0:00:12 > 0:00:15Tonight, James gets wet.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18An actual or spin doctor on our track.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21And the Stig laps a Reliant Robin.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hello. Good evening. Hello.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Now...
0:00:35 > 0:00:40Now, as we know, as we know, track days these days are very popular.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45The idea is that you drive your own car to a race circuit,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47wearing some horrible branded shirt...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49LAUGHTER
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Like, for example, this one.
0:00:51 > 0:00:57And then you drive around as fast as possible all day and then you go home.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Today, track days are such big business
0:00:59 > 0:01:03you can even buy specialised track day cars like this KTM Crossbow.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08Thing is, this costs £45,000, which is a lot,
0:01:08 > 0:01:12especially as you can't exactly take the kids to school in it.
0:01:12 > 0:01:18No, so, to address this, the producers gave us each a budget of £5,000, and they told us to buy
0:01:18 > 0:01:23four-door saloons that could be used every day but that would also be good on a track day.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And because the challenges they had in mind were quite serious,
0:01:27 > 0:01:32they told us to meet up in the world's the least amusing city.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Yup, it was Berlin.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I was the first to arrive, and as you would imagine,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I had done everything properly.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54This is a Mercedes 190 Cosworth
0:01:54 > 0:01:58and Martin Brundle, the former Formula One driver,
0:01:58 > 0:02:03said that this car had one of the best chassis ever fitted to a four-door saloon.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07It is, if you like, the thinking man's BMW M3.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Talking of which...
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- Hammond.- Oh, yeah. Take a look.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- Yes.- BMW M3, 3.2 litres.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20So you've bought the wrong one.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24No, I haven't, because the original one is now considered a classic.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27So you can't get a good one for less than 15,000.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31This, the series two of the M3, is bigger, faster and better.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- So this is the famous Mercedes 190. - It is.- 2.3.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41- Cosworth.- Known for being the slowest performance car of all time.
0:02:41 > 0:02:46At that moment we were interrupted by the arrival of Clarkson.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Predictable, predictable...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50For good reason.
0:02:50 > 0:02:57The only reason you two didn't buy a Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth is cos you forgot about it.
0:02:57 > 0:03:03No. It's because when you think of high-performance four-door saloons you naturally think of Germany.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04- It's what they do here.- Exactly.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06And where was yours made?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Well, it was designed by a man called Uwe Bahnsen, who is German.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- And where was it built?- Belgium.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Ah, Belgium, the mecca for the performance motorist.- Yeah.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Belgium is home to everything. Tennis players, chips...
0:03:19 > 0:03:23It's not the first place you think of going for a performance saloon car!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26You two are going to lose this and you will end up in ze cooler...
0:03:26 > 0:03:28'At that moment, a challenge arrived.'
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Oh, hello. Thank you.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- "You will now leave Berlin, and head down an unrestricted autobahn."- Good.
0:03:35 > 0:03:43"Points will be awarded for every mph more than 130 that you can or, should we say, dare achieve."
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Still won't be out of second gear when they're going down...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- What's the top speed? - Top speed of that?- Yeah.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51151.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Mine had to be LIMITED to 155.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55This is when they introduced limiting.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57They realised it's too fast. It's a monster.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- Fair enough, because this had the six cylinder engine, 3.2 litre.- It did.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- James, I seem to remember this was not that fast.- No.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- What was its top speed?- 143.- 143?!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10So not really a performance car.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14But I reckon mine will still do that because it is a Mercedes...
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- What?- Oh, my God!
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Ah, the interior, yeah.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22- Have you seen the inside of his car? - Toffee and caramel, that interior is.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26It's not! Oh, and he's gone for the fake wood door-pull.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31- That's a quality touch.- Right, we've got to get out of Berlin.- OK.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32What's that?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- I don't know. - Wasn't there this morning.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37You don't think it fell out of James' luggage, do you?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- HE LAUGHS - Fell out of my what? I missed that.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Ooh, yes. Straight six.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53That's a proper engine.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56This is the Wall.
0:04:58 > 0:05:05What this car has, that the other two cars don't have, is a dog-leg first gear. I should explain this.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Normally, first gear is away from you and forwards
0:05:09 > 0:05:12but here it is away from you and backwards.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17That means that second and third and then fourth and fifth are in straight lines,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19which is what you want for racing,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23so that is a sign that this car has a proper motor sport pedigree.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28You have to remember that in the late '80s, early '90s,
0:05:28 > 0:05:33the Germans were all drunk, running around celebrating the fall of the Berlin Wall.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37And that showed in the sloppiness of the cars they were making.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41The Belgians, on the other hand, they never have anything to celebrate.
0:05:41 > 0:05:47They just get up, go to work and do a good job, as we can see here.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Those are his reversing lights.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- Oh,- BLEEP!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00James, what was that?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Er, nothing.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Look, I've had 30 years of it being left and forward.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08It's a difficult habit to get out of.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09HE CHUCKLES
0:06:12 > 0:06:17On the outskirts of Berlin, we pulled over so our cars could be fitted
0:06:17 > 0:06:19with super-accurate speedometers.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24And then we hit the autobahn, to see which one was the fastest.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Right, for Belgium!
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Two-litre. 16-valve. Massive turbo.
0:06:35 > 0:06:375,000rpm.
0:06:37 > 0:06:395,500. Into fifth.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43120.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Come on, come on!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47125.
0:06:47 > 0:06:496, 7...
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Ooh, it's pulling to the right.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Gone floaty.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56128... 9.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Come on, let's have 130!
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Traffic.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Lot of trucks. A lot of trucks.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07117.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10121.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Feeling good.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19128...
0:07:19 > 0:07:20132.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25135. Traffic.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Oh, God!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Clocked now at 114.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Concentrate.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41122. A bit of a weave.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Oh, bloody lorry.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Achtung! Schnell! Schnell!
0:07:49 > 0:07:53It turned out that while you're allowed to reach the top speed of your car
0:07:53 > 0:07:57on the autobahn, it's not easy.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01You get these German trucks... Yes, look, he's doing it. He's doing it.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06You just get these East German trucks and they just pull out when they want to pull out.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Eventually, though, the traffic did thin.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12So we went for another run.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Here we go, again!
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Don't pull out.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Do not pull out.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24132...
0:08:24 > 0:08:283, 4, 5...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Go! Come on!
0:08:32 > 0:08:33136.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Smelling pretty bad.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Smelling pretty bad.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42138... 9...
0:08:42 > 0:08:45140 miles an hour!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Oh, yes!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Engine temperature's shooting up.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Well, that was 142mph.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01'Not bad for a 21 year-old Ford.'
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Woo!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07135, yes!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Give me 140! Give me 140!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14There it is.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19'Just three more miles per hour and the German Cosworth would beat the Belgian Cosworth.'
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Come on, come, come on.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29It's not going to do it. Sorry.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I did my best.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35'Now, watch and learn.'
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Come on now, come on now, come on now.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42138.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46144...
0:09:46 > 0:09:4947. 48...
0:09:49 > 0:09:5149.
0:09:51 > 0:09:5250...
0:09:54 > 0:09:56152!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Traffic. Slowing.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07This thing will do 155 pretty easily. I've just hit traffic every time.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Yeah, yeah... This will do 180.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13It will!
0:10:15 > 0:10:21'With round one going to the BMW, we pulled over in the next town and were given another challenge.'
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"So far, we've established the speed your cars can go.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28"To see how practical they are, for the next bit of the journey,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31"you'll take it in turns to carry some passengers."
0:10:33 > 0:10:35That's all right.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39As it turned out, it wasn't all right.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41OOMPAH BAND PLAYS
0:10:49 > 0:10:54If we do crash, it will take some explaining.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Come on. I'm the tallest thing here.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03It's not as bad as you'd think, actually.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- I'm trying to be killed by lightning.- What?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- I'm trying to be killed by lightning.- Sorry?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- Are you deaf?- Sorry?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13In you go.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16'Sadly, I wasn't killed by lightning, so I went next.'
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Oh... I might just move these.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23It's my light reading over here.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25OOMPAH BAND PLAYS
0:11:26 > 0:11:32'Almost immediately, I realised that there WAS enough space in the back
0:11:32 > 0:11:35'and that the rear suspension was coping fine.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39'So, I decided to pull over as quickly as possible...'
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Kill me.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43'..and handed the band over to James.'
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Ready, James?- Ja.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Forwards!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- Scheisse. - HE LAUGHS
0:11:58 > 0:12:03'After a while, it became apparent James wasn't coming back.'
0:12:03 > 0:12:06BAND CONTINUES PLAYING
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Oh, hello.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15This looks like trouble.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19'While waiting for the Mercedes to cool down,
0:12:19 > 0:12:24'we asked the oompah band which car they thought was the most spacious.'
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Is it the Mercedes?- No.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Definitely not the Mercedes. What about the BMW?
0:12:30 > 0:12:31It's the best.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Ha-ha! You see? You see? - It's our favourite.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Why?! It's smaller than the Ford.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38It's coming from Bavaria, like us.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42It isn't the test of where are they from!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44This is just racism against the Belgians.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Listen, their decision is final.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50They decide it won the.... What are we calling it - the oompah test?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- The oompah test. - It won fair and square.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- Because it's Bavarian.- It won!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56OOMPAH BAND RESUMES PLAYING
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Thank you for nothing.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Absolutely nothing.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:09 > 0:13:11That's ridiculous.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- The judges' decision is final. - Saying...
0:13:14 > 0:13:19Saying the BMW's the most spacious because it was made in Bavaria...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22that's like saying, "Who's the tallest Top Gear presenter?"
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- "It's Richard Hammond cos he's from Birmingham."- No, it's not!
0:13:25 > 0:13:30"Who's the fastest driver of the three? It's James May because he's wearing his mum's curtains."
0:13:30 > 0:13:35It really is the most spacious car. That's a fact and that's the judges' decision. Live with it.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Stop bleating, let us do the news.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43- Yeah.- Actually, I want to start on a serious note, if I may, with the news, because, as we know,
0:13:43 > 0:13:50for many years, we've been told that Wayne Rooney is the light and the path to righteousness,
0:13:50 > 0:13:54and we must emulate his lifestyle, and indeed the lifestyle of his lovely wife, Coleen.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59Now of course, we realise he is a lazy, talentless jug-eared oaf.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- APPLAUSE - Well, he is.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- That's quite strong.- Strong but true.
0:14:06 > 0:14:12I'm now hoping this means an end to the Rooney-fication of Britain.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Exhibit A, the Range Rover, OK? This was the old model.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Note the plain, sensible front end,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- just some headlights to see where you're going.- Its noble.- It's noble.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24As dignified as a rolled umbrella.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Now look what they've done to it.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Look at this. Honest. This is the new one.- What is it?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30How much bling can you get on the front...?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Look at all the fiddly headlamps and all this business going on!
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I'm surprised it doesn't have studs in its ears, here.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41They have literally ruined it.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Now, listen, I am aware, of course, that there is a demand for a car
0:14:44 > 0:14:49that looks like this, because I know there's such a place as Cheshire.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54And I don't mind if they make this...Range Rover Rooney edition.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58They could just call it the Range Rooney.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00No, no - the Wayne Wover.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- LAUGHTER - These are good names. These are good names.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06But all I'm asking is please can everybody else,
0:15:06 > 0:15:10ordinary decent people, have the old one back, please?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I have to say I agree with you.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15There needs to be a version of the new Range Rover
0:15:15 > 0:15:22that isn't for people who want to celebrate the life and work of a potato-faced shopping enthusiast.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23- We want the old one back.- We do.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28At the end of last week's programme, this appeared. This is called the end board.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31This is what you see every week at the end of every programme.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Except for Top Gear. Look -
0:15:34 > 0:15:36MMXX.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37That's 2020.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42This is the only programme coming from ten years in the future.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Anyway, the point is, OK, there's a new car come out.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49It's called the Night XV. I've got a picture of it here. OK, now...
0:15:49 > 0:15:53XV. What's that?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55That's 207, in Roman numerals.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- No...93.- Yeah, something like that.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00No, it's 207, definitely. Let me talk you through it, OK?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02£650,000.
0:16:04 > 0:16:12For that you get internet connectivity, you get DVD, TV, a cigar humidor...
0:16:12 > 0:16:17And according to one report, it can resist gunfire for 24 hours.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:24Do you know what? I think if I was shooting at someone, I'd get sort of bored after about four hours.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- I think the police would have arrived by four hours, personally. - But, forgive me, it is a car.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30You'd kind of drive off before then.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34After an hour, you'd think, "They're not changing their minds. I'm going."
0:16:34 > 0:16:36He is still shooting at me.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39And the other thing, as well, is it's made in Canada.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Who in Canada could do...? Are you Canadian?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Yeah!- Yeah!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Whatever happens in Canada that would cause somebody
0:16:46 > 0:16:50to shoot at somebody else for 24 hours?
0:16:50 > 0:16:54The other thing as well is if you are shooting at it, it's not likely you're going to miss,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56because here's a picture of it next to a Hummer.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Look at the size of it! It is massive. Absolutely unbelievable.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04So that's Canada's answer to the motor industry there.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Now, I don't know if any of you were watching last week,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11but I had several accidents in a Reliant Robin.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Which has generated a sizable postbag.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18I've got some of the letters here. Let me just read you this one, OK?
0:17:18 > 0:17:23It says, "Dear Top Gear, the only reason why Mr So-called Clarkson was killed
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"is because he wasn't driving it properly.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29"I bet if the Stig drove it, he'd be fine."
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Tell you what, let's find out.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- I'm betting he rolls that over. - No, this is the Stig.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40The only thing that's ever defeated him was...
0:17:40 > 0:17:44He will not be able to do a lap in that car without rolling over. I guarantee it.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46He'll use his special Stiggy powers.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- Coming up to the first corner now. - Perfect.- Absolutely fine.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52And... So he's made...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Oh no, he hasn't.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Told you. I told you.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04There are more letters. Here's one that caught my eye.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08"Dear Top so-called Gear, why didn't you use a Isetta Bubble Car instead?"
0:18:08 > 0:18:11It's a good point. Why didn't you?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I've got one here - one wheel at the back, two at the front.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16It's a more stable three-wheeler configuration.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Yeah. But this has another problem.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- What problem?- Well, why don't you fire it up, mate?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25The 300cc engine bursting into life.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30Now, if you could drive into our imaginary garage over here, that would be lovely.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Oh, look. He hasn't fallen over. Still hasn't fallen over.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35It's much better already.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Just wait, Hammond. Here we go.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39OK, all the way into the garage, please, mate. All the way in.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43You've got a foot to go. Six inches. There you go. Marvellous.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45It hasn't fallen over. It's much better.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47OK. Now, if you'd like to get out...
0:18:48 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- Oh, yeah.- I see your point. The door's at the front.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- You'll have to back it up, mate. - Yeah, go on - reverse. - OK. Where is reverse?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Hasn't got one.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- LAUGHTER Really?- No.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03So how does he get out?
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Well, this is the thing. Honestly, if you think about it...
0:19:07 > 0:19:08If you don't listen...
0:19:08 > 0:19:12James, stop fingering the studio.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14The thing is, OK, that if you had one of these cars,
0:19:14 > 0:19:18you got home like this, you got stuck in your garage, there were two problems.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21You couldn't call inside your house for your wife or girlfriend
0:19:21 > 0:19:27to come and rescue you, because it was the 1950s and the mobile telephone hadn't been invented.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32And of course, if you had a car like this, you wouldn't have a wife or a girlfriend.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Very funny. Could you push me out now, please?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- What?- Would you give me a push? - Me push you out?- Push you out...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- Er...- Can we...?
0:19:40 > 0:19:45- Sorry, what was the question? - We could either push him out or... - Not do that.- Not do that.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- Can we push him out? Ah... - I think no.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- I'm coming down in favour of no as well.- Sorry, James.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- It's a no, sorry.- It's a unanimous no. See you, mate.- Sorry.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Right, well, let's move it on, to this.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00To that, actually, over there.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04That is a Porsche 911.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09And one way or another, that has been with us for about 1,000 years.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Now, though, they've brought out a sort of greatest hits version.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Here it is.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Porsche call is the Sport Classic.
0:20:20 > 0:20:26But I prefer to think of it as "Now That's What I Call The Best Of The 911...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28"Volume One."
0:20:28 > 0:20:35These duck-tail spoiler was originally a hit for the 1973 Carrera 2.7 RS.
0:20:35 > 0:20:41The black headlamp surrounds were first recorded by the 1974 Turbo RSR.
0:20:43 > 0:20:50The Fuchs alloys are a cover version of the ones first seen on the 1966 911S.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54And the wide-body rear arches are from today's Carrera 4.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Anyway, that's enough band analogies.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Let's see if this thing is as good as it was before Peter Gabriel left Genesis.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Starting, if we must, with how fast it will go.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17You get 22 more horsepower than you do in a standard Carrera S.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21That means 0-60 in 4.6 seconds.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Top speed 188.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28And I suppose that means I've got to go and do it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Argh!
0:21:50 > 0:21:54So, it's very fast, very good-looking,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57and surprisingly soft and comfortable,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59but there is a problem.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02It's £140,000 -
0:22:02 > 0:22:05twice what a normal Carrera S costs.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08And they've only made 250 of them.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11And you can't buy one, because they've all been sold.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17So let's move on to a Porsche you can buy...
0:22:21 > 0:22:24..the new Boxster Spyder.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Porsche say this harks back to the lightweight models
0:22:27 > 0:22:29James Dean was driving in the '50s.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33But frankly, that's a bit of marketing cobblers.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36He was a rebel without an airbag.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40This does have an airbag.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42But that's about it.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47It's 80kg lighter than the standard Boxster, thanks to aluminium doors,
0:22:47 > 0:22:54aluminium engine cover, super-light wheels and carbon-fibre seats.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00There's more, or rather, less.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03There is no standard air-con.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07The door handles have been replaced by these little bits of rag
0:23:07 > 0:23:11and they've even ditched the piece of plastic that goes on top of the instruments.
0:23:11 > 0:23:17What Porsche do is, they leave a lot of things that you should get on a Boxster on a shelf in the factory
0:23:17 > 0:23:21and then they charge you more for not giving them to you.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26This car costs £46,000.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28That's 5,000 more than the standard car
0:23:28 > 0:23:30and you get less in return.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Or do you?
0:23:33 > 0:23:41The 3.4 litre flat 6 now has 320 horsepower, 10 more than the standard Boxsters.
0:23:43 > 0:23:49And because it's lighter, 0-60 is done in just five seconds.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Top speed?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59166.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I've owned the standard Boxster S for the last four years
0:24:04 > 0:24:07and I can promise you, this is better.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13It's more eager.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15It's bloody excellent.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Hee-hee-hee!
0:24:22 > 0:24:26But all this stripped back Spyder stuff does have its drawbacks.
0:24:26 > 0:24:32What if you're driving along with the roof down and, suddenly, it starts to rain?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Exactly. What a remarkable coincidence.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Oh no, I need to erect the top tent.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43What you do is, you open the boot.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48You take out this piece, which is called the sun shield.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51You get in the car, you attach it at the front first.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Ah!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Like that...
0:24:56 > 0:25:01Then... You get that bit behind you.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Hang on.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11And then the other end of the same wire goes on this special clamp
0:25:11 > 0:25:16and then these two bits clip on to there...
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Oh...
0:25:17 > 0:25:22'It was a nightmare. But I got it finished just as the "rain" stopped.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Top speed is now reduced from 166 to 126
0:25:30 > 0:25:34because any faster than that and the sky tent blows off.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Frankly, I couldn't care less.
0:25:36 > 0:25:42Because the way this car feels is so much more important than the top speed.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43This is a really happy car.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46It's full of vibrant energy and enthusiasm.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49It's a bit like one of those really stupid dogs.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I bet if you threw a ball it would chase after it.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56And it's having a bit of an effect on me because to be honest,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I have started behaving a bit like the other two idiots.
0:26:01 > 0:26:07The really amazing thing is, in a car as lithe and nimble as this, I can.
0:26:10 > 0:26:17I've said before that some cars give me a strange fizzing sensation inside and this one really does.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I'm fizzing massively here.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I'm fizzing fit to burst. Nurse!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27That's actually a spin, but never mind.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Never mind, indeed.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36What Porsche has done is take one of the most practical everyday sports cars you can buy
0:26:36 > 0:26:39and turned it into a simple indulgence.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45And by making it simple they've made it simply brilliant.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51APPLAUSE
0:26:55 > 0:26:57He will be disappointed.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02It is a shame James isn't here because I didn't agree with everything he said then.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07It's a shame he's not here to stand up, but never mind, will carry on without him.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Start with this, the Sport Classic.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12It's a fabulous looking thing. It's a fabulous car, actually.
0:27:12 > 0:27:18But the price! What I think happened here is, they started off with a price and then tried to justify it.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21No, I'm sorry, it is a pretty thing, but this is worse.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23This really is worse.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26An umbrella, no door handles. Honestly.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31So, I guess there's no point putting that round the track because you can't buy it.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33We'll just put this stupid thing round.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37- I'll have to do the commentary, obviously.- Oi!
0:27:37 > 0:27:41While it's driven by our tame racing driver.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46Some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned
0:27:46 > 0:27:49from the Northampton branch of Little Chef.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51LAUGHTER
0:27:51 > 0:27:55And that his favourite airline pilot is Mark Webber.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Me too, actually. All we know, of course, it's the Stig!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Oh no, he's facing the wrong direction.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Of course, it's a Boxster - both ends look exactly the same.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Off now, slowly, to the first corner.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Just slowly driving through it really,
0:28:14 > 0:28:16in a not very interesting way.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Nothing interesting at all to report there.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23VUVUZELAS BLARE
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Stig, still enjoying his new CD, Vuvuzela Moods.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29I should add that this is made possible
0:28:29 > 0:28:35because Porsche has very kindly reinstated the stereo they normally charge you £5,000 to remove.
0:28:35 > 0:28:41Plodding through the Hammerhead now in the manner of a car that only a complete idiot would like.
0:28:47 > 0:28:53Little known fact, this is also the noise Stig makes when he wants to attract a mate.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Follow through, past some tyres.
0:28:55 > 0:29:02Wish I'd brought a magazine to read while waiting for this stupid thing to haul its way round.
0:29:02 > 0:29:07Not very interesting there, sort of sliding there, and across the finish.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:12 > 0:29:16- I don't mind that. don't like that. - I have the time here
0:29:16 > 0:29:19for a Boxster Spyder and it did it in
0:29:19 > 0:29:231:24.9 which actually isn't bad at all.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27- That puts it right up there.- No, not interested in that at all. Let's put
0:29:27 > 0:29:30a star in our brand-new reasonably priced car.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Now, my guest tonight began his career
0:29:33 > 0:29:38writing pornographical stories for a gentlemen's magazine.
0:29:38 > 0:29:42He then went on to be communications director for Tony Blair
0:29:42 > 0:29:47and Gordon Brown, so he spent most of his adult life working with...
0:29:47 > 0:29:48penises.
0:29:48 > 0:29:49LAUGHTER
0:29:49 > 0:29:53Ladies and gentlemen, Alastair Campbell!
0:29:55 > 0:29:58- How are you?- All right.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01BOOING
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Go on then, go on then!
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Two of the best people.
0:30:06 > 0:30:11- Well, you've come in to the den of lions here.- Yeah, they're all right!
0:30:11 > 0:30:14You don't know yet. It is tricky, I have to be honest,
0:30:14 > 0:30:17thinking about how this interview might go.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19- Me, you...- Yeah.- ..left, right.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Not necessarily right.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Wrong.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25- LAUGHTER - The thing is, I don't believe
0:30:25 > 0:30:28what I write any more than you believe what you say.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30- So... - LAUGHTER
0:30:30 > 0:30:33..interesting sitting here. We've got to do this interview
0:30:33 > 0:30:36and, at some point, we've got to get to the lap
0:30:36 > 0:30:38which is all cheery.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41I prepared some questions that I hope aren't too contentious.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43OK, I thought you would.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45A lot of work gone into these.
0:30:45 > 0:30:46Good.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48What is your favourite colour?
0:30:48 > 0:30:50LAUGHTER
0:30:50 > 0:30:54I've got two. Claret and blue.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Blue? I wasn't expecting blue.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Burnley Football Club.
0:30:58 > 0:31:03- Burnley? I'm fascinated by your love of, erm, football.- Mm-hm.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06- Because you're a Yorkshireman but you support Burnley.- Yup.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Isn't that a bit like, I don't know,
0:31:08 > 0:31:12going to an Oxbridge college and then joining the Labour Party?
0:31:12 > 0:31:14LAUGHTER AND GASPS
0:31:15 > 0:31:19Lots did and lots have.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22But Burnley back then were one of the biggest and best teams
0:31:22 > 0:31:26in the country and they were 20 miles away from where I lived.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29- What star sign are you?- Gemini.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32I don't know anything about Gemini, except my wife's one.
0:31:32 > 0:31:33LAUGHTER
0:31:33 > 0:31:35D'you want to marry me?
0:31:35 > 0:31:37(No.)
0:31:37 > 0:31:41- No?!- No. I'm going to get political now.- Go on, then.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45- Here we go.- So you started out writing porn.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48- I mean that was Forum magazine. Was that right?- Yeah.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51And then you became Blair's... You were communications director.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54- There was a gap. - There was a gap but eventually...
0:31:54 > 0:31:56So you did something noble and then ended up
0:31:56 > 0:31:59sort of prostituting yourself
0:31:59 > 0:32:00which I think is a weird way round.
0:32:00 > 0:32:04I want to move on to Gordon Brown, who lost the general election
0:32:04 > 0:32:06and has now disappeared.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08CHUCKLING
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Two-part question, and a serious one.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13You were obviously in charge of the image
0:32:13 > 0:32:16and how the election was presented to the people.
0:32:16 > 0:32:20Two parts. Who was it that told him that he had to smile,
0:32:20 > 0:32:22and then why did no-one tell him to stop?
0:32:22 > 0:32:24LAUGHTER
0:32:24 > 0:32:27Well, I wasn't in charge. I would have been in charge if we won,
0:32:27 > 0:32:29but we didn't win. So I wasn't in charge at all.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31LAUGHTER
0:32:31 > 0:32:33I don't think you can tell anybody to smile.
0:32:33 > 0:32:37But I think it was possibly his misfortune
0:32:37 > 0:32:39that he followed a Prime Minister
0:32:39 > 0:32:42who does smile a lot very, very naturally.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43- Not like that.- He did.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47- He's got nicer teeth than you, Jeremy. He looks after them.- Yes,
0:32:47 > 0:32:50he probably used taxpayers'... Did they go on expenses, his teeth?
0:32:50 > 0:32:55- No. No, they didn't. Don't applaud. - APPLAUSE
0:32:55 > 0:32:59- It just occurred to me... - Don't applaud that.- If I may,
0:32:59 > 0:33:02if I may, OK, I have some footage here.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04I just want to see Gordon Brown here, OK?
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Here he is. And ready, steady...
0:33:07 > 0:33:10LAUGHTER
0:33:10 > 0:33:13But look - he lightened up the room, didn't he? That was nice.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16- Was it done with electricity, or...? - LAUGHTER
0:33:16 > 0:33:17Fzzzzcrrkkk!
0:33:17 > 0:33:19LAUGHTER
0:33:19 > 0:33:21The thing is, you did Tweet, I believe,
0:33:21 > 0:33:24earlier this week saying, "How do I handle Clarkson, any suggestions?"
0:33:24 > 0:33:27- I got a lot.- Really?- Yeah. - Murder, kill...
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Some of those. "Kick him in the nuts."
0:33:30 > 0:33:34- Mm-hm.- Yeah. "Ask him how he voted."
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Do you know, I think it is none of your business.
0:33:37 > 0:33:38OK, fair enough.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40- INDISTINCT RESPONSE - I'm going to make a guess.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42- Go on then.- Tory.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44That would mean voting for my next door neighbour.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47- Anyway, they didn't win. - Cameron? No, he did win.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50- Well, he didn't really. - Well, he's the Prime Minister.
0:33:50 > 0:33:54He's the Prime Minister but he needs little Cleggo, doesn't he?
0:33:54 > 0:33:55He needs the tea boy, I agree.
0:33:55 > 0:33:56LAUGHTER
0:33:56 > 0:33:59HE SNORTS
0:33:59 > 0:34:01I... I...
0:34:01 > 0:34:05- Anyway, when do we see the lap? - No, not yet, not yet
0:34:05 > 0:34:08- because I want to talk about your books.- Do you?- Yeah.- OK.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11You say that you get inspiration for writing them
0:34:11 > 0:34:16when you are driving along. Is that a distraction for your driver, or...?
0:34:16 > 0:34:20LAUGHTER
0:34:20 > 0:34:22- Honestly, in your book...- OK.
0:34:22 > 0:34:28..Prelude to Power, which is your diaries, pretty much in detail.
0:34:28 > 0:34:34That's, how many pages? 744 pages and it only gets us up to 1997.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36So, the actual "Prelude to Power".
0:34:36 > 0:34:39That's five times longer than War and Peace.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41- I write a diary every day.- You do?
0:34:41 > 0:34:43- You really do write every day? - You will be in there tonight.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47The chat we have outside about the director general will be in there...
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Oh, bloody hell! It was as well.
0:34:49 > 0:34:53- I do a diary.- I said that he was a very well-endowed man.- Yes, yes.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57Now, there is a lot about Clause Four, and all of the things
0:34:57 > 0:35:04that were being changed prior to His Tony-ness's appointment.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07I couldn't find a single reference to the most important thing
0:35:07 > 0:35:11that happened when he became Prime Minister which was the M4 bus lane.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Hmm.
0:35:13 > 0:35:14Was that just a whim?
0:35:14 > 0:35:19There was a thought that it might alleviate some of the congestion
0:35:19 > 0:35:22and, according to the statistical analysis
0:35:22 > 0:35:24thereafter, it kind of worked.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27But YOU can't accept that because you want to cover
0:35:27 > 0:35:29the whole country in concrete and drive in big cars.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:35:31 > 0:35:32LAUGHTER
0:35:32 > 0:35:33The other thing as well,
0:35:33 > 0:35:36what did you think of our new reasonably priced car?
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Because you're the first person to drive it in this proper situation.
0:35:39 > 0:35:44I quite liked it. Once I'd got into really kind of leathering it,
0:35:44 > 0:35:46it didn't have a lot of oomph.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50- I think The Stig was really patient, he really was. Top man.- Really?
0:35:50 > 0:35:53I was kind of half hoping it would be a woman.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57Some say he's fanatically right wing.
0:35:57 > 0:36:01- No, he told me he's not. - Really?- He says you are.
0:36:01 > 0:36:02SCOFFS
0:36:02 > 0:36:05See? You're just believing what it says in the papers again.
0:36:05 > 0:36:10No, I know you're a reasonable, fair-minded chap.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12No!
0:36:12 > 0:36:13LAUGHTER
0:36:13 > 0:36:17- Anyway, who wants to see the lap? - I do.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20You do. Let's play the tape. Let's have a look.
0:36:20 > 0:36:21WHEELSPIN SCREECH
0:36:21 > 0:36:24- Here we are. - That wasn't good, was it?'
0:36:24 > 0:36:25- Not bad.- Was it all right?
0:36:25 > 0:36:29Come on, concentrate.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Remember everything he said.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35'Let's have a look through the first corner. I've never seen...
0:36:35 > 0:36:38'Well, never seen it at all go round the track.'
0:36:38 > 0:36:42Nick Clegg should do this cos he hasn't got an awful lot to do.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45'Now, you've got to stay right here. Oh, no, you've veered left.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47'There's a surprise(!)
0:36:48 > 0:36:50'On your way down to the hammerhead.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53'It understeers more than the old Chevrolet, this car.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56'Doesn't look like it's going as fast as I thought it was.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58'Everyone says that. But you keep...'
0:36:58 > 0:37:00- You ARE veering to the left! - Oh God, yeah.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03'No, here we go. This is flat out. Were you flat-out from your...?
0:37:03 > 0:37:05- 'Felt flat-out, yeah.'- BLEEP!
0:37:05 > 0:37:08- 'Are you competitive?- Very.'
0:37:08 > 0:37:11I just want to beat Nick Robinson tonight.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16'Yes, that's nicely done through there, you cut the corner very well.
0:37:16 > 0:37:17'I had real trouble down there.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19- 'I kept going into 5th. - That's bang ...
0:37:19 > 0:37:21'Not quite fast enough.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23- 'You were in 5th?- At one point, yeah.- Wrong!
0:37:23 > 0:37:27'And there we are. And boing! Across the line!'
0:37:34 > 0:37:35So...
0:37:38 > 0:37:40So...
0:37:40 > 0:37:42where do you think you've come there?
0:37:42 > 0:37:46- I'm quite keen to beat Nick Robinson.- There's a surprise,
0:37:46 > 0:37:47the BBC political editor.
0:37:47 > 0:37:48You did it,
0:37:48 > 0:37:52Alastair Campbell, in one minute...
0:37:52 > 0:37:56- That's good.- ..40...
0:37:56 > 0:37:59So bearing in mind he was at 49.9,
0:37:59 > 0:38:02- you would have a job squeaking in after him.- I'm doing well...
0:38:02 > 0:38:071:47 dead.
0:38:07 > 0:38:08ALL: Oooh...
0:38:08 > 0:38:11That puts you as our second fastest.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13CHEERING
0:38:13 > 0:38:15That's OK.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Well done. No, that's very good.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20So I beat Al Murray.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24- You're faster than Al Murray.- And a Page Three girl.- Peta, 23, Essex.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26- And Nick Robinson.- Nick Robinson.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Next time he interviews you, you can go,
0:38:28 > 0:38:30"I'm faster than you. I'm faster than you. I'm faster than you."
0:38:30 > 0:38:32You're a huge sport for coming down here.
0:38:32 > 0:38:36- Best of luck.- I enjoyed it. - Alastair Campbell!- Thank you.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:47 > 0:38:53Now, now, earlier on, we proved that this BMW M3 is better
0:38:53 > 0:38:58in pretty much every way than this Mercedes and this Ford.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00- Because of racism...- Yeah, whatever.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03Now it's time to go back to Germany so that the BMW
0:39:03 > 0:39:05can win all the other tests as well.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09We begin with Jeremy, predictably, moaning.
0:39:11 > 0:39:16This part of the world was ruined first of all by Hitler then Stalin
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- and now Jonathan Porridge with his windmills.- I like 'em.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22They're noisy, they're pointless.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25Oh, hello. Right.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28"Your cars will now be tested for faults
0:39:28 > 0:39:32"by ADAC, Germany's equivalent of the AA."
0:39:32 > 0:39:37We test them now, after we've maxed them on the autobahn, brilliant(!)
0:39:37 > 0:39:38It won't hurt them.
0:39:38 > 0:39:43Apparently "one of ADAC's mobile patrols will arrive shortly".
0:39:43 > 0:39:45So we're looking for a van.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48- It'll be a van of some sort. - That's all right.
0:39:48 > 0:39:49'It was a van,
0:39:49 > 0:39:52'but this being Germany...'
0:40:08 > 0:40:13- It's got a reception, look. - Look, it has.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16'The ADAC men took charge of James's Merc.'
0:40:16 > 0:40:18- Guten tag, Klaus.- Hi.
0:40:18 > 0:40:19Fortschritt.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23JEREMY CHUCKLES
0:40:23 > 0:40:25What's wrong with the car?
0:40:25 > 0:40:27His racing gearbox is going well.
0:40:27 > 0:40:31'The equipment they had in the van was extraordinary
0:40:31 > 0:40:33'and the tests were very thorough.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36'They used a computer to measure the boiling point
0:40:36 > 0:40:38'of the Merc's brake fluid
0:40:38 > 0:40:42'and a gizmo to check the roundness of its tyres.'
0:40:42 > 0:40:45There's a laser and everything.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47'It was doing quite well, but then...'
0:40:49 > 0:40:50Oh, dear.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Scheisse!
0:40:53 > 0:40:56What a load of rubbish!
0:40:56 > 0:40:58'After this, things got worse.'
0:40:58 > 0:41:03CLUNKING, JEREMY HOOTS
0:41:03 > 0:41:06- I did 140 miles an hour. - You did 140 miles an hour,
0:41:06 > 0:41:09and your wheels...nicht gut.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12..Are very bad, you have let them rust.
0:41:12 > 0:41:17'It was time I put these German chappies straight on a few things.'
0:41:17 > 0:41:19Martin Brundle was sehr gut uber dem auto.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22What was that you just said about Martin Brundle?
0:41:22 > 0:41:24I was just saying
0:41:24 > 0:41:25how Martin Brundle said
0:41:25 > 0:41:28that this was the finest rear-drive chassis he'd ever driven.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30He never said any...
0:41:30 > 0:41:32He did! He had one.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34He did not say...
0:41:34 > 0:41:38Unluckily for you, mate, I have Martin Brundle's number
0:41:38 > 0:41:41- on my telephone.- He will confirm that he said that
0:41:41 > 0:41:42and that he had one.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46- This, he claimed, was the best?! - And famously said that.
0:41:46 > 0:41:47- 'Hello?'- Martin?
0:41:47 > 0:41:50- I'll talk to him.- No, get off. Martin?- Let me talk to him.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54Martin, morning, it's James from Top Gear. Hi, how are you?
0:41:54 > 0:41:57'Yeah, good, are you somewhere exciting?'
0:41:57 > 0:42:00I'm underneath a Mercedes 190 Cosworth, actually,
0:42:00 > 0:42:03and the other two won't believe me when I say that you said
0:42:03 > 0:42:05quite categorically that this was the finest
0:42:05 > 0:42:07rear-drive chassis of any car in the world
0:42:07 > 0:42:09and the best you'd ever driven.
0:42:09 > 0:42:10'When did I say that?
0:42:10 > 0:42:14'I've had a few knocks on the head but I don't remember saying that.
0:42:15 > 0:42:16'It's not a bad engine
0:42:16 > 0:42:19'but, no, it's really not that good.
0:42:19 > 0:42:21'You need the M3 for the best chassis
0:42:21 > 0:42:23'from around that time, I would have thought.'
0:42:23 > 0:42:27That was always my belief that people believed the M3 was better
0:42:27 > 0:42:29and it had got this folkloric reputation
0:42:29 > 0:42:32but anybody who knew what they were talking about, ie you,
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Ayrton Senna, knew that actually the Mercedes
0:42:35 > 0:42:37- was the superior car.- 'I don't remember Ayrton getting out
0:42:37 > 0:42:40'and saying, "That is the best rear drive chassis I've ever been in."
0:42:40 > 0:42:42'I think he got out and said,
0:42:42 > 0:42:46'"I'm pleased it thrashed Lauda and Prost and all those guys."'
0:42:46 > 0:42:50Niki Lauda and Alain Prost as well? I didn't know that.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52You don't need to speak to him...
0:42:52 > 0:42:56I do need to speak to him. Martin? You've turned it off.
0:42:56 > 0:43:00- He's catching an aeroplane to his second home.- What did he say?
0:43:00 > 0:43:04He confirmed everything I said about him. He also said,
0:43:04 > 0:43:05"The engine is excellent
0:43:05 > 0:43:09"and the M3 was a mere shadow of what this car was."
0:43:09 > 0:43:11- Did he?- That's what he said? - Yes he did.
0:43:11 > 0:43:15- That's what he said?- Yes.- That's what he said? Right, lower the car.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20'Next it was the turn of my Cosworth.'
0:43:20 > 0:43:25Mein auto ist die einzige mit...
0:43:25 > 0:43:28TRANSLATION FROM GERMAN:
0:43:30 > 0:43:35- Mein auto ist designen von eine Deutsche.- Yah!
0:43:35 > 0:43:37- Good.- OK.
0:43:37 > 0:43:38Just making it plain.
0:43:38 > 0:43:41I don't want him to mark it down because it's Belgian.
0:43:41 > 0:43:45As it happens, the ADAC man was impressed with my car.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47Good?
0:43:47 > 0:43:49- All good!- All good!
0:43:49 > 0:43:51Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:43:53 > 0:43:56'But it would now be humiliated by the much younger M3.'
0:43:56 > 0:43:58I hate to say this
0:43:58 > 0:44:02because it's verging on complementing you, but your car
0:44:02 > 0:44:04is now quite cool and collectible, whereas that is
0:44:04 > 0:44:07- just something driven by... - Imbeciles.
0:44:07 > 0:44:11TRANSLATED FROM GERMAN:
0:44:14 > 0:44:20Best car? Sehr gut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. It is.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23'As it turned out, it wasn't.'
0:44:23 > 0:44:27- Crikey, look at that. - That's the anti-roll bar, isn't it?
0:44:27 > 0:44:30It had an accident... Kaput.
0:44:30 > 0:44:33JEREMY CACKLES
0:44:33 > 0:44:36That's why you got a different shock absorber.
0:44:36 > 0:44:38It's been botched together.
0:44:38 > 0:44:41It has clearly had a crash, hasn't it?
0:44:41 > 0:44:44'Soon it was time to get our scores.'
0:44:45 > 0:44:47And that's your Ford.
0:44:47 > 0:44:49- The Ford.- And the BMW. Thank you.
0:44:49 > 0:44:51What would be a good score on this?
0:44:51 > 0:44:53A new car would score, a good car...
0:44:53 > 0:44:56- 150 points.- I will go first with my score. Are we ready?
0:44:58 > 0:45:00- 58.- 58? That's good.
0:45:00 > 0:45:02...19.
0:45:02 > 0:45:04- 19?!- Mmm.
0:45:04 > 0:45:06- That's not so good.- No.
0:45:06 > 0:45:08- Hammond?- Six.
0:45:10 > 0:45:12- He's not serious?!- Six?
0:45:12 > 0:45:13Six, yes.
0:45:13 > 0:45:16- Six?!- That's right.
0:45:16 > 0:45:19- Bu...?- The Ford!
0:45:20 > 0:45:23How have I only got six?
0:45:23 > 0:45:24- The back is very bad.- Yeah.
0:45:24 > 0:45:2758 - that's a pass.
0:45:27 > 0:45:29- Six?!- You might as well have got nought.
0:45:29 > 0:45:33- Would you say the BMW is dangerous? - Yes.
0:45:35 > 0:45:38This had a dramatic effect on the way Hammond drove.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44Six.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47I don't know how it could score less.
0:45:47 > 0:45:50It would have to have, like, wheels missing
0:45:50 > 0:45:52or a tiger in it.
0:45:54 > 0:45:56Tonight on First Gear,
0:45:56 > 0:46:01Richard Hammond drives across Germany in a death trap.
0:46:01 > 0:46:05'Hammond's mood wasn't improved when he found out
0:46:05 > 0:46:07'where we'd be staying the night.'
0:46:11 > 0:46:13You've got to be kidding.
0:46:15 > 0:46:19'Yup! Colditz is now a hotel.'
0:46:23 > 0:46:24OK.
0:46:36 > 0:46:38'The next morning, James and Richard checked out
0:46:38 > 0:46:40'in the traditional fashion.'
0:46:40 > 0:46:44MUSIC: "Colditz Theme"
0:47:00 > 0:47:02Where have you two been?
0:47:02 > 0:47:05- How did you get out?- I used my credit card at the reception desk.
0:47:05 > 0:47:07I don't know why we all didn't do that.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09It wouldn't make for a good TV series, would it?
0:47:09 > 0:47:10It wouldn't have had 28 episodes.
0:47:10 > 0:47:14Next, Major Pat Reid denies watching the movie that was on his bill.
0:47:16 > 0:47:20'To Richard's consternation, it was then time for our track day.
0:47:20 > 0:47:24'The producers insisted we stuck to track day etiquette by wearing
0:47:24 > 0:47:29'clothing from the catalogues of the companies that made our cars.'
0:47:31 > 0:47:32Holy Moly!
0:47:32 > 0:47:35Ooh, that's daddy's.
0:47:35 > 0:47:37That's not a good look.
0:47:37 > 0:47:39It says a lot about people who drive Mercedes Benz.
0:47:39 > 0:47:42It does, and do you know, as of Monday morning, I don't,
0:47:42 > 0:47:43any more!
0:47:43 > 0:47:48- If there was a fire around here, imagine the melting...!- Ah!
0:47:48 > 0:47:50Now, the most important challenge -
0:47:50 > 0:47:54"Which of you has the fastest track day car?
0:47:54 > 0:47:56"To make sure this test is fair,
0:47:56 > 0:48:00- "each of your cars will be driven by the same driver."- Yes!
0:48:00 > 0:48:04- I don't have to go out there in the death trap...- Oh, yes, you do.
0:48:04 > 0:48:06"You will be in the passenger seat
0:48:06 > 0:48:09"while the car is driven by a tame racing driver."
0:48:09 > 0:48:12- What, the Stig? - No, he's not the Stig.
0:48:12 > 0:48:16He's the Stig's German cousin.
0:48:21 > 0:48:25Looks like the Stig to me. Still the Stig. Still the St...
0:48:25 > 0:48:27- It is the Stig!- No, hang on.
0:48:27 > 0:48:29- Oh, my giddy aunt.- Mullet.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32I think it might be Stiggy Ray Cyrus.
0:48:32 > 0:48:35First up for Herr Stig
0:48:35 > 0:48:36was the Mercedes.
0:48:39 > 0:48:40Go!
0:48:42 > 0:48:44ROUGH ENGINE ROAR
0:48:44 > 0:48:47That doesn't sound good.
0:48:50 > 0:48:53You've got to remember that in the ADAC tests, they revealed
0:48:53 > 0:48:55that the steering was a bit loose.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58There's a lot of play in the rack, so just don't overdo it, OK?
0:48:58 > 0:49:01Bloody hell!
0:49:04 > 0:49:07'To compensate for the Merc's lack of power,
0:49:07 > 0:49:09'German Stig was on maximum attack.'
0:49:13 > 0:49:17So this is bigger than the Nurburgring, right, this track?
0:49:17 > 0:49:21- Must be, cos of the amount of time it's taken.- Must be 35 miles.- Yeah.
0:49:22 > 0:49:27You can feel the multi-link, Martin Brundle-approved,
0:49:27 > 0:49:32rear suspension hunkering down... Get a grip, man!
0:49:36 > 0:49:43It's 2 mins 19.3, and we've no idea what that means.
0:49:45 > 0:49:46'But we'd soon find out,
0:49:46 > 0:49:50'because it was time to lap the Ford.'
0:49:52 > 0:49:55And the muscles from Brussels is under way!
0:49:55 > 0:49:58The Jean-Claude Van Damme-anator!
0:49:58 > 0:50:01That rear suspension is collapsed.
0:50:02 > 0:50:07This is...pure track day magic.
0:50:07 > 0:50:131,250 kilograms, that's all it weighs, the same as a Mini.
0:50:13 > 0:50:15But it has 200 horsepower!
0:50:16 > 0:50:18So, this German Stig fella...
0:50:18 > 0:50:21will he take well to Jeremy shouting at him and stuff, do you think?
0:50:21 > 0:50:23He didn't take any notice of me
0:50:23 > 0:50:25- when I told him which gear to change into.- Who would?
0:50:27 > 0:50:29This is the car which has won
0:50:29 > 0:50:31the British Touring Car Championship,
0:50:31 > 0:50:36the World Touring Car Championship, the British Rally Championship!
0:50:38 > 0:50:41Das Stig is a maniac!
0:50:42 > 0:50:44Here he comes.
0:50:47 > 0:50:49Wall, wall, wall.
0:50:50 > 0:50:51This is going to be close.
0:50:51 > 0:50:5512, 13, 14.
0:50:57 > 0:50:59Come on, let's have it.
0:50:59 > 0:51:03- Two...- Yep.- 14.- Ooh-hoo-hoo!
0:51:03 > 0:51:05Five seconds faster!
0:51:05 > 0:51:09'All that remained was to lap Hammond's crash-damaged death trap.'
0:51:09 > 0:51:12There are quite a lot of right hand turns, aren't there,
0:51:12 > 0:51:13- in that first bit?- Yeah.
0:51:13 > 0:51:17You're really putting a lot of stress on the front left suspension.
0:51:17 > 0:51:20- Exactly.- If your car had had, let's say, an accident,
0:51:20 > 0:51:23and had been mended cheaply on the front left corner...
0:51:23 > 0:51:25Stop talking.
0:51:26 > 0:51:30Now, Herr Stig, there's one important thing I have to tell you
0:51:30 > 0:51:32about this car before we set off...
0:51:32 > 0:51:35No, I didn't mean set off!
0:51:35 > 0:51:38I haven't told you the thing! What about the thing?
0:51:39 > 0:51:42- Are you cold?- No.
0:51:43 > 0:51:45Go right. Go right.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55- D'you know what I'm expecting to see?- Er...
0:51:55 > 0:51:58Just the front wheel coming across the line in about two minutes' time.
0:52:05 > 0:52:06I'm just waiting to hear
0:52:06 > 0:52:09the unmistakable sound of metal snapping.
0:52:12 > 0:52:15And the...of arterial blood.
0:52:18 > 0:52:19Wall!
0:52:20 > 0:52:23110 miles an hour in a car that scored 6.
0:52:32 > 0:52:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:52:34 > 0:52:37- The board.- The points.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39Here we go.
0:52:39 > 0:52:41- Yes.- What?
0:52:41 > 0:52:44Oh, come on, then, what was the time for the BM, what was the lap time?
0:52:44 > 0:52:46I've forgotten.
0:52:46 > 0:52:48The time, what was it, come on?
0:52:48 > 0:52:50Seriously.
0:52:50 > 0:52:51- What did he do it in?- 2.06.
0:52:51 > 0:52:54- Yes! Thank you very much, I win that. - So, yeah,
0:52:54 > 0:52:57you get one point for every second underneath three minutes,
0:52:57 > 0:52:58so 2.06...
0:52:58 > 0:53:01- 54 points...- Oh, yeah.- ..for you.
0:53:01 > 0:53:03Why is that 3.14?
0:53:03 > 0:53:04What?
0:53:04 > 0:53:06Well, I did the lap in 2 minutes 14.
0:53:06 > 0:53:08But, you see, the producer disagrees.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10- Why?- Well,
0:53:10 > 0:53:14it was that new producer we've got, the one from Uruguay.
0:53:14 > 0:53:18Sorry, mate, he's right, he didn't see one of those minutes,
0:53:18 > 0:53:19so you can't have it.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22- It was on television!- That's inadmissible.- It doesn't count.
0:53:22 > 0:53:24- This is ridiculous.- Bad luck.
0:53:24 > 0:53:29Moving on. So that means my BMW was the fastest on the autobahn,
0:53:29 > 0:53:30it was the most spacious in that test,
0:53:30 > 0:53:33and then it put in the fastest lap.
0:53:33 > 0:53:35Well, I will now garner back some points,
0:53:35 > 0:53:37because it's the YouTube section.
0:53:37 > 0:53:40As we know, people who go to track days,
0:53:40 > 0:53:42they put a camera on the dashboard,
0:53:42 > 0:53:46they record their lap, they put that lap on YouTube.
0:53:46 > 0:53:49And we were told to do the same thing, OK?
0:53:49 > 0:53:52And then there would be one point for every hit we got.
0:53:52 > 0:53:57James, I believe now we have a clip from your Mercedes lap?
0:53:57 > 0:53:59Let's have a look at that now.
0:53:59 > 0:54:03'And we're off. A little bit of tramping from the axle there.
0:54:03 > 0:54:06'Then I'm going to select fourth as we come
0:54:06 > 0:54:09'up to the end of the straight, and we go in to turn one.
0:54:09 > 0:54:11'As we go round turn one... Oh...
0:54:11 > 0:54:14'Oh, cock. As you can see,
0:54:14 > 0:54:17'there are bollards on the circuit, which is not
0:54:17 > 0:54:20'what I was expecting, and must mean I've gone the wrong way.'
0:54:20 > 0:54:25- How can you get lost on a racetrack, mate?- I don't...
0:54:25 > 0:54:26- I don't...- It's one way.
0:54:26 > 0:54:29- I know, I don't understand it, I'm sorry.- All right.
0:54:29 > 0:54:32Let's have a look at a clip from Jeremy's video.
0:54:32 > 0:54:35'Coming up now to the end of a lap.
0:54:35 > 0:54:39'I'm doing 195 miles an hour,
0:54:39 > 0:54:44'200, 210 miles an hour now, 220...
0:54:44 > 0:54:45'And I cross the line.'
0:54:45 > 0:54:49- What? You just lied and then sped up the film.- A bit.
0:54:49 > 0:54:53- A lot!- A bit. Let's have a look at your lap in the death trap.
0:54:53 > 0:54:55- All right.- Here we go.
0:54:55 > 0:54:57HAMMOND: Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!
0:54:57 > 0:54:59And listen to that straight six!
0:54:59 > 0:55:01Brvoom!
0:55:01 > 0:55:04- You didn't take it out. - No, I did, the camera broke.
0:55:04 > 0:55:07- I did it properly...- Cluck! Cluck! - Stop doing that.
0:55:07 > 0:55:10- That's very annoying.- You chicken. - No, I wasn't.
0:55:10 > 0:55:12I did do a lap, the camera broke, it just recorded sound.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14OK, we've had those clips up
0:55:14 > 0:55:17- for a week?- Yeah.- How many hits did you get?- I got...
0:55:17 > 0:55:2071.
0:55:20 > 0:55:21CHEERING
0:55:21 > 0:55:25Are you seriously suggesting
0:55:25 > 0:55:29- 71 people...?- Why would they do that?- Why would...
0:55:29 > 0:55:33- 71...?- Why are people compelled to put themselves on it?- 71 points.
0:55:33 > 0:55:38- OK.- I got 137.- Wow!
0:55:43 > 0:55:45Hammond?
0:55:45 > 0:55:46Seven.
0:55:46 > 0:55:47LAUGHTER
0:55:47 > 0:55:49- Seven?- Seven, yeah.
0:55:49 > 0:55:51- Seven. That was pathetic. - Thinking back,
0:55:51 > 0:55:52I should have misspelled M3
0:55:52 > 0:55:55- in the tag line bit on the internet.- What, 3M?
0:55:55 > 0:55:58No, if I'd spelled it "Angelina Jolie topless",
0:55:58 > 0:56:02- I'd have got more hits than both of you, but I didn't.- Anyway,
0:56:02 > 0:56:06we then did an economy run, from Germany into Poland.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08Sadly there isn't time tonight to show you that.
0:56:08 > 0:56:12The upshot was, though, James ran out of petrol.
0:56:12 > 0:56:19- Therefore, you get minus 141. - Hang on.
0:56:19 > 0:56:23- What?- I've got minus exactly what I already had.- Yes.
0:56:23 > 0:56:27- That's the rules - it happened to him once.- It did.
0:56:27 > 0:56:31That is the rules. You're minus 141, so you're currently on...nought.
0:56:31 > 0:56:35Er... I get 10 for that, because I won
0:56:35 > 0:56:38in the Ford, thanks to its two-litre engine,
0:56:38 > 0:56:41and you get five for coming second.
0:56:41 > 0:56:42Which means,
0:56:42 > 0:56:45we have just one final challenge, something to do with price -
0:56:45 > 0:56:46I have it here.
0:56:46 > 0:56:49So it's a two-horse race. Either you or me will win.
0:56:49 > 0:56:51- He's out.- Absolutely.
0:56:51 > 0:56:55- He is completely out. He's on nought.- OK.- So, here we go.
0:56:55 > 0:56:58You get one point for every pound
0:56:58 > 0:57:01your car was under the £5,000 budget.
0:57:01 > 0:57:07So, hang on, mine cost £3,990, so I get 1,010 points there!
0:57:07 > 0:57:09Look at that.
0:57:09 > 0:57:10I like that. Go on then,
0:57:10 > 0:57:16- how much did yours cost?- 4,999. - So you get one point!
0:57:16 > 0:57:18Which means, clearly, I win that!
0:57:18 > 0:57:20- Thank you very much.- I may as well have just bought a toy car.
0:57:20 > 0:57:23I was going to get the prize. I would have got...
0:57:23 > 0:57:26Those are the rules, and I win! Thank you!
0:57:26 > 0:57:29Delighted. And rightly so. CHEERING
0:57:29 > 0:57:31No!
0:57:31 > 0:57:33I'm sorry.
0:57:33 > 0:57:35I'm sorry.
0:57:35 > 0:57:39If I may just take that from you and ask you to stand to one side,
0:57:39 > 0:57:43because my car was £2,990,
0:57:43 > 0:57:48meaning I have 2,010 points straightaway there, which I think
0:57:48 > 0:57:51you will find makes me...
0:57:51 > 0:57:52the winner.
0:57:52 > 0:57:55CHEERING
0:57:55 > 0:57:57That's just silly.
0:57:57 > 0:58:00That's just ridiculous.
0:58:02 > 0:58:05Oi! Are we honestly going to say,
0:58:05 > 0:58:08on the world's biggest motoring show,
0:58:08 > 0:58:11to 350 million people, that the best track day car
0:58:11 > 0:58:14is a slow, rusty,
0:58:14 > 0:58:16wobbly wheeled,
0:58:16 > 0:58:20small, uneconomical piece of junk?
0:58:20 > 0:58:23Yes. And on that bombshell, it's time to say good night.
0:58:23 > 0:58:25Oh, this is just ridiculous!
0:58:40 > 0:58:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:43 > 0:58:46E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk