0:00:11 > 0:00:16Tonight, Maserati brings some V8 thunder to our track,
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Mercedes brings some smoke
0:00:18 > 0:00:21and we wave goodbye to Saab.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:32Hello... Hello, everybody and good evening.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello and welcome - thank you so much.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36We begin...
0:00:36 > 0:00:39LOUD WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:41We begin with a letter - thank you, everybody.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44It's from a Swiss gentleman and it says,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47"Dear Si Appelli, Top Gear.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50"You're more than halfway through this series
0:00:50 > 0:00:53"and yet you still haven't raced a car
0:00:53 > 0:00:56"against something that isn't a car."
0:00:56 > 0:00:59He's right, we haven't - and we should!
0:01:04 > 0:01:10As with our off-road scooters last week, this race will take place in Wales.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And this is the rally car we'll be fielding -
0:01:13 > 0:01:16a Skoda Fabia Super 2000.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Last season, this car dominated the championship,
0:01:19 > 0:01:24winning seven of the 12 rallies and locking out the entire podium
0:01:24 > 0:01:26with a 1-2-3 on four of those occasions.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31But although the car is clearly no slouch, is it any kind of match
0:01:31 > 0:01:34for the non-car thing we've got lined up for today?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38In fact, if I were the car,
0:01:38 > 0:01:42I might possibly be weeing myself right now.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Because today, it will be taking on Yves Rossy,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49the world's first jet-powered flying man.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Yves, I have many questions.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Starting with, what exactly is this thing?
0:01:56 > 0:02:02That's a wing, and to push me in the air, four engines. It's very simple.
0:02:02 > 0:02:10- Four jets?- Yes. And you steer just with your moves of arms and legs...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- So you haven't got like, levers to control the...?- Nothing.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18The only thing is a little throttle that I have here.
0:02:18 > 0:02:25- That's the only thing that command. - Well, look, all the best.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Mm-hm.- I'll be on the ground.- Yeah!
0:02:28 > 0:02:32'And THAT brings us neatly to the actual driving of the car.'
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Now obviously, I could take the wheel of that thing myself
0:02:37 > 0:02:39and show that Swiss cuckoo clock some real talent,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42but under the Top Gear apprentice driver training scheme,
0:02:42 > 0:02:47I've agreed to let the guy behind me, Toni Gardemeister, cut his teeth on this one.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50To be fair, he's pretty good already.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Finnish rally champion.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56Many, many World Rally podiums to his name.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00But still keen to get some tips from me.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02So, let's see how this race will work.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10This is the course the car will be racing around.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Eight miles of prime Welsh rally stage.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19As the car sets off, Yves will climb to 8,000 feet in a helicopter,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22jump out, and then follow the course from above.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Now, Rocket Man can travel at a steady 120 miles an hour
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and we can't.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Well,- I- could, but I'm not sure yet about our novice driver.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Anyway, you might think because of his cruising speed, we don't stand a chance,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42but there's more to it than that. At the end of the race, Yves has to land,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44so he has to cut his engines, deploy his parachute
0:03:44 > 0:03:49and all sorts of technical rocket-man stuff has to happen.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51So, trust me, we're in with a shout here.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56'And also, we will be busy covering precious miles
0:03:56 > 0:04:00'whilst his chopper is still climbing to launch height.'
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Just relax, Toni, I'm here if you need me.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Obviously, Yves could cut a corner up there, but don't worry,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12we've thought of that - we've put a farmer out there
0:04:12 > 0:04:17with an air rifle with strict orders to shoot him down if he sees any infringement.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19That's FIA rules all sorted.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23As the chopper lifted, the flag dropped.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28We're off!
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Oh-hoh!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Oh, my God, he's quite confident.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Ye Gods!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Yeah, just as you are.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03We are absolutely monstering this course!
0:05:07 > 0:05:12We've got 265bhp down here. Toni is using, I'd say, all of them!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Yeah - whoaah!
0:05:15 > 0:05:20'However, as we passed the three-mile mark, Yves was ready to jump.'
0:05:32 > 0:05:35He's jumped!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Engines are good.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Well, he's dropped, I can't see him out of the car.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04'But somewhere up there, he was following our course
0:06:04 > 0:06:06'and closing the gap.'
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Aaargh!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Hello!- Just concentrate!- OK!
0:06:16 > 0:06:21As a new driver, you get giddy, you show off and it goes wrong. Oh...
0:06:28 > 0:06:35Up there, Yves is hitting speeds of 120, 150, 80 miles an hour.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38In just, well, a lycra suit a small crash helmet
0:06:38 > 0:06:41and a kitchen table on his back.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54How the hell did I get mixed up in this? I mean, I'm just baggage now.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59'Within seconds, Yves had caught up.'
0:07:03 > 0:07:05There he is, there he is!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09He's ahead of us, he is ahead.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Ow!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16'As Yves streaked into the lead,
0:07:16 > 0:07:20'we still had just under four miles to go.'
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Aaaaargh!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29In the air... Ooh-argh!
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Ye Gods.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Right, OK(!)
0:07:47 > 0:07:52'Up ahead, Yves's journey was, unfortunately, almost done.'
0:08:06 > 0:08:10There he is. There's his parachute.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17We've got to just take advantage
0:08:17 > 0:08:22while he's slowing through the air to land. We've got to give it everything we can.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30We've got about two minutes now. Absolutely...
0:08:30 > 0:08:33This is going to be so close!
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Oh, my God.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36There he is.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44He's behind the hill.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51He's behind the trees, I don't know, he's not down yet.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53We still have a chance here.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58This is it. Where is he? Where is he? Is he there?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Oh no! After all that!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
0:09:07 > 0:09:12Don't blame yourself. That's the main thing, man - don't blame yourself.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- You did a great job.- Thanks for the guiding.- I was there for you.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Thank you.- I'm going to sit here for a little bit now, just...
0:09:19 > 0:09:21You look a little bit dark now.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Yeah, do you know, I'm just going to sit here for a minute.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29BLEEP!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:37 > 0:09:42- Was that a bit scary?- Yes! Very. It's so fast.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46You said at one point, something was getting loose.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Yeah, me - my bowels, specifically! It was really scary.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53But what gets me about Yves, flying, is there must have been
0:09:53 > 0:09:58a first time he did that - you can't work up to being a jet-powered man.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00You can't start with propellers.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Oh, no! - So there must've been a first day.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05He woke up one day and thought, right, it's today.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I'm going to jump off a helicopter with a kitchen table strapped
0:10:08 > 0:10:13to my back and a couple of jets and I'm pretty confident I can fly.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Anyway, we must now do the news and we begin with this.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19What is the worst thing in the world?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Trying on trousers.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23He's right, actually. You're right.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27But the second worst thing in the world is when you're going on a journey somewhere
0:10:27 > 0:10:30and someone in the car says, "do you mind if we stop"
0:10:30 > 0:10:33for some reason - "look, there's an ancient monument".
0:10:33 > 0:10:37I don't want to look at that! I want to look at my friends who we haven't seen for five years.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40You're absolutely right. There are some people
0:10:40 > 0:10:44who stop on a journey at a motorway services to play a fruit machine.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Those people who say, "I need to stretch my legs".
0:10:47 > 0:10:51If you're Alec Guinness and you've been in a box in a Japanese prison for six months, yes,
0:10:51 > 0:10:55you need to stretch your legs, but after 30 miles in a car, you don't.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58It's when people say they need to stop to eat. Why?
0:10:58 > 0:11:02I can't imagine a journey long enough that means YOU will need refuelling.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- Well, if you were driving from Cairo to Khartoum... - Yes, but not in Britain.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11If you're going from Leicester to Birmingham, you don't need food. You won't starve in that time.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14No, and I'm glad you brought this up because this is where I'm going, OK?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17One place I could never understand why people stopped at
0:11:17 > 0:11:21was Little Chef, because what they did was they took ingredients
0:11:21 > 0:11:24and then ruined them.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I once stopped at a Little Chef very early in the morning
0:11:27 > 0:11:30and I said, "Could I have an omelette?"
0:11:30 > 0:11:33The woman said, "No, I'm sorry sir, the powder hasn't arrived yet".
0:11:33 > 0:11:35That's not a good sign, is it?!
0:11:35 > 0:11:40I once dropped a sausage from my plate in Little Chef and it bounced.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44They made it out of old squash balls!
0:11:44 > 0:11:49The other day, we heard they'd shut getting on for half their outlets,
0:11:49 > 0:11:55and we weren't surprised, but the other day we stopped at one that was still open.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I went in and this guy gave me a paper cup,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59he said it's a casserole mash.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04I thought, that's just going to be bits of placenta...
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Oh, God!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- ..garnished with the chef's bodily fluids.- Nice.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13- It was the second nicest thing I've ever put in my mouth.- Second?
0:12:13 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:19- OK.- It was brilliant. - I loved it, to be honest.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23It's because they've got Heston Blumenthal doing the menu.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Yes, he cut his teeth, didn't he, in Heston services?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27GROANS
0:12:27 > 0:12:32BMW has sent us news of a new Mini. It's a concept, here's a picture.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36It's a twee little van with "Buckingham" picked out
0:12:36 > 0:12:39in old-fashioned sign writing and it looks like
0:12:39 > 0:12:43the sort of thing we might have been driving just after we won the war.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Oh, for God's sake, please! Don't go there.- Won it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- Don't go there. - They've done this before, BMW.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52A year or so ago they did a Mini, but at the back,
0:12:52 > 0:12:56it had a wickerwork picnic hamper and a silver tea set.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59The point is, we would like to extend an invitation to
0:12:59 > 0:13:03people of Germany to come over here, not in a bomber...
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- Not all at once.- Not in uniform, marching...- And not at night.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11No, not at night, but come over here as tourists
0:13:11 > 0:13:14and we'll show you the Shard, for example, in London. Modern skyscraper.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17We'll show you the Range Rover Evoque.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19We'll take you to an Adele gig. Maybe not Adele.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Not if ITV are covering it, cos you'll just get that...
0:13:23 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Then there'll be an advert for panty liners.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Germans need to come here, they really do - to come here
0:13:37 > 0:13:41and understand we're not driving around in twee little vans,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45tugging our forelocks at the squire any more.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47They're obsessed with this, bless them.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52They always say, "ve love your England, viz your tweed and your little houses mit-out electricity".
0:13:52 > 0:13:55We should go to Germany with mullets and leather shorts
0:13:55 > 0:13:59and wander about whistling Scorpion tunes and see how they like it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Racial stereotyping - which we don't do.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06News from the Continent! I've always wanted to say that.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07"News from the Continent."
0:14:07 > 0:14:11The French have announced that from July 1, you must, by law,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14carry a breathalyser kit in your car.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You can understand the logic behind that
0:14:16 > 0:14:20until you think about it carefully, and then there's a flaw.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24You come out of the bar, you've had a glass of wine and you think, "am I OK for driving?"
0:14:24 > 0:14:26You use your breathalyser kit, it says yes, you are,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30but then you can't drive, cos you've used your kit.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31It's a one-shot deal?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35You'd have to walk to the chemist and buy another kit before you set off.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Don't they also make us carry warning triangles?
0:14:38 > 0:14:43Yes, and in France, you've also got to carry a full set of spare bulbs and a high-visibility vest.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48Aren't all those things the police's job? Do they want us to stick some cones in the car, just in case?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51And maybe a radio, a notepad, and a pencil?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53But, if they're turning us all into policemen,
0:14:53 > 0:14:57we could stop other motorists and help ourselves to 130 of their euros.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Yes, we could stop Brits on the last tolls before Calais,
0:15:00 > 0:15:05who are rushing to get the ferry and have been speeding.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Has anyone here been caught speeding in France?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11It's like saying, has anyone been to France? Yes.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- Would you have to carry handcuffs and a big truncheon as well?- No, that's Holland.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:23Now, Richard, tell me, when you go to work at the BBC in London, where do you park your car?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Well, I park it in the car park at the BBC, underground,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28where everybody else parks. Where do you park?
0:15:28 > 0:15:33I park in the underground car park. It's a bit of a walk, but that's what you do.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Now there is a loading bay outside our office
0:15:36 > 0:15:39which is more convenient but there is no parking there.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Now I took a photograph in this loading bay this week. Here it is...
0:15:42 > 0:15:46We may recognise this car if the watch The Apprentice.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48It belongs to Lord Sir Sugar.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- His chauffeur was probably loading him into the building then.- Exactly.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Technically this was a delivery. So that's fine.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58More worrying is this. OK, if we zoom in...
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Now, right there is a little Fiat Panda,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04part blocking the door of the honest working men
0:16:04 > 0:16:07whose job it is to deliver things to the BBC.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And I'm wondering, Hammond, who has a little black Fiat Panda?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I don't know. At the BBC? LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I don't know.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Does David Attenborough? No, he doesn't.- Paxman?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Moving on, the most important news of the week.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Road safety campaigners are always telling us that driving is extremely difficult.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29It's so difficult that you couldn't possibly do something else at the same time.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- But we disagree with this. - We think driving is easy
0:16:31 > 0:16:35and you can do pretty much anything while you are driving in perfect safety.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38We do, and a couple of weeks ago he said to prove that point,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41he would drive around a track while sewing a button onto his shirt.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- OK, who'd like to see me try that?- ALL:- Yes!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Here we go, we have got it on tape.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48'This is a Suzuki Swift.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51'There's me at the wheel sewing a button on as I drive.'
0:16:51 > 0:16:54I will try and get back underneath again
0:16:54 > 0:16:56before we get to the Hammerhead which is tricky
0:16:56 > 0:17:00because I've got too many chins and I can't see what I'm doing.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Memo to self: lose weight.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05So there you are, ladies and gentlemen, you can do it.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08You can sew a button...
0:17:07 > 0:17:08APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:11But it goes on a bit. Hold on,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14because after you'd said you'd do that,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18James then said he reckoned he could drive a lap of our track in a car,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20whilst in a sleeping bag.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Can you?- Well, let's find out. - Oh, here we go.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Here I am driving along in a Suzuki Swift, exactly as you were.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Are you wearing normal clothes?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- No, I'm in a sleeping bag. - LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Shuffle the wheel. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Now tell me, was it easy?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39There was only one problem -
0:17:39 > 0:17:41that blithering idiot Hammond has turned the heater up
0:17:41 > 0:17:44to full blast because he thought it was funny.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47And of course I can't reach the knob.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49So there we are, road safety enthusiasts -
0:17:49 > 0:17:54proof that you can do other things while driving. I'm not suggesting that people do.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Don't drive to work tomorrow morning in a sack.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00But we've just shown that you can drive while sewing or in a sleeping bag,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03so you can certainly drive while eating an apple or...
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- Putting a CD in. - Well, if you still live in the 1980s, yes, putting a CD in.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- Driving is easy!- It's not difficult.
0:18:10 > 0:18:16Right, no moving on to this - it is a Maserati GranTurismo
0:18:16 > 0:18:23and it is a soft, floppy and very enormous barge for people who can't drive.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26(Our studio director's got one.)
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Um, I really don't like it at all,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30but Maserati has now scratched its head
0:18:30 > 0:18:33and tried something a bit different.
0:18:43 > 0:18:49This is what they've come up with - the GranTurismo MC Stradale.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55It's still vast.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58The gap between the wheels is longer than it is on a Range Rover
0:18:58 > 0:19:02and even beyond the wheels, look, it just keeps on going.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09Still, it's now been lowered and lightened and stiffened.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17So theoretically, it's become a proper no-nonsense road racer.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20It even has a button marked "Race" on the dashboard.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24ENGINE REVS
0:19:29 > 0:19:32That speeds up the gear changes, backs off the traction control
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and turns the exhaust all the way up to 11.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Under the bonnet, the V8 has been tweaked
0:19:42 > 0:19:46so it's now firing 444 horsepower at the rear wheels.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50And the results of all this are dramatic.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07The standard car is like a duvet on a hot night,
0:20:07 > 0:20:11flopping about everywhere, being annoying.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16This, though, in race mode, this is as tidy as a Marine's bunk.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25You can sense that the suspension is doing battle
0:20:25 > 0:20:28with the bulk of the thing.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33But you can also sense it's a battle that the suspension is winning.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36There's a majesty to the way this car drives.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41And it feels like it has a soul, too.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Ooh-ooh!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Oooh, I like you.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Oh, and Joe Walsh was wrong.
0:20:49 > 0:20:55Because my Maserati actually does 187.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01So, it goes brilliantly and thanks to carbon brakes...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03it stops just as well.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08However, if you want a road racer,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11you should know there's a new alternative
0:21:11 > 0:21:15from the dour, sensible, no-nonsense Germans at Mercedes-Benz.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23This is the C63 Black.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26It's the latest plunge into the world of insanity
0:21:26 > 0:21:30from the skunkworks deep inside the bowels of AMG.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39In many ways, it's very similar to the Maserati.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Both cost around £110,000.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Both are two-seaters.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Both have double-clutch gearboxes
0:21:46 > 0:21:49and both are jolly fast.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01But there are differences.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Big ones.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12You look at this car and you take in the aero tweaks on the front-end,
0:22:12 > 0:22:16the nostrils in the bonnet, the massively flared wheel arches
0:22:16 > 0:22:18and the enormous carbon fibre rear wing.
0:22:18 > 0:22:24And you sit in here and you know you have strengthening braces
0:22:24 > 0:22:29and you think, yes, this IS a full-on racing car.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35It isn't. It isn't that.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38It isn't even close to that.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42HE GASPS
0:22:44 > 0:22:48No, no, over there. Go over there. Over there. Go over THERE!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53What is that rear wing doing?!
0:22:53 > 0:22:57I think it's providing rear-end lift. There's no grip at all.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58It is hilarious!
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Through the corners there's just no way that I can keep up
0:23:08 > 0:23:11with the man in the Maserati because he is driving a racing car
0:23:11 > 0:23:17and I... I'm wrestling a mad yellow bear!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21This, honestly, is Winnie The Pooh with road rage.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29I mean, obviously it's much more spectacular to go round the corner
0:23:29 > 0:23:31in a cloud of your own smoke.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33But it's slower.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37As you can see, because after every single corner,
0:23:37 > 0:23:38he's 300 yards ahead of me.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43100 yards ahead.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45200 yards ahead.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46300 yards ahead.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57So on a track, the Maserati is better.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01However, as an everyday road car, there are some issues,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04chief among which are the racing harnesses.
0:24:05 > 0:24:10Look at this - honestly, it's like something out of an S&M catalogue.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12It means you can't reach the glove box.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16You can't reach car park pay machines or tollbooths.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18They couldn't have ruined the car more
0:24:18 > 0:24:21if they'd smeared the carpets with dog dirt.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26And even if you ignore the bondage gear, all is still not well.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33If you take the gearbox out of race mode
0:24:33 > 0:24:35and put it in everyday "going to the shops" auto,
0:24:35 > 0:24:39it sits down there, in the bowels of the car thinking,
0:24:39 > 0:24:44"Now, he's just pulled that lever, that means I have to do something.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48"What is it? I have to bake cake?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51"No. Mow the lawn? No."
0:24:52 > 0:24:54"I know! I am a gearbox!
0:24:54 > 0:24:58"He's pulled the lever, that means he wants third!"
0:24:58 > 0:25:01It's so dim-witted and slow in normal mode,
0:25:01 > 0:25:05it makes the whole car feel like it isn't joined up properly.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11So how does the Mercedes stack up as a road car?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Well, like the Maserati, the rear seats have been removed.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18But for a fee, Mercedes will put them back.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21They will also - free of charge - move the steering wheel
0:25:21 > 0:25:25and pedals over to the correct side of the car.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28And look at this - hasn't been invented in Italy yet.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32It's called a seatbelt and it's so simple and easy to use.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37And there's more.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39It's smaller than the Maserati,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42much like Lincolnshire, so it is easier to park
0:25:42 > 0:25:44and it has a fantastic central command unit
0:25:44 > 0:25:49which not only tells you where you are and what you're listening to, but also,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51if you push this button here,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54how much G you're generating in the bends.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Where the throttle is and how much brake you're using
0:25:57 > 0:26:01AND the condition of your tyres.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06What it should say is, "Very poor, because in the last corner you turned them all into smoke."
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Yes, I'm just taking the children to school now.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12I'm on the school run.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Just turning left into Acacia Avenue.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19The biggest problem though with this car
0:26:19 > 0:26:23is that it's not what you'd call comfortable.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Honestly, if you want to know how this car rides,
0:26:25 > 0:26:30sit on a piano and asked someone to push you down that cobbled hill they used in the Hovis ads.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32It's ridiculous!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I actually owned the predecessor of this car
0:26:35 > 0:26:37and I've been saying for years, it rides too harshly.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40And what have they done with the replacement?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42They've made it worse!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45So, there we are.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Both these cars are good fun on the track,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51albeit for very different reasons.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55But for commuting and shopping and going out for dinner,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57thanks to the ride in the Mercedes
0:26:57 > 0:27:00and the gearbox in the Maserati, no.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Neither of them work very well at all.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:14 > 0:27:17It does have a better petrol tank than mine.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- And the seat belts are easier to do up.- Yeah.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Let me get this one straight,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27so you finally admitting that AMG Mercs are ridiculous?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Well, I mean, if you are me
0:27:29 > 0:27:34with my very specific requirements for a car, it's very good indeed.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Yeah, but quite a lot of people aren't you, so for all of them?
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Well, as I said in the film, er, it is a bit stiff.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Yeah. Just why don't you tell the ladies and gentleman
0:27:44 > 0:27:46how many laps of track you managed
0:27:46 > 0:27:51- before the rear tyres went down to the cambers?- There's a very pretty girl there. Have you seen?
0:27:51 > 0:27:54How many lap did you manage of our track
0:27:54 > 0:27:55before the rear tyres were lunched?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Erm...
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Four.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02- How many?- Four.- BOTH:- Four!
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Four laps of the track.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05That adds up to 6.8 miles.
0:28:05 > 0:28:12- That works out at £85 a mile, just in tyres, to run this car.- Yes.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15And we're now going to have to man our wallets once more
0:28:15 > 0:28:20because it's time to find out how fast the Mercedes and the Maserati go around our track.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24And that of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
0:28:24 > 0:28:31Some say that he is the only man in history to buy a DFS sofa
0:28:31 > 0:28:34when there wasn't a sale on.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35LAUGHTER
0:28:35 > 0:28:41And that his favourite boxing venue is Munich Airport.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43All we know is that he's called The Stig!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45And they're off.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Now the Maserati is undoubtedly quicker through the corners,
0:28:49 > 0:28:51but the Merc will blitz it on the straights.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Obviously we are not going to find out here because, look,
0:28:54 > 0:28:57the Merc is already twitching, and wait for it...
0:28:57 > 0:28:59yes, smoke and sliding.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01"The Archers" THEME TUNE PLAYS
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Stig unfortunately still obsessed with The Archers.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Chicago, once again the Merc sideways.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11They should have called it the Crab.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14OK, hard on the brakes for Hammerhead.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16What will happen in here, I wonder?
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Yup, there goes the Mercedes. Oh, even the Maserati's sliding.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22And the Merc continues to smoke like a refinery fire.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26RADIO PLAYS
0:29:26 > 0:29:29A double helping of agri-drivel there.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32OK, here we go, the Maserati has the V8 engine.
0:29:32 > 0:29:37The Merc is now unleashing a 6.2 litre, 510 horsepower V8 atom bomb.
0:29:38 > 0:29:43Just a fantastic amount of power in that thing. Two corners left.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Looking pretty even so far.
0:29:45 > 0:29:46Penultimate corner.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Didn't go sideways, but Gambon, he did.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51and there we are, across the line.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:54 > 0:29:57- Now the Maserati...- Yes.
0:29:57 > 0:30:04- The Maserati did it in 1.23.1. So it goes there.- Not bad.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Nearly as quick as a Ferrari 430 in fact.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08- Come on, then.- The Mercedes...
0:30:08 > 0:30:11- 1.21 dead.- What?!
0:30:11 > 0:30:17Look at that. It's between the 599 and an SLR.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19What?! Hang on. No, no. Hang on.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23How...? How did IT do that?
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Because as I've explained to you many times, Hammond,
0:30:26 > 0:30:29precision and technicality will always be beaten
0:30:29 > 0:30:32by shouting and smoking and power.
0:30:32 > 0:30:36Anyway, it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40My guest tonight is quite simply Doctor Who,
0:30:40 > 0:30:44which explains how he was able to travel back in time to the 1980s
0:30:44 > 0:30:48and steal Phil Oakey's hair. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Smith!
0:30:48 > 0:30:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:51 > 0:30:55- Hello, hello, hello! How are you?- Hello, big man. - It's good to see you.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59- Thank you for having me on. - It's a pleasure! Doctor Who is among us!
0:30:59 > 0:31:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:01 > 0:31:04He is!
0:31:06 > 0:31:09You're not wearing your Doctor Who outfit!
0:31:09 > 0:31:12No, mate, just me civvies.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14And I've got odd socks on cos I couldn't find them.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16You're actually dressed more like...
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Well, I've discovered you are a football enthusiast.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Oh, big! Yeah, a massive football enthusiast.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Did you ever play properly?
0:31:25 > 0:31:27I played for... I mean, yeah.
0:31:27 > 0:31:32I went through the youth academies and I played for Forest and I played for Leicester.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34- MUTED CHEER - Hooray!
0:31:34 > 0:31:38- There's actually a Leicester City supporter here? - LAUGHTER
0:31:38 > 0:31:41He's here! I should say it that way round.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43You played and then what happened?
0:31:43 > 0:31:46I had a back injury called spondylitis,
0:31:46 > 0:31:51- or it's some sort of strange name. - Was it caused by your hair going all on one side?
0:31:51 > 0:31:55Yeah, I was injured for a year, and God bless my dad,
0:31:55 > 0:32:01he'd drive me up from school every day when I was playing at Leicester and I'd get the treatment there.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04But I just never recovered, and so they let me go.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07Do you reckon you could've been a footballist
0:32:07 > 0:32:11- if your back hadn't have...?- I hope so. I was captain at the time,
0:32:11 > 0:32:14at Leicester under-15s, and, um...
0:32:14 > 0:32:17You know, I had a great season. But who knows?
0:32:17 > 0:32:19The one player that I played with,
0:32:19 > 0:32:22and at Forest, we were two years unbeaten.
0:32:22 > 0:32:27And the only player that went on to play in the Premiership was Jermaine Jenas, that was it.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29- Yay.- Howay.
0:32:29 > 0:32:30LAUGHTER
0:32:30 > 0:32:35Let's move off football and on to Doctor Who which is I'm sure where everyone wants to go.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39- It's the longest-running sci-fi series in the world. - That's correct.
0:32:39 > 0:32:45- Is it 50 years now or next...? - 50 years, on, I think, it's November 23rd or 24th, 2013.- 50 years.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48- And you're the youngest Doctor ever. - I am the youngest carnation.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52I'm in the Guinness Book Of Records which as child, I was like, "Yes!"
0:32:52 > 0:32:54The youngest Doctor Who.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57It's better than seeing how many beans you can put up your nose!
0:32:57 > 0:33:01- LAUGHTER - One of the things that fascinates me is that when I was growing up,
0:33:01 > 0:33:05and Doctor Who had the Daleks on, I was, "It's a thing with a sink plunger!" I was terrified.
0:33:05 > 0:33:10But now, even my youngest plays Call Of Duty and plays the Nazi zombies with dogs that explode.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16Is it difficult to think of something that will scare a child
0:33:16 > 0:33:21who has just finished shooting an alien in the face on a PlayStation?
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Well, no... Yes, perhaps, but...
0:33:23 > 0:33:24Doctor Who isn't scary in the way
0:33:24 > 0:33:27that there's blood and guts and people getting blown up.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30And actually, how scary is that?
0:33:30 > 0:33:34"Scary" is in tension. That's why I think the angels are really scary.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Cos when you're not looking at them they go, thumpthumpthump, like that.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Yeah, that is quite scary.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41What's the grinning doll one called?
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Which one?
0:33:43 > 0:33:45It looks a bit like Richard Hammond.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48- LAUGHTER - There were some dolls in this one,
0:33:48 > 0:33:51the peg dolls, or there's the scarecrows,
0:33:51 > 0:33:53which was a Tennant episode.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56And then Cybermen aren't scary.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00- Yes, but...- They are not! Somebody said they are, but they aren't.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04It's like, they're here, right, and they come at you like this.
0:34:04 > 0:34:05They're slow, I know.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08You could just walk away. "Oh, there's a Cyberman there, I'll just stroll over here."
0:34:08 > 0:34:12- Never apply logic to Who, because... - I suppose.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16Presumably a lot goes with being Doctor Who that's not just playing Doctor Who.
0:34:16 > 0:34:21Everywhere you go, you've got to have children saying, "Who's the scariest monster?"
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Yes! I don't know if I should even say this, but I got home last night,
0:34:24 > 0:34:28got to my door, and there was little girl of about 12 or 13
0:34:28 > 0:34:30reading a book in a bush.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33And she said, "Don't worry, I'm not a homeless person."
0:34:33 > 0:34:36Then she said, "Could you just say, 'Hey, I'm the Doctor.'?"
0:34:36 > 0:34:40So I just sort of said, "Hey! I'm the Doctor."
0:34:40 > 0:34:44- LAUGHTER - Then went, "Go home!"
0:34:44 > 0:34:48That is quite scary. You could get into trouble for that.
0:34:48 > 0:34:52- Anyway, we had Michael Fassbender on last week.- I know, he did well.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56He did well and he's not the only one that's appeared naked in a film recently.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00You have too, in The Womb, you had your Time-Lord sausage out.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03It was with Eva Green, who played a Bond girl.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06- A very beautiful woman. - She was, in Casino Royale.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08The first scene of the first day,
0:35:08 > 0:35:12we're on the most northerly point of Germany and it's Baltic cold.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15It's March. And I've got to get in the sea.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17So I get there, I go in the sea,
0:35:17 > 0:35:20- freeze my- BLEEP- off, come out,
0:35:20 > 0:35:22and then do this scene with Eva Green!
0:35:22 > 0:35:27And what can you do but apologise and go, "It's normally much more majestic!"
0:35:27 > 0:35:29LAUGHTER
0:35:29 > 0:35:32It was awful! This beautiful French woman and you're like...
0:35:32 > 0:35:35I saw...I saw in the film,
0:35:35 > 0:35:39- you see her eyes, I come and she goes...- You what?
0:35:39 > 0:35:41LAUGHTER
0:35:41 > 0:35:44- I come out of the water.- I see, I'm with you, and she's like...
0:35:46 > 0:35:49- Yeah, it was crap, basically. - LAUGHTER
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Now, cars.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55As you're such a young Doctor Who, I can't imagine your car history's particularly brilliant.
0:35:55 > 0:36:02Well, no. The first car I had was... I passed at 18 and I got a Corsa which I bought brand new.
0:36:02 > 0:36:06And I've got to say, it was a brilliant little motor,
0:36:06 > 0:36:10- and it's still going. It's still going.- So, this was a ten-year-old Vauxhall Corsa?
0:36:10 > 0:36:14Yeah, my sister's driving it about and I broke the wing mirror,
0:36:14 > 0:36:19so I just taped it with gaffer tape and had it like that for four years. My friends would call it "The Shed".
0:36:19 > 0:36:25- Was it much bigger on the inside than on the outside?- Sadly not. - What do you dream of owning?
0:36:25 > 0:36:29Do you know what I'd like most of all? I'd like an old 911. I know it's a point of contention...
0:36:29 > 0:36:33You may as well have an old one cos the new one is exactly the same.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36They're sexy cars.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39Especially the old 911, from what was it?
0:36:39 > 0:36:45- In the '90s.- They're the same as they are now! And it's not new.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49- Obviously, of course, you came here to do your lap.- Yeah.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53- How did it go? - I was getting frustrated. I spun off a couple of times.
0:36:53 > 0:36:58But I just thought, "Right, hell for leather!" But I think that was my problem.
0:36:58 > 0:37:02A lot of the guests that come here struggle with the second-to-last corner.
0:37:02 > 0:37:06- And we've got some footage of you attempting to get around there. - Oh, God...- Anyone like to see?
0:37:06 > 0:37:09ALL: Yes!
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Let's have a look at Matt coming up to the second-to-last corner.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13And...
0:37:13 > 0:37:14run a bit wide there.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17Now that was attempt number one, there.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20And then that's Gambon with a new line.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23There we are, not crossing the line. Here we are again.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26- Oh, you,- BLEEP!
0:37:26 > 0:37:29See, that's quite angry. Oh, dear, now...
0:37:29 > 0:37:31Fishtanking.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33APPLAUSE
0:37:33 > 0:37:34I really admire...
0:37:34 > 0:37:37I do admire a man who goes, "No, I can do it!"
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Who here would like to see Matt's lap?
0:37:42 > 0:37:44ALL: Yes!
0:37:44 > 0:37:45- Play the tape.- Oh, no...
0:37:45 > 0:37:47TYRES SQUEAL
0:37:47 > 0:37:51Now, let's see if we can see any evidence of this aggressive driving.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Right, concentrate. Calm.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56# We're singing in the rain... #
0:37:56 > 0:38:00- That's not a bad idea, actually. - # Just singing in the rain... #
0:38:00 > 0:38:01I was getting too annoyed, you see.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03TYRES SCREECH
0:38:03 > 0:38:05- Couple of bites at turning in there. - Wide, wide, wide...
0:38:05 > 0:38:09- TYRES SCREECH - That's a tortured tyre, but it is clinging on well.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11I'm just sort of braking around it.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14HE HUMS "SINGING IN THE RAIN"
0:38:14 > 0:38:17- TO TUNE OF "SINGING IN THE RAIN": - # ..And down to second gear... #
0:38:17 > 0:38:20- TYRES SCREECH - Ooh, running a bit wide there.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24Listen to those tyres! They're working for a living today.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26This is the Hammerhead coming up.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30It's like an angry shark. Oh, yeah...
0:38:30 > 0:38:33TYRES SCREECH
0:38:33 > 0:38:35That's actually quite nicely done.
0:38:35 > 0:38:39- In, a lot of understeer at the first part and...- Argh!
0:38:39 > 0:38:41..OK on the way out.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44ENGINE REVS
0:38:44 > 0:38:48- And we're going to hit Gambon like a- BLEEP- train.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50'Come on!'
0:38:50 > 0:38:53Like to see a man planning ahead - we're only at the Follow-through,
0:38:53 > 0:38:57still got that to do. And the tyres... Long way.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01Good cutting.
0:39:02 > 0:39:07- Yeah, yeah...- Into second. - ..You're in very soon.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09You can leave it in third actually for Gambon.
0:39:09 > 0:39:13And lots of understeer again, but across the line!
0:39:13 > 0:39:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:20 > 0:39:25Now, you are by no means the first Doctor Who we've had down here.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27You've had Chris and David.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30Yeah, we've had Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31We've even had Billie Piper.
0:39:31 > 0:39:36- Former assistant.- Yeah, I've driven with Billie. She's quick.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40She did it in the Lacetti in one... I haven't got my glasses on.
0:39:40 > 0:39:44It was either a 1:46 or a 1:48. Has anyone got any glasses?
0:39:44 > 0:39:50- She did it in 1:48.3. Actually, she was the quickest. - 1:48.3, what were the others?
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Eccleston was 1:52.4, in the Liana,
0:39:53 > 0:39:57and Dave was 1:48.8.
0:39:57 > 0:40:001:48.8... So where do you think YOU'VE come?
0:40:00 > 0:40:03Actually, you're in a new car. Cos they did it in the Liana or the Lacetti.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06- So where do think you've come? - I have no idea.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08I know I'm nowhere near Fassbender.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12Oh, I don't really want to be below Louis Walsh.
0:40:12 > 0:40:13LAUGHTER
0:40:13 > 0:40:20- Where is Louis Walsh?- At 1:47.7, that wasn't that rapid.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22- You did it...- Hm...
0:40:22 > 0:40:231...
0:40:23 > 0:40:2640...
0:40:26 > 0:40:28So that's good.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32..3...
0:40:32 > 0:40:34- Point 7.- Get in!
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Matt Smith, the fastest Doctor Who!
0:40:36 > 0:40:40- And you go right up there. - I'll take that.
0:40:40 > 0:40:45- I'll take that, absolutely! - That's a bloody good time.
0:40:45 > 0:40:46Yeah! Get in!
0:40:46 > 0:40:50That was a good time. Up there with Ryan Reynolds, exactly the same.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52And it's weird, because normally,
0:40:52 > 0:40:56when a lap looks boring and slow and steady, they're the quick ones.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Yours looked properly aggressive.
0:40:58 > 0:41:02So, do you drive the TARDIS like that? Is it the full, "Give it some!"
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Absolutely, that's the only way to drive the TARDIS.
0:41:04 > 0:41:09That's why it's always broken. You're always having to hit it with your screwdriver!
0:41:09 > 0:41:13- It's been a huge pleasure to have you on, the fastest Doctor Who we've ever had.- I'm chuffed with that.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Smith!
0:41:15 > 0:41:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:28 > 0:41:32When we heard the news that Saab had closed down,
0:41:32 > 0:41:35Jeremy and I were genuinely very sad.
0:41:35 > 0:41:40Although we weren't actually sure why, so we went to investigate.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45Saab began as an aeroplane maker.
0:41:45 > 0:41:51But after WWII, it noticed that demand for fighter planes had dropped off dramatically.
0:41:51 > 0:41:55So it decided to start making cars as well.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58The first effort was created by two men -
0:41:58 > 0:42:02one who designed wings and one who designed bomb racks.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05Neither had done a car before and it kind of showed.
0:42:07 > 0:42:13Their prototype had enclosed front wheels which was very aerodynamic,
0:42:13 > 0:42:16but as you drove along in winter, snow would build up in the arches
0:42:16 > 0:42:21and it was only when you got to a corner when you noticed the steering had jammed.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24There were other issues too - the rear window was tiny
0:42:24 > 0:42:27and there was no boot lid.
0:42:31 > 0:42:35Mass production wasn't their bag either.
0:42:35 > 0:42:39While Austin made a car every 27 seconds, it took Saab 27 minutes.
0:42:39 > 0:42:43Oh, and all their cars were painted green.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49So, a green car with no boot you could use,
0:42:49 > 0:42:51and in bad weather, no steering.
0:42:51 > 0:42:56But the biggest problem in those early days was the engine.
0:42:56 > 0:42:58As James shall now explain.
0:43:00 > 0:43:04This is the 92. It was Saab's first production car,
0:43:04 > 0:43:07and it came with a thirsty two-stroke engine
0:43:07 > 0:43:09that produced just 25 horsepower.
0:43:11 > 0:43:16The real problem is that the engine was only lubricated when you had your foot on the throttle.
0:43:16 > 0:43:20In a two-stroke, engine oil is mixed with the fuel,
0:43:20 > 0:43:23so if there's no fuel going in, there's no oil going in.
0:43:23 > 0:43:27This wasn't an issue when you were driving along on a level like this,
0:43:27 > 0:43:31or going up a hill, because you had your foot on the throttle and you had the fuel and oil going in.
0:43:33 > 0:43:38But once you were going downhill, you had a problem as you had to brake with your left foot, but...
0:43:38 > 0:43:41Whoa! ..Keep the power on with your right foot
0:43:41 > 0:43:43so that the engine still got some oil.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46Whoa... This is very tricky.
0:43:46 > 0:43:51And it feels stupid. I'm driving and stopping at the same time.
0:43:51 > 0:43:56Then you'll arrive at the bottom of the hill with your brakes completely boiled over
0:43:56 > 0:44:01and your 65mph Saab would be absolutely unable to stop.
0:44:01 > 0:44:02It's hopeless.
0:44:02 > 0:44:06'Saab's history is littered with terrible mistakes like this.'
0:44:08 > 0:44:10'There was the 900 convertible,
0:44:10 > 0:44:13'which was as rigid as a week-old salad.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15'There was the Sonnet,
0:44:15 > 0:44:19'which was supposed to have been a sports car...but wasn't.'
0:44:20 > 0:44:24'And then in then in 1992, they even made a car with no steering wheel.'
0:44:24 > 0:44:27DISCORDANT MUSIC
0:44:35 > 0:44:37In fact, the more you drive this...
0:44:39 > 0:44:40..the easier it becomes.
0:44:40 > 0:44:43The temptation is to just stare at the bonnet in wonderment
0:44:43 > 0:44:46that you can actually have any directional control at all.
0:44:48 > 0:44:54So, lots of Swedish strangeness, and an advertising campaign that didn't make much sense either.
0:45:00 > 0:45:03'Only one aircraft manufacturer makes cars.
0:45:03 > 0:45:07'Sierra-Alpha-Alpha-Bravo.'
0:45:08 > 0:45:11Yes, Saab loved to remind us
0:45:11 > 0:45:14that their cars came from a company that made jet fighters.
0:45:14 > 0:45:16But it was nonsense.
0:45:16 > 0:45:20This jet fighter, for example, had an engine made by Volvo.
0:45:20 > 0:45:24'Saab. It's a pity other cars aren't built this way.'
0:45:24 > 0:45:29The idea was that you were buying "a jet fighter for the road",
0:45:29 > 0:45:31but were you?
0:45:31 > 0:45:34So, James, you have a pilot's licence
0:45:34 > 0:45:39- and I believe you've been in a Typhoon, a fighter aircraft.- Yes.
0:45:39 > 0:45:42Is there anything in here that puts you in mind of that plane?
0:45:44 > 0:45:46- No.- What, nothing?
0:45:46 > 0:45:48No.
0:45:48 > 0:45:52Is the key down here on a Typhoon?
0:45:52 > 0:45:53No.
0:45:53 > 0:45:58Do you have to lock the Typhoon in reverse before you take the key out?
0:45:58 > 0:46:02- No, it doesn't have reverse, as such.- It has reverse thrust.
0:46:02 > 0:46:06Yeah, but it doesn't have a reverse gear. It doesn't have a key, actually.
0:46:06 > 0:46:10So, this is really not the same.
0:46:10 > 0:46:14However, it does have a night panel button.
0:46:14 > 0:46:17It shuts down all the dials apart from the speedo.
0:46:17 > 0:46:21Now, I can see this would be useful if you were in
0:46:21 > 0:46:23an F-14 over the Pacific
0:46:23 > 0:46:26looking for the landing lights on your aircraft carrier.
0:46:26 > 0:46:31But on the A38 outside Derby, why would you want that?
0:46:31 > 0:46:37I used to worry it was all just broken anyway. How do you know?
0:46:37 > 0:46:39I went in an F-15 once,
0:46:39 > 0:46:44it was very different because nothing in here is covered in sick.
0:46:44 > 0:46:50Even after Saab was taken over by General Motors in the late '80s,
0:46:50 > 0:46:52their marketing men kept at it.
0:46:52 > 0:46:55Breathtaking acceleration.
0:46:55 > 0:46:59Here, an F-22 Raptor, not built by Saab, being used to advertise
0:46:59 > 0:47:02what is basically a Vauxhall Cavalier.
0:47:02 > 0:47:05Saab, pure driving pleasure.
0:47:06 > 0:47:10So, Saab, a chequered history, bonkers advertising
0:47:10 > 0:47:12and lots of harebrained ideas.
0:47:12 > 0:47:15But for every idea they had that didn't work,
0:47:15 > 0:47:18they had another which did.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21Often brilliantly.
0:47:21 > 0:47:25And one of the most brilliant ideas of them all was this.
0:47:27 > 0:47:30The 99 Turbo.
0:47:31 > 0:47:34Saab weren't the first to turbocharge a car,
0:47:34 > 0:47:38that was Chevrolet and BMW and Porsche.
0:47:38 > 0:47:43But they were the first to put a turbocharger on a mainstream car, which was this.
0:47:43 > 0:47:47It was thanks to this car that everything in the '80s
0:47:47 > 0:47:49went turbo-crazy.
0:47:49 > 0:47:53- The word "turbo" came to mean anything that was really good. - It did.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56I had a turbo vacuum cleaner, which was fair enough,
0:47:56 > 0:47:59but my mate had turbo sunglasses!
0:47:59 > 0:48:02It said it on the lens.
0:48:02 > 0:48:07- You also got turbo razors. - Turbo aftershave.
0:48:07 > 0:48:09- Did you?- Well, I didn't because I don't wear aftershave
0:48:09 > 0:48:12because I'm not from Cheshire!
0:48:12 > 0:48:16There was more, because you could even buy your Turbo
0:48:16 > 0:48:19'with water injection.' I don't understand that.
0:48:19 > 0:48:22I could explain it but you're not interested.
0:48:22 > 0:48:24- No, I am.- You're not! - I am interested.
0:48:24 > 0:48:28Water injection in the inlet cools the charger
0:48:28 > 0:48:33- and it's the job later done by... - I'm not interested!
0:48:34 > 0:48:37All we need to know is that with water injection this
0:48:37 > 0:48:42turbo-charged pocket rocket could get from 0 to 60 in eight seconds.
0:48:42 > 0:48:47That's quick, even by today's standards.
0:48:47 > 0:48:50- It accelerates faster than a modern Mini Cooper.- Yeah.
0:48:50 > 0:48:54And a Renaultsport Twingo 133. This is a fast car.
0:48:57 > 0:49:00It is quick.
0:49:01 > 0:49:04Now, there is some Saab weirdness.
0:49:04 > 0:49:07The steering wheel comes out of the dashboard at an angle.
0:49:07 > 0:49:13- It's like that. And there's a button here that says extra.- Extra what?
0:49:13 > 0:49:18- It doesn't say. It just says extra. - Try it.- Ready?- Yes.
0:49:21 > 0:49:25You haven't got any more interesting or attractive!
0:49:25 > 0:49:29Little details aside, this is a fantastic car.
0:49:29 > 0:49:34This is a truly fantastic car. It's a legendary car.
0:49:34 > 0:49:37I used to covet this massively.
0:49:39 > 0:49:42It wasn't just the speed I liked, either.
0:49:42 > 0:49:44Because when you look at the bumpers
0:49:44 > 0:49:47sticking out like a spoiled child's bottom lip,
0:49:47 > 0:49:49you get a sense the Scandinavian engineers
0:49:49 > 0:49:53cared about the safety of you and your family.
0:49:55 > 0:49:58I had my first proper road accident in one of these.
0:49:58 > 0:50:01I was a passenger here on this side.
0:50:01 > 0:50:05I was only 17 and it belonged to my girlfriend's dad.
0:50:05 > 0:50:10It was quite a rare car and it was lovely, white with a blue stripe.
0:50:10 > 0:50:13The interior was this brick-red dusty colour.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16And it was a really nice car. We went around a roundabout
0:50:16 > 0:50:19and a car coming up the road didn't stop and T-boned us here.
0:50:19 > 0:50:24- I was perfectly OK.- You would be in a Saab. What was the girl called?
0:50:26 > 0:50:28Uh...
0:50:28 > 0:50:30Kate? No...
0:50:30 > 0:50:35You can remember the Saab had brick red upholstery and had a blue stripe
0:50:35 > 0:50:38and where you were sitting but not the name of the girlfriend.
0:50:38 > 0:50:39Was she called Derek?!
0:50:42 > 0:50:46Because this car was fast and safe and a bit left-field,
0:50:46 > 0:50:49it brought the Saab brand to the attention of
0:50:49 > 0:50:51a very specific type of customer.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54A customer who has remained loyal ever since.
0:50:54 > 0:50:56This person likes Audis.
0:50:56 > 0:50:58This one likes Ferraris.
0:50:58 > 0:51:00This one likes the bus.
0:51:00 > 0:51:02This one has a Honda.
0:51:02 > 0:51:03He has a Peugeot.
0:51:03 > 0:51:06And then this chap with the black polo neck
0:51:06 > 0:51:08and the thin specs.
0:51:08 > 0:51:12He is an architect, and he likes Saabs.
0:51:12 > 0:51:18# All the leaves are brown... #
0:51:18 > 0:51:23Research has shown that Saab drivers are the best educated people on the roads.
0:51:26 > 0:51:31The 99 gave Saab customers other companies could only dream about.
0:51:31 > 0:51:36This car, then, was Saab's Dark Side Of The Moon.
0:51:36 > 0:51:41Their first big hit, the one we all remember.
0:51:42 > 0:51:48None of the models that followed the 99 Turbo appeared to have quite the same appeal.
0:51:48 > 0:51:51But they did.
0:51:51 > 0:51:54'What we have here is a 1980s BMW
0:51:54 > 0:51:58'hanging upside down eight feet from the ground.
0:51:58 > 0:52:01'And what we are going to do is drop it.'
0:52:05 > 0:52:08You wouldn't want to be in that if it fell from a crane upside down.
0:52:08 > 0:52:12If you were Richard Hammond, you'd be all right.
0:52:12 > 0:52:16Yeah, that's toast. The steering wheel is touching the ceiling.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19'So, let's see what happens
0:52:19 > 0:52:23'when we drop a 1980s Saab 900 from the same height.'
0:52:29 > 0:52:31God, I really wouldn't have believed that.
0:52:31 > 0:52:35- I would not have believed that in a million years.- Look at that.
0:52:35 > 0:52:39- I think you could get out as well. - That is stunning.
0:52:39 > 0:52:44Saab made the pillars so strong that when they went rallying
0:52:44 > 0:52:46- they didn't have to fit a roll cage. - Is that true?- Yeah.
0:52:46 > 0:52:51They had to fit one because of regulations but it wasn't necessary.
0:52:51 > 0:52:53I was talking the other day
0:52:53 > 0:52:57to a friend who is a senior designer with another Swedish car company
0:52:57 > 0:53:04and he said nobody could ever work out why Saab cost so much until they crashed it.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08Saab were always pathological about safety.
0:53:08 > 0:53:14Before putting a car on sale they made sure it could survive just about anything.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17Even a head-on collision with a moose.
0:53:22 > 0:53:24This attention to detail caused a few problems
0:53:24 > 0:53:27when they conceived the 9000.
0:53:27 > 0:53:30Because, to save costs, it was designed in tandem
0:53:30 > 0:53:32with the Lancia Thema.
0:53:34 > 0:53:37The idea was that behind the different badges
0:53:37 > 0:53:43and underneath the bodies, the cars would actually be the same.
0:53:43 > 0:53:48And it seemed like they were - up until the point that they were crash-tested.
0:53:48 > 0:53:52Lancia's engineers described the results as perfect.
0:53:52 > 0:53:57Saab's engineers described them as - I'm quoting directly here - "not good at all."
0:53:57 > 0:54:01And from that moment on, the joint venture completely fell apart.
0:54:03 > 0:54:07The Saab ended up with much bigger wheels than the Lancia.
0:54:07 > 0:54:09It was also made out of thicker steel
0:54:09 > 0:54:12and had a completely different rear axle.
0:54:12 > 0:54:16Sticking to principles like that is expensive.
0:54:16 > 0:54:21Saab was losing money hand over fist on every car it made.
0:54:23 > 0:54:26Even advertising it as a jet fighter for the road didn't help.
0:54:29 > 0:54:31Saab 9000.
0:54:31 > 0:54:37So, in 1989, Saab was bailed out by General Motors.
0:54:37 > 0:54:40To try and larch some fiscal sense into them,
0:54:40 > 0:54:44a team executives from GM went over to Sweden and said,
0:54:44 > 0:54:47"This is a Cavalier from our Vauxhall division."
0:54:47 > 0:54:53"To make your new car, you change the body and the badges. That's it."
0:54:53 > 0:54:56Nice and cheap. Body and badges.
0:54:56 > 0:55:00Saab ignored them so completely that their new 900
0:55:00 > 0:55:05shared only a third of its components with the Cavalier.
0:55:05 > 0:55:09When the time came to replace the 900 with the 93,
0:55:09 > 0:55:13the General Motors executives went to Sweden again and said,
0:55:13 > 0:55:18"Here is the Vauxhall Vectra. This time we mean it.
0:55:18 > 0:55:23"Only change the body and the badges. Nothing else."
0:55:23 > 0:55:27Guess what? The Swedes went even more mental.
0:55:27 > 0:55:32They changed so much that even the wheelbase was different.
0:55:32 > 0:55:35At one point, a General Motors accountant went to Sweden
0:55:35 > 0:55:39to see why Saab was costing them so much money.
0:55:39 > 0:55:42He got into the new 93, turned on the Sat Nav
0:55:42 > 0:55:46and thought, "Wait a minute, that's not one of our systems."
0:55:46 > 0:55:47He was right, it wasn't.
0:55:47 > 0:55:51Saab had developed, at vast expense, their own system
0:55:51 > 0:55:55because they thought GM's wasn't good enough.
0:55:57 > 0:56:00Eventually, General Motors had had enough.
0:56:00 > 0:56:03In 2010, as Saab was finishing the job
0:56:03 > 0:56:07of turning the Vauxhall Insignia into the completely different 95,
0:56:07 > 0:56:11the Detroit giants pulled the plug.
0:56:12 > 0:56:15The brand itself will have some residual value,
0:56:15 > 0:56:18the company's facilities are likely to be broken up and sold.
0:56:20 > 0:56:22At the last minute, a buyer was found,
0:56:22 > 0:56:26a Dutchman who owned a small car company called Spyker.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28To get the money rolling in,
0:56:28 > 0:56:33he needed to get the new 95 into the showrooms as quickly as possible.
0:56:34 > 0:56:38That meant it went on sale before it was finished.
0:56:38 > 0:56:41And that meant it was a commercial flop.
0:56:41 > 0:56:46And so in January of this year, Saab closed down for good.
0:56:53 > 0:56:58- So, this is the last ever Saab that we are in right now.- Yeah.
0:57:00 > 0:57:07This is the final chapter. I really like the way they did things.
0:57:11 > 0:57:17- I am going to miss Saab. - It is a sad day.- It is sad.
0:57:21 > 0:57:24It is a sad day, too, for the Swedish town of Trollhattan
0:57:24 > 0:57:30where for 60 years the workforce has tried to be different, to be better.
0:57:30 > 0:57:32To think outside the box.
0:57:35 > 0:57:40And, of course, it's very sad for our architect friend who,
0:57:40 > 0:57:44from now on, will have to buy a five series.
0:57:44 > 0:57:47Still, there's one crumb of comfort because let's not forget
0:57:47 > 0:57:51whose engines powered the first-ever jet fighter.
0:57:51 > 0:57:54BMW.
0:58:00 > 0:58:01APPLAUSE
0:58:01 > 0:58:04Genuinely sad.
0:58:04 > 0:58:08APPLAUSE MASKS THEIR SPEECH
0:58:08 > 0:58:11You ought to know that the Messerschmitt 262
0:58:11 > 0:58:14was supposed to use BMW engines but it didn't work.
0:58:14 > 0:58:16It had Junker's engines when it went into action.
0:58:16 > 0:58:20James, we haven't got time for your precise history of aviation since 1944!
0:58:20 > 0:58:24What I'm interested in, those architects who've got Saabs today,
0:58:24 > 0:58:28if the company has gone, will they be able to keep their cars on the road?
0:58:28 > 0:58:31Well, you might imagine
0:58:31 > 0:58:34if you had a Saab you could take it to a Vauxhall dealer
0:58:34 > 0:58:37but because Saab changed so much, you may as well take it to WHSmith.
0:58:37 > 0:58:41- They would be more likely to be able to service it.- The good news is
0:58:41 > 0:58:44a new company has started up specifically to
0:58:44 > 0:58:47provide parts for Saabs.
0:58:47 > 0:58:51If you are an architect, fingers crossed, you should be OK for a bit.
0:58:51 > 0:58:57That's the second week on the trot we have ended with a useful piece of consumer advice!
0:58:57 > 0:59:00- It's weird.- And on that bombshell, it is time to end.
0:59:00 > 0:59:03Thank you so much for watching. Good night!
0:59:25 > 0:59:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd