0:00:12 > 0:00:16JEREMY: Tonight, the fastest man in the world on our track.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18They don't call me Bolt Of Lightning for nothing.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21The slowest man in the world falls asleep.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26And we literally set fire to Dorset with a machine gun.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Thank you everybody, thank you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Thanks very much. Hello.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Hello and welcome.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Now, fast Fords.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46What they do is demonstrate that you don't need a plum in your mouth
0:00:46 > 0:00:48and a double-barrelled surname to get on in life.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52The RS Capri is Harold Wilson.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54The Sierra Cosworth is Bruce Springsteen.
0:00:54 > 0:01:02And then of course there is the Escort Cosworth, proof that God wears a donkey jacket.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I love a fast Ford. And now there's a new one.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20It's called the Focus RS.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25And let's cut straight to the chase.
0:01:25 > 0:01:31It costs £25,000, which is family saloon money.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34But its top speed
0:01:34 > 0:01:37is 163 miles an hour.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50There's a reason for that insane speed.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53A Volvo engine.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57It's the same one they used in the Focus ST but now it has new pistons,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59a new intercooler, a new inlet manifold.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03And a new type of turbo.
0:02:04 > 0:02:12The result is a front-wheel-drive car that produces 300 horsepower, which is impossible.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering
0:02:20 > 0:02:24while handling let's say more than 170 brake horsepower
0:02:24 > 0:02:29is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Penguins.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34While making love to a beautiful woman
0:02:34 > 0:02:38while on fire, on stage, in front of the Queen.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It's all going to go wrong.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45To try and make sure it doesn't, the RS has a new type of
0:02:45 > 0:02:50front differential featuring things that only James May can understand.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53But does it work?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56So, watch the steering wheel, OK? Hands off.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58WHEELSPIN
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Yep, that's torque steer, look.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05The power is actually turning the wheel, and violently turning it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09So the diff hasn't fully cured that problem.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13But what about cornering?
0:03:15 > 0:03:22You can actually feel the whole system working through the wheel. It's odd.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I have to say though, the grip is absolutely phenomenal.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Look at that.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Eventually, of course, you will slide wide.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39But only after your face has come off.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51This is an amazing car.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55And let's not forget, shall we, that without behind the noise...
0:03:57 > 0:04:01and the power, and the massively flared wheel arches,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04this is still a Ford Focus.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06It has a big boot, a fold-down rear seat,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09sat nav and air conditioning.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15You might think this is a bit garish.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19The sort of car that would turn up to court with its hat on back to front.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You might think your BMW is better.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26But when it comes to offering the maximum amount of fun
0:04:26 > 0:04:30with the most amount of practicality for the least amount of money,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34I honestly can't think of anything which even gets close.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Oh, I can!
0:04:44 > 0:04:48This is a Renault Megane R26R.
0:04:53 > 0:04:59It weighs 19 stone less than the standard hot Megane because it has no sound dampening,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02no sat nav, no radio,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05and even a titanium exhaust system.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08As the result of all of that,
0:05:08 > 0:05:13this car has just been round the Nurburgring - 8 minutes 17 seconds.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17No other front-wheel drive car has ever been around faster.
0:05:18 > 0:05:25So if it's fun you're after, forget Jeremy's fat Ford, this is what you want.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- Hammond. - Yes, what?- Let me ask you a question.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37- Yes, go on.- How many horsepower do you have in your Renault?
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Er, 227.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- 227.- Same as a normal Honda.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45So that's 73 less than I have in the Ford. Shall we count them?
0:05:45 > 0:05:50- One, two, three...- Yes, it's got less horsepower because it needs less because it's lighter.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- How much does your Ford weigh? - 1.4 tons.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57About 200 kilos more than this. It's a sports car.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Power, Hammond, is everything. - No it isn't, it's lightness.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- Power.- No, it's not. - It is.- It isn't.- It is.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- It isn't.- It is. Well, it is a bit. - Do you know what?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- We should settle this and there's only one way.- Yes.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- A race.- A drag race.- Yes.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17And I'm thinking not just a conventional drag race, let's make it a Le Mans-style drag race.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- Come back here.- What, where you run to the car?- Run to the car.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- That car's quite a long way.- Run to the car. Belt on, engine on, whoom!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- OK? Ready?- All right.- Steady.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Yep.- Go!
0:06:27 > 0:06:31You see, I'm in already.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Right, belt on.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I don't have a belt, I have a harness but that's OK.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41No, that's...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh, God, I'm sitting on it.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50That's not right. Clearly.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- What do you think of that? - Let's do...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I won the race, came back to the start line, you haven't even begun.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06- What's the matter? - Four-point harness.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Hammond suggested we had a new race where we started IN the cars.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Whoa! Come on!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Oh, he's got a bit of a quick start.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Lightness versus power. Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Rotten off the line, the light weight helped there
0:07:27 > 0:07:29but now the power comes in.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Oh, ho!- Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Aah!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- I had you up to 120. - And then what happened?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40How much does that cost anyway?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42£25,000.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44There you go, that's £2,000 more than the Renault.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- What's this?- Ah, yes, that's to save weight, it's thin.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- That's not thin. - It's lightweight, that's the point.
0:07:50 > 0:07:56- Look at this.- Yeah? It's to keep the weight down low so that the bits high up the car are light.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57It's a polythene bag.
0:07:57 > 0:08:03- That's to make it...- I'd love to know just how much room there is in the back for somebody of my height.
0:08:03 > 0:08:09- Oh no, it's all full of scaffolding. - Yes, and that makes it better through the corners.- Better than what?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- Better than that thing for a start. - Let's have a look in here, shall we?
0:08:13 > 0:08:18- No radio.- You don't want a radio in there, it's about weight. You want to listen to the engine.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Passenger airbag? - Who cares about them?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- You've got just one airbag. - Yes.- There's nothing...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Yes, because it's been stripped out.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- Let's look at the opposite end of the scale.- The winning... - Let's just have a look.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35Stereo, yeah, big unit. And what's this big stick down there?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- Just push that.- Yeah.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Voice control?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Voice control.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- Put the radio on, please? - No, don't be stupid.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- COMPUTER VOICE:- Important speech commands for radio are...- Oh God!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51How does that help you go faster?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Let's just go to the graphic equaliser, shall we?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58I don't want any of this on my sports car.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00The thing that gets you...
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- What do you mean?- None of this has anything to do with a hot hatch.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05No, the whole point of a hot hatch is that it should do everything.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Yours just does fast, and not very well.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12After another hour of bickering, we swapped cars.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16And both of us were in for a big surprise.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18That's a lot of power.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20God, it's quick on the corners.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Then it all turned into a big race.
0:09:28 > 0:09:33It looks like I have myself a big green Ford bearing down.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Every time I catch up on the straight...
0:09:36 > 0:09:41Yeah, this is better under braking. And I can turn tighter.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Oh, I'm oversteering! Oh no!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Power. Reel him in.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:09:54 > 0:09:58'Soon the film crew realised it would all end in a big crash and tried to stop us.'
0:10:01 > 0:10:02HE WHISTLES
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- WALKIE-TALKIE: - ..Please come back in.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- What?- Having too much fun.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11The crew's going mad for some reason.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14SIREN BLARES
0:10:14 > 0:10:19- What?- CREW:- Got to do tracking shots. Come on, stop carrying on!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21What were you thinking? We've got other shots to do.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- It was him.- The sun's going down.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I wanted to come in. I actually did say we should go in.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35After a whole day's testing, we arrived at three conclusions.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40One, the Renault is the best to drive on a short blast.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45Two, the more powerful, more comfortable Ford is better to own on a day-to-day basis.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50And three, if you had your heart set on one of these
0:10:50 > 0:10:54before the banking crisis came along, don't worry,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57because you can now have just as much fun
0:10:57 > 0:10:59for a whole lot less.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- Fair point.- Fair point. Exactly.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- Craftsmanship. - That's good, that's good.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13It's a good car.
0:11:13 > 0:11:20- It is.- But obviously as an overall engineering package there is only one choice.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Yes, there is. The Ford.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26I completely agree with absolutely nothing you're saying.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31Tell you what, we will sort this out by finding out which is the fastest round our track.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34That of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
0:11:34 > 0:11:42Some say that he is absolutely baffled by urinals.
0:11:42 > 0:11:48And that on reflection this was a bad week to launch his debut single.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52It's a tribute. To Farrah Fawcett.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55All we know is he's called The Stig.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58There we go. Now the Renault is going to be fastest.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- Yeah but look, it's straight into the lead.- But wait till we get to the first corner.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- There we go.- It will still be ahead, I knew it.- Look at that.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Look at the Renault clinging on like a kitten to your curtains.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13- A-ha, but now what's going to happen?- The Focus is still rolling.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14- BAGPIPE MUSIC - Listen.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- Is that music coming from your Renault?- No.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19No, because it hasn't got a stereo.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21No bagpipe music, how is that a bad thing?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Look at it roll. The Ford can't stay on the track.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Watch the Ford.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- Scuffing its door mirrors as it goes through.- Just shut up.- What a mess!
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Cornering level from the Renault.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Now it's all straight from here on in. 300 horsepower.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37BAGPIPES CONTINUE
0:12:37 > 0:12:39There we go.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43The cheese-eating surrender monkey is now going to be...
0:12:43 > 0:12:46200 horsepower hauling its massive bulk.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Here we go, coming up to the second-to-last corner.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54- I admit, yes, the Renault will be good through here.- And the Ford...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56That is superb.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Absolutely magnificent last bit. Exciting.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Across the line!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03APPLAUSE
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Let the board decide.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11The Ford did it... Ford first.
0:13:11 > 0:13:18The Ford did it in 1 minute 29.3 seconds. There it is.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20A good time, OK, OK.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22But the Renault, what did it do?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Oh God, I've forgotten.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- No, come on, tell us.- It was on the tip of my tongue, I can't remember.
0:13:28 > 0:13:35Can I just say if you're watching this on the Sky Plus, welcome. You haven't missed much.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Just a crummy Renault driving around quite slowly.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Just tell us what the Renault did it in!
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- 1.28.1. - 1.28.1!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46APPLAUSE
0:13:46 > 0:13:50That's brilliant. A victory for the Renault.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Doesn't matter.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- It doesn't matter. It can't go on the board.- What? Why?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- It's on slicks. These are slick tyres.- They're road legal.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01There's no tread on them at all.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- They're road legal! - They're morally wrong.- What?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Morally wrong?
0:14:05 > 0:14:09So, you're going to report me to the Church of England now?
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- Yes, and then you'd be in trouble with the baby Jesus. - For my tyre treads?
0:14:13 > 0:14:18And now the news, and we begin the news with a new Lamborghini.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Here it is. And that has been named after
0:14:21 > 0:14:26their recently retired chief test driver Valentino Balboni.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30I bet they wouldn't have called it after him if he'd been named Ken Shufflebottom.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- Their new chief test driver is called Max Venturi.- No, he's not.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- He is.- He is, honestly. That's his real name.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42Nobody outside of a comic strip is called Max Venturi, Lamborghini tester.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46You don't need a driving licence to be a Lamborghini test driver.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49You just turn up for the interview, go, "I'm sorry,
0:14:49 > 0:14:53"I'm drunk and mad but I'm called Velociraptor Clint Thrust."
0:14:53 > 0:14:54"Right, you start on Monday."
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Anyway, it's a limited edition. They're only going to make 250.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02It's £138,000, which is £10,000 less than the regular car.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06But that's because this is rear-wheel drive. The others are four-wheel drives.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10- But what I really like about it is that stripe.- This one?- Yeah.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12It goes over the seats as well.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Does it?- Yes, it carries over the roof and over the seats.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.
0:15:19 > 0:15:25Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Have you seen this?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29That's a burning Gallardo.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Have you seen this?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33That a burning Gallardo.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- Have you seen this? - That's a burning Gallardo.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- I know, but have you seen this? - That's a burning Gallardo!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- What about this?- Burning Gallardo. - What about this?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44That would be a burning Gallardo. That's ridiculous.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49So I go into the dealer and I say, "I'd like a Lamborghini, could I have one that's not on fire?"
0:15:49 > 0:15:54The thing is, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58You drive a normal car and it's not on fire!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Goodwood Festival of Speed last weekend, as I am sure you know.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06This is a celebration of all the great cars or the brilliant cars we have seen over the years.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Renault turned up with this.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:14I kid you not. Look what it says here on the picture they sent us.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16The Renault ZE, that stands for zero emissions,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Renault ZE concept wows Goodwood Festival of Speed.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Wrong word, should be "ruins".
0:16:21 > 0:16:23What are they talking about?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27How many children said, "Dad, can we please go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed
0:16:27 > 0:16:30"cos I really want to see a zero emission Renault van?"
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Yes, how many of those kids went back to school the next day, "Did you see the chrome-plated Bugatti?"
0:16:34 > 0:16:37"No, but I saw a Renault van with green windows, yeah."
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Right, what else have we got?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Right, now Hammond, have you seen this?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- It's for you.- Oh, it's a Zonda.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50This thing, this is the Zonda Cinque.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53It's got a new front splitter, new diffuser.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58But what they've done is invent a new composite fibre
0:16:58 > 0:16:59to make this thing.
0:16:59 > 0:17:05The body of it is made, it combines carbon and titanium to make carbotanium.
0:17:05 > 0:17:11- They haven't called it that. - It's straight out of a comic. And it's made of carbotanium.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Carbotanium. It's a good job they didn't call it titbon!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Anyway, that's got quite a lot of power.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21678, 217 miles an hour, 0 to 60 in 3.4 seconds.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23It's right up your street, Hammond.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Do you know the most impressive statistic about this car?
0:17:27 > 0:17:34It does 124 miles an hour to zero in 4.3 seconds.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Just in case, let me just time that for you.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39So you're doing 124 now.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- Brake, 100, 50 and you've stopped now.- That's immense.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46124 to... It's just unbelievable.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51- You would feel that.- That could actually quite literally make you sick, decelerating at that rate.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56In fact, I did a calculation. That is the equivalent of minus 1.3G.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Your sick would come out really quickly.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03All over the dash of your Zonda... Bits of carrot.
0:18:03 > 0:18:09- And you did a calculation on how quick the sick would come out? - Oddly enough, I have.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14Your sick, Richard Hammond, if you braked from 125mph to 0 in that Zonda
0:18:14 > 0:18:19would accelerate out of your mouth at 12.9 metres per second squared.
0:18:19 > 0:18:24James! Nobody's bothered. Now, anyone here been to China?
0:18:24 > 0:18:30OK, the thing is, when you're there you are often tempted to buy one of those fake watches.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Yes, because you just think, "Oh yes, that'll get everybody fooled."
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Oh, it's stopped.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39The thing is there's a Chinese company now called Geely
0:18:39 > 0:18:44- and they have launched a fake Rolls-Royce.- Oh, give over.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Got a picture of it here.
0:18:47 > 0:18:54If there is ever any budget cuts on The Apprentice, Alan Sugar could turn up in that,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57nobody would be any the wiser. It's identical!
0:18:57 > 0:18:58What are these?!
0:18:59 > 0:19:03It's almost like they said, what does a Rolls-Royce look like, down the phone.
0:19:03 > 0:19:08Mind you, you think the overall shape is bad, you know the Flying Lady on the front.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13We've got the picture here of the one that is actually on Alan Sugar's car. There it is.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Would you like to see the one on the Geely fake?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16- Yep.- Here it is.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Oh God!
0:19:18 > 0:19:22They just made that out of a bit of foil at the top of a cigarette packet and twisted it into shape.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- It's got no head.- It's terrible.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Anyway, listen, that is the news. And now we must move on.
0:19:28 > 0:19:35One of the questions we are forever being asked is, which is fastest, a car or a letter?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Yeah, it's a very interesting question, so Hammond and I decided
0:19:38 > 0:19:41we would race against Her Majesty's postal service.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46Job number one, find ourselves a first-class set of wheels.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54And this could very well do the job.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Porsche's first ever four-door saloon.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02It's called the Panamera and it ought to be good
0:20:02 > 0:20:07since it's taken them 61 years to get around to making it.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14You said in our last series that this looks like an Austin Maxi.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Yes, I did. I'm not so sure now.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Anyway, more of the car in a minute. First though, our race.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25We are currently down here in the Scilly Isles
0:20:25 > 0:20:29which is the most south-westerly part of Britain.
0:20:29 > 0:20:35And the finishing point is all the way up here in the middle of the very remote Orkneys.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Yes, and in a moment that man is going to pop that letter in the letter box.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Shortly after that, Postman Pat will pick it up.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45And then it will be on its way to Zanzibar Bungalow, Birsay, Orkney.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Right, so basically it is our job to defend the honour of the car
0:20:49 > 0:20:53against the might of the Royal Mail and everything at its disposal.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56So we must get there first because, if we don't,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59we are effectively saying, don't buy this Porsche, buy a stamp.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Yeah, I'm inclined to get a wriggle on.- Go.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I took the wheel for the first leg.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Load it up.- Excuse me.- Thank you.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21You're driving the next leg.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22You've only driven it 200 yards.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27As we hit the open sea,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30our rival swung into action.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36The letter would travel by helicopter to the mainland
0:21:36 > 0:21:40and then onwards via four plane journeys to the Orkneys,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43passing through several sorting offices along the way.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Delivery time was before noon the next day.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52That must be the helicopter with the letter on it.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57- Well, we've lost! - But I haven't driven the car yet.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01'In fact by the time we landed in Penzance,
0:22:01 > 0:22:05'the letter had already been on the mainland for an hour and a half
0:22:05 > 0:22:07'and was now at the sorting office in Truro.
0:22:07 > 0:22:13'Next stop for us, the ferry at John O'Groats in Scotland.'
0:22:16 > 0:22:19830 miles, go, go, go.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Let's see what its overtaking ability is like.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32- Significant. - It goes like a stabbed rat.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35This particular stabbed rat is the cheapest version,
0:22:35 > 0:22:41with a 4.4 litre 394 horsepower V8.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Top speed 176 miles per hour.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Price, just over £72,000.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50And I know it's got some extras.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Yeah, this one has everything.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55It's got leather interior, £3,000.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Wheels, 930 quid.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00What, you don't get wheels normally?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Doppelkupplungsgetriebe - DPG.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04That's the gearbox, yeah.
0:23:04 > 0:23:062,289 quid to you.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Sun roof, 946 quid.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Heated multi-function steering wheel, 700 quid.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15And to finish off, ceramic brakes,
0:23:15 > 0:23:195,235 quid.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25I've just discovered something so brilliant that you are going to get excited.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26There are five dials on the dash.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Yeah.- Look at that.- Sat nav.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33You get the moving map in the dial. Oh, oh!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- You're not going to crash doing this? - Yes, I am!
0:23:37 > 0:23:41It does 0 to 60 in 5.4 seconds.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Slower than an M5 but that is quicker than a Quattroporte.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47The Quattroporte is the car it has to beat in my book.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I know it's flawed but it is fantastically charming.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- I like that car. The ridiculousness of it.- Yeah.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- It's wonderful.- This is a Porsche, it won't have any ridiculousness.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57No, this is German.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04Now, as road testers, we're supposed to approach every new car with an open mind.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Hammond, however, was struggling.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I'm not sure I want it to be any good.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14- Are you still one of these people who wants Porsche to only ever make the 911?- Yes.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18So in Hammond's Britain would everybody who wants to buy a Porsche be forced to buy a 911?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Yes. You'd walk into the shop and I'd say, "I'd like a Porsche please."
0:24:21 > 0:24:24And they'd say, "Certainly sir, what colour would you like?"
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- You'd allow them to choose the colour?- Yeah.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30'We overtook the letter whilst it was still
0:24:30 > 0:24:34'bumbling around the sorting office and pressed home our advantage.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36'But as darkness fell, it was on the move again,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39'now heading to Exeter airport.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43'We knew this because we'd fitted it with a tracking device.'
0:24:43 > 0:24:46This is like being in a Bond movie.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Location, on the A30, 1.27 miles north west of Longdown.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- We are miles ahead. - We are miles ahead.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Yeah, we're abeam, almost abeam Cardiff.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01What does abeam mean?
0:25:01 > 0:25:06- Alongside.- Why don't you say "close to Cardiff" then?
0:25:06 > 0:25:12'The other good news was that because we weren't in Vietnam or anywhere foreign,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15'I had control of the catering.'
0:25:15 > 0:25:16What I'm proposing is this.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18A bag of crisps each.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22A sickly sugar-riddled drink. And then a Jaffa Cake.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38HE BURPS
0:25:38 > 0:25:44Dinner gave me indigestion as did the news from the computer.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46The letter is now at Exeter airport.
0:25:46 > 0:25:53'Where, after a bit more sorting, it would be shooting on to a plane towards East Midlands airport.'
0:25:53 > 0:25:58How long do you reckon it would take to fly there, from Exeter to East Midlands Airport?
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- That's going to be...an hour? - It can't be more than an hour and a half I wouldn't have thought.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05No. Wouldn't it be great if we passed East Midlands Airport before it got there?
0:26:05 > 0:26:10In fact we've got to. If we don't do that, we're stuffed. Get your toe down.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Progress was good. That is, until we hit Birmingham.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Miles and miles and miles and miles.
0:26:24 > 0:26:31Meanwhile, the Royal Mail army, 160,000 strong with 30,000 vehicles
0:26:31 > 0:26:36and planes at its disposal, was now really flexing its muscles.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Nobody at all doing anything whatsoever.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43What have you got working on the road? Tiny mice that I can't see?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- It's taken off. - We are doing 16 miles an hour.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57It's probably doing 300.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58This could cost us the race.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Since we were crawling, we pitted for fuel and a driver change.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09And then mercifully the roadworks ended.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- This thing covers miles like nothing I've ever been in.- I know.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24The seats are excellent, I have to say.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27No complaints whatsoever about the seats.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30OK, simplest question.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- Does it feel like a Porsche?- No.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Thus far I'd agree, no, I don't think it does.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39But we have as yet only driven it on motorways and A roads.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Very true. So we can't arrive at a verdict on this car
0:27:42 > 0:27:45until we've done the windy bits on the top of Scotland.
0:27:45 > 0:27:51'Just after midnight, the laptop spewed out a mail update.'
0:27:51 > 0:27:53The letter is at East Midlands Airport.
0:27:55 > 0:28:01So at the moment we still have the lead because we were further north, just passing Warrington.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02We are ahead. Well ahead.
0:28:02 > 0:28:08We are, but it's going to get on another aeroplane and then it goes cracking all the way to Scotland.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15It's an immense operation. This is a big car.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20But it's nothing compared to the scale of the operation against which we have pitched it.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23'Right now though I had a more immediate problem.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26'And it was sitting in the passenger seat.'
0:28:26 > 0:28:30I am going to take your mind off the journey with
0:28:30 > 0:28:32some Royal Mail trivia.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Do you absolutely have to?
0:28:34 > 0:28:38How many addresses do you think there are in the UK?
0:28:38 > 0:28:41- That's a fairly easy one.- 12.
0:28:41 > 0:28:4312 addresses?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45I don't know, do I?
0:28:45 > 0:28:47- 28 million.- Why is that an easy one?
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Because you know there are roughly 28 million households.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54- Why would I know that? - Because everybody knows that. - No, they don't. I don't.
0:28:54 > 0:28:59How many incidents a year are there of postmen being bitten by dogs?
0:28:59 > 0:29:012,735,000.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04No. 5,000. Which monarch...
0:29:04 > 0:29:06How many of these do you have?
0:29:06 > 0:29:10'James managed to bore me all the way up to the Lake District.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14'But then he was distracted by news from the laptop.'
0:29:14 > 0:29:16It is effectively overhead.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19The letter is now belting ahead.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25It's going to be in Edinburgh in no time.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Yes, I would guess within 25 minutes.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31How can we possibly win this?
0:29:33 > 0:29:35At 1.30 in the morning the roads were clear.
0:29:35 > 0:29:41But when the plane touched down in Edinburgh we were still a good 80 miles behind.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44It's a big centre. There's a lot of postcodes in there.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48But they have got a lot of people working there, I suspect.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53They obviously did because just over half an hour later,
0:29:53 > 0:29:56while we were still south of Edinburgh,
0:29:56 > 0:30:00the letter was in the air again.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03It's cracking up to the north of Scotland at a helluva lick.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05We're in a lot of trouble.
0:30:05 > 0:30:09- I'm going to do some more time and distance calculations.- Oh, good(!
0:30:09 > 0:30:10HE SNEEZES Bless you. Bless you.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Bless you. Bless you.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16Bless you. Bless you.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19In the end, the calculation was quite simple.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23By the time our letter landed at RAF Kinloss,
0:30:23 > 0:30:27it had opened up a crushing lead of 115 miles.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30The only good news
0:30:30 > 0:30:33was that my co-driver had become mercifully quiet.
0:30:34 > 0:30:39JAMES SNORES
0:30:47 > 0:30:50RICHARD WHISTLES
0:30:50 > 0:30:54- OK, we've lost.- Don't be defeatist.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58No. It was not the time to throw in the towel just yet
0:30:58 > 0:31:01because the letter had now slowed down
0:31:01 > 0:31:04as it trundled on a lorry towards Inverness Sorting Office.
0:31:04 > 0:31:09By contrast, we had miles of stunning roads ahead.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14Time to see if this thing drove like a Porsche.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16We're going for full sport.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Feel that!
0:31:22 > 0:31:26It's pelvis-shatteringly quick, this car.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29And that's not all. The Panamera has almost perfect
0:31:29 > 0:31:32weight distribution.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36The lowest centre of gravity of any big saloon
0:31:36 > 0:31:40and it's lighter than any rival except the featherweight Jag XJR.
0:31:40 > 0:31:45It even has magnesium window frames to keep the lard at bay.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49Put all this together and, in the corners, it was a class act.
0:31:51 > 0:31:57The only thing I criticised this thing for, having no sense of drama and theatre about it, it has.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00It's bonkers. It's massive.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05It does things that a supercar does, only it's got four doors.
0:32:05 > 0:32:10- Are you saying you like it, then? - I'm saying I think I prefer it to an M5.
0:32:12 > 0:32:18No, you see, I'd go for the Mazda. This is very good but it doesn't really move me.
0:32:19 > 0:32:24However, because it's so fast, it did put us back in the game.
0:32:24 > 0:32:31- We've just passed the letter because we've just gone past Inverness. Tell me I'm right.- Yes.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35- And the letter is still in the Inverness sorting office. - So, we've taken the lead again?
0:32:37 > 0:32:43This was the world's biggest game of leapfrog and, as we got closer to John O'Groats,
0:32:43 > 0:32:47the letter zoomed overhead, bound for the Orkneys.
0:32:51 > 0:32:56- This is ridiculous, even trying to catch it.- Let's try anyway.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00Good news, it's not going like the clappers any more.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03The bad news is, that means it's landed, it's in Kirkwall.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05It's on Orkney.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09We now had less than two hours before the letter got sorted
0:33:09 > 0:33:14and postie would be on his rounds, heading for Zanzibar bungalow.
0:33:15 > 0:33:20- I'm sorry, but we've blown it. - He could fall off his bike!
0:33:20 > 0:33:22- It's arithmetic.- I don't want him to fall off his bike.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26Obviously that's a terrible thing to happen but if he did, we'd win.
0:33:26 > 0:33:31If by some fluke, we beat the letter to Zanzibar Cottage our conclusion would have to be
0:33:31 > 0:33:35the postal system in Britain is absolutely brilliant
0:33:35 > 0:33:37everywhere except on the Orkneys.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Or, if you need to post a letter, you could do it the old-fashioned way
0:33:40 > 0:33:43and buy a 39p stamp and let somebody else do it,
0:33:43 > 0:33:46or spend £90,000 on a Porsche,
0:33:46 > 0:33:51drive yourself, overnight, 870 miles, and deliver it by hand.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53So it's not cheap.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55But it's making sure.
0:34:02 > 0:34:03There's the ferry!
0:34:03 > 0:34:09The boat journey would take an agonising 45 minutes.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11And that wasn't the only bad news.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15It says here the signal's been lost. Is that because we're at sea?
0:34:15 > 0:34:19It might be. But more importantly I've got a text here
0:34:19 > 0:34:24saying the tracker has been switched off by the office,
0:34:24 > 0:34:27so we don't know where the letter is.
0:34:27 > 0:34:33- It keeps the tension up. Keeps us going.- It means we've lost, doesn't it?- You don't know that!
0:34:38 > 0:34:41By the time we landed it was almost 11 o'clock,
0:34:41 > 0:34:45so we knew that postie would be on his rounds.
0:34:45 > 0:34:52- Go, go, go, go! - 'It was us in a V8 Porsche against a man in a Vauxhall Combo van.'
0:34:55 > 0:34:58This is an annoying time to be stuck behind a lorry.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Extremely.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09- Do you see any red vans?- No.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20Can you stop driving like such an arse? It's not going to make any difference.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23I'm driving quickly - that will make a difference in a race.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32Birsay. That was it. It's right up here.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39It's half 11.
0:35:39 > 0:35:40The stress is killing me.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Right, that's it there.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49This is it.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52If it's there, it'll be on the mat.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Ha-ha-ha!
0:35:56 > 0:35:59Let's just check inside.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02- That means we just have to sit here and wait.- Aaah! There's an envelope.
0:36:02 > 0:36:07That's Truro, 21.05, that's it, we've lost.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Hang on!
0:36:19 > 0:36:24What you're saying is, if you want to get something to the top of Scotland, buy a stamp.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Yes.
0:36:26 > 0:36:31I have to say, the Queen's head is better looking than this.
0:36:31 > 0:36:36- Actually, I don't think it's that bad.- Hammond! All Porsches are ugly.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38This looks like a mangled ape.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41- Look at it.- It'll grow on you.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44When will it grow on me?
0:36:44 > 0:36:48N-n-no, it hasn't, and it never will, James, it never will.
0:36:48 > 0:36:53So I tell you what we're all going to do now. We're going to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57My guest tonight has got three Olympic gold medals.
0:36:57 > 0:37:04And unlike the Stig, he didn't steal them after a full-on fist fight with Sebastian Coe.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Ladies and gentlemen, Usain Bolt!
0:37:06 > 0:37:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:12 > 0:37:14- How are you?- OK.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18Usain Bolt! Have a seat.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26That is an honour. Thank you so much for coming.
0:37:26 > 0:37:27Thank you so much.
0:37:27 > 0:37:34How many times have you watched your 100-metre gold medal run in China?
0:37:34 > 0:37:36- Ah, a lot.- A lot?- Yeah, a lot.
0:37:36 > 0:37:40- 9 point- ..69.- 9.69 seconds.
0:37:40 > 0:37:41What's interesting about that,
0:37:41 > 0:37:44there's a still photograph that I found of you crossing the line.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Can we just have a look at this?
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Just put this up? Watch this.
0:37:50 > 0:37:55You set a world record with your shoelace undone.
0:37:55 > 0:37:59- I don't know what happened there. - Well, I do, it just came undone.
0:37:59 > 0:38:05- It's the speed, it's the speed. - And 100 metres, from an early age, wasn't even your speciality?
0:38:05 > 0:38:08No, it wasn't, actually. Mainly the 200 metres
0:38:08 > 0:38:13- was my speciality, and I do the 400 metres, but I hate the 400 metres. - I hate running 400 metres!
0:38:15 > 0:38:21- I'd hate running to there! What's the matter with the 400 metres? - The training is so hard.
0:38:21 > 0:38:22It's really intense.
0:38:22 > 0:38:27Because it's a long distance, and you get something called lactic acid, you probably wouldn't know!
0:38:29 > 0:38:31He's right! He's right!
0:38:31 > 0:38:32APPLAUSE
0:38:37 > 0:38:41Let me tell you something, Bolt - fat men are harder to kidnap.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46Actually, what was the last 100 metres you ran?
0:38:46 > 0:38:53- 9.86.- 9.86. Cos when I was about 17, I used to do 12 seconds.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57I'm only really 2.3 seconds slower than the fastest man in the world.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00That's nothing! I must be, what,
0:39:00 > 0:39:03the fifth fastest guy in the world!
0:39:04 > 0:39:08I was coming here today and I was looking through a magazine,
0:39:08 > 0:39:11and I came across something interesting.
0:39:11 > 0:39:12The sexiest men.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16100 sexiest men. And you're, like, what, 87?
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- And you're not looking so sexy!- 87?!
0:39:19 > 0:39:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:22 > 0:39:2487th!
0:39:30 > 0:39:32And, in 97th place...
0:39:32 > 0:39:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:36 > 0:39:40Richard Hammond's not in it!
0:39:40 > 0:39:42But nor are you!
0:39:42 > 0:39:45I'm just... I can't do this.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47If I come in there, then there's going to be nobody else
0:39:47 > 0:39:52- on that page! - Can you just give me an idea of
0:39:52 > 0:39:57your training regime in order to be able to break world records?
0:39:57 > 0:40:01For me, I train, like, six times a week, three hours a day.
0:40:01 > 0:40:07- Only three?- Yeah. Don't let the three hours fool you - it's very intense work!
0:40:08 > 0:40:12Forgive me for saying this, but there's a quote, a direct quote
0:40:12 > 0:40:16from you. This was, I think, the day of your 100 metres gold medal.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18You know what I'm going to say!
0:40:18 > 0:40:21It said, "I didn't have breakfast, woke up at 11.00,
0:40:21 > 0:40:26"sat around watching TV, then had some chicken nuggets..."
0:40:27 > 0:40:32Oh, no, it gets better! "Slept for two hours, then went back and got some more nuggets."
0:40:33 > 0:40:37Is that for real? Was that...?
0:40:37 > 0:40:41The reason why I did that, actually, was because I didn't trust the food, really.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43In China.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46I was saying, "I want to make sure I eat something I know."
0:40:46 > 0:40:48So I got nuggets!
0:40:48 > 0:40:50I'm sure about nuggets!
0:40:50 > 0:40:51OK, your cars.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53I've really got to go on to your cars.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56First of all, do your management people - I guess you must have them -
0:40:56 > 0:41:01- do they try to keep you out of fast cars?- Yes, they do.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04They do? Because you might...?
0:41:04 > 0:41:07- Crash them or something. - So how come you had an M3?
0:41:07 > 0:41:11My sponsors, actually, when I won at the Olympics,
0:41:11 > 0:41:15my sponsors, Puma, they said, "What do you want?"
0:41:15 > 0:41:17And I said an M3, because I really wanted one.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19And they bought it for me.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22They bought you an M3? Are they mad?!
0:41:22 > 0:41:25- And what happened to it? - Uh...I write it off!
0:41:28 > 0:41:30It was not a pretty sight.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32I'm really embarrassed to tell you this -
0:41:32 > 0:41:34we've got a photograph.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Who'd like to see the photo?
0:41:36 > 0:41:38- AUDIENCE: Yes! - Let's have a look.
0:41:39 > 0:41:41AUDIENCE GASPS
0:41:41 > 0:41:45- Has this been rolled? - Yeah. Three times, actually.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48- Were you OK?- Yeah!
0:41:48 > 0:41:50I was good. The only problem I had,
0:41:50 > 0:41:54when I came out, I was barefoot, and I got sticked by prickles, actually.
0:41:54 > 0:42:00- Prickles? What, thorns? - Yeah. That was the only problem I had, actually!
0:42:00 > 0:42:07Now, when we discovered you were going to be able to come on, you said you were going to be fast
0:42:07 > 0:42:12on our track. Is this just a competitive thing, or do you really think that you're a quick man?
0:42:12 > 0:42:14I... I think?!
0:42:17 > 0:42:21I proved that I am a quick man, but if I'm the fastest man in the world,
0:42:21 > 0:42:25I need to show the people that I am a fast driver also.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Who would like to see Usain's lap?
0:42:27 > 0:42:28AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:42:28 > 0:42:29Let's have a look!
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Run the tape.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36'It's a nice start.'
0:42:36 > 0:42:39Focus! Eyes on the prize, let's go!
0:42:40 > 0:42:43'That's nice and aggressive. I am liking the first corner.
0:42:46 > 0:42:48'Yes, tidy!'
0:42:48 > 0:42:50Think Michael Schumacher!
0:42:52 > 0:42:57'Michael Schumacher wouldn't do this! Well, he didn't do this - he got lost.'
0:42:57 > 0:43:00They don't call me Bolt of Lightning for nothing!
0:43:00 > 0:43:04'Hammerhead - obviously, you've got to concentrate here.
0:43:06 > 0:43:10- 'Did you do much training for this?'- 'No.'- 'Nah.'
0:43:10 > 0:43:12This car sucks!
0:43:13 > 0:43:14'Here we go.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16'I presume you were flat through there.'
0:43:16 > 0:43:18I love you, come on. I love you!
0:43:20 > 0:43:21'Yes!'
0:43:21 > 0:43:25Just keeping doing it that way, keep doing that for me. Keep doing it that way.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29'That's... I am loving that, that's fantastic!
0:43:29 > 0:43:31'And this one...
0:43:31 > 0:43:35'Nearly got the back wheel off the ground! That's impressive! And there we are!'
0:43:35 > 0:43:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:43 > 0:43:49I'm wondering, will you be the fastest Jamaican we've ever had?
0:43:51 > 0:43:54I'm guessing you will be!
0:43:54 > 0:43:56Well, I've got the time here.
0:43:56 > 0:43:59He's leaning forwards, look!
0:43:59 > 0:44:03What you're supposed to do now is this - "Hell, I'm not bothered!"
0:44:05 > 0:44:07- But you are!- Yeah!
0:44:07 > 0:44:11Usain Bolt, you did it...
0:44:11 > 0:44:17What are we looking at up at the top there? Anything faster than 1:48 is obviously quite good. You did it...
0:44:17 > 0:44:21..1 minute...
0:44:21 > 0:44:24..46.5.
0:44:24 > 0:44:28You are very near the top!
0:44:28 > 0:44:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:44:33 > 0:44:36Well done, mate. Now... A-ha...
0:44:38 > 0:44:42The thing is, how much do you weigh?
0:44:42 > 0:44:44In pounds I weigh 210.
0:44:44 > 0:44:50210lb? Now, the power - the weight, rather - makes a huge difference in that car.
0:44:50 > 0:44:53That's why Lawrence Dallaglio, a rugby player, he was hugely quick,
0:44:53 > 0:44:56but he did a 1:47.4 because he weighs about 17 stone.
0:44:56 > 0:44:59The Stig tells me, if you'd have been a little man,
0:44:59 > 0:45:04Jay Kay-sized, Simon Cowell, you would have been right at the top.
0:45:04 > 0:45:07It's only the weight that's getting you down.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09Get yourself on a diet...!
0:45:09 > 0:45:15We'd love to have you back. Ladies and gentlemen, Usain Bolt!
0:45:13 > 0:45:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:45:25 > 0:45:30Now, as I'm sure you all know, the popular playground game British Bulldogs
0:45:30 > 0:45:35has been banned in most schools because people in safety glasses say it's too dangerous.
0:45:35 > 0:45:39But, children, what if you were to play it with cars?
0:45:39 > 0:45:46Yep. Specifically, could you get five miles from one side of a tank-proving ground in Dorset
0:45:46 > 0:45:52to the other while a team from the British Army tries to stop you?
0:45:53 > 0:45:57'This is the playing field we'd selected.'
0:45:59 > 0:46:01'And this is the car I'd be using.
0:46:01 > 0:46:09'An eight-year-old £8,000 Mitsubishi Evo VII which had been modified by a previous owner.
0:46:09 > 0:46:13'On the downside, he'd removed the airbag.
0:46:13 > 0:46:18'But on the upside, he'd uprated the suspension, toughened the brakes
0:46:18 > 0:46:22'and fitted variable boost control to the engine.'
0:46:26 > 0:46:28I've got the boost turned all the way up,
0:46:28 > 0:46:34so it's producing 500 brake horsepower. 500!
0:46:35 > 0:46:39Top speed is the same as before, it's limited to 155.
0:46:39 > 0:46:40But it now does
0:46:40 > 0:46:45nought to 60 in 3.2 seconds. 3.2!
0:46:50 > 0:46:53Of course, because it was born in the world of
0:46:53 > 0:46:58rallying and has four-wheel drive, it can do this kind of speed
0:46:58 > 0:47:01whether it's on Tarmac, ice, snow, gravel,
0:47:01 > 0:47:04or, indeed, the scrubland of Dorset.
0:47:09 > 0:47:12Here, it just comes alive. Turn it,
0:47:12 > 0:47:15feel the back end step out! Plant the power!
0:47:17 > 0:47:19It's telepathically brilliant.
0:47:19 > 0:47:23'But then it would need to be, because I was going up against this lot.'
0:47:35 > 0:47:38I thought they'd just have a load of crummy Land Rovers
0:47:38 > 0:47:41that would fall over every time they went round a corner.
0:47:41 > 0:47:45'Nevertheless, I was still feeling confident.'
0:47:45 > 0:47:46Do you know what an Evo is?
0:47:46 > 0:47:49Yes. Car, white. Good on the roads.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52But you're going to struggle round here!
0:47:52 > 0:47:54- Rally tyres.- Have you seen ours?
0:47:54 > 0:47:56It's 500 horsepower, this thing.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58Have you got 500 horsepower?
0:47:58 > 0:48:03- 1500.- 1500? I have pencil sharpeners with more than that.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06- When you've bottomed out in that hole over there...- Yeah?
0:48:06 > 0:48:08..and your car's in bits,
0:48:08 > 0:48:10then we'll see who's laughing.
0:48:11 > 0:48:13I love your enthusiasm.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15I like hope. Hope propels a man. Keep that hope
0:48:15 > 0:48:20- until you find me at the finish line, the other side, having made it.- We'll see.
0:48:20 > 0:48:26'The spearhead of their miserable and pointless attack would be the Jackal.
0:48:28 > 0:48:31'Designed in a shed in Devon and now used by even
0:48:31 > 0:48:37'the American special forces, it has a 5.9 litre diesel engine.
0:48:37 > 0:48:40'So it will do 90 miles an hour...
0:48:40 > 0:48:42'..everywhere.
0:48:43 > 0:48:50'It's clever, too. The petrol tank is covered in a skin that forms a new layer over bullet holes.
0:48:50 > 0:48:56'And the undersides are designed to deflect explosions away from the people on top.'
0:48:56 > 0:49:04The idea is that this fast, nimble, go-up-anything vehicle will herd me towards this, the Mastiff,
0:49:04 > 0:49:10which apparently is designed not to look frightening in a war designed to win hearts and minds.
0:49:10 > 0:49:16Whatever. And then, waiting to pounce will be this... which is a Fiat van.
0:49:18 > 0:49:22'The Panther. Even though it's built by the same company that makes the Panda,
0:49:22 > 0:49:27'it costs just shy of half a million pounds.'
0:49:27 > 0:49:32The reason why it's so expensive is that it does come with an awful lot of warning stickers.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36'And a television.'
0:49:36 > 0:49:38Look at this!
0:49:38 > 0:49:42Full 360-degree traverse. Accurate to at least 1,000 metres.
0:49:42 > 0:49:46I've got to get one of these for my car!
0:49:46 > 0:49:51Look at that! That's something you won't be seeing, it would just be, "Boom!" A blur.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53- Anyway, thanks, chaps.- No problem.
0:49:53 > 0:49:56Best of luck with your ice-cream van with a gun on it.
0:49:59 > 0:50:01'This is what scares me the most.
0:50:01 > 0:50:05'It's called the Trojan, and because it's part tank, part bulldozer,
0:50:05 > 0:50:09'it's the king of wherever it damn well wants to go.'
0:50:13 > 0:50:19Now, you're probably thinking this is all very jolly, but how are they actually going to bring me down?
0:50:19 > 0:50:23Strong words? Rude gestures? This is Top Gear -
0:50:23 > 0:50:26we don't mess about. They're going to be using their guns.
0:50:26 > 0:50:30And they won't be firing blanks either. As a measure of my confidence,
0:50:30 > 0:50:32the ammunition they're loading is live.
0:50:39 > 0:50:43Right, active diff on...gravel.
0:50:47 > 0:50:50I've just found a packet of these in the centre console!
0:50:52 > 0:50:58So the previous owner, he liked to be safe in bed, but he disconnected his airbag!
0:51:00 > 0:51:03I hope I haven't been ambitious with this live-fire thing.
0:51:06 > 0:51:11I promised my wife we'd go out for dinner, and that'll be difficult if I'm full of holes.
0:51:13 > 0:51:14Here we go!
0:51:17 > 0:51:23'Right. Five miles to the finish, and I needed to build up an early lead.'
0:51:23 > 0:51:24Agh!
0:51:24 > 0:51:26Oh, sh...!
0:51:27 > 0:51:28That was close.
0:51:31 > 0:51:33Agh!
0:51:33 > 0:51:36There's the reminder I'm not going fast enough!
0:51:40 > 0:51:45Doing 70 miles an hour, and that damn thing is right up my trumpet!
0:51:45 > 0:51:48'But then the Evo girded its loins.'
0:51:48 > 0:51:51Oh, there's the turbo boost!
0:51:51 > 0:51:53Live with this!
0:51:56 > 0:52:00The good thing is, at this speed, he can't fire his gun.
0:52:00 > 0:52:03Not without shooting every rambler in Dorset.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07This is just fantastic.
0:52:07 > 0:52:10Condom man may be a bit peculiar,
0:52:10 > 0:52:14but God, he knew how to set up a car!
0:52:14 > 0:52:16That is a big lead now.
0:52:18 > 0:52:21Come on, come on, come on.
0:52:21 > 0:52:22Oh, my God.
0:52:22 > 0:52:29How am I going to get over that? Hide, hide. When in doubt, go into sleep mode.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36There's one there.
0:52:36 > 0:52:38They can't see me!
0:52:41 > 0:52:43It looks like they've got themselves a Titan.
0:52:43 > 0:52:47Basically, a Challenger tank with the turret removed and the machine on top.
0:52:47 > 0:52:53It can span a 24-metre gorge in 90 seconds.
0:52:53 > 0:52:58So he's building that so they can get from one side of the playing field to the other.
0:53:01 > 0:53:04So he won't be expecting this.
0:53:04 > 0:53:08Here we go! It's a beautiful bridge!
0:53:10 > 0:53:11Go, go, go!
0:53:11 > 0:53:14'I was now halfway to the finish.
0:53:14 > 0:53:16'But they were back on my tail.'
0:53:16 > 0:53:24This is a much more exciting way of playing British Bulldogs. Oh, my God!
0:53:24 > 0:53:27Agh!
0:53:27 > 0:53:31'And on this rough part of the playing field, I couldn't use the boost to pull away.'
0:53:32 > 0:53:36I'm being herded! I'm being herded by a Jackal!
0:53:39 > 0:53:40That's a bad noise!
0:53:41 > 0:53:46Through the trees, hide. The trees are bulletproof, in my mind.
0:53:46 > 0:53:48He's up there! He's got the high ground!
0:53:48 > 0:53:50Oh, God, help!
0:53:51 > 0:53:53Right, time to go.
0:54:01 > 0:54:05'Lady Luck then put a minefield between me and them.'
0:54:08 > 0:54:11SOLDIERS COMMUNICATE VIA RADIO
0:54:11 > 0:54:13One zero now in position, out.
0:54:13 > 0:54:15What are they doing?
0:54:17 > 0:54:22'They were sending in the Trojan to clear the mines.'
0:54:22 > 0:54:24It just goes straight through!
0:54:29 > 0:54:34You see that Jag there? It's the last person to play British Bulldogs with the Army. Poor car.
0:54:43 > 0:54:45Run away, run away!
0:54:51 > 0:54:54I'm starting to think I might not win this.
0:54:56 > 0:54:58Now, wait, wait.
0:55:07 > 0:55:11This is perfect. I'm coming up behind the Trojan.
0:55:13 > 0:55:15Oh!
0:55:17 > 0:55:19What I'm doing now is genius.
0:55:19 > 0:55:22I'm using the Trojan as a shield.
0:55:22 > 0:55:28And even if they do see me, there's nothing they can do about it because the gun is on the other side.
0:55:30 > 0:55:35What's that noise? What are you doing? What are you doing?!
0:55:39 > 0:55:42Stop it, you're spoiling it!
0:55:42 > 0:55:45'Eventually, he did put me down, but the car was a wreck.
0:55:45 > 0:55:48'And that, it seemed, was that.'
0:55:51 > 0:55:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:53 > 0:55:56Lots of hand grenades.
0:56:01 > 0:56:04Woah, woah. Hold on.
0:56:04 > 0:56:10- You lost.- That's because I was up against this lot and a 60-ton tank. You were up against a letter.
0:56:10 > 0:56:11LAUGHTER
0:56:11 > 0:56:13- Can I just ask about the car?- Yeah.
0:56:13 > 0:56:17- It was ruined.- Yes, it was, but there's a very good reason for that.
0:56:17 > 0:56:21You see, the thing is, that car used to belong to a drug dealer.
0:56:21 > 0:56:26And the judge who banged him up said his car had to be destroyed, OK?
0:56:26 > 0:56:29And I thought, rather than let the police put it in a crusher,
0:56:29 > 0:56:33why don't I give it a heroic fighting chance?
0:56:33 > 0:56:37- So the bloke who used to own that car...- Yeah, condom man.- Yeah, him.
0:56:37 > 0:56:43He was watching that, probably in his prison cell, on the telly, thinking, "That's my car!"
0:56:43 > 0:56:46- Yep. And it gets worse. - How can it get worse?
0:56:46 > 0:56:48Because it was only damaged.
0:56:48 > 0:56:51There's one and a half miles still to go.
0:56:51 > 0:56:53The game's still on!
0:56:59 > 0:57:05Not brilliant, if I'm honest. Quite dusty, a lot of pollen. A lot of pollen.
0:57:13 > 0:57:15Come on! Now I'm no longer bulletproof!
0:57:18 > 0:57:20Come on, come on!
0:57:34 > 0:57:37Charlie, Charlie, one plus, to your front, white Evo,
0:57:37 > 0:57:39600 metres, rapid fire.
0:57:43 > 0:57:46They're shooting again! They're shooting hard now!
0:57:46 > 0:57:51I'm taking hits! I'm taking a lot of hits!
0:57:53 > 0:57:55Oh, my God.
0:57:55 > 0:57:59Stop shooting! Stop it!
0:57:59 > 0:58:00'But they didn't.'
0:58:02 > 0:58:05'And soon, they'd taken out the engine and the on-board camera.'
0:58:11 > 0:58:13You've set fire to Dorset with your tracers!
0:58:13 > 0:58:15Stop it!
0:58:17 > 0:58:21'Then their tracer rounds set fire to the car as well.'
0:58:23 > 0:58:25We'll call it a draw!
0:58:25 > 0:58:27'They seemed happy with that.
0:58:27 > 0:58:32'Unlike, I suspect, the man whose car it, er, was.'
0:58:35 > 0:58:36APPLAUSE
0:58:36 > 0:58:38At least it works!
0:58:38 > 0:58:40That could catch on.
0:58:40 > 0:58:44- Headmasters everywhere... - Playgrounds all over the country.
0:58:44 > 0:58:46That's all you need.
0:58:46 > 0:58:49You really weren't joking. These are real bullets.
0:58:49 > 0:58:52- Oh, yeah.- Hundreds of them. - I said it was live fire.
0:58:52 > 0:58:54- And they all missed you!- Yes!
0:58:54 > 0:58:59- Is this a 50 cal exit wound here? - Where?- Here.
0:58:59 > 0:59:02Oh, yes. That one - we've worked it out - it went in here, OK?
0:59:02 > 0:59:05It went through the chassis, through the petrol tank - I'm not joking -
0:59:05 > 0:59:10it went out there, then it went all the way across Dorset, Devon, Cornwall,
0:59:10 > 0:59:13and do you remember that postbox in the Scilly Isles?
0:59:13 > 0:59:17It actually hit that. You know the 50 cal?
0:59:17 > 0:59:20This is the air-conditioning matrix we rescued from the burning wreck.
0:59:20 > 0:59:22This is a normal bullet hole.
0:59:22 > 0:59:24That is a 50 cal bullet hole.
0:59:24 > 0:59:28- Do you know what?- What?- I find this a little bit depressing.
0:59:28 > 0:59:32Because it was the bloke who dealt drugs - it wasn't his car, was it?
0:59:32 > 0:59:34I know what you mean. But it is going to catch on.
0:59:34 > 0:59:39I'm afraid next week we are going to find a benefit cheat and fling his microwave off Beachy Head.
0:59:39 > 0:59:41- Yeah. We are the enforcers!- We are!
0:59:41 > 0:59:45And on that bombshell, it's time to end. Good night, see you soon!
0:59:49 > 0:59:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:59:51 > 0:59:53E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk