0:00:12 > 0:00:18Tonight: A fat man gets murdered, a donkey gets overtaken,
0:00:18 > 0:00:21and James wears ladies' underwear on his head.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Hello. Hello, good evening.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Welcome. Welcome, everybody.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Thank you. Thank you so much.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Now, we begin with a letter.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43It says, "Dear Top Gear, I'm a leading light in the Albanian Mafia
0:00:43 > 0:00:48"and I'm thinking of buying the new baby Rolls-Royce, the Ghost.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52"But how does it compare to, say, a Bentley or a Mercedes?
0:00:52 > 0:00:58"Yours sincerely, Normanski Ataesi." Now this caused one hell of a row in the office.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01The producers said we should go out to Albania and do the test.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06We said, "No, we can't be seen to be helping the Mafia." We were adamant.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10We said, "This is our line in the sand, we will not go!"
0:01:16 > 0:01:22You join me on the ferry from Corfu to Albania and here is the car in question,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25the new Rolls-Royce Ghost -
0:01:25 > 0:01:30£200,000 of power, prestige and...peeled cows.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35And this Mercedes is the alternative -
0:01:35 > 0:01:37the twin turbo-charged V12 S65.
0:01:37 > 0:01:42In short, the most powerful saloon car in the world.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46And this is where the Bentley Mulsanne should be,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49but just a few days before we were due to come out here,
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Bentley decided not to take part in the film.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55So no Bentley?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- No.- So you're going to tell a leading light of the Albanian Mafia
0:01:58 > 0:02:01you couldn't bring them their car because it was a bit difficult.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04No, I've made an alternative arrangement.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12And when we arrived the alternative arrangement was waiting for us.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18- It's a Yugo.- Yes.
0:02:18 > 0:02:25But in a number of critical ways, it is exactly the same as the new Bentley Mulsanne. Listen to this.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26DULL THUMP There you go.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28That's the same sort of dull aristocratic whump.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Four door.- There's a hole on the outside you put the fuel in.
0:02:31 > 0:02:36- Yeah, engine at the front, rear drive, probably.- Drive it from there.- From that wheel there.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40It is - for this mission, it's exactly the same as the Bentley Mulsanne,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- in the same way that Roy Hattersley is the same as a tub of lard.- Yes.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46This is the perfect car for the job.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- Can't say that.- What?
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- You can't say that word, the C-word. - I didn't, did I?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Not that C-word, the other C-word. - Car?- Yes.
0:02:56 > 0:03:03- Car?- You can't say that, car here means gentleman's sausage.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- Really? What?- That's why they all watch Top Gear in Albania.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11- IN BAD ALBANIAN ACCENT:- Funnier even than Norman Wisdom, you make show about...
0:03:11 > 0:03:16- So when I say, "My car's enormous..." - That's the funniest thing in the world they've ever heard.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17They tune in every week.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- We do a car show. - Yes, but you can't say car or peach.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Peach?- Don't say peach?
0:03:23 > 0:03:29- What does that mean?- Lady garden. So this car's a peach is really bad.
0:03:32 > 0:03:38With the ground rules established, we headed inland into the rain to begin the road test.
0:03:40 > 0:03:46Let's get one thing absolutely clear from the start - the Ghost is not a bespoke Rolls-Royce,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48not like the Phantom, the bigger one.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52This one underneath is a BMW 7 Series.
0:03:52 > 0:03:58However, everything you see, everything you touch, everything you feel, it's all Rolls-Royce.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02It's chuffing marvellous, this ca...motor.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10At £160,000, the S Class is £40,000 less than the Ghost.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12But it's not like they have skimped.
0:04:12 > 0:04:18I've never driven anything where you get such a sense of there being a lot of things going on
0:04:18 > 0:04:22in the background, to keep you safe, to keep you on the road.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Everywhere I look there's a little light comes on to let you know -
0:04:25 > 0:04:28one there to tell me it's a 30 kilometre an hour speed limit around here.
0:04:28 > 0:04:35It just knows that and I have never experienced a car this big and so powerful.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40I can't believe I said car this big.
0:04:40 > 0:04:47In the Mulsanne, however... I must say I'm terribly disappointed by the Bentley.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50It is the most expensive...
0:04:50 > 0:04:56Oh, God, strewth! I'm going off. No, I managed to... Jesus wept!
0:04:58 > 0:05:02It is the most expensive penis of the three,
0:05:02 > 0:05:07£220,000, and from where I am sitting, it is hard to see why.
0:05:09 > 0:05:15Oh, crunch. What the hell were Bentley thinking of?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Even by Albanian standards, it was absolute rubbish.
0:05:24 > 0:05:30Until 1991, Albania was probably the most extreme Marxist state in the world.
0:05:32 > 0:05:38One man, who owned a cafe, got 18 years in jail for telling a customer he didn't have a spoon.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Another guy pointed at Corfu over there and said,
0:05:41 > 0:05:46"Why have they got a light in their harbour and we haven't?" He got 25 years.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53And soon we were reminded of the dark days because the road just sort of stopped.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58And to make things worse, instead of white lines, they'd used rocks.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Let's not view this as a bad thing, it is at least a chance to test the car's ride.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15As far as I'm concerned, the road merely changes colour occasionally.
0:06:15 > 0:06:21I am quite surprised because this is an AMG-tuned Merc, which you would expect to be a very firm thing.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25It's coping with this very well. However, in the Bentley...
0:06:29 > 0:06:33This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35This is simply intolerable.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40£220,000 for this. Oh, God, it's...
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Yeah, you got hooked up on a cat's eye, mate.
0:06:44 > 0:06:50- Let's - can we - if one pushes and two lift the wheel arches... - We just lift it off.- Heave!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53The bumper is in deep trouble here.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- Yes.- Just drive it back, hang on.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- That is wedged.- That's sad to see a Bentley treated in such a...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Nice(!) It's off.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Tough thing!
0:07:08 > 0:07:15Fortunately, the rough road soon ended. Unfortunately, it ended at an Albanian river crossing.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- That's not the ferry, is it?- Yes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23That's a raft, rather than a ferry, isn't it?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Still, it wasn't like the cars we'd be loading were valuable, or heavy.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33It's not even fastened together. It's driftwood.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Have seen the captain's chair?
0:07:35 > 0:07:41That's the most incredible thing I've seen - it's got five legs, it's got five legs.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Despite the peril, James volunteered to go first.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Ha-ha-ha!
0:07:48 > 0:07:53- No, no.- You're all right now.
0:08:01 > 0:08:07Oh, my God. What worries me is the Bentley is 2.8 tonnes, it's the heaviest by far.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Wow. I guess because it's in the middle, it didn't have the same effect.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16We're off.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21We are now leaving the shore on an old piece of flotsam with over half a million quids worth of cars.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23This is the best ferry I've ever been on.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- It is the worst I've ever been on. - This is the worst thing I've ever been on.- It's absolutely terrible.
0:08:26 > 0:08:32Eventually, HMS Driftwood deposited us gracefully on the other side.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Oh, no. And as we drove on, we realised that one
0:08:39 > 0:08:45benefit of the Mercedes, if you're a Mafia boss, is that you do blend in.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Mercedes. Mercedes.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Look at them all.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.
0:08:59 > 0:09:06It turns out that a staggering 80% of all cars registered in Albania are old Mercs.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09But that said, English cars are popular too -
0:09:09 > 0:09:14a point we discussed when we pulled over for afternoon tea.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22Apparently, what happens is, Albanians go to England,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26get a job, buy a car, and then bring it back with them here.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Right.- It is quite traditional when you bring a car back like that that you drive it
0:09:30 > 0:09:34around with the door locks pulled out and sometimes little marks along the back of the door, the trailing edge.
0:09:34 > 0:09:40- They have a tradition here of filing off any numbers they find under the bonnet.- That's to save weight.
0:09:40 > 0:09:47- Oh, is it?- Yes, that's why they do it, all the VIN numbers, identifying plates, that makes the car lighter.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- Oh I see. - Weight-saving measures are important.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Some of them, though, are stolen.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- No!- Give up!
0:09:53 > 0:09:59- I'm afraid they are.- After tea, the sun came out, so we hit the coast road and went for a nice cruise.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Well, it was nice for me.
0:10:09 > 0:10:16God! The power of this thing and the acceleration it makes possible is mind-blowing.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20It's weird, actually, because it's so quiet.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25There's always noise when you go fast and yet, in this, there really isn't.
0:10:25 > 0:10:32The beans, oh! It doesn't encourage you to be sporty, or aggressive.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37It's just so nice.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39It's nice in the Rolls-Royce.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43But then my nice time was ruined by news from the Bentley.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Oh, no, the Mulsanne is overheating.
0:10:47 > 0:10:54We stopped to let the twin turbo V8 cool, but then...it decided to die.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55ENGINE WON'T TICK OVER
0:10:55 > 0:10:59No. So I tried a reverse bump start.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- He's done that wrong.- The brakes!
0:11:02 > 0:11:03No.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09The door mirror's come off!
0:11:09 > 0:11:13It's suddenly dawned upon me that he isn't very bright.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18I think he could be a massive idiot.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21The door mirror!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- How long will he go before...? - Well...
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Oh, no.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Just get it away from the wall.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33It's the steepest hill in Albania you've broken down on.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38While we examined the engine, the orang-utan tried to mend the door.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Then an Albanian mechanic arrived and Jeremy filled him in.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Running, then stop.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53That describes most breakdowns.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Running and then stop, you idiot!
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Don't say to that man, "My car needs a jump."
0:11:58 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Yes. Yes.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06The Bentley is running well.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11It had been a long and tiring day on the road, but for Hammond, that was OK.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16This S Class has a new system on board.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19It just monitors the driver to make sure he or she isn't getting sleepy,
0:12:19 > 0:12:25or wandering out of the lane, or nodding off, and it's monitoring 70 different parameters about me.
0:12:25 > 0:12:31That must include whether or not I like different types of cheese, or if I'm thinking about hats.
0:12:31 > 0:12:39I was on life-support in an intensive care unit and they weren't monitoring 70 things about me.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Soon, we arrived at a disused submarine base.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56And Jeremy insisted we should stop.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00I am a mountain goat. Oh!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- LAUGHTER - That was close.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- Yes. - I love the idea of sneaky warfare.
0:13:05 > 0:13:11If there were to be a war tomorrow, and I had to volunteer for some service, definitely subs.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Which is ironic - can you imagine a place where you'd be less welcome.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I wonder if they're for sale.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20What are you going to do with a submarine, Jeremy?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Well, drive about in it.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29With the sun going down, I was dragged away from the sub pen
0:13:29 > 0:13:31so we could get back to our Mafia road test.
0:13:31 > 0:13:38We've had a discussion, and we reckon that when someone from the Albanian Mafia
0:13:38 > 0:13:45is choosing a new car, uppermost in his mind will be this: "Can I get a dead body in the boot?"
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- Makes sense. - That is why the car has a boot.
0:13:48 > 0:13:54- Stands to reason.- Unfortunately, to find out which of the cars is best, we've had to murder a passer-by.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Yeah. And here he is.
0:13:56 > 0:14:01As you can see, he's quite a big chap, so he took a lot of murdering.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03And now James is going to see
0:14:03 > 0:14:06if he can get him in the boot of the Rolls-Royce.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- Am I?- Yes.- You go first, yes.- OK.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15That's a good start. Look at that.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- What?- He was a member of a gym.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- He was not!- Could we have murdered someone a bit smaller?- Not really.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24- He was the only one we could catch. - Anyone smaller would have been faster.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Come on, James, the police could be on their way.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I can't lift him up. Three, two, one and up.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33No, it's not working.
0:14:33 > 0:14:40OK. This was hopeless. So rather embarrassingly, we had to ask the man we murdered to give us a hand.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44It's not so much the head, but everything else.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49All we have to do now is saw his leg. Wait a minute.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Just get that in there.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52- Bend that back round there.- Yes!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Yes!- Yes. Excellent.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59The great thing about the Rolls-Royce is, it has self-levelling rear suspension,
0:14:59 > 0:15:04so when the boot is shut you won't know from the way it's riding that there is a body in there.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Except the boot won't go down.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Right, you get him out and put him in the back of the Benz.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Get him out?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15'Sadly, there's a fridge in the boot of the Merc,
0:15:15 > 0:15:20'which takes up a lot of room.' Is that it? Can you move that knee?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23No chance!
0:15:23 > 0:15:25That meant our dead body wouldn't fit.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Nobody wants to see that.
0:15:28 > 0:15:34And even though he did fit in the Bentley, there was still a problem.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39Mate, you can see him. Look.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40- That is a drawback.- Clearly.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43You might as well just put him in the passenger seat.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45APPLAUSE
0:15:48 > 0:15:52James, Richard, bad news.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- What?- Do you see the girl with the red beret on?- Yeah.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- She's from Albania.- Hello!
0:15:58 > 0:16:04And can we just ask, is it right that the word "car" means...
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Yes.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:09And "peach"?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- INAUDIBLE - Yes.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- I thought you'd made it up. - No, we didn't make it up.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- She's actually from Albania. - Fair enough.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I have got some more information on this, er...
0:16:21 > 0:16:26You know in the film I said that some of the cars might be stolen?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- I know, you did, that was shocking! - Yes, it was.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Anyway, I've got some information here on it.
0:16:31 > 0:16:37Albania's public order minister was on his way to Greece to sign an agreement with his opposite number
0:16:37 > 0:16:43on cross-border crime, and as a formality the Greek police did a check on his car and it was nicked.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47And just so I balance this out,
0:16:47 > 0:16:53neighbouring Macedonia, the interior minister was very embarrassed
0:16:53 > 0:16:58when police noticed her car was actually registered to David Beckham.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59That happens to footballers a lot.
0:16:59 > 0:17:05Two AC Milan players had their Range Rovers nicked. D'you know where they turned up?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Bournemouth?- No, it was Albania. - Was it really?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12- It was.- I have to say - and not just because you're here -
0:17:12 > 0:17:17genuinely, Albania is a fascinating, brilliant country, very pretty too.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- Beautiful.- Anyway, it's now time to do the news. We begin with this.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Honda, which is a Japanese car company,
0:17:24 > 0:17:31they've developed a hat that knows what your hair is thinking
0:17:31 > 0:17:36and then translates those thoughts in such a way that it can drive the car.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41- Have you gone completely mad?- No, seriously, I absolutely haven't.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46- They say that hair transmits neurological information.- Yeah.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50The hat picks that up, translates it, so if you think, "I'd like to turn the wipers on,"
0:17:50 > 0:17:52your hat knows that and the wipers go on.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- Cos your hair tells you.- Your hair?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57LAUGHTER
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Your hair cannot drive a car.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- Your hair isn't very good at being hair!- In fairness, really.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06What if you'd had a hair transplant?
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Gordon Ramsay!
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- Yeah, exactly.- Gordon Ramsay, no, wait, wait, wait! Think about it,
0:18:11 > 0:18:18if he's stopped for speeding, he can go, "It wasn't me, I bought my hair from a man in Los Angeles."
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Are we heading for a future where a policeman stops you and says,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- "Do you know how fast your hair was going, sir?"- It's out of my hands.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29- Does it have to be your hair... on your head...- Enough!- If I buy some pants?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31What, Honda pants?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35But imagine, 17-year-olds think down there a lot, don't they?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Imagine a 17-year-old boy driving with his pubes.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- A million miles an hour! It'd be terrifying.- Listen...
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Ferrari - let's get it back to cars.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Ferrari has made a new car. It's their first-ever 4-wheel drive car,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51their first-ever hatchback.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54There's a picture here, it's called the FF.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59It's got a V12 direct-injection engine, 6.2 litre,
0:18:59 > 0:19:04208 miles an hour, it's going to cost £250,000, which is a lot,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07but I think that's fantastic. It's a return to what I call
0:19:07 > 0:19:10the shooting brake, the two-plus-two estate.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13We haven't seen one of those since the Lancia HPE.
0:19:13 > 0:19:19Ooh, yes. And do you remember the Volvo P1800ES?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- That wasn't very brilliant, though. - No, it was terrible, but it looked good.
0:19:22 > 0:19:28- It looked brilliant.- And the Reliant Scimitar, which you can see... - Ah-hum! You've forgotten the rules!
0:19:28 > 0:19:33The law of the land states, if you say "Reliant Scimitar" you have to have a comma and then say...
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Princess Anne has one of those, you know?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39But you say it in such a way that you assume no-one else knows.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43It's extraordinary, I can't think of another person who is so associated with a car.
0:19:43 > 0:19:49Nobody ever says, "Henry Kissinger had an Escort RS2000." He didn't, though, did he, let's be honest.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52She is commonly thought of as being the hardest working Royal.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53She does a lot of work for a lot of people,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56raises millions of pounds all over the world.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Yet she's still just known for having a Reliant Scimitar. It must be annoying.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04If you think about it - her daughter is getting married later this year.h
0:20:04 > 0:20:08You just know the commentary. They'll wheel out a Dimbleby and the commentary will be,
0:20:08 > 0:20:12"There's the bride's mother looking radiant - she has a Reliant Scimitar, you know."
0:20:12 > 0:20:17- It will.- I've never driven a Reliant Scimitar, you know?
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- I know someone who's got one.- Do you?- Yeah, Princess Anne.- Oh, right.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Right, that is the end of the news.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Now, what we have here is a Ford Sierra Cosworth and a Ford Escort Cosworth.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34I like these cars very much, which is why I am delighted to say
0:20:34 > 0:20:39that after a 15-year gap, the Cosworth name is back.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43But not where you might be expecting it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Here it is, on the back of a Subaru.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58And in theory, that's a marriage
0:20:58 > 0:21:00made in heaven.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05You see, what Cosworth is really good at is taking ordinary, boring family saloons
0:21:05 > 0:21:09and turning them into street-fighting,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12come-on-if-you-think-you're hard-enough road racers
0:21:12 > 0:21:17with fiery nostrils and a Geordie Saturday night attitude to peace and love.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26But what they've done here is take a dreary Impreza SDI
0:21:26 > 0:21:29and throw most of it away.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37The 2.5 litre flat-four engine is fitted with new pistons, bearings,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39conrods, gaskets and head nuts,
0:21:39 > 0:21:43along with a totally reworked oil pump, turbo charger,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46intercooler, intake system and exhaust.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50There have been similar modifications elsewhere - new wheels, tyres,
0:21:50 > 0:21:54springs, dampers, bushings and brakes.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58It's not really a Subaru any more, is it?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00HE LAUGHS
0:22:01 > 0:22:04So, is it any good?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06In a word, quite.
0:22:06 > 0:22:12Certainly, it does capture some of the magic we used to get from old Subaru Imprezas.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Whoo-hoo-hoo!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Even when you think all is lost -
0:22:24 > 0:22:29sliding - oh, no, you just give it a dab of power, like that,
0:22:29 > 0:22:34and even in rain like this, it isn't lost any more.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Other nice things?
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Well, it rides beautifully for such a limpet mine, and it is quick.
0:22:52 > 0:22:550-60 takes 3.5 seconds.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01But there's a huge amount of turbo lag.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I'm now in fifth gear, 60mph, foot down...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07..nothing.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Still nothing.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Hang on a minute, hang on...
0:23:14 > 0:23:17No, I was mistaken, sorry, still nothing.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20There is another issue, too.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25Cosworths are supposed to be rough-and-ready cars for people who work with ladders.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28They're supposed to be a cheap-and-cheerful way
0:23:28 > 0:23:31of embarrassing the Ruperts and the Joneses in their Ferraris,
0:23:31 > 0:23:36but this is as near as makes no difference £50,000,
0:23:36 > 0:23:41and with all that turbo lag, all you're going to embarrass really is...yourself.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Still nothing.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Still nothing.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51So, if the Subaru's no good, what else is there?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Well, there's this.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05It's the Ford Focus RS500, and let's not mess about...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08it's brilliant.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Ha-ha!
0:24:17 > 0:24:24It has a 2.5 litre turbo-charged engine, just like the Subaru,
0:24:24 > 0:24:30not quite as powerful, but you still get 345 brake horsepower...
0:24:33 > 0:24:35..all of which is sent to the front wheels.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43That sounds like the recipe for a massive accident.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- TYRES SQUEAL - But it isn't.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47This is really very, very good.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53Of course, you do get a fair bit of torque steer.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Watch the steering wheel when I put my foot down. Hands off, here we go,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59and...yeah, we've turned right.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03And right again. Every time the turbo cuts in, you turn right.
0:25:03 > 0:25:09But, thanks to a clever front differential, the grip is incredible.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21It's also extremely fast.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27The top speed, they say, is 165mph.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31165 - that means this Ford Focus
0:25:31 > 0:25:37is 10mph faster than a BMW M5.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Since that is now 150...
0:25:41 > 0:25:42155...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44yeah, I'll believe them.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51This is a really well-sorted car.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57Well-equipped too, with voice activated keyless Bluetooth.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01And to top it off, it's £35,000,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04nearly £15,000 less than the Subaru.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07So if you're after a family hatchback
0:26:07 > 0:26:13that's vaguely yobbish and very fast, this is your obvious choice.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Or is it?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33This is a Volvo.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36But, before you leap to conclusions...
0:26:38 > 0:26:39..watch this.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I'm in the Volvo!
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- Go!- It's a good start.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57And look at this!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02The Hush Puppy is beating the Reeboks.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Oh, yes! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Yes!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13The pensioner is victorious.
0:27:20 > 0:27:27So, what is it, then, this deafening, electric-blue streak from the frozen North?
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Well, it uses exactly the same turbo-charged 2.5 litre engine
0:27:35 > 0:27:41that Ford use in the hot Focus, but in this it's all turned up to 27...
0:27:41 > 0:27:45or 86 or 109 because it produces,
0:27:45 > 0:27:47as near as makes no difference,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49400 horsepower.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Small wonder they called it the PCP
0:27:56 > 0:28:00cos it really is like driving around in a cloud of angel dust.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Brrrrrrrr!
0:28:09 > 0:28:10ENGINE ROARS
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Listen to that!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13ENGINE ROARS
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Of course, you probably think it will all fall to pieces
0:28:18 > 0:28:20when it sees a corner. But, no.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29It has, I'm delighted to say on a day like today, four-wheel-drive,
0:28:29 > 0:28:35so the grip is just phenomenal and you can reach amazing angles
0:28:35 > 0:28:36and still rescue it.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43It was built for fun by the team that makes the Volvos
0:28:43 > 0:28:47for the Swedish Touring Car Championship
0:28:47 > 0:28:48and it is genuinely remarkable.
0:28:48 > 0:28:53Really sharp, really hard, really raw,
0:28:53 > 0:28:56and it just goes like the clappers.
0:29:02 > 0:29:07To top it all off, the PCP is based on a normal Volvo C30,
0:29:07 > 0:29:09which we on Top Gear think is the best-looking
0:29:09 > 0:29:12of all the small hatchbacks.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16Inside, the steering wheel, the gear lever, the doors,
0:29:16 > 0:29:20the seats, everything, is covered in what appears to be mole skin.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24And that does make you wonder how big was the mole
0:29:24 > 0:29:27they peeled to make this piece?
0:29:32 > 0:29:38This car is epic, but there is one quite large problem with it.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Volvo refuses point blank to put it into production.
0:29:44 > 0:29:45Pity.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50APPLAUSE
0:29:50 > 0:29:57- Wow. It's a shame. That Volvo does just sound incredible.- Amazing.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00But because they're not actually making it, you would have the Focus?
0:30:00 > 0:30:05The problem is, they only made 500 of these and they're sold out.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Right. So if you want a very hot hatch, it's got to be
0:30:07 > 0:30:09the not so good Subaru?
0:30:09 > 0:30:14They only made 75 of those and they are sold out, as well.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18Hang on, you have just spent nine minutes of our lives
0:30:18 > 0:30:21reviewing two cars you can't buy and one that doesn't exist?
0:30:21 > 0:30:23- Yes, I have.- Thank you.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27Yes, I have. Now, we must find out how fast they go round our track.
0:30:27 > 0:30:31Not the Volvo, because this board is for production cars only,
0:30:31 > 0:30:33so, the other two.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36That, of course, means handing them to our tame racing driver.
0:30:36 > 0:30:42Some say he once tore a goat in half
0:30:42 > 0:30:46and that he's now regretting buying his new holiday home
0:30:46 > 0:30:48in downtown Cairo.
0:30:48 > 0:30:49LAUGHTER
0:30:49 > 0:30:52All we know is, he's called the Stig.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56And they're off. The track is damp and that should mean
0:30:56 > 0:30:59the four-wheel-drive Subaru has the advantage over
0:30:59 > 0:31:00the front-wheel-drive Ford.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Let's see in the first corner.
0:31:02 > 0:31:07Coming in wide and... let's have a look.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Oh, it's the Imprezza, getting out of shape.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13# Going loco down in Acapulco... #
0:31:13 > 0:31:17Absolutely no idea why he is listening to that.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21Now, the Ford coming out there, looking OK, good.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24That trick dif pulling it straight in the Hammerhead.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Let's watch out for understeer from either of them...
0:31:28 > 0:31:29No, all pretty tidy.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33So, here we are, two turbo-charged slingshots on to the straight.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Into Follow-through...
0:31:41 > 0:31:45Ooh, Stig drifting the Subaru like a mad one!
0:31:46 > 0:31:48Imprezzas normally look like a gum disease.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51This one is a gum disease with a spoiler on it.
0:31:51 > 0:31:55And with those blacked windows, the Ford looks like a van.
0:31:55 > 0:31:56Just Gambon left.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Two hatchback drabs coming through there.
0:32:01 > 0:32:02And across the line!
0:32:02 > 0:32:04APPLAUSE
0:32:04 > 0:32:09I have the times here. And the Focus did it
0:32:09 > 0:32:14in 1.30.8. So, wet track, in between two 911s.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17The Subaru, though, I think, thanks to four-wheel-drive, did it in
0:32:17 > 0:32:231.27.7, so that goes there, look.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26That's some useful consumer advice, if you are thinking of buying
0:32:26 > 0:32:29- any of them, which you aren't, because you can't.- Thanks(!)
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Let's move on now. It's time, in fact, to put a star
0:32:32 > 0:32:34in our reasonably-priced car.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37My guest tonight is a prodigious tweeter.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40He tweeted only this morning to say he was going to appear
0:32:40 > 0:32:42on the show dressed as a Mexican.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43LAUGHTER
0:32:43 > 0:32:46Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jonathan Ross!
0:32:46 > 0:32:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Hello, Jeremy.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56- Very well. How are you?- I'm good. - Have a seat.
0:32:57 > 0:32:58What?
0:32:58 > 0:33:01I brought my Mexican wrestling mask along,
0:33:01 > 0:33:04so you can apologise in person.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Put it away.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09There's just no possibility of us mentioning Mexico this week.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13We mentioned it maybe twice, I think we have got away with it. You are back on the BBC?
0:33:13 > 0:33:17I'm back, who thought that would happen? Not me. I had 20 quid on it.
0:33:19 > 0:33:20Are you a bit nervous?
0:33:20 > 0:33:22No. Why, should I be?
0:33:22 > 0:33:23No, back on the Beeb.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25I thought you were going to come out to me.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29At least you have chosen to come back on a show
0:33:29 > 0:33:31- that never gets into trouble. - Exactly.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33- And I'm a safe booking for you. - Exactly.
0:33:33 > 0:33:38Listen....do you have Tourette's or do you know what you're doing?
0:33:38 > 0:33:40BLEEP BLEEP, you BLEEP!
0:33:40 > 0:33:41LAUGHTER
0:33:41 > 0:33:45Oh no, I don't. Did that come out?
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Yeah, you said it out loud.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49For me, that was just in there.
0:33:49 > 0:33:53No, I don't have Tourette's, Mr Clarkson, but I do sometimes
0:33:53 > 0:33:55maybe go a little bit further than other people.
0:33:55 > 0:33:59I always thought that was part of what I should do.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03You are paid to do certain things and feel you should push things in a certain way and put it out.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07You had David Cameron on the show and asked him if - what's the word
0:34:07 > 0:34:11I can use? - pleasured himself while thinking about Mrs Thatcher?
0:34:11 > 0:34:13- Yes.- You did say that?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15And then there was Gwyneth Paltrow.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18You said you would like to make a bouncy-bouncy!
0:34:18 > 0:34:22Look, when you were driven round by Cameron Diaz,
0:34:22 > 0:34:25- what were you thinking?- Oh.
0:34:25 > 0:34:26Yes.
0:34:26 > 0:34:27LAUGHTER
0:34:27 > 0:34:31- We know what you were thinking. - Many bad things.- You didn't say it out loud, but I was...
0:34:31 > 0:34:35The show I had on the BBC, certainly part of the fun of it and part of what we were doing
0:34:35 > 0:34:38was doing something very much of the moment and that was the joke.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41I would stand by that, even though that was one of the complaints upheld,
0:34:41 > 0:34:47- not made by Cameron, by the way. who I would still love to... - Cameron? David Cameron?
0:34:47 > 0:34:49- Cameron Diaz.- Oh, Cameron Diaz!
0:34:49 > 0:34:53I thought you were coming out to David Cameron - a terrifying prospect.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56I'd rather come out to Nick Clegg. He looks so much easier to dominate!
0:34:59 > 0:35:02We are living in strange times. We must be careful that we don't
0:35:02 > 0:35:04trip up over anybody, which means...
0:35:04 > 0:35:06We can't talk about anything.
0:35:06 > 0:35:07Well, your beard...
0:35:07 > 0:35:11- Lovely.- We might upset beards and beardmen.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- Why have you grown a beard? - Why have I grown a beard?- Mmm.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17It's easier than getting up and shaving, for a start,
0:35:17 > 0:35:20because you only do this - zzz, zzz, zzz. I did take a really big chunk
0:35:20 > 0:35:22out the bottom the other day,
0:35:22 > 0:35:24because I've got one where you set it and it takes a bit,
0:35:24 > 0:35:28but I had it on the wrong one, my wife was talking, I went, "Yes, darling." and I had
0:35:28 > 0:35:29a reverse Mohawk, with a big stripe up there.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32The opposite of a Brazilian?
0:35:32 > 0:35:35Yes, I do use the same one down there, to trim up the old fella,
0:35:35 > 0:35:38because otherwise you get to our age and you can't see anything there.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42I should explain, we are - we don't look it - but we are the same age.
0:35:42 > 0:35:43Man, what happened to you?!
0:35:43 > 0:35:46LAUGHTER
0:35:46 > 0:35:49- Well, I'm now...- You were going there, I had to get in first!
0:35:49 > 0:35:51- I now walk up stairs.- Do you? - Yeah. Have you never walked up?
0:35:51 > 0:35:55What did you used to do - crawl on your belly like a snake?
0:35:55 > 0:35:57No, do you not do exercise?
0:35:57 > 0:35:59I do. I'm quite strong at the moment, but a bit flabby.
0:35:59 > 0:36:03Can you do those things where you lie on the floor, you basically do
0:36:03 > 0:36:06- a press up and then just hold it there?- A plank, yes.- You cannot.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09What's wrong with you? You made out of jelly ?
0:36:10 > 0:36:13- Get your clock out. - Get your BLEEP out?! I'm going.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16- At least my hearing's still working! - What's wrong with you?!
0:36:16 > 0:36:20Get down on the floor. I bet you I can do one for longer. Go!
0:36:20 > 0:36:23LAUGHTER
0:36:23 > 0:36:27- I can be here for hours.- I can be here for hours. Are you in a rush?
0:36:27 > 0:36:30- My arms are starting to wobble quite badly now.- They're not.- They are.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38That was just bullying!
0:36:38 > 0:36:39APPLAUSE
0:36:39 > 0:36:43- Otherwise, we would have been there for hours. - I can do that, literally, all day.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46- That is not an exercise. - It is an exercise.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48That is not an exercise. All you have done is freeze
0:36:48 > 0:36:50your joints in place, that's not an exercise.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58- Give me a minute.- It is hard, isn't it?- I'm sweating quite badly.
0:36:58 > 0:37:03You grow this. Now we have passed 50, this has just appeared.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07I have no clue what you're saying. I want to talk about cars. People buy cars for different reasons.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11I buy them because they're loud, James May buys them because they're brown.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13Looking at yours, you buy them because they're stupid.
0:37:13 > 0:37:18Well, you might think stupid, but one man's stupid is another man's cute and fun.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21- Pink Ford Thunderbird? - I've got the Thunderbird.
0:37:21 > 0:37:22It is quite stupid.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26No, it's pretty. I don't like driving around seeing all cars look the same.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29I like Hammond, what's happened to him recently? He's got very...
0:37:29 > 0:37:32- In what way?- He looks like - imagine if you asked a girlie girl
0:37:32 > 0:37:34to decorate a scarecrow, that's him.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36LAUGHTER
0:37:36 > 0:37:39- Somebody's bought him an Adam and the Ants video. - He's wearing a necklace.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41# Stand and deliver. #
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Does he think he's on his gap-year?
0:37:43 > 0:37:44LAUGHTER
0:37:44 > 0:37:48At least May, you know he's going to be dull before you see him.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50MAY: I don't much like Jonathan Ross, he's much too flamboyant.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52He didn't like me at all.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Stop changing the subject. Pink Thunderbird?
0:37:55 > 0:37:58It's coral pink and I love convertibles.
0:37:58 > 0:38:02If it's not raining, even if it's Arctic, I will have... in the snow, I had my roof down.
0:38:02 > 0:38:06Just tell me, when you are driving along then and people can see it is you and everything...
0:38:06 > 0:38:07BEEP, BEEP
0:38:07 > 0:38:13- Are people appreciative or do they say other things?- They love it. "Hey, Wossy", all the time.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15The other ones - a Messerschmitt and a bubble car.
0:38:15 > 0:38:19- Is that two...- The Messerschmitt has got the seat behind each other.
0:38:19 > 0:38:23It's like a two-stroke engine, but it's really weird, because if you want to go in reverse,
0:38:23 > 0:38:27you press the key and when you do the ignition, the solenoid drops to the back.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30- So you can get in fourth gear in reverse.- You can.
0:38:30 > 0:38:34You can go to something like 50mph in reverse in something which is like a lunchbox.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36LAUGHTER
0:38:36 > 0:38:40You've got kids, family and all that. There's nothing in that list where you say,
0:38:40 > 0:38:42"Come on, kids, I'll take you in..."
0:38:42 > 0:38:45The one we use for the family is the car we have had the longest,
0:38:45 > 0:38:48which is, we've got a Toyota Previa, bought second hand 12 years ago,
0:38:48 > 0:38:52and we've had any number of scrapes in it. The dogs have been sick,
0:38:52 > 0:38:54people have dropped drinks everywhere.
0:38:54 > 0:38:59I think my wife did a wee once on a long journey. We've all done it!
0:38:59 > 0:39:02I was saying to her the other day, "You know what is a brilliant idea,
0:39:02 > 0:39:06"we should get together and get some business, go and see the Dragons." If you had a car seat,
0:39:06 > 0:39:08on a long journey, pull out a little thing and it's a potty.
0:39:08 > 0:39:13Then when you go along, press a button, a little panel opens up underneath the car like on a plane,
0:39:13 > 0:39:16drops the poo and the wee out on the motorway.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Or outside someone's house you don't like.
0:39:21 > 0:39:25I think we've managed to get through the interview part of the interview without too much of a problem.
0:39:25 > 0:39:26Thank Allah for that!
0:39:26 > 0:39:28LAUGHTER
0:39:28 > 0:39:30That's fine. That's all right. That's positive.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33That's all encompassing, that is multi-cultural.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36If you do have a problem, write to us, at Jonathan Ross, ITV.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42- So we get on now, of course, to your lap.- Yes.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44The last time you were here, you got lost.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46No, I didn't get lost.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49Well...you stopped at the Hammerhead and went like this...
0:39:49 > 0:39:54Because I couldn't... All right, because there was no-one there to give directions and the
0:39:54 > 0:39:57track had disappeared under a large, let's call it a lake, shall we?
0:39:57 > 0:40:02It was a very rainy day, and I went, apparently, over the line.
0:40:02 > 0:40:06Because you are clearly threatened by me, the Alpha male, you took time off me for that reason.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09You've got that arthritis in your finger.
0:40:09 > 0:40:13No, this is a tragic story from my youth. I chopped the top of my finger off when I was two,
0:40:13 > 0:40:16because my mum had gone out to borrow food from the neighbours -
0:40:16 > 0:40:20this sounds so bleak and poverty-ridden - I apparently crawled to the bin
0:40:20 > 0:40:24and got a can of beans out and then sliced my finger off on the top.
0:40:24 > 0:40:28- And you see the stitch marks, if you look closely.- Look at that.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30I did mine skiing in St Moritz!
0:40:30 > 0:40:32LAUGHTER
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Anyway, who would like to see Jonathan's lap?
0:40:36 > 0:40:37ALL: Yes!
0:40:37 > 0:40:39Let's have a look.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Right. Ooh, I say we're determined.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45- Is that a good start?- Ish.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48I think Clarkson arranges bad weather for me.
0:40:49 > 0:40:54Here we go into the first corner, still going round it...
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Is that good, I can't tell?
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Well, not very fast, but sometimes...
0:40:58 > 0:41:02# I'm turning in nice and I'm braking now, baby. #
0:41:02 > 0:41:07..sometimes when a car looks slow, it is actually quite fast.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Boom. Third. Up.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13- Here we go. - You have slowed that footage down.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15This is very slow through here.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18That's a good corner, that's good cornering.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21That's where you got lost last time. You've done well - got out of it.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25- I was trying to go to third and I went into fifth.- Showboating.
0:41:25 > 0:41:26I was in BLEEP fourth.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28I put it in the wrong gear.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31- Fourth sounds about right, fifth, there.- Pretty good.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34This is better. And missed the BLEEP tyres.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Whoa!
0:41:37 > 0:41:40The reason you look so slow is because you are quite slow.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43Where are you going now?!
0:41:43 > 0:41:45He told me to do that. Stig told me to do that.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49He wouldn't tell you to go off on the grass. You are lost again.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52I didn't want to miss the opportunity to see the greenery.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57- There we go, across the line. - Was that my best one?
0:41:57 > 0:42:01It's a combination of various shots to illustrate your driving style.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04It's harder than it looks. It is harder than it looks.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06- It isn't easy. - What did I do last time?
0:42:06 > 0:42:08I bet I've beaten my last time.
0:42:08 > 0:42:13- I was low last time.- You were really low last time. Let's do it.
0:42:13 > 0:42:19Last time you were here, you did it in one minute 57 seconds, which would have put you about here.
0:42:19 > 0:42:23- That was a lot slower, that car. This is a faster car.- Yeah.
0:42:23 > 0:42:261.57. This time you did it...
0:42:27 > 0:42:28..one minute...
0:42:29 > 0:42:35- ..49 dead.- Yes!
0:42:35 > 0:42:37- That is a big improvement. - I'm up there with Jeff Goldblum.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42- Yes! Thank you! - And you were in the wet.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45- That's good. I'm pleased with that. - Congratulations.- Pretty good.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47You have improved massively.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49You're still quite slow.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52- I did better, though. - You did, but the thing is,
0:42:52 > 0:42:57we also have another little bit of footage to demonstrate that you're not really a car man.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00- Well, listen, no. I know how to drive.- I don't think you do.
0:43:00 > 0:43:05Nor does it, it seems, do you know how to get out of a car.
0:43:05 > 0:43:10- It was too impossible to get out of. - Would you like to see Jonathan trying to get out of a car?
0:43:10 > 0:43:13I wondered why they made me pull over there to climb out.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15Here we go - Jonathan getting out of the car.
0:43:15 > 0:43:19BLEEP. I broke it. I broke something.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21Ha-ha-ha!
0:43:24 > 0:43:25He's out!
0:43:25 > 0:43:27- Yes! - CHEERING
0:43:27 > 0:43:29That was hard. That was...
0:43:29 > 0:43:33You need to take part in Le Mans where quick driver changes are important. Say no.
0:43:33 > 0:43:37- It's hard to get out of a car like that and you've put things in the way!- Say no
0:43:37 > 0:43:40to any race involving a driver change or indeed any race.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43I'll come back and try and slowly crawl up that pole of yours.
0:43:43 > 0:43:47- Oh, come on! This show won't be running that long. - LAUGHTER
0:43:47 > 0:43:53- It's been fantastic having you back. - It's lovely being back.- Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Ross.- Thank you.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56Great fun. Thank you very much. You've been very kind.
0:43:56 > 0:43:58Thank you.
0:44:05 > 0:44:08Right, back to the main story.
0:44:08 > 0:44:13We've had a letter from a leading light in the Albanian Mafia asking us to find out which is best -
0:44:13 > 0:44:20a Rolls, a Merc or a Yugo which, for complicated reasons, Jeremy is using as a Bentley.
0:44:20 > 0:44:22Yeah. And he would not stop moaning about it.
0:44:22 > 0:44:25- You wouldn't stop moaning about our interest in history.- Yeah.
0:44:25 > 0:44:30Good point there. Word to the wise, never go on a trip with two OLD men
0:44:30 > 0:44:34- who keep getting teary-eyed about the Cold War.- Never go on a trip
0:44:34 > 0:44:38anywhere with someone who believes the whole world should be like Birmingham.
0:44:47 > 0:44:49It's market day obviously - that's nice.
0:44:50 > 0:44:54Taking a wheelbarrow, shovel handles and lettuce.
0:44:56 > 0:44:58These little tiny patches of land
0:44:58 > 0:45:02each with the little tiny house on it, and people farming it, is that to do with Communism?
0:45:04 > 0:45:06He is the stupidest man in the world.
0:45:06 > 0:45:08I assume it is.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15Ooh, I've seen control towers over there.
0:45:17 > 0:45:20I want to go and play on a Cold War airfield.
0:45:20 > 0:45:22Oh no.
0:45:24 > 0:45:30'The airfield was abandoned, so assuming straight line speed would be important to a Mafia boss
0:45:30 > 0:45:34'we lined the cars up on the runway for a drag race.'
0:45:35 > 0:45:38This is pure Mercedes territory we're in now.
0:45:38 > 0:45:43The S Class might have the smallest engine of the three, a mere six litres,
0:45:43 > 0:45:49but that twin turbo-charged V12 belts out 604 brake horsepower
0:45:49 > 0:45:52and 737 torques.
0:45:54 > 0:45:58On paper, Hammond is right, the Mercedes ought to monster it.
0:45:58 > 0:46:05But the Rolls-Royce does have 563bhp AND it has eight gears
0:46:05 > 0:46:09where the Mercedes has only five so this will stay on the power better.
0:46:09 > 0:46:11Anybody's race, this.
0:46:11 > 0:46:13Well, not ANYONE'S.
0:46:15 > 0:46:16ENGINES REV
0:46:16 > 0:46:20ENGINE FAILS TO TICK OVER
0:46:20 > 0:46:21Can I have a push?
0:46:21 > 0:46:23This is not customary, is it?
0:46:23 > 0:46:26I want to get it going and then we'll have the race.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29Yeah. Go! Come on, put your back into it.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31ENGINE STARTS Right...
0:46:31 > 0:46:33What?! He's gone!
0:46:33 > 0:46:35Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:46:35 > 0:46:38They weren't expecting me to do that.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40What kind of drag race is that?!
0:46:40 > 0:46:43Now, come on, Bentley, come on.
0:46:43 > 0:46:44We have the advantage.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47Give me a gear. Right.
0:46:47 > 0:46:51Three, two, one.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54TYRES SQUEAL
0:46:54 > 0:46:56Woah!
0:46:56 > 0:47:01- God that Mercedes is quick. Look at that!- This thing is unbelievably fast!
0:47:04 > 0:47:06100kph.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10Bentley now up to 130...
0:47:10 > 0:47:14Oh! Holy moly!
0:47:14 > 0:47:15240 kilometres an hour!
0:47:15 > 0:47:19153, 4, 5, 6, 7...
0:47:25 > 0:47:27260 kilometres an hour!
0:47:32 > 0:47:36That is actually quite a big adrenaline hit. Oh...
0:47:36 > 0:47:42Quite interesting, the runway here is...has got crazy paving, and some of the slabs are mined
0:47:42 > 0:47:47so they can be detonated should Albania be invaded by a country that wants its, um,
0:47:47 > 0:47:50watermelons. We're doing 70 now.
0:47:53 > 0:47:57'With the drag race done, I thought we should move on.
0:47:57 > 0:48:01'But I had forgotten I was on tour with Brezhnev and Khrushchev.'
0:48:01 > 0:48:04James, you are in for a surprise.
0:48:04 > 0:48:06Oh, bloody hell!
0:48:09 > 0:48:12- Oh, God!- Oh...God...
0:48:12 > 0:48:13Those are MiG-15s.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15This is astonishing.
0:48:15 > 0:48:17That's a 19.
0:48:17 > 0:48:18Look at that!
0:48:18 > 0:48:20I mean, there's a lot of MiGs here,
0:48:20 > 0:48:23really a lot of MiGs.
0:48:32 > 0:48:34The drag race has murdered it.
0:48:35 > 0:48:37Come on, shut that, let's look at this.
0:48:37 > 0:48:41I've never been in a better place to let an engine cool.
0:48:41 > 0:48:45- Oh!- So these are MiG-15s? - No, that's a 19.
0:48:45 > 0:48:47- This is a 19?- Yeah.
0:48:47 > 0:48:51While those two are re-living their Cold War fantasies,
0:48:51 > 0:48:53let me talk you through some features of the S Class.
0:48:53 > 0:48:55For a start, I can a adjust
0:48:55 > 0:48:57the seat sides down here,
0:48:57 > 0:49:00the backrest sides, the lumbar overall,
0:49:00 > 0:49:02the lumbar cushioning, the shoulders.
0:49:02 > 0:49:05Then I access the massage menu because I have a choice -
0:49:05 > 0:49:07slow and gentle, slow and vigorous, fast and gentle,
0:49:07 > 0:49:09or fast and vigorous.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Ooh.
0:49:11 > 0:49:15It's got... The ejector seat handles are where your right shin is.
0:49:15 > 0:49:18This is just... Honestly I have never been anywhere...
0:49:18 > 0:49:20- Albania is like a museum.- It is.
0:49:20 > 0:49:23Opening the boot lid, it can be done with a key fob,
0:49:23 > 0:49:26or it can be done remotely from within the car.
0:49:26 > 0:49:27But you don't want to just open it
0:49:27 > 0:49:30because how far do you want your boot lid to open?
0:49:30 > 0:49:32I can set it here
0:49:32 > 0:49:36to open this much, or a little bit wider, assuming there's room, obviously.
0:49:36 > 0:49:40'Back in the scrap yard, James was starting to get boring.'
0:49:40 > 0:49:45I think the 17 is interesting because it points to a lot of nascent developments
0:49:45 > 0:49:50in aerodynamics around that time when transonic and supersonic flight was only just...
0:49:50 > 0:49:56The TU-15, two-seater version of the MiG-15 from the Korean War. I believe that will have been built in China.
0:49:56 > 0:50:01When the relationship between China and Russia broke down the Chinese made copy-engineered MiG-15s.
0:50:01 > 0:50:03But the flaps still work.
0:50:03 > 0:50:05Ailerons, dear boy.
0:50:07 > 0:50:13'After James's interesting lecture, I turned my attention back to the Mulsanne.'
0:50:14 > 0:50:20I don't know that this new Bentley is going to catch on with Bentley's traditional customer base -
0:50:20 > 0:50:23Kerry Katona, Jordan, Peter Andre,
0:50:23 > 0:50:26John Terry, Brian Cline,
0:50:26 > 0:50:30Wayne Rooney, Coleen Rooney and so on.
0:50:30 > 0:50:35'But would it be perfect for a leading light in the Albanian Mafia?
0:50:35 > 0:50:40'Or would he prefer one of the others? We realised we didn't know.
0:50:40 > 0:50:42'So that night, James and I
0:50:42 > 0:50:44'dreamed up one more test
0:50:44 > 0:50:48'and then, in the bar, we explained it to Hammond.'
0:50:48 > 0:50:51What do you mean, "We're going to rob a bank"?
0:50:51 > 0:50:56It's a great test. We rob a bank, OK? Use our three cars
0:50:56 > 0:50:57as the getaway cars.
0:50:57 > 0:51:00The ones that get away from the police and on to the ferry
0:51:00 > 0:51:03and back to Corfu are good cars.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05If you're caught by the police and you spend the next
0:51:05 > 0:51:09- 40 years in jail... - You've got the wrong car and you know what to blame. The Bentley
0:51:09 > 0:51:12- might suddenly come good. - No, it won't.
0:51:14 > 0:51:18'The next morning, we found a bank full of money...
0:51:18 > 0:51:20'and robbed it.'
0:51:20 > 0:51:23Going for a stroll. Look normal. Look normal. Look normal.
0:51:23 > 0:51:26Yeah. Take the Merc, that's the quickest.
0:51:28 > 0:51:30Oh, God. Hammond! Hammond!
0:51:30 > 0:51:32There we are, completely normal.
0:51:32 > 0:51:34TYRES SQUEAL
0:51:35 > 0:51:37My Merc...
0:51:37 > 0:51:38- Clarkson, you- BLEEP!
0:51:38 > 0:51:41Right, Rolls it is.
0:51:43 > 0:51:44Seatbelt safety.
0:51:48 > 0:51:50- You utter- BLEEP!
0:51:50 > 0:51:51ALARM BELLS RING
0:51:53 > 0:51:57TYRES SQUEAL What a pair of utter, utter cars!
0:51:59 > 0:52:02Where's the sign to Saranda? I want Saranda.
0:52:02 > 0:52:05Oh, zebra crossing. N-not ideal.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07Take your time, chum, why not(?) I would.
0:52:07 > 0:52:11Saranda? Saranda? This way?
0:52:11 > 0:52:13That's the first time EVER
0:52:13 > 0:52:17in history, someone escaping from a bank job has asked directions.
0:52:17 > 0:52:21Right, can we make it to the ferry
0:52:21 > 0:52:24to Corfu without being caught?
0:52:24 > 0:52:27Police, police!
0:52:31 > 0:52:33SIRENS WAIL
0:52:33 > 0:52:35- No! Come on! - HORNS BEEP
0:52:37 > 0:52:39- HE GROANS - Hello.
0:52:39 > 0:52:41Come on!
0:52:41 > 0:52:43Why did we rob a bank at rush hour, Hammond?
0:52:43 > 0:52:44Yu-u-uh...
0:52:44 > 0:52:47Why didn't we use a cashpoint like everyone else?
0:52:47 > 0:52:50- HORNS BLARE - Undercut. - HORNS BLARE
0:52:50 > 0:52:51Yes.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55'Meanwhile, in the Mulsanne...'
0:52:55 > 0:52:59I can't see a bloody thing.
0:52:59 > 0:53:01Come on! TYRES SQUEAL
0:53:01 > 0:53:04SIRENS WAIL
0:53:04 > 0:53:06Crikey, it's the Albanian rozzers.
0:53:08 > 0:53:09Argh!
0:53:13 > 0:53:15Really annoying me now, keeps dropping down.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17How do women wear tights?
0:53:20 > 0:53:23Ooh, squeezing, squeezing...
0:53:24 > 0:53:29- They're getting closer.- 'Eventually, the road began to open out.'
0:53:29 > 0:53:30Right. Go, go, go, go, go!
0:53:30 > 0:53:33Everything you've got, old Roller, come on!
0:53:33 > 0:53:35Move!
0:53:43 > 0:53:45Don't pull out. Do not...
0:53:45 > 0:53:47TYRES SCREECH
0:53:49 > 0:53:50- JEREMY:- BLEEP!
0:53:50 > 0:53:57Strewth! How a bank robber lives to be beyond 25 years old, I don't know because it is stressy.
0:53:59 > 0:54:02SIRENS WAIL 'In a Bentley, it's VERY stressy.'
0:54:08 > 0:54:11The heat's all over me.
0:54:11 > 0:54:14Come on, Bentley.
0:54:17 > 0:54:19Climbing. Climbing.
0:54:19 > 0:54:21Ears popping.
0:54:23 > 0:54:25Big drop.
0:54:25 > 0:54:28'Annoyingly, on the damp switchback road, Albania's Five-0
0:54:28 > 0:54:30'could keep up.'
0:54:32 > 0:54:34It rolls a bit more than the Merc.
0:54:34 > 0:54:37God. It's like trying to escape in a bed!
0:54:37 > 0:54:39I might fall out.
0:54:40 > 0:54:43It's got the power. But then you get to a corner -
0:54:43 > 0:54:44and this is a biggy -
0:54:44 > 0:54:45see, front's gone.
0:54:47 > 0:54:50Any curve, any dampness and you've... Whoa.
0:54:59 > 0:55:03'Mercifully, though, the road soon straightened out which meant
0:55:03 > 0:55:06'Hammond and I could absolutely fly.'
0:55:06 > 0:55:08Go, go, go, go, go!
0:55:10 > 0:55:16- Oh! What a machine!- Yes! I like it.
0:55:16 > 0:55:18It's faster than I was expecting, this Rolls.
0:55:20 > 0:55:23It is genuinely jaw-dropping this thing.
0:55:25 > 0:55:28It feels SO fast.
0:55:31 > 0:55:34I think I just got air in a Rolls-Royce.
0:55:34 > 0:55:36I think I did.
0:55:36 > 0:55:39'For James, though, things weren't going so well.'
0:55:39 > 0:55:42They're gaining. They're gaining.
0:55:42 > 0:55:48No! Catastrophic understeer.
0:55:48 > 0:55:52'Up front, Richard and I had left the rozzers far behind.'
0:55:55 > 0:55:58The ferry is near now.
0:55:58 > 0:55:59Good car, this.
0:55:59 > 0:56:01Not as good as my Merc
0:56:01 > 0:56:02but a good car none the less.
0:56:03 > 0:56:07This is the getaway car of the century.
0:56:07 > 0:56:09If you are a leading light
0:56:09 > 0:56:13in the Albanian Mafia, look no further.
0:56:15 > 0:56:22'Eventually, we made it to the ferry terminal and could taste the freedom.'
0:56:22 > 0:56:26- Go, just go!- Hang on, shouldn't we wait for James?
0:56:26 > 0:56:31'But James was in big trouble because the cars chasing us had stopped
0:56:31 > 0:56:33'and formed a road block.'
0:56:35 > 0:56:38You'll never take me alive, copper.
0:56:41 > 0:56:43I'll see you in Spain, lads!
0:56:48 > 0:56:50Argh!
0:56:50 > 0:56:52GROANING
0:57:06 > 0:57:09- See you, James. - It probably didn't hurt much.
0:57:09 > 0:57:11No... Ha-ha-ha!
0:57:11 > 0:57:15- So James May is dead.- Anyway...
0:57:15 > 0:57:19- APPLAUSE - I love Albania. Could you have made THAT
0:57:19 > 0:57:23- in any other country in the world? - Exactly.- Anyway,
0:57:23 > 0:57:28- we must now choose which of the cars is best.- Yes,
0:57:28 > 0:57:30I suppose we must. I prefer the Merc, definitely.
0:57:30 > 0:57:36I know that the late James May preferred the Rolls-Royce. He made that very clear.
0:57:36 > 0:57:39And as the Bentley is plainly rubbish, I think you have the casting vote.
0:57:39 > 0:57:43If you were a leading light of the Albanian Mafia, which car would you buy?
0:57:43 > 0:57:47If I was a leading light in the Albanian Mafia, I wouldn't BUY either of them.
0:57:47 > 0:57:52- Good point. OK, which do you prefer? - I am minded to say the Rolls-Royce.
0:57:52 > 0:57:54But the problem is, if you have one of these,
0:57:54 > 0:57:58one day you will pull up at a set of lights and alongside
0:57:58 > 0:58:02will slide Simon Cowell in his bigger Phantom and he'll go...
0:58:02 > 0:58:04LAUGHTER
0:58:04 > 0:58:09I know what you mean. Be honest, you would only buy the Ghost because you couldn't afford the Phantom.
0:58:09 > 0:58:12- Because I don't want that, I'd have the Mercedes.- Yes!
0:58:12 > 0:58:14It's not really a bombshell, is it?
0:58:14 > 0:58:17- James's death is a bombshell. - It's an inconvenience, yes.
0:58:17 > 0:58:20That's true. So on that inconvenience, it's time to end.
0:58:20 > 0:58:24Thank you so much for watching. See you next week. Good night.
0:58:24 > 0:58:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:58:43 > 0:58:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
0:58:46 > 0:58:49E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk