0:00:12 > 0:00:15Tonight, I find a bicycle in a river...
0:00:15 > 0:00:18James annoys a dog...
0:00:18 > 0:00:21and Richard jumps over a dyke.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Hello!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello, good evening! Hello, everybody.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Now...
0:00:36 > 0:00:39we start tonight on our track.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44This is a place of screaming engines and tyre smoke.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49It is a cathedral to the god of thunder and the mistress of power.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52The natural home, then, for James May.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00That is a selection of sporty Astons.
0:01:09 > 0:01:16All of them neatly demonstrating exactly what's wrong with modern sports cars - handling.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24The people who make sports cars are absolutely obsessed with it, to the exclusion of everything else,
0:01:24 > 0:01:29like comfort, refinement. They just give you a racket, a load of smoke and a bad back.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32ENGINE ROARS
0:01:32 > 0:01:36That is the noise made by idiots - full of sound and fury
0:01:36 > 0:01:37and signifying nothing.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43The reason these Astons are so unnecessarily hard core
0:01:43 > 0:01:48is this because of this place - the Nurburgring.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52As soon as a car company comes here to develop a new model,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55they forget about everything else except lap times,
0:01:55 > 0:01:59and that is the ruination of a car.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Of course, those of you who know your Astons will be saying,
0:02:05 > 0:02:10"But there is a model for you - the DB9, the most grown-up and least sporty Aston of them all."
0:02:10 > 0:02:16The trouble with this, though, is, it isn't shaking my teeth out
0:02:16 > 0:02:20and it's not sending me into a boiling rage about handling,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22but it isn't really giving me the fizz, either.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26I think this has now gone a bit too far the other way.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29There's a slight whiff of old fart about it.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34So, what I need is the comfort of the DB9
0:02:34 > 0:02:38infused with some of the power of the red-hot DBS.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43And it looks like my prayers may have been answered...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46..with this, the new Virage.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51At first glance, it looks the same as any of the current Astons.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56But take a second look and you'll see that nearly all the body panels are new,
0:02:56 > 0:03:01as are the front grille and the streamlined headlights.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06But does it fill the gap between the DB9 and the DBS?
0:03:09 > 0:03:14Now, the DBS has 510 horsepower,
0:03:14 > 0:03:21the DB9 over there has 470, and the Virage, that has 490.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Logically, then, the Virage should be the second fastest.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I wonder how we can find that out.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30ENGINES ROAR
0:03:31 > 0:03:36Well, come on, we've got a runway and three Astons. What do you expect us to do?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Go!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Taking the DB9...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Only just. It's very close.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Oh, yes, yes, yes!
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Yes!
0:03:59 > 0:04:03The car in the middle of the power range
0:04:03 > 0:04:05came in the middle of the race. How about that?
0:04:05 > 0:04:12The Virage uses the same 6-litre V12 you'll find in the DB9 and the DBS,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15but, again, it's a sort of in-the-middle version.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21It's tuned differently from the DBS engine.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Now it gives 85% of maximum torque...
0:04:26 > 0:04:29it does 1,500 RPM...
0:04:29 > 0:04:35and it will go on to 186 miles an hour!
0:04:36 > 0:04:41And when all this gets a bit much, you have ceramic brakes as standard.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42So...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Phwoar.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Nice.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54As for the handling - surprise, surprise - it's sharper than the DB9
0:04:54 > 0:04:57but not as aggressive as a DBS.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00So let's move on to the price.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03The DBS is £170,000.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07The DB9 is £125,000.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12The new Virage is £150,000. You see - in the middle.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19So far, then, it's shaping up well, and it gets better.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22This is probably the best-looking of all the Astons
0:05:22 > 0:05:24and it has the nicest interior.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28The stitching is all done by one seamstress to keep the weave constant.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34And, joy of joys, the useless Volvo sat nav of other Astons
0:05:34 > 0:05:37has been ditched for one that works.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40However, before I can give this car a clean bill of health,
0:05:40 > 0:05:45I have to address the elephant in the room.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49The worry is, they've made another track monster.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53They've fallen for the same old trick - it's got to go round the Nurburgring, etc, etc.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56So I've decided to do something radical -
0:05:56 > 0:06:01leave the track and go for a potter round our airfield.
0:06:01 > 0:06:08My idea here is to go on something a bit like a real road and see what the ride is actually like,
0:06:08 > 0:06:15and it will allow me to show you all the bits of the Top Gear test track that you never normally see.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18That's actually our studio. This is Nigel's garage.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20He's a lovely chap.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Unfortunately, viewers, I then had to cancel the rest of the tour
0:06:24 > 0:06:28because, after just a few hundred yards, I was too cross to carry on.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31My God, I don't believe it. They've done it.
0:06:31 > 0:06:37I've got everything turned off, I've got sport off, the firm suspension off, but it's still too jiggly.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39HE SIGHS
0:06:39 > 0:06:43It's been ruined by the ride. Listen.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Rattle, rattle, bang, bang. That is not necessary.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53The Virage, then, is a missed opportunity.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58It could, and should, have been a comfortable gentleman's express.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Instead, it's just another pointless bone-shaking racing car.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- What?- Right!
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Is this going to be a five-minute argument, or do you want the full half-hour?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- No, cos I actually agree with you. - No... Oh, for God's sake!
0:07:27 > 0:07:32Look, the point is, Aston already make the DBS and the Vantage S
0:07:32 > 0:07:34for enthusiasts of the Nurburgring,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37but there might be somebody who wants a faster Aston
0:07:37 > 0:07:42- but maybe has, I don't know, backache, for example! - Yes, I agree with that.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Oh, shut up, man! Do you not realise this could have been that car,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- and it isn't, and that's a tragedy?- I know.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52You are such an idiot! Honestly!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Anyway, we must now find out how fast it goes round our track.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Why?!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:05Because that enables me to say some ludicrous things about our tame racing driver.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10Some say that he can't eat mashed potato for religious reasons...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:16..and that he recently received 47,000 tickets, Olympic tickets,
0:08:16 > 0:08:21all of them for the final of the women's wrestling.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24All we know is, he's called The Stig!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26And he's off.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29A nice controlled start there. And listen to that V12.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34OK, coming up to the first corner.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38It's a heavy car, this, but it manages to corner surprisingly flat.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Stig listening to the Bangles there, but in German.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Very odd.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53One lot of tyre smoke coming out of Chicago.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58Coming up to Hammerhead. Will the big engine upfront drag the nose wide?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00No, it is clinging on,
0:09:00 > 0:09:05and it is in fact... Yep! It's the back that's letting go first.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Very neat on the way out, though.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14OK, into Follow Through. Really opening up the taps now.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16You can hear him shift up.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Lifting it, actually, into the approach to the tyres.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22That is impressive. Just two corners left now.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Hard on those ceramic brakes. Fat Pirelli squealing.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Just Gambon left.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Sliding it through there and across the line!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:36 > 0:09:42He did it... He did it in 1.24.4,
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- so it's only half a second slower than the DBS.- Yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- And it would've been a much better car if it had been five seconds slower.- I agree.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Ah, you're insufferable!
0:09:53 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:10:02And now we must do the news, and we start off with news that since James drove that Virage,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Aston Martin have launched a new car, and here it is.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09It's called the V12 Zagato. There it is.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- James will be particularly interested in this, I think.- Will I?
0:10:12 > 0:10:17You will. Because the boss of the company was quoted this week
0:10:17 > 0:10:21as saying, "The Nurburgring is where we sign off every new model
0:10:21 > 0:10:26"and there could be NO better place for the new V12 Zagato to be finally tested,"
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- said the BOSS of Aston Martin. - For crying out loud!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32If I'd been in Bomber Command in 1943,
0:10:32 > 0:10:37I would have bombed the Nurburgring every night until it was gone!
0:10:37 > 0:10:42- Am I the only person who thinks like this?- This bad back of yours - does it make you a bit crabby?
0:10:42 > 0:10:47- It's nothing to do with my bad back. He's got a bad back as well, but he won't agree...- OK! OK!
0:10:47 > 0:10:52- Ride is important. - All right, all right!- Bomb it!
0:10:52 > 0:10:56It was a bad policy. Look where we are now. We no longer have Dresden Cathedral
0:10:56 > 0:10:59or all that lovely pottery, but we do have the Nurburgring,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02and under my bombing policy, we wouldn't have cars that rode badly
0:11:02 > 0:11:06and you'd have a nice cathedral to look at, and better saucers!
0:11:06 > 0:11:11Now, have you noticed how some of the best-looking cars you can buy these days
0:11:11 > 0:11:16- are, like, ordinary family saloons or hatchbacks or estates? - I know what you mean.- Yeah.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Citroen have sent us a picture of their new DS5.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21That is a good-looking ordinary, mid-size car.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- The Peugeot 508 is a good-looking car.- It is. We've got a picture.
0:11:25 > 0:11:31What makes that particularly good is that Peugeots in recent years have had the big guppy mouths on them.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Yes, that. That is a very good impersonation of a Peugeot.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37HE MUMBLES
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I can only impersonate a Morgan.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Can you do any other car?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47No, I can only do Peugeots, but I can do any Peugeot you name. 308.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50207. I'll stump him.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54You know the tiny one, the 1007 with electric sliding doors?
0:11:54 > 0:11:59Ah...ahh...ahh... It's exactly like that.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04Now, last week, we looked at a modern-day interpretation of the E-Type, which was fantastic.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Well, now there's another one. Here it is.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I just think that looks spectacularly good.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12It starts out in life as a Jaguar XK, our modern-day car,
0:12:12 > 0:12:17and then a Swiss company ups the V8 engine by 100 horsepower
0:12:17 > 0:12:22and then they fit a - I have to say - brilliant-looking carbon fibre and aluminium body,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- so it's 200 kilograms lighter. - That's gorgeous.- I know.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- I'm not sure I really like it. - That's cos you're odd.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34But...but I think there is a problem with this car...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37because they've called it the Growler.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39LAUGHTER
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Yeah.
0:12:40 > 0:12:46Now...now, we...we... we Googled "growler"...
0:12:49 > 0:12:52..and we were quite surprised and a bit shocked
0:12:52 > 0:12:54by what it turns out to mean.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57And do you know, Richard, I've forgotten what it is. What does it mean?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Can you tell the ladies and gentlemen?
0:13:00 > 0:13:05Well, you know those big welcome mats you might see on a girl in the '70s?
0:13:05 > 0:13:06That's what it is!
0:13:06 > 0:13:11- Yeah.- Why would you name your car after THAT?- Honestly, James, I don't think they knew.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I think they're sitting in Zurich, or wherever...
0:13:14 > 0:13:19This is the first time they've realised that "growler" means THAT in England.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23And they'll be sitting going, "Gott in Himmel!
0:13:23 > 0:13:28"Ve have accidentally named ze car after ein Fraugarten!"
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I'm not sure they're going to sell very many of those.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35No, neither do I. There's another reason why.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40- It costs £670,000.- Ouch!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43There probably will be a trimmed-down version later, but I bet you...
0:13:43 > 0:13:46just for the Brazilian market.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47I'm sorry.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It's called a Growler.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55There's a bloke at some point going to say, "I'm just going outside to wax the Growler."
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Oh, you dirty bugger!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Anyway, that is the end of the news.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Yes. Now, on Top Gear, we love hot hatchbacks.
0:14:11 > 0:14:17The idea of a sporty car and a practical car all rolled into one easy-to-park box is hugely appealing.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Yes, it is, but while we all agree that hot hatchbacks are brilliant,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24we cannot agree on which one is best.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28So the producers decided we should sort this out on a European road trip,
0:14:28 > 0:14:33beginning in the Italian town of Lucca, which is in Italy.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36WOMAN SINGS ARIA IN ITALIAN
0:14:43 > 0:14:49I was the first to arrive and, as you can see, my choice was superb.
0:14:50 > 0:14:57This is the Citroen DS3 Racing, and it does everything a hot hatchback should.
0:14:57 > 0:15:03It is bonkers to look at and, with 204 horsepower under the bonnet, is bonkers to drive as well.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07But it still has back seats that fold down. It's still small.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10It's still relatively inexpensive. It's...
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Ah, it seems Mr May has arrived in a driving instructor's car(!)
0:15:17 > 0:15:23This is a Renault Clio, but it's the Cup version.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31And it is, pound for pound, the most exciting car on sale.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36Not my words. Not my words. The words of Autocar magazine.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Autocar?- Yes. - The magazine that sacked you?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Yes.
0:15:40 > 0:15:45And I could point out that it's £16,000 and yours is, what, 23?
0:15:45 > 0:15:50- Where's your air-con, cruise control, sat nav? You haven't got anything.- It's got air-con.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- It's an optional extra.- It's an option that's been selected. - What have you got, 197 horsepower?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- Yeah.- 204.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59That's very nearly as much power as yours.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04In the same way that the Egyptian army is very nearly as powerful as the American army.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08- 197...- 'Mercifully, at this point, Hammond arrived...
0:16:09 > 0:16:12'..in a car from the 1950s.'
0:16:12 > 0:16:18Ha-ha! Gentlemen, behold the Fiat 500 Abarth convertible.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23- Best hot hatch ever.- Well, apart from a couple of things. One is, it's not very hot,
0:16:23 > 0:16:29- and two, it's not a hatchback.- It is hot. This has got the SS kit on.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- It says 158 brake horsepower in there.- Wow(!)
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Just a couple of things. Small.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39- Yes, it is. This is enormous. This is the Clio.- Cup.- Yes.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43You've brought one of those ridiculously gaudy training shoes
0:16:43 > 0:16:46with springs at the back that go, "Look at me, robot shoe."
0:16:46 > 0:16:51Look at it. This would look good on the deck of a Nimitz-class aircraft-carrier.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55We're not on the deck of a Nimitz-class...
0:16:55 > 0:17:01- We're in a beautiful Italian plaza. - You know what this is?- What? - Juvenile.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06- Juvenile?- James, one thing... - This is just a small French car.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- It also has an optional extra on it.- It has air conditioning, yes.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Yes, it has something else. - Ah, yes...
0:17:12 > 0:17:17- But I didn't...- What this actually means in Italian is "bell end".
0:17:17 > 0:17:21James, just a headline to sum up the cars.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Magnificent, ridiculous... (It's a bit boring, bland.)
0:17:24 > 0:17:30It might look boring... It isn't boring because... What are these cars about?
0:17:30 > 0:17:34They are about the sensation of driving, and this will give it to me because it's a small Renault
0:17:34 > 0:17:40- and they're the best in the world at that.- It's about fun and experience. It looks magnificent.- Looks?!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- You can put the roof back... - But it isn't a hatchback.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47It's like turning up to do the Grand National on a cow or a hen.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49It's not!
0:17:49 > 0:17:54'Seeing that this was going nowhere, the producer stepped in with a challenge.'
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- This is a no-brainer. - A man with a thing...
0:17:57 > 0:18:01"To see which of your cars works best in the urban environment,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04"you will now leave the city of Lucca."
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Is that it?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10< Yep.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14What, just drive out of a town? How hard can that be?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19As it turned out, very hard,
0:18:19 > 0:18:25because in this medieval walled city, the streets were complete maze.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Now, I think a left here. Oh, I can't go down there.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32I can't go left.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Right, but it doesn't matter too much.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I'll just go along here and then turn right.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Ah, no, there isn't a right. It's just somebody's drive.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42I HAVE to go left.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46One way. Really?! You don't say(!)
0:18:46 > 0:18:49JEREMY LAUGHS
0:18:50 > 0:18:55Every single turn you make puts you in exactly the same road as the one you've just left.
0:18:55 > 0:19:01Also, in any other city, the Renault and the Citroen would be considered quite small.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Cock.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06But here, they were huge.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10And...breathe in...
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Bloody hell.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14That's a squeeze.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18No, it's not going to fit. Sorry.
0:19:18 > 0:19:24Since when did the Renault Clio become an enormous car with a huge turning circle?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Happily, the Fiat was small enough, but I had another problem.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30This just isn't working.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35The visibility in the C version with the sliding roof,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39with the roof back, is, you know, it's good compared to, say,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42having a bag on your head or being blind.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47Eventually, I decided the best thing was to abandon ship.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Right, I'm leaving the car here. I'm going to go ahead on foot.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56I know I can make it on foot, find the way out, come back, pick up the car, drive out and win.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00This...this must be James's idea of hell.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03He gets lost in a hotel.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07That was a curve in that road which was essentially a right,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10but now I've gone to a left, so I must still be going the right way.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Driving through somebody's restaurant.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Hang on a minute...
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Is this... Is this the square where I started?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Yes, it is.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Hang on.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34That... That's the wall.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37That's the city wall.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I've found it! There it is!
0:20:41 > 0:20:45A bit of a hill. Wasn't expecting that. Never mind.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Er...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53No, it's that way.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Gearbox works.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Reverse, first, both good.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Meanwhile...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I think that ramp may have been a bit of a mistake,
0:21:03 > 0:21:08because the view from here and the view over that way of trees
0:21:08 > 0:21:12suggests I am actually on top of the wall. Still, could be worse.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Hi.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- I recognise you!- Yeah!
0:21:20 > 0:21:26Have you seen a Fiat, a small black and white Fiat... on your travels?
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Nothing to see here.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37Just a man driving on top of a historic monument.
0:21:37 > 0:21:43Eventually, I found my car and the way back to the city wall.
0:21:44 > 0:21:50That's the first time since I left that I've gone fast enough to activate the central locking.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54But outside the city gates, Professor Smug was already there.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Yes, there's no missing it, is there?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00A man standing next to a child's training shoe.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Did you see Lord Lucan(?)
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- No.- Oh, he's there. Shergar.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06They're all in there.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11'Even though James wasn't with us, another challenge then turned up.'
0:22:11 > 0:22:13RICHARD CLEARS HIS THROAT Right.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17"You will now drive to the town of Canelli,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20"which is 170 miles away, near Alba.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25"En route, you must collect the following items.
0:22:25 > 0:22:31"A branch of a cedar tree, ice-cubes, a photo of as many people as you can getting into your car,
0:22:31 > 0:22:37"a CD from a service station - but you may not get out of your car to get it -
0:22:37 > 0:22:40"a bicycle, a vine and a dog."
0:22:40 > 0:22:43A dog?!
0:22:43 > 0:22:44A vine? A bicycle?
0:22:44 > 0:22:49- Whereabouts on the Riviera are you going to find...? - And a branch of a cedar tree...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- Oi!- May!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Yeah?
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- What are you doing up there? - I can't find the way down.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01After the idiot explained his predicament, we filled him in on our new challenge.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Dog?!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- That's what I said, "A dog"! - What's the point of that?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09It's to see how practical the car is.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Well, off you go, then.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13So we did.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Autostrada, here we go.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26And as we headed north, we fell even more in love with our cars.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33If you have a big BMW or Mercedes, it's like an expensive suit,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37so it has to be a sober colour - silver, black, grey.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40But if you have a hot hatch, it's like a T-shirt.
0:23:40 > 0:23:46It can be anything you want - have writing on it, it can be orange, anything.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49That's why the DS3 Racing is so brilliant,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53cos they've just taken the idea of fun and gone mad with it.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Fizzy little car.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00RICHARD CHUCKLES
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Just setting the cruise control, Hammond. Are you able to do that?
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Sorry, it's a bit windy in here. I'm just going to close my roof.
0:24:07 > 0:24:12Have you closed yours already? Oh, you can't open it!
0:24:12 > 0:24:16In all fairness, the Fiat and the Citroen are very similarly equipped.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20There are more things on the Citroen, but this has everything you need.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25Operate the stereo from the steering wheel, electric windows, electric roof that opens. Ha-ha(!)
0:24:26 > 0:24:31Meanwhile, very far behind, Captain Sense Of Direction
0:24:31 > 0:24:33had finally found a way out of Lucca.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Bursting out into the sunlight...now.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I don't doubt that the others will be bleating on
0:24:44 > 0:24:48about how they have sat nav or leather upholstery, or whatever. But that's not the point.
0:24:48 > 0:24:54Renault has concentrated on the things that make this a hot hatch rather than just a hatchback.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59They know your money goes on the engine, this lovely steering wheel, this fabulous gear change.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02You get a dull interior. It is very boring, very basic.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05But I want this car to drive.
0:25:15 > 0:25:20Soon, we were in the hills and ready to start our challenge.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23A bicycle, dog.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27What else have we got? Ice cube. Get that near the end or it'll melt.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29I'm going to pull in here
0:25:29 > 0:25:33and attempt to buy a CD without getting out of the car.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Branch of a cedar tree...
0:25:37 > 0:25:39A vine.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44To make life harder, the producers hadn't given us any money to buy things.
0:25:46 > 0:25:52Fortunately, production has supplied me with some potential bartering items.
0:25:52 > 0:25:58I have a CD here of Robson & Jerome's love songs, and I've also got this one, the...
0:26:00 > 0:26:03A Cockney Christmas with Chas & Dave.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Do you speak English? - A little bit.
0:26:06 > 0:26:12Um...I may not get out of the car. Chas & Dave - molto popolare Inglese...um...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I don't understand.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16BELL RINGS OUT
0:26:16 > 0:26:22Can you go really far? Really far. Good, good, good.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25There's three in the front rightaway.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26OK, let's go.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Suspension's gone down a bit. That's ten.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33In we go. Oh, thank you, madam, for helping.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38Right, I reckon we'll get another four in the front. Oh, cyclist! You'll be thin.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Skinny as a stick. Yes!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Scusi, signora.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49It's his bottom. You've got his bottom in your face there.
0:26:51 > 0:26:5212.
0:26:52 > 0:26:5413.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56It's the 13th.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01That is 13 people in a Citroen DS3 Racing.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Beat that, Hammond. Beat that, May.
0:27:03 > 0:27:0614. Count 'em up!
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Oh, that is magnificent. That's for Italy.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12If I just do one for Italy, for Fiat. Ya-ha! We're all excited.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Er...
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Chas & Dave?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Robson e Jerome? Molto bene.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Since we had to be at the finishing point by six
0:27:27 > 0:27:34and there were bonus points for getting there first, it became a very busy afternoon.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Yes, that's a vineyard.
0:27:36 > 0:27:42TRANSLATION:
0:27:42 > 0:27:46No, the CD, OK? In the shop?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Um, I'm a scientist
0:27:49 > 0:27:54and I'm investigating the possible medicinal healing qualities of vines.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Now, I am able to offer you in part exchange
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- this commemorative plate. - MAN GUFFAWS
0:28:01 > 0:28:06- This! The swap.- OK...
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- For a vine...- Si.
0:28:09 > 0:28:17- I can give you molto valuable Wills and Kate souvenir wedding bell.- Ah, OK.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22MUSIC PLAYS
0:28:23 > 0:28:26That is a good stereo.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Can I just clarify, I'm not looking for bicycles to steal.
0:28:32 > 0:28:38Anyway, there's a policeman there. But it's a policeman on a bicycle.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47There you go. Off-roading.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Oh! Is that a cedar tree?
0:28:54 > 0:28:58- Citroen - pfff! Renault - ha! Fiat...- Fiat.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Ha! Better.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04- Very, very good, Fiat. - Yes, exactly.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07To show very good - bicycle in it.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11It's a police bike in a Fiat, it's just better!
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Hang on.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19I'm so hot.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21HE GASPS
0:29:23 > 0:29:26How am I going to get a bicycle in here as well?
0:29:32 > 0:29:33Grazie.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38- You don't have police dogs, do you? - Eh?- No, never mind.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Oh, God! It smells terrible.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49There were now just 20 minutes left
0:29:49 > 0:29:52in which to scavenge our remaining items.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56I've got to get a cube of ice. Not difficult.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58A dog...
0:29:58 > 0:30:02How do you scavenge a dog?
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Come on. Come on.
0:30:08 > 0:30:13Right, the final thing, ice.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Thank you so much for doing this.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19You are so kind. Tres gentil.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Could you just stay here? I have to get an ice cube.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26- SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN - Uno minuto.- OK.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Really got to hurry now. It's melting.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Come on.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Quicker, little Citroen.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40Have you ever been in a car with a tree growing out of the back, Theo?
0:30:40 > 0:30:42Probably not.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47James, too, had found a dog,
0:30:47 > 0:30:52but sadly his speed was limited by his ice-cube transportation system.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Which meant there was plenty of time for conversation.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05I like dogs and cats.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10I've just got a wet seat.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13That doesn't count.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15There's one left.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20- SCRAPING - Sorry about the noise. It's the tree dragging on the road.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23My ice cube is melting.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31It's very pretty here, isn't it?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Now, come on. Don't melt.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Coming through.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45- SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN - Huh? Oh, it's there.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47- THUD! - Ooh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Oh, no!
0:31:52 > 0:31:54- Er, that's...- OK, yes.
0:31:54 > 0:32:00- That's an actual person. - Yes, yes. First of all, well done, Hammond. Well done, well done.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02That's ice, as is that.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04- As is that.- Yes, it is.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07- Where's your dog? It's not a dog. - Yes, it is.
0:32:07 > 0:32:13- What this is, it's an acrylic fur stuffed with industrial waste. - That's no way to talk about a dog.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Yes, it is. Do you think this is a dog, dog?
0:32:16 > 0:32:20Look at that. That's proof enough for me! You can have that, little friend.
0:32:22 > 0:32:27James arrived just as the last of his ice cubes melted.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29- Good evening.- Good evening.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31- This is Francesca.- Hello, Francesca.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34- Francesca, this is Jeremy and Richard.- Let me guess.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38- Christ, has he made you pregnant? - No.- No.- You work fast, mate.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49We'll pick that up...
0:32:49 > 0:32:54We'll pick that up later on, but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56My guest tonight is a comedian
0:32:56 > 0:33:00who spends his weekends with other men dressed in leather.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04He's part of a minority group called motorcyclists.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08- Ladies and gentlemen, Ross Noble. - CHEERING
0:33:08 > 0:33:13- Good to see you, mate. How are you? - I'm very well.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17- Ross Noble, have a seat. - Thank you very much. Thanks.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19I just...
0:33:19 > 0:33:24Yeah, I just wanted to check because I didn't realise that you actually
0:33:24 > 0:33:28have a lady wrangler. You have somebody that just finds all the good-looking women
0:33:28 > 0:33:30and pokes them with a stick.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32"Get to the front, get to the front!"
0:33:32 > 0:33:36There's blokes in the middle that literally come to this show
0:33:36 > 0:33:41so that when the ladies move through they just stand there. "Mmm."
0:33:43 > 0:33:46- I must move on, if we may.- OK.
0:33:46 > 0:33:50- I've got a list here of your bikes that you currently own. Right?- Yeah.
0:33:50 > 0:33:55- Triumph Scrambler, 675R, Ducati Streetfighter.- Yep.
0:33:55 > 0:34:01BMW 450, KTM 250, Gas Gas 250 and a 1974 Norton Commando.
0:34:01 > 0:34:07- Why would you have so many, cos they're all the same?- That's quite funny, cos since your researcher
0:34:07 > 0:34:09talked to me about that, I've bought another one,
0:34:09 > 0:34:11- just to annoy you! - Make bikes live for us.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15I don't understand. They've no styling. Why are they different?
0:34:15 > 0:34:21To me, a car is a big box of metal with somebody sitting inside it.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23A bike, it's like you're part of the bike.
0:34:23 > 0:34:28You move on a bike and you look where you want to go and the bike goes.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30You see what I mean? You can move around on it.
0:34:30 > 0:34:35- But do you not get...? - Granted, granted, you can't have a sandwich while you're doing it
0:34:35 > 0:34:38but I'm working on that. I'm going to go on Dragons' Den with
0:34:38 > 0:34:44some sort of sandwich spring that I can ride along and go...
0:34:44 > 0:34:48I can tell you don't like cars cos I've got a list of your past car history.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51MG Metro, Cavalier.
0:34:51 > 0:34:56- All these cars met with terrible ends, didn't they, largely? - Yes. I have no...
0:34:56 > 0:35:00What I like about a bike is, if you get it wrong, you die.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02You see what I mean?
0:35:02 > 0:35:04What's good about that, it sort of keeps me on my toes.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08Whereas with a car...
0:35:08 > 0:35:10I lived on... It was old gravel roads
0:35:10 > 0:35:13and I forgot I wasn't Colin McRae.
0:35:13 > 0:35:18The back of the car started to sort of overtake me a bit and I thought,
0:35:18 > 0:35:19"That can't be good."
0:35:19 > 0:35:23As it came round, the car went up on two wheels
0:35:23 > 0:35:27and then it went onto its side and I started sliding down this hill.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31My wife's lip balm hit me in the face. There was crap everywhere and dust.
0:35:31 > 0:35:36The sat-nav just went, "Off route, recalculating."
0:35:39 > 0:35:41So you've come back to live in England now?
0:35:41 > 0:35:44- I have. Down in Kent. - Have you bought some land there?
0:35:44 > 0:35:46- I have.- Is it the country living? Organic farming?
0:35:46 > 0:35:50Oh, yeah. It's all organic, the whole lot. Cheese-making. (Not really.)
0:35:50 > 0:35:52What have you done with your paddock?
0:35:52 > 0:35:58I have bought 150 traffic cones off the internet and turned it
0:35:58 > 0:36:01into a motorcycle racing track.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04Which the neighbour's not too happy about, to be honest.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07Does he overlook your paddock?
0:36:07 > 0:36:10He does when he stands on a ladder and shakes his...
0:36:10 > 0:36:14I shouldn't be saying this on the telly. It's a bit of a...
0:36:14 > 0:36:20But, no. I mean, I love getting out there and I've got tractors,
0:36:20 > 0:36:25- I've got earth-moving equipment.- Oh! - And also, I bought a tank.
0:36:25 > 0:36:30- What sort of tank is yours? - Mine is an Abbot 433.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34- That's a self-propelled gun, though, isn't it?- Listen to you!
0:36:34 > 0:36:40Military purists would say that's self-propelled artillery.
0:36:40 > 0:36:41It looks like a tank.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44But when it comes up behind you down the shops...
0:36:46 > 0:36:50This is the thing. It was one of the best days of my life, actually.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52When I got the tank delivered - cos it's massive -
0:36:52 > 0:36:55and the guy brings it on a low-loader thing.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59He turns up and says, "There's no way that's going to go up the country lanes.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03"We're going to have to get the tank off and drive it to your house."
0:37:03 > 0:37:10The tank is there, my car is here, and this is possibly the greatest motoring experience of my life.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12I'm driving along, in me Hilux. I come through.
0:37:12 > 0:37:17There are two hedges either side and I drive halfway through and the tank
0:37:17 > 0:37:19is trying to keep up. He's going as fast as he can.
0:37:19 > 0:37:23I stop and a little old fellow comes round the corner.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26Now I've gone further down the narrow bit than he has
0:37:26 > 0:37:29and he stopped. And I went, "Go back."
0:37:29 > 0:37:32And he went, "No."
0:37:32 > 0:37:37You know when you just think, "I couldn't have set this up better."
0:37:37 > 0:37:42I went, "Go back", and he went, "No." I went...
0:37:45 > 0:37:47And the gun appeared and the guy went,
0:37:47 > 0:37:49"Oh, bloody hell!"
0:37:49 > 0:37:54- Murray Mints flying all over. - Are you actually allowed to drive it on the road?
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Not only are you allowed to drive it on the road,
0:37:56 > 0:38:00it's congestion-charge exempt. How good is that?!
0:38:00 > 0:38:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:38:04 > 0:38:11Oh, I love that. This is great. I have to say, the lap...
0:38:11 > 0:38:15- Yes.- We've heard about your car history. It's shocking. So did you crash?
0:38:15 > 0:38:17- Today?- Yeah.- Yep.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19LAUGHTER
0:38:19 > 0:38:23- Does anybody want to see the clip of the first attempt? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:38:23 > 0:38:24Let's have a look.
0:38:24 > 0:38:29Here we are, coming after the second to last corner. Here's Gambon.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Cutting the corner can help!
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Who would like to see the actual lap?
0:38:42 > 0:38:45- AUDIENCE: Yes! - OK, let's play the tape.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50That's good. And...
0:38:50 > 0:38:55- US ACCENT:- It looks like them Duke boys dumped themselves in a whole heap of trouble.
0:38:55 > 0:38:59- Right, there we go, first corner. - TYRES SCREECH
0:38:59 > 0:39:00Tortured tyres.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03Squealing like a pig, boy! Squeal like a pig.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Alice Cooper was talking about pigs.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08Drive it like you've stolen it.
0:39:10 > 0:39:11That's a wide line.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- Oh!- Ooh!
0:39:19 > 0:39:23Some valves coming out of the bonnet now as we turn into the Hammerhead,
0:39:23 > 0:39:25keeping it nicely between the lines. That looks very fast.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27You've gone into a trance.
0:39:30 > 0:39:35Flat out... Flat out through here. There we go. Woo-hoo!
0:39:35 > 0:39:37TYRES SCREECH
0:39:43 > 0:39:46- Best to keep your eyes open on that bit.- Well, you know.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48Let's have a look. This is...
0:39:48 > 0:39:50That was absolute bang on.
0:39:50 > 0:39:54And cutting it again or have we learned our lesson? No?
0:39:54 > 0:39:56- I say, gosh! That is... - AUDIENCE GASP
0:39:56 > 0:39:58..very good.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01That was a good couple of last corners there.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08These are the times.
0:40:08 > 0:40:09Where do you think?
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Who's another biker on there?
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Eh...Bill Bailey. Is he a biker?
0:40:13 > 0:40:17No. Do you really want to see Bill on a bike?
0:40:17 > 0:40:18Eh... Um... Oh...
0:40:22 > 0:40:26No, I don't, actually. I tell you what, Tom Cruise is a biker.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30Oh, yeah. All right, I'll be one ahead of Tom Cruise then.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Just put me out of my misery.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35- One...- Right.
0:40:35 > 0:40:3740...
0:40:39 > 0:40:42- Tom Cruise is 1.44.2.- Oh, stop it!
0:40:42 > 0:40:47- You're 1.43...- AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:40:47 > 0:40:50Ladies and gentlemen, the second fastest man...
0:40:51 > 0:40:55..we've ever had! Ross Noble!
0:40:55 > 0:40:58- CHEERING, WHISTLING - Thank you very much.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Bloody hell!
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Yeah.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06I have to say,
0:41:06 > 0:41:08it's those last two corners.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11They were absolutely perfect.
0:41:11 > 0:41:16Aw, look, I was beaten by another Northern comic.
0:41:16 > 0:41:21The Northern comics are the fastest people in the world, as it turns out.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24Yeah. Do you know how quickly we get home from our gigs?
0:41:24 > 0:41:31- Ladies and gentlemen, nearly a record-breaker, all-round good guy, Ross Noble.- Thank you.
0:41:37 > 0:41:42Now, tonight we are reviewing the boring Renault Clio Cup...
0:41:42 > 0:41:43It's not boring.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46Yes, it is. ..the childish Citroen DS3 Racing
0:41:46 > 0:41:49and the excellent Fiat 500 Abarth.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51So far we've found out what they're like in town,
0:41:51 > 0:41:54what they're like at being hatchbacks, but now it's time
0:41:54 > 0:41:58to find out what they're like when you put your foot down.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00The producers told us to leave our overnight halt,
0:42:00 > 0:42:05here in the foothills of the Italian Alps, and drive to Monaco down here.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24Right, at last.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27A chance to drive this little thing.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Steering just feels fabulous.
0:42:29 > 0:42:33Oh! A little crackle and bang on the overrun.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39Oh, yes, this thing grips.
0:42:39 > 0:42:44The grip is helped, no doubt, by being short and fat,
0:42:44 > 0:42:46so it's square on the road.
0:42:46 > 0:42:48Oh!
0:42:48 > 0:42:51I don't think I'd change anything about this.
0:42:55 > 0:42:59In a straight line, this is by far the fastest of the three.
0:42:59 > 0:43:030-60, 6.5 seconds.
0:43:03 > 0:43:08The funny thing is, even though it's called "the Racing"
0:43:08 > 0:43:12and it was designed by Citroen's motorsport division,
0:43:12 > 0:43:15it doesn't actually feel like a racing car or a rally car.
0:43:15 > 0:43:19It feels soft, it feels very Citroeny, quiet.
0:43:19 > 0:43:22And then there's the steering.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24There's no feel to it at all.
0:43:24 > 0:43:29You sort of have to guess how much lock to put in for each corner.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Is it this much? No, more.
0:43:38 > 0:43:40Here's a fact.
0:43:40 > 0:43:44Hammond has a 1.4 litre turbocharged engine,
0:43:44 > 0:43:47Jeremy has a 1.6 litre turbocharged engine.
0:43:47 > 0:43:52I have two litres, no turbocharger, and that's important because there's no lag.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55There you go. Through the bend, there's the power.
0:43:55 > 0:44:00The trouble was, though, it wasn't actually getting me anywhere.
0:44:00 > 0:44:04Hammond's little boot thing takes off like a rocket.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06He's getting away!
0:44:06 > 0:44:10The problem with that Renault is, brilliant though the suspension is and so on,
0:44:10 > 0:44:15it weighs more than the QE2 and you can see that coming out of the corners. It doesn't get going.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20(Though that could have something to do with its driver.)
0:44:20 > 0:44:24An interesting old bell tower over there.
0:44:25 > 0:44:28Eventually we reached the Riviera.
0:44:31 > 0:44:35There's the Mediterranean, glistening blue, which is amazing
0:44:35 > 0:44:37considering how many turds there are in it.
0:44:37 > 0:44:43As we approached Monte Carlo, I heard a familiar sound.
0:44:43 > 0:44:46- ENGINES ROAR - Chaps...
0:44:48 > 0:44:51..I think the Grand Prix is on.
0:44:51 > 0:44:52Oh, my God,
0:44:52 > 0:44:56- I think, down there... - Which Grand Prix?
0:44:59 > 0:45:05- Have either of you two ever watched the Monaco Grand Prix?- I think I watched it in the early '80s.
0:45:05 > 0:45:07That's the one in the town, right?
0:45:07 > 0:45:12Never has anyone had to work with such imbeciles.
0:45:12 > 0:45:18In the hills above Monaco, we were told to pull over for a challenge.
0:45:18 > 0:45:20- ENGINES ROAR - I love that sound.
0:45:20 > 0:45:25"Tomorrow, you will do three laps of the Monaco Grand Prix track.
0:45:25 > 0:45:28"Whoever posts the fastest time wins."
0:45:28 > 0:45:30The Monaco Grand Prix track?
0:45:30 > 0:45:32I'm going to drive around... That?!
0:45:34 > 0:45:39My hair is just... Seriously, that is just the boyhood dream!
0:45:39 > 0:45:44Hang on, if we've got to do hot laps of the actual... That puts you at a bit of an advantage.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47Not really. I've never actually driven round it when it's a racetrack.
0:45:47 > 0:45:52- I don't know the fastest line through Rascasse! - I don't know what Rascasse is!
0:45:52 > 0:45:56I don't know where it goes. You know how difficult I find it remembering a track.
0:45:56 > 0:45:59- Am I going to get a go round? Can I look at a picture of it? - I don't know!
0:45:59 > 0:46:02Exactly! I'll be driving around a foreign town.
0:46:04 > 0:46:10When the Grand Prix practice was over, we went in search of some F1 drivers so we could get some tips.
0:46:10 > 0:46:13And immediately, I found David Coulthard.
0:46:13 > 0:46:19And the key here is speed up the hill, not speed into St Devote.
0:46:19 > 0:46:22Concentrate on really getting that car turned,
0:46:22 > 0:46:26early on the power, because what you gain here, if you get on the power two metres early,
0:46:26 > 0:46:29you'll add five kilometres an hour to your top speed.
0:46:29 > 0:46:34- So there is a noticeable crest there?- Yes. You'll see as you're coming over the crest.
0:46:34 > 0:46:38- You've got a lot of grippy tarmac there.- On the apex?- On the apex.
0:46:38 > 0:46:41Meanwhile, down in the harbour,
0:46:41 > 0:46:45my colleagues had been rather distracted by all the parties.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47- Thank you, gentlemen.- Oh!
0:46:47 > 0:46:51Look confident. Look like you do this all the time.
0:46:51 > 0:46:54- Grab that woman with the things on sticks.- What?
0:46:54 > 0:46:57Where would you try in a road car to go by?
0:46:57 > 0:47:00- A good run through the tunnel and then on the brakes. - The left-right?
0:47:00 > 0:47:07So, over the crest, then as soon as you see his brake lights come on, count and you're in.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09- And then go on the left, stay left? - Yeah.
0:47:09 > 0:47:12We're doing a bit of driving around the track, you know,
0:47:12 > 0:47:14analysing some of the corners.
0:47:14 > 0:47:21- So, if you live in Monaco, do you drive around where the track is? - All the time.- Good.
0:47:21 > 0:47:24What hints have you got for me? I've got to drive around it tomorrow...
0:47:24 > 0:47:27Use the kerbs at four and five. It gives more grip.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29- Four and five?- Yeah.
0:47:29 > 0:47:32- And at Rascasse, I can take a lot of entry speed into that...- Yeah.
0:47:32 > 0:47:35..and then use the front-wheel drive to wash it off?
0:47:35 > 0:47:42Well, it's very much a party sort of place. It has very elegant properties.
0:47:42 > 0:47:48It's like Monaco in many ways, actually. Have you ever been to Hammersmith?
0:47:49 > 0:47:53At the end of the evening, we met up to compare notes.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56Have you found anything about the track out?
0:47:56 > 0:48:00- Yes, I have.- It's just over there, there's all these boats, and it's really busy.
0:48:00 > 0:48:05- Have you talked to a single racing driver?- Yes, we have.- Who?
0:48:05 > 0:48:09A very nice man called Tim O'Glock. An Irishman...
0:48:09 > 0:48:12- Timo Glock!- Timo Glock, yes.
0:48:20 > 0:48:24The next morning, the producers decided that because the track has no run-off areas,
0:48:24 > 0:48:29and is very dangerous, none of us could drive around it unless we had a bit of tuition first.
0:48:29 > 0:48:34Richard's tutor was Red Bull team boss Christian Horner.
0:48:34 > 0:48:38I got former Renault boss Flavio Briatore.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41And Jeremy was given an elderly gentleman.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44Bernie Ecclestone.
0:48:44 > 0:48:49- Bernie Ecclestone, as I live and breathe! How are you this morning? - Good. (Michel!)
0:48:49 > 0:48:56- Bernie?- Listen, we need these other two cars disqualified, huh? - No problem, no problem!
0:48:56 > 0:48:58It was time to begin.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01There's a flag waving. Oh, we're off.
0:49:01 > 0:49:05- Try and hook a right here. - We have to stay left, I reckon.
0:49:05 > 0:49:09No, you have to go there. JEREMY LAUGHS
0:49:09 > 0:49:14- Bernie, you old cheat! - We gained a bit!- We gained a lot!
0:49:14 > 0:49:17Let's go over to the right a bit, shall we?
0:49:17 > 0:49:22- And then... What was that lift, what was that lift?!- I didn't need to lift there, did I?- No!
0:49:22 > 0:49:27- JAMES:- I have to slow a bit. - Further. Go down with the gears. Jesus Christ!
0:49:27 > 0:49:31- That's a tight right.- Brake, brake, brake. What are you doing?
0:49:31 > 0:49:33Brake. Oh, my God!
0:49:36 > 0:49:40There are actually people watching as well. What do they expect, I wonder.
0:49:40 > 0:49:42They expect an accident.
0:49:46 > 0:49:51- You lifted it!- I'm terrified! I don't know what's going to happen! - Oh, God!
0:49:52 > 0:49:54- JAMES:- It's secondo for this one.
0:49:54 > 0:49:56Just brake, Jesus Christ.
0:49:56 > 0:49:59- Be careful now, huh?- Yep. - Left, right...
0:49:59 > 0:50:01It's too complicated, this.
0:50:01 > 0:50:06Get the kerb on the left. You missed it. Get the curb on the right. You missed it.
0:50:06 > 0:50:07Try and get this kerb.
0:50:07 > 0:50:10Christ, we missed that one as well!
0:50:10 > 0:50:12- Now, Rascasse.- Brake now.
0:50:12 > 0:50:14- Oh, really late?- Accelerate now.
0:50:14 > 0:50:18Tuition over, we ditched the teachers...
0:50:18 > 0:50:21- That was good. Come on, that was good!- Jesus Christ.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24..and set off on our warm-up lap.
0:50:24 > 0:50:28I am out of my depth to a degree I've never before experienced.
0:50:28 > 0:50:33The crowds were beside themselves as we started our first lap.
0:50:34 > 0:50:36Here we go.
0:50:39 > 0:50:41OK.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43Now, this creeps up on you.
0:50:48 > 0:50:52Whoa! BLEEP! BLEEP!
0:50:55 > 0:50:59- I'm struggling, I'm struggling! - Come on, Rich!
0:51:04 > 0:51:08Wait till you can see the Armco before braking. That's now.
0:51:18 > 0:51:22- Flavio corner. - ITALIAN ACCENT:- Jesus Christ-ah!
0:51:31 > 0:51:32I caught them up.
0:51:34 > 0:51:38Well late going in there. Get in, get in.
0:51:40 > 0:51:43It is simply terrifying. You just have no...
0:51:43 > 0:51:46I mean, look - fine, dead.
0:51:56 > 0:51:59- Oh, dear God.- That's Hammond dealt with in the tunnel.
0:51:59 > 0:52:01Now, James will not know where he's going.
0:52:01 > 0:52:04OK, now we come down to the chicane, I think.
0:52:04 > 0:52:06Or is it Raser-ma-casse-er-ma-casse?
0:52:10 > 0:52:14Jezzer's going to have me here, I can feel it coming.
0:52:18 > 0:52:21Under-braking. Get the grip from the zebra.
0:52:23 > 0:52:24Got him.
0:52:26 > 0:52:27Get this kerb.
0:52:32 > 0:52:34Ooh, this is risky. I don't know the way!
0:52:34 > 0:52:37Hammond, you bugger.
0:52:37 > 0:52:40Oh, God almighty! I may have cocked that up a bit.
0:52:43 > 0:52:47We now had just one lap left. It had to be a fast one.
0:52:51 > 0:52:54My last ever lap of the Monaco Grand Prix track.
0:52:54 > 0:52:57Don't mess this corner up again, Jeremy.
0:52:57 > 0:52:58Whoa!
0:53:00 > 0:53:03JEREMY LAUGHS
0:53:03 > 0:53:07Just leave it in third.
0:53:09 > 0:53:11Change into second.
0:53:13 > 0:53:14That was better.
0:53:14 > 0:53:18- ITALIAN ACCENT:- Careful, the barrier! It comes out-ah.
0:53:19 > 0:53:21Get it in now.
0:53:33 > 0:53:34Flat, flat, flat!
0:53:37 > 0:53:38Oh!
0:53:38 > 0:53:43- Aargh! He's getting away! - My mighty Fiat roaring in the tunnel at Monaco!
0:53:45 > 0:53:47Topless women. Mustn't look.
0:53:48 > 0:53:52I can see why racing drivers love this track. You are just on it.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03Don't... Oh, God, strewth.
0:54:05 > 0:54:07I think this is it.
0:54:09 > 0:54:11Come on, everything you can.
0:54:14 > 0:54:17Oh, my God!
0:54:17 > 0:54:20What an extraordinary day!
0:54:20 > 0:54:22RICHARD LAUGHS
0:54:22 > 0:54:26I have to say, that's pretty special.
0:54:26 > 0:54:30What a fantastic moment.
0:54:30 > 0:54:35Thank you, Bernie. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much!
0:54:39 > 0:54:44- CHEERING, APPLAUSE That was amazing.- It was.
0:54:47 > 0:54:50I really do mean that.
0:54:50 > 0:54:51I really do mean that.
0:54:51 > 0:54:55I've never had a day I've enjoyed more, working, than that.
0:54:55 > 0:55:00It was amazing. I'm not exactly steeped in F1 folklore, but still,
0:55:00 > 0:55:04that was the most amazing track driving experience I've ever had.
0:55:04 > 0:55:06And I've always thought the Monaco track worked
0:55:06 > 0:55:11because of where it was, the harbour and the palace. But you could pick it up and put it in a field
0:55:11 > 0:55:15in Lancashire, and it would still be a fantastic thing to drive around.
0:55:15 > 0:55:20Yeah, absolutely. It would certainly be better than the Nurburgring, wouldn't it?
0:55:20 > 0:55:23- LAUGHTER - It is now time to work out which of these cars is best.
0:55:23 > 0:55:27We begin with the getting out of Lucca challenge.
0:55:27 > 0:55:31- Jeremy, I believe you arrived first. - Yeah.- So you get ten points.
0:55:31 > 0:55:34- Good.- Hammond, you were second, so you get five points.
0:55:34 > 0:55:37And I, of course, was last so I only get two points.
0:55:37 > 0:55:43However, the producers have said that any man who loses his car
0:55:43 > 0:55:48in the city is actually disqualified. So, Hammond, I'm afraid you've got nought.
0:55:48 > 0:55:52Oh, I can see where this is going already.
0:55:52 > 0:55:55Nought for that. Now, the scavenger hunt -
0:55:55 > 0:56:00er, Hammond, you finished first, so you get ten points.
0:56:00 > 0:56:02I was second so I get five.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04James, you were last so you get two.
0:56:04 > 0:56:06However, because your ice cube had melted,
0:56:06 > 0:56:09I'm afraid you lose a point for that so you actually only get one.
0:56:09 > 0:56:12- Oh, dear.- Interestingly enough, Hammond, the producers said
0:56:12 > 0:56:18- that because your dog wasn't real, that is minus two points. - Minus two?- Yes.
0:56:18 > 0:56:23And also because your cedar tree turned out to be a larch, that's another minus two.
0:56:23 > 0:56:28- Yeah, and finally, you didn't get a CD. So that's minus... - Oh, let me guess! Is it six?
0:56:28 > 0:56:32- Yes, it is!- Is it? Is it really?
0:56:32 > 0:56:35- So, six and two...- Is nought. - Yes, it is. Nought for that.
0:56:35 > 0:56:40People in the car - James, you got 12.
0:56:40 > 0:56:45I got 13 in the Citroen. And you got nought.
0:56:45 > 0:56:47- I got 14 for that.- What?
0:56:47 > 0:56:52- I got 14!- No, the producers have said that because your people weren't actually in your convertible,
0:56:52 > 0:56:57- there were sort of on it, you were disqualified, so...- They were in it! Oh, for God's sake.
0:56:57 > 0:57:01Nought. Now, the big one, the lap times. Hammond...
0:57:01 > 0:57:04I did it in the Fiat in two minutes 20 seconds.
0:57:04 > 0:57:07Ooh, two minutes 21.
0:57:07 > 0:57:08Close.
0:57:08 > 0:57:09This is tricky.
0:57:09 > 0:57:13Well, I've got to look pleased now, haven't I, without being smug?
0:57:13 > 0:57:15You're not pulling that off.
0:57:15 > 0:57:18- Two minutes 15.- Oh, God.
0:57:18 > 0:57:21- So, I get ten points.- Do you?
0:57:21 > 0:57:24Er, wait a minute, you get...
0:57:24 > 0:57:27Well, it can't be nought this time, can it? I finished!
0:57:27 > 0:57:32You get five, and you get... I'm afraid last again, so that's another two.
0:57:32 > 0:57:36OK, so, let's tot up the totals.
0:57:36 > 0:57:39Jeremy, you have 38.
0:57:39 > 0:57:42Excellent. The Citroen has won.
0:57:42 > 0:57:47- I've got 17, and Hammond, I'm afraid you have five.- Five.
0:57:47 > 0:57:51- No, you see, he doesn't.- Really? - No, because the producer said
0:57:51 > 0:57:55it was a test of hot hatchbacks, and you must have a points deduction
0:57:55 > 0:57:57for turning up in a car that wasn't a hatchback.
0:57:57 > 0:58:01Really? How many points does he lose for that?
0:58:01 > 0:58:04- It's five.- Is it really?! LAUGHTER
0:58:04 > 0:58:08- So, I get nought...again.- Yes.
0:58:08 > 0:58:13And on that bombshell, it's time to end. Thank you very much for watching. Good night!
0:58:13 > 0:58:16CHEERING, WHISTLING
0:58:28 > 0:58:30Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:30 > 0:58:32E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk