0:00:11 > 0:00:14Tonight, we save the entire world.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18We test a fat spaniel from Jaguar.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21And we annoy France's second-best racing driver.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Thank you!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hello, hello, everybody.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Hello and welcome.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Now.
0:00:37 > 0:00:44All keen drivers will tell you that front-wheel drive modern cars are for the weak.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49And that if you're at all serious about your driving, you have to have a car with rear-wheel drive.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51And we agree with them, even James May.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53But our producers disagree.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55They think we're talking claptrap.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59So, to try and prove their point, they gave each of us £1,500,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02told us to buy a rear-wheel drive car with it,
0:01:02 > 0:01:03and then go to Calais,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06where we would be given a number of stab wounds.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09No, not stab wounds...hats.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10No, what's the word?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- CALL FROM THE CROWD Sausages!- Not sausages!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Challenges! Yes, that!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Mmm, Calais.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Beautiful.
0:01:30 > 0:01:36But it has been enlivened this morning by the arrival of this magnificent Porsche 944.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39And this is the S2 model, the last and the best.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Three-litre engine, at the front, rear-wheel drive,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45and the gear box is at the back as well.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Now, that does mean the, um...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49..the boot floor is a bit shallow.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54But really, that's a small price to pay, frankly,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57for engineering balance, engineering perfection.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01It is remarkable that you can buy a car as good as this,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03for £1,500.
0:02:04 > 0:02:12And equally remarkable that someone should spend £1,500 on what can only be described as a Datsun.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- A-ha!- That's utterly hideous.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It is. Now, let me just talk you through.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Nissan 300 ZX.
0:02:18 > 0:02:24Headlines, technical stuff. Three litre V6, four-wheel steer, twin turbo.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I bet you Paul Raymond had a Nissan 300 ZX.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- It's a pornographer's car, isn't it? - It is a pornographer's car.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31And then, the 1980s arrived.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35MUSIC: Theme to "Minder"
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Oh, Lord!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40We're on the set of Minder! Terry McCann is here!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42All right, Tel?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I wanna see claret on the pavement!
0:02:44 > 0:02:49The Capri 2.8 injection. The last hurrah of the common man's coupe.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- I love these things.- It's fantastic. - It's terrible.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- Seriously?- It's hateful.
0:02:53 > 0:03:00All I would say is, BMW 635, 323, 325, I saw all of these for £1,500.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Yeah, I know.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03But didn't you always want a Capri?
0:03:03 > 0:03:09Yes, but the producers aren't going to say, "The winner is the one who always wanted their car most."
0:03:09 > 0:03:14'Hammond and I then discovered an interesting feature on Jeremy's Porsche.'
0:03:14 > 0:03:16RICHARD AND JAMES: One, two, three...
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Yay! Oh, sorry! Did I hit you?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22You actually hit him in the plums!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24He does that, he actually goes for them.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27When I was mended, we were given a challenge.
0:03:27 > 0:03:34- Right. You will now drive your £1,500 rear-wheel drive cars to a racetrack!- Yes!
0:03:36 > 0:03:41- It's called Circuit de Lac...- Circuit de something or other.- The only drawback is, it's 500 miles away.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- A Nissan.- 500 miles, that's just...I'm there.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48I'm not entirely confident about that, if I'm being brutally honest.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Our convoy hit the autoroute for the long drive south.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03This car has done 201,000 miles.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06That's very nearly Earth to the moon.
0:04:06 > 0:04:12And it feels...like it's done 201,000 miles.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16My window switches have come out,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20my boot release has come out, sunroof is broken, rear wiper is broken.
0:04:21 > 0:04:27There were, however, no quality issues at all in Paul Raymond's car.
0:04:27 > 0:04:33So it's done an indicated 103,000 miles. And do you know what? It feels as tight as a drum.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Everything is electric and everything works.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40Air-con, cruise control, controls on the steering wheel. Nothing had that back then!
0:04:44 > 0:04:5154.9 miles into our 500-mile odyssey, and some of the gauges have starting working.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Soon, the producers told us to pull in at a rest area,
0:04:57 > 0:04:59where, weirdly, we were given another challenge.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02We're going to a racetrack, we know that.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Should one of your cars not make it to the destination...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07That'll be you.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11..the producers have provided a back-up car that also has rear-wheel drive.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- That'll be all right, then. - That's very generous.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16That's... I have wondered.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18It's not that, is it?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19'It was.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23'And for us, Morris Marinas spell trouble.'
0:05:23 > 0:05:28I should explain, viewers, we've had a few run-ins with the Morris Marina Owners Club over the years.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29We keep breaking them.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Not out fault.- The last one really wasn't our fault, a piano just fell on it.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34It rains pianos at our track.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37So, is that thing gonna follow us in the usual... It is, isn't it?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41It did follow us, waiting to pounce.
0:05:41 > 0:05:48But, for hour after hour, our three cars - even the Capri - ran without a single problem.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50What we should have said at the start of the programme is,
0:05:50 > 0:05:57"Tonight, three middle-aged men drive reliable cars across France without incident."
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Of course, as night fell, our luck ran out.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Are you saying that the rear lights don't work?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Well, I'm not blinded by it. Look.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Only that one's not working.- When you're driving there's nothing.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16'Normally, this would put the world's least practical man in the Marina.'
0:06:16 > 0:06:22'But, for the first time in his life, he decided to try and fix something.'
0:06:22 > 0:06:26If I mend this, you lot are going to have to stand back in amazement.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- The thing is, he's actually, genuinely changed a bulb. - He's done it.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31I mended something!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- I mended it!- You changed a bulb.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Well, it's never happened before.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41This opened the floodgates.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's like losing your virginity.
0:06:43 > 0:06:49There's a sense that I've unlocked a treasure chest of possibilities. I want to mend lots of things, now.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54'That night, at the hotel, "Jez'll Fix It" went berserk.'
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Here we go.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Look at that! My boot release switch is now back in.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I would never have attempted this before, but now I can.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Well, it gives us some time on our own, which is nice.
0:07:14 > 0:07:21Hang on, where was it? Ha-ha! Electric window switches are now back in.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Oh, no, wait a minute. The sun-roof. I could just fix that, couldn't I?
0:07:28 > 0:07:34The next morning, my show-room fresh Porsche led our little convoy on to the race track.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- It's not a bad looking track. - It looks great.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Bit nippy.- I look forward to giving it a... Oh, here we go.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41"You are in France." Yes.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45"The country that practically invented front-wheel drive, and have stuck with it."
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Yeah, they have.
0:07:46 > 0:07:53"And so, the Stig will now set a lap time in a very French and very front-wheel drive Renault Twingo 133.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- I thought France made the Stig violent. - Evidently not, he looks calm.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01All you have to do is beat his time. You get one point for every second you are faster than him,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04a point lost for every second you are slower.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08How can a Porsche 944 S2 be slower than a Renault Twingo?
0:08:08 > 0:08:13- I've got a three-litre, twin-turbo V6. I know, Stig's good... - Why are you looking like that?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I've driven one of those, they're really fast.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- It's a shopping car.- Relax!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Go!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29He'll have torque steer, he'll have under-steer.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- We're gonna have the tail drifting out nicely. - Elegant, sweeping drift.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39'Despite the front drive Renault, the Stig was very quick.'
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Finish.
0:08:42 > 0:08:441:32:31.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Who's going first?- Baggy not me. - Baggy not me.- Baggy not me.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- That's too late.- Aww!
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Go!
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- Was that the crummiest start you've ever seen from a human being? - It wasn't good.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03There is one quite important thing, I have no idea of the way around this circuit.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08It's the fast and the furious, this. Very furious, I should imagine, knowing Hammond.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- Oh, for God's sake, where's the- BLEEP- apex?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15'Soon, though, I was in the groove.'
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Oh, you can see already, she's drifting round. Yes!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22'And then, soon, I was out of it again.'
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Oh, he'll be clenching in there, now!
0:09:30 > 0:09:31I meant that!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34'With Hammond out, it was my turn.'
0:09:37 > 0:09:39That didn't go as well as I'd hoped.
0:09:40 > 0:09:46'Soon, though, I was revelling in the 944's rear-drive balance.'
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Here we go, you see? Front wheels do the steering, I then plant the power at the back.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Oooh!- Oops...
0:09:54 > 0:10:00You're just feeling the perfect weight. It's all just absolutely magnificent.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I may have missed the apex quite a lot there, but...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Here we go.- Come on, Porsche!
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Confident.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17RICHARD CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- Now, the Stig, 1:32.- Yeah.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Jeremy Clarkson.- One thirty...
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Yeah, I made a bit of a mess of it, - Yeah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30But it's OK! Because everything now hangs on James!
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- How can the world of rear-wheel drive now hang... - On James May in an old Capri?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40I want you to win this for the prog-rock generation.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- So I should think King Crimson, Pink Floyd...- Yes...Genesis.
0:10:44 > 0:10:51Unfortunately, like prog-rock, James's lap is gonna last 48 minutes and make no sense to anyone.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54GO!
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Here we go.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I don't know if I've ever mentioned this. James isn't a fast driver.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- Come on, come on!- Come on for the honour of rear-wheel drive!
0:11:16 > 0:11:17That's gotta be good.
0:11:17 > 0:11:191:32 to beat.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- 1:48.- What?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24But I was going like hell!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27'Following our terrible failure,
0:11:27 > 0:11:31'the Stig broke out his portable, rear-drive drifting car,
0:11:31 > 0:11:35'to show the front-wheel drive generation what they're missing.'
0:11:42 > 0:11:45'And because we are all eight years old,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47'we thought we'd have a go.'
0:11:47 > 0:11:50'But there was a hitch.'
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Hammond. Is there any steam coming from your car?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- None whatsoever, no, no, yours? - There's none coming from mine.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57However, there's quite a...
0:11:57 > 0:12:01How are you going to be able to drift when you can't see where you're going?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03It'll blow off when I'm going along.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Have you got any tea bags?
0:12:04 > 0:12:09It's harmless. This is what happens when you push a car to the ragged edge.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Which you haven't done.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14'Sadly, by the time Terry McCann's kettle had cooled down,
0:12:14 > 0:12:18'the producers were ready with their next challenge.'
0:12:22 > 0:12:23What are those things?
0:12:23 > 0:12:29Well, I'll tell you one thing. The middle one is exactly the same colour as my bike.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- That one...- Yes, my Christmas present bike.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36That's funny, because the thing on the right looks suspiciously like my drum kit.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Well, that's what I was thinking, it looks like my piano.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41It can't be, because we smashed that to bits.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Exactly.- But I bought another one.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47I don't imagine it's coincidence, and it's there. This is...
0:12:47 > 0:12:52Here we go. "You will accelerate from nought to 60 miles per hour and then brake.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54"All within 200 metres."
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I know what they're there for.
0:12:56 > 0:13:02"If you fail to pull up, you will not only lose points, but something dear to your heart as well."
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Pianos are really heavy.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- You're gonna crash into your piano in about a minute. - This is a stupid idea.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Airbag, no.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15I'm wearing a crash helmet to protect me from my own motorcycle coming through the windscreen.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Traction control, no.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18I've really gotta get on the brakes with this.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Anti-lock brakes. Don't know.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Remember to brake at 60, remember to brake at 60, you stupid boy.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Yes, it's a good start.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Come on, brake. - Good change into second.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- 40.- No!
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Come on, car!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- 60...- 60, now!
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Cock!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52That didn't look good for James.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Look at your Capri.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Never mind the sodding Capri, look at that!
0:13:56 > 0:14:00I think, this... You could get these in order...
0:14:00 > 0:14:01- I'm sorry, mate.- I'm really sorry.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03You're not sorry!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05'Then, for James, things got worse.'
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Is this normal?
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Of course it's not bloody normal.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Look at it this way - no more challenges.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13- Good.- Oh.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Apart from that one.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16What now?
0:14:16 > 0:14:21"So far, real-wheel drive has not been relevant in any way."
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Steady on!
0:14:23 > 0:14:28"So you will now drive to Val Thorens in the Alps, to see if some use can be found for it there."
0:14:28 > 0:14:30What's Val Thorens?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Well, it's a skiing resort. I've been there.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Is it far?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36115 miles.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- With bits of piano sticking out the front.- That's a long way.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44- Don't need that. - Oh, yeah, good luck to you. - There's nothing wrong with the car.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- It's got a dent in it, that's all. - Come on,
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Val Thorens.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56He just drove over this.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03APPLAUSE
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- That's from back in the days when Porsche could style cars. - It was a good-looking car.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11It was. We'll pick up on that later,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14because now we're going to do the news.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Yes, yes. And the people who have collaborated with Google on their Smartphone
0:15:18 > 0:15:19have turned their attention to cars.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24They've researched motoring and come to a conclusion. Their conclusion is this, and I can quote -
0:15:24 > 0:15:28they say, that humans are not meant to drive.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30LAUGHTER
0:15:30 > 0:15:34We're not meant to use ovens, either, or wear shoes, but that's just ridiculous.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37That's the conclusion they've come to, and they've come up with this!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39It's called the Autonomobile.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I can tell you like it, I can tell that.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47You'll notice there's no steering wheel or brakes or any controls at all for you to operate.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50It's the Autonomobile, it does it itself, you see?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Yes, it's very clever. You get in it, you tell it where you want to go, and then it says -
0:15:54 > 0:15:56and I'm gonna make sure I get this right -
0:15:56 > 0:16:02they say you "sit back, enjoy the view with a nice wine, cheese and a baguette."
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Oh, lovely.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04How lovely.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I think this is a brilliant idea. I genuinely like the idea of sitting back with a glass of wine,
0:16:08 > 0:16:09some cheese, and going home.
0:16:09 > 0:16:14However, there is one problem with a sort of laser-guided, radar-guided, satellite-guided car.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17This has been invented by a brilliant man.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21But, five years down the line, it's going to be bought by someone called Keith.
0:16:21 > 0:16:27Keith is going to wake up one day and think he can service it himself.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Yes.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Which means you wont be able to relax in your Autonomobile.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Because you'll be thinking,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"I know that somebody called Keith,
0:16:36 > 0:16:40"reading the Daily Star and watching EastEnders is coming the other way."
0:16:40 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER
0:16:42 > 0:16:45And there's going to be a horrible accident.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- It's all rubbish.- What?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Cars that drive themselves were invented ages ago. They're called taxis.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53LAUGHTER
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Right, now, news from India.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00There's a company over there, car company, Tata, they've got a large car division.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Got a new car out, here it is.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04It's the Jaguar XJ.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06It's quite striking to look at.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10The interior is gorgeous as well. It looks fabulous, look at that!
0:17:10 > 0:17:14It costs £50,000 to £90,000, depending on the model,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16there's a direct injection V8,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19two new diesels, with 271 and I think...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- 270...- 271...
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Nobody gives a pig's arse about all that diesel stuff.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30It's a new XJ, the important question is, "Is it a proper Jag?"
0:17:30 > 0:17:33What you mean is, is this car slightly caddish?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35That's what you mean.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Yes.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Is the person who drives it... Oh, what's the word, I'm not quite sure
0:17:39 > 0:17:44how to sum it up, but they're the sort of person who'd go away for the weekend with his wife to a hotel,
0:17:44 > 0:17:48some romantic place, and spend the entire night flirting outrageously with the waitress.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52And it's OK because he's got a Jag.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53LAUGHTER
0:17:53 > 0:17:56You can get away with anything!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58"I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog." "Oh!"
0:17:58 > 0:17:59"In my Jag."
0:17:59 > 0:18:01"Never mind."
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Is it fair to say, do you think, that no Jag driver is ever entirely trustworthy,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08but it's in a really nice, likeable way?
0:18:08 > 0:18:13Because if you went to a prison - forget the stabbists and the stranglers,
0:18:13 > 0:18:18the ones that are in there for a bit of tax-dodging - I bet 80% have got Jags.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19You know what I mean, don't you?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Have you got a Jag?
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Who here's got a Jag?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You've got a Jag? Look at him!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29He goes away with a girl for the weekend and then goes,
0:18:29 > 0:18:30"Awfully sorry."
0:18:30 > 0:18:35- "Bit of an issue with the wallet." - "Do you mind awfully settling this while I go warm up the Jag?"
0:18:35 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:40The thing is, I think that is just a brilliant, brilliant piece of design, because
0:18:40 > 0:18:43it's a Jag. But it's kind of modern.
0:18:43 > 0:18:49That's an absolutely fantastic-looking car, that. Can't wait to have a go in it.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Now. Bad news.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53It's about this, the Honda FRV it's called.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56It's a six-seater car, it had three seats in the front,
0:18:56 > 0:19:02three in the back. Well, Honda say it's been such an enormous success, they're dropping it.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05The problem with this car is with the picture they sent us,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08which is when the car came out a few years ago.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Nobody wants to drive around with a small girl's severed head on the dash.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16The worst thing about this was that when it came out, we all got suckered into it and thought,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20"Three in the front, three in the back, it makes sense," but it doesn't.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22If you think, I've got two daughters,
0:19:22 > 0:19:26so if I have one girl in the front between me and my wife, that leaves one girl on her own!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29You're just gonna have an argument every time you go near it!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- Exactly.- It's not gonna work. - That's not the worst bit.
0:19:31 > 0:19:38It could be worse if you had your wife in the front, and both daughters, and you sat in the back.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- Oh...- But you do see that occasionally.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43The mother in the front and a bloke in the back.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- It's tragic.- There's nothing more pathetic.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48It's the most pitiable sight you can see.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- She's effectively saying, "You've given me the baby, now get in the back."- Yeah.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57No.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06That concludes the news, OK?
0:20:09 > 0:20:13That concludes the news, and now, if you don't mind, I want to talk about the BMW M5.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17You see, what we have here are two cars.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21One of them is a spacious, practical four-door saloon.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24The other is a blistering, growling monster.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29For 24 years, this has been the ultimate sports saloon.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33But now, there is a new Jag.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41The new XFR doesn't look much like a blistering, growling monster.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44There are no bulges in its flanks.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46There are no scoops.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49There's no Cheshire-ishness at all.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52It looks like it might even be a diesel.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56It's the same story on the inside.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Sitting in an M5 is like actually sitting in a laptop.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05It couldn't be more geeky, even if the sat-nav voice was Buffy.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10In the Jag, though, all I've got is a steering wheel and some pedals.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12It even has an automatic gearbox.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Don't be fooled by the plain-Jane simplicity, though.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25Because the speed of this thing is simply unbelievable.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35Right. That is nought to 60 in four and a half seconds, and look at it.
0:21:35 > 0:21:3880...90...100...
0:21:38 > 0:21:44110...115...it's supposed to be limited to 155, but, look!
0:21:44 > 0:21:48165 and it's still accelerating!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52That's unbelievable!
0:21:54 > 0:21:55What's it limited by?
0:21:55 > 0:22:01"If you don't stick to 155, I shall jolly well write to the Daily Telegraph about it."
0:22:03 > 0:22:11'The key to this rampant savagery is an all-new, all-Welsh supercharged five-litre V8 engine.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15'There's no other word. It's fantastic.
0:22:15 > 0:22:23'And there's more good news. At £60,000, the Jag is noticeably cheaper than an M5.
0:22:23 > 0:22:29'It's also quieter and it's way more comfortable.'
0:22:29 > 0:22:32It is uncannily comfortable.
0:22:32 > 0:22:38It's so soft and so absorbent, it's like sitting on a fat dog.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44You can't really believe it'll go round a corner at all, leave alone like this.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I'm doing that wearing brogues!
0:22:54 > 0:23:00'To keep it planted, it has an electronic diff like you get on a Ferrari
0:23:00 > 0:23:04'and suspension that adjusts itself hundreds of times a second.'
0:23:04 > 0:23:09You can be just inch-perfect, even when you're driving like a complete lunatic.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Whoa! Ha-ha!
0:23:19 > 0:23:20So easy!
0:23:26 > 0:23:31So, this is two cars as well. It's amazingly comfortable and quiet
0:23:31 > 0:23:34when you're not in the mood for fun and games,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37and it's savagely fast when you are.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42But, can it really be as fast as an M5?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Let's find out.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Both cars produce as near as makes no difference, 500 horse-power.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54And both weigh about the same.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03There are some differences, of course.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08He can rev to 8,000, I can only rev to six and a half.
0:24:09 > 0:24:16He's got ten cylinders, I've only got eight. He's got seven speeds in his gear box, I've only got six.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23BUT I have 80 more torques than him. 80!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30I've got so much torque, I could tear a hole in TIME!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Yes, he's got better brakes, but coming out of the corner,
0:24:38 > 0:24:42I'm gonna unleash my meteorite of torque, here we go!
0:24:52 > 0:24:56This is getting hot, hard and dangerous now. I need to stay cool.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59There's the air-con.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I'm not for a moment going to suggest that this is better than an M5.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25But it's as good as. And praise doesn't get higher than that.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Boot full of stolen videos.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45So, right, on the track, the Jag is as good as the BMW.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47..Nearly.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48On the road?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Honestly, I think on the road it's better.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Tell you what we'll do now, we'll put some maths into the mix.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Because we'll find out how fast it goes round our track,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59and that means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
0:25:59 > 0:26:05Some say he has 12 GCSEs, all in domestic science.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:11And that he's been producing artificial sperm for years.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17All we know is he's called the Stig.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23And he's off! 503 Welsh horsepowers
0:26:23 > 0:26:25charging him down to the first corner.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29This is still a two-ton car, so let's see how it battles the laws of physics here.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Looking nice so far.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34And a lovely little slide on the way out.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS ON THE RADIO
0:26:39 > 0:26:41The sound of bits, there, being served in a stomach lining.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Chicago.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47There goes the tail again, this thing really is a leathery drift machine.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48As he comes into the Hammerhead.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52The Jag's clever diff runs in open mode when you don't need limited slip...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54That doesn't eliminate under-steer.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Fortunately, Stig does with a boot full of supercharged goodness!
0:26:58 > 0:27:03BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS ON THE RADIO
0:27:03 > 0:27:08Terrible smell of oats all of a sudden. There he is through the follow-through.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Punishing its tyres, but hanging on well. That was fast.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Here he goes, second to last corner.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17More oversteer, and up to Gambon, wonder what will happen here.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Yep, there goes the tail again. And across the line!
0:27:20 > 0:27:25APPLAUSE
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Now...
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Here we are, look. BMW M5...
0:27:31 > 0:27:341:26:2.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Now, I expected the Jag to be a little bit slower than that.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40And it was.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Unfortunately, just half a second in it. But, look at it this way,
0:27:43 > 0:27:50if you have an XFR, "Do you know, I've lost my wallet!" You never have to pay for anything.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Now, normally, that would be that.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55However, these days, as I'm sure you know,
0:27:55 > 0:27:59the amount of tax you pay on a car depends on how much carbon dioxide it produces.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Yeah, and according to official figures,
0:28:02 > 0:28:06the XFR produces 292 carbon dioxides per kilometre,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10which is very impressive. No other car of its type gets even close to that.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14But, predictably, Jeremy thought he could do better.
0:28:16 > 0:28:22As we know, plants absorb carbon dioxide, and then breathe out oxygen.
0:28:22 > 0:28:28So why not put plants in the exhaust system of your car?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Impossible?
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Well, Alan Titchmarsh might say so,
0:28:33 > 0:28:35but, er, what does HE know?
0:28:38 > 0:28:41What we have here is a Range Rover,
0:28:41 > 0:28:45which now has the same 5-litre V8 that you get in the Jag.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48At the back, we have tubes which takes the exhaust gases
0:28:48 > 0:28:53into this greenhouse, which is full of plants - tomato plants, on this occasion.
0:28:53 > 0:29:00And that means the tailpipes emit no greenhouse gases at all.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02What you're looking at here, ladies and gentlemen,
0:29:02 > 0:29:05is the future.
0:29:10 > 0:29:15It really is impossible to overemphasise the importance
0:29:15 > 0:29:18of what has been achieved here today.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Look at what I'm driving.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24A big, heavy, thirsty four-wheel drive car,
0:29:24 > 0:29:28and the only waste product is some juicy tomatoes!
0:29:35 > 0:29:36GLASS SMASHES
0:29:36 > 0:29:40You thought Greenpeace would save the world, but no!
0:29:42 > 0:29:44It's Top Gear! We've done it!
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Where's it gone?
0:29:56 > 0:29:58APPLAUSE
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Why are they applauding?!
0:30:01 > 0:30:04- Well done(!)- I know there was a bit of glass on the runway.
0:30:04 > 0:30:08Yeah, brilliant. Brilliant. Top Gear WOULD have saved the planet,
0:30:08 > 0:30:13- except you smashed your greenhouse to bits.- I admit, it didn't go brilliantly.- But you also said
0:30:13 > 0:30:17- that you weren't giving out any greenhouse emissions at all.- Yes.
0:30:17 > 0:30:21- That's rubbish cos you only had 100 tomato plants.- How many tomato plants do you need
0:30:21 > 0:30:24to get rid of the emissions from a Range Rover?
0:30:24 > 0:30:26- 400,000. - LAUGHTER
0:30:26 > 0:30:29- Seriously?- And we've worked this out. To accommodate that many,
0:30:29 > 0:30:32your greenhouse would have to be six miles long.
0:30:32 > 0:30:36- I can tell why you two aren't astronauts.- Eh?
0:30:36 > 0:30:40Who here has seen Apollo 13? Yeah? You know what I'm on about.
0:30:40 > 0:30:45That bit when Houston telephones the astronauts in the spacecraft
0:30:45 > 0:30:50because carbon dioxide is building up and they need to build something to get rid of it. Remember?
0:30:50 > 0:30:54Yes? Good. These two would go, "We're a bit cold and frightened!"
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Whereas I am Commander Jim Lovell.
0:30:57 > 0:31:01I didn't give up after my greenhouse failure.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05I came back, rolled up my sleeves and came up with another idea.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09- Oh, God! - If you fire up the Jag, right?
0:31:09 > 0:31:13- ENGINE STARTS - What we've got is a gas-o-meter.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16And its prong is up that exhaust. What it's telling me
0:31:16 > 0:31:20is that 15% of the gas
0:31:20 > 0:31:22coming out of this exhaust pipe
0:31:22 > 0:31:25is carbon dioxide. Come here and verify that for me.
0:31:25 > 0:31:29- It's actually 14.5%, yes? - OK, yeah.- Yeah.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32Right. Take the prong out
0:31:32 > 0:31:36because, on this side, on THIS tailpipe, I've modified it.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40Got tubes feeding into this Apollo 13 homemade filter...
0:31:40 > 0:31:45- LAUGHTER - ..which is full of lime soda crystals,
0:31:45 > 0:31:50which are used to absorb the carbon dioxide in those huge Australian mines, OK?
0:31:50 > 0:31:53We're gonna pop the prong in the top because the gas is going down there,
0:31:53 > 0:31:57through the crystals, out of here. Let's have a look
0:31:57 > 0:32:00at how much carbon dioxide THAT'S producing...
0:32:00 > 0:32:03- It's none.- What, nothing?! NONE?!
0:32:03 > 0:32:09Absolutely NO carbon dioxide is coming out of that car.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Wow! APPLAUSE
0:32:17 > 0:32:21Now, I know we have a reputation on Top Gear for cocking about, OK?
0:32:21 > 0:32:23But on this occasion, we aren't.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26This is not a Toyota Prius or a stupid G-Wiz,
0:32:26 > 0:32:29it's got a 5 litre, supercharged V8,
0:32:29 > 0:32:32and all that's coming out of this tailpipe
0:32:32 > 0:32:35is nitrogen and oxygen, which is...?
0:32:35 > 0:32:38- Air.- Hang on a sec.- What? - These little rocks of yours.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42- Yes.- They absorb carbon dioxide? - They absorb it, yes.
0:32:42 > 0:32:46So, how far can you go before they get all clogged up and can't absorb any more?
0:32:46 > 0:32:47On a motorway...
0:32:47 > 0:32:50- six miles. - LAUGHTER
0:32:50 > 0:32:54- With something that size.- How much does it cost for a new box of rocks?
0:32:54 > 0:32:56- £75.- Oh, God!
0:32:56 > 0:32:59I know. Barnes Wallis had setbacks,
0:32:59 > 0:33:04but he persevered, and I'm sure, if science can make genetically-modified wheat,
0:33:04 > 0:33:07they can make those absorb more. I really do think
0:33:07 > 0:33:09that we're onto something here.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12- Shall I go and work on it? - Yes, go and work on it
0:33:12 > 0:33:17because it is now time to put a star...in our reasonably priced car.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20We're often criticised by politicians and newspapers
0:33:20 > 0:33:23for being sexist on this programme.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Well, tonight we answer those critics because my guest is a girl.
0:33:26 > 0:33:30And a dead fit one! Ladies and gentlemen, Sienna Miller!
0:33:30 > 0:33:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:33:33 > 0:33:35Hello!
0:33:35 > 0:33:39- How are you?- I'm good.- Have a seat.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43I like that - "Yeah!"
0:33:43 > 0:33:45This is momentous stuff.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Even as we speak, James May is out the back
0:33:48 > 0:33:51looking up in his dictionary what "girl" means.
0:33:51 > 0:33:57Yes, he is. Now, you weren't actually born to be in theatre, you were born...
0:33:57 > 0:34:03- IN a theatre.- Literally?- Literally. Mum went into labour in the Nutcracker Suite in New York,
0:34:03 > 0:34:06and stayed, throughout the labour, to finish the show.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10- So you were born in... That makes you an Americanista.- Well, both.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13My mum's English, my dad's American, so I have two passports.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16- You went to boarding school in England.- I did.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18I heard that while you were there...
0:34:18 > 0:34:22- Oh, God.- How can I put this? You got into trouble for doing things with a rabbit.
0:34:22 > 0:34:27Oh, my sweet Lord! I did not do anything personally with a rabbit,
0:34:27 > 0:34:32I got another rabbit to do something to another rabbit to get baby rabbits. And it worked!
0:34:32 > 0:34:36- They really do do it like rabbits! - Fair enough.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40- So you went into films, obviously. - Yes.- Having been born in theatre.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Most of them, let's be honest, have been quite brainy, quite Channel 4.
0:34:43 > 0:34:48- To you, boring - just say it. - No, I liked Layer Cake, that bit...
0:34:48 > 0:34:51- Oh, God! Yeah.- You remember the bit in Layer Cake?
0:34:51 > 0:34:52AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:34:52 > 0:34:57That was a long time ago, it's all gone tits up since then - or tits down!
0:34:57 > 0:35:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:00 > 0:35:02I can't believe I just said that!
0:35:02 > 0:35:04- You see...- Oh, God.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08- You say that, but your new film, which is called GI...- GI Joe.
0:35:08 > 0:35:13- GI Joe. That's not sort of cerebral at all.- No.- Everything blows up.
0:35:13 > 0:35:17- Lots of guns, leather. It's perfect for Top Gear.- Leather?- Yes.
0:35:17 > 0:35:18Really?
0:35:20 > 0:35:25- Let's get this straight. This is GI Joe, who's the American equivalent of the Action Man toy.- Yeah.
0:35:25 > 0:35:32Well, he's not called Joe, Joe is an elite force of fighter... world protector people.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35- But I'm on the bad camp, the Cobra camp.- Oh, you're a baddie?- I am.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- I understand there's a record set with it, with cars?- We blew up
0:35:38 > 0:35:42112 cars, destroyed 112 cars, which is a record.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44- The Blues Brothers held it before. - Yeah.- So, 112?- Yes.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46But you're still some way behind us.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50- Probably quite far behind you! - 112 every 20 minutes. - I've added one to that today,
0:35:50 > 0:35:53- I think, with my lap. - We'll find that out later.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57Before that, though, I want to talk about fashion magazines.
0:35:57 > 0:36:02- They always talk about the Sienna look. We should look at what you're wearing now.- It's not very exciting!
0:36:02 > 0:36:05I should've brought another T-shirt for after my lap, it's quite sweaty.
0:36:05 > 0:36:10- Have you not changed since...?- No! I didn't realise it would be that scary! It was soaking wet!
0:36:10 > 0:36:13- Pop it off if you want to. - LAUGHTER
0:36:13 > 0:36:15I say the same to the male guests.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18I mean, you are a trendsetter.
0:36:18 > 0:36:23I suppose the problem is, it does make you a massive paparazzi target.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25But I sued them all, and won!
0:36:25 > 0:36:29I was the first to sue and win on harassment, so now they can't do anything. I saw two of them
0:36:29 > 0:36:33the other day, and I ran. They were like, "We can't." And I was like...
0:36:34 > 0:36:36I flashed them! It was the best feeling!
0:36:36 > 0:36:40- That's fantastic! - APPLAUSE
0:36:40 > 0:36:41Yeah!
0:36:41 > 0:36:47We need to talk about your driving test because I'm confused. You recently took your driving test.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50- I passed my driving test last week. - Just last week?!- Five days ago!
0:36:50 > 0:36:53- APPLAUSE - Thank you!- Five days?!
0:36:53 > 0:36:55Five days.
0:36:57 > 0:37:01Now, I'm very baffled because you've been driving for years.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05No, I haven't! I found a loophole.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08- Which is?- My father lives in the US Virgin Islands,
0:37:08 > 0:37:12which is a Caribbean island, which is technically part of America.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16So I got a licence there that meant I could drive in America and England
0:37:16 > 0:37:21for a year, as an American. It was an interesting driving test, for sure.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23I had to drive down the street and back.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27- And that's the test? - Window down, he had the reggae on!
0:37:27 > 0:37:31- That's the test in the Virgin Islands!- Exactly!- There's a top tip
0:37:31 > 0:37:37- for anybody finding it a struggle to get a driving licence here! Pop over there!- Slip over there.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40So, how is your driving record? Good, bad, indifferent?
0:37:40 > 0:37:43Mm, the first time I drove, I wrote off a car,
0:37:43 > 0:37:48so not good. My best friend and her brother had a little car on a farm that they lived on,
0:37:48 > 0:37:53and I pretended I could drive, and got in it, and pushed the accelerator instead of the brakes,
0:37:53 > 0:37:56through a concrete bollard... Ditch, fence, cows out...
0:37:56 > 0:37:59stuck. I had to climb out of the window covered in oil.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02- And that was your first ever driving experience?- It was.
0:38:02 > 0:38:07- Then you drove around the Virgin Islands, which can't have taken more than five minutes.- No.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10- Then you took your driving test five days ago.- Yes!- And now you're here!
0:38:10 > 0:38:14We've never had a better-qualified person, really,
0:38:14 > 0:38:18to do our lap! How was it out there? Did you enjoy it?
0:38:18 > 0:38:21It was pretty scary. I've never really driven a stick shift.
0:38:21 > 0:38:25You deserve credit, genuinely, if you've never driven a manual car,
0:38:25 > 0:38:30- and belting round with the Stig. - Yes.- Who would like to see Sienna's lap?- Oh, no!
0:38:30 > 0:38:33- AUDIENCE: Yes! - Let's have a look at this!- Oh, God!
0:38:33 > 0:38:35TYRES SQUEAL
0:38:35 > 0:38:38- Is that your first wheel spin start? - Yes.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40I'm gonna nail it.
0:38:41 > 0:38:45- Oh, I say, that was brave! Not accurate, but brave!- It looks slow!
0:38:45 > 0:38:47No, it's not.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50- Excuse my language. Oh,- BLEEP!
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Potty mouth!
0:38:54 > 0:38:58That's impressive, nobody's gonna complain about that.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01I just passed my driving test...
0:39:01 > 0:39:04I really should not be doing this.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07- I love the straight-out arm position.- I know!
0:39:07 > 0:39:09- It looks so slow!- It doesn't!
0:39:09 > 0:39:12It looks the same as this every week.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14- Oh,- BLEEP!
0:39:14 > 0:39:18- I'm letting women down! - There's nothing wrong with it!
0:39:20 > 0:39:23That's quick. How will you be through the tyres...?
0:39:23 > 0:39:26Oh, my God! Mummy!
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Holy cow!
0:39:29 > 0:39:31That is fast!
0:39:31 > 0:39:33You're having a crisis!
0:39:34 > 0:39:38Oh, it's off again! And you held it!
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Yes, you got it! That's it, Gambon!
0:39:40 > 0:39:44- And you made it across the line! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:44 > 0:39:47That's a cracking lap!
0:39:49 > 0:39:52- Now...- Oh, God!
0:39:52 > 0:39:56So, where do you think, then, on the...?
0:39:56 > 0:40:00It felt quite slow, watching it back. It felt so fast when I was doing it!
0:40:00 > 0:40:03I have no idea. Tell me it's good.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07You did it, Sienna Miller, in...
0:40:07 > 0:40:08one minute...
0:40:10 > 0:40:11..forty...
0:40:11 > 0:40:13AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
0:40:13 > 0:40:16- ..9.8 seconds!- Yeah!
0:40:16 > 0:40:20- That is not bad because that puts you...- Oh!
0:40:20 > 0:40:23What a nice place to be!
0:40:23 > 0:40:28- That's all right! - Anything above 1 minute 50
0:40:28 > 0:40:32- we always say is quick.- OK. I beat Gambon, that's a first.- You beat Michael Gambon, Alan Davies,
0:40:32 > 0:40:36Steve Coogan. For someone who's never driven a manual car,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39and only been driving a week, it was amazing!
0:40:39 > 0:40:42- Thanks!- Now, best of luck with your new film.- Thank you.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45- Ladies and gentlemen, Sienna Miller! - Thank you!
0:40:45 > 0:40:49- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Thank you! Was that all right?
0:40:55 > 0:40:59Now, tonight we are in France,
0:40:59 > 0:41:03demonstrating the virtues of rear-wheel drive with one of our Cheap Car Challenges.
0:41:03 > 0:41:09When we left the action, I'd crashed into a piano, and we were on our way to a ski resort in the Alps.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12All three of our £1,500 cars are running well,
0:41:12 > 0:41:15so none of us is in danger of needing the back-up car, a Morris Marina,
0:41:15 > 0:41:17which is a good thing,
0:41:17 > 0:41:20because we're bound to break it, and the Morris Marina Owners Club
0:41:20 > 0:41:22already sort of hates us
0:41:22 > 0:41:24and wants to kill us.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35All is perfect aboard the mighty Nissan.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38All was perfect in the Porsche too.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40However...
0:41:40 > 0:41:43There's something coming out from under the bonnet.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46Did they forecast fog in your car this morning, James?
0:41:46 > 0:41:51- It's like driving through a horror film.- Chaps, my car's started making some really bad noises.
0:41:51 > 0:41:52Started?!
0:41:52 > 0:41:54'We had to pull over.'
0:41:54 > 0:41:59- # Marina... # - LAUGHTER
0:41:59 > 0:42:02I wish this was smelly-vision, because you would not...
0:42:02 > 0:42:06That smell of a car. You know when a body's been in a flat for nine months
0:42:06 > 0:42:10- and people ring up and say... - That's a distinctive smell. - ..there is a smell.
0:42:10 > 0:42:14- You really think you're gonna get that going?- Yeah.- You're just not!
0:42:16 > 0:42:18'We decided to help...
0:42:18 > 0:42:19'by leaving.'
0:42:19 > 0:42:24I'm just thinking, on these big foreign Top Gear Cheap Car Challenges,
0:42:24 > 0:42:26the cars always make it.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29And James won't want to be the one that lets the side down.
0:42:36 > 0:42:40I don't know if you can see this, but I've got some fairly dramatic
0:42:40 > 0:42:44- wheel wobble going on here. - RATTLING
0:42:44 > 0:42:46I can fix this.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49I can fix anything.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56'With my new mending powers,
0:42:56 > 0:42:58'I worked out I'd lost a wheel weight.'
0:42:58 > 0:43:01- How much, 5g, something like that, possibly?- Goodbye, Jeremy.
0:43:01 > 0:43:05'Hammond decided to help by leaving.'
0:43:05 > 0:43:06It just needs some weight.
0:43:06 > 0:43:10Funny euros! They're like wheel weights.
0:43:10 > 0:43:14Sometimes, I amaze even myself
0:43:14 > 0:43:15with my brilliance.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17Gaffer tape them on.
0:43:17 > 0:43:18Let's go.
0:43:20 > 0:43:22It's worked!
0:43:22 > 0:43:24Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:43:24 > 0:43:27At 60, the exact speed it was bad,
0:43:27 > 0:43:29it's now perfect.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31RATTLING STARTS AGAIN
0:43:31 > 0:43:35However, at 62...
0:43:37 > 0:43:40'At the next town, Hammond and I re-grouped to wait for May.'
0:43:40 > 0:43:45- Can I just say, we've now been waiting, what, half an hour? - Easy, yeah.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47Now, if it's... More, 40 minutes.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50If it's 40 minutes, he must have mended the Capri.
0:43:50 > 0:43:54Because if it was ruined, he would have just got in the Marina,
0:43:54 > 0:43:55so he must be in the Capri.
0:43:55 > 0:43:59'My logic was exactly 100%...
0:43:59 > 0:44:00'wrong.'
0:44:00 > 0:44:03HE'S HERE!
0:44:03 > 0:44:05Oh, God, it's Pinky and Perky!
0:44:05 > 0:44:10- He's failed! - Let's embrace the failure.
0:44:10 > 0:44:13- That suits you.- Thank you.- It does, I'm sorry.- You know we've had problems
0:44:13 > 0:44:18- with the Morris Marina Owners' Club? - Problems?! They declared a fatwa on us!- Exactly. This car...- Mmm.
0:44:18 > 0:44:23- ..you have to understand this, belonged to the wife of the President.- Right.
0:44:23 > 0:44:29- Just take care of it.- Your comments should be addressed to... Ahem!- Why?
0:44:29 > 0:44:32I don't want you to drive into this. This used to belong...
0:44:32 > 0:44:36- to the wife of the President of... Where was it?- France.- ..France.
0:44:39 > 0:44:45'Hammond really wasn't impressed with James' new wheels.'
0:44:45 > 0:44:50I'll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic,
0:44:50 > 0:44:52new, creative,
0:44:52 > 0:44:57hopeful or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done,
0:44:57 > 0:45:01thought of, or driven to in that drab,
0:45:01 > 0:45:06dreary, entirely beige, wilfully awful pile of misery!
0:45:06 > 0:45:09Oh, come on, it's not so bad.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13Erm, it's well-equipped.
0:45:13 > 0:45:16No, it isn't well-equipped, to be honest, it's got one dial.
0:45:16 > 0:45:18It's tastefully upholstered.
0:45:18 > 0:45:22It isn't tastefully upholstered, really, it's brown.
0:45:22 > 0:45:26But the seats are velour, and look how well it's worn.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32'Soon, we began to climb into the mountains.'
0:45:35 > 0:45:37Now, look at this. We have snow.
0:45:37 > 0:45:41And if we have ice, I have the chassis to deal with it.
0:45:42 > 0:45:45This is more like it!
0:45:45 > 0:45:48Don't tell me rear-wheel drive isn't more fun on this road.
0:45:49 > 0:45:51TYRES SCREECH
0:45:51 > 0:45:53Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:45:53 > 0:45:56Come on, Hammond, live with this!
0:45:56 > 0:45:58This is brilliant.
0:45:58 > 0:46:00£1,500.
0:46:00 > 0:46:04Drives down here, hardly uses any fuel and now look at it!
0:46:04 > 0:46:06Belting up an alp.
0:46:06 > 0:46:08TYRES SCREECH
0:46:08 > 0:46:12Twisty, this is where the Morris Marina comes into its own.
0:46:12 > 0:46:13CLUNKING
0:46:13 > 0:46:15'Meanwhile, further up the road,
0:46:15 > 0:46:18'I'd had an idea.'
0:46:18 > 0:46:22Now, remember, viewers, Hammond broke my drum kit. So,
0:46:22 > 0:46:24as he waits down there for James to arrive...
0:46:28 > 0:46:29Oh, God! JEREMY LAUGHS
0:46:29 > 0:46:31What if it were to go down the hill?
0:46:31 > 0:46:33Very funny!
0:46:33 > 0:46:35- Oh, no!- Oh, my God!
0:46:35 > 0:46:39- Oh, I'm sorry(!)- What do I do now?!
0:46:41 > 0:46:43- May's here.- Oh, joy!
0:46:43 > 0:46:44Did you break my drum kit?
0:46:44 > 0:46:48- Yes!- Have you got a cold car now? - Not...
0:46:48 > 0:46:49No, not cold...
0:46:49 > 0:46:50I'm going to die!
0:46:50 > 0:46:55Fantastic! Driving a car that terrible...that old.
0:46:55 > 0:46:59- See his Targa roof?- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:46:59 > 0:47:02It may have fallen in the raging torrents. I've no idea how(!)
0:47:07 > 0:47:10The faster I make him drive, the colder he'll be.
0:47:10 > 0:47:11Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:47:11 > 0:47:13That's quite cold now.
0:47:13 > 0:47:14Really very cold, in fact.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17That does mean war, I'd say.
0:47:19 > 0:47:23'As night fell, we reached Val Thorens, still wondering
0:47:23 > 0:47:26'what our final challenge might be.'
0:47:26 > 0:47:28Rear-wheel drive...
0:47:29 > 0:47:31..on an alp.
0:47:31 > 0:47:35'The answer lay just round the next bend.'
0:47:44 > 0:47:45Is that an ice driving track?
0:47:46 > 0:47:50'It was. And the next morning, the producers had entered us
0:47:50 > 0:47:52'for a race on it.
0:47:52 > 0:47:54'However, between us and it,
0:47:54 > 0:47:56'there was a small hill.'
0:47:56 > 0:47:58Watch this.
0:48:05 > 0:48:07Agh!
0:48:09 > 0:48:12- And there he is! - JEREMY LAUGHS
0:48:12 > 0:48:16'Using Top Gear logic, I applied even more speed.'
0:48:18 > 0:48:22Oh, dear, no! That's not gone at all well.
0:48:23 > 0:48:26'Eventually, some locals helped us onto the track,
0:48:26 > 0:48:29'where we decided to get some practice.'
0:48:30 > 0:48:32Easy.
0:48:32 > 0:48:34- Gentleness is the... Oh.- BLEEP!
0:48:36 > 0:48:39'It was unbelievably slippery.'
0:48:39 > 0:48:41Oi!
0:48:41 > 0:48:45- He's pushing me up with his wing mirror.- Get off my racing line!
0:48:46 > 0:48:50- You blithering idiot! - Don't keep doing that to me!
0:48:50 > 0:48:54How is this racing? It's just fighting!
0:48:54 > 0:48:57It's just not racing.
0:48:57 > 0:48:59Aah! Aah! No!
0:48:59 > 0:49:00Oi, do you mind?!
0:49:00 > 0:49:02Oh, I'm gonna hit the Marina!
0:49:04 > 0:49:08'Ten minutes later, we stormed into the first corner.'
0:49:08 > 0:49:10Yes, I'm winning, I'm winning!
0:49:10 > 0:49:13- Get out of the way!- I'm not winning!
0:49:15 > 0:49:21- This doesn't work.- It's impossible. - It's a very slow accident in slow motion. Could we get snow tyres?
0:49:21 > 0:49:23- Yes.- Spiky things.- Yes. Snow tyres...
0:49:23 > 0:49:26and modify.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28MUSIC: Theme from "The A-Team"
0:49:28 > 0:49:31'We were towed to the pits, where we fitted spiked tyres,
0:49:31 > 0:49:32'roll cages...'
0:49:32 > 0:49:35- I can't drive like this. - '..and because it was a race,
0:49:35 > 0:49:37'some sponsorship decals.'
0:49:38 > 0:49:41- Oh...- BLEEP!
0:49:41 > 0:49:42I mean, bother.
0:49:42 > 0:49:44- No!- Does anyone have a hammer?
0:49:46 > 0:49:50'The next morning, Val Thorens basked in glorious alpine sunshine.
0:49:53 > 0:49:57'Actually, it didn't, because this is some film from the Tourist Board. For us,
0:49:57 > 0:50:00'it looked like this...
0:50:04 > 0:50:06'No matter, at least our cars,
0:50:06 > 0:50:09'on their new spiked tyres, were ready for battle.'
0:50:10 > 0:50:11Check it out.
0:50:11 > 0:50:15- May I look inside your car, James? - Please do.- It'll still be awful!
0:50:15 > 0:50:19- Look at that!- Can I say briefly, from the outside,
0:50:19 > 0:50:22it does actually look quite good. It looks quite serious.
0:50:22 > 0:50:24- And then, Hammond...- Yes?
0:50:24 > 0:50:27- ..I can see one massive problem with your car.- What?
0:50:27 > 0:50:30- Ooh, dearie me!- Yes.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32JAMES LAUGHS
0:50:32 > 0:50:33- Look at that!- Oh!
0:50:33 > 0:50:35Yes, I'm sitting in a snowdrift.
0:50:35 > 0:50:39- How did you get your roll cage in, in the end?- Well, work.
0:50:39 > 0:50:44- I've got door bars.- Oh, well, that's a very thorough set-up. - It's a very thorough job.
0:50:44 > 0:50:49Now, I'm looking forward to this, because I think a Porsche will look good drifting.
0:50:49 > 0:50:51You couldn't do this with front-wheel drive.
0:50:54 > 0:50:56'We were feeling confident.
0:50:56 > 0:51:00'And when we saw the cars our French rivals had, that confidence grew.'
0:51:00 > 0:51:03- These are all just little hatchbacks. - That's a Kia.
0:51:03 > 0:51:06And a BMW 1 Series.
0:51:06 > 0:51:10- I've got a V6 and a twin turbo. - This is the crib sheet, right, on these cars, yes?
0:51:10 > 0:51:13They have a top speed of...
0:51:13 > 0:51:1480.
0:51:14 > 0:51:17Even your Marina can go faster than that, 80.
0:51:17 > 0:51:22And it says here, "Cars rarely exceed 50-60 mph during a race."
0:51:22 > 0:51:27- Wow, look at that!- I haven't got one of those.- Did you fit one of those on your Marina?- No.- A windscreen wiper
0:51:27 > 0:51:32on the side. They're obviously expecting to go sideways... Look! ..with their wayward handling.
0:51:34 > 0:51:36'The other drivers - including a youth
0:51:36 > 0:51:40'and an old bloke - didn't look like much of a threat either.
0:51:40 > 0:51:44'But then I spotted a familiar face.'
0:51:44 > 0:51:46- Where?- There. It's Olivier Panis.
0:51:46 > 0:51:48What, the designer?
0:51:48 > 0:51:50Please tell me you've heard of Olivier Panis?
0:51:50 > 0:51:53Panis is a type of Italian bread, isn't it?
0:51:53 > 0:51:56Formula One racing driver. Formula One.
0:51:56 > 0:51:59- Won the Monaco Grand Prix. - Oh, I knew that.- Really?- Won it.
0:52:01 > 0:52:05- I suppose it's unfair to ask for tips when we're gonna thrash you, but...- Not at all.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07..what would you say we had to do to not hit things?
0:52:07 > 0:52:13- Well, it's quite hard, because this car is four-wheel...- Four-wheel drive?- Drive, yeah, and turning.
0:52:13 > 0:52:18- The rear-wheel also turning...- Oh. - ..it means to turn the car much quicker.
0:52:18 > 0:52:19- Like yours.- Yeah.
0:52:19 > 0:52:23It's very, very sporting of you to let us bring Porsche, Nissan 300ZX.
0:52:23 > 0:52:28- Much more powerful cars. - And the Morris.- And the Morris. - It's like bringing, well, longbows
0:52:28 > 0:52:29to a bow and arrow fight.
0:52:29 > 0:52:35- Yeah, it is, thank you.- I thought you were gonna say something really inappropriate then.- I did wonder!
0:52:35 > 0:52:38I mentioned Agincourt once, but I think I got away with it.
0:52:42 > 0:52:44'With our romper suits on,
0:52:44 > 0:52:47'we lined up for the ten-lap race.'
0:52:47 > 0:52:51I cannot believe I'm in a race with Olivier Panis,
0:52:51 > 0:52:54France's second best racing driver.
0:52:56 > 0:53:00Quite often, racers find it difficult when they get too hot.
0:53:00 > 0:53:03This won't happen today.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08Here's my plan. I'm gonna take the one in front on the left-hand side,
0:53:08 > 0:53:12cut across to the right, then I'll be alongside Panis for the first tight right-hander.
0:53:12 > 0:53:16He's bound to swing left, they all do that in Formula One.
0:53:16 > 0:53:18I'm going right. That'll surprise him.
0:53:25 > 0:53:26Here I go!
0:53:26 > 0:53:28We're off!
0:53:28 > 0:53:31- They may have got away from us a bit there.- How did they do that?!
0:53:35 > 0:53:38'It turned out they weren't crummy hatchbacks.
0:53:38 > 0:53:42'They were mid-engine rocket ships.
0:53:42 > 0:53:45'So immediately, we were lapped...'
0:53:45 > 0:53:47Oh, God!
0:53:47 > 0:53:48Oh, God!
0:53:48 > 0:53:50Sorry!
0:53:50 > 0:53:53'..and then immediately, we were lapped again.'
0:53:53 > 0:53:55HELP!
0:53:55 > 0:53:58How many other cars...? HELP...ME!
0:53:58 > 0:54:03'This wasn't Agincourt, this was the Battle of Hastings.'
0:54:03 > 0:54:04He's taken me.
0:54:04 > 0:54:06He's taken me.
0:54:06 > 0:54:07He's taken me as well.
0:54:09 > 0:54:10That's right, put me in there.
0:54:10 > 0:54:15No, no, really, help yourself(!) We're being humiliated!
0:54:16 > 0:54:18You...cheese-eating...
0:54:18 > 0:54:20sideways monkeys!
0:54:21 > 0:54:25Olivier Panis found the Morris particularly annoying.
0:54:25 > 0:54:27What is this shitbox?!
0:54:27 > 0:54:29What is this car?
0:54:29 > 0:54:31A Morris.
0:54:31 > 0:54:33Ow! Ow!
0:54:36 > 0:54:39'Soon, it became clear there were two races going on.
0:54:39 > 0:54:41'One for people who'd brought the right tools
0:54:41 > 0:54:44'and one for those who WERE tools.'
0:54:46 > 0:54:48I can't see a bloody thing!
0:54:48 > 0:54:51Argh! I pulled my own glove off!
0:54:52 > 0:54:54Try a Scandinavian flick.
0:54:54 > 0:54:55No!
0:54:55 > 0:54:58- No!- Oh, what the...- BLEEP- ?!
0:55:02 > 0:55:06OK, that's them going past. That was that Oliver man again.
0:55:09 > 0:55:11I'm being lapped again!
0:55:12 > 0:55:17'To make matters worse, Hammond had turned our race into a grudge match.'
0:55:17 > 0:55:19No! What the hell?!
0:55:19 > 0:55:26- Ha-ha-ha! That's for throwing my roof away, you fool!- You're going off.
0:55:26 > 0:55:28- You're going off.- No!
0:55:28 > 0:55:31- No!- Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:55:33 > 0:55:35'Unfortunately...
0:55:36 > 0:55:39'..as we knocked seven bells out of each other...'
0:55:39 > 0:55:41- Sorry, mate.- What are you doing?
0:55:41 > 0:55:44- Why are you doing this to me?! - Ha-ha!
0:55:44 > 0:55:47'..James was sneaking up from the rear.'
0:55:47 > 0:55:48Power.
0:55:48 > 0:55:49Power.
0:55:49 > 0:55:51What there is of it.
0:55:51 > 0:55:52He's got me back.
0:55:52 > 0:55:54Whoa!
0:55:55 > 0:55:57May's got us!
0:55:57 > 0:55:59That's a pass for the Marina!
0:56:00 > 0:56:02You stupid idiot, Hammond!
0:56:02 > 0:56:06'At this point, the French race finished.
0:56:06 > 0:56:10'And with them out of the way, I set off after May.'
0:56:10 > 0:56:13Right, come on, must be able to catch a Marina.
0:56:13 > 0:56:16Nice and smooth and straight. Where's the corner?
0:56:16 > 0:56:17There he is.
0:56:17 > 0:56:20May is in my sight.
0:56:20 > 0:56:23'I now had less than a lap to get past.'
0:56:23 > 0:56:26Don't hit him!
0:56:26 > 0:56:28Morris extremists will come if I hit him.
0:56:28 > 0:56:34I hope you're watching this, wife of the President of...France!
0:56:35 > 0:56:38I don't believe it, May's going to win!
0:56:40 > 0:56:41It's the flag!
0:56:43 > 0:56:46Surely not, not the Marina?!
0:56:48 > 0:56:50I'm gonna have to kill myself!
0:56:57 > 0:56:59Ah...
0:56:59 > 0:57:01- I believe I won.- Hammond, you idiot! - What?!
0:57:01 > 0:57:06You threw my roof away, and as a result, the inside of my windscreen froze up.
0:57:06 > 0:57:10Every time I went round a corner, there was this wildly fishtailing Datsun!
0:57:10 > 0:57:15Every time I went smoothly round a corner, there was some idiot in a multi-blue Porsche ramming me
0:57:15 > 0:57:19- and sticking me in the ditch! - I believe this is what's know as racing drivers' excuses, isn't it?
0:57:19 > 0:57:24- No, I'll tell you what I believe. - What?- I believe that as a result of our...- Erm, exuberance.
0:57:24 > 0:57:26- ..revenge...- Yes.
0:57:26 > 0:57:28..we must now conclude
0:57:28 > 0:57:30that the best rear-wheel drive car
0:57:30 > 0:57:33that money can buy is the Morris Marina!
0:57:33 > 0:57:35- Yes!- And do you know what?- What?
0:57:35 > 0:57:39I think the Morris Marina Owners' Club are gonna be thrilled with that.
0:57:39 > 0:57:44- I think it will finally make amends. - They'll forgive us.- They will, finally! Finally.
0:57:52 > 0:57:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:57:56 > 0:58:00What are we gonna do?! What are we gonna do?!
0:58:00 > 0:58:06- We're gonna be killed and eaten by Morrismen!- Look, we did explain in the last series that we're based
0:58:06 > 0:58:10- next to an air-freight piano removal company.- Absolutely.
0:58:10 > 0:58:13- They're called Careless Air.- Yes. - And now, they have a French sister company
0:58:13 > 0:58:20- called Piano Avion Malheureusement. - Yes, I read about that in Helicopter News - they're based in Val Thorens.
0:58:20 > 0:58:25Exactly. So, if you're watching, Carla Bruni, OK, wife of the President of France,
0:58:25 > 0:58:29- it wasn't our fault your Marina got broken.- No.- And now, gentlemen,
0:58:29 > 0:58:31if I might make a suggestion...
0:58:31 > 0:58:34- run!- Yeah, good one.- See you next week, everyone!- Bye!- Bye!
0:58:47 > 0:58:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:50 > 0:58:54E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk