0:00:04 > 0:00:09'Our adventure began in the old Burmese capital Rangoon,
0:00:09 > 0:00:12'where, having bought three ancient lorries...'
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Hammond, this seat is a church pew.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18'..we were told we had to build a bridge over the River Kwai that was
0:00:18 > 0:00:20'strong enough to support them.'
0:00:20 > 0:00:23How big a bridge are we going to have to build to support my truck?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- How much does yours weigh? - About 1,000 tonnes.
0:00:25 > 0:00:30'Getting to the river in Thailand meant a 1,200 mile journey
0:00:30 > 0:00:33'across Burma on roads that were dangerous...'
0:00:33 > 0:00:36- HORNS TOOT - Whoa.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38'..mountainous...'
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Ahhhhh!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42'..and often not roads at all.'
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Watch the wheel spin. Sliding badly.
0:00:45 > 0:00:50'Since the producers insisted we stay in Burmese truck stops...'
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Oh, it's not so bad.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57'..we turned our lorries into houses.'
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Not all of my improvements have turned out to be improvements.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07'Way out in the middle of nowhere, we ran out of fuel,
0:01:07 > 0:01:09'and whilst looking for diesel...'
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15'..Hammond was thrown by a stallion and injured his arm.'
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Ah, BLEEP.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22'Worse still, James's snoring forced us to take drastic action.'
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Clarkson!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26'And everywhere we went,
0:01:26 > 0:01:30'Hammond's vertical exhausts were causing chaos.'
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I've lost my other stack.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37As you know, we're not the US Marines, we leave a man behind.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Sorry.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13It's OK. Nothing to see.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Ow.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24'Far ahead of Hammond's disintegrating lorry,
0:02:24 > 0:02:28'James and I were about to enter a secretive region of Burma known as
0:02:28 > 0:02:29'the Shan state.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33'A civil war has raged here for 60 years.
0:02:33 > 0:02:39'No television crew has ever been allowed in. We would be the first.'
0:02:41 > 0:02:44There is a very good reason why it's so secretive in there.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47You see, the travel companies would have you believe that
0:02:47 > 0:02:51the Golden Triangle is, well, it's a tourist attraction,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54at the point where Thailand, Burma and Laos all meet.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00But the golden triangle with the - how can I put this -
0:03:00 > 0:03:05the special agriculture - that is in the Shan.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Apparently, some of the special agriculture is known as horse,
0:03:11 > 0:03:16they're obviously growing horses somehow. I shall look for those.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Fields of horses growing in them.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Here we go. Warm and cordial welcome, this is it. This is it.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29We are entering the Shan.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35We genuinely are representing the Western world.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Good job I'm wearing a tie.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43'Unfortunately, as the roads started to climb,
0:03:43 > 0:03:47'James and I rather forgot the significance of where we were.'
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Go! Come on, lorry.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55HE CACKLES
0:03:58 > 0:04:02'Welcome, then, to the inaugural Shan state lorry hill climb.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05'A sport where a single botched gear change
0:04:05 > 0:04:07'can make all the difference.'
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Attempt to squeeze in.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11It's coming.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19No, no, no! I'm trapped by the pick-up.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Eat my dirt.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Got the inside line.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40This is the best race in the world.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I've blocked him, I blocked him.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Shall we call a temporary truce while we go through the town, yeah?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53When we get back, if we're interviewed by MI6
0:04:53 > 0:04:56and they say, "What was it like in the Shan?"
0:04:56 > 0:04:59We'll have to go, "I don't know, we were racing lorries."
0:04:59 > 0:05:03I am embarrassed to be the first Westerner in here
0:05:03 > 0:05:06and I'm driving a sports lorry with a pink teddy bear on the front.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13'To make us look more dignified, I put Rudyard in the cab,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16'and then we set off into the unknown.'
0:05:21 > 0:05:22God above.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I think I've accidentally taken a short cut
0:05:26 > 0:05:29into the set of Game Of Thrones.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39'Here, in a region that is bigger than England and Wales put together,
0:05:39 > 0:05:44'there is just one road, built 150 years ago, by the British.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49'But there is no electricity, no mobile phone signal, no TV,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51'no hotels, no hospitals.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53'And in the skies, no planes.'
0:06:00 > 0:06:02That is gigantic.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09'Bowled over by it all, James and I pulled over,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11'and after Hammond caught up...'
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Oh, yes, the 1920s is arriving.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19'..we tried to work out why us three had been the first ones
0:06:19 > 0:06:21'allowed in here.'
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Think about it.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27If you were North Korea, and you wanted to portray to your people
0:06:27 > 0:06:32how lumpen and useless the West was, you'd invite us three, wouldn't you?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Yeah.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Because we'd wander about and the North Koreans would go,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39"Why would we want to be Western? Look at them. They're dreadful."
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- You've got bird poo on your shoulder.- I have.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43So what the government is essentially saying to these
0:06:43 > 0:06:46people is, why would you want to live like they do in the West?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Look at them.- There's another thing that we're doing.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51This is just an incidental service.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54They haven't seen many Westerners here.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57We are at least showing... They're not going to end up saying,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"They all look the same to me," are they? With us three.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02That's just blatantly racist.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05What he's saying is all Burmese people look the same to him.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- No...- Clearly. Yes, you are. - You are.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10You're assuming that they think we all look the same
0:07:10 > 0:07:12because we think they all look the same.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Now you're making a leap, I didn't...
0:07:14 > 0:07:17You're completing something that I didn't put in.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Yes, we are, but it's quite good fun.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24'Keen to see more of the Shan, we moved on.'
0:07:37 > 0:07:44- Chaps, check out the driver of this tuk-tuk.- What's he done?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I don't know what it was, but he's done a lot of it.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- He's off his face.- Oh, dear.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Oh, Lord, I see what you mean.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01James, do you see any fields where they are growing horses?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05No, I haven't seen a single horse plantation yet.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11'What we did see, however, was evidence of what is officially
0:08:11 > 0:08:14'the world's longest running civil war.'
0:08:19 > 0:08:21This is a big army presence, here.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31'James, however, seemed to have less important things on his mind.'
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Time to try out my water brake cooling system.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I'm ready. A little switch.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I think it works.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49'The elation, however, was short lived.'
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Cock.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02My steering has just locked up.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08I'm not sure that's a good idea, James, is it? Blocking the Army?
0:09:08 > 0:09:14'The problem was a big one. The front axle had broken.'
0:09:17 > 0:09:21There's only one thing I can think to play at a time like this.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25MUSIC: "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word" by Elton John
0:09:27 > 0:09:32- Well, off you go. Goodbye. - That's a bad one, isn't it?- See you.
0:09:37 > 0:09:44# It's sad, so sad It's a sad sad situation... #
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- Ow!- BLEEP.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56'As Hammond and I travelled deeper into the Shan,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58'the road became worse.'
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Argh!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10'And the reason why soon became clear.'
0:10:14 > 0:10:16That was an actual baby there, building the road.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26It's not a good policy, because the road surface is dreadful.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Babies are no good at building roads, look.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37'Along with the Fisher-Price roads, there were steep hills.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40'Which were a problem for Hammond's heavy lumber bus.'
0:10:44 > 0:10:46God, it's torture.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
0:10:55 > 0:11:01Change gear... No. Grind, grind, grind.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05And when we get to the end,
0:11:05 > 0:11:09we have to build a bridge over the River Kwai.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16'Eventually, we had to rest our weary bones,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19'so we pulled over in a remote settlement.'
0:11:21 > 0:11:23You know, in a village like this,
0:11:23 > 0:11:28it really is possible they don't know the West exists.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- They will never have seen faces like ours.- No.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I'm amazed they're not more amazed.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- I think it's a cultural thing, it would be rude to show it.- Yeah.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40It's sort of...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Definitely the first white faces they've ever seen.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48'Many miles further back,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52'I had sorted my axle issue by using a ratchet strap
0:11:52 > 0:11:54'to hold it in place.'
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I hate my lorry.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03What I'm driving here is a massive dog's egg with a crane on the back.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Oh, God, let this day end.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14'As the afternoon sun drew low, I was reunited with my colleagues,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17'and we decided to make camp in a small town.'
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Look at that lot. Communal, open-air natural bathing.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Hello.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38We're in the middle of the Shan.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40We're supposed to be frightened to death.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43It's not frightening though, is it? It's lovely.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48'As we set up camp, the locals seemed to be busy as well.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52'And Jeremy had found out why.'
0:12:55 > 0:13:03- Hammond, May.- Yes? What?- It turns out we've been invited to a party.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Right.- Where?- Here, in the town.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10You know there's been a civil war raging?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13All of the people who've been fighting are coming together tonight
0:13:13 > 0:13:16to welcome us here to the Shan state.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19You know the Good Friday Agreement where they got Major,
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Gerry Adams and Paisley all in one room and it was amazing?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Well, apparently this is as amazing as that in Burma.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- Who do they think we are? - I don't know.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Probably Richard Dimbleby, James McNulty and Jeremy Paxman.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- They're not familiar with Top Gear, are they?- Evidently not.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40The only thing I'm speculating on is I don't think
0:13:40 > 0:13:45- we should turn up looking like this. - No. I have no formal wear with me.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Naked would be better than that.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53'As Hammond wouldn't let us use his shower,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55'James and I had to go native.'
0:14:00 > 0:14:03This is a brilliant system they've got here.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Women go there, and men go here.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17'As we finished our ablutions...
0:14:20 > 0:14:23'..the various factions started to arrive.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29'And Jeremy invited us over for pre-dinner cocktails.'
0:14:29 > 0:14:34Listen, help yourselves to a drink, because I've had a thought.
0:14:34 > 0:14:40It's possible MI6 or the DEA or some intelligence agency will want
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- to talk to us when we get back about here.- Right.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49So, manners - polite, British, representatives of the BBC,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51but pay attention.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53But don't make it obvious that you're finding things out,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55just be...
0:14:55 > 0:14:57'With a final word of warning to Hammond...'
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Don't get drunk.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- I'll just have one before I go. - '..we headed off to the party.'
0:15:05 > 0:15:08From Britain, BBC television.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11'Where we were offered some local delicacies...'
0:15:11 > 0:15:13It's a caterpillar?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- That's right, that's right, caterpillar.- Caterpillar.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Goodbye, caterpillar.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20'As caterpillars weren't to Hammond's taste,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23'he went off to find something that was.'
0:15:24 > 0:15:27SHOUTING
0:15:27 > 0:15:34- Hello, hello.- Hello, yes. I can do that. Yes, I could do that.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36This is all right. I'm coming in, I like this.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38'As the food kept coming...'
0:15:38 > 0:15:41This is a cicada, a cricket.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44'..I was discovering that the region's special agriculture
0:15:44 > 0:15:46'didn't seem to be that special.'
0:15:46 > 0:15:52- So it's sunflower seeds, soya bean, nothing else.- Nothing, nothing.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58'Still, I was learning more than James...
0:16:00 > 0:16:03'..or Hammond.'
0:16:03 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Who's got any Whiskey? Have you got any Scotch?
0:16:14 > 0:16:18'By midnight, I'd been through every single crop in the area.'
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- Sesame seeds.- Sesame seeds, yeah, yeah.- Maize.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25'So, I took a leaf out of Hammond's book...'
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Cheers, cheers, cheers.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32'..and, along with May and half the film crew, joined the party.'
0:16:32 > 0:16:34FESTIVE DRUMMING
0:16:38 > 0:16:42ALL: # I'm dressing sharp and I'm acting cool,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45# Got a cheerleader here...#
0:16:47 > 0:16:49CHEERING AND DRUMMING
0:17:06 > 0:17:08CRICKETS CHIRP, COCK CROWS
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Well, one thing is for sure.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19- There are absolutely no drugs in this part of Burma.- No, none.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I talked to everybody and...
0:17:21 > 0:17:25I talked to people involved in the sales and distribution
0:17:25 > 0:17:30of stationery, I talked to farmers, Army people, Colonel Kurtz.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I spoke to Colonel Kurtz, he was in vegetables.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36So if MI6 talk to us when we get back,
0:17:36 > 0:17:40we can say, "You're looking in the wrong place."
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Have you seen... Our colleague is not well.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50We've got a lot of time to kill this morning before that is capable
0:17:50 > 0:17:51of driving a lorry.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02'Many, many hours later, we were back on the road.'
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I think I punched a colonel.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Or kissed him.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17- Hammond?- Yeah?- What was your whiskey called again?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Hankie Banister.
0:18:20 > 0:18:25"Hankie Banister. Third-best Whiskey in northern Burma."
0:18:28 > 0:18:32'Soon, though, the memories of our summit at the end of Apocalypse Now
0:18:32 > 0:18:37'were eclipsed by the sheer beauty of this untouched paradise.'
0:18:45 > 0:18:50I've never taken more landscape photographs in my entire life.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51It's just...
0:18:53 > 0:18:57You've got to come here. You have got to come and see this.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07'James would have enjoyed the view, too,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10'but predictably he'd had yet another breakdown.'
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Cock. The problem is - well, I don't know what the problem is,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22but I started losing power up the hill.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Then it wouldn't even drive in third and it felt like it started running
0:19:25 > 0:19:28on two, then it was definitely only running on one cylinder, because it
0:19:28 > 0:19:32sounded like the sort of generator people put on in the night.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Ah, BLEEP.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Non-BBC Two word.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43'Once I'd fixed the problem, which was wonky fuel injectors,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45'I was on the move again.'
0:19:47 > 0:19:49God, this lorry is appalling.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53'And it didn't take long to catch the others,
0:19:53 > 0:19:58'because the road was steep, and Hammond was in front.'
0:20:01 > 0:20:04First gear. Bad.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Literally the slowest I've ever been.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Hammond, I haven't got any more gears left.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I can't get out the way, the road's too narrow,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I can't go any faster, I'm in a lorry.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27It's pretty much vertical.
0:20:29 > 0:20:35God, look at the smoke now. I've got a mining lung disease.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I'm starting to imagine what Hammond might look like without any skin on.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Now what?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I think if we all back up, he can come in here.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Hammond, we can't - there's nothing to be gained by...
0:20:56 > 0:20:58CRASH
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Hammond, you idiot, you've reversed into the sports lorry!
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- You've broken it.- I didn't know. Genuinely, that was an accident.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Don't just drive off, Hammond. Hammond! Hammond!
0:21:14 > 0:21:21He's broken my headlights, radiator. My bull bar is broken. The mirror.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24What, you just reverse and hope?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Where did you think I was?! All day, I have been behind you.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I didn't think you were that close behind me.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I now know why they have those stickers for lorry drivers -
0:21:33 > 0:21:36"If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you."
0:21:38 > 0:21:42'Even though the incident had been technically my fault,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44'I still followed the standard procedure.'
0:21:45 > 0:21:49What? He knows the rules. Live by the sword, you must...
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I can't remember. Whatever. Something to do with swords.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Held me up all day, then he reversed into me,
0:22:02 > 0:22:07so I think tonight Hammond's other wrist might break.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13However, when I reached the overnight holds,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I came up with a more fiendish idea.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19An idea that involved the bucket Hammond had fitted to collect
0:22:19 > 0:22:21rainwater for his shower.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24TRICKLING
0:22:24 > 0:22:31- I think this does pay him back for holding us up all day long.- Yep.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- Oh, there's more.- Part two.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42'I then began to work on my lorry's waterworks.'
0:22:42 > 0:22:47- Massive nuts holding the radiator on. 22 millimetres.- Yeah.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48SHOWER SPLATTERS
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Oh, it's warm. So warm, fresh rainwater.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01- (Golden rain.)- I can taste the goodness. The outdoors.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06And neither of you two thought of this.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16'After dining on roast grasshopper,
0:23:16 > 0:23:20'we spent the evening playing with my Chinese lanterns.'
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Are you going to set them off here? - Why not?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28I should say in a country where a lot of people live in houses made of...
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- What is it, dried grass?- Oh, relax. - That's not going to be a problem.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36The chances of you getting one of those things to work...
0:23:36 > 0:23:38There, let it fly.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Yes. Hammond, ye of little faith.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Go find a barn or a thatched roof.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Now, let's just... I'm going to get a beer and savour the moment.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- This is a... It's a mobile bonfire. - It is.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53If it were to land in a field of poppies, for example,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56imagine how beautiful that would be.
0:23:57 > 0:24:03'Feeling content and happy, we went to bed. Well, one of us did.'
0:24:06 > 0:24:09What do you think the chances are of waking him?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11You won't wake him, he sleeps the sleep of the dead.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16That's in neutral.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18ENGINE REVS
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Jesus Christ!
0:24:38 > 0:24:42'The next morning, despite the tranquillity of our surroundings,
0:24:42 > 0:24:46'Jeremy hit the road in a fractious mood.'
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Why did you tip me out of my lorry?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Because you swung me around in my tent.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58You deserved that because you're irritating. I'm never irritating.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01It's a good point Jeremy raises, I feel quite bad about it now,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04because when has he ever been irritating?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08'To make my mood even worse,
0:25:08 > 0:25:13'the endless hard going had had a catastrophic effect on my brakes.'
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I think they're only working now on the left-hand side.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Nothing, everything.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23You move your foot that much, that's the difference.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30Fortunately, we were now only 80 miles from the border with Thailand.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34But, unfortunately, none of those miles would be gentle.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46Oh, it's bad in here and it will be worse in Jeremy's lorry.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48HE CACKLES
0:25:55 > 0:25:58'It was desperately uncomfortable, and hot,
0:25:58 > 0:26:02'and ahead of us lay the biggest mountain range yet.'
0:26:18 > 0:26:22This climb is exactly what you need in a lorry with a leaky radiator.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35Oh, that is a trouser-threatening drop.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40James May is a man who does not like heights.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44He is also a man whose lorry has its front axle held on with
0:26:44 > 0:26:46a bit of string.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- How's your vertigo, May? - I'm not looking.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54But thanks for reminding me.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00'Progress was extremely slow
0:27:00 > 0:27:02'as I had to keep stopping to refill my radiator.'
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Pouring out from exactly where the araldite was.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Fairly convinced this is an old wives' tale, but we shall see.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18'Meanwhile, James was having his first breakdown of the day.'
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Oh, BLEEP.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Nope.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32'This time, it was the transfer box,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35'which had burst free from its mountings.'
0:27:35 > 0:27:39That's the transfer box, that's the bracket where it's bolted on,
0:27:39 > 0:27:42those two bolts have been shaken out.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Oh, cock.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Still going on, still more mountains.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57When will this end?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Oh, my God, it gets steep.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04I've got to keep moving,
0:28:04 > 0:28:08if I stop, pulling away will kill the clutch, I'm sure of that.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14OK, my temperature gauge is now really very high.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18I'm looking for a little stream.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22'Still, at least the mood was more cheerful than it
0:28:22 > 0:28:24'was at the back of the convoy.'
0:28:33 > 0:28:35BLEEP.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39BLEEPING second gear failed, and now the engine has BLEEP BLEEP arse.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43You piece of BLEEP.
0:28:45 > 0:28:50'With some careful nursing, Jeremy and I eventually reached
0:28:50 > 0:28:55'the summit, where there was one hell of a reward.'
0:29:00 > 0:29:01That is insane.
0:29:16 > 0:29:21- Never seen views like it.- Not as extensive.- Not all at the same time.
0:29:21 > 0:29:26- What have we got here? Himalayas.- Yeah.- Austria.
0:29:26 > 0:29:32- Bit of Scotland going on there.- Quite a bit of Scotland. And the sky.
0:29:32 > 0:29:37- Enormous.- Like a sky from Texas. - Texas sky.- But bigger.- Much bigger.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Absolutely staggering.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49'Sadly, though, the piece of the moment was then shattered.'
0:29:49 > 0:29:51RUMBLING AND TRUCK HORN
0:29:52 > 0:29:54The A-MAY van has arrived.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00He's in a rile.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Mate, you've got the crane here.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08BLEEP! Heap of dog BLEEP!
0:30:10 > 0:30:14- Don't say anything. - (I don't think he's very happy.)
0:30:14 > 0:30:16You know the old Buddhist expression, don't you?
0:30:16 > 0:30:20He who tips a man out of his lorry will suffer from many breakdowns.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27From here to the border with Thailand it was downhill
0:30:27 > 0:30:28all the way.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Which for me, at least, was a bit alarming.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Oh, God. Look at that road now.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37No brakes, no brakes.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43If your brakes went entirely would you stay with it
0:30:43 > 0:30:47and hope you could sort it out or would you bail out?
0:30:47 > 0:30:50I'm actually sitting here planning that very thing.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54I've planned my bailout already.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58I've even practised lunging for the door handle.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01I've got an image of James punching his lorry all
0:31:01 > 0:31:03the way down the slopes as they fell.
0:31:12 > 0:31:18Amazingly, we all made it to the bottom of the mountain in one piece.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Nearly.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25And now we were only 40 miles from the Thai border.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32Oh, this is it. We are about to leave Burma.
0:31:35 > 0:31:36I'm gonna miss it.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44There's so many amazing moments.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Soon we cross the border into Thailand and this meant
0:32:17 > 0:32:23we were now just 90 miles from our finishing line at the River Kwai.
0:32:23 > 0:32:2719 miles of easy-going on smooth roads.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40Oh, it's hammered your tyre! Your tyre is...
0:32:40 > 0:32:43It's detonating, mate.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47It's hard to explain to you...
0:32:47 > 0:32:51HE LAUGHS
0:32:51 > 0:32:56I'm not giving up. I'm not stopping. How many wheels do I need?
0:33:00 > 0:33:05Happily, the rest of my tyres stayed inflated and as darkness fell...
0:33:06 > 0:33:09..we finally reached our destination.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17I believe we are at the River Kwai.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19The crane is here, everybody.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24It's bolted onto a BLEEP lorry but never mind that.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27My brain is frazzled.
0:33:28 > 0:33:32I don't want to sweat in here any more, I don't want to listen
0:33:32 > 0:33:36to the lorry struggling and screaming and straining to climb another hill.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Ah, ah, ah!
0:33:40 > 0:33:43I am going to sleep for 1,000 years.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Has my spine come out of the top of my head?
0:33:51 > 0:33:54I can't see because my eyes have been shaken loose.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56I think my pelvis has moved around in my body.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00- I'm not surprised in your lorry. - It doesn't work.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Your pedals are all different.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Releasing the clutch is that.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08It's like a Masonic dance thing that I have to do every time.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11You know those power plates in gyms that make you stupid?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15There's also a psychological thing,
0:34:15 > 0:34:18every time I hear a diesel engine start I have a nervous twitch.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Manual gearboxes. What?
0:34:21 > 0:34:24You have ruined me and my life.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26The gearbox is too far...
0:34:28 > 0:34:32"The Prisoners Of War walked to their bridge site,
0:34:32 > 0:34:36"you have driven here so shut up."
0:34:38 > 0:34:42- "Work on the bridge starts at 0500." - What?!
0:34:43 > 0:34:47"0500 and you can't go home
0:34:47 > 0:34:51"until all three lorries have driven over it."
0:34:51 > 0:34:55- 0500.- What's the point? We're not still in the war.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58- What's the point of 0500? - It will only be a little river.
0:35:03 > 0:35:07The next morning at precisely 0500.. and 11,
0:35:07 > 0:35:10we discovered just how wrong we were.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28It is much wider than I thought it was going to be.
0:35:28 > 0:35:34- I thought it would be a comedic gully.- I did.- It's 100 times wider.
0:35:36 > 0:35:42We were going to need a 60m bridge so James went off to make plans
0:35:42 > 0:35:47and Hammond and I decided to measure the depth of the water.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50Well, when I say Hammond and I...
0:35:52 > 0:35:54I'm approaching plumb depth.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58Ah! Broach the plumb... Oh! Ah!
0:36:00 > 0:36:02It's ever so cold.
0:36:02 > 0:36:03I hate my job!
0:36:03 > 0:36:06In Bridge On The River Kwai did Alec Guinness go,
0:36:06 > 0:36:08"Oh, it's ever so cold!"
0:36:08 > 0:36:11I bet he did in reality. Oh! I bet he did in reality.
0:36:13 > 0:36:18- Oh!- Sadly, at this point my colleague was carried away by the current.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Swim, man!
0:36:20 > 0:36:21I am!
0:36:21 > 0:36:24You're the weakest swimmer in the world.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28And since he was providing no useful feedback,
0:36:28 > 0:36:31I went to check on James's plans.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33This is what I was thinking.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36The bank goes down at each side obviously,
0:36:36 > 0:36:39we build up the approach area with these baskets of stones,
0:36:39 > 0:36:43make vertical piles out of bamboo like this, these longerons
0:36:43 > 0:36:46I'm calling them, they are bamboo lashed together,
0:36:46 > 0:36:48these will go this way...
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Two tracks for the wheels, the rest is immaterial
0:36:51 > 0:36:54and then a superstructure like this
0:36:54 > 0:36:56all adding strength.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00You know the sort of thing so that it looks a bit like the film.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Basically we need to start with rocks
0:37:03 > 0:37:05and some wire mesh to make boxes to put them in.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07Where are we getting rocks from?
0:37:07 > 0:37:10That's your job because you have the tipper lorry.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14I set about making the wire mesh baskets,
0:37:14 > 0:37:18freed up the space in Jeremy's cargo bay...
0:37:20 > 0:37:22May, you imbecile!
0:37:22 > 0:37:24And when Hammond finally returned,
0:37:24 > 0:37:28I sent them both off to a nearby quarry to get the rocks.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34You've put them in the front of this one.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36Yeah, stick them in the front.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39Let's have these ones here.
0:37:40 > 0:37:44Jeremy... Are you going to do anything?
0:37:44 > 0:37:49- What can I do?- Load the trucks. - He's loading them!
0:37:51 > 0:37:55With the trucks loaded, Jeremy finally got off his backside
0:37:55 > 0:37:58and immediately started to shout at me.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Hammond! You idiot.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03What?
0:38:03 > 0:38:07You put about 400 tonnes of rocks and it is stuck.
0:38:08 > 0:38:13I woke you to say are you going to help with the loading?
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Your words were, "There's nothing to do!"
0:38:16 > 0:38:19That's exactly the kind of issue you should have been awake for.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22How do I know what your load is? I don't know.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25The only solution was to tip some of the rocks out.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31Oh, no, no, no!
0:38:31 > 0:38:35Oh, my. That's a remarkable accident. Look...
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Oh, jeez, no.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41Your windscreen has come out.
0:38:41 > 0:38:45This is a BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! disaster now.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49The breeze will be nice(!)
0:38:51 > 0:38:56Predictably, when we got back, James was overflowing with sympathy.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59JAMES LAUGHS
0:39:04 > 0:39:08- Did you head-butt it?- But look...
0:39:08 > 0:39:10JAMES LAUGHS
0:39:13 > 0:39:16Richard and James began to load their basket by hand.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Oh, that's a big rock.
0:39:19 > 0:39:23But I'm allergic to manual labour so I used horsepower instead.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30And then I went into town to buy supper.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35Is this a marrow?
0:39:36 > 0:39:39SHE PRONOUNCES THE WORD
0:39:39 > 0:39:42- A...?- Name... SHE PRONOUNCES THE WORD
0:39:42 > 0:39:46This is... Crikey, is it? I thought it was a marrow.
0:39:48 > 0:39:52That's something you learn. In Thailand, the word for... Yes, that.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54That's the word for marrow.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00When I returned, I brought with me a gang of local labourers.
0:40:01 > 0:40:02What are you doing?
0:40:02 > 0:40:06There's no way we're going to be able to build this bridge by ourselves, let's be reasonable.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08He's right, Hammond.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12You and I are not going to be able to build this bridge by ourselves.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15- I know. - Hello, officers won't work.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Alec Guinness made that very plain in Bridge On The River Kwai
0:40:18 > 0:40:20in the film.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23That was the whole premise of the story is that officers won't work.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26- You're an officer? - Of course I'm an officer.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29- Who says?- I'm the Alec Guinness figure here. It's obvious.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33- Because you've got a stick. - That stick may disappear quite soon.
0:40:36 > 0:40:41With the local chaps helping, James and I started to make good progress.
0:41:01 > 0:41:02As we toiled away,
0:41:02 > 0:41:08the self-appointed officer seemed to be setting up a children's tea party.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13What are you doing now?
0:41:13 > 0:41:18Well, it's a trick I learnt from the British in Burma in the 19th century,
0:41:18 > 0:41:24they would employ some local young chap, cover him in jam,
0:41:24 > 0:41:27he would follow them around all day and he'd attract the insects.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29They called him a jam boy.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32- This is my jam bear. - It doesn't seem very fair.
0:41:32 > 0:41:37It was, it was because at the end of the day he got to keep the jam.
0:41:42 > 0:41:48At the end of our long difficult day, I produced my delicious supper.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51It smells very good, Clarkson, what is it?
0:41:51 > 0:41:52Mm, I'll whisper it to you
0:41:52 > 0:41:55because I can't say it in front of the viewers.
0:41:55 > 0:41:59- What?- She just looked at me and went...
0:41:59 > 0:42:03What did you say? Steady on!
0:42:03 > 0:42:06I'd even prepared a treat for Hammond.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09- For afters I've got you something very special indeed.- What?
0:42:10 > 0:42:15- I know you're partial to a bit of Black Cock.- Oh, yes.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18And so I've managed to find...
0:42:18 > 0:42:20Oh, you hero.
0:42:20 > 0:42:24- Oh, well done.- Black Cock. Stiff one?- Yes, please.
0:42:24 > 0:42:28- Get that down your neck. - Cheers.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30Bottoms up.
0:42:30 > 0:42:34I'll tell you what, I'm going to sleep tonight. Absolutely.
0:42:34 > 0:42:35I am worn out.
0:42:39 > 0:42:43The next morning, the dawn light reveals just how little
0:42:43 > 0:42:44we had achieved.
0:42:46 > 0:42:51So, before the morning mist had cleared, everyone was hard at work.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54Well, when I say everyone...
0:42:55 > 0:42:59PHONE ALARM SOUNDS
0:43:16 > 0:43:22- Morning, May.- Good morning. Are you actually going to do any work today?
0:43:23 > 0:43:28I have explained this to you until I'm blue in the face.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31Officers won't work.
0:43:39 > 0:43:40Guys!
0:43:42 > 0:43:44May?
0:43:44 > 0:43:46Can you hear something?
0:43:47 > 0:43:49JEREMY: I need a poo!
0:43:49 > 0:43:54Guys, I've had a thought. It turns out officers will work.
0:43:56 > 0:44:01- After they released me... Right, work.- Remains available.
0:44:01 > 0:44:06I immediately decided we needed more labour-saving machinery so I rented
0:44:06 > 0:44:11a digger for Hammond and I went for something that would humiliate May.
0:44:21 > 0:44:25James has totally wasted his time bringing that crane here.
0:44:29 > 0:44:31Go on, son!
0:44:32 > 0:44:34Oh, no!
0:44:42 > 0:44:44BLEEP! BLEEP!
0:44:46 > 0:44:50- What was that?- It fell over, James. - What have you done?
0:44:50 > 0:44:53Hold on a minute! Did you see where the end of your jib landed?
0:44:53 > 0:44:56I had only walked back to see where the pile was.
0:44:56 > 0:45:00- If I'd still been standing there, it would have taken my head off! - It fell over!- It almost killed me!
0:45:00 > 0:45:03What do you mean, "It fell over"? They don't fall over, crane lorries!
0:45:03 > 0:45:05They don't fall over on the motorway!
0:45:05 > 0:45:07What do you mean, it doesn't fall over?
0:45:07 > 0:45:10- You knocked it over! - Your crane is too small,
0:45:10 > 0:45:12so, I've got a bigger one to reach further into the river.
0:45:12 > 0:45:16Right. My crane is too small. That's punishable by death, is it?
0:45:17 > 0:45:22After James had calmed down a bit, we decided to solve the problem
0:45:22 > 0:45:27by using the combined power of Richard's digger and the A-May Van.
0:45:27 > 0:45:31In three, two, one...
0:45:31 > 0:45:33Lift away!
0:45:39 > 0:45:42RUMBLING AND CRACKING
0:45:47 > 0:45:49Oh!
0:45:49 > 0:45:50Yeah!
0:45:50 > 0:45:55But, with stronger cables, we soon had my crane the right way up.
0:45:57 > 0:45:59Excellent. And back to work.
0:46:12 > 0:46:14Just use this as an enormous hammer so...
0:46:22 > 0:46:24Just delicacy, this.
0:46:25 > 0:46:27Oi!
0:46:27 > 0:46:30That little insect that he's dragged all the way here
0:46:30 > 0:46:32is simply getting in our way.
0:46:34 > 0:46:36Oh, well done, Hammond.
0:46:37 > 0:46:38Hang on.
0:46:39 > 0:46:43- That's the ticket! Hammond! - Come on, James, out you come.
0:46:46 > 0:46:47Spiky things!
0:46:47 > 0:46:51Even though we were now working as a team, and the bridge
0:46:51 > 0:46:56was starting to take shape, we were still way behind James' schedule.
0:46:58 > 0:47:02This side, the blue pegs, represents how far we should have got by now.
0:47:02 > 0:47:05The red pegs show how far we actually have got.
0:47:05 > 0:47:06Obviously not far enough.
0:47:06 > 0:47:08It's worse than I thought.
0:47:09 > 0:47:13So, the three of us worked on into the night.
0:47:13 > 0:47:15This long? This is long.
0:47:15 > 0:47:17That's to go to Hammond.
0:47:17 > 0:47:20Whoa, stop there. A bit further. I've got it, I've got it.
0:47:20 > 0:47:24And even though we went to bed exhausted...
0:47:24 > 0:47:25HE YAWNS
0:47:25 > 0:47:29..Sleep for Jeremy and I was impossible.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31LOUD SNORING
0:47:43 > 0:47:45Clarkson!
0:47:46 > 0:47:47Funny!
0:47:49 > 0:47:50You funny man!
0:47:51 > 0:47:55We were even funnier getting him back in.
0:47:55 > 0:47:58- I think it's the red one. Is it the red one?- I don't know.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01Right, so, hang on, I've got one with, like, a circle.
0:48:01 > 0:48:02This one looks like an alien.
0:48:02 > 0:48:04That bottom one swivels. Jeez...
0:48:06 > 0:48:08No, the bottom one!
0:48:08 > 0:48:09Waargh!
0:48:09 > 0:48:12LAUGHTER
0:48:12 > 0:48:14James, you're falling out your tent!
0:48:15 > 0:48:17He's fallen in!
0:48:17 > 0:48:18Help!
0:48:18 > 0:48:21- That's an alarm clock, isn't it?! - Oh, sorry, James!
0:48:22 > 0:48:25- The bottom of this river's made out of turds.- I know.
0:48:25 > 0:48:28Yeah. Try not to drink more than a pint.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33As I was carried away by the current, I noticed
0:48:33 > 0:48:37that the end of the bridge was now beyond the reach of our cranes.
0:48:37 > 0:48:40So when I returned, we built a home-made piledriver.
0:48:44 > 0:48:47Mounted it to a home-made barge...
0:48:47 > 0:48:48And kept right on going.
0:48:55 > 0:48:57Oh, no!
0:48:59 > 0:49:00BLEEP!
0:49:02 > 0:49:04Get it, stop it, stop it! James!
0:49:04 > 0:49:06I can't stop it!
0:49:06 > 0:49:09Get it, get it.
0:49:09 > 0:49:10Our bridge! Our bridge!
0:49:10 > 0:49:11Whoa!
0:49:13 > 0:49:17Quickly, go! Let's get it.
0:49:17 > 0:49:18Took hours!
0:49:18 > 0:49:20I've got it!
0:49:20 > 0:49:21I've got it!
0:49:21 > 0:49:22Hold on!
0:49:22 > 0:49:24HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:49:24 > 0:49:27Oh, no! No! No!
0:49:27 > 0:49:31That was a deep bit! I'm drowning in BLEEP!
0:49:31 > 0:49:32Oh, no!
0:49:34 > 0:49:36Man overboard!
0:49:36 > 0:49:37Man overboard!
0:49:37 > 0:49:38RICHARD GASPS
0:49:38 > 0:49:40How the hell are we ever going to...?
0:49:40 > 0:49:42This is worse!
0:49:42 > 0:49:45- Abandon bridge!- I'm getting back... BLEEP!
0:49:46 > 0:49:47BLEEP!
0:49:49 > 0:49:53Once we were back ashore, we gathered for an emergency meeting.
0:49:56 > 0:49:59I presume it was one of these that gave way.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02The piling. But why did it?
0:50:02 > 0:50:03Come on.
0:50:03 > 0:50:06Would it help focus our minds more on the problem
0:50:06 > 0:50:10if we had a shot of Hong Thong?
0:50:10 > 0:50:13- Yes.- Or we could have a Red Cock.
0:50:13 > 0:50:15We haven't had that.
0:50:15 > 0:50:16You got any white spirit?
0:50:16 > 0:50:18Yes, I have.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21I just don't get it.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24If one of the piers was wrong, that would do it.
0:50:27 > 0:50:33If we used...What if we used more of those whatever you call them,
0:50:33 > 0:50:35those bags of...
0:50:35 > 0:50:37JAMES CHOKES QUIETLY
0:50:38 > 0:50:43I'm not helping him cough. What if we use more of those bags of stones
0:50:43 > 0:50:48to protect the bamboo pillars from the current?
0:50:48 > 0:50:51That White Spirit, by the way, actually IS white spirit!
0:50:51 > 0:50:54- You're kidding?! What? - It's for cleaning brushes.
0:50:58 > 0:51:00'We carried on with the build
0:51:00 > 0:51:02'and as the long, hot days passed,
0:51:02 > 0:51:06'the bridge inched closer to the opposite bank.'
0:51:06 > 0:51:09There you go.
0:51:13 > 0:51:15Oh! He's gone through the ramp.
0:51:17 > 0:51:19Who here would like an ice cold beer?
0:51:19 > 0:51:22Oh, yes, please.
0:51:30 > 0:51:33'But, as we passed the two thirds point,
0:51:33 > 0:51:37'I was forced to call another emergency meeting.'
0:51:39 > 0:51:41What's the matter?
0:51:41 > 0:51:44Well, you know, we thought we were building a bridge over
0:51:44 > 0:51:46the River Kwai, which is noble?
0:51:46 > 0:51:48- We are.- We're not.
0:51:48 > 0:51:50The name of THAT river...
0:51:56 > 0:51:57The Kok?
0:51:58 > 0:52:02Top Gear is building a bridge over the River Kok.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08It's actually memorable.
0:52:08 > 0:52:12It is, you wouldn't order the wrong film from an Internet website.
0:52:12 > 0:52:14- You'd be very careful if you were.- How is BBC presentation...
0:52:14 > 0:52:17You know the woman at the beginning of every programme.
0:52:17 > 0:52:20"And tonight, Jeremy, James and Richard build a bridge
0:52:20 > 0:52:21"over the River Kok"...
0:52:23 > 0:52:25Well, we're not moving it!
0:52:28 > 0:52:31'At this point we had been at the site
0:52:31 > 0:52:33'for what seemed like an eternity
0:52:33 > 0:52:35'and we were desperate to get home
0:52:35 > 0:52:38'so we were working round the clock.'
0:52:38 > 0:52:40- Got it?- Yeah. That's a heavy...
0:52:40 > 0:52:42That's a bit denser, that one.
0:52:45 > 0:52:46RICHARD: I hate bamboo.
0:52:46 > 0:52:47I hate bamboo.
0:52:47 > 0:52:49So much.
0:52:59 > 0:53:00You know,
0:53:00 > 0:53:03after that drive through Burma,
0:53:03 > 0:53:05I was left with
0:53:05 > 0:53:09an enormous amount of respect for long-distance lorry drivers.
0:53:09 > 0:53:10But...
0:53:10 > 0:53:12Here, now,
0:53:12 > 0:53:15I have even more respect for those prisoners of war...
0:53:15 > 0:53:17- Oh, yeah.- Yeah.
0:53:17 > 0:53:20I mean, let's be honest, shall we,
0:53:20 > 0:53:22- we are eat eating here at night. - Yeah.
0:53:22 > 0:53:26- We haven't got dysentery and we haven't got cholera.- No.
0:53:26 > 0:53:29- And we're not been beaten, daily. - No, no.
0:53:29 > 0:53:32This is difficult, hard, hot work...
0:53:32 > 0:53:35- But nothing...- No.- ..at all...
0:53:35 > 0:53:39- You know that metal box.- Yeah.
0:53:39 > 0:53:43There was a guy called Captain Drauer
0:53:43 > 0:53:47who broke the camp commandant's table.
0:53:47 > 0:53:50He was sentenced to life underground and they buried him
0:53:50 > 0:53:53in one of those metal boxes with a metal roof exposed to the sun
0:53:53 > 0:53:57- and he was in there for 76 days. - Oh, God.
0:53:57 > 0:54:01He had a broken arm when they put him in and when they got him out
0:54:01 > 0:54:03the rats had eaten most of one of his feet.
0:54:05 > 0:54:07It just beggars belief.
0:54:25 > 0:54:28'As the sun rose on the 15th day,
0:54:28 > 0:54:32'after the hardest work any of us had ever done,
0:54:32 > 0:54:34'the bridge was finished.'
0:54:45 > 0:54:47That is a proud moment.
0:54:47 > 0:54:49But...
0:54:49 > 0:54:51There's a slope on it.
0:54:53 > 0:54:55You're right. It's definitely higher on that side.
0:54:59 > 0:55:01'We decided to ignore the slope
0:55:01 > 0:55:04'and move straight to the opening ceremony.'
0:55:04 > 0:55:07In three, two, one...
0:55:07 > 0:55:08I declare...
0:55:09 > 0:55:11..the bridge open.
0:55:13 > 0:55:15What a moment.
0:55:15 > 0:55:17And James May, you shall cross it first.
0:55:17 > 0:55:19Why am I crossing it first?
0:55:19 > 0:55:21Because I just said, "James May, you shall cross it first".
0:55:21 > 0:55:25- He did, he said that.- I did, didn't I?- You did, you said that. - Definitely.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32Right...
0:55:32 > 0:55:34Lucky elephant, lucky owl,
0:55:34 > 0:55:35Buddha, here we go.
0:55:35 > 0:55:37ENGINE STARTS
0:55:42 > 0:55:45BRIDGE CREAKS AND RATTLES
0:55:50 > 0:55:52Oh, yeah.
0:55:53 > 0:55:56I on the bridge over the River Kok.
0:56:05 > 0:56:09This is genuinely the most nerve wracking thing I've ever done.
0:56:09 > 0:56:13James, you are perilously... Does he realise?
0:56:13 > 0:56:15He's a long way over to the right.
0:56:15 > 0:56:17Just keep calm,
0:56:17 > 0:56:19keep calm.
0:56:19 > 0:56:22Oh, my God! It's squirreling.
0:56:25 > 0:56:27- Oh!- They're bending.
0:56:28 > 0:56:30I'm more than halfway across.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37BLEEP
0:56:39 > 0:56:41All I've got to do is get down here.
0:56:41 > 0:56:44I just got to get down here.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46I've almost done it.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48Please...
0:56:48 > 0:56:49BRIDGE CREAKS
0:56:53 > 0:56:56I'm over the River Kok on our own bridge!
0:56:59 > 0:57:01Yee-ha!
0:57:01 > 0:57:02Come on!
0:57:04 > 0:57:05Can you go next?
0:57:05 > 0:57:08- Yes, I will go next.- Yes?
0:57:08 > 0:57:10Yes, because your lorry is a lot heavier than my lorry
0:57:10 > 0:57:11and will weaken it.
0:57:12 > 0:57:14I didn't think of that.
0:57:20 > 0:57:23I have a policy here, speed and power.
0:57:23 > 0:57:26Because, in my mind,
0:57:26 > 0:57:27speed makes you lighter.
0:57:29 > 0:57:31I'm approaching the bridge now.
0:57:33 > 0:57:35Here we go.
0:57:35 > 0:57:40Taking your first ever gear change on the bridge over the River Kok
0:57:40 > 0:57:41and I bolst it up!
0:57:43 > 0:57:46Getting to close to the middle.
0:57:50 > 0:57:52Oh, the splintering noises.
0:57:55 > 0:57:57I'm weakening it for Hammond!
0:57:59 > 0:58:02Yes! Come on sports lorry!
0:58:04 > 0:58:06Yes!
0:58:06 > 0:58:09My sports lorry has broken its door
0:58:09 > 0:58:14but it is across and is bouncing to celebrate the moment.
0:58:14 > 0:58:16Yes!
0:58:18 > 0:58:23'Now it was the turn of the heaviest lorry of the lot.'
0:58:26 > 0:58:28Oh, dear God.
0:58:32 > 0:58:34This is a bridge that we built.
0:58:34 > 0:58:38I mean, obviously, I want him to fall into the Kok.
0:58:38 > 0:58:39Yes...
0:58:39 > 0:58:42But, if he does, we can't go home.
0:58:42 > 0:58:45- The challenge said all three lorries doing it.- I know.
0:58:46 > 0:58:51This struck is supposed to weigh 7.5 tonnes.
0:58:51 > 0:58:54I don't know if that takes into consideration
0:58:54 > 0:58:56all the extra bits on top!
0:58:56 > 0:58:57Oh, my God!
0:58:57 > 0:58:58Oh, oh!
0:58:58 > 0:59:01BRIDGE CREAKS
0:59:03 > 0:59:05Oh!
0:59:05 > 0:59:07Oh, I can hear it crushing.
0:59:07 > 0:59:08I can feel it moving.
0:59:10 > 0:59:12Oh, no, what's happened?
0:59:12 > 0:59:14Oh, no!
0:59:14 > 0:59:16Oh, no!
0:59:16 > 0:59:18What have I done?
0:59:18 > 0:59:21It's going at this end, as well.
0:59:21 > 0:59:24It's losing structure!
0:59:24 > 0:59:26Oh!
0:59:26 > 0:59:28It's breaking apart!
0:59:28 > 0:59:29Oh!
0:59:29 > 0:59:31Don't rush to the end, Rich.
0:59:31 > 0:59:33Just go in your own...
0:59:33 > 0:59:35Oh!
0:59:35 > 0:59:37Oh!
0:59:37 > 0:59:38Just tiptoe.
0:59:40 > 0:59:42Just tread lightly.
0:59:42 > 0:59:44Just tiptoe your way across.
0:59:44 > 0:59:47That's it. That's it.
0:59:47 > 0:59:49Light thoughts.
0:59:49 > 0:59:50This way, this way.
0:59:50 > 0:59:53BRIDGE CREAKS
0:59:56 > 0:59:58This way a bit. This way a bit.
0:59:58 > 1:00:00This way a bit.
1:00:00 > 1:00:02This way, this way, you're going to fall off.
1:00:02 > 1:00:04You're going to fall in!
1:00:09 > 1:00:10Yeah!
1:00:12 > 1:00:14Wo-ha-ha!
1:00:14 > 1:00:16Yes!
1:00:16 > 1:00:17Richard Hammond!
1:00:17 > 1:00:20I've never been glad to see you alive before
1:00:20 > 1:00:21but I am now.
1:00:21 > 1:00:23You were so close.
1:00:23 > 1:00:26We did it. We did it.
1:00:26 > 1:00:28- Ow!- Sorry.
1:00:28 > 1:00:29Mate...
1:00:31 > 1:00:35Do you know how close you were to falling into the middle at the end?
1:00:35 > 1:00:37Half a tyre.
1:00:37 > 1:00:39Half a tyre over the edge.
1:00:39 > 1:00:41The fact is, though...
1:00:41 > 1:00:43All three of us have done it.
1:00:43 > 1:00:46With our trucks, over the river.
1:00:46 > 1:00:47Here we are.
1:00:47 > 1:00:50- 1,200 miles, built a bridge...- Yeah.
1:00:50 > 1:00:52- ..drove all three lorries across it. - Yeah.
1:00:52 > 1:00:54It worked.
1:00:54 > 1:00:59Unlike the real film, Bridge On The River Kwai...
1:00:59 > 1:01:01..there is no bombshell.
1:01:01 > 1:01:02- No.- No.
1:01:02 > 1:01:05But there is an ending.
1:01:05 > 1:01:07- Thanks very much for watching. - Thanks for watching.
1:01:07 > 1:01:09What a journey!
1:01:09 > 1:01:10God, you were close.
1:01:12 > 1:01:15MUSIC: Burning Bridges, theme tune for Kelly's Heroes.
1:01:28 > 1:01:33# Friends all tried to warn me but I held my head up high
1:01:33 > 1:01:38# All the times you warned me but I only passed them by
1:01:38 > 1:01:43# They all tried to tell me but I guess I didn't care
1:01:43 > 1:01:47# I turned my back and left them standing there
1:01:49 > 1:01:53# All the burning bridges that are falling after me
1:01:54 > 1:01:59# All the lonely feelings and the burning memories
1:01:59 > 1:02:04# Everyone I left behind each time I closed the door
1:02:04 > 1:02:08# Burning bridges lost forevermore. #