0:00:12 > 0:00:15Tonight, Richard wears a blue hat,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18James wears a different hat
0:00:18 > 0:00:21and I wear a hat with things on it.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello! Hello. Thank you.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Now...
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Now, as you may remember,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39before Christmas there was a bit of snow.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Everything stopped, we all ran about waving our arms in the air, saying,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46"Why in this country do we not have more snow ploughs
0:00:46 > 0:00:48"and more gritting machines?"
0:00:48 > 0:00:51The main problem of course, is cost, especially at the moment,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54because councils everywhere are laying people off,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57and they can't very well make a whole department redundant
0:00:57 > 0:01:01and then spend the £90,000 they've saved on a snow plough.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04No, especially if the snow plough will just be sitting around.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- It might not be needed for, what, five years?- Exactly.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09So, what is to be done?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Well, this is a combine harvester.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14And it works 24 hours a day through August,
0:01:14 > 0:01:17but then sits idly in a shed for the rest of the year.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22So how hard would it be to turn this in winter into a snow plough?
0:01:22 > 0:01:27To find out, we bought an old model of this very combine, in fact,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30and set about making the necessary modifications
0:01:30 > 0:01:34at Top Gear's top-secret winter testing facility in Nottinghamshire.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39On the B6011, just north of Bestwood, St Albans.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48This is the result of our endeavours.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Straight away, you can see we've removed the rotating, cutting,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02harvesty blade thing off the front
0:02:02 > 0:02:04and replaced it with this snow blade.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08It's V-shaped, because that makes it more easy to cut through the snow.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11And this should be able to move through snow up to three feet deep,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13no problem.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Power comes from a V8 diesel engine
0:02:18 > 0:02:21which drives these chunky front wheels.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24In the snow, as any BMW driver will tell you,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27front-wheel drive is a lot better than rear wheel drive.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30And the combine, when you think about it,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32it's as if it was designed with snow clearance in mind.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35It's uncanny. Everything about it, the ground clearance,
0:02:35 > 0:02:39knobbly tyres, front-wheel drive, the weight of it. It's all there.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43It's one of those times on Top Gear when you look and think, actually, actually...
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- We've accidentally been a bit clever.- This might work.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Since the Dominator has a top speed of just 12mph,
0:02:53 > 0:02:57it was easy to decide which one of us would be the driver.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00What happens if I put it on full?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01ENGINE ROARS
0:03:01 > 0:03:03BLEEP
0:03:03 > 0:03:04I don't like that.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Give it the beans!
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Faster!
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Hang on, it's not like a rally car.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- He's going the wrong way. - See, rear wheel steering, look.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18It's not very sensitive steering.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Oh, BLEEP.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Oh, BLEEP.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27There is, of course, one tiny drawback to the combine as a snow plough.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32- Because it was designed to work in August, it has no heater.- No.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Which is why there's a drum in there, you can probably
0:03:34 > 0:03:37see through the window, and that's, well, it's an urn.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40We put that in there,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42full of... Well, we wanted tea.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43But James said "I want Bovril".
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Because he's in 1950.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49We all know that when it's snowing and it's cold, you have Bovril.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51That's a rule of life.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55He likes to paint himself all over in it, it's like baby oil to him.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- That's what he does.- Bovril!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Him and his lorry driver friends,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01all Bovrilled up, and then they slip about.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02That's what they do!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Urgh!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Besides attaching a plough on the front,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11we'd also converted the tube that normally shoots out
0:04:11 > 0:04:15the harvested wheat into a makeshift gritter.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23I shall be responsible for shovelling the grit from here into this hopper.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28I should be good at this, cos my first job was, in fact, shovelling grit into a water filtration plant.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Go on then, shovel. Make shovelling.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34And while he's doing that, I shall explain my role.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I can use this lever here
0:04:37 > 0:04:42to swing the arm to direct the flow of grit either on to the pavement
0:04:42 > 0:04:44or onto the road behind.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Yes, look at this!
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Initiating gritting.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Red.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- Yes!- And there was grit!
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Ha ha! We've made a gritting machine!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07But there was one more check we wanted to do.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13You know when you're following a gritting lorry, there's that ticka-ticka-ticka,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and you think, "No, it's turning my car into a DeLorean!"
0:05:15 > 0:05:21Exactly. So to make sure this isn't too powerful, we've got Hammond in a car, who's going to come in here.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24We're going to do an experiment, fire the gritter at it,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26make sure it doesn't actually take the paint off.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- It'll be all right sideways, won't it?- Yeah, yeah.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34OK James, engage.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Initiating gritting.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Oh, God! Stop it, James, there's been a problem! Make it stop!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Gritting ceased.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Apart from the fact the grit would kill the occupants
0:05:53 > 0:05:58of any car it hit, we felt that the Dominator was ready to start work.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01But there was a problem.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07It's not going to snow, is it?
0:06:07 > 0:06:11With crossed fingers, we tuned in to the weather forecast.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16- Shh.- RADIO:- We'll see a change in our weather this week. Temperatures starting to climb,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19things heading milder. We've had a fair bit of cloud around already.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23The good news is there's absolutely no sign of the cold air
0:06:23 > 0:06:26returning in the near future. It's a very mild outlook.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- The reason we've got all this warm air, it's pumping up from the tropics.- What does he know?
0:06:30 > 0:06:36He doesn't have to rub it in, does he? He sounds all gleeful about it.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40So, if the snow wouldn't come to the Dominator, we would take the Dominator to the snow.
0:06:45 > 0:06:51Here in Norway, we decided to clear the snow from a frozen lake to make a runway.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56And then a Nor would land his plane on it.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- This is quite snowy. - It must have snowed.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04We knew the ice would be thick enough for a light aircraft,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07but what about our heavy snowbine?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Oh.- Ooh!
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I thought you'd be drilling for hours! That was ten seconds!
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- Don't move, don't move!- Seriously, has that gone through?- Yes.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Norwegians actually have a chart
0:07:22 > 0:07:24to say...
0:07:24 > 0:07:27how much weight you can put on various thicknesses of ice.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- So how thick is it?- 45 centimetres.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Well, say 50...- No, let's say 40.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34It's 45.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38So, 50 centimetres of ice, 12 tonnes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Combine's more than that.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- 13 tonnes.- 13 tonnes. - So, we can't do it?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Well, it is only a tonne over.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Bravely, Hammond and the optimistic Jeremy decided not to be on board,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54as I gingerly drove the snowbine out of the woods...
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Bloody big this thing.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00..towards the ice.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Three yards to the lake.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04This is it.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08CREAKING
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I don't like that noise.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Eventually though, I made it.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Did I or did I not say we'd be all right?
0:08:21 > 0:08:26- Yeah, was that or was that not based entirely on guesswork anyway?- Yes.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32But as my guesswork was correct, we set to work.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38We're ploughing.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43We're ploughing, chaps, look at this!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Yah. Here we go!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53The snowbinester, it works!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Yeah! Come on!
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- Come o-o-o-o-on!- Yah, yah!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03This is... Ooh!
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- I think we've just gone through it. - Ho-ho! Yeah, we have.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13It's not an emergency, it's just time to empty your bowels.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Sinking. Sinking.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20- Bravely, Jeremy dismounted... - James, back it up.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23..and started issuing orders.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27That is sinking badly.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Put your blade down, James.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32That's just gone through again.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35When the combine finally moved, we could see the scale
0:09:35 > 0:09:36of the peril.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Oh-oh-oh!
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- That's 300 metres deep.- It's just...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45It's just water.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52However, unlike the snowplough people at Heathrow Airport, we decided not to just give up.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59Do you know how many flights were cancelled in Heathrow last year
0:09:59 > 0:10:01because of the weather?
0:10:01 > 0:10:033,700.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Do you know how many flights were cancelled in Oslo because of the weather?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- 2,000?- Two. Two.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14- Heathrow, 3,700. - Cos we had one bit of snow?
0:10:14 > 0:10:19And as we were proving, all that misery was completely unnecessary.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22There really is no excuse.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Heathrow, BAA, if you're watching this, you're pathetic.
0:10:26 > 0:10:32And if anybody in a meeting says "Oh, well, the reason why it was shut is... ", sack him.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36There is no reason why it was shut because it isn't difficult to clear a runway.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39It just isn't.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43My rant was interrupted at this point by news from below decks.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45BUBBLING Bovril's...
0:10:47 > 0:10:48The Bovril's boiling over.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52And up top, Hammond was still fretting about the ice.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Urgh!
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Oh, my God, that's another crack there. Look!
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Yep. Big one.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03When we go through, it's going to be worse for him.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Oh, God, yes, because he will be pawing at the glass, desperate.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Right now though, he was pawing at the steering wheel.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15James! James, go right, you idiot!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Stay right, it's a straight line we're looking for!
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Yeah, I think this will be a tricky landing, actually, James.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23We got into a tank slapper.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Look where we're pointing.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27James, the trees indicate land.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Eventually, though, James mastered the rear wheel steering.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I'm waiting to look behind us and see a runway,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37complete with lights and everything.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39That isn't happening, but it's not bad, look.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43And pretty soon, the runway was finished.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48So we pulled over and radioed the pilot,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51giving him permission to land.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It's not the smoothest runway.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56No, but there's less snow on it than there was.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59It is smooth enough, isn't it? Well, we're about to find out.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Here he comes.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- Look at that.- Job done.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Ladies and gentlemen...
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- WE did that.- WE did that. - RICHARD LAUGHS JUBILANTLY How about that?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Sadly, though, our celebrations were premature.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- Oh, my God.- Yeah, that is quite bumpy.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- He's crashed. - He has pretty much crashed there.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35At a time like this, there's only one thing a man can do.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Right, quick, go.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Just get in and go!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Right, James, run!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49APPLAUSE
0:12:51 > 0:12:53That was embarrassing.
0:12:53 > 0:12:59- That was deeply embarrassing. - It is a bit.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Look, I know we're often accused of faking things on this programme,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05but trust me, you can't actually fake a plane crash.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07No. I think it's safe to say
0:13:07 > 0:13:11that we won't be getting a Christmas tree for Trafalgar Square this year.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13We'll be picking that film up later on.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16We want to explain, it isn't just a massive cocking around.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Because we really do believe that we were on to something with that snowbine
0:13:19 > 0:13:22because if you think about it, if it works,
0:13:22 > 0:13:23farmers can rent out equipment
0:13:23 > 0:13:25that would normally be sitting idle,
0:13:25 > 0:13:29councils don't have to maintain a fleet, which saves them a fortune,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31and we get our roads open.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33So we really do think it's worth persevering with.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Anyway, now we are going to do the news.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I'll begin by talking about Nissan.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40They've announced they're making a new electric sports car
0:13:40 > 0:13:44which they're going to exhibit at the Geneva Motor Show, which is soon.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45That's a picture of it.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48And they've sent us lots of details about this car.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Interestingly and unusually,
0:13:49 > 0:13:53they've also sent us a description of the sort of person who'll buy it.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57An actual biography. And I'm quoting now from Nissan themselves.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59They say the driver, OK, "Daniel..."
0:13:59 > 0:14:01So this guy doesn't exist, they've made him up?
0:14:01 > 0:14:07Yeah. Well, they say "Daniel, an Esflow owner, works in tech but lives for the weekend.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11"On Friday night after work, he gets behind the wheels of his Esflow,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13"which instantly links with his pocket PDA..."
0:14:13 > 0:14:15He sounds like a bit of a prat.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20- He does, doesn't he?- Anyway, OK, "..it determines the fastest route to his girlfriend's home.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23"On Sunday, he drives through the mountains for leisure." Moooo!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26On his milk float. Anyway...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28And then he gets home eventually,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30and it's all charged up, and he lives in Barcelona.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Hang on a minute, he's called Daniel?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Could he be the Daniel from the Elton John song?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Yes, that's who he was writing about.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Hang on...
0:14:39 > 0:14:43# Daniel is travelling tonight in his stupid electric sports car
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- No, it wasn't. - # I can see the red tail lights...#
0:14:46 > 0:14:50You wouldn't be able to. Battery-powered. They'll have gone flat.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55# Daniel's girlfriend is bouncing around on a man with an Aston v8... #
0:14:56 > 0:15:00I've just had a thought, Hammond. What is James' middle name?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02It's Daniel.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Yes, it is. - Anyway, that's enough Daniel.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Bentley have announced that in the next James Bond book,
0:15:09 > 0:15:13007 will be driving a Bentley Continental.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- There you go.- What? Is that the next James Bond? Look at him!
0:15:17 > 0:15:22- He looks like an accountant. - GEEKY VOICE:- The name's Bond. Hello, I'm licensed to kill.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26What is the book called? On Her Majesty's Customs and Excise?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Moon-ledger.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Live and Let File.
0:15:32 > 0:15:37- I should just point out that that man is the author of the book, not the new Bond.- Ah.- Sorry.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I don't know why you'd want a modern Bentley.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I drove one in Albania recently. It was terrible.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47- I was killed in it. - You were! So it wasn't all bad. It under-steered a lot.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- You know Infiniti?- What, when James explains how something works
0:15:50 > 0:15:54and infinity just stretches out in front of you for ever?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57No, not endless time and space. Infiniti, the Japanese car maker.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Oh, yeah.- Datsuns with a bit of velvet in them, basically.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04A bit like Lexus is to Toyota. Well, at the Geneva Motor Show, which is soon,
0:16:04 > 0:16:08they've announced they're going to show off a new direction they're going in.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11And this is the car they'll be showing. It's a Concept.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I just think it looks like an ordinary car that's melted,
0:16:14 > 0:16:18but what I'm worried about with this is they've called it the Urethra.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Are you sure?
0:16:22 > 0:16:27It's not actually spelt urethra, but it looks like it's pronounced urethra.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Now, isn't the urethra the bit in your old chap?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Isn't it the tube that connects your kidney to your bladder,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37where the wee goes to get from your kidney to your bladder?
0:16:37 > 0:16:38You just keep saying yes!
0:16:38 > 0:16:42How come you're an expert? You look like a scaffolder!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Are you actually a wee wee doctor?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47You are? What are you really?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- I'm a car salesman. - You're a car salesman.
0:16:50 > 0:16:56Anyway, so if you want a melted car named after a tube with urine in it,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58that's the car for you.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Now, Ferrari, OK.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02This year's F1 car, they said, is going to be called the F150.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06OK, that was the name of it. But then they got a call from Ford's lawyers,
0:17:06 > 0:17:12saying, "No, you can't do that because we own the name F150 and that will cause confusion."
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Let's look at the Ferrari. This is the F150, this year's F1 car.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Now let's have a look at Ford's F150.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24It's easy to see how the confusion could arise between the two,
0:17:24 > 0:17:25if you look at them together.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30What would be worse than getting pole position, on the grid, thinking, "Right, my big race...
0:17:30 > 0:17:35"Why is there a man in a cowboy hat sitting next to me? Oh, no, I'm in a pickup truck!"
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Ferrari actually say, and I'm quoting now,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"It's difficult to understand Ford's viewpoint on this matter."
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I'm sort of with them.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Anyway, they've changed the name. The Ferrari F1 car
0:17:44 > 0:17:50is now called the Ferrari F-Henry Ford Is A Massive Peach.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Two things with the same name don't necessarily have to be confused.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Like Hammond can mean a massive organ, or it can... Oh, yeah.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Anybody here play golf?
0:18:01 > 0:18:05You do? OK, I've got some news about personalised number plates.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I know you love that sort of thing in the world of golf.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12We've got the new 11 plates coming out very soon. You know, the numbers will be 11.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17Obviously, that's a wealth of possibilities for writing amusing words on your number plate.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Bulldog, Holland, gallops and so on.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Anyway, the DVLA, which is a big building in Wales,
0:18:22 > 0:18:27they're now selling these numbers for between £3,000 and £10,000.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29To be fair, it's between £3,000 and £10,000
0:18:29 > 0:18:33plus the fine you get for interfering with the letters and numbers on your number plate.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36True. We're the only country whose government says,
0:18:36 > 0:18:40"If you move the letters and numbers around to make this word, you can buy this from us,"
0:18:40 > 0:18:43and then they fine you for moving them around. A bit weird.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48Some of the words have been banned for being offensive or sinister.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Words like psycho and vulgar.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54But they have allowed ballbag.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56They have?
0:18:56 > 0:19:00No, they haven't. They HAVEN'T allowed ballbag.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03They haven't allowed ballbag, but they have allowed melons.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Isn't that sexist? Don't you think that's sexist?
0:19:07 > 0:19:12- It's sexist to me.- It's also not fair, because what if you were the wholesaler
0:19:12 > 0:19:16of giant hold-alls for transporting footballs in large volumes
0:19:16 > 0:19:18to school playing fields? You might want ballbag.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23It's won't be bought by... Well, they're not doing it, but it wouldn't be bought
0:19:23 > 0:19:28by a sporting wholesaler, just like melons wouldn't be bought by a greengrocer.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- It would end up on Jordan's pink horsebox.- What?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- Horsebox.- Oh. - What did you think I said?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35That. That's what I thought you said.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Now, one of the things we've learned over the years on this show,
0:19:40 > 0:19:44is that if you want a small, fast saloon car,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46you have to buy a BMW M3.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50I mean, you can go off, if you want, and buy a fast Mercedes
0:19:50 > 0:19:52or a fast Audi,
0:19:52 > 0:19:57but that's like going out and buying a Playstation war game that isn't Call of Duty.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01The M3 is the best, and that's an end of it.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Now, however, BMW claim they've made it even better.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Firstly, it's fitted with a device that cuts the engine
0:20:21 > 0:20:25when you stop at a set of lights, and then starts it again when you set off.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30All on its own, this will solve global warming.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31So that's good.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Next, it's available with a matt finish, which is as cool
0:20:42 > 0:20:46as buying some skinny jeans, and then making an app about them.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52There are some drawbacks to this, though.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55First of all, it costs £1,755,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59and I think that's a lot for a bit of paint.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Plus, you can't take it in a car wash, you can't polish it,
0:21:04 > 0:21:09and you must remove tree sap, dead insects and bird droppings immediately or you'll ruin it.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14So really, you're paying 1,700 quid for some inconvenience.
0:21:16 > 0:21:22The biggest new feature is what BMW call the Competition Pack.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25This will cost you £3,300.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29For that, you get bigger wheels and tyres, a lowered ride height
0:21:29 > 0:21:34and one or two software tweaks designed to keep you pointing in vaguely the right direction.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Or if the mood takes you, completely the wrong direction.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Woo-hoo, ha ha!
0:21:50 > 0:21:51This is very good!
0:21:56 > 0:22:01I'd love to say at this point that the Competition Pack has transformed
0:22:01 > 0:22:08the M3 into a mesmerising blend of God and Uma Thurman.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10But it hasn't.
0:22:10 > 0:22:16Truth be told, most of the time it makes absolutely no difference at all.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23In a straight line, it's no faster than the standard car.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28And around the bends, it feels exactly the same.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Except, of course, when you eventually spin,
0:22:32 > 0:22:38it'll assume you've arrived at a set of lights and cut the engine.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Why have you done that?!
0:22:40 > 0:22:45Nobody arrives at traffic lights backwards in a cloud of tyre smoke!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Stupid thing!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53However, with the Competition Pack,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56you do get one feature that you WILL notice.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03If you push this little button here, twice, you engage sport mode.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07It doesn't make any difference
0:23:07 > 0:23:12to the speed you go, but it does make the car very uncomfortable.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I know, for example, this runway is very smooth.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22But now, it feels like I'm driving over a teenager's face.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31So there we are. The Competition Pack.
0:23:31 > 0:23:38You spend £58,000 and what you get in exchange is a normal £55,000 M3,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41with a little button that makes it worse.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52So what about this? The new Audi RS5.
0:23:52 > 0:23:58This is also £58,000, but it does come with many bells and a fleet of whistles.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06It has four-wheel drive, a new mechanical centre differential
0:24:06 > 0:24:12and an electronic gizmo that splits the torque between the rear wheels.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Sounds juicy! And that is before we get to the engine.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20A Lamborghini-derived 4.2 litre V8.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Audi has even gone to the trouble of fitting the engine with a device
0:24:28 > 0:24:34that fires a droplet of petrol into the hot exhaust every time you change gear.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35So, ready?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- RUMBLING - Oh!
0:24:39 > 0:24:46They are using the planet's resources to make changing gear sound nice.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47I like that.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52But can it beat the BMW?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Let's find out.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02He has 414 brake horsepower, I have 30 more.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05So I am expecting to just cruise by.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08But the Audi is heavier, and despite the high-tech four-wheel drive,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11it is nowhere near as good on the corners.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Come on!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I will get him on the next one.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Oh, dear.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23No matter, I will get him on the braking...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30I won't get him on the braking.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Woah... Understeer!
0:25:39 > 0:25:43This is weird, because in all fast Audis that I can remember,
0:25:43 > 0:25:49the engine has always been way out in front of the front axle, sticking out like Bruce Forsyth's chin.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55In this, they have moved the axle forwards.
0:25:57 > 0:26:02The idea being that that would kill the understeer that has always plagued Audis.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Honestly, it really hasn't worked.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Come on! Turn!
0:26:12 > 0:26:18The only hope you have of getting past is that, eventually, the BMW driver will have to pull over
0:26:18 > 0:26:21to wipe an insect off the bonnet.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31I thought the RS5 would be a modern day version of the original Quattro.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34A hardcore, fire-spitting monster.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37A machine born in the forests.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Rough, brutal, exciting.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45But it isn't. It is comfortable and relaxing and quiet.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49I am sorry, but if that is what you want, why spend £58,000
0:26:49 > 0:26:53on a four-wheel drive V8 with an air brake?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04In short, then, neither of these cars really works.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08As a result, we are back where we started.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11If you want a small, fast saloon,
0:27:11 > 0:27:12buy a standard M3.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19APPLAUSE.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Hang on!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24What's to applaud?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Let's work this out, shall we?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30A couple of weeks ago you reviewed three cars that no-one can buy.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- Yes.- And you have just reviewed two cars that no-one will want to buy.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- Yes, I have.- Thank you.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39But listen. I have another problem with the Audi, apart from the ones we have already seen.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42You know Audi sponsor Manchester United?
0:27:42 > 0:27:46How many people here support Manchester United? Hands up.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48SPORADIC BOOING
0:27:48 > 0:27:51It is a few, so they think, "Yes, we like Audis."
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Now, how many people here hope that Manchester United, the entire team,
0:27:55 > 0:27:57catches gonorrhoea and is unable to play ever again?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00CHEERING
0:28:00 > 0:28:04That is the problem with a car firm when it sponsors a football team.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07It automatically means the vast majority of people,
0:28:07 > 0:28:09my son included, hates Audis!
0:28:09 > 0:28:10- If anyone doesn't support that team...?- Exactly!
0:28:10 > 0:28:15I do not want to think that if I bought an Audi, any of my money, even a tiny bit, is going to Wayne Rooney.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19Or Sir Ferguson. With his chewing gum.
0:28:19 > 0:28:24Anyway, it is now time to find out how fast these cars go around our track.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28That, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
0:28:28 > 0:28:34Some say that in his wallet he keeps a photograph of his wallet.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36LAUGHTER
0:28:38 > 0:28:43And that in a recent race, even he was beaten by The King's Speech.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47All we know is, he's called The Stig.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50And they're off!
0:28:50 > 0:28:54The track is moist and that should favour the four-wheel drive Audi.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Let's see as they come up to the first corner.
0:28:59 > 0:29:00Audi is OK there.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02What about the BMW?
0:29:02 > 0:29:06No, it is getting a bit out of shape. A bit squiggly, there.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10# Tequila! It makes me happy! #
0:29:10 > 0:29:12I have no idea why he is listening to that.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16There we are, the RS5's front end washing out.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18The BMW still tail-happy.
0:29:18 > 0:29:23The Hammerhead. Will the Audi follow its nose like a truffle pig?
0:29:23 > 0:29:25It seems to be doing all right.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28The tyres squealing, though, with that precise Germanic pain.
0:29:28 > 0:29:32BMW drifting like a matt-painted lunatic.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35# Tequila! It makes me happy! #
0:29:35 > 0:29:40The V8 powering into the follow-through.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43The Audi has got its dander up now, through the tyres.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47Not much in it so far. Two corners left.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51Here they come now, they're braking, the RS5 looking a bit squirrelly.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53The brakes are not that great on the track.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57They're both slithering through Gambon, and across the line.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59APPLAUSE
0:29:59 > 0:30:06So the Audi RS5 did it in 127.5, so that's there, the moist symbol.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08The Competition Pack, although it doesn't have four-wheel drive
0:30:08 > 0:30:14and the track was a bit wet, 126.5, so that goes there. Way faster.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Yeah, but hang on, where is normal M3?
0:30:17 > 0:30:20- There, so it is not as fast. - As the normal M3, no.
0:30:20 > 0:30:25This is the best car. And always will be and there is no point ever thinking otherwise.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29Now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32My guest tonight appears in a new film alongside Nicolas Cage,
0:30:32 > 0:30:37one of those films where everything explodes, there is a car chase and it is all in 3D.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41But she did cause a bit of a row in the office.
0:30:41 > 0:30:46You see, the producer said, "You can't have her on because nobody has ever heard of her."
0:30:46 > 0:30:49I said, "Yes, that is true, but she is bisexual.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53"Plus, she likes guns and muscle cars."
0:30:53 > 0:30:56And I won. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Amber Heard!
0:30:56 > 0:31:00APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:31:16 > 0:31:20If Carlsberg... They don't do guests for chat shows, but if they did...
0:31:21 > 0:31:23That's pretty close to perfect.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26- Where do we begin? - I hear that is a good sign.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30It is a good sign. I am trying to think of anybody I would rather be sitting and talking to now.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34No, can't think of anybody!
0:31:34 > 0:31:37The films you have been in previously haven't allowed you
0:31:37 > 0:31:41to indulge this passion for guns and muscle cars, I guess.
0:31:41 > 0:31:47Pineapple Express, Zombieland, and what was that one where you were naked pretty much throughout?
0:31:47 > 0:31:50- The Informers.- The Informers. I've watched that a lot!
0:31:50 > 0:31:56- I think that's why people watch it at all, to be honest! - I'm watching it now.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Come back to me. Come back to me.
0:31:59 > 0:32:05But the new movie, Drive Angry in 3D. Nicolas Cage.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07This is obviously written with you in mind.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11- I lo... This movie is so- BLEEP- cool.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14It is just... LAUGHTER
0:32:14 > 0:32:19It is. It's loud guns, fast cars and short shorts.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21On me, not Nicolas Cage.
0:32:21 > 0:32:25So, muscle cars. Where does this love come from?
0:32:25 > 0:32:29Well, I'm from Texas and I think that had something to do with it.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32It helps being from the South, where people are obsessed with their cars.
0:32:32 > 0:32:37- Have you actually got one? - Yes, I drive a '68 Mustang in LA.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41That's my car. AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:32:41 > 0:32:44You've just grown a third leg!
0:32:45 > 0:32:46He has!
0:32:46 > 0:32:49- '68 Mustang.- Oh, no!
0:32:49 > 0:32:54Has it always been muscle cars or did you go through a period of a Rabbit or whatever?
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Yeah, I mean, I've had everything...
0:32:56 > 0:32:58- LAUGHTER - It's a Golf, you stupid idiot!
0:33:00 > 0:33:04Has it always been a love of old, American big V8s?
0:33:04 > 0:33:09No, I've had a '67 Mercedes, '62 Checker.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12- The cab?- Yeah.- So the Mustang, is that in Los Angeles?
0:33:12 > 0:33:15- Yes, that's my baby. - And what colour is it?
0:33:15 > 0:33:20It was cherry red until the last time it got stolen. It gets stolen a lot.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Why does it get stolen so much? I would have thought
0:33:22 > 0:33:25it was fairly easy to find someone driving a '68 Mustang.
0:33:25 > 0:33:30Apparently burglars, or whatever you would call them, car thieves?
0:33:30 > 0:33:35- Bastards is another one!- Bastards. I like how you say it, "Bastards".
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Anyway, apparently it's just easy to find for all sorts of people.
0:33:38 > 0:33:43Most people who come here and talk about cars, who live in California, have gone out and bought...
0:33:43 > 0:33:46- A Prius.- Exactly. A Prius. Why haven't you gone down that route?
0:33:46 > 0:33:49I don't blame people for buying a Prius...
0:33:49 > 0:33:53- I think that's great, it's smart, whatever. You have a Prius? - No, I do not have a Prius!
0:33:53 > 0:33:55LAUGHTER
0:33:55 > 0:33:58I loathe them with an unbridled passion!
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Cos what I always say, when people say, "I've got a Prius because I really care,
0:34:01 > 0:34:06"I live in a yurt and I care about the environment, my shirt is made from leaves..."
0:34:06 > 0:34:08My shirt is made from leaves.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10- Is it?- No!
0:34:12 > 0:34:17It's just the Prius, the nickel for the batteries in that thing is mined in Canada,
0:34:17 > 0:34:21and then it's put on a ship and taken to Norway and made into the batteries and then it goes to Japan.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25The damn thing has done 2.5 million miles before you ever buy it in California.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28So I'd just ram into them in your Mustang, if I were you.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30I have done that, actually, in a Checker.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33- You hit a Prius?- No, I've rammed into a couple of them.
0:34:36 > 0:34:37Not just one!
0:34:37 > 0:34:40I'd just have got out and laughed if I hit a Prius.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44- Yeah, I need that!- We've done cars. Now we'll move on to guns.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48You are obviously from Texas, it's part of the culture there, I guess.
0:34:48 > 0:34:54- You grew up with them. - I grew up around guns, around gun owners and users.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58My dad at any given point has several on him, it's the culture.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00- I have a gun myself.- What sort?
0:35:00 > 0:35:02A .357 Magnum.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05I've gone again.
0:35:07 > 0:35:08Have you ever fired a machine gun?
0:35:08 > 0:35:12- I have. I have, actually.- Oh!
0:35:12 > 0:35:17I like the Squad Automatic Weapon, I set fire to Arizona once with one of those,
0:35:17 > 0:35:19it's full of tracer and you are just firing away.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22And then, "Oh God, the desert is on fire!"
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Great fun.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Sounds like you know how to party.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29LAUGHTER
0:35:29 > 0:35:31And on that bombshell...
0:35:31 > 0:35:34Thank you for watching and goodnight!
0:35:36 > 0:35:40- Obviously, you are from Texas. Austin, I believe.- Yeah.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44I went there once and went to a bar called the Broken Spoke.
0:35:44 > 0:35:49- Have you been there? - I used to square dance.
0:35:49 > 0:35:53- You didn't do line dancing?- Oh, yeah. I am from Texas, after all.
0:35:53 > 0:35:58This guy that ran it, I can remember he said, "We don't have none of that fancy Peer-ee-eh water."
0:36:00 > 0:36:03I think that was my dad!
0:36:03 > 0:36:07So, when you went back to Texas, which is a deeply conservative neck of the woods...
0:36:07 > 0:36:10- Bible belt. - ..and said, "This is my girlfriend",
0:36:10 > 0:36:13how did it go down?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15I think that, I have always been...
0:36:15 > 0:36:20I used to go to Catholic school and got in trouble for the books I read,
0:36:20 > 0:36:22written by George Orwell or Salman Rushdie...
0:36:22 > 0:36:26- You read a George Orwell book in Texas?- Yeah.
0:36:26 > 0:36:31I've kind of always found myself going against the grain and I have had to confront
0:36:31 > 0:36:36preconceived notions for what a girl like me should be like my whole life.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39I have always been myself and done my own thing.
0:36:39 > 0:36:43I'm surprised you weren't put in an electric chair for reading George Orwell. Cos he's a communist.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45I carry a gun!
0:36:47 > 0:36:51You came down here to do your lap wearing those shoes.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54- These are my driving shoes. - Did you actually do a lap in those?
0:36:54 > 0:36:57- They wouldn't let me.- What?
0:36:57 > 0:37:01- They made me wear a helmet, too. Can you believe that?- Made you what? - Wear a helmet. With this hair!
0:37:03 > 0:37:07- It's fluffed up nicely.- Thank you. I have fluffers!
0:37:07 > 0:37:09- The Stig... - LAUGHTER
0:37:11 > 0:37:19The Stig, OK, he was very... Please don't take this the wrong way, he is a very unusual person.
0:37:19 > 0:37:24He was very disappointed when you arrived because he was expecting Thora Hird, not Amber.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26I don't know who...
0:37:29 > 0:37:35He has a complete crush on her. He loves her. How did you manage to get on with our Kia Cee'd?
0:37:35 > 0:37:39It did OK on the track. Don't know if it would be my everyday car.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Shall we find out? Who would like to see Amber's lap?
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Yes!
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Here we go.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52- There's no wheel spin.- I was trying.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56- Come on! - What are you wearing on your hands?
0:37:56 > 0:38:00- Gloves.- What, driving gloves?
0:38:00 > 0:38:04Wow, that's how you go through there!
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Not all the road, but not bad.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Look at those gloves!
0:38:11 > 0:38:14- Are you actually a murderer, part-time?- Yes!
0:38:14 > 0:38:15They do look like strangler's gloves to me.
0:38:15 > 0:38:19This feels very illegal. Like it should be illegal.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22No, no, no. You can drive as fast as you like in Britain, you're OK.
0:38:22 > 0:38:27The yellow boxes record it for you. They send you a note of praise.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30That's not bad, a bit of understeer, not your fault.
0:38:30 > 0:38:35- And then...- This does not have quite the same intensity when you watch it back.- No, you're right.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Whoo-hoo-hoo!
0:38:37 > 0:38:42Open your eyes! Keep your eyes open, look where you're going on that corner.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44- That looks pretty quick, actually. - BLEEP.
0:38:45 > 0:38:51That is quite uncomfortable when you do that. Right, coming up, second to last corner.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53This is where most people get it wrong.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55I think you're on the wrong side of the road.
0:38:55 > 0:39:01There we are, into Gambon, where Tom Cruise damn nearly rolled it over.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03And there we are, across the line!
0:39:03 > 0:39:04APPLAUSE
0:39:12 > 0:39:16- Where do you reckon you have come? - I have no idea.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18- Well, Tom Cruise is 144.2. - That show-off!
0:39:18 > 0:39:23It was a bit showy-offy. Cameron Diaz, who you probably also know, is 145.2.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26- Oh, really?- Anyway, you did it...
0:39:27 > 0:39:29..in one minute...
0:39:29 > 0:39:32- 50.3.- Oh!
0:39:32 > 0:39:38- Which means that's the slowest dry lap we have ever had!- Oh, no!
0:39:39 > 0:39:43It is a record of sorts!
0:39:46 > 0:39:50The most important thing is that we now know you are a beautiful,
0:39:50 > 0:39:56well-read, intelligent, well-travelled, bisexual gun and muscle car enthusiast.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00Ladies and gentlemen, you really have struck lucky this week. Amber Heard!
0:40:00 > 0:40:04APPLAUSE
0:40:04 > 0:40:05Thank you.
0:40:16 > 0:40:20Right. Now. This evening we are solving Britain's financial crisis
0:40:20 > 0:40:24by turning a combine harvester into a snow plough.
0:40:24 > 0:40:28Earlier on in Norway, we used it to make a runway on a frozen lake.
0:40:28 > 0:40:32If we are honest, things did not go entirely to plan.
0:40:32 > 0:40:36No. The aeroplane that we landed sort of crashed a bit, but never mind that.
0:40:36 > 0:40:42We pick up the action later that same evening, heading for a nearby town where Jeremy was
0:40:42 > 0:40:45very keen to try out a de-icing attachment he had fitted.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56I am the God of hellfire
0:40:56 > 0:40:58and I bring you fire!
0:40:58 > 0:41:00- Yes!- Crikey.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04'As we entered the town, we all went to action stations.'
0:41:04 > 0:41:08- I'm turning the Bovril on. - We need more revs.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14We've got grit! Hammond, you've got good grit!
0:41:14 > 0:41:18'Unfortunately, the communications were a bit ropey.'
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Stop! Stop, we've hit the building!
0:41:23 > 0:41:26Fans are on, going forwards.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29No, stop! Stop, stop, stop!
0:41:29 > 0:41:32James, James, stop!
0:41:32 > 0:41:34No, drive. Don't stop. Drive! Drive!
0:41:34 > 0:41:38- Just drive away. - He did it! He did it!
0:41:38 > 0:41:40'Annoyingly, it was a dead end, so James had to do
0:41:40 > 0:41:45'a three-point turn, which he's not that good at in a normal car.'
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Stop, stop, stop!
0:41:52 > 0:41:55'But if I'm honest, Jeremy and I were not much help.'
0:41:55 > 0:41:57Now!
0:41:57 > 0:42:00Hard left, hard left. Up to the right. To the right.
0:42:00 > 0:42:03Not now, wait until the top of the slope! Not now!
0:42:06 > 0:42:08- Maybe straighten up now. - Straighten up now.
0:42:08 > 0:42:09'I have also had a wee!'
0:42:09 > 0:42:16Can you give me clear instructions rather than a load of hysteria? I have no idea what is going on here.
0:42:16 > 0:42:21'After much palaver, we finally broke free.'
0:42:21 > 0:42:23We have damaged it quite badly at the back.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26And that house!
0:42:26 > 0:42:30But it is OK, because we have gritted at least 30 ft of road.
0:42:35 > 0:42:39'On the High Street, we had yet more success.'
0:42:44 > 0:42:48I'm in a Ford Sierra Cosworth seat with a flame-thrower.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52It is not possible to be happier than that.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55Here we go, burning the bank!
0:42:55 > 0:43:01We are gritting, we are flame-throwing, we have done a bit of ploughing.
0:43:01 > 0:43:02It is all marvellous.
0:43:04 > 0:43:08It's like we are International Rescue. We are Thunderbirds!
0:43:08 > 0:43:12Cruising Norway, looking for people who need our services.
0:43:12 > 0:43:16I have to do the three-point turn now, chaps, we're at the end.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19I will provide the rear lighting.
0:43:19 > 0:43:24- It's like a reversing light, this. - Yes, kind of.- Look.
0:43:24 > 0:43:29When Jeremy fires his flame-thrower, I can see a little bit in that mirror.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32Keep going backwards, James. Keep going backwards.
0:43:34 > 0:43:40- No, no! Look what I have done! - What have you done?!- Go, go, go!
0:43:40 > 0:43:42'Again, there was only one thing to do.'
0:43:42 > 0:43:46Are we running away?
0:43:46 > 0:43:48I have no idea what is happening.
0:43:50 > 0:43:56'After much driving around and doing things, we were hungry and the tank was empty.'
0:43:56 > 0:44:00Dive in here for fuel and a bag of crisps and then we will carry on.
0:44:02 > 0:44:07- Woah!- Does he realise how much the back swings out?
0:44:08 > 0:44:12I am going to clear this thing of snow for them, that will make them happy.
0:44:12 > 0:44:13Watch this!
0:44:16 > 0:44:17Cock!
0:44:20 > 0:44:23- 'Why have we stopped?' - I was trying to clear that thing
0:44:23 > 0:44:26of snow but it's got a car in it.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29I was going to be helpful and clear that, there was a car in it.
0:44:29 > 0:44:33- A car?- It was covered in snow. I thought it was a pile of snow.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36- It is not covered in snow! - It's not now, you moron! It was!
0:44:36 > 0:44:38Why did you ram a car?
0:44:38 > 0:44:40- He rammed into a car! - I was trying to be helpful!
0:44:40 > 0:44:42'There was only one thing to do.'
0:44:42 > 0:44:45Go, go. Run away, run away. Run.
0:44:48 > 0:44:54'So far, then, we had crashed a plane, ruined a car, burned a sign and smashed a house.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57'Then, things got worse.'
0:44:59 > 0:45:03Hang on, I've jammed my... My flame-thrower's jammed!
0:45:03 > 0:45:06The flame-thrower is jammed.
0:45:06 > 0:45:09So what are you doing?
0:45:10 > 0:45:13I can see a yellow mist in the mirror.
0:45:16 > 0:45:20There's a man on fire! James, Jeremy has set fire to a skier. Run away.
0:45:20 > 0:45:23'Running away.'
0:45:23 > 0:45:28I think if we do get reported to the police, it will not take them very long to find us.
0:45:28 > 0:45:33'Still, as we weren't actually being stoned by an angry mob,
0:45:33 > 0:45:36'we went to bed that night feeling quite cheerful.
0:45:38 > 0:45:42'However, the next morning there was bad news.'
0:45:49 > 0:45:51What does it actually say? Is it upbeat?
0:45:51 > 0:45:54I don't think it is going to be upbeat, is it?
0:45:54 > 0:45:58HE QUOTES IN NORWEGIAN
0:45:58 > 0:46:01"An incredibly small man knocked my house..."
0:46:01 > 0:46:04- Good morning.- Morning.
0:46:04 > 0:46:05We're in the paper.
0:46:05 > 0:46:11Maybe it says what a good service we provided? We cleared the snow and...
0:46:11 > 0:46:14No. "A man who looked like a dog crashed into one of my trees."
0:46:14 > 0:46:17I don't think it's a good idea to stay here any more.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19- Can I make a suggestion?- Yes.
0:46:19 > 0:46:23Since this is a sort of prototype and we're testing it, why don't we test it on a country road
0:46:23 > 0:46:25where there is just snow?
0:46:25 > 0:46:26No people.
0:46:26 > 0:46:32No people or cars or buildings or trees or benches, let's just try and clear some snow.
0:46:32 > 0:46:36'This was a good idea. So we fired up the Dominator and headed for
0:46:36 > 0:46:42'a road so remote, even the Norse had abandoned it to the weather.
0:46:45 > 0:46:50'A mountain pass called The Road of Terror... probably.'
0:46:54 > 0:46:56If we can open this road...
0:46:56 > 0:46:57- The only one...- With this.
0:46:57 > 0:47:01We'll have proven the worth of this machine, internationally.
0:47:01 > 0:47:05And I think we will be forgiven for the small things we have done wrong.
0:47:05 > 0:47:09The man on fire, houses, the car, the sign...
0:47:12 > 0:47:17'Eventually, we arrived at the gates to a frozen hell.'
0:47:17 > 0:47:21One of the problems we found yesterday was that you tend to get
0:47:21 > 0:47:25snow sticking to the plough, building up, and it doesn't work as well.
0:47:25 > 0:47:31So, an idea that I had is to cover the plough itself in a mixture of oil and diesel.
0:47:31 > 0:47:34I'm now doing it, because it is my idea.
0:47:34 > 0:47:36He is claiming it is his idea.
0:47:36 > 0:47:40I happen to know he was talking to a snowplough driver in the bar last night.
0:47:40 > 0:47:43Nothing is going to stick to that.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46'With the preparations done, we set off.'
0:47:52 > 0:47:54Come on, Dominator!
0:47:56 > 0:48:00'Our destination was a desolate hamlet 10 kilometres away.'
0:48:01 > 0:48:03Look at that.
0:48:05 > 0:48:09Boldly ploughing where no Norwegian has ploughed so far this winter.
0:48:14 > 0:48:18This is a 1980s machine, so that is a cassette player.
0:48:18 > 0:48:21- Do you think James is getting lonely up there?- He'll love it.
0:48:21 > 0:48:28I bet £10 million he is fantasising about being a lone skipper of some
0:48:28 > 0:48:31weather-battered trawler out in the North Sea.
0:48:31 > 0:48:36A lone skipper, but with one quite attractive man in the galley!
0:48:37 > 0:48:43MUSIC: "The Sun Always Shines On TV" by A-ha
0:48:43 > 0:48:50'With the oiled plough scything nicely through the snow, Jeremy and I swung into action.'
0:48:55 > 0:48:58# Burn, baby, burn! Disco inferno... #
0:48:58 > 0:49:00Let's grit.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08The gritting is going well, Hammond.
0:49:12 > 0:49:13Oh...!
0:49:15 > 0:49:16Aah!
0:49:16 > 0:49:18JEREMY LAUGHS
0:49:23 > 0:49:26Aagh! I've lost my wedding ring!
0:49:26 > 0:49:31- What?- I've lost my wedding ring! - Has it gone in the thing?
0:49:31 > 0:49:33It must have done.
0:49:33 > 0:49:36That is a tricky one to explain.
0:49:36 > 0:49:41'Soon, though, we had bigger things to worry about than Hammond's ring.'
0:49:45 > 0:49:48- 'What was that?'- I nearly went through the windscreen.
0:49:48 > 0:49:52'But a snowy hillock was no match for the Dominator.'
0:49:52 > 0:49:54Take this, snow!
0:49:56 > 0:49:57Charge!
0:49:57 > 0:49:58Brace, brace, brace!
0:50:01 > 0:50:03- Yes!- We're through!
0:50:06 > 0:50:11'However, while the battering ram was OK in this lonely place...'
0:50:11 > 0:50:13Oh, no, no, no, no! Don't do it!
0:50:13 > 0:50:16'..the rear-wheel steering was a nightmare.'
0:50:19 > 0:50:21No, no, no. Tank slapper.
0:50:26 > 0:50:28It has got a mind of its own!
0:50:30 > 0:50:33'And on the hills, we had a serious power shortage.'
0:50:33 > 0:50:36James, is that full-speed?
0:50:36 > 0:50:38Yes, it is.
0:50:38 > 0:50:43OK, that's enough. Go back, you're digging holes, don't do that!
0:50:45 > 0:50:46Stuck.
0:50:46 > 0:50:50If you think about it, a combine harvester is designed
0:50:50 > 0:50:53to never work in the snow, or the rain, or on a hill.
0:50:53 > 0:50:57It is always flat ground on lovely summer's evenings.
0:50:57 > 0:50:59It is out of its comfort zone here.
0:50:59 > 0:51:02'Which meant that, sadly, so was I.'
0:51:05 > 0:51:11- Jesus!- He'll want the Victoria Cross now for using a shovel.
0:51:11 > 0:51:12Yeah, he will.
0:51:13 > 0:51:17Will I just raise the plough and take his head off?
0:51:17 > 0:51:19Yes. Oh, for God's sake!
0:51:21 > 0:51:24'Each kilometre was now a gruelling challenge.'
0:51:24 > 0:51:27Go! Stop!
0:51:27 > 0:51:31'And my ingenious snow-measuring tactic did not go brilliantly.'
0:51:34 > 0:51:36Ow! That's a lot harder there.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38RICHARD LAUGHS
0:51:38 > 0:51:42'But the Top Gear snowbine kept on moving.'
0:51:42 > 0:51:43- Go!- Full power!
0:51:49 > 0:51:52- Look at us carving a path. Look, that's us.- I know.
0:51:53 > 0:51:57This road is open and will remain so until it snows again!
0:51:57 > 0:52:01Tonight, probably. Or tomorrow.
0:52:01 > 0:52:04'Warning. The Top Gear Snowbine Harvester is approaching!'
0:52:08 > 0:52:11This is really annoying. For the first time in my life, I've got one
0:52:11 > 0:52:16of those Tannoy things and there is absolutely nobody to talk to.
0:52:20 > 0:52:23James, there is one kilometre to go!
0:52:23 > 0:52:26One kilometre and this road is open.
0:52:26 > 0:52:29Who fancies a celebratory Bovril when we get there?
0:52:29 > 0:52:34Unless Bovril is a code word for something dirty, I don't want to do that.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39Hang on, getting a bit of a tank slapper. It's wandering off!
0:52:42 > 0:52:46Oh, no! Getting a tank slapper, it's flat out.
0:52:48 > 0:52:50BLEEP.
0:52:50 > 0:52:55'This time, we had come off the road and into a massive snowdrift.'
0:52:59 > 0:53:03- Jesus wept.- That is a lot of snow.
0:53:03 > 0:53:08The snow out here that we are in is incredibly deep.
0:53:08 > 0:53:12Yes, that is what I feared. It felt quite deep as it went off the edge.
0:53:12 > 0:53:16You can see, the extent of the problem is quite big.
0:53:16 > 0:53:22- The whole machine is...- BLEEP.
0:53:22 > 0:53:26'So one wheel was stuck and one was spinning uselessly.'
0:53:26 > 0:53:28Full power!
0:53:34 > 0:53:36It's not going to do it.
0:53:38 > 0:53:43'Spurred on by the previous day's failures, we dug furiously.'
0:53:48 > 0:53:51Just for once, I want to do something properly.
0:53:51 > 0:53:54I want to clear this road and do it.
0:53:54 > 0:53:56No cocking about.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04This is coming out of here.
0:54:04 > 0:54:07'Rock it back. Now forwards!'
0:54:08 > 0:54:10That feels abusive.
0:54:12 > 0:54:15I'm wearing the clutch out. Hang on, it's starting to smell.
0:54:15 > 0:54:17Don't stop, James!
0:54:17 > 0:54:23'With darkness falling and the temperature dropping, this was no time for mechanical sympathy.'
0:54:23 > 0:54:26Come on, James. We can do this.
0:54:32 > 0:54:33Oh, nearly!
0:54:33 > 0:54:36Go, go, yes!
0:54:41 > 0:54:42Yes! Come on! Come on!
0:54:42 > 0:54:45Come on!
0:54:48 > 0:54:50Yes!
0:54:50 > 0:54:53- Yes! Yes!- That's it, climb aboard.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58'The Dominator surged forwards.
0:55:00 > 0:55:03'Soon, our destination hove into view.'
0:55:09 > 0:55:11We are so nearly there.
0:55:11 > 0:55:14Look at that!
0:55:16 > 0:55:20That is a blaze of glory!
0:55:21 > 0:55:24A blaze of glory, grit and Bovril.
0:55:24 > 0:55:27ON TANNOY: 'Ladies and gentlemen,
0:55:27 > 0:55:32'the Top Gear Snowbine Harvester has arrived.'
0:55:32 > 0:55:34'And so, there we are.
0:55:34 > 0:55:41'For once in our wretched lives on this programme, we had actually done what we set out to do.'
0:55:41 > 0:55:48- You know what?- What?- We have been ambitious and brilliant, and it is all thanks to the Dominator.
0:55:48 > 0:55:51- Successful.- Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure ploughing with you.
0:55:51 > 0:55:55- It has been a joy and an honour. - That was the right road, wasn't it?!
0:55:59 > 0:56:00APPLAUSE
0:56:00 > 0:56:03We did something! We were actually good!
0:56:03 > 0:56:06- I can hardly believe it but it is true.- Feels weird.
0:56:09 > 0:56:14Some conclusions we can draw from our outstanding success there.
0:56:14 > 0:56:22Britain has 3,700 snowploughs and gritters, and spends £160 million per year clearing snow.
0:56:22 > 0:56:24Obviously, that isn't enough because
0:56:24 > 0:56:28every time there is a light flurry, everything shuts down and closes.
0:56:28 > 0:56:34That is why our idea makes so much sense because there are 15,000 combine harvesters in Britain.
0:56:34 > 0:56:38All it takes to convert them into snowploughs is a spanner and a couple of burly men.
0:56:38 > 0:56:42- Well, the gritter bit was a bit more complicated.- And the flame-thrower.
0:56:42 > 0:56:46- I am not sure you need that.- No, you do! It is a good reversing light.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48You set fire to a man.
0:56:48 > 0:56:53No, I didn't! He spontaneously combusted as we were driving by.
0:56:53 > 0:56:56It was incredible. I have never seen anything like it.
0:56:56 > 0:57:00Anyway, the important thing is, our Dominator was an old machine.
0:57:00 > 0:57:03If we'd used one of the more modern ones with more power,
0:57:03 > 0:57:07especially if it had four-wheel drive, it would be brilliant.
0:57:07 > 0:57:11It would. There we are, we have succeeded where the Bank of England has failed.
0:57:11 > 0:57:16We have solved the country's financial crisis. I think we are all going to get knighthoods now.
0:57:16 > 0:57:17I suspect so.
0:57:17 > 0:57:19On that bombshell, it's time to end.
0:57:19 > 0:57:22Thank you very much for watching. Good night!
0:57:41 > 0:57:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:57:44 > 0:57:47Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk