0:00:11 > 0:00:13Tonight, I use a machine.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Agh!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18James writes on a blackboard.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21And Richard lobs fruit into a caravan.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- APPLAUSE - Thank you, everybody.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Thank you, thank you so much.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Good evening, hello. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Now, in the not-very-olden days,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Jaguar had a worldwide reputation for...
0:00:43 > 0:00:48I was going to say quality - not quality, but quietness, comfort,
0:00:48 > 0:00:52restrained good looks and value. Now, though,
0:00:52 > 0:00:57they've introduced a new car which seems to be only about one thing.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Speed.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03120. 130.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05140.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Into fifth.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09150.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11160.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15170. In a Jag! Come on!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Apparently, with a long enough runway, it will hit 186.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Whoa! This isn't long enough. Help, help!
0:01:33 > 0:01:37So, welcome to the new XKR-S,
0:01:37 > 0:01:43the most powerful road car Jaguar has ever made.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46The supercharged V8 has been re-calibrated
0:01:46 > 0:01:48and the exhausts beefed-up
0:01:48 > 0:01:55so that it now fires 542 horsepower at the rear wheels.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58That's on the edge of Ferrari territory.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03As a result, it feels and sounds
0:02:03 > 0:02:10as though it's being fuelled by a blend of plutonium and wild animals.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14It is very fast.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19And very, very loud.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26And then in the corners,
0:02:26 > 0:02:30it'll get its tail out more readily than George Michael.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35There you go. Hit the throttle...
0:02:37 > 0:02:40A lot of smoke. Ha-ha!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43It's mad! A mad car.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47It's like Terry Thomas with a sub-machine gun.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57To make sure deaf people don't mistake the S for an ordinary XKR,
0:02:57 > 0:03:01the body has bigger sills, a bigger rear spoiler,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04and snowshoes on the bonnet.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10It's also got this new downturned nose, which makes it look
0:03:10 > 0:03:14rather disapproving, like a 1950s seaside landlady.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19And I'm sorry, but red brake callipers on a Jag...
0:03:19 > 0:03:24it's like fitting Camilla Parker Bowles with a vajazzle and rings.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I'm saying this out loud, aren't I?
0:03:28 > 0:03:34Inside, we find leather designed to look like carbon fibre,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36and blue ambient lighting.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40The walnut from Jags of yesteryear, gone.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44The gentleman's club has been turned into Grant Bovey's gym.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47There are other issues, too.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49The ride is a bit harsh.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Run over a pheasant, you'd be able to tell
0:03:52 > 0:03:53if it was a cock or a hen.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Then there's the price, it's not what you call cheap.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01In fact, it is what you'd call £97,000,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05and that is what you'd call nearly 100 grand.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13So, Jag has sacrificed subtlety, good looks, comfort, silence
0:04:13 > 0:04:16and value - all its core values -
0:04:16 > 0:04:18in the pursuit of speed.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31But if all you're interested in is speed, I wonder,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35would you be better off with the Nissan GTR?
0:04:37 > 0:04:38This is the new model.
0:04:38 > 0:04:45More powerful, more aerodynamic and, unbelievably, even more grippy.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49We're told it's a masterclass
0:04:49 > 0:04:52in what's technically possible right now.
0:04:52 > 0:04:57Built in a hermetically sealed factory, it is the last word
0:04:57 > 0:04:59in precision engineering.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Every single piece - the brakes, all four wheels,
0:05:05 > 0:05:09the 3.8 litre twin-turbo engine,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12the steering, the new double clutch gearbox,
0:05:12 > 0:05:16they're all electronically linked to sing the song of speed
0:05:16 > 0:05:18in perfect harmony.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Let me give you just one example.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26The tyres on this car are filled with nitrogen
0:05:26 > 0:05:27because ordinary air
0:05:27 > 0:05:29is considered to be too unstable.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32It expands and it contracts too much.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36And I know what they mean, air drives me mad.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41It's too big, it's too little. Grr! Air!
0:05:45 > 0:05:51But can this OCD special really be faster than the bonkers Jag?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57The Jag has 20 more horsepowers and 50 more torques.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01I know this is lighter and it has launch control,
0:06:01 > 0:06:07which is what I'm engaging now, but on paper, this cannot win.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Three, two, one!
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Oh, my God!
0:06:18 > 0:06:22That was 0-60 in three seconds.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28The Jag is just a speck.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35It's funny, the Jag is surprisingly fast because it's a Jag.
0:06:35 > 0:06:41This is surprisingly fast because it is surprisingly fast.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48That was not a win, that was a demolition.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I don't think I've ever been in a car
0:06:51 > 0:06:54that has launched itself quite like that.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59And don't think the Jag can get away on the corners either.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04Here it is now coming through the follow-through as fast as it can.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12That's 84.8mph.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14And here is the Nissan -
0:07:14 > 0:07:18same corner, same conditions, same driver.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23That's 93.3mph.
0:07:23 > 0:07:29So it's 8.5mph faster and that explains why at the Nurburgring,
0:07:29 > 0:07:34where there are 147 corners, the Jag takes nine minutes to do a lap,
0:07:34 > 0:07:39while the Nissan can get round in seven minutes and 24 seconds.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44That's faster than almost anything else with a tax disc.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49This is an incredible car. The new gearbox is spectacularly good.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53The engine... Well, it's not an engine, it's just a bomb.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56The turning is crisp and fantastic,
0:07:56 > 0:08:00and if you have the chassis and the gearbox and the traction control
0:08:00 > 0:08:03set in race mode, which they are now,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05the grip...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07is just mind-boggling.
0:08:07 > 0:08:13As I shall now demonstrate graphically with my face.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Bloody hell!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27All I've got is the PlayStation G reading
0:08:27 > 0:08:32telling me how much damage this car is doing to my internal organs.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Just driving a Nissan.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53And yet, despite everything, this car produces
0:08:53 > 0:08:56fewer carbon dioxides than the Jag.
0:08:56 > 0:09:03It has seats in the back you can actually use, a bigger boot,
0:09:03 > 0:09:07and at £69,000, it's nearly £30,000 cheaper.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09So the conclusion is easy.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14Why buy a brogue that's been converted into a training shoe
0:09:14 > 0:09:16when, for much less, you can have
0:09:16 > 0:09:18something that was designed
0:09:18 > 0:09:21to be a training shoe in the first place?
0:09:31 > 0:09:37- Astonishing.- Outstanding. What the GTR is,
0:09:37 > 0:09:43- it is an instrument of speed. An instrument.- I like it.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- What about the Jag, not so good? - I don't understand what Jaguar
0:09:46 > 0:09:49were thinking of, because they must have looked at Aston Martin
0:09:49 > 0:09:52and thought, "Right, they make nothing but a range of
0:09:52 > 0:09:57"hardcore, front-engined GT cars, so we'll do exactly the same."
0:09:57 > 0:09:59But you know what the problem is, don't you?
0:09:59 > 0:10:05Jaguar now have a permanent testing facility at the Nurburgring.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Where they should have a permanent testing facility
0:10:09 > 0:10:11is between the two mini roundabouts
0:10:11 > 0:10:14in Chipping Norton, where I live, because that's the bumpiest stretch
0:10:14 > 0:10:17of road in the known universe, and it's been dug up again by that...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20What's that construction company called that you can't pronounce?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Chlamydia. No, not chlamydia.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Now, though, it's time to find how fast the Nissan goes
0:10:26 > 0:10:28round our track, and that means
0:10:28 > 0:10:30handing it over to our tame racing driver.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Some say
0:10:32 > 0:10:36that he once hacked into his own helmet...
0:10:37 > 0:10:43..and that he thinks Harper Seven is a convicted terrorist cell.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46All we know is - he's called the Stig!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51And he's off. A tiny chirp from the back tyres, then a crisp smooth
0:10:51 > 0:10:56slingshot up to the first corner like a precise Japanese missile.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Turns in.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Predictably tidy all the way through and still tidy on the way out.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06FOREIGN MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Stig enjoying Rock the Casbah in Algerian there.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Wow! Right, another laser-guided line
0:11:14 > 0:11:17through Chicago, hammerhead, the one place where
0:11:17 > 0:11:20the Nissan's four-wheel drive might bring understeer.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Not a chance.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Tiny drift towards the exit, then through.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Cleaner than James's tool bench.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Just kisses 7,000rpm and up a gear.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Fires it into the follow-through.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Ballistic, through the tyres. Two corners left.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Here we go, getting a bit squirrelly and wiggly in there.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Back under control now for Gambon, and drifts it through,
0:11:50 > 0:11:51and across the line.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55OK, now, earlier on...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Thank you. Earlier on in the day,
0:11:59 > 0:12:04he went around in the Jag and he recorded a time of 1.23.3,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07so that goes there, and that's not bad, it's faster than the DBS
0:12:07 > 0:12:09and faster than any other Aston.
0:12:09 > 0:12:15However, in the GTR, he did it in not 1.23.3, OK?
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Little bit higher than that.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Little bit higher than an R8V10.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Or a 599.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Or a 599GTO.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Past the old GTR.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Still higher, past the Enzo.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Higher, higher, higher!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33There!
0:12:33 > 0:12:38Unbelievable! 1.17.8.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43So that's as fast as the Zonda F,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- which costs four times as much.- Yes.
0:12:46 > 0:12:51And it's faster than a GTO Ferrari, by a big margin,
0:12:51 > 0:12:55which is four times as much again. Anyway, we must now do the news.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Before we get into the news properly,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00can I just say that - sticking with the Nissan - it's very difficult
0:13:00 > 0:13:02to get a four-wheel-drive turbocharged car like that
0:13:02 > 0:13:04off the line quickly, except that the Nissan has
0:13:04 > 0:13:08a thing called launch control, which is basically just a computer that
0:13:08 > 0:13:12sorts everything out for you, so you get a perfect start every time.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Yes, there's just one problem with launch control.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- It is the stupidest thing ever fitted to a car.- Why?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22No, seriously, if you think about it, what you have to do
0:13:22 > 0:13:25to engage it - a series of switches.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27You put your left foot on the brake,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29plant your right foot hard down on the accelerator, and when
0:13:29 > 0:13:32the lights go green, you take your foot of the brake and it goes.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35The computer sorts it out, as you say.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39So, OK, you're at the lights - MEHHHH!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42And everyone's looking, going, "What an unintelligent man."
0:13:42 > 0:13:47- It makes a bit of a scene.- It does, really.- The most uncivilised thing
0:13:47 > 0:13:48you can do with a car
0:13:48 > 0:13:51is use launch control at a zebra crossing.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- Ugh! Come on, old lady! - It would hurry 'em up!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Can we just say one other thing as well, about launch control?
0:14:00 > 0:14:05- Only one of us has it fitted to our car.- Yeah, it's true.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- Is it...? It's him!- It's him.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11James May has launch control.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Yeah, I don't use it.- You don't say?!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Are you sure? Every time you leave the pie shop,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19"Thanks for the pies, I'm off!" Rrrr!
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Can anybody think of a device
0:14:20 > 0:14:24fitted to modern cars that's more stupid than launch control?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You're fitted to quite a lot now.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Has anybody got any ideas?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- What, like a gizmo?- What? - Cup holders!
0:14:32 > 0:14:37- They're essential! - They're useful, you stupid idiot!
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- Cup holders are brilliant things, for if you need a drink...- Yeah.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Actually, I have a really good one.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Mercedes and BMW now fit a night-vision camera,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49so you can drive along at night, and the dashboard's got this screen,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51showing you what's on the road ahead.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54So I was driving up a country lane the other day, single track, OK?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Doing about 60 miles an hour, which is legal,
0:14:56 > 0:14:57middle of the night, I thought,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00God, I'm going to try and drive, just using the night-vision camera.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Why am I not surprised?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Turned the lights off, looked down to see where I was going,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07and there was a message saying,
0:15:07 > 0:15:11"Night vision not available when lights off." Argh!
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Forgive me... That's night vision that only works in the day.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- With the lights on.- Wouldn't be good for snipers, would it?
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I'll just... Bink... Lights on, now I can line up.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Last week, James brought you news of a new Range Rover called the Evoke.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29This week, there's more new Range Rover news, there's a new Sport.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34Now, what's interesting about this is, it has voice control
0:15:34 > 0:15:39with what Land-Rover call a "say what you see" function.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Now, in order to get the car to do things,
0:15:43 > 0:15:47it brings up words on the screen, and then you repeat them.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48What's the point of that?
0:15:48 > 0:15:53Does it have a picture of the object next to it? Apple! Apple!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56If it was that, you could have enormous fun with foreign markets.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59In Germany, you could bring up a picture of a squirrel.
0:15:59 > 0:16:06Because, if you think about it, all Germans, no matter how well they speak English, can't say "squirrel".
0:16:06 > 0:16:09"What's this?" "Oh, that would be a skvirrol!"
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Any Glaswegians here?- Yes!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Come here. Where are you?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I want to just test it.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- Are you actually from Glasgow?- Yes.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Can you say "burglar alarm"? - Burglar alarm.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- No!- Burr-glurr ala-rrrm!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Burrr-glurr!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"Och, it's the burrr-glurrr ala-rrrm gone off again!"
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Anyway, there you go, a couple of other things about it.
0:16:38 > 0:16:44- It's got an 825-watt stereo.- What?! - That's more than Motorhead.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45A lot more. 17 speakers.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48And I'm sorry, but that front end is hideous. I don't know why
0:16:48 > 0:16:51they don't have done with that car and call it the Wilmslow.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53The day is coming when they fit that with fake pillars
0:16:53 > 0:16:57on either side of the door, I'm warning you.
0:16:57 > 0:17:03Now, last week, these two morons spent good money on two second-hand V12 coupes.
0:17:03 > 0:17:09They spent the same money you would spend on the Nissan Pixo, the cheapest new car on sale in Britain.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12And I was prepared to bet all of my hair that within two weeks,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14one of them would have gone "pop".
0:17:14 > 0:17:17So, chaps, what's the news?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19My BMW, 100% not a problem.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Still working perfectly.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- There you go, excellent.- Moving on... - No, your Mercedes is here.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30My Mercedes, yes, I bought a Mercedes 600CL.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Yes, you did. It's quite interesting, because I have a photograph here
0:17:33 > 0:17:37that I'd like to share with everyone of the Top Gear car park.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39There, in fact, is Hammond's BMW...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Working. - ..and where's your Mercedes?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Warm and dry. Now, moving on...
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Tell the ladies and gentlemen why it isn't in that space.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Can't remember.- Tell them.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57- Tell them!- One of its ignition coils has gone a bit wonky.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00It's interesting that you should say that because I did some research
0:18:00 > 0:18:08and I found out that the ignition coil for the Nissan Pixo is £138.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09How much is it for the Mercedes?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- HE MUMBLES:- 800 and something.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13£878.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Sorry, did that include fitting?
0:18:17 > 0:18:18- No.- No.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Did it include the VAT?
0:18:22 > 0:18:23- No.- No.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28So, what, in fact, was the cost of a new ignition coil for your Mercedes?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32- HE MUMBLES:- £1,200. - £1,200, ladies and gentlemen!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Thank you. I keep my hair.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38That's annoying.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43Now, recent figures have shown that 71% of people across the UK
0:18:43 > 0:18:50still commute by car, and more people go to work by walking or by bicycle than they do by train.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Yeah, and the reason for that is very simple. Train tickets are enormously expensive.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58And they're enormously expensive because trains are enormously expensive to build.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00But why are trains expensive to build?
0:19:00 > 0:19:05Why has Britain's last train maker recently laid off half its workforce?
0:19:05 > 0:19:10Surely there is a solution to this problem! I mean, how hard can it be?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13This is a Jaguar XJS.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18It's 22 years old and it cost £4,500.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22For that, we got the convertible version with the big engine,
0:19:22 > 0:19:26the 300-horsepower 5.3-litre V12.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32It really does go like a train, this car,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and that is what got us thinking,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38because...could it actually be a train?
0:19:41 > 0:19:46To find out, I took it to Top Gear's Secret Railway Development Centre
0:19:46 > 0:19:49in Leicestershire, just off the A46 near Thurcaston,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52where we cued the music and set to work.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57MUSIC: Theme from The A-Team
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Perfect!
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Argh!
0:20:15 > 0:20:20Finally, our XJ Express was ready.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36So, what we've done is replace the standard wheels
0:20:36 > 0:20:40with train wheels, and that's it.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Nothing else. The cost savings are phenomenal, because a normal
0:20:44 > 0:20:46railway locomotive is 4 million.
0:20:46 > 0:20:52- This was, in total, £4,750. - That is an enormous saving!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54It's not much more than a thousandth of the cost.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Exactly. If we were running this from Peterborough to London...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I don't know what a season ticket is,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02many thousands of pounds a year.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05This would be 20p or 30p.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10It was time for the Jaguar's inaugural run.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- I don't think you need to turn that. - We could have taken this off.- Yeah.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22- Ready?- Yes. - History's in the making.- Drive.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27We are pulling out of the station.
0:21:27 > 0:21:33- Oh!- No steering - it's weird!
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- This feels fantastic! - This is awesome.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Sounds like a train. Listen to that!
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Blow the horn. HORN BLARES
0:21:56 > 0:22:01- We've solved public transport, literally solved it.- Yep!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05The only thing that would really perfect the experience
0:22:05 > 0:22:07would be if there were steam.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10But as it's an old Jaguar, there's a very real chance.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15'But the old Jag ran like clockwork.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16'So we returned to base...'
0:22:19 > 0:22:22You're all right. You're all right.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- You're all right.- '..to attach our equally brilliant carriages.'
0:22:25 > 0:22:28You're all right. You're all right.
0:22:28 > 0:22:34A modern-day railway carriage costs in excess of £1 million.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Ours didn't cost anything like that much.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Now, we have made some mechanical modifications.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50We've stripped out the central wheels and added one in each corner for extra stability.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52And we've introduced a class system.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57Absolutely. Now, I have taken the Pageant CD Champagne model, no less,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59and used it to create first class.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Inside, it was beautifully appointed,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07creating an atmosphere that I hoped
0:23:07 > 0:23:09would resurrect the golden age of train travel
0:23:09 > 0:23:12for the discerning first-class passenger.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Hammond, meanwhile,
0:23:17 > 0:23:21had been responsible for the buffet car and second class.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Just look at this.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Inside - smart, clean, functional.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Everything the modern rail traveller wants and demands.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34And at the back, there was Jeremy's creation.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36This is the economy section.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39What I've done is, I've fitted benches and, on the floor,
0:23:39 > 0:23:45straw, to absorb the diseases and the blood, should there be a riot.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50Then, for an authentic working-class feel, at the back,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I've fitted an outside khazi.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Why have you called it "scum class"?
0:23:56 > 0:24:01- Good name.- It's a bit blunt. - Honestly, think about it. This way, it's an incentive.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05You don't walk into the ticket office and go, "Hello! Three scum-class tickets."
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You'll say, "I'll spend a bit more so I don't have to say that."
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- You'll say, "I'll have second class." We'll make more profit. - We'll make more money.- Exactly.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16'With the carriages hooked up to the Jag, we prepared ourselves
0:24:16 > 0:24:20'for the maiden voyage of the world's cheapest train.'
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Engaging drive.- Engage forwards.
0:24:31 > 0:24:36- Not moving. - Be gentle with it. Gently!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38That's not working, is it?!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40It says we're doing 80 miles an hour then.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Get out and give us a push.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44How's he going to push it?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Just get it started.- When did you ever see anybody push a train?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Why won't it go? 300 horsepower.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- It's not working! - Why isn't it working?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Because it's just spinning all its power away and not going anywhere.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06- Why?- Well, one, you're driving it like an oaf...
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- I've done gentle! - You didn't do gentle.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12You just planted your foot on it and went, "power!" as normally.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Secondly, I'm sorry to say this, but you've brought the wrong car.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17You did. It's a rear-wheel-drive roadster.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- Do you want front-wheel drive? - Possibly. Four-wheel drive is where it wants to be.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24It's not the car!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26We've got too many carriages. It's too heavy.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Of course it's got carriages on it, you muppet! It's a train!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- There are too many. - That's the bare minimum.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33We've got first-class, second class,
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- scum class, buffet.- Real trains! - No less.- It's too heavy.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39That's how much it weighs.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- We need a different locomotive. - We do...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What about...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- ..a sports train?- A what?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53A sports train. One carriage and a car. It's a sports train.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56That defeats the point of it being a train, doesn't it?
0:25:56 > 0:26:02- One carriage?- Listen, you've got sports cars, sports planes, sports boats, sports jackets.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04You've got loads of those.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09- People pay more for sports experience.- If it's got one carriage, it's not a train.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11No - Train GTI.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15And you can sell tickets for millions of pounds because everybody will want to go in a sports train.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18All the trains are on the same line. You may as well get a bigger,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20better locomotive and put them together.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24- That's why it's called A TRAIN. - I'm not changing the car.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- Well, we're doing a proper train. - Well, you haven't got a car.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Well, we'll get one.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- Uncouple me.- Gladly.- Off you go.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38'Jeremy departed, leaving us with the task of finding a new locomotive.'
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Oh, yeah. That's great(!)
0:26:47 > 0:26:49We shall pick that up later on.
0:26:49 > 0:26:54No, we will not. Because what is wrong with my idea for a sports train?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56It's stupid, you're an idiot!
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Are you suggesting, therefore, that Isambard Kingdom Brunel,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03the greatest engineer who ever lived, was an idiot?
0:27:03 > 0:27:07No. Because Brunel did not suggest making a sports train.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Well, that's where you're wrong. Because I have a photograph here
0:27:10 > 0:27:14of an engine designed to go on Brunel's Great Western Railway.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- And look at that. - RICHARD LAUGHS
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- What?- In what way is that sporty?
0:27:19 > 0:27:24Let me explain. We think today of a 20-inch rim as being very sporty.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Look at that. That is a 96-inch rim.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29For goodness' sake!
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Look at this, that is a fat exhaust.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35And, you will notice, one carriage.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38This is a Max Power train, right here.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43Anyway, putting aside Jeremy's ideas of Pimp My Stovepipe Hat,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Hammond and I think we might be
0:27:45 > 0:27:46onto something with our train.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49So we will, in fact, pick that up later.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53We will. But now it is time to put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57And my guest tonight is quite simply...Rowan Atkinson!
0:28:01 > 0:28:07120 shows. Finally got you here.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Thank you so much.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Have a seat.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Rowan Atkinson.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20So, Rowan, obviously, Not The Nine O'Clock News,
0:28:20 > 0:28:24- Mr Bean, you are, Blackadder.- Yes.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28But may we begin by talking, if you don't mind, about the Honda NSX?
0:28:28 > 0:28:32- You are a fan, I believe, of the Honda?- I have owned one. Yes.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36- And why did you find that...? - Well, I liked its modesty.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38I liked its understatedness.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40I liked the fact that it was a very good car
0:28:40 > 0:28:42and yet, it didn't shout itself.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45It was sort of image-free. I think that's what I liked about it.
0:28:45 > 0:28:50- This is nice, I like talking to a man about cars.- It's the only thing I can really talk about.- Quite.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Which is why we've looked forward for so many years to have you on.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Of course, the McLaren F1 was another one of your...
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- Which I've still got. 14 years on. - You still have it?- Yeah.
0:28:59 > 0:29:04- That is more interesting, because I don't like that.- I know, you've never been wild about it.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08I don't know, you've got to live with it. I've lived with it for 14 years.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11And I've done a lot of miles in it.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13I've done 37,000 miles.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17- In a McLaren? - Which, for a McLaren, is a lot.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19And you actually lent yours to us, I seem to recall.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24What possessed you to say, "Yes, Top Gear have rung saying,
0:29:24 > 0:29:26"can they borrow my most prized possessions"?
0:29:26 > 0:29:31I know, for some reason, I trusted you more than most people trust you, Jeremy.
0:29:31 > 0:29:36It was Richard Hammond, who has a reputation for driving in a straight line with no incidents at all(!)
0:29:36 > 0:29:38Oh, right, yes.
0:29:38 > 0:29:43- You had an Aston Martin last time we saw you in Johnny English.- Yes.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47- Which was a DB7.- Yes, a DB7 Vantage. That shows how long ago it was.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50It was 2002 when we made the first Johnny English.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54- And, of course, now there is another one.- There is a new one. Johnny English Reborn.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58Reborn? I'm embarrassed to say I haven't actually seen it.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02There's a very good reason for that, because we haven't actually finished it.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05- LAUGHTER - But it's coming. It's in the pipelines.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08It's out in September, so you'll see it then.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12We have a sample of what's going to be in the new movie. Hopefully, some cars.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15- Some bits and bobs, yes. - Let's have a look at the clip.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17'The world's greatest spy...'
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Johnny English.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22- Work hard, play hard. - '..is back...'
0:30:22 > 0:30:24ALL: Oh!
0:30:24 > 0:30:26'..and deadlier than ever.'
0:30:26 > 0:30:29You've been away for some time, English.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32- But you haven't been forgotten. - CAT WAILS
0:30:32 > 0:30:35There is a plot to kill the Premier.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- Time is of the essence. Where are we on security?- English?
0:30:44 > 0:30:45Give me 24 hours.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51- 'In 2011...'- My country needs me.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54- It's Johnny English. - Let's kick some bottom.
0:30:54 > 0:30:55'..British intelligence...'
0:30:59 > 0:31:00'..fights back.'
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Johnny!
0:31:04 > 0:31:07It's the killer from Hong Kong! Murderous crone!
0:31:09 > 0:31:11I've got her! You old hag!
0:31:11 > 0:31:12She's the killer!
0:31:12 > 0:31:14- She's my mother!- Granny!
0:31:20 > 0:31:25- I thought the last one was excellent. And that looks... - You'd go and see that, wouldn't you?
0:31:25 > 0:31:30Obviously, let's talk about the cars in there. I saw a Rolls-Royce, the Phantom.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Rolls-Royce Phantom coupe, exactly.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36I feel as though the Aston thing has been a bit overdone.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39It's in the James Bond movies and we used it in the first film
0:31:39 > 0:31:41and I felt like doing something a bit different.
0:31:41 > 0:31:46I've become quite a fan of the Phantom. But I wanted to give the car we had a little USP.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50Some unique little thing which no other Phantom had.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53- Which was?- Which was an engine.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57But not any engine.
0:31:57 > 0:31:58This was an engine...
0:31:58 > 0:32:00There's an interesting story behind it.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03When BMW bought the rights to the Rolls-Royce name
0:32:03 > 0:32:05in the late 20th century,
0:32:05 > 0:32:09they had the opportunity to create the ultimate luxury car for the 21st century.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13And they thought, maybe we ought to give it the ultimate engine.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17So let's give it something like... a nine-litre V16 engine.
0:32:17 > 0:32:21And, unbelievably, they made three or four of these engines and they tested them.
0:32:21 > 0:32:26They got them up to speed and they had unbelievable power and torque figures.
0:32:26 > 0:32:30And then, at the last minute, they thought, "Hmm, might be a bit over the top."
0:32:30 > 0:32:33But they had developed these engines and they'd stuck them in the warehouse somewhere
0:32:33 > 0:32:37and I knew that they existed, so I got in touch with Rolls-Royce
0:32:37 > 0:32:42and said, "Would you mind squeezing one of your V16 engines in the front of our Johnny English Phantom?"
0:32:42 > 0:32:46Very sweetly, they agreed to do it. And it works, it's the real thing.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49So the car we have over there, which is from the movie,
0:32:49 > 0:32:52- that's got a V16 engine in it? - Yes, a nine-litre V16 engine.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54That's amazing. That's why its bonnet's up?
0:32:54 > 0:32:57- I thought it had broken down. - No, no, no.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59- LAUGHTER - No, Jeremy, it hasn't broken down.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01I'm with you, I'm a huge fan of the Phantom.
0:33:01 > 0:33:06- I think it is one of the greatest cars. - And, of course, it fits perfectly
0:33:06 > 0:33:08because the Phantom was designed for that engine.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10I want to talk, if I may, just a bit about comedy.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12We've talked about cars now.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15- The comedy stuff, take Blackadder. - Right.- When you read that script
0:33:15 > 0:33:19and there was somebody there called Bob...
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Anybody else would read it and go, "All right, they're called Bob."
0:33:22 > 0:33:23You decided that Bob could be
0:33:23 > 0:33:27- a funny word.- Right. Bob. - LAUGHTER
0:33:27 > 0:33:32- But how do you do that?- It was always at the end of the sentence.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35"So, how can I help you, Bob?"
0:33:35 > 0:33:39It just seemed like a funny way of saying it. "Bob."
0:33:39 > 0:33:42I was looking at a list of motoring words the other day
0:33:42 > 0:33:45and wondering if you could, just by saying them, make them funny.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49- Just say the word.- Airbag.
0:33:49 > 0:33:50LAUGHTER
0:33:50 > 0:33:53De Dion-Bouton.
0:33:53 > 0:33:54LAUGHTER
0:33:54 > 0:33:55That's a French word, that.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Petrol pump.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05Very good. Round of applause for saying "petrol pump".
0:34:05 > 0:34:10- It's also the faces. - Exactly, that helps.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14Reviewing a car... Because I have to think of all sorts of things to say about a car.
0:34:14 > 0:34:18- If you were a presenter on this show, you could just do it with an expression.- Right.
0:34:18 > 0:34:23So, for example, if you were presented with a McLaren F1.
0:34:30 > 0:34:31Think of another one.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34The imperiousness one gets from a Range Rover.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Ah, right, OK.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43LAUGHTER
0:34:43 > 0:34:45APPLAUSE
0:34:45 > 0:34:47It's amazing!
0:34:50 > 0:34:54We have so much to learn. So, obviously, you do love your cars.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57- Yeah.- Now, of course, you race.
0:34:57 > 0:35:01Yes, occasionally. Historic racing, yeah.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03So, what are you racing now?
0:35:03 > 0:35:06What I have got is a Ford Falcon, 1964 Ford Falcon.
0:35:06 > 0:35:10It's a big 4.7-litre V8, and very, very light.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Isn't that like land yachting?!
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Yes, exactly, it's got a certain floppiness to it!
0:35:17 > 0:35:20So, obviously, driving the Kia...
0:35:20 > 0:35:23One of my worries about coming on the show
0:35:23 > 0:35:26was that I think people know
0:35:26 > 0:35:29that I'm a car enthusiast and that I have done some racing,
0:35:29 > 0:35:31and they will assume that in the Reasonably Priced Car,
0:35:31 > 0:35:35I'll be very good, when there's no guarantee of that whatsoever.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Because it is a very particular thing,
0:35:37 > 0:35:39and I'm a slow learner of cars and all that.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42But anyway, I was keen to have a go, so I had a go.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45Who here would like to see Rowan's lap?
0:35:45 > 0:35:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Play the tape. Let's have a look.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55Like you were using launch control!
0:35:55 > 0:35:59Okey-doke... Here we go.
0:35:59 > 0:36:03- You look a bit nervous, if I may say.- Yeah...
0:36:03 > 0:36:06Ooh, wide line, like a Formula 1 driver through there.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09And wide on the way out as well. Looking smooth.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Yes, now, here we are, into the Hammerhead,
0:36:24 > 0:36:26keeping it between the lines.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Obviously, the slower you appear to be going -
0:36:28 > 0:36:32and that does appear to be very slow indeed -
0:36:32 > 0:36:33sometimes, the faster it is.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37That doesn't look too bad, but what do you think from inside?
0:36:37 > 0:36:38Yes, yes, yes, yes.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Good, good, good.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44You really weren't pleased with any part of this, were you?
0:36:44 > 0:36:48- Obviously, flat through there.- Oh!
0:36:48 > 0:36:50Not so good. Not so good, that.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Come on, cheer up! Yeah, that's nicely done.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55I say, keeping it very tight on the runway.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58That's a new, interesting line.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Second-to-last corner, that is beautifully handled.
0:37:01 > 0:37:06And Gambon, no drama, no histrionics, across the line.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:11 > 0:37:14Well...
0:37:14 > 0:37:18There's the board. Where do you think you might have come?
0:37:18 > 0:37:20- Who's at the very top? - The man at the very top
0:37:20 > 0:37:23is John Bishop, the Northern comedian,
0:37:23 > 0:37:27- followed by Ross Noble, the Northern comedian.- I was born in the North.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30You're from the same neck of the woods as Ross Noble.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33- Indeed.- You're looking at the top, you have that expectation?
0:37:33 > 0:37:35No... Exactly, one looks at that,
0:37:35 > 0:37:38but there's no reason why I should be there.
0:37:38 > 0:37:43I felt as though I did OK, but not great. That's my view.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46OK, at the very top is Bishop on 1:42.8.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49So, Rowan Atkinson. You did it...
0:37:49 > 0:37:51one...
0:37:51 > 0:37:52Good.
0:37:54 > 0:37:55..forty...
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Excellent.
0:37:58 > 0:37:59..two...
0:37:59 > 0:38:03AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:38:03 > 0:38:07- ..two. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:07 > 0:38:11Come on! That's the new fastest man
0:38:11 > 0:38:15we've ever had round our track!
0:38:17 > 0:38:19Ladies and gentlemen, Rowan Atkinson,
0:38:19 > 0:38:22the fastest man ever!
0:38:30 > 0:38:31It is actually remarkable,
0:38:31 > 0:38:34because we did genuinely think when Bishop did that time
0:38:34 > 0:38:38- and was so much faster than Tom Cruise, it would never be beaten.- Mmm.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40No, the Tom Cruise thing is fun, actually.
0:38:40 > 0:38:44And all your lap times were incredibly consistent,
0:38:44 > 0:38:48- as is the mark of a great racing driver.- Pish and posh!
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Turns out you're in the wrong career.
0:38:50 > 0:38:55- So, a lot of people think you've already been on this show.- Yes.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58Ladies and gentlemen, he has now. Rowan Atkinson!
0:38:58 > 0:39:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Great time!
0:39:06 > 0:39:09"Petrol pump." I can't do it!
0:39:12 > 0:39:17Now, earlier on, we embarked on a project to build a cheap train
0:39:17 > 0:39:20using an old Jaguar XJS and some caravans.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23Yeah, and sadly, it didn't work,
0:39:23 > 0:39:28because Jeremy's driving was rubbish, and he bought the wrong car.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Then there was a really big argument and he stormed off with the Jag,
0:39:31 > 0:39:35saying he was going to make something called a sports train.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38Yeah, and that left Hammond and me with all the coaches,
0:39:38 > 0:39:40but nothing to pull them with.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44'After a canter through the classifieds,
0:39:44 > 0:39:49'Hammond and I found our new locomotive.'
0:39:49 > 0:39:53Here's what Hammond and I have bought instead. It's an Audi S8.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57It has even more power than the Jaguar, but more importantly,
0:39:57 > 0:40:00it has four-wheel drive, which is what you need,
0:40:00 > 0:40:02because the rails are slippery.
0:40:02 > 0:40:08Also, I have feet made of flesh, with nerves in them,
0:40:08 > 0:40:12like a human being, not lumps of lead yoked to an incompetent oaf.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15'While I was doing the driving,
0:40:15 > 0:40:17'Hammond would take care of the passengers.'
0:40:17 > 0:40:19In just a few minutes,
0:40:19 > 0:40:21I shall be welcoming the passengers onto the train.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23This is the manifest with their names.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26But before I do that, let's get the buffet car ready.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29This has to look good. This really is...
0:40:29 > 0:40:31All passengers - first, second -
0:40:31 > 0:40:36will be able to come in here, so I want it to look excellent.
0:40:36 > 0:40:40Biscuits, various. Muffins. Yeah.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43It's the carriage of plenty.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47'With the buffet ready, it was time to greet our guests...
0:40:49 > 0:40:52'..who were a group of top officials and inspectors
0:40:52 > 0:40:54'from the railway world.'
0:40:55 > 0:40:57- You are?- Steve Davies.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00- Steve Davies.- He's important.- MBE! Steve Davies, MBE!- Indeed.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03- And you're a colonel! Hello!- How do you do? Nice to see you again.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06- You're in First, which is there.- Indeed.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09- Hello, you're Helen...?- Helen Ashby.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11- OBE! Hello!- Hi!- Come on in, please.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14- Thank you. - You're in First as well, obviously.
0:41:14 > 0:41:18- And, sir?- Ian Walmsley. - Yes, you're also...
0:41:18 > 0:41:21Yes, in there, Ian, that'll be absolutely brilliant.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23In. There you go, you'll be fine.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25The straw's fresh, don't worry.
0:41:28 > 0:41:32'Everything now depended on giving our passengers
0:41:32 > 0:41:35'the train ride of a lifetime.'
0:41:35 > 0:41:39'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the 14:53 express
0:41:39 > 0:41:42'from just outside Leicester to near Loughborough.'
0:41:42 > 0:41:45This train is about to depart.
0:41:45 > 0:41:46'Thank you for travelling with us.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48'We appreciate that you have a choice'
0:41:48 > 0:41:49of car-based rail companies.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52James, that's my job!
0:41:52 > 0:41:54'I'm running this bit of the train. You just drive!'
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Ladies and gentlemen, this is your steward,
0:41:56 > 0:42:00'whose train this is. We will shortly be departing towards Loughborough.'
0:42:12 > 0:42:13Look at this!
0:42:15 > 0:42:17It's a train, and it works!
0:42:20 > 0:42:23HE LAUGHS
0:42:25 > 0:42:27This is the best thing I've ever done!
0:42:31 > 0:42:33'Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be through shortly'
0:42:33 > 0:42:36with refreshments.
0:42:36 > 0:42:37Oh, yeah!
0:42:43 > 0:42:44I don't know if this is coming across
0:42:44 > 0:42:46in the images you're seeing at home,
0:42:46 > 0:42:50but the sensation of being in a car, but on the railway,
0:42:50 > 0:42:55is just the maddest thing I've ever seen out of the window.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57It's a railway!
0:43:16 > 0:43:20Past another train parked in the siding. It's just wonderful.
0:43:22 > 0:43:26More points coming up. The responsible driver slows down a bit.
0:43:26 > 0:43:27A tiny bit of braking.
0:43:30 > 0:43:32Refreshments, gentlemen!
0:43:40 > 0:43:42Oh, it doesn't fit!
0:43:45 > 0:43:49Across the little bridge, the water on the left.
0:43:49 > 0:43:50'While I was sightseeing,
0:43:50 > 0:43:53'Jeremy was finally leaving the station
0:43:53 > 0:43:55'in his idiotic sports train.'
0:43:58 > 0:44:01TGV 12 is up and running!
0:44:07 > 0:44:09Let me talk you through my passengers.
0:44:09 > 0:44:12The man on the left, he's just a man, but the man on the right,
0:44:12 > 0:44:16that is the editor of Rail Express magazine,
0:44:16 > 0:44:18and I need to impress him.
0:44:18 > 0:44:21He's going to be reviewing this experience.
0:44:22 > 0:44:24'Clearly, the best way of impressing him
0:44:24 > 0:44:28'would be to beat Hammond and May to our destination.'
0:44:28 > 0:44:30Come on! Let's build up that speed!
0:44:33 > 0:44:35Taking it up now to 40.
0:44:38 > 0:44:4045!
0:44:40 > 0:44:42A few bugs there
0:44:42 > 0:44:46smashing into the face of the editor of Railway Express magazine.
0:44:50 > 0:44:5155!
0:44:53 > 0:44:56- HE LAUGHS - Look!
0:44:56 > 0:45:00The wind in your hair, the bees in your face!
0:45:01 > 0:45:02V12 power!
0:45:02 > 0:45:05The editor of Railway Express magazine
0:45:05 > 0:45:08basking in the shadow of my magnificence!
0:45:13 > 0:45:14Ugh, a train!
0:45:14 > 0:45:16HORN BLARES
0:45:16 > 0:45:17Oh, my God!
0:45:25 > 0:45:29'Meanwhile, further up the line, May had also got his foot down.'
0:45:31 > 0:45:3325 miles an hour!
0:45:34 > 0:45:38'But this turn of speed was causing a few problems.'
0:45:45 > 0:45:50The cruise control works. Look at that! I'm now doing nothing.
0:45:55 > 0:46:00'It wasn't just the vibrations that were bothering the inspectors,
0:46:00 > 0:46:02'the noise was also an issue.'
0:46:09 > 0:46:12- THEY SHOUT: - What?- Do you think it's safe?
0:46:12 > 0:46:14I can't hear you!
0:46:14 > 0:46:16- Do you think it's safe?- No.
0:46:17 > 0:46:23- How do we communicate in an emergency?- We have to shout!
0:46:23 > 0:46:26- Is there a communication cord to stop the train?- Yes, yes, yes.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29I'm going to check it, actually. I'm about to ask the driver, Mr May,
0:46:29 > 0:46:32to slow down a little bit, just while we're serving the drinks.
0:46:35 > 0:46:37James!
0:46:40 > 0:46:43JAMES!
0:46:44 > 0:46:45What's the matter?
0:46:45 > 0:46:48- Can you slow down a bit? Everything's falling off.- Right.
0:46:50 > 0:46:54Meanwhile, I'd caught up with the idiots, but I couldn't get past,
0:46:54 > 0:46:57due to a railway network design fault.
0:46:58 > 0:47:01Even here, we're stuck behind caravans!
0:47:01 > 0:47:06If I'm honest, though, that wasn't the most immediate problem.
0:47:06 > 0:47:08Oh, for God's sake!
0:47:10 > 0:47:12Oh, this is really bad.
0:47:12 > 0:47:16A member of the working classes is now taking a dump
0:47:16 > 0:47:19in full view of the editor of Railway Express magazine.
0:47:21 > 0:47:24Oh, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:47:24 > 0:47:26I'm very sorry about this!
0:47:28 > 0:47:31I can't just drive along like this forever, I'm backing off.
0:47:33 > 0:47:38'I decided to go back in search of some points where I could change tracks.'
0:47:38 > 0:47:42I do apologise, I do apologise.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46With Jeremy going backwards,
0:47:46 > 0:47:50James and I decided we had time to stop at the next station.
0:47:50 > 0:47:52A tiny bit of braking.
0:47:52 > 0:47:55You see, this is how you drive a train. It's about finesse.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04James, stop! James, stop!
0:48:10 > 0:48:13James, we're bloody miles off!
0:48:13 > 0:48:15I'm going to back up.
0:48:19 > 0:48:21'Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to stretch your legs
0:48:21 > 0:48:24'at this intermediate station, and apologies for the overshoot.'
0:48:25 > 0:48:27That was an overshoot.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30RICHARD: 'Stop doing the BLEEP-ing announcements, that's my job!'
0:48:30 > 0:48:33'Ladies and gentlemen, we're just pulling into the station
0:48:33 > 0:48:36'in case you might want to stretch your legs, perhaps,
0:48:36 > 0:48:37'or maybe have a walk.'
0:48:39 > 0:48:41Allow me, please...
0:48:50 > 0:48:52Bloody hell!
0:48:52 > 0:48:54You don't have to be wearing a short skirt, do you?
0:48:55 > 0:48:57Thank you.
0:48:58 > 0:49:02I have just discovered a small design fault with the TGV12.
0:49:02 > 0:49:05When going backwards, you have to have the bonnet up to keep the engine cool
0:49:05 > 0:49:07because there's no air going into the radiator.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09AND I can't see anything out of the back.
0:49:09 > 0:49:16So the first I'll know about a derailment is when we hear death and screaming from the rear carriage.
0:49:18 > 0:49:23'Back at the station, the inspectors were busy doing some inspecting.'
0:49:23 > 0:49:25What was the noise decibel level?
0:49:25 > 0:49:28108, it peaked at. It's higher than anything I've ever measured.
0:49:28 > 0:49:32Just under 60. That's not wide enough for disabled access.
0:49:32 > 0:49:34Good for people with one arm.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36There's only one armrest.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38The flammability is what worried me.
0:49:38 > 0:49:41My general consideration - it's not a train, it's a death-trap.
0:49:41 > 0:49:46'Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your brief stopover at Quorn and Woodhouse station.'
0:49:46 > 0:49:49We will now be departing again for near Loughborough.
0:49:49 > 0:49:51Come on!
0:49:51 > 0:49:56'Meanwhile, I'd found the set of points where I could switch to the other track.'
0:49:57 > 0:50:01Yes! Now, this is more of a palaver than on the motorway,
0:50:01 > 0:50:04but I am now in the overtaking lane.
0:50:04 > 0:50:06Yes, I am!
0:50:06 > 0:50:10Let's go and hunt down James May!
0:50:16 > 0:50:18We're really moving now!
0:50:19 > 0:50:2170 miles an hour!
0:50:21 > 0:50:23Yes!
0:50:24 > 0:50:29That massive rear spoiler, providing the downforce we need.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34My passengers are looking thrilled.
0:50:37 > 0:50:41'And now I would show May that speed is right, speed is good.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43'Speed works.'
0:50:43 > 0:50:44There he is.
0:50:44 > 0:50:47James May is about to be splashed
0:50:47 > 0:50:51by the mighty wheel-spinning TGV12!
0:50:51 > 0:50:54HE LAUGHS
0:50:56 > 0:50:58Clarkson?
0:51:01 > 0:51:04God, how did he do that?!
0:51:06 > 0:51:08The sports train is invincible!
0:51:10 > 0:51:12Ever since the dawn of the train,
0:51:12 > 0:51:16it has been mired in this sea of turgid practicality.
0:51:16 > 0:51:19Nobody's ever thought, "Let's make an exciting train."
0:51:19 > 0:51:22And here I am, in just such a thing.
0:51:23 > 0:51:26On Hammond and May's train,
0:51:26 > 0:51:30it's just one long, dreary trail of boredom.
0:51:30 > 0:51:34- HORN BLARES - Brace! Brace!
0:51:41 > 0:51:43Some poo's come out!
0:51:53 > 0:51:55Ladies and gentlemen, particularly of First Class,
0:51:55 > 0:51:56'with your OBEs and MBEs,
0:51:56 > 0:51:58'Richard Hammond, your steward,
0:51:58 > 0:52:01'will be passing through shortly with hot meals.'
0:52:01 > 0:52:03Right...
0:52:08 > 0:52:09Oh, wait a minute!
0:52:09 > 0:52:11Since hunting was banned,
0:52:11 > 0:52:15one sees the horses frolicking gaily in the fields, enjoying...
0:52:15 > 0:52:17- HE LAUGHS - Forgive me while I just
0:52:17 > 0:52:19back off and have a bit of a gloat.
0:52:19 > 0:52:23If we look over here, we see traditional farming methods.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25And I think that pretty much covers the lecture.
0:52:25 > 0:52:28I'm just doing a lecture on the countryside. Nothing to see here.
0:52:28 > 0:52:32- ..And that's it. Now we'll be on our way.- Ha!
0:52:32 > 0:52:35Ha-ha! Oh, dear(!)
0:52:35 > 0:52:36Bye!
0:52:36 > 0:52:38Ha! People of First Class...
0:52:40 > 0:52:45'Once again, the editor of Railway Express Magazine was heading back towards Leicester.
0:52:45 > 0:52:51'Although this time, I had at least found a novel way of seeing where I was going.'
0:52:51 > 0:52:53Ignore the enormous locomotive behind me.
0:52:53 > 0:52:55It's a glitch, really. Not my fault.
0:52:57 > 0:53:03'Our train was now certain of beating Jeremy's to near Loughborough.'
0:53:03 > 0:53:05This is just serene.
0:53:05 > 0:53:10However, in the buffet car, things weren't going so well.
0:53:22 > 0:53:24'Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourself.'
0:53:24 > 0:53:26The incompetent steward is about to pour
0:53:26 > 0:53:28'tepid coffee into your crotch.
0:53:28 > 0:53:32'Christ's sake, James! Stop making BLEEP-ing announcements!
0:53:32 > 0:53:34'That's my job, I'm the steward!
0:53:34 > 0:53:36'You drive, I steward.'
0:53:36 > 0:53:41It's my train and the driver makes the bleedin' announcements! That's the way it is.
0:53:42 > 0:53:45I had finally found a passing point
0:53:45 > 0:53:47and was now back in the chase.
0:53:48 > 0:53:50Really shifting now.
0:53:50 > 0:53:53Really, really, really moving.
0:53:55 > 0:53:56No time to lose.
0:53:59 > 0:54:0280mph. Ha-ha!
0:54:02 > 0:54:04'Meanwhile...'
0:54:04 > 0:54:06# La la la la la la!
0:54:06 > 0:54:08'# La la la la la la la! #
0:54:08 > 0:54:12'Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. It's my Tannoy.'
0:54:15 > 0:54:17Hello, chaps.
0:54:17 > 0:54:18Can I offer you refreshments?
0:54:20 > 0:54:22- Have you got a coffee, please?- No.
0:54:22 > 0:54:26- Any chance of a Danish pastry, please?- No.
0:54:33 > 0:54:34I'll slow it down by one mile an hour.
0:54:34 > 0:54:37This isn't the fastest train in the world.
0:54:37 > 0:54:39I'm sure Jeremy will claim his goes faster.
0:54:39 > 0:54:43But ours carries more people, that's the point of a train.
0:54:43 > 0:54:45It's mass transport.
0:54:45 > 0:54:48What Jeremy's built, essentially, is a business jet.
0:54:48 > 0:54:52But that's out of the reach of the vast majority of people.
0:54:52 > 0:54:56- Anything else I can get you? - Red wine?- No.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02Oh, dear.
0:55:02 > 0:55:06It appears my colleagues have a bit of a problem.
0:55:07 > 0:55:09JEREMY CACKLES
0:55:16 > 0:55:17- James.- What?
0:55:17 > 0:55:19Your train's on fire.
0:55:19 > 0:55:22- Is it?- Yes, it is.- Right.
0:55:24 > 0:55:25Well, there we are.
0:55:28 > 0:55:29'Once again, then,
0:55:29 > 0:55:33'it looked like I would be the first to our destination.'
0:55:33 > 0:55:35Very nearly at the end now.
0:55:35 > 0:55:38And what an epic voyage this has been!
0:55:38 > 0:55:42Leicester - well, nearly Leicester - to the outskirts of Loughborough.
0:55:42 > 0:55:45A distance of nearly eight miles.
0:55:45 > 0:55:48And the sports train -
0:55:48 > 0:55:49just about done it.
0:55:49 > 0:55:51Easing it down now.
0:55:53 > 0:55:56I should imagine there'll be a fanfare.
0:55:56 > 0:55:59The Mayor of Loughborough is almost certainly going to be here...
0:55:59 > 0:56:01Oh, he isn't.
0:56:02 > 0:56:03Nobody is.
0:56:04 > 0:56:07'Not to worry, though, because the great pioneers
0:56:07 > 0:56:10'are often unappreciated at first.'
0:56:12 > 0:56:13Throughout this epic voyage,
0:56:13 > 0:56:19I have referred to this as either the TGV12 or the sports train.
0:56:19 > 0:56:21But I don't think that's right. I don't think that does it justice.
0:56:21 > 0:56:24I think that the editor and the other man
0:56:24 > 0:56:28will agree that what you are looking at here is the future.
0:56:28 > 0:56:30And all we must do now
0:56:30 > 0:56:34is await the arrival of my less-successful colleagues.
0:56:38 > 0:56:41No, listen - if you ignore the fire,
0:56:41 > 0:56:44and the fact that we didn't get where we wanted to go,
0:56:44 > 0:56:45it was incredibly noisy,
0:56:45 > 0:56:48and the fact that all the passengers have run away...
0:56:48 > 0:56:50- Apart from that, it was a resounding success?- Yeah.
0:56:50 > 0:56:53We can only judge it to be a success. It worked as a train.
0:56:53 > 0:56:55We came up with something new, unique and brilliant.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57- I think as a concept... - Oh, hello.- ..it's quite nice.
0:56:57 > 0:57:00- But the fact is... - HORN BLARES
0:57:20 > 0:57:23Hold on. Whoa, whoa!
0:57:23 > 0:57:28Let's just get this straight, your train was a total failure.
0:57:28 > 0:57:33- No, it was not.- Where is it, then? - Some of it is in the atmosphere.
0:57:33 > 0:57:35The rest of it is all over Leicestershire.
0:57:35 > 0:57:38Whereas mine is here. And already, her Majesty's Government
0:57:38 > 0:57:42has been on the telephone asking if they can have the rights to use this
0:57:42 > 0:57:45on the proposed West Coast Main Line.
0:57:45 > 0:57:47- Really?- No, I made that up.
0:57:47 > 0:57:52- I'll tell you who has been in touch. The editor of Railway Express magazine.- Excellent.
0:57:52 > 0:57:55- He wrote a short review of his journey on your train. Would you like to hear it?- Mm-hm.
0:57:55 > 0:57:58He says the following. "There was nothing to eat.
0:57:58 > 0:58:01"The ride was awful. The noise was distressing."
0:58:01 > 0:58:04He spent most of the day going backwards,
0:58:04 > 0:58:10he genuinely feared for his life, and he ended up covered in excrement.
0:58:11 > 0:58:14So, it's exactly like a normal train...
0:58:14 > 0:58:16only much cheaper.
0:58:16 > 0:58:19And on that bombshell, it is time to end.
0:58:19 > 0:58:21Thank you very much for watching.
0:58:21 > 0:58:23Next week, we destroy Kent with a tank.
0:58:23 > 0:58:25But for now, good night.
0:58:32 > 0:58:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd