0:00:11 > 0:00:15Tonight, I get scared half to death on our track.
0:00:15 > 0:00:21We host our own art exhibition and the world champion is in our reasonably priced car.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Thank you, everybody!
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Thank you. Hello! Hello and welcome.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Welcome, everybody.
0:00:35 > 0:00:43Now, a few years ago, we got very excited by this, the Noble M400.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48But then the man behind the company that made it upped sticks and left
0:00:48 > 0:00:54and then they stopped making it and then the whole operation just disappeared from the radar.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Now though...it's back.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02This is what it's come up with.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Designed and built by some blokes I've never heard of on an industrial estate in Leicester,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12it's called the M600.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Underneath the rather featureless body,
0:01:19 > 0:01:23the chassis is made not from carbon fibre, but stainless steel.
0:01:23 > 0:01:28The V8 that powers it is lifted from this.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Yep. It uses the same engine,
0:01:34 > 0:01:39albeit with a couple of turbo chargers that Volvo use in the XC90.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46So, built in Leicestershire from bits of the Industrial Revolution
0:01:46 > 0:01:50and powered by the engine from a Volvo school bus.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55And the cost? £200,000.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03That does seem like a lot for a car that has no satellite navigation,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06no climate control, no airbag.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09It doesn't even have anti-lock brakes.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14The men from Leicestershire say ABS is just another example
0:02:14 > 0:02:18of the nanny state sticking its nose in, and that's very admirable.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23But you can't help suspecting the real reason it doesn't have ABS
0:02:23 > 0:02:27is because when you're operating out of a industrial unit in Leicestershire,
0:02:27 > 0:02:28you can't really afford them.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33There's another problem as well.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37What kind of person looks at the established range of supercars
0:02:37 > 0:02:41and thinks, "I don't like any of them"?
0:02:43 > 0:02:49However, it turns out that there is a reason why you might choose a Noble,
0:02:49 > 0:02:54rather than a Porsche, or a Ferrari
0:02:54 > 0:02:55or a Lamborghini,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58or an Aston Martin,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00or a McLaren Mercedes.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07You see, in terms of sheer speed, the Noble can blow all of that lot
0:03:07 > 0:03:10into the middle of last week.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Let me show you what I'm on about here.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27I'm currently doing 40mph in second gear. Ready? Foot down.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30And there's 60.
0:03:30 > 0:03:3440-60 in one second. One!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41In fourth gear, 100 to 120 in two seconds.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46100 to 130 in three seconds.
0:03:46 > 0:03:54It does 150 to 170 so quick that your eyeballs bounce off the back of your skull...
0:03:54 > 0:03:55like squash balls!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Break it, break it! Oh, my God!
0:04:02 > 0:04:07You have to push. There's very little servo assistance there.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12If you push too hard, you'll lock them up because there's no ABS.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13God, it's quick!
0:04:18 > 0:04:19That's mind-blowingly fast.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21That is properly,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24head-alteringly quick.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Flat out, it'll do 225mph.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Mainly because the engine, despite the Volvo connection,
0:04:37 > 0:04:41develops 650 horsepower.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46The whole car only weighs 1,250kg.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49And the news keeps on getting better.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54This down here is exactly the same switch
0:04:54 > 0:04:59that a pilot uses in a Tornado fighter-bomber to fire the missiles.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05It was specifically designed so it couldn't be used by accident and that is a good thing.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Because in here, what it does
0:05:07 > 0:05:11is turn the traction control off.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Argh! I wish I'd kept it on!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I really wish I'd kept it on!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29The margin for error
0:05:29 > 0:05:37in most supercars is actually quite wide, but in this, it really isn't.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Stop.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41It's a constant nightmare.
0:05:41 > 0:05:471% too much speed going into a corner, you get understeer like that.
0:05:47 > 0:05:511% too much throttle to correct it, you've got oversteer.
0:05:51 > 0:05:541% wrong with the steering, you're going to spin.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Remember, there are no electronic driver aids to help you out.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02There's no medevac chopper.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04You get it wrong, you're on your own!
0:06:16 > 0:06:22There is a fantastic sweet spot in this thing.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27But even when you find it, you're often too terrified to enjoy the moment.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31To really enjoy it and to find it regularly...
0:06:33 > 0:06:35..you have to be a much better driver than I am.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I'm not really doing this justice.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Driving it fast, then, you need to be good.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50But weirdly, to drive it at all, you don't.
0:06:51 > 0:06:57Happily, if you wind the engine down to 550 horsepower or 450,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00which you can do using this switch here,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03it becomes a different animal. It becomes completely docile.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08Calm. No harder to drive than...a Nissan Micra.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16And like the old Noble, it's quiet and extremely comfortable.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20It really does ride beautifully.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Summing this car up, then, is hard, because let's be honest,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28there are several very good reasons why you shouldn't buy one.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40But there is one very good reason why you should...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Losers!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55APPLAUSE
0:07:55 > 0:07:59So it's that fast? That edgy? That edgy?
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Honestly, it's the nearest I've ever come to collecting a camera car on a shoot.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08I think that was the first time I've ever seen you properly scared on our track.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Oh, I was. No, I really was.
0:08:10 > 0:08:16It's not so bad when it's dry, but when it's wet you have to have the reactions of a housefly.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- So not a fat, balding middle-aged man, then?- Exactly.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25Not that, which is why we're now going to hand it over to our tame racing driver.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Some say that you shouldn't go round to his house
0:08:29 > 0:08:34for your Christmas lunch, unless you enjoy the great taste of seagull.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38And that the reason he always wears a helmet
0:08:38 > 0:08:43is because a man once smashed him in the face with a model of Salisbury Cathedral.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47All we know is he's called the Stig!
0:08:47 > 0:08:52And he's off! We've had rain for the past few weeks now and we've got a dusting of snow.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Still hoping for good things, since Stig is one of the few things
0:08:55 > 0:08:59that can really get to the bottom of a Noble. He loves them!
0:08:59 > 0:09:04That is nice through there. Beautiful on the way out.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09# In the bleak midwinter... #
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Appropriate music for this weather.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Performing in the style of a Kray brother's funeral there.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19A bit of twitchiness on the way in, but tasty on the way out of Chicago, now Hammerhead.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22He came in very fast, understeering as I discovered earlier,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25but Stiggy knows how to drive through and find that sweet spot.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29# Oh, God Oh, my king...#
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Right, time now to unleash the twin-turbo kick in the kidneys.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39He does seem to be sawing at the wheel a lot in there.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42It is a brute, this car, but the Stig isn't fazed.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45That would be literally impossible. Two corners left.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48He's still working hard, but the car itself looks really composed.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Coming up to Gambon,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53slices through there and across the line!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55APPLAUSE
0:09:59 > 0:10:02OK. Here it is! Here it is.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05It goes, mmm...
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Hang on, you've just gone above a 599.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Yes. And above a Scuderia.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- That's that fast Lambo. - And above the Enzo.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13That's an Enzo up there!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Past the Veyron. Past the Zonda convertible...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Whoa!- To there!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22So it's expensive, but it works?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Excellent. Right.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Now we will do the news and we begin with the this -
0:10:31 > 0:10:35it's a new Aston Martin. It's called the Rapide.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39You can think of it as a DB9 with two extra doors.
0:10:39 > 0:10:45That means there's room back here for two extra fully-grown adults
0:10:45 > 0:10:50to enjoy the 470 horsepower, V12 motoring experience.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55And they can enjoy exquisite details, such as these magnetically located grab handles, look.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58It won't flap around when you're driving along.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03All this is yours for £140,000.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Now, that is quite a bit more expensive
0:11:06 > 0:11:09than Porsche's four-door, the Panamera,
0:11:09 > 0:11:13but there are two very good reasons why you should choose the Aston Martin.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18Firstly, and unlike the Porsche, it does look rather magnificent.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23Secondly, most importantly, this is quintessentially British.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Despite the fact that it's made in Austria.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Which I think is in Germany.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35OK. Now, as you can see, we are surrounded here
0:11:35 > 0:11:38by a mountain of motoring-related Christmas present ideas.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- I say present ideas, actually it's landfill.- Oh, yes.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46We haven't got time to get through all of it, but I want to start with this.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Perfume, as we know, is a very popular Christmas gift.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Big names, Givenchy, Chanel. Now look... The RAC.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Yes, the RAC has launched this.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00They're calling it Eau De Voiture.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Ooh, sounds promising!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04What you do is you spray it into your car
0:12:04 > 0:12:07and it makes it smell like a minicab.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- It's quite strong!- Have some of that.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- It is like a minicab. - Because it smells... Oh,- BLEEP!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18My eyes!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- You cretin!- I'm blind!
0:12:22 > 0:12:26The thing is, what it does, and I've really got a lot of it now,
0:12:26 > 0:12:31is it's one of those smells that makes you think it's covering up other smells.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Like Femme Fresh.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER
0:12:34 > 0:12:40Because it's a very strong smell in its own right, but it suggests that there are other things masking.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45You get notes, don't you? You get notes, undercurrents. Suggestions of...
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I can smell the fruity stuff, but also a bit of stale wee.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Sick?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I can get a really beery burp.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54All the things you'd expect in a minicab.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58I have another gift suggestion here for Christmas.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Are you fed up with people bumping into you in a crowd situation?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Yes, I am! - Well, I have the solution here
0:13:04 > 0:13:09with these small, ear-mounted human indicators. I kid you not.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13What happens is, I'm walking along, say in a shopping centre.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Here I am in a shopping centre and you'll be the crowd?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20There's a danger of jostling here, because I'm going to that shop on my right.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25- You can indicate! - So now you know and you can take evasive action.- And you can go left?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Yes. Actually, I fancy the record shop over there.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- Everybody knows what's happening. I think it's a very good gift. - Human indicators.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36So how much are they? Do we know?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Oh, I don't know. Some money.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Look at this superb shirt.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46It's got everything you need, really.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49It has a web address here.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51It's stitched into the collar and then on the back,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- look at that - Mercedes-Benz. - That's classy.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Oh, yeah. Really, honestly, it's hard to think of any way that this could be improved.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03That says, "I have a washing machine and everything else I own is already in it."
0:14:03 > 0:14:06But, James, you like a flowery shirt, so why wouldn't you like that?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Well, why would you want a web address?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Jeremy? Jeremy?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15OK, this is a bad thing. That's a bad thing.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18It's got out of hand. It's all right. No, it's gone out.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Relax.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22That's actually quite...
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Jeremy has set fire to the Christmas presents!
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I have actually set fire to the Land Rover teddy bear. No.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34You know the smoking rules in Britain?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- My eyes!- Sorry about that!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Anyway, look - I think...
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- It's still on fire!- It's not.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48It's smouldering, that's all.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Look at this!
0:14:51 > 0:14:55It's a fork on one end and a 10mm ring spanner on the other.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58And the best thing is, there's another spanner in the middle!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01No, but this means you can go seamlessly
0:15:01 > 0:15:05from mending your motorcycle to eating a pie without even pausing.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Chaps, you know how difficult it is to choose the right calendar.
0:15:09 > 0:15:14- Obviously you choose it now and you've got to live with it. - It's a big commitment.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16For 12 months, you have to live with it.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20So I'm a bit stumped on what I'm going to use next year, because there's this one.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24This is Her Majesty's Prisons of England.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Different picture every month.
0:15:28 > 0:15:34- But then I found this one - Birmingham's Outer Circle Municipal Bus Route.- Oh, nice!
0:15:34 > 0:15:39But then I found, I think, the solution to my calendar problems.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41The Unofficial...
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Oh, yes!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45CHEERING
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Who did that? It's awful!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53You can have it, James. I've got loads.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Why are you drunk in all the pictures?
0:15:57 > 0:16:01It looks like all the pictures were taken coming out of award ceremonies,
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- so, yes, I probably was drunk. - Do you know what I really love about that calendar?
0:16:05 > 0:16:10Because it's unofficial, you all go and buy one, he receives not one single penny.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I know, I know! Thank you for publicising it.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15It's very kind of you.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19We'd like to recommend this calendar. Everybody go and buy it.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Get rid of that thing!
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Let's do the rest of the show like that.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Why does everything get broken in our Christmas thing?
0:16:27 > 0:16:31As we know, the Lottery Fund has spent millions of pounds
0:16:31 > 0:16:36turning old warehouses in places like Liverpool and the West Midlands into art galleries.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40And we also know that they have all been an unmitigated failure.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45We think the reason for this is because they haven't got any cars in them.
0:16:45 > 0:16:51Art experts will tell you that cars aren't art. We think they can be.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Back in the 1970s, BMW started making things like this over here.
0:16:55 > 0:17:01It's a three-litre CSL, but the bodywork has been painted by American artist Alexander Calder.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Then in the '90s, there was a three-series race car.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07The body's been painted by artist Sandro Chia. Then over here,
0:17:07 > 0:17:12an 850 CSI - that's been painted by British artist David Hockney.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Provincial galleries would never accept this sort of thing these days,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18and that, we reckon, is exactly why they're failing.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22So we decided to take over the Mima Gallery in Middlesbrough.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25And using nothing but motoring-based art,
0:17:25 > 0:17:31we would attempt to get 30,000 visitors through the door up North in a single week.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35And that's as many as Tate Britain gets in a week in London.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41This is the North, which is where northerners live.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48And this is the art gallery we've taken over.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53We'd simply clear out the paintings northern people plainly don't want to see,
0:17:53 > 0:17:58and fill it with motoring exhibits that hopefully they do.
0:17:59 > 0:18:07To decide what these exhibits would be, we went to our secret motoring art base in Surrey.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- What on earth is that?- It's a car.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13The artist claims that he makes these by painting them
0:18:13 > 0:18:16and then driving a remote control over them. I mean, I like it.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- I like it. - It's got a joie de vivre to it.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Yes, put it in! Oh!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24It's Damon Hill in the wet.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- Superb.- That goes in.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29What he should have done is just given us that bit.
0:18:29 > 0:18:35That would now look like one of Monet's visions of his lily pond, but it would be about Formula One.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38It does have a Monet quality to it, no question.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I'm sorry, gentlemen, this is the worst painting I've ever seen
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- in my entire life and it's not coming.- Or is it?
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Maybe this is a commentary on the superhuman,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53almost alien nature of a Formula One driver at this level.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Because clearly this isn't human.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58That much is immediately apparent.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03What it's done is suck the life out of this corpse in the overalls her.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07All of that is gone, drained out by this creature.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10This is coming with us. This is properly amazing stuff.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14And so is that. I think in Middlesbrough this will go well.
0:19:14 > 0:19:20Why-aye, a tab! They're refuelling his car and he's having a tab.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24That is, without doubt, the centrepiece of our exhibition.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- It's exquisite work. - That is not going in.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Hammond...- It cannot go in!
0:19:29 > 0:19:33We went round the room ticking the yeses.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Look at the way they've captured his moustache so beautifully here.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Not just that moustache, but the other two moustaches as well.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45So this is a collage out of press comments about him.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46I see.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Excellent. Definitely going in.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Oh, gentlemen!
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Gentlemen! I bet you any money that in the North,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59people will be stunned by this. It's a V8 Shark.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- If it provokes a response, that's going. - It will provoke a response.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09In addition to the pre-prepared art, we've been making some ourselves.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13James, for example, is keen to make a sculpture.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18I've decided to de-construct the car, literally, as you can see, and artistically.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Then rather than try and rebuild it as a sculpture that speaks about the car,
0:20:22 > 0:20:28I'm going to do it as a sculpture that speaks about my emotions, my feelings, when I drive a car.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Inspired to some extent by Picasso...
0:20:32 > 0:20:35What you need to bear in mind is if you can get an artist,
0:20:35 > 0:20:40somebody with frizzy hair and sticky-out teeth, to say it's art, then it's art.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45While James set to work on his big metal face,
0:20:45 > 0:20:51Richard went off to create a modern day interpretation of Constable's Hay Wain.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Right...
0:21:00 > 0:21:05Unlike Richard, I'm not very good at drawing, because I didn't go to art school.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09So my painting will be done by this.
0:21:11 > 0:21:17The 2005 Red Bull F1 car. Yep.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22Its three-litre V10 will be my brush.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26All we need now is a tame racing driver.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Some say he has a massive chin, and that's true, he does.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Because he's David Coulthard. So are you ready for this?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I think so. I'm still trying to get my head round the concept.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Well, the idea is very simple.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42We are going to put paintballs into the air box.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45They will then shoot out of the exhaust, and into the canvas
0:21:45 > 0:21:47that I'll be holding behind the car,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50so we'll sort of splatter the canvas using this car as our brush.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- Sounds beautiful. - It's triggered to start firing them at 5,000 RPM.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57So you need to go to 5,000. Can you do that?
0:21:57 > 0:22:02- I can probably manage that. - So if you want to hop in, mate, I'll go and stand behind the vehicle.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Actually I might just put some protection on my head.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11I've done some weird things in my life, but this is up there.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12All right, then, David. Ready!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Argh! Oh, God! Oh!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26My plums!
0:22:26 > 0:22:31I'm not giving him mouth-to-mouth, that's for sure.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Things were going badly for me, but they were worse for Sir Henry May.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Every day, over 10,000 people go to the National Gallery to see the Hay Wain.
0:22:51 > 0:22:57More will come and see this, because it's got more of a social statement about it.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02Also, because I'd substituted the Hay Wain for a Zonda.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04It's poetry in paint.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Plums now protected and using a stronger aluminium canvas,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Coulthard and I were in business.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27A plane of light just bouncing off here.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Work it in, work it in...
0:23:31 > 0:23:37With the paintball painting finished, I was now busy on another creation.
0:23:37 > 0:23:46What I'm doing is spraying the car with a special paint that shows up best in ultra-violet light.
0:23:46 > 0:23:52Sorry, sorry! So when I've finished, Mr Coulthard is going to take it for a spin round the track.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57It will streak, showing me where the air flow has gone.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Sorry, sorry again. Sorry, mate.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04With the car dripping wet, David set off.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11But unfortunately some of the paint had gone on his visor.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Oh, dear!
0:24:19 > 0:24:25After wiping his helmet, he set off again to create some 200mph art.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34You sprayed my helmet.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35You shot one of my testicles.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Oh, I see, that helmet. That was, I admit, a mistake,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41but you should see what has been achieved.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44When we put this under ultra-violet light...
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Can we edit the spin out? - Yes, we can edit that out!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49You promise?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Projects completed, we reconvened at the secret base,
0:24:52 > 0:24:56where our exhibits were to be assessed by Rupert Maas,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58an art dealer from the Antiques Roadshow.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01It was a lot better than this.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- The problem was, it didn't dry.- It's sort of still happening, isn't it?
0:25:05 > 0:25:11It's performance art, because it has streaked in a living way.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Yes...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It fell off the easel.
0:25:16 > 0:25:21I mean, it really is nature and the automotive world absolutely crashing together.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23It's very good. Very good.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28Quite, quite. I have to say, I think it is probably more compost than art, but thank you.
0:25:30 > 0:25:36Annoyingly, Rupert seemed to quite interested in James May's big face.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39It's called Acceleration Face Number One.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43I mean, I was inspired to some extent by Der Blaue Reiter
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- and some of the works of that era. - And African masks.- Exactly.
0:25:46 > 0:25:53The African mask has had an influence on it. It's very angular, it's quite simplistic, it's quite primitive.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- Has it been on fire?- No.
0:25:56 > 0:26:02- What does the expert think? - Well, let's have a look at it in the round. I quite like the welding.- Oh!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08We can repair this, James.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- That's better!- You see?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17The Mona Lisa of the scrapheap.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21The rest of the visit wasn't any better.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- Is there anything here that catches your eye?- No.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- Does that one work?- No.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Is this no good?- No.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Does it work on any level for you?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- No.- Does it have artistic merit?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- No.- So all of this is terrible?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- Frankly, yes.- Thank you very much for coming along.- Thank you.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44I value your opinion. I won't necessarily pay any attention to it.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- In fact, none of us will. But thank you very much for coming, Rupert.- Pleasure.
0:26:48 > 0:26:54Feeling a bit disheartened, we decided to try and create our own BMW art car.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58We need to agree on a light source and a viewpoint.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03Our genius plan was to paint the inside of the car on the outside,
0:27:03 > 0:27:08with James taking the bonnet, me the side, and Jeremy the boot.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Jeremy, though, didn't quite get the idea.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Right, red for the blood.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Er, mate...
0:27:19 > 0:27:21What?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23It's supposed to be what's INSIDE the car.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28How do you know there isn't a horse's head in the boot?
0:27:28 > 0:27:34For our final creation, we had to cut a car in half, which meant using a dangerous plasma cutter.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38That meant we had to take precautions.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- I could help. - You can't do this with a hammer.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43That's exactly why you're taped to a chair.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46This is like a scene out of Reservoir Dogs.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Don't give us ideas.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Guys, where did you find that car?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56It was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01It says here, RJO4 RWZ, it's a rental car.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:11We'll see how that pans out later on,
0:28:11 > 0:28:16but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:28:16 > 0:28:22Now, my guest tonight won the 2009 Formula One World Drivers' Championship.
0:28:22 > 0:28:28He won the 2009 World Constructors' Championship for Brawn.
0:28:28 > 0:28:33And when he was pipped to the BBC's Sports Personality of the Year award
0:28:33 > 0:28:35last weekend, by Ryan Giggs,
0:28:35 > 0:28:40he won the 2009 trophy for the best forced smile.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Let's see if he's still gritting his teeth.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Ladies and gentlemen, Jenson Button!
0:28:46 > 0:28:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Thank you.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54He's here.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Hello to you. Well done.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- Jenson Button, Formula One World Champion.- Wooh!
0:29:00 > 0:29:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Have a seat. Have a seat.
0:29:08 > 0:29:13OK, that's the congratulations over now the commiserations.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16Because this time last week...
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Did anybody see Sports Personality Of The Year?
0:29:18 > 0:29:21- Yes.- Yes.
0:29:21 > 0:29:27I mean, let's be honest, Ryan Giggs, he's 73.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31- And he can still kick a football. - I think you do need an award for this, actually.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34We have actually got a clip of the moment. If you want to look away.
0:29:34 > 0:29:38Everyone else can see this, here we go. This is the moment.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Well, that is a shock.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43That's a big shock.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Yeah.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49That is a... That is a rictus grin, that is.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53I could be an actor with that, no?
0:29:53 > 0:29:55No, you couldn't.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57You couldn't because what I loved was when he said I haven't got
0:29:57 > 0:30:00a speech ready I thought, no, but the man behind you has.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03So anyway, I just want to know because I'm sure loads of people will be interested.
0:30:03 > 0:30:08It was actually this time last year, there you were gearing up for a new season.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12You had got Ross Brawn on board who's obviously a genius designer
0:30:12 > 0:30:17and then the call comes through from Honda that they're pulling out of the sport. How did that feel?
0:30:17 > 0:30:22It was difficult. I had just got back from, I was in Lanzarote doing some fitness training.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24I was all ready for the new season.
0:30:24 > 0:30:28I arrived at Gatwick and I got a message from my manager saying,
0:30:28 > 0:30:30it's over.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31Honda are pulling out of the sport.
0:30:31 > 0:30:36It was a really difficult thing to take in. Because you know, will
0:30:36 > 0:30:41were going to be racing in 2009. We were going to have a competitive car, possibility of winning races.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43There was a lot of work that went into that car and
0:30:43 > 0:30:46it would have been an absolute tragedy if it wasn't on the grid.
0:30:46 > 0:30:52So all I could do was stay focused and try to help the team as much as I could.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56And that's what we did, we got through a difficult winter and we produced a car...
0:30:56 > 0:31:00- And this was when Ross was able to buy what remained of the Honda team. - Yes.
0:31:00 > 0:31:08Now, you came here last time having not won a race in Formula One and you had done about 140 11.
0:31:08 > 0:31:14- Yeah.- And you said you'd cheerfully give up the jets, the lifestyle, the Monte Carlo for that first win.
0:31:14 > 0:31:20But the thing is you damn nearly did give up all that lifestyle to go to Brawn, didn't you?
0:31:20 > 0:31:25I mean how big a sort of cut was it in terms of everything?
0:31:25 > 0:31:31There were 700 odd people working at the factory and they had to scale down the team
0:31:31 > 0:31:35so obviously there were some redundancies, which was tough, even for the people that stayed.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39But we all gave as much as we could and we tried to help as much as we can.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43I suppose it would be impossible to say, "no, I want N-million dollars a year"
0:31:43 > 0:31:47when people are being made redundant. Because you went to 20% of your salary or something.
0:31:47 > 0:31:52Can't remember the figure at the moment.
0:31:52 > 0:31:53But don't feel sorry for me.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55LAUGHTER
0:31:55 > 0:31:58But that first test that you did
0:31:58 > 0:32:04in what would become the Brawn car, were you surprised how fast it was?
0:32:04 > 0:32:08I knew we had built a good car because all the numbers
0:32:08 > 0:32:12said so in the wind tunnel but until you actually drive it, yeah, you don't know 100%.
0:32:12 > 0:32:17But we bolted in the Mercedes Benz engine in the back because obviously it wasn't made for that engine.
0:32:17 > 0:32:23We had to sort of trim the chassis down and make sure the gearbox fitted, just about fitted.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25With some spaces and what have you.
0:32:25 > 0:32:31And went out and tested it at Barcelona and after five laps I really felt comfortable in the car.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34And I came and I said, "Guys, you know, this is all right. This is a good baseline."
0:32:34 > 0:32:37Even though it was a last-minute botch job to get the Mercedes engine.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40Yes, yep, this fills pretty nice. My engineer came up to me and said,
0:32:40 > 0:32:45"Jenson, you are seven tenths quicker than anyone." They had been testing for three months.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49- Seven-tenths.- Seven tenths. Which is a lot.- That's three years in Formula One.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52It's massive. Oh, yeah. And then every race people were putting on
0:32:52 > 0:32:56big packages and for us to try and keep the advantage was impossible.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59So, yeah, it's been a very tricky season.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Leading the championship from start to finish sounds easy.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04But it's not.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06It's really, really hard.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Cos I have to say, I mean Brazil, I don't know
0:33:08 > 0:33:12if anybody was watching Brazil which was the penultimate race.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14You had to come fourth and then you were definitely
0:33:14 > 0:33:16World Champion irrespective of what anyone else did.
0:33:16 > 0:33:22Let's just have a look at these clips of you in that race needing to come fourth.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25So that's big John, isn't it?
0:33:25 > 0:33:27- Grosjean?- Grosjean, Yeah.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29'Can he do it?'
0:33:29 > 0:33:33- 'Another stunning piece of driving under pressure from Button.' - Thank you, Martin.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Look at that again, that's round the outside.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38'Wonderful move by Button squeezed in there.'
0:33:38 > 0:33:43We're almost doing 200mph there you can't really see it from the camera but it's...
0:33:43 > 0:33:44Jesus that's so close.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46'Jenson Button through.'
0:33:46 > 0:33:49'I have to say, he's been impressive.'
0:33:49 > 0:33:53So this is now whatever his name is, the Red Bull.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56That was last of the late breakers, wasn't it? Take that.
0:33:59 > 0:34:00APPLAUSE
0:34:00 > 0:34:05- Great drive. - Thank you.- That was the drive of a champion that was.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08You know when it kicks out...
0:34:08 > 0:34:12When I'm driving a car and it kicks out like that, I poo myself.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16This might sound really silly and think I'm a bit of a know it all, but
0:34:16 > 0:34:19- I did actually do that on purpose a little bit.- What, kick the tail out?
0:34:19 > 0:34:26Because I had to make sure that I could get to turn two first and one of the only way of doing it is
0:34:26 > 0:34:29a little bit of oversteer makes the guy a little nervous that you're getting close.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32And that is what happened. And the great thing is he backed out of it.
0:34:32 > 0:34:40Sorry, I just need to... This is very peculiar. So you have the World Championship riding on
0:34:40 > 0:34:44your having to finish the race, obviously to get the World Championship.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47And you kick the arse of the car out, ON PURPOSE,
0:34:47 > 0:34:52- to unnerve whoever he is. - Well, it's giving him less room he's got no room to turn on the inside.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56Yes but what if you had cocked it up?
0:34:56 > 0:35:01- You know for me to win the world championship before the last race was a must.- Oh, yeah.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05I really wanted to get it done before so I had to take the risk.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Now, obviously we are looking forward to you versus Lewis.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Are you going to be able to beat him?
0:35:10 > 0:35:12That's the aim, I wouldn't be doing it if not.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15That's going to be, I tell you it's going to be a fascinating battle.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18This is a massive buzz for me. It's so exciting.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22I've been in F1 for ten years and having the chance to race
0:35:22 > 0:35:26alongside Lewis at McLaren, it's something I'm really excited about.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Can we just talk about your road cars?
0:35:28 > 0:35:36- Yes.- Have you not got a Veyron?- Yes. I have.- Can I just ask what's the fastest you've driven it?
0:35:36 > 0:35:41Um, 70 times... Less 10%... 77.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44LAUGHTER
0:35:46 > 0:35:50- LAUGHTER - It's actually been here. - Do you believe him? Has it?
0:35:50 > 0:35:54I sneaked in one day and unlocked the bars and drove round your circuit.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Had a bit of a practice. Was it any good here?
0:35:56 > 0:36:03It was all right, except for you had... I can't say what I was going to say. Because I want to sell it.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06LAUGHTER
0:36:06 > 0:36:09So anyway, obviously you came here into our Liana.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11I tell you what,
0:36:11 > 0:36:13- I had to change my driving style here.- Really?
0:36:13 > 0:36:18I think it was the snow, possibly.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20You say that, you're such a fusspot.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24No, seriously, listen to this. You've got to listen to me, I'm a guest.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26LAUGHTER
0:36:26 > 0:36:29Go on, because it would just be a racing driver excuse.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31No, it isn't an excuse but I jumped in
0:36:31 > 0:36:35and I sat there revving the engine with the heater on thinking, "I'm so nervous.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39"This thing is an amazing bit of kit."
0:36:39 > 0:36:43I've learnt so much coming here I'm really going to take it into the 2010 season.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Who would like to see Jenson's lap?
0:36:48 > 0:36:49- ALL:- Yeah!
0:36:49 > 0:36:52There you go. It's obviously the old Liana.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56And there it is. We haven't seen that for ages.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58- Look how wet it is.- It's damp.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Think like this is for the World Championship, come on JB.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04It's more important than the Formula One world championship.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Look at it, it's greasy.
0:37:06 > 0:37:11In F1 if it's wet the tyres work, if it's greasy you just slide.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15- You're holding on nicely through there. - A little bit slippery out here.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18It is interesting, that first turn.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Yes, I'm impressed, no power understeer.
0:37:21 > 0:37:26- First turn you took the wide line in.- A little bit wild, JB. Come on!
0:37:26 > 0:37:27At least I'm not singing.
0:37:27 > 0:37:32You're not singing. And Lewis has a different line in that first corner and he's adamant about it.
0:37:32 > 0:37:37So there you go, you see, now that's tidy.
0:37:37 > 0:37:42I tell you what. I'm more scared driving this than I'm a Formula One car.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44I was. This bit here is scary.
0:37:44 > 0:37:49- It is. If you go on the red wires, that's quite slippery.- I think they should put this on the F1 calendar.
0:37:49 > 0:37:50This place rocks.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54Oh. That was nice and close to the tyres made the move.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57Second to last corner here let's have a look.
0:37:57 > 0:37:58Yes, that's good.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01- Got the back out a bit. - Yeah, it's fun. Beauty.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03Come-on, got the back out again.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05There we are.
0:38:05 > 0:38:06Across the line.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08I thought that looked quite good, that.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10So.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12APPLAUSE
0:38:16 > 0:38:19So. Here we go. Jenson...Button.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25- See that. I didn't even lean forward.- You will.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30- No, really. Where do you reckon? - It felt good.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Very slippery but I could slide the car through the corners.
0:38:32 > 0:38:36It was fun. I don't think I'm quicker than I was before.
0:38:36 > 0:38:40Because it was dry, how would I be?
0:38:40 > 0:38:44Well, Lewis was here in exactly the same car in exactly the same conditions.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48- They rarely were exactly the same. - I'm a better driver than I was then.
0:38:48 > 0:38:54You did it, he's a 1.44.7, you did it in 1...
0:38:54 > 0:38:5640...
0:38:56 > 0:38:584...
0:39:00 > 0:39:019...
0:39:01 > 0:39:04- Oh, you're kidding. - You just missed out.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06But give him a huge one.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Wait a minute, I'll give you the wet.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13Look at that.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Do you know what it was? It was that showboating in the last two corners.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20It was fun, though. That little thing is so fun.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23It is. You should try the more powerful Chevrolet Lacetti.
0:39:23 > 0:39:27- Well, they wouldn't let me have a go in that one.- No, because that's the Formula One car.
0:39:27 > 0:39:33Anyway ladies and gentlemen, I give our World Champion, Jenson Button.
0:39:33 > 0:39:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:38 > 0:39:41And actually your face will be
0:39:41 > 0:39:46back in a minute because what we're going to do now is pick up our art gallery film.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53James and I arrived by aeroplane fresh from the South.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55Where do Geordies actually come from?
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Geordies are from the North-East.
0:39:57 > 0:40:01Maybe they're all Geordies. Then there's others, Foggies, aren't there?
0:40:01 > 0:40:04There's the Foggies and the Muggies and the monkey hangers. I don't know what they are.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08- Are they all types of Geordie? - Well, I think so. - Or are they, maybe they're different.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12They all say why-aye so they must all be Geordies.
0:40:12 > 0:40:19As our BMW art car was so valuable, I decided to drive it to the exhibition myself.
0:40:22 > 0:40:26What I have here is a 3.5 litre straight six painting.
0:40:26 > 0:40:31It's art that moves you, quite literally, moves you.
0:40:35 > 0:40:39At the Middlesbrough Institute Of Modern Art, Captain Sense of Direction
0:40:39 > 0:40:44had decided to make an audio guide to that would steer visitors around the exhibits.
0:40:44 > 0:40:50If you turn through almost 180 degrees to your left or even to your right in fact because it of course
0:40:50 > 0:40:56makes no difference whatsoever and walk straight ahead towards the wall and rotating to
0:40:56 > 0:41:00your right and not quite through 180 degrees but probably about 155.
0:41:02 > 0:41:09I, meanwhile was on the road, touring the local radio stations in a bid to drum up some support for our show.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11This is fantastic.
0:41:11 > 0:41:12I've got a van.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15I've got a list of phone numbers and I've got a mission.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18I'm a PR agent.
0:41:22 > 0:41:26And then walking through the white door we arrive at the upstairs gallery.
0:41:26 > 0:41:31Actually, that's not right. You need to come out and turn left or right if you haven't gone through
0:41:31 > 0:41:34the white door through the glass door, which you push.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37You are then in the upstairs gallery.
0:41:37 > 0:41:43The first stop on my publicity tour was Radio Tees.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46Who cares about the weather because it's the weekend.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48Who cares when Top Gear is in town.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51- And Richard flipping Hammond is with us.- Yes!
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Here comes the publicity.
0:41:55 > 0:42:02Welcome to Teesside. You of course used to work here many years ago, why are you here?'
0:42:02 > 0:42:05Well, it's great to be here. I did used to work here, apparently.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08I worked in a lot of radio stations for not very long.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11What are you doing!
0:42:11 > 0:42:13'So yes, I worked here....'
0:42:13 > 0:42:17- Talk about the exhibition.- And I have fond memories of working here.
0:42:17 > 0:42:21Nobody's interested in your bloody memories.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25Because I started in Radio York in 1989.
0:42:25 > 0:42:29Oh, for crying out loud!
0:42:29 > 0:42:33For the rest of the interview Hammond brilliantly publicised...himself.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36I've just started something up called Blast Lab, a kids' science show.
0:42:36 > 0:42:40Oh, for God's sake. This is ridiculous.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43To make matters worse, in the gallery, May was busy
0:42:43 > 0:42:48ignoring our instructions to make the audio guide interesting.
0:42:48 > 0:42:52As it was codenamed during development, rejecting the complicated hydragas suspension
0:42:52 > 0:42:56of its forebear, the Allegro, in favour of a straightforward
0:42:56 > 0:43:03steel-sprung chassis with a rear axle derived from a design already used to great effect.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Hello?
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Yeah, I'm doing it. I've just...
0:43:10 > 0:43:13Yes, I know it's got to be done by it 3.30. But I can't do it because
0:43:13 > 0:43:16people keep ringing me up and asking me if I've done it yet.
0:43:18 > 0:43:24As I bore down on Middlesbrough, Hammond's publicity tour was going from bad to worse.
0:43:24 > 0:43:28Yes, I did, I started in 1989 at Radio York.
0:43:28 > 0:43:33'Yeah, absolutely, I think Total Wipeout has been a tremendous success...'
0:43:33 > 0:43:37- I'm going to have a heart attack! - There's one where people have to climb a platform and
0:43:37 > 0:43:41in front of them are four massive red inflatable balls and they have to...
0:43:41 > 0:43:44Total Wipeout is just idiots falling over.
0:43:44 > 0:43:47Talk about our art exhibition!
0:43:56 > 0:43:59The good people of Hartlepool.
0:43:59 > 0:44:03Hammond is in town with his PR machine.
0:44:03 > 0:44:07At Mima, the other idiot was in the gallery of motor-racing.
0:44:07 > 0:44:10A subject about which he knows nothing.
0:44:10 > 0:44:13Some pictures of racing cars going around corners...
0:44:13 > 0:44:17Hopefully, these cardboard boxes won't be here by the time you arrive.
0:44:17 > 0:44:19There's a man on fire.
0:44:19 > 0:44:22There's a car going along, erm...
0:44:22 > 0:44:25And then I had a problem.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29I was coming round the corner doing about 27mph
0:44:29 > 0:44:32and a cow was there.
0:44:32 > 0:44:34And I just had nowhere to go because of this...
0:44:34 > 0:44:38I'd say there was a school bus...well it was a bus full of children, handicapped children,
0:44:38 > 0:44:41and I saw some ginger ones on so I just...
0:44:41 > 0:44:44I thought, well I'm going to have to miss that, so I'll put it
0:44:44 > 0:44:46in the ditch rather than injure the children.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49That story didn't wash.
0:44:49 > 0:44:53Take a deep breath, Sir. Lips around the tube, constant stream of breath.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56Keep going, keep going, keep going. thank you.
0:44:56 > 0:44:58The good news was, I scored zero.
0:44:58 > 0:45:02The bad news came when the car was towed out of the ditch.
0:45:02 > 0:45:06That's not too... It is quite bad. Oh, God.
0:45:06 > 0:45:11And my attempts to mask the damage with T-Cut just made everything worse.
0:45:11 > 0:45:15ENGINE REVS
0:45:19 > 0:45:22This was an important exhibit for us, this car.
0:45:22 > 0:45:28I'm casting around in my head for someone to blame but it's just me, it keeps coming back at me.
0:45:28 > 0:45:33So, when we met up, I decided to do the honourable thing.
0:45:33 > 0:45:34And go on the attack.
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Did you hear what he did on the...?
0:45:36 > 0:45:39- Yes, I did hear what you did on the radio. - I've been working my backside off.
0:45:39 > 0:45:43You have been and done one interview and you talked about Blast Lab, Total Wipeout...
0:45:43 > 0:45:46- He didn't ask the right questions. - I told you.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48I know more about PR than you. I was on top of it.
0:45:48 > 0:45:51Listen, none of this detracts from the fact, and I can read it in
0:45:51 > 0:45:56your face, that you've been an idiot and you have ruined the whole event.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58By the way. Thanks for asking.
0:45:58 > 0:46:01- I'm fine.- We don't care.
0:46:01 > 0:46:02Evidently. No, it has not...
0:46:02 > 0:46:08As the exhibition was due to open the following morning, we agreed to stop bickering and get to work.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11James went off to rouse the troops.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14And Richard relaunched his PR campaign.
0:46:16 > 0:46:18My work is complete. One mobile billboard.
0:46:18 > 0:46:21But better still, just to really give the message,
0:46:21 > 0:46:27what I've done is actually put one of the exhibits from the gallery, on the move, lit and everything,
0:46:27 > 0:46:31so that people can see it, I'll leave the door open as I am driving around.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34- THAT is PR.- I'm good.- Good.
0:46:34 > 0:46:41I was with Stephen Wiltshire, the artist famous for creating detailed drawings from memory.
0:46:41 > 0:46:44So which bit of New York do you think you're going to put behind the car?
0:46:44 > 0:46:50I'm going to put the Brooklyn Bridge.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52Brooklyn Bridge, OK.
0:46:53 > 0:46:58Out on the streets, the PR machine had adopted a more personal approach.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02LOUDSPEAKER: People of Middlesbrough.
0:47:02 > 0:47:06Tomorrow morning is your opportunity to soak up some art. Madame, in the black tracksuit.
0:47:06 > 0:47:08Sir, in the white tracksuit top, you could visit Mima.
0:47:08 > 0:47:12You, young man, in the grey black tracksuit trousers.
0:47:12 > 0:47:13You sir, in the blue tracksuit top.
0:47:13 > 0:47:16Tomorrow morning, nine o'clock at Mima.
0:47:16 > 0:47:19Art is for the masses, art is for you sir.
0:47:19 > 0:47:23In the black tracksuit trousers and you young man in the blue tracksuit trousers.
0:47:23 > 0:47:27There is a festival of art available for you.
0:47:29 > 0:47:33Back at the gallery it was all go. Each of us had chosen what he
0:47:33 > 0:47:35thought was the best-looking car of all time.
0:47:35 > 0:47:39And Jeremy and I were busy installing them.
0:47:39 > 0:47:42Richard had gone for his own, Series 1 Land Rover.
0:47:42 > 0:47:46Jeremy for a Ferrari 275 GTS.
0:47:46 > 0:47:48No, it is absolutely terrific.
0:47:48 > 0:47:52I bet if you turn the radio on it'll just be the beginning of The Italian Job. That music.
0:47:52 > 0:47:55And I'd gone for a Lamborghini Countach.
0:47:55 > 0:47:59How long have you talked about the Lamborghini Countach for on the audio tape?
0:47:59 > 0:48:01Please, tell me it's no more than two seconds.
0:48:01 > 0:48:03A few minutes.
0:48:03 > 0:48:07It's a very important car. So, this idea that...seriously, James...
0:48:07 > 0:48:09Yes, but you're only thinking in terms of numbers of people
0:48:09 > 0:48:13- coming through, which I know is an honourable ambition...- Yes, that's the goal.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16Yes, but they have to come to a gallery and experience some art.
0:48:16 > 0:48:21OK, what's this James? This is how I want to see the people of Middlesbrough, OK.
0:48:24 > 0:48:28On your left, there's a Lamborghini Countach, that's a Ferrari 275 GTS and there's a Land-Rover.
0:48:28 > 0:48:31In here, we've actually got some art.
0:48:31 > 0:48:34That's the speed I want them to be doing.
0:48:34 > 0:48:40If they saunter, if they're standing there, saying, "Oh, look at the wire wheels and the seats..."
0:48:40 > 0:48:42The log jam.
0:48:42 > 0:48:46There was, however, a more immediate problem. Oh, hang on a minute.
0:48:46 > 0:48:50- Hang on.- Is it too wide?
0:48:50 > 0:48:52- Well, yeah.- We cannot not have it.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54- Can't it just be there? - Well, not really.
0:48:54 > 0:48:59Eventually, the Countach was bought in on a special giant thing.
0:48:59 > 0:49:04And with that done, we went to check on Stephen.
0:49:04 > 0:49:09So that's four hours. And it's gone from a blank piece of paper to that James, in four hours.
0:49:09 > 0:49:13- That's extremely good.- How many times have you been to this place.
0:49:13 > 0:49:15Twice, in the Brooklyn Heights.
0:49:15 > 0:49:22- So you remember the detail on this bridge, just from standing here two times?- Yeah.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24That car is astonishing.
0:49:24 > 0:49:30- I know. You're pedantic on these things. That is really accurate. - Spot on.
0:49:35 > 0:49:38Darkness fell but still Hammond's PR onslaught rumbled on.
0:49:38 > 0:49:41We've stuffed the Mima Gallery full of things
0:49:41 > 0:49:44that people want to go and see, Obviously, it's automotive themed...
0:49:44 > 0:49:49And long into the night, James and I were arguing about where the art car should go.
0:49:49 > 0:49:53So what, you want to position it to draw people's attention to the bit you crashed?
0:49:53 > 0:49:55- Well, yes.- No, I disagree.
0:49:55 > 0:49:59OK, it needs to be...
0:49:59 > 0:50:01Leave it like that. Please go, get on with your next job.
0:50:01 > 0:50:03I'm very happy. Leave it there.
0:50:15 > 0:50:20Show day. And amazingly, our exhibition was looking rather good.
0:50:20 > 0:50:26We had installed many thought-provoking pieces including, Stig World.
0:50:26 > 0:50:33A video installation where visitors get a glimpse of what goes on inside his helmet.
0:50:33 > 0:50:38We also had our ground-breaking masterpiece called, What's Europcar
0:50:38 > 0:50:44Going To Say About This?, and obviously Our BMW art car.
0:50:44 > 0:50:48We knew that all of this would bring in the multitudes and prove that motoring is the way forward
0:50:48 > 0:50:54for the nation's art galleries, so we went on to the roof for our first glimpse of the queues.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57We'll be able to look at the crowd from over here.
0:50:57 > 0:50:58Are you ready, steady...
0:51:00 > 0:51:02It's not that big, is it?
0:51:05 > 0:51:07It was a disaster.
0:51:07 > 0:51:12And the news from the outlying car parks was even worse.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15It was like a scene from Omega Man.
0:51:17 > 0:51:21It's now 10 to 10. As you can see, we've been open for 15 minutes.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23And there is just...
0:51:32 > 0:51:35There, officially now, the people looking after
0:51:35 > 0:51:38the exhibits, outnumbering the number of people looking at it.
0:51:38 > 0:51:43My carefully-prepared personal lectures were a complete waste of time.
0:51:43 > 0:51:47For me, the artist has managed to avoid any kind of branding.
0:51:47 > 0:51:50It's just simply pure...
0:51:53 > 0:51:59To hit our targets, we needed 800 visitors an hour but it just wasn't happening.
0:51:59 > 0:52:02I am just doing a rough head count here.
0:52:02 > 0:52:04- That's about...- It's not a lot.
0:52:04 > 0:52:07Around 75 people, tops.
0:52:07 > 0:52:12By midday the numbers had picked up a bit but instead of following the prescribed route through
0:52:12 > 0:52:18the gallery, everyone was all over the place thanks to James' useless audio guide.
0:52:18 > 0:52:23'And then walking through the white door, we arrive at the upstairs gallery.'
0:52:23 > 0:52:25'Actually, that's not quite right.'
0:52:25 > 0:52:28'Into the next room. The door of which should be open.'
0:52:28 > 0:52:30HIGH-PITCHED ALARM BLARES
0:52:30 > 0:52:31'Bloody Nora.'
0:52:31 > 0:52:37'Yeah, but I can't do it because people keep ringing me up and asking me if I've done it yet.'
0:52:42 > 0:52:45'I can't even turn it off.'
0:52:45 > 0:52:50Worse still, Hammond had forgotten to do his homework on the exhibits.
0:52:50 > 0:52:52That's a Ferrari 275 GTS.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55As you can see, the lines are...
0:52:55 > 0:52:58It's lovely.
0:53:01 > 0:53:04- Nice colour.- Yes, it is a lovely colour, yes, it is.
0:53:04 > 0:53:07We called an emergency meeting.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09OK, right, what are we doing, what are we doing?
0:53:09 > 0:53:11(We're not very good at this. Can I just point that out.)
0:53:11 > 0:53:13Don't skid away, let's just relax.
0:53:13 > 0:53:17- Please...- What is going to work about it? This is a catastrophe, James.
0:53:17 > 0:53:20- It's not a catastrophe... - It's a catastrophe.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23Plainly, Hammond's PR had been rubbish.
0:53:23 > 0:53:26So, to bring in the crowds we needed to find one.
0:53:26 > 0:53:28And we did.
0:53:28 > 0:53:33FOOTBALL FANS CHANT
0:53:33 > 0:53:36At half-time, we would make a hearts and minds appeal
0:53:36 > 0:53:39for the Middlesbrough fans to come to our show after the match.
0:53:39 > 0:53:44Sadly, though, we put Captain Geordie in charge of our outfits.
0:53:50 > 0:53:54BOOING AND WHISTLING
0:53:58 > 0:53:59Is this not..?
0:54:03 > 0:54:05Give us a minute.
0:54:11 > 0:54:14CHEERING
0:54:17 > 0:54:20People of the North-East.
0:54:20 > 0:54:22We apologise for that terrible mistake.
0:54:24 > 0:54:25We are here to ask...
0:54:25 > 0:54:29Please, we have an art exhibition at the Mima Gallery,
0:54:29 > 0:54:35we need your support, we have Ferraris, Lamborghinis,
0:54:35 > 0:54:37we have Richard Hammond's Land Rover.
0:54:39 > 0:54:42Er, anything else? No. Oh, there's one thing.
0:54:42 > 0:54:45Nottingham. You can't come.
0:54:45 > 0:54:48The away fans responded with good grace.
0:54:48 > 0:54:53# You fat bastard, you fat bastard you fat bastard... #
0:54:53 > 0:54:54You fat bastard!
0:54:59 > 0:55:01Amazingly, though, our plan worked.
0:55:01 > 0:55:03In you come.
0:55:05 > 0:55:08If you start shuffling through that way.
0:55:08 > 0:55:14Soon the place was packed, which meant I could finally unveil our centrepiece.
0:55:14 > 0:55:18Without a doubt, the highlight, the highlight of the show so far.
0:55:21 > 0:55:24How much do you have to hate somebody
0:55:24 > 0:55:29to sit down with a piece of cloth and then do that to him?
0:55:31 > 0:55:35Among the crowd was a learned art scholar who could see James' sculpture for what it was.
0:55:35 > 0:55:39- Are you saying it's a bit crap. - Yeah.- Nothing to see. Nothing to see.
0:55:39 > 0:55:43The crowds, though, meant we had a new problem with a James' audio guide.
0:55:43 > 0:55:50Not only was it still getting everybody lost but as I'd feared it was also extremely long-winded.
0:55:50 > 0:55:53'And latterly, to 5.2 litres, an expansion'
0:55:53 > 0:55:56'that was accompanied by the fitment of a new cylinder head...'
0:55:56 > 0:55:57- PHONE RINGS - 'Hello.'
0:55:57 > 0:56:01This meant the visitors weren't moving through the gallery fast enough.
0:56:01 > 0:56:05- Have you been listening to the audio guide?- Yeah.- How is it?
0:56:05 > 0:56:07Pretty boring.
0:56:07 > 0:56:12With bottlenecks springing up everywhere there was no way we'd get the numbers through.
0:56:12 > 0:56:16So I was forced to shorten my personal lectures a bit.
0:56:16 > 0:56:19Right, everybody, there's only one interesting thing in here
0:56:19 > 0:56:22and it's that painting there of the Bentley. Good, you've seen it, off we go.
0:56:22 > 0:56:25There we are, that's a BMW, we've done it.
0:56:25 > 0:56:28In here's a Formula One car with some paint on it, lovely.
0:56:28 > 0:56:29Right, out. Out.
0:56:29 > 0:56:33Out, you, you, off you go.
0:56:33 > 0:56:36- James, however, simply didn't get the idea of this at all.- Does he know?
0:56:36 > 0:56:38Does a cat know it's a cat?
0:56:38 > 0:56:40Does a dog know when its old.
0:56:40 > 0:56:42What does he actually know?
0:56:43 > 0:56:45What are you doing with them up there?
0:56:45 > 0:56:48Well, I'll tell you exactly what's happening.
0:56:48 > 0:56:52Everybody's getting into a room where James May is talking and they're stuck.
0:56:52 > 0:56:56This called for drastic measures.
0:56:56 > 0:57:00- These are stink bombs. - So in machine terms he's extremely bright but he's inanimate.
0:57:00 > 0:57:07Does he have any feelings? Can we transfer our own feelings on to the crash-test dummy?
0:57:07 > 0:57:10Sorry.
0:57:10 > 0:57:13Rodin's Thinker. He's sort of naked.
0:57:13 > 0:57:19- Ooo, bit of an itch.- The point of art is, you have to interact with it. You don't just look at it.
0:57:20 > 0:57:22What's that stink?
0:57:24 > 0:57:27Sorry about that, it's unfortunate, but...
0:57:27 > 0:57:32OK, if you'd like to move to the exits now, tremendous, thank you for leaving here.
0:57:32 > 0:57:35Sorry about the smell. I've no idea how that happened.
0:57:35 > 0:57:43Soon the crowds were moving along at a fair old pace, which meant there wasn't much more we could do.
0:57:43 > 0:57:46- We've got the best exhibits that we could have got.- Yep.
0:57:46 > 0:57:49We've done the best PR that we can do.
0:57:49 > 0:57:51Oh, yeah.
0:57:51 > 0:57:56It's now time for us to bail out and let the numbers roll in.
0:57:56 > 0:58:00With that. Back to the studio.
0:58:00 > 0:58:02I finally got to say that.
0:58:03 > 0:58:05APPLAUSE
0:58:05 > 0:58:08OK.
0:58:08 > 0:58:11I have the figures here, remember...
0:58:11 > 0:58:13Remember, we had to beat 30,000.
0:58:13 > 0:58:18- Yes, so...- And what we actually managed was 50,000.
0:58:18 > 0:58:19Yes, yes.
0:58:19 > 0:58:22No, no, 15.
0:58:22 > 0:58:2415,000.
0:58:24 > 0:58:27Oh, so, a half of what we needed then.
0:58:27 > 0:58:30Yeah, we were halfway there.
0:58:30 > 0:58:35But, this is still an all-time record for the Mima Gallery.
0:58:35 > 0:58:39- Yes. That is brilliant.- We did it.
0:58:39 > 0:58:41We sort of did it. We did something.
0:58:41 > 0:58:42Cars are the future of art.
0:58:42 > 0:58:47They are and that is a bombshell and that means we can end.
0:58:47 > 0:58:51Have a very, very happy Christmas. Take care. Good night.