0:00:11 > 0:00:15Tonight, I talk to a man in sunglasses.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18James draws a square on a wall.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21And Richard plays with a soldier's chopper.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Hello, good evening. Thank you so much.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you.
0:00:38 > 0:00:46Now, in the '60s and '70s the TV schedules were awash with detective shows like The Baron,
0:00:46 > 0:00:51Department S, The Protectors, The Persuaders, The Saint, The Avengers.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Let me explain. They were all basically the same.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Every week a good looking man would run into a swanky hotel, punch
0:01:00 > 0:01:04a swarthy looking man in a Fez and then go to bed with a pretty lady.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Anyone here old enough to remember that? Yeah, you, exactly.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12The only difference was the cars they all drove, OK?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15This is Brett Sinclair, Aston Martin DBS.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Steed had a Broadspeed tuned Jag.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23And there is The Saint with his Volvo P1800.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Now, the interesting thing is that almost none of them ever drove
0:01:27 > 0:01:31the Jensen Interceptor, and I think there's a very good reason for that.
0:01:36 > 0:01:44It looks fantastic, but it was built very badly by people who didn't seem to care what they were doing.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Let me give you one example.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53When the people on the Jensen production line needed a new steering rack they'd go to
0:01:53 > 0:02:00the steering rack factory and buy one, often without bothering to check what car it was for.
0:02:00 > 0:02:06Some Interceptors were apparently sold fitted with steering racks designed for the Triumph Stag.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13That, then, is why it wasn't very popular with the TV heroes of yesteryear.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17It would never have worked properly.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Now, though, a small company based here in the lungs of England
0:02:25 > 0:02:30has launched an updated version, which does.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42In the old car the big Chrysler engine turned petrol into noise,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45but very little power was produced on the way,
0:02:45 > 0:02:49so they've taken that engine out and thrown it away.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57In its place there's a 6.2 litre V8 from the modern day Corvette.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01The rear suspension is modern, too, as are the brakes.
0:03:01 > 0:03:08But, critically, the body, that glorious Italian styling, that's untouched.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11And it still has the best name ever put on a car...
0:03:12 > 0:03:14..Interceptor.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22What we have is much the same as that house over there.
0:03:22 > 0:03:29It's old and it's beautiful, but it has central heating, it has all the appurtenances of modern living.
0:03:29 > 0:03:36And unlike that modern day E type we looked at the other day this doesn't cost £500,000.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38This is 112,000.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44I know that's a lot if you're on benefits, but it's not a lot if you're on Elton John.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I mean, if you are Elton John.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51And it's really not a lot when you see what this car can do.
0:03:54 > 0:04:01Thanks to 429 horsepower, 0 to 60 is dealt with in 4.5 seconds
0:04:01 > 0:04:05and the top speed is 167.
0:04:05 > 0:04:11It goes, then, like that other interceptor from the period,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13the English Electric Lightning.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17However, it as thirsty as the jet,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19and as noisy.
0:04:20 > 0:04:26The engine in this, though, sounds fantastic...I think.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29It's hard to be sure because there's so much wind noise
0:04:29 > 0:04:32coming from here and everywhere else.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36It's a reminder, really, that this car was built in the '70s
0:04:36 > 0:04:39in the West Midlands and these words,
0:04:39 > 0:04:44"West", "Seventies", "Midlands," they're not bywords for quality.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50There are other period features I don't much care for either.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52There's the air-conditioning. Two settings,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55sauna or Turkish prison.
0:04:55 > 0:05:01Then you've got the wipers, which are as good at removing water from the windscreen as a pair of pencils.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04And then there's the steering system.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08It's original, so it could be from a Triumph Stag or it could be from
0:05:08 > 0:05:10a lawn mower, who knows?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14What I do know is to make the car move that much
0:05:14 > 0:05:18you have to do quite a lot of flailing at the wheel.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24There are, however, some period features I love.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28The traditional white on black dials are the sort you get in war films, that you tap
0:05:28 > 0:05:32when they tell you bad news and then they tell you good news.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Oh no, I've got no fuel!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Oh, look, I've got a full tank!
0:05:36 > 0:05:41I also like having the dim dip switch on the floor.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44And, look at that radio!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46'This is the BBC Home Service.'
0:05:46 > 0:05:50It's from the James May collection.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54So, how do we sum this car up?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Certainly it's more of a grand tourer than a raging
0:05:57 > 0:06:02B road barnstormer, but I think that what it is most of all
0:06:02 > 0:06:05is a time machine.
0:06:05 > 0:06:10In my head, right now this is not Top Gear and this is not 2011.
0:06:10 > 0:06:17It's 1972, I have an enormous moustache and I am the star
0:06:17 > 0:06:19of a new TV detective show.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Nice wheels.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- Rock your head. - I would have done if you'd gone within a metre of me!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36It was like you're swatting a fly.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- That was rubbish.- Did you see that? - Yeah, it was rubbish.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43We can't just go around pretending to punch each other.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48- You need a sort of proper sequence. Nice wheels, by the way.- Isn't it just the best thing ever?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50We need to sort this out. We need a plan.
0:06:50 > 0:06:57So, we adjourned to the Top Gear office to plan our Interceptor tribute show.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02- Why don't we just make the title sequence?- Mmm. - Title sequence is a good idea because
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- that tells the whole story. It sums up the atmosphere and the setting.- Exactly.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10They're always very short and they often end with a freeze.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Exactly. And everyone turns like that.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15There's always somebody doing karate chops on people.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- No, there's always a karate chop, shooting, car chase.- Explosion.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20There was never any blood.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- No.- People were shot extensively.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Very close. - Very close, and they never bled.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30- If anything ever has a button on it or a light, they're massive.- Girls.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Do you remember that bit in The Persuaders?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Roger Moore, Tony Curtis, walking along, girl in
0:07:35 > 0:07:39a bikini walks between them for no obvious reason and they both go...
0:07:40 > 0:07:43The good thing about a karate chop is there's no blood.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46you wouldn't need blood. The whole shooting and no blood.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Karate chop, no blood, you fall over. - There is karate.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- You can do a karate chop. - It's just there always was.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- You get out of the car, karate. - There was a karate specialist.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57You could be a karate specialist.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- Yeah.- Well, let's get out there and make a title sequence.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- Did you kick that girl in the crotch?- Yes, I did.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17It was actually in her crotch? You could edit that out.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Can I just ask...?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- Can I just ask, why don't we make that every week?- Yes, I know.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- I want to be a karate expert. - I want an Interceptor.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- I want a moustache. - Well, there you go.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35- Who here would like us to stop making this rubbish and make that instead?- Yes!
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Because think of the snogging!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41And I tell you what, I know the girl we could have.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Wendi Murdoch! Blam!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Apparently, according to one newspaper, so must be true, she growled when she hit him. Oh!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- LAUGHTER - Hammond likes a fighty girl.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Anyway, before we do the news properly, there's something I need to explain.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Very, very keen viewers may have noticed that this
0:09:59 > 0:10:03hour long programme, is sometimes 62 or even 63 minutes long.
0:10:03 > 0:10:09But this week BBC Two have told us it must be 59 minutes, no ifs or buts, on the nose.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12In fact, all the programmes on BBC Two tonight must be exactly to
0:10:12 > 0:10:17length because they're going at 10.00pm live to the MotoGP race.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- Yes. - I'm not interested in bike racing.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Just because you're not interested
0:10:21 > 0:10:26doesn't mean that the BBC should deny all the people who are the opportunity of seeing it.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Bike racing only works on YouTube.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- What?- Well, you just see the crashes and then...- Oh, don't be sick!
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Hands up if you want to see bike racing? Two...
0:10:36 > 0:10:41So, about 8% of the population want me to get a move on.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Yes, they do, so we're going to press on and start with the news.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49And we start with news you may have heard of this week, a new flying car has been announced.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51It costs £150,000. Here's a shot of it in the air.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55That's what it looks like as an aeroplane. And here's a shot of it on the ground.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59It's just a crumpled aeroplane, isn't it? It just comes pre crashed.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02There's an even bigger problem I've thought of.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Everybody knows, James, you do have a light aircraft,
0:11:05 > 0:11:10- and before you take off you have to do pre-flight checks. - Well, a few, yeah.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- What are they?- Eh?!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14You have to check the fuel...
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Why do you check the fuel?
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- So it hasn't got water in it. - How would water get into the fuel?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Oh, we haven't got time for this! - No, I'm very interested.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- We haven't got time for this. - It's only bike racing.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Tell me more about your pre-flight checks.- No, just... - You know what?
0:11:28 > 0:11:34Even I would rather watch bike racing than listen to James talk about his pre-flight checks.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- So get on.- I will. Now, there's a company in America called SSC
0:11:37 > 0:11:40and they brought out a car called the Aero, which,
0:11:40 > 0:11:45for a time, was the fastest car in the world, verified by Guinness. Faster than the Bugatti Veyron.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47They've come up with another new car.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51I've got a picture of it here. We have no details at all, but we do know its name.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56It's called the Twatawahfur.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00That's interesting. Is this going to be a rival for the new Pagani Huhurrua?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02What?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05The replacement for the Zonda, it's called that Hurh...
0:12:05 > 0:12:10- Hurraher.- It's spelt H-U-A-Y-R-A. The Hurh...
0:12:10 > 0:12:15Huayra. So, you've got a choice now, if you're a wealthy person, between the Twatawahurrr,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17or the Hurwarrrrrrrr.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22So, are car makers now naming their cars after the noises people make when they're punched in the stomach?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25The Lamborghini Blurgha!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Mini recently announced a new car.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33It's called The Mini Inspired By Goodwood.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Stupid name, stupid price. £41,000.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- For a Mini?- For a Mini.
0:12:39 > 0:12:4241 grand. However, Aston has now gone one better, OK?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45We've got this new car, it's called the Cygnet and Colette
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- and that's £43,000.- Eh?!
0:12:49 > 0:12:5043 grand for that!
0:12:50 > 0:12:54And we should point out that that is a Toyota iQ.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Yes, it starts out as an 11 grand Toyota.
0:12:56 > 0:13:02Aston Martin take the Toyota badges off, put Aston Martin ones on, the price goes up to 31,000.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05They've now added the Colette badges, 43 grand.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08So, what do you get for that extra 12 grand on top?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11You need to look inside. Here they are, two cushions.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Wait a minute. What is the Cygnet AND Colette?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20It sounds like a lap dancing duo from Leeds.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23An ice skating duo, Cygnet and Colette.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27No, to be honest, we know that the Cygnet part is an Aston Martin Cygnet.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28It's the Colette thing.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31What is Colette? It sounds like a feminine hygiene product.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Argh!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- What?- I made a mistake. - Did you?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You get more than just the cushions.
0:13:39 > 0:13:45I do apologise. You also get quilted sun visors, some biscuits.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I'm just quoting what you get.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52"A guide to Paris, a plastic camera, an empty bottle
0:13:52 > 0:13:57"and four compilation CDs featuring bands such as The Morning Benders."
0:13:57 > 0:13:58LAUGHTER
0:13:58 > 0:14:02So, basically they're selling you a small Toyota full of clutter.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Oh, now, the most important thing, obviously.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09A couple of weeks ago I showed you all a bird deposit
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- on my Range Rover. You may remember.- Yes.
0:14:11 > 0:14:17And I invited viewers to send in pictures of bird dirt on their car that was more substantial.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- We've had some, I admit. - Oh, yeah.- Here's one from Africa.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25- I think we know who did it! - This is a marabou stork.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27God's cruellest joke, this bird.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30wWe haven't really got time for one of your bird lectures.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34You're getting it because this is more interesting than bike racing.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37God knew that bird would live in Africa when he gave it bald legs.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Now, I'm sorry, but that's a bit unkind.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43So, its legs get hot and sunburnt and the only way it can cool them down,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46and I'm not making this up, is to wee on them constantly.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- Yeah, but, Jeremy... - So it wees on its legs.- Car show.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51We're a car show.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55A giant stork that wees on its knees is not strictly our kind of deal.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58It is if it's standing on a Mitsubishi Lancer.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- No!- Which it is, so there's a car element to my story.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Anyway there's... What? - That's a Galant.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05What a cretin you are!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08That could well be a Galant. It's a Galant!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Remind me never to have him round for dinner.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21How did you know it was a Galant,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24you can only see the back of the television?
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Anyway, I've just humiliated myself and will now commit suicide.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- If I do that you'll be able to watch the bike racing. - Yes, we will.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35So, I won't, I shall keep going with another bird dirt picture.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Now, I don't think a bird did that.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42I think that was a man and I think, if that's your car, you should report him to the police.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Not that you can because, of course, they've all resigned. But, anyway...
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- And that's the end of the news. - It isn't, actually.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- It is.- It isn't.- It is. I'm not going to waste time arguing. Move on!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I will move it on because I want to talk about sport.
0:15:56 > 0:16:01You see, anyone can kick a football around and get an idea of what it would be like to be David Beckham.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Anybody can pick up a golf bat and get an idea of what it would like to be a Freemason.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10- Let's get on with your point.- If you want to drive a Formula One car you have to be a Formula One driver.
0:16:10 > 0:16:16An ordinary mortal can't just go into a Formula One factory and buy one, except now you can.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34This is the new Lotus T125.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39And straight away, an anorak would say, "that's not a Formula One car."
0:16:39 > 0:16:42And that's right.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43It isn't.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48But it does come with a Cosworth V8, a sequential gearbox,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51full downforce, a complicated steering wheel,
0:16:51 > 0:16:56a hand-operated clutch and all the other F1 trimmings as well.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59For instance, included in the price is Geoff,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01who is a fitness instructor.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Alfonso, who will cook for you and your friends,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08and a team of mechanics who will accompany you
0:17:08 > 0:17:11and your car to any race track in the world.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14You also get a truck which is fitted with all the things you need,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16including a Jean Alesi...
0:17:19 > 0:17:20So let's just get this straight.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24If I buy one of these cars, I get you,
0:17:24 > 0:17:28a former Ferrari Formula One driver, to teach me how to drive it?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30It is like that.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33The only problem is that it is single seat.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- When you are in, you are alone. - Well, exactly.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39You will have to follow my instruction.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Jean's first job was to get me comfortable in the car.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47The position is extremely important, because it is where you will
0:17:47 > 0:17:52have the feeling and the feedback from what is happening.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Erm.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- Now, you see... - No, that is not the correct position.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02- Well, it is the position that I... that's it.- It's my seat.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Because I was so...generously proportioned,
0:18:05 > 0:18:10the only option was to remove the seat altogether.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- OK...- Well, I'm in.- Yeah. - But I am sitting on the floor.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17- OK, but now, with the foam, we will feel...- With the foam?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- A special foam.- It's like being taught by Inspector Clouseau, this.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Is there going to be a "minkey" coming in a minute?
0:18:23 > 0:18:29No, we have a special foam, and you will really feel at home.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32The foam fitting was rather disturbing.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Why... what are you doing? You're in my actual anus.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39That was my actual anus that you put your hand in.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It is a part of the programme!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Things that just happened that I didn't think would happen today -
0:18:46 > 0:18:52Jean Alesi, who I used to hero-worship, is playing with my genitals.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- And Jean.- Yeah?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Compared to the Formula One cars of, I don't know, pick a period.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- '90s? Is this as fast as that? - I would say '90s, yes.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03A lot faster.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06This is faster than a '90s Formula One car?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Yes, because you have a lot more downforce.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12We have a floor which guarantees 60% of the downforce.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- Really? So, it's got more downforce than even today's Formula One cars? - Definitely, yes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:22- In terms of power, obviously it's down?- We have 640 horsepower.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Which is really enough for 600 kilo.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35Soon, I was ready for my first ever taste of Formula One.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37ENGINE REVS
0:19:40 > 0:19:41ENGINE STALLS
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Oh... No!
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Erm...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Holy cow! Oh!
0:19:58 > 0:20:04That's acceleration, and I'm not even going fully down on the throttle.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09It's just terrifying. Oh, I can't turn the wheel!
0:20:09 > 0:20:14My legs are in the way! God, this is quite horrible!
0:20:15 > 0:20:20Unlike a Formula One car, which will rev to 17 or 18,000...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Ow!
0:20:23 > 0:20:28..this is limited to just 10,500, and I'm glad about that!
0:20:31 > 0:20:37I've lost all the temperature out of the tyres. Oh, I don't like this.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40No, no, no. No, I don't want this.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Thank you. I've driven a car that's got this much power before,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50and I've driven a car on slicks before,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53and I drove a car that weighs as little as this before,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56but I've never driven a car that has all of those things.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Together. HE SIGHS
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Nicer. HE LAUGHS
0:21:02 > 0:21:05It wasn't nice. It had been terrifying.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11And to explain why, I switched to my own car.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16My mind tells me that it's OK to turn into the follow-through,
0:21:16 > 0:21:20which is coming up now, at 90 miles an hour.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27The thing is, in the Lotus, I have to tell my mind,
0:21:27 > 0:21:33it's OK to go through that corner at 160 miles an hour.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41And what's more, if I tried to do it in the Lotus at 90,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45there won't be enough air going over the wings, so there won't be much
0:21:45 > 0:21:48downforce, and the tyres will be cold, so there won't be much grip.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54If I do it at the speed my mind says is safe, I will crash,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57and I will be killed.
0:21:57 > 0:22:04To stay alive, I have to go faster than my mind thinks is possible.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Then, there's the question of braking.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12If I want to slow down enough at the hammerhead which is down there,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15in this car which has enormous, ventilated discs, I would
0:22:15 > 0:22:22have to start braking at this point, 140 metres from the corner.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26But what if you braked the Lotus at this point?
0:22:33 > 0:22:38So, he's come to a dead stop, never mind slowing-down enough,
0:22:38 > 0:22:4160 yards from the corner.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43So, what that means is,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46when I'm driving the Lotus, I have to come past here,
0:22:46 > 0:22:53with my foot buried in the loud pedal, still going like hell here,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56still not braking, still not even thinking of braking
0:22:56 > 0:22:58at this point, not here,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01that would be stupid, I would look like an idiot.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05My mind is now SCREAMING at me, stop! Stop!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08You're going to be killed, but I'm still accelerating.
0:23:08 > 0:23:14And when I get to about here, then I'll brake.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17And I don't think I've got the balls for that.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25To spur me on, I unchained the Stig.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Unlike me, this is a man that drives as fast as a car will go,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34not as fast as he thinks he can go.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39And what he's doing now is setting a lap time on our short circuit
0:23:39 > 0:23:44in V8 powered Ariel Atom, the fastest road car we've ever tested.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50He did it in 36.2 seconds.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56So, can a fat, frightened 51-year-old man
0:23:56 > 0:24:01overcome the limitations of his own mind and beat that time?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- Wish me luck, everybody. - ENGINE STOPS
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Oh, bloody hell!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Going a bit too hard through there!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I've got to get used to these brakes!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19They just feel useless
0:24:19 > 0:24:23until you stand on them! It's all over the place!
0:24:23 > 0:24:27I am literally all over the place here!
0:24:27 > 0:24:32- 37.9, Jeremy. - 37.9 seconds was my last lap!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37The whole thing is jumping about like a wild animal!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Come on, Jeremy! Yes!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Oh, Jesus, no!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Ballsed it up.- 37.7.
0:24:48 > 0:24:5337.7. Oh, no!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Oh, for crying out bloody loud!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Clearly it was time for another chat with Yoda.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05Gears for the corners, Hammerhead, second?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- Second, for the first one, for the left. And first for the right. - First for the right?!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Yes, because otherwise, the car is pushing down,
0:25:12 > 0:25:18- so you use the engine braking to make the back slide a little bit.- Yep.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- Then, you keep the 6th for the fast corner.- 6th gear?- Keep the 6th.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26- Then, second gear.- For the Chicago. Through the tyres.- Yes.- Yes.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28And then...
0:25:29 > 0:25:33With the noise curfew on our track fast approaching,
0:25:33 > 0:25:36this was my last chance to beat 36.2 seconds.
0:25:37 > 0:25:4220 minutes. 20 minutes to try and beat that time.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Come on, now, come on! Come on! Come on!
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Yes, finally, I have got the Chicago worked out.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Come on!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Feeling cramp in my hands!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- 37.5, Jeremy.- 37.5!
0:26:12 > 0:26:19Oh, that's braking! And the neck! My neck is absolutely destroyed!
0:26:21 > 0:26:25- That's 37 dead.- 37. Come on!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Ow, my head!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Come on! Come on! Come on!
0:26:40 > 0:26:45- 35.8.- Yes! Yes! Yes!
0:26:45 > 0:26:4935.8! 35.8!
0:26:49 > 0:26:54Eat that, Stig! Yes, yes, yes!
0:26:56 > 0:27:02I'm a Formula One driver! Yes! Yes!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07APPLAUSE
0:27:07 > 0:27:09- Well done.- Thank you.- Well done. - And I looked good.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14- I looked good in that suit. - I am slightly.- What?- No, well done.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18It was good. But I'm slightly confused by this.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21So, if you buy one of these, you don't actually race it.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24No, what you do is, you hire a track, you ring Lotus,
0:27:24 > 0:27:28they bring your car to the track with the mechanics, the chef, all the things
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I talked about there, and you drive it around
0:27:31 > 0:27:33until your neck hurts and then you go home.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- How much does all this cost? - £650,000.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39You see, that is quite a lot. Is it worth it?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Well, if you're one of the Scottish people
0:27:41 > 0:27:45that won the Euro lottery millions, then, you know, it's probably worth it.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47I mean, you'd have to lose a few pounds.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- LAUGHING AND GROANING - I don't mean that cruelly.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54I genuinely don't mean that cruelly, and anyway,
0:27:54 > 0:27:59people in glass houses. But, the fact is, it's agony. It really is.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03I was going around Chicago, yet my head is just really, like it's being pulled off,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06and you know you can't accelerate to go round to the Hammerhead,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- until you get your head upright and rested on the air box.- I know,
0:28:09 > 0:28:14because when I drove that F1 car on the show a few years ago,
0:28:14 > 0:28:18I could not believe how fast you had to go to make the thing work.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21That car that you drove, came round here with the Stig at the wheel,
0:28:21 > 0:28:26did a lap in 59 seconds, now we were very keen to find out
0:28:26 > 0:28:29if this would go faster, so we brought it here and you won't believe this,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32in the middle of July in a British summer, it was raining!
0:28:32 > 0:28:36And in a show where we're already tight for a time,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39there is no point entering a wet lap in this, what with that tell us?
0:28:39 > 0:28:42So we'll get it back on a dry day and report back on how it does.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46Now, it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Now, my guest tonight has long, straggly hair
0:28:49 > 0:28:54and an incredible ability to heal the sick and feed the hungry.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Ladies and gentlemen, Jesus...
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- it's Bob Geldof! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- How are you?- Have a seat. Sir Bob!
0:29:10 > 0:29:12- Great to have you here.- Thank you.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15You've topped what used to be called the hit parade,
0:29:15 > 0:29:20you fed the world, but what a lot of people don't know, is that you built the M25.
0:29:20 > 0:29:25I built the M23 and M25, Jeremy.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27I didn't know you built the road to Gatwick.
0:29:27 > 0:29:32If you know the Merstham interchange where you come off the 23
0:29:32 > 0:29:36onto the 25, that is more or less were I had my road digging career.
0:29:36 > 0:29:43And that is Geldof Corner. I know you've got Gambon Corner, which I'm sure we'll see later.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47Geldof corner is there, hence the tailbacks for miles on the M25.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51It's one of the best corners on the motorway network.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53- And you built that!- I built that.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Long before I could drive a car, they gave me the chance
0:29:56 > 0:30:02to drive these immense machines which I think, it was 11 forward gears and six reverses.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Two engines. You've got two throttles,
0:30:05 > 0:30:08you've got to sit like this with both feet on the throttles,
0:30:08 > 0:30:11and a big bucket in the middle, which you drop.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14- And is it hard?- It's hard. I was crap. Yes.
0:30:14 > 0:30:19- LAUGHTER - And so you ran over a herd of cattle.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23I ran over practically the same thing, a guy from the county council.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25On the haul roads, as they're called,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28there are no other vehicles allowed.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31And the county council guy was nosing around there for some reason.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34I came around the bend, and here he was in his Renault 4L,
0:30:34 > 0:30:39and he just saw this huge thing and this 18-year-old without
0:30:39 > 0:30:41a driving licence coming down the track.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45And I slammed on the brakes
0:30:45 > 0:30:50and these huge tyres just rolled over the front of the Renault,
0:30:50 > 0:30:55the bonnet, and I saw the windscreen pull away from the top
0:30:55 > 0:30:58and just flatten the engine and he was just like this.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00I don't know what was happening in his pants,
0:31:00 > 0:31:02but I saw his face
0:31:02 > 0:31:05and I thought he was dead, I thought I'd killed him.
0:31:05 > 0:31:12He got out. The foreman came gunning up on his Land Rover and just, I thought I was gone.
0:31:12 > 0:31:17I was just on the way out, and he was just SCREAMING at this guy who got fired.
0:31:17 > 0:31:22- The council official got fired? - Yes.- Well, that saved the council a few bob!
0:31:22 > 0:31:24I read in your road building career
0:31:24 > 0:31:27that your nick name on the site was Dublin.
0:31:27 > 0:31:28Yes.
0:31:28 > 0:31:33Wouldn't that apply to absolutely everyone, also working on the site?!
0:31:33 > 0:31:38- No.- Hey, Dublin! 5,000 people! "What?!"
0:31:38 > 0:31:41No, because there were two crowds, essentially,
0:31:41 > 0:31:45building the roads, certainly with this construction company,
0:31:45 > 0:31:48there was a West Country crowd and there were as an Irish crowd.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51It was like, I landed in India, not that long back,
0:31:51 > 0:31:55on an Air India flight, and there were three other Air India flights,
0:31:55 > 0:31:57and this is in India, and there was a man at the barriers
0:31:57 > 0:32:01with a sign saying, Mr Patel, and I thought, that's not going to work.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08It's the same as Dublin on this site. What sort of driver are you?
0:32:08 > 0:32:09Not good. Really, I'm not.
0:32:09 > 0:32:15I've got a Previa, because I had 600 children. And, you know...
0:32:15 > 0:32:18- And 900 names between them.- Yes. And all excellent.
0:32:18 > 0:32:22And, you know, it's just, a superb thing.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24You're up high.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27You go like this and the wheel turns.
0:32:27 > 0:32:31You've just got endless amount of power in the thing.
0:32:31 > 0:32:36There isn't an endless amount of power in a Toyota Previa.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38- It's a horrible car. - No, it's not, it's really not.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41I'm Mr Big on Toyota.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44I've got a Lexus, so I don't pay the congestion charge.
0:32:44 > 0:32:50- Oh, the hybrid one. - And also, Jeremy, I think you should start now becoming a little
0:32:50 > 0:32:54more environmentally aware. You know.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58I am very aware of the environment
0:32:58 > 0:33:01and I'm still not interested in it.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05- You're a businessman now. - Sometimes.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08And you've got a lot of TV production companies.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11So, how much time do you have left for music?
0:33:11 > 0:33:16As most of the time, I do music, so there's still a lot of
0:33:16 > 0:33:20the time spent on the Africa stuff, business stuff, music
0:33:20 > 0:33:23and the family, but the only thing I like doing, being specific,
0:33:23 > 0:33:26- the only thing that I like doing is music.- Really?
0:33:26 > 0:33:31- You're touring, soon, aren't you? - Yes. September and November here.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35- So, North and South.- Because you had the album out, what...?
0:33:35 > 0:33:36Three months ago.
0:33:36 > 0:33:41- Which was Bob Geldof age, it's actually, what was it, 58 and three quarters?- 58 and a half.
0:33:41 > 0:33:45I was going to call it that, and then I saw a book called
0:33:45 > 0:33:49How To Compose Popular Songs That Will Sell and I thought, that was more ironic.
0:33:49 > 0:33:50It's a good title.
0:33:50 > 0:33:54It doesn't fit on iTunes very easily, how to, oh, there we go.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58- You released that three months ago. - You know how to use iTunes?!- I do!
0:33:58 > 0:34:02- What do you listen to in the car? - What do I listen to?
0:34:02 > 0:34:06- Rat Trap, I Don't Like Mondays. - Classics.
0:34:06 > 0:34:11- Classics from the late '70s. - Yes.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14- I presume you've got an iPhone thing.- No, I don't have that.
0:34:14 > 0:34:19We spent about two hours before this extolling the virtues of the Nokia 6310.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23- Does anyone remember the 6310?- Yeah. - Five days without a charge.
0:34:23 > 0:34:28Well, that's how long I do, because I've got no friends, so nobody rings me up.
0:34:28 > 0:34:33There's self-evident reasons. The jeans, being one.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36- At least I put socks on! - No, he came here.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39- Look, I'm wearing a sock!- But you don't have beautiful ankles.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43A beautiful turned ankle is something that I admire in somebody.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48Your lap, how did it go out there?
0:34:52 > 0:34:56I am so crap at this. You start off, and you're really nervous.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00I'm not a speed head, and then I start to enjoy it
0:35:00 > 0:35:04and be able to focus on what Stig told me. And I slowed down.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08- Who would like to see the lap?- Not me.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11Come on, let's have a look, let's see how it went.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SCREECH
0:35:16 > 0:35:18- Come on.- BLEEP.
0:35:18 > 0:35:23Already, we need the bleep machine there. Right, first corner.
0:35:23 > 0:35:28Where are we going? Nice, wide line, like the look of that.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33- Might be time to change gear. - So slow. Go, go.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36You've got to change up. Where are we going?
0:35:36 > 0:35:42Oh, wide, you see, that's too fast. That's skidding wide.
0:35:42 > 0:35:47Clarkson, Stig said it's raining now and the track is getting slippery,
0:35:47 > 0:35:51so, that's going to slow me down, so shut up, I'm not making excuses.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55Let's have a look at this torrential rain, yes,
0:35:55 > 0:35:59I can see what the state means. That's pouring down out there.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Wait, I don't mean pouring down, do I?
0:36:02 > 0:36:05It looks so slow yet feels so fast.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08No, that is just quite slow. Change gear!
0:36:08 > 0:36:14Take this extreme bend at full throttle, which is frightening.
0:36:14 > 0:36:20- Oh, I say, that's good.- Your instinct tells you to slow down.
0:36:22 > 0:36:27- Ooh! You managed to stay off the bumpy bit, there.- This is the worst.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31- Gambon corner.- 0h, it is the worst. Absolutely awful. This is Gambon.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33And you're...a little bit too slow.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36Didn't use all of the road, but never-the-less,
0:36:36 > 0:36:38across the line!
0:36:38 > 0:36:41APPLAUSE
0:36:43 > 0:36:46- Last.- Where do we think?
0:36:46 > 0:36:51- Third last.- Third last?- Yeah.
0:36:51 > 0:36:56- What, Louie Spence speed? - Yeah.- 1.53... No, that was wet. Yours was dry.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59These are all wet. You need to be looking above them.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03I know they are as people, but with regards to...
0:37:03 > 0:37:07- So, anyway, Bob Geldof. - Don't say and I'll watch it at home.
0:37:07 > 0:37:13- I'm embarrassed. Seriously. It was rubbish. - You did it...- Look at him!
0:37:13 > 0:37:16You did it in two minutes...
0:37:18 > 0:37:24- I'm joking.- I fully expect that.
0:37:24 > 0:37:29He was going, "Mmmm? Mmmm, really?" One minute 40...
0:37:29 > 0:37:31eight
0:37:31 > 0:37:36point one. I don't think that is...
0:37:36 > 0:37:38APPLAUSE
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Faster than Jeff Goldblum!
0:37:42 > 0:37:46Oh, God. Average at everything!
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Well, not really. I was just thinking, you're - what are you,
0:37:49 > 0:37:52- a Knight of the British Empire? - Mmm-hmm.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56- You were nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.- Mmm-hmm.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59And now, you are the 14th fastest celebrity ever to go round
0:37:59 > 0:38:03- our track in a Kia Cee'd.- You could have walked faster than that.
0:38:05 > 0:38:10Hands up those that think you could do...who could be in the top ten if you did it.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Come on, hands up if you think...
0:38:12 > 0:38:14LAUGHTER
0:38:16 > 0:38:22- Thank you.- Ladies and gentlemen, liars, Bob Geldof!
0:38:22 > 0:38:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:24 > 0:38:28Well done. Thank you very much. Bob Geldof, everybody!
0:38:33 > 0:38:38- How are we doing for time? - No, we're all right. We're all right. Just press on.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40Now, the other day,
0:38:40 > 0:38:44we received a challenge from the world demolition champions.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47We're not actually making that up. There really is such a championship!
0:38:47 > 0:38:51There is, and they said to us that they reckon they could knock down
0:38:51 > 0:38:53a row of houses faster than we could.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56So we were prepared to accept this challenge,
0:38:56 > 0:38:59but first, we thought we'd do a bit of practice.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02So we got in touch with our old friends in the Albanian Mafia
0:39:02 > 0:39:06and asked them if they had anything that needed knocking down.
0:39:06 > 0:39:07Luckily, they said, "Yes!
0:39:07 > 0:39:10"There's a man who annoyed us very much indeed and it would be
0:39:10 > 0:39:14"an enormous help if you would come over and smash his house to bits."
0:39:14 > 0:39:15So, we did.
0:39:18 > 0:39:24This is the poor chap's house. This is where he had obviously tripped up.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28And these are the machines we'd be using.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32That there is a digger.
0:39:33 > 0:39:34That is a bulldozer.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38And that is a big crane with the pecky thing on the end of it.
0:39:38 > 0:39:43- Bagsy I have that, it's the biggest. - Bagsy I have the bulldozer. I'm having it.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45'With our choices carefully worked out,
0:39:45 > 0:39:47'Jeremy was keen to get cracking...'
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Come on! Go, go, go!
0:39:49 > 0:39:52'..but I thought it best we first examine the house.'
0:39:52 > 0:39:56This building is basically a steel-reinforced concrete frame -
0:39:56 > 0:39:59a series of uprights and then beams joining them together -
0:39:59 > 0:40:03and then all the gaps are filled in with these things, which are pot bricks.
0:40:03 > 0:40:08These are not structural. They're there simply to...
0:40:08 > 0:40:10< DRILLING
0:40:13 > 0:40:15OK...
0:40:15 > 0:40:20Ye-e-e-s! You are history!
0:40:20 > 0:40:23Oi! Not yet!
0:40:27 > 0:40:31'Throughout the rest of the day, there were some issues.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34'I, for example, was not that accurate with the digger.'
0:40:34 > 0:40:39Oh, no, no! Hang on, hang on.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43- CLUNK! - Oh, God!
0:40:43 > 0:40:46'Jeremy nearly caused a power cut.
0:40:49 > 0:40:53'And when Richard stopped off in town to buy some tea,
0:40:53 > 0:40:58'he got a bit confused with all his lorry's levers.'
0:40:58 > 0:41:04Do you do tea? English breakfast tea for workers.
0:41:08 > 0:41:12'But the biggest problem we had was the house itself.'
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Come on!
0:41:19 > 0:41:23- May?- What?- It won't fall down. You try.
0:41:23 > 0:41:28'If I'm honest, that wasn't a great suggestion.
0:41:33 > 0:41:37'Everything else we tried failed as well.'
0:41:37 > 0:41:39Back! Give it some welly.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43THUD!
0:41:43 > 0:41:45JEREMY SIGHS
0:41:47 > 0:41:51'In fact, by the time Hammond got back from clearing up his mess,
0:41:51 > 0:41:55'it was almost dark and the house was still pretty much intact.'
0:41:59 > 0:42:02APPLAUSE
0:42:05 > 0:42:08Baffling. Absolutely baffling.
0:42:09 > 0:42:13Clearly, clearly, it wasn't our fault that the house was still standing.
0:42:13 > 0:42:16No, which left us with two possibilities.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19Either Albanian houses are built superbly well,
0:42:19 > 0:42:24which seems unlikely, or those diggery things and the pecky thing,
0:42:24 > 0:42:27that equipment was no good.
0:42:27 > 0:42:31We very quickly concluded that it was the equipment that was no good.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33So for our challenge with the experts,
0:42:33 > 0:42:36we decided to use military equipment.
0:42:39 > 0:42:43This is the Witham Army Disposal Yard in Lincolnshire.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45It's a giant toy cupboard.
0:42:49 > 0:42:53And everything you see here is for sale.
0:42:54 > 0:43:00- Can we use this to demolish the house?- No, you can't use any weapons. Just the vehicle.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03Hammond, the driving position has got you in mind in a Scorpion.
0:43:03 > 0:43:08- Is that what this is? - Yeah. £30,000. That's what it costs.
0:43:08 > 0:43:13Already, I'm seeing buildings just fall down of their own free will.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16- Didn't James Blunt use one of these in Kosovo?- It's got peddles!
0:43:16 > 0:43:18I thought he had a guitar.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21- It's the Stormer. - Yeah, the Stormer.
0:43:21 > 0:43:27- Come on.- 20 grand, maximum.- Stormer! That's a good name.- £20,000.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29So this, or a Ford Focus.
0:43:29 > 0:43:35Inside, there was more. And soon, Hammond started to lose focus.
0:43:35 > 0:43:39This is your absolutely bog standard British Army Land Rover,
0:43:39 > 0:43:45cupboard for either, like, you know, parking ticket money or bullets.
0:43:45 > 0:43:52- Oh, he's found a Land Rover. - 94,000 gentle miles. In a war zone.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55Richard...not really what we're looking for.
0:43:55 > 0:43:59- Please don't look at Land Rovers. - OK.
0:43:59 > 0:44:02That's the fuselage of a Harrier.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04These are fantastic.
0:44:04 > 0:44:07Oh, no. Oh, my God.
0:44:07 > 0:44:09Come on, chaps. Yeah, there's nothing else to see in here.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11HAMMOND SQUEALS
0:44:11 > 0:44:16- Oh, my...- Bloody hell.- OH! - Hammond's found the helicopters.
0:44:16 > 0:44:21- Gazelles.- Hey!- Oh!- Well, that's it. That's my life over.
0:44:21 > 0:44:26'With both my colleagues now otherwise engaged, I went off on my own
0:44:26 > 0:44:32'to find a vehicle that might be suitable for our demolition project.'
0:44:34 > 0:44:38Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Saxon.
0:44:38 > 0:44:42It has an eight-litre, six-cylinder diesel engine.
0:44:42 > 0:44:43Top speed - 30 miles an hour.
0:44:43 > 0:44:48Or 60 if the tyres haven't been shot through.
0:44:50 > 0:44:54It has all the things you need - power steering, automatic gearbox,
0:44:54 > 0:44:58selectable four-wheel drive, grenade launchers.
0:45:00 > 0:45:03Side windscreen wipers. Oh, yes.
0:45:04 > 0:45:08'James, meanwhile, had decided that a Willys Jeep would be ideal.
0:45:08 > 0:45:12'Although he was finding it quite difficult to explain why.'
0:45:13 > 0:45:16RATTLING
0:45:16 > 0:45:18Argh! Oh! Argh!
0:45:18 > 0:45:20ARGH!
0:45:20 > 0:45:22Argh! Argh!
0:45:23 > 0:45:29The problem is that while you could drive this through a hail of petrol bombs
0:45:29 > 0:45:32and small arms fire and you'd be fine,
0:45:32 > 0:45:35I'm not sure you could drive it through a building.
0:45:35 > 0:45:37Oh, Hammond!
0:45:37 > 0:45:40HAMMOND LAUGHS
0:45:41 > 0:45:44This is a 1977 Westland Gazelle helicopter.
0:45:45 > 0:45:49One of the fastest helicopters built.
0:45:49 > 0:45:51Top speed - 193 miles an hour.
0:45:51 > 0:45:57Ha-ha! We've got to get us one of these. We need one of these.
0:45:59 > 0:46:03Eventually, I nailed some sense into my colleagues and we all selected
0:46:03 > 0:46:07the vehicles we'd be using for the demolition challenge.
0:46:07 > 0:46:10This is a 434 Armoured Recovery Vehicle.
0:46:10 > 0:46:13I've gone for it in this spec because it's got a crane,
0:46:13 > 0:46:16which could be very useful to us.
0:46:16 > 0:46:19But if all else fails, it weighs 15 tonnes,
0:46:19 > 0:46:22so I could just use it as a sort of battering ram.
0:46:22 > 0:46:27As you would imagine, mine is much bigger than Hammond's. This is a CET -
0:46:27 > 0:46:31a Combat Engineering Tractor. And they're all very encouraging words.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34It has a bucket on the front and many other things besides.
0:46:34 > 0:46:39Unlike James's, mine is white. It's also absolutely excellent.
0:46:39 > 0:46:42The tiller on the front is used for mine clearance,
0:46:42 > 0:46:46but it can also be used for pulling down houses.
0:46:46 > 0:46:49In my mind. What?
0:46:49 > 0:46:52- Why is it white?- United Nations.- Ah!
0:46:52 > 0:46:55Yes, this very vehicle has just come back from the Middle East
0:46:55 > 0:46:59where it cleared 100 anti-tank mines.
0:46:59 > 0:47:02It's kind of focused on one thing, isn't it? Mine clearance.
0:47:02 > 0:47:06It is a mine clearing... You aren't clearing mines.
0:47:06 > 0:47:08We are knocking a house down.
0:47:08 > 0:47:10You've focused on one thing and we are not doing that thing.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13It's a very, very specialised piece of equipment.
0:47:13 > 0:47:17This... Incredibly specialised - the cab is on hydraulic rams.
0:47:17 > 0:47:20- Mmm.- It senses your weight, raises it to the correct height,
0:47:20 > 0:47:23so that if there's a blast underneath, you're cushioned from that blast.
0:47:23 > 0:47:28But it won't be, cos we're not clearing a minefield. We're knocking houses down.
0:47:28 > 0:47:31You wait till you see what happens to a house
0:47:31 > 0:47:34when it is presented with THIS moving at 400 rpm.
0:47:34 > 0:47:37If the house explodes, you'll be OK, but that's about it.
0:47:37 > 0:47:41- It just goes around doing this... - It's like a mechanical cat.
0:47:41 > 0:47:45- It's a military machine with some white paint on it. - It isn't military!
0:47:45 > 0:47:48It's for clearance and saving lives. Princess Diana had one of these.
0:47:48 > 0:47:51LAUGHTER
0:47:52 > 0:47:54The location for our demolition challenge was
0:47:54 > 0:47:58the Christian Fields housing estate in Kent.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01Each team would have to knock down six houses
0:48:01 > 0:48:03and the professionals rocked up on the day
0:48:03 > 0:48:06with a selection of conventional equipment
0:48:06 > 0:48:08that we knew would not work.
0:48:10 > 0:48:15As a result, they would be humiliated by Team Top Gear.
0:48:15 > 0:48:18MILITARY MUSIC
0:48:26 > 0:48:28HE HUMS
0:48:32 > 0:48:34What a machine this is.
0:48:35 > 0:48:371,300 RPM.
0:48:37 > 0:48:40I'm doing very nearly the top speed of six.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44'The other machines were considerably faster,
0:48:44 > 0:48:47'so in order not to keep the chaps waiting,
0:48:47 > 0:48:50'I decided to take a shortcut.'
0:48:50 > 0:48:54I think he thought, "The things on the front go round and smash everything.
0:48:54 > 0:48:55"I work for the United Nations."
0:48:55 > 0:48:58- He failed to work out it'll be the slowest.. - BANGING
0:48:58 > 0:49:00You don't suppose by any chance that...
0:49:00 > 0:49:02CRASHING
0:49:04 > 0:49:07Ladies and gentlemen, Jeremy Clarkson, sometimes known
0:49:07 > 0:49:12- as the silver-tongued cavalier of the Cotswolds. - I hope that was...to come down.
0:49:12 > 0:49:17'Before starting, the professionals had a pre-demolition briefing.'
0:49:17 > 0:49:23All the works today are going to be carried out under BSEN 6187 demolition code of practice.
0:49:23 > 0:49:26Richard, can you hand out the method statements to all the guys
0:49:26 > 0:49:29- and the risk assessments?- Yup.
0:49:29 > 0:49:33'Mostly, they talked about health and safety, so we thought we should, too.'
0:49:33 > 0:49:36- Don't have an accident. - Don't have an accident.
0:49:36 > 0:49:39If you DO have an accident, remember it was an accident.
0:49:39 > 0:49:43'Briefing over, we got on with discussing the job.'
0:49:43 > 0:49:46- Why don't you do those, James?- OK.
0:49:46 > 0:49:51Hammond, you do the cream ones, and I'll do this lot. That make sense?
0:49:51 > 0:49:54- Two houses each then, effectively? - Effectively.
0:49:54 > 0:49:59'With all the complicated maths out of the way, it was time to begin.'
0:49:59 > 0:50:01KLAXON BLARES
0:50:10 > 0:50:14OK. Brace, Brace, brace. We're going in.
0:50:14 > 0:50:17Look at his... He's concentrating like mad.
0:50:17 > 0:50:19He looks like an orangutan when he concentrates.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24Firing up the rotors!
0:50:28 > 0:50:30Oh God!
0:50:30 > 0:50:32Ooh-hoo hoo-hoo-hoo!
0:50:32 > 0:50:34Woah!
0:50:34 > 0:50:35Ha-ha!
0:50:37 > 0:50:39Why didn't we have this in Albania!?
0:50:41 > 0:50:42Goodbye, lavatory!
0:50:44 > 0:50:45Bricks flying everywhere.
0:50:45 > 0:50:48This is bloody brilliant.
0:50:49 > 0:50:54Stop there, stop there! Jeremy, the roof's going to land on it.
0:50:54 > 0:50:59'This was no problem because my destroyer of worlds
0:50:59 > 0:51:01'had a special device for protecting the driver.'
0:51:02 > 0:51:08- Is that...a remote control for that? - Yes, it is!
0:51:08 > 0:51:11- You can drive the whole thing from there?- Yes.- From there?- Yes.
0:51:11 > 0:51:14- Do you know how to? - No. But how hard can it be?
0:51:14 > 0:51:16ENGINE STARTS
0:51:16 > 0:51:18- Woo-hoo-hoo. Look at that. - Oh, my God!
0:51:18 > 0:51:22- Now, stand back a bit. - Really? Do you think?- Good idea.
0:51:22 > 0:51:24Ooh. Argh, argh, argh!
0:51:27 > 0:51:31'At the other end of the estate, the professionals were working methodically.
0:51:31 > 0:51:33'First removing all the rooves.
0:51:33 > 0:51:38'And I thought I'd do the same thing with my army tank.'
0:51:40 > 0:51:44Mounted on the back of my 434 is a big harpoon. I'll fire that over
0:51:44 > 0:51:46with a cable attached, connect the cable up,
0:51:46 > 0:51:50drive this way, pull the roof off, get on with it.
0:51:50 > 0:51:53Live and, well, go.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00Brilliant.
0:52:00 > 0:52:01Let's begin.
0:52:03 > 0:52:07The grappling hook will catch on the roof. That's it. It's caught it now.
0:52:07 > 0:52:09Yeah. Here it comes. Pulling the roof off.
0:52:13 > 0:52:14Let's have a look.
0:52:16 > 0:52:17It's not off.
0:52:17 > 0:52:22'On the plus side, though, the house now had another upstairs lavatory.'
0:52:25 > 0:52:27Why have you pulled a portaloo over a building?
0:52:28 > 0:52:32- It was supposed to pull the roof off. - This isn't demolition, this is just stupid.
0:52:35 > 0:52:40- Yahoo!- 'Whilst Hammond persevered with his idiotic roof-removal system,
0:52:40 > 0:52:43'James was busy drawing a diagram.'
0:52:43 > 0:52:47The four walls are pre-cast pieces of concrete
0:52:47 > 0:52:50and then in the middle we have this, which is the chimney breast.
0:52:50 > 0:52:53Then there are steel RSJs running across, like that.
0:52:53 > 0:52:59Everything else in between is just wooden floorboards. So, if we knock out that bit there,
0:52:59 > 0:53:04which is holding the house up, the roof and everything else will fall into a neat pile in the middle.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08'My plan involved pulling the chimney breast out, using
0:53:08 > 0:53:12'both my winch and the sheer power of my combat tractor.
0:53:12 > 0:53:15'But it was hard to concentrate with the orangutan around.'
0:53:17 > 0:53:19It's got a mind of its own.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23'Having got in everyone's way, he then started throwing
0:53:23 > 0:53:27'massive lumps of road over the houses and into the next street.'
0:53:34 > 0:53:37- What have you done? - I hit a water main!
0:53:37 > 0:53:39Well, you're an idiot.
0:53:42 > 0:53:47'As noon approached, our rivals were scything through their houses.
0:53:47 > 0:53:52'But now my ingenious cable solution would put us back in the running.'
0:53:52 > 0:53:53Here we go.
0:53:56 > 0:53:58Oh! Oh, it's so close.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04Yes. Yes! Ha-ha ha!
0:54:05 > 0:54:11'But despite this success, let's not forget we still had Jeremy on our side.'
0:54:17 > 0:54:19I've lost control completely now.
0:54:22 > 0:54:26'In the spirit of teamwork, I decided to clear up his rubbish
0:54:26 > 0:54:30'while Hammond set about finishing off my house.'
0:54:30 > 0:54:34I think I'll need to give this the beans. Let's not mess about here. In we go.
0:54:43 > 0:54:45Oh! The roof came open. I didn't expect that.
0:54:45 > 0:54:50Hammond, what's happened here, mate, is you are now the foundations of the house.
0:54:50 > 0:54:53Um, I think I might be a bit stuck.
0:54:53 > 0:54:55Hang on, Hammond. I'm coming.
0:54:57 > 0:54:59Where are you going?
0:54:59 > 0:55:03BANGING AND CRASHING
0:55:05 > 0:55:07Oh dear.
0:55:09 > 0:55:11That felt nasty. What happened then?
0:55:11 > 0:55:15James crashed into the corner of the house and now you've got a whole house on your head.
0:55:17 > 0:55:18ENGINE STARTS
0:55:18 > 0:55:19Engine running.
0:55:21 > 0:55:25'May then winched Hammond's tank out...
0:55:25 > 0:55:28'but Hammond himself was still trapped inside.
0:55:28 > 0:55:32'Happily, though, as I'd finally house-trained my machine...'
0:55:32 > 0:55:36Walkies. Yes! Good digger.
0:55:36 > 0:55:39'..I was able to mount a rescue.'
0:55:40 > 0:55:42BLEEP!
0:55:42 > 0:55:43Bad digger!
0:55:48 > 0:55:52Oh! I've scratched me tank. JEREMY LAUGHS
0:55:54 > 0:55:58'By now, the professionals had pulled out an enormous lead.
0:56:00 > 0:56:04'So, to try and catch up, I decided to dig even deeper
0:56:04 > 0:56:06'into the military toy box.'
0:56:06 > 0:56:10- Guys.- What...?- What on Earth is that?
0:56:10 > 0:56:12I put some explosives in the house.
0:56:12 > 0:56:15You might want to stand back.
0:56:15 > 0:56:18Because now I'm going to do... the long walk.
0:56:24 > 0:56:27Is that the suit or his piles that's making him walk like that?
0:56:30 > 0:56:34FIRE IN THE HOLE!
0:56:40 > 0:56:43You've only blown the bloody door off!
0:56:43 > 0:56:45'After that failure,
0:56:45 > 0:56:49'we decided just to use our machines as battering rams.'
0:56:49 > 0:56:51DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:56:51 > 0:56:53Come on. Let's just get this job done.
0:56:59 > 0:57:04Not going to use the rotavator. It's just TOO perilous.
0:57:07 > 0:57:11Bloody hell fire! Ha-ha!
0:57:11 > 0:57:12Argh!
0:57:12 > 0:57:14DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS
0:57:19 > 0:57:20Go on. In you go.
0:57:23 > 0:57:25ARGH!
0:57:25 > 0:57:28'Finally, we were really getting somewhere.'
0:57:28 > 0:57:30Attack!
0:57:30 > 0:57:32KLAXON BLARES
0:57:32 > 0:57:35Oh, my God!
0:57:35 > 0:57:39'The professionals had finished. They had knocked everything down.
0:57:39 > 0:57:43'Whereas we...sort of hadn't.'
0:57:44 > 0:57:48- Why don't we present them with a prize, OK...- Yeah...
0:57:48 > 0:57:53- ..standing just there?- Yes.- That's a good idea.- And then give them a really loud round of applause.
0:57:53 > 0:57:56- A thunderous, "WELL DONE, WELL DONE!" - And throw the thing over...
0:57:56 > 0:57:57APPLAUSE
0:57:57 > 0:58:02Well done. You beat us fair and square. Well done.
0:58:03 > 0:58:07Can we just point out something very important?
0:58:07 > 0:58:10- Well, as long as you're quick, bike race.- I know, I know, I know.
0:58:10 > 0:58:15- Now you're wasting time saying, "I know".- I know. I know. - Say it.- Listen...
0:58:15 > 0:58:19OK, you may have noticed during that whole sequence of knocking the houses down,
0:58:19 > 0:58:23not one of us was wearing a high-visibility jacket, a hard hat or substantial shoes
0:58:23 > 0:58:27- and I think I'm right in saying that none of us was killed. - LAUGHTER
0:58:27 > 0:58:30- And that is an excellent bombshell on which we could end, so...- No.
0:58:30 > 0:58:33No, no, no. I want to talk more about the machine.
0:58:33 > 0:58:37No, I said in the film that this very machine, in fact,
0:58:37 > 0:58:39had cleared 100 anti-tank mines. You're thinking,
0:58:39 > 0:58:41- "How does it survive?"- No.
0:58:41 > 0:58:46I'm going to explain anyway, OK? This is one of the blades as it comes out the factory, yeah?
0:58:46 > 0:58:49This one hit an anti-tank mine,
0:58:49 > 0:58:52a mine designed to blow up a tank,
0:58:52 > 0:58:56and that is the only damage that it did.
0:58:56 > 0:58:59This is an astonishing piece of British engineering, I think.
0:58:59 > 0:59:03- It is. We really must finish.- What are they going to do? Cut us o...?
0:59:03 > 0:59:05Oh, they have.
0:59:20 > 0:59:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:59:23 > 0:59:26E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk