0:00:11 > 0:00:14Tonight - we shout at the Government,
0:00:14 > 0:00:19a man drives a Subaru through a building...
0:00:19 > 0:00:21and a dog goes in a car.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Hello!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello! Thanks, guys. Thank you.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Thanks very much.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Thank you. Now...
0:00:36 > 0:00:37APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Now, as we know, as we know...
0:00:41 > 0:00:46nothing in life is very good and appalling at the same time...
0:00:46 > 0:00:48apart from the Jeremy Kyle Show...
0:00:48 > 0:00:50LAUGHTER
0:00:50 > 0:00:52..and Manchester United.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54JEERS
0:00:54 > 0:00:55LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:00:58And all of Burt Reynolds' films.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:00:59 > 0:01:02And actually, now there's a car as well.
0:01:05 > 0:01:11This is the latest creation from the skunk works inside AMG -
0:01:11 > 0:01:15the Mercedes SL65 Black.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Good looking, isn't it?
0:01:17 > 0:01:21In a Jean-Claude I'm-going-to-kick-you-in-the-face sort of way.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Certainly, with those massively flared arches and all that ducting,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27it looks like it might be pretty fast.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29But it isn't.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32It's mind boggling.
0:01:37 > 0:01:42I have 660 horsepower at the disposal of my right foot.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46That's 50 more than you get from a Ferrari 599.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Then there's the torque.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53740 foot pounds.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58That's 300 more than you get from a 599.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Of course, to protect the environment and other road users, the top speed is limited...
0:02:06 > 0:02:09to 199mph.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24The engine that produces this almighty oomph is enormous -
0:02:24 > 0:02:27a 6-litre twin turbo V12.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32But the rest of the car is quite simple.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35The brakes are steel, not carbon ceramic.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39The gearbox only has five speeds, not the usual seven.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44The traction control has two settings - on or off.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50It even comes with run-of-the-mill suspension.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54The steering in this is a bit woolly... No, not woolly,
0:02:54 > 0:02:55more sort of nylon,
0:02:55 > 0:02:59but because Mercedes has thrown away the silly electronic suspension,
0:02:59 > 0:03:04gone back to a conventional set-up, it's very predictable.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06TYRES SQUEAL
0:03:09 > 0:03:13In many ways, then, this is like an American muscle car -
0:03:13 > 0:03:18fast, simple and, in some ways, quite cheap.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20TYRES SQUEAL
0:03:21 > 0:03:27It costs £250,000 and, yes, I know that sounds like a lot,
0:03:27 > 0:03:31but it's £100,000 less than the McLaren Mercedes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34And is the McLaren £100,000 faster?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Well, let's find out.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38TYRES SCREECH
0:03:38 > 0:03:42ENGINES ROAR
0:03:42 > 0:03:45God, that McLaren sounds dirty.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49If my children made a noise like that, I'd make them sit on the naughty step.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56I reckon, in a straight line, Mr McLaren IS faster.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03Not by £100,000, but in the corners...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Hm-hm-hmm!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Smoke coming off the back end!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Ten more horsepower, I reckon, ten more, and I'd have him.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23But the best thing about the Black
0:04:23 > 0:04:30is that, despite performance and the anabolic "look at me!" wheel arch extensions,
0:04:30 > 0:04:35it's a normal SL in here. I've got satellite navigation and climate control
0:04:35 > 0:04:36and iPod compatibility.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I've even got an automatic gearbox.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42All good so far, then.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45But it doesn't last.
0:04:46 > 0:04:52First of all, it is THE most uncomfortable car in all of human history.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56There is no give at all in the tyre side wall.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59There is no give, either, in the suspension. Look.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02And look at these seats. One-piece carbon fibre
0:05:02 > 0:05:05from the Mercedes Agony range!
0:05:05 > 0:05:10You would honestly be more comfortable on a Georgian's kitchen wheelback.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14I can't imagine what Mercedes was using for inspiration.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16No, hang on a minute!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I can imagine what Mercedes was using for inspiration.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Look! A pile of stones.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24This is almost identical to the SL Black.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I'll just try it out.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Oh, hang on.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Hmm. Yeah.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40Yeah, I would rather go to work on a cairn than in an SL Black.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43A cairn would be faster, too.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47The problem is, is that there's so much torque
0:05:47 > 0:05:52that if you pull out to overtake a lorry and put your foot down,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55the traction control comes down like an anvil
0:05:55 > 0:05:57and you're not going anywhere.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Of course, you can turn the traction control off.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01But don't forget -
0:06:01 > 0:06:08those back tyres cost £358 each.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Really, the only way you can drive this car,
0:06:12 > 0:06:16even when the road is dry, is slowly.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19And I don't know, but I think that rather spoils the point.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Then there's the rear spoiler which comes up at 75mph.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27So if it's up, you're speeding... and some policemen will come.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31There are other niggles, too,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34like the fact it's out of fuel after 250 miles,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and it has the turning circle of a moon.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Look at this.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45A normal SL can get round here no problem at all...
0:06:45 > 0:06:49whereas the Black...can't.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56That means you're going to run off the road
0:06:56 > 0:06:58and damage that low-riding air-splitter.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01LOUD SCRAPING
0:07:02 > 0:07:05And I haven't even got to the worst bit yet.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11In a normal SL, which can turn round
0:07:11 > 0:07:15and run up kerbs without breaking your back, or itself,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18and go more than six feet without running out of petrol,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21you have a roof which folds away into the boot.
0:07:21 > 0:07:27In an SL Black, to save weight, the roof doesn't go anywhere.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32And then we have to go back to the price.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Yes, the Black is good value compared to the McLaren.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39But it's five times more than its little sister,
0:07:39 > 0:07:44and I'm sorry... but it just isn't worth it.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:55 > 0:08:00Superb, sublime, brilliant, super-exciting rubbish!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Both.- It is!
0:08:02 > 0:08:08- Am I right in saying that they've only imported eight of these into the UK?- Yeah.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13- So that means they need to find eight people in Great Britain with more money than sense?- Yeah.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- So who does this one belong to? - Theo Walcott.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Go on, then. Now where are you going?
0:08:19 > 0:08:24- Anything I say now is going to be libellous, isn't it?- Yeah.- Yeah. - I'll tell you what we'll do.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27We'll find out how fast this goes round our track.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30That means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35Some say that he thinks crisps are animals...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:40..and that if he'd done well at Wimbledon once in a while,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43he might have been able to raise a smile.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:49All we know is, he's called the Stig.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Away he goes!
0:08:51 > 0:08:56Traction control off because, of course, he can put those tyres on expenses.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Into the first corner. Can't help thinking this is going to be a handful.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Oh, yes, it is.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Oh, dear. Yes, I'm sorry. The Stig has gone all Scottish.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11He loves to Strip The Willow
0:09:11 > 0:09:14with all those other Stigs that the Daily Mail's invented.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Just a very big mess in Chicago. So Hammerhead...
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Lord alone knows what's going to happen here.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Under-steer...over-steer... Under-steer then over-steer again.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Every sort of steer, and all happening practically at the same time.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:31 > 0:09:36Is that bagpipes or is it the sound of someone deflating a cat?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Through the tyres - very, very fast.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Now he comes in to the second-to-last corner,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48holding it nicely. Just Gambon left. Seems to be juddering through that.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Across the line!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:52 > 0:09:55I have the time in my hand.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58It did it...
0:09:58 > 0:10:03It did it in one minute 23 dead,
0:10:03 > 0:10:08so if we look, it's faster than the original Murcielago,
0:10:08 > 0:10:12it's faster than the original Zonda, faster than the original Koenigsegg,
0:10:12 > 0:10:16which means it's faster than a lot of cars that are now...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18faster than it.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:19 > 0:10:24And now we must do the news, and starting off with Citroen, they've made a new C3.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Here it is. And, well, it's a Citroen.
0:10:27 > 0:10:33It looks like that, but the most important thing about it is, for this car, they've invented a new word.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- Word?!- They've put it in their publicity material, and it's "visiodrive".
0:10:38 > 0:10:42They confessed they've made that up. It's a whole new word. Visiodrive.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- I'm sort of sympathetic.- Why?
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Because none of the words you'd normally use to describe a Citroen
0:10:49 > 0:10:55- would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like, flimsy.- Plasticky.- Lightweight.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Anybody else got any thoughts on Citroens?
0:10:57 > 0:11:03- Box on wheels.- What?- Box on wheels. - That's not very good. That was terrible.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Anyway, the point is that if you want a car that is Visiodrive, that's your only choice,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12even if you are the Sultan of Brunei.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13LAUGHTER
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Now, pay attention. OK?
0:11:16 > 0:11:21As men, we all know you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- We know that.- Yeah.- I did.- What?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25I did!
0:11:25 > 0:11:30- You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance? - Yeah. I got her a power drill.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33James! James, she's a ballet correspondent.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- That's what she wanted. She said, "I want a power drill," so I got her one.- She SAID that!
0:11:37 > 0:11:43- Do you know nothing?! Women say they want a power drill but they don't. They want soap.- No...- They do.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48- But it's impossible to buy soap for a woman.- Eh? Hang on. No, soap's soap. You can't...
0:11:48 > 0:11:52- Did you hear that, girls? Soap is soap!- But it is.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Go on, then. Buy your wife some Swarfega.- Well, that's...
0:11:55 > 0:11:59That's an effective cleaning agent. She'd be chuffed, I'm sure.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04However, the worst thing that you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl,
0:12:04 > 0:12:09- is a handbag.- That's bad.- Even if, by some miracle, you got the right colour, it'd be the wrong shape,
0:12:09 > 0:12:14it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Is there a season for handbags?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Did you hear him?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Is...? Oh, yes!
0:12:19 > 0:12:24- What, at certain times of the year, I can shoot handbags?- Yes.- OK.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- LAUGHTER - No. The fact is, OK,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30my wife has a handbag - I kid you not - it is this big, OK?
0:12:30 > 0:12:35And in it, she'll go, "I've lost my mobile phone! Ring it!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38"Ring it!" "It's in there. You must be able to see it."
0:12:38 > 0:12:41"I can't see it!" The point is,
0:12:41 > 0:12:42salvation is at hand, OK?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45New type of handbag out this week. Here it is.
0:12:45 > 0:12:51Look at that. Yeah. Now, that is made from Camaro seats.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52- What?- Yeah...
0:12:52 > 0:12:55And it says in the bumph... and I'm going to quote, OK?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"Try to picture your lady friend grasping it tightly
0:12:57 > 0:13:02- "and the next vintage car show you both attend."- Ohhhh!
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- So this is made from seat cloth of a Classic Camaro?- Yes.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- So that's had a Texan's sweaty buttocks on it?- Yes.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15- And now it's a handbag.- On the other side - you can't see it - are the skid marks...- NO! No!
0:13:15 > 0:13:16- Hey!- What?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20My bull mastiff keeps trying to mate with my Labradoodle.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25Bear with me, I do get back to cars. It keeps trying to mate with my Labradoodle, and I think
0:13:25 > 0:13:30I've worked out what the results of that coupling would look like. Here it is.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32LAUGHTER
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Is that a motorcycle and sidecar?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Sport of melted into one hideous lump. It's a Laverda 3CL.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42The man behind this is a French medical technician.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47Did he not, at any point whilst building it, just take one step back?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49"Agh! It's horrible!"
0:13:49 > 0:13:53If you know of anything uglier than that, you should write to us at
0:13:53 > 0:14:00- "I live next door to David Guest", Top Gear... - LAUGHTER
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Can I say...? Sorry about this. Moving on.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05On Tuesday, or it might have been Monday, the Government announced
0:14:05 > 0:14:09what it called a level 2 heat wave alert, OK?,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13for what we used to call a lovely summer's day.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Actually, we quite like a good heat wave here on Top Gear,
0:14:17 > 0:14:21because it means we can play Car Sauna. It's really very simple.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26You park the car with the engine running, turn the air conditioning off, wind the windows up,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30turn the heater to maximum, and the first person to get out is the loser.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33You think he's making that up, don't you?
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Because earlier today, while we were waiting for all you lot to turn up,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39this is what we got up to.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44It's now 37.8 degrees in here, as you can see,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46before the test begins.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Let's just make it fair, OK?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Whichever one gets out first pays the other a tenner.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Coming up to four minutes. Temperature check, please.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- Oh, yes.- It's 53 degrees in our Mercedes now.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Can you see my face?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Can you see my face now?- I'm not sure they'll want to.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Given that we are made of... What percentage of us is water?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- 98%.- Or less.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16Water that then evaporates. So what we are breathing is each other...
0:15:16 > 0:15:22- Agh! Agh!- You're breathing my chest! - Agh! Agh!
0:15:23 > 0:15:2659.7 degrees.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29This is a stupid game.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I've changed my mind.
0:15:31 > 0:15:3361.9 degrees.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Guys...
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Oh, come on.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50You owe us £10 each!
0:16:02 > 0:16:03A good idea.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Gordon...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Gordon, if you're watching, and you're probably not,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12if you're going to set these ridiculous heat wave level alerts...
0:16:12 > 0:16:17- What was it we got up to?- 62.- 62. - ..62 degrees is your bottom...
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- It gets a bit toasty.- Uncomfortable. - Yeah. About there.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25Gordon, there's something else I discovered in that test, if you're watching, and that is,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I KNOW when I'm too hot.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:34I don't need the Government to tell me to have a drink of water
0:16:34 > 0:16:35and put sun cream on.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Leave us alone!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Anyway...
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Guys...
0:16:49 > 0:16:52You'll have to split it. I've only got a 20.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Don't worry. I'll put it on expenses(!)
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Now, the recession.
0:16:57 > 0:17:03We all know what caused it. Banks were lending money they didn't have to people who couldn't pay them back
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- and now no-one can afford anything. - Yes. And this begs a question.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12In these difficult times, is there such a thing as cheap and cheerful?
0:17:16 > 0:17:17No!
0:17:17 > 0:17:21I mean, when have you ever heard anyone say,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24"Right! I'm going to deploy my cheap and cheerful parachute?"
0:17:24 > 0:17:28"I could have had an expensive heart operation
0:17:28 > 0:17:32"but I decided to go for one that was cheap and cheerful!"
0:17:33 > 0:17:37This Perodua Myvi suffers from the same problem.
0:17:37 > 0:17:43It costs £7,600, so it is cheap, but is it cheerful? No.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Brakes are rubbish.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Ride's rubbish.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Seats are rubbish.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54That's rubbish.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Honestly, I would rather be inside Paul Scholes.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03This is a car you drive with a long face.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Still, could be worse.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12You could be in a Chevrolet Aveo.
0:18:12 > 0:18:18I like a basic, underpowered car, I think they can be fantastic fun,
0:18:18 > 0:18:22so it amazes me that they can make this thing so dull.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27The steering is meaningless, the pedals feel mushy,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30the seats are flat.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32The gear change is out of a...
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I think it's out of a Mark I Cavalier.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38No. That's not fair on the Cavalier.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43And the cost of all this misery? £8,500.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46The only reason you would buy this car
0:18:46 > 0:18:49is not because it's cheap, because it's not that cheap,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52it would be because you hadn't tried any others.
0:18:52 > 0:18:58I have! I've tried this, the Proton Satria Neo.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02It's actually not so bad when you're moving.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06That's not cos it's in any way fun to drive - it isn't. The gear change is awful,
0:19:06 > 0:19:11the engine's got no power low down whatsoever, but when you move it,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13at least you're obliged to look ahead, out of the cabin.
0:19:13 > 0:19:20Only when you stop do you think, "I'm sure I saw a nice surround on that air vent! I'll just adjust...
0:19:20 > 0:19:24"Oh, no! It's horrible. And look at all this!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27"Ugh! That's not metal, either." HANDLE RATTLES
0:19:27 > 0:19:32At nearly £10,000, the Proton is the most expensive of the three,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35but you do get some unique features.
0:19:35 > 0:19:41The wing mirrors have been made using fairground hall-of-mirrors glass,
0:19:41 > 0:19:45so when I move my head like that, all the cars...blbl-bbb-blbl.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48So that's either a bus, now it's skip and now it's a big clown...
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Soon, we all met up
0:19:51 > 0:19:56and this was an ideal opportunity to show Jeremy one of the Proton's other unique features.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Now, it's a sunny day. Put the visor down.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Ha!- You can't see a thing!
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- You can't make the seat go down? - You can a bit, but you have to open the door.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11- So every time the sun comes out, you then have to open the door?- Yeah.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Look. They've managed to make Allen-headed bolts out of plastic.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Cos I believe... ALL LAUGH
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- That's a disappointment. - That's wrong!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Talking of fake, look at this.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Ooh! That's not a real alloy.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- Are these fake, as well?- Yes, they are.- So fake wheel nuts?
0:20:29 > 0:20:34A year ago, we'd have been here with a Ferrari, a Lamborghini and an Aston Martin.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35- Now...- This is it.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39We'd chosen as our meeting point London's financial district,
0:20:39 > 0:20:43so we thought it'd be a good idea, while we were there,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46to introduce all the passing bankers and money men
0:20:46 > 0:20:49to the motoring world they'd created.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- What have you got now?- XJR.- An XJR?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- And you've got a...?- BMW M3.- M3?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- BMW X5.- X5?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59So, welcome to the future. Your future.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03- I'm not sure this is the right car for me.- It's the ONLY car for you.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04You'd better get used to it.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Lavishly equipped with doors.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13- I'm not sure it's going to do the acceleration that the M3 does. - It doesn't. I can assure you!
0:21:13 > 0:21:18You've been lending money to Mexicans who haven't got enough to pay you back, haven't you?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21You have! That's what you've done, and now look. Check it out.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- That one any better?- No.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- Are all three terrible?- Yes.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Do you have this every day going round?- Yeah, it does.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Every day, constantly down?- Yep. - Thought about jumping out of a window?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- It's a bit plasticky.- A bit?!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What are you doing at work today?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40We are looking into new markets in European gas.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45That might not be a bad thing for you lot - just flip it down,
0:21:45 > 0:21:50- you wouldn't see the bridge coming up - everybody's happy. - Have you noticed this?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I put that back on earlier. Thanks(!)
0:21:53 > 0:21:56It just disintegrated while I was looking at it.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57What's the 0-60?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Excuse me. Good news.- What?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- You know we're here? A distraction? See the crowds?- Yeah.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08That means that none of them can actually get into their offices and lose all our money!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11It's safe! We're providing a service to the nation.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17And then, after we'd moved on, I came up with another service for the nation.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22All the banks that go to the Government for OUR money,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26to keep going, make them have, as company cars,
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Perodua Myvis.
0:22:27 > 0:22:33RBS - you've been really bad. You can have a Proton "septic nappy".
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Yeah, Fred Goodwin, you keep your pension.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Just one thing.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- Your car. - HE CHUCKLES
0:22:41 > 0:22:46Of course, bankers aren't entirely responsible for the problems...
0:22:47 > 0:22:51..which is why we pulled over, decorated our cars a bit
0:22:51 > 0:22:54and went to shout at the Government.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- OVER LOUDSPEAKERS: - What do we want?- ALL:- Aston Martins!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- When do we want them?- ALL:- Now!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06V8 not G8!
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Give us a Rolls-Royce Phantom now!
0:23:10 > 0:23:162, 4, 6, 8, Jacqui Smith's husband likes to mast...
0:23:16 > 0:23:17I can't do that one.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Supercars not ministers... I'm not very good at this.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Mind you, compared to James...
0:23:24 > 0:23:29Acceleration not nationalisation... of the banks.
0:23:29 > 0:23:35Although it's easy to make a case for state ownership of other industries, such as utilities.
0:23:35 > 0:23:42- Ker-ching!- Hit the banks not our tanks!- He means your petrol tanks, if you were confused.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Although, whilst we're at it, the Armed Forces are under-equipped for the job they have to do.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49A policemen then came to tell us off.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Please don't hit me with your riot shield.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57- But it was quite hard to understand him. - FEEDBACK ON LOUDSPEAKERS
0:23:57 > 0:24:00INDISTINCT
0:24:00 > 0:24:01What?
0:24:01 > 0:24:05I think that policeman's quite cross.
0:24:05 > 0:24:10In fact, he was so fed up that he told us to leave.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14That's not gone well, our protest.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17But we were fed up too... with our cars.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21So we left them in a stupid place and went home on foot.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25This tunnel handles better than my car
0:24:25 > 0:24:27and the interior is a lot more welcoming.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29It's a fact!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:39 > 0:24:44Um...I should point out the producers were very angry with us about that,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48because they said we'd deliberately just gone and chosen three cars that we didn't like.
0:24:48 > 0:24:54Yeah, but we said we'd made a film to show just how many terrible cheap cars there are out there.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56And that buyers need to be careful.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Exactly.- Yeah. - But they didn't buy that.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01They said we had to go out and make that film again
0:25:01 > 0:25:05and this time, choose three cheap cars that we actually like.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Yeah. And we'll be looking at that later on.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Now it is time to put a star in OUR Chevrolet.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16Er...over the years, 105 different people have driven round our track,
0:25:16 > 0:25:22and yet, unbelievably, only three of them have ever been called Michael.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Well, don't worry - I can tell you're concerned -
0:25:25 > 0:25:32because that's all about to change. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Michael McIntyre!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:25:35 > 0:25:39- Jeremy Clarkson!- How are you? - Hello. Thank you, Top Gear.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42LOUD CHEERING
0:25:49 > 0:25:54Why do announcers always say, "Put your hands together"? You'd just go like that, wouldn't you?
0:25:54 > 0:26:00I think it's like, "Put your hands together and pray that he's funny!"
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I gather that, on the way down here, people were offering you advice
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- as to how you should drive...- I got endless advice. From everybody.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11There was a woman at home... There's a woman at home?! She's my wife!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Yeah, my wife gave me advice.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22The drycleaner told me to turn the air conditioning off in the car, because it makes it go faster.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27- The drycleaner is talking sense. - The guy who drove me here said, "Don't brake."
0:26:27 > 0:26:33I think he didn't like me very much. He just said, "Don't brake!"
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Let's have a look... Cos you have just boinged into the public consciousness.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Two years ago - Michael who? And now all these girls...
0:26:41 > 0:26:46- They've been queuing here all day. - HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:- Hi, girls.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51It's being going well lately. My show is on the telly on Saturday night after Casualty.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# Do-do-do-do... #
0:26:53 > 0:26:55That's when my show starts.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57What, after it goes, do-do-do-do?
0:26:57 > 0:27:01I'm trying desperately to get on Casualty to publicise my show.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04I'd just like to be on a gurney and then sit up and go,
0:27:04 > 0:27:05"Watch my show afterwards."
0:27:05 > 0:27:11- That'd be ideal.- Anyway, your early life. School, obviously.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15University. Is it true you can't remember what degree you did?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17That is true, yes.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22I did biology or chemistry. I've narrowed it down to two.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23But you don't know which you did?
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I know it wasn't physics. Is that good enough?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29How can you not remember what you did at university?
0:27:29 > 0:27:33I remember being in the lab. I remember there was a lab...
0:27:33 > 0:27:38I remember finding a girl attractive on the first day and thinking, "That'll be the love of my life,"
0:27:38 > 0:27:43- then they gave me a lab coat and huge specs. I realised the odds were against me.- Was it a girl thing?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- Um...- University? - Well, it didn't work.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48If you did biology, it would've done.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50My voice didn't break till I was about 23.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- When you sound like your mother on the phone...- HIGH-PITCHED:- Hello?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56It's not Mummy, it's Michael.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59I'll get Mummy for you. Mummy? Phone!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- She'd come in... - SAME HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:- Hello?
0:28:02 > 0:28:06I actually had hair under one arm for a year. That was an odd...
0:28:06 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER
0:28:07 > 0:28:11It was a difficult transition to manhood.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14But I did buy my first car to try and seduce women.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Which was a...?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I got a Triumph Spitfire convertible.
0:28:18 > 0:28:24I had it for about six months and I hit a...
0:28:24 > 0:28:28a parked Volvo, which was not... Of all the cars to hit...
0:28:28 > 0:28:31It's not like I was picking them!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34And then the owner of the Volvo - it was outside his house -
0:28:34 > 0:28:36he ran out and said... He was very angry.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39He came up to the car and said, "Are you drunk?!"
0:28:39 > 0:28:44And I was so flustered and I'd been told if you get into a crash, don't admit responsibility,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46so I just said, "Are you drunk?"
0:28:46 > 0:28:48LAUGHTER
0:28:48 > 0:28:52To which he said, "I'm at home having dinner. What are you talking about?!"
0:28:52 > 0:28:55So, what are you driving at the moment?
0:28:55 > 0:29:01- At the moment, I have... My wife's car and my car - we have two cars. - That's allowed.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04They haven't banned it yet. They will, but they haven't yet.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06I feel a bit guilty about the car that I got her.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10You won't feel guilty, because I know you like these big cars.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12I like all cars! Except for the three...
0:29:12 > 0:29:13I got her an X5, 4x4 car.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- I don't like that.- Right. I do. - A BMW X5.- Yeah, I like it.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19It's got seats and you go, "Urr-urr-urr-urr-uh" like that.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21"Urr-urr!"
0:29:21 > 0:29:23- So it's got adjustable... - I love that, though.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26I've never had a car with that. "Urr..."
0:29:26 > 0:29:30I try and drive in the most awkward positions. As far back... "Urr...urr!"
0:29:30 > 0:29:32LAUGHTER
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Another thing with the modern issue with the car
0:29:35 > 0:29:38is the parking sensors, which is brand-new to me.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40- It senses when the cars behind you... I love it.- Exactly.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43- It goes green and red. - "bup-bup-bpp-bpp-bb-bb-bb-BEEP!"
0:29:43 > 0:29:46It screams, like there's a little person going, "Aaaaargh!"
0:29:46 > 0:29:54It's like there's two little people, unseen, and they just go, "No, no, no, no, NO, NO! Stop it!"
0:29:54 > 0:29:58Why did you describe motorways as the "highway of life"?
0:29:58 > 0:30:03Well, after the Spitfire, I went into some really bad cars.
0:30:03 > 0:30:09I had my wife's car after that - we shared that. That was the Mini,
0:30:09 > 0:30:11- Mini Mayfair.- That's all right. Nice little car.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Then I had my Austin Metro Princess, 1.0.
0:30:14 > 0:30:20It had no fuel gauge, which was a bit of an issue, because it meant I had to look up the miles per gallon,
0:30:20 > 0:30:24then count the miles on the milometer to work out how much fuel I had,
0:30:24 > 0:30:28which worked until the milometer broke. Then I had to guess
0:30:28 > 0:30:32what a mile was... Then, ultimately, I ended up getting it wrong.
0:30:32 > 0:30:39I ran out of petrol, and I knew there was a petrol station quite near and I ran there
0:30:39 > 0:30:44and I didn't have a jerry can, and I presumed they'd sell them in the petrol station.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46I was queuing up and I completely forgot the word for jerry can.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48My mind went blank.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51There was quite a long queue and I went, "Hi, I need a...um...
0:30:51 > 0:30:56"Ooh, I need a thing, you know. Oh, God, it's a thing that you put petrol in?"
0:30:56 > 0:30:58And the bloke just went, "Car?"
0:30:58 > 0:31:00LAUGHTER
0:31:00 > 0:31:04The closest I got to was "petrol suitcase?"
0:31:04 > 0:31:06LAUGHTER
0:31:06 > 0:31:12So this was why, I suppose, cos I spent a lot of time with the Metro in the loser lane, the slow lane...
0:31:12 > 0:31:17- Loser lane?- ..with the trucks and the lorries and the horses
0:31:17 > 0:31:19and the old people.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car
0:31:23 > 0:31:26is you would occasionally try and overtake nicer cars on the motorway.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28It's quite a manly moment.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31You're chugging along at 60, you're quite comfortable.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33You'll see a Porsche in the middle lane,
0:31:33 > 0:31:38I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it."
0:31:38 > 0:31:42She's like, "The Princess couldn't overtake that Porsche, it's a 1.0!"
0:31:42 > 0:31:43"I can do this!"
0:31:43 > 0:31:48You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51When you're in the fast lane in a bad car, you know you don't belong.
0:31:51 > 0:31:57Big Range Rovers right up behind you, flashing, "Retreat to the loser lane, where you belong!"
0:31:57 > 0:32:03There are horses in the slow lane, going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?"
0:32:03 > 0:32:08I think the top speed was about 76. You put your foot down and the whole car would shake uncontrollably.
0:32:10 > 0:32:15It takes somewhere between 40 and 45 minutes to pull alongside the Porsche.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17My wife's going, "I told you!"
0:32:17 > 0:32:23And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26"Who are you, Porsche driver?"
0:32:26 > 0:32:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:34 > 0:32:38He's normally on the phone. He goes, "Hold on, I'll call you back.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41"Some dick from the loser lane's trying to overtake."
0:32:41 > 0:32:44LAUGHTER
0:32:46 > 0:32:50I do that to people! "Get back where you belong!" I am that person.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53When I'm in the X5 now,
0:32:53 > 0:32:59if I get overtaken, even if I'm home, I will get back out and...
0:32:59 > 0:33:02"Get back to where you belong. I've worked hard for this car."
0:33:02 > 0:33:07I've driven hundreds of miles past where I live, just to overtake someone back again.
0:33:07 > 0:33:12Thing is, though, when we asked if you'd like to come on...
0:33:12 > 0:33:16- Yes.- ..you told the person who rang you up that you'd be incredibly fast
0:33:16 > 0:33:19- going round our lap.- No, I don't know if I did. Did I?
0:33:19 > 0:33:22I said I'll try hard to be fast.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26- You said you'd be very fast.- It was more difficult than I imagined.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28LAUGHTER
0:33:28 > 0:33:31Who here would like to see the lap?
0:33:31 > 0:33:34- ALL:- Yes! - Come on, let's have a look.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Here we go. I suspect...
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Go, go, go!
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Heading down to the first corner...
0:33:42 > 0:33:46Oh, my giddy aunt, that's...ambitious!
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Ambitiously fast, Michael.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54OK, now, into Chicago.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Again, I'm suspecting you're going too fast.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Lost a lot of time with understeer.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01- That's a screamingly- BLEEP.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04Straight into the Hammerhead. Trickiest corner.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08- Did you enjoy this?- I didn't really... I lost track of time.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11There we go. Actually, that's not bad at all.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13No, you can relax after that.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18- Ah!- And you are doing!
0:34:19 > 0:34:23You are doing... And that's pretty fast.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26I'm impressed with this. And impressed with that!
0:34:26 > 0:34:30God, you really had picked up some... Second to last corner,
0:34:30 > 0:34:34that's nicely done! Here we go, just Gambon...
0:34:34 > 0:34:37It's gonna be... Oh, my God!
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Well done!
0:34:39 > 0:34:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:41 > 0:34:43You nearly flipped it!
0:34:44 > 0:34:47- You nearly turned the damn thing over!- I nearly did.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50- How close was that to rolling? - I thought that was it.
0:34:50 > 0:34:51I said my goodbyes.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54That was pretty spectacular, wasn't it?
0:34:54 > 0:34:57It was a very ambitious second half to the lap
0:34:57 > 0:34:59and a very...
0:34:59 > 0:35:00rubbish first half.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02- It was, it was. I know. - Too fast into the corners.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05Mmm, where do you think?
0:35:05 > 0:35:06Where do you think you've come?
0:35:06 > 0:35:11Anywhere in the middle, I'd be happy with. As the Stig said, "conditions were perfect".
0:35:11 > 0:35:12LAUGHTER
0:35:12 > 0:35:17Michael McIntyre, you did it... in one minute...
0:35:19 > 0:35:22- ..forty...- I like that. I'm fine with that.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25..eight point seven.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27You're in here.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Oh, look.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33Marky Mark and Michael McIntyre.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35That's not a bad time.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37I'm all right with that.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40That's right... Didn't I say in the middle?
0:35:40 > 0:35:45- It's in the middle of the whole thing!- You are the most average man in an averagely-priced car
0:35:45 > 0:35:48we've ever had. You are also one of the funniest.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51- Ladies and gentlemen, Michael McIntyre!- Thank you.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:04 > 0:36:09Now...if you are any sort of a car fan,
0:36:09 > 0:36:11and you own an internet,
0:36:11 > 0:36:16you will most probably have come across a chap called Ken Block on your "Youbook" site.
0:36:16 > 0:36:20Young people tell me he is an internet sensation.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24That's why I went all the way to the United States in America
0:36:24 > 0:36:26to spend the day with him.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32I was told to meet him not at Dunkin' Donuts,
0:36:32 > 0:36:35but here, at Inyokern airfield in California.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39I can hear him coming now
0:36:39 > 0:36:43and I suspect he won't be arriving in a straight line.
0:36:43 > 0:36:49No, he's more like a game station character who has emerged into the real world.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00And that's why his films get more than ten million hits
0:37:00 > 0:37:02on "Facetube".
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Now, by day, Ken is a rally driver.
0:37:06 > 0:37:11But what's special about him is the way he sharpens his skills.
0:37:11 > 0:37:16You see, most rallyists prefer to practise in the forests of Wales or Finland.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18But Ken prefers to use...
0:37:18 > 0:37:19airports.
0:37:21 > 0:37:27Thing is, Mr Block, I look at this sleepy old airfield and this hangar
0:37:27 > 0:37:32and I think about preflight checks and the problems of weathercocking in crosswinds.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36- Looks like a playground to me. - In what way?
0:37:36 > 0:37:41There's not so many places where you have a great mix of dirt and Tarmac and open areas...
0:37:41 > 0:37:44- And parked aeroplanes. - They're nice obstacles.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48Obstacles... I mean, the owners of them probably... Do they know?
0:37:48 > 0:37:51HE LAUGHS I'm not really sure.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Ken has devised a course around this place,
0:37:55 > 0:37:59but he wants to keep the details a surprise. All I know is
0:37:59 > 0:38:03he'll be using his specially strengthened, 380 horsepower
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Subaru Impreza rally car
0:38:05 > 0:38:09and that today, there's a seat going spare.
0:38:09 > 0:38:16I, Captain Slow, will be here, with my bum on the best seat in the theatre of petrol,
0:38:16 > 0:38:18in the royal box of rallying,
0:38:18 > 0:38:22riding shotgun with Kenny from the block.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24ENGINE ROARS HARSHLY
0:38:24 > 0:38:28And I don't even have to do pace notes, because he knows the route.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32- You do, don't you?- Mm...
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Where are we going?
0:38:46 > 0:38:48Bloody hell!
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Mind the aeroplanes!
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Are you sure?
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Door!
0:39:14 > 0:39:15Here we go again!
0:39:31 > 0:39:32God, that's unbelievable!
0:39:49 > 0:39:51Mind the pole!
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Cor, that was nice!
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Where the hell are we going now?!
0:40:19 > 0:40:21That's a fire station.
0:40:21 > 0:40:25Next stop, Ken's eyeball spin dryer.
0:40:39 > 0:40:44Tarmac session over, it was time for a dirt workout.
0:40:44 > 0:40:45Ooh, God!
0:40:45 > 0:40:48Whoa! Ha-ha-ha!
0:40:52 > 0:40:53Whoa!
0:40:56 > 0:41:02Oh, that's Mr Ricky Carmichael, a good friend of mine. I think he's come out to play with us.
0:41:02 > 0:41:06'As it happens, Ricky is the greatest dirt-biker in history,
0:41:06 > 0:41:09'15 times undefeated champion.'
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Go get him, Mr Block.
0:41:14 > 0:41:15Ow!
0:41:18 > 0:41:20- Oh, there...- BLEEP!
0:41:31 > 0:41:34'On the straights, Kenny was much faster,
0:41:34 > 0:41:37'but Ricky was a genius at finding shortcuts.'
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Where's he gone?
0:41:52 > 0:41:57'Kenny and Ricky wanted to play with some more planes.'
0:42:00 > 0:42:03No, no! Goodbye, viewers!
0:42:12 > 0:42:15That's the nose of a DC-2.
0:42:23 > 0:42:24He's getting away.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27Not over there, that's a jump.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30That's a motocross jump. No!
0:42:54 > 0:42:56We're alive!
0:42:56 > 0:42:58THEY LAUGH
0:42:58 > 0:43:00That was incredible!
0:43:01 > 0:43:03God!
0:43:03 > 0:43:06THEY COUGH
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Now look what you've done!
0:43:11 > 0:43:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:19 > 0:43:23Am I right in saying he's coming to Britain later this year,
0:43:23 > 0:43:24to play on our track?
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Yes.
0:43:26 > 0:43:29- We could use his aeroplane as one of the obstacles.- Yes!- No.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32The man's useless. He can't drive in a straight line.
0:43:32 > 0:43:33LAUGHTER
0:43:33 > 0:43:36Captain Slow rather missing the point there. Anyway,
0:43:36 > 0:43:40earlier on, we sort of suggested that all cheap cars are rubbish
0:43:40 > 0:43:44and the producers told us to go away, put our heads in some books
0:43:44 > 0:43:49and not take them out again till we'd come up with a cheap car that we all liked.
0:43:49 > 0:43:53After a solid 24 minutes of reading, inevitably,
0:43:53 > 0:43:56we'd come up with three cheap cars that we liked.
0:43:56 > 0:44:00So, it was time to go down to our track to find out which was best.
0:44:03 > 0:44:05This is my choice.
0:44:05 > 0:44:08It's a Skoda with a microscopic diesel engine
0:44:08 > 0:44:11and a top speed of 92.
0:44:11 > 0:44:15That doesn't sound so good, but it's called the Roomster.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17And that sounds great!
0:44:17 > 0:44:18Roomster.
0:44:18 > 0:44:22I like to think that's what Marc Bolan would've called his lounge.
0:44:22 > 0:44:26This is what I've chosen - the Mito.
0:44:26 > 0:44:32At £11,500, it costs exactly the same as Jeremy's diesel-powered van.
0:44:34 > 0:44:37But this is an Alfa Romeo.
0:44:37 > 0:44:41£11,500 for a brand-new Alfa Romeo.
0:44:41 > 0:44:46You'd have to have a heart of stone and a soul of custard to turn that down.
0:44:48 > 0:44:51Then James arrived... in a dishwasher.
0:44:51 > 0:44:55This may have the engine from a dishwasher -
0:44:55 > 0:45:02just three cylinders and 1,000cc - but it is the most futuristic and modern car here.
0:45:02 > 0:45:09It's called the Toyota IQ and it's the biggest leap in small car design since Dinky went bust.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14In order to sort out which is the best car,
0:45:14 > 0:45:17we've each been allowed to choose one test.
0:45:17 > 0:45:20I'm going first and I've decided the first test will be...
0:45:20 > 0:45:23a drag race...obviously.
0:45:28 > 0:45:30I'm not feeling confident about this,
0:45:30 > 0:45:36because, although I have the same power as James has in his Zanussi,
0:45:36 > 0:45:38the Roomster's a lot bigger and heavier.
0:45:38 > 0:45:410-60 in 16.4 seconds.
0:45:41 > 0:45:44And that, in English, is exactly...
0:45:44 > 0:45:46HE MUTTERS
0:45:46 > 0:45:48..one year.
0:45:52 > 0:45:53Got James!
0:45:54 > 0:45:55Lost James.
0:45:57 > 0:45:59He-he-he! Not bad.
0:46:01 > 0:46:05And we're through. Ha-ha-ha!
0:46:05 > 0:46:12'Shortly afterwards, the Indesit finished as well. And then the waiting began.'
0:46:23 > 0:46:2450.
0:46:37 > 0:46:3951!
0:46:45 > 0:46:47And in 1976, we went to Tenby, hired a cottage.
0:46:47 > 0:46:51- We went there. A cottage?- Yeah.- You must've been posh. We had a tent.
0:46:51 > 0:46:54Ooh, look! Is that him, or is that just another car that's going past?
0:46:54 > 0:46:56I don't know.
0:46:56 > 0:46:58I've actually forgotten what his car looks like.
0:46:58 > 0:47:01Power, power, power, speed - irrelevant.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04- What's the excuse going to be? - Ooh, tyre pressure.
0:47:04 > 0:47:06You lost, in case you were wondering.
0:47:06 > 0:47:12This car - faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14Yes, of course(!) How did you make that out?
0:47:14 > 0:47:19Well, if a Porsche is doing 30, I'm doing 35, I could easily get by.
0:47:19 > 0:47:22- What about if it was doing 93? - That would be against the law.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24He'd hopefully have his licence taken away.
0:47:24 > 0:47:27- There's another thing about this. - What?
0:47:27 > 0:47:29That is pure Lancia Stratos.
0:47:29 > 0:47:33- No, it isn't.- I'll grant you... - What do you mean?!- It just isn't.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36- Says the man in the Indesit! - What...come on!- Chaps,
0:47:36 > 0:47:41I'll just bring you back to my point, which is that only one of these three cars is an Alfa Romeo.
0:47:41 > 0:47:45The Alfa Romeo, which, if you peel away the body, is a Fiat Punto.
0:47:45 > 0:47:49- It's an Alfa Romeo! - It's a Fiat Punto with Alfa written on it! This is a Stratos!
0:47:49 > 0:47:53'It was then my turn to dream up a test and, since I had a Toyota,
0:47:53 > 0:47:57'I thought we should measure quality.'
0:47:57 > 0:47:59Right, each car is equipped with one of these.
0:47:59 > 0:48:02It's a decibel-o-meter. This will measure how loud your car is
0:48:02 > 0:48:05through Lionel Richie's head in the 1980s.
0:48:05 > 0:48:07You'll also be sitting on one of these -
0:48:07 > 0:48:09this is a vibration and harshness-o-meter
0:48:09 > 0:48:13- and this measures vibration and harshness.- Right! Let's do it.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16It's got three axes of measurement...
0:48:16 > 0:48:19- Does it produce a number at the end of the test?- Yes.
0:48:19 > 0:48:21- Right, good.- Good. Let's do it.
0:48:21 > 0:48:26With the equipment installed, we set off at a scientific 50mph.
0:48:37 > 0:48:44This may only have a three-cylinder diesel engine, but it's so quiet in here, I can hear my hair growing.
0:48:44 > 0:48:50Jeremy, it's a noise test and the machine is picking up your voice.
0:48:50 > 0:48:55After another run, we pulled over to see who'd won.
0:48:55 > 0:48:57How big is my victory?
0:48:57 > 0:48:59Not great.
0:48:59 > 0:49:01You two are neck-and-neck at 63 decibels of noise.
0:49:01 > 0:49:05- I have 61.- So it's better. - It's quieter?!- Yes.
0:49:05 > 0:49:10- Low numbers are better. Vibration and harshness, Jeremy - 2.1.- Yes!
0:49:10 > 0:49:13- Let's see. Hammond, 1.8.- Ha-ha!
0:49:13 > 0:49:15And I'm 1.5.
0:49:15 > 0:49:18It doesn't matter, because it is now time for my test.
0:49:18 > 0:49:21What we're going to do now is a lap of the track.
0:49:21 > 0:49:24The Skoda van's going to cream that(!)
0:49:24 > 0:49:26- While carrying something.- What?
0:49:26 > 0:49:31- A dog.- Let me guess - is it a King Charles spaniel?
0:49:31 > 0:49:35In fact, I'd lined up Lance, an Irish Wolfhound,
0:49:35 > 0:49:40Milly, a Great Dane and Alfie, a St Bernard.
0:49:41 > 0:49:47OK, here's how it works, right? Start the clock, then you load the dog into the car,
0:49:47 > 0:49:51you may have to lower your rear seats, yes?
0:49:51 > 0:49:53Do a lap, cross the line, stop the clock.
0:49:53 > 0:49:54I'll get my dog then.
0:49:54 > 0:49:58There is one rule in my test, yes?
0:49:58 > 0:50:02Don't drive like an idiot on the lap. If, when you get back, this dog looks sad,
0:50:02 > 0:50:04you're disqualified.
0:50:04 > 0:50:05OK, Lance, come on.
0:50:05 > 0:50:08But St Bernards always look sad.
0:50:08 > 0:50:10Ready? Go!
0:50:10 > 0:50:12- He's in.- Oh.
0:50:12 > 0:50:14I don't need that.
0:50:14 > 0:50:19- No, flat, flat.- I can't get it flat. I've got to... Lance, mind out, mate.
0:50:19 > 0:50:22'Rearranging the innards of the Alfa was tricky.'
0:50:22 > 0:50:24- There are three bits to lift up? - Yeah.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27- Are you in?- No.
0:50:27 > 0:50:31One minute 32 and the dog is still not in the car.
0:50:31 > 0:50:36- Up, up. Up, Lance.- Two minutes, nine seconds.
0:50:36 > 0:50:38In you get, in you get. There you go! Good boy.
0:50:38 > 0:50:42Oh, that's awkward. This is quite embarrassing now.
0:50:42 > 0:50:47'Finally, Phil Drabble was ready to go.'
0:50:49 > 0:50:53Now, there's a racing start... and there's that.
0:50:53 > 0:50:56That's it, good boy! Your breath stinks. It's terrible.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59This is a brilliant test.
0:50:59 > 0:51:02There are eight million dogs in the UK.
0:51:02 > 0:51:0523% of all households have a dog.
0:51:05 > 0:51:07Oh-hoh! Urgh!
0:51:07 > 0:51:11A car that can't handle a dog, frankly, is useless.
0:51:11 > 0:51:15Oh, God, it's all right. You're all right. Oh, good boy.
0:51:15 > 0:51:19It's the first Alfa to have Alfa Romeo's new DNA system.
0:51:19 > 0:51:23What that means is you get a switch down here that says DNA.
0:51:23 > 0:51:30They stand for Normal, Dynamic - which tightens up and sharpens the throttle.
0:51:30 > 0:51:34If you put it in All-weather, that lets the traction control know it might get slippy.
0:51:34 > 0:51:39'But, anxious not to be disqualified for upsetting the dog,
0:51:39 > 0:51:42'I left everything in very normal.'
0:51:42 > 0:51:49- Seven minutes...- Yeah. Now, I happen to know that, actually, that is a very good time
0:51:49 > 0:51:51for an Alfa Romeo Mito with a wolfhound on board.
0:51:51 > 0:51:54- Does he look sad?- No, I wouldn't say that's a sad dog.
0:51:54 > 0:51:57Bored out of his mind.
0:51:57 > 0:52:02- 'Maybe my Great Dane would have a more exciting time.'- Go.
0:52:02 > 0:52:05Come on, Milly, up, up. There you go. Look at that!
0:52:05 > 0:52:10There's a water tray for you. Oh, it leaks a bit.
0:52:10 > 0:52:12£11,500, you can lift the rear seats out,
0:52:12 > 0:52:17or fold them down. All I'm going to do is pull them forwards,
0:52:17 > 0:52:20which gives Milly a bit more room.
0:52:20 > 0:52:24Here we go. How do you feel now, dog?
0:52:24 > 0:52:27Yeah! What do you think of that?
0:52:27 > 0:52:33- What it needs is a substantial snack halfway round the lap, say a leg... - A head.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36This, of course, isn't really a Skoda.
0:52:36 > 0:52:40Peel away the body and underneath, at the front, it's a Volkswagen Polo.
0:52:40 > 0:52:45At the back, it's a Volkswagen Golf. The engine is from a Volkswagen.
0:52:45 > 0:52:48- And it's so beautifully made. - THUD!
0:52:48 > 0:52:50Sorry.
0:52:50 > 0:52:54Now, building up speed - dogs don't mind speed in a straight line - they love it!
0:52:56 > 0:52:59Dr Dolittle's on his way.
0:52:59 > 0:53:00- And... - TOOTS HORN
0:53:00 > 0:53:04- DOG SNORTS - Oh, it's not a lumpy yawn!
0:53:04 > 0:53:08Delighted! She's had light, space, air-conditioning...
0:53:08 > 0:53:13- slobbered on the car, she loved it so much. - How do we know that wasn't you?
0:53:13 > 0:53:14Just tell me the time.
0:53:14 > 0:53:16- Four minutes 13.- Oh, God.
0:53:16 > 0:53:19Three minutes faster than you?!
0:53:19 > 0:53:24'But would the Skoda be a match for the genius of the IQ?'
0:53:24 > 0:53:29This is one of the most cleverly packaged small cars in history.
0:53:29 > 0:53:33It is, in fact, the smallest four-seat car ever
0:53:33 > 0:53:38and it's all down to very innovative stuff, like the fuel tank, which is very shallow and very long,
0:53:38 > 0:53:41so it doesn't intrude into the passenger space.
0:53:41 > 0:53:44The engine is the other way round from other front-wheel drive cars,
0:53:44 > 0:53:47so the differential and the transmission are at the front.
0:53:47 > 0:53:50That saves more space down here.
0:53:50 > 0:53:56I think all this will stand me in good stead with my enormous dog.
0:53:56 > 0:53:58Three, two, one...go!
0:53:58 > 0:54:03- Right. - JEREMY AND RICHARD LAUGH
0:54:03 > 0:54:06- There's no space at all! - The seats go down.
0:54:06 > 0:54:09Can you stop interfering with my time?
0:54:09 > 0:54:12- He can't get in!- He can!- He can't!
0:54:12 > 0:54:14He doesn't know whether to get in or mate with it!
0:54:14 > 0:54:18- Alfie, come on.- Drive like that and hope he can keep up?
0:54:18 > 0:54:21Alfie, come on. You can stick your head out the window.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23- What are you doing?! - That's no good!
0:54:23 > 0:54:25- THEY LAUGH - Sit up.
0:54:25 > 0:54:27Alfie! Good dog.
0:54:27 > 0:54:31'Eventually, James's Hotpoint set off.'
0:54:31 > 0:54:33Oh, you've got gob on the gearstick!
0:54:35 > 0:54:38Of course, the IQ is a bit like a small, city supercar.
0:54:38 > 0:54:42The wheels are right on the corners, it's extremely agile.
0:54:42 > 0:54:45And it has a really small boot, like the Bugatti Veyron.
0:54:45 > 0:54:47- DOG SNORTS - Thanks for that.
0:54:47 > 0:54:52Nobody, unless they have no legs, could possibly sit in the back.
0:54:52 > 0:54:54Hold on, there's a bit of a... Oh, bloody hell!
0:54:54 > 0:54:57'In James's hands, the dishwasher was on a very slow cycle.'
0:55:00 > 0:55:03Gambon corner - he could spin off here at any point.
0:55:03 > 0:55:07- Two dogs, coming across the line in a Hotpoint.- Oh, no!
0:55:07 > 0:55:08Walkies, walkies.
0:55:08 > 0:55:11Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog!
0:55:11 > 0:55:16- Look at that face!- Oh, that's making me sad just looking at it! - That's his normal face!
0:55:16 > 0:55:17You want to hear your time?
0:55:17 > 0:55:20Six forty-eight...?
0:55:20 > 0:55:22You beat an Alfa Romeo.
0:55:22 > 0:55:27That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen and it's your fault.
0:55:27 > 0:55:33If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at "James May is a bastard, Top Gear, London".
0:55:37 > 0:55:42'With the score at one each, we left the track and headed out into the real world.'
0:55:42 > 0:55:44The idea's very simple.
0:55:44 > 0:55:50We shall drive to London to see which one looks best in the fashionable streets of Notting Hill.
0:55:53 > 0:55:56Well, it'll be mine. It just will.
0:55:56 > 0:56:04This is an Alfa Romeo, which is Latin for "yes, I will, but only because of your special car".
0:56:05 > 0:56:11'Meanwhile, I'd unearthed a problem with this, the cheapest version of the Roomster.'
0:56:11 > 0:56:13This just isn't powerful enough.
0:56:13 > 0:56:16There's never a gap big enough for you to pull out
0:56:16 > 0:56:19and get up to 70 before someone's caught you up.
0:56:19 > 0:56:21Here we go...foot hard down...
0:56:21 > 0:56:23HORN BLARES
0:56:23 > 0:56:28Sorry, sorry. He's shaking his head and I don't blame him.
0:56:30 > 0:56:34'In London, we pulled over for another real world test.'
0:56:34 > 0:56:39OK, we brimmed the tanks down at the track, so now we're in London,
0:56:39 > 0:56:42let's see who's used the least fuel.
0:56:42 > 0:56:47I don't feel all that confident on this one.
0:56:47 > 0:56:48£4.16.
0:56:48 > 0:56:50Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:56:50 > 0:56:56- The three-cylinder diesel engine... - Yes?- Follow me.
0:56:56 > 0:56:59- Eh?- What?!- You have to mash your foot down
0:56:59 > 0:57:02just to do 20mph.
0:57:02 > 0:57:06And that's the result. You're better off with a bigger engine.
0:57:06 > 0:57:13Anyway, listen, I've got an idea. First one to see another one of their own cars wins.
0:57:13 > 0:57:16So, if in Notting Hill, you see an Alfa Mito...
0:57:16 > 0:57:17I'll go with that.
0:57:19 > 0:57:23'As darkness fell, we began to near ciabatta central.'
0:57:23 > 0:57:25Cor, this is posh round here.
0:57:25 > 0:57:31Richard Branson lives up here on the right-hand side. Does he have a Roomster?
0:57:31 > 0:57:34Nnnnnno.
0:57:34 > 0:57:38We're about to penetrate Notting Hill, James.
0:57:38 > 0:57:43We'll go round that bend, it will be awash with brand-new IQs.
0:57:44 > 0:57:45'He was wrong.
0:57:47 > 0:57:48'We all were.'
0:57:51 > 0:57:54Fiat 500, Fiat 500...
0:57:54 > 0:58:01Fiat 500, Fiat 500...Fiat 500.
0:58:12 > 0:58:14Hmm.
0:58:17 > 0:58:20Now, there's a very good reason why I chose the Skoda Roomster
0:58:20 > 0:58:24rather than the Fiat 500 as the best cheap car in Britain.
0:58:24 > 0:58:28It's because, quite simply, I forgot about the Fiat.
0:58:32 > 0:58:36But...what if you want a car that begins with A?
0:58:36 > 0:58:43'So, there we are. If you want a small, cheap, good-looking, practical car
0:58:43 > 0:58:47'that's fast, economical and can carry a St Bernard, remember...
0:58:47 > 0:58:50'we know nothing.'
0:58:52 > 0:58:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:58:54 > 0:58:57APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:59:00 > 0:59:03If we'd have done more minutes of research...
0:59:03 > 0:59:06- we'd have remembered it. - We are numpties, aren't we?
0:59:06 > 0:59:10If we did a travel programme, we'd finish up by saying,
0:59:10 > 0:59:13"And there you are, the best place to go on holiday in Europe
0:59:13 > 0:59:15"is Belgium. Oh, no, we forgot France!"
0:59:15 > 0:59:19- I don't like the Fiat 500.- Oh, God. - Or France.
0:59:19 > 0:59:22That really isn't a bombshell, is it?
0:59:22 > 0:59:26But, we do have a couple next week, because these two have a race with Postman Pat
0:59:26 > 0:59:30and I declare war on the British Army! See you then. Take care. Good night!
0:59:48 > 0:59:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:59:53 > 0:59:57E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk