0:00:11 > 0:00:15Tonight, I talk to two old ladies.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Richard makes a phone call.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21And James sniffs his own armpit.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Good evening, hello.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello, everybody. Thank you so much, thank you.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Now...
0:00:37 > 0:00:40..we start tonight with the big one,
0:00:40 > 0:00:45the all-new, all-British McLaren MP4-12C.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47And there are two questions.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51One, why have they named it after a fax machine?
0:00:51 > 0:00:57And two, how can it possibly be as good as a Ferrari 458?
0:01:01 > 0:01:07'McLaren themselves admit that the 458 is a great car.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13'But they say that, scientifically and mathematically,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16'they can prove that, in every single measurable way,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19'their new car is better.'
0:01:53 > 0:01:57'Well, certainly at £168,000 it is a tiny bit...'
0:01:59 > 0:02:02..I was going to say cheaper, let's say less expensive than the Ferrari.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07'It's also a tiny bit kinder to the environment,'
0:02:07 > 0:02:11a tiny bit lighter, a tiny bit more economical.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15'It's also quite a lot more powerful.'
0:02:24 > 0:02:30The Ferrari has to make do with just 562 horsepower,
0:02:30 > 0:02:37whereas the twin turbocharged 3.8 litre V8 in this churns out 592.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50'The result is simple.
0:02:51 > 0:02:58'0-60 takes 3.1 seconds. The top speed is 205.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02'And though it's close...
0:03:02 > 0:03:05'the Ferrari cannot live with that.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08'And it's a similar story when the going gets twisty.'
0:03:26 > 0:03:30'I love that Ferrari, and it is as quick round here...'
0:03:32 > 0:03:34..as an Enzo.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36But I think this is quicker still.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Ferrari has been in the Formula One game longer than anybody,
0:03:41 > 0:03:46but McLaren, amazingly, has a higher hit rate.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50'They've won one in every four Grands Prix they've ever entered.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54'Which shows they certainly know how to make a car go round a corner.'
0:03:57 > 0:04:00My God, they've worked their magic with this.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Can you see the Ferrari waggling its tail there? This isn't.
0:04:08 > 0:04:14This grips onto the road like a terrified toddler grips on to its mother's hand.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17So, Lewis Hamilton, watch and learn.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20'This is how you pass a Ferrari...'
0:04:23 > 0:04:26..without crashing into it. Oh, yes!
0:04:37 > 0:04:42'One of the reasons the McLaren is so fast is its traction control system.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47'A system that really comes into its own in the rain.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58'It lets you drive hard, but it won't let you kill yourself.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03'And that is just the tip of a technological iceberg.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11'There's a flap on the back which raises when you brake hard,
0:05:11 > 0:05:15'so you can't see what's about to crash into the back of you.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19'And then we get to the suspension.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22'A computer has replaced the anti-roll bars,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26'so all four wheels are truly independent of one other.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31'This gives you better cornering and, more importantly, a better ride.'
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Over the years, we've seen the Stig cutting this corner,
0:05:37 > 0:05:42putting two wheels on the grass to get the best possible lap times.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50But if you ride a bump like that
0:05:50 > 0:05:54in the sort of hunkered-down, firmed-up cars that he drives...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59..the jolt is horrific.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02It's like being dipped in liquid nitrogen and then hit with a hammer.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04You just sort of shatter.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08'In the McLaren, though, it's a very different experience.'
0:06:08 > 0:06:11There we go, two wheels off the track.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19You'd get more of a jolt if you drove a Rolls-Royce over a Jaffa cake.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25'I've never driven a supercar that's even half
0:06:25 > 0:06:27'as comfortable as this.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30'Or as well-trimmed.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35'It's all exquisite leather and stitching and beautiful graphics.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40'It's a simple, elegant, truly lovely place to sit.'
0:06:40 > 0:06:44So, yes, in every scientific and mathematical way,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48this is better than a Ferrari 458.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51It'll even do 30 miles to the gallon.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54But there's something missing, something that can't be measured,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57something you can't really put your finger on.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03There's no...zing.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10'This is the factory where the McLaren is made.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14'It's like a laboratory. It's quiet, ordered,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17'a magnesium and titanium Trappist world
0:07:17 > 0:07:20'where perfection isn't quite good enough.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21'It's very nice.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25'But you can't imagine anyone here has ever put a whoopee cushion
0:07:25 > 0:07:27'on the managing director's chair.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35'You sense this lack of joy when you're behind the wheel.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37'When you drive a Lamborghini,'
0:07:37 > 0:07:42it's like you're operating a horse with some mustard stuck up its bottom,
0:07:42 > 0:07:46'but when you drive this, it's like you're operating'
0:07:46 > 0:07:51the sort of machine they use, I imagine, in ophthalmic surgery.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55'We see the same problem with the way the McLaren looks.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01'There's nothing wrong with it, but there's no art.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06'You get the sense it was styled by software and shaped by science.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08'Which it probably was.'
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I'll give you another example.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13You can turn the traction control off,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17but it'd be easier to launch the missiles from a nuclear submarine.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22You have to push that button and hold it down for 10 seconds,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24then you push those two simultaneously,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27and I said to one of the engineers, "Why does it have to be so complicated?"
0:08:27 > 0:08:30He said, "Why would you want to turn the traction control off?"
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I said, "Well, it'd be fun."
0:08:32 > 0:08:35And you could see him thinking, "Hmm, fun?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"I must look that up in a dictionary."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43'The McLaren, then, is like a pair of tights.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47'Very practical and very sensible.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54'The Ferrari, though, that is a pair of stockings.'
0:09:16 > 0:09:18What are you on about?
0:09:18 > 0:09:24Well, tights and stockings are designed to do exactly the same job.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26But they don't.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I don't know, I only wear socks, Jeremy.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Can we just move on from the hosiery, chaps, back to the car?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Is the ride really that good?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Like a Rolls-Royce. Unbelievably smooth.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40And do you know why? Wasn't developed at the Nurburgring.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Oh, God, he's off again.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44True fact, it was developed, actually,
0:09:44 > 0:09:46at the Top Gear test track, this car was,
0:09:46 > 0:09:50so it should be able to set a blisteringly fast lap time.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Of course, to find out we have to give it to our racing driver.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Some say that he refuses to acknowledge
0:09:57 > 0:09:59the existence of Nottinghamshire.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01LAUGHTER
0:10:01 > 0:10:04And that he recently received a very strong e-mail
0:10:04 > 0:10:05from his fiancee's mother
0:10:05 > 0:10:09saying it's bad manners to sit at the dinner table in a helmet.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11LAUGHTER
0:10:11 > 0:10:14All we know is he's called the Stig!
0:10:15 > 0:10:16'And it's off.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19'MP4-12C may sound like a fax machine,
0:10:19 > 0:10:23'but this car is fast, no doubt about that.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26'Double clutch gearbox shifting seamlessly,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29'going through the first corner,
0:10:29 > 0:10:30'no dramas whatsoever.'
0:10:30 > 0:10:33"DANCING QUEEN" PLAYS IN SPANISH.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37'Stig listening to ABBA in Spanish, very weird.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42'Almost as weird as the way it takes Chicago, strangely calm, that.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44'Squirrelly under-braking into Hammerhead.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49'Now the meat of the corner, and it's regained its composure completely.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53'McLaren have actually been fiddling with the car since I drove it,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55'so the ones you buy will have a sharper throttle.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57"DANCING QUEEN" CONTINUES
0:10:57 > 0:10:59'And more noise.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02'OK, follow-through, a chance to really open up the twin-turbo V8.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05'How much is he going to clip the corner?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08'A lot, but he won't have felt a thing.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11'Just two corners to go now, air brake helping out there,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14'tyres squealing, only Gambon left.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18'Millimetrically perfect, and there he is, across the line!'
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Now...
0:11:23 > 0:11:25OK.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33Here is the Ferrari 458, 1.19.1. The Ferrari Enzo 1.90.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37The MP4-12C, 1.16.2.
0:11:37 > 0:11:43It is the second fastest car we've ever had here!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- Wow!- That's amazing.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52Right, now, we must move on because it is time for the news,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54and we start with news of an event coming up,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57the Cholmondeley Pageant of Power.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- The what? - Cholmondeley Pageant of Power.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Excellent. We're the world's biggest motoring show,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05and we begin the news with an item about a village fete.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10No, it's like a northern Goodwood Festival of Speed.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- So a Goodwood with pies and gravy?- No!
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Anyway, the point is there's going to be a car at it I wanted to show you.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20It's this, it's called the Brutus.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Yeah, it's magnificent.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Basically it's a 1908 BMW chassis, made in the 1920s
0:12:26 > 0:12:29and it's got a 46 litre 12 cylinder aeroplane...
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- 46 litre?!- 46 litre 12 cylinders. Here's the actual engine out of it.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- Look at that!- Holy cow!
0:12:35 > 0:12:39It's like a Turner painting, all this steam, speed and fire.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- It's magnificent.- I'm going to send that to Greenpeace to hang up in their foyer.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47They'd love it, actually, because it does 0.18 miles to the gallon.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49You're kidding?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I love the engine, but what fascinates me about old cars like this
0:12:53 > 0:12:57is why people feel compelled to get into period costume before driving them.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I mean, you live in a 1970s house.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Do you feel the need to wear a shirt from the 19... Yes, you do.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06He does, actually, yes.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Anyway, we have more news.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12A few weeks ago I held a small birthday party for the E-Type Jaguar.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Yes, I recall, it was subtle.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19Somebody else is having one at Silverstone on the weekend of 22nd July,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21and they say 1,000 E-Types will be there.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26I think what they mean is 1,000 E-Types will attempt to be there.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31- On that particular day, 1,000 E-Types will try and start. - Yeah, some E-Types will be there.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Why will they be there? I've never understood that.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37You drive hundreds of miles in your car to look at some cars
0:13:37 > 0:13:40that are exactly the same as the car that you just drove there in?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Well, is there anyone here from a car owners' club?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46You are?
0:13:46 > 0:13:52- And this is which club?- Marlin. - The what?- Marlin.- That's a fish.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56That's a very lonely owners' club.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00He goes and stands in a field all by himself.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Is there anybody here from a car club that's got more than one member?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04What?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Renault Clio.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- Renault Clio owners' club?! - How can there be a club for that?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- Do you go and meet and stand in fields?- Car-parks.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Car parks?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Oh, I want to join!
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"I've got a Renault Clio." "So have I!"
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Any other car makers here?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23- Anyone from the MG owners' club? - Not here, obviously.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27That's a good point, they won't be here, they'll be on the A3 going, "Oh, no!"
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Now, can I just say, as we know,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33birds sometimes defecate on your car.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36At this time of year that's bad for the paintwork cos the lacquer is soft.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- What?- Where are you going with this, mate?
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- Where I'm going is this. A bird defecated on my car this week.- That's terrible.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48That's not that unusual. It'll have happened to people here.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Not like this.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54OK, I've brought an iPad here, I know how they work, of course.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Here is the bird.- Yes, it's some bird poo on your back window.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00That's a significant quantity of bird poo.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03You'd say that's a big bird that did that. Look at this.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:09It gets to there and you think, "That must be the end."
0:15:11 > 0:15:13That is a metre of faeces!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16What bird can do a metre of faec...?!
0:15:16 > 0:15:22I'm two metres tall and I can't do a metre of faeces!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26You live in Oxfordshire, you've got those red kites there, they're big birds.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28They are big birds, and they are carnivores.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Now, I examined this faeces, and there were seven cherry stones in it.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- Well, maybe it had a field mouse in a cherry jus in Oxfordshire? - It didn't!
0:15:37 > 0:15:41If the cherry stones were in its gut, it must have eaten the cherry whole,
0:15:41 > 0:15:45which means it must've had a mouth like a Peugeot!
0:15:45 > 0:15:49What kind of bird can have a gallon of guano in its gut
0:15:49 > 0:15:55and still take off and achieve sufficient altitude to defecate on my Range Rover?!
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- A big one! - Maybe it was a flying cow.- What?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02James, you really do live in Hammersmith, don't you?
0:16:02 > 0:16:07We should bear in mind this is the man who believes cows lay eggs,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- and he does. He said that on the show.- You say that...
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- I said eggs come from cows. - Well, you see...
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Can I just say, I want to have a competition on this.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21If anybody can find a bigger piece of bird dirt than that
0:16:21 > 0:16:25on their car, take a photograph and send it to us at Top Gear,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28London, where are we? W12 7TS.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Mark your envelope, "You really are plumbing new depths this week."
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Well, you are!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Now, there is a new Range Rover.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39It's not as big as the real thing, but does it work?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43To find out, I went to the United States. Which is in America.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01'This is it.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04'It's called the Evoque,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07'and even though it's covered in Range Rover badges,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10'it doesn't look especially tough or off-road-y.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15'Little wonder, when the design consultant for this car was Victoria Beckham.'
0:17:16 > 0:17:20This is one of those luxury lifestyle off-roaders,
0:17:20 > 0:17:24which is why the producers have told me to drive it to Las Vegas,
0:17:24 > 0:17:28where I have a job for the evening chauffeuring the cosmetically enhanced Cher.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33However, there is a small obstacle in the way.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36'Actually, it's quite a big obstacle,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39'because my starting point is here.'
0:17:43 > 0:17:48'Death Valley, one of the most inhospitable places on earth,
0:17:48 > 0:17:52'boasting some of the toughest terrain a car could ever face.'
0:17:56 > 0:18:01So, it's the perfect place to decide if the new Evoque is a proper Range Rover
0:18:01 > 0:18:04or just a big designer girl's blouse.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15'The edge of Death Valley was 150 miles away,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19'and to get there I wasn't allowed to use any tarmaced roads.'
0:18:20 > 0:18:25Now, this is no small challenge because the Evoque doesn't have a massive separate chassis,
0:18:25 > 0:18:30it doesn't have a low range gearbox, and it doesn't have a big fire-breathing V8.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35What it has is a four cylinder turbo diesel engine
0:18:35 > 0:18:37making 187 horsepower,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40and underneath it's based on the old Freelander,
0:18:40 > 0:18:44which is loosely related to the Ford Mondeo.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53I think the record temperature for this area is something like 137.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56If the car were to break down out here,
0:18:56 > 0:19:01I reckon it would be three, maybe four minutes
0:19:01 > 0:19:06before I got into the crew's Range Rover and went back to the hotel.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10'For the first few miles,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13'the terrain didn't offer much of a challenge.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17'But I did find out something pleasing about the Evoque.'
0:19:17 > 0:19:19The ride in this car is excellent.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23This surface is actually quite washboard...
0:19:24 > 0:19:28..but this is soaking it up marvellously.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31'That's because the dampers are filled with a fluid
0:19:31 > 0:19:33'that contains magnetised iron filings,
0:19:33 > 0:19:37'which can react in milliseconds to alter the firmness of the suspension.'
0:19:38 > 0:19:41It's the same system, actually, that they use on the Audi R8,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44only in this they can respond twice as quickly.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49And if that was you responsible for that, Mrs Beckham,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51then can I say thank you very much indeed?
0:19:53 > 0:19:54'Mrs Beckham's suspension
0:19:54 > 0:19:58'wafted me towards my appointment in Las Vegas.'
0:19:59 > 0:20:00MUSIC: "Believe" by Cher.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05# Do you believe in life after love? #
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Stereo's good as well.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11The interior is very good, nicely trimmed and everything,
0:20:11 > 0:20:15but then it should be because this may be a baby Range Rover,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18but even the most basic one starts at £28,000,
0:20:18 > 0:20:22and if you have the Prestige model, like I have here,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24then it's about £43,000.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34'Soon, the going started to get much tougher.'
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Ow.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40'This is where you normally need a low-range gearbox,
0:20:40 > 0:20:46'but instead the Evoque has an electronic off-road system called terrain response.'
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Difficult terrain setting.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50'Now I'd find out if it was any good.'
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Find me some traction. There you go.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03'Along with the terrain response, there are other 21st century aids'.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07I can use, look, these cameras, there's five cameras on the car
0:21:07 > 0:21:11which help me to look out for bits that I might otherwise hit.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Going on this one, I could miss that rock.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Loving your work, Mrs Beckham.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25'Soon, I found myself in a narrow, rocky canyon,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28'and the Evoque started to struggle.'
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Make an aim for that bit.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33HE GROANS
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Yes!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Give me more of that!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I have to say, this is pretty good for a car that,
0:21:48 > 0:21:52let's be honest, most people are going to drive to the shops
0:21:52 > 0:21:56and occasionally across a field to a Pony Club meeting
0:21:56 > 0:21:59or Gymkhana, or whatever they're called.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04'But eventually the Evoque had to throw in the towel.'
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Oh, no.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13I must be a bit of a chump thinking I can get up that, must I not?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16That is officially a small cliff.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Still, it's quite a noble effort.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I think we'll have to find a different way round.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31'Having retraced my steps, I found another route
0:22:31 > 0:22:33'and was soon flying along.'
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Woo! This is better!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Look at the speed I'm doing,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I'm doing 70 miles an hour on my way to Cher.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45'But then...'
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Oh, no! Oh!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59'With the sand dunes sitting slap-bang between me and Cher,
0:22:59 > 0:23:03'there was no option but to put my faith once more in the terrain response computer.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I have it in sand mode,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10and what it does is it changes all sorts of things,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13the suspension settings, the throttle response,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16and because I've got it in sand, I get very peaky power delivery,
0:23:16 > 0:23:21it holds it in the lower gears, I can change manually in it, it keeps me going through the sand.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31That's steeper than I thought.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37'As it turned out, the baby Range Rover coped well on the sand.'
0:23:37 > 0:23:38HE LAUGHS
0:23:41 > 0:23:43What happens if I try and go up there?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Crikey, that's a big climb. You've got to be bloody careful.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49'There was, however, a weak link,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52'and, as ever, it was my internal sat nav.'
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Hang on, hang on. Now I'm going the wrong way.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59No. No, no, no.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02It just looks like a sheet of beige paper.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06'And then some enthusiastic locals turned up.'
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Yobbos!
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Come on, then.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36I don't know what the hell the engines are they've got in those things,
0:24:36 > 0:24:37but they're massive!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41They've done a wheelie!
0:24:43 > 0:24:47'After they'd stripped the Evoque of most of its paint...'
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Thank you.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54'..the Death Valley rednecks showed me the way out of the dunes.'
0:24:56 > 0:25:00I've no idea who these blokes are, but they're good sports.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08'Eventually, the buggy chaps deposited me on a dry riverbed,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10'but since I was now running late for my date with Cher,
0:25:10 > 0:25:14'there was no time to give the Evoque a breather.'
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Well, this is about as fast as it will go, actually,
0:25:23 > 0:25:24cos it's slightly soft.
0:25:26 > 0:25:32I can get up to about 75 or so before the car starts squirreling around.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Again, Mrs Beckham, I have to commend you on your car.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48'As the sun set, I came upon a marvellous sight.'
0:25:48 > 0:25:49He-hey!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Oh, that's nice.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Mmm, lovely, lovely tarmac.
0:25:57 > 0:26:03It's like a cool hand passed across your fevered brow, tarmac.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07'It also meant I was out of Death Valley
0:26:07 > 0:26:09'and on course to make my appointment.'
0:26:09 > 0:26:13'Right, I'm pretty sure that Cher is not going to be interested'
0:26:13 > 0:26:16in the road test of the Evoque, so here's a quick sum-up.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Things I like.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22I think it looks excellent, it's particularly good off-road, as it turns out.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25It has a nice, tasteful interior, and the ride is excellent.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Things I don't like, it's not that spacious in the back,
0:26:28 > 0:26:32there are a few too many buttons on the steering wheel,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34and the door mirrors are too big.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Anyway, onwards to Cher.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47'Eventually, my destination came into view.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49'Not that you could miss it.'
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I've heard Cher's a bit of a diva, actually.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I don't know how she's going to take to...
0:27:03 > 0:27:04HE SNIFFS
0:27:04 > 0:27:07..a man who's done this much desert off-roading.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Hopefully she likes a bit of stinky rough.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14'Soon, I arrived at the venue.'
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Temperature set to something comfortable.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26That's in the right mode.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29CROWD APPLAUDS
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Here we go, here we go.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Evening.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Are you a bloke?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Um, yeah.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11So you're not actually...
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Cher isn't a man?
0:28:13 > 0:28:17No, I'm a man that plays Cher.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Right.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22# I got you, babe... #
0:28:22 > 0:28:24I could really use a burger right now.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Right. Well, that's my kind of language.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29I'll see what I can do, sir/madam.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE
0:28:42 > 0:28:47Hang on, was that one of those, um... What are they called?
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Cross-dressing things? And then that wasn't really Cher?
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Yeah. Apparently that Cher is actually called Steve.
0:28:53 > 0:28:58But didn't you spot the difference? I mean, the Adam's apple and the...
0:28:58 > 0:29:00- Never mind.- No. - We'll gloss over that.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03The Range Rover, is it real? Does it feel like a proper one?
0:29:03 > 0:29:06I think it does because it does work really well off road,
0:29:06 > 0:29:08and it does have that... It feels special.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12And I have to say, it looks fantastic. I mean, really brilliant.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15It does look fantastic and it looks even better like that.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19- That's the three-door.- Yes, that's true. But there is a problem.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22So you arrive at it - the three-door one - with your toddler.
0:29:22 > 0:29:28It's raining, you've got to get the toddler in the back, and you pull the seat forward...
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Unless you're David Beckham
0:29:30 > 0:29:34and you could just sort of pop it in like that...
0:29:34 > 0:29:36You are a half-wit. Look.
0:29:36 > 0:29:42- Press that.- Oh, yes, still raining, still holding your toddler, bored, very bored.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44Can't be bothered to wait any more.
0:29:44 > 0:29:50Let's move on because it is time to put a star - a Grand Prix star, no less -
0:29:50 > 0:29:53in our old reasonably-priced car.
0:29:53 > 0:29:58My guest tonight is a German who won last year's World Championship.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02And this year's, he's already put his towel on that as well.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Ladies and gentlemen, Sebastian Vettel!
0:30:05 > 0:30:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Here he is - the World Champion.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14The World Champion is among us.
0:30:16 > 0:30:17Have a seat, Sebastian.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24Now, obviously, first of all,
0:30:24 > 0:30:27huge congratulations on your win this afternoon.
0:30:27 > 0:30:32- The problem is, obviously, it's Wednesday now... - LAUGHTER
0:30:32 > 0:30:36- but when this goes out on television... - I see. Now I've got it. OK.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40- I'm usually not that slow. - So we've just run a few options.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45What a shame - pipped at the last moment.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49And then that mistake half a lap to the end.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51What were you thinking of, man?!
0:30:51 > 0:30:56Who could have imagined a giant meteorite would land on the track
0:30:56 > 0:30:58and stop the race like that?
0:30:58 > 0:31:01Now, a lot of people have been saying it's a boring season,
0:31:01 > 0:31:04you know that you're going to win every time you watch.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08- But it probably isn't boring from where you're sitting, is it? - Never, no.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10I mean, I enjoy it, you know.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13I think the races are quite exciting, from what I see.
0:31:13 > 0:31:18- Obviously I can't follow them live. - Well, it would be tricky.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22- You probably could.- A bit in the monitors around.- Do you actually watch the screens?
0:31:22 > 0:31:25- Yes.- You do?- Sometimes, yeah.
0:31:25 > 0:31:30It's not because I have so much time and I am so much ahead,
0:31:30 > 0:31:32but it's sometimes quite useful to see what's going on.
0:31:32 > 0:31:39- Obviously, when they are showing some...- Crashes. - Some birds, then it's...
0:31:39 > 0:31:44Valencia was, let's be honest, a bit boring. I'm afraid I was fast asleep.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48- Valencia, you just can't help... - Maybe that comes with age.- It is.
0:31:48 > 0:31:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:53 > 0:31:57Sunday afternoon nod-off.
0:31:57 > 0:32:02Anyway, I'll run through some of your achievements. The youngest ever world champion.
0:32:02 > 0:32:07The youngest person ever to win a Grand Prix, the youngest ever to get a pole position,
0:32:07 > 0:32:10the youngest person ever to score a point,
0:32:10 > 0:32:13and the youngest person ever to score a fastest lap.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15What were you like as a baby?
0:32:15 > 0:32:21"And the first to use a lavatory..."
0:32:21 > 0:32:26- Were you always a competitive child? - I think I was always competitive.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29I'm not sure about the lavatory bit.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32I think it took me quite a while to understand, you know,
0:32:32 > 0:32:35where you should and where you shouldn't...
0:32:35 > 0:32:39We've got a picture - just to demonstrate how young you were -
0:32:39 > 0:32:42of you meeting our old Stig for the first time.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45There you go, look.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48I think that's an endearing picture. What was happening?
0:32:48 > 0:32:53- 1995.- You were...?- Seven.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57There was a championship in Kerpen, which is Michael's hometown.
0:32:57 > 0:33:02That must have been a special moment for a seven-year-old, to meet Schumacher. Was he world champion?
0:33:02 > 0:33:07- Yes, double world champion. - What's it like know when you lap him?
0:33:07 > 0:33:08- Is it weird? - It is a bit weird.
0:33:08 > 0:33:13You know, for me, when I was karting, Michael was the one I was looking up to.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16So, when you lap him now, do you go like that?
0:33:21 > 0:33:22- No, I mean...- It must be tempting.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25You know, the thing is, of course, he's a legend,
0:33:25 > 0:33:30and there's things I can learn from people like him, drivers like him.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Can I just ask you to be honest now?
0:33:32 > 0:33:35How much of your current success is down to that Red Bull car?
0:33:35 > 0:33:38The one we've got over there, in fact.
0:33:38 > 0:33:43Because Lewis Hamilton said it's just unbelievably quick following the Red Bull car.
0:33:43 > 0:33:48Again, it depends. Our car, people know, and we know, our strength is in high-speed corners
0:33:48 > 0:33:50because we do produce a lot of downforce.
0:33:50 > 0:33:56But he didn't talk you through, probably, other tracks where they gain more than half a second
0:33:56 > 0:34:00- down the straights.- You know Adrian Newey because he designed the car that you drive.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02I got to know him, yeah.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06- I was at school with him. - He told me that.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09- Yeah, he used to copy me in physics. - Really?
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Yeah, it was really annoying.
0:34:11 > 0:34:16- He didn't mention that bit. - Mention it to him because I remember coming up with a double diffuser
0:34:16 > 0:34:18and the KERS system, just doodling, really.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22And he was like... You know those really annoying people at school?
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Exactly. You might like to mention that to him.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26And you give all your cars names?
0:34:26 > 0:34:29- The racing cars. - Yeah. What are these names?
0:34:29 > 0:34:35- Brian?- No.- Not Brian?- No.- Roger? - No, this year is Kinky Kylie.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37LAUGHTER
0:34:37 > 0:34:42It's got a nice back end, you know, so...
0:34:42 > 0:34:45Last year it was Luscious Liz.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49- Luscious Liz?- Yeah. The year before it was Kate's Dirty Sister.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52LAUGHTER
0:34:52 > 0:34:56Now, you're a big fan, I understand, of Britain,
0:34:56 > 0:34:58but British comedy in particular.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00- Is that right?- Correct.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04- And are you a Python fan? Did somebody tell me you like Monty Python?- Yeah, I do.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08The first time I saw was The Life of Brian, the movie.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12I saw it in German and I found it was funny.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15And then I saw the English version and I loved it.
0:35:15 > 0:35:21It's the same thing, actually, this show, they show in Germany now for a couple of years,
0:35:21 > 0:35:23but you speaking German.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25No!
0:35:25 > 0:35:26LAUGHTER
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Yeah. And it...
0:35:28 > 0:35:32No, I won't have that! German? No!
0:35:32 > 0:35:35And it just doesn't work, you know?
0:35:35 > 0:35:39I can sort of believe that.
0:35:39 > 0:35:43One of the reasons why it's easy to appreciate British humour is,
0:35:43 > 0:35:46if you speak really properly good English, which you...
0:35:46 > 0:35:47Can you even do accents?
0:35:49 > 0:35:51That's a yes, isn't it? That was just a yes.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Not that I kno-ow of.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55LAUGHTER
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Can you do Birmingham?
0:35:57 > 0:36:01Actually, Adrian brought me close to that Brummie accent
0:36:01 > 0:36:04because he told some stories about Nigel Mansell in the past,
0:36:04 > 0:36:07about the chicane in Monza where he was, I don't know,
0:36:07 > 0:36:1010 or 20kph quicker than Piquet at that time.
0:36:10 > 0:36:16And Piquet didn't understand, and then Patrick Head went to Nigel, Adrian obviously was there,
0:36:16 > 0:36:21asking what he's doing. And he says, "I just take my hand..."
0:36:25 > 0:36:30- BRUMMIE ACCENT:- "I just turn my knuckles around the wheel and just go straight."
0:36:30 > 0:36:32APPLAUSE
0:36:32 > 0:36:34That's fantastic.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Anyway, obviously you've done many Formula 1 races
0:36:40 > 0:36:43and you've been successful in a lot of them.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46Today is the most important day of your career so far
0:36:46 > 0:36:49- because you're here to do our lap. - Yes, yes.
0:36:49 > 0:36:54- How did it go out there? - I have no idea. I don't know.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Usually you have reference, people tell you thumbs up, not so good.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00Cos they don't tell you how your lap was.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03The thing is you have got only that car and, you know,
0:37:03 > 0:37:08I cannot come into the pits and say, "It's rubbish, change this, change that."
0:37:08 > 0:37:11You know, I can complain but... Nobody bothers.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15You did ask if you could check the tyre pressures before setting off.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17- Yes.- That's quite German.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Nobody else has said, "Can we check the tyre pressure?"
0:37:20 > 0:37:25Cos this is the only opportunity, really, where Formula 1 drivers get to drive the same car
0:37:25 > 0:37:28to see how you compare to all the others.
0:37:28 > 0:37:29Yeah, so that's why I'm...
0:37:31 > 0:37:35- Who'd like to see Sebastian's lap? - ALL: Yes!
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Let's have a look.
0:37:41 > 0:37:42Lot of wheelspin.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45Enough power to spin the wheels.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47But not much after that.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Come on.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Must say it's nice to see the old Liana back.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53There we are, look,
0:37:53 > 0:37:56a Formula 1 driver again taking the wide line there.
0:37:59 > 0:38:04Think I could have a cup of tea before the next corner.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Chicago. Not running wide.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Well, it seems stupid...
0:38:11 > 0:38:14With these things you will never be on time!
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Obsessed with punctuality even there.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20I don't want to say, "Do you keep it in the lines?"
0:38:20 > 0:38:23because you are the Formula 1 world champion, and you have.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29And you manage to keep it under control on the way out as well,
0:38:29 > 0:38:30unsurprisingly.
0:38:30 > 0:38:31This thing is really slow.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33It isn't. Listen to it!
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Tortured tyres. Going through the follow-through.
0:38:36 > 0:38:4092, 93, 94 mph.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42Pretty quick. Very quick.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Did that hurt? The jolt?
0:38:46 > 0:38:48It's a good car.
0:38:48 > 0:38:49It is. Superb.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52And into Gambon. Any two-wheel action?
0:38:52 > 0:38:53None at all. There we are.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56Ladies and gentlemen, across the line!
0:38:56 > 0:38:58APPLAUSE
0:39:01 > 0:39:03What's very funny now...
0:39:04 > 0:39:07You just leant back, but you did the interview like that.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Then you were like that.
0:39:09 > 0:39:10Yeah.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12Where do you think you've come?
0:39:13 > 0:39:15It was very windy, did you see?
0:39:15 > 0:39:17LAUGHTER
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Can you imagine the headwind accelerating when you have no power?
0:39:20 > 0:39:21Any more excuses?
0:39:21 > 0:39:23I have a couple lined up. Let's see.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25You're leaning forwards.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31Well, the fastest we've ever had is Rubens Barrichello,
0:39:31 > 0:39:33who did it in 1.443.
0:39:33 > 0:39:38You did it in one minute...
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Good start.
0:39:40 > 0:39:4140...
0:39:42 > 0:39:444...
0:39:44 > 0:39:46AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:39:50 > 0:39:51Dead.
0:39:51 > 0:39:52CHEERING
0:39:52 > 0:39:54There you go!
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Fastest F1 driver we've had!
0:40:03 > 0:40:06Hang on. Hang on.
0:40:06 > 0:40:07Wait. I just had a thought.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Why are we all surprised?
0:40:10 > 0:40:12LAUGHTER
0:40:12 > 0:40:14I'm surprised.
0:40:14 > 0:40:18Come on! That you're faster than a 62-year-old Brazilian?!
0:40:20 > 0:40:22I met the Stig. I'm faster than the Stig.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25No, no, this is OLD Stig. We should get rid of him.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28New Stig hasn't yet been round.
0:40:28 > 0:40:29Yeah, he said.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33There's a rumour he can do it in 56-57 seconds. A rumour.
0:40:33 > 0:40:34"Some say", you mean.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Some say.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40APPLAUSE
0:40:40 > 0:40:44- Ladies and gentlemen... - Now I can lean back.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Now I can lean back.
0:40:46 > 0:40:50You can lean back now. You can relax. Well done for today.
0:40:52 > 0:40:53It's fantastic to meet you.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57Anglophile, good guy. Ladies and gentlemen, Sebastian Vettel!
0:41:05 > 0:41:10Now, this is the Nissan Pixo
0:41:10 > 0:41:13and it is the cheapest car on sale in the UK right now.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16It costs just £6,995.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20It sounds fantastic, but is it?
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Jeremy decided to find out.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27Well, here it is.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32It's built in India and it has a one-litre, three-cylinder engine,
0:41:32 > 0:41:34so it's very slow.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38Also it doesn't look very nice, it isn't very spacious
0:41:38 > 0:41:43and it comes with less equipment than a cave.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47You do get power steering and anti-lock brakes.
0:41:47 > 0:41:48Argh, ducks!
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Missed them. Thank you, anti-lock brakes. Working well there.
0:41:52 > 0:41:56You also get a radio, and a dial!
0:41:58 > 0:42:01But if you want to get the window down,
0:42:01 > 0:42:05you have to move this lever in an anti-clockwise direction.
0:42:05 > 0:42:09To get it up again, you move it in a clockwise direction.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13And it's a similar story with the door mirrors.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15They're operated by these funny prongs.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18You don't even get any carpets.
0:42:19 > 0:42:20But if you pay an extra £37,
0:42:20 > 0:42:22Nissan will sell you what they call
0:42:22 > 0:42:26luxury velour textile floor mats.
0:42:26 > 0:42:30If you spend £3 on top of that,
0:42:30 > 0:42:34they will give you a Nissan-branded toggle bag,
0:42:34 > 0:42:38containing both a sponge and a sachet of car shampoo.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Of course, you might say that for less than £7,000,
0:42:43 > 0:42:48you should expect to do without speed and space and looks
0:42:48 > 0:42:51and electric windows and carpets.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53But do you have to?
0:42:53 > 0:42:57Because what does £6,995 buy you
0:42:57 > 0:43:00if you're prepared to ferret around on the second-hand market?
0:43:02 > 0:43:04This for a kick-off.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10This is a Bentley Turbo R.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15It's 23 years old, it's done 122,000 miles
0:43:15 > 0:43:22and this actual car is for sale right now for £6,995.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24For all this!
0:43:24 > 0:43:26I mean, look at it!
0:43:26 > 0:43:28Not a Nissan, no.
0:43:28 > 0:43:33What it is is a Bentley that I'm in, for the same money.
0:43:33 > 0:43:37It's got five more cylinders than the Nissan and a turbocharger,
0:43:37 > 0:43:39so it is MUCH faster.
0:43:39 > 0:43:43And the luxury lambswool mats are included in the price.
0:43:45 > 0:43:46If I operate this button,
0:43:46 > 0:43:48my window goes up and down.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51With this button, I can move my seat backwards and forwards.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54With this button, I can adjust my horns. I can have a twin horn.
0:43:54 > 0:43:56HORN BEEPS
0:43:56 > 0:43:59Very nice. Or a single one. No. I'll just have a twin one.
0:44:02 > 0:44:08Back in 1988, this car cost someone £79,000.
0:44:08 > 0:44:12Here we are now and you can buy it for less than a tenth of that.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15I mean, look!
0:44:15 > 0:44:20Leather, leather, leather, leather. Wood. Leather, leather, leather.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23Leather. Leather. Leather.
0:44:25 > 0:44:28It is genuinely unbelievable
0:44:28 > 0:44:32that that car costs exactly the same as this car.
0:44:32 > 0:44:35Of course, we're not thick. Well, he is.
0:44:35 > 0:44:39But even he knows that the Bentley was hand-made in England
0:44:39 > 0:44:42and saying something was hand-made in England is just a way of saying
0:44:42 > 0:44:44the door's going to fall off.
0:44:44 > 0:44:47This isn't going to be as reliable as the Nissan.
0:44:47 > 0:44:52When stuff does go wrong with this, the bills are going to be MASSIVE.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54They are, they are. Don't worry though.
0:44:54 > 0:44:58It turns out there are many, many alternatives.
0:45:00 > 0:45:02All of the cars here are on the market right now
0:45:02 > 0:45:06for less than the price of that Nissan Pixo.
0:45:09 > 0:45:12The Honda S2000, for example.
0:45:12 > 0:45:16This one is now for sale with 47,000 miles on the clock
0:45:16 > 0:45:19for £6,500.
0:45:19 > 0:45:21And you could have a Mazda RX8.
0:45:21 > 0:45:24Look, four doors, like the Nissan Pixo.
0:45:24 > 0:45:27This one has done 28,000 miles.
0:45:27 > 0:45:31It's new! It's a brand new car!
0:45:31 > 0:45:35Subaru Impreza, in budget, in the correct blue and gold alloys. Lovely.
0:45:35 > 0:45:36- WRX, this one.- It is.
0:45:36 > 0:45:38Could you get an STI in budget?
0:45:38 > 0:45:41- No.- P1.- No.- RB5.- Now you're just saying letters and numbers.
0:45:41 > 0:45:43- SK1? - That's the postcode for Stockport.
0:45:43 > 0:45:45It's done 37,000 miles.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47What?
0:45:47 > 0:45:49It's only done 37,000?
0:45:49 > 0:45:52It's got everything on it.
0:45:52 > 0:45:55- Electric mirrors, air-con. - Air conditioning.
0:45:55 > 0:45:56£6,500.
0:45:56 > 0:45:57That's fantastic.
0:45:57 > 0:46:03Of course, some of the cars we found are cheap because they're rubbish.
0:46:03 > 0:46:07But most aren't, like this Alpha, this Jag,
0:46:07 > 0:46:08all these BMWs.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11We even found a Porsche.
0:46:15 > 0:46:19It's done 88,000 miles and it feels tight as a drum
0:46:19 > 0:46:21and you are driving about in a convertible Porsche.
0:46:21 > 0:46:22That's what worries me.
0:46:22 > 0:46:25- Do you think we look a bit...- Manly.
0:46:25 > 0:46:28- No.- Tough. No, the opposite of those things.
0:46:28 > 0:46:29Hello there.
0:46:30 > 0:46:32We're talking about football.
0:46:32 > 0:46:34I'm just going to spit out of the window.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37Can we go and have a look at some fighter jets?
0:46:39 > 0:46:41Ready, go, go, go.
0:46:44 > 0:46:46ENGINE BLARES
0:46:46 > 0:46:49There. It just does a sort of raaaaah.
0:46:49 > 0:46:53It makes a great noise, they are incredibly well-balanced.
0:46:53 > 0:46:58It is hard to think of a better car for £6,500, or £6,900, than this.
0:47:00 > 0:47:03That gave us an idea for a challenge.
0:47:03 > 0:47:07Which one of us could buy the most amazing car
0:47:07 > 0:47:09for the price of a Nissan Pixo?
0:47:15 > 0:47:16This is my choice.
0:47:17 > 0:47:24A Mercedes CL which I found on the internet for £6,995.
0:47:27 > 0:47:31What makes that price particularly extraordinary
0:47:31 > 0:47:34is that this is the top-of-the-range model, the V12.
0:47:34 > 0:47:36It comes with just about everything.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39It has a television, it has radar-guided cruise control
0:47:39 > 0:47:42that maintains a set distance to the car in front.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44It has voice-activated controls.
0:47:44 > 0:47:48It has seats that massage you as you drive along.
0:47:48 > 0:47:51If you bought the equivalent of this car today,
0:47:51 > 0:47:54it would cost you £161,000.
0:47:54 > 0:47:58And that makes this the bargain of the century.
0:47:58 > 0:47:59No, it isn't.
0:47:59 > 0:48:00Because THIS is.
0:48:00 > 0:48:02The BMW 850ci.
0:48:02 > 0:48:06It too has a V12 engine. Not the lesser V8-engined 840.
0:48:06 > 0:48:11But what makes this car better than Jeremy's is...
0:48:11 > 0:48:13Pop up headlamps.
0:48:13 > 0:48:14Simple as that.
0:48:14 > 0:48:18- How much did you pay for this? - £6,700. Yours?
0:48:19 > 0:48:24- £6,995.- Less!- How old is it? - '94... 17 years old.
0:48:24 > 0:48:26- Ahem, nine.- Really?
0:48:26 > 0:48:31- Nine years old. - How many miles has it done?- 127.
0:48:31 > 0:48:34- 54,000.- Rubbish!
0:48:34 > 0:48:38Why does it have casters from a sofa instead of wheels?
0:48:38 > 0:48:42OK, it's period. They were that size in those days.
0:48:42 > 0:48:45What are they? 17? 16? 16-inch.
0:48:45 > 0:48:4616-inch wheels.
0:48:46 > 0:48:48And you know full well
0:48:48 > 0:48:51that means fatter tyres and that means a better ride.
0:48:51 > 0:48:54It's got Smarties for wheels. And is that ruched leather?
0:48:54 > 0:48:57Oh, yes. Yes, it is.
0:48:57 > 0:49:00Why do people from Birmingham like a ruche?!
0:49:01 > 0:49:04To find out which of us had bought the best car,
0:49:04 > 0:49:07we decided to conduct a series of tests,
0:49:07 > 0:49:10starting, not unsurprisingly, with speed.
0:49:12 > 0:49:15This is a 1.8 mile runway
0:49:15 > 0:49:19and all we wanted to know is who'd get to the far end first.
0:49:21 > 0:49:24Of course, what matters most of all in a race like this is power
0:49:24 > 0:49:27and the simple fact is I have more of it.
0:49:27 > 0:49:29A lot more. And more talk.
0:49:31 > 0:49:35Because my car has pop-up headlamps, it is sleeker at the front,
0:49:35 > 0:49:40more aerodynamic and, in a race like this, aerodynamics matter.
0:49:40 > 0:49:443, 2, 1, go!
0:49:45 > 0:49:47Yeah! Oh...
0:49:50 > 0:49:52And that is a goodbye, Hammond.
0:49:52 > 0:49:56His car is limited, top speed 155.
0:49:56 > 0:50:01BMW, not limited. Top speed, 156.
0:50:02 > 0:50:06I can still whisper. 130 miles an hour.
0:50:08 > 0:50:09140.
0:50:09 > 0:50:14He's ahead, yes, but soon he will hit the limiter
0:50:14 > 0:50:16and I will surge past.
0:50:16 > 0:50:20155 miles an hour.
0:50:20 > 0:50:23But that surging thing didn't happen.
0:50:23 > 0:50:24Kack!
0:50:25 > 0:50:28What a machine!
0:50:28 > 0:50:30We pulled over for a post-race chat.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32MOBILE RINGS
0:50:32 > 0:50:37- Hello!- Hello! Can I just say, what happened there?
0:50:37 > 0:50:40Well, obviously the BM lost.
0:50:40 > 0:50:43The weirdest thing was, as we crossed the finishing line at the end,
0:50:43 > 0:50:45mine changed up,
0:50:45 > 0:50:50so I think given a longer runway, like 50 miles longer...
0:50:50 > 0:50:52- Yes, yes, yes.- I would have won.
0:50:52 > 0:50:55- Have you ever run a race while carrying a television.- No.
0:50:55 > 0:50:59- And a sideboard.- I've got a television and a sideboard in here.
0:50:59 > 0:51:02Can I also say I want one of these phones on a cord in my car.
0:51:02 > 0:51:05HE LAUGHS
0:51:07 > 0:51:10To try and understand why Hammond's car was so slow,
0:51:10 > 0:51:14we put it on a machine that would reveal how many horsepowers
0:51:14 > 0:51:15had escaped over the years.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17There's no need to tether it.
0:51:17 > 0:51:19Got to shackle this beast down.
0:51:19 > 0:51:22- It took nearly an hour to get down that runaway.- No, it didn't.
0:51:23 > 0:51:26Soon the machine gave us an answer.
0:51:27 > 0:51:29- How many was it? - 296 when it was new.
0:51:29 > 0:51:32296 horsepower for your five-litre engine.
0:51:32 > 0:51:37- How many years old?- 17 years old. - 269 at the flywheel.
0:51:37 > 0:51:3927 horses have escaped.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42- Less than two a year.- You could eat that many horses a year.
0:51:42 > 0:51:45Perhaps you're just a rubbish driver.
0:51:45 > 0:51:48We then decided to test the Mercedes.
0:51:48 > 0:51:51- Jet noise.- That's not the car!
0:51:52 > 0:51:58- To start with, 362 brake horse power.- Yes.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00Today, after nine years... Yes.
0:52:00 > 0:52:01352.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03352.
0:52:03 > 0:52:06So my car has lost fewer horsepower than yours,
0:52:06 > 0:52:08is faster than yours,
0:52:08 > 0:52:12has much more equipment than yours.
0:52:12 > 0:52:16It hasn't got pop-up headlamps and the leather is NOT ruched!
0:52:18 > 0:52:21We then checked out our cars' interiors
0:52:21 > 0:52:24using our old friend Mr Manlove
0:52:24 > 0:52:26and his team of forensic experts.
0:52:26 > 0:52:29You know the last time we tested cars like this on Top Gear,
0:52:29 > 0:52:33didn't we find that yours was full of blood and mucus?
0:52:33 > 0:52:34Yeah. And faeces.
0:52:35 > 0:52:41After a microscopic examination, Manlove was ready with the results.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43Why don't you go first, since you usually lose these.
0:52:43 > 0:52:45All right then.
0:52:45 > 0:52:48With the BMW, first of all, we're lacking faeces this time.
0:52:48 > 0:52:50- No faeces for me!- No faeces.
0:52:50 > 0:52:54We do have plenty of saliva, which you would expect.
0:52:54 > 0:52:55It's on the car phone.
0:52:55 > 0:52:58When you talk, obviously little spatters of saliva...
0:52:58 > 0:52:59I held it.
0:52:59 > 0:53:01We also had a lot of material
0:53:01 > 0:53:04which looked like rolled nasal mucus again.
0:53:04 > 0:53:08- What nasal mucus?- Rolled.
0:53:08 > 0:53:12- As in...- Picking and flicking. - Absolutely.
0:53:12 > 0:53:15Finally, there was an odour of urine.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17Somebody has wet themselves.
0:53:17 > 0:53:19It was a general pervading aroma.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22I'm in another lavatory!
0:53:22 > 0:53:24Right, the Mercedes.
0:53:24 > 0:53:28There was some white powder found on tapings,
0:53:28 > 0:53:30as was some herbal material
0:53:30 > 0:53:33that looked like it had been cut or chopped.
0:53:33 > 0:53:36- We didn't do any further testing on that.- White powder sounds like talc.
0:53:36 > 0:53:38- Could be talcum powder.- Flour!
0:53:38 > 0:53:43Moving on to the front passenger seat, there was a rhinestone.
0:53:43 > 0:53:47We had chemical reactions that we would frequently find
0:53:47 > 0:53:49if we were examining different types of cases
0:53:49 > 0:53:52on potentially vaginal swabs.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54- Vaginal... - Material on the passenger seat.
0:54:00 > 0:54:02Mine was a drooling businessman flicking bogies,
0:54:02 > 0:54:05- wet himself. Yours... - Was an interesting bloke.
0:54:05 > 0:54:10- Could the rhinestone come from a vajazzle?- What's that?
0:54:10 > 0:54:13They don't have them in Herefordshire where you live.
0:54:13 > 0:54:15I'm seeing a magic stick that you wave at things.
0:54:15 > 0:54:16No, it isn't that.
0:54:18 > 0:54:20With Manlove's test complete,
0:54:20 > 0:54:25we took our cars onto the road to see what they're like on the...road.
0:54:30 > 0:54:34Oh, yeah. Headlamps popping up. Ooh, yeah.
0:54:34 > 0:54:36I'll put them away.
0:54:38 > 0:54:39Just feels great.
0:54:39 > 0:54:42It doesn't feel old-fashioned, outdated or second hand.
0:54:42 > 0:54:45There's just not a clue that this is anything other
0:54:45 > 0:54:47than an incredibly expensive car.
0:54:47 > 0:54:51Rear roller blind, yep, that's working well.
0:54:51 > 0:54:54Put it in sport mode, that works.
0:54:54 > 0:54:59Raise the suspension up, lower it, turn the traction control off.
0:54:59 > 0:55:01Cruise control.
0:55:01 > 0:55:03In some ways, it's not really a rival for the Nissan Pixo,
0:55:03 > 0:55:06but it is a rival for a brand new Mercedes.
0:55:06 > 0:55:09You do have to ask, why would you buy one?
0:55:09 > 0:55:13Let me just try the linguatronic, make sure that's working OK.
0:55:15 > 0:55:16Radio Two.
0:55:18 > 0:55:24- 'Capital. Radio 4. News Direct. - Cancel.'
0:55:25 > 0:55:27That's working brilliantly.
0:55:27 > 0:55:31Exactly like every linguatronic system I've ever encountered.
0:55:31 > 0:55:33Total disobedience!
0:55:34 > 0:55:38Soon, we pulled over in the town of Market Harborough
0:55:38 > 0:55:41to conduct a little experiment.
0:55:41 > 0:55:47- This Mercedes, V12, how much do you reckon?- 20, 25.- 20 or 25.
0:55:47 > 0:55:49- 27 grand.- 27 grand?
0:55:49 > 0:55:51- 12 or 13.- 12 or 13?
0:55:51 > 0:55:55It's a V12 BMW, what would you think that was for sale for
0:55:55 > 0:55:57if it was for sale today?
0:55:57 > 0:55:59- About 12,000.- 12,000?
0:55:59 > 0:56:0140 to 50,000.
0:56:01 > 0:56:03What about this car, sir?
0:56:03 > 0:56:05It's a V12 also. It's done 54,000 miles.
0:56:05 > 0:56:0720, something like that.
0:56:07 > 0:56:09If your neighbour put that on the drive,
0:56:09 > 0:56:10you'd think, "They've done all right."
0:56:14 > 0:56:15It's as we thought.
0:56:15 > 0:56:20People think these cars are worth far more than we actually paid.
0:56:20 > 0:56:24So what we have here are two V12 super coupes,
0:56:24 > 0:56:27blasting through the heart of England
0:56:27 > 0:56:32silently, quickly, comfortably and cheaply.
0:56:40 > 0:56:42If the Nissan's done one thing for us,
0:56:42 > 0:56:46it's let us know that these cars are out there for that kind of money.
0:56:49 > 0:56:51It's a complete no-brainer.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04APPLAUSE
0:57:05 > 0:57:08I know. I know.
0:57:08 > 0:57:10I honestly believe...
0:57:10 > 0:57:13I believe we really are on to something here.
0:57:13 > 0:57:15They are both brilliant. What?!
0:57:15 > 0:57:18Have you two taken complete leave of your senses?
0:57:18 > 0:57:23- Why?!- Because anybody who buys an ancient V12 coupe
0:57:23 > 0:57:26instead of the economical three-cylinder little hatchback
0:57:26 > 0:57:28is going to end up bankrupt and living in a skip.
0:57:28 > 0:57:32Listen, Captain Killjoy! How do you know?
0:57:32 > 0:57:36A modern Formula 1 car doesn't break down, so what makes you think
0:57:36 > 0:57:39that a relatively modern road car is going to break down?
0:57:39 > 0:57:41Because Formula 1 cars
0:57:41 > 0:57:45are not owned by people who fill them with...
0:57:45 > 0:57:48with snot and lady juice.
0:57:48 > 0:57:50Nelson Piquet did.
0:57:50 > 0:57:52Anyway, we anticipated your objections
0:57:52 > 0:57:56and we didn't just borrow these cars to drive, we actually bought them.
0:57:56 > 0:57:57What, with money?
0:57:57 > 0:58:01Yes, and we're going to run them for a while and report back
0:58:01 > 0:58:05and inform the viewers on just how reliable they are.
0:58:05 > 0:58:08Really? I am prepared to bet you two all of my hair
0:58:08 > 0:58:11that within two weeks, one of these has gone bang.
0:58:12 > 0:58:14James, there will be no bombshell.
0:58:16 > 0:58:20And on that bombshell, it is time to end. I do apologise.
0:58:20 > 0:58:22Tonight's show has been about cars.
0:58:22 > 0:58:24- Even the guest. - Even the guest was a driver.
0:58:24 > 0:58:27Don't worry, next week, normal service is resumed.
0:58:27 > 0:58:30There are many accidents and a light fire.
0:58:30 > 0:58:31We'll see you then. Good night.
0:58:46 > 0:58:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:49 > 0:58:52E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk