0:00:11 > 0:00:15Tonight, I wear a hat...
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Richard wears a hat...
0:00:18 > 0:00:21and James wears a hat.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Welcome. Thank you so much.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Now...
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Now, we start tonight with a letter.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46It's from a chap called Alan Massive Liar and it says,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49"Dear Jez, Dick and Jim,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51"I want a convertible supercar,
0:00:51 > 0:00:56"but I only have £113,500 to spend.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57"Can you help?"
0:00:57 > 0:01:00This is very timely, actually,
0:01:00 > 0:01:04because as it happens, no, we can't.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12This is the new Audi R8 V10 Spyder,
0:01:12 > 0:01:17which in this spec, costs £113,500.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24And this is the new Porsche 911 Turbo convertible,
0:01:24 > 0:01:30which, to all intents and purposes, costs £113,500.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35If it's speed you're after, the Audi looks like the better bet
0:01:35 > 0:01:38because it is much, much more powerful.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42But because the Porsche is so much lighter,
0:01:42 > 0:01:47they both produce exactly 306 brake horsepower per tonne.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51If they were supermarkets, you'd do them for price-fixing.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54There's more, too.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58They're both German, they're both four-wheel drive,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02and they both have hoods made from cloth, rather than metal.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06So let's see if they can be split in a drag race.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Right, some numbers.
0:02:09 > 0:02:16I have a Lamborghini 5.2 litre V10, and I'm up against
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Porsche's brand-new 3.8 litre,
0:02:18 > 0:02:23twin turbo-charged, direct-injected flat six.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26This should be interesting.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Three, two, one!
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Go!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34And indeed, it is interesting.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Ironman's heavyweight iron car
0:02:39 > 0:02:44is losing to the lightweight one with the iron lung.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51But now let's see what happens if we swap drivers and do the race again.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Go!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Oh, no!
0:02:57 > 0:03:01'Embarrassingly, this time round, the Audi was victorious.'
0:03:04 > 0:03:06The reason that happened is simple.
0:03:06 > 0:03:12Four-wheel-drive cars like these are notoriously difficult to get off the line quickly.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14If you do it well, you're going to win.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16If you do it badly, you're going to lose.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19So really, in short race like that, it's all down to the driver.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24The cars, predictably, almost exactly the same.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31They both do 0-60 in around four seconds.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38And flat out, they can both crack 190mph.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43So in a straight line, there's nothing to choose between them.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45But what about in the corners?
0:03:51 > 0:03:56Well, it's the same story here because they both have the same problem.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02You see, a normal car like this is strong,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05because the two ends are connected together
0:04:05 > 0:04:09by a roof and a floor - two pieces of metal.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11If you take the roof away,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13you end up with a big heavy engine here,
0:04:13 > 0:04:18connected to the steering and suspension gubbins there by just the floor.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22It's like having two bricks joined together by a playing card -
0:04:22 > 0:04:24it's going to be all wobbly.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30To get round the problem,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Audi has fitted the Spyder with lots of strengthening beams.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Now that sounds fine, but it's added 100kg to the weight.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Porsche meanwhile offers the turbo with active engine mounts,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50which make the engine part of the car's backbone.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53It sounds intriguing, but has it worked?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55In a word, yes.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05This is a million times better than the old 911 Turbo convertible.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Mind you, that isn't saying much,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13because other things that are a million times nicer than the old car
0:05:13 > 0:05:16include tuberculosis.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20And being on fire. Stuff like that.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26However, even though it is a big improvement,
0:05:26 > 0:05:30it is heavier than the coupe and despite everything...
0:05:32 > 0:05:34..it's still not as rigid.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38And just knowing that, it sort of spoils everything.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41So what about the Audi?
0:05:46 > 0:05:52The hard-top R8 V10 was one of the best cars I drove last year.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58And actually, in one important respect, this is even better.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59That noise.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00ENGINE ROARS
0:06:00 > 0:06:04With no roof, you can hear it even more clearly.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Oh! Ho-ho-ho-ho!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16The only sound I can think of which is better than that
0:06:16 > 0:06:20is the sound of Peter Mandelson being attacked by bears.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25With that noise going on,
0:06:25 > 0:06:30it's very hard to detect the shimmying and you really don't notice the extra weight.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Really, it's like driving a car that has chlamydia -
0:06:38 > 0:06:41there are no symptoms but you know it's there
0:06:41 > 0:06:45and that sort of... spoils the relationship a bit.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50On the track then, both are good,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53but you get the sense that neither is as good as it could be.
0:06:53 > 0:06:59So what about practical stuff, such as what big speed convertibles like these
0:06:59 > 0:07:01can do if you have big hair?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Now, ideally to demonstrate this, we need James May
0:07:07 > 0:07:08but sadly he's busy today,
0:07:08 > 0:07:12building a nuclear submarine out of Lego probably.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16So instead we've got someone who looks just like him...
0:07:16 > 0:07:19except for in every single detail.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22This is Lauren.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24She's spent all morning having her hair done,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28and now we're going to see how it's affected by driving the Audi.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- Was it, er, an expensive haircut? - Yeah.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42This is probably how you imagine things will be if you have a convertible supercar.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45The smell of the scenery, Groove Armada in the stereo,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48and a James May body double by your side.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54But the whole point of this car is speed and that changes everything.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59SHE SCREAMS
0:08:00 > 0:08:02140.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13In just two minutes,
0:08:13 > 0:08:18I've turned Lauren into a pop star from the 1980s.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22The Audi, then - not a good hairstylist.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Sadly, our attempts to see if the Porsche was any better ended prematurely.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- My eye!- Let me... - No, listen, a bee went in it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37No, the thing in my nose has a face!
0:08:39 > 0:08:40So there we are.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Set off for a weekend away with your wife in either of these cars
0:08:44 > 0:08:48and you'll arrive blind and with Bonnie Tyler in the passenger seat.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Naming a winner, then, between these two cars
0:08:51 > 0:08:54is not that easy because, frankly,
0:08:54 > 0:08:55they both lose.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57# Nothing I can say
0:08:57 > 0:09:02# A total eclipse of the heart. #
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Bonnie Tyler? I don't get it.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13So... I don't understand.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15So what you're saying is they both lose.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19They both lose, yes, because the R8, the hardtop, and the 911 hardtop,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21they're like poached halibut.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Halibut?- Halibut.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Now, if you put HP sauce on delicious poached halibut, you're going to ruin it.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31If you put HP sauce on a bacon sandwich,
0:09:31 > 0:09:32you're going to make it better.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- You are quite odd. You know that, don't you?- It does make sense.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Yeah, I think I know sort of what you're getting at.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43If you take the roof off an ordinary car like a Peugeot or a BMW 1 Series or something,
0:09:43 > 0:09:48- no harm done and if anything, you make it a bit better cos it's a bit of drama.- Quite.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- But with serious performance cars... - Halibut.- Whatever.- Yeah. - ..it's a different story.
0:09:52 > 0:09:57There are good reasons why there's never been a Eurofighter Typhoon Cabriolet.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Precisely. And having cleared that up,
0:10:01 > 0:10:03we must now find how fast these cars go round our track
0:10:03 > 0:10:07and that, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Some say that he's spent all week daydreaming
0:10:11 > 0:10:15about what Rubens Barrichello would look like in a ham slicer.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:22And that he's terrified the BBC will reveal his salary,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25because he's paid in strong pornography.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:30All we know is, he's called the Stig.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32And they're off,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Stig fuelled by his fanatical hatred of Rubens Barrichello.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Powering down towards the first corner, here they are
0:10:39 > 0:10:43and the Audi looks like it's getting a bit out of shape already.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Yes, it is.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47# Night fever, night fever... #
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Oh, dear.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Stig seems to have developed an obsession with the Bee Gees.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Perhaps it's cos they share a love of the white suit.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Around Chicago, both dipping a wheel off the track.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Now Hammerhead, Stig stamping on the brakes,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02imagining it's the head of a Williams driver.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Not Nico Hulkenberg, obviously.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07911s can understeer, but no sign of it there at all.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09The Audi's in good shape, too.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12# Sweet city woman, she moves... #
0:11:12 > 0:11:16I should say the Stig also dislikes convertible supercars
0:11:16 > 0:11:20because he always tries to keep his helmet out of the flies.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I've just realised that if these two go faster
0:11:22 > 0:11:27than their hardtop equivalents, I'm going to look like a massive idiot.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30They've just got Gambon to do now.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Both round and there we are, across the line.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- Come on, then.- So...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- No pressure.- Here we go. Hang on. - No pressure.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42The Porsche 911 Turbo convertible
0:11:42 > 0:11:49did it in 1:22.2 seconds, which is there.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Where's the hardtop? - We never tested the hardtop. - Which is lucky for you.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55We have done an Audi R8, though - it's here.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00If this is faster than that you are going to look, by your own admission, a massive idiot.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01- Yes, I am.- Go on, then.
0:12:01 > 0:12:041:21.6, the convertible.
0:12:04 > 0:12:071:22.3!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- Oh-ho-ho!- Look at that!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12You got away with that by the skin of your teeth.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Look how similar they are.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Now...
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Before we do the news, I'd just like to conduct a quick loyalty test.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27As you know, last week there was some sort of football match on at the same time as us,
0:12:27 > 0:12:31so I just wondered... Who watched Top Gear last week?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35- Hands up.- I did. I did. It was great. Jeremy, you?
0:12:35 > 0:12:36I couldn't watch it.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41I'll be honest, I found the bit with the wedding pretty cringeworthy.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46- No, I couldn't watch it because I was in Johannesburg. - Watching the final?
0:12:46 > 0:12:51Oh great! So the one week when we wanted to call in a bit of loyalty
0:12:51 > 0:12:56- and you decided to go to South Africa and watch a Dutchman kick a Spaniard in the heart?- Yes, I did.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59But I have brought one of these back.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Oh, God!
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Great. Two long, noisy things.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06One long, noisy thing.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08They don't work. They don't. Look.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10VUVUZELA FAILS TO BUZZ
0:13:12 > 0:13:14What was all the fuss about, then?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18They were terrifyingly loud.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22I might have drunk some tequila through it, I admit, after the match but it doesn't work.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26You try. You won't... You've got a degree.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28If you play a solo, I'll kick you.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30NO NOISE
0:13:30 > 0:13:32LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:40That wouldn't disturb a game of chess, let alone a football match.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47- It doesn't work. Why is it orange, anyway? - I was supporting the Dutch.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52- Why were you supporting the Dutch? - Because the Dutch watch Top Gear and the Spanish don't.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- And you don't watch Top Gear in your house either, apparently. - Can we do the news?
0:13:56 > 0:14:01There was a report out the other week about dangerous roads in Britain.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04There were some incredible statistics in it.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09Half of all the crashes in Britain happen on 10% of the roads.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11One of the most dangerous roads is this one.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13The A537 near Macclesfield.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Most of the roads in the most dangerous category are bikers' roads.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Oh, here we go. Have a go at bikers time, is it? It's been a while. Go on, kick us.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Let me give you this.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27One in four fatal or serious accidents on an A road involves a bike.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30There are only eight bikes on the road of Britain
0:14:30 > 0:14:35- and they're involved in a quarter of all crashes.- Well...
0:14:35 > 0:14:39If in terms of miles covered, they're more dangerous than puff adders.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- If you've got one of those Suzuki black busas... - Hayabusa, actually.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- Black busa sounds like a sex toy. - It probably is, yes.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51- Hayabusa. - So you drive that, on average, about ten times a year.- Yes.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Statistically you will be killed three times every time you go out.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Let me give you another statistic.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- The average age at which a biker is killed is 35.- A-ha.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- What?- I'm 47.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08That means you've been living on borrowed time for 12 years.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12No, for 12 years he's been riding his bike perfectly perpendicular to the road.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14He does, actually.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Honestly. He left here the other day,
0:15:16 > 0:15:20I've seen faster-moving icebergs than you.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25He got behind a bus going up to the A3 from here and he sat behind the bus the entire way.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28"I'm going along." You did.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32That's because the bus said Guildford on the front and that's where I wanted to go.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:37 > 0:15:39What's the point?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Anyone here a biker? - AUDIENCE:- Yeah.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Right, so eight. 42 set off.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49You want to talk dangerous?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- What?- Cigarette, Jeremy? Why not.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52I'll do you a bet.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55After the show tonight - you can all come and watch -
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- you get on to your black busa... - Hayabusa.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03You ride round the track as fast as you can and I'll chain-smoke, we'll see who dies first. 100 quid.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05You're on.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10A ridiculous bet.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Anyway, that is the end of the news. We must move on.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19As we know, caravans are a menace.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21We all know that. The reason for this is very simple.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Nobody who tows a caravan has had any training, which means they're a bit frightened,
0:16:25 > 0:16:31which means they drive slowly and that means they clog up the British countryside all summer long.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Motorhomes would appear to be a better option but here
0:16:35 > 0:16:39we have a problem because there are only really two types.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41There is the American RV,
0:16:41 > 0:16:46which is extremely cool but far too large, really, for European roads.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Then there is the British alternative, which is much smaller -
0:16:50 > 0:16:54it's much easier to drive on our roads - but it really is rather tragic.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Yeah, so with that in mind, our producers came up with a plan.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01They said we each had to build our own motorhome which would be
0:17:01 > 0:17:05small enough to work in Europe but still cool. The rules were simple.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Whatever we made had to have sleeping accommodation, cooking facilities and a bog.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Then they said once we'd finished them, we had to meet up for a series of challenges.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Our meeting point was Fleet services on the M3.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27And Richard was the first to arrive.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31And there it is.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35I am genuinely, genuinely proud of this.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37'But before I had a chance
0:17:37 > 0:17:41'to talk you through my Land Rover, Jeremy arrived...'
0:17:41 > 0:17:42What?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47'..in what appeared to be a block of flats on top of an old Citroen.'
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Look at it!
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Come on.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- It's enormous. - It's absolutely superb.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Do you ever watch Grand Designs? - Yes.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07You do? Kevin McCloud programme? Every single thing they build looks like this.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10The indented windows - it's modern, it's crisp.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12No, he'd love it.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15He'd love to ask which cock stuck that on top of a Citroen.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22'To try and bring Richard round, I showed him my interior.'
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Wow!
0:18:25 > 0:18:26It's three-storey.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Japanese contemplation area here.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Very useful.
0:18:31 > 0:18:37Upstairs, two hammocks and full cooking facilities, with a grill.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42'With the tour over, Kevin McClarkson turned his attention to my Land Rover.'
0:18:42 > 0:18:44This is hideous.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49It's stone effect, which is right with the Land Rover thing.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51It's hideous.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55JEREMY CHORTLES It's perfect, you see.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Please tell me this is not real. - Yes, it is.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00It is, entirely. If you need it, it's there for you.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- You're joking. - If you need it, it's there.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07'All we had to do then was wait for James.'
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I have to say,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Land Rover famed for its reliability.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17- No, wait - not reliability.- No. - And Citroen famed for... - The same problem.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20The same problem. If James turns up in an Alfa,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- we really have completed the set. - We'll have the lot.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26'But James didn't turn up in an Alfa
0:19:26 > 0:19:30'because he'd thought of something even more unreliable.'
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Whoa!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34It's an old Lotus with a roof box.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I didn't expect that.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Wow!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41You haven't got the idea of it at all.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42No, no, no. This...
0:19:42 > 0:19:46I don't like to be immodest, but this is actually a very good idea.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49It's inspired by the work of the pioneer aviators.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- It's extremely light, it's brilliant.- Hammond?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- It's a roof box with a sleeping bag in it.- Yeah.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Where's your bog?- There.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Oh! Where your head is.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- And how do you go on that? - The roof goes up.- How does it go up?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06It's on telescopic...things.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- It's not a motorhome.- It is. It's a motorcar with accommodation on it.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12What's this? Why's it got that?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- Stability.- Rubbish.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Storage.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18That's it? That's...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21What do you need? A tin opener and a vegetable peeler.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- I like that.- There's another one on the other side with toiletries.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29'James was then keen to inspect Hammond's.'
0:20:29 > 0:20:34- This is a Land Rover with... - ..the curtains on the outside.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I don't understand this. Look.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39There will be opportunity, I'm sure, for me to demonstrate how this works.
0:20:39 > 0:20:45- I've taken inspiration from the American motorhomes that slide out at the sides.- Have you?- Yeah.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- So this gets bigger. - How does it get bigger? - A lot bigger, you'll see.
0:20:49 > 0:20:54'At this point, we were interrupted by the arrival of a challenge.'
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Hello.- Here we go.- This is it.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01It says, "You are going on a camping holiday." Yes, that's a win.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Where?- He loves camping.- Oh, yes.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- In Cornwall.- Yes!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- That's going to be great.- It's not. What's great about Cornwall?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Cornwall's lovely. - You'll have sand in your food.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15You'll be freezing cold if you go anywhere near the sea.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18The food will be stuff you recognise, you'll be able to read the road signs.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Why don't we go to France?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Stop being a wimp.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27"You ARE going on a camping holiday in Cornwall.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30"This is 215 miles from where you are now."
0:21:30 > 0:21:33It's going to be great fun. It's a win, win, win.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I'm going camping - my favourite activity - in my favourite weather.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39It's my best day ever.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44'So, with my heart singing, it was time to show the world
0:21:44 > 0:21:47'that a new era in motorhoming had begun.'
0:21:47 > 0:21:48We roll.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50There we go.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05So, just to recap, viewers, what I'm doing now
0:22:05 > 0:22:08is going for a nice drive down to Cornwall in my Lotus.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13There is no impression whatsoever of there being anything on the roof.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17That weighs less than me and that's the point.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22Lightness. Preserving motoring pleasure for the "campervanist".
0:22:22 > 0:22:25'Sadly, when the Land Rover got up to speed,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28'I realised there was a bit of a design flaw.'
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I modified this particular example
0:22:31 > 0:22:34and cut away the bodywork to create this.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38I have left a slight gap sort of all round here
0:22:38 > 0:22:40and there is quite a draught.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42It is quite chilly.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46'Mind you, compared to Jeremy's design flaw...'
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Argh. Ah!
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Aargh! Oh!
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Oh, my God! No! This is terrifying.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58It's a... I can't begin to describe what this feels like.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01It's... OK! ..wobbling quite badly.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04'I asked James to pull in behind
0:23:04 > 0:23:06'and assess the gravity of the situation.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08'But he wasn't much help.'
0:23:08 > 0:23:11HE CHUCKLES
0:23:13 > 0:23:16'And to be honest, nor was Hammond.'
0:23:16 > 0:23:17HE CHUCKLES
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I've cocked up. I know I've cocked up.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Low bridge!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34No, I didn't.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- Yes.- He hasn't got a clue.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Aaargh!
0:23:39 > 0:23:44'As Jeremy screamed his way onto the A303...
0:23:44 > 0:23:47'all was well in the Lotus.'
0:23:47 > 0:23:51I know people have a bit of a downer on Lotus and believe they're hideously unreliable
0:23:51 > 0:23:54but really, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this car
0:23:54 > 0:23:59apart from a little bit of electrical infidelity and the clock.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I mean, it works but only the minute hand works.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06I know it's quarter to, I just don't know what it's quarter to to.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10OK. I'm going to operate the heater controls.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Land Rover heaters are not their best feature, if I'm honest.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17That's on full.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19I can't feel it at all.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24'In the leaning tower of Citroen, I was starting to relax a bit.'
0:24:26 > 0:24:27She was VERY pretty.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33She just liked it. She wouldn't like to go in Hammond's, cos that's stupid.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35HE SHRIEKS
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Aaaaargh!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41HE LAUGHS
0:24:41 > 0:24:46Jeremy, can I just say, this is the biggest entertainment I've had
0:24:46 > 0:24:49on a road journey in my whole life. It's absolutely hilarious.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52'It wasn't hilarious, though.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57'And since Hammond's Cottage was now suffering from subsidence,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59'we pulled in for some bodging.'
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Hammond...
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Yeah?- We've done 20 miles.- I know.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06We'll have to stop nine times to rebuild your shed before we get anywhere.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12'In a matter of moments, I'd mended the Citroen's attachment.'
0:25:12 > 0:25:16The problem was, the air was hitting this massive slab here,
0:25:16 > 0:25:20forcing the whole car back and lifting the front wheels off the ground,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22so I've taken out this window.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25The air will now go in there
0:25:25 > 0:25:29and then I've removed the rear door, so it can come out here.
0:25:31 > 0:25:3220,
0:25:32 > 0:25:3430.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Oh, yeah. That's just massively improved it.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Aargh!
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Whoo!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45No, it's made no difference!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Make it stop!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Right, we've done about 30 miles.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53180-something to go.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59'Amazingly, the convoy did keep going
0:25:59 > 0:26:03'until eventually, we pulled in for a fuel stop.'
0:26:03 > 0:26:06OK. Now this is a bit of a faff.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09HE GRUNTS
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- Hammond?- Yes?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- I may have made a mistake.- Where?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Well, I added this escape chute
0:26:21 > 0:26:26so that I can go from my aeroplane fuselage into the back seat of the car,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28which is here. It's very good...
0:26:28 > 0:26:30But I've covered up the filler flap.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- Oh, my God! Jeremy, no, no, no!- No.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- What?- Seriously, you're going to hit it.- Yeah, that's quite close.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Yeah, but, unlike your two cars...
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Ready?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- Ha-ha!- Oh, yes.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Yes!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56'Soon, refuelling was under way.'
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Here we go.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- JEREMY CHUCKLES - Go away.
0:27:08 > 0:27:13That's an all-new... I've never seen a lockable fuel filler cap where you need to saw it.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14It's very secure.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20'Refuelling over, we headed on our way.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23'And several perilous miles later...'
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Aaargh!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29'..we finally reached Cornwall.'
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Polzeath. That's where we're going.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Ooh! I've got all the excitement you get as a kid on a family holiday,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38winding round little roads.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42The odd glimpse of the sea.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Been on the go now pretty much seven hours.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50Could have flown to New York in that time. But no.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Here, drizzle, cold, frightened,
0:27:53 > 0:27:57and all I have to look forward to is camping with a...
0:27:58 > 0:28:00A lunatic and a retard.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02'But then...'
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Oh, no!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Got a warning light.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Guys, I've got a warning light on the dashboard. Says, "Stop."
0:28:12 > 0:28:16'As you'd expect, the happy campers chose to ignore my distress signal.'
0:28:16 > 0:28:21Oh, yeah. That looks a suitable holiday destination.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23I think so.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Holy Moley!
0:28:28 > 0:28:32What manner of terrible thing has happened under my bonnet?
0:28:32 > 0:28:37It's actually had diarrhoea, is what's happened here.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39'At the campsite,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42'I settled down to watch Hammond's creation take shape.'
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Yep. Oh, yep.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52RICHARD GRUNTS
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Ow!
0:28:58 > 0:29:00I'm brave.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Do you want some help?
0:29:02 > 0:29:05No. Don't need it, mate. A one-man job, this.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12'Having got the block of flats going again, Jeremy eventually joined us.'
0:29:12 > 0:29:15This is gripping.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20- What are you doing? - Finishing touches.
0:29:20 > 0:29:25'In Hammond's head, his build was coming along nicely.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27'But it wasn't.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32And an hour later, Jeremy and I were bored.'
0:29:32 > 0:29:33Is there a pub?
0:29:33 > 0:29:35'There was, so we went to it,
0:29:35 > 0:29:38'leaving Hammond to carry on building.'
0:29:40 > 0:29:42I see this as a sort of club room.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46Darts...hanging out with your mates.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Oh, yes.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50There it is.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Shall we order Hammond something?
0:29:53 > 0:29:57I'm thinking of the beer-battered fish, pea puree, tartare sauce.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01"I don't like beer, I don't like batter, I don't like fish..."
0:30:01 > 0:30:03- He doesn't eat fish. - I know, he doesn't eat fish.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06He might eat a free-range egg.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11'Back at base, the wind was getting up.'
0:30:18 > 0:30:20That bit's slightly too short.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29'When we got back from the pub, Hammond was still going.'
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Is this his motorhome?
0:30:31 > 0:30:34- I don't believe it. - That is outrageous.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36Come in, dude, come in.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38This is the bed.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40- Yeah, that can happen.- Sorry, sorry.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44I'll give you a quick squiz round if you like. This is the library here.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47- Thank you.- So you've got a library.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49- This is the dining room.- It goes on.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Look at that!
0:30:51 > 0:30:55- Bloody Nora. - In here, this..- BLEEP- Mind that.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57What's in here?
0:30:59 > 0:31:00That's a child's bedroom.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03- What's this?- This is lovely.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06He's got an ancestral portrait.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Yes, Great Uncle... Great Uncle Tall there.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12Just a minute - this is Great Uncle Yourself.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19'With the very lengthy tour over, it was time to get some sleep.'
0:31:19 > 0:31:22WIND HOWLS
0:31:24 > 0:31:27These are my nightclothes that I like to wear.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32There we go.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38- Oh! - THUD
0:31:39 > 0:31:41'Still, could be worse.'
0:31:41 > 0:31:44CLATTERING AND HOWLING OF WIND
0:31:47 > 0:31:48Oh, God!
0:31:56 > 0:31:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:59 > 0:32:00Thank you so much.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02Thank you. Now...
0:32:03 > 0:32:06We'll pick that up later on,
0:32:06 > 0:32:10but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14My guest tonight is actually a caravan enthusiast.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17But unlike any other caravan enthusiast,
0:32:17 > 0:32:19he also starred in The Godfather.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22And Ocean's Eleven, Twelve and Thirteen
0:32:22 > 0:32:24and once, he had his head cut off.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Garcia.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:29 > 0:32:31How are you?
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Major Hollywood.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Major.
0:32:40 > 0:32:44- Thank you very much. I love England. - Well, that's... You see,
0:32:44 > 0:32:46you've won their hearts already.
0:32:46 > 0:32:51I'm always fascinated, when we do occasionally have big Hollywood stars come on the show...
0:32:51 > 0:32:54- Please, please.- What it feels like, cos I presume
0:32:54 > 0:32:59when you go on American chat shows it's all red carpets and men with mascara and shiny teeth.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02- Like you.- No.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05And you come down here and it's a kind of a windswept airfield
0:33:05 > 0:33:07and there's a man with a white helmet on who won't speak to you.
0:33:07 > 0:33:11Then we put you into a car with a steering wheel on what you see as the wrong side
0:33:11 > 0:33:14and make you drive round a track. Was it fun? You enjoy that?
0:33:14 > 0:33:18I enjoyed it very much. I drive stick but obviously, with a different hand.
0:33:18 > 0:33:23I do a lot of things with both hands, so I'm pretty used to it.
0:33:23 > 0:33:24LAUGHTER
0:33:26 > 0:33:29She's gone bright red, look.
0:33:29 > 0:33:30So has he.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35We've actually got a clip which I really want to start off with,
0:33:35 > 0:33:39of one of your first attempts in practice laps, which nearly resulted in the death of the Stig.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Would anybody here like to see that?
0:33:42 > 0:33:46- AUDIENCE: Yes!- Let's just have a look at this before we get cracking.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Here we come, up to Gambon Corner.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52A little wide... Really very wide indeed.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54And there is...
0:33:54 > 0:33:58- I never liked him from the start. - You didn't like him.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01He is actually deeply...
0:34:01 > 0:34:04It's very rude if someone talks to you and never shows you his face.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07Now, obviously...
0:34:07 > 0:34:11the first thing I notice is you arrived with...a face hair.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13That's what I'm going to say.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16It actually peels off.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18- Does it really?- No, it doesn't.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21- Is this for a movie, I presume? - Why else would you wear a thing like this?
0:34:23 > 0:34:27We're sorting out the issue of motorhomes tonight, what you'd call RVs.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30- Right.- I understand you are a caravan enthusiast.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Er...
0:34:32 > 0:34:33I have an airstream trailer.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37- This is the chrome...- The chrome, silver bullet-looking thing.
0:34:37 > 0:34:41In this case it's a large one - it's 34 feet, which is fantastic.
0:34:41 > 0:34:45The thing about an airstream is it looks very good, but you still have to crap in a bucket.
0:34:45 > 0:34:50- Yeah, like that piece of- BLEEP - you provided for me over here.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- There's hot water in there somewhere. - No, there isn't.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57Obviously, you have been in very many big films over the years.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00We've mentioned some - The Untouchables, Black Rain.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04I think not a lot of people realise this. Because of The Godfather,
0:35:04 > 0:35:07they assume you must be Italian, but you were born in Cuba.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11I was born in Cuba and I left 2½ years after the revolution. I was 5½ years old.
0:35:11 > 0:35:15- How did you get out? How did it work?- We were some of the last...
0:35:15 > 0:35:18They call freedom flights before they shut the country completely down,
0:35:18 > 0:35:24and you had to leave at that point in an inner tube, or, interestingly enough,
0:35:24 > 0:35:28there have been cases where they've turned old cars into actual floating amphibious...
0:35:28 > 0:35:33- And they've taken off. - I don't know where they got the idea for that from. I can't imagine.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36I know you guys explored that, but it's true.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40They've found big Buicks or flatbed trucks floating across the Florida Straits with a...
0:35:40 > 0:35:46The ingenuity, though, in Cuba, to keep those big old American cars going, is just...
0:35:46 > 0:35:49They make brake fluid out of shampoo and alcohol.
0:35:49 > 0:35:53Yeah, and brake pads out of asbestos. I saw a documentary - a car documentary -
0:35:53 > 0:35:56and there was a gentleman mixing asbestos with his hands
0:35:56 > 0:35:59and mixing it to create the pad for the brakes,
0:35:59 > 0:36:02and they said, "You know this can kill you?"
0:36:02 > 0:36:03And he said, "Yes, I know.
0:36:03 > 0:36:07"But how do I provide for my family if I don't do this?"
0:36:07 > 0:36:11What a life. Imagine what life would have been like if your parents hadn't got you out.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13I was very lucky.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17Are you familiar with the story of the Cuban Grand Prix in '59?
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Yes, it was a kidnapping of Juan Manuel Fangio,
0:36:20 > 0:36:25the famous Argentinian race car driver, and he was kidnapped by the Cuban revolutionaries.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28They released him after the Grand Prix,
0:36:28 > 0:36:33and they said, "Why'd they kidnap you?" He said, "For publicity."
0:36:33 > 0:36:38- "Did they treat you badly?" He goes, "No, they were perfect gentlemen." - It was one of those amazing stories.
0:36:38 > 0:36:43Juan used to put... Before a race, you've got to turn and analyse the turn,
0:36:43 > 0:36:44he'd put like a big silver dollar,
0:36:44 > 0:36:48a Cuban big peso or something and then bet people
0:36:48 > 0:36:51that in that turn he was going to run it over.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53He was a great proponent of the four-wheel drift.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56So to hit a silver dollar while doing a four-wheel drift...
0:36:56 > 0:36:59So do you drive some big old American Chevy then,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02that you keep going with shampoo and things in the States?
0:37:02 > 0:37:08No, I have a little Porsche that I drive, a 4S, 2006 or something.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12- So no Prius?- No Prius.- Good man.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14You're very welcome here.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16APPLAUSE
0:37:20 > 0:37:24I'm all for clean diesel and hybrids and all that, but not a Prius.
0:37:24 > 0:37:25Just not a Prius.
0:37:25 > 0:37:30- Did you not once have a Peugeot?- It was a diesel wagon, 504 diesel wagon.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34It was a beautiful car. Couldn't make its way over the hill in Hollywood,
0:37:34 > 0:37:37but it rode beautifully on the highway in fifth gear.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41It would quiet down, and you'd put like 20 dollars of diesel in it
0:37:41 > 0:37:43and it'd last for like 14 months.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47It had beautiful lines. That car had beautiful lines.
0:37:47 > 0:37:51I miss the car. If anybody's watching the show that bought my car, please, I want to buy it back.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55Yeah, OK. 504 diesel. Anyone got one?
0:37:55 > 0:37:57No, didn't think so.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01Anyway, competition-wise, have you ever done any track driving?
0:38:01 > 0:38:03- No.- Never?
0:38:03 > 0:38:06- Never.- And you've never driven a car with the gear lever on...
0:38:06 > 0:38:09So this was all an entirely new thing for you out there.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Who would like to see Andy's lap?
0:38:11 > 0:38:13AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:38:13 > 0:38:15Let's have a look then. Come on, let's put it up.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20There we go, in the brown C-apostrophe-D.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22- Are you pleased with that? - A good start.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Yeah, you were.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26- You actually look quite sinister. - Tell me about it.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Let's have a look through the first corner.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33That's taming its understeer nicely. That's very good.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36- Running a bit wide. Everybody does, though.- Forget to break.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Not a good idea. Into Chicago.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43Again, it does run wide, that car. Very safe, very brown.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46Slow. Hammerhead, a very tricky corner here,
0:38:46 > 0:38:48though it's a quick left.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Quick right. That's very well done, though.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54- That was excellent.- Thank you, sir.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56A bit slow on the gear change.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59This is my lap, baby.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02- Sounds...- I didn't know that Groucho Marx knew how to drive.
0:39:02 > 0:39:06It is... It is slightly Marx-esque.
0:39:06 > 0:39:07That was very quick.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10- Now you've got the tricky corner. - Clean so far.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16This is where most of our celebrities go off, but that was nicely handled.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Do you get Gambon right this time?
0:39:19 > 0:39:22Beautifully cut, taking the actual Gambon line, and there we are.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24APPLAUSE
0:39:24 > 0:39:26Well done.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37Where do you think you've come on our relatively new board?
0:39:37 > 0:39:41- You don't know any of these names, do you?- I know Angelina Jolie.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44She didn't look quite like I thought.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47She was kind of fat and a bit bald.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51- Might have been a comedian pretending to be Angelina.- I see.
0:39:51 > 0:39:56- Louie Spence, you don't know him, presumably.- No, but I certainly would like to be ahead of him.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00- No, you don't want to be in front of him.- Oh, I see.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02So, Andy...
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Garcia.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07You did it in one minute...
0:40:08 > 0:40:1246.1,
0:40:12 > 0:40:14which means, I think,
0:40:14 > 0:40:16- that you are... - APPLAUSE
0:40:18 > 0:40:22..the third fastest driver we've ever had.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25That's not bad.
0:40:30 > 0:40:35I think, for a man who's never driven on the correct side of a car before,
0:40:35 > 0:40:37that's very, very impressive.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40And it's just been a huge pleasure and an honour to have you here.
0:40:40 > 0:40:44- Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Garcia. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Now...
0:40:52 > 0:40:57Earlier on, we were told to invent motorhomes
0:40:57 > 0:41:00that were cool and would prove so successful
0:41:00 > 0:41:03they would rid this country of the caravan menace forever.
0:41:03 > 0:41:07The results so far have been, well, mixed, but no matter.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11We rejoin the action after spending the night trying to sleep through
0:41:11 > 0:41:13what felt like a force-nine gale.
0:41:17 > 0:41:21'The next morning, mercifully, the wind had died down.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23'But it had taken its toll.
0:41:25 > 0:41:26Oh, dear.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31Oh, look. It's done the same in the games room?
0:41:31 > 0:41:35Yeah, brought the roof down onto the pool table. And the living room and the cinema.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39- I promise you, Hammond, it was worse for me.- How can it be worse for you?
0:41:39 > 0:41:40The roof fell in on my library.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43- I promise you it was worse for me. - What's worse than that?
0:41:45 > 0:41:47Oh, yeah. That's worse.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Morning. Oh, God.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Is that just the wind did that?
0:41:53 > 0:41:57Oh, yeah. No, a big giant came.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01'After a revolting breakfast in Hammond's citadel,
0:42:01 > 0:42:06'Jeremy pulled out all the stops to get his Citroen righted.'
0:42:06 > 0:42:10- So we've had cold beans.- Yep.- I'm sorry I didn't eat your raw bacon.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12At least I remembered them.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18That is my Japanese garden. Look at it. Just leaking.
0:42:18 > 0:42:19Still, it's the right way up.
0:42:19 > 0:42:21- Oh, hello.- Oh, God.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26Thank you.
0:42:26 > 0:42:30"Since you are in Cornwall, you must try surfing."
0:42:30 > 0:42:33I don't want to do surfing. What if we just don't want to do it?
0:42:33 > 0:42:36What if we just say, "No, we're not going to"?
0:42:36 > 0:42:37Apparently we ARE going to.
0:42:37 > 0:42:38There's more.
0:42:38 > 0:42:43"You must drive to a nearby beach and get changed into wetsuits
0:42:43 > 0:42:45"inside your motorhomes."
0:42:45 > 0:42:48HE CHUCKLES
0:42:48 > 0:42:51Sorry, I'm suddenly feeling cheered up.
0:42:51 > 0:42:54Have you ever tried to put... What, wetsuits or...? Well, suit.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56Have you ever tried to put them on?
0:42:56 > 0:42:59You need... You see this field?
0:42:59 > 0:43:02You need an area this big, which you have, but it's here,
0:43:02 > 0:43:06so you've got to parcel all that up to drive to the...
0:43:06 > 0:43:08And you!
0:43:09 > 0:43:12'But Clarkson was laughing too soon,
0:43:12 > 0:43:17'because I had planned for such an eventuality.'
0:43:17 > 0:43:20Simply retract the roof. Easy.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24It's like a spaceship, you see.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27You end up with this escape pod that can just break free.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32'Meanwhile, James and I had arrived at the beach.'
0:43:32 > 0:43:35Look at this. Surftown UK.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37They're going to look at my hat and they're going to say,
0:43:37 > 0:43:42"Yes, yes, that man knows what he's doing."
0:43:42 > 0:43:47'And with no sign of Hammond, we decided to have a surfing lesson.'
0:43:47 > 0:43:49Hang on. So it's a...
0:43:50 > 0:43:52Yeah, yeah, you've got it.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55- Is that roughly right?- It wasn't, though, was it?- Not really, no.
0:43:55 > 0:43:59'Eventually, Hammond's escape pod was free...
0:44:01 > 0:44:03'..and he was able to join us
0:44:03 > 0:44:07'for the "getting into a wetsuit in a motorhome" test.'
0:44:08 > 0:44:12Yes! I'll get changed in my contemplation zone.
0:44:12 > 0:44:14Lovely job.
0:44:14 > 0:44:17'Unsurprisingly, it was much harder in the Lotus.'
0:44:17 > 0:44:20Ow! Ow!
0:44:20 > 0:44:25'But surprisingly, even harder in Hammond's land cottage.'
0:44:27 > 0:44:30I, er, have had to leave some of the panels at the campsite.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32Well, all of them, pretty much.
0:44:32 > 0:44:35And that, er...
0:44:35 > 0:44:39That has sort of compromised privacy, rather.
0:44:39 > 0:44:42They're not going to go, are they?
0:44:42 > 0:44:45If I maybe...
0:44:47 > 0:44:49No. Er...
0:44:52 > 0:44:54I've had a very clever idea, I think.
0:44:54 > 0:44:59I do of course have my escape chute, which leads directly into the back seat of the car.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02It's a way of moving between the car and the bedding area
0:45:02 > 0:45:05without having to go outside if it's raining, for example.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08So when I've got the bottom half on, I'm going to exit
0:45:08 > 0:45:13and enter the car and then slip into the top bit down there where I can sit up.
0:45:13 > 0:45:19'Hammond, meanwhile, had abandoned the Land Rover and stolen a child's tent.'
0:45:21 > 0:45:22OK.
0:45:24 > 0:45:25OK.
0:45:25 > 0:45:29I'm not sure that the escape chute actually works. Hang on a minute.
0:45:35 > 0:45:37I've got my shoulders stuck.
0:45:37 > 0:45:42'But just several hours later, my colleagues were ready.'
0:45:42 > 0:45:44It's cold.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46It's really cold.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48It's not going to get any warmer.
0:45:49 > 0:45:51Well, give it a couple of months, it might.
0:45:51 > 0:45:54- Come on.- All right, what do we do?
0:45:56 > 0:45:58'Without wishing to boast...'
0:45:58 > 0:46:00This is quite nice.
0:46:00 > 0:46:02'..I mastered surfing very quickly.'
0:46:02 > 0:46:03Lovely.
0:46:03 > 0:46:06That's the easiest thing I've ever done.
0:46:06 > 0:46:10'But for some reason, the other two kept trying to stand up.'
0:46:15 > 0:46:18Toes on tail, hands on the rail...
0:46:20 > 0:46:22I am surfing!
0:46:25 > 0:46:28'They were so engrossed in this idiocy
0:46:28 > 0:46:31'they failed to spot an incoming problem.'
0:46:31 > 0:46:33James, we've got to get out.
0:46:33 > 0:46:36- No!- I almost got up. - We've nearly got it.
0:46:36 > 0:46:38- What?- The cars.
0:46:38 > 0:46:39- Oh,- BLEEP,- he's right.
0:46:41 > 0:46:45'James and Richard rushed to their cars and legged it,
0:46:45 > 0:46:48'whereas I decided to get changed where I was.'
0:46:48 > 0:46:50Ah! Jesus!
0:46:50 > 0:46:51'Which went well.'
0:46:51 > 0:46:52Agh!
0:46:52 > 0:46:54No!
0:46:56 > 0:46:57Yes! Come on, Hasselhoff.
0:46:59 > 0:47:01That wasn't tense.
0:47:02 > 0:47:06'Our next challenge was to cook a three-course meal in our motorhomes
0:47:06 > 0:47:11'using whatever ingredients we could find at a nearby petrol station.'
0:47:13 > 0:47:16Sit rep. Don't like driving my Citroen,
0:47:16 > 0:47:18don't like sleeping in my Citroen,
0:47:18 > 0:47:21almost certainly won't like cooking in it, either.
0:47:21 > 0:47:26'Plus, getting to the petrol station meant taking some back roads.'
0:47:27 > 0:47:29Whoa!
0:47:29 > 0:47:31What the hell's that?
0:47:31 > 0:47:34- Well, it was a tree, but now... - A tree?
0:47:34 > 0:47:37That was a big one, Jeremy. Oh, no!
0:47:39 > 0:47:42'Having pruned most of Cornwall,
0:47:42 > 0:47:44'we finally arrived.'
0:47:46 > 0:47:48Oh, my God. No, no, no.
0:47:48 > 0:47:49BANG!
0:47:51 > 0:47:54Now I have crashed into a petrol station.
0:47:57 > 0:48:00- Have you not been able to get changed?- Of course I haven't.
0:48:00 > 0:48:03You know how difficult it is to get out of one of these.
0:48:03 > 0:48:05I had to get out of it in a coffin.
0:48:08 > 0:48:10'In the shop, James said he'd do the starter,
0:48:10 > 0:48:13'Richard the pudding and me the main course.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16'But this was the sticks.'
0:48:16 > 0:48:18So, do you have any steak?
0:48:18 > 0:48:20Nope.
0:48:20 > 0:48:21- Pork?- Nope.
0:48:21 > 0:48:24- Er, lamb?- Nope.
0:48:25 > 0:48:27Bacon?
0:48:27 > 0:48:29No, I'm afraid, sorry.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31The washers aren't part of the meal.
0:48:31 > 0:48:34I've just got those because I like them.
0:48:34 > 0:48:35Do you have any butter?
0:48:35 > 0:48:36Mmm...
0:48:36 > 0:48:37No.
0:48:39 > 0:48:40- Lard?- Struggling.
0:48:40 > 0:48:43Margarine.
0:48:43 > 0:48:48'Despite the lack of choice, we soon had enough for our dinner.
0:48:50 > 0:48:52'So, back at the campsite, we parked up...
0:48:56 > 0:48:57'..and got cooking.'
0:48:57 > 0:49:01Right, what I'm going to cook tonight is Spam slices,
0:49:01 > 0:49:05coated with a crushed, cheesy, popular snack item.
0:49:05 > 0:49:10So first, using the fork, we crush up the cheesy comestibles.
0:49:10 > 0:49:13Here is what I propose for dessert.
0:49:13 > 0:49:17I'm going to make Eton mess crossed with trifle.
0:49:17 > 0:49:19Couldn't find any sponge fingers,
0:49:19 > 0:49:23but then I had an absolutely brilliant idea. I'm going to use bread.
0:49:23 > 0:49:26Lining the bowl with the sponge fingers.
0:49:26 > 0:49:31Now we put our ice cream and yogurt in, like that.
0:49:31 > 0:49:36Right, the water is boiling so it's time to start preparing the vegetables.
0:49:36 > 0:49:37Here they are.
0:49:37 > 0:49:39So, thin slices.
0:49:39 > 0:49:44About an eighth of an inch, or about 2.5 mm in Roman Catholic.
0:49:44 > 0:49:49But flavour the flowers with just a couple of pickled onions.
0:49:49 > 0:49:52Chocolate, not a problem. Any amount of that can go in.
0:49:56 > 0:49:57Ow! Ow!
0:49:57 > 0:49:59I need a handle for that.
0:49:59 > 0:50:01Now...
0:50:02 > 0:50:06The oil. This does worry me, I must admit, using Castrol GTX.
0:50:06 > 0:50:09But I don't think I have any choice.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11In the meantime, whilst that just heats up,
0:50:11 > 0:50:16we have to consider our "garni", which is an orange jus...
0:50:17 > 0:50:20..taken out of the inside of one of these chocolate confections,
0:50:20 > 0:50:23which is named after a type of orange where it isn't a brand name,
0:50:23 > 0:50:27but becomes a brand name when applied to one of these, unfortunately.
0:50:27 > 0:50:30So I can't tell you what they are, but you know they're Jaffa Cakes.
0:50:30 > 0:50:34Now I'm monitoring everything at this point very carefully,
0:50:34 > 0:50:39cos the last time I tried to cook on a campsite, the caravan caught fire.
0:50:39 > 0:50:43You may remember. And the one next to it. So I can't be...
0:50:44 > 0:50:46Holy cow. What's that?
0:50:46 > 0:50:49Er... Er...
0:50:49 > 0:50:54- Get an extinguisher, man!- I haven't got one!- Who's got an extinguisher? - I've got one there.
0:50:54 > 0:50:56Why's there a safety thing on it?
0:50:56 > 0:51:00Who's put a health and safety thing on it?
0:51:02 > 0:51:05I've used it all now.
0:51:05 > 0:51:06James, are you not going to get out?
0:51:06 > 0:51:08I can't. It takes half an hour.
0:51:08 > 0:51:10'Hammond then found another extinguisher
0:51:10 > 0:51:14'but unfortunately, there was a height issue.'
0:51:15 > 0:51:16That's not working.
0:51:16 > 0:51:19Left a bit. Right. No, the other way, the other way!
0:51:19 > 0:51:21The other way!
0:51:21 > 0:51:24This is all working terribly well. I think mine is going to be ready quite soon,
0:51:24 > 0:51:29but we won't have anywhere to eat it because I believe the plan was to eat in Hammond's dining room,
0:51:29 > 0:51:31which has just burnt down.
0:51:32 > 0:51:33Ooh, not good.
0:51:33 > 0:51:36He's actually set fire to metal.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38How has he done that?
0:51:41 > 0:51:43'We decided to abandon the cooking
0:51:43 > 0:51:47'and cracked open a liquid supper instead.'
0:51:49 > 0:51:52That's the first time we've seen the sun, gentlemen, since we...
0:51:52 > 0:51:56- Well, that makes it worthwhile, doesn't it?- That's not bad.- Listen.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00All you can hear is just the creaking of the embers
0:52:00 > 0:52:03- in his burning motorhome. - Yeah, just my fire.
0:52:13 > 0:52:15SHEEP BLEAT
0:52:15 > 0:52:19Just get out! And you! Out! Out!
0:52:22 > 0:52:24Oh, God, look at it.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28'And on that note...'
0:52:46 > 0:52:47Hello.
0:52:50 > 0:52:54'After James had failed to wipe his bottom with any dignity,
0:52:54 > 0:52:57'we decided to go to a nearby beauty spot.'
0:52:57 > 0:53:00- James May.- Jeremy Clarkson.
0:53:00 > 0:53:04What's it like, driving around under a bucket of your own faeces?
0:53:04 > 0:53:08Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment?
0:53:12 > 0:53:16Aaaaargh!
0:53:16 > 0:53:19'As we drove along, we began to realise
0:53:19 > 0:53:23'that our motorhoming holiday hadn't been a great success.'
0:53:24 > 0:53:25I'm exhausted.
0:53:25 > 0:53:27I'm also pretty cold now.
0:53:27 > 0:53:29I don't think I'm going to make it.
0:53:29 > 0:53:32Just leave me behind, I'll only slow you up.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35I don't know why I said that. They will.
0:53:38 > 0:53:40Covered in egg and crisps and Spam juice.
0:53:40 > 0:53:43I haven't shaved, I haven't had a proper wash for three days.
0:53:43 > 0:53:47The thing about this exercise is that it helps you to appreciate
0:53:47 > 0:53:49the basic amenities of home life.
0:53:49 > 0:53:53You know, a tap, a chair.
0:53:54 > 0:53:56'What's more, the speed of Jeremy's motorhome
0:53:56 > 0:54:00'meant that everyone else's holiday was ruined, too.'
0:54:00 > 0:54:03That's a big queue. I'm embarrassed.
0:54:03 > 0:54:08That's a really long queue. I don't think we've sped up caravanning, have we?
0:54:14 > 0:54:17'Eventually, we made it to the beauty spot.'
0:54:20 > 0:54:23- Oh, yeah.- Now THAT is a view. - This is more like it, yeah.
0:54:25 > 0:54:28- I think it's fabulous. - Yeah, this is all right.
0:54:28 > 0:54:31- Right now I'm quite enjoying motor caravanning.- Yeah, I'm enjoying it.
0:54:31 > 0:54:35It's the first time since we set off that motorhoming is making sense.
0:54:35 > 0:54:37- Guys.- What?
0:54:37 > 0:54:39There's a pub down there.
0:54:39 > 0:54:44- Yes, very nice.- I'm going to the pub. I'm going for an ice cream. - Will you bring one back?
0:54:44 > 0:54:49- I've been thinking about ice cream for three days.- I'll bring you back an ice cream
0:54:49 > 0:54:52and then everyone will go, "They really do get on, those three."
0:54:52 > 0:54:54Yeah, OK.
0:54:54 > 0:54:59'While Jeremy was gone, I'm afraid we hatched a plan.'
0:54:59 > 0:55:02See where it drops away at the edge of the cliff?
0:55:02 > 0:55:06If we pushed his car there and just park it on the edge,
0:55:06 > 0:55:09he won't be able to go forwards, obviously.
0:55:09 > 0:55:13- No, I know what you're thinking. - Never back it up.- That's brilliant.
0:55:13 > 0:55:17Go on, stick it down there. He'll see it from the bottom and he'll see the tower on the edge.
0:55:17 > 0:55:18He's taken the...
0:55:18 > 0:55:20Well, push it, push it, push it.
0:55:24 > 0:55:26That's good.
0:55:27 > 0:55:30Mmm. That's very good.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32Handbrake's off.
0:55:32 > 0:55:34- Just get it right to the edge. - Yeah, yeah.
0:55:34 > 0:55:36I reckon if we...
0:55:36 > 0:55:38- Hang on. Oh,- BLEEP.
0:55:38 > 0:55:41In weather like this, among scenery like that,
0:55:41 > 0:55:44holidaying in England -
0:55:44 > 0:55:47even in a motorhome - does make sense.
0:55:47 > 0:55:50CRASHING
0:55:50 > 0:55:52Is that all right?
0:55:52 > 0:55:53What?
0:55:59 > 0:56:01What's that?
0:56:02 > 0:56:04APPLAUSE
0:56:10 > 0:56:11You ruined it.
0:56:14 > 0:56:18You ruined my Citroen grand design and you ruined it on purpose.
0:56:18 > 0:56:19It was his idea.
0:56:19 > 0:56:22It wasn't! We saw in the film, you did it.
0:56:22 > 0:56:26You pushed it off the cliff cos you knew it was best and you're a sore loser.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28Jeremy, it wasn't the best, mate.
0:56:28 > 0:56:30It had a top speed of two and it fell over.
0:56:30 > 0:56:32You couldn't even wipe your bottom in yours.
0:56:32 > 0:56:36Yeah, exactly. You could wipe thousands of bottoms in mine, which is why it was the best.
0:56:36 > 0:56:41Wiping your bottom is not the only criterion for judging a successful motorhome.
0:56:41 > 0:56:44Whatever. Point is mine was brilliant, and you know it.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46- It wasn't. - It wasn't, actually.- Exactly.
0:56:46 > 0:56:51- In fact, we really haven't reinvented the motorhome at all, have we?- No, I'm afraid we haven't.
0:56:51 > 0:56:55- And once again, and as usual, we've completely wasted your evening. - Sorry.- Yes.
0:56:55 > 0:56:58And as a result of our wretched failure,
0:56:58 > 0:57:03Britain will continue to be strangled by the glass-fibre menace of the caravan
0:57:03 > 0:57:08until we all suffocate and die pointless and agonising deaths.
0:57:08 > 0:57:10Nice to have a plan - that's the main thing.
0:57:10 > 0:57:13On that bombshell, it's time to end. Thank you for watching. Good night.