0:00:11 > 0:00:15Tonight, James draws on a board,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Richard waves at a man
0:00:18 > 0:00:21and I run away from a table!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Thank you so much. Thank you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I am often asked, well, I am sometimes asked,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41well, actually, I was once asked by one person,
0:00:41 > 0:00:45why we review fast Vauxhalls so rarely on Top Gear.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48The simple answer - they're terrible rubbish.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53Vauxhall, however, has just introduced a new fast Astra
0:00:53 > 0:00:56and says it isn't terrible rubbish.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Hmm.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06It's called the VXR and on paper,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09it certainly appears to be terrible rubbish.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Because what they've done, bless them, is fit under the bonnet
0:01:15 > 0:01:19of a front-wheel drive Vauxhall Astra,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21a 276 horsepower engine.
0:01:23 > 0:01:28That's as daft as fitting the heart of an elephant in a mouse.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34The thing is, the front wheels have to do the steering
0:01:34 > 0:01:37and that's a big, important job.
0:01:37 > 0:01:42And asking them to handle 276 horsepower as well,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46means you've to do some very, very clever engineering.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Not that long ago,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Vauxhall was making the not-at-all cleverly engineered Vectra.
0:01:55 > 0:02:01The most dreary, uninspiring car in all of human history.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Oh!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07It really was a cure for ADD.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10If you put a hyperactive child in there, he'd be asleep
0:02:10 > 0:02:13in three minutes flat. I mean, look at it!
0:02:13 > 0:02:16It's as gripping as a Victorian novel,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19as stylish as a taxman's trousers.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23You almost got the impression they designed it in a coffee break.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25"Oh, quick, the boss wants a new car." "There's one.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27"Give it some fancy door mirrors.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30"It'll look like we made an effort." But they hadn't!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34So the idea that a company which did this,
0:02:34 > 0:02:39now thinks it has the technical ability to put 276 horsepowers
0:02:39 > 0:02:42through the front wheels of a hatchback is laughable.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45The thing is, though, amazingly,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48they've pulled it off!
0:02:59 > 0:03:03It has a clever front diff and unlike a normal Astra,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06it has hydraulic power steering.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10It also has the same sort of dampers that Ferrari use
0:03:10 > 0:03:16and James tells me it has separate hub carriers.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Which is interesting(!)
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Plainly then, they've spent more time and effort on the front end
0:03:23 > 0:03:26of this car, than they did on the whole of the Vectra.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29And the rewards are huge.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36There's no torque steer, there is no fuss, there is no drama,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39the power is just there when you want it.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43It might not be the most fun car in the world,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46it actually feels quite heavy,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50but, my God, it is quick!
0:03:57 > 0:04:01And best of all, despite extremely wide low-profile tyres,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04it has a comfortable ride as well.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08If you like being uncomfortable,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12you can push this sport button here which firms everything up
0:04:12 > 0:04:16and if you want to feel like you're falling down a rocky escarpment,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18you can push this one.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20If you do that, watch, ready...
0:04:20 > 0:04:23look, all the dials glow red
0:04:23 > 0:04:26to warn you that your neck is about to snap.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Probably better to leave those buttons alone, clearly.
0:04:31 > 0:04:38This is a damn good car. It's solid, good-looking and very, very fast.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43Plus, because it's a hatchback, it's practical as well.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48There are, as I see it, only two problems.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53One - at just shy of £27,000, it is quite expensive.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57And two - when you are asked at parties what you're driving
0:04:57 > 0:05:02these days, you're going to have to start by saying...erm...
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Perhaps then, we should look
0:05:06 > 0:05:11at the Astra's chief rival - the Ford Focus ST.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14This has five doors, so it is more practical than the Vauxhall.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18It's £5,000 cheaper and at parties,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21you can say you own a Ford without blushing.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26But it simply isn't as nice to drive.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Instead of taming the front end with proper mechanical
0:05:31 > 0:05:35engineering like Vauxhall did, Ford has used electronic systems
0:05:35 > 0:05:38and the truth is, they're not as good.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44You can sense the electrons doing their absolute best to
0:05:44 > 0:05:49keep things neat and tidy, but you can also sense them, erm...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51..failing!
0:05:51 > 0:05:52TYRES SCREECH
0:05:52 > 0:05:56There's torque steer, there's understeer,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59and then there's lift off oversteer.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03There. It is a smorgasbord of waywardness.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11I also have to say the Ford has a particularly unpleasant interior.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14And it does not look very good from the outside either.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Nowhere near as good as the Astra, that's for sure.
0:06:18 > 0:06:24So, as an enthusiast's car, I have to say the Vauxhall is better.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33But this is Top Gear and I can't very well sit here
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and say, "Hey, petrolheads,
0:06:36 > 0:06:40"the best hot hatchback is a Vauxhall Astra."
0:06:40 > 0:06:44That would be like a travel person saying, "Hey, holidaymakers,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48"the best place for your summer vacation is Belgium!"
0:06:49 > 0:06:54So, let's keep going and look at another option.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03The Renault Megane 265.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06This is the darling of all the car magazines.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10They love it and it's easy to see why.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13TYRES SCREECH
0:07:20 > 0:07:22TYRES SCREECH
0:07:22 > 0:07:26You can just tell this car was designed by a team of people
0:07:26 > 0:07:31who really know what enthusiasts want when they're on the track.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33It's sublime.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42They've even fitted it with a special readout that shows how fast
0:07:42 > 0:07:44you went from 0 to 60,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47how fast you did the standing quarter, your lap times,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50how much power you're using, how much brake you're using,
0:07:50 > 0:07:56your throttle position, a graph, an extreme graph,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58your G metre.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01The Stig just loves this.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03He's been running around all morning squawking
0:08:03 > 0:08:05and clutching at his tinkle!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09And I have too, if I'm honest!
0:08:11 > 0:08:16It's just an amazing combination of nimbleness and brute force.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21There's no doubt that it's more exciting than the Vauxhall
0:08:21 > 0:08:26and less wayward than the Ford and faster than both of them.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31To show you how much faster, I engaged sport mode
0:08:31 > 0:08:34and pulled up for a drag race.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Watch and learn, Vauxhall!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48What?
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Come on!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Come on! Faster!
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Come on-n-n-n!
0:09:02 > 0:09:06That was not supposed to happen.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Much to my surprise, then, the Renault was the slowest.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13And when you bear equipment levels in mind,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16it is the most expensive, too.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18And it's also the least nice.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Sitting in here is a bit like sitting in Eeyore's Gloomy Place,
0:09:23 > 0:09:27it is all very dark and everything you touch and everything you use
0:09:27 > 0:09:32feels flimsy, like it will come off or break at any moment.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35And the back's very cramped and the ride's very hard,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38this seat is very low down and very snug
0:09:38 > 0:09:42and gives you an idea of what it would be like to be buried alive.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47And look at this. You can't wear a pink shirt or it'll clash.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53So, while this may be the nicest car to drive on a track or
0:09:53 > 0:09:55a deserted moorland road,
0:09:55 > 0:09:59it would not be the nicest to live with on a day-to-day basis.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05That means we arrive at a rather worrying conclusion because,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09if I were to choose one of these three cars to drive home in tonight,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11it would be...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13the...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15CONTINUOUS BEEP
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- What happened there? - The camera broke.- Did it?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Yeah, no, it literally just broke there.- Did it?
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- And what were you about to say? - Erm, I can't remember.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- You were about to say the Vauxhall. - A bit.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36It's a surprisingly likeable car. It just is.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Isn't that a bit like saying Piers Morgan is a surprisingly
0:10:40 > 0:10:42likeable man, but in the end, he is still fundamentally
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Piers Morgan, isn't he?- Awful man. Yes, I know what you mean.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Look, hold on a minute.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51The Ford is £5,000 cheaper, it is the most practical, with
0:10:51 > 0:10:55the most doors and we've just seen it is the fastest. I'd have that.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- There's a lot to commend the Ford. You're right.- I like the Renault.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- Oh, God!- This is brilliant buyers' advice, isn't it?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I'd have the Ford, you'd have the Renault,
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- and he'd have the Piers Morgan.- Yeah, I know how we can sort this out.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11The tame racing driver.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16Some say he contains 47% horse.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:22And that to concentrate more on his work here,
0:11:22 > 0:11:26he's resigned, this week, from his other job in Rome.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28LAUGHTER
0:11:28 > 0:11:30All we know is, he's called The Stig!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34'And they're off. Sluggish start from the Ford.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36'But it soon bites
0:11:36 > 0:11:40'and finds its stride on the way to the first corner.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43'And it's the Renault looking twitchy into there,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45'the other two nicely controlled and gripping hard.'
0:11:45 > 0:11:49SERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:49 > 0:11:52'The Stig still listening to national anthems
0:11:52 > 0:11:55'and a cacophony of patriotic noise.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57'All tracking cleanly around Chicago
0:11:57 > 0:12:00'now spooling up the turbos for the run to Hammerhead,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04'hard on the brakes, might see something mealier from the Focus.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08'But no. Almost threatening to cock a back wheel.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12'And the Renault just scampers away like a cheese-crazed sport monkey.'
0:12:12 > 0:12:17MUSIC CONTINUES
0:12:17 > 0:12:21'Wow! A stack of Stigs there. Follow-through.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22'The Focus is getting out of shape,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24'quickly pulls it back together again.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26'Two corners left, the Vauxhall appears
0:12:26 > 0:12:29'to be composed, the Renault looking bumpy on the way in.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34'It's the most track-ready car here. Here they come, up to Gambon.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37'No dramas at all and across the line.'
0:12:37 > 0:12:39APPLAUSE
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I have the times here and they are not that fast.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48The Ford Focus did it in 1.29.6.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52The Vauxhall Astra did a 1.28.3
0:12:52 > 0:12:54and the Renault Megane,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57the most track-focused of them all, did a 1.27.7.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00So therefore, the conclusion is,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03if you want a relatively inexpensive, fun car,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06buy the Toyota GT 86!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:11We're really not much good at that consumer advice thing, are we?
0:13:11 > 0:13:16- Anyway, we must now do the news. - Yes, and it's bad news!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Dacia have got their name wrong.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Have you seen the car ads they've been doing?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23They keep referring to themselves as "Datcha".
0:13:23 > 0:13:24I think that's because
0:13:24 > 0:13:26that's how you say it in Romania, where it's built.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29There's another labelling problem they've got,
0:13:29 > 0:13:30because I was reading up on the new Sandero.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33It says it's got 90 horsepower. With everything that's been going on,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35how do we know that isn't cow power?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- Yeah.- Good point.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Because those abattoirs are in Romania,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- allegedly.- Apparently.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46We went to Romania once and we did see a lot of people
0:13:46 > 0:13:48riding around on cows, rounding up horses.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52And all their farmers complaining about getting up early
0:13:52 > 0:13:53- to milk the horses!- Exactly.
0:13:53 > 0:13:58So, it is a 90 cow power car, we've established now. Good.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01On the show, we've always said you can't be a proper petrolhead
0:14:01 > 0:14:03until you've owned an Alfa, which has always been
0:14:03 > 0:14:05an embarrassing problem for me, because I haven't.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09But that might be about to change with this, the Alfa Romeo 4C.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12A little two-seater, 1.8 litre turbocharged engine
0:14:12 > 0:14:15mounted in the middle, chassis made of carbon fibre.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- At least it won't rust. - They'll find a way.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22They'll have bought cheap Russian carbon fibre that somehow oxidises.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24You know what Alfa's like! How much is it?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27It's going to cost between 40 and 50,000.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I have a bit of a problem with that.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- I don't think the looks are quite right.- Eh? It's gorgeous.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- I think it's a bit too tall. - Exactly. It is.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I'll tell you how it does look good though, is if you see the plan view.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41We've got one of those. Now that, I think, is good.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- That's a view Hammond will never have!- Oh, come on. Please!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- Ha-ha!- Open goal!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Now, the most important news of the week.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53As you may have noticed, modern cars now have been given
0:14:53 > 0:14:56electronic handbrakes, rather than a lever. This is a problem,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00because you can't do a handbrake turn with an electronic button.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02And this is bad news,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05because handbrake turns are an essential part of male development,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07because as we all know,
0:15:07 > 0:15:12the handbrake lever is connected directly to a girl's sexual appetite!
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- It is.- It is. When you're 17, it is. - You're smiling and you know it is.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19You see it in the animal kingdom. A peacock has his feathers.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- The young man has his handbrake. - Exactly.- They do the same job.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- And if you have a button, it doesn't work.- No.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30I can remember my first attempt at seduction with the handbrake
0:15:30 > 0:15:31when I was 17 years old.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I was going to pick up this girl called Liz from outside a pub
0:15:33 > 0:15:34and I had it all planned.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I'd go in and I'd get on the handbrake and slew it round
0:15:37 > 0:15:41like The Italian Job and the rest was a formality, obviously.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I went through the gate, quite hot, pulled on the lever and that was
0:15:44 > 0:15:46when the cable snapped.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I think it was because I had spent the previous day practising,
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- you see...- Only you would practise a handbrake turn!- You have to.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Wish I had.- What?- I remember taking a girl called Cathy home one night.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I was 17, in my mum's Audi.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And she lived in the middle of a field and I do mean
0:16:02 > 0:16:04in the middle of a field, no tracks, anything.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Was she called Ermintrude?
0:16:06 > 0:16:07LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:12- Did she wear a nice big bell?- No, she wasn't a cow!- Moo.- Or a horse.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14No, no.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Anyway, I am going down the grassy hill, to the house and thought,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20"I know what will tip her over the edge." Brrt!
0:16:20 > 0:16:25- Pirouetted straight through her dad's hedge.- Was she impressed?
0:16:25 > 0:16:30I know she was, because she pulled a face that was exactly like this.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34That's the face, that's the face they pull
0:16:34 > 0:16:35in that part of the mating ritual.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I know, because I have seen that face.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41When I was a young man, 17, borrowing my dad's car,
0:16:41 > 0:16:42diesel Astra estate,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45and I was giving Katie from college a lift home, she lived on a farm,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47down farm tracks and I had already warmed her up
0:16:47 > 0:16:50with a bit of rally driving!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53There was already a sexual tension in the car.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57And I thought, "I'll seal the deal with the handbrake lever,"
0:16:57 > 0:17:00yanked it on, slewed round, hit a rock. She pulled that exact face.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04But I never got that face from Liz, because as far she was concerned,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08she didn't know I had tried to do a handbrake turn, because
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I had just got that twang, that was the only twang I got
0:17:11 > 0:17:14on that evening! As far as she could see,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18I had just parked badly the wrong way round.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- She just thought I was an arse.- I think I know why they're doing this.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26It's to cut down on unwanted teenage pregnancy.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29And it could work. It's a clever thought.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32It'll probably work, but it'll also cut down on the future of mankind.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- I think it is irresponsible. - If you think about it,
0:17:35 > 0:17:39if a man can't use a handbrake to pull a girl, what's he going to do?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42There's going to be a lot of frustrated men around.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47- You may have to talk to her. - No! No!- Car makers, please, stop it.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52You're meddling with forces unseen and more powerful than you.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Shall we get back to cars? - Yeah, let's do it.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Peugeot, as we know, are the worst driven cars on the road,
0:17:58 > 0:18:02always doing 40 in the outside lane, they're always in your way.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06But now there is a new car from Peugeot. We have it here
0:18:06 > 0:18:10in the studio. It's called the Onyx. It looks absolutely fantastic
0:18:10 > 0:18:15and you'll notice that some of the bodywork is made from copper.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Just like the boiler tubes on a Gresley A4 Streamliner Pacific.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Yes, James, yes, yes.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25And it's actually untreated copper, so, over time, it'll turn green
0:18:25 > 0:18:29unless a scrap metal merchant removes it in the night.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Inside they've continued the theme of using unusual materials,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37so the dashboard is made out of recycled newspaper.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I'm guessing they'll have used the Guardian for everything
0:18:40 > 0:18:43on the left and the Telegraph for everything on the right!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Actually the newspaper is good because it means there is no need to
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Bluetooth your phone to it.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52The dashboard will already have listened to your messages for you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57The engine is a 680 horsepower V8 turbo diesel hybrid.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01That means a top speed in the outside lane of 40.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Anyway, this is the future, perhaps, but now we must return to
0:19:07 > 0:19:11the present, because we have some important information.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14The Kia Cee'd, which we use as our reasonably priced car
0:19:14 > 0:19:20has been updated and the new version is taking the world by storm.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28This is it.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30It has only been on sale for eight months
0:19:30 > 0:19:34and already it has won the coveted Northern Car Of The Year award.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37A chap called Derek Grocock
0:19:37 > 0:19:40who is vice chairman of the Northern Group Of Motoring Writers
0:19:40 > 0:19:45said it had impressed the judges with its comfort, value,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49reliability, quality, and its seven-year warranty.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57But this is Top Gear and we are interested in,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00all of that obviously, but rather more besides.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06So now let's see how well it does at all the things which matter to us.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Of course there is only one man
0:20:19 > 0:20:22we can turn to for an answer. Matt LeBlanc,
0:20:22 > 0:20:26the fastest star we have ever had in our reasonably priced car.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Of course Matt lives in Los Angeles
0:20:29 > 0:20:32but he appreciated the importance of the question.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46First, the old car.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Old versus new. The age-old question.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09And now, the new version.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Ah, that new-car smell. Huh?
0:21:29 > 0:21:30So there we are.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Thanks a lot.- Thank you.- Any time.
0:21:38 > 0:21:44With Matt gone, I moved on to a test I could handle myself.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55I'm coming up now to a row of parked cars in a top-of-the-range Cee'd
0:21:55 > 0:21:59which has this little button down here.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04If I push it, sensors start to scan the gaps to see if any of them
0:22:04 > 0:22:09are big enough for me to park in. What about this gap here?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I don't think that's big enough. Does the car agree?
0:22:13 > 0:22:17It will "bong" if it thinks it's big enough. It didn't like that.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19What about this one?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21BONG
0:22:21 > 0:22:22There it is.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27Now that's very impressive. But what it does next is even better.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32If I put it in reverse I am told this will go into that gap
0:22:32 > 0:22:34with no steering input at all from me.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39To see if that is true I am going to wear a blindfold. OK.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43I can now see nothing at all. Here we go.
0:22:46 > 0:22:52Easing it backwards. Hands not on the wheel. Oh, my God, it's turning.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55This is spooky.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I'm going to get some beeps to tell me when
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I'm close to the car behind.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- BEEPS - There we are.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Then I put it in drive.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- This... - LAUGHS
0:23:12 > 0:23:14This is weird now.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19If I take this off and I am parked I shall be amazed.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24SILENCE
0:23:27 > 0:23:30So now let's consider some rather more important questions.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Yes.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40MUSIC: "Layla" by Eric Clapton
0:23:40 > 0:23:43We plugged the lead into the auxiliary socket
0:23:43 > 0:23:46and asked a local guitarist to try it out.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52HE PLAYS LAYLA
0:24:00 > 0:24:02He seemed quite impressed.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07So far then the little Kia is passing all our tests
0:24:07 > 0:24:10and passing them well,
0:24:10 > 0:24:11but I know what you're thinking.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20This is a big problem because if you have your container of water
0:24:20 > 0:24:24for the eel and even a small amount of sodium -
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I've only got 100 grams here - and the two were to
0:24:26 > 0:24:31come into contact with one another, the results could be catastrophic.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33As I shall now demonstrate.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44HE COUGHS
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Time and time again we hear about eel and sodium salesmen
0:24:50 > 0:24:53going about their business when all of a sudden...
0:24:56 > 0:24:58..their car explodes.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08To make sure that doesn't happen in the Cee'd, special segregated
0:25:08 > 0:25:11trays are fitted underneath the boot floor
0:25:11 > 0:25:14so you can have your sodium in one tray,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18separated from the water into which I am now going to place an eel.
0:25:18 > 0:25:24There we go. Don't jiggle about. You'll get water on the sodium.
0:25:24 > 0:25:30That's what happened to your mum. Stay. Good eel. Excellent.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Now we will just close the boot floor.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37That really is an intelligent piece of design.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38MUFFLED BANG
0:25:39 > 0:25:40HE SIGHS
0:25:43 > 0:25:45So now let's look at another vital issue that was not
0:25:45 > 0:25:47addressed by Mr Grocock.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02HORN BEEPS
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Yes, he can.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09And he managed to do that without getting any more
0:26:09 > 0:26:11blood or oil on his shirt.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Yes, it is. A mid-range 1.6 litre Kia
0:26:20 > 0:26:27is 17,195. A mid-range 1.6 litre Focus, 17,200.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30For the price of the Focus you can have a Kia
0:26:30 > 0:26:32plus £5 to spend on...
0:26:34 > 0:26:37..£5 worth of things.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43There was a time when Kias were cheaper than their European
0:26:43 > 0:26:48rivals because they were very nasty, but those days have gone.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50This really is not nasty at all.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I think it is good-looking on the outside,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55good-looking on the inside as well.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58It has sophisticated independent rear suspension
0:26:58 > 0:27:03so you can stick it into a corner pretty confident that you
0:27:03 > 0:27:05will come out OK on the other side.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06It is well-equipped.
0:27:06 > 0:27:12And it has passed nearly all of our tests with flying colours.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16The Kia Cee'd - good enough for Mr Grocock
0:27:16 > 0:27:18and good enough for Top Gear.
0:27:27 > 0:27:34Very thorough. Very, very thorough. A lot of information there.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Now, though, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41My guest tonight is a young chap from Hertfordshire
0:27:41 > 0:27:43who recently got a new Mercedes and wants to come and tell us
0:27:43 > 0:27:47all about it. Normally, we would tell him to get lost.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52But we decided to make an exception on this occasion
0:27:52 > 0:27:53because...
0:27:53 > 0:27:58his name, ladies and gentlemen, is Lewis Hamilton.
0:27:58 > 0:28:05Great! You are back. You are back.
0:28:05 > 0:28:11- Have a seat. Have a seat. - It feels good to be back.- Luxury.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Obviously the first question is the big one.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19You have moved from McLaren to Mercedes.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23Is that not a bit like moving from Manchester United to West Ham?
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Firstly, thanks for the warm welcome, everyone.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Don't change the subject.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Good to be back.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Yes, no, it's a big change for me obviously,
0:28:34 > 0:28:37but I'm really excited about it.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Everyone is criticising it and has their own opinions but for me
0:28:40 > 0:28:43I have been at McLaren since I was 13.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47It was a long period there and I wanted a change. I am a risk taker.
0:28:47 > 0:28:52There is a risk and a risk because McLaren have won, what, 182 races.
0:28:52 > 0:28:58Mercedes has won...one in five years. What makes you think...?
0:28:58 > 0:29:01- Well, they won the Championship. - Well, it was actually Brawn...
0:29:01 > 0:29:02- Brawn.- Technically not...
0:29:02 > 0:29:08- Have they told you that? "We've won. We've won."- You are right.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11They have struggled the last few years, but I think
0:29:11 > 0:29:13when the rules came out in 2009,
0:29:13 > 0:29:16everyone came out with the design of a car and they started out,
0:29:16 > 0:29:19and every year after that it is an evolution of that car.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21And they started off on the wrong foot
0:29:21 > 0:29:23and they've been on the wrong foot since then.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25One of the things I thought,
0:29:25 > 0:29:29- you had to do a lot of PR work at McLaren, didn't you?- Mm.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31- Everybody knows that is dreadful. - Yeah.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34"Buy this terrible thing that sponsors our car."
0:29:34 > 0:29:36- Is there going to be less of that? - A lot less, yes.- A lot less?- Yes.
0:29:36 > 0:29:40That is good enough. Why did you not just say because you have to do less
0:29:40 > 0:29:42- standing around talking rubbish? - It's not that.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45There were so many good things about the opportunity to go
0:29:45 > 0:29:47somewhere where they are struggling and hopefully be
0:29:47 > 0:29:51a part of something that will get somewhere and become great.
0:29:51 > 0:29:52So, we needn't expect to see you
0:29:52 > 0:29:55leading everybody around from pole position?
0:29:55 > 0:29:58You definitely should not expect that this year.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01- Because initial testing has not been completely successful so far?- No.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05- It wasn't good. Brake failure on my 14th lap.- What speed? Pretty fast.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Yeah. I was at the end of the back straight going into turn six
0:30:08 > 0:30:12and hit the brakes at 180 mph, 190, and then nothing happened.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14I just went straight in...
0:30:14 > 0:30:16So when you put your foot on the brake pedal
0:30:16 > 0:30:19and you're going 180 and nothing happens. Poo?
0:30:22 > 0:30:23No, you do swear, though.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26- You have time to think of a swear word?- Yes, you do.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29- And you have time to brace.- Do you?
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Yes, so I was going towards the wall and
0:30:31 > 0:30:35I remember just holding on for dear life, knowing it was going to hurt.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37- Did it hurt?- It did. Particularly in my legs.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40For some reason, I don't know, I went in straight ahead,
0:30:40 > 0:30:43but my legs seem to hurt when I go straight into a wall.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47Now, I do know what I need to talk to you about.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49The handbrake in the modern car.
0:30:52 > 0:30:58- Have you ever thought, "If I pull this, she...?"- I am sure I have.
0:30:58 > 0:31:03In the first years that I was driving, I'm sure.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07We were discussing this earlier. It is one of the weirdest things.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10We are all fairly clear, girls don't like men who do
0:31:10 > 0:31:14- handbrake turns, but we think they do.- My girlfriend loves it.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17- Does she?- I have a good story about my handbrake turns.
0:31:17 > 0:31:22Years ago, I was at a karting race in Italy with Nico as my team-mate.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24It was 2000.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Me, my dad and Keke Rosberg,
0:31:26 > 0:31:30were on our way to the track and my dad was driving down this
0:31:30 > 0:31:34country lane, which off the edge of the road drops down into a field
0:31:34 > 0:31:35and there is a metre drop.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39Keke all of a sudden just pulls the handbrake while my dad is driving.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42And my dad doesn't really know how to drive that well.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46- He thinks he's a great driver... - He's not here to argue.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Lost the back end of the car and put it down into the ditch
0:31:49 > 0:31:52and we had to leave it there and walk to the track.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56There wasn't even a girl in the car? Who was Keke trying to impress?
0:31:56 > 0:32:00- I don't know.- Your dad. - My dad, yes.- Keke is gay!
0:32:06 > 0:32:09And on that bombshell...
0:32:10 > 0:32:14Now, I know that you have been very much looking forward to
0:32:14 > 0:32:19- coming back here.- Yes, I have.- You have been here before.- Yes, 2008.
0:32:19 > 0:32:24Now most guests do a lap, take the weather on the chin,
0:32:24 > 0:32:28snow, ice, rain, and then go away. You did not do that.
0:32:28 > 0:32:33- You were cross, weren't you? - I was not happy that it was raining.
0:32:33 > 0:32:37- It was wet.- I am told that you took our producer around the back...
0:32:37 > 0:32:40LAUGHTER
0:32:40 > 0:32:44..and a deal was done that you could come back and try again
0:32:44 > 0:32:49- when the track was dry.- Yes. - This was a bloody quick time. 1.44.
0:32:49 > 0:32:54- And it was wet.- Wet and oily. - Oily, was it?- Get it right. Yes.
0:32:56 > 0:32:57Racing drivers' excuses, but...
0:32:57 > 0:33:00I thought wet was all it said, but it's wet and oily.
0:33:00 > 0:33:01"Wet and oily," you said.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04You said someone in the last corner dumped some oil.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06It had come out of Hammond's hair.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Obviously, thorn in your side here, Sebastian sits at the top.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14- That irritates you?- Mm-hm.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18He's had the best car for God knows how many years
0:33:18 > 0:33:21and is also the quickest on Top Gear, so...
0:33:21 > 0:33:23You wanted to do something about that?
0:33:23 > 0:33:24Every driver wants...
0:33:24 > 0:33:26I remember when Rubens came and did the time.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29We went to a drivers' briefing in Germany.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31He brought everyone a shirt.
0:33:31 > 0:33:32He gave himself, "I beat The Stig,"
0:33:32 > 0:33:34and everyone else, "The Stig beat me."
0:33:37 > 0:33:40- So you didn't do your lap today?- No.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43You came down and did the lap many months ago.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45Who would like to see Lewis practising for his lap?
0:33:45 > 0:33:47AUDIENCE: Yes
0:33:47 > 0:33:49Let's have a look.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52There he goes. Second to last corner catches all of our guests out,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55including one Lewis Hamilton.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00- Was that me?- Yes.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07I only put it on to make all the other guests feel better
0:34:07 > 0:34:09because they are like, "No, I have spun off."
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Now they can go, "At least
0:34:11 > 0:34:13"Lewis Hamilton did the same thing in exactly the same place."
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Nevertheless, you then lined up to do your lap again.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20- Who here would like to see it? - AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:34:20 > 0:34:21Here we go.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23It is, of course, the old Liana.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27That was a good gear change.
0:34:27 > 0:34:28Come on, baby!
0:34:28 > 0:34:33Yes, we do not use the Cee'd for Formula One drivers.
0:34:33 > 0:34:34You all have to drive that.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38It's nice to see it back looking tall and ungainly and slow.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43HE HUMS
0:34:46 > 0:34:50'I thought you were determined to go fastest?
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- 'I was.- Singing. It's like Kimi Raikkonen looking at the planes.'
0:34:53 > 0:34:54Whoo!
0:34:54 > 0:34:56'Look what you're doing.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00'Is this the sort of man who looks like he's determined
0:35:00 > 0:35:02'to go faster than Sebastian Vettel?
0:35:02 > 0:35:05- 'Look at that, I didn't even cut the corner.- I'm very impressed.'
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Not surprised, but I'm very impressed.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10'Here we go.'
0:35:10 > 0:35:11Peace!
0:35:14 > 0:35:18- 'That was to the cameraman. - I know.
0:35:18 > 0:35:19'Oh!
0:35:23 > 0:35:25'A couple of bites at the cherry. That's nicely done.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29- 'It actually looks like it handles quite well, bless it.- It does.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32'And there we are, everyone, across the line.'
0:35:44 > 0:35:46There is no point asking you where you want to come.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48- You know. - You know where you want to be.
0:35:48 > 0:35:54Well, Lewis Hamilton. Mmm-mmm! It was a 1.44 that Sebastian did.
0:35:54 > 0:35:59Lewis Hamilton, you did it in... one...
0:36:01 > 0:36:02..forty...
0:36:05 > 0:36:09- ..2.9. - CHEERING
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Unbelievable. Unbelievably fast time.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17- Wa-hey!- I will leave it there.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24You weren't even concentrating.
0:36:28 > 0:36:33- Wow.- Pleased? - I'm really surprised.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35- It didn't even look like you were concentrating.- I was...
0:36:35 > 0:36:38It has been months and you guys wouldn't even tell me.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40No, we never tell anybody.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43I was thinking to myself, "I'm going to be so disappointed in myself
0:36:43 > 0:36:48- "if I didn't do a competitive time." - Anyway, he has now hung himself.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52And obviously everybody here is very pleased to have a Brit
0:36:52 > 0:36:54- back on the top of the leaderboard. - AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58When I say everybody, there is one man who is not pleased. The Stig.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02He knew about this time months ago when you did the lap.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04This week, he left the country.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07He went to North Korea to do an experiment. We don't know what.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12So, apart from him, everyone is thrilled.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Ladies and gentlemen, the fastest man we've ever had - Lewis Hamilton.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17CHEERING
0:37:17 > 0:37:21Well done, mate. That was worth coming back for.
0:37:21 > 0:37:22Without a doubt.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31Now, a couple of weeks back
0:37:31 > 0:37:35we finished our American road trip at the Mexican border.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37The last one there had to cross over and test something called
0:37:37 > 0:37:40the Mastretta, which is a new sports car being made there.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43Now, Top Gear is not very popular in Mexico
0:37:43 > 0:37:47because of some comments that were made on the show.
0:37:47 > 0:37:48And, unfortunately,
0:37:48 > 0:37:50the man who lost that race,
0:37:50 > 0:37:53and would therefore have to go into Mexico
0:37:53 > 0:37:58and test the Mastretta was the man who made those comments -
0:37:58 > 0:38:01our Director of International Relations,
0:38:01 > 0:38:03Boutros Boutros Hammond.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13DOG BARKS
0:38:16 > 0:38:20OK, so, here we are in Mexico but it's all right,
0:38:20 > 0:38:22I have everything under control.
0:38:26 > 0:38:27You see?
0:38:28 > 0:38:30An angry Mexican looks in, they'll see Jeremy,
0:38:30 > 0:38:33and they hate Jeremy just as much as they hate me.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Look at me!
0:38:35 > 0:38:39Power! Oh, everything's rubbish.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Except, no, cos I am now Jeremy,
0:38:43 > 0:38:45so they'll still cut my head off and then...
0:38:45 > 0:38:47I haven't thought this through at all, have I?
0:38:47 > 0:38:49I'm not going to bother with that.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55OK, let's get this test over with
0:38:55 > 0:38:57as quickly as possible and get out of here.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03'Eventually, I found a place where no-one could see me
0:39:03 > 0:39:06'and I could get on with some serious road testing.'
0:39:10 > 0:39:12So, what have we got here?
0:39:12 > 0:39:14Well, its full name is the Mastretta MXT
0:39:14 > 0:39:18and this is the first fully home-grown Mexican car.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24'Now, when most countries make their first car,
0:39:24 > 0:39:27'it's something cheap and practical for the masses.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31'But what the Mexicans have done is skip the intro
0:39:31 > 0:39:33'and gone straight for a sports car.'
0:39:35 > 0:39:42Any similarities between this and an early Lotus Elise are not accidental.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45It's small, it's compact, leather bucket seats,
0:39:45 > 0:39:47suede-ish trim here and there.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53Steering wheel no bigger than a tortilla, which is a good thing.
0:39:58 > 0:40:03'The interior, the chassis and the body are all Mexican made.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07'But the two litre turbo engine is actually from over the border.'
0:40:10 > 0:40:12It's a Ford and it makes 250bhp,
0:40:12 > 0:40:16enough to take the Mastretta to 60 in 4.9 seconds.
0:40:18 > 0:40:22Which could be useful if, say, somebody was trying to chase you.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29'Unlike some lightweight sports cars,
0:40:29 > 0:40:33'the Mastretta offers luxuries such as air-con and a stereo.'
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Put the radio on.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38MEXICAN SONG PLAYS Oh, yeah, my favourite. I love this.
0:40:44 > 0:40:49'Despite the equipment, the MXT is no fatty -
0:40:49 > 0:40:51'weighing in at just 1,050 kilograms
0:40:51 > 0:40:56'thanks to a chassis made of carbon fibre and aluminium.'
0:40:57 > 0:40:59You can see how they've tried to keep
0:40:59 > 0:41:01all the car's weight between the wheels,
0:41:01 > 0:41:05which is why there is absolutely no overhang at the back or the front,
0:41:05 > 0:41:09which is all well and good, still not sure about the styling, though.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12It looks like an Audi TT that has been squashed in a vice
0:41:12 > 0:41:15and that's a good thing. Very good. Morning!
0:41:15 > 0:41:16Buenos dias.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19The kind of thing Ferrari could learn a lot from. I shouldn't sit on it,
0:41:19 > 0:41:22I don't want to scratch it. Look at that - sleek.
0:41:22 > 0:41:23Yeah!
0:41:26 > 0:41:28'The really good thing about the Mastretta
0:41:28 > 0:41:32'is that it pretty much does what it says on the tin.'
0:41:32 > 0:41:34For a simple, uncomplicated, little, track-day car,
0:41:34 > 0:41:36you want it to feel like a go-kart.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38This kind of does.
0:41:40 > 0:41:41It does grip.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45I was waiting for understeer then, there wasn't any.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51The gear linkage, always difficult when the engine is behind you,
0:41:51 > 0:41:53works very well.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56'But it's not without faults.'
0:41:57 > 0:42:00The bonnet rattles about a bit.
0:42:00 > 0:42:01The windscreen wipers occasionally set off
0:42:01 > 0:42:04for a wander all on their own without being asked.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06The seals around the windows are terrible, hence the noise.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10And it makes a hell of a noise over the bumps,
0:42:10 > 0:42:12of which there are a few in Mexico.
0:42:13 > 0:42:19'At £37,000, it's also nearly ten grand more than a Lotus Elise.
0:42:19 > 0:42:23'And, unfortunately for me, the fuel tank is small.'
0:42:30 > 0:42:34Hola. Petrolo pumpo numero uno, por favor.
0:42:37 > 0:42:41'Despite the flaws, inside the Mastretta is a good little car,
0:42:41 > 0:42:44'just waiting to be finished.'
0:42:44 > 0:42:46The thing is, we have kind of been here before in a way.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49James and Jeremy, when they went to China,
0:42:49 > 0:42:51were road testing their first attempt at a car
0:42:51 > 0:42:52and it wasn't brilliant.
0:42:52 > 0:42:57First attempts never are but, and who knows, with more time
0:42:57 > 0:43:01and more practice, one day the name Mastretta
0:43:01 > 0:43:04might really stand for something.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16I think, on the whole, that went pretty well.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20That car's been behind me for a while now. He's following, isn't he?
0:43:20 > 0:43:23That is... He's... He's following me.
0:43:23 > 0:43:24Yeah.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31APPLAUSE
0:43:31 > 0:43:34- Yeah, I know.- Really?! Really?
0:43:34 > 0:43:39- What?- Were you just being nice so you weren't beheaded?
0:43:39 > 0:43:42No, no, like I said, it is genuinely quite a good little car.
0:43:42 > 0:43:45Once they sort out some quality issues, it shows real promise.
0:43:45 > 0:43:48Well, listen, the hatchet is now buried, OK?
0:43:48 > 0:43:52I think, thanks to Ban Ki-Hammond, we can now move on
0:43:52 > 0:43:53because, tonight,
0:43:53 > 0:44:00we are subjecting the new Kia Cee'd to many, many thorough tests.
0:44:00 > 0:44:06And coming up now is the most thorough test of them all.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08Can you play rugby in it?
0:44:10 > 0:44:13'Since we were being thorough, we didn't bother with some minor league
0:44:13 > 0:44:19'club ground but headed instead for the home of English rugby...'
0:44:21 > 0:44:23'..Twickenham.'
0:44:23 > 0:44:24MUSIC: "Jerusalem"
0:44:40 > 0:44:43OK, I'm going to be captaining the grey team and the silver team
0:44:43 > 0:44:48will be captained by a man who knows this ground incredibly well.
0:44:48 > 0:44:53- He drives past it almost every day. James.- Jeremy.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56- Rules of car rugby.- Yeah, and I've got a question straightaway.
0:44:56 > 0:44:58- Which is? - On behalf of the viewers, I suspect,
0:44:58 > 0:45:00don't you have to pass it backwards?
0:45:00 > 0:45:04- In real rugby, yes. That's not possible.- So, we're not doing that?
0:45:04 > 0:45:07- Are we allowed to do this? - What, here?- Yes.- Yes!
0:45:07 > 0:45:10- Has anybody said "hallowed ground" yet?- Not yet.
0:45:10 > 0:45:11- Can if you want.- Go on, then.
0:45:11 > 0:45:14On this hallowed ground, we are about to play car rugby.
0:45:17 > 0:45:21'In our game, the Cee'd will be the speedy backs.
0:45:21 > 0:45:25'And up front, we'll be using Kia Sportages as the hard men -
0:45:25 > 0:45:27'the forwards.
0:45:28 > 0:45:30'So, all we need now is a ref.'
0:45:30 > 0:45:32SIREN BLARES
0:45:37 > 0:45:39- OK, are you ready, James May? - Yes. I'd just point out that
0:45:39 > 0:45:42the referee can't speak and he doesn't know the rules.
0:45:42 > 0:45:43But, yes, I'm ready.
0:45:45 > 0:45:49'As team captains, Clarkson and I were both in cars numbered four.'
0:45:52 > 0:45:54ENGINES REV
0:45:56 > 0:45:59SIREN WARBLES
0:45:59 > 0:46:00And punt!
0:46:04 > 0:46:06Yes! They're reversing.
0:46:06 > 0:46:08Look, I'm frightening them!
0:46:10 > 0:46:13- Argh! I've lost it. - Forwards, forwards.
0:46:14 > 0:46:19Here we go. May is ready to go through the gap. Yes!
0:46:20 > 0:46:22Oh, it's still mine.
0:46:24 > 0:46:25No, I've lost it.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Oh, look at this. He's carrying it!
0:46:31 > 0:46:33He's picked up the ball and he's running with it.
0:46:36 > 0:46:40'Bravely, James tried to block my beefy forward.'
0:46:41 > 0:46:42I think we can get this back.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47- CRUNCH - Oh!
0:46:47 > 0:46:49Well done, men. Well done! I'm loving your play.
0:46:51 > 0:46:54'Then, grey five broke free.'
0:46:59 > 0:47:02Yes, I'm here and ready.
0:47:02 > 0:47:04Yes! Yes!
0:47:04 > 0:47:07- Yes! No!- BLEEP!
0:47:07 > 0:47:09Yes!
0:47:09 > 0:47:13Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es!
0:47:13 > 0:47:15What a try!
0:47:15 > 0:47:16SIREN WARBLES
0:47:18 > 0:47:21Whoo-hah!
0:47:22 > 0:47:26'Having established the Cee'd could score a try,
0:47:26 > 0:47:29'it was now time to see if it could do the next bit.'
0:47:31 > 0:47:34OK, time for a conversion.
0:47:36 > 0:47:40Why does he do that? Why does Jonny Wilkinson do this?
0:47:40 > 0:47:42ENGINES REV
0:47:42 > 0:47:44Right, here we go.
0:47:46 > 0:47:47At Twickenham!
0:47:49 > 0:47:51Yes!
0:47:51 > 0:47:53No, no, no, no!
0:47:53 > 0:47:54Rubbish.
0:48:06 > 0:48:08SIREN BLARES
0:48:08 > 0:48:09SIREN WARBLES
0:48:11 > 0:48:12Fall in, grey.
0:48:15 > 0:48:17Come on, winger! Come on!
0:48:19 > 0:48:22I should explain, James May is using a diesel,
0:48:22 > 0:48:23it has a higher top speed
0:48:23 > 0:48:25than my 1.6 litre petrol
0:48:25 > 0:48:30but I have better acceleration, less weight.
0:48:35 > 0:48:37Oh, no, this is bad. They're free.
0:48:39 > 0:48:40Come on, winger.
0:48:40 > 0:48:41Winger. Winger.
0:48:46 > 0:48:48Nice play, guys. Nice play.
0:48:48 > 0:48:51Ooh! Violent move there. Must be James.
0:48:51 > 0:48:53And was.
0:48:54 > 0:48:57Keep it in. Keep it in.
0:48:59 > 0:49:01- SIREN BLARES - A-ha! It's gone out.
0:49:01 > 0:49:05- I think you'll find that's a grey throw-in.- What's a grey throw-in?
0:49:05 > 0:49:08- This is a grey car.- No, but your bloke knocked that out.- He didn't!
0:49:08 > 0:49:11- He did!- He didn't. I'm going to go and ask the ref.
0:49:13 > 0:49:15Whose throw-in was that?
0:49:17 > 0:49:19Silver? Grey? Can you point?
0:49:20 > 0:49:23The worst referee I've ever come across.
0:49:25 > 0:49:29'I told James the ref had said it was a grey throw-in.
0:49:29 > 0:49:32'So now it was time for our first lineout.'
0:49:34 > 0:49:36This is a very useful feature of the Cee'd.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38It's small, compact,
0:49:38 > 0:49:41so you can get a good run-up for taking a lineout.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43SIREN WAILS
0:49:45 > 0:49:48Here we go. And...a bit of wheel-spin and punt!
0:49:50 > 0:49:52Oh, push, push, push!
0:49:54 > 0:49:55ENGINES REV
0:49:55 > 0:49:58I'm against the bigger man...car!
0:49:58 > 0:50:00Use that torque!
0:50:00 > 0:50:03Ah, they're only front-wheel drive,
0:50:03 > 0:50:05those Sportages, but they have power.
0:50:05 > 0:50:06Come on, team!
0:50:08 > 0:50:10Where's the ball gone? There it is.
0:50:10 > 0:50:14'James had the ball and was heading for the try line.'
0:50:14 > 0:50:17Dribbling... What's it called in rugby?
0:50:17 > 0:50:19Running with it.
0:50:19 > 0:50:21'But we soon put a stop to that.'
0:50:23 > 0:50:24Ooh! Oh!
0:50:26 > 0:50:30'So now, my grey team had the advantage.'
0:50:30 > 0:50:33Go, number 5. Go, go, go!
0:50:33 > 0:50:35Ain't no stopping him now!
0:50:35 > 0:50:38He's on the move. He's in the groove!
0:50:38 > 0:50:40Yes!
0:50:41 > 0:50:43Come on, number three!
0:50:46 > 0:50:48That is a try.
0:50:48 > 0:50:49HORNS BEEP
0:50:49 > 0:50:50SIREN WAILS
0:50:54 > 0:50:56This is hopeless. We're getting thrashed at this.
0:50:56 > 0:51:00'Weirdly, my team let me have another go at a conversion.'
0:51:02 > 0:51:07Right, I'm going for a massive, massive, massive, kick this time.
0:51:07 > 0:51:08SIREN WAILS
0:51:11 > 0:51:12Go over!
0:51:15 > 0:51:19Yes! Yes!
0:51:19 > 0:51:23It's a big one!
0:51:27 > 0:51:29'At this point, the ref signalled half-time.'
0:51:29 > 0:51:32SIREN WAILS
0:51:32 > 0:51:37And, in the dressing rooms, we had the obligatory team talks.
0:51:37 > 0:51:40Right, chaps, we are fine athletes, I think anyone can see that.
0:51:40 > 0:51:43But there is a lot we can learn from actual rugby players.
0:51:43 > 0:51:48This was drawn up for a recent match they played
0:51:48 > 0:51:51and this is what I want you to concentrate on in the second half -
0:51:51 > 0:51:54mindset, go for it, enjoy it, never give in, OK?
0:51:54 > 0:52:00And I think we can add a fourth to that, which is ram James May. OK?
0:52:00 > 0:52:04Ram him whenever you see him and ram him hard.
0:52:04 > 0:52:06Really hard.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08Gentleman, I don't want to put too fine a point on this.
0:52:08 > 0:52:11It's half-time, we're losing, you're a bit crap.
0:52:11 > 0:52:14Now, when we're on the attack we're getting very messy.
0:52:14 > 0:52:16Go up the pitch together in formation,
0:52:16 > 0:52:20so we can pass straight up but be ready to come back down again.
0:52:20 > 0:52:22Very important, reversing if necessary.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24If not, you can get to the other end
0:52:24 > 0:52:28and you can quite easily do a handbrake turn around the post.
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Either side, handbrake turn around the post,
0:52:30 > 0:52:33up you go again to the top and kill Clarkson. That's all you have to do.
0:52:33 > 0:52:35Any questions?
0:52:39 > 0:52:40ECHOING SIREN
0:52:40 > 0:52:43'We knew, as the second half began, we had it all to do.'
0:52:45 > 0:52:48Right, my blokes need to get in there and batter them.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55'The lads did just that.'
0:52:59 > 0:53:01JAMES LAUGHS
0:53:01 > 0:53:03'And soon I got a break.'
0:53:03 > 0:53:05It's a run!
0:53:08 > 0:53:10I'm coming in from the back!
0:53:10 > 0:53:13I know that's Clarkson trying to tackle me.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17Yes!
0:53:18 > 0:53:19That's a try!
0:53:19 > 0:53:22HORN BEEPS
0:53:22 > 0:53:24Oh, God!
0:53:27 > 0:53:31'Naturally, I elected to take the conversion.'
0:53:31 > 0:53:32SIREN WAILS
0:53:32 > 0:53:34Please miss. Please miss.
0:53:36 > 0:53:38Oh, he's done it!
0:53:38 > 0:53:39Give me that!
0:53:39 > 0:53:40Damn it!
0:53:40 > 0:53:42SCOREBOARD BUZZES
0:53:42 > 0:53:46'May's comeback wasn't the only problem.'
0:53:48 > 0:53:51Oh, dear, this hallowed turf is starting to get
0:53:51 > 0:53:52a bit messed up, if I'm honest.
0:53:56 > 0:54:00'And things really weren't helped by the scrums.'
0:54:11 > 0:54:15Oh, no, it's... I'm stuck. I've dug a big hole. I can't get...
0:54:15 > 0:54:16JEREMY LAUGHS
0:54:17 > 0:54:22'But on the upside, everything was lovely inside the Kias.'
0:54:22 > 0:54:25You see, normally when people play rugby they get hot
0:54:25 > 0:54:29and they get sweaty but we're not having any of that here.
0:54:29 > 0:54:34Got the air conditioning set just so. I'm not hot, I'm sitting down.
0:54:34 > 0:54:39'Whilst I was distracted by the Kia, Team May broke through again.'
0:54:41 > 0:54:43We're on the run.
0:54:43 > 0:54:45Stop him, somebody!
0:54:45 > 0:54:46This is what we want!
0:54:48 > 0:54:50Here we go.
0:54:51 > 0:54:53That's a try!
0:54:53 > 0:54:55SCOREBOARD BUZZES
0:54:55 > 0:54:56Beautiful!
0:54:59 > 0:55:04'Worse still, James got a second successful conversion...'
0:55:04 > 0:55:05Yes!
0:55:05 > 0:55:07'..putting his team ahead.'
0:55:07 > 0:55:10They are destroying us in this phase of play.
0:55:10 > 0:55:12'With just two points in it
0:55:12 > 0:55:16'and the rain turning Twickenham's hallowed turf
0:55:16 > 0:55:18'into a muddy skating rink,
0:55:18 > 0:55:21'the play became dirty...
0:55:21 > 0:55:23'and violent.'
0:55:28 > 0:55:30Classic rugby weather.
0:55:35 > 0:55:37SIREN WAILS
0:55:41 > 0:55:43I must say, viewers,
0:55:43 > 0:55:47at this point I have no idea what Jeremy has said in this test.
0:55:47 > 0:55:51I can confirm, though, that the Cee'd crashes quite well.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55Coming in for a try...
0:55:55 > 0:55:56Boof!
0:55:56 > 0:55:58Ooh, crikey, Moses!
0:55:58 > 0:56:02These things are built like brick lavatories.
0:56:03 > 0:56:04'Which was good,
0:56:04 > 0:56:09'because on this surface stopping was becoming a bit of an issue.'
0:56:09 > 0:56:13'Football, that we used to play, car football...'
0:56:13 > 0:56:14- Ooh,- BLEEP!
0:56:14 > 0:56:16'..is well-suited to a...'
0:56:16 > 0:56:18CRUNCH!
0:56:18 > 0:56:22Sorry. That was a total mistake. My fault.
0:56:22 > 0:56:23That's not cricket.
0:56:23 > 0:56:26It's actually not that bad. It'll buff out.
0:56:27 > 0:56:29'Despite some injuries,
0:56:29 > 0:56:33'all the Kias were still playing as the match entered its final phase.'
0:56:35 > 0:56:38Oh, he's on a run!
0:56:38 > 0:56:40Oh, come on, men!
0:56:42 > 0:56:45Pass it. Don't try and get through. Pass.
0:56:45 > 0:56:46No!
0:56:46 > 0:56:48It's us! It's us! Go, go, go!
0:56:51 > 0:56:55Yes! Yes! Yes! Looking good!
0:56:57 > 0:56:59Oh, don't back up!
0:56:59 > 0:57:00Go!
0:57:04 > 0:57:06Yes! That is a try!
0:57:06 > 0:57:08SCOREBOARD BUZZES
0:57:08 > 0:57:09SIREN WAILS
0:57:09 > 0:57:10Read it and weep!
0:57:10 > 0:57:13MUSIC: "Jerusalem"
0:57:24 > 0:57:27I think we've learned two things tonight.
0:57:27 > 0:57:29Number one, if you want to play rugby in a car,
0:57:29 > 0:57:31the Cee'd is brilliant.
0:57:31 > 0:57:34It's fast, it's agile and it's tough.
0:57:34 > 0:57:37But, perhaps more importantly,
0:57:37 > 0:57:40we've learned that grass is not a good surface.
0:57:40 > 0:57:43I mean, we've only played one match here and look,
0:57:43 > 0:57:47the pitch is completely ruined - absolutely ruined.
0:57:49 > 0:57:51They're going to have to pave this over, really.
0:57:56 > 0:58:00APPLAUSE
0:58:00 > 0:58:01Hold on!
0:58:01 > 0:58:03I thought it was.
0:58:03 > 0:58:04Hold on.
0:58:04 > 0:58:05- Chaps?!- What?
0:58:05 > 0:58:09Do you know why they call it hallowed turf?
0:58:09 > 0:58:11Erm...
0:58:11 > 0:58:14Because it is hallowed. Do you know what hallowed means?
0:58:14 > 0:58:16Temporary.
0:58:16 > 0:58:17LAUGHTER
0:58:17 > 0:58:22Yes, yes, James. "Our Father who art in heaven, temporary be thy name."
0:58:22 > 0:58:26- Oh, yeah.- I do think we owe everyone a apology.- Yes, you do.
0:58:26 > 0:58:30Because we've just shown strong pornography before the watershed.
0:58:30 > 0:58:33- Sorry, what? - All that handbrake action.
0:58:33 > 0:58:35Oh, yes.
0:58:35 > 0:58:38Every single girl watching tonight will be cross-eyed.
0:58:38 > 0:58:41- Good point.- They don't see two fat middle-aged men any more.
0:58:41 > 0:58:44What they see are Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds.
0:58:44 > 0:58:48- I'm not sure the handbrake lever is that effective.- Yes, it is.
0:58:48 > 0:58:50And on that bombshell, it is time to end.
0:58:50 > 0:58:53Thank you so much for watching. Good night!
0:58:53 > 0:58:56APPLAUSE
0:59:15 > 0:59:19Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:59:22 > 0:59:25I've got to get a picture of this.
0:59:25 > 0:59:27CHEERS AND APPLAUSE