0:00:17 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Hello. Hello, everybody, thank you very much. Thank you.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- A big welcome!- Nice.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30A big welcome. Thank you and welcome.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Welcome to what is a very special show,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38because it is our Christmas special.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Yeah, and this year it's a little bit different.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- Yeah, because it's actually the middle of March.- It is.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49The main reason it's a little bit different is because our producers
0:00:49 > 0:00:53have told us that we should try our hands at long-distance lorry driving.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- Literally, my idea of heaven.- Yeah.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59They told us each to buy a truck and report with it
0:00:59 > 0:01:04to what the BBC calls the Republic of the Union of Myanmar.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08But everybody else calls it Burma.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20The meeting point was a giant parade ground
0:01:20 > 0:01:24in the middle of the old capital city, Rangoon.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28And I was the first to arrive.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39ENGINE SQUEALS INTO SILENCE
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I've bought a stereo.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I have a speaker system here in the roof,
0:01:44 > 0:01:48the passenger seat has been replaced with a subwoofer,
0:01:48 > 0:01:53and there are two amps with a combined power of 2,300 watts.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57The best thing is, included in the price was this comb
0:01:57 > 0:02:01and...an entire lorry.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09It was built in 1959...
0:02:09 > 0:02:13or 1976. People are a bit hazy on that.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17What we do know for sure is that Isuzu made the mud flaps,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20which is odd, because it says Mitsubishi on the axles.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Ooh! - ENGINE APPROACHES
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Is that James? It is James.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Don't really call that a lorry.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Morning.- Van, mate.- What?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- We had to bring lorries. - That is a lorry.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- It's a van. - Technically it's a crane, actually. I've bought a crane.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- Oh, is that what that is? - Look at that.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51A crane, two winches, hydraulic rams, legs...
0:02:51 > 0:02:54'And it had the latest in high-tech dashboards.'
0:02:54 > 0:02:56That's a mess.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Isn't this going to drive your OCD madness...
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Well, I've put labels on things corresponding to what I think they do.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Hazards... What's that? I've got one of those.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- I've had to put a question mark on it.- Mine is a sports lorry.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14Straight six, rear-wheel drive, twin exhausts.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18BMW 325i and this, almost identical.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- Banging stereo.- Really?
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- Seriously. You want to hear it? - Not really. I expect it's quite...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29DEAFENING MUSIC
0:03:29 > 0:03:32MUSIC DISTORTS AT HIGH VOLUME
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Anyway, I'm sure that won't become annoying at all.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- I need to ask you a question.- What? - Why are you wearing a tie?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Because I'm a modern lorry driver,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47and modern lorry drivers are crisp and sharp.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49The days are over when you simply turned up
0:03:49 > 0:03:53with a glove box full of strong pornography and egg on your vest.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58At this point, Hammond arrived
0:03:58 > 0:04:00with a glove box full of strong pornography and egg on his vest.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03CLEARS THROAT What do you think?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06What is it? A lorry or a Hindu temple?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- This has been extensively modded. - Has it?
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Not just the visual improvements.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15They are significant, the lights and the little studdy things, but note...
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Oh, God.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- All of that frame arrangement, right, it's a farm truck.- Yeah.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And that's so it can accommodate those low-density big loads.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- Big loads of what?- Crops. - What crop? Here? In Burma?
0:04:27 > 0:04:32- Home of the Golden Triangle? - Hay.- No.- Or turnips.- No.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33- Kale.- No, heroin.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37That's all they really grow here. You've bought a heroin lorry.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Fit a lot of heroine in there, wouldn't you?
0:04:39 > 0:04:44- Hammond, this seat, well, let's be honest, it's a church pew.- Yeah.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48It looks like the sort of railway carriage that Agatha Christie went about in.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50James has bought a van.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Has he parked it a long way away, or is it that small?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58'As we were admiring the paintwork on Jeremy's lorry, our challenge arrived.'
0:05:02 > 0:05:07I'm quite excited, actually, come to think of it! We're here with these.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11"In 1943, British, Australian and Dutch prisoners of war
0:05:11 > 0:05:15"were forced by their Japanese captors to build the Burma Railway
0:05:15 > 0:05:17"across South-East Asia.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21"Their efforts and their suffering were immortalised in the film
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"Bridge On The River Kwai. That's what you're going to do.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27"You're going to build a river bridge which is strong enough
0:05:27 > 0:05:31"to support the weight of your lorries."
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- I don't know anything about bridge-building.- Build a bridge?!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- How big a bridge are we going to have to build...- Yeah, how big?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- How much does yours weigh?- About 1,000 tonnes.- Afraid it gets worse.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- You know they said long-distance lorry driving?- Yes.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49"The only trouble is that you have to drive to the river in question,
0:05:49 > 0:05:50"which is in Thailand."
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- The River Kwai is not in Thailand. - Yes, it is.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- The River Kwai is in Thailand. - Is it?- Where's Thailand? - But it's in...
0:05:57 > 0:05:58I promise you, the River Kwai,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I know everyone thinks it's Burma, it isn't, it's Thailand.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05So we're going to go and build a bridge over the River Kwai.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- Like Alec Guinness. - I don't know how to build a bridge.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12THEY WHISTLE "Colonel Bogey March"
0:06:12 > 0:06:15'In high spirits, the journey began.'
0:06:19 > 0:06:22We are off.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Oh, yeah.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32We worked out that the most sensible way of getting to the river
0:06:32 > 0:06:33was to head right across Burma
0:06:33 > 0:06:37to its northernmost border crossing with Thailand.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42On this epic 1,200 mile journey,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46we would find strange new cities with no-one in them,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49cross mountain ranges straight out of Jurassic Park,
0:06:49 > 0:06:54ford disease-filled rivers and attend a party which made
0:06:54 > 0:06:58the scene at the end of Apocalypse Now look like a quiet night in.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02And we'd have to do it all in lorries which,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05right at the start, weren't really working properly.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09There are gauges. Nothing works.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Nothing at all. Not one of them.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16Not fuel gauge, oil, oil pressure, charge, vacuum,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19temperature, nothing works.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- GEARS RASP - Oh, God above!
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Ah! That's not it.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28There's no synchromesh on this gearbox,
0:07:28 > 0:07:32so when you go from third to second or whatever, you have to -
0:07:32 > 0:07:35oh, bloody Nora - double de-clutch.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37GEARS RASP
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Like that. Only smoother.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Oh! - RATTLING AND SCRAPING
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Oh, God.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52How fast am I going? Speedo doesn't work.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Oh, my giddy aunt! The ride is shocking.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59OG!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Possibly a bit of play in the steering.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Let me talk you through my brakes. They don't really work.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I've got three centimetres of pedal travel where nothing happens,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16and then a millimetre where it all happens and the wheels lock up.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22There's no handbrake, and I'm not being stupid. I've looked everywhere.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25There isn't a puh-chh! one, there isn't hand one, there isn't a switch.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29And on top of the mechanical problems,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32we had to deal with Rangoon's pedestrians.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35CARS HONK HORNS
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Stop wandering about in the road!
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Whoa! A granddad's just walked by that child, right underneath your lorry.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Whoa! Somebody else just did it.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51Pedestrians have no concept of traffic. None at all.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54And there was another issue.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59One of the reasons that driving here is so difficult
0:08:59 > 0:09:04is because everybody, as you can see, has right-hand-drive cars,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07but they drive on the right.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13And this is because, for 46 years, Burma was run by
0:09:13 > 0:09:18a chap called General Ne Win, who was a proper lunatic.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25He was guided mostly either by his dreams or by his astrologers.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29One morning, he woke up and he thought,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"My country is slipping too far to the left politically,
0:09:32 > 0:09:36"so I shall correct this by forcing everybody
0:09:36 > 0:09:39"to drive on the right-hand side of the road."
0:09:40 > 0:09:44This makes life particularly difficult for bus passengers.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48In a minute, we'll see a bus pulled up at the side of the road,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51at a bus stop, but all the people will be getting out
0:09:51 > 0:09:55into the road, because the bus used to go on the left, so the doors...
0:09:55 > 0:09:57It's just complete madness!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02You may be wondering why today
0:10:02 > 0:10:06people don't buy left-hand-drive cars...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10..and if I'm honest, I'm wondering that as well.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Our worst problem, however, was that James was navigating.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20James, can I say, this can't be right.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23HORNS HONK Sorry! Sorry!
0:10:25 > 0:10:29How does James ever land his aeroplane where he wants to be?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Right, should be this way.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- 'It wasn't.' - Will I even fit down there?
0:10:44 > 0:10:49- Mind that sign on your right, Hammond.- This is ridiculously tight!
0:10:49 > 0:10:54'As I sorted out some compensation for the damaged fruit...'
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- Thank you.- No, no! - Oh, I see, it was not enough.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00'..Hammond was discovering for the very first time
0:11:00 > 0:11:02'the problems of being tall.'
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Hold on a second, these wires... these are too low.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Oh, God.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- I'm thinking if I crane out... - It's only this one, isn't it?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Yeah, lift that, you come underneath, I'll drop it on you,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19then it will just slide along your rails.
0:11:19 > 0:11:25- Do it. - How about five crisp English pounds?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27SHE SPEAKS IN HER OWN LANGUAGE
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Keep coming. Keep coming.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Haven't been electrocuted yet.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Haven't been electrocuted yet. Still haven't been electrocuted.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I don't like it! Oh, everyone's going to die!
0:11:46 > 0:11:47BANG!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50You've ripped a hole in the top of my truck!
0:11:50 > 0:11:55- James...- Why is your... Your lorry's moving, James!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- You've winched yourself into... - Put your handbrake on.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- It hasn't got a handbrake. - What do you mean, it hasn't got a handbrake?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02It hasn't got a handbrake!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07'We were causing chaos.'
0:12:13 > 0:12:14It's broken.
0:12:22 > 0:12:27- Whoa! What was that?! - James, I've got a headache!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I've never concentrated this hard!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Sorry.- I don't think it will go through there, mate.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38HE SIGHS
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Sorry. Sorry.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Still, the good news is we've done two miles.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54'Mercifully, we eventually broke free from the narrow streets.'
0:12:56 > 0:13:00I'm in agony. Left foot, endless gear changing...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- GEARS CREAK - God above.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Reverse.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Third... Oh, Christ!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Hang on a minute.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14If I engage the low range then I can put it in third gear
0:13:14 > 0:13:16and basically leave it there all day.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22A-ha! How brilliant is this?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Oh, yeah.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27No more gear changing.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29MECHANICAL WHIRRING
0:13:31 > 0:13:33That doesn't feel very low range to me.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37What is it if it isn't a low-range gearbox?
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Oh, my God!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55My truck has split in half.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03'After I had explained to Jeremy that he'd bought a tipper lorry,
0:14:03 > 0:14:07'I then had to deal with CW McCall on the CB radio.'
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- Hey, James.- Hello.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- I've got it.- You've got it?
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Yeah, my handle.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18I'm going to be called Fighting Peacock.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24- Can I just abbreviate that to Cock? - What are you going to be?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I thought I'd be James, because that's my name.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Fighting Peacock!
0:14:32 > 0:14:36'On the outskirts of Rangoon, we came across a memorial
0:14:36 > 0:14:38'to the 27,000 Commonwealth soldiers
0:14:38 > 0:14:41'who died here in the Second World War.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48'It was a timely reminder that the Bridge On The River Kwai
0:14:48 > 0:14:51'was rather more than a Sunday afternoon movie.'
0:14:55 > 0:14:58"The Japanese sergeant moved into position, lifted his pick handle
0:14:58 > 0:15:02"and delivered a blow across Smith's back that would have laid out a bull.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04"All the thugs now set to in earnest.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06"Soon, little could be seen but the rise and fall
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"of pick helves above the heads of the group,
0:15:08 > 0:15:13"and there were sickening thuds as blows went home on the squirming, kicking body,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17"periodically pulled back onto its feet only to be knocked down again.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20"Bill Smith cried out repeatedly that he was 50 years of age,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"appealing for mercy, but to no avail..."
0:15:28 > 0:15:33The tragedy is that all of those 27,000 men
0:15:33 > 0:15:35died fighting for the liberation of Burma,
0:15:35 > 0:15:39and straight after the war, Britain got rid of it
0:15:39 > 0:15:43and then it fell into the hands of a tin-pot dictator and Mystic Meg.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51'With James still map-reading, we headed out into the countryside,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54'where we hoped the driving would be less stressful.'
0:15:57 > 0:16:00ENGINES ROAR PAST AND HORNS HONK
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- BLEEP- Nora!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08That's my first lock-up, total lock-up.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I've lost second gear.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12There it is.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Jeremy, that bus overtaking you, he's mad.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19HORNS HONK INCESSANTLY
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Look, I can't, I'm trying to change gear.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30'The miles and the hours rolled by.'
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Ow! Ow!
0:16:44 > 0:16:48I'm sitting on a church pew, for God's sake.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51My knee... Ah!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Ow! Ow!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55My knee! Ow!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00That is the going down of the sun.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04It's fabulous. Look at that.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20However, when the sun had finished going down,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22things weren't so fabulous.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31That girl on that bike, she's just invisible.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35There's a moped there with no lights on
0:17:35 > 0:17:37and a bicycle there with no lights on,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39and I can't really see them,
0:17:39 > 0:17:43because my headlights are, well, they're glow-worms in jam jars.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Can you see anything, Hammond?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Not a thing.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Literally, just my own stupid reflection in my windscreen.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02Jeez, I'm so frightened of running over a pedestrian,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I'm not even worried about my knee any more.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- HORN HONKS SUDDENLY - Whoa!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Well, if I had to dip the headlights,
0:18:14 > 0:18:19it would appear to be full beam or off.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30A lorry with one central headlamp, so you think it's a motorbike
0:18:30 > 0:18:34until the last second, and then, no! It's a massive truck!
0:18:39 > 0:18:45I'm bloody tired. I've been driving today for exactly 12 hours.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49That would be illegal in Britain.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53But we are now very close to the overnight hotel.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00'Two agonising hours later, we reached it.'
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- Do you know what? This is like a trucker's place.- Are we staying here?
0:19:19 > 0:19:23'The producers said yes, and that our room was upstairs.'
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- Oh, it's not so bad! - Is it not so bad?- Yeah.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Oh, God.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Worst night's sleep in history. - It wasn't sleep.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- This lot.- What were they doing?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09ENGINE SPUTTERS NOISILY INTO LIFE
0:20:09 > 0:20:10That.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Look what I've done.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15What have you done?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20It's a leg brace so I can change gear. So it supports my knee.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- Let's go.- Let's just move on, erase it...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28You know those Ice Road Truckers, they're always going,
0:20:28 > 0:20:32"We got a real tough job..." They can shut up.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Cos I don't suspect that the Ice Road Truckers
0:20:35 > 0:20:37have to sleep like this chap here.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Look at him.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46'Before leaving, I checked the map to see how far we'd come.'
0:20:47 > 0:20:52No? Here? Are you sure?
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Here.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- Show me.- Hammond.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07This is where we began.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13We're heading for here, up here, around here.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16So where do you think we are, then, on this road?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19No. We're here.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24You know that fork when we left Rangoon and James went left?
0:21:24 > 0:21:31All of yesterday we drove up here. What was it, 14, 15 hours?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Yeah, but...- You're on the way to Bangladesh.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38'James suggested we go all the way back to Rangoon
0:21:38 > 0:21:42'and start again, but I fired him as navigator and said
0:21:42 > 0:21:46'we should take a small road over the hills to get back on course.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53'This would mean driving deep into the sticks.'
0:21:58 > 0:22:01There seems to be a tradition here for riding on a lorry rather than
0:22:01 > 0:22:04necessarily in it. I've just seen three or four blokes
0:22:04 > 0:22:08on the top of the cab of a lorry.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11So if he brakes suddenly,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14they all get run over, I suppose.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18'Still, could be worse.'
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Uh!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I'm not a young man and I'm not a fit man, I'll be honest.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33And I am suffering in here. This ride is really brutal.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37The problem is that the sports lorry was designed
0:22:37 > 0:22:38to work for a living,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42was designed to have five or six tonnes of stuff in the back.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47Without that weight, it's just bouncing all over the place.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51'Obviously, I didn't want to admit this to my colleagues,
0:22:51 > 0:22:57'so when we stopped for tea I tried discreetly to rectify the problem.'
0:22:59 > 0:23:02CLANG! JEREMY TRIES TO DISGUISE IT WITH A COUGH
0:23:03 > 0:23:05HE FEIGNS COUGHING
0:23:06 > 0:23:09He's putting bricks in his truck to weigh it down to improve the ride.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13I can see. He's going to need a lot of bricks.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16'Having come to the same conclusion,
0:23:16 > 0:23:20'I decided to borrow James's complicated crane.'
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I can't stand watching this.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Right.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- What the hell's happening? - What have you done, you moron?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I think you've actually caught your own lorry.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Stop! Help! My knee!
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Save the day!
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Oh, dear.- Stop! Put it down!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17You'll break the jib off the crane. And you've knackered my lorry.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I've just saved the day by tipping my lorry up.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24The bricks have fallen out, the handbrake's not on.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- What have you done?- It is on.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32'At this point, I opted for a less high-tech solution.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42'And after they'd loaded a tonne of bricks in the back,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44'there was a noticeable difference.'
0:24:46 > 0:24:49It's not perfect, but it's a hell of a lot better.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54If I put more weight in, it will be even more comfortable.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00'So at the next village, I bought some of the region's special seeds.'
0:25:02 > 0:25:03What's he doing?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07He thinks he's bought some heroin.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- I have.- Has he?
0:25:09 > 0:25:14- I have bought heroin.- It's rice. - It isn't rice.- It is rice.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19Richard Hammond, trust me on this, on the streets of London,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21this has a value of £12 million.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29No, mate, on the shelves of Tesco, that has a value of about a fiver.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- It's not rice! - Are you going to cut it with peas?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40'With the heroin loaded,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42'I found a heavy old tree stump
0:25:42 > 0:25:45'and asked James to crane it on board as well.'
0:25:46 > 0:25:48He is so unbelievably happy.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56'With the sports lorry fully loaded, it was transformed.'
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Oh, yeah!
0:25:58 > 0:26:04First bump, I shan't even feel it, because the ride is sublime.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07The ride of a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13'However, on the hills, there was a bit of a downside.'
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Hello, James and Richard?
0:26:18 > 0:26:19What?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23This is my new top speed.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Oh, God, I thought we were stuck behind a moped.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I couldn't see. Is this it?
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Yes.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32You're a right dipstick.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Yes.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41'And because the road was so narrow, we couldn't get past him.'
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Uh-oh!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Steep gradient.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Foot hard down.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Dearie me, we're in trouble here.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59This is ridiculous! We're hardly moving.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08ENGINE REVS AND THEN STOPS
0:27:08 > 0:27:11No, we've had it. You're going to have to back up.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16- I need a run-up for this bit.- What? - It won't go up this hill.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17You're going to have to back up.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20No, this hill has gone on for about a mile through hairpins.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I'm not reversing back down.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27James, could you explain the situation to him? I can't go forwards.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28I can't back up either.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32A, Hammond's in the way, and B, I can't be bothered.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35..There's round bends, this people on bikes. No.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Well, there's only one thing for it, then. I have to lose weight.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46MECHANICAL WHIRRING Oh, no.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50No! Jeremy, that's not...
0:28:01 > 0:28:05You are a complete child, a petulant child.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12You wanted me to move out of your way.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I am now able to move out of your way.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Look at this. Yes!
0:28:26 > 0:28:31This lorry is now scampering up these hills.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Right. Well...
0:28:41 > 0:28:44One, two...
0:28:50 > 0:28:54'Stopping to mend my tailgate allowed the others to catch up,
0:28:54 > 0:28:58'and when they did, they weren't in the best of moods.'
0:28:59 > 0:29:04- I've got a new handle for you on the CB. It's called Selfish- BLEEP.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08'And things didn't improve a few miles later
0:29:08 > 0:29:12'when the hill route I'd selected went a bit wrong.'
0:29:16 > 0:29:20Your road is sort of not a road, is it? Let's be honest.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Clarkson, you are a...
0:29:22 > 0:29:24It's not really a road here at all. We've got a ford.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Here we go, into the water.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40Lots of wheel spin, sliding badly.
0:29:44 > 0:29:45Oh, yes.
0:29:46 > 0:29:50The sports lorry is clear, it's through.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52It's time for the smug face.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58'Mr Slowly went next...in his van.'
0:30:06 > 0:30:08That's quite clunky.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19It's... There's something stuck there, I can feel it.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22We'll break the front axle off.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25'Hammond immediately rushed to May's aid.'
0:30:25 > 0:30:26Ramming.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Stop!
0:30:30 > 0:30:32'James then tried to winch himself off
0:30:32 > 0:30:35'using Hammond's truck as a ground anchor.'
0:30:37 > 0:30:41Ted Nugent and George Michael are helping one another out.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47'After this failed, I tried to tow him clear.'
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Three, two, one, now.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55'But that didn't work either.'
0:30:55 > 0:30:57Stop!
0:30:57 > 0:31:01'He then decided to use his crane, which immediately broke.
0:31:05 > 0:31:10'He really was stuck, so we were forced to take drastic action.'
0:31:12 > 0:31:15Hammond and I have had a bit of a chat and we are...
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Well, we're leaving him.
0:31:18 > 0:31:23He has bought a van that has no traction at all,
0:31:23 > 0:31:25no ability to work off road
0:31:25 > 0:31:28and now no hydraulics so none of his tools work.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31You've got to be ruthless in these circumstances.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33With his crane, he was useful.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Without it, he's just another mouth to feed.
0:31:38 > 0:31:43'I settled in for another stint with the world's most cooperative gearbox.'
0:31:43 > 0:31:47Oh, bollocks, missed again.
0:31:47 > 0:31:48Nothing there.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Nothing there, there it is.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56'I knew, on these twisting roads, life was even worse for Hammond.'
0:32:01 > 0:32:02This is really annoying.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05'Still, at least I was moving.'
0:32:10 > 0:32:11The situation report.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14I've been rescued by a very helpful local man with his truck.
0:32:14 > 0:32:15I still don't know his name.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17He's lent me this arc welder
0:32:17 > 0:32:21to repair the shaft that drives the pump that makes the crane work.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27'With that done, my fellow knight of the road towed me
0:32:27 > 0:32:29'back to firmer ground.'
0:32:31 > 0:32:33And then we're free.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38I must remember to say a thousand chei-zu-boos to this man.
0:32:40 > 0:32:46'Miles ahead. in the advance party, we were really starting to climb.'
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Oh-ho-ho!
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Wow!
0:32:52 > 0:32:54'The views were stunning.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00'And at the top of the hill, we pulled over for a bit of a look.'
0:33:06 > 0:33:09You know we always say that Italy is God's race track,
0:33:09 > 0:33:13Canada is his pantry, Germany is his workshop?
0:33:14 > 0:33:16That's his garden.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20Absolutely staggering.
0:33:21 > 0:33:26'Captain Traction would have enjoyed this view very much, however...'
0:33:34 > 0:33:35Bollocks.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41ENGINE STRUGGLES
0:33:46 > 0:33:50The local bloke with a digger is giving me a little leg up there.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55HE TOOTS HORN
0:33:55 > 0:33:59It's great, isn't it? This must be Buddhism in action.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01I might convert.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03From whatever I already am.
0:34:05 > 0:34:09'Very, very far ahead, Hammond and I finally found the road
0:34:09 > 0:34:12'we should have been on in the first place.'
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Put it in top gear.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31There it is. Oh, yeah.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33That sounds terrible.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38It's like being back in Spain. Nothing on it.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44'Regrouped, we continued onwards.
0:34:44 > 0:34:49'Our destination, Burma's brand-new capital city, Naypyidaw.'
0:34:58 > 0:35:03'Here, the producers had once again lined up a hovel for us to stay in.
0:35:03 > 0:35:07'But we were hot, filthy and worn out.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10'So we ignored them and headed for the best hotel in town.'
0:35:13 > 0:35:15A flushing lavatory.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Oh, rest my weary head.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21Having first filled it with gin.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26Oh, listen to that rain.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31It'll be like the shower or something. 30 seconds.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36'Our only problem was that two of us
0:35:36 > 0:35:39'weren't exactly dressed for a place like this.'
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Let me do the talking.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43- Good evening, sir.- Evening, sir.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45HE CLEARS THROAT
0:35:45 > 0:35:46Three rooms, please.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Sorry, no more rooms, sir.
0:35:53 > 0:35:54Fully booked.
0:36:00 > 0:36:01Sorry, sir.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06THUNDERCLAPS
0:36:12 > 0:36:15'The next morning after another dreadful night,
0:36:15 > 0:36:19'we decided enough was enough and agreed we should modify our lorries
0:36:19 > 0:36:24'to make them more suitable for our travels through Burma.
0:36:25 > 0:36:29'So we found a workshop, hired some local help,
0:36:29 > 0:36:31'toiled through the night,
0:36:31 > 0:36:35'and the next morning the job was done.'
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Every modification I have made
0:36:41 > 0:36:44is inspired by my desire not to run over any of the locals.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47So it has, for example, Buddha looking down,
0:36:47 > 0:36:50a lucky elephant, the lucky owl which is very important,
0:36:50 > 0:36:52it has better mirrors,
0:36:52 > 0:36:55better lights and it is wearing a high visibility jacket.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58- Yes, as are you. What is the boiler in the back?- That...
0:36:58 > 0:37:00- Are you brewing beer? - What? No, sadly.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03It's the water tank for the brake cooling system.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06- What, like racing lorries have? - Exactly like that.
0:37:06 > 0:37:07It sprays. I've got a little switch.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10It sprays water on the drums, makes them more efficient downhill.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14- I didn't think of that. - No.- What's the box?
0:37:14 > 0:37:17- Air conditioning.- What's that got to do with safety?- Keeps me alert.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19- Does it?- Yes. - And keeps him alert as well.
0:37:19 > 0:37:21- Because he'll want to break it.- Yes.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24'Jeremy then showed us his work.'
0:37:28 > 0:37:35- Why would you not have a convertible lorry.- Cos it's raining.- Look at it!
0:37:35 > 0:37:38- It's... It's quite good actually. - Smashing.- It's very good.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41Shelby striping. Sports badging on the side.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Living accommodation on the back.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46- This is fashioned from lead and rhodium.- Is it?
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Yes, for extra weight to improve my ride. Come back.
0:37:50 > 0:37:57Simple, crisp accommodation inside, Shelby bedding and ebony wood floor.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00- More weight. Come on! - It looks brilliant.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05'As, it must be said, did Hammond's.'
0:38:05 > 0:38:08- Hammond, you've got white walls! - Oh, yeah, yeah!
0:38:08 > 0:38:12- The ugly duckling has become a swan. - Wow!- Yeah!
0:38:12 > 0:38:15- Check out my stacks.- Please don't tell me they're exhausts.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17Yeah. Both sides.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20- What, actually func...? They are. - Yeah, there's a T-junction.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24- Hang on, you've made it even taller. - I have. It's bigger, isn't it?
0:38:24 > 0:38:27It's better. But, come round the back, this... Honestly.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30- He did a little skip then. He's very excited.- He did a skip.
0:38:30 > 0:38:36I am very, very... What I have here, this is the bathroom area. Shower.
0:38:36 > 0:38:41- It's got a shower.- Where's the water come from? Ha-ha!- Ha-ha yourself.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44There is, up the top, a reservoir. About so big.
0:38:44 > 0:38:49- On my viewing gallery.- Hammond, it's a bucket.- It's...- It's a bucket.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51It's a remote reservoir.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53And that is, right now,
0:38:53 > 0:38:56collecting beautiful crisp, clean, fresh, invigorating rainwater.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59- This is the kitchen area with lino to reflect that.- What's that?
0:38:59 > 0:39:00Over there is a wardrobe.
0:39:00 > 0:39:05There is a hammock with mosquito net built-in. Drinks globe on the right.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07'And Hammond wasn't finished.'
0:39:07 > 0:39:11From up here, on a sunny evening, I can sit here as the sun goes down,
0:39:11 > 0:39:14gaze at the stars and enjoy a drink from my drinks globe.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16- Do you take visitors?- Yeah.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19I think he's going to have to because something has just occurred to me.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22- What?- You haven't got any living accommodation.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24That's a very good point. You've forgotten it, you idiot!
0:39:24 > 0:39:26No, I haven't.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31- Well, you have. - Are you sleeping in the cab?
0:39:31 > 0:39:34- Because it's not going to be comparable.- Let's... Let's see.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38'Before we set off, I gave the chaps some presents.'
0:39:38 > 0:39:42- You bought us a teddy bear? - No, that's for me.- Is it?
0:39:42 > 0:39:45- Yeah, that's my bonnet ornament.- Are you feeling lonely? It's your what?
0:39:45 > 0:39:49Bonnet ornament for weight. It's the heaviest teddy bear in Burma.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52'I'd got Hammond a bonnet ornament too.'
0:39:53 > 0:39:56Wow, that's beautiful.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58I know you don't have a clock so you'll have it on the bonnet,
0:39:58 > 0:40:01- you'll be able to tell the time. - Oh, it really is...
0:40:01 > 0:40:06- It's a high-quality gift. - Oh, fantastic! Thank you.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08I've always wanted a Shuanglin hammer.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10It's from my own personal collection.
0:40:13 > 0:40:19'Having christened my bear Rudyard, and attached him to the sports lorry, we set off.'
0:40:20 > 0:40:23Oh, this feels better already.
0:40:23 > 0:40:24Oh, hang on.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31Richard Hammond is doing a remake of The Poseidon Adventure.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36'We had many miles to cover
0:40:36 > 0:40:40'but first we had to get through Naypyidaw's morning rush hour.'
0:40:45 > 0:40:48This rush hour traffic is not as bad as I thought.
0:40:48 > 0:40:53'The roads were completely empty. And massive.'
0:41:07 > 0:41:13One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Yep, 16 lanes now.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16HE LAUGHS
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Wait, it's gone bigger.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. 20.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24It's 20 lanes now.
0:41:25 > 0:41:30'This may look stupid and pointless, but actually it really isn't.'
0:41:31 > 0:41:34The problem with most cities is that the growth comes
0:41:34 > 0:41:37and the city simply can't accommodate it.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40That happened in London, Rome, Paris, Bangkok, everywhere.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42That is not going to happen here.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47I think this must be the first city built
0:41:47 > 0:41:49entirely in anticipation of the future.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55'But the future hasn't arrived yet.
0:41:58 > 0:42:02'So, for now, the whole place is almost completely deserted.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09'Even here, in the shadow of the parliament building,
0:42:09 > 0:42:14'we were able to have a game of football in the middle of the road.'
0:42:14 > 0:42:15Officer.
0:42:18 > 0:42:23- It's the Burmese police versus Top Gear.- Oh, no.- Rush hour, game over.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Look at it, traffic.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Really though, it was too wet for football.
0:42:28 > 0:42:33So, much to Hammond's annoyance, we organised a city centre drag race.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36ENGINES REV
0:42:36 > 0:42:39This doesn't seem fair.
0:42:39 > 0:42:44I've got the same 6.4 litre Isuzu straight-six diesel as Jeremy's
0:42:44 > 0:42:49and probably James's, but the lumber bus is bigger.
0:42:50 > 0:42:54We're not going to cover ourselves in glory here, old girl.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00HE COUNTS DOWN
0:43:03 > 0:43:05- Disastrous start.- There it is!
0:43:09 > 0:43:12This is going to hurt, we're going to have to rev you hard.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18- Sports truck is gaining.- Gaining.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21- Gaining.- Gaining, gaining.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23No!
0:43:27 > 0:43:29115km an hour.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33- Come on!- Yes!
0:43:38 > 0:43:40Oh, victory is sweet.
0:43:42 > 0:43:45Second place. But I have got a crane.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47Must brake, must brake.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51Oh, got a football under the brake pedal. That's bad.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55Hammond, have you finished yet?
0:44:00 > 0:44:01Still going.
0:44:03 > 0:44:08'After Hammond had lumbered across the line, we headed out of Naypyidaw
0:44:08 > 0:44:12'and soon we started to discover some flaws with our modifications.'
0:44:16 > 0:44:19Oh, my... No...no, wait.
0:44:22 > 0:44:26I'm speaking to you now from underneath my businessman's umbrella.
0:44:27 > 0:44:31It has taken the water about 15 minutes to fathom it out
0:44:31 > 0:44:34but it's in here now and it's in in great quantities.
0:44:36 > 0:44:39Oh, I can hear my exhaust hitting a tree.
0:44:43 > 0:44:47Hammond, you're doing the council out of a job, mate.
0:44:47 > 0:44:51It's like I'm driving through the aftermath of a hurricane.
0:44:51 > 0:44:54Let's rename him Pruning Peacock.
0:44:54 > 0:44:56JEREMY LAUGHS
0:44:59 > 0:45:03'Soon, though, James was punished for mocking.'
0:45:05 > 0:45:07Captain Workmanship.
0:45:07 > 0:45:10It's a radiator hose. It's not a bit I've touched.
0:45:11 > 0:45:13Well, we have a tradition.
0:45:13 > 0:45:17Oh, no, how am I going to do it without them(!)
0:45:17 > 0:45:20'Leaving James to deliver an interesting lecture...'
0:45:20 > 0:45:23If you're watching this from an engineering workshop
0:45:23 > 0:45:26or technical college, this is not the correct tool for the job.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29'..we continued on our way.'
0:45:40 > 0:45:44I think a lot of the fumes are coming into the cab from under my new stack.
0:45:46 > 0:45:50Not all of my improvements have turned out to be improvements.
0:45:52 > 0:45:54GLASS SMASHES
0:45:56 > 0:46:00The simple tradition of the British dustman,
0:46:00 > 0:46:03putting a teddy bear on the front of a lorry,
0:46:03 > 0:46:05is bringing joy to the children of Burma.
0:46:06 > 0:46:08They love Rudyard!
0:46:13 > 0:46:16'By mid-afternoon we were all reunited
0:46:16 > 0:46:21'and James took advantage of my mobile maintenance service.'
0:46:23 > 0:46:25This isn't perilous at all(!)
0:46:25 > 0:46:29Oh, it's about three or four inches.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Too far.
0:46:31 > 0:46:33LAUGHTER
0:46:35 > 0:46:39'Soon, the road started to climb, and as night fell,
0:46:39 > 0:46:42'I turned on the roof lights that I'd fitted myself.'
0:46:44 > 0:46:46Oh, yes!
0:46:46 > 0:46:49MUSIC: "The Great Gig In The Sky" by Pink Floyd
0:46:49 > 0:46:52I'm driving a Pink Floyd gig right now.
0:47:00 > 0:47:04I love this! The noise, the chaos, the heat...
0:47:05 > 0:47:08CLANGING
0:47:09 > 0:47:11I think I might have just lost one of my...
0:47:11 > 0:47:14Yeah, I did. I lost a stack.
0:47:15 > 0:47:17I've got to carry on.
0:47:17 > 0:47:19I'm just going to pretend I didn't.
0:47:21 > 0:47:27'Meanwhile, in the darkness, James was coming over all Buddhist.'
0:47:27 > 0:47:30Hang on, I've got a personal dog escort here.
0:47:33 > 0:47:35Shift your ass, dog.
0:47:35 > 0:47:36HORN HONKS
0:47:36 > 0:47:38Oh, God, give me strength!
0:47:41 > 0:47:47I think that dog was inhabited by a benign spirit.
0:47:47 > 0:47:50Seriously - if that dog hadn't done that,
0:47:50 > 0:47:53I'd have gone onto the bridge and I'd have hit the bus.
0:47:55 > 0:48:00'Sadly, Buddhist dog wasn't around when five miles later,
0:48:00 > 0:48:01'I had another breakdown.'
0:48:04 > 0:48:07That's what came off. That's the old one, which tore itself to shreds
0:48:07 > 0:48:11and in the process, pulled the wire out of the sender
0:48:11 > 0:48:14for the temperature gauge, so I don't have that any more.
0:48:14 > 0:48:15This lorry is crap.
0:48:18 > 0:48:20'Up ahead, Richard and I were looking forward
0:48:20 > 0:48:23'to a night in our new on-board accommodation.
0:48:26 > 0:48:30'But thanks to the British Empire, we didn't need it.'
0:48:33 > 0:48:35'After a night here,
0:48:35 > 0:48:40'4,000 feet up a mountain in a small village in the middle of Burma,
0:48:40 > 0:48:45'at this strangely odd but comfortable Bournemouth hotel,
0:48:45 > 0:48:47'we were feeling refreshed.
0:48:48 > 0:48:50'And with Hammond leading,
0:48:50 > 0:48:53''we were out of the village in a mere couple of hours.'
0:48:55 > 0:48:57Hang on - whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:48:58 > 0:49:00Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:49:00 > 0:49:02Oh, God...
0:49:02 > 0:49:04Go slowly. OK?
0:49:04 > 0:49:06Oh, thank you.
0:49:06 > 0:49:09Keep going, hang on...
0:49:09 > 0:49:12Are we going to spend the whole day tiptoeing under telephone wires?
0:49:12 > 0:49:15No, because you'll break down eventually.
0:49:22 > 0:49:25OK, there's going to be a motorcyclist coming past you.
0:49:25 > 0:49:26Check out his helmet.
0:49:27 > 0:49:30That's quite a strong statement.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34'After a quick map check,
0:49:34 > 0:49:37'I decided we should take a tempting-looking short cut.'
0:49:38 > 0:49:40Right, follow me.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43'Which went well.'
0:49:46 > 0:49:48Oh, dear God...
0:49:51 > 0:49:54Any other adventures lined up on your short cut, Jeremy?
0:49:54 > 0:49:56Landslides, or avalanche...?
0:50:02 > 0:50:06It's just a tropical mountain shower. Gone in a jiffy.
0:50:07 > 0:50:08THUNDER RUMBLES
0:50:08 > 0:50:10Or maybe not.
0:50:12 > 0:50:14No, this looks pretty terrible.
0:50:18 > 0:50:23'Eventually, my scenic route brought us to a remote settlement -
0:50:23 > 0:50:25'that was very much...off the grid.'
0:50:30 > 0:50:33Good thing is in this little town there'll be no low wires.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38'Instead, there was something worse.'
0:50:39 > 0:50:41Oh, no!
0:50:41 > 0:50:43Oh, no. Oh, this is bad.
0:50:45 > 0:50:47I'm stuck, I'm stuck.
0:50:48 > 0:50:52Hang on, I'll park up and come back on foot. Stand by.
0:50:53 > 0:50:56'Bored with Hammond's chimney-related problems,
0:50:56 > 0:50:58'I went on an explore.
0:50:58 > 0:51:02'And found some locals playing something that was nearly football.'
0:51:06 > 0:51:10This is a brilliant idea. They're using a monk as a referee.
0:51:11 > 0:51:13And he's smoking.
0:51:19 > 0:51:21WHISTLE BLOWS
0:51:23 > 0:51:24APPLAUSE
0:51:26 > 0:51:31'Back at the bridge, the villagers had broken out their tool box.'
0:51:31 > 0:51:33Really? If you're sure.
0:51:33 > 0:51:34OK.
0:51:34 > 0:51:36Move the entire sign.
0:51:36 > 0:51:39- I wouldn't be this helpful. - We know that.
0:51:41 > 0:51:45'Meanwhile, I'd stumbled on a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.'
0:51:53 > 0:51:55There's thousands of them!
0:52:08 > 0:52:10MAN SPEAKS IN LOCAL LANGUAGE
0:52:10 > 0:52:13- That's "Hurry up. It's heavy." - Oh, right. OK...
0:52:15 > 0:52:16How we doing? James, I can't see.
0:52:16 > 0:52:17Yeah...?
0:52:17 > 0:52:20- MAN:- OK!- Yes.- You through?
0:52:20 > 0:52:22Yay!
0:52:25 > 0:52:28'With the town behind us, progress was good.
0:52:29 > 0:52:32'And then...it wasn't.'
0:52:33 > 0:52:39My fuel gauge is... just on the top of the red.
0:52:39 > 0:52:41Um... I don't have one.
0:52:42 > 0:52:45What I do have is the same engine as you
0:52:45 > 0:52:48but a much heavier truck, so I must have used more.
0:52:49 > 0:52:51'And out here on my short cut,
0:52:51 > 0:52:54'there were no filling stations at all.'
0:52:56 > 0:52:58The needle is now
0:52:58 > 0:53:01nearly all in the red.
0:53:01 > 0:53:03Trying to use the tiniest throttle movements,
0:53:03 > 0:53:06just to keep it ticking along.
0:53:07 > 0:53:12'In the next village, James and I decided to pull over
0:53:12 > 0:53:13'and dip our tanks.'
0:53:15 > 0:53:17- I've got no fuel.- None?
0:53:17 > 0:53:20A smear on the end of the stick.
0:53:20 > 0:53:22What's the news?
0:53:22 > 0:53:24None. I mean, it's dry, I don't know what I'm running on.
0:53:24 > 0:53:26If you actually run a diesel out
0:53:26 > 0:53:30- you've got to bleed the system, haven't you? And it's hours. - BOTH: Yeah.
0:53:30 > 0:53:34Well, look, why don't you just go and snout around the village and see if you can find some?
0:53:34 > 0:53:36- Why me? - You're the youngest and fittest.
0:53:36 > 0:53:39- Well, it's your fault we're in this situation.- But I'm old and hot.
0:53:39 > 0:53:43It's your short cut. Seriously. If anybody's got to go, it's you, mate.
0:53:45 > 0:53:47Right, right, I'll go.
0:53:47 > 0:53:50- Fuel. Diesel. - And as much as you can.- Yes.
0:53:50 > 0:53:53What is Burmese for "diesel"?
0:53:53 > 0:53:55- How do you mime "diesel"? - Mime a lorry.
0:53:55 > 0:53:58Brrr... And then do that.
0:53:58 > 0:54:02Right, so I'm a butler with Parkinson's, and I've got a gun.
0:54:03 > 0:54:07'Jeremy headed off.
0:54:07 > 0:54:10'And was gone for quite some time.'
0:54:10 > 0:54:12Still quite hot, that.
0:54:17 > 0:54:21- Done the oil.- Have you?- Are you reading Bridge On The River Kwai?
0:54:21 > 0:54:25- Yeah, he's just gone into the hut... - Bad news.- What?- Bad news.- What?
0:54:25 > 0:54:28I haven't been able to get any diesel.
0:54:29 > 0:54:33'However - I had come up with a clever alternative.'
0:54:36 > 0:54:38No, you halfwit.
0:54:40 > 0:54:42There's no diesel in this village.
0:54:42 > 0:54:45But there is diesel in the next village.
0:54:45 > 0:54:49So we use the horses to ride to the next village,
0:54:49 > 0:54:51get the diesel, bring it back to the trucks.
0:54:51 > 0:54:55- We're not in a Western. - I can't ride a horse.- What?
0:54:55 > 0:54:59- Well, I might have been pony trekking when I was eight, but... - Well, it'll be in there, won't it?
0:54:59 > 0:55:03- Well, I wouldn't use that one there. - Holy moly!
0:55:05 > 0:55:09- Why do they have five legs in Burma? - Maybe so it can milk itself?
0:55:09 > 0:55:15Shall we spend all day looking at a horse's willy, or shall we go?!
0:55:15 > 0:55:16Oh, it's gone wrong...
0:55:16 > 0:55:18'Being the most experienced horseman,
0:55:18 > 0:55:22'I took the frisky five-legged stallion.'
0:55:22 > 0:55:23We're on.
0:55:24 > 0:55:27Oh, Christ almighty!
0:55:27 > 0:55:28Hello, horse.
0:55:28 > 0:55:30I shall call you Tesco.
0:55:33 > 0:55:36Ready, steady, go.
0:55:37 > 0:55:40Well, I've bought a stalled horse. It's going backwards.
0:55:40 > 0:55:42I've bought a reversing horse.
0:55:42 > 0:55:44I think if we get moving, yours might follow more readily.
0:55:44 > 0:55:48James, can you turn right and go up there? Turn around.
0:55:48 > 0:55:51- How do you make it turn around? - Anybody know how to start a Burmese horse?
0:55:51 > 0:55:53Go on, follow your mate. Yes. Very good.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55- The controls are reversed...- I'm off!
0:55:55 > 0:55:57Oh, yeah.
0:55:59 > 0:56:01Yeah!
0:56:01 > 0:56:03MUSIC: Theme from "A Fistful Of Dollars" by Ennio Morricone
0:56:03 > 0:56:08'Soon, James was getting a taste 'of what the ride was like in my sports lorry.'
0:56:08 > 0:56:10My nadgers are getting a pummelling.
0:56:10 > 0:56:15Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
0:56:15 > 0:56:17Look at the anal action going on here.
0:56:17 > 0:56:21My horse is going up your one's bottom.
0:56:21 > 0:56:25- Oh, Christ, we've had an accident. - You go ahead.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28I'm terrified!
0:56:28 > 0:56:30My nads are killing me!
0:56:30 > 0:56:34- HORSE GRUNTS - Oh, stop that, please don't fight!
0:56:34 > 0:56:37- Walk on.- I'll stop calling you Tesco if you promise not to fight.
0:56:37 > 0:56:39Go!
0:56:39 > 0:56:43Walk. There you go. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
0:56:43 > 0:56:46- Oh, God above! - Not much further now, James.
0:56:46 > 0:56:49Jesus! I mean - Buddha!
0:56:49 > 0:56:52'A few hundred yards further on,
0:56:52 > 0:56:56'Richard's stallion decided to get amorous with James's mare.'
0:56:56 > 0:56:59HORSE WHINNIES Ooh! BLEEP...
0:57:00 > 0:57:02HORSE WHINNIES
0:57:02 > 0:57:04Oh! BLEEP...
0:57:07 > 0:57:09Has he gone?
0:57:09 > 0:57:13- What happened?- It reared and mounted that. Don't get kicked.
0:57:13 > 0:57:16'Things quickly went to pot.'
0:57:16 > 0:57:19This is the doctor, going to attend to Richard
0:57:19 > 0:57:21but the van is stuck.
0:57:21 > 0:57:25I've just dismounted my reversing horse,
0:57:25 > 0:57:30and actually genuinely have hurt my testes.
0:57:30 > 0:57:34Oh! I can see why they should be glue, these things.
0:57:37 > 0:57:40'Richard was diagnosed with a suspected broken wrist
0:57:40 > 0:57:44'and went on a four-hour journey to the nearest hospital.
0:57:44 > 0:57:49'So I walked my horse to the next village to get fuel,
0:57:49 > 0:57:51'and then, we found a spot to camp for the night.'
0:58:00 > 0:58:02HE SIGHS
0:58:04 > 0:58:05'Here, while I enjoyed the view,
0:58:05 > 0:58:08'James unveiled his sleeping accommodation.
0:58:08 > 0:58:12'A mountaineering tent he could suspend from his crane.'
0:58:13 > 0:58:16So I'm going to rest it against the front of the cab.
0:58:16 > 0:58:19Cos all these bitey ants, they don't get in your tent and eat you.
0:58:21 > 0:58:23'It may have been insect-proof...
0:58:26 > 0:58:29'..but soundproof? No.'
0:58:29 > 0:58:31SNORING
0:58:36 > 0:58:39I want to go to bed.
0:58:39 > 0:58:43But I can't, with that racket going on. Listen to it.
0:58:43 > 0:58:44SNORING
0:58:58 > 0:59:02'The next morning I discovered that Hammond was back.'
0:59:03 > 0:59:05So that's just a sprain?
0:59:05 > 0:59:06Yep. Not bust. Nothing exciting.
0:59:06 > 0:59:09So what is it you have to do, basically steering...?
0:59:09 > 0:59:12- Yeah, be all right. - You just have to...
0:59:12 > 0:59:14- Yeah. Still do that.- Right.
0:59:14 > 0:59:16And how was sleeping in your lorry?
0:59:16 > 0:59:19- Um, not bad. What about yours? - Fine.
0:59:19 > 0:59:22Where did James sleep in the end, what's he done?
0:59:22 > 0:59:27Oh, he's got some stupid high-tech mountaineering tent on his crane.
0:59:27 > 0:59:29Why is it up there?
0:59:29 > 0:59:31JEREMY LAUGHS
0:59:31 > 0:59:34Well... You know his snoring?
0:59:34 > 0:59:35Yeah...
0:59:35 > 0:59:39Quite loud. So I moved him a bit further away.
0:59:40 > 0:59:42Jesus...
0:59:42 > 0:59:44Clarkson!
0:59:44 > 0:59:47- What?- Funny.
0:59:47 > 0:59:50- Very funny.- Yes. - I don't like heights,
0:59:50 > 0:59:53- I don't like camping... - I don't like snoring.
0:59:53 > 0:59:55Anyway, shall we get on?
0:59:57 > 0:59:59'After Pinky and Perky had winched me down,
0:59:59 > 1:00:03'we set off on our seventh day of long-distance lorry driving.'
1:00:12 > 1:00:16I'm still staggered that they put diesel in my truck.
1:00:18 > 1:00:22I mean, that's a generous gesture. Assuming it IS diesel.
1:00:29 > 1:00:30Oh, no.
1:00:30 > 1:00:35- Hammond... What's happened? - I've lost my other stack.
1:00:36 > 1:00:41Well, as you know, we're not the US Marines, we leave a man behind.
1:00:46 > 1:00:48Yeah, too hot.
1:00:48 > 1:00:50Er, right...
1:00:53 > 1:00:56It's covered in ants... Oh, it's an ants' nest!
1:00:56 > 1:00:58That's a mistake. Ow!
1:00:58 > 1:01:00Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
1:01:02 > 1:01:04'This, then, looked like it was going to be
1:01:04 > 1:01:07'another day of calamities and mishaps.
1:01:07 > 1:01:10'But actually, here, in this part of Burma,
1:01:10 > 1:01:13'we had to get properly serious.'
1:01:14 > 1:01:19Today is a big day for us, because we are headed for the Shan.
1:01:20 > 1:01:23Top Gear's been to a lot of remote places over the years
1:01:23 > 1:01:26but we've never been anywhere quite like this.
1:01:26 > 1:01:30The Shan is to Burma what Scotland is to Britain,
1:01:30 > 1:01:33it's a part of it, and yet it's separate.
1:01:33 > 1:01:36We know there's been a civil war in there,
1:01:36 > 1:01:39we understand there's a cease-fire at the moment...
1:01:39 > 1:01:43Only a handful of Westerners have ever been there,
1:01:43 > 1:01:47and certainly, no TV show has ever been allowed in.
1:01:47 > 1:01:51We are the first...ever.
1:01:59 > 1:02:03All of the people who've been fighting are coming together tonight
1:02:03 > 1:02:05to welcome us here to the Shan State.
1:02:06 > 1:02:08CHEERING
1:02:08 > 1:02:10Who's got any whisky? Got any Scotch?
1:02:12 > 1:02:16- BLEEP- second gear failed and now the engine has- BLEEP.
1:02:18 > 1:02:21Hammond, you idiot! You've reversed into the sports lorry!
1:02:24 > 1:02:28- "Work on the bridge starts at 0500"? - What?
1:02:28 > 1:02:30- Get in!- Get in.