0:00:12 > 0:00:15Tonight, our track's a bit foggy.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18A man eats a snack.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21And we move about in a caravan.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Hello, hello, thank you, everybody, thank you.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Now, there are lambs in the fields and there are buds in the trees
0:00:38 > 0:00:40and a whiff of spring in the air.
0:00:40 > 0:00:48So the producers gave each of us £2,000 and told us we had to spend it on a convertible four-seater car.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53And then they said we had to take the cars we'd bought down to the Top Gear test track
0:00:53 > 0:00:56where we'd be given a number of challenges.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01This is what I bought.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05It's a 1987 BMW 325i convertible.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09According to the mileometer it's done 94,000 miles which means
0:01:09 > 0:01:13the one thing you can be sure of is it hasn't done 94,000 miles.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16But on the face of it, pretty solid car.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Best of all, it only cost £1,600.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21CAR HORN HONKS Oh!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Oh, no.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26That's awkward.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- That is a 3...- Yes.
0:01:29 > 0:01:3132... Yeah.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- 325?- Yes.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- 325.- Yes.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36How old?
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- '87.- '88. How much?- 1,600.
0:01:40 > 0:01:411,950!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43How many miles?
0:01:43 > 0:01:4594, it says. And?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49This "says" 137,000 miles.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54I'm pretty pleased with this, at least they didn't fit stupid after-market wheels on it unlike...
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Mine.- Yours comes from a good area, I can tell. Anyone who's got these.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- Extra locks.- They don't live in Bourton-on-the-Water, do they?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03It's not a Cotswoldian feature, no.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- More St Pauls in Bristol, I'm thinking.- Yeah.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08This is, well, just superb.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12So many different shades of black on there, it's unbelievable.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15He's taken care of his car.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- Oh ho ho!- There, you need that.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Was he delivering paving slabs one at a time?- No.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- Why is that there? - Because it improves handling.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28'At this point, James arrived in his four-seater convertible.'
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Oh, dear.- Oh!
0:02:34 > 0:02:39- Oh, God!- I don't suppose by any happy chance that's the 318, is it?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42It's a 325, sir. Yours?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- 325.- Is it?- Yes.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46325, yes.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- What year is yours?- 1989.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- How much did you pay?- £1,900.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- Yours looks pretty standard.- It is. - Except for the rust obviously.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Mine's nice.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Don't do that! I've just fixed that.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I barely touched it!
0:03:01 > 0:03:06'So none of us had bought an Audi or a Ford or a Merc and that looked like a cock-up.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10'But then I realised that, actually, it wasn't.'
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I think this is brilliant.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Well, not really. We've got the same car.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18We're always being asked. People come up to us and say is a Golf
0:03:18 > 0:03:21a good used purchase, or a Volvo or whatever and we always say it depends.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23So what we've got here are three cars,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26they were made in the same factory by the same robots
0:03:26 > 0:03:31at roughly the same time and they've all been driven in the same country by the same sort of people.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- So they should be the same.- Ah.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37But I bet you, I bet you they aren't.
0:03:37 > 0:03:43'So we decided to bin the challenges the producers had devised
0:03:43 > 0:03:46'and dream up some of our own.'
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Where's Hammond?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Don't know, I think we've lost him already.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52CAR IGNITION FAILING, CAR ALARM SOUNDS
0:03:52 > 0:03:56JEREMY AND JAMES LAUGH
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- No, listen, it's... - Let me hear that sound again.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04CAR ALARM SOUNDS
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- Oh, dear.- It keeps doing that.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11JEREMY AND JAMES LAUGH
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Stop doing that!
0:04:13 > 0:04:18'Hammond's cheap after-market alarm matched his cheap after-market wheels.'
0:04:18 > 0:04:21They leach into dry rot, they leach into the system.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- There's wires going everywhere. - Can't you just take it all off?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- No.- No, because otherwise you could've stolen a car by just taking the alarm off.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30They weren't that stupid in the '80s.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- CAR ALARM SOUNDS - That's got it.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38'Jeremy and I decided to abandon Hammond and have a race.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41'From 0 to 100 and then back to 0 again,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44'so that we could test our cars' power and brakes.'
0:04:44 > 0:04:49Here are the vital statistics. 2.5 litre straight-six, 170hp,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52at least when it was new, it may have lost a few.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Jeremy has a 2.5 litre straight-six with 170 horsepower,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58or at least when it was new, he may have lost a few since then.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02The difference, he's got a big slab of concrete in the boot.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07It's not the paving stone in the back I'm worried about,
0:05:07 > 0:05:08it's the automatic gearbox.
0:05:08 > 0:05:14Doing a drag race with an auto is like doing a 100 metre sprint in wellies. Full of tadpoles.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Yes!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Bit of steering wheel wobble coming in.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29No concrete is the answer.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34There we go, 0 to 60, that was about 25 seconds.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39RICHARD'S CAR ALARM SOUNDS, FAILS TO START
0:05:44 > 0:05:4790!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Must be able to do 100.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57And there it is.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59There it is!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01No brakes, no brakes.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05It's just not stopping.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Please, stop!
0:06:10 > 0:06:15'The gap between our supposedly identical BMWs was staggering.'
0:06:15 > 0:06:2077, 78, 79, 80, 81.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23281 yards.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- There is another conclusion we can draw from this.- Which is what?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29That as you'd expect, I've done this properly
0:06:29 > 0:06:32and I've proved myself to be better than you at buying second-hand BMWs.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Well, your brakes are better.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38And my engine's better and my gearbox is better.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Speed isn't everything.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Is it not?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44RICHARD'S CAR ALARM CONTINUES TO SOUND
0:06:44 > 0:06:48After the race, we got Hammond's car going again.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53And went to a Waking The Dead-style forensics lab
0:06:53 > 0:06:58to find out in great detail what sort of life our cars had had.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03- You know the company we're using to do this...- Mm-hm.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06..are called Manlove Forensics.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Are they?- They are. No, they are.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Why are they called that?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Yeah, the boss is called John Manlove.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Oh. Not many fond schoolday memories for him, I bet.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20They've actually already discovered that your car used to belong to a Muslim man from Birmingham.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24What, they can tell that just from swabbing the seats?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28No, they found this letter in the footwell.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33- Oh, yes. - Addressed to Jamir Masjid, it's from a mosque in Birmingham.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- They're good, they are good. - They're good.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40'But the test they were doing went far beyond looking for old envelopes.'
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Do you know what I'm most worried they'll find in my car?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- What?- Gentlemen's relish.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I quite like gentlemen's relish.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Oh, you don't mean the stuff from the jar.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57'After many hours, the boss came over with the results.'
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- Hi, I'm John Manlove. - Can we stick to John?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Otherwise we're just going to get giggles.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- This vehicle here.- This is mine.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09- This had crisp fragments in it. - Crisps is fine, nobody's worried about that.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- There was a little bit of vegetation.- Leaves?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Bits-and-pieces such as that and some flakes of skin.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17There'll be mine.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- So that's not too bad, then. - No, not too bad, fairly standard.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Let's move on, James' car.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Lots of skin in this one.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Including some nice, large flakes of yellowish skin with some blood staining on.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- A scab!- Somebody's picked a scab in your car.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Full of scabs. Go on.- Seriously?
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- Anything else worth note? - Quite a lot of nasal mucus.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41That's bogies, he's talking about bogies.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Were they smeared on the seat or the sun visor?
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Little balls in the footwell.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Shall I just finish James's car?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Was there more?- The last one was that the steering wheel was stained
0:08:49 > 0:08:54with a chemical that can be present in high quantities in saliva.
0:08:54 > 0:08:59- Gob.- So basically if you're talking and driving, that's what you may well expect.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03So Roy Hattersley owned it? Picked his scabs off, spat all over your steering wheel
0:09:03 > 0:09:07and dropped bogies in large quantities in your footwell.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I don't even want to look at your car now!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12But then Mr Manlove came to Hammond's car.
0:09:12 > 0:09:18First of all, there was some black sports type-tape with what turned out to be blood staining on it.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sports tape with blood on the end of it?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Somebody's been bound.- And murdered.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Again the steering wheel had what appeared to be saliva staining on it.
0:09:27 > 0:09:35And lastly, we had pubic hairs and faeces present.
0:09:35 > 0:09:41- I'm sorry, did you say the word "faeces"?- What certainly appeared to be faecal matter, yes.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43That's poo, isn't it?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- That's poo. - Your car's got poo in it.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Is that normal?
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Well, it's like driving around in a Moroccan prison, isn't it, really? In the front of his car.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55'After the forensic tests, my colleagues were very distressed.'
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Oh, God.
0:10:01 > 0:10:07So we decided to pull over and see which of our cars was the most thief-proof.
0:10:07 > 0:10:13This meant finding some thieves who insisted that we pixelate their faces.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Unfortunately the pixelating was done by a man who'd just had his car nicked.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Our thieves with the pixelated...
0:10:22 > 0:10:29chests will now see how quickly they can break into the cars and drive them away.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Are you ready, chaps? Here we go.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Three, two, one, go!
0:10:36 > 0:10:40'I felt sure at this point that thanks to the double locks and the immobiliser,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43'my car would finally start to come good.'
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I think you'll find they'll take a while getting in.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- He's into mine.- Oh, he's into yours!
0:10:49 > 0:10:54Yeah, but even though... OK, he's in, but I think you'll find...
0:10:55 > 0:10:57HE STARTS CAR, CAR ALARM SOUNDS
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- That's ridiculous!- That was honestly,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05that was just no time.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10Your car is now on a cross-Channel ferry on its way to Uzbekistan.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- It really is quite tense now. - Come on, Jeremy's thief.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Come on, James' thief.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Come on, Jeremy's thief.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25However, after 20 minutes, both our cars were still where we'd left them.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30So we decided to call it a draw.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35Unsurprisingly, the thief decided to return my car, which meant he could
0:11:35 > 0:11:39explain the reason it was so easy to steal is the ignition barrel is all
0:11:39 > 0:11:45worn smooth inside so you could start it with the handle of a teaspoon or a lollipop stick.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50I think it has done more than 94,000 miles.
0:11:50 > 0:11:56So far, then, we'd proved that our identical cars were in fact completely different.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00And that Hammond's was full of someone else's pubic hair.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03APPLAUSE
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I've washed my hands, I've washed my hands.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- I mean, honestly...- Not nice.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Just knowing that. Isn't it extraordinary when
0:12:15 > 0:12:19you buy a used car, you'll do checks to make sure the gearbox is working,
0:12:19 > 0:12:24the differential isn't all broken but you don't do anything to check the state of the interior?
0:12:24 > 0:12:29It's really weird because I could cope if I thought a car had missed a service or two
0:12:29 > 0:12:36or something like that but once I found out that one was full of nasal mucus, I'd have walked away.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Has anyone here bought a used car recently?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Nobody's bought a used car?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44So you bought a used car?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- Yes.- And did you check it out for...
0:12:46 > 0:12:51- Scabs?- Scabs? Blood? - No.- Faeces?- Nothing, no.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- You're from Liverpool?- Liverpool.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I said bought, anyone here bought!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Oh, here we go again!- You have?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Did you check out if it's got any finance owing on it?
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- Finance.- You did finance, you did checks on the mechanical components?
0:13:05 > 0:13:10- I did.- Did you see if there were anybody else's bottom mushrooms growing in the carpet?
0:13:10 > 0:13:15- No.- You didn't. I'm very surprised, I'm really quite surprised. Anyway we're going to pick it up later on.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Now we ought to do the news.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Can I just talk about speed cameras, does anybody mind?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22You know Oxfordshire Council announced recently, last year,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25it would turn all the speed cameras off and when they said that,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28all the road safety groups were running around saying
0:13:28 > 0:13:29everybody will be dead in 10 minutes as a result.
0:13:29 > 0:13:35Well, six months have now elapsed and the road safety groups are saying they don't know
0:13:35 > 0:13:37what effect the switch-off has had on accident figures.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- How can they not know? - They say they're not in yet.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45But I always know pretty much immediately when I've had an accident.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48There are clues, big noise, sudden stop, that sort of thing.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52The thing is they may not know but I do because I've done some digging.
0:13:52 > 0:13:58In a three-month period in 2009, when the cameras were on, there were 35 accidents at speed camera sites.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01In the same three-month period when the cameras were switched off
0:14:01 > 0:14:05in 2010, there were 35 accidents at speed camera sites.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- No difference.- No difference at all.
0:14:07 > 0:14:13- What about fatalities?- Fatalities, there were none with the cameras on and none with the cameras off.
0:14:13 > 0:14:19- Really?- What's interesting about this is that you'd think this made no difference and saved the council
0:14:19 > 0:14:24a fortune by getting rid of the speed cameras but they're now saying the police are going to take over
0:14:24 > 0:14:30- running them and turn them back on again in April.- I thought they said they couldn't afford to run them?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32No, the police are doing it.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37- But this is very good news because that must mean they've solved all the other crimes.- What, the police?
0:14:37 > 0:14:44Actually, they haven't solved them all but they have caught that bloke who nicked the lead off my roof.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46You had lead stolen from your roof?
0:14:46 > 0:14:52- All of it.- Only you would be the victim of a crime from the 1950s.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Was the villain chased by a black and white policeman blowing a whistle, by any chance?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Yes.- Was he driving a Ford Zephyr?
0:14:59 > 0:15:06- The thing is I live in Oxfordshire and I was burgled quite recently and they haven't caught her yet.- Her?
0:15:06 > 0:15:11- I'm not sexist. - Nice touch. Good work.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13See? We're not.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I'd like, if you don't mind, to talk about magpies.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19It's a car show, Jeremy.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24Bear with me, because there's an organisation called the Songbird Survival Trust.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26They're calling for a cull on magpies.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30They're not calling it a cull, they're saying they want to do an experiment.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Is it an experiment to see what happens to a magpie if you fire a shotgun at it?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Yes, it is, basically.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40I agree with them on this but for different reasons. They say if you get rid of magpies then we'll
0:15:40 > 0:15:44have more songbirds because magpies eat songbirds, but there's a better reason.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Magpies are a menace to road safety.
0:15:47 > 0:15:53- They look like they'd be bad drivers, don't they?- Stupid idiot, listen, I'm not a superstitious man.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I can walk under a ladder, put my head in a lion's mouth.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59That's not a superstition, you idiot, it's a bad idea.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03I can put a hat on my new shoes, all those things but I do salute magpies. OK?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07The problem is because the magpie is the only bird in Britain these days,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10you're just driving along doing this the whole time.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15No, you don't just salute, if you see a single magpie, one on its own, you have to say, "Morning, Captain,"
0:16:15 > 0:16:21three times. Morning, Captain, morning, Captain, morning, Captain, salute three times, spit three times,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24touch your right elbow with your left hand, one, two, three times
0:16:24 > 0:16:27and then lick your thumb and make a cross in the top right-hand corner of the windscreen.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- You don't have to do that.- You do. - Do you do that when you see a magpie?- Every single time.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35It's quite a faff and it's difficult on the bike but I do it. Morning, Captain...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38one, two, three, and then you carry on.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42You've both got that completely wrong because what you're supposed to do,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46it's only the first magpie of the day and you salute and say. "Morning, Mr Magpie,"
0:16:46 > 0:16:48and you don't do it in the afternoon because that's bad luck
0:16:48 > 0:16:50and you don't do the second one...
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- Rubbish! How do you know it's the first magpie of the day? - You don't join the Village People.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Is anyone here Jewish?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- Yep. - You are, where's Jewish, hands up?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02You are? Do you know what we're talking about?
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- Yeah, Newcastle.- No, no, no.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09It's not Newcastle, I know where you're going with that.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12It's just that our studio director's Jewish and has no idea what
0:17:12 > 0:17:15we're talking about because he said perhaps Jews don't do it.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Is anyone else Jewish who has no clue?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- You're Jewish, and do you salute magpies?- No, but we know about it.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24You know about it but you don't do it? Interesting.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27So it could be a religious thing. I don't know.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Do Jewish people have more road accidents as a result of magpies? - No, fewer.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35Jewish people will have fewer road accidents because they're not spending all day long doing this.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Anyway, look. To cut to the point here,
0:17:38 > 0:17:42whether you do my simple salute which is correct, or his full morris dance...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Can't be too careful.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48We need to stop it because the advantages are huge
0:17:48 > 0:17:52because if you get rid of magpies, you have more songbirds so the air sounds nicer.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56You've got tits and... Why did I say tits?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Sparrows and all that sort of thing and that'd be brilliant,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02plus we don't have to do that and that'll make the roads safer.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07There we are, Top Gear top tip, kill all magpies and kill them now.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Hey, listen, listen.
0:18:11 > 0:18:17There's a new lightweight Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder that's come along. Here it is.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21It's called the Performante. That's going to cost you a hundred and...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I can't read that. What's that say?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25You poor, knackered old goat.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- £188,000.- £188,000.
0:18:29 > 0:18:35- Top speed I do know. 201 mph. - Is that possibly the best-looking car in production right now?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It is a fantastic-looking car.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42The problem is it's getting quite old and compared to the Ferrari 458, it just feels old-fashioned.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47The thing is, this isn't just a duel now between the Italians,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49because the British have moved in with a new McLaren.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Yes, it's called the MP4-12C.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59We've got it here in the studio and this is the first time we've been able to have a proper look at it.
0:18:59 > 0:19:05It has McLaren's own engine, a 3.8 litre twin-turbo V8.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09It also has very sophisticated computer-controlled suspension.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14And, most interestingly, it was tested here at the Top Gear test track.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18We should stress we had nothing to do with the testing or development of it at all.
0:19:18 > 0:19:24No, nothing whatsoever. The thing that bothers me, Hammond, is I've driven the 458 a lot, as you know.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I love it and I cannot see how this can be better.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I know, but what if it is?
0:19:29 > 0:19:33There are a few pointers. For one thing, it's cheaper than the 458.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38- You can't get in!- I can. - It's also more powerful, 592 brake horse power, which is 30 or so more.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43- These are good signs.- I like it in here because they've made the steering wheel the steering wheel.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48They haven't fallen into that trap of putting buttons all over it to make it feel like Formula 1.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53They don't make you choose on your instrument panel between the speedometer and the sat nav
0:19:53 > 0:19:58like Ferrari do. All that stuff they put here, and your music, on a sort of iPad thing in the middle.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00It's a fantastic place to be.
0:20:00 > 0:20:07My only problem with this really is, I like a supercar to look a bit crazy, a bit mad, like a Zonda.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10If you ask me, this is sort of plain.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13You say Zonda, but which Zonda do you mean?
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Well, the Pagani Zonda, as opposed to the Kia Zonda or the Ford Zonda.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22No, you see, over the years, there have been thousands of them.
0:20:24 > 0:20:30The saga began 12 years ago when Pagani launched this - Genesis.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34The very brilliant and very dramatic C12.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39A year later, they introduced a slightly faster version called the C12S,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42and we saw that it was good.
0:20:42 > 0:20:48Then there was the Roadster S and the Monza, and the F,
0:20:48 > 0:20:50and the F Roadster.
0:20:50 > 0:20:56And then, just when we thought every angle had been explored, the F Clubsport.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04We imagined that this would be the final Zonda, the final encore.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07But we were wrong.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21Welcome, everyone, to the Zonda R, the last of the breed.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27And by far the most confusing.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35It looks like a pure-bred racer, but you can't race it,
0:21:35 > 0:21:39because there are rules and regulations in motor sport,
0:21:39 > 0:21:43and this meets none of them. And if you try to take it on the road,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47a policeman is going to stop you and say, "Sir, where are your indicators
0:21:47 > 0:21:51"and why do you not have any tread on your tyres?"
0:21:53 > 0:21:57So if it's not for racing and it's not for the road,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00what is it for?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Well, this.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13ENGINE DROWNS SPEECH
0:22:15 > 0:22:22Annoyingly, the R is so loud that our team of sound recordists had to have a bit of a rethink.
0:22:25 > 0:22:32What I was saying before I had this microphone fitted is, it really is jolly fast.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Very jolly fast!
0:22:38 > 0:22:400 to 60 takes 3 seconds.
0:22:42 > 0:22:48Top speed? Nobody knows. Definitely more than 230, though.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54The main reason for all this phenomenalness is the engine.
0:22:59 > 0:23:06It's a six-litre Mercedes V12, which produces 740 horsepower.
0:23:06 > 0:23:11And it's being used to power a car which weighs less than a Ford Fiesta.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24That makes the performance extremely dramatic!
0:23:27 > 0:23:33The Zonda R recently blitzed their own record at the Nurburgring.
0:23:33 > 0:23:39It got round in 6 minutes and 47 seconds,
0:23:39 > 0:23:44and from where I'm sitting, I cannot work out why it took so long.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52I can only assume the driver stopped off halfway round to read a book.
0:23:52 > 0:23:59Bruce Forsyth could get this thing round the Nurburgring in less time than that.
0:24:02 > 0:24:08All Zondas look like they will be more complicated to drive than spaceships, but they're not.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11They're easy.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16And because this one has grippy, slick tyres, it's the easiest of the lot.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20You can whizz about at top speed
0:24:20 > 0:24:23and you've got time and brain power to think,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"I really like the way they've got these air vents laid out."
0:24:28 > 0:24:34That's a nice strap, kind of old-fashioned and modern all at the same time.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39It doesn't really matter if you're not concentrating.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Because it doesn't weigh anything
0:24:41 > 0:24:45and because its carbon brakes are so enormous,
0:24:45 > 0:24:52it will go from 125 mph to a dead stop in 4.3 seconds.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Oh, yeah. Like that.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06The only way to stop faster is to hit a tree.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14And this is the first Zonda to have a flappy-paddle gearbox.
0:25:14 > 0:25:20It isn't the most refined system in the world, if I'm honest, but it is quick.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24And it does mean that when you floor it, you enjoy the fury
0:25:24 > 0:25:31and all you have to do when the fury runs out, pull the lever and it starts all over again.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36Go! Yeah. Go! Go! Yes, go!
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Go, go, go!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45This car is fantastic.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50An extraordinary example of what can be done when there are no rules.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55But for a toy, it is a bit expensive.
0:25:55 > 0:26:02The car will cost you £1.46 million, and because most British racetracks
0:26:02 > 0:26:08have noise limits, which this breaches, you'll need your own.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12And the going rate for one of those these days,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15about 6 billion. Billion!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20One last go, come on.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Honestly, what a machine.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34What a machine.
0:26:34 > 0:26:41It seems a shame, then, that we wave goodbye to the Zonda with a car that is absolutely brilliant,
0:26:41 > 0:26:45but also completely useless.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50The people at Pagani obviously thought so, too,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53because they recently announced
0:26:53 > 0:26:56that the R would not be the last Zonda after all.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00They would actually finish by making five road-going versions of it.
0:27:00 > 0:27:07And then they'd really, definitely finish with five convertible versions of those.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15But like a 1970s rock band, they don't seem to be able to end the song,
0:27:15 > 0:27:20because they now say that there will be another, one last hurrah.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25This is it, the Tricolore.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Named after the Italian Air Force aerobatic squadron,
0:27:28 > 0:27:32this, too, is a quietened down, softer version...
0:27:35 > 0:27:36..of the R.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48It's heavier, slightly less powerful,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52and thanks to normal - oops - road tyres, a lot less grippy.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Ha ha!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Oh, dear.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00But it's still a great car.
0:28:03 > 0:28:09And still properly, properly fast.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Ho, ho, ho!
0:28:11 > 0:28:19And because you don't need your own track, it's about 6 billion less than the R.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21That makes it good value.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27But, of course, what makes this
0:28:27 > 0:28:31the best value of all is that I'm driving Revelation.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35The final encore.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Bye-bye, Zonda.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Bye-bye.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00APPLAUSE
0:29:06 > 0:29:13Poor old Richard Hammond. You know, the Zonda is his favourite car and now it's all gone.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16No, actually, because after I made that film,
0:29:16 > 0:29:21- Zonda announced they would make two more Tricolores.- Really? But then it's over?
0:29:21 > 0:29:26No, because when they finish doing those, they're going to make a new one called the 750.
0:29:26 > 0:29:31- Then that's the last Zonda? - No, because after that... I'm not joking.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34- They're doing one called the HH. - Then they're going to start
0:29:34 > 0:29:36finally building the new car, the... What's it called?
0:29:36 > 0:29:41- Huarrr...- Yeah, that one. Huayra.
0:29:41 > 0:29:46While they're dithering about, making up their mind, it's time to find out how fast this one,
0:29:46 > 0:29:51the R, goes round our track. Of course, that means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55Some say his nipples are explosive.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00And that he's recently had a Mexican...
0:30:00 > 0:30:04I mean Brazilian! I mean Brazilian! Why did I say that?
0:30:04 > 0:30:09I'm sorry, Mr Ambassador. Anyway, all we know is he's called the Stig.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13And he's off. I can't imagine this is going to take very long.
0:30:13 > 0:30:19V12 AMG fury powering towards the first corner. Here we are.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22So much grip in this car.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24It is just gliding through.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Bit of a four-wheel drift there.
0:30:27 > 0:30:32No stereo, of course, just 12 cylinders singing.
0:30:32 > 0:30:37Actually, not singing, shouting! Actually very wide through Chicago.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39How will he attack Hammerhead?
0:30:39 > 0:30:46Leaning hard on those incredible brakes. Yes. He's nailed it now.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48Yes, he's through.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55Really open the taps now.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57Cuts a steady throttle through the follow-through.
0:30:57 > 0:31:01Unsettled a bit by the bump on the apex. Stig not scared.
0:31:01 > 0:31:06Two corners left. It stays so flat. It actually looks undramatic.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Oh, a spit of flame!
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Into Gambon and across the line.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12APPLAUSE
0:31:14 > 0:31:15I have the time here.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21He did it in 1:26.7.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24- No!- No, I'm lying.
0:31:25 > 0:31:271:08.5.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29CHEERING
0:31:33 > 0:31:37The thing is, you may remember, a couple of years ago,
0:31:37 > 0:31:41Michael Schumacher came here and took a Ferrari FXX round,
0:31:41 > 0:31:44which is the same sort of thing as this, OK?
0:31:44 > 0:31:47That was 1:10.7.
0:31:47 > 0:31:53So that is 2.2 seconds quicker than Schumacher in a Ferrari, on slick tyres as well.
0:31:53 > 0:31:57- Amazing. Either that car is truly incredible...- Or?
0:31:57 > 0:32:01The Stig is rather underpaid.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05- Yes. There's one more thing we have to do, I'm afraid.- Get rid of it.
0:32:05 > 0:32:09Yes, of course. It's not a road car. It has no place on our board.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13- It's the rules. - It's the rules, I'm afraid.
0:32:13 > 0:32:18Let me cheer you up, because it's time now to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21In fact, this week, two stars.
0:32:21 > 0:32:25These guys, well, they've fought off zombies in London.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29They've had a knife fight in a supermarket in the West Country.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32More recently, they've helped an alien get back to its home planet.
0:32:32 > 0:32:37So they're either actors or massive liars. Let's find out.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg!
0:32:39 > 0:32:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:42 > 0:32:45Gentlemen! How are you?
0:32:45 > 0:32:46I'm very well. Good to see you.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Look what we've got here.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55Great to see you, guys. Great to see.
0:32:55 > 0:33:02- You two have known each other for donkey's years, haven't you?- Yes. 17-18 years.- Met in a restaurant?
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Yes, Mexican restaurant.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06- LAUGHTER - I can never go back now.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08They've ripped up my Golden Fajita Card.
0:33:10 > 0:33:15You became friends because you shared a love of Star Wars noises?
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- Yeah.- That's kind of how we bonded. We met because Nick was interested
0:33:18 > 0:33:21in being a stand-up comic, I was a stand-up comic.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23We met, went out a few times. I did this.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26HE BEEPS LIKE A STAR WARS ROBOT
0:33:26 > 0:33:30Which is a noise that a small droid... I can see you glaze over.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34No, I'm quite good at Star Wars, but I am struggling here.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38That's why I fell in love with him, because I thought no-one knew about that except me,
0:33:38 > 0:33:44and then he did it to me and it was like he'd sprayed me with his nerd musk.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48- That was it, then.- How loving.
0:33:48 > 0:33:53It must be great working with your friends, I imagine.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55I don't know, obviously.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59We have the new film, which is out this week.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02- Valentine's Day.- It's called Paul.
0:34:02 > 0:34:08The idea was literally a spitball in the garden when we were shooting Shaun Of The Dead.
0:34:08 > 0:34:13The weather was really bad. Our producer said, "Can't we shoot somewhere where it's always sunny?"
0:34:13 > 0:34:17We thought of the desert, then because of our nerd minds, we went straight to Area 51.
0:34:17 > 0:34:22That became aliens. We said, "OK, there's two guys and there's an alien and they help him get home."
0:34:22 > 0:34:25We've got a clip of the film, which we can look at.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31Put...the phone...down.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33Ha-ha-ha!
0:34:35 > 0:34:38- What have you done to him?- I didn't do anything to him. He fainted.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Yeah, but you made him faint.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42But it's not like I set my phaser to faint.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- You've got a phaser?! - No! Look, listen.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Hey, I really need your help, OK?
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Can we get this guy back on your wagon?
0:34:49 > 0:34:51HE GIBBERS
0:34:51 > 0:34:56- Are you an alien?- To you, I am, yes. - Are you going to probe us?
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Why does everyone assume that? What am I doing?
0:34:58 > 0:35:02- Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?- W-w-what?
0:35:03 > 0:35:07- I love the alien.- He's great, isn't he?- A brilliant alien.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11What gave you the idea to make your alien smoke and swear?
0:35:11 > 0:35:16We just liked the idea that he's been on earth longer than Graham and Clive have.
0:35:16 > 0:35:21He's less alien than they are, really. They're two British guys out of their depth.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25He's been hanging round, smoking strong weed that he gets off the military,
0:35:25 > 0:35:27that he claims killed Bob Dylan.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31Did you get to drive your RV across America?
0:35:31 > 0:35:36- We had to learn how to drive. - This is going to sound really- BLEEP - but we had a driver.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40- What?- Neither of us have ever driven an RV.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44The point of it was that we would be sitting, writing, while America
0:35:44 > 0:35:48drifted past and we just thought, "Let's have a driver."
0:35:48 > 0:35:51He was the guy that did that amazing handbrake turn in Meet The Fockers.
0:35:51 > 0:35:58De Niro's big CIA blacked-out RV. There's a bit in that when it turns a full handbrake turn.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02- He was the driver?- He left me driving... We decided to take
0:36:02 > 0:36:06a highway because we were running behind time.
0:36:06 > 0:36:11He really needed the toilet, so he left me at the wheel and I started to lose control.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15Nick was going, "Small corrections, small corrections!" "I can't! I can't!"
0:36:15 > 0:36:19Steve came out the toilet, doing up his flies...
0:36:19 > 0:36:24There was the old story of the guy that rented one, an English guy rented an RV for his holiday.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28It said cruise control, so he put on cruise control. "Lovely!"
0:36:30 > 0:36:35Nobody could work out, in the accident, why he was killed with a kettle in his hand.
0:36:35 > 0:36:40Doing 80 mph. Stupid idiot. Anyway, so look, the lap, this is why you're here.
0:36:42 > 0:36:47- I know you were nervous, because you thought that your size would count against you.- Yeah.
0:36:47 > 0:36:52- Whereas you, of course... What do you weigh?- I'm 11.5 stone. - My leg weighs that much!
0:36:53 > 0:36:57- But the thing is, are you very fit? - At the moment I am, because I'm doing Mission Impossible 4
0:36:57 > 0:37:02as we speak, and I'm sort of having to be...
0:37:02 > 0:37:04I'm an agent now, so I need to be on...
0:37:04 > 0:37:10I had a long conversation with Mr Cruise about his appearance on this. Still talks about it.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14- Does he?- He is full of Top Gear. - He has such a shallow and empty life, obviously.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16But he is obsessed with it.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19Nevertheless, whose lap shall we see first?
0:37:19 > 0:37:23Let's have a look, shall we, at... your lap, Simon?
0:37:23 > 0:37:25Come on, Simon. Let's see your lap. Here we go.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30HE SPLUTTERS
0:37:32 > 0:37:34- I've changed gear. That's a good sign.- Yep.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37Right, first corner.
0:37:37 > 0:37:38Nice wide line in there.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41New Stig does teach that line.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45- He does, yeah.- Very... Ooh, you're not using all the road, though.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Come on, you motherhumper.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49- Mother what?- Motherhumper.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Motherhumper? Nice. Watershed language.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54That's looking quite tidy.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57Where are you going? Oh, Hammerhead. Let's have a look. Whoa!
0:37:57 > 0:38:00That's squirreling underbraking. That is quite impressive.
0:38:00 > 0:38:04Right. Keep it in between the lines.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Just about... Yep.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09- It's much sportier than the last one.- This is a great car.
0:38:09 > 0:38:10See apostrophe Dee.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14TYRES SCREECH
0:38:14 > 0:38:16- That noise.- I know.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Ooh, that gives me a funny feeling!
0:38:19 > 0:38:21Really?
0:38:21 > 0:38:25Whoa! Almost had the back wheel off the ground there.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Right, second-to-last corner is where most people go wrong.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30- That is extremely tidy. - Look at that.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32And Gambon...
0:38:32 > 0:38:35Looking very smooth through there.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38And there we are - we've crossed the line. Lovely.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41APPLAUSE
0:38:41 > 0:38:42Now...
0:38:46 > 0:38:48- Before we get on to how you did...- Yeah.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51..I think we should have a look at Nick's lap.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55- OK.- Now, Nick, your practices weren't entirely smooth.
0:38:55 > 0:38:59No. I've sat forward already. No, I just wanted to go for it and see what happened.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02Of course, on the second-to-last corner...
0:39:02 > 0:39:04Well, let's have a look at what happened.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07This is ballsy.
0:39:07 > 0:39:08Too ballsy, in fact.
0:39:08 > 0:39:09LAUGHTER
0:39:09 > 0:39:11That's a proper spin! What's that?
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Hitting the kerb. You could have rolled!
0:39:13 > 0:39:18- APPLAUSE - That's what I call ballsy.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20I think the thing about being in a...
0:39:20 > 0:39:23being a big guy in a small car when you roll it
0:39:23 > 0:39:25is there's nowhere for you to go so it's fine,
0:39:25 > 0:39:29- you just roll around.- You're wedged in and your eyes go around.- Yeah.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31Nick, let's see how you got on.
0:39:31 > 0:39:32ENGINE REVS
0:39:32 > 0:39:34TYRES SCREECH
0:39:34 > 0:39:39- Right. Good start. - Ah, that rubber smell.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42Reminds me of my honeymoon!
0:39:42 > 0:39:43LAUGHTER
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Helmet suits you, got to say.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48I'm not going to talk about the honeymoon, that's why.
0:39:48 > 0:39:49Right, first corner.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53That's a tighter line there than Simon's and using all the road.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55When it squeals, ease it off.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Just like a bag of pigs.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58LAUGHTER
0:39:58 > 0:40:00'I was trying to channel you.'
0:40:00 > 0:40:04'I'm not even going to go anywhere with these remarks in the car.
0:40:04 > 0:40:05'A bag of pigs.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09'Less aggressive on the brakes than Simon was there.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11'Now, let's have a look. Does this look tidy?'
0:40:11 > 0:40:13BRAKES SQUEAL
0:40:13 > 0:40:14- 'Ooh, little chirrup. - Slow.
0:40:14 > 0:40:18'Looks slow. Could be fast, though. You never know.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20'And on to the straight.'
0:40:20 > 0:40:22You waved!
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Why do I keep looking in the mirror?
0:40:25 > 0:40:28- Why did I keep looking in the mirror?- I don't know.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31It's natural. It's in everybody they must check the mirror.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Swing it to the right.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Past the wall of tyres.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38No, left! Left, left! It's left on the wall!
0:40:38 > 0:40:40- I went out right... - Oh, I see, to come in again.
0:40:40 > 0:40:44- My willy feels funny. - LAUGHTER
0:40:44 > 0:40:48That's a James May problem. He's always saying he has this fizzing penis root.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Right, there we... Ooh, so where are we going?
0:40:51 > 0:40:54- Whoa!- Tom Cruise line! There we are -
0:40:54 > 0:40:57- we've crossed the line. - APPLAUSE
0:40:57 > 0:40:58That's two wheels!
0:40:58 > 0:41:04That's dangerous, with me being on the right, too. That could have...
0:41:04 > 0:41:07Now, that is... There's Michael Gambon, Tom Cruise
0:41:07 > 0:41:10- and you have had it on two wheels in that last corner.- Good.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14- Awesome.- But was it enough? That is the question.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16I can feel my heart in my ears.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18LAUGHTER
0:41:18 > 0:41:20- Right. Simon.- Yes?
0:41:20 > 0:41:22You're first in the list, OK?
0:41:22 > 0:41:28When you were last here, you did it in 1:48.05, which actually is a very quick time, in that old...
0:41:28 > 0:41:30- It was a Lacetti, wasn't it? - It was, yeah.
0:41:30 > 0:41:35So where do you think you've come this time? 1:48.05 - where do you think you are now?
0:41:35 > 0:41:37I honestly couldn't tell you.
0:41:37 > 0:41:41Well, you did it in 1...
0:41:41 > 0:41:4340...
0:41:43 > 0:41:45- 4...- Ooh!- Wow.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47- ..9!- Wow!- You...
0:41:47 > 0:41:50APPLAUSE
0:41:50 > 0:41:51..are there.
0:41:56 > 0:42:02So you'll be able to tell Tom Cruise you're right on top of Cameron Diaz... This isn't working, is it?
0:42:02 > 0:42:05- I think it's working fine.- Between Cameron and Tom. That's great.
0:42:05 > 0:42:09You are between Cameron and Tom. Now, Nick, obviously the heavyweight.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12Yeah. Are you going to put HW on mine?
0:42:12 > 0:42:14- LAUGHTER - FF.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17- Ah!- Aw!
0:42:18 > 0:42:21He nearly killed a journalist in Birmingham once for making a joke about his weight.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24- I did.- Did you? - I grabbed him round his throat.
0:42:24 > 0:42:28- Really?- Yeah.- That's what the new Ferrari's called.
0:42:28 > 0:42:31I was talking about Ferrari.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33I feel like Chewbacca now.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35- "Let the wookiee win." - HE GRUNTS
0:42:37 > 0:42:42- Where do you reckon you've come on that?- I don't know. 1:49, maybe.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46Well, you did it in 1...
0:42:46 > 0:42:4840...
0:42:48 > 0:42:494...
0:42:49 > 0:42:53- Oh!- ..point 5.
0:42:53 > 0:42:59- Oh!- So that puts you third...
0:42:59 > 0:43:02We did really well.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04Well done.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07Thank you, Jeremy.
0:43:07 > 0:43:11- Are you surprised by this? - Imagine if I weighed 11 stone. I'd get round in 1:08!
0:43:11 > 0:43:16That is a remarkable performance. Have you done track? You've been here before.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19- I've never done it. - You've never driven on a track?
0:43:19 > 0:43:22- I bought you a track day, you never went.- I never went.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25You should try and take it up because there's a natural talent.
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:30 > 0:43:32Thank you very much.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34- Well done, man.- I know.- Brilliant.
0:43:38 > 0:43:39Right, moving on.
0:43:40 > 0:43:42Tonight...
0:43:42 > 0:43:45Tonight we are engaged in a challenge that was supposed to be
0:43:45 > 0:43:50to find the best four-seater convertible you can buy for less than £2,000.
0:43:50 > 0:43:53Yeah. Sadly, though, we all bought BMW 325i.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56So instead we're finding out how different
0:43:56 > 0:44:00three supposedly identical cars have become over the years.
0:44:00 > 0:44:06Yeah. So far we've discovered that his car is full of mucus and mine full of poo...
0:44:06 > 0:44:09- And pubic hair.- Yeah. And spent most of the time broken down.
0:44:09 > 0:44:13But as we rejoin the action, all three cars are actually working.
0:44:16 > 0:44:18What you're looking at here is the Stig
0:44:18 > 0:44:23setting a lap time in the modern-day equivalent of our cars.
0:44:23 > 0:44:27A time we shall try to match.
0:44:27 > 0:44:32I'm, in some ways, confident. I have the paving slab in the boot giving me better handling,
0:44:32 > 0:44:36and yet not confident at all because I have no brakes.
0:44:39 > 0:44:43- I wonder if my brakes are any good. - You don't know, do you? - Not really, no.
0:44:43 > 0:44:46Oooh, stand back!
0:44:48 > 0:44:511:35.09.
0:44:51 > 0:44:55Right, now we just have to see which one of us gets closest to that time.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59Here we go.
0:45:03 > 0:45:04Wipers not working.
0:45:04 > 0:45:09OK, this, little BMW, is when you win back your stripes.
0:45:09 > 0:45:11It's been lowered.
0:45:11 > 0:45:15I think you'll find it'll suddenly emerge as the star.
0:45:15 > 0:45:16TYRES SCREECH
0:45:17 > 0:45:22Get out of the way, you incompetent, long-haired old spaniel.
0:45:23 > 0:45:24I think this is Chicago.
0:45:27 > 0:45:29Come on, paving stone, do your work.
0:45:29 > 0:45:31TYRES SCREECH
0:45:31 > 0:45:33Holy moley!
0:45:33 > 0:45:38These old 325is, they had semi-trailing on rear suspension.
0:45:38 > 0:45:43They were known as the third biggest killer of yuppies because of the tail-happiness,
0:45:43 > 0:45:48after Porsche 911 and accidents involving races.
0:45:48 > 0:45:50Here's the non-braking Jeremy Clarkson.
0:45:52 > 0:45:55I'll go get Hammond.
0:45:58 > 0:46:03Ooh. I think I'm wasting quite a lot of time being sideways here.
0:46:04 > 0:46:10'Hammond was very easy to catch because whoever had lowered his car hadn't done a very good job.'
0:46:10 > 0:46:11He's got a wobble.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14Whoa!
0:46:15 > 0:46:20My car obviously isn't the fastest here, but it seems to be the most stable.
0:46:20 > 0:46:22TYRES SCREECH
0:46:25 > 0:46:26BLEEP
0:46:26 > 0:46:27'In truth,
0:46:27 > 0:46:32'all of our ultimate driving machines had lost their edge.'
0:46:33 > 0:46:34Oh, dear.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37'But Hammond's was in a class of its own.'
0:46:37 > 0:46:39Oh-ho!
0:46:41 > 0:46:44He's gone. He's so gone now.
0:46:44 > 0:46:45Ha-ha-ha!
0:46:45 > 0:46:47Ha-ha-ha!
0:46:49 > 0:46:53There's a simple rule when you're buying a car, demonstrated by Hammond here.
0:46:53 > 0:46:59If it's been modified, especially if it's been lowered, walk away.
0:47:02 > 0:47:07I'm beginning to think Jeremy's rather crude handling pack might be the answer.
0:47:07 > 0:47:11'With one lap to go, we all decided to really go for it.'
0:47:11 > 0:47:16No, no, no. Don't do that. Damn.
0:47:19 > 0:47:22My seat's collapsed, badly.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24'Still, could be worse.'
0:47:24 > 0:47:26ENGINE WHINES
0:47:26 > 0:47:28ENGINE WHISTLES
0:47:32 > 0:47:35Yeah!
0:47:35 > 0:47:37Right.
0:47:37 > 0:47:39Well, I hope I got a quick time in.
0:47:39 > 0:47:44We'd find out soon enough because the results were in.
0:47:44 > 0:47:49- Here we are, these are the times. Remember, the Stig did it in 1:35. - Yeah.
0:47:49 > 0:47:53James - 1:55.04.
0:47:53 > 0:47:57Me - 1:55.03 is my best.
0:47:57 > 0:47:58And, Jeremy, your best,
0:47:58 > 0:48:021:48.0 - which means you win.
0:48:02 > 0:48:05- It's a hollow victory. - Where's your car?- Over there.
0:48:05 > 0:48:07- It's quite broken. - What's wrong with it?- Well...
0:48:07 > 0:48:12the rear hose let go, sprayed water over the electrics, which shorted them out.
0:48:12 > 0:48:15The exhaust manifold is cracked
0:48:15 > 0:48:19- and the head's cooked. - You've killed it.
0:48:19 > 0:48:25Luckily for Jeremy, our next experiment didn't involve any movement.
0:48:25 > 0:48:30Over time, the roof on a convertible will get baggy and start to leak.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33To see which of our cars leaks the most,
0:48:33 > 0:48:36we've devised an ingenious test.
0:48:37 > 0:48:43James is sitting in his car holding his breath, because his car is full of gas.
0:48:43 > 0:48:48Now if the car leaks, the gas will escape, and when he needs to take a breath, he'll be fine.
0:48:48 > 0:48:53If it doesn't leak, the gas won't escape and when he needs to take a breath, he'll be in trouble.
0:48:53 > 0:48:55So is it cyanide we're using?
0:48:55 > 0:48:57- No, helium.- Helium?
0:48:57 > 0:48:58- Yeah.- Pure helium?- Yes.
0:48:58 > 0:49:00- That'll kill him.- Yes.
0:49:00 > 0:49:02- JAMES EXHALES - Here we go.
0:49:02 > 0:49:05- He's breathing.- That's it, come on.
0:49:05 > 0:49:08- HIGH-PITCHED:- Whose idea was this test? Bloody stupid idea.
0:49:08 > 0:49:10OTHERS LAUGH It's a very good idea.
0:49:10 > 0:49:11We've learned about your car.
0:49:11 > 0:49:16You sound like Donald Duck because your car has done well.
0:49:16 > 0:49:21Given the contents of his car, Hammond quite enjoyed holding his breath.
0:49:21 > 0:49:23HE EXHALES
0:49:26 > 0:49:28NORMAL PITCH: Ah, you see mine's had a new... Oh!
0:49:28 > 0:49:30OTHERS LAUGH
0:49:30 > 0:49:33Not a new roof fitted very well.
0:49:33 > 0:49:39- You thought you'd have a squeaky voice!- I was expecting a full Smurf and it's not worked.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44Finally it was Jeremy's turn.
0:49:44 > 0:49:48- He's going to have to breathe. He's done it.- Right.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50- HIGH-PITCHED:- I just have to say that's stupid.
0:49:50 > 0:49:53It's just a test of how big your lungs are.
0:49:53 > 0:49:56After this we got Jeremy's car going
0:49:56 > 0:50:01and went to see a group of BMW specialists.
0:50:01 > 0:50:03Their job was to calculate the cost
0:50:03 > 0:50:07of returning each of our cars to showroom condition.
0:50:11 > 0:50:15These cars come from a time when people fitted after-market stereos.
0:50:15 > 0:50:17Let me talk you through this one.
0:50:17 > 0:50:19Here's the radio.
0:50:19 > 0:50:23- STATIC - That's Radio 1, Radio 2,
0:50:23 > 0:50:27- Radio 3, Radio 4... - STATIC CONTINUES
0:50:27 > 0:50:30..Radio 5.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32STATIC CONTINUES
0:50:32 > 0:50:33Don't know what that is.
0:50:33 > 0:50:37Eventually the experts had finished their assessments.
0:50:37 > 0:50:41- Who has the results for Richard Hammond's sewage farm?- I do.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43£7,500.
0:50:43 > 0:50:467,500 to put that into showroom condition?
0:50:46 > 0:50:49Sir, you have the results for James' car.
0:50:49 > 0:50:53- Around 5,500.- So £2,000 less. - Well done.
0:50:53 > 0:50:55- Did you just say well done?- I did.
0:50:55 > 0:51:00You're a girl. How much would mine cost to put into show?
0:51:00 > 0:51:01Well, how many pence?
0:51:01 > 0:51:03- HE CLEARS THROAT - Er...11,000.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05- That's pounds, not pence. - OTHERS LAUGH
0:51:05 > 0:51:08- What a pile of junk! - Why is it £11,000?
0:51:08 > 0:51:12What possible reason is there for that?
0:51:12 > 0:51:14- Oh.- Oh, there's a few reasons.
0:51:14 > 0:51:16Oh, it's blown away.
0:51:17 > 0:51:22Since none of our cars were really roadworthy, we decided at this point
0:51:22 > 0:51:28that the best thing we could do with them was form a stunt driving team.
0:51:28 > 0:51:31We began by watching the experts.
0:51:38 > 0:51:40How do they memorise the moves?
0:51:44 > 0:51:46That was a J-turn.
0:51:46 > 0:51:49I can do all the moves individually, I think.
0:51:55 > 0:51:59'It all looked terribly complicated and that was a worry,
0:51:59 > 0:52:03'because the next day, we would be performing in front of a live audience.'
0:52:07 > 0:52:11Wow. That's quite good.
0:52:11 > 0:52:13We're going to need to work on that.
0:52:13 > 0:52:18'We began by planning our moves on a blackboard.'
0:52:18 > 0:52:22That's the nose of the car that way, pointing that way. That's James.
0:52:22 > 0:52:27Over here, right, that's Jeremy.
0:52:27 > 0:52:28Then here...
0:52:31 > 0:52:35- Those cars both have J on.- They both have J.- So it could be...- Oh.
0:52:35 > 0:52:37'James took over.'
0:52:37 > 0:52:40We have a numbering system, so you go first. I cross behind you...
0:52:40 > 0:52:44Everything goes through that point, the point of the performance...
0:52:44 > 0:52:46'But his plans were a bit confusing.'
0:52:48 > 0:52:49Sorry, I'm lost.
0:52:49 > 0:52:51Which is my dotted line now?
0:52:51 > 0:52:55- That one.- No, you were this one. - Yeah, it is that one.
0:52:55 > 0:52:59'Nevertheless, we wet the track to make it more slippery
0:52:59 > 0:53:01'and got to work.'
0:53:01 > 0:53:02Right, here we go.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10'Initially, things didn't go well.'
0:53:10 > 0:53:12This is just a lot of driving about.
0:53:15 > 0:53:20- Why have you gone over there?- Sorry.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23'Then, thanks to my awful brakes, they got worse.'
0:53:23 > 0:53:26- I'm not stopping, I'm not stopping! - MUFFLED THUMP
0:53:26 > 0:53:27Oh, damn it.
0:53:29 > 0:53:32'Despite everything, though, the next day we were ready to perform
0:53:32 > 0:53:36'at one of the most prestigious venues in the country...'
0:53:38 > 0:53:40In the wild, birds of prey...
0:53:40 > 0:53:42'..The Essex County Fair.
0:53:45 > 0:53:48'Our cars had been given a new lick of paint,
0:53:48 > 0:53:50'and as zero hour approached,
0:53:50 > 0:53:53'we were in our motor home rehearsing our moves.'
0:53:53 > 0:53:55- Go.- Right, so...
0:53:55 > 0:53:57- Turn, Turn, through.- And I'm here.
0:53:57 > 0:54:00- Handbrake.- Back forwards.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03- Face the other way by then.- Through the gap. Round you.- Handbrake.
0:54:03 > 0:54:06- OK, ready? And then now... - Cross, I go first.
0:54:06 > 0:54:08Over there.
0:54:09 > 0:54:12- It's going to be magnificent. - Right, let's do it.
0:54:15 > 0:54:19- We're a bit like the Red Arrows. - Pretty much. It's quite an exciting moment.
0:54:22 > 0:54:27Ladies and gentlemen, introducing from TV's Top Gear, The Dukes Of Harlow stunt driving team.
0:54:27 > 0:54:33'The capacity crowd was beside itself.
0:54:33 > 0:54:37'As the music signalled the start of our routine, we entered the arena.'
0:54:37 > 0:54:40MUSIC: "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen
0:54:40 > 0:54:44We'd better deliver. Suddenly feel this is quite a responsibility.
0:54:46 > 0:54:48Right, left, down...
0:54:48 > 0:54:51left, straight up.
0:54:51 > 0:54:53Must remember that crossover.
0:54:56 > 0:54:59Ready, steady, go.
0:55:02 > 0:55:03And turn, turn.
0:55:06 > 0:55:07Oh!
0:55:13 > 0:55:17Now, it is a shame we can't show you the rest of that film,
0:55:17 > 0:55:20- but we lost the tapes.- Yes! - Can you believe it? - LAUGHTER
0:55:20 > 0:55:26- You left them on a bus. And then the dog ate them.- Yeah. Dog ate them.- It is a rotten...
0:55:26 > 0:55:30It is a massive shame, because the rest of our routine was brilliant.
0:55:30 > 0:55:33It's just a tragedy you can't see it. I do apologise.
0:55:33 > 0:55:39Never mind, it does at least give us time to knock up a scoreboard and see who bought the best car. Jeremy?
0:55:39 > 0:55:43Yes. In the 0 to 100 and then 0 again test,
0:55:43 > 0:55:45James set the benchmark, so he gets zero.
0:55:45 > 0:55:49I got minus 281 and, Hammond, you got minus 1,000.
0:55:49 > 0:55:53- I didn't even take part. - That's why you get minus 1,000.
0:55:53 > 0:55:58Now, forensics, you get ten points off for every disgusting thing that was found in your car.
0:55:58 > 0:56:04Mine was crisps, leaves and bits of my own skin, so that's not really disgusting at all, so 0.
0:56:04 > 0:56:08James, you were mucus, scabs and saliva.
0:56:08 > 0:56:11You're minus 30.
0:56:11 > 0:56:14Hammond, you, let's get this straight, you were saliva, blood...
0:56:14 > 0:56:18- But there was no mucus in mine!- No mucus, but there was pubic hair...
0:56:18 > 0:56:20- Yeah, yeah. - ..so minus 30 and then poo.
0:56:20 > 0:56:22- Yeah.- That's 1,000...
0:56:22 > 0:56:27- Why do I get minus 1,000 for poo? - Because poo's really disgusting!
0:56:27 > 0:56:30Of course you're going to get minus 1,000 for that.
0:56:30 > 0:56:35- We don't make the rules. The thief test. Jeremy... - JEREMY MOUTHS:- We do!
0:56:35 > 0:56:38- Your car wasn't stolen so you get 0.- Yeah.
0:56:38 > 0:56:40My car wasn't, so I get 0.
0:56:40 > 0:56:44- Hammond, your car was stolen. - Yes?- And you get minus 1,000.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46Do I? LAUGHTER
0:56:46 > 0:56:50- How do you get to that?- It just is, it's scientific, this. Lap times.
0:56:50 > 0:56:52You didn't get minus 1,000 for that.
0:56:52 > 0:56:55They're there. The gas test.
0:56:55 > 0:56:59Let's get this straight. No gas escaped from my car so I get 0.
0:56:59 > 0:57:03No gas escaped from your car, James, so that's nought.
0:57:03 > 0:57:05All of the gas escaped from yours so that's minus...
0:57:05 > 0:57:09- Let me guess.- Yes, you're right, it's minus 1,000.- Is it?
0:57:09 > 0:57:14- Is it really?- Yes, it is. - The restoration test, here you lose a point
0:57:14 > 0:57:18for every pound it would take to get your car back to showroom condition.
0:57:18 > 0:57:21Now, I, as you would expect, did best at this,
0:57:21 > 0:57:25so I'm minus 5,500 points.
0:57:25 > 0:57:27It's like being on QI, this.
0:57:27 > 0:57:31Hammond, you are minus 7,500 points.
0:57:31 > 0:57:34- And Jeremy Clarkson...- Mmm-hmm.
0:57:34 > 0:57:37..you are minus 11,000.
0:57:37 > 0:57:41Ah! I might beat... Well, not him, but you, anyway.
0:57:41 > 0:57:45- What have you got, James? - I've won, obviously.- That's a given.
0:57:45 > 0:57:47You are...
0:57:47 > 0:57:49minus 11,293.1.
0:57:54 > 0:57:58- Minus 11,293.1.- Yes.
0:57:58 > 0:58:01- So, Hammond, this is tense. - Minus 11,000...
0:58:01 > 0:58:04- Still hope, though. I can still do it.- Oooh!
0:58:04 > 0:58:06- 549...- Yes!
0:58:06 > 0:58:07APPLAUSE
0:58:08 > 0:58:10I mean, well done, James.
0:58:10 > 0:58:15But, really, two conclusions we can draw from this.
0:58:15 > 0:58:20One, all identical cars aren't necessarily identical.
0:58:20 > 0:58:22Some of them do have pubic hairs in them and poo.
0:58:22 > 0:58:28And two, Richard Hammond, who buys more used cars than any man alive,
0:58:28 > 0:58:30is useless at buying used cars.
0:58:30 > 0:58:33- I am.- On that bombshell, it's time to end.
0:58:33 > 0:58:35See you next week. Take care. Good night.
0:58:35 > 0:58:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:58:54 > 0:58:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:57 > 0:59:00E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk