0:00:11 > 0:00:15Tonight, Richard drives a muscle car,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18I wear some unusual trousers
0:00:18 > 0:00:21and there's a wizard in our reasonably priced car.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello, thank you so much. Thank you, everybody.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Thank you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Now, in the past, if you were a successful businessman
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and you wanted a large four-door saloon car,
0:00:40 > 0:00:44you had a choice of Mercedes-Benz, BMW or Audi.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49Now, though, you could have an Aston Martin or a Maserati or a Porsche.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51And that should, at least,
0:00:51 > 0:00:55make the world's financial districts sound a lot better.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16These are the cars in question and it's our job to decide which is best...
0:01:18 > 0:01:23The 4.7 litre Maserati Quattroporte GTS,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27the six-litre Aston Martin Rapide
0:01:27 > 0:01:32or the extremely ugly Porsche Panamera Turbo.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36This isn't just hideous compared to the other two -
0:01:36 > 0:01:39it's hideous compared to a...genital wart.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44By contrast, looks is where the Aston gets off to a flying start,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47cos it doesn't really look like a saloon at all.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51More like a DB9 that's... taken a bit of Viagra.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55In fact, you have to stare at it for a while before you can see it's got
0:01:55 > 0:01:57four doors at all.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01The Quattroporte has now been with us for six years
0:02:01 > 0:02:05but if anything, over that time, I think it's got even better looking.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Ooh, it has.- You're not joking.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10When this first came out, I thought it looked like a Vauxhall Cresta.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15- Yes, you did.- But now, it's just spectacularly well balanced.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18It's just cool, though, as well, isn't it?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21When you see someone getting out of these, passers by go...
0:02:21 > 0:02:23It is like a Mafia hit man.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- I like these.- Oh, those are... - They work for me.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28When you sum up the looks of these,
0:02:28 > 0:02:33you've got the ballet dancer, the hit man and someone who's been...
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Found at the bottom of a lake after two weeks.- Yes.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37And this is the man who threw him in there.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Having examined the outside of the cars,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45we thought we'd take a look at the inside,
0:02:45 > 0:02:46where there were some issues.
0:02:46 > 0:02:52In the Aston Martin, you need fingers like cocktail sticks to operate any of the buttons.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57And in the Porsche, you need to be a rocket scientist to understand anything.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01But worst of all is the Quattroporte.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04This is always going to be a bit of a problem for a small car maker because...
0:03:04 > 0:03:09Well, Mercedes-Benz, they've probably got 1,000 people employed just to decide
0:03:09 > 0:03:11where the buttons go on the satnav, but with the Maserati,
0:03:11 > 0:03:15you get the feeling a man turns up on Tuesday and goes,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"Here is OK."
0:03:17 > 0:03:23That's why it's blindingly difficult to operate everything in here, as we shall now demonstrate.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Chaps, give me a straightforward task.- I'll give you a task.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- Adjust the clock.- OK.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37While James is doing that, Hammond and I have noticed that we've got these straps here.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40These are fitted for you to be handcuffed to.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45"Don't take me to the warehouse. I can't find the money!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- "Please!"- "Just tell me where my children are."
0:03:47 > 0:03:51- Ah, ah, ah!- "Set time and date." Go on, then.- Right, right.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Manual? Semi-automatic?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Oh, these are the weapons.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58THEY CHUCKLE
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I'm quite good at this sort of thing but that's rubbish.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05At this point, we decided to take a typical businessman's drive
0:04:05 > 0:04:10from here in central London to a business park in Hampshire.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I wanted to drive the Maserati.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Toodle-oo.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Well, I'm not driving the Porsche. I'm just not.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23'Unfortunately, while I was telling Jeremy I wouldn't drive the Porsche...
0:04:24 > 0:04:27'..James drove off in the Aston.'
0:04:28 > 0:04:33Oh God. Why did I have to get stuck with this?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I grabbed the Aston, expecting perfection.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39But I didn't quite find it.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41You pay 91,000 for the Maserati,
0:04:41 > 0:04:4397,000 for the Porsche
0:04:43 > 0:04:46and then 140,000 for this.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50But I'm not exactly sure why.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54For that sort of money, this thing has to be absolutely brilliant
0:04:54 > 0:04:56but I'm not entirely convinced it is.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58It's a bit jiggly.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59I know it's a sort of supercar,
0:04:59 > 0:05:03but it's supposed to be luxurious and comfortable as well.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09When it comes to criticism, though, you should have heard Mr Grumble-Trousers.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12It's sort of massive for one thing -
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I'm scared I might knock over a building.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Oh God.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19It's got a stop-start,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23so the engine stops when you stop and starts when you hit the pedal to move away.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25What's...? To save petrol.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28In a 4.7 litre V8 turbo.
0:05:28 > 0:05:33That's like buying Buckingham Palace, then living in the kitchen to save wearing the carpets out.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Then there's the pricing.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41Yes, at £97,000, this does look like good value against the Aston Martin.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46Then you discover you have to pay extra for things like the rear windscreen wiper.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51Don't be tight. 97 grand - chuck in a windscreen wiper, eh?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- Hammond.- Yep? - I don't like looking at your car.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59It's the only thing that brightens my day knowing you have got to look at it and I haven't.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03No, there's its reflection! God, it's hideous.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Up ahead, there was a chance for the Porsche to redeem itself.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Ooh, hello. Tunnel.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15There it is. Sport.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20No noise at all.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24On a 4.7 litre V8, and...
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I can't hear anything.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30'The Aston put on a better show.'
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Not bad.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34'But then came the Maserati.'
0:06:34 > 0:06:38What I'm going to do now is push the sport button.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40ENGINE REVS LOUDLY
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Oh, my God! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
0:06:44 > 0:06:50What this button does is it turns carbon dioxide into noise.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55'However, like the other two, I had complaints.'
0:06:55 > 0:06:59The sports noise - that's good.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04The trouble is they've also fitted it with sports suspension and that's not good.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09If you can afford £100,000 to spend on a car,
0:07:09 > 0:07:14chances are you're a bit old, and old people don't want to drive along like this.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15That's not comfy.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17'And there was more.'
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I honestly thought James was being stupid, but he isn't.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I can't fathom anything out.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27There are buttons I've just found on the back of the steering wheel -
0:07:27 > 0:07:30six of them. No idea what they do.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39'On the uneventful one-hour cruise to the business park...'
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- HE SNIGGERS - Do I care that I don't know what the buttons do? No.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47'..I worked out a way to describe
0:07:47 > 0:07:51'the unhinged but bewitching Quattroporte.'
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Owning this car is like owning a two-year-old child.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58It's really annoying for a lot of the time but if someone tried to take it away from you...
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- You'd kill them.- You'd kill!
0:08:00 > 0:08:05'Then, since the park was closed, we decided to turn it into a race track.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12'And in the Maserati, Hammond quickly got what I was on about.'
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Oh, my word!
0:08:21 > 0:08:26This is a four-door saloon car but it sounds utterly magnificent.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27It's just got so much style.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I don't care what the flaws are -
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I don't care if it picks its nose and farts in bed - I love this thing.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38It's got such a sense of fun about it. That is the whole point.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Even if you're trying to keep that lid down.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46'Mind you, the Aston wasn't bad either.'
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Do you know what this is? I'll tell you exactly what this is.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52It is exciting.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57There's a subtle, refined rage to this car.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05It is not as sharp as a Vantage or DB9 or DBS,
0:09:05 > 0:09:11but as a four-door saloon car, it's spectacular.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15'Here on the business park raceway,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19'even the four-wheel drive Elephant Man is making a case for itself.'
0:09:19 > 0:09:22God above! This thing's great.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It feels big, but whoo!
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Staggering.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I'm just amazed by this car.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Dynamically, it is as fabulous as it is gopping to look at.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46'Frankly, we could have fooled about all day in these cars,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49'but we decided to induce a bit of science by laying out a course
0:09:49 > 0:09:52'and then summoning the head of accounts.'
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- Is he ready?- Yes, believe so. Of course he is - he's the Stig.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Three, two, one, go.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- They sold 1,000...- Ssh!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16What were you going to say?
0:10:16 > 0:10:20I was going to say that they sold 1,000 of those Maseratis over a five-year period
0:10:20 > 0:10:25- but over the save same five years, they sold nearly 15,000 Mercedes S Classes.- He's coming back!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34You know the Ferrari F438?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36What?!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41He got a bit squirrely there.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45I've had a crisis!
0:10:45 > 0:10:4635.8.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49'With the Maserati's time on the board...'
0:10:51 > 0:10:53'..the Stig lined up the Aston.'
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Three, two, one, and go.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I'm very angry!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09But why is it so expensive?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- I think they're charging 140,000 cos they can.- Yeah.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Ooh! He is brave. Isn't he brave?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29OK, the Aston Martin Rapide.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32There's your Maserati, 35.81.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Rapide...
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- 35.25.- Ooh!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39So 50 grand and you go
0:11:39 > 0:11:430.6 of a second faster round Farnborough business park.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48- It is an important piece of consumer advice.- I'd spend an extra 50 grand for that.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Right. It's time now...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52for the Porsche.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Three, two, one, go.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Has it gone?
0:12:00 > 0:12:04You two haven't given it the full beans yet, have you?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05- No.- It's absolutely astonishing.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- I have to say, I like the look of it now.- You can't...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17No, it's behind that building.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- It's back!- I've got to look.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Right.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41The Porsche did it in...
0:12:41 > 0:12:4535.1, which is only a tenth of a second faster,
0:12:45 > 0:12:49but nevertheless, that thing, I think, is astonishingly fast.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53It is. That's all very well, but which would you rather walk out to in the morning?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56The Maserati or the Aston that'll make your trousers go all hot,
0:12:56 > 0:13:01or the Porsche - they do! - which makes a bit of sick come into your mouth when you see it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Which would you rather have? That's the thing.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Nobody's watching.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Nobody is actually in there, are they?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12You've all come along and you...
0:13:12 > 0:13:16The World Cup is on BBC One and ITV. How many people do you think are watching?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20We could just talk in a high-pitched squeak. Eek, eek! It's just us.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- Why don't you get naked? Go on. - LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- Anyway, I have a theory about those cars.- Oh, God!- Joy(!)
0:13:26 > 0:13:28It's one of my better theories, this is.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31If I were a businessman and I were invited to go and do business
0:13:31 > 0:13:34on a business park in Hampshire, I'd use Skype.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Not go, yeah.- I wouldn't go,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39but if I had an Aston, a Maserati or even the Porsche,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- I would drive down there because they make...- Your day more special?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45They make driving more special. For that reason alone,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I like them more than the established BMs and Mercs and Audis.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52We haven't finished with them yet - there'll be more testing later,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- sort of, but for now it's the news. - Yes, it is,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58and talking about the Porsche Panamera,
0:13:58 > 0:14:03- you would think, would you not, that it's impossible to make that car any uglier.- Yes.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06The ugliest thing in the world. Well, it is.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10There's a Swiss company called Mansory and here is their creation.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13It actually is uglier, isn't it?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I'm going to be sick.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16That is... How much is it?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20£133,000, they want for that monstrosity!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I like the interior best of all. Have a look.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26It's like the set of a children's television programme.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28All it needs is a ball pit down here,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31and then they've pretty much got it finished.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Anyone go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed last weekend? Several.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I wasn't able to make it, but I'm told they had a moving motor show there.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42The idea was, unlike a normal motor show, where the cars just sit still,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44you can jump in and have a go,
0:14:44 > 0:14:48which sounds like a great idea, unless you're one of the four people who were run over.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Seriously! I've got a picture here. Somebody got in a Honda Civic.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Is there any danger that these Goodwood people might take over the Farnborough Air Show?
0:15:00 > 0:15:04"Next seven for a go in the Red Arrows. Come on."
0:15:04 > 0:15:09"Welcome to the Goodwood interactive zoo. Now, who wants to do lion taming?" It doesn't work.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11The Goodwood Festival of Live Ammunition.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14"Are there actual bullets in these guns? Is there a range?!"
0:15:14 > 0:15:16"No, just help yourself. That's fantastic!"
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Now, I'm going to tell you something very important.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23The European Union, which is a big thing in Belgium...
0:15:23 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:27It is! They've decided that all car makers
0:15:27 > 0:15:31must reach an average target for their whole range of car.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35So here's how it works, OK? If BMW sell a V12 limousine,
0:15:35 > 0:15:40they must then sell lots of little Diesel 1 Series cars
0:15:40 > 0:15:42to keep the average of the CO2 down.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44It's averaged across the range of cars?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Now, Bugatti, it's not so bad,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48because Bugatti's owned by Volkswagen,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52and Volkswagen also makes the Polo, so that's fine.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55But Aston Martin - bit of a problem,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58cos Aston Martin isn't owned by VW or Ford, it's on its own.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03- And they only make big cars.- Only big, thirsty cars. They've got to get that average down,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07so they've had to make a small car, OK? And we have a picture of it here. It's called the Cygnet.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10AUDIENCE GROAN This is potentially disastrous,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12because it risks ruining their reputation.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15What that is is a Toyota iQ with a leather gear knob
0:16:15 > 0:16:19and then Toyota crossed out and Aston Martin written in in crayon.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24- That's what that is.- Hang on a minute. If they just need to bring their average CO2 down,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27why don't they just buy a bicycle factory?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Or they should do Aston Martin flowers,
0:16:30 > 0:16:34cos they suck in CO2 and put out oxygen, and that would bring it crashing down!
0:16:34 > 0:16:39I think it has to be a mode of transport - you can't go to work on some flowers. A horse?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- Scissors.- Have you ever tried sitting on a pair of scissors?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- LAUGHTER - Not yet.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- A cow.- Ostriches. They're quite exotic.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- Another one I've just thought of is Zonda. What are Zonda going to do? - Oh, that'll be easy.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Well, they're Italian, aren't they?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58They'll just lie - that's what they'll do.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02"Emissions is very important! Is it low or high? Low? OK. My emissions is one!"
0:17:02 > 0:17:04And that's it. They'll just lie.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Well, why don't Aston Martin just...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Why not take a leaf out of the European book and say,
0:17:08 > 0:17:12"Yes, our cars don't really produce carbon dioxide at all."
0:17:12 > 0:17:16If you say... The EU go and inspect a Spanish fishing boat and go, "Have you been fishing?"
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- "No."- "What's all that in your boat?" "My lunch."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21"It's a lot of fish. Hungry!"
0:17:21 > 0:17:25This is the answer. Don't make that, Aston Martin. Just lie.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Right.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31Now, it is time to put a Formula 1 star in our old, reasonably priced car.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35My guest tonight is a Brazilian.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40Not the triangular topiary thing, obviously.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44It is a genuine Brazilian. Ladies and gentlemen, Rubens Barrichello!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Rubens!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- How're you?- Nice to see you.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- Rubens is among us.- Thank you.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Have a seat.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Have a seat!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I've got a question, if I may.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Why has your country given its name to...
0:18:07 > 0:18:08How can I put this?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10..triangular topiary?
0:18:10 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I think it's a term used in England,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16because in Brazil we call it "Hitlers".
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- A what? - LAUGHTER
0:18:19 > 0:18:20It's a little...
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- You're saying you'd have a Hitler? - A Hitler there.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Has anybody here got a Brazilian?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- You have, sir? Er... - LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- HE MUTTERS - Anyway...
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Obviously, it was Silverstone this afternoon. Well done for winning.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Thank you!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Nasty crash.- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Should've covered it there. I should explain it is now Wednesday,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45and we have no idea...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I'm just thinking - that will be... How many races is it
0:18:48 > 0:18:50you will have done by this evening, now?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- 297.- 297.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Is that a record now? Have you set the record for the most Grands Prix?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Yeah. When I raced for the first time,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I never thought I would race for such a long period,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04but I'm enjoying more than I used to.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Cos you must now be, what, 78?- Yeah!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Anyway, you're now driving for one of the great teams, Williams.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Well, I tell you, it's...
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Since a very young kid, when I was driving go-karts,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I have interviews when people ask me,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"Which team would you like to drive?", and it was for Williams.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- Why was that? - I don't know. I just had a great passion for Frank Williams,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27and you can see it nowadays -
0:19:27 > 0:19:30he is so passionate about everything,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33and I'm trying to lead the team to a different area.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37They are changing, and I think the future is quite bright.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40So, um, Ferrari - just to go there, obviously.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44You had that period where you were there with His Schumacherness.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46You must have known when you got there
0:19:46 > 0:19:49that you were going to be, effectively, the whipping boy.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- I did not.- Really? You didn't...
0:19:51 > 0:19:54That's the funny bit, because people say,
0:19:54 > 0:19:59"Shut up, Rubens. You knew you were going to play second in the team."
0:19:59 > 0:20:02And when I signed, I made sure to ask,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05"Is it everything to him or am I going to have a chance?"
0:20:05 > 0:20:09And in my contract it was zero. There was no mentioning
0:20:09 > 0:20:11of becoming a second driver there.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15So you were very surprised... It was Austria, where you were winning, he was behind you,
0:20:15 > 0:20:20and then the call came through... "Would you mind awfully getting out of his way?"
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- Was that a big surprise? - It was almost like that.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25People ask me, "Why did he do on the last corner?"
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Because in my mind, I was never going to do it.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33It was eight laps. You know, it was almost like the lawyer was sitting here
0:20:33 > 0:20:38- and people, you know, there was a discussion going on. - Back at the pit?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- Yeah. And I could only say, "No, I'm not going to do it." - Did you actually say that?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I said, "I'm not going to do it," until the very final bit
0:20:46 > 0:20:49when they were a bit more focused on saying something that I...
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Did they say, "We've got one of your pets here. NOW will you move over
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- "and let him go by?" - It was almost like that, yeah.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Anyway, of course, you came down here
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- because we have our Formula 1 board here, yes?- Yes.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05And you wanted to see where you'd come in our old reasonably-priced car,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08the old Liana, which has been gathering dust somewhere.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- Was it fun?- It was fun.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- Really?- Yeah, it was.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Cos you think, you know, I drive this car
0:21:14 > 0:21:19with so much power and everything, but it's a different challenge.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23I mean, when you step on the brakes, that back end, you know...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- So smoothness is what... - Keep it quite smooth.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Well, I think the time has come. - I hope it was a good one.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Well, shall we find out? Who wants to see the lap?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- AUDIENCE: Yes! - OK, let's play the tape.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38It's nice to see the old girl back.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Now, concentrate.- Remember that I drive normally on that side.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Well, that's your fault for driving on the wrong side of the road.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52That's the Stig's line through there.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55All the other F1 drivers come way further out.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Well, he talked me into that. I thought it was...
0:21:58 > 0:22:01You see? "Come on, horse."
0:22:01 > 0:22:03It's not a horse, but there we are.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07What can I say? I'm not going to say, "Oh, that's not very good," am I?
0:22:07 > 0:22:12- Very good down to the Hammerhead. - This is a difficult part.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15It is. It normally makes the car understeer there, but you've got it.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18How come you can do that and all our guests just can't?
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- RUBENS CHUCKLES - I suppose that's cos they're mostly actors or comedians.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Wave to the camera?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26HE GROANS
0:22:26 > 0:22:29The gear! The gear just went "grr".
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Well, it must be strange for you to actually have to change...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34When was the last time you changed gear?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37You know what, I started Formula 1 and it was already the automatic.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Yeah. And I bet your road car has... What's your road car?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43My road... I have a...
0:22:43 > 0:22:45An M5.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Flappy pedal. So you haven't changed gear for...
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Ooh! Look at that. Lovely through the second to last.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55- And here we are now. - What's the time? Give me the time!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- APPLAUSE - There we are - crossed the line.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07So we've got the Stig at 1:44.4.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Mansell 1:44.6,
0:23:08 > 0:23:13and then Lewis did that with a wet lap at 1:44.7,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- which was fairly remarkable. - Impressive.- Then Mark.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19He flew around, actually. Just decided not to bother.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21So where do you reckon?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I don't know. My heart is beating more than
0:23:24 > 0:23:27at the start of the Silverstone GP, I tell you.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30This is obviously a more popular show.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- I have the time here.- OK.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Rubens Barichello...
0:23:38 > 0:23:40You did it in...
0:23:40 > 0:23:41One minute...
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Well, that's really...
0:23:44 > 0:23:49- ..forty...- I'm on the page, then. - You're on the page!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- ..four...- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- ..point...- Point?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- ..three! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- 44.3!- Wow!
0:24:01 > 0:24:05The fastest man ever to go round our track!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Fantastic!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Unbelievable.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11- Wow!- That is fantastic.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I am so proud.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17It's fantastic and it's also staggering
0:24:17 > 0:24:20that you should have beaten him.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24We need to get you out of this building in some careful way now.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28- Yeah.- I can't imagine he's going to be very pleased about this.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Especially cos if we get into a fight, he never takes his helmet off!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35There you go. You've finally won something today.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:42You'll take a piece of that. It was good 11 wins.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45There we are. That is a truly staggering thing.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I will ask for more money from Frank now.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52You can now say, "I am the fastest Formula 1 driver in the world,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"and more than that, I'm faster than the Stig."
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Fantastic.- Ladies and gentlemen, Rubens Barrichello.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Now...
0:25:12 > 0:25:15There are a couple of new muscle cars out
0:25:15 > 0:25:18that we thought were worth a look at.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21And clearly the right man for the job is someone who has owned
0:25:21 > 0:25:26a Dodge Charger and a Ford Mustang and a banjo.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Yep, it's our resident redneck, the Duke of Hammond.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36This is the first of today's offerings.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43A muscle car icon, reborn.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45The Chevrolet Camaro.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Jeremy has a theory about the Camaro.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52He believes that all Camaros are driven by murderers,
0:25:52 > 0:25:56and you should never accept a lift in one cos your head'll end up swinging
0:25:56 > 0:25:58in the rear-view mirror as an air freshener.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03The thing is, there's a bit more to this Camaro than that.
0:26:04 > 0:26:10Now if you're under 12, then to you, this car is Bumblebee from the Transformers movies.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14In a minute, it's going to stand up and throw an oil tanker at my face.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18But back in the '60s, its grandfather was fighting the Cold War.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24Not the big scary one with the Russians, but the Detroit Cold War.
0:26:24 > 0:26:30In 1964, Ford had launched the most famous muscle car of all, the Mustang.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34And two years later, GM struck back.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Camaro! Fiery new creation from Chevrolet!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45It was one hell of a battle.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46And the Camaro...
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Well, it lost, actually.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Quite badly.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55In its first full year, Ford sold over half a million Mustangs.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57In its first full year with the Camaro,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00GM didn't manage even half of that.
0:27:00 > 0:27:06The other muscle cars - Mustangs, Chargers - they went on to starring roles in Bullitt.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11The Camaro did once have quite a nice role in an episode of Lovejoy.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18But this new boy is coming back fighting.
0:27:18 > 0:27:24This is the SS version - the most powerful - with a 6.2 litre V8.
0:27:24 > 0:27:29And at £40,000, it is a lot of car for the money.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34It also looks good
0:27:34 > 0:27:37and unlike other muscle cars,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40the suspension isn't made from lampposts and logs.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Because underneath the Camaro
0:27:47 > 0:27:52is the chassis from one our very favouritest saloon cars, the Vauxhall VXR8.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54It's made by the Australians.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Which means there's a lot of multi-link cleverness going on.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10So basically, the Americans had to go to the Australians for a bit of sophistication.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15That feels more like it!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17A good effort all round and on any other day,
0:28:17 > 0:28:21the Camaro could claim to be the muscle car of the moment.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28However, it must now face this -
0:28:28 > 0:28:32a muscle car, not from America...
0:28:33 > 0:28:38..the very German Mercedes E63 AMG.
0:28:42 > 0:28:43Listen to that!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45ENGINE ROARS
0:28:45 > 0:28:47It's the AMG dawn chorus.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52It might look like a businessman's express,
0:28:52 > 0:28:58but when it comes to noise, the Benz it blows the Camaro out of the water.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02This thing sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd at a bullfight.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08And when you take it beyond 5,000rpm...
0:29:12 > 0:29:14Ah-ha!
0:29:14 > 0:29:19Although the Mercedes, like the Camaro, has a 6.2 litre V8,
0:29:19 > 0:29:22it's faster and more powerful.
0:29:29 > 0:29:320-60, 4.5 seconds.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36Top speed, normally limited to 155mph.
0:29:36 > 0:29:43Or for £2,230, you can have the limit raised to 186...
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:29:45 > 0:29:49..almost 40 more than the Camaro will do.
0:29:58 > 0:30:03There are, however, a couple of chinks in the AMG's armour.
0:30:03 > 0:30:09Where the Camaro costs £40,000, this is 72,000.
0:30:11 > 0:30:16A muscle car should also be a car for simpletons, like me,
0:30:16 > 0:30:19but there are more gizmos in here than Bill Gates's kitchen.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23The gearbox, for example, can be operated from here or down here,
0:30:23 > 0:30:25and then this dial splits it into four different modes -
0:30:25 > 0:30:28comfort, sport, sport plus and so on.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32This button adjusts the traction control, lots of settings there.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35This button is for the ride, lots of different settings.
0:30:35 > 0:30:41And that's a lot to think about if you're the kind of person who goes to work in a vest.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47Thankfully, help is at hand.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50It's this the fourth button here, the AMG button.
0:30:50 > 0:30:55Essentially, it takes all the other settings from all the other buttons and puts them in a thing,
0:30:55 > 0:31:00and then when you hit this button, it sets the car up exactly as you want it.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04I like mine like this.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16With the button in what I call redneck setting,
0:31:16 > 0:31:21the AMG can outslide, outturn and outrun any muscle car on the planet.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26I'm in a massive German executive saloon.
0:31:28 > 0:31:29Going sideways!
0:31:41 > 0:31:46The Mercedes may be almost twice the price of the Camaro...
0:31:51 > 0:31:55..but, the fact is, it's twice the car.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:09 > 0:32:11The thing is...
0:32:11 > 0:32:13The thing is I just...
0:32:13 > 0:32:18I just love muscle cars as a breed, because I love the idea you take an ordinary, basic car
0:32:18 > 0:32:23and then you keep adding more and more and more and more and more power until it's just about unusable,
0:32:23 > 0:32:27and then you put it on sale and people buy it.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30- And you'd have the Mercedes?- Nope.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32I know I said the Merc is twice the car.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35- I'd have the Camaro, it's just got much more soul.- It's a stupid car!
0:32:35 > 0:32:36It's a brilliant car...
0:32:36 > 0:32:39OK, things you'll never hear as somebody gets in.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43"I'd just like to thank the Nobel Academy and now I'm going home."
0:32:43 > 0:32:48Or how about this one? "No, really, let me, Your Majesty."
0:32:48 > 0:32:50There's nobody intelligent...
0:32:50 > 0:32:54"Bishop Tutu, can I have a go? Thank you, I will."
0:32:54 > 0:32:59- It is a car for a type of person, I love it!- It's a stupid, childish...
0:32:59 > 0:33:02I'll tell you what, though, no, one interesting thing.
0:33:02 > 0:33:07When this thing goes on sale next year in Britain, it will make the job of the police much easier.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Let's pull these over and go, "Open the boot...whose head's this?"
0:33:12 > 0:33:16But nevertheless, we must find out how fast these cars go round our track,
0:33:16 > 0:33:20and that of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
0:33:20 > 0:33:25Some say that if you hold him in the wrong way,
0:33:25 > 0:33:26he doesn't work properly.
0:33:29 > 0:33:35And that, just very recently, he developed an irrational hatred of Rubens Barrichello.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40All we know is he's called the Stig.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43And they're off,
0:33:43 > 0:33:47and what a racket, the E63 drowning out the Chevy.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51You can, of course, get the fantastic AMG V8 in many Mercs,
0:33:51 > 0:33:54and, personally, I wouldn't have it in this one.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57It's just too ugly - and, in this, case slightly brown.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Round the first corner...
0:33:59 > 0:34:02There we are, vuvuzelas on all three channels now.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05Stig hopefully will get bored in the next week.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07The Camaro does have a certain distinctive presence,
0:34:07 > 0:34:11which is peace of mind for the murder squad.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15Up to the Hammerhead, both getting a little bit sideways,
0:34:15 > 0:34:17but only the Camaro fills the Stig
0:34:17 > 0:34:20with a sudden urge to murder his postman.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Actually, he did that in 2004.
0:34:25 > 0:34:31Follow-through and now, both... Yep, going through there nicely.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34And yep, kicking up dust through the tyres.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38Two corners remain, let's have a look.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Oh, the Camaro getting it very crossed up.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42The Merc is running away now, just Gambon left,
0:34:42 > 0:34:46and they are now through that and across the line.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48Right, now...I've got the times.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51Yes.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53These are the times.
0:34:53 > 0:35:00So the Mercedes did it in 1:24.9, which puts it there.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03That's unbelievable, that's the same as that Supersports Bentley.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05It is, yes, and the Camaro did it in...
0:35:05 > 0:35:121:27.9, which is just...keep going down, it's down there.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16So it's even slower than the pick-up truck of the car on which it's based?
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Yeah, yeah, it is that, yeah, but I'd still have this.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22It was probably weighed down by all the body parts in the boot.
0:35:22 > 0:35:26Anyway, it's now time to put another star in our reasonably priced car,
0:35:26 > 0:35:28though of course this time the brand-new one.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31Now, my guest tonight played a character in Harry Potter
0:35:31 > 0:35:34who, in olden times, would have been burned at the stake.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37Not for being a wizard but because he's ginger.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Grint!
0:35:39 > 0:35:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:35:42 > 0:35:44- How are you? - Yeah, good. Really good.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Rupert!
0:35:48 > 0:35:51Have a seat! Brilliant!
0:35:56 > 0:36:01Now, first of all, forgive me, why do gingers get so much stick?
0:36:02 > 0:36:05Says a man with pubic hair!
0:36:05 > 0:36:07Saying that, I didn't get much abuse at school.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11People used to call me Luke, actually...for Lucozade.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13- Oh, Lucozade. - Quite a clever nickname.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17Is there anyone here who thinks they might be ginger? What about you?
0:36:17 > 0:36:19- I'm not natural!- What, you dyed it ginger?!
0:36:19 > 0:36:22LAUGHTER
0:36:22 > 0:36:25- That's nice to hear, yeah! - That is the future right there.
0:36:25 > 0:36:30Obviously, we have to talk about Harry Potter, and you're probably fed up to the back teeth with it.
0:36:30 > 0:36:35Well, I don't know, it has been my whole life, basically, it's been 11 years.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38I've had children who've been growing up in that time,
0:36:38 > 0:36:42so I've spent a lot of my time reading them Harry Potter bedtime stories.
0:36:42 > 0:36:47What on earth is it about? I mean, really...
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Basically, we win in the end so...
0:36:49 > 0:36:52- Michael Gambon came here.- Yeah. - A bit older than you,
0:36:52 > 0:36:55and I did ask him, "Do you understand it?"
0:36:55 > 0:36:58And of course he was Dumbledore, and he said, "Well, sort of."
0:36:58 > 0:37:02But does he give the impression of knowing what he's doing on the set or...?
0:37:02 > 0:37:07The performance is ama... He does get a bit confused sometimes, I think.
0:37:07 > 0:37:13One question I had from my children, if you don't mind my asking, is do you fancy Emily Watson in real life?
0:37:14 > 0:37:19- Well...- No, don't do that face. That man just did that, "Mmm..."
0:37:19 > 0:37:21But do you actually fancy her in real life?
0:37:21 > 0:37:25Well, it's weird, because I actually had to kiss her in this last one,
0:37:25 > 0:37:28because our characters kind of get together.
0:37:28 > 0:37:29Yeah, yeah.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34And it's like a brother-sister kind of relationship we've got.
0:37:34 > 0:37:39- So you weren't nursing a semi. - Oh, my God!
0:37:45 > 0:37:49I wasn't, I wasn't, no.
0:37:49 > 0:37:53So what does the future hold, now that the big ten years of Potter is over?
0:37:53 > 0:37:57I don't know, it's weird to come out of something that you've been a part of for...
0:37:57 > 0:37:59most of your life.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01But I've done other films, kind of in between,
0:38:01 > 0:38:04and hopefully I can kind of continue doing that.
0:38:04 > 0:38:08One of the things that I was thinking... I've been reading up on you, before you came on,
0:38:08 > 0:38:14- is that you could work with cars, because they do seem to be a strong love for you.- Yeah.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17Because what you actually own is...
0:38:17 > 0:38:22let's think, a Range Rooney, an ice-cream van and a hovercraft.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Yeah.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27Let's start with the Range Rover, shall we? The Wayne Rover.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29- Yeah.- What colour's that?
0:38:29 > 0:38:31It's...orange, it's bright orange.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33LAUGHTER
0:38:33 > 0:38:37Yeah. It's ginger, it's basically a ginger car.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40So that works well or...?
0:38:40 > 0:38:43I didn't make that connection when I was picking the colour.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47I just thought it looked really cool. It's got black wheels, and it does look really cool.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49An orange Range Rover in black wheels?
0:38:49 > 0:38:51- Yeah!- Oh, dear, we're fighting a lost cause here with you.
0:38:51 > 0:38:58- And then obviously I have to ask, the hovercraft.- Yeah. - I am a huge fan of hovercrafts,
0:38:58 > 0:39:03- because they are the most fun you can have with an engine, I'm convinced.- Yeah, definitely.
0:39:03 > 0:39:07I was told the first time I ever went on one - and you must have experienced this -
0:39:07 > 0:39:12- if you actually see an obstacle, if you can see it, you will hit it.- Yeah.
0:39:12 > 0:39:18At some point between seeing it, and then it could be an hour or so, it doesn't matter what you do...
0:39:18 > 0:39:20They're amazing, you've got no control at all.
0:39:20 > 0:39:24- Have you ever actually hit anything? - Oh, yeah! I've hit a few things.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27And so are you a good driver?
0:39:27 > 0:39:30Well, I like to think so. I used to do a bit of karting when I was younger.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Did you now? So, competitive karting?
0:39:33 > 0:39:35Well, yeah, with my brother.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38So what did you think of our new reasonably priced car?
0:39:38 > 0:39:41I quite liked it. It was better than I thought.
0:39:41 > 0:39:46Yeah, because interestingly, and I'm actually not joking,
0:39:46 > 0:39:53we've had this from Kia, the makers of a reasonably priced car, to say that they're recalling the Cee'd.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56No way!
0:39:56 > 0:40:03They've identified that Cee'd models could suffer from insufficient brake force from the master cylinder.
0:40:03 > 0:40:08- So what they're actually saying there in long words is the brakes don't work.- No way!
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Did nobody tell you that?
0:40:10 > 0:40:11No, I didn't realise...
0:40:11 > 0:40:15Nobody from our production team told that that car's been recalled?
0:40:15 > 0:40:17No, I didn't realise that. It felt all right.
0:40:17 > 0:40:23No, apparently only 468 models have been affected, and we don't know that it's ours yet, it's possible.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25- Anyway, you didn't die! - I didn't die.
0:40:25 > 0:40:31- No, you made it, and who here would like to see Rupert's lap?- Yes!
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Let's have a look.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36There we go. Look at it!
0:40:36 > 0:40:38A symphony in brown.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41Come on, mmm!
0:40:41 > 0:40:44Looking determined.
0:40:44 > 0:40:50Not lost there, no, well done, you remembered to go left, that's important.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52- That's looking very neat and tidy. - Yeah?
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Well, neat and tidy is the key, really.
0:40:55 > 0:40:56Come on.
0:40:56 > 0:41:00No, it won't go any faster, that really is as fast as it goes.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03You see, this is the important thing - if you look slow,
0:41:03 > 0:41:09chances are you're going not as slowly as you think. Oh, no, a bit of a wobble into the Hammerhead.
0:41:09 > 0:41:10Do you stay in the lines?
0:41:10 > 0:41:13Yes, even more in the lines. It does understeer, this, did you notice?
0:41:13 > 0:41:17- It does, yeah, yeah, I was really shocked by that. - Oh, you see, you know...
0:41:17 > 0:41:22- Fourth...- Are you a man that prefers oversteer?
0:41:22 > 0:41:25I don't really understand oversteer.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Well, this car, when you turn the steering wheel, it sort of pushes on.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31Yeah.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Brake...now!
0:41:33 > 0:41:38Yes, that was a beautiful line through that, absolutely perfect.
0:41:38 > 0:41:39- That's understeer!- Right.
0:41:39 > 0:41:44- You almost turned right over, but there we are, look, across the line! - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:41:50 > 0:41:54Come on, youth, where do you think you are on that?
0:41:54 > 0:41:59Obviously not the wet ones, but 1:45.9 is Peter Jones, the fastest man.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02I don't think I got to the top but...
0:42:02 > 0:42:03Well, mmm...
0:42:03 > 0:42:07I shall just have a look on here and see if I can see where you came, hang on a minute.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Is this like being back at school?
0:42:09 > 0:42:11You got a B minus!
0:42:13 > 0:42:20So, Rupert Grint, you did it in...one minute, you'll be relieved to hear... 40...
0:42:23 > 0:42:265.5!
0:42:26 > 0:42:28Oh, yes!
0:42:28 > 0:42:35He's the fastest! He's the fastest!
0:42:35 > 0:42:41- The second time! The second time!- Wow.
0:42:41 > 0:42:45- It's just something in the air today. Because Rubens has gone and bust that one.- Yes, I saw!
0:42:45 > 0:42:47- And now you've bust that one. - Oh, that's good.
0:42:47 > 0:42:53We know that Peter Jones was quick in the old car, the tall Dragon man,
0:42:53 > 0:42:56so we thought, "Well, that time will take some beating."
0:42:56 > 0:42:59He has, by the way, just committed suicide.
0:42:59 > 0:43:02He honestly left the other day saying, "Well, no-one will beat that in a hurry!"
0:43:02 > 0:43:06And it's actually taken precisely two weeks for his time to be beaten.
0:43:06 > 0:43:09I don't think that's going to get knocked off for a while.
0:43:09 > 0:43:13- Wow, I'm impressed with that. - So thank you so much for coming, thank you for busting it.
0:43:13 > 0:43:17- Ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Grint. - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Right!
0:43:26 > 0:43:32Earlier on, we tested the new Aston Martin Rapide, which we liked, despite the price,
0:43:32 > 0:43:37the Porsche Panamera, which we liked, despite the hideous body,
0:43:37 > 0:43:43and the Maserati Quattroporte, which we liked, despite...pretty much everything, really.
0:43:43 > 0:43:48Now, though, it is time to see how good these are as four-door saloons.
0:43:54 > 0:44:00To do that, the producers said we must spend the day as chauffeurs.
0:44:00 > 0:44:03Guys? I know all about chauffeuring.
0:44:03 > 0:44:07- Go on.- You've got to wear a hat,
0:44:07 > 0:44:13and you have to remember, when you open the back door for a girl to get in, not to look up her skirt.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15Right.
0:44:16 > 0:44:19On the way, we changed into our suits, and then
0:44:19 > 0:44:23we arrived at a hotel to meet the people we'd be chauffeuring.
0:44:24 > 0:44:26OK. Where's your suit trousers?
0:44:26 > 0:44:29- I've lost them.- Lost them?
0:44:29 > 0:44:33- Honestly, I've searched the house top to bottom.- So we'll have, what do you reckon, one person each or...?
0:44:33 > 0:44:35I think it's probably a conference.
0:44:35 > 0:44:39We'll go to different places and it'll be who get to his place first.
0:44:39 > 0:44:44- Chauffeur race.- Exactly, different places, it's who gets there first.
0:44:44 > 0:44:45- What?- It's a wedding.
0:44:45 > 0:44:47What's a wedding?
0:44:47 > 0:44:50It's a wedding, we're doing a wedding, we're the car service for a wedding.
0:44:50 > 0:44:52Mate, you can't do a wedding in jeans.
0:44:52 > 0:44:56You can't, actually, that's going too far.
0:44:56 > 0:44:57I can mend this.
0:44:57 > 0:45:00- A real wedding?- Yes. - What, an actual wedding?
0:45:00 > 0:45:03Yes. We have to drive to the church, the reception.
0:45:03 > 0:45:07We are the drivers for the day to see how big the backs of these cars are.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09And I've got to mend my trousers.
0:45:09 > 0:45:13- Who is there at a wedding? A bride, a groom... - Bride, groom, vicar...
0:45:13 > 0:45:16Bride's mother, parents, they all have to go.
0:45:16 > 0:45:17The Maserati's the biggest.
0:45:17 > 0:45:19The bride should go in the Maserati.
0:45:19 > 0:45:24- The bride's the most important person at a wedding. - So put the bride in the...
0:45:24 > 0:45:28Put the bride in the Maserati. I should drive her, because I haven't driven the Maserati.
0:45:28 > 0:45:31You're welcome, I'm not driving a bride to her wedding, no way!
0:45:31 > 0:45:34Listen, everything we ever do is a disaster.
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Well, including what you're doing there.
0:45:36 > 0:45:42- They'll be black in a minute, trust me. So bride in the Maserati. - Yeah.- You drive that.- Yeah.
0:45:42 > 0:45:45Groom is going to want to go in the Aston.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47I'll take him in the Aston.
0:45:47 > 0:45:49I'll do the bride's mother in the Porsche.
0:45:49 > 0:45:53I wouldn't... Oh, I see!
0:45:53 > 0:45:57She'll be emotional, and I'm just what she needs on her daughter's wedding day.
0:45:57 > 0:46:00Hammond set off to get the groom,
0:46:00 > 0:46:04leaving me in a spot of bother with my new trousers.
0:46:04 > 0:46:06Oh, no.
0:46:06 > 0:46:08My legs have stuck together.
0:46:11 > 0:46:13I do apologise for this.
0:46:13 > 0:46:18Worse still, chauffeur duties had made James even more pedantic than usual.
0:46:18 > 0:46:21Because I want my Maserati here for the bride, I think it's more grand.
0:46:21 > 0:46:25- Yes, you go and get your Maserati. - Can you move out of the way, then? - Yep.
0:46:25 > 0:46:29But hang on, I can't do this until you've gone, otherwise it's in the way.
0:46:29 > 0:46:34- What?- I can't put the Maserati there before you've gone, or they'd have to walk round it. That's not right.
0:46:34 > 0:46:35What are you talking about?
0:46:35 > 0:46:40- I can't put the Maserati in position until you've left with the bride's mother.- Why?
0:46:40 > 0:46:42Otherwise she'll come out and get in the Maserati...
0:46:42 > 0:46:45She won't, because we'll say, "Don't get in the Maserati."
0:46:45 > 0:46:48Then she has to walk around it, and it's not right, trust me.
0:46:48 > 0:46:51Meanwhile, I'd arrived at the groom's house.
0:46:51 > 0:46:53This is it.
0:46:53 > 0:46:58But having never chauffeured before, I didn't know whether to get him or wait in the car.
0:46:58 > 0:47:00He wants to get ready, take his time.
0:47:00 > 0:47:01I'll, erm...
0:47:01 > 0:47:03I'll hover here.
0:47:08 > 0:47:11You've got half an hour to get there, you've got to be...
0:47:11 > 0:47:14- I've got to be late, yes.- Yes, but a tiny bit late, not your usual late.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16No, no, I understand the difference.
0:47:16 > 0:47:23Whilst James was still deciding where to put his car, the wedding party emerged.
0:47:23 > 0:47:26I was going to back it up and do it properly.
0:47:26 > 0:47:30- Do you want to go in and come out while I back it up?- James, will you concentrate on your job?
0:47:30 > 0:47:34- This way, please.- Don't look up her skirt, don't look up her skirt.
0:47:37 > 0:47:43No, no, no! I'm in! Thank you for averting your gaze.
0:47:43 > 0:47:47- Come on.- Where is he?
0:47:47 > 0:47:49Oh, you're already in! Sorry!
0:47:49 > 0:47:50He's already in.
0:47:51 > 0:47:52Good afternoon, everyone.
0:47:52 > 0:47:54Oh, good afternoon.
0:47:54 > 0:47:56I'm James, I shall be your driver.
0:47:56 > 0:48:01This is the Maserati Quattroporte. Not the original model, which had a slightly ropey gearbox.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04This is the GTS, much improved, as you shall see.
0:48:04 > 0:48:06The key's stuck.
0:48:08 > 0:48:12Jeremy, meanwhile, was being his usual charming self.
0:48:12 > 0:48:17If I've got whiffy pits, I apologise, but it is from wearing slightly hot trousers.
0:48:27 > 0:48:32- Come on, we're late, we're late! - That's the groom, that's the groom. He is the groom.
0:48:32 > 0:48:36- You're Steve?- Yeah. - Hi, Steve. Sorry, mate, sorry.
0:48:36 > 0:48:38And you're Sam, the best man?
0:48:38 > 0:48:39- Hiya.- Hi, nice to see you.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46- Are we not going right to the church? - Yeah, you...
0:48:46 > 0:48:49As we are a bit early, and obviously you don't want to arrive early,
0:48:49 > 0:48:52I thought we'd take a slightly longer route, slightly scenic,
0:48:52 > 0:48:57so that you can arrive at an appropriate time and also enjoy the car a little bit on the journey.
0:48:57 > 0:49:01Unfortunately, the bride's father had never seen Top Gear.
0:49:01 > 0:49:04That sounds really good, yeah.
0:49:04 > 0:49:09Still, at least James was driving sensibly.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Sport, sport plus.
0:49:13 > 0:49:15I WILL get you to the church on time.
0:49:15 > 0:49:20As it turned out, my passengers loved fast driving.
0:49:20 > 0:49:21Wow!
0:49:23 > 0:49:26So a marriage, whoo!
0:49:26 > 0:49:28- It's a big 'un.- It's the big day.
0:49:28 > 0:49:30Think what you're taking on, man.
0:49:30 > 0:49:32- Life changes today.- Today.
0:49:32 > 0:49:34- Yeah.- For real.
0:49:34 > 0:49:35It's amazing, isn't it, marriage?
0:49:35 > 0:49:39You have the big day, the big celebration, it's all exciting,
0:49:39 > 0:49:43and then one day it just settles down into the norm,
0:49:43 > 0:49:46day to day,
0:49:46 > 0:49:51just every day...after day...after day...
0:49:54 > 0:49:58You'll never get it to sound like this. It's to do with the crank angle and cylinders.
0:49:58 > 0:50:03I never thought I'd be learning about crank angles on the way to my wedding.
0:50:03 > 0:50:07Sorry, I think I've taken the wrong exit off that roundabout. Hang on a minute.
0:50:07 > 0:50:10I guess we're going to check out the road holding or...
0:50:10 > 0:50:15No, no, this isn't a test, I'm just... Because I've done this loop, I'm not absolutely sure...
0:50:15 > 0:50:18It must be the next one.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24- You're not getting nervous now, are you?- I am now.
0:50:24 > 0:50:25I was feeling pretty relaxed but...
0:50:25 > 0:50:28I'll help you with some music.
0:50:28 > 0:50:31There you go... Oh, look, it's not as easy as I'd hoped.
0:50:34 > 0:50:37We really have to get a move on.
0:50:37 > 0:50:41Yeah, but I just want to find out, can I drive the iPod from the stereo?
0:50:41 > 0:50:46Oh, this is the most complicated thing I've ever tried to do. Oh, no, that's just impossible.
0:50:46 > 0:50:48Hang on, I think I've got it.
0:50:49 > 0:50:52# I'm not in love
0:50:52 > 0:50:55# So don't forget it
0:50:55 > 0:50:58# It's just a silly phase... #
0:50:58 > 0:51:01Here we go! Power!
0:51:03 > 0:51:06In the back, Jenson and Lewis wanted even more from the Porsche.
0:51:06 > 0:51:09- Can't we go somewhere we can go really fast?- Yeah.
0:51:09 > 0:51:13- I have to say...- Up to the airfield? - Oh, is there an airfield near here?
0:51:13 > 0:51:17Yeah! Pull in there, do a circuit, and then we don't mind being late.
0:51:17 > 0:51:19Is she a calm bride?
0:51:19 > 0:51:21She's been SO calm.
0:51:21 > 0:51:27Because James May can drive somebody to the edge of reason after three minutes.
0:51:28 > 0:51:32I'll turn round in the garden centre. Sorry about that.
0:51:38 > 0:51:41As the clock struck one, I pulled up at the church.
0:51:41 > 0:51:46- I almost lost my dress then! - We made it, we made it, we made it.
0:51:50 > 0:51:54The bride's mother and chief bridesmaid seemed very happy with my chauffeuring skills.
0:51:54 > 0:51:57However, in Claire Rayner's car...
0:51:57 > 0:52:00# Whoo-hoo, no, baby, please don't go... #
0:52:00 > 0:52:04I mean it's like your life, it's for life!
0:52:04 > 0:52:06It is for life.
0:52:06 > 0:52:10Just stretching out in front of you.
0:52:10 > 0:52:12Forever.
0:52:12 > 0:52:14Just going on...and on.
0:52:18 > 0:52:22Amazingly, though, when Captain Cheerful eventually arrived,
0:52:22 > 0:52:25the groom was more bothered about my trousers.
0:52:25 > 0:52:29- What are you wearing?!- I'm fine, nothing to see here.
0:52:29 > 0:52:34More worryingly, there was nothing to see in terms of the bride either.
0:52:34 > 0:52:38The relations are starting to get angsty.
0:52:38 > 0:52:43I can just feel eyes burrowing into the back of my head.
0:52:49 > 0:52:51I did look at the map before I started off.
0:52:58 > 0:53:00Right, nearly there.
0:53:06 > 0:53:11- What hymns have you chosen? - The King Of Love My Shepherd Is.
0:53:11 > 0:53:14Very good.
0:53:14 > 0:53:17JAMES SINGS THE TUNE
0:53:18 > 0:53:20CHURCH BELLS RING
0:53:22 > 0:53:25Half one, half an hour late now for the wedding.
0:53:27 > 0:53:29- Look, there it is.- Hmm?
0:53:29 > 0:53:31The church was that way.
0:53:31 > 0:53:35- Are you sure it was that way? - Yes.- Yeah.
0:53:35 > 0:53:37Completely, 100% sure.
0:53:39 > 0:53:42We're now into something to two o'clock. We're now nearer two o'clock...
0:53:42 > 0:53:46We're nearer the next hour than the one when they were supposed to be getting married.
0:53:46 > 0:53:53This would have been your last car journey before you became a married woman, I hope it was a good one.
0:54:00 > 0:54:04That man, he is the most colossal...
0:54:04 > 0:54:07- Where have you been? - We took a slightly scenic route.
0:54:07 > 0:54:10The wedding party hurried into the church.
0:54:10 > 0:54:17- Explain yourself.- What?- How come you've arrived 35 minutes late? - It's fashionable for the bride...
0:54:17 > 0:54:21Yeah, you've obviously made an impression, because they're all leaving.
0:54:21 > 0:54:26They're really happy to have had you driving, look at their cheery faces as they walk off dabbing their eyes.
0:54:26 > 0:54:28Did they like the Maserati?
0:54:28 > 0:54:31- Loved it!- Did they? - Yeah, absolutely.- Did you love it?
0:54:31 > 0:54:34- I love it, top five cars. - What do we do now?
0:54:34 > 0:54:36- Now we wait for them.- That's boring.
0:54:36 > 0:54:41Actually, no, I tell you what. The bride's mother told me on the way over there's an airfield near here.
0:54:41 > 0:54:45- So?- Well, is this a Catholic wedding or...?
0:54:45 > 0:54:48They'll be doing Dear Lord and Father of...
0:54:48 > 0:54:50- Drag race.- Bagsie go in this.
0:54:50 > 0:54:53- Drag race.- Drag race.
0:54:54 > 0:54:58So as the congregation began its first hymn...
0:54:58 > 0:55:00ENGINES ROAR
0:55:00 > 0:55:07..we headed off to the airfield and set up our drag race.
0:55:08 > 0:55:11I'm sure most wedding car drivers do this.
0:55:12 > 0:55:15I wonder if they've done the exhortations yet.
0:55:18 > 0:55:20Go!
0:55:25 > 0:55:26Yes!
0:55:28 > 0:55:31Look at this go!
0:55:31 > 0:55:3580, level-pegging with the Ast... Oh, no, I'm not.
0:55:36 > 0:55:40Maserati sitting in my door mirror here like an oil painting.
0:55:40 > 0:55:42Come on, come on!
0:55:46 > 0:55:52Even with James at the wheel, that Porsche easily won.
0:55:52 > 0:55:57Since the race was over so quickly, I decided there was time for another game.
0:55:57 > 0:56:03I bet I can do a longer powerslide in that than you two can in these.
0:56:03 > 0:56:04Good game?
0:56:04 > 0:56:07Come on, it's a beautiful day, we've got crash helmets on.
0:56:14 > 0:56:17The back's coming out nicely, and now bin it there!
0:56:20 > 0:56:22Too much grip.
0:56:22 > 0:56:25Our new game was excellent fun!
0:56:25 > 0:56:27BELLS RING
0:56:29 > 0:56:32TYRES SQUEAL
0:56:32 > 0:56:34That's a good one! What do you think of that, Hammond?
0:56:36 > 0:56:41And another championship-winning entry from Hammond in the Maserati. Yeah.
0:56:47 > 0:56:50Oh, yeah! Feeling sick but looking good!
0:56:52 > 0:56:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:57:00 > 0:57:06I know... I know a lot of you will have been looking at that and thinking it was all a set-up,
0:57:06 > 0:57:07they were actors.
0:57:07 > 0:57:11Well, it really wasn't, they really were a couple,
0:57:11 > 0:57:15they really did get married that day, and they really are here.
0:57:15 > 0:57:17Ladies and gentlemen, Steve and Ellie!
0:57:17 > 0:57:18APPLAUSE
0:57:18 > 0:57:22- Congratulations! - Sorry! Really sorry.
0:57:22 > 0:57:26Sorry we weren't there when you came out.
0:57:26 > 0:57:30Sorry about my mood on the day, it was inappropriate, as it turned out. We're sorry.
0:57:30 > 0:57:35By way of an apology and as a token of our appreciation, we've brought
0:57:35 > 0:57:40you this memento so you can remember the day every time you have a dump.
0:57:40 > 0:57:42LAUGHTER Congratulations!
0:57:44 > 0:57:48Congratulations. Thank you.
0:57:48 > 0:57:50Excellent, excellent.
0:57:50 > 0:57:54- We clubbed together to buy that, just so you know.- Ourselves. - Your eternal happiness.
0:57:54 > 0:57:58Anyway, it is now time for us to decide which of these cars is best.
0:57:58 > 0:58:02Quite easy for me, the Maserati is idiotic, OK?
0:58:02 > 0:58:07After five minutes it would drive you mad, and after five weeks it would fall to pieces.
0:58:07 > 0:58:10- But for me, by a country mile, it's the one I'd have.- Me too.
0:58:10 > 0:58:13Yeah, and me, by a long, long way.
0:58:13 > 0:58:15Yeah, so there we are, we all agree on something.
0:58:15 > 0:58:17The worst car is the best.
0:58:17 > 0:58:21And on both those bombshell, it's now time to end.
0:58:21 > 0:58:26Thank you for watching. Not that you were, because you were watching the football, but there we are.
0:58:26 > 0:58:28See you next week, though. Take care, good night!
0:58:28 > 0:58:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:58:32 > 0:58:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:35 > 0:58:38E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk