0:00:11 > 0:00:15Tonight, we drive down a sewer.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18We power slide across a field.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- And some other things as well. - I can't see where I'm going.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Thank you, everybody. Hello!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hello. Welcome.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Hello. Thank you, thank you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Now...
0:00:36 > 0:00:40what do you suppose is the slowest means of transport
0:00:40 > 0:00:41in this day and age?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Canal boat?
0:00:43 > 0:00:44- WOMAN:- James May.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46James May.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Getting a piggyback from James May, possibly.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Turns out, though, the answer is air travel,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55as Richard Hammond explains.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01This is an airport.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03It's a place where you wait around a lot.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07But the waiting isn't just because of delayed planes.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11No, the problem runs deeper than that.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Everything that moves at an airport just takes an age.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19The tug that drags the plane to the gate crawls like a snail.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23The bus that ferries the passengers to the place is deathly slow.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25The catering truck is always late,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28the fuel truck just meanders about with no sense of urgency
0:01:28 > 0:01:30and as for that little thing
0:01:30 > 0:01:32that drags the luggage around in a big train,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34maybe that's the reason
0:01:34 > 0:01:36why you have to wait for a year at the luggage carousel.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Net result - misery.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42In fact, some youngsters who check in to fly somewhere on a school trip
0:01:42 > 0:01:45often die of old age in the departure lounge.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And that's an actual fact.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Time, then, for Top Gear to step in,
0:01:50 > 0:01:54and in the same we solved the bendy bus issue,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58we shall tackle this problem through the crucible of motor sport.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Let's begin by assembling a selection of typical airport vehicles.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09First up, the aircraft steps.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Never there when you need them. Hope they can buck their ideas up.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Then we have the thing that lugs the luggage around,
0:02:16 > 0:02:18complete with...luggage.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22The fuel tanker, heavy and full of...
0:02:22 > 0:02:23stuff.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Fuel.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Next, the bendy bus that ferries the passengers around.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31We're already pretty familiar with those.
0:02:31 > 0:02:37Ah, the fire engine. Absolutely no excuse for tardiness for that one.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39And the catering truck.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Always late, sometimes better if it didn't turn up at all.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And finally,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47the heaviest beast of all - the aircraft tug.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51So, there we are -
0:02:51 > 0:02:55a group of machines that normally trundle around at a snail's pace.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00But just think how much faster the whole airport experience would be
0:03:00 > 0:03:03if we could speed things up.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05To show the airport bosses
0:03:05 > 0:03:08just what untapped potential these machines have,
0:03:08 > 0:03:09welcome to the inaugural
0:03:09 > 0:03:15Top Gear Various Airport Vehicles Motor Sport Challenge Race...
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Challenge.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Our venue for this ground-breaking event
0:03:20 > 0:03:24is London's Heathrow Airport, just outside London.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Normally it is a lot busier than this
0:03:29 > 0:03:32but the people who run Heathrow closed it for the day
0:03:32 > 0:03:38and they've moved all the jumbos and, um, terminals off to the side,
0:03:38 > 0:03:39out of shot...
0:03:39 > 0:03:42They have, that's what they've done.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47So, with that taken care of, all I need now are some drivers.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Sadly, the airport ground staff just won't cut the mustard.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53But guess who I ran into in Duty Free.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Touring car legend, Tom Chilton.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Touring car legend, Matt Neal.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Touring car legend, Mat Jackson.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Touring car legend, Gordon Shedden.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Touring car legend, Anthony Reid.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18And truck racing legend, Stuart Oliver.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24The drivers climbed into their chosen machines,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27leaving me with the fire engine.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I can't reach the switch.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32ENGINE STARTS
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Yeah!
0:04:35 > 0:04:40All of these vehicles have very different engines and what have you,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42and so whichever one wins today
0:04:42 > 0:04:45is the vehicle we will be recommending
0:04:45 > 0:04:47all future aircraft vehicles are based on,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50regardless of function or task.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54ENGINES REV
0:04:55 > 0:04:58This is a pretty serious scientific experiment,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00so I have stressed to the other drivers
0:05:00 > 0:05:02in the strongest possible terms,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05absolutely no body contact whatsoever.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19We're away!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25The catering lorry - I can't believe how that took off!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28'Although the fire truck was incredibly noisy...'
0:05:28 > 0:05:30ENGINE WHINES
0:05:30 > 0:05:33'..on paper, it had got winning potential.'
0:05:44 > 0:05:49'On the minus side, however, it was still a fire truck.'
0:05:58 > 0:06:01'Very soon, I was falling back.'
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Oh, no! I mean, what good would this be in an emergency situation
0:06:09 > 0:06:13if the bloody catering truck gets there before the fire engine?!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16'And predictably, with me out of the way,
0:06:16 > 0:06:20'the touring car boys were ignoring my strict no-contact rule.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30'If I was to get back in and restore order, I needed to act fast.'
0:06:30 > 0:06:32There, that'll do.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Ha-ha!
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Oh! Yep.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I can't see where I'm going. I can't see.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I wonder what's happened to the world.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46'But the crash diet did the trick.'
0:06:48 > 0:06:53I'm back in the race in my lightweight fire truck superleggera!
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Yes!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56'Unfortunately,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59'the other drivers weren't impressed with the new track conditions.'
0:07:11 > 0:07:13That's lapped the bendy bus!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Ah-ha-ha-ha!
0:07:21 > 0:07:27'Several laps into the race and no clear winner was emerging.'
0:07:30 > 0:07:33The stairs in front of me now, they're an unknown quanti...TY!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Oh, my God!
0:07:35 > 0:07:40'So, with great regret, I ordered the drivers to turn up the wick.'
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Maximum revs!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51'Pretty soon, the results started to come,
0:07:51 > 0:07:56'with the fuel tender taking a pretty serious kicking from the catering truck.'
0:08:06 > 0:08:09The fuel lorry is out.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Oh!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24'With just two laps to go,
0:08:24 > 0:08:28'the 29-tonne tug and the luggage trolley
0:08:28 > 0:08:30'were at the back in a fight of their own.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33'And following an accidental manoeuvre by me...'
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Woah! '..the bendy bus was now crippled,
0:08:39 > 0:08:43'meaning it was now all down to me, the catering truck and the stairs.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51'Correction - make that me and the catering truck.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56'Which, as we entered the final lap, had suddenly changed tactics.'
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Woah! What's he done with that?!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05'What he'd done was genius.'
0:09:15 > 0:09:19'The lightweight catering truck shot into the lead.'
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Woah!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22'But the racing driver,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24'being a racing driver,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27'had forgotten about the laws of physics.'
0:09:30 > 0:09:33That is the catering truck out of it.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36That is good news indeed. Yeah!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Ahh! There you go!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46'So, airports of the world, take note.'
0:09:46 > 0:09:47From now on,
0:09:47 > 0:09:51all airport vehicles will be based on the fire engine,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53which will be brilliant
0:09:53 > 0:09:55as long as there isn't a fire.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02CHEERING
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Excellent work.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Excellent science, Doctor.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Excellent science.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- More of that.- More research, yeah.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Now let's do the news.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Yes, let's. Right... Oh, yes.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Every week, the Daily Mirror runs a story
0:10:20 > 0:10:23saying that we've done something unspeakable.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25You know, we've stolen all the Army's helicopters
0:10:25 > 0:10:29or we've accidentally clubbed an old lady to death with a baby seal.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30This week, OK,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33the story they chose to run with was this.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35OK? Here it is.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Big story saying that...
0:10:37 > 0:10:41homosexuals are banned from the Top Gear studio audience.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Now, seriously, honestly,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- I've never read such rubbish in my life, ever.- Now, it is true...
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- LAUGHTER - ..that we like an even split of men and women in the audience,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54otherwise it's a bit like the early days
0:10:54 > 0:10:57when we only got the Subaru owners club, and that's a bit grizzly.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59But we do not actually insist
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- that you sleep with the person you come to the studio with.- No.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I mean, often, you know, mums come down with their sons
0:11:06 > 0:11:08and we're not suggesting that...
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- You know, that's...- No, we're not. - But everybody's welcome.- Exactly.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- The truth is, we welcome homosexual couples here.- We do.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- We particularly like the lesbian sort.- Oh, God!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Oh, no. No, no, no.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25- I saw a film about lesbians on the internet once.- Oh, God!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28LAUGHTER
0:11:28 > 0:11:31It looked very interesting.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Now, BMW, OK, have made...they've made this. It's an M5 CSL, OK?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38It's got a carbon fibre roof,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42it's got a longer-stroke engine, 5.5 litres, 580 horsepower.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45That is 20 seconds a lap faster round the Nurburgring
0:11:45 > 0:11:47than the standard M5.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- Wow. - LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I know. The big "wow" is... Do you know what it is?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55They're not going to make it, and that's weird to me.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Why go to all that trouble if you're not going to make it?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02That's like...sleeping with a woman when you don't want to have a baby.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07No, that doesn't work, does it? That's the worst metaphor ever.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- You're on your own with that! - The real reason I brought this up
0:12:11 > 0:12:13are these BMW racing colours,
0:12:13 > 0:12:18because you don't see racing colours any more in motor racing.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22You remember the Alitalia colours and the Martini...
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It's a good point, because these days, you get a white car,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- and then it just says something like "Panasonic".- Ugh!
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Those new teams coming into F1,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31they should choose their sponsors
0:12:31 > 0:12:35according to which sponsors are going to give them the best-looking car.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38With the Sheffield team that we talked about,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40they could get sponsored by... well, by a local band.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42The Human League!
0:12:42 > 0:12:45They could all have helmets that are shorter on one side!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Because you know Timo Glock.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52He was working as a waiter in a cocktail bar.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57- They don't want him.- They picked him up, turned him around and turned him into something new.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Yes, all right, enough '80s lyrics references!
0:13:00 > 0:13:04I know what would make an excellent sponsor for a motor racing team.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08If you say Morrisons, I'm going to stab you in the heart.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10No, I think After Eight mints.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13There's that dark green with a little gold stripe on.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Does...- Aston Martin.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- Dark green... - They race at Le Mans...- Yeah.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19..24-hour race.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22It would be after eight in an After Eight car!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Make that happen. Do it.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29What about Cooper's marmalade? You could have an orange racing car, but with bits in.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30What?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32You could have beef Hula Hoops.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Um...
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Bovril... Not Bovril. Bisto!
0:13:35 > 0:13:40Then you could have that white thing down the car that could say, "Aah"!
0:13:40 > 0:13:44James, you're just naming things you like and they're all brown!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46James May's Formula Brown!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49"Look, Church's shoes is overtaking the cottage pie!"
0:13:49 > 0:13:52What would you rather...? Yes, but what would you rather have -
0:13:52 > 0:13:54gravy overtakes pie
0:13:54 > 0:13:58or the gone-bust bank overtakes the Japanese producer of electronics?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- He's got a point. - No, I'd want to watch that.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06- Why have I got a vision of James May smearing himself in Marmite?!- Oh, my God!
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Listen,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10do you want an Audi A4, OK,
0:14:10 > 0:14:14that's much more expensive and harder to park?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Yes, I do.- Good news, because this week,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19we've received news that there's a new Audi A8.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24It's designed by a man called Mick Dick.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25LAUGHTER
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I've got... No, no, no, I've got the bumf here, OK? Um...
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Has he anything interesting to tell us about it?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39JEREMY MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY
0:14:41 > 0:14:42No.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Well...what does it look like?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48No idea. This is the picture they sent, OK?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- It's under a cloth!- Yes.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Who's he?- Mick Dick. - Oh, that's him!- Yeah.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00Best friend, as it turns out, of Billy Willy!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02They work for Bob Knob, do they?!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04With Roger Todger.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08They were going to get it designed by the Scottish car designer...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Jock Cock!
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Actually,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14there was something interesting in here, OK?
0:15:14 > 0:15:15There was, genuinely, right?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19What Audi has done is they've outlined what the A8 customer is.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- GERMAN ACCENT:- And they say... he is highly affluent
0:15:22 > 0:15:26with an average income of 500,000 a year,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28er...
0:15:28 > 0:15:30he is 58 years old
0:15:30 > 0:15:33er, highly educated,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35mostly married.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- Mostly married? How? - What does that... So he's married down to there?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41And this bit is separated?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Yeah, it says he's got a few children still in the household.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- What, in the basement? - Yeah, he's a kidnapper as well.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Anyone here who is 58 years old, on half a million dollars a year
0:15:50 > 0:15:55with divorced shins and some children in the basement?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Oh, dear, Mick Dick's cocked up.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04He's built a car for someone who doesn't exist.
0:16:04 > 0:16:10- Yeah.- So let's move on. You see, it doesn't matter what sort of a person you are.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13There is always a car to suit.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17If, for example, you're an air hostess, you can have an Audi TT.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21If you're a Freemason, hm, you can have a Lexus.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24If you have huge ears with hair sprouting out of them,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27you can have a Peugeot 3008.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER
0:16:28 > 0:16:30But...what if you're mad?
0:16:30 > 0:16:36What if you can't walk past a window without being overcome with an uncontrollable need to lick it?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42There's never been a car to suit you...until now.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48This is no ordinary BMW X5.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52This is an S&M X5.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55What they've done is taken the standard car
0:16:55 > 0:17:03and inserted under the bonnet a 555 horsepower, 4.4 litre twin-turbo-charged V8.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08The results are as dramatic as putting a furious weasel
0:17:08 > 0:17:10in your underpants.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Gallon of fuel gone there.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22There's another one gone. And another.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25This car would be less annoying to eco-mentalists
0:17:25 > 0:17:28if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.
0:17:30 > 0:17:37Still, it produces more power and more torque than a Ferrari 430 Scuderia.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45So, despite the enormous weight, we're told that in a drag race,
0:17:45 > 0:17:49it should be able to make mincemeat out of most sports cars.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Go!
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Yep. This is a five-litre, super-charged sports car.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- HE LAUGHS - And it's winning.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Yeah, there you go - look. There's Usain Bolt.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15Thrashing John Prescott here, contrary to the information we received.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22We weren't expecting that. We looked up some figures in the office
0:18:22 > 0:18:26and they suggested that this would win and now it hasn't.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27That's a bit embarrassing.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32The handling is equally surprising.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34But in a good way.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49It is remarkable that here I am four miles high in the sky
0:18:49 > 0:18:53driving a car that weighs slightly more than the centre of the earth.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56And it's fine. It's better than fine.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59It's not an M5, but for something like this, it's amazing.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04And of course, it's all great,
0:19:04 > 0:19:09but in a big 4x4 school bus, what's the point?
0:19:09 > 0:19:15I don't know what the world record is for the most amount of sick to come out of a child,
0:19:15 > 0:19:21but I reckon if you put a nine-year-old in the back of one of these and drove like this...
0:19:24 > 0:19:26..he could beat it.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37And look at this. This tells you how much torque is going to each wheel
0:19:37 > 0:19:39at any given moment.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Can you imagine bringing that up on a first date?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Have you seen this, my dear? Look at that.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I reckon you'd be in there. Mm-mm.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52This, then, is a silly car.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54And also, it's not very good.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57The seats are hard and unsupportive.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02The ride on normal roads is very uncomfortable, if I'm honest.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07And I don't know about you, but I find this interior rather boring, apart from that, obviously -
0:20:07 > 0:20:09the torque thing.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11It's like sitting in someone's ear.
0:20:11 > 0:20:17What's more, because it's fast, it has fat tyres and firm suspension.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20And that's created another problem.
0:20:22 > 0:20:28What they've done is built a car that can sort of go off-road and then converted it so that now
0:20:28 > 0:20:30it can't any more.
0:20:30 > 0:20:36Still, if you want one, get your nurse to find you a crayon
0:20:36 > 0:20:39and write out a cheque for £76,000.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Or, if you don't understand how crayons work,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49you could spend even more on this rather ugly Audi.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57On the face of it, this Q7 appears to be quite sensible.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Unlike the X5, it comes with seven seats which move about
0:21:01 > 0:21:04to suit your every need.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06And under the bonnet, there's a diesel engine.
0:21:06 > 0:21:11Sadly, however, it's not a diesel engine that makes any sense at all.
0:21:14 > 0:21:21You see, it's a six-litre twin-turbo-charged V12 diesel.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26Now, I'm sorry, but the whole point of buying a diesel engine car is to save money,
0:21:26 > 0:21:32so having a twin-turbo V12 diesel is like turning your central heating off at home
0:21:32 > 0:21:36and then keeping warm by burning Rembrandts.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Still, at least you get a lot of torques.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44738 of them, in fact.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47That's 200 more than you get from a Zonda R.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54Nought to 60 takes five and a half seconds.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Top speed is limited to 155 miles an hour.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04And it stops because it's got ceramic brakes. In a diesel!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07But it's the go, really. That's the astonishing bit.
0:22:10 > 0:22:16I'm not kidding. This car could bump-start a jumbo jet.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18But only if you fit it with a towbar,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21which is an £830 option.
0:22:21 > 0:22:27I don't know about you, but that seems a bit steep on a car which costs £96,000.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Apart from the fact that these cars, with their mighty engines,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39have brought sunshine where before there was rain,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43they are completely bonkers and pointless.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48However, happily, there is a third way of wasting your money.
0:22:55 > 0:23:01This new Range Rover is heavier than the Audi and the BMW.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03And slower. And thirstier.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07And at £80,000, it's not exactly cheap either.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09But unlike its German rivals,
0:23:09 > 0:23:13it does still work when it's off-road.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26All this computer gubbins down here means that you can keep going
0:23:26 > 0:23:30when nature would rather you turned round and went home.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Bit like now, really.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35And there's another thing.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39The buttons and switches in the BMW and the Audi are just taken out of normal saloon cars.
0:23:39 > 0:23:45In the Range Rover, they're big and chunky so you can use them while wearing gloves.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Little things.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57What's more, the Range Rover is more majestic that the Germans. More dignified.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02It's way more comfortable too, and some of the toys that can be specified these days
0:24:02 > 0:24:05are just unbelievable.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14There are five cameras all around the car
0:24:14 > 0:24:17and you can call up the images they're taking on the screen here.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18There they are.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Then you choose which ones you want to enlarge.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24So I'll take that one looking front left and that one looking backwards.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Push enlarge. There we are.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31We're coming up to the Hammerhead, going the wrong way.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Let's have the forward view there.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38Now, let's see how well I clip the apex on that.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Oh, yes! Looking good.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43There it is. Over the red and white lines. Now, here we go.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Let's switch to the rear camera as we power down the main straight.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51You know what?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55We don't really need a film crew or a director to make Top Gear any more.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57In fact, I think I'm going to run them down.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Yes, I am. Run!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02This has become a snuff movie.
0:25:02 > 0:25:08Before you write in to complain, I should explain that what I'm doing now is saving your licence fee
0:25:08 > 0:25:09on expensive crew.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16We don't need them. I can do it all here myself.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Come here! You're just an expensive waste of time there.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21We don't need you any more!
0:25:27 > 0:25:32Mind you, some of the features on this new model are not so good.
0:25:32 > 0:25:39These days, the grille is way to Cheshire and even the gills now have their own annoying styling details.
0:25:43 > 0:25:49But the biggest problem, in this version at least, is the engine.
0:25:49 > 0:25:55In essence, it's the same five-litre super-charged V8 that you get in a Jag these days,
0:25:55 > 0:26:01and that's jolly nice if you live in Houston or Abu Dhabi or somewhere else where petrol is cheap.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04But here,
0:26:04 > 0:26:08hmm, I'm the world's biggest Range Rover fan,
0:26:08 > 0:26:13but I have to admit that this engine in Britain
0:26:13 > 0:26:15makes no sense at all.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I'd buy the diesel-engined Range Rover in a heartbeat,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26but with a massive petrol engine, this is like the other cars here.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Really rather ridiculous.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40APPLAUSE
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I hate to say it, but I agree with you.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- You do?- I do.- About what?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Because the diesel Range Rover is just fabulous
0:26:50 > 0:26:53because, well, it's just like the petrol Ranger,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- but the diesel makes a better noise. - It does.- Incredibly.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00And you only have to stop and fill it up every 500 miles, rather than every 500 yards.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03No question. You see, the thing is, if you get the diesel,
0:27:03 > 0:27:07you still get that amazing screen that allows you to make movies.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10But there's so much more to it than that.
0:27:10 > 0:27:16For obvious reasons, you can't watch a DVD while you're driving along, for example, OK?
0:27:16 > 0:27:21But if we look at this, OK? The passenger here is looking at a DVD.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Yes? You can see that.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26But if we look at the screen from where I'm sitting,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30it's satellite navigation. Same screen - look at this. I see sat nav.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Where the passenger is sitting, they can see a DVD.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37On the same screen! Come back again, look.
0:27:37 > 0:27:44Sat nav. This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48- And it doesn't end there, either, does it? Those cameras you were talking about...- No, no, no.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I'd forgotten. Look at this. You can see OK.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54We zoom in, zoom in like this.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59- And then you can move it up... - Oh, you can actually move the camera!- Look at that.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03That's brilliant!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Who invented that?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Yes! That is just genius.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15- Would you like to go round the back? - Sorry, mate?
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- Oh, the... Yes! The cameras at the back.- Look at the back.
0:28:18 > 0:28:23Zoom in. In, in. No, no, no, no, no! Now look what you've done.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27- I'm sorry.- It's disgusting.- Sorry.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:33- Now, look... - That's a disappointment.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35If you two could just stop mucking around for a minute,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38I've got a quite a serious point to make over here.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42If you want to spend more money on your Range Rover, for Pete's sake,
0:28:42 > 0:28:45don't spend it trying to make it go faster because you'll ruin it.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Instead, why not spend it on making it a bit more luxurious?
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Now, a company called Overfinch has collaborated with Holland & Holland,
0:28:53 > 0:28:58- the gun-makers, to produce this. - Yeah, now, it's still a Range Rover,
0:28:58 > 0:29:03so inside you've got the clever amazing witchcraft screen and everything, but a bit more.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05So, for instance, this wood here,
0:29:05 > 0:29:07you've got this marquetry work in it. Lovely.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09And these panels on the steering wheel.
0:29:09 > 0:29:14You can have these custom-engraved to match your own shotguns.
0:29:14 > 0:29:19- Obviously! - The leather is the stuff they use on the very finest business jets.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23And in the back, you do lose a seat, but instead you get this piece of furniture
0:29:23 > 0:29:27from the bedroom of Louis XIV. More exquisite marquetry.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29In here there is some nice cut glass.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33And down here, there is a refrigerator,
0:29:33 > 0:29:37and it is a refrigerator, not merely a slightly chilly cubbyhole.
0:29:37 > 0:29:43The cost of all this is £139,000.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45AUDIENCE MURMUR
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Now, that is a lot of money,
0:29:47 > 0:29:52but then this car does come with the best optional extra ever fitted to any car
0:29:52 > 0:29:56- in the whole of human history, I think I'm right in saying. - Yeah, yeah. You're right.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58OK, it's this chest here in the back.
0:29:58 > 0:30:03In this drawer here we find, OK, there is space for your gun.
0:30:03 > 0:30:09This particular gun in this one, they actually cost more than the car does.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11- RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER - No, seriously.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14OK, so that's the guns, right, on this side.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17And what goes with guns? You're right - drink.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19- And so... - LAUGHTER
0:30:19 > 0:30:24..in here we find the glasses, the vodka, the whisky, obviously,
0:30:24 > 0:30:30the champagne - Pol Roger - is in the fridge in the car itself. And here is the really amazing bit.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34This is what's called a self-replenishing drinks cabinet.
0:30:34 > 0:30:39For the first year you own the car, when your drink supplies are getting low,
0:30:39 > 0:30:43they come round and top them up free of charge.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45Wow! Wow.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49Do I have to buy the car, or can I just have the self-replenishing drinks cabinet?
0:30:49 > 0:30:51I'll tell you what, if I bought this car,
0:30:51 > 0:30:56the diesel in the tank after one year would be exactly the same as it was when it came.
0:30:56 > 0:31:02It would still be in the same field. I tried drinking the diesel, but then the man arrived with more champagne.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05- I just want one of those.- No, it is. I mean, really and truthfully,
0:31:05 > 0:31:08this is the car to buy if you are sensible.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Or if you're drunk!
0:31:11 > 0:31:18But if you are insane, you will doubtless now want to know how fast the BMW S&M X whatever it is
0:31:18 > 0:31:21and the Audi V12 diesel go round our track,
0:31:21 > 0:31:26and that, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car
0:31:30 > 0:31:33contains 14 different types of custard.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35LAUGHTER
0:31:35 > 0:31:38And while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry,
0:31:38 > 0:31:41he's never once hit a fire hydrant.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44LAUGHTER
0:31:44 > 0:31:46All we know, he's called the Stig!
0:31:47 > 0:31:51And they're off, lumbering down to the first corner
0:31:51 > 0:31:53like two fat rhinos in trainers.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56Beginning to forget what our tracks looks like in the dry.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58Still, at least these silly cars
0:31:58 > 0:32:00have four-wheel drive to help them along.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Oh, dear, that's not very interesting
0:32:03 > 0:32:04as they go round the first corner.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07MUSIC: "Any Old Iron" by Peter Sellers
0:32:07 > 0:32:10Oh, dear. Still enjoying the sound
0:32:10 > 0:32:12of Barbara Windsor's wedding.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16Audi, there - look at it getting all out of shape in Chicago.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19And now he's heading down to the Hammerhead.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Triggered the hazards under heavy breaking.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23That Q7 is really not happy.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26X5, a little more composed.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Although if you really wanted composed,
0:32:29 > 0:32:31obviously you'd be better off
0:32:31 > 0:32:33in the M5 Saloon.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39Into Follow Through, a chance for them to use their big power
0:32:39 > 0:32:42to give the laws of physics a bloody nose.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43Thundering past the tyres.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47Obviously, now, two corners left. Audi still flashing away.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49BMW getting sideways, there.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Just Gambon left.
0:32:51 > 0:32:56Here it comes. BMW veering sideways. Steady on, Stig!
0:32:56 > 0:32:58And across the line! Well, here we are. Here we are.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01APPLAUSE
0:33:01 > 0:33:05Stand by to receive the two most not interesting facts
0:33:05 > 0:33:08in the history of British television.
0:33:08 > 0:33:14The Audi Q7 V12 Diesel did it in 1.33.3. So that's down there.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19And the BMW X5 M did it in 1.28.2.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22So, there we are. Not interesting.
0:33:22 > 0:33:27Uh, and now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31My guest tonight is best known for his Cockney gangster movies,
0:33:31 > 0:33:34such as Snatch and RocknRolla
0:33:34 > 0:33:38and Lock and Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.
0:33:38 > 0:33:45So, everybody, open your mince pies, put your Bobby Sands together,
0:33:45 > 0:33:49and let's have a rousing round of sores...paws...
0:33:49 > 0:33:54sores...running, pustulating sores for Guy Ritchie!
0:33:54 > 0:33:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Guy, how are you?
0:34:00 > 0:34:05- Hello, Mr Clarkson, how are you set? - Very well. How are you? Have a seat.
0:34:05 > 0:34:06Look at that moment!
0:34:06 > 0:34:11- Thank you very much! - That is a big welcome.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Now, I was fascinated when you arrived here this morning.
0:34:14 > 0:34:18A lot of guests say the same thing. Is it possible to turn the car over?
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Because they need reassuring that, no, it isn't.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24And then Guy said, "No, because I really want to."
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Well, I had a go.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29Would anybody like to see some of Guy's practices? OK?
0:34:29 > 0:34:31AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:34:31 > 0:34:36Just early on, this is Guy practising for his lap.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39Here we go. You've still got the Stig in the car here.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43So let's... Look how wet that is!
0:34:43 > 0:34:45- Wow!- That's unbelievable.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49HE SHOUTS AND WOOPS
0:34:49 > 0:34:53Look at that! We can now plant crops there after that.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55LAUGHTER
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Now, obviously - I'm sorry about this - I'm sure a lot of people
0:34:58 > 0:35:01are going to expect a lot of tittle-tattle about Madonna.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Can I just say, this isn't Loose Women.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06So there'll be none of that. This is Top Gear.
0:35:06 > 0:35:10- And I'm more interested in your love of winching. - LAUGHTER
0:35:10 > 0:35:14No, I'm not kidding, OK? You like... What's it called, Off-Green Laning?
0:35:14 > 0:35:18- Off-roading?- Green Laning and a bit of winching. There's nothing like a good winch.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22As you know, it's a thing. It's quite a nerdy undertaking.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25No, there is. There are people who deliberately get stuck.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27LAUGHTER
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Don't tell me you're one of those. You winch yourself...?
0:35:30 > 0:35:35- If you're into winching, you get stuck.- And you get out and winch yourself out?
0:35:35 > 0:35:39If you don't get stuck, you can't winch. So you deliberately look to get stuck.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42I find that fascinating! What's the big appeal of winching a car?
0:35:42 > 0:35:46It doesn't make any sense. Why should you want to get a car stuck and then get it out?
0:35:46 > 0:35:48But it's a lot of fun!
0:35:48 > 0:35:50LAUGHTER
0:35:50 > 0:35:54I can't believe I'm talking so much about winching!
0:35:54 > 0:35:57Now, what do you drive? Actually, I know what you drive. You drive a van!
0:35:57 > 0:36:01- I got a van.- Why have you got a van?- I love vans. I used to be a van driver.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04- Ritchie's Removals, it was. - LAUGHTER
0:36:04 > 0:36:08I wasn't good at Ritchie's Removals. It didn't work. Particularly as a business.
0:36:08 > 0:36:13We'd been under a few low bridges and taken a few £1,000 tables out as we went under the low bridges.
0:36:13 > 0:36:18How do you explain that to the poor unfortunate souls waiting at home for their...?
0:36:18 > 0:36:21You have to be very creative. Hence, I became a film-maker.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23But you maintained the love of vans.
0:36:23 > 0:36:27- I love a van, yeah.- And you now have a Mercedes Sprinter.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29- Yes, I do.- Is it just a normal van?
0:36:29 > 0:36:34No, it's been kitted out a bit in the back. We've got two 42-inch screens in the back of it.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36And it's, uh...cushdy.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38LAUGHTER
0:36:38 > 0:36:42It's pretty comfy. I mean, you just get so much bang for you buck with a van.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45- How much is a Rolls-Royce Phantom? - £250,000.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49OK. This was 20 grand. We got it second-hand. We spent 40 grand in the back. 60 grand.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53- I can tell you, it's a lot more comfortable than a Phantom. - Really?- Yeah.
0:36:53 > 0:36:59- Have you done the outside? The A-Team thing with the big wheels...? - No, it looks like a builder's van.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02"No tools are left in this overnight", written on the back.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05There's lots of tools left in it overnight.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08Ha ha! Oh! Um...
0:37:08 > 0:37:12- So what do you drive when you're not driving your van? - I've got the Range Rover outside.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15- Yeah.- Q7. Got an Audi Q7.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18Don't like that? I've got to tell you, everyone loves that.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22- Well, except me.- OK. What do you know about cars, anyway?
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Not much, actually.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27I live on a bicycle. That's the irony. I live in central London
0:37:27 > 0:37:30and probably 90% of my travelling is done on a bicycle.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34I love bicycles. I shouldn't imagine you like bicycles very much.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38- I'm not...- You'd look good on a bicycle!- No, I wouldn't. A Penny Farthing, maybe.
0:37:38 > 0:37:44- I was being sarcastic, actually. - I nearly tried to kill a Frenchman on a bicycle the other day.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47He'd got so much rain on his spectacles, he couldn't see where he was going.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50Then he banged on my car. Well, that was it.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54- How did you know he was French? - FRENCH ACCENT:- Because he was speaking like an idiot,
0:37:54 > 0:37:56that is how I knew he was French!
0:37:56 > 0:37:57LAUGHTER
0:37:57 > 0:38:01Now, you've got no cars, obviously, in your new movie, Sherlock Holmes.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05- Tell us a bit about it. - I wanted to do a bigger movie than any movie I've done before.
0:38:05 > 0:38:09Um, and it seemed like a natural segue from going from, sort of,
0:38:09 > 0:38:13smaller British gangster kind of things to doing something kind of big-ish.
0:38:13 > 0:38:17But I wanted to keep the identity English and there is no greater icon,
0:38:17 > 0:38:18I suppose, than Sherlock Holmes.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22But you've got Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24- He's got a very good British accent.- Has he?
0:38:24 > 0:38:27- We've got a clip. Let's have a look.- Very good.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30I have a request. There's someone I want to see.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Sherlock Holmes.
0:38:36 > 0:38:40You and I are bound together on a journey that will twist the very fabric of nature.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42Allow me to enlighten you.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45Tomorrow, the world as you know it will end.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49Well, there isn't any time to waste, then, is there?
0:38:53 > 0:38:59It does make a considerable difference to me having someone with me on whom I can thoroughly rely on.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01It's nice to see you, Watson.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05- Oh, yes! That is big budget! - APPLAUSE
0:39:05 > 0:39:10- Is that CGI?- Some of it. - That's a big budget thing going on right there.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13I see what you mean about his accent.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17- You can see we had deeper pockets on this one. - When's that coming out?
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Boxing Day in the UK, Christmas Day everywhere else.
0:39:20 > 0:39:25- Why isn't it out on Christmas Day here?- Everyone's stuffing their face with turkey in the UK.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28Um, so these days, you're a publican.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32- I have a pub.- You have a pub in...?
0:39:32 > 0:39:36- Mayfair.- Actually, I have to tell everyone a story. Do you mind?- Please!
0:39:36 > 0:39:39This is back in the Fulham days. I used to go to this place.
0:39:39 > 0:39:43On the Wandsworth Bridge Road, OK? Get there before ten, guaranteed lock-in.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46Then one day, a new manager started at this place.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49A new manager, no more lock-ins. "Out. Get lost."
0:39:49 > 0:39:5220 years later, I was walking down the Fulham Road and I ran into
0:39:52 > 0:39:56the original barman, now a security guard outside a hospital.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00So I said, "What happened to that bolshie bastard that came and took over you?"
0:40:00 > 0:40:03He said, "I tell you what happened to him. He married Madonna."
0:40:03 > 0:40:08- You stopped us having... You stopped us having... - APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:40:08 > 0:40:11I been dying to get that off... Joe's Brasserie.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Did you come and work as manager there?
0:40:13 > 0:40:18It was either me or Sean Penn, and I don't think Sean Penn worked in Joe's Brasserie.
0:40:18 > 0:40:19LAUGHTER
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Now, obviously you came down here to do your lap.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25We've already established - quite wet.
0:40:25 > 0:40:31I mean, the wettest we've ever had. but nevertheless, who would like to see Guy's lap?
0:40:31 > 0:40:33- AUDIENCE: Yes! - Right, Guy, let's have a look.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36Soaking wet.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39And you can't cut the corners - this is the important thing.
0:40:39 > 0:40:43Oh, come on, son! Wow!
0:40:43 > 0:40:46OK, there's the first corner.
0:40:46 > 0:40:50No suicidal tendencies into it.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52But plenty coming out.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54That's quite poo, actually.
0:40:54 > 0:40:55LAUGHTER
0:40:55 > 0:40:58Off the road a bit, there.
0:40:58 > 0:41:02That's looking very neat and tidy. That's good. That's good.
0:41:02 > 0:41:05This is raining, lads, by the way. I don't know if anyone noticed.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07It's quite an unforeseeable thing.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11The water's streaming down the windows! Hammerhead...
0:41:11 > 0:41:14Did they put cones out for you today? No, they didn't bother.
0:41:14 > 0:41:18Only last week we had that for Chris Evans. Just Radio 2 DJs get that.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Again, that looks neat and tidy and good.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23I got to tell you, this is not easy, chaps.
0:41:23 > 0:41:28Now, this is... That's the Follow Through. Nicely done.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31Now, I'm into fourth about now.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Second to last corner, can't cut that.
0:41:37 > 0:41:41- Not going to be good. - No, you kissed the apex, which is exactly right.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44Can't touch the grass here...
0:41:44 > 0:41:47Oh! You have touched it there and across the line!
0:41:47 > 0:41:50APPLAUSE
0:41:50 > 0:41:51Now, that looked good.
0:41:51 > 0:41:55That looked good, because it didn't look as mad as the practice stuff.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00You're leaning forwards.
0:42:00 > 0:42:04- What does that mean?- It's a sign. Every week, everybody comes on
0:42:04 > 0:42:08and and they've been really relaxed and it gets to the time. "I'm not bothered."
0:42:08 > 0:42:10MIMICS SQUEAKING CHAIR
0:42:10 > 0:42:15Well, I shouldn't be bothered, because I know I did a pretty appalling performance.
0:42:15 > 0:42:16No...
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Yes. But...
0:42:18 > 0:42:22But the thing is, the conditions were dreadful.
0:42:22 > 0:42:26No question about that. No idea how fast you'd have gone on the dry, but I can tell you,
0:42:26 > 0:42:28Guy Ritchie, in the wet, you did it in
0:42:28 > 0:42:331.52.5.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36- Which means... I'll give you a very wet. - APPLAUSE
0:42:36 > 0:42:38- ..you go...- Oh, that's bad.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Oh!
0:42:40 > 0:42:44..between Tom Jones and Helen Mirren.
0:42:44 > 0:42:48- Not bad(!) - LAUGHTER
0:42:48 > 0:42:50So, how many cars did you go through doing that?
0:42:50 > 0:42:53- I went through four cars today. - Four?- Yep. Four tyres.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56- Punctures?- And a gearbox.
0:42:56 > 0:42:58- And a gearbox?- Yeah.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00That is a new record!
0:43:00 > 0:43:04- A record! Ladies and gentlemen, Guy Ritchie!- Thank you very much.
0:43:04 > 0:43:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Bad news! Bad news!
0:43:18 > 0:43:21We've had another letter from Mr Needham. I shall read it out.
0:43:21 > 0:43:26"Dear so-called Top Gear. Last year, I asked if you had forgotten how to do normal road tests
0:43:26 > 0:43:31"on your so-called television show and you responded with an idiotic feature in which a Ford Fiesta
0:43:31 > 0:43:37"was driven at high speed through a shopping centre and then off a Royal Marines landing craft, into the sea."
0:43:37 > 0:43:40It was, actually. Well done, Jeremy(!)
0:43:40 > 0:43:43"So I ask again. Will you please do a normal test in which the concerns
0:43:43 > 0:43:47"of the average viewer are addressed? Yours sincerely, Mr Needham, Belfast."
0:43:47 > 0:43:50We all thought, "Yeah, fair enough. We must respond."
0:43:50 > 0:43:53And then Jeremy stepped into the breach. Again.
0:43:56 > 0:44:01To get Mr Needham off my back, I've actually come to the city where he lives.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03Belfast.
0:44:07 > 0:44:10And this is the car I'll be testing.
0:44:11 > 0:44:15Renault's sporty little Twingo 133.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19HE COUGHS
0:44:20 > 0:44:23Unfortunately, on the way over here yesterday,
0:44:23 > 0:44:25I caught a cold.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27Well, when I say cold, it's actually gangrene.
0:44:27 > 0:44:29Of my lungs.
0:44:29 > 0:44:33But, I'm a man, so I shall simply...
0:44:33 > 0:44:35HE COUGHS
0:44:35 > 0:44:37Excuse me. ..soldier on.
0:44:37 > 0:44:40Oh, has anyone got any Night Nurse?
0:44:46 > 0:44:49Oh, yes! I should say so.
0:44:49 > 0:44:54I've always loved small, hot hatchbacks
0:44:54 > 0:44:57and this is one of the best.
0:44:59 > 0:45:04It's so nimble and agile. It's like driving a mosquito.
0:45:04 > 0:45:06Not literally, of course, Mr Needham.
0:45:06 > 0:45:12It's impossible to drive an insect and cruel to even try.
0:45:13 > 0:45:15It's pretty quick, too.
0:45:15 > 0:45:22Thanks to a revvy 1.6 litre engine, it can get from 0-60 in 8.7 seconds
0:45:22 > 0:45:26and on to a top speed of 125.
0:45:26 > 0:45:30But is it faster than its big rival?
0:45:30 > 0:45:34The Fiat 500 Abarth.
0:45:36 > 0:45:40Tell you what, let's find out.
0:45:40 > 0:45:42ENGINES REV
0:45:44 > 0:45:46TYRES SCREECH
0:45:46 > 0:45:47Pleased with my start.
0:45:56 > 0:45:57No.
0:46:01 > 0:46:04Very, is the simple answer.
0:46:04 > 0:46:10Even if you drive with verve and gusto, you should still average 40 miles to the gallon.
0:46:10 > 0:46:16However, that said, the Fiat 500 Abarth will average 43 miles to the gallon.
0:46:21 > 0:46:23Simple.
0:46:23 > 0:46:28The Renault is £1,000 cheaper and you can have one now.
0:46:28 > 0:46:32The waiting list for an Abarth stretches into 2010.
0:46:32 > 0:46:35And I shall be dead by then.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38In fact, the way I'm feeling, I'll probably be dead by 5.30.
0:46:38 > 0:46:42But I'm not making a fuss, I'm just making a point.
0:46:42 > 0:46:47Soldiering on on your behalf, Mr Needham.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52No.
0:46:52 > 0:46:55It's red.
0:46:58 > 0:47:00HE COUGHS
0:47:00 > 0:47:03Sorry, what was the question?
0:47:07 > 0:47:09In a nutshell, yes.
0:47:09 > 0:47:13If you buy the standard £12,200 car,
0:47:13 > 0:47:15it's not bad at all.
0:47:15 > 0:47:20But the car I have here has what Renault call, the Cup Chassis.
0:47:20 > 0:47:24It's a £650 option which gives you firmer suspension,
0:47:24 > 0:47:28ultra low-profile tyres and 17-inch wheels.
0:47:28 > 0:47:32On a track, that's marvellous.
0:47:32 > 0:47:36But on a normal road, it is extremely firm.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39The result is that on some bumps,
0:47:39 > 0:47:41the jolt is so bad,
0:47:41 > 0:47:44that your lungs can come off.
0:47:44 > 0:47:46Like that one.
0:47:46 > 0:47:50Is this thorough enough for you, Mr Needham? I hope so.
0:47:53 > 0:47:58Its got a radio, air conditioning, electric windows
0:47:58 > 0:48:00and electric door mirrors.
0:48:00 > 0:48:02But I'm afraid to say
0:48:02 > 0:48:04no parachute system.
0:48:08 > 0:48:11So, if you wake up one morning to find that someone has put your car
0:48:11 > 0:48:14on top of a Harland and Wolff crane,
0:48:14 > 0:48:17you're never going to get it down again.
0:48:17 > 0:48:20Bad mark for Renault there.
0:48:28 > 0:48:32You would be amazed how often I get asked that question.
0:48:32 > 0:48:35To get an answer, I've come to the network of sewage tunnels
0:48:35 > 0:48:39underneath Belfast and for the next few minutes,
0:48:39 > 0:48:42we've asked the people in the city to, erm, cross their legs.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46Oh, God!
0:48:58 > 0:49:00Oh dear! Splashing!
0:49:01 > 0:49:03Oh dear!
0:49:06 > 0:49:08I've considered the tunnel's diameter,
0:49:08 > 0:49:11the car's centre of gravity, everything and I've worked out
0:49:11 > 0:49:16the precise speed I need to be going is 17.5 metres per second.
0:49:17 > 0:49:20I wish I knew what that was in miles an hour
0:49:20 > 0:49:22because that's what I'm getting on the speedo.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24I think it's about 37.
0:49:28 > 0:49:3137mph. It's roughly there.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33And here we go.
0:49:35 > 0:49:36Building it up.
0:49:38 > 0:49:41If this goes wrong, I really am in a world of sh...
0:49:45 > 0:49:47Here we go! Aargghh!
0:49:47 > 0:49:51TYRES SCREECH
0:49:51 > 0:49:53Yes!
0:49:53 > 0:49:55Aarghh!
0:49:55 > 0:49:58There you are, Mr Needham.
0:49:58 > 0:50:01If you're looking to drive upside down through
0:50:01 > 0:50:05the tunnels of Belfast, Twingo 133 - absolutely ideal.
0:50:09 > 0:50:12Obviously, it's not a very large car.
0:50:12 > 0:50:16But if you push those rear seats all the way back,
0:50:16 > 0:50:19there is enough room back there for children.
0:50:19 > 0:50:23Then, if you pull them all the way forwards,
0:50:23 > 0:50:25there is enough space in the boot
0:50:25 > 0:50:27for Ross Kemp.
0:50:27 > 0:50:32- So, Ross, are you OK in there? - A bit of a squeeze but quite comfy.
0:50:32 > 0:50:36Quite comfy? Good. Good mark for Renault.
0:50:40 > 0:50:43Obviously, we keep being told that global warming is coming
0:50:43 > 0:50:46and that soon, we won't have a winter to worry about.
0:50:47 > 0:50:49But we do now.
0:50:57 > 0:51:01That's why I've come to a little slice of ice
0:51:01 > 0:51:03at the Odyssey Arena.
0:51:03 > 0:51:04ENGINE REVS
0:51:04 > 0:51:06TYRES SCREECH
0:51:06 > 0:51:09In theory, this should be quite good because
0:51:09 > 0:51:14in a front-wheel drive car, the heavy engine is pressing down on the driven wheels,
0:51:14 > 0:51:17giving you better grip, better traction.
0:51:17 > 0:51:18Here we go!
0:51:20 > 0:51:24A lot of revs, first gear, 5,000, 4,000...
0:51:24 > 0:51:2520, 30...
0:51:26 > 0:51:2746.
0:51:29 > 0:51:30107 registered there!
0:51:32 > 0:51:34133mph there!
0:51:36 > 0:51:37That is on ice.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42On a lot of cars, the anti-lock braking system doesn't work
0:51:42 > 0:51:46on snow or ice, so let's see how it is in the Twingo.
0:51:46 > 0:51:48And...
0:51:48 > 0:51:49Brake.
0:51:52 > 0:51:54I don't know why I'm looking at my watch - there's no second hand.
0:51:56 > 0:51:57That was a long time.
0:52:01 > 0:52:04Now, the ice hockey players are here and they want to come on.
0:52:04 > 0:52:06I know. Sorry. I'll get off.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08Come on!
0:52:08 > 0:52:10I'm sorry. I'm trying to leave.
0:52:10 > 0:52:11Just bear with me.
0:52:11 > 0:52:14This was harder than you might imagine.
0:52:14 > 0:52:16There's the exit.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19No, I'm not going to make that. I'm not going to make it.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22It's going to hit the wall. Mustn't hit the wall.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24THEY SHOUT
0:52:24 > 0:52:25Wait!
0:52:25 > 0:52:26Keep your hair on.
0:52:26 > 0:52:30Sadly, the ice hockey players wouldn't wait any more.
0:52:36 > 0:52:38They're playing a game!
0:52:38 > 0:52:40BLEEP. What was that?
0:52:41 > 0:52:43You've just pushed me!
0:52:45 > 0:52:46Arghhh!
0:52:52 > 0:52:54Eventually, this ended badly.
0:52:57 > 0:52:59Oh, my God! I hit him.
0:53:04 > 0:53:06That's astonishing.
0:53:06 > 0:53:08There isn't a mark on it.
0:53:08 > 0:53:12Since the skater seems to be OK, we have to say
0:53:12 > 0:53:15the Twingo scores well for pedestrian safety.
0:53:15 > 0:53:19Especially, if the pedestrian you hit is dressed up like that.
0:53:29 > 0:53:31We've all been there. Lost. In a shipyard.
0:53:31 > 0:53:34Your biorhythms are wrong. You're feeling under the weather.
0:53:34 > 0:53:38You're just not concentrating quite as hard as you should be.
0:53:38 > 0:53:40The next thing you know is...
0:53:40 > 0:53:42WOODEN CRATES THUD
0:53:42 > 0:53:45It's just one of those days where you're judgment's out
0:53:45 > 0:53:48and you think, "I can go through that." Then it turns out...
0:53:48 > 0:53:50METAL SCRAPES
0:53:50 > 0:53:53..you just can't.
0:53:57 > 0:54:01Of course, you may say that you would never drive a car
0:54:01 > 0:54:02when you're feeling under the weather
0:54:02 > 0:54:05but even if you are that responsible,
0:54:05 > 0:54:08the day will still come when you pull up at at junction,
0:54:08 > 0:54:11and while you're checking to make sure nothing is coming,
0:54:11 > 0:54:16you will be hit up the backside by blind Jack the milkman.
0:54:18 > 0:54:20ROSS KEMP LAUGHS
0:54:20 > 0:54:22That really hurt!
0:54:24 > 0:54:26Then, of course, the day will come when you lend your car
0:54:26 > 0:54:28to your 17-year-old son.
0:54:28 > 0:54:31He'll be driving along in it and he will think,
0:54:31 > 0:54:37"If I pull this handbrake lever, my girlfriend's clothes will fall of."
0:54:37 > 0:54:39Of course, we know that doesn't happen.
0:54:39 > 0:54:42We know that what actually happens when you pull the handbrake lever
0:54:42 > 0:54:44is this...
0:54:44 > 0:54:45TYRES SCREECH
0:54:45 > 0:54:47Ah!
0:54:47 > 0:54:50Jeremy, that BLEEP hurt. Thank you very much.
0:54:52 > 0:54:55This is one of the joys of the hot hatch.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58They're as much fun to drive as supercars but you can get
0:54:58 > 0:55:00Ross Kemp in the boot
0:55:00 > 0:55:03and they don't cost a fortune to repair.
0:55:03 > 0:55:08The front wing, for example, for a Renault Twingo, £66.
0:55:08 > 0:55:14The front wing for a Lamborghini, £2,430.
0:55:23 > 0:55:24We've all been in this situation.
0:55:25 > 0:55:28The boat is still here and I can make it.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32Come on!
0:55:32 > 0:55:36Being late for a ferry can drive a man mad.
0:55:38 > 0:55:40TYRES SCREECH
0:55:40 > 0:55:43You forget there's going to be another ferry later on.
0:55:43 > 0:55:44No, there isn't!
0:55:44 > 0:55:47This is the last ferry ever! I must catch it!
0:55:49 > 0:55:50TYRES SCREECH
0:55:55 > 0:56:01The thing is, this Twingo could just be the ideal car for the job.
0:56:03 > 0:56:05BELL RINGS
0:56:05 > 0:56:07TYRES SCREECH
0:56:08 > 0:56:10That's not gone well.
0:56:16 > 0:56:19A Fiat Abarth may be more fun to own,
0:56:19 > 0:56:22more fun to look at, but this, with the Cup Chassis,
0:56:22 > 0:56:23is sharper.
0:56:23 > 0:56:24TYRES SCREECH
0:56:30 > 0:56:32TYRES SCREECH
0:56:37 > 0:56:39It's a very good little car, this!
0:56:39 > 0:56:41TYRES SCREECH
0:56:41 > 0:56:44Handbrake. I've overdone it!
0:56:49 > 0:56:51TYRES SCREECH
0:56:51 > 0:56:52BLEEP
0:57:01 > 0:57:05Just because it's left, does not mean I'm going to give in.
0:57:09 > 0:57:10How hard can it be?
0:57:10 > 0:57:14- When I get out of here, I'm going to hurt you.- Here we go!
0:57:14 > 0:57:15TYRES SCREECH
0:57:15 > 0:57:18ENGINE REVS
0:57:22 > 0:57:25Aarghhhhh!
0:57:43 > 0:57:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:57:45 > 0:57:47What was that?
0:57:47 > 0:57:48An acid trip!
0:57:48 > 0:57:51- What?- What was going on?
0:57:51 > 0:57:58Seriously. How much Night Nurse did you take before you did that film?
0:57:58 > 0:58:03A lot. But not so much that I wasn't able to work out that that car...
0:58:03 > 0:58:05It's just brilliant.
0:58:05 > 0:58:07It WAS a brilliant car.
0:58:07 > 0:58:11- Where is it now? - It's at the bottom of the sea.
0:58:11 > 0:58:15- As a test, that was rubbish. - I had a cold.
0:58:15 > 0:58:18I did. I didn't make a fuss, I just got on with it.
0:58:18 > 0:58:21- But the important thing is, I survived.- What about Ross Kemp?
0:58:21 > 0:58:23No.
0:58:23 > 0:58:24LAUGHTER
0:58:24 > 0:58:26Sadly, he didn't make it.
0:58:26 > 0:58:30And that really is a bombshell that we can end on this week. Oh!
0:58:30 > 0:58:31Before we go,
0:58:31 > 0:58:34one more thing. The first three programmes of this series
0:58:34 > 0:58:36went out at nine o'clock rather than eight.
0:58:36 > 0:58:37Tonight, we started at 8.30.
0:58:37 > 0:58:40Does anyone want to guess what time we're on next week?
0:58:40 > 0:58:42THEY SHOUT OUT DIFFERENT TIMES
0:58:42 > 0:58:44No. We're actually not on at all.
0:58:44 > 0:58:47For reasons we don't understand.
0:58:47 > 0:58:50But we are back the week after that at whatever time the Beeb
0:58:50 > 0:58:51can squeeze us in.
0:58:51 > 0:58:54No mater. Thank you very much for watching tonight.
0:58:54 > 0:58:56Take care. Good night!
0:59:00 > 0:59:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd