0:00:11 > 0:00:14Tonight, Richard has a crisis...
0:00:14 > 0:00:15RICHARD LAUGHS
0:00:15 > 0:00:18..some sheep on our track,
0:00:18 > 0:00:21and James and I go to the lavatory.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:35Good evening! Hello! Hello, everybody. Thank you very much!
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Thank you very much! Thank you!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Thank you!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Yes, and welcome to the final show in the series.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45AUDIENCE: Ah!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Sad. Now, as I'm sure you know,
0:00:48 > 0:00:53we don't often do consumer advice on this show. But tonight, we are.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Because if you were in the market for a large, fast, spacious,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01executive saloon car, you'd imagine that you'd be spoilt for choice.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Me, too.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05However, Richard Hammond, who is quite mad,
0:01:05 > 0:01:10has decided that every single one of them has a fatal flaw.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15It really doesn't matter which one you pick.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Take this, for example - the Audi S4.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23Yes, it's fast, and it's well built and it's safe.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26But it has one big problem -
0:01:26 > 0:01:29it's built entirely for businessmen.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32And real businessmen are not The Apprentice,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Dragons' Den, Richard Branson, all helicopters and hostile takeovers.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39They're actually quite dull.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41And work in Swindon.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Their cars aren't cars.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47They're uniforms - silver or black paint,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50maybe a splash of wood on the dash, and that's your lot.
0:01:50 > 0:01:56It doesn't matter where you go - Audi, Mercedes, BMW - they're all so obsessed with what each other
0:01:56 > 0:02:01is doing that they all end up making exactly the same car.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08So, if you don't want a businessman's sports saloon, what do you do?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Especially if, like me, you're a bit of a...
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Yes, what we need right now is something to come and save the day.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23This looks promising.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29If you were watching earlier in the series,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31you'll have seen Jeremy going on about a car
0:02:31 > 0:02:35that sounds like it's having a Lady Chatterley crisis.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38And this is it.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42The Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst edition.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47The interesting bit there is the Bathurst bit.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Because this car is Australian,
0:02:49 > 0:02:53and the Bathurst is Australia's most famous race.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Basically, it's a place where Holden and Ford fans go to have a massive fist fight.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00And then in the interval, when the paramedics go in,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02sometimes a car race breaks out.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08And this car, with its supercharged 6.2 litre V8,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10is one hell of a fist fight.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14I just love the sound of a supercharger.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16That whine, you can hear it now, that shriek.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21It's an Outback choir, you've got the tenor of the supercharger
0:03:21 > 0:03:23and then the base of the V8.
0:03:24 > 0:03:30And it gets better, this button here, it says "Bimodal" on it.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32And if I press that, it adjusts valves and things,
0:03:32 > 0:03:36in the exhaust system, and makes it louder.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41What this car does is go to 11.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I fear that anyone who likes the Bathurst
0:03:44 > 0:03:47is probably quite a bad businessman.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51The world of PowerPoints will not take you seriously.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55But the consolation is, when your business does eventually go bust,
0:03:55 > 0:04:00there's no way in hell will the bailiff will ever catch you! Ha-ha!
0:04:00 > 0:04:040-60 takes just 4.6 seconds.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Top speed, a limited 155mph.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Of course, the Germans will do that, too.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16But they won't dish out as much fun when you do this.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20HE LAUGHS
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Apparently, the suspension is adjustable.
0:04:24 > 0:04:29Presumably from oversteer to... "Oh, dear, we've just crashed!"
0:04:31 > 0:04:32RICHARD LAUGHS
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Just astonishing!
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I'm sorry, if this car doesn't move you, that is your problem,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41not the car's. It's just a fact.
0:04:45 > 0:04:52It costs £45,000, and for that, you get almost limitless vulgarity.
0:04:52 > 0:04:57No spoiler is too big. No vent is too gaping.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00No supercharger too red.
0:05:00 > 0:05:06In short, the perfect fast saloon for anyone who's not a businessman.
0:05:06 > 0:05:13I'm thinking, actors, vicars, professors, erm, children.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17But what if you're a builder or a farmer,
0:05:17 > 0:05:21or anyone who has to move around loads of stuff?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24They really are in a petrol-head wasteland, because often as not,
0:05:24 > 0:05:29they have to drive about in something as slow and dull as this.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I'm sure it's practical, but 0-60 comes up in...
0:05:32 > 0:05:35well, I've been on the go some time and it hasn't happened yet.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37And that's just not fair.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45Ideally, what you need is a combination of that...and that.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48If only such a thing existed.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54And for the second time today,
0:05:54 > 0:05:58unfortunately, it's Australia that comes to the rescue.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06This is called the Maloo, which, in Aborigine, means thunder.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Now, strictly speaking, because it's Australian,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16this isn't a pick-up, it's a ute.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20And you can now buy it in this country for £37,000,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22which sounds like quite a lot.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25But you haven't seen yet how it can enrich your life.
0:06:27 > 0:06:33Say you're at the lights next to the IT boy in his supercharged Audi.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34ENGINES REV
0:06:34 > 0:06:37In a normal pick-up, when the lights went green,
0:06:37 > 0:06:41he'd leave you in a cloud of business dust.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Not in this one.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Reining him in! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I'm sorry, fella!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57This is the fastest ute in the world.
0:06:59 > 0:07:030-60, five seconds. Top speed, limited to 155.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07That means you can worry people in 911s.
0:07:07 > 0:07:13And it's all down to a huge 419 horsepower, 6.2 litre V8.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20But that's enough maths. Time for a quick ute history lesson.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25It started in the 1930s, when a farmer's wife wrote to Ford of Australia,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29complaining that there was no car that could take her to church on a Sunday
0:07:29 > 0:07:31and the pigs to market on a Monday.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34The answer was, the ute, and the Australians
0:07:34 > 0:07:36have worshipped them ever since.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42You might think that because it's basically a piece of farm machinery
0:07:42 > 0:07:47with a big engine, drag racing is all it can do. Not so.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53The Maloo loves corners.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58In fact, it gets a bit carried away.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Ha-ha!
0:08:04 > 0:08:09Yep, there's no weight on the back end, so it is a bit lively!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16And adding weight to the back doesn't work that well, either.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Oh, no!
0:08:20 > 0:08:25My hay-based solution system needs refining, but the fact is,
0:08:25 > 0:08:30the next time you wake up and realise that you're not a businessman,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32but you like a fast car...
0:08:34 > 0:08:37..remember, the Aussies are here to help.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I had a good point, it's a good point.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Is that your idea of consumer advice?- Yes.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- You really are a steak and kidney lock opener, aren't you?- Oh, yes.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04But we must now find how fast these cars go round our track.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09And that of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Some say that he cut that man's hair.
0:09:17 > 0:09:24And that if HE compensated a soldier for getting wounded, he wouldn't try to take it all back again.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26CHEERING
0:09:26 > 0:09:27All we know is, he's called the Stig!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30And they're off.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Extraordinary whining from the Bathurst, just distant
0:09:33 > 0:09:38thunder from the Maloo, as they go down to the first corner.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Straightaway, the front heavy ute is getting frisky.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Bathurst responding, with a slide!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Oh, my God, how many bagpipes are we hearing there? Two? Seven?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55One, with a hole in it?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58He's round Chicago and now we're at Hammerhead.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03Maloo does not look like the easiest thing in the world to drive.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06And the Bathurst is just a supercharged portable drift machine.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Look at it! Fantastic.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11BAGPIPE MUSIC CONTINUES
0:10:16 > 0:10:19That is literally the most painful drone I've heard
0:10:19 > 0:10:23since James tried to explain fuel-injection to me.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Two corners left.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Bathurst's really getting its tail out. And now, if we look,
0:10:28 > 0:10:33the Maloo is as well! Sideways cars from an upside-down country!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:35 > 0:10:41- OK. You first, Hammond. - OK.- Your pick-up truck.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46My pick-up truck did it in 1.27.1.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49It's as fast as an Aston Martin DB9!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50That's unbelievable!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52What a car!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Hang on, the Bathurst...
0:10:57 > 0:11:02the Bathurst did it in 1.26.3.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06So it's about the same as a BMW M5.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08And that really does make it the perfect car
0:11:08 > 0:11:11for anyone whose business is selling pegs and heather.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13LAUGHTER
0:11:13 > 0:11:17And now the news and the big news this week is a new Ferrari.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22Here it is. It's the F430 Scuderia convertible.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26And if you are one of the 499 people who have ordered one of those,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30all we have to say to you is, "You big daft cock."
0:11:30 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Big mistake.- Error. - A massive mistake.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Because while you were doing that, Ferrari were working on this.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- This is the replacement. - WHISTLING
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Well, yes, exactly. That's the 458 Italia.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47And I have to say, from the front, it looks absolutely exquisite,
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- but from the back, it looks even exquisiter.- How do you feel now?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53How do you feel now?
0:11:53 > 0:11:58It's just beautiful. And what's more, this is fantastic to drive.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00How can you possibly know that?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Nobody's driven it yet.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Because, a-ha! History teaches us this, because every single time
0:12:05 > 0:12:10the Ferrari Formula One team is doing well, their road cars are rubbish.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14And every time their Formula One car is doing badly, their road cars are brilliant.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16And this year, do you see what I'm saying?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19They can't win anything, even an egg-and-spoon race.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20He's right. The problem is,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23if you've only got 100 people working for you
0:12:23 > 0:12:28and 50 of them are completely bogged down designing a windscreen wiper for a road car,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31you haven't got enough people left to win the championship.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36And do you know why? Formula One cars are designed by men and men cannot do two things at once.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- No, that's a good point. We can't. - Am I right? Yes, exactly.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42We'll admit that, we cannot multi-task.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46"Don't ask me now, I'm putting this pen away.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"Now you can talk. Hold on.
0:12:48 > 0:12:53"OK, talk now. I breathed in. Hold, I'm breathing out." We can't do two...
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- Just breathing in and breathing out. - Is enough for us to be occupied. - Absolutely.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Now, people, can I just get serious for a moment? Would you mind?
0:13:01 > 0:13:06It's just that we've heard that over in Amsterdam at night, various drunken louts,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09there's no other word for them, have been picking up Smart cars,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12and throwing them into the canal. We've got a picture here.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17Seriously. No, no, no...really. Apparently, it only takes four people
0:13:17 > 0:13:20to pick one of those things up and just lob it in the drink.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Now, I bring this up, because I'm just slightly worried
0:13:23 > 0:13:28that over here in England people might start picking up those little electric gee-whizzes
0:13:28 > 0:13:32and throwing them in the river. Can you imagine how awful that would be for Mr Weird-beard
0:13:32 > 0:13:35if his pride and joy were to find itself in the Thames?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39I really cannot urge you enough not to do that.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46Now, you may have heard a few days ago that Michael Schumacher
0:13:46 > 0:13:49is standing in for the injured Felipe Massa, OK?
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Interesting timing. This is the last programme in our series.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56No more cars to test till November on the track.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Suddenly, he's available.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02We're not saying anything, it's just those are the facts.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Those are simply the facts.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Actually, I do want to talk about Felipe Massa.
0:14:07 > 0:14:13Obviously, he was injured in the Hungarian Grand Prix when a spring hit him
0:14:13 > 0:14:17in the face at 140mph. I'm just staggered he wasn't killed!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Yes, because he weighs about the same as what, a bag of sugar?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23The thing is, he was wearing one of those new regulation carbon-fibre
0:14:23 > 0:14:27crash helmets and they are unbelievably strong.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Because the injuries he's got, as far as I can work out, are very similar to the ones you got.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Yes, possibly, yes. Frontal lobe damage,
0:14:34 > 0:14:40so that's personality, emotional control, spatial awareness, all of that. Hopefully getting better.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Does that mean that if he gets better - and, God, we're all praying he does -
0:14:44 > 0:14:47that he's going to become an irritating little arse?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I mean, it's a thought.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59It could. You never know with brain damage.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Or he could come back to work and discover the people he works with are,
0:15:02 > 0:15:06well, they've become quite incredibly irritating.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09And quite fat. It can happen.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Anyway, look, Felipe, I know you're not watching,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15because you're in Italy or wherever, but we are thinking of you.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- Everybody here wishes you a speedy recovery.- Good luck.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21APPLAUSE
0:15:24 > 0:15:30Now, you know we used to say in the olden days that all bad drivers
0:15:30 > 0:15:33drove Volvos, particularly bikers, OK? Now this was a good thing,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35because you knew where the bad drivers were.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38You saw a Volvo, you knew it was a bad driver. All was well.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Then Volvo started making good cars, the T5 and so on,
0:15:41 > 0:15:46the bad drivers dispersed. We didn't know what they were in. So what are the bad drivers in?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I think quite a few ended up in Micras.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Nissan Micras? You might be right, yeah.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I think quite a few ended up in Kia Sedonas.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I think Korean cars in general. If I see one coming towards me, I pull over,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00get out, hide behind a tree until it's gone.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02You just don't want to take any chances.
0:16:02 > 0:16:08The thing is this, if you buy a rubbish car, what you are saying is, "I have no interest in cars."
0:16:08 > 0:16:12If you have no interest in cars, you have none in driving. If you have no interest in something,
0:16:12 > 0:16:16it means you're no good at it, which means you must have your driving licence taken away.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21I went on the internet this week to compile a series of clips
0:16:21 > 0:16:24of people having parking accidents, you know, minor bumps and scrapes.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28See if you can spot something that all the cars have in common?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Here we go. Now, what's that? That's a...
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Which one are we looking at? That one? That's a Hondo.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34AUDIENCE GASPS
0:16:34 > 0:16:39We're not talking here about a good driver, are we? Because they've got the pedals muddled up.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41OK, right, it's a Skoda!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Big gate there. Oh, dear, no.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- Worst car in the world, is it...? - It is, it's a Neon.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I believe this to be a Chrysler Neon.
0:16:56 > 0:17:02Anybody driving one of those, take their licence away or that will happen.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- It's incredible! - I think that is a Pontiac.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Yes! That's gone wrong.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Now here we are, we're in Britain for this one.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15That's a bad driver, he's got a bus but he's made it.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18And here comes the Honda! Oh! No!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21APPLAUSE
0:17:24 > 0:17:29It's a perfectly valid theory, because if you had absolutely no interest whatsoever in how
0:17:29 > 0:17:33the human body worked, you wouldn't get a job as a surgeon, would you?
0:17:33 > 0:17:37If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it. You shouldn't be allowed to do it.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Exactly. I mean, it would be like asking him to cook Sunday lunch.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45- Could you cook a Sunday lunch? - Yeah, you boil the meat or whatever...- You see?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49I'm not interested in food, so I'm not interested in cooking.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53There you are. You wouldn't ask him, because he's not interested, to cook you any food.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58You wouldn't ask me to do the washing up, you wouldn't ask James to direct a porn film.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:05You say that. I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving
0:18:09 > 0:18:11at the house of the woman in the stockings and negligee.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15"I've come to fix your boiler." And then you'd just fix it.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Might do. What's wrong with that?
0:18:22 > 0:18:27Now, that is the end of the news. So we are going to move on with this.
0:18:27 > 0:18:33Ever since 1963, when Volkswagen invented the concept
0:18:33 > 0:18:38of modern television advertising, they have been king of the hill. OK?
0:18:38 > 0:18:42And they still are, thanks to ads like this.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47This is the man who put a million on black...
0:18:47 > 0:18:49and it came up red.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55This is the man who married a sex kitten,
0:18:55 > 0:18:59just as she turned into a cat.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03This is the man who moved into gold,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05just as the clever money moved out.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14This is the man...who drives...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16a Volkswagen.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Everyone must have something in life he can rely on.
0:19:21 > 0:19:27Now, that's all very well, but you see, every week we make films in which the clouds go backwards,
0:19:27 > 0:19:33a supercar spins around, metaphors get tortured, and they last for what, five minutes, six minutes?
0:19:33 > 0:19:40Yes, quite. So how hard can it be for us to make a car advert, which is over in 30 seconds?
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Well, the producers decided that James and I should find out.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53Feeling like candidates for The Apprentice, the two of us got dressed up as ad men
0:19:53 > 0:19:58and went to the glittering west London offices of Goodyear, Stickleback and Bunsen Burner.
0:20:00 > 0:20:07There, the ad execs showed us the car we'd be advertising - a diesel version of the new Scirocco.
0:20:09 > 0:20:15What would be your suggestions, to do a commercial for a Volkswagen?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18At the heart of all good Volkswagen advertising, there is always a product truth.
0:20:18 > 0:20:24It's not sort of flimflam, it's always based on a truth that comes directly from the product.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26But you never did one that said, "The new Beetle -
0:20:26 > 0:20:30"celebrating over half a century of Europe's greatest mass murderer."
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- No, cos you pick on a truth that matters, you idiot.- What?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35You pick on a truth that matters.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40I think what you're saying is, if you take Peugeot, "The drive of your life,"
0:20:40 > 0:20:45that line has nothing to do with any Peugeot product, all of which are dreadful.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48It's just an ad man went, "The drive of your life" is a good line.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53That's that point there about you've got to look for it, you've got to try the product out,
0:20:53 > 0:20:58you've got to drive it, experience it, and find out what the real truths of the product are.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00We ought to go to drive the car.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07At first, things were looking good.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11The clever thing about this is, it doesn't really cost all that much more than a Golf.
0:21:11 > 0:21:18So, it costs the same as the Golf, but you stand out because you've got a Scirocco, which is better-looking.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Quality is exceptional.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26- Just the fit and finish of everything in here is superb.- Yes.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28It's practical for a coupe.
0:21:28 > 0:21:34I don't know of any coupe currently made that's got more space in the back then this has.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41Right, let's try some sporty driving and see if it's sporty. I'm gonna put it into sport.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48And here, on twisting, country lanes, there weren't any problems either.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- Brakes? - The brakes are good, actually.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52The brakes are good, steering's good.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57- So what you're saying is, as a sporty car, it's pretty good?- Yes.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02But we then got to the elephant in the corner.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Right, come on. Is it fast? Put your foot down.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11BOTH: Not.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16So, that's a good five seconds of absolutely nothing in fourth gear.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18But if I change to third, OK...
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Right.- ..then I run out of puff, so I've got to go back to fourth again!
0:22:21 > 0:22:25It's the same as all diesels, you have just a morsel, and then it's gone.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- So, performance?- No.- No.
0:22:30 > 0:22:36The bottom line is this - this particular Scirocco is a good car, ruined.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39We both agree, do we not? The car is a stupid idea.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42A car that looks like this should have a petrol engine.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Let's make that absolutely clear. Our personal view is that you should not buy this car.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49However, we are now charged with selling it.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- So, what?- What?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Back in Apprentice land,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59'we outlined the problem.'
0:22:59 > 0:23:05As far as I can make out, the Volkswagen Scirocco is a pretty car, and what they've done is,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08they've put the engine from a canal boat in it.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12And we have to somehow make that seem like a good thing.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16The idea of building that sort of car with that sort of engine deserves the strap line,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"What the bloody hell were you thinking of?"
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Which isn't really going to work as an advert.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- It's not, no.- You're starting from a negative, where you should
0:23:23 > 0:23:26start from a positive. You're saying, "You've ruined a Scirocco."
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Whereas, you should be saying, "You've improved diesel."- Ah!
0:23:29 > 0:23:34So that you make diesel more exciting, rather than make Scirocco less exciting.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Edward de Bono here has hit it on the head. We've made diesel more interesting.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Not VW Scirocco less interesting.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42You see, that's why he's sitting there.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45And we're sitting here in rubbish clothes.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49'James and I then tried some blue-sky thinking.'
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Imagine, if it just said, "Volkswagen Scirocco," across the screen, "Diesel."
0:23:53 > 0:23:56And then a polar bear just stood there and just went, "BOOM!"
0:23:58 > 0:24:00No. I'm going wrong.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04What if we do a campaign based around the idea of great ecclesiastical figures -
0:24:04 > 0:24:10from Thomas a Becket down - would have driven, had they had the chance, the Scirocco diesel?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Cos it would be shit.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15OK, what about the car just approaching in the distance,
0:24:15 > 0:24:20so you've got the advertising stuff with the road, that famous road that they use in Spain,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23where it winds round and the hills...you've got swelling music, and the Scirocco.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- No, that's a cliche. - I would just stop right there.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Are you listening to this, James?
0:24:28 > 0:24:34An advert has to say almost nothing. It's just got to go...WOW!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Hasn't it? And BANG! With a huge explosion.
0:24:38 > 0:24:44Well, point five on how to do a Volkswagen ad is, "Speak to the reader, don't shout, he can hear you.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46"Especially if you talk sense."
0:24:46 > 0:24:51- You don't blow his head off. - It's important that the advertising has intelligence.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54It can't just be explosions.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Feeling like ad men, we went to the lavatory.
0:25:00 > 0:25:06And then we went to the track, where I let Jeremy make our first intelligent advertisement.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10'The new VW Scirocco Diesel.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16'It's explosive!'
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- What d'you think of that? - It's rubbish.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26- Why is it rubbish? - It's not funny and it's not true.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31We've been to see those clever blokes in the agency, they've told us what VW advertising is like,
0:25:31 > 0:25:35how can you hint at 55 miles per gallon with an explosion?
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Well, what have you got?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44THEME FROM "MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE"
0:25:44 > 0:25:47'The new VW Scirocco Diesel produces 138 horsepower
0:25:47 > 0:25:50'and 236lb/ft of torque.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53'So it's faster than you might think.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57'And there's room in the back for your mother-in-law.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01'Unfortunately!
0:26:04 > 0:26:08'The Scirocco TDI - your mother-in-law will love it.'
0:26:08 > 0:26:12- That's the worst advert I've ever seen.- Your criticisms?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Way, way too much information. And mother-in-law jokes, James, I mean...
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I'm identifying my market.
0:26:17 > 0:26:23They're old people - old people made mother-in-law jokes, that'll make them feel useful.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Why didn't you get someone blacked-up going, "The Camptown Races"?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Cos they used to watch The Black And White Minstrel Show?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33James, it's not an idea. You can't tell mother-in-law jokes.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I fear you and I, we're going down two very separate roads here.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41'James decided to do more blue-sky thinking,
0:26:41 > 0:26:45'while I rushed off to make an ad that had no explosions in it.'
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Here we go.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Yeah, I was in a terrible accident.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Well, I ran out of petrol, I was on the hard shoulder
0:26:55 > 0:26:59waiting for the breakdown van, and I was hit by this massive truck.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Yeah, that happens a lot.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04But it won't happen to me.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I've got the new Scirocco Diesel.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It does 55 mpg!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14'The new Scirocco TDI -
0:27:14 > 0:27:18'for people who value their arms.'
0:27:18 > 0:27:20JEREMY LAUGHS
0:27:20 > 0:27:23So, the VW Scirocco driver is deeply unpleasant?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25He's not deeply unpleasant, it's funny!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Children love a bit of that. Old people love a bit of blood.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31- Old people won't like that. - It reminds them of the Blitz.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Think of the customer. You're saying, "Buy this car
0:27:33 > 0:27:37"if you're smug and you revel in other people's misfortune." You can't put that on a car ad!
0:27:37 > 0:27:41He's offering him advice! He's saying, "Get a Scirocco Diesel..."
0:27:41 > 0:27:45- It's a bit late, his arm's come off! - He'll have the other arm!
0:27:45 > 0:27:48OK, close-up on Jeremy's tongue, please.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50We pressed on with some more ideas.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- She loves me not...- Action!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I bet you any money this stays intact.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02- Did it?- No.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Right, right, right. Right, right, right. Left! Left!
0:28:06 > 0:28:10James then decided we needed a jingle.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13# Diesel Scirocco
0:28:13 > 0:28:16# Gets you down to Morocco
0:28:16 > 0:28:19# On one fill-up of diesel
0:28:19 > 0:28:21# At 55 mpg-iesel... #
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Then I decided we didn't need a jingle.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Yes! They're here! Imagine now, James.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Explosion! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Massive fire coming from the gunship...
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Left, left, left! Right, right! Left, left, left!
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Oh, for God's sake!
0:28:40 > 0:28:43- Action.- The New Scirocco Diesel.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Truly biblical economy.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50This isn't working, is it? I'm sorry.
0:28:51 > 0:28:57'Finally, after much trial and error, we had an ad that we could show to the Alan Sugars.'
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Check this out.
0:29:09 > 0:29:14'This is the new Scirocco TDI.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15'It's pretty fast.
0:29:19 > 0:29:24'But a Mazda RX8 will kick its backside.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28'And an Alfa Brera will vomit in its face.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34'They'll have to stop for fuel, though.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37'And you won't.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43'Get ahead. Get a new Scirocco TDI.'
0:29:47 > 0:29:53- Stunned is the word I'm...- The first thing I'd say is that, how fast is that Scirocco going?
0:29:53 > 0:29:57Do you ever see car adverts with cars going fast in them?
0:29:57 > 0:30:02So, you aren't allowed to show, in a car advert, a car going fast?
0:30:02 > 0:30:05- No.- No?- No.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Also, I suspect, with some enhanced sound.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12No, we never... No. There's... No, that was the real sound.
0:30:12 > 0:30:17- There's screeching tyres in there, massively accelerating engine... - Yeah. Mm-hm.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20It's not just the driving, it's the sound that you put in.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24'Happily, we had an idea which would save the day.'
0:30:24 > 0:30:28We will go off this afternoon, and I can mend that advert.
0:30:28 > 0:30:29OK...
0:30:36 > 0:30:38I believe we have a cure.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40- You remember the one yesterday...? - Yep.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42How could we forget it?
0:30:43 > 0:30:45'This is the new Scirocco TDI.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48'It's pretty fast.'
0:30:55 > 0:30:59'Get ahead, get a new Scirocco TDI.'
0:30:59 > 0:31:02You see, we've addressed the speed issue.
0:31:02 > 0:31:06- No, you haven't.- It says he's doing 29.- The rest of the footage
0:31:06 > 0:31:12of the car is exactly the same, so there's no difference in the promotion of speed whatsoever.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15When we talked to you, truth and honesty
0:31:15 > 0:31:18were two of the things we talked about, and that feels dishonest.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22Well, it's still going, it was probably going 59.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24And how fast were the other cars going?
0:31:24 > 0:31:28- They were going 59 as well.- So, twice as fast...
0:31:28 > 0:31:31'The rest of the ads didn't go down that well, either.'
0:31:31 > 0:31:35THEME FROM "MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE"
0:31:35 > 0:31:40# Common rail injection, you know that's the new direction... #
0:31:42 > 0:31:47'The new Scirocco TDI, for people who value their arms.'
0:31:47 > 0:31:49Don't you think that is tip-top?
0:31:49 > 0:31:51No.
0:31:51 > 0:31:58Right... 'Desperate, I decided to show them our remake of one of their classics.'
0:31:58 > 0:32:01'This is the man who put a million on black,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04'and it came up red.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09'This is the man who married a sex kitten,
0:32:09 > 0:32:12'just as she turned into a cat.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16'This is the man who moved into gold,
0:32:16 > 0:32:19'just as the clever money moved out.'
0:32:22 > 0:32:24GUNSHOT
0:32:24 > 0:32:28'If only he'd waited for the new Scirocco TDI to go on sale.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32'The Scirocco TDI.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34'Life's not so bad.'
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Simple, tight...
0:32:42 > 0:32:45- You are showing in your ad there a suicide.- Yes.
0:32:45 > 0:32:51You should be able to imagine that the regulatory body does not allow depictions of suicide.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53I mean, it's pretty positive.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56You either get shot through the head or you have a VW.
0:32:56 > 0:33:02'Nick and Margaret invited us to get out of their office and go back to the drawing board.'
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Jesus Christ!
0:33:14 > 0:33:18- D'you know why an ad man won't look out of the window in the morning? - No.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Cos then he'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
0:33:26 > 0:33:31'But then, while Jeremy was being ridiculous, I had an idea.
0:33:31 > 0:33:37'If we couldn't use speed, why not set the ad in a location where speed is impossible?
0:33:37 > 0:33:44'A funeral! Job one, get ourselves a black Scirocco.'
0:33:44 > 0:33:48- I couldn't help noticing, it's the petrol one.- We'll dub canal boat noises on.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50I'm gonna talk to the mourners.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Yes, just get them in the car.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54This is a tragedy, it's a loved one.
0:33:54 > 0:33:59It will all be resolved in the VW Scirocco Diesel.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SCREECH
0:34:04 > 0:34:07Who's driving that...? Who's driving the Scirocco?
0:34:07 > 0:34:10- Jeremy.- Well, he's got the wrong idea altogether.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13'My driving made James quite cross.'
0:34:13 > 0:34:19Let's do the funeral thing seriously, then, at the end, we've got the message about the VW.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21It's not complicated.
0:34:21 > 0:34:26The funeral can be done seriously, but there's nothing to stop a war plane coming in the middle?
0:34:26 > 0:34:31- There's me. Cos I'm directing. - 'Soon, he was even more cross.' - So, you're driving the hearse...?
0:34:31 > 0:34:32I'm driving the limousine...
0:34:32 > 0:34:36EXPLOSION
0:34:36 > 0:34:37Clarkson!
0:34:37 > 0:34:39TYRES SCREECH
0:34:39 > 0:34:40None of that is going in.
0:34:40 > 0:34:45We're not doing a comedy Carry On funeral, we are doing a real funeral.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49'James and I couldn't even agree on how to direct the actors.'
0:34:49 > 0:34:52OK, madam, this is where we'd like you to cry.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54In a dignified,
0:34:54 > 0:34:56adult, genuine grief, rather than...
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Take a good sniff of this onion, ready?
0:34:59 > 0:35:03There we go. There we go, now cry!
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Cry! Cry!
0:35:05 > 0:35:10'To get James out of my hair, I sent him to look for a crow.'
0:35:10 > 0:35:11- Crow?- A crow.
0:35:11 > 0:35:15Have you ever seen a funeral scene in your life without a crow in it?
0:35:15 > 0:35:17There'll be one in a tree or in a field.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21'That left me free to direct the graveyard scene.'
0:35:21 > 0:35:24So, if you're mourning, look sad.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27You're just professionally sad.
0:35:27 > 0:35:32You...should be in a bikini, I think, to balance it out.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34So, good, OK.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36No, wait, hang on, it's a funeral.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Yeah, it should be a black bikini.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41OK. Roll cameras...
0:35:41 > 0:35:47- Back!- 'With the graveyard done, all we had left was the closing shot.'
0:35:47 > 0:35:51The shot has got be quite long, because there's quite a bit of information to get in at the end.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55- No, the back should... No! No! - Yes! Yes!
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Get the wheels straight.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00- James!- Yes? - Do you want mourners in this shot?
0:36:00 > 0:36:03No.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06It's untidy. Action.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10- And pull out...- James!- What?
0:36:10 > 0:36:13I've fallen out of the basket thing!
0:36:16 > 0:36:17Anyway...
0:36:17 > 0:36:21'Finally, though, our masterpiece was ready.'
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Argh!
0:36:39 > 0:36:43'With its advanced, two-litre, common rail diesel engine,
0:36:43 > 0:36:47'the new Scirocco TDI
0:36:47 > 0:36:51'is quiet enough for any occasion.'
0:36:52 > 0:36:55EXPLOSION
0:36:57 > 0:36:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:02 > 0:37:05So...
0:37:06 > 0:37:07Bang!
0:37:07 > 0:37:11Now, that didn't go down very well, and it was all his fault.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14Why did the car blow up at the end?
0:37:14 > 0:37:18Because you wouldn't let me cut one of the mourners' arms off.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Why was that woman in a bikini?
0:37:21 > 0:37:25Because I am a genius, and you're a fool, and that is why, after
0:37:25 > 0:37:30that advert was rejected, as well as all the others, we decided to split up.
0:37:30 > 0:37:36Yeah, we decided we'd make one more ad each, but this time, instead of taking them to Nick and Margaret
0:37:36 > 0:37:39to judge, because they loathed everything we did,
0:37:39 > 0:37:44we thought we'd bring them here and let YOU decide which one is better.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46OK? And the winner,
0:37:46 > 0:37:50the winner gets this pair of exquisitely slim advertiser's spectacles.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54- Yeah!- Here's mine...
0:37:54 > 0:37:55CAR ENGINE STARTS
0:37:55 > 0:37:58CAR ENGINE REVS
0:37:58 > 0:38:03CAR ENGINE GOES THROUGH THE GEARS
0:38:17 > 0:38:20Hear that, James? The sound of silence. Nobody...
0:38:20 > 0:38:25- APPLAUSE - Oh... No! Why are you applauding?!
0:38:25 > 0:38:29- It's cerebral.- That would work on BBC Four, where there's no commercials!
0:38:29 > 0:38:35And now behold to bask in the turbulence of my magnificence.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37This is my ad.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40SHOUTING
0:38:43 > 0:38:47'A state of emergency has been declared in Poland as the mass exodus continues...'
0:38:47 > 0:38:53'Sources in Warsaw report mass panic as those left in the city make increasingly frantic
0:38:53 > 0:38:59- 'efforts to escape.' - '..thousands of people crammed into...'- 'Military leaders say...'
0:38:59 > 0:39:03VOICES MERGE
0:39:03 > 0:39:05'..the country's road network.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09'The army says it's now powerless to prevent the ongoing mass exodus.'
0:39:17 > 0:39:18LAUGHTER
0:39:18 > 0:39:22APPLAUSE
0:39:24 > 0:39:27When in doubt, use the war.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Now, the time has come to vote.
0:39:29 > 0:39:34All of those who think that James's plant advertisement has won, raise your hands.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38LAUGHTER
0:39:38 > 0:39:41Six or seven quite bright people in the audience.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44And all those who think my Berlin one has won?
0:39:45 > 0:39:47YEAH!
0:39:47 > 0:39:50APPLAUSE
0:39:52 > 0:39:57Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, thank you!
0:39:57 > 0:39:59Now...
0:40:01 > 0:40:05..a special moment is upon us, because, you might have thought it
0:40:05 > 0:40:09had gone away, but oh, no, because we are going to do the Cool Wall! Yeah!
0:40:09 > 0:40:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:11 > 0:40:13It's here!
0:40:16 > 0:40:19- Take them off! - I can't see a damn thing.
0:40:19 > 0:40:23- What have we got first? - We'll start off with this, it is the Ford Focus RS.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26Now, this is a brilliant car, there's no denying it.
0:40:26 > 0:40:33- What d'you you think of it? - I like it.- You like it.- It's green. - Is it relevant, is it cool?
0:40:33 > 0:40:35- Cool. Yeah.- Don't like the colour.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38- At all.- Is the car...?
0:40:38 > 0:40:45- No.- No? No, and that's odd, because he looks like he's got an ASBO.
0:40:45 > 0:40:49- That is the thing about this car... It's brilliant.- Yeah.
0:40:49 > 0:40:54But it's for the bloke who's always the first to start the singing on the aeroplane.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57You know, the fellow whose holiday sombrero is too big to get in
0:40:57 > 0:41:01- the overhead locker, and that's what he drives.- You're wrong.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03Nobody who's got one has been on an aeroplane -
0:41:03 > 0:41:06they get stuck in airport security with their ASBO ankle bracelet.
0:41:06 > 0:41:13- Yes, that's... It's a great car, but sadly, it's got to be.- It's got to be uncool.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16This is a BMW Z4.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20- We like this car.- Very much.- Not the old model, not for wife swappers, nobody's ever
0:41:20 > 0:41:25slept with somebody called Muriel who's married to Frank, who has one of these.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29But we'd like to put it in the cool section of the board.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Actually, it's resisting. Ready?
0:41:32 > 0:41:35LAUGHTER
0:41:35 > 0:41:41- It's the weirdest thing.- It won't go in the cool section, and there's a very good reason for that.
0:41:41 > 0:41:46Yeah. The good reason is, James May has said he's thinking of getting rid
0:41:46 > 0:41:53of his Porsche Boxster and getting one of these. And, well, that means, that's all that can happen!
0:41:53 > 0:41:58That's all it'll do! We can't put it anywhere else! It won't go!
0:41:58 > 0:41:59APPLAUSE
0:41:59 > 0:42:05Now, this is the Nissan 370-Z, OK? Now, this, as far as I can work out, is for the sort of chap who likes
0:42:05 > 0:42:09a stag night. Me and the lads, you know the sort of bloke.
0:42:09 > 0:42:14He's the sort that sends you those e-mails that take you ten minutes to open and they're not funny.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17That's why this is cool - you're talking about
0:42:17 > 0:42:21the bloke who doesn't complain because you've given him the wrong olive.
0:42:21 > 0:42:28The man who has one of these has never eaten an olive - he just has pork itchings. He's a lager lout.
0:42:28 > 0:42:33- No, he drinks lager, what's wrong with that?- He drinks Stella. - It's just lager.
0:42:33 > 0:42:37- It's not just lager!- You'd be at the bar, saying, "Have you got anything Italian?"
0:42:37 > 0:42:41This is an old gag, but what are you gonna do about that?
0:42:41 > 0:42:42Thank you, that old favourite.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45BOOING
0:42:45 > 0:42:49I'm hearing a strange mooing noise.
0:42:49 > 0:42:54But you're mistaking this for a democracy, and it isn't one, it's a dictatorship.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57Oh, dear, Hammond's gone off in a huff.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00Good! Anyway, now, I want to talk about the Range Rover.
0:43:00 > 0:43:04If you asked me, and you're a small boy, what is the best car in the world?
0:43:04 > 0:43:07I will say, it's a Bugatti Veyron, but the truth is...
0:43:07 > 0:43:09What are you doing?
0:43:09 > 0:43:10Oh, yes!
0:43:10 > 0:43:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:14 > 0:43:15Oh, yeah!
0:43:18 > 0:43:23Whoa! That'll do. I'll tell you what. Can you...?
0:43:23 > 0:43:25Can you reach it there, shorty?
0:43:25 > 0:43:27I can still reach that.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29Look, he can't reach it, poor little fella!
0:43:29 > 0:43:33Oh! Tell you what, from up here, it is going.
0:43:33 > 0:43:38I reckon about there, there you go!
0:43:38 > 0:43:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:46 > 0:43:48HE LAUGHS
0:43:50 > 0:43:53What?! No!
0:43:55 > 0:43:59What I've just done, ladies and gentlemen, is hit the kill switch!
0:43:59 > 0:44:03- Come on, then, come down! - It doesn't work!- It's broken!
0:44:03 > 0:44:08- You see the Zonda, your favourite car in the world? - Yes... No!
0:44:08 > 0:44:11No! That's not right!
0:44:11 > 0:44:15See if we put it down here... Yes!
0:44:15 > 0:44:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:44:22 > 0:44:30Oh, look. And that. And that. Look, I can have so much fun!
0:44:30 > 0:44:33No, that's just...!
0:44:35 > 0:44:38Can I come down now?
0:44:38 > 0:44:44Nnnnno. Because it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:44:44 > 0:44:49What can I say about my guest tonight? As the star of Rain Man, Top Gun, Days Of Thunder,
0:44:49 > 0:44:55Tom Cruise has almost certainly been interviewed by him.
0:44:55 > 0:44:59Ladies and gentlemen, American chat show legend Jay Leno!
0:44:59 > 0:45:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:45:05 > 0:45:09Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you! I'll have a seat.
0:45:09 > 0:45:14Have a seat! This is amazing.
0:45:17 > 0:45:23- You've been hosting your own show in America now for what, 17 years, five nights a week?- 17 years, right.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26I never thought the day would come when you'd be here!
0:45:26 > 0:45:30This is my favourite show. We get it on BBC America. I enjoy watching it.
0:45:30 > 0:45:35And as soon as I got some free time, you were gracious enough to invite me, and that's why I'm here.
0:45:35 > 0:45:41- How can we...? The world's biggest petrol-head...- Well...- Apart from Geri Halliwell.
0:45:41 > 0:45:48..we've ever had here. I'll get on to your show, if I may. You recently had Obama Barack on...
0:45:48 > 0:45:54- Right.- Which makes you... No, it's the other way round, isn't it?- Yeah, but I'm somewhat dyslexic, so that's
0:45:54 > 0:46:00- all right with me.- If people are gonna choose their names from Scrabble tiles, I... Anyway, so,
0:46:00 > 0:46:05is it easy to get an American president on the show or is it a bit complicated?
0:46:05 > 0:46:09It's interesting, the difference. I had him on as a candidate twice before.
0:46:09 > 0:46:13And each time he would come with his jacket like on his finger, with two guys.
0:46:13 > 0:46:16As President, oh, my God.
0:46:16 > 0:46:20Armies, literally armies come in.
0:46:20 > 0:46:26They do a sweep of your staff, and they go, "Are you Jeremy Clarkson?" "Yes." "Don't come in tomorrow."
0:46:26 > 0:46:31- Why?- I said don't come in tomorrow! - What, just a background check thing?
0:46:31 > 0:46:35If you had a joint in your sock in 1972, you don't...
0:46:35 > 0:46:39And that's what they do. You don't come in, you don't... We were never told why.
0:46:39 > 0:46:42You're just told not to come in that day.
0:46:42 > 0:46:46How weird. And does he phone work when he's arriving, or is that all shut down as well?
0:46:46 > 0:46:50All cellphones within 60 miles are monitored.
0:46:50 > 0:46:54- So, be careful.- So, everybody within 60 miles of Barack...?
0:46:54 > 0:46:59For key words, if there are certain key words, they will track you down and beat you senseless.
0:46:59 > 0:47:04We're never more than 60 miles from the Queen here, are we? We're 60 miles from the Queen.
0:47:04 > 0:47:08- That's got to be comforting, hasn't it?- I have to say, in terms of America.
0:47:08 > 0:47:11I used to think it was like going to a prison, just with more food.
0:47:11 > 0:47:15When you came home, you felt like you were coming back to a free country.
0:47:15 > 0:47:20- Now, it's the other way round.- You have these speed cameras here...- Just, nothing!
0:47:20 > 0:47:25Like, see, in LA, people would say, why don't you just shoot them out?
0:47:27 > 0:47:29Exactly.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31APPLAUSE
0:47:33 > 0:47:39In LA, a day doesn't go by, you don't see a Styrofoam cup stuck over the lens of a speed camera.
0:47:39 > 0:47:43It's not just speed cameras, there's cameras to monitor everything.
0:47:43 > 0:47:45Everything you've done since you got here.
0:47:45 > 0:47:49I'm talking about at the urinals. I'm talking about in bed, sometimes.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52- Really?- Oh, yeah, Mr Brown has been recording that.
0:47:52 > 0:47:54All right. I hope he has enough tape!
0:47:54 > 0:47:57LAUGHTER
0:47:57 > 0:48:02Now, normally, at this stage, when we've got people here,
0:48:02 > 0:48:05I get to the point of the interview where I say, talk about your cars.
0:48:05 > 0:48:09- OK.- And they go, I've got a Honda Accord, and my wife's got a Toyota Prius, OK?
0:48:09 > 0:48:13I just need you to understand how big a petrol-head we have here. OK?
0:48:13 > 0:48:17So this is just his cars. Ready? Deep breath.
0:48:17 > 0:48:23Dodge Viper, Packard Caribbean, Chevrolet Corvette, E-type Jaguar, Bugatti Type-37,
0:48:23 > 0:48:26Lamborghini Espada, Chevrolet Corvette ZR-1, Lamborghini Countach,
0:48:26 > 0:48:31Brough Superior, Bentley Turbo-R, Shelby Mustang 350-GT, Citroen XM,
0:48:31 > 0:48:39Fiat Millicento, Corvette Z-06, Bugatti Type-57, AC Cobra 427, Lamborghini Miura-S...
0:48:40 > 0:48:42..Dodge Challenger,
0:48:42 > 0:48:47Lagonda V-12, Bentley Speed Six, Ford Model T, another Lamborghini Miura,
0:48:47 > 0:48:54Dodge Challenger RT, that's page one. There's page two. D'you wanna see page three? There's page three.
0:48:54 > 0:48:59How the hell do you decide what to go to work in in the morning?
0:48:59 > 0:49:05- Who wouldn't do that if they could? - I would, I must confess. - But see, I only have one wife.
0:49:05 > 0:49:08I have one woman...
0:49:08 > 0:49:10LAUGHTER
0:49:10 > 0:49:12I have one woman and 150 cars.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14Thank you!
0:49:14 > 0:49:16See? Women know this...
0:49:16 > 0:49:17APPLAUSE
0:49:17 > 0:49:24Wouldn't you prefer your man coming home reeking of transmission fluid rather than cheap perfume?
0:49:24 > 0:49:27Do you spend a lot of time going to car shows?
0:49:27 > 0:49:30That's really all I do, I work in my garage, I like working on cars.
0:49:30 > 0:49:36You'll like this story. I had my McLaren F1 out, I took it to a car show.
0:49:36 > 0:49:40I see these two LA gang members, scary guys,
0:49:40 > 0:49:44tattoo, the thing on the neck with the cross, the tear on the...
0:49:44 > 0:49:47The whole bit. And they're looking at my car, and I'm like, "Oh, boy!"
0:49:47 > 0:49:51One of them says, "Gordon Murray designed this, right?" And I went, "Yeah!"
0:49:51 > 0:49:56Then the other guy asked about David Stephen, and I realised, I'm prejudging people.
0:49:56 > 0:50:00I assumed that because they look different from me, that they're criminals.
0:50:00 > 0:50:03I felt bad about this. I said, "You ever been in one of these?" "No."
0:50:03 > 0:50:09I said, "D'you wanna go for a ride?" They said, "Yeah!" And I realised, maybe this is a mistake, OK?
0:50:09 > 0:50:10LAUGHTER
0:50:10 > 0:50:17As big as they were outside, they were enormous in the car. The guys' head, and when that tattoo is here,
0:50:17 > 0:50:20you know? With the misspelled die, and everything.
0:50:20 > 0:50:25All right, so, we're driving along. Guy goes, "Go up here in the hills, there's no traffic."
0:50:25 > 0:50:28Oh, all right, so...
0:50:28 > 0:50:32It's not good at this point. There's a place called Canaan Road above Malibu.
0:50:32 > 0:50:35There's some tunnels, which go through the mountain.
0:50:35 > 0:50:41I said, "Tell you what, I'll nail it through the mountains, you guys have got to hear the F1 McLaren."
0:50:41 > 0:50:43I fly through the tunnel, 125.
0:50:43 > 0:50:46As I come out of the tunnel, police car right here.
0:50:49 > 0:50:50HE MIMICS POLICE SIREN
0:50:50 > 0:50:53Pulled over. And now I've got two gang guys...
0:50:53 > 0:50:55LAUGHTER
0:50:55 > 0:51:00They're gonna run a check on these guys, it'll be drug dealers, my McLaren will be towed,
0:51:00 > 0:51:06they'll drag it to impound, I'll be arrested for going 100 and... Cop pulls over.
0:51:06 > 0:51:12- The Highway Patrolman goes, "Know how fast you're going?" The two guys go, "We're police officers."- No way!
0:51:12 > 0:51:14LAUGHTER
0:51:14 > 0:51:18They were undercover, they were undercover!
0:51:18 > 0:51:23Exactly! It was like the greatest day of my life.
0:51:23 > 0:51:26That's just complete win-win.
0:51:26 > 0:51:31We don't get that at the Goodwood Festival of Speed. A couple of gang members...
0:51:31 > 0:51:36Now, obviously, you came here to do a lap, in a car with a steering wheel on the correct side.
0:51:36 > 0:51:42The steering wheel is on the wrong side. The spring was broken in the shifter.
0:51:42 > 0:51:46- Yet, in that British tradition, I soldiered on.- How did it go?
0:51:46 > 0:51:50OK. I mean, as long as I don't get beat by Helen Mirren, I'm OK.
0:51:50 > 0:51:52Helen Mirren, where is she?
0:51:52 > 0:51:56- Where is she?- There she is, 1.528. - I think I did better than that.
0:51:56 > 0:51:58- Shall we find out how Jay got on? - Yes!
0:51:59 > 0:52:02Here's your lap, in a Lacetti.
0:52:02 > 0:52:03TYRES SCREECH
0:52:03 > 0:52:06There we go, we're off, plenty of smoke on the start.
0:52:06 > 0:52:10Race car driving's like sex - all men think they're good at it.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15So you've got a smooth style there.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17We could learn a lot from... Oh, very smooth.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19Much like the sex.
0:52:19 > 0:52:24- If it doesn't go well, blame it on the car.- Dressed up as Marlboro Man.
0:52:24 > 0:52:26Oh, I can't say that, can I?
0:52:26 > 0:52:29Dressed up as Cowboy Man. That's smooth again.
0:52:29 > 0:52:33That's a little better, at least I didn't miss a gear that time.
0:52:33 > 0:52:37This is the Hammerhead, this is where you can make or break your lap.
0:52:39 > 0:52:42- You must be pleased with that. - Seems all right.
0:52:42 > 0:52:46Looking good. Looking very good coming out, maybe a little bit fast.
0:52:46 > 0:52:52The Stig is quite a good instructor, considering...he doesn't talk.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55Let's have a look at this. This is flat out through there.
0:52:56 > 0:53:00- Not bad.- Yeah. Oh, that's quick!
0:53:00 > 0:53:03- That was very quick. - Brake, down to third.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05Come on, this is the hard...
0:53:05 > 0:53:07Yes! That's what I call a corner!
0:53:07 > 0:53:09Now it's Gambon.
0:53:09 > 0:53:13That's Michael Gambon, around there, maybe too much understeer. But across the line!
0:53:13 > 0:53:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:53:20 > 0:53:23Let's find out how you got on.
0:53:23 > 0:53:26- All right. - You did it...in one minute...
0:53:26 > 0:53:28Yes?
0:53:28 > 0:53:30- ..40...- Yes?
0:53:30 > 0:53:32..8.8.
0:53:32 > 0:53:34You're way faster than Helen Mirren!
0:53:34 > 0:53:36- Oh, all right.- You are...
0:53:41 > 0:53:46- In the middle of the pack. - ..between Doctor Who and Will Young.
0:53:46 > 0:53:49Actually, I did that once in LA. Yeah.
0:53:52 > 0:53:53This is a good place.
0:53:53 > 0:53:56- Are you the fastest American? - I'll take fastest American.
0:53:56 > 0:53:59I'm just looking.
0:53:59 > 0:54:05- No, Mark Wahlberg! Mark Wahlberg. You're the second-fastest American! - Second-fastest. Wow!
0:54:05 > 0:54:07There we go, Jay Leno, everybody!
0:54:07 > 0:54:10- Jeremy, thank you, thank you, everybody!- Thank you so much!
0:54:10 > 0:54:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:54:14 > 0:54:16Still here, obviously.
0:54:16 > 0:54:21Now, at this point, I should be down there, by that car.
0:54:21 > 0:54:25But I'm not, obviously, so please bear with me.
0:54:25 > 0:54:29What that car is, is the Aston Martin Vantage, that's the smallest car they make.
0:54:29 > 0:54:35But they just fitted it with their 510 horsepower, six-litre V12.
0:54:35 > 0:54:39And Jeremy decided to take it out to see what it's like.
0:55:23 > 0:55:30Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage, with a V12 engine.
0:55:30 > 0:55:34So what d'you think it's gonna be like?
0:56:01 > 0:56:03It is fantastic.
0:56:04 > 0:56:08It's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
0:56:19 > 0:56:22What it makes me feel, though,
0:56:22 > 0:56:23is sad.
0:56:25 > 0:56:30I just can't help thinking that, thanks to all sorts of things -
0:56:30 > 0:56:36the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed -
0:56:36 > 0:56:41cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books.
0:56:56 > 0:57:03I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I'm driving here...is an ending.
0:58:27 > 0:58:28Good night.
0:58:40 > 0:58:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:43 > 0:58:46E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk