0:00:11 > 0:00:15Tonight: James wears a stripy jumper.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Richard drives a stripy Lamborghini.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21And we name the greatest carmaker in the world.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Thank you.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Thank you so much, everybody. Wow!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Noisy!
0:00:38 > 0:00:44Now, as we know, you can never get rid of a baddie, no matter how much you kill them.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Remember Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction?
0:00:47 > 0:00:51She was stabbed, she was drowned. Half an hour later, reared up out of the bath.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Then you've got the Daleks, and then you've got Blofeld, then you've got Peter Mandelson.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59They just keep coming back.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03And then there's Top Gear's perennial baddie.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Yes, it's the caravan.
0:01:09 > 0:01:14As regular viewers of Dave will know, we have, over the last 24 hours,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18done our very best to rid the world of the caravan menace.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I think there's one more, actually.
0:01:25 > 0:01:33That is, you'll agree, sterling work in our battle to free the roads of these mobile traffic jams.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Sadly, it's a battle we're losing.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39There are now almost half a million caravans
0:01:39 > 0:01:44on UK roads, and the British are the most prolific caravanning nation
0:01:44 > 0:01:49in Europe - a title we've held for almost four years, according to the Caravan Council.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51In short, they're building them faster than we can destroy them.
0:01:51 > 0:01:58So we need a scientific approach to getting them off the roads, and I may have found it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18ALARM SOUNDS
0:02:18 > 0:02:23JAMES BOND INCIDENTAL MUSIC
0:03:04 > 0:03:06It worked.
0:03:19 > 0:03:25What you're witnessing here, viewers, is the maiden voyage of the world's first caravan airship,
0:03:25 > 0:03:29and I believe this is the solution to all our problems.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33There are only two ways to go caravanning. You can have your two-litre diesel,
0:03:33 > 0:03:38tow your caravan, obscure the view of all the people you're annoying, or you can bring it up here.
0:03:38 > 0:03:44Everybody wins. Driving is more fun and caravanning is more exciting.
0:03:44 > 0:03:51However, as with all cutting-edge engineering projects, there are teething problems.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56Normally, you drive along with your caravan and car and when you get to your site, you have a car to use.
0:03:56 > 0:04:02I don't of course, so I need somebody to take the car to the caravan site for me.
0:04:02 > 0:04:08And for that, I'm calling on my old caravan-destroying mate, Mr Richard Hammond.
0:04:08 > 0:04:14Yes, and because it doesn't have to lug the caravan around, it can be a nice car.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22This car will never, ever hitch itself to a Swift Rapide.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26It's a Lamborghini, probably the least caravannish car company ever.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30This is their new Gallardo Balboni.
0:04:30 > 0:04:37It's a tribute to Valentino Balboni, Lamborghini's most famous test driver.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Although he wore a cardigan to work, he was a mentalist.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47As a tribute to his mentalness, this particular Gallardo is the most mental Lambo
0:04:47 > 0:04:50there's been for a while. More of that later.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54First, I shall ring James and offer him some encouragement.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Hammond, May.- That thing is going to crash and burn
0:05:00 > 0:05:03and explode and you'll be scattered in a million pieces across
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- the English countryside. - Don't be so defeatist.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Anyway, I've got an address for you.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12It's Hunter's Moon Caravan Club,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14just outside Wareham in Dorset.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18I've made the booking. They're expecting an airship. And I'll take you for lunch by the river.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Right, see you in a bit. Caravanning in a Lamborghini.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27I think he might actually be on to something here.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37Let me tell you a bit about the caravan airship. It's 125 feet long,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41110,000 cubic feet of hot air holding it up,
0:05:41 > 0:05:45and it's a very, very ingenious solution because all the caravan attachments are still here.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Instruments flip up out the table, the gas burners go where the cooker
0:05:49 > 0:05:53would be and can be used for cooking, the beds fit where I'm sitting here.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57It is still a caravan - it's just a flying caravan.
0:05:57 > 0:06:03It floats in the infinite blue. It's superb.
0:06:04 > 0:06:10Meanwhile, on the ground, this was turning into the best drive to a caravan site ever.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15According to Top Gear research, 37% of caravanners enjoy wife-swapping.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20Well, think what's going to happen when the keys to this baby come out the pot.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Oh, yeah.
0:06:22 > 0:06:28As I was saying, because this is a tribute to their looniest test driver, Lambo have ditched the usual
0:06:28 > 0:06:32four-wheel drive for a Gallardo and gone back to the old hairy-chested rear-wheel drive.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38That makes it 120kg lighter.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Ordinary steel brakes instead of carbon ceramic fancy ones. It's Lamborghini's punk album.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Hammond, it's May.- Ooh, hello.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- You're alive!- How are you?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Very well. How's it going?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Pretty good. Slight issue on the horizon, though.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- What?- It's not the fastest aircraft in the world.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59How not quick is it?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Well, top speed is about 17.
0:07:01 > 0:07:0470 miles an hour's not bad.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07No, 17 miles an hour.
0:07:07 > 0:07:13- Oh, God.- I think Dorset might be a bit far, so I've got a new address for you. Ready?- Another address?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Dale Acres Caravan Club site in Kent.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Kent? Probably not my first choice of caravanning destinations.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- I know, but it's not miles from here, mate. I'll buy you an ice cream.- I'll see you there.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31Right, campsite number two, here we come.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37It's now time for a spot of airborne lunch.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44This is unquestionably the most powerful cooker ever fitted to a two-berth caravan.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Very well cooked on one side.
0:07:49 > 0:07:57OK, another B road, through another village somewhere. It's all part of the adventure of caravanning.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Back to the Balboni.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05The thing is, the basicness just makes it better to drive.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07The steering feels so much quicker
0:08:07 > 0:08:10because there's no four-wheel drive in the way.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13And this gear change, the manual box,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16it's like shaking hands with an old friend.
0:08:19 > 0:08:24The only thing that isn't basic is price, because, weirdly,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26this stripped-out, strictly
0:08:26 > 0:08:28functional Gallardo costs £163,000,
0:08:28 > 0:08:33which is 18 grand dearer than the ordinary four-wheel drive one,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36so maybe less really is more.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43The Balboni propelled me towards our campsite in Kent.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45And then James rang again.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Hello.- Hello.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Are you ringing from the grave?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51No, not at all. It's going marvellously up here, mate.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54You'd love it. There is one slight hitch, though.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55What's up now?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57The performance is slightly marginal.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02If I get a head wind of more than 13 knots, I start to go backwards.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05You can't go into a wind of more than 13 knots? No.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08What's the wind speed now?
0:09:08 > 0:09:09It was 12.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13So you're telling me you're being blown around Britain?
0:09:13 > 0:09:18I'll takes too long to get down to Kent, so I'm going to turn round and go the other way, up to Suffolk.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Right. - Anyway, I've got an address for you.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Why didn't you just ring up and book us into every caravan site in Britain before we left?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Stop nit-picking, will you?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30What a norbert.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36If this airship caravanning scheme of his catches on, what we'll have
0:09:36 > 0:09:40is the skies full of airships crashing into each other whenever the wind gets up
0:09:40 > 0:09:46and then the roads full of cars crashing into each other because they have to keep turning round.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48OK, campsite number three.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58With the wind behind me, I headed for our new destination.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- Good morning. Caravan Club, Chris speaking. How can I help?- Hi.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I was wondering if there were any pitches available at the White House
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Beach Club this afternoon, please? - What's your surname?
0:10:07 > 0:10:12May. Can I just ask if you have facilities for people arriving by airship?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16By airship? Right, OK, um...
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Are you actually a member of the Caravan Club?
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Here I am in the village
0:10:26 > 0:10:32of...here, this village, and it's somewhere I would never have seen.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36That's a really, really big tower over there.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39That's...well, that's clearly just a danger to caravanners, isn't it?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Look at it.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Must remember to tell James about that.
0:10:44 > 0:10:50As it turned out, at that moment, James had more than a tower to worry about.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Mayday, mayday, mayday.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Norwich Golf Papa Golf, I am about to enter your air space.
0:10:58 > 0:11:04Golf Tango Oscar Papa Golf, Norwich, you are entering an area of intense aerial activity at the moment.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08It is imperative that you remain clear, well clear.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Norwich Golf Papa Golf, sorry, cannot comply.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Have no control over airship owing to wind conditions.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Tango Oscar Papa Golf, remain well clear.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Norwich, cannot comply.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25Papa Golf, you have traffic left, 11 o'clock range of half a mile, fast moving.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Similar left. - Roger. Have visual, Golf Papa Golf.
0:11:28 > 0:11:34Golf Papa Golf. Further traffic in your right, three o'clock, right left.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39BBC Radio 1. Newsbeat...
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Right, that's the news report. No news of a massive fireball burning
0:11:43 > 0:11:50over Northamptonshire or of people in the streets being hit by pieces of long burning hair and bad jumper.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Anyway, I'm probably being pessimistic.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57I'm sure it's going very well.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04No! Stay where you are, man! Golf Papa Golf, I'm heading very close
0:12:04 > 0:12:07to the KLM Cityhopper. Can you advise them please not to start up or take off.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Papa Golf Norwich.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14The police helicopter will shortly be approaching.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Golf Papa Golf, police helicopter really not necessary.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I will attempt to clear your zone at this altitude.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Golf Papa Golf, please don't call the police.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28Norfolk Police helicopter Oscar 99 to Golf Tango...
0:12:31 > 0:12:38- Roger, Golf Papa Golf.- Not really aware of your intention, but
0:12:38 > 0:12:42you've strayed into the controlled air space of Norwich airport.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46I may be about to get a colossal aviation bollocking.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Suffolk, a popular holiday destination.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Just a few miles away now.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04James will have landed,
0:13:04 > 0:13:10set the van up, organised our little home from home, probably got the kettle on.
0:13:13 > 0:13:20With the wrath of the sky cops still ringing in my ears, finally, I reached a caravan site.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24I didn't know if it was the one I'd booked into, but it would do.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Here we go. The landing you won't even notice.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29This is a lovely approach over the trees.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34Just a matter of a resting descent with little bursts of gas.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38What I'm actually doing here is helping to realise a dream that
0:13:38 > 0:13:45was held by many great men, people who envisaged the elegance and the majesty of lighter than air flight.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50Count Zeppelin, Nevil Shute, Barnes Wallace - this is for them.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55A bit of drift. A bit of...
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Drifting. Oh, God! Cocking Nora, this is difficult!
0:13:59 > 0:14:05Gas! Gas! It's going down. No!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Keep it upright.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I may be going sideways slightly.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Mayday! No!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Oh, bloody hell, stop! Stop!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Stop!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Come on, Papa Charlie Echo Charlie Charlie Whisker Echo Papa. What?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I think that idea has a lot of promise.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Airships don't and never have worked.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48You can't land any aircraft that flies by being full of hot air.
0:14:48 > 0:14:55I have been in a hot-air balloon once, and it landed by dragging itself sideways through a hedge and
0:14:55 > 0:14:59a field, and I ended up jammed on top the Lady Mayoress in the basket. Long story, but I did.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Ridiculous. I want to talk about lighter than air transport.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I want to talk about the Lambo.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08It's heroically daft.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12By going down from four-wheel to rear-wheel drive, it's that bit more bonkers.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15It's like free climbing rather than with all those ropes and harnesses. It's fabulous.
0:15:15 > 0:15:22We must now compare it, cos it's rear-wheel drive, to a Ferrari 430.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Ya. It's not as good, but it's better.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It's the white stripe.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29It's amazing.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32You got to drive it a lot more than you thought because of the
0:15:32 > 0:15:35freak weather conditions that blighted James, the light breezes.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- It was more like a ruddy hurricane. - It was puffy clouds.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- It was a breeze.- Let's do the news.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48The Danes have made an announcement.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51They're going to start making a supercar. This is it.
0:15:51 > 0:15:57That has got a V8 that's supercharged and turbocharged, and they say
0:15:57 > 0:16:04all of the components, where possible, are going to be made and sourced by companies in Denmark.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Really?- Yes. - Is it going to be made of bacon?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Will it be lubricated with Lurpak?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13You know Bang & Olufsen?
0:16:13 > 0:16:20Beautiful Danish design, and then, as far as I'm aware, it's all Philips electronics.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25- So that's what it'll be like. - Doesn't stop you buying pretty much everything they make.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- I am a bit of a sucker for Bang & Olufsen.- A bit?!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Have you been in the new Audis? New Audis have got Bang & Olufsen speakers that
0:16:30 > 0:16:34rise up out of the dashboard when you turned the stereo on.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- And I should think you're rising up along with them.- I am.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Anyway, Bang & Olufsen brings me back to that car, because
0:16:41 > 0:16:46I think that looks absolutely fant... I don't care if it is made of bacon.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- What's it called? - Bang & Lurpak, something like that.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Now, I don't know if you saw in the papers this week,
0:16:52 > 0:16:57a woman had a baby while she was on her way to hospital in a Kia.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00They've called the baby Kia.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Could have been worse.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05It could have been Proton.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Because these people called their baby Kia, Kia,
0:17:10 > 0:17:15the people who made the cars, have actually given them a Kia car.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17We've got a picture of the handover.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21This brings us on to a very important Top Gear top tip.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26If you're on your way to hospital in labour, and you're in a Kia,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28for God's sake get out!
0:17:29 > 0:17:35Let the child be christened Skip, Bus Stop, Phone Box, anything, just get out.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39"I christen this child, Doorway Of Currys." Cos at least that way
0:17:39 > 0:17:44you'd get a free microwave and not a hideous car like that.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49I reckon this whole story and baby Kia here, it could spark a whole load of copycats,
0:17:49 > 0:17:53cos a load of dads waiting until the very last minute on the due date
0:17:53 > 0:17:56and then secretly hiring a Lamborghini Murcielago and driving really slowly to the hospital.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59"Are you all right, darling? Think you can hang on?"
0:17:59 > 0:18:04Yeah, why are you called Pagani Zonda With The Optional Ceramic Brake Package?
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Now, last weekend, the three of us were in Middlesbrough,
0:18:08 > 0:18:14and on Saturday night we had to drive back to England. You know what I mean.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19It meant going back down the M1. The truth of the matter is that all three of us had been away from home
0:18:19 > 0:18:21for six weeks or something, looking forward to seeing our families.
0:18:21 > 0:18:28So belting down the M1, and you arrive in Leicestershire, and there's a 20-mile set of road works there.
0:18:28 > 0:18:3520 miles which have average speed cameras set at 50 miles an hour for the entire length.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50.
0:18:40 > 0:18:46I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea,
0:18:46 > 0:18:51go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard on the side of his head. Just boof!
0:18:51 > 0:18:56Because if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine
0:18:56 > 0:19:00and see if it's possible to turn a man's head into a perfect cube.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03D'you know why they have the 50 mile an hour speed limit?
0:19:03 > 0:19:08To protect the workforce, who weren't there. They were in bed, where I wanted to be.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12I agree with you entirely. But the answer is not cubing people's heads.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- You're just going to get nicked. - But if everybody does 70...
0:19:19 > 0:19:24Who here would just do 70 through a set of road works with an average speed camera? Nobody, James.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- You go charging through and you're going to get booked.- That's fine.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31You can test it. Stay to 70 because that is the speed limit.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34You take it to court in front of a jury, and you argue
0:19:34 > 0:19:39correctly that it is wrong to apply the 50 mile an hour speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.
0:19:39 > 0:19:45- So you're saying it's logic? - It is logic. It's logic to kill Peter Mandelson.- No, it isn't.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47It is, but you can't do it.
0:19:47 > 0:19:53Killing Peter Mandelson is a grey area, but doing 70 miles an hour on the motorway is an absolute.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55How many people went on that anti-war march? A million.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00400,000, and fox-hunting was banned.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03The Government is not interested in the will of the people,
0:20:03 > 0:20:07particularly if it was just one pedantic, long-haired, old queen, standing up in court saying,
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- "I did 70 cos it's logical." - You're absolutely right.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16Speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:22Revolution or cubing people's heads, or alternatively you could just leave a bit earlier.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27- No, cube their heads! - Anyway, time to move on.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Because last week, we asked you to nominate the carmaker that you
0:20:31 > 0:20:36thought over the years has made the largest number of great cars.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39There have been a couple of quite interesting nominations.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41One was Matchbox.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- That was a surprise. - The other was James May.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48He tied with Chrysler.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53It was weird cos he's only ever made one great car, James, the Eagle Hamthrust.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55It was a really great car.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56This is the top ten.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01We've Ferrari, Lamborghini, and coming up now we have the top three.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Here they are.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06- Automatic board. - Cost a lot of money.
0:21:06 > 0:21:11In third place, according to you, the voters...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13BMW.
0:21:13 > 0:21:19In second place, even though they made the worst car in the history of the world ever, the Beetle. It's VW.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23No applauding that.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25You can applaud this if you like. The winner - it's Ford!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30So that is it.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36The thing is, though, you're wrong.
0:21:36 > 0:21:42- Ford hasn't won this at all. - Because we reckoned Ford has made four great cars over the years.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47But the car company we think is at the top of this list has made seven.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48The car company we've got in mind...
0:21:48 > 0:21:55There were 350 million people watching last week's show when we asked for you to vote.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00The number of people who voted for what we think is the greatest car company in the world was nine.
0:22:00 > 0:22:08- Not nine million.- Just nine. No ideas?- Made some of the prettiest cars ever.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13Let me put it this way - Mitsubishi has won the World Rally Championship once,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Subaru three times, Ford three times.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19The company we've got in mind won it ten times.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23No? Silence. OK then, watch this.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31This is a collection of art, of madness, of brilliance.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35This is a collection of pornography.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39This is a collection of Lancias.
0:22:40 > 0:22:46But this, annoyingly, is the Lancia people remember best of all,
0:22:46 > 0:22:47the Beta.
0:22:48 > 0:22:55It was made from steel so thin that on a windy day it would actually change shape.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58And it wasn't much cop in the rain either.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03This was fine yesterday, but then this morning we had a bit of a shower and now look at it.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06The fact is, though,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10that all Lancias had problems.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15The Gamma, for instance, exploded every time you turned the steering wheel.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19And then there was the Fulvia.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29It is a fantastic little car, this.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32It's like driving
0:23:32 > 0:23:34a wroughty sorbet.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39With its clever V4 engine, a Fulvia was the first Lancia
0:23:39 > 0:23:42to win the World Rally Championship.
0:23:42 > 0:23:48The thing is, though, when all is said and done, it was a very small, 1.3 litre,
0:23:48 > 0:23:55front-wheel drive, two-door saloon car, but it cost, when it was new, more than an E-Type Jaguar.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02We forgave the Fulvia its silly price tag, though, because of what made it
0:24:02 > 0:24:08great, the same thing that made almost all Lancias great - the way it looked.
0:24:10 > 0:24:16It really is as pretty as the sun setting over Charlize Theron.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23In its day, this was too, the streamlined Aprilia,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26the first car ever to be designed in a wind tunnel.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30But inevitably there were problems.
0:24:30 > 0:24:36The doors opened like this, and it was lovely - meant getting in and out was very easy.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40However, when they were closed, they didn't quite meet,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43so quite a lot of weather got inside as you drove along.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48And it was only made with right-hand drive, fine in Britain and Sweden,
0:24:48 > 0:24:52which drove on the left at the time, but it was quite annoying everywhere else.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56And then there was the Monte Carlo.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04This was a wonderful car, a mid-engined mini-Ferrari.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08But because it was actually a Lancia, the things that were right
0:25:08 > 0:25:12were balanced out by the things that were wrong.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17If you even looked at the middle pedal, the brakes would lock up and you'd crash into a tree.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Lancia took the thing very seriously, so much so that they
0:25:20 > 0:25:24stopped production for two years whilst they looked for a solution.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29And they found one. What they did was remove the brake servo,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32so then it had no brakes at all.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43The Monte Carlo, then, was quite dangerous.
0:25:43 > 0:25:49But in that Lancia way, it was so pretty I wanted one more than I wanted my next breath.
0:25:53 > 0:25:59Sometimes, though, Lancia's lunacy did produce results.
0:26:00 > 0:26:06Did you know Lancia was the first car company ever to sell a car with a monocoque?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08They were the first to offer a five-speed gear box.
0:26:08 > 0:26:14The first to ever sell a car with supercharging and turbo charging on the same engine.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17First to sell a road car with a V6 engine.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21First to sell a car with an electric boot spoiler.
0:26:21 > 0:26:28So they did all these significant mechanical firsts, and yet still, if you say to anyone "Lancia",
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- they snigger and say, "They just fall apart."- It's ridiculous.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Holy moly!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- Has the bumper come off? - I believe it has, yes.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43You need to define greatness, and that's the important thing.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Just because something is unreliable...
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Whoa.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50..doesn't mean it isn't great.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Stephen Hawkins - great bloke, even though a lot of him doesn't work.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Yeah. I wouldn't break it to him like that.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01But the principle stands, yeah it does.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Meryl Streep - everybody says she's a great actress,
0:27:05 > 0:27:10and then she goes and appears in Mamma Mia, the worst film ever made.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12But she's still a great actress.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Have you seen Mamma Mia?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- Yes, I have.- You big girl.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22To prove that even the tattiest Lancia is tougher than you might think,
0:27:22 > 0:27:27we have bought this 1982 HPE.
0:27:28 > 0:27:34And I shall now drive it non-stop through the night on a rough rally stage.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39And I shall be racing... No, not racing.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Been told about that. Dangerous.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Um, driving at the same time on the same track
0:27:45 > 0:27:49in a similar vintage car, this Morris Marina.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53- Hammond, winner, last one still running.- Yep, fair enough.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Let's do it!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59ENGINE STRUGGLES TO START
0:28:06 > 0:28:11This is not a promising start in dispelling the myth that Lancias weren't very good.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- ENGINE FINALLY STARTS - Yes!- Never doubted it.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23Obviously, the Marina won't work because these vile, hateful things are hopeless.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26ENGINE STARTS IMMEDIATELY
0:28:34 > 0:28:38Now, you might be saying, "Oh, it's a Morris Marina.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40A piano's going to fall on it."
0:28:40 > 0:28:44The more eagle-eyed viewer may have spotted I have taken the precaution
0:28:44 > 0:28:49of buying a Marina that's already had a piano land on it, so job done.
0:28:49 > 0:28:55Since we were doing serious research, we'd agreed that there would be no childish racing.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Don't hit Hammond.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00I've hit Hammond!
0:29:00 > 0:29:07That's OK. Proving what a fine and strong breed of car the Lancia always was.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11I hope I don't hit Jeremy just as he goes round this really difficult corner.
0:29:11 > 0:29:16He's got the outside there. He'll never get by, and he hasn't.
0:29:16 > 0:29:17Ha ha! But we're not racing.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19We're not racing.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23We're not... This is driving me mad.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26He's through while I got my sun visor out of the way.
0:29:30 > 0:29:35For hour after hour, we continued to not race round the rally stage.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39It's pretty close to dark.
0:29:39 > 0:29:45Still literally no faults to report, absolutely none.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Eventually, after not racing some more...
0:29:48 > 0:29:49Come on!
0:29:49 > 0:29:52..the Marina began to pull ahead.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58It is, of course, a well-known fact that a piano on the roof
0:29:58 > 0:30:03aids traction and gives you more speed on a rally-special stage.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07But then, predictably, it broke down.
0:30:07 > 0:30:11Tools... So I went to get some tools to try and fix it.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15There he is! It's Hammond! He's out!
0:30:15 > 0:30:17He's down!
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Ha, ha, ha, ha!
0:30:25 > 0:30:31The Lancia soldiered on alone, but then I got a warning light.
0:30:31 > 0:30:32Literally.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Oh no! It's, yes, look...
0:30:34 > 0:30:38I can't see through the flames!
0:30:38 > 0:30:40I've got to blow this out. Oh God!
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Maybe if I sped up, like in Memphis Belle.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48Come on! No, that's not working.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51I can't see anything.
0:30:51 > 0:30:57No matter, though, because here's proof that Lancias are tough and strong, and dependable.
0:30:57 > 0:30:58It's getting quite bad now.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03So now, can we please move on?
0:31:08 > 0:31:10This is a Stratos.
0:31:10 > 0:31:15It had a 2.4 litre Ferrari V6, mounted in the middle.
0:31:15 > 0:31:19It was Italian, styled by Bertone
0:31:19 > 0:31:22and it was completely impractical.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26It therefore ticked all the supercar boxes.
0:31:26 > 0:31:31But unlike any other supercar before or since,
0:31:31 > 0:31:35it wasn't designed to be parked in Monte Carlo.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39It was designed to get there, like this.
0:31:41 > 0:31:47It's absurdly short wheel base meant it was agile and the Ferrari power meant it was fast.
0:31:47 > 0:31:51So fast that it won the World Rally Championship three times.
0:31:53 > 0:31:59And joy of joys, they made 500 Stratoses for people to buy.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07- Aarrggh!- Oh-ho-ho!
0:32:08 > 0:32:09ENGINE ROARS
0:32:09 > 0:32:11Oh, that's a proper noise.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15What a fantastic car!
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Of course, there were a few problems with it.
0:32:20 > 0:32:25Chief among which was a lack of space inside.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28A gynaecologist would get in here and go, "God, I'm at work!"
0:32:28 > 0:32:34It's like climbing into somebody else's giant red posing pouch.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36James May's!
0:32:36 > 0:32:38I'm going for a gear change.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Stop touching my knee.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43- You try changing gear. - You grasped hold of my knee.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45You've got to. I'm going to change gear now.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47This will involve man touching.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52The list of faults doesn't end with the tiny cockpit.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56Why did they give the passenger the pedals and the driver the wheel?
0:32:56 > 0:32:59- They're definitely over to the right-hand side.- Yeah.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02You're sort of sitting a bit sideways.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04These window winders are...
0:33:04 > 0:33:07A tad basic. It's not very good.
0:33:08 > 0:33:14- The other thing I really like as well is, you know a Porsche puts the rev counter right in front of you.- Yes.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18Lancia, in this, put the oil pressure right in front of you.
0:33:18 > 0:33:19What does that tell you!
0:33:19 > 0:33:22So, not perfect.
0:33:29 > 0:33:34But then you look at it and there's the thing, because it just sort of is.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40- This is one of the best cars ever made.- Yeah, I'd go with that.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44On the grounds of its achievement, but also that slightly more
0:33:44 > 0:33:47subjective thing of how gorgeous it looks.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49This...stop doing that to my knee.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51- Just move your leg. - That was a stroke!
0:33:51 > 0:33:53Move it!
0:33:56 > 0:33:58After the Stratos came the 037.
0:33:58 > 0:34:04The last two-wheel drive car to win the World Rally Championship.
0:34:06 > 0:34:11And the only two-wheel drive car to beat the mighty, Audi Quattro.
0:34:17 > 0:34:22The thing is though, no-one really remembers the 037.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29Then there's the Thema 832.
0:34:29 > 0:34:33Lancia's answer to the BMW M5.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35No one really remembers this, either,
0:34:35 > 0:34:40even though it had a fully fledged Ferrari V8 under the bonnet.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47We don't really remember any of Lancia's seven great cars,
0:34:47 > 0:34:51and all because of what happened in 1980.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57Lancia was forced by pressure from the media to spend a fortune
0:34:57 > 0:35:00buying back rusty beaters,
0:35:00 > 0:35:04scrapping them and giving their owners brand new cars.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07It was a PR disaster.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12In Britain, Lancia's reputation was ruined.
0:35:12 > 0:35:17And in 1994, they pulled out of the market altogether.
0:35:27 > 0:35:32However, before the most charismatic car maker of them all finally went,
0:35:32 > 0:35:38they left us with one final reminder of what they can do when they try.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48This is the Delta Integrale.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52A four-wheel-drive, turbo charged, rally car that picked up where
0:35:52 > 0:35:54the Fulvia, the Stratos and the 037 left off.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05This thing won the World Rally Championship six times on the trot...
0:36:05 > 0:36:07Six times!
0:36:08 > 0:36:11And you can feel that DNA in here.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16The steering is so neat, precise.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Feeling that there.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24Feel it settle into a turn and just grip,
0:36:24 > 0:36:26just pull itself back into the corner.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31The turbo comes on song.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52Having learnt their lesson with the Aprilia, Lancia weren't going
0:36:52 > 0:36:56to be stupid enough to make these only in right-hand drive,
0:36:56 > 0:37:01so they made them left-hand drive...only.
0:37:05 > 0:37:06Only Lancia.
0:37:08 > 0:37:14Despite this, a good one of these today is worth £25,000.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18And I'm not surprised.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Because this is a very unusual Lancia.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25It wasn't very pretty.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28But, God, it was good.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39It's so pretty.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Unbelievably pretty.
0:37:41 > 0:37:46I actually want one. I'm standing here thinking, "I want one."
0:37:46 > 0:37:52But, what I love about Lancia is that they never once said, "Let's just make a medium car."
0:37:52 > 0:37:57No, they were always doing experiments. Some of the experiments worked, and some didn't.
0:37:57 > 0:38:02But that's the nature of it. They might think, "Can we make an engine with seven and a half cylinders?"
0:38:02 > 0:38:05Let's see the windows can work, not with electricity,
0:38:05 > 0:38:09but with magic. Abracadabra! No, it hasn't worked. Sell it anyway.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Exactly, and that's what made them so magnificent.
0:38:12 > 0:38:16They are still going today but now they're just a division of Fiat
0:38:16 > 0:38:20making things like this, which is neither very pretty nor very good.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22What it is in essence is a Fiat Bravo
0:38:22 > 0:38:25with Rio Ferdinand's face stuck on the front.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29But fear not, because if you still hanker over the glory days,
0:38:29 > 0:38:33then later on in the show, we have something to warm the cockles of your heart.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37Yes, but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40My guest tonight is a broadcasting legend.
0:38:40 > 0:38:44He also has an astonishing collection of cars...
0:38:44 > 0:38:49I have a list for you here: A Ferrari 599, Ferrari F40, Ferrari California,
0:38:49 > 0:38:54Ferrari Enzo, Ferrari 288 GTO,
0:38:54 > 0:39:00Ferrari 308 GTS, Ferrari 246 Dino, Ferrari 275 GTB quad-cam,
0:39:00 > 0:39:03Ferrari 250 GT California short wheel base,
0:39:03 > 0:39:06and Ferrari 250 GT California long wheel base.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10So, let's find out if there's any particular type of car he likes.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Evans!
0:39:13 > 0:39:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:14 > 0:39:17- How are you? - Good, Jeremy. How are you?
0:39:17 > 0:39:20- Very well. You've grown up, Chris Evans.- Hi.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Have a seat, mate. Have a seat.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28Presumably, you disagree with our greatest car verdict, then?
0:39:28 > 0:39:30- Oh, quelle surprise.- Lancia.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33You don't believe, judging by your collection
0:39:33 > 0:39:36that they're a particularly brilliant maker of motor cars?
0:39:36 > 0:39:39- What, a car falling to bits, the best marque in the world!- Yes.
0:39:39 > 0:39:40Are you mad or are you mental?
0:39:40 > 0:39:44Lancias only came in black and rust!
0:39:44 > 0:39:48I still stand by... There's more Lancias I'd like to...
0:39:48 > 0:39:51The number of Ferraris I'd like to own now is one.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54What about the 860 Monza? What about the 750 Monza?
0:39:54 > 0:39:57What about the 850 Monza? What about the PF 250? What about the four-cam?
0:39:57 > 0:39:59What about the...
0:39:59 > 0:40:04A lot of people write and complain that this isn't a car show any more. It is now!
0:40:04 > 0:40:09I love this enthusiasm. Why have you painted all yours white?
0:40:09 > 0:40:13Because I wanted them to match. I wanted them to be a work of art.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16I've got a white garage or "car house" as they're sometimes known.
0:40:16 > 0:40:20It's got a white piano in it, right?
0:40:20 > 0:40:24That plays itself, and there are these eight beautiful white Ferraris.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27And I've got matching number plates. And it's so anal, it's not true.
0:40:27 > 0:40:32Which leads you to that auction. When you bid for the Ferrari California. The James Coburn car.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35- Yes.- This is terribly vulgar. I wouldn't normally do it,
0:40:35 > 0:40:36how much did you pay for that?
0:40:36 > 0:40:39It was the most expensive car sold at auction in the world.
0:40:39 > 0:40:43- When I bought it. - Last year? A lot of millions?
0:40:43 > 0:40:46- Yeah, it was 12 million. - How drunk were you?
0:40:46 > 0:40:50I wasn't drunk at all. The point is, I didn't go to buy the car.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52I went to buy a poster.
0:40:52 > 0:40:53LAUGHTER
0:40:53 > 0:40:55I'm not joking. I went to buy a poster.
0:40:55 > 0:41:00The 250 short wheel base California Spider came up on the stand, my second favourite car in the world.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04Why? Because it was in my Top Trumps collection. It's as simple as that.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07That's how these things work and that's how life is sometimes.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09I thought, I'll go for it.
0:41:09 > 0:41:13That was the best one in the world, James Coburn owned it for 28 years.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16He brought it because he met Steve McQueen on The Great Escape...just
0:41:16 > 0:41:20talking about this makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
0:41:20 > 0:41:25It's all documented, I've got all the history and now that little baby's back in the garage at home.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28- I show it to as many people as I can.- Unbelievable.
0:41:28 > 0:41:33I was listening to you the other day, I listen to you every day whilst stuck in a traffic jam, and you've
0:41:33 > 0:41:39auctioned your entire collection of Ferraris, well most of your collection, for Children In Need.
0:41:39 > 0:41:40- Yes.- So how does that work?
0:41:40 > 0:41:43People ring in and they were bidding?
0:41:43 > 0:41:46- Yes.- And then they can drive whichever one they want?
0:41:46 > 0:41:52What happens is, we take the seven highest bids on the day and they spend a four-day tour
0:41:52 > 0:41:57and during the four days, each person who's bid the amount of money gets to drive every single car.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00Isn't that terrifying from your point of view?
0:42:00 > 0:42:01It's only tin and rubber.
0:42:01 > 0:42:05The great thing about these cars, if anybody comes round to my house,
0:42:05 > 0:42:08if they're fitting a carpet, doing the garden, burgling...
0:42:08 > 0:42:12I say, "Just before you take that, come and have a look at the cars."
0:42:12 > 0:42:15I think it's really important to share these cars with people.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17But you don't know who's bid.
0:42:17 > 0:42:18I mean, you know their names.
0:42:18 > 0:42:23- But, you could have any sort of ape turning up.- Well, if you bid, then...
0:42:23 > 0:42:25LAUGHTER
0:42:26 > 0:42:29Now, you've got a book out.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31It's Not What You Think... Which is what it's called.
0:42:31 > 0:42:36- Yes.- And there's lists of everything at the beginning of every chapter. - Top tens.- Yes.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39Which is great. A man loves a top ten. We like to quantify everything.
0:42:39 > 0:42:44But this car business, it does seem to me that cars...you sometimes claim
0:42:44 > 0:42:48- you're not a car man, but you bloody well are!- No, I'm definitely a car man.
0:42:48 > 0:42:52Behind my family, my job, maybe, you're not going to like this,
0:42:52 > 0:42:56maybe golf, then I am a car man.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59Sometimes, if I'm away from home, the first thing I do,
0:42:59 > 0:43:02I get back home and I have to go to the garage just to have a smell.
0:43:02 > 0:43:06I love it. The smell of petrol and leather, I love it to death.
0:43:06 > 0:43:09It's better than stuff I've never tried.
0:43:09 > 0:43:11LAUGHTER
0:43:13 > 0:43:18OK. Now, obviously the big news is that, Chris Evans, enfant terrible
0:43:18 > 0:43:24of the broadcasting air waves for many years, is about to take over from the Terry Master.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27Has he given you any advice about morning stuff?
0:43:27 > 0:43:31- Like, how to get up early? - Well, Terry doesn't get up early.
0:43:31 > 0:43:37- Terry starts at half past seven. That's not a breakfast show. - What time are you starting?- Seven.
0:43:37 > 0:43:41It is funny because you'll have to pretend to be older than you are.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43No, I'm not, because if somebody is 60...
0:43:43 > 0:43:46We had a request for somebody's 60th birthday, they wanted Van Halen,
0:43:46 > 0:43:51because that's the music that was around... So, we're OK. There's quality tunes about...
0:43:51 > 0:43:55You had Brian Johnson on the show, lead singer of ACDC, 62 years old. It's all fine.
0:43:55 > 0:44:00It is all fine. My generation, are going to be in our old people's home
0:44:00 > 0:44:02- with Anarchy In The UK in our wheelchairs.- How great's that?
0:44:02 > 0:44:07- We won't even have wheelchairs and we're still going to be doing that. - I am that the Antichrist.
0:44:07 > 0:44:11- Give me a wheelchair. - I don't want any more, Gracie Fields, just this. Yeah, exactly.
0:44:11 > 0:44:17- How did it go for you, out there today on our lap? - Well, I did my best.
0:44:17 > 0:44:21- Probably the worst weather there's ever been out there.- Yeah, yeah.
0:44:21 > 0:44:26The Stig, what a lovely man, he could not have been nicer, however, what I decided to do...
0:44:26 > 0:44:29I've had a great life. I've had a great time, thanks very much.
0:44:29 > 0:44:32I thought, if I'm going to die, let's die today on this track.
0:44:32 > 0:44:39He did actually say, "As far as I could work out, Chris, has no sense of self-preservation."
0:44:39 > 0:44:42Who wants to see it? Come on, let's have a look.
0:44:42 > 0:44:44ENGINE ROARS
0:44:44 > 0:44:47So, you haven't learned your lesson, still going for brute force.
0:44:47 > 0:44:50Come on! Hello, family.
0:44:50 > 0:44:55Concentrate, man. Concentrate on the job in hand. That is wet.
0:44:55 > 0:44:57Good. Ooh, it's Joe 90 behind the wheel.
0:44:57 > 0:45:00Cutting across the red and whites, that's slippery.
0:45:00 > 0:45:04- You're looking quite good, though. - You've never been good at anything
0:45:04 > 0:45:06like this in your life, try and have a go at this.
0:45:06 > 0:45:10- Have you really never been good at anything?- Not like this, no.
0:45:10 > 0:45:14I'm with you, all sports are impossible. But that's not bad.
0:45:14 > 0:45:16You've got to nail Hammerhead, Chrissy.
0:45:16 > 0:45:20You've got to do this, even though your chin does look like a bum!
0:45:21 > 0:45:24There's Hammerhead. Will we get round it this time?
0:45:24 > 0:45:28Oh no, we've put cones out so Jonathan Ross doesn't get lost if he ever comes back.
0:45:28 > 0:45:32You're in the white lines. That looks slow but that's important for a quick time.
0:45:32 > 0:45:33Aim for the cameraman!
0:45:33 > 0:45:38Bad karma. Because I missed the gear, aiming for the cameraman.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41He's getting a bit tired now.
0:45:43 > 0:45:45That's looking good.
0:45:45 > 0:45:48Oh, the smell of the clutch. Mmmm!
0:45:48 > 0:45:51But does it smell of victory?
0:45:51 > 0:45:56I'm being a bit of a wuss into the final bend. Come on now.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58Cut the corner, just a bit.
0:45:58 > 0:46:01That's the trick. That's good. That's quite a lot!
0:46:01 > 0:46:04This one... Cut it a lot!
0:46:06 > 0:46:08So an entirely new way across the line!
0:46:08 > 0:46:11APPLAUSE
0:46:11 > 0:46:15So, here we are. There's the board.
0:46:15 > 0:46:17There is the board.
0:46:17 > 0:46:22Where do you think... Obviously we will give you a wet lap there. We'll put Chris Evans "wet" on it.
0:46:22 > 0:46:26- Where do you think you've come? - I don't think it's that impressive,
0:46:26 > 0:46:32but I did try my best. But I'm not going to lean forward. I'm going to just try and be cool.
0:46:32 > 0:46:35We've never had a guest who's managed to stay just like that.
0:46:35 > 0:46:37My heart is racing.
0:46:37 > 0:46:44You did it in one minute, so you're quicker than Terry Wogan was.
0:46:44 > 0:46:49You're already the new fastest Radio Two breakfast show host we've ever had.
0:46:49 > 0:46:51In the last 40 years!
0:46:51 > 0:46:54In the last 40 years! You did it in one minute...
0:46:54 > 0:46:58- 40...- Oh, that's good.
0:46:58 > 0:47:00..48.1. For a wet lap,
0:47:00 > 0:47:06that's the third-fastest wet lap we've ever had.
0:47:08 > 0:47:10Oh, look. There's your ex.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13I'm just above her, but I'm not on top of her, I'm just above her.
0:47:13 > 0:47:16Cos she's my ex.
0:47:16 > 0:47:18Although David Tennant said we only allowed her
0:47:18 > 0:47:22to do that after she cut corners because she was wearing a see-through top.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24And he was quite right, of course!
0:47:24 > 0:47:26But then you cut corners as well.
0:47:26 > 0:47:29Next time I'm going to wear a see-through top.
0:47:29 > 0:47:32Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Evans.
0:47:32 > 0:47:35Best of luck. APPLAUSE
0:47:37 > 0:47:39That is a good time. You can be proud of that.
0:47:45 > 0:47:49Earlier on in the show, we explained that Lancia, the greatest car company
0:47:49 > 0:47:55in the world, just because of a few problems with rust 30 years ago,
0:47:55 > 0:47:58they're not available in the UK anymore.
0:47:58 > 0:48:04The thing is though, as Jeremy's been finding out, you can still get one, sort of.
0:48:08 > 0:48:12This is a Lancia Stratos, except for one small thing.
0:48:12 > 0:48:14It isn't.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19It wasn't made in the 1970s in Italy - in fact,
0:48:19 > 0:48:24I don't know where it was made. In a shed in Nuneaton, probably.
0:48:27 > 0:48:29This, you see, is a kit car.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32Either you can pay someone to build it for you,
0:48:32 > 0:48:37or you can make it at home yourself with a hammer.
0:48:37 > 0:48:40Apparently, if you're fairly competent,
0:48:40 > 0:48:42that would take about 300 hours.
0:48:42 > 0:48:48Obviously, it would take me about 300 years, which is a very long time.
0:48:48 > 0:48:50But there is an upside.
0:48:50 > 0:48:56An original Stratos would cost £100,000, maybe more.
0:48:56 > 0:48:59That is £13,000.
0:49:05 > 0:49:10In theory, that makes this, the Hawk HF, the bargain of the century.
0:49:10 > 0:49:17The body is absolutely identical to the original, all the panels are completely interchangeable.
0:49:20 > 0:49:23The interior, too, would be familiar to Lancia fans.
0:49:25 > 0:49:29The pedals are nowhere near where the bottom of my legs are.
0:49:29 > 0:49:34The steering wheel is perilously close to where my testes used to be,
0:49:34 > 0:49:38before the seatbelt jammed them up into my lungs.
0:49:38 > 0:49:41The gear lever is like one of Bugs Bunny's ears,
0:49:41 > 0:49:45and one of the switches on the dashboard operates the fire extinguisher,
0:49:45 > 0:49:48but since I don't know which one it is, I daren't touch any of them.
0:49:48 > 0:49:52The wiper has gone upside down.
0:49:52 > 0:49:57That wouldn't actually clear the rain from the window.
0:49:57 > 0:50:01And then there was a big noise.
0:50:02 > 0:50:06Wait a minute. What the hell? What was that!?
0:50:06 > 0:50:09The front left brake had jammed on.
0:50:09 > 0:50:14I've got to get this into a workshop. Come on, come on!
0:50:14 > 0:50:20'I took the car to Nigel, the resident mechanic at our track, and greeted him in the usual fashion.'
0:50:20 > 0:50:21Have you got a hammer?
0:50:25 > 0:50:30That is scalding hot, as we can see on the thermal imaging camera.
0:50:33 > 0:50:36He's gone to answer the phone now.
0:50:36 > 0:50:43While we wait, I suppose I should explain the £13,000 doesn't include the cost of an engine.
0:50:43 > 0:50:48You have to get one yourself. And you've a choice of two, you can either get Fiat's twin-cam,
0:50:48 > 0:50:54which you can buy used these days for about 5p, or for £600, you can get the engine I have in this.
0:50:54 > 0:50:59You use this handle, which is disguised as a spoiler, to get the back up, and there you are.
0:50:59 > 0:51:03Alfa's brilliant three-litre V6.
0:51:03 > 0:51:08This actually produces more power than the Ferrari engine Lancia used,
0:51:08 > 0:51:11and with it, the Hawk is faster.
0:51:11 > 0:51:15When it's working. Which it will be... eventually.
0:51:20 > 0:51:23It is mended. And now I'm going to get back in.
0:51:23 > 0:51:27Which is a surprisingly elegant process... if you're a mouse.
0:51:27 > 0:51:29You simply get one...
0:51:29 > 0:51:31Oh, that's not good.
0:51:31 > 0:51:35You sort of get over this roll bar, like this.
0:51:35 > 0:51:37Then you get your head in.
0:51:37 > 0:51:42It's probably easier to detach your head first and put it back on in the car.
0:51:43 > 0:51:44There we are.
0:51:44 > 0:51:51Over there, and then you might want to cut the camera for this bit. This is a bit...
0:51:54 > 0:51:57I had intended at this point to check out the performance,
0:51:57 > 0:52:01but after the brake problem, I'd rather lost my nerve.
0:52:07 > 0:52:110-60 takes less than five seconds
0:52:11 > 0:52:16and what I'm NOT going to do now is see where that acceleration stops.
0:52:16 > 0:52:21I really don't want to travel at 150 miles an hour
0:52:21 > 0:52:24in a car built in a shed by a man I've never met.
0:52:24 > 0:52:29This is 90, perhaps that's... The wiper's gone.
0:52:31 > 0:52:37That is an important consideration you have to bear in mind if you're thinking of buying a used kit car.
0:52:37 > 0:52:44You have to ask, "Was it built fastidiously by James May over a period of many hundreds of years?
0:52:44 > 0:52:49"Or was it built by a spanner with a hammer?"
0:52:51 > 0:52:54I mean, would you buy a kit car that I'd built?
0:52:59 > 0:53:03Having chickened on the max speed run, I decided to NOT find out
0:53:03 > 0:53:06what it's like flat-out through the corners.
0:53:09 > 0:53:14Here we go! I'm going in. And here I'm cornering, not at all flat-out.
0:53:16 > 0:53:1860, that's fine.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21Brakes, all three and three quarters of them, are very squirrelly.
0:53:21 > 0:53:26The steering's very heavy, a lot of body roll.
0:53:26 > 0:53:31There we are. I think that's probably enough cornering now, we've done that, tick.
0:53:35 > 0:53:40Certainly then, the Hawk is only as good as the bloke who put it together.
0:53:40 > 0:53:43You'll spend more time under it than in it, for example.
0:53:45 > 0:53:49I'm not going to pretend it's as good as an original Stratos either,
0:53:49 > 0:53:54for the same reason that a postcard of the Mona Lisa
0:53:54 > 0:53:56is not as good as Leonardo's.
0:53:58 > 0:54:00But one day your car will be working,
0:54:00 > 0:54:06and you'll see a reflection of yourself in a shop window as you go by,
0:54:06 > 0:54:11and trust me on this, that's going to feel good.
0:54:11 > 0:54:14Because critically, this looks like a Stratos.
0:54:14 > 0:54:19And if we're honest, that's all we really want.
0:54:25 > 0:54:28APPLAUSE
0:54:34 > 0:54:38I would like to build a kit car like that,
0:54:38 > 0:54:42because I think it would be very therapeutic. It would be.
0:54:42 > 0:54:45It's more satisfying to have something you've made yourself.
0:54:45 > 0:54:49I don't even like to eat a sandwich I've made myself,
0:54:49 > 0:54:52because it's always got blood in it and bits of my fingers.
0:54:52 > 0:54:57Anyway, we must now find out how fast this car goes round our track,
0:54:57 > 0:55:01and of course, that means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
0:55:01 > 0:55:05Some say that his new Christmas range of fragrances
0:55:05 > 0:55:09includes the great smell of Wednesday
0:55:09 > 0:55:14and that he was turned down for the job of EU President
0:55:14 > 0:55:17because his face is just too recognisable.
0:55:19 > 0:55:22All we know is he's call The Stig.
0:55:24 > 0:55:27He's off, there he goes. I say, listen to that noise.
0:55:27 > 0:55:33The Alfa V6 sounds, if anything, even better than the Ferrari V6.
0:55:34 > 0:55:36That's fantastic sound.
0:55:36 > 0:55:39What's happening here?
0:55:39 > 0:55:42Is he looking for the stereo, no? Stiggy, what's gone wrong?
0:55:42 > 0:55:44He's broken down!
0:55:44 > 0:55:51How authentic is that? Yes, this is a scene familiar to any Lancia owner.
0:55:51 > 0:55:55Look at him walking off, completing his journey on foot.
0:55:55 > 0:55:57Not across the line.
0:55:57 > 0:56:01Now, there is no way we were going to allow
0:56:01 > 0:56:07our first-ever DNF, did not finish, on the board, to be a Lancia, no way.
0:56:07 > 0:56:11So we mended the car in a shed,
0:56:11 > 0:56:17OK, brought it back, it was here this morning for The Stig to try again.
0:56:18 > 0:56:21Unfortunately, it was raining this time.
0:56:21 > 0:56:25But the car has set off well, still making a fabulous noise,
0:56:25 > 0:56:28look at the rooster tails, still dipping badly,
0:56:28 > 0:56:31underbraking as The Stig turns in.
0:56:31 > 0:56:33That's a bit wide, Stiggy!
0:56:33 > 0:56:35Where are you going?
0:56:35 > 0:56:39He's got it back. Now, that's amazing driving as he comes up now
0:56:39 > 0:56:44to Chicago, locked up the front, back stepped out, this is wide.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46He's gone! The Stig has spun!
0:56:46 > 0:56:51That's not going to stop him, he's still going on, look at that for determination.
0:56:51 > 0:56:54Stig's obviously a Lancia fan as he comes up to the Hammerhead.
0:56:54 > 0:57:00Yes, he's got it to turn in nicely, done better than Chris Evans there.
0:57:00 > 0:57:04Nice through with the whole beautifully-held slide.
0:57:04 > 0:57:07It's gone wrong, he's headed for the camera crew.
0:57:07 > 0:57:09I bet they were frightened!
0:57:09 > 0:57:11Is he breaking down again? No, he isn't.
0:57:11 > 0:57:14That's not at all Lancia-ish as he comes to the follow-through.
0:57:14 > 0:57:18Yes, he's definitely backed off of that and I can't say I blame him,
0:57:18 > 0:57:21as he heads now towards the tyres, building up speed,
0:57:21 > 0:57:24but not too much speed. Now he's coming down.
0:57:24 > 0:57:26Crikey, this is out of control now.
0:57:26 > 0:57:30He's done it, he's round the second to last corner, he's gone again!
0:57:32 > 0:57:37Now that's what I call driving, as he comes round Gambon, this time across the line.
0:57:37 > 0:57:39APPLAUSE
0:57:39 > 0:57:43That is the best-looking lap we've ever seen.
0:57:43 > 0:57:45And I have to say, one of the most exciting.
0:57:45 > 0:57:49- Spectacular. - Car control is phenomenal.
0:57:49 > 0:57:55The time was... 1.48.2,
0:57:55 > 0:58:01which means it's also the slowest lap we've ever had round the Top Gear test track.
0:58:01 > 0:58:04Can you imagine how long it would have taken if he'd built it?
0:58:04 > 0:58:06He wouldn't have finished the lap by now!
0:58:06 > 0:58:09- Yes, it would.- Or now. - Anyway, listen.
0:58:09 > 0:58:12Next week we're on for reasons we don't understand at 8.30pm.
0:58:12 > 0:58:14Or now.
0:58:14 > 0:58:18- On that bombshell...- Or now. - ..it's time to end.
0:58:18 > 0:58:20- Thank you for watching. - Or now.- Or now.- Goodnight!
0:58:26 > 0:58:28Or now!
0:58:36 > 0:58:39Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:39 > 0:58:42E-mail - subtitling@bbc.co.uk