0:00:11 > 0:00:14Tonight, I wear some goggles...
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Richard falls down a small slope...
0:00:17 > 0:00:20and James says hello to a man!
0:00:20 > 0:00:21All right, mate?
0:00:26 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Hello.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Hello. Good evening. Thank you, everybody.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Thank you. Thank you!
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Now as we know, the real world where we all live is full of dreary cars
0:00:39 > 0:00:42like the Renault Scenic and the Toyota...
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- whatever this is. - LAUGHTER
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Which is why, in the fantasy world that is Top Gear,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51we prefer to feature things that are a bit more exciting,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54a bit more dinosaurish.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Our track...
0:01:03 > 0:01:04ROARING ENGINES
0:01:04 > 0:01:09..it's the natural home of the quad cam 84-litre carnivore.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- ROAR! - From the massive Murcielago
0:01:11 > 0:01:16- ROAR! - ..to the agile Ariel Raptor,
0:01:16 > 0:01:17we have them all.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21We even have a keeper capable of taming them.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23ROAR!
0:01:23 > 0:01:24The Top Gear test track?
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- It's Jurassic Park! - ROARING
0:01:28 > 0:01:31This week, though, there are no T-rexes.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33There are no raptors. There are none of those...
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Pssp! ..spitty things.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40This week, Top Gear has gone all Springwatch.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41TRANQUIL GUITAR
0:01:45 > 0:01:49This is the new BMW Z4.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52It's not mid-engined.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55It isn't a fire-breathing monster that runs on
0:01:55 > 0:02:00brimstone and baby owls. It's just a common or garden sports car.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I didn't like the old Z4.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06I though it was too ugly and mostly driven by people
0:02:06 > 0:02:09who spent their evenings wife-swapping.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I don't know why I thought that.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15It's just whenever I saw someone with a Z4, I thought,
0:02:15 > 0:02:19"Those car keys. I bet they spend less time in the ignition
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"than they do in a pot round at Muriel's house."
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Given the choice,
0:02:25 > 0:02:29I'd have bought a Mercedes SLK instead.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32In fact, I did.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38This, however, is the new Z4 and while it may not be much of a looker
0:02:38 > 0:02:40with the new aluminium roof up...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45..it is fantastic with it down.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48It's sort of...
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Uma Thurmanish -
0:02:51 > 0:02:56perfect, but you can't really explain why.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59It's the same story with the interior.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02It's very different to any other car,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05and that's good - and so's this!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12That long, priapic bonnet
0:03:12 > 0:03:15houses a three-litre engine which is boosted
0:03:15 > 0:03:17by two turbo chargers.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Actually, it doesn't feel like a pair of turbos.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27It feels like a pair of testes.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Big, meaty ones!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Obviously it's not a raptor,
0:03:35 > 0:03:36but since I'm now doing
0:03:36 > 0:03:39140 mph...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42..it's not a cow either.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50The best thing about this car, though,
0:03:50 > 0:03:51is how it feels to drive.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55The old Z4 was too hard.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Getting into it after a hard day at work was like getting home
0:03:59 > 0:04:02and flopping down on a sofa made out of Chuck Norris.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05This one, though,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08they've done what Lotus did with the Evora and Jaguar with the XF -
0:04:08 > 0:04:10they've softened it down.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12It's nice!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Don't think, however, it's become a hopeless wallowing herbivore.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20ROARING
0:04:24 > 0:04:26ENGINE ROARS
0:04:26 > 0:04:30That intrinsic BMW-ness is still there.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35It's got that wonderful sense that when you turn into a corner,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39that the whole car is pivoting around your hips.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Who'd have thought I'd come right down the food chain this week?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I'm in Kate Humble's hedge and I'm loving it!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Today, I'd buy a Z4
0:04:57 > 0:04:58over a Mercedes SLK in a heart beat.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02In fact, I'd rather have one of these
0:05:02 > 0:05:05than almost any of the Top Gear dinosaurs.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08It is that good!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10ROARING
0:05:12 > 0:05:15'Before we move on, though, there is another new car
0:05:15 > 0:05:18'in the Springwatch section of Top Gear's wildlife park.'
0:05:18 > 0:05:20BIRDSONG
0:05:20 > 0:05:22(Look! Look! There it is.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25(That is a brown Datsun.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28(I realise, of course, that you might think...
0:05:28 > 0:05:33(that here in the whole world of pterodactyls and peacocks
0:05:33 > 0:05:38(it's a bit of a hen, but you should see what it can do.)
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I'm hanging its tail out.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52I'm revelling in the short wheelbase,
0:05:52 > 0:05:56the taut rear-drive chassis.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Mm-hm.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I'm on the straight and I'm UNLEASHING
0:06:02 > 0:06:05326 horsepower!
0:06:08 > 0:06:09SHRIEKING ROAR
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Eat my exhaust fumes, dinosaur!
0:06:17 > 0:06:21This is the new Nissan 370Z GT...
0:06:22 > 0:06:26..a shortened, lightened, more powerful version of the old 350.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Prices start at £27,000, and that makes it very cheap,
0:06:32 > 0:06:36especially when you look at all the equipment it has.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39DINOSAURS ROAR
0:06:42 > 0:06:46I've even got something called a "Synchro Rev Match system".
0:06:46 > 0:06:50OK, so I'm in fourth gear, yes? Want to change down to second.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- ENGINE REVS - You hear that?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53It revs the engine
0:06:53 > 0:06:57so the road speed is matched to the revs - makes the change smoother.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03That's very simple and very clever. I like that.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10As a heart starter, this thing eats the BMW for breakfast.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15It's got 26 more horsepowers for a kick-off.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It's a lot more... exciting as well somehow.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Aha-ha!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25And even this GT version,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28with leather seats and the rev-o-matic gearbox,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31is five-and-a-bit thousand pounds cheaper.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38THIS is a RACING hen!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44There is just one problem with it, however.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46It's very nasty.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51It's fine here on the track,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55but on the road it's so hard and harsh.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59It's also VERY noisy
0:07:59 > 0:08:01and it's not a nice noise either.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04VIBRATING LOW HUM
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I'd rather listen to my own firing squad.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10The worst thing about this car, though, is that if you had one,
0:08:10 > 0:08:15you'd never get invited to a wife-swapping party.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17People would think you were a bit...
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Oddie.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23APPLAUSE
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- What do you mean? - It's not good enough. It isn't.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29- But this...- Yeah.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- ..I love it!- I know. - It's got something.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Honestly, if somebody said to me,
0:08:34 > 0:08:38"You have to have one of these for the rest of your life," I would be delighted.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- I love it. - It's a brilliant car,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43however, we must now find out how fast this, and indeed the hen,
0:08:43 > 0:08:48go round our track, which, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53Some say that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous...
0:08:53 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:09:03..and that recently, pigs in Mexico have started to die of something called "Stig flu".
0:09:03 > 0:09:05LAUGHTER
0:09:05 > 0:09:08All we know is he's highly contagious.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10SQUEAL OF TYRES
0:09:10 > 0:09:14And they're off! I have to say, these cars aren't really comparable.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18The Nissan is loud and aggressive, the BMW more day-to-day,
0:09:18 > 0:09:22but they both look tidy through the first corner there.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Yep, no problems at all.
0:09:24 > 0:09:31BAGPIPE MUSIC
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Oh, dear, it sounds like two sets of bagpipe music there.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Hard to tell really with bagpipes. Anyway...
0:09:38 > 0:09:41we're round Chicago nicely. Coming up to Hammerhead.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46The BMW might be having a bit of understeer there. Yes, it is!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48But at least he's OK with the gear change,
0:09:48 > 0:09:52because the Stig's in the automatic, which BMW say is actually faster.
0:09:52 > 0:09:57BAGPIPE MUSIC CONTINUES
0:09:57 > 0:09:59ENGINES ROAR
0:09:59 > 0:10:01So to Follow-Through.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03My word! Now the BMW's got an oversteer!
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I've never seen that there before!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10The Nissan has no problem at all. Two corners left.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12The BMW kicking out its tail again!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15The Nissan rather boring in comparison.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18But... Oh, now look at it! It's showboating! And there they go!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Across the line! - APPLAUSE
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Aha!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Mmm? Now...here we have the Nissan, look.
0:10:28 > 0:10:35The Nissan did it in 1 minute 27.5, and the BMW...
0:10:35 > 0:10:391 minute 28.2.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40So that goes...
0:10:40 > 0:10:42there. So what we're saying here,
0:10:42 > 0:10:48really, is, er, buy the BMW, because it's slower,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51less exciting, more expensive and less well-equipped.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER
0:10:53 > 0:10:58And now the news. And the big news this week - the government wants to put up signs on the motorway
0:10:58 > 0:11:02telling drivers to pull over at the next junction, get out
0:11:02 > 0:11:06and swap their car for public transport, which is kind of puzzling.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Why, when you're in the car already, would you want to stop
0:11:09 > 0:11:11and then get on a train?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14It's like going to the cinema and a sign on the screen saying,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"Have you thought about reading a book?"
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- It's too late!- I'm in the cinema! - What are the signs going to say?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23"Don't need to be on time or near where you want to go?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- "The railway station is next left." - LAUGHTER
0:11:25 > 0:11:27"Something missing from your commute?"
0:11:27 > 0:11:32A foul smell from a stranger sitting next to me. Is that what they intend for us to do?
0:11:32 > 0:11:37I tell you what. You know the government announced earlier this week that 60,000 people
0:11:37 > 0:11:40are going to be laid waste by swine flu? What they ought to be telling us
0:11:40 > 0:11:43is under no circumstances use public transport.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- That's the point.- Right. - The funny thing is...
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- swine flu is getting a bad press. - Well...- Have you noticed?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- LAUGHTER - It is. They're saying it's bad for the economy,
0:11:53 > 0:11:58because no-one will buy anything and there'll be a lot of absenteeism,
0:11:58 > 0:12:02but parking spaces for the rest of us will be easy to find.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04LAUGHTER That's a good point.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Now, there's a new Range Rover. We had it in the studio last week, OK?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11It's got a new bumper and new engine, but that's not important.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15What's important is it's got cameras in its headlamps looking forwards,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18one in the back looking back, and two on either side looking down.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22It's for off-roading, so you can see tree stumps and bears in your way...
0:12:22 > 0:12:25They feed the picture to the screen - sat-nav screen -
0:12:25 > 0:12:29but it doesn't turn off when you're going along on the road.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- And you've all different cameras on? - Yes.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34You're sitting in there, you've got five different feeds coming in,
0:12:34 > 0:12:39- but you can choose which one you want. It's like being a sports director at Wimbledon.- Wow!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I'm coming to the crest of a hill. I'll have that one. Nice.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Reverse. Go to the back one. Get the exhaust noise.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Nice!- It is FANTASTIC!
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Isn't it a bit distracting?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- God, it's unbelievable! - LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:54You're not allowed to talk on a mobile phone these days,
0:12:54 > 0:12:58but you can direct Ben-Hur while you're going along. It's just...
0:12:58 > 0:13:04I haven't got to the best bit. In London at Holland Park, a very pretty girl in the car behind, yeah?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Very pretty! Switched to rear camera...
0:13:07 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:11..and then I found you can zoom in
0:13:11 > 0:13:14on parts of the girl in the car behind!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16So it's got lech-o-matic?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19It's perv-vision. The traffic lights are going red, green, and I'm...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:24It was just fantastic!
0:13:24 > 0:13:30Last week, a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Last time this happened,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34the Morris Marina Owners Club,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37which is like the provisional wing of the Morris men,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- were absolutely furious. - They went berserk.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43There's been a lot of internet activity on the Morris chatroom.
0:13:43 > 0:13:49"I'm going to send an e-mail to the BBC and I don't care if they don't read it!"
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- LAUGHTER - Now, that's what they said last time, OK?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54This time it's getting worse.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59They said they'd get physical. I'm quoting now. One of them says - and I'm not making this up -
0:13:59 > 0:14:04"If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, I will poo into my hand and throw it at him."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:10What?! They'll poo into their own hand?!
0:14:10 > 0:14:14What a stupid way of getting someone. It's like an assassin lining up on the target
0:14:14 > 0:14:16and shooting them through his own head!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18It's revolting.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23The thing is, last week when we were making the film, you probably saw, out in France,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26there was doubt as to who owned the car that you ended up driving.
0:14:26 > 0:14:32Was it the wife of the president of the Morris Marina Owners Club or the wife of the President of France,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35who is, of course, Carla Bruni? That was cleared up this week,
0:14:35 > 0:14:40because Carla Bruni went to Nelson Mandela's birthday party in New York
0:14:40 > 0:14:43where she sang a song which clears everything up.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46MOCK TRANSLATION OF SUNG FRENCH:
0:15:07 > 0:15:09APPLAUSE Now we know.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10You're history.
0:15:15 > 0:15:21Now, we are constantly being told, mostly by people who wear slacks,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- that classic cars are more fun than modern ones. - Yes!- >
0:15:24 > 0:15:27There was a yes over there. The thing is, though,
0:15:27 > 0:15:31we weren't sure, so the producers gave each of us £3,000
0:15:31 > 0:15:34and told us to go to a classic car auction in King's Lynn,
0:15:34 > 0:15:38which is famous for being nowhere near anywhere else in the world.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:45They said we could buy anything we wanted as long as it was built before 1982
0:15:45 > 0:15:51and then, when we had cars, there would not be the usual series of small challenges but one big one.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56'After a 2,000-mile drive, we arrived...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58'at the wrong place
0:15:58 > 0:16:00'and then the right one
0:16:00 > 0:16:02'where, inside the shed...' All right, mate?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05'..there were many cars to choose from.'
0:16:06 > 0:16:09"The Teesside Yesteryear Motor Club."
0:16:09 > 0:16:14How much do I not want to go out for dinner with anyone who's a member of that(?)
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Yeah, a '68 Daimler.
0:16:19 > 0:16:25It's V8, but a tiny capacity, so a busy little engine and too expensive unless it goes cheap.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26You never know.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30'As the start time neared, we took our seats.'
0:16:30 > 0:16:33This is the first time I've ever been to a car auction.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- It's fantastically exciting. - We could leave with anything.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41At auctions in the past, normally I'm the one at the back, drunk out of my mind,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- bidding for signed rugby balls. - Charity auctions.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Ladies and gentlemen,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- we will now get the first car in. - Here we go.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- Here we go.- What is that?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- A London taxi.- A Lanchester LJ 200.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- A Lanchester?- LJ 200.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- "1953. No documents. Condition - three."- No documents(!)
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Who'll start me? 500? Quickly!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06500? 500, thank you, sir.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- 500, I'm bid.- What are you doing?! - Getting on with it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10It's the first one.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- I'm doing what they did in nightclubs in Yorkshire.- 700, I'm bid.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- At 700.- I'm going ugly early. Go in, get the first one you can.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- 1,000 bid.- It's a car. I'm after it.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- At £1,000.- Give it to me.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Thank you, sir.
0:17:24 > 0:17:31- That's mine.- You bought it?!- You madman!- Look at the back of it(!) - THEY GUFFAW
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- What do you mean "go ugly early"? - You go in...
0:17:34 > 0:17:37I did it in nightclubs. When I was in Ripon, you'd walk in
0:17:37 > 0:17:42and the first girl that's breathing, you go to her and go, "Hi, love, how are you doing?" You've pulled.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Your mates, thinking in a minute Ursula Andress is going to turn up, and she didn't, were stuck.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50'The next lot was a tasty Ford Cortina.'
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Hang on. Hang on.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56On my right, 220. 220. 240. 260. 280? 280.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57300. At 320. 320...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- I bid!- You did.- You're still in it.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01..420. 440...
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I'm not sure. I want a convertible.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Oh, have it! If you chicken out now, you won't get it.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Go on! Come on!
0:18:09 > 0:18:10..530. Quickly! 540.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12No, I'm hanging on. I'm hanging on.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17'Several terrible cars came and went.'
0:18:17 > 0:18:18What the hell's this?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- It's an Austin 7. - I'm not interested.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24'Then, finally, a convertible arrived.'
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- Hang on.- 2,000 bid.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28'And Top Gear's auction new boy went mad.'
0:18:28 > 0:18:292,400. 2,500.
0:18:29 > 0:18:312,600. 2,900.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33At 2,900.
0:18:33 > 0:18:343,000 bid.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36At 3,000. At 3,000.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- 3,100. 3,200. - You're making a mistake.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- What are you bidding on? - 3,400. 3,500.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Yes!- 3,600.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44222.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- JAMES CHUCKLES - Have you thought...- Holy BLEEP! I've bought THAT!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER
0:18:50 > 0:18:55- How much have I paid for it? - BOTH:- £3,600.- I've got 600 of my own money in that?!- Yes, sir.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Oh, my God, what have I done?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01'Well, at least he'd done something,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04'unlike James, who, as car after car went by...'
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Bid.- No.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07'..still refused to buy.'
0:19:07 > 0:19:10You will see. My patience will be rewarded.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Spitfire Sports...- Come on, you want a Spitfire.- No, I don't.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16James, it's in budget. You like the colour.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Bid! Bid!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21'James was being so stubborn, I decided to bid on his behalf.'
0:19:21 > 0:19:241,450. 1,500.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Did you just bid on that, you halfwit?- Yes.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- With that.- With your number.- I see.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33James, I'm warning you, if you don't buy something in a minute...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35This is mine. It's a Bristol,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39but it's got the wrong engine, so it's not worth much. Watch this.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Someone start me 5,000. 5,000 bid. At 5,200.
0:19:42 > 0:19:445,400, 5,600...
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- That's you stuffed, then, isn't it? - We're out.
0:19:47 > 0:19:486,200, 6,400...
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I wanted that.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- 7,000...- So, Captain Cautious, what are you gonna do now?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57You're starting now to look like you're in trouble.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02- There's plenty more stuff coming through.- We're now coming up to the last lot.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- What?!- The very last lot.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07CLARKSON LAUGHS
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Oh, mate!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- It's nice!- I don't want that.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Seriously, what do we do, because I don't want a Citroen? I don't want it!
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- 550, 600, 700... - You've got to bid, mate.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23You've got no choice.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- You've got no...- 900 quid?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Bid.
0:20:28 > 0:20:291,050, 1,110...
0:20:29 > 0:20:321,150, 1,200...
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- Oh, God. - You've got to buy it, mate.- Yes.
0:20:35 > 0:20:371,400. 1,450!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- It's a lovely colour.- 1,500!
0:20:39 > 0:20:401,500.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44At 1,500... The name, sir?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Worth every penny!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50'It was time to inspect what we'd bought.'
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Look at it in here.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53It's like driving around in a radiogram.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55ENGINE SPLUTTERS
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Listen to that... Oh.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- This has not got an MOT, has it? - I'll book it in.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05The first thing they're going to say is you're running on...
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- An odd number.- Three. That's good.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13We'll get the fourth one going, and it'll be fine. I'm confident. This is a classic.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16'And it was a damn sight bigger than Jeremy's classic.'
0:21:16 > 0:21:21This is going to be a remarkable thing, watching you fold yourself into a Midget.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- It isn't a Midget.- It is! - It's an Austin-Healy.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29- It's a hairy-chested man's car. - No, that's the big Healey.
0:21:29 > 0:21:34This is a little tiny Healey built in the same factory as the MG Midget.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37The only difference between this and a Midget is an MG badge.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Oh...
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Let me help you.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44There, you see!
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Let's do this scientifically. There's the top of the windscreen.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52'Still, at least my car wasn't medieval.'
0:21:52 > 0:21:57In 1977, you couldn't drink the water in France, and they hadn't heard of an ignition key.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59ENGINE SPLUTTERS
0:21:59 > 0:22:00How about that?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02ENGINE WHIRRS
0:22:02 > 0:22:04What a dismal racket.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08'It was time to receive our challenge.'
0:22:08 > 0:22:12"You have been entered in a classic time trial rally
0:22:12 > 0:22:14"on the sunshine island of Majorca."
0:22:14 > 0:22:19Ah! Majorca means...?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Bad food, prawn shells in everything...
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- Driving on the other side of the road.- They drive on the wrong side of the road.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30- My steering wheel's on the wrong side of the car.- "You have two weeks to prepare your cars
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- "and ship them there." - For a classic time...
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I know what they are. My wife does these.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40They're those ones where you have to get from A to B on difficult roads
0:22:40 > 0:22:43and you have to average a certain speed within the speed limit,
0:22:43 > 0:22:48but you have to average it. We are talking some properly anal stuff here.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- How do you make a car ready for a rally?- I don't know.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57'To find out, we took our cars for a spin.'
0:22:57 > 0:23:00So, faults. Let's just go through the faults.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03That window won't wind up, no big deal,
0:23:03 > 0:23:08and the hood here doesn't fit properly. Other than those tiny things,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10it's ready to rally, this one.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12GEARBOX CRUNCHES
0:23:14 > 0:23:20Power - 32 horsepower, to be precise.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24'While waiting for a booking at the MOT centre,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28'I discovered something amazing.'
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Hold on a second.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34My granddad worked at Mulliners, the coachbuilders.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38And in the 1950s, when he was there,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40they were making Hillman Humber Standard
0:23:40 > 0:23:44and Lanchester. This car's 1953,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47so my granddad built this car!
0:23:47 > 0:23:51This actual car, he was working at Mulliners and this is what he did,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54he was a coach builder. He built this car!
0:23:55 > 0:23:59'While Richard was having his Who Do You Think You Are? moment,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01'I was not very far away,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04'still not going very fast.'
0:24:04 > 0:24:070-60? I'll give you a few seconds to have an educated guess.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13No. 31.7 seconds.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18'Meanwhile, I was getting acquainted with Granddad's craftsmanship.'
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Oh, God. Third isn't working. HORN HONKS
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Oh, hell.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I can't get anything past second. HORN HONKS
0:24:26 > 0:24:30No. Granddad didn't do the gearbox. That's a Daimler gearbox.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31HORN HONKS Sorry!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34This armrest is adjustable.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I'll adjust it up a bit... Oh.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41My granddad didn't build that bit. That was somebody else.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Day off, maybe.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47'Eventually, I made it to the MOT centre.'
0:24:47 > 0:24:51ENGINE TURNS OVER
0:24:54 > 0:24:56'Meanwhile, in the Healey...'
0:24:56 > 0:24:59God, it's even got quick steering.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04Everybody knows a horror story about someone who bought a car at an auction.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06But what you have here
0:25:06 > 0:25:08is a fairy story.
0:25:08 > 0:25:14Quite by accident, I've bought a genuinely brilliant little car.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19'Unlike Richard, whose MOT inspection was now finished.'
0:25:19 > 0:25:24You've got a hydraulic pipe that goes to the floating master cylinder,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26and that's leaking fluid quite badly.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- Yeah.- It's a wonder you got here with it.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29- OK.- OK.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33The nearside front trunnion top and bottom is badly worn,
0:25:33 > 0:25:36the other side is following quite closely behind it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38The brakes on the back are about 83% out of balance.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42You're got a brake hose, which is floating,
0:25:42 > 0:25:46which is pouring fluid out of it. The shackles on the back of the spring hangers
0:25:46 > 0:25:47are in very bad condition as well.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Most of the shackle pins and bits and pieces are very badly worn indeed,
0:25:51 > 0:25:55and there are pins missing. No headlights...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Come on, then, Hammond! Come on.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Tell us...
0:26:08 > 0:26:11How bad was it?
0:26:11 > 0:26:12That's what came back.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- I've had worse than that! Oh, blimey. - LAUGHTER
0:26:16 > 0:26:18That's the actual list.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22That is the list of everything that was wrong with Granddad's...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24We'll pick that up later on, but now
0:26:24 > 0:26:28it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33Yes, it is, but the extraordinary thing is, I bet almost none of you have ever heard of him.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37He is the lead singer with AC/DC.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Johnson!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Can't believe you're here!
0:26:45 > 0:26:46What a star! You've come!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Fantastic!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Have yourself a seat, Brian.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Thank you.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57I am properly fascinated by how you've achieved it,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59because everybody knows Jagger, Daltrey,
0:26:59 > 0:27:04David Van Day, everybody knows the lead singers
0:27:04 > 0:27:05with these big bands.
0:27:05 > 0:27:10But Brian Johnson? How have you managed to stay anonymous?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I think the band... It's just the way we do things.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Stay under the radar.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18You never see you on anything. You're never at a glittering gala do,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21you're never at Elton John's... No, you wouldn't be.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25When I said, "Brian Johnson's coming on the show" to friends,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27they went, "The cricket bloke? He's dead."
0:27:27 > 0:27:34- That's Brian Johns-TON. - We enjoy keeping quiet.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36We can live a normal life, you know.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Is this right? Black Hawk Down, obviously we've seen the film,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43- but it was used as well, AC/DC. - Mike,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46the helicopter pilot that went down,
0:27:46 > 0:27:50he'd been shot and he'd been beaten, and they put him in a cell,
0:27:50 > 0:27:55and he thought he was finished. They kept coming and beating him.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59His pals knew that AC/DC were his favourite band,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02so they hooked a big speaker on the skid of a helicopter
0:28:02 > 0:28:06and they played Back In Black and Hells Bells
0:28:06 > 0:28:08and they flew over the city and he dragged himself up
0:28:08 > 0:28:11and took his shirt off and waved it out the window
0:28:11 > 0:28:15so they knew where he was and they went down and got him.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19He's a good friend. We talk to each other.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21It's good when stuff like that happens.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24That is a fantastic story.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28We could rap about AC/DC for some considerable time,
0:28:28 > 0:28:33but you're here because you are a massive, massive car fan.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- Is that not...?- Since I was a kid.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Me father knew there was something wrong with us
0:28:39 > 0:28:43when I'd be walking down the street going, "Javelin, Dad."
0:28:43 > 0:28:47It drove him nuts, so he went to the scrap yard and got a steering wheel
0:28:47 > 0:28:52and he stuck a stick through it and put it through me bed head and put some pillows on it
0:28:52 > 0:28:53and said, "There you go."
0:28:53 > 0:28:56What, so that's a car?
0:28:56 > 0:28:58That was me car. It was brilliant.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Although there was wallpaper there, I couldn't see it.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05I just saw the rest of the world and I just drove for hours.
0:29:05 > 0:29:10Obviously - we're talking here about good, honest, salt of the earth, working-class Geordie upbringing -
0:29:10 > 0:29:15the original cars that you finally got once you were old enough, they were all what?
0:29:15 > 0:29:20Me first one, which was fabulous, it was a Ford Popular sit up and beg,
0:29:20 > 0:29:25which had a beige exterior and a salmon pink interior.
0:29:25 > 0:29:31But it was mine, it was freedom. Brilliant.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35- You presumably go through the Mini phase at that point. - Mini phase was very important,
0:29:35 > 0:29:40because then you didn't have to hide the Ford Popular round the corner when you went to parties.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42The Mini was cool. Was it a Cooper?
0:29:42 > 0:29:45No, I tried to make it look like a Cooper.
0:29:45 > 0:29:50I put them little spready things on the back wheels and I put go-faster stripes on.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53But it had sliding windows,
0:29:53 > 0:29:56and they were very handy with the girls in the back.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59You could get their...
0:29:59 > 0:30:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:04 > 0:30:09- I know what you mean! - Sorry. I'm sorry.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12And obviously then AC/DC came along.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14Yes.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17- So what did you get? Heavy metal band - heavy metal cars?- I did.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19I love me classics.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22I bought an old Triumph Roadster, 1948.
0:30:22 > 0:30:30Now I drive a 1928 Bentley Le Mans 4.5 litre.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31- Really?- Yeah.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34- That's got the throttle pedal...- In the middle.
0:30:34 > 0:30:35That's a bugger.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Sometimes, you know, when you're going round a corner,
0:30:38 > 0:30:43"I'll just break... Oh, bugger!"
0:30:43 > 0:30:45It can tighten your bottom a bit.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47It makes your arse go like a rabbit's nose.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49LAUGHTER
0:30:49 > 0:30:52So what's your day-to-day wheels now?
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Er, a Phantom.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Me favourite car in the whole wide world.
0:30:56 > 0:30:5912 funnels of fun there, Jezza!
0:30:59 > 0:31:04- It is the most fantabulous piece of engineering.- Ever.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08When I turned 60, I thought, "I'm gonna get meself something special."
0:31:08 > 0:31:11- Are you over 60?!- I'm 62 in October.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Hoo-hoo! I'm impressed.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17I am very... Rock'n'roll has suited you.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Yeah, aye, but...
0:31:19 > 0:31:24Obviously, we could sit here and talk cars, and I'd be happy to do that
0:31:24 > 0:31:25literally all day long,
0:31:25 > 0:31:28but you came down to do your lap. How was it?
0:31:28 > 0:31:31The best time I've had since I started the tour.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34I've been sitting in the back of a car getting driven everywhere.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37I just had a great time.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41Who here would like to see Brian's lap?
0:31:41 > 0:31:43- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Let's play the tape. Let's have a look how you got on.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49OK...
0:31:49 > 0:31:53# Is you is or is you ain't my baby..? #
0:31:53 > 0:31:58Let's see if this love of cars translates into an ability to drive well.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00That's... Yeah,
0:32:00 > 0:32:02stabbing that one in nicely... Ooh, I say.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04That was good.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Nice and easy, like gravy.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Wouldn't have thought gravy was easy, but there we are,
0:32:11 > 0:32:14that's tidy as well. No real problems there.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Keep it cool, yeah, son.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17Go on, son!
0:32:17 > 0:32:21You're being smooth and violent at the same time,
0:32:21 > 0:32:24which is quite an achievement. That's perfect.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26That is bang on.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29# Oh, you must remember this... #
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Concentrate.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34No need to ask if you were flat out through there.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40I'm guessing this'll be quick. It is!
0:32:40 > 0:32:43And now we're coming up to the second to last corner.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45That's beautifully done.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Gambon, is that going to catch you out?
0:32:47 > 0:32:51No...!
0:32:51 > 0:32:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:59 > 0:33:04Because it looks like when Ellen MacArthur came here -
0:33:04 > 0:33:09not dramatic, but you just looked quick. So...
0:33:09 > 0:33:13Where do you think? I wouldn't bother looking down here...
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Anywhere in the second middle!
0:33:16 > 0:33:19- What, this?- Yeah, just about there.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21With Hugh Grant and so on.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23- That would be nice. - I've got the time there.
0:33:23 > 0:33:27So what are we looking at? Jay Kay is up at the top, 1.45.8.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Kevin McCloud, Simon Cowell, 1.45.9s...
0:33:30 > 0:33:35So, Brian Johnson, the man nobody had ever heard of...
0:33:37 > 0:33:39..you did it in, well... One...
0:33:39 > 0:33:42forty...
0:33:42 > 0:33:44I've forgotten.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48You're killin' us!
0:33:48 > 0:33:52- ..five... - AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:33:52 > 0:33:55..point nine.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58You are the second fastest man!
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Brian Johnson, everybody!
0:34:04 > 0:34:06CHEERING
0:34:09 > 0:34:11APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:34:11 > 0:34:17Exactly the same as Kevin McCloud off Grand Designs, Simon Cowell,
0:34:17 > 0:34:19- Brian Johnson!- Brilliant!
0:34:19 > 0:34:23Jay Kay will have just babbered himself!
0:34:23 > 0:34:29I've so enjoyed having you here today. I'm just amazed how many gifts God bestowed you with!
0:34:29 > 0:34:35Great singing voice, nice chap, anonymity, and now can drive a car like an angel.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Johnson!
0:34:37 > 0:34:40APPLAUSE
0:34:40 > 0:34:43What a man! What a man!
0:34:43 > 0:34:46Well done!
0:34:51 > 0:34:56Earlier on, we bought three classic cars from an auction.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58A 1953 Lanchester,
0:34:58 > 0:35:03- a 1977 Citroen Ami 8 and a 1969 MG Midget.- It's a Healey!
0:35:03 > 0:35:05- BOTH: It's a Midget. - It's just a Midget!
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Anyway, we then discovered, after we'd bought the cars,
0:35:08 > 0:35:12that we had just two weeks and hardly any money to get them ready
0:35:12 > 0:35:17for something called a Regularity Time Trial Rally, which was in Majorca.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27Sadly, Hammond had spent all his budget, and lots more besides,
0:35:27 > 0:35:30getting the Lanchester his granddad had built to work.
0:35:30 > 0:35:35But for once, Jeremy had done a good job, and as usual, so had I.
0:35:35 > 0:35:41However, before we could get going, we were given new instructions.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43On a classic rally,
0:35:43 > 0:35:48you need a co-driver to operate the timing gear and read the maps.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52But don't worry, the producers have provided one for each of you.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54- They've...- I'm not worried.
0:35:54 > 0:35:59My betting is these co-drivers, whatever we've got in our mind now,
0:35:59 > 0:36:02- I'm not certain... - Is not what they have provided.
0:36:04 > 0:36:11We weren't wrong. James had been given Madison Welsh, a glamour model...
0:36:11 > 0:36:15- Hello.- ..who has no interest at all in classic rallying.
0:36:15 > 0:36:20- Have you honestly never done it? Not as a hobby or something? - I've never done it!- Seriously?
0:36:20 > 0:36:24- Serious!- For me, things just keep getting better.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28Because this is my co-driver, his name is Joan Verger,
0:36:28 > 0:36:32he is the president of the Balearic Motorsport Federation
0:36:32 > 0:36:34and an ex-Seat works driver.
0:36:34 > 0:36:39Presumably you know the roads in the north like the back of your hand.
0:36:39 > 0:36:43The mountain...roads.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Do you speak...?
0:36:46 > 0:36:49- Don't tell me he doesn't speak Eng... - HE SPEAKS IN SPANISH
0:36:49 > 0:36:52No entiendo. No comprendo.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56JEREMY BURSTS OUT LAUGHING
0:36:56 > 0:36:58Um...
0:36:58 > 0:37:04Richard, meanwhile, had been given a keen amateur mechanic called Brian Wheeler.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06OK...
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Brian.
0:37:09 > 0:37:14No, it does that, it's fine. Imagine this in a rallying situation.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18The idea is we get points deducted for being early or late,
0:37:18 > 0:37:22- at the checkpoints we have to get to.- I can't see.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25Granddad didn't think of that when he built it.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29The co-drivers didn't fill us with much confidence.
0:37:29 > 0:37:34And then we saw the cars we'd be up against.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38There were Lancia Stratoses, Mustangs,
0:37:38 > 0:37:41Corvettes and endless Porsches.
0:37:41 > 0:37:46- 10 911s, 11, 12...- I've never seen so many 911s.- 13.
0:37:46 > 0:37:51- This Mustang is in our category. - Oh, my God, how am I going to compete against that?!
0:37:51 > 0:37:54And then we got even more bad news...
0:37:54 > 0:37:59- Fantastic.- You've had a great day? - Yeah.- Well, when did it start?
0:37:59 > 0:38:05Last night was the first stage, and this morning at 8.30am, we were out there. So, yeah.
0:38:05 > 0:38:10- Five.- OK...- Five stages, yeah. - Five stages.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14- OK. Thank you for that. - What were they saying?
0:38:14 > 0:38:19I don't know how this has happened. I imagine it's James's fault,
0:38:19 > 0:38:25but we thought the rally started tomorrow morning. It turns out it actually started two days ago.
0:38:27 > 0:38:32So, even before we'd started, we knew we had no chance of winning.
0:38:32 > 0:38:38- At the very least, we are competing against each other.- Why don't we just make it a private race?
0:38:38 > 0:38:43- Whatever it is, it requires precision and patience, so you won't win.- I bet you £25
0:38:43 > 0:38:48- that I beat you.- Three-way bet. - All right.- All right.
0:38:50 > 0:38:56And so, the next morning, two days late, with the wrong co-drivers and the wrong cars...
0:38:56 > 0:39:00Does anybody here know how to zero the trip on an Austin Healey Sprite?
0:39:01 > 0:39:04..we set off.
0:39:04 > 0:39:05Go!
0:39:07 > 0:39:11We've got no gear.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Not got a lot to talk about.
0:39:20 > 0:39:25We had to arrive at various checkpoints at specified times
0:39:25 > 0:39:29and then complete a number of special stages on closed roads
0:39:29 > 0:39:34at a precise average speed. This wouldn't be easy in the Healey.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36This is ridiculous.
0:39:36 > 0:39:42My speedometer is saying I'm doing 60mph when I'm doing about 30...
0:39:42 > 0:39:47no, 20. How are we going to be able to do average speeds when this is saying 60mph?
0:39:47 > 0:39:54When we stop at the next bit, I'll write down some speed and distance formulae for you
0:39:54 > 0:40:00so you can work out average speeds. There's only two you need to know. How fast we've been going,
0:40:00 > 0:40:04how fast we need to go or how long we've taken so far.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06You can use the two stopwatches,
0:40:06 > 0:40:10- so you can say for ten minutes... - Mountains!
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Does this car smell... healthy to you?
0:40:15 > 0:40:20Actually, there is a slightly, um, oily smell.
0:40:21 > 0:40:25So the roundabout is at 127, so add another 1km...
0:40:25 > 0:40:29MOBILE RINGS RINGTONE: "Barbie Girl" by Aqua
0:40:29 > 0:40:33Hello? ..Hello!
0:40:33 > 0:40:35'Still. Could be worse.'
0:40:36 > 0:40:40Granddad didn't do the cooling system, so it can be a bit...
0:40:42 > 0:40:44It's all falling out.
0:40:47 > 0:40:52- So how long should we wait?- About half an hour, for it to cool down.
0:40:52 > 0:40:57- So we'll then have to go faster to make the...- We will have to go a lot faster and, um...
0:40:57 > 0:41:02- break a few rules, I think. - It can't go much faster.
0:41:02 > 0:41:06JAMES: 'Jeremy, meanwhile, was getting into the spirit of amateur rallying.'
0:41:06 > 0:41:11Loser! Loser!
0:41:14 > 0:41:19We then arrived at the first closed-road stage,
0:41:19 > 0:41:24which we would have to complete at a specified average speed.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27- The speed...- Zero.- Si... The speed.
0:41:27 > 0:41:31This...at what speed? Quanto...
0:41:32 > 0:41:35Quanto...?
0:41:35 > 0:41:37- Which one's too tight?- That one.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Are you sure?
0:41:40 > 0:41:46It's difficult to do this without actually getting hold of the work of the divine potter.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49- Perfecto...- No, what? 50?- Bien...
0:41:49 > 0:41:5350... No? Um...
0:41:53 > 0:41:57I decided to just do it flat out.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59We're going!
0:42:01 > 0:42:04Down into second... Clip the apex!
0:42:04 > 0:42:07'This made Joan very angry!'
0:42:07 > 0:42:10- No, rapido, no!- No, perfecto!
0:42:10 > 0:42:13What's that mean?!
0:42:13 > 0:42:18- Plus lentement? Rapido? Tranquilo? - Tranquilo, tranquilo.- Rapido.
0:42:18 > 0:42:22'Meanwhile, in the Open University...'
0:42:22 > 0:42:27When we get to this next one, stop that stopwatch and start that one at exactly the same time.
0:42:27 > 0:42:32You then have a record of that one and that one is then timing it to the next one.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35In fact, don't. That'll confuse us, because we have to take it away.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38Leave that one running. Jot down what the time said.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Yeah?
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Yeah.
0:42:45 > 0:42:48We still weren't at the first stage,
0:42:48 > 0:42:51and Brian was less than impressed with Granddad's Lanchester.
0:42:51 > 0:42:55- THUD - Ouch!- Suspension's good, then.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57- It is.- I hardly felt it on this side.
0:42:59 > 0:43:01It's good, yes? Finish?
0:43:01 > 0:43:03What time? Show me the time.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Time! Time, Manuel!
0:43:05 > 0:43:08Can't see, can't... I've no idea.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11I've just done something and I don't know what it was.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13'As it turned out,
0:43:13 > 0:43:15'what I'd done is go way too fast,
0:43:15 > 0:43:20'which meant Joan had to do yet more sums.'
0:43:21 > 0:43:22Maths.
0:43:22 > 0:43:26Can't talk to him. He's doing... literally sitting a maths exam.
0:43:26 > 0:43:30But I bet the conversation in the bar at night is fun.
0:43:30 > 0:43:32"I did more maths than you today."
0:43:32 > 0:43:34"No, you didn't,
0:43:34 > 0:43:36"I did more maths than you."
0:43:36 > 0:43:38HE GROANS
0:43:38 > 0:43:42'In fact, the only person enjoying this less than me
0:43:42 > 0:43:44'was James' co-driver.'
0:43:44 > 0:43:48- Divide 60 by 55. - Why do you keep saying that?
0:43:48 > 0:43:50It's a 60 thing, like the Assyrians had.
0:43:50 > 0:43:53There's not 100 seconds in a minute, there are 60,
0:43:53 > 0:43:58- and that is a decimal... - What?- Times 0.85 by 60.- Do you just like saying different numbers?
0:43:58 > 0:44:00- What do I do at this roundabout? - Huh?
0:44:00 > 0:44:03- What do I do at this roundabout? - What roundabout?
0:44:05 > 0:44:09RICHARD: 'Brian and I had finally arrived at the first stage.
0:44:09 > 0:44:10'However...'
0:44:14 > 0:44:15Bloody 'ell!
0:44:23 > 0:44:24It's 40.
0:44:24 > 0:44:2640 miles an hour.
0:44:26 > 0:44:31So I'm driving about half the speed my car can go in order to win.
0:44:33 > 0:44:38£25 is riding on this, Joan, £25, which is about 25 euros...
0:44:38 > 0:44:40thanks to Mr Brown.
0:44:41 > 0:44:46'To be honest, though, right now, my money was pretty safe.'
0:44:46 > 0:44:51There would only be other cars here if they were lost in exactly the same way as us.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55JAMES COUGHS
0:44:55 > 0:44:56Left or right?
0:44:56 > 0:44:59- That way.- Do you know that or are you just guessing?
0:44:59 > 0:45:02There is a left somewhere. Is it only...?
0:45:02 > 0:45:04There's hundreds of lefts in it.
0:45:08 > 0:45:10I prefer you do too.
0:45:10 > 0:45:12Don't do... Please, don't do that.
0:45:13 > 0:45:15- BEEP - Now! Go, go, go, go!
0:45:15 > 0:45:20RICHARD: 'Finally, we were doing our first stage. However...'
0:45:20 > 0:45:23- Where do I go now, Brian? - Forward! Forward!
0:45:23 > 0:45:26Can you see out of the car exactly where we're going or not?
0:45:26 > 0:45:29- Well, I can see sort of the hills and the sky.- Right.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32- I'll tell you what's happening in front of us.- Straight ahead.
0:45:32 > 0:45:36- I can't get this gear.- It's a very big steering wheel, isn't it?
0:45:36 > 0:45:41- Granddad liked to make sure you had good, proper-sized wheels. - It makes you look smaller.
0:45:41 > 0:45:43Well, now, erm... OK.
0:45:43 > 0:45:46Oh, God, look at the steam coming out the bonnet.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48Oh, my word!
0:45:48 > 0:45:51'Realising he'd got off to a bad start,
0:45:51 > 0:45:54'James was now trying to charm Maddie
0:45:54 > 0:45:56'with some romantic conversation.'
0:45:56 > 0:46:00It's not actually an overdrive, but you need to treat it as one.
0:46:00 > 0:46:02It's actually a ratio of 1 to 1.
0:46:02 > 0:46:06- It simply locks the input shaft to the output shaft.- I don't know what you're talking about.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11Do you actually do anything to your hair?
0:46:11 > 0:46:12I wash it occasionally.
0:46:12 > 0:46:16- SHE GASPS You should wear a hair band.- No.
0:46:21 > 0:46:23Oh, why couldn't we get one of them?
0:46:23 > 0:46:26That's a nice car. I bet that don't overheat.
0:46:30 > 0:46:32RICHARD: 'Just after lunch, we made it to the lunch stop,
0:46:32 > 0:46:35'where Jeremy explained that Brian and I
0:46:35 > 0:46:40'had amassed the biggest number of penalty points in rallying history.'
0:46:40 > 0:46:42So, I've got 3,600 points, the lowest points worth.
0:46:42 > 0:46:46You've got 41,897.
0:46:46 > 0:46:49And you've got 44,000.
0:46:49 > 0:46:52- It's quite close between you two. - Yeah.
0:46:52 > 0:46:55RICHARD: 'To punish Jeremy for his smugness,
0:46:55 > 0:46:57'we decided to modify his car.'
0:46:57 > 0:46:59That is now the heating jammed on?
0:46:59 > 0:47:03- Yes, the only way to turn it off is to stop...- And open the bonnet.
0:47:03 > 0:47:06Lose vital seconds, or hours in his case,
0:47:06 > 0:47:09because he won't be able to work out how to do that.
0:47:09 > 0:47:13'But as we headed off to the afternoon stages,
0:47:13 > 0:47:17'strangely, it was in the Citroen where things were getting hot.'
0:47:17 > 0:47:20- I think it's in there. - I can feel it.
0:47:20 > 0:47:22- Yeah, it's a little tube.- There.
0:47:22 > 0:47:25- Yeah.- Ooh! That's little!
0:47:25 > 0:47:26Right.
0:47:26 > 0:47:28Now, pout.
0:47:29 > 0:47:32You can't have cracked lips.
0:47:32 > 0:47:35RICHARD: I changed from first to third
0:47:35 > 0:47:38in my gearbox, which means technically, I short shifted.
0:47:40 > 0:47:44When I say short, I don't mean that... I'm not being rude.
0:47:44 > 0:47:46You keep saying short, don't you?
0:47:46 > 0:47:50No, I meant I short shifted. I wasn't being clever.
0:47:52 > 0:47:54In the Healey,
0:47:54 > 0:47:56my lunchtime smugness was starting to look premature.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58Hello?
0:47:58 > 0:47:59Ooh, God.
0:47:59 > 0:48:01GEAR SHIFT GRATES ROUGHLY
0:48:01 > 0:48:03No clutch.
0:48:03 > 0:48:04- No!- No!
0:48:04 > 0:48:08'This meant I'd have to choose one gear for the stage
0:48:08 > 0:48:10'and then stick with it.' Here we go.
0:48:10 > 0:48:13GEAR SHIFT GRATES ROUGHLY
0:48:13 > 0:48:15SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:48:15 > 0:48:17- Perfect, perfect.- Yes.
0:48:19 > 0:48:23It's all going wrong for us this afternoon!
0:48:23 > 0:48:26Also, I think the heater is on. Do you know how to turn it off?
0:48:26 > 0:48:29'But Joan wasn't going to let anything mess up his maths.'
0:48:29 > 0:48:32- IN SPANISH: Dale, dale! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:48:32 > 0:48:34Vaaaa!
0:48:34 > 0:48:35We've got one gear, I can do nothing!
0:48:35 > 0:48:38Vamos, vamos! Va, va, va!
0:48:38 > 0:48:42I can't reach 50 kilometres an hour on this. It's impossible.
0:48:42 > 0:48:45- Bueno, bueno. Fast, fast, fast! - Yes, yes, yes.
0:48:45 > 0:48:47TYRES SCREECH
0:48:47 > 0:48:49Your handbag's in the way. God!
0:48:49 > 0:48:53- They're laughing at the car. - They're not. They're cheering us on.
0:48:53 > 0:48:55OK, if you say so.
0:48:55 > 0:48:57Why don't they speak English?
0:48:57 > 0:48:58Because they're Spanish.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01RICHARD: 'Following the shambles of the morning,
0:49:01 > 0:49:03'Brian was now in a right mood.'
0:49:03 > 0:49:07- Anything to let me know about?- No.
0:49:07 > 0:49:12- What about this massive tight left-hand bend here? - I haven't got a map of the route.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14What?
0:49:14 > 0:49:17I haven't got a map of the route.
0:49:17 > 0:49:22Come on, you should talk to me. There should be a constant stream of instructions issuing from you.
0:49:22 > 0:49:23Left turn coming up.
0:49:23 > 0:49:24In a hairpin.
0:49:24 > 0:49:28You're just telling me things you can see out the window now you've got a cushion!
0:49:28 > 0:49:29HE GROANS WITH EXERTION
0:49:36 > 0:49:39- Vaya a la derecha. - We're losing the brakes.
0:49:39 > 0:49:43- I'm losing the brakes.- Perfecto. Vaya, vaya.
0:49:43 > 0:49:46'Because the Healey was in such a bad way,
0:49:46 > 0:49:50'I managed to cross the line in a slow enough time for once.'
0:49:50 > 0:49:53- We've finished.- Yay! Yay! - Is that good?
0:49:53 > 0:49:56- Is that good?- Ooh!
0:49:56 > 0:49:57JEREMY LAUGHS
0:49:59 > 0:50:02And the Love Boat finished on time as well.
0:50:02 > 0:50:05- 7.46.- Yep. Spot on.
0:50:08 > 0:50:09HORNS BLARE
0:50:09 > 0:50:12Meanwhile, back in PC world...
0:50:14 > 0:50:18I didn't mean Jeremy's car was rubbish because it's a Midget.
0:50:18 > 0:50:20I just meant that's what it is.
0:50:20 > 0:50:21It's an MG Midget...
0:50:21 > 0:50:23It... I'm sorry.
0:50:23 > 0:50:26RUMBLING
0:50:26 > 0:50:28Brian, it's making a bad noise.
0:50:28 > 0:50:29And a bad smell.
0:50:29 > 0:50:35This is... I think I may have to stop for a moment.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38'This meant Richard would miss the final checkpoint of the day.
0:50:40 > 0:50:43'James and I had no problems, though,
0:50:43 > 0:50:45'because all we had to do was stick to a motorway.
0:50:45 > 0:50:49'It was therefore impossible to get lost.'
0:50:49 > 0:50:51- Which way?- Straight on.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54- Are you sure?- No.
0:50:54 > 0:50:56Yeah, let's go there, it looks pretty.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59You don't go there because it's pretty.
0:50:59 > 0:51:01Well, there should be signs and there isn't.
0:51:01 > 0:51:04Can you not work out...? Please can you take your hat off.
0:51:04 > 0:51:08Please. Sorry, it's really lovely, but I can't see the cars coming.
0:51:08 > 0:51:11- Thanks.- Now I've got flat hair. - That's not important.
0:51:11 > 0:51:13No, I want it in the front.
0:51:13 > 0:51:17'Mind you, it wasn't exactly plain sailing for me either.'
0:51:17 > 0:51:20Come on, please, traffic. Please, please.
0:51:20 > 0:51:22How can they have a rush hour in Mallorca?
0:51:22 > 0:51:24Nobody does anything.
0:51:24 > 0:51:27Get up, throw a donkey off a tower block,
0:51:27 > 0:51:30sit in a plastic chair by the side of the road, go to bed.
0:51:30 > 0:51:33Where does the rush hour come from in that?
0:51:33 > 0:51:36Oh, God.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38'Day one, then,
0:51:38 > 0:51:43'of our first classic rally hadn't been a total success.
0:51:44 > 0:51:49'However, day two sounded promising, because we were at a track.
0:51:49 > 0:51:51'No more maths, no more stopwatches,
0:51:51 > 0:51:55'just hour after hour of pedal to the metal action.
0:51:55 > 0:51:57'Or so I thought.'
0:51:57 > 0:52:01Each group does two rounds of four rounds each.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03The first round of each round
0:52:03 > 0:52:08serving as a reference time for the following three rounds...
0:52:08 > 0:52:10'It turned out we'd set a time on our first lap
0:52:10 > 0:52:14'and then we'd win if we matched that time on the next three.'
0:52:14 > 0:52:17- Is that clear?- No, I've got a question.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19If you break down on your first lap,
0:52:19 > 0:52:22- do you have to then break down on the subsequent three laps? - LAUGHTER
0:52:22 > 0:52:27RICHARD: 'I decided to break down before we started.'
0:52:27 > 0:52:31Oh, God! Have you seen the oil raining off my chassis?
0:52:31 > 0:52:33- Oh!- It's just raining oil!
0:52:33 > 0:52:37Come on, she'll do it. She's got to do it. She's a good old girl.
0:52:37 > 0:52:41That's fallen off. That's all... Yeah, I meant that.
0:52:41 > 0:52:44THEME TUNE TO "LOVE STORY" PLAYS
0:52:48 > 0:52:52- Have you done the other side? - You're going to sparkle.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54If you or I had done that,
0:52:54 > 0:52:56- he would kill us. - Yes, he would.
0:52:59 > 0:53:02'We then hit the track to set our benchmark lap times.
0:53:02 > 0:53:06'And I decided, because the Healey was stuck in third,
0:53:06 > 0:53:08'to keep things steady.'
0:53:08 > 0:53:11Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
0:53:11 > 0:53:15Set a nice, smooth lap time.
0:53:15 > 0:53:16Looking good.
0:53:16 > 0:53:22'James, obviously trying to impress Maddie, was being more vigorous.'
0:53:22 > 0:53:25TYRES SCREECH Whoa!
0:53:25 > 0:53:28Like a cross-Channel ferry!
0:53:28 > 0:53:32- JAMES:- Your teddy bear on the spare wheel is not entirely helpful.
0:53:32 > 0:53:37RICHARD: 'In the Lanchester, it was business as usual.'
0:53:37 > 0:53:39Was it a sort of boiling hissing sound?
0:53:39 > 0:53:40No, it was a clunking sound.
0:53:40 > 0:53:43Oh, the temperature's right up as well.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45You've got to ease up, you've got to ease up.
0:53:45 > 0:53:47Yeah, but we've got to get the time.
0:53:47 > 0:53:52'Despite everything, though, even an official telling me to slow down,
0:53:52 > 0:53:55'we were all starting to enjoy ourselves.'
0:53:55 > 0:53:58I've seen more cars that I wanted to own today...
0:53:58 > 0:54:01and you can come here and you can talk to people,
0:54:01 > 0:54:06- use words like 16-valve and not be embarrassed.- You can be who you are,
0:54:06 > 0:54:09talk about cars, drive like a lunatic on a track.
0:54:09 > 0:54:13It's quite nice to be a car person again.
0:54:13 > 0:54:14It is.
0:54:15 > 0:54:17'Back on the track,
0:54:17 > 0:54:21'the Lanchester seemed to be behaving as normal.'
0:54:21 > 0:54:23- Temperature's gone right up.- Yeah.
0:54:23 > 0:54:27'I was therefore confident I'd matched my original lap time.'
0:54:27 > 0:54:30We did that 29 seconds faster.
0:54:30 > 0:54:32- Did we?- Yes.- Oh, God.
0:54:32 > 0:54:35That's a disaster if we're that far adrift.
0:54:35 > 0:54:42'In the Love Boat, James, unaware that Maddie had decorated his helmet even more,
0:54:42 > 0:54:44'was having the time of his life.'
0:54:44 > 0:54:46I think we're coming up to your first stopwatch point.
0:54:46 > 0:54:49Two minutes 36.
0:54:49 > 0:54:51- Right, reset, then.- Reset.
0:54:51 > 0:54:531.34, 2.36.
0:54:53 > 0:54:55134, 236.
0:54:55 > 0:54:57There you go.
0:54:57 > 0:55:04'Sadly, our efforts were a bit pointless, because all Jeremy had to do to win overall victory
0:55:04 > 0:55:06'was run calm and steady.
0:55:06 > 0:55:08'And he knew that.'
0:55:08 > 0:55:12He who shall be slowest shall be first.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14'But then...'
0:55:14 > 0:55:16Mmm...
0:55:16 > 0:55:18I've got a big Mustang up my trumpet.
0:55:19 > 0:55:22I don't like being overtaken.
0:55:22 > 0:55:24It's a sign of weakness.
0:55:24 > 0:55:25Let's have him.
0:55:26 > 0:55:29O-o-o-o-oh! Power!
0:55:29 > 0:55:31TYRES SCREECH
0:55:33 > 0:55:35What's Jeremy doing?
0:55:35 > 0:55:37Out of my way!
0:55:37 > 0:55:39TYRES SCREECH
0:55:39 > 0:55:40Oh, yes!
0:55:41 > 0:55:45No-o-o, no-o-o, no-o-o!
0:55:45 > 0:55:48'My little car may have been a bit broken,
0:55:48 > 0:55:50'but I wasn't going to let it get beaten.'
0:55:52 > 0:55:54Ah-ha! You weren't ready for that!
0:55:56 > 0:55:57'Joan even forgot the maths.'
0:55:57 > 0:55:59Grrrrrrr!
0:56:02 > 0:56:04No, this is very bad!
0:56:04 > 0:56:07Oh, yes!
0:56:07 > 0:56:10Yes, what do you think of that!
0:56:10 > 0:56:11Loser!
0:56:11 > 0:56:14'But then the penny dropped.'
0:56:15 > 0:56:20What I've done, I think, is accidentally got involved in a race with a Mustang
0:56:20 > 0:56:22and ruined my time.
0:56:23 > 0:56:27'Back at the pits, there was even more bad news.'
0:56:27 > 0:56:29- So James May was perfect?- Yes.
0:56:29 > 0:56:32Damn it. I don't want to hear that.
0:56:32 > 0:56:36James, you might be in with a shout at beating me.
0:56:36 > 0:56:37Have you got your lap times?
0:56:37 > 0:56:42They're pretty consistent. But we're only doing it to the nearest second.
0:56:42 > 0:56:44He was only doing it to the nearest second!
0:56:44 > 0:56:45Hammond,
0:56:45 > 0:56:48- he may have a flower on his helmet...- What?
0:56:48 > 0:56:50..but he's still James May, so...
0:56:50 > 0:56:52Have you put a flower on it as well?
0:56:52 > 0:56:55That's what I was laughing at, there's a flower on your hat.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57- Have a look.- Bloody hell.
0:56:59 > 0:57:03'We now had to wait to see if James had pipped me at the post.
0:57:03 > 0:57:06'But either way, it didn't really matter,
0:57:06 > 0:57:08'because our three King's Lynn crocks
0:57:08 > 0:57:10'had made it to the finishing line.
0:57:10 > 0:57:15'And on the way, they'd wormed their way into our hearts.
0:57:15 > 0:57:18'In short, on this glorious island,
0:57:18 > 0:57:22'all of us, in our own way, had fallen a little bit in love.'
0:57:26 > 0:57:29APPLAUSE
0:57:29 > 0:57:31APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:57:31 > 0:57:35This is the bet, £25.
0:57:35 > 0:57:36Yeah.
0:57:36 > 0:57:39- £25.- So, who do I give it to?
0:57:39 > 0:57:41Who do I give it to?
0:57:41 > 0:57:44You give it, Richard Hammond,
0:57:44 > 0:57:45to James May.
0:57:45 > 0:57:51- What?!- He is the winner. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:57:51 > 0:57:53Thank you.
0:57:53 > 0:57:58Anyway, I have to say, all of us have fallen in love with the cars we had out there
0:57:58 > 0:58:00to such an extent that for the first time ever,
0:58:00 > 0:58:04after a film, all three of us have actually bought them from the BBC.
0:58:04 > 0:58:08I had to buy the Lanchester, Granddad built it, it's part of the family.
0:58:08 > 0:58:10I do have a bit of a disappointment for you on that,
0:58:10 > 0:58:12because, you see, I discovered -
0:58:12 > 0:58:17- before the rally began, if I'm honest, um... - LAUGHTER
0:58:17 > 0:58:24How can I put this? This particular Lanchester was built by Barkers, not Mulliners.
0:58:24 > 0:58:28- What?- Which means that what you've done is bought at great expense
0:58:28 > 0:58:30a car built by SOMEBODY'S granddad.
0:58:30 > 0:58:35- LAUGHTER Oh, God!- On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to end.
0:58:35 > 0:58:37See you next week. Good night.
0:58:55 > 0:58:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:58 > 0:59:01E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk