggy, isn't it?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06'At a filling station further up the road, Jeremy and I had pulled over,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09'because my clutch cable had snapped.'
0:22:11 > 0:22:13You see, my clutch should be there, and it isn't.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17'This became a big problem for all of us.'
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- James!- May, there's bad news.
0:22:20 > 0:22:26- What?- The producers have got fed up with us just replacing parts willy-nilly on our bikes.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- You two, you mean? - Yes. His clutch cable went. He went and bought one from in there.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35- Yeah.- So, they say that if our bikes go wrong again,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38we can't just keep them going with tools,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- they've provided backup transport. - Excellent.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43'Excellent turned out to be the wrong word.'
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- Ooh!- Oh, my God!
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Oh...
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- Oh, yes, that is a bit... - Oh, God, I don't think so.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53It's slightly conspicuous.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- TINNY MUSIC PLAYS - That's "Born In The USA", evidently.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03THUNDER RUMBLES That's thunder! And the village.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Have you noticed, there was a rumble of thunder and the village arrived.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I... C...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Children, if you're watching this at home
0:23:11 > 0:23:14and you don't know why this is inappropriate,
0:23:14 > 0:23:15ask your parents.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19But this is about as inappropriate a bike
0:23:19 > 0:23:21as it's humanly possible to conceive.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36'Amazingly, all our bikes suddenly worked perfectly.'
0:23:48 > 0:23:50'However, getting to Nha Trang
0:23:50 > 0:23:54'meant crossing more spectacular mountains,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56'which meant more bad news for James.'
0:23:56 > 0:24:00I might even get third gear. Wait for it.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Here it comes!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03REVS FADE
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Yes! No!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I am Francis Rossi!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15This is staggeringly good. We are in the clouds.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33'By nightfall, we were on the downhill run, and finally united.'
0:24:33 > 0:24:39This is the first time we've all ridden together since the square in Saigon.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42It's dark and about to rain, but there we are.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43ALL: Wow!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Did you see that one?!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47THUNDER CRASHES
0:24:47 > 0:24:52'The lightning was biblical, and from my point of view, quite useful.'
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Oh, no! No!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59No, my light! My light!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03'Fearful of the Yankee bike,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05'I strapped a torch to my front mud guard
0:25:05 > 0:25:07'and with just two days' motorcycling experience,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10'set off into the night...
0:25:10 > 0:25:15'Where even Captain Experienced found the going a bit tricky.'
0:25:15 > 0:25:22This is where it gets bad. Got to be careful on the downhill bits cos only the back brake works.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- Oh- BLEEP!- Huge truck with no brakes.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Well, there's no other word. It's absolutely suicidal.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34'Eventually, we careered into Nha Trang.'
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Hold on. James!- Holy crapoly!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- What do we do here? - James just went straight out then.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43'It had been another hateful day...'
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Wow, lightning!
0:25:48 > 0:25:53'..so I decided to cheer myself up by buying Richard Hammond a small present.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56If I can just stand this, it'll warm up and then it does
0:25:56 > 0:25:59and you think, "Oh, nice." That's what it's like coming down the hill.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Yes, exactly right.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- What?- Bloody hell.- There you go.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06What is that...?
0:26:06 > 0:26:10- There you go, nice present. - That's for me?- Yeah.- Why?
0:26:10 > 0:26:15Well, because I thought it would look good in your hall in your new house.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Have you seen the detailing on it?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- I mean, Look at the bridge. - I see what you've done.- Yeah.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24If you had a car, you'd pop it on the back seat or in the boot.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Yeah, I see... I see what you've done here, now.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29JEREMY LAUGHS
0:26:35 > 0:26:39# Nowhere to run to, baby
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# Nowhere to hide... #
0:26:42 > 0:26:49'We ploughed on northwards with the monotony only broken by a light sprinkling of massive discomfort.'
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Argh!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Oh!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Maybe 90 degrees.
0:26:56 > 0:26:5875% humidity.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03'In fact, after a day-and-a-half of solid riding in this sweatbox,
0:27:03 > 0:27:05'our clothes were so rank,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08'we decided to get some more in the town of Hoi An -
0:27:08 > 0:27:10'Vietnam's Savile Row.'
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Buying off the peg in Vietnam, let's be honest, is all right for you...
0:27:16 > 0:27:21- but the trousers...- Gonna be an issue for you, I grant you that.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Maybe in other areas...the girth!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- This is cashmere?- Yes. - And how much is this...?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29The price for the whole thing, 125 US dollars.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33A cashmere suit for... £70!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- What, a whole suit, or just the buttons?- The whole suit.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38- Made to measure. - Made to measure!- How long...?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40It takes one day to finish.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- A day!- So we can have any style.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- Any style. - And any material?
0:27:45 > 0:27:46- Yeah.- Right, lads...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48LAUGHTER
0:27:48 > 0:27:50I might have some time on my own.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Linen, not good. Makes you look even fatter.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Jonathan Ross would never wear...
0:27:56 > 0:27:59linen for that reason - because he's getting quite portly.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Ah, this is Chinese brocade.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03- Chinese brocade.- Yes.
0:28:03 > 0:28:10- I don't know what that is.- I don't really know what I'm doing here cos I'm not very fashion conscious.
0:28:11 > 0:28:16- Your suit's ready. Here it is. - Thank you, thank you(!)
0:28:16 > 0:28:18- Thank you, that's very nice. - It's perfect.
0:28:18 > 0:28:23- They're measuring the biceps now. Tape measure's not long enough. - Of course(!)
0:28:23 > 0:28:29If she leaves that tape measure under my armpit any longer, it'll rot.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31'With our suits under way,
0:28:31 > 0:28:34'I decided to go for some tailor-made shoes as well...'
0:28:36 > 0:28:39'..which turned out to be extremely good fun!
0:28:41 > 0:28:48'Since our new wardrobe wouldn't be ready till morning, Richard and James suggested we go to the beach.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50'With our stupid bikes.'
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Why are we doing this?!
0:28:55 > 0:28:57I've fallen off it!
0:28:57 > 0:28:59I've fallen off!
0:28:59 > 0:29:00Come on!
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Hey, this is great!
0:29:02 > 0:29:03Yeah!
0:29:03 > 0:29:07'Happily, however, I soon found a typical Vietnamese hotel,
0:29:07 > 0:29:10'where I could revert to being a human.'
0:29:12 > 0:29:14DISTANT ENGINES >
0:29:14 > 0:29:16ENGINE REVS
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Thank you.
0:29:18 > 0:29:23Oh, come on, it's like being on holiday with two idiots.
0:29:23 > 0:29:24ENGINE REVS
0:29:29 > 0:29:31There...
0:29:31 > 0:29:32Ooh!
0:29:32 > 0:29:36'To get away from the dreadful bike noises,
0:29:36 > 0:29:38'I went to the spa for a foot treatment.'
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Bah! That one's a piranha.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Ga ga ga!
0:29:47 > 0:29:52'On the beach, we were seeing who could get their bike nearest to the waves.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54'Which was a mistake.'
0:29:56 > 0:29:59SONG: Born In The USA By Bruce Springsteen
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Not now! Not while that's there. ENGINE STARTS
0:30:02 > 0:30:06Yes. No. Yes. No.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14I am now officially the world's most comfortable man.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19JEREMY MOANS
0:30:19 > 0:30:26'Meanwhile, I was getting my first lesson in what, sadly, put this country on the map.'
0:30:26 > 0:30:30You, here, fighting the US?
0:30:33 > 0:30:351968, yes.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42"B52..."
0:30:42 > 0:30:45B52s, here?
0:30:45 > 0:30:46You, here?
0:30:49 > 0:30:51"Death..."
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Yeah.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57This beach, yours.
0:30:57 > 0:30:58I'll go.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Good to meet you.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07'As night fell, we decided to head into downtown Hoi An,
0:31:07 > 0:31:11'only to find the Minsk hadn't recovered from its swim.'
0:31:11 > 0:31:15- MUSIC: Born In The USA - Hammond, I was born down in a dead man's town.
0:31:15 > 0:31:19# Born down in a dead man's town... # It's lovely, but I don't fancy it today.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22The first kick I took was when I hit the ground.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25In a minute you're going to be driving along with that blaring...
0:31:25 > 0:31:27from that bike.
0:31:27 > 0:31:28No more spare parts allowed.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31No, nothing going on. Just work.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36If he turns up on Bruce Springsteen,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39I'll feel quite sorry for him, but I'll still laugh.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44'We had intended to nip into town for something to eat.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48'But in Hoi An it's easy to get a bit distracted.'
0:31:53 > 0:31:56- Wow!- It's very pretty, I have to say.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00Extraordinarily pretty, and Hammond has missed it.
0:32:00 > 0:32:04He is missing this... How do I make these legs go down?
0:32:04 > 0:32:07- I didn't think you bothered. - Ah, well...
0:32:07 > 0:32:10- You getting fond of your motorcycle, Jeremy?- No.- Are you sure?- Yes.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14# Born in the USA, I was... #
0:32:14 > 0:32:16LOCAL MUSIC
0:32:16 > 0:32:19I don't want to sound like Michael Palin, all gushing,
0:32:19 > 0:32:22- but...- You're going to.- Yeah.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25This is like that duck racing thing they do on British rivers
0:32:25 > 0:32:28only much more beautiful.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33- Was that like Palin? - No, it was rubbish.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35ANNOUNCEMENT IN VIETNAMESE
0:32:40 > 0:32:45'The next morning we picked up our clothes from the tailors' and hit the highway.'
0:32:51 > 0:32:54When I said I wanted the sort of thing the locals would wear to work
0:32:54 > 0:32:58I was thinking more working in a shop or on a building site,
0:32:58 > 0:33:02not working in an embassy or going to a formal reception.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05It's Brighton Beach!
0:33:05 > 0:33:081965, Mods and Rockers!
0:33:08 > 0:33:12'Richard had a new look too, but sadly not a new bike.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16'Because annoyingly, the Minsk had dried out.'
0:33:16 > 0:33:20Love your work! Is that a smoking jacket?!
0:33:20 > 0:33:23- Is that a Mod coat? - Oh, yeah, a full Phil Daniels!
0:33:23 > 0:33:27- Check out the lining!- Ho-ho-ho!
0:33:27 > 0:33:31'As usual, however, there was one small problem.'
0:33:31 > 0:33:34I fear my new Mod look has been spoiled slightly
0:33:34 > 0:33:38because somebody has written "penis" on my helmet!
0:33:38 > 0:33:40I did that.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46'As we headed for the ancient capital of Hue
0:33:46 > 0:33:48'on the super-heated highway,
0:33:48 > 0:33:51'James started to fall behind again.
0:33:51 > 0:33:55'And all Jeremy and I could think to do was buy him a present.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57'Something nice and...heavy.'
0:33:58 > 0:34:02It's depressing, being at the back. I think he needs cheering up.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05My thoughts exactly. Which is why we've come to...
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Kerry Katona's front room.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11"Oh, it's all lovely, this!"
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Er...leaping dolphins?
0:34:14 > 0:34:15What about these lions?
0:34:15 > 0:34:19- This is a modern thing.- He's not modern.- No, he doesn't do modern.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22- He won't like that.- No, he's very... - Old-fashioned.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25- May! Welcome!- Thanks for waiting.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29We decided to buy you a present!
0:34:29 > 0:34:32You're standing right next to it.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34- That?!- We thought about that long and hard!
0:34:34 > 0:34:37- It's got... - Seriously, it's classical.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40It's of ballet, and we know that you like the ballet.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42- So you have actually thought about it?- BOTH: Yup.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- That's a real present. - JAMES GRUNTS
0:34:45 > 0:34:48I need some straps.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55'With Darcey Bussell on the back of his bike,
0:34:55 > 0:34:58'James was being even more careful than usual.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01'Which is more than could be said of Hammond.'
0:35:03 > 0:35:04- Oof!- Oh!
0:35:04 > 0:35:08- My galleon! - All your masts have come off!
0:35:09 > 0:35:11They're all down!
0:35:11 > 0:35:15I can fix it. I can fix that, you'll never notice.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18A toll booth.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Motorbikes go free.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22What's he done?!
0:35:22 > 0:35:25Sorry! I'm sorry!
0:35:25 > 0:35:28- Hammond just hit the sign in the tollbooth.- I know.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30That bloke's furious.
0:35:31 > 0:35:35'Then the Vespa came over all Italian again.'
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- Do you know something very interesting?- What's that?
0:35:38 > 0:35:40My bike isn't broken.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44- You're not going to believe how they mended it.- With a hammer?- No.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47They got a plastic bag, filled it with weeds,
0:35:47 > 0:35:49and kind of wedged all the electrics
0:35:49 > 0:35:51so they can't jiggle about.
0:35:51 > 0:35:56- See that mountain up there, James? - Yeah.- We're going up that.- Right.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58I'll wait for you at the top.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03'The mountain was a bit of a surprise.
0:36:03 > 0:36:07'Because you expect to find many things when you come to Vietnam -
0:36:07 > 0:36:11'communistical farming, reminders of the war, stunning food,
0:36:11 > 0:36:14'massive heat. What you don't expect to find
0:36:14 > 0:36:17'is a deserted ribbon of perfection.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20'One of the best coast roads in the world.'
0:36:30 > 0:36:33'It's called the Hai Van Pass,
0:36:33 > 0:36:36'and in this place, I had an epiphany.'
0:36:38 > 0:36:39Ahahahahaha!
0:36:39 > 0:36:41I'm liking this.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Hang on! I'm going for an overtake!
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Yeah! This is great!
0:36:51 > 0:36:53At last I've got a playmate. Ha-ha!
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Don't leave me!
0:37:03 > 0:37:07# Born in the USA, I was... #
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Man alive, it keeps getting better!
0:37:12 > 0:37:15There are views in the world, and then there's that one.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21This is when I'm going to wish I didn't have Darcey with me.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26It's gone! Hammond!
0:37:26 > 0:37:28It's gone again.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30It's gone.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33- You know we mended it with weeds? - The weed bag, yeah.
0:37:33 > 0:37:34The weed bag doesn't work.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42'Mind you, there are worse places to break down.'
0:37:45 > 0:37:48- We go round the world, but some of the stuff here...- Yeah.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50It's made my hair all stand on end.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53And there's nobody there... Oh, I tell you who is here.
0:37:53 > 0:37:57- Has he arrived? - It's not a majestic sight, is it?
0:37:57 > 0:38:00- May.- Yes. - Seriously, look at that view.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02That's fantastic.
0:38:02 > 0:38:07- James?- Yes.- Have you got his present? Or do you know where it is?
0:38:07 > 0:38:10- I put it in the camera van. - Go and get it.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13- Yeah.- Have you really got me a present?- Oh, yes.- Yeah.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16We've both been amazed. Your first bike ride,
0:38:16 > 0:38:19coming up here on this road, you deserve your present now.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21- James, present him.- Your present.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24That is very...
0:38:24 > 0:38:26- striking, chaps.- Yes.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Funnily enough, that's the word I used. It is.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31I shall try to look after this, Hammond,
0:38:31 > 0:38:35a bit better than you're looking after the galleon that I gave you.
0:38:40 > 0:38:4250 miles to Hue!
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Down into second for the difficult hairpin.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49Oh, yes! Knee down!
0:38:52 > 0:38:56Every time I change down, Darcey clouts me with her breasts!
0:38:56 > 0:39:00It's not a complaint, it's an observation.
0:39:04 > 0:39:09'We thought as we got to the bottom of the pass that we'd be back in the chaos.
0:39:09 > 0:39:10'But no.'
0:39:15 > 0:39:18BOAT ENGINE PUTTERS
0:39:18 > 0:39:23That image really is a metaphor for Vietnam.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25The mountains, the coastline,
0:39:25 > 0:39:29the big new engineering projects and the traditional fishing scene.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33With that soundtrack.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36It is a fabulous country, it really is.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42'That night in the hotel,
0:39:42 > 0:39:45'Hammond set about mending his treasured galleon.'
0:39:45 > 0:39:49I think I may have to cut some of the rigging. Cos there's...
0:39:49 > 0:39:53'Meanwhile, to pay him back for breaking it in the first place,
0:39:53 > 0:39:56'I decided to redecorate his treasured bike.'
0:39:58 > 0:40:03You know he will be apocalyptically cross.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06I know, but he's cross about everything, so it doesn't really...
0:40:06 > 0:40:09Oh-ho-ho. Let's have a go.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12- JEREMY CHORTLES - Oh, yes!
0:40:15 > 0:40:17Chao.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20- You like?- Would you like to do some?
0:40:20 > 0:40:24- Would you like to do some? Pink! - Oh, yeah.- Oh, yeah.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26If he asks, we just say, "The chef did it."
0:40:26 > 0:40:30If you painted the back, he'd be furious. Down there.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35- Do you have a pencil I could borrow? - A pencil?- Yes.
0:40:40 > 0:40:46Now look what's happened. The whole town has turned out to paint Richard Hammond's bike pink.
0:40:46 > 0:40:50James and I are doing everything possible to stop them...
0:40:50 > 0:40:53- Please, don't do this! - I've given up trying to tell them.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57And you missed a bit there that you mustn't do.
0:41:04 > 0:41:05Ah.
0:41:10 > 0:41:11Look, you can't just go...
0:41:11 > 0:41:15- Hang on, has she painted her own bike?- Seriously, don't...it isn't hers!
0:41:15 > 0:41:19What happened is, she's got hold of this big paint and decided
0:41:19 > 0:41:23everything in the entire car park needs painted pink!
0:41:23 > 0:41:25HE LAUGHS
0:41:29 > 0:41:34The sun rose over another beautiful day in the 'Nam.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37But among us three, the atmosphere was a little tense...
0:41:40 > 0:41:42I told you he'd be furious.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45Can they really not organise a bloody junction better than this?
0:41:45 > 0:41:48I know he's cross but I've told him a chef did it.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50- Did he not believe you? - No.- Funny, that.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54WHACK! Oh, dear.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58Despite Richard's mood, we were told to report to a nearby
0:41:58 > 0:42:01government building for a challenge.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03I think it looks good!
0:42:03 > 0:42:07- It matches your helmet now.- Yes, I have spotted that, that's the point,
0:42:07 > 0:42:08very good, yes.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10No, I am sorry. We did everything in our power.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13You know we're your mates. Anyway, we need a challenge.
0:42:13 > 0:42:16He is cross, but just read the challenge, it'll cheer him up.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19It'll be the person with the pinkest bike wins, I'll bet.
0:42:19 > 0:42:22- The person with the pinkest bike... - There you go!
0:42:22 > 0:42:24- No, it doesn't actually say that. - What does it say?
0:42:24 > 0:42:28You are about to enter what was North Vietnam.
0:42:28 > 0:42:31It's as well your papers are in order,
0:42:31 > 0:42:34you will therefore take a Vietnamese driving test.
0:42:34 > 0:42:39- Well, that'll just be one of those joke ones. You know, the Egypt one? - Forwards and backwards six feet.
0:42:39 > 0:42:40Cheer up!
0:42:40 > 0:42:42This is gonna be a doddle.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44SHE SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE
0:42:44 > 0:42:45It wasn't.
0:42:45 > 0:42:48First, we had to take an oral theory test...
0:42:48 > 0:42:50in Vietnamese.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00May. May!
0:43:00 > 0:43:02Ahem!
0:43:02 > 0:43:04It's you. Stand up, stand up, stand up!
0:43:06 > 0:43:09SHE CONTINUES IN VIETNAMESE
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Oh, no.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37Always give way to the car from the right.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39JEREMY LAUGHS
0:43:40 > 0:43:43You've a one in a hundred chance of being right, there.
0:43:43 > 0:43:45But you were in the wrong language.
0:43:45 > 0:43:46Uh-oh...
0:43:46 > 0:43:48THE OTHERS SNIGGER
0:43:55 > 0:43:56Er...
0:43:56 > 0:44:00HE SPEAKS VIETNAMESE
0:44:03 > 0:44:06How the hell did... what did you just do?
0:44:06 > 0:44:08It was 18. 18 years old.
0:44:08 > 0:44:09How did you know?
0:44:09 > 0:44:12What age you are to ride a motorbike, which of course is 18.
0:44:13 > 0:44:14But...
0:44:14 > 0:44:17How did you know what she asked?
0:44:17 > 0:44:20Did you not bother learning Vietnamese before we came here?
0:44:20 > 0:44:21Well, no!
0:44:21 > 0:44:23You're screwed, then.
0:44:24 > 0:44:27So, only one of us had shone in the classroom.
0:44:27 > 0:44:31But in the practical test, things would be better.
0:44:31 > 0:44:35Is it you have to ride in a figure-of-eight, then you can go out and ride on Ho Chi Minh's highways?
0:44:35 > 0:44:39- Yes.- That's it?- So if you touch the white lines, you fail?
0:44:39 > 0:44:40Presumably.
0:44:40 > 0:44:42Barbara Cartland went first.
0:44:42 > 0:44:44Richard Hammond.
0:44:44 > 0:44:45Ooh, it's me!
0:44:47 > 0:44:50In. It's quite tight...
0:44:50 > 0:44:54Well, it serves him right for riding an enormous motorcycle.
0:44:55 > 0:44:56Ooh, it's harder than it looks!
0:44:58 > 0:45:00Is he doing well?
0:45:00 > 0:45:01Good?
0:45:03 > 0:45:05Richard Hammond, pass.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08- You've passed!- He's passed! - You've passed!
0:45:08 > 0:45:10James May.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14He'll love this, it's all about precision,
0:45:14 > 0:45:16going slowly and being accurate...
0:45:16 > 0:45:19- Gone the wrong way... - HE LAUGHS
0:45:21 > 0:45:24- It's a good spectator sport, though, isn't it?- It is.
0:45:24 > 0:45:26They're really loving it.
0:45:26 > 0:45:28James May.
0:45:28 > 0:45:29Pass.
0:45:29 > 0:45:30- Tiny...- Jeremy Clarkson.
0:45:30 > 0:45:32- Get on with it!- Yes, yes...
0:45:35 > 0:45:37Ah, I've got the angle right...
0:45:38 > 0:45:41Ah! Ah!
0:45:42 > 0:45:44- No, that's not right! - What he's doing is,
0:45:44 > 0:45:46rather predictably, going too fast.
0:45:46 > 0:45:50This is just impossible on these wheels. They're too small!
0:45:50 > 0:45:51Jeremy Clarkson...
0:45:51 > 0:45:52Fail.
0:45:52 > 0:45:55- You've failed!- I've only been riding a bike five days!
0:45:55 > 0:45:59Happily, in Vietnam, if you fail you are allowed to try again.
0:45:59 > 0:46:01Immediately.
0:46:01 > 0:46:07He's spent less time in the circle than he has out of the circle.
0:46:08 > 0:46:09Oh!
0:46:09 > 0:46:11Jeremy Clarkson, fail.
0:46:11 > 0:46:12JAMES LAUGHS
0:46:12 > 0:46:15Obviously, it was the Vespa's fault,
0:46:15 > 0:46:17so I had a go on the Cub.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19- Give it gas, man!- There you go!
0:46:21 > 0:46:24The big wheels are helping massively here.
0:46:24 > 0:46:27You can't scoot it along!
0:46:27 > 0:46:29Oh, this is disastrous.
0:46:29 > 0:46:30How's he ridden this thing?!
0:46:32 > 0:46:36Jeremy Clarkson, fail.
0:46:36 > 0:46:41Is he the most ridiculous human being in the world currently, or ever...
0:46:41 > 0:46:42ever previously?
0:46:42 > 0:46:43- Yes.- Yeah.
0:46:43 > 0:46:44We're gonna have to get going.
0:46:44 > 0:46:46But we haven't got a licence.
0:46:46 > 0:46:48Well, that's cos you failed your theory.
0:46:48 > 0:46:52You haven't been granted a pass for your practical, it's pathetic.
0:46:52 > 0:46:55- But as a team...- As a team we've done both halves of it. As a unit...
0:46:55 > 0:46:57we are licensed.
0:46:57 > 0:47:01- We are now licensed.- We could have a Top Gear licence, with all our faces on it.
0:47:01 > 0:47:03- As long as we stick together.- No! Oi!
0:47:04 > 0:47:07- It was important, that. - I am sorry, James. I am.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09You're not sorry. Please shut up.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13To apologise for Darcey's head,
0:47:13 > 0:47:17I bought James some flowers and then we headed out of Hue.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24BLEEP
0:47:27 > 0:47:29You knocked one of my mirrors off!
0:47:35 > 0:47:39Even though we were against the clock, we felt we had to stop at the citadel.
0:47:41 > 0:47:44Scene of one of the fiercest battles in the Vietnam War.
0:47:46 > 0:47:49Bullet holes everywhere.
0:47:50 > 0:47:52And everywhere you look, it's just...
0:47:52 > 0:47:57- You can track them as well, can't you, sometimes?- That is machine-gun fire there.
0:47:57 > 0:48:00- I think, for most people, Vietnam is a war, not a country.- Yes.
0:48:00 > 0:48:04And this was pretty much the epicentre.
0:48:04 > 0:48:09It's nice that they haven't restored it. That's a better memorial than anything else, isn't it?
0:48:13 > 0:48:17It was now day six of our epic road trip,
0:48:17 > 0:48:21and the finish line was still more than 400 miles away.
0:48:21 > 0:48:24What's more, the traffic was getting worse.
0:48:24 > 0:48:27- You can tell we're getting close to the North...- What, more bikes?
0:48:27 > 0:48:29Well, a lot more bikes.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32The heat was worse than ever, and even James's Cub
0:48:32 > 0:48:34was starting to feel the strain.
0:48:35 > 0:48:38That's just not as sweet as it was this morning.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41Progress, then, was slower than ever...
0:48:41 > 0:48:45and over lunch, the penny dropped - with a horrible clang.
0:48:45 > 0:48:46Rice...
0:48:46 > 0:48:48- Yeah.- Those are bamboo shoots.- Yeah.
0:48:48 > 0:48:50- And that's...meat.- Some meat.
0:48:50 > 0:48:51Guys.
0:48:51 > 0:48:53Yeah?
0:48:53 > 0:48:55We can't make it.
0:48:56 > 0:48:59If you think how far we've come so far,
0:48:59 > 0:49:03and how far we've got... well, we're about halfway.
0:49:03 > 0:49:05Well, thinking about it, probably that...
0:49:05 > 0:49:09that day spent playing on the beach and having a massage,
0:49:09 > 0:49:11while we had our suits made...
0:49:11 > 0:49:12- wasn't actually the...- No.- No.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14We can't just give in.
0:49:14 > 0:49:17So what're you saying? We must try harder?
0:49:17 > 0:49:20- No.- We must find a way of making the bikes faster?- No.- Cheat.
0:49:20 > 0:49:22Yep.
0:49:23 > 0:49:27We decided to take an overnight train to Ha Long City,
0:49:27 > 0:49:30which is something the Americans never thought to do.
0:49:30 > 0:49:34But we couldn't celebrate our ingenuity, because at the station...
0:49:35 > 0:49:39..James was a bit upset that my spare wheel had come through my painting.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41Now look what you've done.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44- What, I did it on purpose? - Hammond paid for it,
0:49:44 > 0:49:48- and it was...well, we won't say how much it was, but it was quite expensive.- Yes.
0:49:48 > 0:49:52- You're not making me feel any better.- How do you think we feel? - Let's not get bogged down
0:49:52 > 0:49:54with who did what to who.
0:49:54 > 0:49:57No, cos you did all of it.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00THEY GROAN Argh! Come on!
0:50:00 > 0:50:03Wait, wait, wait. Ooh, sorry, sorry.
0:50:03 > 0:50:07In the night, can you water the flowers for me?
0:50:07 > 0:50:10WHISTLE SOUNDS
0:50:10 > 0:50:12- Sorry.- Yeah, a tyre went through it.
0:50:12 > 0:50:13Sorry!
0:50:15 > 0:50:20James had bought the tickets, and great news for licence payers -
0:50:20 > 0:50:22they were for third class!
0:50:22 > 0:50:2313 hours!
0:50:23 > 0:50:25There are people sleeping.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27- HE WHISPERS - 13 hours!
0:50:27 > 0:50:28How long have we done?
0:50:28 > 0:50:30Four minutes.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32Getting through it!
0:50:35 > 0:50:39We decided to pass the rest of the time by mending each others' presents.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43Ooh. Oooh...
0:50:43 > 0:50:46Moves about more than I expected, but that's OK.
0:50:46 > 0:50:51It'll give the painting some motion, some fluidity. It's good. It's good.
0:50:51 > 0:50:55That's like trying to unravel the mystery of the universe.
0:50:55 > 0:50:56Made of string.
0:50:56 > 0:50:57CLATTERING
0:50:57 > 0:51:00In the accident, we've lost her hand.
0:51:00 > 0:51:04The thing that...maybe I could improvise that and make that her hand,
0:51:04 > 0:51:07and then she's like a sort of mutant.
0:51:07 > 0:51:10What I've done is inject a touch of the familiar
0:51:10 > 0:51:13to this otherwise quite alien scene.
0:51:13 > 0:51:14Aah! Aah!
0:51:14 > 0:51:16Aah. Why is that so hot?
0:51:16 > 0:51:17Is that glue?
0:51:17 > 0:51:18Why's it so hot?
0:51:18 > 0:51:20My suit!
0:51:20 > 0:51:22I've dropped hot glue on my suit!
0:51:22 > 0:51:25Do you have anything to cure superglue burns through silk?
0:51:25 > 0:51:29My hand's in the front of my trousers, don't read anything into that.
0:51:45 > 0:51:49In the morning, the train was approaching our destination.
0:51:50 > 0:51:54James is going to be extremely pleased with...
0:51:54 > 0:51:59Not so much with this, but the surgery on her shoulder...
0:51:59 > 0:52:02That is the work of a top doc.
0:52:02 > 0:52:05It's difficult to explore the allegorical significances
0:52:05 > 0:52:08and layers of the painting when I'm...well, sober.
0:52:08 > 0:52:10What you've done...
0:52:10 > 0:52:14is you've painted a Land Rover in the middle of a Vietnamese scene.
0:52:14 > 0:52:17- Yeah. The...- Mind you, you're in for a big surprise when you see
0:52:17 > 0:52:19what May's done to your galleon.
0:52:20 > 0:52:22It's not brilliant, mate, if I'm honest.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24- And what are these?- Chopsticks.
0:52:25 > 0:52:27But what are they representing?
0:52:27 > 0:52:28Oars.
0:52:28 > 0:52:32It's the best I could do with the bits that survived
0:52:32 > 0:52:35and stuff I could buy from the woman with the trolley.
0:52:36 > 0:52:38Finally, two days early,
0:52:38 > 0:52:40we arrived in Ha Long City.
0:52:40 > 0:52:42Where's her hand?
0:52:42 > 0:52:44I've completely lost it.
0:52:52 > 0:52:53HORN TOOTS
0:52:58 > 0:53:00Move this out the way... Sorry?
0:53:00 > 0:53:02This is heavy presumably...
0:53:04 > 0:53:05Darcey's head's come off again.
0:53:10 > 0:53:12- Don't touch it!- OK.
0:53:14 > 0:53:17This has been the clumsiest arrival at a finishing point.
0:53:17 > 0:53:21It hasn't been an elegant arrival, but we are at the finishing point.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23It's very hot. Is it hotter here than it was?
0:53:23 > 0:53:25Isn't there a sea breeze?
0:53:27 > 0:53:29How do you spell Ha Long?
0:53:30 > 0:53:33H-A-L-O-N-G.
0:53:33 > 0:53:34It's two words.
0:53:34 > 0:53:38G-A. I think that means train station, I think. Ga.
0:53:38 > 0:53:41- Ha Noi.- Ha...- Ha Noi.
0:53:42 > 0:53:45Well, where did you book the tickets to?
0:53:45 > 0:53:49- There's nothing wrong with the tickets.- Well, clearly, we're in the wrong place.
0:53:49 > 0:53:50Yes. But...
0:53:50 > 0:53:53Ha Long City. Ha Long City. Ha Long City.
0:53:53 > 0:53:56You chose the platform. You said, "I know where it is!"
0:53:56 > 0:53:59There's one platform, James. There's one line.
0:53:59 > 0:54:02There was a line either side of the platform, like there often is.
0:54:02 > 0:54:07'A quick look at a map showed us the scale of my colleague's cock up.'
0:54:07 > 0:54:10- There is Ha Long.- Yeah.
0:54:10 > 0:54:12There is Hanoi.
0:54:12 > 0:54:14Well, we're miles away!
0:54:14 > 0:54:16We'll have to go along there. It's a day's ride.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19All right, anyway, welcome to Hanoi!
0:54:21 > 0:54:24"Oh, no, I'll get the tickets. I know what I'm doing.
0:54:24 > 0:54:26"I understand public transport."
0:54:26 > 0:54:30"No, no, trust me. I promise you it's this platform."
0:54:30 > 0:54:35'To make matters worse, the traffic was more mental than ever.'
0:54:35 > 0:54:40I'm utterly, utterly marmalated here. I've never been more in peril.
0:54:40 > 0:54:44'But we were ahead of schedule, so we went for breakfast.'
0:54:46 > 0:54:48These are chicken innards.
0:54:48 > 0:54:52- Actually, it doesn't say innards, it says chicken... - Internals.- Internals.
0:54:52 > 0:54:56We've ordered pickled pig's ear with vegetables
0:54:56 > 0:54:59dipped in seasoning sauce. Spelled wrong.
0:54:59 > 0:55:01'Hammond didn't fancy any of that,
0:55:01 > 0:55:04'and nor did he go for the main course.'
0:55:04 > 0:55:07Speak of the devil, the sparrows have arrived.
0:55:08 > 0:55:12Look at that! Wafer thin sparrow?
0:55:12 > 0:55:15- No, I'm fine. - One little wafer thin sparrow?
0:55:15 > 0:55:16No, I'm fine.
0:55:18 > 0:55:22'But after seven days, he had the something.'
0:55:22 > 0:55:23Good news!
0:55:23 > 0:55:27Richard Hammond is eating rice!
0:55:27 > 0:55:31- It's rice crispies, but... - Is it rice?
0:55:31 > 0:55:34- Yes.- Am I eating it with chopsticks? - Yes.
0:55:34 > 0:55:37Then I am native and local as you.
0:55:37 > 0:55:40'After breakfast we set out for Ha Long city.'
0:55:44 > 0:55:49That's part of a shot-down B52, which landed there...
0:55:49 > 0:55:51and they never bothered to move it.
0:55:51 > 0:55:55'And soon we realised it wasn't just Hanoi's traffic that was confusing.'
0:55:55 > 0:56:00I have no idea where we are and no idea...
0:56:00 > 0:56:02Not one sign post.
0:56:05 > 0:56:08I'm pretty sure we've been past this park once already.
0:56:08 > 0:56:12'Eventually though, we found our way out of the city,
0:56:12 > 0:56:14'and into the countryside.'
0:56:20 > 0:56:23Ha Long and Hanoi are two big cities.
0:56:23 > 0:56:26I doubt they're connected by a three-foot wide dusty path
0:56:26 > 0:56:27covered in hay.
0:56:27 > 0:56:31You know when we got the 16th century, I think we turned left.
0:56:31 > 0:56:34We should've gone right. Now we're in the 13th century.
0:56:34 > 0:56:35DOG BARKS AGGRESSIVELY
0:56:35 > 0:56:40- Well, we are completely lost.- Yeah, are we finally admitting that? Yes.
0:56:40 > 0:56:44- Even I will admit this is not the main road from...- No.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46Anywhere to anywhere.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48THEY GREET EACH OTHER
0:56:48 > 0:56:50Where is Ha Long City?
0:56:50 > 0:56:54- No, no.- This isn't Ha Long City, is it? No.
0:56:57 > 0:56:59I like being lost here.
0:56:59 > 0:57:01Yeah, this is a nice place to be lost.
0:57:01 > 0:57:03Hello, hello!
0:57:03 > 0:57:04- Hello!- Oh, oh!
0:57:06 > 0:57:07THEY GIGGLE
0:57:07 > 0:57:08Yep.
0:57:10 > 0:57:12THEY LAUGH
0:57:15 > 0:57:18'Eventually, though...'
0:57:18 > 0:57:20We've found a road!
0:57:21 > 0:57:25'It really did look like we were going to make it.'
0:57:28 > 0:57:31I've always said to my children,
0:57:31 > 0:57:33that if they buy a bike I will burn it,
0:57:33 > 0:57:37and if they replace it with another one, I shall burn that too.
0:57:37 > 0:57:39Now, however, if they buy a bike,
0:57:39 > 0:57:41I will completely understand...
0:57:42 > 0:57:44..and then I'll burn it.
0:57:46 > 0:57:50With just 50 miles to go, Hammond went berserk.
0:57:50 > 0:57:54A-a-a-a-a-ah!
0:57:54 > 0:57:56The speed!
0:57:56 > 0:57:58He's just a prat.
0:57:58 > 0:58:01'And happily he paid the price.'
0:58:01 > 0:58:03Oh, no! No, no, no! I'm breaking down.
0:58:05 > 0:58:08'Bruce beckoned, but having come this far,
0:58:08 > 0:58:10'I wasn't going to give in.'
0:58:10 > 0:58:14Plenty of fuel. It's not that.
0:58:16 > 0:58:18'Happily, Jeremy ploughed on.'
0:58:18 > 0:58:19Now I'm motoring!
0:58:19 > 0:58:21Oh, yeah!
0:58:21 > 0:58:25'And without his hammer-fisted approach to pretty much everything,
0:58:25 > 0:58:27'we'd have the bike mended in a jiffy.'
0:58:27 > 0:58:28ENGINE REVS
0:58:28 > 0:58:30Whoa! I'm in gear! Ah!
0:58:30 > 0:58:32I got a... Oh!
0:58:32 > 0:58:36So you simultaneously headbutted me in the gentleman's region
0:58:36 > 0:58:38and snapped the prow off the galleon.
0:58:38 > 0:58:40You complete numpty, Hammond.
0:58:40 > 0:58:41RICHARD LAUGHS
0:58:44 > 0:58:48I am now boldly going where no American has been before!
0:58:49 > 0:58:50BRAKES SQUEAL
0:58:50 > 0:58:52Ah!
0:58:56 > 0:59:01'Unaware that we had a man down, we were even still buying each other silly presents.'
0:59:04 > 0:59:05Oh!
0:59:06 > 0:59:09So there we are. It's my first bike crash, so I'm a member of the club now.
0:59:09 > 0:59:11Don't like it. Hate biking.
0:59:11 > 0:59:12It's a stupid idea.
0:59:13 > 0:59:16My foot hurts quite badly,
0:59:16 > 0:59:17cos the bike landed on it.
0:59:17 > 0:59:20Got cracked ribs probably, my elbow's ruined.
0:59:20 > 0:59:22Look at my suit!
0:59:23 > 0:59:28'Luckily, the Vespa was undamaged, which meant I could catch the others
0:59:28 > 0:59:31'and thank them for suggesting bikes in the first place.'
0:59:31 > 0:59:34You short-arsed little Birmingham...
0:59:34 > 0:59:36Faddy, stupid...
0:59:36 > 0:59:40- BRUMMIE ACCENT:- "I've never been abroad and I don't like it
0:59:40 > 0:59:44"and I'm with my piano playing idiotic..." Bleugh!
0:59:44 > 0:59:47Come on! Cheer up, we're nearly there!
0:59:47 > 0:59:50'Actually, the faddy Brummie was right.
0:59:50 > 0:59:52'It was no time for squabbling.'
0:59:53 > 0:59:55What a journey!
0:59:55 > 0:59:58700 miles on my bike.
0:59:58 > 1:00:00250 miles on a train,
1:00:00 > 1:00:03and about 50 miles on my face.
1:00:03 > 1:00:07If we've done it... If we've nursed these old, broken, tiny wee bikes
1:00:07 > 1:00:10the length of Vietnam...
1:00:10 > 1:00:12Ten miles to go!
1:00:26 > 1:00:28Ha Long City! There it is!
1:00:28 > 1:00:30THEY BEEP THEIR HORNS
1:00:30 > 1:00:31Yeah!
1:00:33 > 1:00:36We're in Ha Long City!
1:00:36 > 1:00:39My little Minsk! You little buffalo, you!
1:00:39 > 1:00:41Ah! Ah! Ah!
1:00:41 > 1:00:44We've gone from the South to the North of Vietnam.
1:00:44 > 1:00:47We've proved to the Americans it's possible!
1:00:53 > 1:00:55We did it!
1:00:56 > 1:00:58- Fantastic.- I cannot believe all three bikes...
1:00:58 > 1:01:00METAL CLATTERS
1:01:00 > 1:01:02- Oh!- Oh, dear.
1:01:02 > 1:01:04- Congratulations.- Congratulations.
1:01:04 > 1:01:07- Congratulations.- Wounded? - Yes, I am a bit.- Well done, mate. - Good stuff.
1:01:07 > 1:01:10That's it. I became a biker.
1:01:10 > 1:01:14Oh, I'm being left in the field of battle, but a few beers and it'll...
1:01:14 > 1:01:17- What?- That'll just be to say congratulations.
1:01:17 > 1:01:21- It'll just... Open it. "Well done!" - It won't say that.
1:01:21 > 1:01:23You think it'll say that?
1:01:23 > 1:01:26- Well, it is. "Well done."- It doesn't. - What does it say?
1:01:26 > 1:01:28- It says, "You haven't finished." - Oh, come on!
1:01:28 > 1:01:30No, well, that's...
1:01:30 > 1:01:31But we have finished.
1:01:31 > 1:01:35It says, "The actual finishing point is...
1:01:35 > 1:01:39"Bar Hang in Ha Long Bay.
1:01:39 > 1:01:42"It's only accessible by water.
1:01:42 > 1:01:48"It's probably a good idea to modify your bikes so they can float."
1:01:48 > 1:01:51- No, but look on the bright side. - No.- What?
1:01:51 > 1:01:53- No.- No, think.
1:01:53 > 1:01:55If it's possible here to get a helmet made overnight,
1:01:55 > 1:01:59it must be possible to get your bike converted into...
1:01:59 > 1:02:01a Jet Ski overnight as well. It has to be.
1:02:01 > 1:02:03I'm sure they do it all the time(!)
1:02:03 > 1:02:05- How hard can it be?- Don't say that!
1:02:06 > 1:02:11'So it was time to find a workshop and cue the music.'
1:02:11 > 1:02:14MUSIC: Theme from "The A-Team"
1:02:14 > 1:02:17The wheels will be there and there.
1:02:17 > 1:02:19# Da da-da da, Da da-da da... #
1:02:24 > 1:02:27The engine needs to be the other way.
1:02:37 > 1:02:42The next morning, we stood on the beach and looked out over Ha Long Bay,
1:02:42 > 1:02:47which was quite simply Vietnam's biggest surprise.
1:02:52 > 1:02:57It is a spectacular limestone maze, and hidden in there somewhere was our bar.
1:02:57 > 1:03:03All we had to do was find it, and luckily we had just the machines for the job.
1:03:07 > 1:03:12James had attached his bike to a traditional fishing boat,
1:03:12 > 1:03:14using the engine to power the propeller.
1:03:15 > 1:03:19- You've just completely disassembled your motorcycle.- It isn't a motorbike any more.
1:03:19 > 1:03:24Front wheels, gone. Engine isn't where it's supposed to live.
1:03:24 > 1:03:28There's nothing in the rules that says the engine has to stay in the same place.
1:03:28 > 1:03:31- That...is magnificent!- I know.
1:03:31 > 1:03:34I've gone with the Minsk principles of simplicity, you see.
1:03:34 > 1:03:37I have a rudder, steerable from the bars.
1:03:37 > 1:03:40Cables, and then it's just a chain drive down to prop and I'm away.
1:03:40 > 1:03:43And that's just the standard pedalo, sort of...
1:03:43 > 1:03:45Yeah, this is a pedalo with extra floats on it.
1:03:47 > 1:03:53'I'd been even more ingenious, turning my Vespa into a Mississippi-style paddle steamer.'
1:03:53 > 1:03:57Now, as it turned out, my simple plan was very difficult
1:03:57 > 1:04:01cos the Vespa weighs 940,000 tonnes.
1:04:01 > 1:04:05So I needed four canoes full of foam.
1:04:05 > 1:04:09'The main problem though is that with cracked ribs,
1:04:09 > 1:04:11'I couldn't operate the kick start.'
1:04:11 > 1:04:15Could you start my engine for me, cos neither of my legs are working?
1:04:15 > 1:04:17As you're injured, I'll reduce the price.
1:04:17 > 1:04:20900,000 Dong.
1:04:20 > 1:04:22'It was time for the off.'
1:04:22 > 1:04:23ENGINE GROWLS
1:04:23 > 1:04:25MUSIC: "Ride of the Valkyries" by Richard Wagner
1:04:25 > 1:04:27It's working!
1:04:27 > 1:04:29I have propulsion!
1:04:29 > 1:04:31Hey, hey!
1:04:31 > 1:04:34'But then in true Top Gear amphibious tradition,
1:04:34 > 1:04:37'it all went wrong for James.
1:04:37 > 1:04:39'First he crashed into me.'
1:04:39 > 1:04:42- Go away!- I'm trying.
1:04:42 > 1:04:44Why are you doing this to me?
1:04:44 > 1:04:46It's that way, you blithering idiot!
1:04:46 > 1:04:48'Then he crashed into some netting.'
1:04:48 > 1:04:50Bloody hell!
1:04:50 > 1:04:53'And then as Hammond and I got going...'
1:04:53 > 1:04:57Yeah! Once you've got it going, it's like...water-skiing! Woo-hoo!
1:04:57 > 1:04:59'..he sank.'
1:04:59 > 1:05:02No! No! Cock.
1:05:02 > 1:05:04Why's it done that?
1:05:04 > 1:05:08'As his boat was towed back to shore,
1:05:08 > 1:05:11'Richard and I thought about going back to help...
1:05:11 > 1:05:13'but we didn't.'
1:05:15 > 1:05:19I did not expect anything like this.
1:05:19 > 1:05:22It's magnificent!
1:05:22 > 1:05:25James meanwhile on the beach, in what can only be described
1:05:25 > 1:05:29as a crashed airliner. A scene from Lost.
1:05:31 > 1:05:34I've found Hammond's spare pontoons
1:05:34 > 1:05:38from the workshop over there. I've employed these local blokes to use the best traditional,
1:05:38 > 1:05:43Vietnamese boat-building knot technology to lash it all together
1:05:43 > 1:05:47to give me more buoyancy, stop the stern falling into the water and stop it filling up.
1:05:47 > 1:05:51"Phut, phut"s away and off I go, but I've got a lot of catching up to do.
1:05:52 > 1:05:55'Out in the bay, there are problems too.
1:05:55 > 1:05:59'My Vespa had stalled and I needed Hammond's leg to kick it back into life.'
1:05:59 > 1:06:02- OK.- Ah!
1:06:02 > 1:06:04Right. I'll get on my bike.
1:06:05 > 1:06:07Ah!
1:06:15 > 1:06:17BLEEP
1:06:17 > 1:06:22- That was truly ridiculous.- All we've got to do is get back to yours.- Oh!
1:06:22 > 1:06:24Arse-ing hell!
1:06:24 > 1:06:28- Were going well, so far. - Yeah, it's going very well.
1:06:28 > 1:06:32'Half an hour later, my new, improved boat was ready.
1:06:32 > 1:06:34'So I set off in pursuit of the others,
1:06:34 > 1:06:36'and the elusive bar.'
1:06:36 > 1:06:38Come on!
1:06:38 > 1:06:421,969 islands in here.
1:06:44 > 1:06:47Bar Hang? Hello. Bar Hang?
1:06:49 > 1:06:52- Bar Hang?- I think he thinks we're idiots.
1:06:52 > 1:06:53Come on!
1:06:53 > 1:06:55Yes!
1:06:55 > 1:06:58Where'd they go?
1:06:59 > 1:07:02'We'd got desperate,
1:07:02 > 1:07:05'and had even resorted to looking in caves.'
1:07:05 > 1:07:10You know when Attenborough travels the world and goes to incredible natural sights like this?
1:07:10 > 1:07:14- He doesn't usually pitch up on a home-made amphibious scooter.- No.
1:07:14 > 1:07:18And that's where he's been going wrong.
1:07:18 > 1:07:21# It's not a big motorcycle
1:07:21 > 1:07:24# Just a groovy little motorbike
1:07:24 > 1:07:28# It's more fun than a barrel of monkeys, that two-wheel bike... #
1:07:28 > 1:07:31OK, if you've just tuned in to Britain's favourite car show,
1:07:31 > 1:07:36what's happened is, Richard and I have driven into a cave,
1:07:36 > 1:07:40looking for a bar that isn't here and we have no reverse gear.
1:07:41 > 1:07:43'Still...could be worse.'
1:07:46 > 1:07:50God, that was going so well. My traditional Vietnamese fishing knots
1:07:50 > 1:07:52have come undone,
1:07:52 > 1:07:56and my centuries-old fibreglass outrigger has drifted away.
1:07:56 > 1:07:58This is gonna work.
1:07:58 > 1:08:04'After a 1,000 point turn, Jeremy and I were out of the cave!'
1:08:04 > 1:08:08I wasn't worried, I wasn't scared.
1:08:08 > 1:08:14'And with only a few hours of daylight left, we really couldn't afford any more problems.'
1:08:14 > 1:08:16Ah!
1:08:16 > 1:08:19Water has got into the electrical system,
1:08:19 > 1:08:24and the 60,000 V is coursing through everything that's metal,
1:08:24 > 1:08:28including the frame on the boat, the frame of the bike...
1:08:29 > 1:08:31'Our bike-skis were in a bad way.'
1:08:31 > 1:08:32Come on!
1:08:32 > 1:08:35'But then...'
1:08:35 > 1:08:38Life! There's life!
1:08:38 > 1:08:40It's a bar!
1:08:42 > 1:08:44It's an umbrella! It's a bar!
1:08:45 > 1:08:46Yes!
1:08:47 > 1:08:52The little speck over there is Hammond, I'm sure of it!
1:08:52 > 1:08:53Hammond!
1:08:53 > 1:08:56Hammond!
1:08:56 > 1:08:57It's there!
1:08:57 > 1:09:01'Sadly, there wasn't much I could do with this information.'
1:09:01 > 1:09:04BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP piece of BLEEP!
1:09:04 > 1:09:06'Because my steering was broken.'
1:09:08 > 1:09:09All I can do is go in circles.
1:09:12 > 1:09:16'And so it seemed the non-biker would get there first.'
1:09:16 > 1:09:18Come on!
1:09:28 > 1:09:30Yes!
1:09:34 > 1:09:37And that is how we do that.
1:09:37 > 1:09:41'The question now was would all of us make it
1:09:41 > 1:09:44before the eight-day deadline expired at sundown?
1:09:44 > 1:09:46BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!
1:09:50 > 1:09:54Wah! I can't do anything cos I haven't got reverse.
1:09:54 > 1:09:58'Eventually, blind luck brought Hammond close to the pontoon
1:09:58 > 1:10:02'where I was sadly too busy to help him moor.'
1:10:02 > 1:10:07Just that bit of rope there, look! That rope is long enough.
1:10:07 > 1:10:09- Swim. - No.
1:10:11 > 1:10:13Come on.
1:10:13 > 1:10:15Come on.
1:10:15 > 1:10:16Another foot.
1:10:20 > 1:10:21But your back into it!
1:10:21 > 1:10:25'With the swan lined up, I gave the engine a burst.'
1:10:25 > 1:10:26ENGINE REVS
1:10:26 > 1:10:28Ah! A-ha!
1:10:28 > 1:10:30- Damn it.- Ha ha ha!
1:10:30 > 1:10:31JEREMY LAUGHS
1:10:31 > 1:10:33Yes!
1:10:33 > 1:10:34Ha ha ha!
1:10:34 > 1:10:37Using nothing but currents and the wind,
1:10:37 > 1:10:40Richard Hammond's idiotic Minsk appears to have made it.
1:10:40 > 1:10:42Have a beer.
1:10:44 > 1:10:48'Now there were two of us to savour this amazing location.'
1:10:48 > 1:10:51I've just been finding out about this place.
1:10:51 > 1:10:53The people who live here are born here.
1:10:53 > 1:10:57They live here, they fish here and they die here.
1:10:57 > 1:11:00- They never go on dry land. - Never go on dry land.
1:11:00 > 1:11:03- They spend their whole lives floating?- Yeah, they float around.
1:11:03 > 1:11:08'Floating, though was becoming an issue for our colleague, who'd just lost his second pontoon.'
1:11:08 > 1:11:09JEREMY LAUGHS
1:11:09 > 1:11:11It's fallen apart.
1:11:13 > 1:11:14Oh, come on!
1:11:20 > 1:11:23THEY LAUGH
1:11:30 > 1:11:35Yeah, when we left Saigon, "But I think one thing I can guarantee
1:11:35 > 1:11:37"is that my bike will make it"!
1:11:39 > 1:11:42It's been quite a journey. That's the way it ends!
1:11:42 > 1:11:45- There's James May ending it. - Completing it.
1:11:45 > 1:11:47I don't believe it!
1:11:47 > 1:11:48THEY LAUGH
1:11:48 > 1:11:53This is the worst arrival at a place, ever made by anyone, James.
1:11:53 > 1:11:58The fact is, though, it was an arrival.
1:11:58 > 1:12:00Our little bikes had made it.
1:12:00 > 1:12:05Oh, sure, there'd been breakdowns, accidents and squabbles,
1:12:05 > 1:12:08but through the rain, the draining humidity,
1:12:08 > 1:12:10the mad traffic and the tricky roads,
1:12:10 > 1:12:13they'd brought us 1,000 miles.
1:12:14 > 1:12:16Nearly.
1:12:16 > 1:12:21I have to say, though, that despite the success, I'm still not sold on biking.
1:12:21 > 1:12:24There are good moments, but it's mostly bad.
1:12:24 > 1:12:28And I'm sorry, but our machines were completely overshadowed
1:12:28 > 1:12:33by this incredible, beautiful, brilliant country.
1:12:33 > 1:12:38It's hard to sum it up, really. Perhaps that's why people when they get back from this place,
1:12:38 > 1:12:39always say the same thing.
1:12:39 > 1:12:41"Vietnam...
1:12:41 > 1:12:43- AMERICAN ACCENT: - "You don't know, man!
1:12:43 > 1:12:45"You weren't there!"