0:00:11 > 0:00:14Tonight, we get very cold and wet...
0:00:14 > 0:00:17I re-enact the Battle of Britain...
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Oh, nuts.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22And there's a Blur in our reasonably-priced car.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Hello. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39We will begin with track days. The idea behind them is simple.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42During the week, when there is no actual motor racing going on,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45the owners of race circuits allow people to rock up
0:00:45 > 0:00:48and spend the day whizzing around in their own cars.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50This is now so popular,
0:00:50 > 0:00:55you can even buy cars specifically designed with track days in mind.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59We decided to go down to the Simply Sausages Donnington race track
0:00:59 > 0:01:02to sort out which one is best.
0:01:11 > 0:01:17This is the original track-day car and, in my opinion, still the best.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31It's...the Caterham 7. But it is no ordinary Caterham 7.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36This is the R500 Superlight. It is less heavy.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39It has no frills, adornments, garnish, apart from a few stripes.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41It is simple, pure.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45It is an unadulterated driving experience and I absolutely love it.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47But - and this is a weird thing -
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Jeremy Clarkson believes he has come up with something better.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Whoo-hoo!
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Yes, I have. This is the KTM X-bow.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07Part insect, part terrain-following missile.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12JEREMY LAUGHS
0:02:12 > 0:02:13- Wait a minute.- What?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17I thought you were bringing that new thing they were making in Cheshire.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19What, the BAC Mono?
0:02:19 > 0:02:23- Yes.- It broke down.- Where did it break down?- In the factory.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26It broke down while they were still building it?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28It really did.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30This is my second choice
0:02:30 > 0:02:33and, despite that, it is still better than yours.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Is it?- Yes.- Why is that then?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Because yours is from the 1950s and this is from this morning.
0:02:39 > 0:02:45Carbon-fibre panels, mid-engined, pushrod actuated double wishbone suspension.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46How much is it?
0:02:46 > 0:02:51- 49,000.- You see, £41,000 so it is cheaper. And it is better.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- This was fine in 1961.- It is not the same car any more.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58It has a better engine, suspension, materials,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00it has been made slightly wider.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02It has modern instruments.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05A sequential shift.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08'At this point, we were joined by our colleague.'
0:03:08 > 0:03:12What in the name of all that's holy...?!
0:03:14 > 0:03:20You see, if you want a car built purely for fun, you want this.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24It is made largely from aluminium which is mixed with wood,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27but that is the way Morgan build their cards.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Why does it have RAF roundels on it?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34It has been styled to look like an aeroplane.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- It hasn't got wings! - It has aeroplane-style gauges.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42- Why is the engine not in the car? - Because it is an air-cooled V twin.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45It needs to be outside because that is where the air is.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- What's in there? - Oil tank. And the battery.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I think, move to the back, Hammond. I have another question.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55The question I am going to ask is it doesn't have any back wheels.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It has one in the middle, there.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- So it is a tricycle? - It is a three wheeler.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05It is reminiscent of the original Morgan three wheeler.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10- Ask me what it weighs. - What does it weigh?- 495 kilos.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Less than 500 kilos. - It is only half a car.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16If I sawed my leg off, I would weigh much less than I do now.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I would keep falling over.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21You could pick this up and put it in your pocket.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23It looks like a coal scuttle.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28- I have got to ask, how much? - With taxes and things?- Yes.- £30,000.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- £30,000?! - It would be 40 if it had four wheels.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Did you say it is made from wood?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- That's how Morgan build cars. - Traditional.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42I reckon if you went to Morgan and said, "Would you like some diphtheria?"
0:04:42 > 0:04:44They'd say, "Yes," cos that's traditional.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Wood is light and flexible and endlessly renewable
0:04:47 > 0:04:49and an excellent material to build cars from.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51People don't do it cos you need craftsmen.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55You cannot have some oik pressing a button and stamping them out.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57The Nissan GTR would be worse if it was made of wood.
0:04:57 > 0:05:03The early aeroplanes were made from wood but the Boeing 747 isn't. There's no wood in it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:09Eventually, the producers told us to stop arguing about wood and get on with the first challenge.
0:05:09 > 0:05:14A simple straight-line race from nought to 100 then back to nought again.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Sadly, this led to another dispute.
0:05:18 > 0:05:26- What do you mean, "a Le Mans start"? - On go, we run to our cars, jump in, start them and drive off.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31Running? It is not a school sports day. Will you have an egg and spoon?
0:05:31 > 0:05:36It is two against one. Be ready. Three, two, one, go.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39This is stupid.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42We could have been finished by now.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Hammond has already begun.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53See the torque, there? The mighty 1.9 litre V twin!
0:05:53 > 0:05:58'Sadly, my elderly colleagues were struggling to get going.'
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Very complicated starting procedure.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Mode.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04'Eventually, James was belted in place,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07'a bit too tightly as it turned out.'
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Oh, bloody hell!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Why won't you start?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Stop saying ready to race!
0:06:19 > 0:06:23'Out of pity for their incompetence, I decided to abort.'
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Can I make a suggestion?- What? - We are here to test the cars.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29We're not here to find out who is the fattest.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Or which has the most complicated starting procedure.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Or whose belts are badly adjusted.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- Let's do it normally. - But with the Le Mans start, I won.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Yes, but that is just because you are the fittest.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I won the Le Mans start. Let's do an old man's version.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Do I have to have my foot on the break? Yes!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58I should be all right here. I have the best power-to-weight ratio. I have the fastest car.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Sequential gearbox, good view ahead.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08And three, two, one...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Great start into second.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Boy, did they get away!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21100.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Jeremy has stopped on the way. I will have to go past.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I am not sure that is miles an hour. That might be fuel pressure.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34It was, so we went back to the start line to try again.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Three, two...
0:07:40 > 0:07:43No!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45James went on two.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47This is ridiculous.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49So we lined up for attempt number four.
0:07:49 > 0:07:56How hard can it be for three grown men to see which is the fastest from nought to 100 then back again?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Three, two, one.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05God, it shifts!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Why has that happened?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Is that 100 already?!
0:08:13 > 0:08:14HE LAUGHS
0:08:14 > 0:08:16100.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Why did he break so soon?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Ow!
0:08:26 > 0:08:30As it turned out, James's celebrations were premature.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33He had been reading his speedo in kilometres an hour.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Oh, cock!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Still, it could be worse.
0:08:37 > 0:08:4295. Now there is a corner and going to have to do... Oh!
0:08:44 > 0:08:4770, 80, oh, a corner.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50This is impossible.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54James decided that rather than do the test again,
0:08:54 > 0:08:58he would show his car was the fastest using maths.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I have a sheet of all the facts.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06- Yours weighs almost twice as much as mine.- Yes. Hang on.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11He is still not doing 100.
0:09:11 > 0:09:1375, 80, 85. Aah!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Now the speedo has died.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22It has a better power-to-weight ratio than the Bugatti Veyron.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24517 horsepower per ton.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I was forced to agree with James' conclusions.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30So I came up with a new test.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Cornering is everything and with pushrod-actuated suspension,
0:09:32 > 0:09:36I will go round corners faster than you can.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38And there is no arguing with that.
0:09:38 > 0:09:44There is, actually, because I have had these photographs printed and they are all
0:09:44 > 0:09:48photos of X-bows just after they have done some cornering.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- That one is parked in a tree.- It is hanging from a crane near a tree.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55That is just outside a bend there.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57A ditch near a bend.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Near a corner. Look at that.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Even though there was evidence
0:10:02 > 0:10:05to suggest I would be killed by a cornering test -
0:10:05 > 0:10:11Richard would not fare much better either - the producer said
0:10:11 > 0:10:16we should see which car would be fastest through the old hairpin.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Because we were having such trouble reading our speedos,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21they set up a police-style radar trap.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Why is everything breaking today? - I do not know.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Why doesn't that happen to the police?- It doesn't.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32The NHS computer would not work.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35There is a man who can print out a receipt for us.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38He will tell us the cornering speed.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40With the speed equipment sort of working,
0:10:40 > 0:10:44I set off to disprove James's photographic evidence.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48It is not just the pushrod-actuated suspension,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51it's the tyres that will put me in good stead.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Very sticky tyres.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- I doubt he has a clue what pushrod suspension is.- No idea.
0:11:00 > 0:11:06- And the time is? 69.419 miles an hour.- Is that good?- I have no idea.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Then it was James's turn.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Listen to that. He has gone right up nearly to the red line.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Where does it go? Yes, down here. Here we go.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18He went the right way.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19He was going the right way
0:11:19 > 0:11:22but did you see how far he was from the apex?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- How fast was he?- 59.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26What do we call him? What's his nickname?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Captain Quick.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30It isn't that.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35Finally, Richard took a brave pill and stepped into the tricycle.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37I am so screwed here.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42The wheels! Those are not wide tyres.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46What do they do, the pushrods?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Many things. - They must do something specific.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54They don't make the engine go. What do they do in the suspension?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Make everything better.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Suspension. Yes, yes.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I have some. Some there and some there.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02And a bit back there.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05More than that.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- They're better.- Why? - They just are.- Yes, but why?
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Many reasons.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Come on, my little three-wheeled friend.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Here he comes. Doff your hats.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Roll out the barrel.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21# Any old iron, any old iron Any, any, any old iron... #
0:12:21 > 0:12:26I am going to give it the full Stirling Moss. Ya-a-ah!
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Did you see him clinging on with his elbow?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31You could see the sinews in his arm.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32The sound is from the 1930s.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Did the picture go black and white as he went past?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Wow!
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Hammond, James' fastest time was 59.8. Your fastest time,
0:12:44 > 0:12:4660.4.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Ha-ha! In the Morgan, well done.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54James and I had been greatly looking forward to Richard's car
0:12:54 > 0:12:56falling over in the cornering challenge.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01Since it hadn't, we quickly came up with another idea.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Doughnuts. We're going to see which one of us can do the best doughnuts.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06It was James' idea.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Are you trying to think of challenges that you think my car can't do?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11- Yes.- No.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15The trouble is I didn't think the X-bow would be much good either.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20I am not sure, with these tyres, which are so sticky, that this is going to work.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24SCREECHING
0:13:28 > 0:13:32It's like driving on superglue.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37You do it. 'So he did and he was rather good.'
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- That is a doughnut. - James May doing a doughnut.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48That is like watching a vicar play poker.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Strip poker.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Then came the moment we'd all been waiting for.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Ladies and gentlemen,
0:13:55 > 0:14:00sit back now and get ready to laugh your ears off.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01As Hammond does a dough.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04It only has one wheel so he can't do a full doughNUT.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21How is that possible?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29You didn't expect that, did you?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32It was a stupid test.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Because I won.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40At this point, we decided to abandon the tests
0:14:40 > 0:14:44and do what people do on track days drive.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49This design may be as old as Jeremy,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52but if you are interested in the sensation of driving a car
0:14:52 > 0:14:56and everything that involves, then you will love this.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00I know Jeremy's blathering on about pushrods,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03but this has quite sophisticated suspension as well.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Fully adjustable,
0:15:05 > 0:15:09and let's not forget that Caterham now is an F1 team.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12'In fact, I had only one complaint about my car.'
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Put a windscreen on it!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Oh-ho-ho-ho!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I was expecting it to be quite sudden
0:15:22 > 0:15:24when you get to the limit, but it isn't!
0:15:26 > 0:15:27It's remarkably forgiving.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30But if I've got one criticism of this car,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I'd say it's a bit...safe, a bit soft.
0:15:33 > 0:15:39It's almost like they've edited it to make it easy for everybody.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I'm not entirely sure that this is, strictly speaking,
0:15:44 > 0:15:48a track-day car as such. But God, it's fun!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I'm having more fun than I remember having in a long time, actually.
0:15:52 > 0:15:580-60 in 4.5 seconds, top speed 115mph.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Two big pistons firing away.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Ha-ha-ha!
0:16:12 > 0:16:16On a track day, of course, there's always one absolute rule.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18No racing.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Must get past James!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Must overtake.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Two-litre engine in that Caterham
0:16:25 > 0:16:30is the same basic unit you find in a Ford Galaxy people carrier,
0:16:30 > 0:16:34whereas the two-litre turbo in this is from a Golf GTI.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36It's just better.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Right, now here's the problem.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42James has no spatial awareness at all,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45so there's no way of knowing what he's going to do next.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47What happens next?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Oh, ha-ha!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I might have gone off a bit there.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04RICHARD LAUGHS
0:17:04 > 0:17:09# Jeremy's in the gravel Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha... #
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Oh, ho-ho-ho!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14It is incredible to think that today, you aren't allowed to
0:17:14 > 0:17:17smack a child or ask your dogs to get rid of the rats in the shed,
0:17:17 > 0:17:21and yet you CAN do this!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25100mph, probably.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Just brilliant - you and your mates just belting round
0:17:29 > 0:17:31indulging your passion for cars.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37'And better still, it costs less than a speeding ticket.'
0:17:39 > 0:17:42APPLAUSE
0:17:42 > 0:17:44SPEECH INAUDIBLE
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Anyway! How much fun was that?
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Loads!
0:17:51 > 0:17:56It was brilliant! You pay, what, 100 quid, and you get a day doing 100mph.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- Well, YOU don't. - Look, as a fun car, mine was best.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Hang on a minute, Hammond.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05The idea was to find out which was the best track-day car, yeah?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- And that was mine. - He's right, it was.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- What?- No, it was. Mine... I mean, I know it has
0:18:11 > 0:18:15pushrod activated suspension, which moves the weight in-board and...
0:18:15 > 0:18:17What's the other thing it does?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- By adjusting... - No, I'm not interested.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Er, despite all of that, it feels a bit heavy
0:18:24 > 0:18:26and a bit predictable and a bit boring.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29This is where the Morgan shines. It is exciting and different
0:18:29 > 0:18:32and it vibrates as you drive it.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Mm-hmm. Let me interrupt, if I may.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Who here would like to see The Stig
0:18:36 > 0:18:40attempting to get that Morgan round our track?
0:18:40 > 0:18:41CHEERING
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Play the tape.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49And he's off. The single rear wheel fighting for grip.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- Never seen anything as ridiculous as that in my whole life.- Looks great.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Where's he going there?! Oh, he nearly lost it!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- But he's held it together. - Look at that!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Yes, he's made it round the first corner.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06There he is, looking terrified. As he comes into Chicago.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11- Oh, he's drifting it!- He is actually drifting it, you're right.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Be interesting to see what happens in Hammerhead. Here we are.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18That little 1.9-litre twin-cylinder engine's got so much torque,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21they had to invent and fit something called a radial deflection damper
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- so it didn't lunch the Mazda MX5 gearbox.- Really.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29- Yes.- OK, well he must be up to at least 45mph now.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33No, he's changing down for the Follow-through, to maybe 40.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Yeah, but he's having fun!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Missing the dent there, so he doesn't break his spine,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40if indeed he's got a spine.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Whoa!
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Struggling to... He's missed the apex there quite badly.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Only Gambon to go - can he make it round there without incident?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Yes...no, wait! He's lost it!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53And across the line backwards!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I have the times.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Now, the Caterham, as we know, cos it's been around before,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07did a 1:17.9.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11The X-bow we ran this morning, 1:27 dead.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- And the Morgan... - CLEARS THROAT
0:20:14 > 0:20:16..1:40...
0:20:16 > 0:20:19point 4, which is the same as one year.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21It's pathetic.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24That is the fastest three-wheeler we've ever had round our track.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27The only other three-wheeler we ever had was the Reliant Robin,
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- and he fell over in that in the first corner.- And that was faster.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35So there we are. The Morgan is faster than a Reliant Robin.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Anyway, we will be picking that up again later on,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41so if you want to see us endure the most dreadful misery,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45please stick with us. But now, it's the news.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Right, listen. I have got a photograph of
0:20:47 > 0:20:50the replacement for the Ferrari 599, here it is.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- It's called the F12 Berlinetta. - CROWD GASPS
0:20:54 > 0:20:56It's smaller than a 599,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59which is a good thing, it's also lighter and more powerful.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04It's got a 730-horsepower V12.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Wow.- 730!- V12?- V12!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Are you not the same Mr So-Called Jeremy Clarkson
0:21:11 > 0:21:13who on this programme but a month ago,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16driving the Lamborghini Aventador,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18said, "This is the last of the V12s. From now on,
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- "all engines will have turbos on them."- You did say that. - I did say that.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- And now how do you feel? - Foolish. I did say.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- You were really unequivocal on that. - I was unequivocal, but I was wrong.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- Yes.- For the first time since 1974.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Ooh, hey, listen. Hammond and I went to Moscow last weekend.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40- It wasn't a honeymoon thing.- No, more a spur-of-the-minute thing.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42We weren't hand-holding or anything like that.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45There was some ice skating going on in Red Square,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47we thought we'd go and have a look at this.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49But there was...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51The only gap in the fence where you could see, Audi,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54as a marketing thing, had parked a Q3 there, so we couldn't see.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57So never mind, somebody told us about this bar, OK?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01So 12th-story bar, and it overlooked the Kremlin and Red Square and Basil's.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04We thought big picture windows, we'll have a look.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07So we went all the way over there, climbed up the top.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Now, Hammond took a picture of the view we had - here it is.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11It was another...
0:22:11 > 0:22:14You can actually see bits of the Kremlin,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17but mostly you could just see the stupid Audi Q3.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18We hadn't gone to see that!
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Somebody at Audi has obviously thought,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24"All these people are going to these places to look at things,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27"so let's have them look at our cars!"
0:22:27 > 0:22:28You are not joking.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I've got a photo here of the players' tunnel at Old Trafford.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- There you go.- In the way!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Giggs and Pearce there - or whatever his name is, that ginger.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- But you can't see him cos there's an Audi in the way!- Exactly.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I've got another picture of the Grand Canyon.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- These are real pictures! - It's not just cars either.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Fancy having a look at the Sydney Opera House? Here it is.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Oh, no! YOu can't see it, there's... What are they doing?!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53We parked our boat in front of it! What worries me
0:22:53 > 0:22:56is how many views in the world that they could still ruin.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Here's the Taj Mahal.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I've always fancied seeing the Pyramids.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- But you can't.- There you are.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Or the scene from Basic Instinct. There you go.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Once again, an Audi in the way of what you actually want to see.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14OK. A couple of weeks ago, the three of us went motor-racing,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17for something you'll see in next week's show. I bring it up now
0:23:17 > 0:23:21because I discovered while racing against Hammond that he is actually Alain Prost.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Really?- You mean like The Professor, calculating and...
0:23:24 > 0:23:25No, not that, no.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29What I mean is, when he has lost the corner to a superior driver,
0:23:29 > 0:23:33he tries to ram that driver off the road.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- I did not!- You did!- I remember the corner. I rubbed you, at most.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39You rubbed me like David Haye rubbed that man in Germany.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- That wasn't rubbing, mate!- I ran a bit... I leaned on you at most.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- I ran a bit wide. - Now hang on a minute.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Because I wasn't in this race,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49but I was watching it from a grassy knoll, and...
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- I was! I think Hammond behaved correctly.- Thank you.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- I did.- There were on-board cameras in his car,
0:23:56 > 0:24:00so next week, we'll have a look at the footage, and you'll see.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04You're right, the on-board footage will be key to it, but I will be the steward.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I shall adjudicate.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- I'm not having you judging.- What? - You can't play a game of Monopoly without cheating.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- No, you can't. He did cheat at Monopoly.- I played these two and he cheated!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- We played for four hours and you cheated!- I did not cheat!
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- You ruined the game! You robbed the bank!- There was a...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24There was a bank robbery. You don't get those in Monopoly,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27and I thought it would make it more authentic if the bank was robbed.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30You stole it! So you're a cheat, a liar and a burglar!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33If I'm going to use a judge for this motoring incident,
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I'm going to use Ofcom, because they are wise.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Don't go there. Don't go there. - And you,
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- you are going to be shot in front of your family. - LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- Something, it turns out, you can say on television.- Oh, for God's sake!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Yeah, what you've done there, Jeremy, is taken leg out of the bear trap,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50turned round and put your head in instead. Donk!
0:24:50 > 0:24:55- You're an idiot.- Anyway, that is the end of the news. Now,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57matters more serious.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Back in the Second World War, the Top Gear test track was home,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03at one stage, to a squadron of Spitfires.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06And the skies above it were a giant blue canvas on which
0:25:06 > 0:25:08the brave airmen, British and German,
0:25:08 > 0:25:13could weave their feathered artistry using contrails and phosphorous.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15It must have been incredible.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Suddenly we heard the drone of planes behind us.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Turned round and saw a line of four fighters,
0:25:23 > 0:25:28and tracer bullets from machine guns and pom-poms were cutting through the air.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32There was beauty. There was death. There was skill.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36And then there was the soundtrack...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38ENGINE ROARS
0:25:38 > 0:25:41..which today is back.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47ENGINE WHINES
0:25:47 > 0:25:50ENGINE STARTS
0:25:52 > 0:25:57What you're listening to here is a 46-litre BMW V12,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00an engine that was originally used
0:26:00 > 0:26:02to power the Heinkel He 111 bomber.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Only, as you can see here, it's being used now to power a car.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17The car they call the Brutus.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Well, when I say "car",
0:26:25 > 0:26:31the chassis is actually taken from a 1907 New York fire engine.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35The chain drive from a machine the Devil uses to rotisserie
0:26:35 > 0:26:37those who displease him.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39And the brakes, well, they exist
0:26:39 > 0:26:44only really in the imagination of the madman who built this thing.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50A man so mad, he's going to let me
0:26:50 > 0:26:54take his extraordinary creation for a spin.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57First, you pull on the fuel pumps.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02- These are these two buttons above the ignition.- Yep.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- Then you have to pull out this button.- What's that one?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- This is the decompression. - Oh, Christ, right!
0:27:09 > 0:27:14And then you have to start with the black button.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15ENGINE STARTS
0:27:15 > 0:27:17A little gas.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23ENGINE ROARS
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Whoa!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31All the explosions are happening on the outside of the engine.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
0:27:51 > 0:27:57'Almost immediately, Brutus began to spit hot oil into my face.'
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Aaah! What was that?!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03'And that was just the start of my problems.'
0:28:03 > 0:28:09Oh! There's so much torque and so little grip from the rear wheels,
0:28:09 > 0:28:16that if you even go near the throttle, you get massive wheelspin.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21Look at that. Oh, this is so complicated!
0:28:21 > 0:28:25All the controls are on the outside of the car
0:28:25 > 0:28:26and the pedals are the wrong way round.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29It's like trying to do a crossword puzzle
0:28:29 > 0:28:32while you're being eaten by a tiger!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35No brakes, nothing. No.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39No point using the brakes, they don't work.
0:28:41 > 0:28:42Turn! Turn, you brute!
0:28:42 > 0:28:46No, that's the wrong pedal!
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Yes, that's the throttle, that's good.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Basically, this is Sodom and Gomorrah with a steering wheel.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54That's what it is.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00'Plainly, then, putting an aeroplane engine in a car is idiotic.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03'Or is it?'
0:29:06 > 0:29:10'To the casual observer, this looks like a '20s Bentley.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13'A car that won Le Mans four times.
0:29:13 > 0:29:18'A car Ettore Bugatti called "the fastest lorry in the world".'
0:29:20 > 0:29:23'But actually, it was built last year,
0:29:23 > 0:29:26'in Devon, by a man called Bob.'
0:29:29 > 0:29:33He and his little team hand-crafted the aluminium body
0:29:33 > 0:29:35and the wooden frame.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39The chassis is from a 1930 Rolls-Royce Phantom, and the brakes?
0:29:39 > 0:29:43Well, they're big modern discs, which are needed,
0:29:43 > 0:29:45because of what's under the bonnet.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52'In essence, that's the same 27-litre V12
0:29:52 > 0:29:56'that you would find in the front of a Spitfire.'
0:29:59 > 0:30:04ENGINE ROARS
0:30:10 > 0:30:14Right. 64 litres of coolant
0:30:14 > 0:30:20and 54 litres of engine oil are now circulating and warming up.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22What a thing.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Here we go.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26We've got a gear there.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31'It may have modern brakes and power steering
0:30:31 > 0:30:36'and an automatic gearbox, but from behind the wheel...'
0:30:36 > 0:30:39God Almighty!
0:30:39 > 0:30:42'..it feels about as modern as James May's shoe-cleaning kit.'
0:30:43 > 0:30:46What I'm doing now is driving.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50In a modern car you just sit there and things happen. Not in this!
0:30:52 > 0:30:56Massive sensory overload as you drive around in it.
0:30:56 > 0:31:00And towering above everything is the knowledge
0:31:00 > 0:31:05that up there, under that bonnet, is the engine from a Spitfire!
0:31:06 > 0:31:09Putting a Spitfire engine in a car
0:31:09 > 0:31:13is like putting a whole Jolokia chilli in a boiled egg.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15You're going to notice.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18And you do.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20You really do!
0:31:22 > 0:31:28They say it has a top speed of 160mph.
0:31:29 > 0:31:34'But can it really be faster than the insane Brutus?
0:31:34 > 0:31:36'Time, I think, for a drag race.'
0:31:37 > 0:31:41So. England vs Germany. Again.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50Three, two, one... Scramble!
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Here we go. Oh, yeah.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:31:59 > 0:32:03He's got 750 horsepower, I've got 650.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07My car weighs three tons, his weighs 2.4.
0:32:07 > 0:32:12He's got 46,000CC,
0:32:12 > 0:32:14I've only got 27,000. But look!
0:32:18 > 0:32:22Of course, it could be down to the skill of the Tommy pilots.
0:32:22 > 0:32:27'So what about manoeuvrability? What about the corners?
0:32:27 > 0:32:30'Well, let's cue the music and find out.'
0:32:32 > 0:32:39Ahoy! I am Robert Shaw, and once again, Dunsfold is
0:32:39 > 0:32:43echoing to the sound of an Anglo-German dogfight.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52At this precise moment
0:32:52 > 0:32:57I would gladly swap my automatic gearbox for eight Brownings.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59Da-ga-da-ga-da-ga!
0:32:59 > 0:33:03Truth be told, this was a walkover.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06The Brutus won't stop and it won't corner.
0:33:06 > 0:33:07Come on, Jerry!
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Whereas the Bentley will.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Come on! Oh, yes.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14HE CHUCKLES
0:33:18 > 0:33:20This is a car you really have to drive.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23You have to take it by the scruff of the neck.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25You steer it using the throttle.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28If you want to get the back end out, there's only one way to do so,
0:33:28 > 0:33:31and that's to give it a bootful of power. There you go.
0:33:33 > 0:33:37This is one of those cars where the greatness is measured
0:33:37 > 0:33:40only in the diameter
0:33:40 > 0:33:43of the driver's testicles.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48I love this thing. I love it!
0:33:52 > 0:33:55The fact is, the Brutus was built for fun,
0:33:55 > 0:33:57to be a fairground attraction.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01It's just the Germans displaying their usual sense of humour.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06The Bentley, though, is typically British. It's much more serious.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09It's also exquisitely finished.
0:34:09 > 0:34:13The map light, for example, is from a Lancaster bomber.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15The aviator's rear-view mirror
0:34:15 > 0:34:18incorporates an altimeter and an air temperature gauge.
0:34:18 > 0:34:23This isn't a toy or a fairground attraction. It's a real car.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26It even has squidgy carpets.
0:34:26 > 0:34:31And it's road legal. You could, says Devon Bob, use it every day.
0:34:33 > 0:34:38If you did do that, I can imagine there might be one or two issues.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40It's very cold in here.
0:34:40 > 0:34:45I'd imagine it's very hard to park and it is quite conspicuous.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49It wouldn't really work if you were, say, a private detective.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53People are going to notice you following them.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56Then there's the fuel consumption.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00Realistically, it's going to do two miles to the gallon.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02Three at a pinch.
0:35:02 > 0:35:07And filling the tank would cost £420.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12Plus there's the cost of buying the thing in the first place.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15It's £500,000.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20The thing is, though, if you have that kind of money,
0:35:20 > 0:35:24you could put it in the bank and get half a percent interest
0:35:24 > 0:35:28and wake up every morning terrified that the bank had gone bust.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31Or you could spend it on one of these.
0:35:33 > 0:35:39Frankly, that's the easiest decision you'd ever have to make.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:35:53 > 0:35:55No, hang on.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58I'm not sure it is the easiest decision.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02You know that Eagle E-Type Speedster we had on the show last year?
0:36:02 > 0:36:07- Yeah?- That's half a million quid as well. So which would you have?
0:36:07 > 0:36:12- I'd still have this, I'm afraid. - It's very you.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14It's very desirable.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17I know what you mean but I think I'd rather have the Eagle.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21It's very close. That's magnificent. Anyway, that's by the by.
0:36:21 > 0:36:26Now it's time to find out how fast both these magnificent machines go round our track,
0:36:26 > 0:36:30which of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34Some say that he stores all his shoes and his cassette tapes
0:36:34 > 0:36:36on the motorway central reservation.
0:36:36 > 0:36:37LAUGHTER
0:36:37 > 0:36:41And that since he can easily stay quiet for two hours,
0:36:41 > 0:36:43he's wondering why he didn't win an Oscar!
0:36:43 > 0:36:46All we know is he's called The Stig!
0:36:46 > 0:36:48APPLAUSE
0:36:48 > 0:36:50And they're off.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Popping and spluttering away from the line,
0:36:53 > 0:36:56fuelled by fire and lashings of hot brimstone.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00Moving at a stately pace up to the first corner.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Brutus is sliding.
0:37:02 > 0:37:06Stig actually has to look through the steering wheel of that thing.
0:37:06 > 0:37:10Not a problem since he can also see through walls...and clothes.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14OK. Coming through Chicago, not looking fast
0:37:14 > 0:37:16but still rather splendid all the same.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20So down now to the Hammerhead. This could be interesting.
0:37:20 > 0:37:24Everything we've had on the track this week basically had pram wheels.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29Both got a bit of a drift on. Brutus is smoking.
0:37:29 > 0:37:30Is Jerry hit?
0:37:30 > 0:37:33No, it's just that massive engine expressing its fury.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38OK, follow-through. A chance to really open them up.
0:37:38 > 0:37:42Stig knows this sound well from when he was a Spitfire pilot.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Look at that. There they go!
0:37:44 > 0:37:49This does beg the question, if the Bentley is capable of 160,
0:37:49 > 0:37:51how long would you need to get there?
0:37:51 > 0:37:56Coming to the second to last corner. Still going nicely.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59Gambon, two cathedrals going through that there!
0:37:59 > 0:38:01And here we go across the line.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:04 > 0:38:07I have the times here.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10The Brutus did it
0:38:10 > 0:38:14in 2:02.5.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16So that's down there, second to last.
0:38:16 > 0:38:1916 minutes in front of the pedal-powered Porsche.
0:38:19 > 0:38:23The Spitfire Bentley, 1:50.3.
0:38:25 > 0:38:29So 10 seconds faster and amazingly slower than Hammond's tricycle,
0:38:29 > 0:38:31which is staggering. What?
0:38:31 > 0:38:34Before we go on. Is that actually a supercharger?
0:38:34 > 0:38:38It's an oil cooler made to look like a supercharger so it looks like a Blower Bentley.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41- So this isn't a supercharged engine? - No, it isn't.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44- But a Spitfire's Merlin was supercharged.- But this isn't.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48Then that's the Meteor - the same engine but the land-based version.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51- Yes.- The un-supercharged one. - Yes.- And this obviously...
0:38:51 > 0:38:54Once again, we don't have time for your lecture
0:38:54 > 0:38:56on all aeroplanes since 1941!
0:38:56 > 0:38:58LAUGHTER
0:38:58 > 0:39:01I'm sorry, but we do have to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04Now, my guest tonight has a farm in the Cotswolds
0:39:04 > 0:39:08where he makes cheese and yet weirdly he's been chosen to headline
0:39:08 > 0:39:12the closing concert at this year's Olympic Games.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16Ladies and gentlemen, from Blur, Alex James!
0:39:16 > 0:39:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:21 > 0:39:22Have a seat.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24ALEX GROANS
0:39:26 > 0:39:30- Now, first of all...- I need coffee. My heart is beating like a train.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33- That is absolutely terrifying. - Being on the track?
0:39:33 > 0:39:35Oh, man. The Stig said just relax.
0:39:35 > 0:39:40Sit in a steel cage with a crash helmet on and drive really fast...
0:39:40 > 0:39:43And relax! Easy-peasy lemon squeezy.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46I wanted to begin by congratulating you heartily
0:39:46 > 0:39:48on your Lifetime Achievement Award.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50Thank you very much!
0:39:50 > 0:39:55At the BRITs. It must have been something else.
0:39:55 > 0:40:00Well, it was utterly magnificent to get back together
0:40:00 > 0:40:02and smash those songs out again.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05Were you aware while up on stage, banging out tunes,
0:40:05 > 0:40:07that ITV had gone through the credits
0:40:07 > 0:40:11and we were watching an advert for panty liners and the news?
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Did anyone see that? Were you watching the BRITs?
0:40:13 > 0:40:16They just cut it. How many songs did we miss?
0:40:16 > 0:40:18No idea. I was just up there rocking.
0:40:18 > 0:40:22They cut you off. I wanted to watch Blur but we couldn't.
0:40:22 > 0:40:26Of course you are getting back together because of the Olympics.
0:40:26 > 0:40:31The Olympics Closing Ceremony Celebration Concert is its full name.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33That's in Hyde Park?
0:40:33 > 0:40:37Yes. It's not the Olympics. It's sort of a people's version.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Nobody managed to get tickets for the Olympics, have they?
0:40:40 > 0:40:42LAUGHTER
0:40:42 > 0:40:43Who else is playing?
0:40:43 > 0:40:47We've got The Specials and New Order. All our favourite bands.
0:40:47 > 0:40:51That's going to be August 12th and it's all sold out
0:40:51 > 0:40:54- and we have a new song to unveil. - You have a new song?
0:40:54 > 0:40:58Yeah. I listened to it this morning. It's like a hymn, a real tearjerker.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Fantastic. Look forward to that.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04It all began, your show business career, when you were a Scout.
0:41:04 > 0:41:08It did, in a Gang Show. I had to dress up as Big Brownie.
0:41:08 > 0:41:12It was quite a big part. It was actually very good training.
0:41:12 > 0:41:16If you dressed up as a Brownie in front of everyone, you're not scared of Jeremy Paxman.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18LAUGHTER
0:41:18 > 0:41:21- How was the scoutmaster? - He did film it.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25He what?! He filmed you as a Brownie?
0:41:25 > 0:41:28A little bit, yeah. I never saw the film.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Obviously after you'd been a Brownie
0:41:30 > 0:41:35you did hit the show business life hard with Blur.
0:41:35 > 0:41:40Well, I think things were different in those days.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42It gives you everything you want when you're young,
0:41:42 > 0:41:44being in a kick-ass rock 'n' roll band.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48Lots of travel, lots of girls, lots of booze.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52What was that birthday party in Mexico that I read about in your first book?
0:41:52 > 0:41:54Go to bed, kids.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Now!
0:41:56 > 0:41:58Yeah, your children.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01You go to bed while Daddy tells us all about his birthday party.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04- Where was it? Mexico? - Yeah. Great food in Mexico.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07LAUGHTER
0:42:07 > 0:42:10This is like Hammerhead. I'm looking for the exit!
0:42:10 > 0:42:13How far into your career with Blur was it
0:42:13 > 0:42:17that the fans discovered that your first love was cheese?
0:42:17 > 0:42:22Oh, before... I mean... It was well known. I was well known for enjoying cheese.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25In Smash Hits it said "Alex likes cheese".
0:42:25 > 0:42:29- It was like the one word thing to describe me.- Cheese?- Cheese.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32Yeah. I mean, they threw it at me in Japan,
0:42:32 > 0:42:35where it comes in tins!
0:42:35 > 0:42:41- I'm not here to plug your book but it's all Cheeses Great And Small, yeah?- Yes.
0:42:41 > 0:42:46You paint this fantastic picture of becoming a farmer, which is what you now are.
0:42:46 > 0:42:50I guess it's a love story, really.
0:42:50 > 0:42:55I was very much a man of the city and a nocturnal creature.
0:42:55 > 0:43:00Then I met a girl, fell in love with her and we got married very quickly
0:43:00 > 0:43:06and thought it would be a really good idea to buy a farm on our honeymoon.
0:43:06 > 0:43:11I very quickly realised I didn't know very much about farming.
0:43:11 > 0:43:15- How's it gone? Well? - I absolutely love it.
0:43:15 > 0:43:19So many musicians do end up living on farms.
0:43:19 > 0:43:22It's sort of natural habitat.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25The toys are quite good. You get a tractor.
0:43:25 > 0:43:30I haven't got a tractor. I've got a mini digger that's a Cabriolet.
0:43:30 > 0:43:31LAUGHTER
0:43:31 > 0:43:35It has an open cab. I had a dumper this weekend, a three-foot dumper.
0:43:35 > 0:43:39- £96.25.- What?- For the weekend, including VAT.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42LAUGHTER
0:43:42 > 0:43:44You really have got into the whole thing.
0:43:44 > 0:43:49Your car history, that's not so brilliant, looking into it.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51- What are you talking about?- Come on!
0:43:51 > 0:43:55Tell the ladies and gentlemen what your first car was.
0:43:55 > 0:43:58It was a chocolate-brown Austin
0:43:58 > 0:44:01Allegro estate!
0:44:01 > 0:44:05There's another word for that kind of brown as well.
0:44:05 > 0:44:08And the first three letters of the registration were URD
0:44:08 > 0:44:11and it was known as the Turd Machine!
0:44:11 > 0:44:16And it is the best car I have ever, ever had because...
0:44:16 > 0:44:19This is going to be the longest "because" in history.
0:44:19 > 0:44:22No, because of what it gave me.
0:44:22 > 0:44:27As a teenager, it's freedom, it's romance, it's somewhere to smoke.
0:44:27 > 0:44:33You're absolutely right. After Blur, you got rid of the Allegro?
0:44:33 > 0:44:37Yes. Doing world tours, you spend so much of your time in airports.
0:44:37 > 0:44:41It's hard to describe. Well, it's easy to describe! Many hours a day.
0:44:41 > 0:44:45If you're in Belgium today, Frankfurt tomorrow,
0:44:45 > 0:44:48Lucerne the day after, it's a lot of airports.
0:44:48 > 0:44:51The drummer and I went halves on a Cessna.
0:44:51 > 0:44:57- You went from an Allegro to an aeroplane?- Yeah! Half a Cessna.
0:44:57 > 0:45:02Sounds quite glamorous, maybe, but it was like a flying Allegro.
0:45:02 > 0:45:07It wasn't posh. It didn't even have a GPS. It was amazing.
0:45:07 > 0:45:10How do you navigate?
0:45:10 > 0:45:12A longwave radio that picks up Morse code signals.
0:45:12 > 0:45:17- So you can do Morse code? - Uh-huh. That's A!
0:45:17 > 0:45:21Is it? Don't tell James. You'll be here for a week.
0:45:21 > 0:45:25We've established it was Allegro.
0:45:25 > 0:45:28- Allegro, half a Cessna.- Half a Cessna, which was like an Allegro.
0:45:28 > 0:45:34After that, well, I've got a van now, a black van. Five kids. Nice.
0:45:34 > 0:45:38- A van?- It's a black Mercedes Viano.
0:45:38 > 0:45:42It's got eight seats, which is room for five kids and Granny.
0:45:42 > 0:45:46- TV screens?- No, not TV screens.
0:45:46 > 0:45:50I think it's really important for children to get bored in cars.
0:45:50 > 0:45:51LAUGHTER
0:45:51 > 0:45:56That's how I really got into music, listening to the top 40 in the car on a Sunday afternoon.
0:45:56 > 0:46:00- But no TV screens for the kids? - Oh, deary me, no. No.
0:46:00 > 0:46:06I rang you last night to see if you were ready to come down and do this show
0:46:06 > 0:46:09and you were playing this track on a computer game.
0:46:09 > 0:46:12- I couldn't get it in time.- Oh, no!
0:46:12 > 0:46:15I wanted to do it on the Xbox.
0:46:15 > 0:46:19- How did you prepare to do this, then?- I just had six cups of coffee!
0:46:19 > 0:46:21LAUGHTER
0:46:21 > 0:46:23Who would like to see Alex's lap?
0:46:23 > 0:46:25- AUDIENCE: Yes! - Let's have a look.
0:46:25 > 0:46:27Play the tape and here we go.
0:46:27 > 0:46:29TYRES SQUEAL
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Once again, we're off.
0:46:31 > 0:46:36This is how we get the groceries in, in my house!
0:46:36 > 0:46:39Actually, where are you going?
0:46:40 > 0:46:44Braking, accelerating, turning in, all manner of things.
0:46:44 > 0:46:46Oh, dear. Too wide.
0:46:46 > 0:46:48Bit too wide but not too bad.
0:46:48 > 0:46:49Oh, nuts!
0:46:49 > 0:46:51CHUCKLING
0:46:51 > 0:46:55Now that is wide! Yeah, you could catch a bus to the Apex there.
0:46:56 > 0:47:00# Mamma mia
0:47:00 > 0:47:03# Now I really know... #
0:47:05 > 0:47:10Second week on the trot we've had somebody singing their way round the Hammerhead.
0:47:11 > 0:47:14Just about kept it in the lines.
0:47:14 > 0:47:18Tortured tyres. Poor old Cee'd.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21Come on. Let's rock, baby. Whoo-hoo!
0:47:21 > 0:47:26- Follow-through. Were you flat out through there?- Yes.- Good.
0:47:26 > 0:47:30- Were you flat out through there? - Yes, yeah. That's hairy.
0:47:30 > 0:47:33Excellent. Avoiding the uncomfortable bump
0:47:33 > 0:47:37and into the second to last corner. Wobbly on the way in... Oh!
0:47:40 > 0:47:44I'm afraid I have to explain this. We allowed the lap this week
0:47:44 > 0:47:46to be edited by ITV...
0:47:46 > 0:47:48LAUGHTER
0:47:49 > 0:47:52APPLAUSE
0:47:52 > 0:47:56..so we'll never know what happened at the end.
0:47:57 > 0:48:02So, anyway, um... I've got the time, don't you worry about that.
0:48:02 > 0:48:06Where do you think you've come on the board?
0:48:06 > 0:48:09- It was wide, it was noisy, it was...- It was wide and noisy
0:48:09 > 0:48:11and a lot of tyre squeal, which indicates
0:48:11 > 0:48:14the tyres are making a noise rather than getting you going.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17Yeah, I... You know, I think, bottom half, but...
0:48:17 > 0:48:20Near Bob Geldof, that's comfortable. Al Murray.
0:48:20 > 0:48:25Near Bob Geldof, that's a 1.48. OK, well, Alex James you did it...
0:48:25 > 0:48:27in 1...
0:48:27 > 0:48:29- 45...- Ooh.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31..point 2, so you're way ahead
0:48:31 > 0:48:34of where you thought you were going to be!
0:48:34 > 0:48:36You are, in fact...
0:48:39 > 0:48:41..level with Cameron Diaz.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44APPLAUSE
0:48:44 > 0:48:46So, just tell us -
0:48:46 > 0:48:49is there going to be an album? (Tell us, tell us...)
0:48:49 > 0:48:54- No, there's not.- Just this one song that you're going to be performing at the Olympics?
0:48:54 > 0:48:57Well, well done for that, for the Lifetime Achievement award
0:48:57 > 0:48:59and of course, most of all, well done for that.
0:48:59 > 0:49:01- Ladies and gentlemen, Alex James. - Thank you.
0:49:01 > 0:49:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:49:07 > 0:49:08Now,
0:49:08 > 0:49:12earlier on, we found out which of these -
0:49:12 > 0:49:15the £30,000 Morgan three-wheeler,
0:49:15 > 0:49:20the £40,000 Caterham R500, or the £50,000 KTM X-Bow -
0:49:20 > 0:49:23made the most convincing track-day car.
0:49:23 > 0:49:27LAUGHTER Thing is, if you're going to spend that much money on a car,
0:49:27 > 0:49:30you want it to do something else.
0:49:30 > 0:49:34Can they? For instance, could you use them to go to work?
0:49:34 > 0:49:36We decided to find out.
0:49:36 > 0:49:37LAUGHTER
0:49:39 > 0:49:42Getting to work would involve going from London
0:49:42 > 0:49:46to just south of Guildford. It's about 40 miles.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49MUSIC: "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who
0:49:50 > 0:49:52Right.
0:49:54 > 0:49:57Now, as we know, once a man is past the age of 28,
0:49:57 > 0:50:02he may not, under any circumstances, drive through a built-up area
0:50:02 > 0:50:04with the roof down on his convertible car,
0:50:04 > 0:50:07but I have no roof. I have no choice.
0:50:07 > 0:50:10And what I'm saying to onlookers is, "Driving is my hobby,
0:50:10 > 0:50:12"I'm very keen on it."
0:50:12 > 0:50:15And that's a bit like a keen angler
0:50:15 > 0:50:18going to work in some waders.
0:50:23 > 0:50:25The difficult thing about driving a Caterham
0:50:25 > 0:50:28in slow-moving traffic like this is not the clutch,
0:50:28 > 0:50:30or the gearbox or anything like that.
0:50:30 > 0:50:33It's that you feel a... A bit of a berk, if you're honest.
0:50:33 > 0:50:36I mean, a lot of people will be driving past
0:50:36 > 0:50:38and their children will be saying,
0:50:38 > 0:50:41"Daddy, why's that man's car's windscreen fallen off?"
0:50:43 > 0:50:45Morning, Jason. You all right?
0:50:45 > 0:50:49Obviously, I know everybody in Hammersmith.
0:50:53 > 0:50:57I feel some people may be making character judgements
0:50:57 > 0:51:00based on the RAF roundels and pretend bullet-holes,
0:51:00 > 0:51:05scantily clad ladies adorning my three-wheeled car.
0:51:05 > 0:51:07The fact is, I'm not really a fighter pilot,
0:51:07 > 0:51:12nobody has ever shot bullets at this car, they're just stick-on.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15Ah. Speed humps, let's... Woo-hoo! Ooh, yeah.
0:51:15 > 0:51:18The front two wheels, sort of, went either side of it,
0:51:18 > 0:51:22but the middle wheel at the back... Eurgh. ..puts me out a bit.
0:51:22 > 0:51:23Eurgh.
0:51:25 > 0:51:30Just outside London, we met up at a service station to compare notes.
0:51:30 > 0:51:33- Is this the worst trip to work you've ever had?- Not so far.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35Mine's the most embarrassing.
0:51:36 > 0:51:39If you were going to work today to a factory that you owned
0:51:39 > 0:51:42to lay off ALL of the staff... JEREMY LAUGHS
0:51:42 > 0:51:44..my car would not be the car to make that journey in.
0:51:44 > 0:51:50Or, "I'm going to have to tell that patient the news is not good."
0:51:50 > 0:51:52- Or if you were a funeral director. - No. No, no.
0:51:52 > 0:51:55- "I'm very sorry about your loss." - HE MIMICS ENGINE REVVING
0:51:55 > 0:51:56'Since we were in no hurry
0:51:56 > 0:51:59'to get back on display in the rush hour traffic,
0:51:59 > 0:52:02'I decided to kill some time with a little challenge.'
0:52:02 > 0:52:06If you can start that car with that key,
0:52:06 > 0:52:08I will give you this crisp £10 note.
0:52:08 > 0:52:12- How long have I got? - Long as you like. Take a week.
0:52:12 > 0:52:16It can't be that hard. There'll be an immobiliser button somewhere.
0:52:18 > 0:52:20- So, is there a hole for this key? - Oh, yes.
0:52:20 > 0:52:23Right. So, they'll have... Let's think about this.
0:52:23 > 0:52:26- They'll have put it somewhere... - Does it go in there?- What, like that?
0:52:26 > 0:52:29I seriously want to try and do it. Yeah. Yeah.
0:52:29 > 0:52:32I think THAT'S going to have something to do with it.
0:52:32 > 0:52:35- Well, it does. It says, "Ignition on."- Right. Hang on.
0:52:36 > 0:52:37Stopwatch, lights...
0:52:37 > 0:52:39- HORN HONKS - Horn.
0:52:43 > 0:52:44Cold.
0:52:44 > 0:52:47- Let's face it... - Have you got the clutch?- Yes.
0:52:47 > 0:52:50- So, I think "mode"...- No. - ..could have something to do...
0:52:50 > 0:52:51But that does set the ignition.
0:52:51 > 0:52:55- No, there's another button in there which is ve...- Yeah!
0:52:55 > 0:52:58So, that button says start, but that could be a trick.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01It IS a trick. Now press "stop".
0:53:01 > 0:53:02A-ha! Right.
0:53:02 > 0:53:06- So you press "stop" first... - Yes.- ..and then "start"?
0:53:06 > 0:53:08"Mode".
0:53:08 > 0:53:10Oh, this is idiotic.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13It's perfectly straightforward. Ignition on,
0:53:13 > 0:53:17key in, press "stop" till there's a clonk.
0:53:17 > 0:53:19Press "mode" once it says, "Ready to race,"
0:53:19 > 0:53:21then put your foot on the clutch,
0:53:21 > 0:53:23then the brake FULLY down,
0:53:23 > 0:53:26THEN press start, then it begins.
0:53:26 > 0:53:28The "stop" being the button to start it, is,
0:53:28 > 0:53:31with the best will in the world, a bit misleading.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35And a mad starting procedure
0:53:35 > 0:53:38is only one of many things wrong with Jeremy's X-Bow.
0:53:38 > 0:53:42The turning circle's just shocking. Oh, God.
0:53:45 > 0:53:46Come on!
0:53:48 > 0:53:53By the time we were back on the A3, the weather had changed.
0:53:53 > 0:53:55RAIN HISSES
0:53:55 > 0:53:57No! No, it's raining!
0:53:59 > 0:54:01RAIN PATTERS ON MIC
0:54:05 > 0:54:08It's hurting my face. It's agony.
0:54:10 > 0:54:13Ow! Ow, ow, ow!
0:54:13 > 0:54:16Ow and mega-ow!
0:54:17 > 0:54:22Oh, God. I need a hat or some... Oh, Jesus wept.
0:54:24 > 0:54:27My right hand is completely frozen. It's just a claw.
0:54:27 > 0:54:30Also, there are holes in the floor behind the pedals,
0:54:30 > 0:54:34and all the air, and the wind,
0:54:34 > 0:54:38and the rain is going up my trouser legs.
0:54:38 > 0:54:41Also, rain is running off my jacket into my lap.
0:54:41 > 0:54:45None of these things are good news for my genitalia,
0:54:45 > 0:54:47which has run away.
0:54:54 > 0:54:57If you're watching, Caterham... Heater.
0:54:57 > 0:54:59And windscreen!
0:55:00 > 0:55:04'BBC London, 94.9...'
0:55:04 > 0:55:08'And finally, the weather. It's not looking good out there, I'm afraid,
0:55:08 > 0:55:10'with a maximum temperature of just one degree Celsius,
0:55:10 > 0:55:14'and the rain is expected to get heavier as the day goes on.'
0:55:18 > 0:55:20Oh...
0:55:20 > 0:55:23I am going to have treble pneumonia.
0:55:25 > 0:55:27There's going to be no doubt about that.
0:55:29 > 0:55:31'We were all so miserable,
0:55:31 > 0:55:35'we decided that even shopping would be preferable.'
0:55:40 > 0:55:43I just hope I can still do the seatbelts up.
0:55:43 > 0:55:45What? Oh, my seat's wet.
0:55:49 > 0:55:51THEY LAUGH
0:55:51 > 0:55:52Chaps.
0:55:52 > 0:55:54Are you on motor-bicycles?
0:55:54 > 0:55:58- Are they KTM motor-bicycles? - Two of them are.
0:55:58 > 0:56:02- Can I just say, KTM is the stupidest company in the world?- Well said.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04That is ridiculous.
0:56:04 > 0:56:06- Right then.- Oh, wow.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09Look, it's Douglas Bader-Meinhof.
0:56:09 > 0:56:12Come on, then. Let's get on with it.
0:56:12 > 0:56:1612 more miles of abject misery and then I can pretend
0:56:16 > 0:56:20I've never heard the words "KTM", "cross" or "bow."
0:56:20 > 0:56:22ENGINES ROAR
0:56:28 > 0:56:33Oh... I've been coming to work now down here for ten years.
0:56:33 > 0:56:36I've never had to stop and buy another outfit on the way,
0:56:36 > 0:56:38I've never been so miserable.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41Urgh.
0:56:43 > 0:56:46OK, this is getting heavier now, and it is becoming less pleasant.
0:56:46 > 0:56:50It wouldn't make a very good wedding car for winter weddings.
0:56:50 > 0:56:53That's another thing it wouldn't be good for.
0:56:53 > 0:56:57One of the other advantages of the traditional car windscreen
0:56:57 > 0:57:01is that you can have windscreen wipers on it. I just...
0:57:02 > 0:57:04It'd be nice to be able to see.
0:57:12 > 0:57:14And here we are. At work.
0:57:16 > 0:57:18Frankly, I wish it was the gallows.
0:57:19 > 0:57:22- WATER SPLASHES - Oh, bloody hellfire.
0:57:25 > 0:57:29The bit of your face that's exposed has gone all funny.
0:57:29 > 0:57:32- It's got mud and bits of stones on it.- You know when you find a potato
0:57:32 > 0:57:36- that's been in the bottom of the fridge for a while? - It's rotted your face off.
0:57:36 > 0:57:41My job, from now on, is to drive cars with roofs.
0:57:41 > 0:57:43And with that, back to the studio.
0:57:43 > 0:57:46APPLAUSE
0:57:46 > 0:57:49- Did you tell him about your claw? - Yeah, my hands.- My face was a claw.
0:57:49 > 0:57:54I had three claws. Anyway, can I just say,
0:57:54 > 0:57:57for around the same sort of money as the KTM,
0:57:57 > 0:58:01you could have a BMW M3, which is a good track-day car.
0:58:01 > 0:58:03It is also good for taking you to work,
0:58:03 > 0:58:05taking the kids to school, going to the supermarket,
0:58:05 > 0:58:09it has a roof, has a heater, has a windscreen, has windows.
0:58:09 > 0:58:11It is amazing that we have reached a point
0:58:11 > 0:58:13in the development of our civilisation
0:58:13 > 0:58:17where you can buy a car that does only one thing.
0:58:17 > 0:58:20Yes, I know what you mean. My Morgan, it turns out, is brilliant
0:58:20 > 0:58:23for taking one friend to the pub on two days in June.
0:58:23 > 0:58:29- LAUGHTER - The Caterham is superb for blasting around Simply Sausages...
0:58:29 > 0:58:33- LAUGHTER - No, no. Everywhere else in the world, all racetracks,
0:58:33 > 0:58:35they're called the Tag Heuer or the Red Bull
0:58:35 > 0:58:37but Donnington is sponsored by Simply Sausages
0:58:37 > 0:58:40and it is very good at getting round it.
0:58:40 > 0:58:42It is brilliant at Simply Sausages,
0:58:42 > 0:58:45and yours is frankly peerless at making you look like a cock.
0:58:45 > 0:58:48- Oh, it's brilliant.- It is. What we've got here are three cars,
0:58:48 > 0:58:51they're like Swiss Army knives where there's only one attachment,
0:58:51 > 0:58:54and it's that prong for getting a stone out of a horse's hoof.
0:58:54 > 0:58:57That's all they are, and on that bombshell, it is time to end.
0:58:57 > 0:59:00Thank you for watching, see you next week. Good night.
0:59:00 > 0:59:02APPLAUSE
0:59:15 > 0:59:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd