0:00:17 > 0:00:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Thanks, everybody, thank you.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Hello, good evening.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Thank you so much.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28We're back!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30We have returned.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37We've returned with an all-new series, and it is a cracker.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42We have got a review of the Mk7 Volkswagen Golf,
0:00:42 > 0:00:47we've an extended report of the 900cc Dacia Sandero,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- James has done that. It's very long. - LAUGHTER
0:00:49 > 0:00:53We've a piece on bicycles, we've something on the stresses
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- of long-distance lorry driving... - LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:00:58..and the rest of it sort of looks like this.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06They should have called this the Widowmaker!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Come on, little Alfa.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10We have to beat him.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14You want a race? I'll give you a race!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh, God. My doves have escaped.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Arrrrrgh!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Just have my heated seat set to the first position.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Morning. Sorry.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39The town in question is called...
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Chernobyl.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Whoa! Ha-ha-ha!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Goooahhh!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01'Newsnight now, on BBC TWO...'
0:02:04 > 0:02:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:13All that is to come.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17But first, there has been, I'm afraid, a bit of a row in the office.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21You see, we think that the current crop of hot hatchbacks are very good,
0:02:21 > 0:02:25however, we say they're not as good as the hot hatchbacks
0:02:25 > 0:02:27you could buy in the '80s or the '90s.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Well, they're not, are they? - No, exactly, but our producers, who are very young
0:02:31 > 0:02:34and wander around with the top of their underpants
0:02:34 > 0:02:36showing at the back of their trousers,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38say that we are talking nonsense.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Yeah, so, to sort it all out, they told us to go and buy
0:02:41 > 0:02:44three old hot hatches, whilst they would devise
0:02:44 > 0:02:46a series of humiliating challenges.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- Hmm! Hmm! - LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:54The meeting point was a car park in Droitwich,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56and I was the first to arrive.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05This is a Volkswagen Golf GTI -
0:03:05 > 0:03:10the standard-bearer, the benchmark, the daddy...
0:03:11 > 0:03:16And think about it - a modern-day GTI would cost you £27,000.
0:03:16 > 0:03:23This was just 800 quid. I mean, 800 quid! For a Golf GTI!
0:03:23 > 0:03:28- It's only done 172,000 miles, and at just 25 years old it's... - HORN HONKS
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Oh, there's James!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Oh, God. That was a handbrake turn, right there, ladies and gentlemen.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Yo!
0:03:40 > 0:03:41XR2!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44XR2i, 16 valve.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45- 16 valve?- Oh, yes.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49See, I've gone for the coveted Mk2 eight-valve model.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- Eight valve?- Eight valve.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- What? - JAMES LAUGHS
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Oh, the comedy stickers.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58The thing is, James, what you have to remember is,
0:03:58 > 0:03:59you know when you look at a car,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02how has it been treated? Who's owned it?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I looked at these stickers,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06the non-standard alloy wheels,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08and I suspect this has been slammed.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- It does look like it's been slammed.- It's been lowered.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12So you add those things together,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16and I've deduced it was probably owned by...a parish priest?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- June Whitfield, probably. - It's funny you should say that,
0:04:19 > 0:04:23because I employ a similar tactic when I'm buying a car, so I looked
0:04:23 > 0:04:26at things like - it has very high-specification after-market
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- brake pads.- Has it?- Which means it was somebody
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- interested in safety, not speed. - Yes.- And also,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34they've done things like left the jacking point exposed,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37so you spend less time exposed to danger if you have to change
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- your wheel on the hard shoulder. - Exactly.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- 800 quid.- 750 quid.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45You see, we've been clever, we have been wise.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Sadly, our discussion was curtailed,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50because Hammond then arrived.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55And he hadn't been wise at all.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57JEREMY LAUGHS
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Is that...?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03No. No. No.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08- Nova SRi.- No.- This is fun, isn't it? I'm loving my day so far.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Let me talk you through it - 1.4-litre multi-point fuel injection,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- 82 brake horsepower.- Uh-huh.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15This is light, and nippy and quick.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- This was the clever choice in its day.- Was it?- Yeah. It was.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- Hammond...- I love... - Hammond, Hammond, Hammond, Hammond.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28- Yeah?- This has spent more time on its roof than it has on its wheels.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32All Novas are driven by yobbos who turn them over.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I must admit... Because it's not just this door that doesn't match.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36That one was white.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I don't think there's a ditch in Essex that this hasn't visited.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- But it's still working. These are very desirable.- Are they?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- How much was it?- 700 quid.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Not that anyone ever actually had to buy a Vauxhall Nova -
0:05:50 > 0:05:52it was much easier to steal one.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Nobody's to watch this if you're a car thief. Don't watch this.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- You have the keys.- I have the keys.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I'm going to remove the hazard warning light switch, OK?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05- Yep.- I'm now going to pop it back in again, upside down.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09And lo and behold, the ignition comes on.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Now it's just a question of, um... - Bump-start.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Go!
0:06:14 > 0:06:15ENGINE STARTS
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- And there we are. - HAMMOND LAUGHS
0:06:17 > 0:06:18And I've got the key!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22'As I was finishing my demonstration,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24'I received a message.'
0:06:24 > 0:06:26MOBILE BLEEPS
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- I've got a text. Oh, it's from the producers.- Eh?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Yeah, it's the first of the challenges.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33What happened to the gold envelope?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35He's a teenager.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37That would mean using a pen.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Oh, he wouldn't have seen one of those.- No, he wouldn't. Anyway...
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Hang on. I don't know what it says. - Because you need your glasses?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- Oh, dear.- I'm old!
0:06:46 > 0:06:51It says, "The main reason for buying a hot hatchback is speed.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55"You will therefore do a performance test at the Shelsley Walsh Hill Climb
0:06:55 > 0:06:56"in your crocks of ship."
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Ship?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Ship. I think there's been some auto-correction.- Yes.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Right...- Soldier on.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- CAR ALARM WAILS - Oh, bloody hell.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Have you got an alarm?
0:07:08 > 0:07:121989? They didn't have alarms, so everybody put after-market alarms
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- on them, which don't work.- Ever.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Oh, shut up!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20SECOND CAR ALARM WAILS ALONGSIDE THE FIRST
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I'd like to be laughing about them and their alarms,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26but I've just spotted something which is...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Well, everything got stolen in the '80s,
0:07:28 > 0:07:32so they'd engrave the reg number on the glass, and on the tailgate,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I can't help but notice that this registration number
0:07:35 > 0:07:37isn't the same as this registration number,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40which means it's not the original tailgate.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I thought that was the only original panel on it.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45ALARMS CONTINUE
0:07:46 > 0:07:47SINGLE ALARM CONTINUES
0:07:49 > 0:07:51JEREMY GROANS
0:07:54 > 0:07:55On the drive to the Hill Climb,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58we have the chance to get acquainted with our cars.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Oh, I love my little Nova. It's all about simplicity, lightness.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08This has nothing on it that you don't need.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Door mirrors, manual. Windows, manual.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14There isn't even a window winder on the passenger side,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17because it's dropped off. How simple and light is that?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Since we're alone, viewers, and it's traditional for me to be honest
0:08:24 > 0:08:28at this point, I will say that the car feels a little careworn.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31The driver's seat smells funny, the fuel gauge doesn't work
0:08:31 > 0:08:34all the time, and neither does the temperature gauge.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36The radio only comes out of one speaker.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38The clutch judders. The wheels wobble.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40There are a lot of knocks and rattles.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Amazing, really, because it's only done 23,000 miles.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Let me do a systems check and make sure all the equipment is working.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Heated rear window, yep.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Ashtray, yep.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Good, that's that done.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Third gear.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02CAR GROANS
0:09:03 > 0:09:08That G-force is nearly tearing my face off!
0:09:08 > 0:09:11We were so brave in the '80s.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15We were brave and we were strong, because we had no power steering.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18We didn't go to a gym - we just went for a drive.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19That would build up a sweat.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Many power-steering-less miles later...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26God, I stink.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30..we arrived at the terrifying Shelsley Walsh Hill Climb.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38Germany has the Nurburgring, America has Pikes Peak - we have this.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43It's more than half a mile long, and at the bottom of this fearsome
0:09:43 > 0:09:46ribbon of tarmac, we were given more details of our challenge.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48MOBILE BLEEPS
0:09:48 > 0:09:52"A modern Seat Ibiza Cupre
0:09:52 > 0:09:54"will now go up the Hill Climb course,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56"then you must try to beat its time."
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- Seat Cupre?- Yeah. - That's fast, is it?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Hang on, who's going to be driving the Seat?
0:10:02 > 0:10:07- It's not the Stig, is it?- No. No, it's not the Stig.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09It's the Stig's teenage cousin.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Look at the size of it! - I know. It's a whale.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Might as well try and drive up there in that barn.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28With the traditional Hill Climb chock holding the Seat in place,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Teenage Stig was ready for the off.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Go!
0:10:37 > 0:10:38What a dreary spectacle.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Doesn't have that nimble, light,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44tight, frenzied feel of a proper hot hatch.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Ohh...
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- OVER RADIO:- 'The Stig's teenage cousin did it in 40.50.'
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- What, to do 0.6 of a mile? - I shall halve it.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09As the Golf had the most power, we agreed it should go first.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Hold on, I'm just going to shut my window.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14HE IMITATES BUZZING
0:11:14 > 0:11:16There it is.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Three, two, one.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- That was all wheel-spin.- That's already quicker, look at that.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Double declutch into second. A pheasant!
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Ooh! That was close.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Yeah!
0:11:33 > 0:11:38112 of the finest German horsepower hurling me up this hill.
0:11:40 > 0:11:4460mph as we cross the line.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Uhh-uhh!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Next it was James' turn, in the XR2.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Three, two, one, go!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59You bastard!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Nice start(!)
0:12:03 > 0:12:08At speed, the XR2's 20-year-old steering really came into its own.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Oh, God.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- He's bought a dog. - He has bought an appalling dog.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Whoa.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21This is terrible.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28More worryingly, on the way back down, a marshal handed me back
0:12:28 > 0:12:29some of my car.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36That is a bolt, obviously.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40But for what?
0:12:44 > 0:12:45As I pondered on that,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Jeremy prepared the course for Hammond's Nova.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58- Hammond.- I have never seen a man suit a car more than that.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Three, two, one!
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Ah-ha-ha!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07That's some wheel-spin.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10There are some people who look like their dogs. There are one or two
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- people who look like their cars, and, yeah...- Little...- Nova drivers.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Everything, now. Come on, unleash the lot.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Across the line!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26And now, back down!
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Oh, yeah.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32TYRES SCREECH
0:13:32 > 0:13:34SMASHING
0:13:34 > 0:13:36BIRDS' WINGS FLAPPING
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Predictably, Hammond had binned it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- Oh, my God.- No!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44How the hell did you get it there?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Well, I was coming down here, and... Oh, hang on, it's...
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- You have righted it. - You have righted it.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Look, he's actually beaming because you stuffed your...
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Well, you can tell your mates, can't you? In the ditch.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01And it's a complete roll now.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Cos this was the thing in the '80s - you put your car in a ditch,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07and you did, and you found it funny.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Do you realise if Constable had lived today, he would have
0:14:10 > 0:14:15painted that. It would have been called the HEY, WAYNE.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17JEREMY LAUGHS Very good.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23As the marshals recovered the Nova, we were given the results.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- What was the Stig?- 40...- 40.5. - Right.- I was...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31..47.4.
0:14:31 > 0:14:37May, perhaps not surprisingly, 50.4.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Right.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Hammond...
0:14:40 > 0:14:4346.3.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- So you were the fastest, and I congratulate you.- Thank you.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51But the point is, we were all slower than the Stig, and yet we weren't.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Mm-hm.- Hang on. How do you make that out?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Time moved more slowly in the '80s.
0:14:56 > 0:15:02Because when you're 30, a year is a 30th of your life.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05When you're 50, it's a 50th of your life.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11'By the time Hammond had got this one worked out...
0:15:13 > 0:15:14'..darkness had fallen.'
0:15:16 > 0:15:19So what have we learned? Well, obviously we've learned
0:15:19 > 0:15:24that our cars are much cheaper than their modern-day equivalent,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26and in real terms faster.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31But I think we'd all agree that they are looking a little bit...tired.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36So we decided to spruce them up at the top-secret
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Top Gear Antique Restoration Centre,
0:15:39 > 0:15:43on the A451, just outside Kidderminster.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Here, cars are wrapped in a special self-adhesive material
0:15:47 > 0:15:50to give them a brand-new factory-fresh look.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56If you pay somebody else to respray your car...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- £5,000, £10,000.- Easily.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01This is less than 1,000.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04You know, pull the right bit off there, job done.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09With the Renault done, we decided to do our cars ourselves.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:15 > 0:16:21OK, well... We'll see how we get on with that later on.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24But now, it's time to do the news.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Now, BMW has made a three-cylinder hybrid.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32- Would you like to see a photograph? - Well, no, not really, no.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Well, that's a rotten bit of luck cos here it is.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- Wow, is that it?- Yeah, three-cylinder hybrid, right there.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38It looks quite good.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Is it vaguely reminiscent of the old M1? Remember the supercar they did?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45What it is, I'll tell you exactly what it is, that is the future.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46It really genuinely is.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49It's lightweight construction, petrol engine,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51working in tandem with an electric motor.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I know that sounds dreary, but think about it,
0:16:53 > 0:16:57it's the exact same recipe you get in a McLaren P1,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00and that is not dreary at all.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- No, and more to the point, you've driven it, it's on the show next week.- Yes.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Well, Come on, give us a hint, what's it like?
0:17:06 > 0:17:10It is genuinely unbelievable. The speed simply is mind-blowing.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- How fast?- Beyond...
0:17:13 > 0:17:17You can't keep up with just how fast it goes, that P1,
0:17:17 > 0:17:19and because of the P1,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22it means normal people can now drive a hybrid.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27You don't have to wear nuclear-free peace sandals,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30you can be like normal people here and have a hybrid.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33That's why I think that is going to be brilliant.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37The thing is, it will go like a 911, cost about the same,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40but you don't have to be a moron to drive one.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Child! You child!- Like James and Richard both have 911s.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Really? We're back at work, aren't we?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49We are back in the playground, yeah.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I'd like to talk about things I'm sorry I missed
0:17:51 > 0:17:53while we've been off air.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Plans are being drawn up, right, to fine the owner of a car,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00if a passenger throws litter out of the window.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Fine him?- The owner...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- Oh, throw him to the dogs. - Well, no...
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Use the Kim Jong-un technique on people who litter.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11No, I know what you mean, cos littering is the most moronic crime.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15It's pitiful, however, thanks to this there is now an excuse for it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- An excuse for littering?- Yeah.- What?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- Think about it, James, mate...- Yes?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21..can I have a lift home tonight in your car?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23JEREMY LAUGHS
0:18:23 > 0:18:28Just me and, like, my favourite bin bag full of empty crisp packets.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33I was once riding my motorcycle past a line of stationary cars
0:18:33 > 0:18:37and I was hit in the face by half a ready meal that had been thrown out of a window...
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- I mean, still hot.- That was me!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Was it? - Yeah, and it wasn't a ready meal!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- No. - LAUGHTER
0:18:46 > 0:18:48It was an adult nappy!
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Anyway, we've had the Formula One testing all last week,
0:18:53 > 0:18:54as I'm sure you know.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Important this year, the testing, cos there's so many new rules.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02The cars have to have 1.6 litre engines, narrower wings
0:19:02 > 0:19:03and sex aids on the front.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- Don't be stupid, they don't have to...- They do!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Hello? Have a look at this at Caterham.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12That's a sex aid on the front! Oh, no! What are they...?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14We've got a close-up on the Toro Rosso.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Oh, God! You wouldn't want to be rear-ended by that, would you?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Cos if you think of it, you get in the car,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23strap yourself in and there it is.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25It is a strap-on, basically.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- Formula "strap" One! - Formula "strap" One!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Formula "strap" One is what it is!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Right, here's a scenario. You're racing towards the finish line,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35neck and neck, you want to cross the line first.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- It's good if you could extend the front a bit...- Yeah.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40..and maybe if you were, I don't know, let's say,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42having trouble extending the bit at the front,
0:19:42 > 0:19:46they could have a little blue triangular button on the steering wheel that you could press.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- V Power!- Yes!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- There it is!- For about an hour and a half...it's longer!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I'm just saying.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- You don't get coverage like that in Autosport magazine.- Oh, yeah.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Now, are you always late for your game of golf?
0:20:00 > 0:20:06Are you sick of being the last to the lodge? Well, it's good news!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- CHEERING - Is it another Dacia?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- It's not a Dacia... - LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:16There is a new 450-brake horsepower Lexus called the RCF.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Here it is, what do you think?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I hate to have to say this, James, but I actually quite like it.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I'm glad, cos I quite like it as well.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Oh, God, I'm going to catch golf from you two! Ugh!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- I'm going to turn up next week like that.- Hang on a minute, though.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36- This is the second Lexus you've liked.- It is, you're a Lexus fan.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37There you go.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40And then, I'm going to join the police as a constable
0:20:40 > 0:20:42and become a chief inspector within a week
0:20:42 > 0:20:44with me trouser leg rolled up and one of those.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Oh, it was the Masons! I thought that was a sexual thing!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Ooh, I tell you what I was driving the other day,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53the new Mercedes S-Class which is available
0:20:53 > 0:20:56with a thermal imaging camera, OK,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58which sends a feed from the front of the car onto the dashboard,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01so you can see what's ahead at night,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05beyond the range of your headlights. We've got some footage of it here.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06So as you're driving along,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08the camera can see animals, there you go,
0:21:08 > 0:21:10and it picks them out in red, or people.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12As it's going along there is an animal, you see?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- That's clever.- A bit of a gimmick, though, isn't it? You wouldn't rely on it.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19You say that, James, but I was coming back to my flat in London
0:21:19 > 0:21:22the other night, it was quite late, in the S-Class with that turned on.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26As I was going up, it picked out a red box in some bushes,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28just outside my front door.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I drove up, I thought,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32"What on earth is that at this time of the morning?"
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Drove up, when the headlines got there, paparazzi photographer.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40- So it can find paps hiding in the dark?- Yeah, but there's a problem.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- Because when I tried to run him down... - LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:47As you get near, it automatically applies the brakes.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51What's the point of targeting somebody, if you can't hit them?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53They haven't thought that through.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Back to the drawing board with that, please, Mercedes.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01Now, obviously the biggest news while we were off air
0:22:01 > 0:22:05was the tragic accident that Michael Schumacher had.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I don't know if any of his family are watching, but I'm sure everybody
0:22:08 > 0:22:12here would join with us to wish him a full and speedy recovery.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Absolutely. APPLAUSE
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- Come on, old fella, pull through. - Yeah.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Now...
0:22:24 > 0:22:29Tonight we are attempting to prove to our teenage producers that the
0:22:29 > 0:22:33hot hatches of our youth were better than the hot hatches of today.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Yes, and when we left the action we were at the Top Gear Restoration
0:22:37 > 0:22:42Technical Centre, where we decided to wrap our cars ourselves.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Because Hammond's car was the smallest, he finished first.
0:22:48 > 0:22:53The results of my labours. Urban camo.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Or it might be Arctic urban camo.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Yeah, there's a rough edge here and there, but for a first attempt
0:22:58 > 0:22:59I think it's pretty crisp...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Behold the genius!- What?
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Hello. Mate, it's...
0:23:06 > 0:23:09HAMMOND LAUGHS
0:23:10 > 0:23:17- I haven't seen it in the light, it's terrible!- How brilliant is this?
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- What you're looking at here is velvet.- Why didn't you DRIVE it out?
0:23:21 > 0:23:27Because I suspect James May, as a cruel joke, has hidden my keys.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32Actually, no. I suspect you've effectively hidden your keys
0:23:32 > 0:23:35because I suspect that's them there, look.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37You left them on the roof.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40And while I'm here, isn't there a sunroof on this car?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- Yes, here.- Well, you can't open it, or this door.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Or in fact, this door. - Burglar-proof.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50As Jeremy retrieved his keys, James appeared.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- He hasn't got the idea of wrapping, has he?- No.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Come on!- It's a bit annual, mate.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- That's exactly it. It's seasonal. - It is unequivocal, is what it is.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05If you park that by the side of the road,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07and say to anyone, "What's happened to that car?"
0:24:07 > 0:24:09and they will say it, "Oh, it's been wrapped."
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Hang on, a text.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- "Dear grandad..."- Ooh! - Really? Thank you.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18"Because 1980s hot hatchbacks were so easy to steal,
0:24:18 > 0:24:22"they were mostly used for doing handbrake turns on housing estates
0:24:22 > 0:24:24"and ram raiding Woolworths.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- "So, to see which one of your ridiculous cars..."- Superb cars.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31"..is best, you will have a game of Supermarket Sweep."
0:24:35 > 0:24:36The rules were simple.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41The producers had laid out a course around the aisles of a supermarket
0:24:41 > 0:24:46and we had to see which of our cars could get around it the fastest.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Right, James, you are going first.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Just so you know, there is a second added to your time for every
0:24:52 > 0:24:55£1 of damage that you do out there.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Right.- OK?- OK.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00This is going to be like living in the 1980s.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02ENGINE REVS
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Three, two, one, go!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Obviously, I am the intelligent one here
0:25:13 > 0:25:17and the point of this is to not hit anything, not to go around quickly.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- He's neat.- Isn't he?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26A second is more easily saved by not breaking something
0:25:26 > 0:25:29than by driving into things.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Through the chicane...
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Missing that, missing that, missing everything.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- Oh, his wheel got jammed up with... spam!- Spam!
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Briskly around there...
0:25:45 > 0:25:48And through to the finish.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- How did I do?- One minute and two, but you did hit things, James.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58After the value of the smashed custard creams
0:25:58 > 0:26:01and the splattered Spam had been totted up,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I took my place on the start line.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07CAR ALARM BLARES
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Good.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- Yes!- Three, two, one, go!
0:26:18 > 0:26:19That's a vigorous start.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Here we go!
0:26:24 > 0:26:25And into the turn.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32It's a bad crash! Oh, no!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- That's a couple of seconds off there.- Yeah, I'd say so.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Things have gone literally...
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I've hit the luxury toiletries!
0:26:43 > 0:26:44And some bread.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Yes, I've just hit some... Oh.
0:26:48 > 0:26:54Oh, no! I've got Rich Tea biscuits, literally everywhere.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Oh, God above.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Well, it is a quick time now, but it possibly won't be
0:27:02 > 0:27:05once we've added on... the destruction!
0:27:10 > 0:27:11I've gone again.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15In the plums!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18He's on the finishing straight.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21And...across the line!
0:27:25 > 0:27:29It took a very long time to work out Jeremy's score.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33But eventually, it was my go.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Let's do this.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39What do you think he's going to do? Your style, or my style?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Well, if he's got any sense he'll do mine,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43but he hasn't got any sense cos he's Hammond, so...
0:27:43 > 0:27:47- Go!- Come on, little Nova, here we go.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Oh, dear. Oh, that's...
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Gee, that was enormous!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SQUEAL
0:28:02 > 0:28:04What manner of thing did he do?
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Run away!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Here he comes.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22And across the line!
0:28:25 > 0:28:29- Well, that's predictable.- Oh, 1:04.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34That completed the supermarket challenge.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37All we had to do now was help Hammond right his car.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- ..Three...- Maybe another one?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Come on!
0:28:47 > 0:28:49ALL GRUNT
0:28:56 > 0:29:00The next morning, as we set off to Wales for our next challenge,
0:29:00 > 0:29:03all was not well in our convoy.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10A packet of Coco Pops had severed the fuel line in Hammond's Nova.
0:29:10 > 0:29:15And one of the many crashes had damaged Jeremy's Golf.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Oh, God, no, this steering...
0:29:17 > 0:29:20There's something catastrophically wrong. Look at it!
0:29:21 > 0:29:26I can't... Oh! Um, gentlemen, I may have to stop.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30A couple of miles further on,
0:29:30 > 0:29:33I found an empty airfield where I could do some repairs.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38Yes, the handling characteristics were affected by a small accident
0:29:38 > 0:29:40last night with some beef stew.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44- Oh, dear.- I hit the bottom of the wheel and it's gone in. But you can solve it.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48Yes, I've seen that done. Most F1 teams do something similar(!)
0:29:48 > 0:29:50Is your car working yet, Hammond?
0:29:50 > 0:29:53I've got to put a new fuel pipe on, it'll take me a second.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56I've got one more jubilee clip to do and it'll be done. MOBILE BLEEPS
0:29:56 > 0:29:59- What?- Text, which could mean it is from the producers.
0:29:59 > 0:30:04- Ah, the results of Supermarket Sweep are in.- Oh, brilliant.
0:30:04 > 0:30:09- James - one minute and five seconds. - Three quid's worth of damage?
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Three seconds added, three quid's worth of damaged produce.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14- Richard.- Yes?
0:30:14 > 0:30:19- Two minutes and 12 seconds. - That's 60-something quid's worth.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23You got a minute and eight seconds, yeah, you got £68 worth of damage.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25- Jeremy- Clarkson. Yes?
0:30:25 > 0:30:2828 minutes and six seconds.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30- Don't be stupid!- Oh, you didn't quite make the half hour!
0:30:32 > 0:30:37It's rubbish, anyway, because in the '80s I did not ram raid shops.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41- I had much better things to do with my cars.- What?
0:30:41 > 0:30:46- I can't tell you now.- Why not? - The producers.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49- What?- What I'm going to do, Hammond, you can't do in front of
0:30:49 > 0:30:51BBC health and safety people.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55Eventually the producers went to get something to eat
0:30:55 > 0:30:59and with the cars mended, I began my demonstration.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03Right, this is called Lap Of Your Own Car.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05I'm going to climb out of the window, over the roof,
0:31:05 > 0:31:07through the passenger window
0:31:07 > 0:31:11and back behind the wheel before the car stops.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14- But you're the driver.- Yes.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16- Right!- Are we ready? I'm going to pop it into neutral. Here we go.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20- Oh, my God.- I think this is what George Michael was trying to do.
0:31:20 > 0:31:25- Small steering input.- I've got it. Oh, my God. It doesn't really steer.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28- I'm out!- He is out of the car.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31I'm actually on the roof of a moving vehicle.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34- I am doing a lap now. - Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Here he is, coming in.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Tell you what, velvet's good, you get better traction.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41RICHARD LAUGHS
0:31:41 > 0:31:45- Genuinely staggered. It worked!- Yes!
0:31:46 > 0:31:50This success sent us on a journey down memory lane.
0:31:53 > 0:31:58- Yeah!- Two silver trays underneath the rear wheels, handbrake on,
0:31:58 > 0:31:59the best game in the world.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Musical chairs, let it begin.
0:32:05 > 0:32:06Right, you're now steering.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10- I'm in the driver's seat!- Your hair!
0:32:10 > 0:32:12Get off!
0:32:12 > 0:32:15Your bottom is touching my sausage!
0:32:15 > 0:32:18- May, go back.- Go, go, go!
0:32:18 > 0:32:22THEY SCREAM
0:32:25 > 0:32:27The '80s were brilliant.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29- They were better. - Just much better.- Music was better.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32- Everything was better.- Oh, yeah.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36We then rounded off our Don't Try This At Home nostalgia trip
0:32:36 > 0:32:38with a traditional drag race.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Three, two, one, go!
0:32:45 > 0:32:49- The mighty Golf GTi. - Come on, Nova. Come on, come on!
0:32:49 > 0:32:50No, he's getting away!
0:32:52 > 0:32:54ENGINE GROANS
0:32:54 > 0:32:56What's... Oh!
0:32:58 > 0:33:01A total victory.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03What's happened to Hammond?
0:33:03 > 0:33:06What had happened to Hammond was not good.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09- Still there.- Perhaps it's not used to being the right way up.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12ENGINE STRUGGLES
0:33:14 > 0:33:17It's fine. It's fine.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21ENGINE GRINDS Oh, that's good as well. Fine.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28- You've knackered that. - You've totalled your Nova.
0:33:28 > 0:33:29It's fine.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32APPLAUSE
0:33:33 > 0:33:36- Hammond...- No, what?!- Hammond...
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Would you like to tell the ladies and gentlemen
0:33:39 > 0:33:41what happened to your Nova?
0:33:41 > 0:33:43- It just blew up.- Did it?- Boom!
0:33:43 > 0:33:47Or did you change into first rather than third?
0:33:47 > 0:33:49- Well, I did do that a bit.- Exactly.
0:33:49 > 0:33:54Never mind that, because the producers are very cross with us
0:33:54 > 0:33:56about our little trip down memory lane.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59They say that it might make young people copy us.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02I don't see why, it's not like they've ever copied anything else we do, is it?
0:34:02 > 0:34:06No, you never hear kids in the barber's say, "Can I have hair like James May's?"
0:34:06 > 0:34:08It was a montage of stuff
0:34:08 > 0:34:12that was acceptable in the '80s that isn't acceptable now.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14- Like wearing white socks.- Exactly.
0:34:14 > 0:34:18Or saying to a female co-worker, "You look nice today."
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Exactly. You can't do that any more.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25Anyway, we must move on, because I want to talk about
0:34:25 > 0:34:27one of the most evocative words in motoring.
0:34:27 > 0:34:32Bonneville. Team it with "Triumph", it's a legendary motorcycle.
0:34:32 > 0:34:37Team it with "salt flats", it's a shrine to the pursuit of speed.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40Team it with "Hugh" and it's... neither of those things.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44But it is tonight's Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.
0:34:44 > 0:34:50From Downton Abbey, his favourite TV show, Hugh Bonneville!
0:34:50 > 0:34:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Hello! How are you?
0:34:55 > 0:34:58He's here!
0:34:58 > 0:35:01- He's here. Have a seat.- Thank you.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06Richard Hammond is beside himself with excitement.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Downton, he's obsessed.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12I want to begin, if I may, talking about your early life, early cars.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16Despite your legendary name, it doesn't seem like
0:35:16 > 0:35:19you come from a family of speed freaks.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23No, the Bonneville salt flats don't feature in my pedigree.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26We were a family of Volvos, when I was growing up.
0:35:26 > 0:35:32Starting with a 121, a roundy shape, number plate NUV665E.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35For some reason, I can remember that number plate,
0:35:35 > 0:35:36but I can't remember my own now.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39That's a weird thing. I was talking to James about this the other day.
0:35:39 > 0:35:43We can remember the number plates of our fathers' cars.
0:35:43 > 0:35:47JWY370J, DW510H on the Cortina 1600E.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50FYR495J on the Volvo 124.
0:35:50 > 0:35:56- So you can remember all your dad's Volvos?- Yeah, it's tragic, really.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59They were 1 Series Volvos, so very early ones.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02The weird thing about the first one, the NUV665E,
0:36:02 > 0:36:05was that my dad regretted selling it,
0:36:05 > 0:36:11and he was at a zebra crossing near where we lived in Blackheath
0:36:11 > 0:36:14and suddenly he spotted it about five years later
0:36:14 > 0:36:15and flagged down the driver and said,
0:36:15 > 0:36:18"If ever you want to sell it, it was the biggest mistake of my life."
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Later, the bloke got in touch
0:36:20 > 0:36:22and it was in the family for the next ten years.
0:36:22 > 0:36:27On the subject of family, why did you try to bury your sister
0:36:27 > 0:36:30when she was still perfectly healthy?
0:36:30 > 0:36:32LAUGHTER
0:36:32 > 0:36:36I can't believe you've asked me that question. That's quite embarrassing.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Well, she'd been quite annoying.
0:36:38 > 0:36:42I was about eight and she was 16, I think.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44I complained to Mum,
0:36:44 > 0:36:48and she was cooking supper and said, "Yes, that must be annoying."
0:36:48 > 0:36:51I said, "I'm going to kill her, but first I'm going to dig a grave."
0:36:51 > 0:36:54And she said, "Yes, dear, dinner will be in half an hour."
0:36:54 > 0:36:57I got a shovel and I started digging,
0:36:57 > 0:37:01I measured it out, six foot long and that wide...
0:37:01 > 0:37:04I got about three inches
0:37:04 > 0:37:09and the weird thing was, Magpie were filming in our street.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13They were doing a programme about rag-and-bone men.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16My mum ran out to say, "We've got an old tin bath,"
0:37:16 > 0:37:20so they said, "Can we film coming round the back of the house?"
0:37:20 > 0:37:24to where the tin bath was, and the cameraman fell in the grave!
0:37:25 > 0:37:28I hasten to add, I love my sister.
0:37:28 > 0:37:29Yeah! Tried to kill her.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32I once tried to kill my sister when she put a drawing pin
0:37:32 > 0:37:33through my space hopper.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35- AUDIENCE:- Ooh! - Bitch!
0:37:38 > 0:37:42You heard that, Joanna. Lord Grantham just called you a bitch.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48Did you have a flirtation with Triumphs as a family?
0:37:48 > 0:37:50I always coveted my aunt's Triumph Stag,
0:37:50 > 0:37:52which was a beautiful car, and the selfish cow sold it
0:37:52 > 0:37:55rather than give it to me for free.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58- A Stag. You'd suit a Stag.- A Stag.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01You don't actually drive a two-seater sports car
0:38:01 > 0:38:02from what I understand?
0:38:02 > 0:38:07- No, I don't. I currently have an XC90, a Volvo XC90.- A fine car.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10I bought it off a friend ten years ago and it has served us very well.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14But going to go to an Audi Q5.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17Is that really Snoozeville?
0:38:17 > 0:38:18That's like forsaking all food
0:38:18 > 0:38:21and saying, "I'm going to live for the rest of my life
0:38:21 > 0:38:23"on nothing but wallpaper paste."
0:38:23 > 0:38:26- It's an appalling...- Jeremy!- What?
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Stop talking to him about cars.
0:38:28 > 0:38:34Hammond... Never, you're always having a cup of tea.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37- What?- Stop talking to him about cars.- Why?
0:38:37 > 0:38:40Because he's from Downton Abbey.
0:38:40 > 0:38:45- He's Lord Grantham, over there. - I know!- He's looking at me!
0:38:49 > 0:38:54- Ask him my question.- What question? - Who's Lady Mary going to marry?
0:38:54 > 0:38:59- Which one?- Who is Lady Mary going to marry?
0:38:59 > 0:39:01I have no idea. I'm sorry, Richard, I don't know.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04Of course he knows! He's Lord Grantham!
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Hammond, he's not here to talk about Downton,
0:39:06 > 0:39:08you're here to talk about your new film.
0:39:08 > 0:39:12- Exactly.- Go away!- Back in your box! - Go away!
0:39:13 > 0:39:17Anyway, the new film, The Monuments Men, what is it about?
0:39:17 > 0:39:21It is based on the true story of these rather unsung heroes
0:39:21 > 0:39:26of the Second World War, who were art historians and museum curators
0:39:26 > 0:39:30who were sent in after D-day, largely, to try and locate the art
0:39:30 > 0:39:34and treasures that the Nazis were spiriting away,
0:39:34 > 0:39:37and also to persuade the Allies not to blow up that particular church
0:39:37 > 0:39:39because there are Germans in it,
0:39:39 > 0:39:41because it does contain part of our culture.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44- Really? And that's a true story? - It's based on a true story.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46- We've got a clip.- Ooh! I've not seen anything of it.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49Well, you can have a look at yourself on telly. Look, here we go.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52And finally, we have your sculptor, Sergeant Walter Garfield.
0:39:52 > 0:39:56He's a good egg. I worked with him on the World War I memorial in St Louis.
0:39:56 > 0:39:57A-ha! St Louis...
0:39:57 > 0:40:00GUNFIRE
0:40:00 > 0:40:05- How are you, old boy? - Hey, Walter, how they treating you?
0:40:05 > 0:40:06Taking it pretty easy on us.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09I think that they feel sorry for us old guys.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12- I don't much fancy an obstacle course.- It's not so bad.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14By the end, you're just crawling on your belly
0:40:14 > 0:40:16while teenagers shoot blanks over your head.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18- Well, yes and no.- How's that?
0:40:18 > 0:40:22- Yes, they are teenagers.- And no? - They're not blanks.
0:40:25 > 0:40:29Looks like my sort of film. That is my sort of film.
0:40:29 > 0:40:34Now, George Clooney. He directed it as well, didn't he?
0:40:34 > 0:40:39George directed it, he stars in it, he produced it and he co-wrote it.
0:40:39 > 0:40:43I've been wondering, looking at what you're doing at the moment,
0:40:43 > 0:40:45is how on earth you are fitting it in,
0:40:45 > 0:40:47because you're also working on W1A.
0:40:47 > 0:40:51Yes, W1A is a spin-off of a show I did called Twenty Twelve.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54- Which was fabulous.- Thank you very much.- I properly loved that.
0:40:54 > 0:40:58It was a mockumentary about trying to organise the Olympics.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Obviously, my character made such a success of organising the Olympics,
0:41:01 > 0:41:04I'm the go-to man to sort out corporate issues.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07So what better place than to go into the BBC?
0:41:07 > 0:41:08When I heard that this was happening,
0:41:08 > 0:41:12and I can see all the location signs around the BBC buildings
0:41:12 > 0:41:14where you are filming it, I was thinking,
0:41:14 > 0:41:17how do you make fiction about BBC management
0:41:17 > 0:41:20funnier than what actually happens?
0:41:21 > 0:41:24Broadcasting House, the new big building on Regent Street,
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Portland Place, you're not allowed in there
0:41:26 > 0:41:30even if you're BBC staff unless you've been on a half-hour
0:41:30 > 0:41:34health and safety course on how to operate the building.
0:41:34 > 0:41:35I started the course.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39A lady with an eight-page document arrived to talk me through it.
0:41:39 > 0:41:43Page one was a picture of a fire alarm, red fire alarm box.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45It said, "This is a fire alarm."
0:41:45 > 0:41:50Page two, a graphic of a green sign with a man running like this
0:41:50 > 0:41:53with the word "exit". "That's an emergency exit."
0:41:53 > 0:41:55At that point, I was taken off to do some filming.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57- I still haven't... - You haven't completed the course?
0:41:57 > 0:42:00I still haven't. I still have to be escorted around Broadcasting House
0:42:00 > 0:42:03in case I'm confused by a light fitting!
0:42:03 > 0:42:06Or something of that nature. It is stupid.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09I'm longing to see something that satirises it,
0:42:09 > 0:42:13but again, how are you doing it? You must be the world's busiest man.
0:42:13 > 0:42:16Presumably you drove very quickly around the lap,
0:42:16 > 0:42:19so you could get home more quickly?
0:42:19 > 0:42:21No, I'm not a speed merchant.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23At the beginning, when The Stig took me around,
0:42:23 > 0:42:26I was really terrified, being in the passenger seat,
0:42:26 > 0:42:28and I thought, "I'll never be able to do this."
0:42:28 > 0:42:30By the end, as your guys will tell you,
0:42:30 > 0:42:32I refused to get out, I wanted to go again and again.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34Who here would like to see the lap?
0:42:34 > 0:42:36- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:42:36 > 0:42:38Play the tape, let's have a look.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43The car, fresh after its long rest.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45Come on, son!
0:42:46 > 0:42:49Look at the lines, streaming down.
0:42:49 > 0:42:53That is wet, really is pouring down, and that's odd for England(!)
0:42:53 > 0:42:57If you're watching abroad, it's never normally like that here.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59Where's the white line? Oh, there.
0:42:59 > 0:43:00LAUGHTER
0:43:00 > 0:43:04You may laugh, but it is quite tricky to see the line
0:43:04 > 0:43:06when the track is soaking wet.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08It's really steamy.
0:43:10 > 0:43:11Hmm?
0:43:14 > 0:43:18You need to get that sort of thing sorted out before you set off.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21Even though the lines are invisible from behind the wheel,
0:43:21 > 0:43:24you've done a pretty good job. That's not bad.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Woohoo! Perfectly judged.
0:43:30 > 0:43:31Must remember to get some milk.
0:43:32 > 0:43:35Worse than Kimi Raikkonen for not paying attention,
0:43:35 > 0:43:38but no worries through there at all.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42Tyres, speedy, moving them about nicely.
0:43:42 > 0:43:44Oh, that is quick!
0:43:44 > 0:43:47On the wrong side of the road there, but never mind.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50It's nicely done, and you haven't gone off on the second to last corner.
0:43:50 > 0:43:53Gambon, a bit of understeer. That car grips well.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55And there we are. Across the line!
0:43:55 > 0:43:58APPLAUSE
0:44:02 > 0:44:03Now, ha-ha!
0:44:08 > 0:44:12Just realised that's the first ever wet lap we've had in that car.
0:44:12 > 0:44:15Nobody else has driven around in the rain.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19Bearing that in mind, where do you think you've come?
0:44:19 > 0:44:24Well, I suspect...between Ron Howard and Steven Tyler,
0:44:24 > 0:44:26bearing in mind it's wet.
0:44:26 > 0:44:30Somewhere between 1.50 and 1.51 is what you think you've done.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32Well, you did it in...
0:44:41 > 0:44:441.50.1.
0:44:44 > 0:44:49Which means you're the first guest ever to guess correctly...
0:44:49 > 0:44:51Wait, wait, wait!
0:44:54 > 0:44:58- You just put Steven Tyler... - I'll cross it out, wrong.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00A very professional show. There, look, correct!
0:45:02 > 0:45:05To be brutally honest with you, The Stig did say
0:45:05 > 0:45:06that you have a natural talent
0:45:06 > 0:45:10and if it had been dry you would have been very close to the top.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13- Well, that's an accolade then.- It is.
0:45:13 > 0:45:16- I'll go away happy, thank you. - Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much, Hugh Bonneville!
0:45:16 > 0:45:18Thank you.
0:45:18 > 0:45:19CHEERING
0:45:23 > 0:45:27Right, tonight the boys and girls who produce Top Gear
0:45:27 > 0:45:30are on a mission to prove that the hot hatchbacks of our era
0:45:30 > 0:45:34- were rubbish.- Yeah. Things are not going well for me,
0:45:34 > 0:45:36- cos I've slightly damaged the engine...- Ruined.
0:45:36 > 0:45:37LAUGHTER
0:45:37 > 0:45:40- Slightly damaged.- Whatever...- Damaged the engine in my Nova and it's
0:45:40 > 0:45:43- on the back of a tow truck. - But despite this we had been told
0:45:43 > 0:45:46to report to somewhere we couldn't pronounce...
0:45:46 > 0:45:47in Wales.
0:45:51 > 0:45:55Having crossed the Severn Estuary we soon arrived at the location.
0:45:56 > 0:46:01- HE STRUGGLES TO PRONOUNCE: - Trefniadaeth Seilwaith Amddiffyn
0:46:01 > 0:46:04Man Hyfforddi Caerwent.
0:46:04 > 0:46:08And here on this huge, abandoned army base crisscrossed
0:46:08 > 0:46:12with more than 30 miles of deserted roads,
0:46:12 > 0:46:15we received the details of our challenge.
0:46:15 > 0:46:18Oh, hello. Why is it an envelope and not a text this time?
0:46:18 > 0:46:21- That's a good point. - We're in Wales - no signal.
0:46:21 > 0:46:24- Ahh!- Yeah! We're back to the old ways.
0:46:24 > 0:46:25Come on then, what is it?
0:46:25 > 0:46:28"Because the drivers of '80s hatchbacks were irresponsible
0:46:28 > 0:46:32"and stupid they were often chased by the 50."
0:46:32 > 0:46:36Er, James, it means the 5-0, as in Hawaii 5-0, it's the police.
0:46:36 > 0:46:38- Yeah, whatever. Well, anyway.- The 50!
0:46:38 > 0:46:40Anyway... "You will now go head-to-head with
0:46:40 > 0:46:43"the Top Gear Police Department. Each of you will take it in turns
0:46:43 > 0:46:46"to drive your own car while the other two will use
0:46:46 > 0:46:49"a selection of police vehicles to try and stop you."
0:46:49 > 0:46:51- That sounds quite good. - It does sound good.
0:46:51 > 0:46:53Tell you what, Hammond, you go first.
0:46:53 > 0:46:55Erm, good, yes.
0:46:55 > 0:46:57I might need a minute.
0:46:58 > 0:47:00While Hammond mended his car,
0:47:00 > 0:47:05James and I broke out the TGPD pursuit vehicles
0:47:05 > 0:47:09and slipped into our police uniforms.
0:47:13 > 0:47:15OK, Hammond, are you ready?
0:47:15 > 0:47:20- Yes, I am. This is going to be good. - In 3, 2, 1...
0:47:20 > 0:47:22start the clock.
0:47:22 > 0:47:23ENGINE FAILS TO START
0:47:25 > 0:47:27STARTS CREAKILY
0:47:27 > 0:47:29We are off.
0:47:29 > 0:47:34CREAKS AND GRINDS
0:47:34 > 0:47:36Yep, it's just warming up. SIREN WAILS
0:47:36 > 0:47:38Here we go...
0:47:38 > 0:47:42Ha-ha!
0:47:42 > 0:47:45Excuse me, sir, my moustache would like a word with you,
0:47:45 > 0:47:48if you'd like to step out of the vehicle. You're nicked, sunshine.
0:47:48 > 0:47:50- What did I do? How long? - Eight seconds.
0:47:50 > 0:47:52Do you know, another fault...
0:47:52 > 0:47:54- Did it?- Very similar.- Did it?
0:47:54 > 0:47:58It manifested itself similarly to the last one that one I repaired.
0:47:58 > 0:48:02- Tell that to the judge... - Yes.- ..sunshine.- Right.
0:48:02 > 0:48:04Jeremy then put on the yobbo outfit
0:48:04 > 0:48:08and lined up his velvet Golf on the start line.
0:48:08 > 0:48:113, 2, 1...begin...
0:48:11 > 0:48:15COPS AND ROBBERS MUSIC
0:48:15 > 0:48:16SIRENS WAIL
0:48:16 > 0:48:19And there we are, eight seconds. I've already beaten Hammond.
0:48:26 > 0:48:28He's getting away, constable!
0:48:29 > 0:48:31Yes. Live with this...!
0:48:33 > 0:48:36You see, what we're learning straight away is that
0:48:36 > 0:48:41a modern police Astra is no match for a 1980s hot hatchback.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46TYRES SQUEAL
0:48:47 > 0:48:51And it wasn't just the Astras that were causing problems.
0:48:51 > 0:48:53Recent figures say that in London
0:48:53 > 0:48:5712 police cars are crashed every day.
0:48:57 > 0:49:01And the reason is, it's because they are driving in high-energy
0:49:01 > 0:49:05difficult situations while under the influence of the moustache.
0:49:07 > 0:49:11Got a moustache, got a moustache, got a moustache.
0:49:11 > 0:49:14TYRES SQUEAL
0:49:16 > 0:49:18Oh, he's lost it!
0:49:19 > 0:49:23Totally distracted by his face decoration.
0:49:24 > 0:49:29MUSIC: "Miami Vice Theme" by Jan Hammer
0:49:29 > 0:49:31With the Astras unable to close the gap...
0:49:31 > 0:49:33Come on!
0:49:34 > 0:49:36..the chase went on...
0:49:37 > 0:49:39..and on...
0:49:39 > 0:49:40and on...
0:49:47 > 0:49:48MUSIC CONTINUES
0:49:48 > 0:49:52The next morning, the weather had become extremely Welsh.
0:49:52 > 0:49:54But still, the Golf was uncaught.
0:49:56 > 0:49:57This isn't working, sir.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00No, I agree, I think we're going to have to break out
0:50:00 > 0:50:02the Top Gear Police Department magnetron of justice.
0:50:05 > 0:50:08If anything could stop the miscreant, it was this.
0:50:10 > 0:50:14A giant crane with a seven-kilowatt magnet suspended from its arm.
0:50:16 > 0:50:20A machine that could render any vehicle immobile in moments.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27Right, let's go get him.
0:50:28 > 0:50:30Soon, the trap was set.
0:50:34 > 0:50:35Mmm, what's this...?
0:50:35 > 0:50:38Arming magnet.
0:50:38 > 0:50:40MAGNET FIZZING
0:50:49 > 0:50:51Here he comes...
0:50:53 > 0:50:55RICHARD CHUCKLES
0:51:02 > 0:51:06Blithering idiots. Do they not realise you can't use a magnet
0:51:06 > 0:51:08to pick up velvet?
0:51:09 > 0:51:12There was only one thing for it -
0:51:12 > 0:51:15unleash the TGPD remote-controlled car of death.
0:51:17 > 0:51:19Target vehicle identified and located.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23Where the hell are they?
0:51:24 > 0:51:29How can this be a police chase when they aren't chasing me any more?
0:51:29 > 0:51:30Target acquired...
0:51:30 > 0:51:32BEEPING
0:51:35 > 0:51:39Sir, you might want to put your fingers in your ears.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42I don't know where those two are or what they're plotting
0:51:42 > 0:51:45but it won't work.
0:51:45 > 0:51:47BEEPING
0:51:47 > 0:51:50This car is simply...
0:51:50 > 0:51:51invincib...
0:52:05 > 0:52:07Bigger than I was expecting, constable.
0:52:07 > 0:52:08Yes, sir, it was, sir.
0:52:13 > 0:52:18So, it turns out that velvet is impervious to magnets,
0:52:18 > 0:52:20but it IS pervious to dynamite.
0:52:22 > 0:52:26Nevertheless, I felt confident that James would not be able
0:52:26 > 0:52:31to beat my evasion time of 14 hours and 22 minutes.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34In...3, 2, 1...
0:52:34 > 0:52:36start the clock.
0:52:38 > 0:52:39SIRENS WAIL
0:52:39 > 0:52:43However, as he set off it became clear he'd come up
0:52:43 > 0:52:44with an unusual plan...
0:52:46 > 0:52:47What is he doing?
0:52:50 > 0:52:54Now, the thing is, viewers, whenever you watch Police Camera Action
0:52:54 > 0:52:57or see a real police chase, the person trying to get away is always
0:52:57 > 0:52:59going ludicrously fast, but, actually, what's the point?
0:52:59 > 0:53:02You'd just panic and have an accident
0:53:02 > 0:53:04and that's the end of that,
0:53:04 > 0:53:06but if you just do normal speed,
0:53:06 > 0:53:09they still can't get you out of the car, can they?
0:53:11 > 0:53:14Keen to prove him wrong,
0:53:14 > 0:53:17I initiated the TGPD anti-terrorism move.
0:53:17 > 0:53:19Here we go.
0:53:20 > 0:53:22Pushing, pushing.
0:53:25 > 0:53:26Got him.
0:53:32 > 0:53:34He's just driven off!
0:53:35 > 0:53:39'As the hours crawled by, we tried many things.'
0:53:39 > 0:53:41Stop him, Constable!
0:53:42 > 0:53:43How's that going to help?
0:53:43 > 0:53:45I've fallen off the bonnet!
0:53:45 > 0:53:48What are you going to do if the doors are locked?
0:53:48 > 0:53:49You can't pull a man out of a car.
0:53:54 > 0:53:55This is an arrest.
0:53:58 > 0:54:02'Happily, though, after many hours of tedious pursuit...'
0:54:02 > 0:54:06Weaving, weaving...
0:54:06 > 0:54:12- '..James finally made a mistake.' - Oh, crikey, this is a dead end.
0:54:12 > 0:54:16Yes, his sense of direction has let him down. A-ha!
0:54:16 > 0:54:17In we go, yes.
0:54:17 > 0:54:20- LOUD BANG - Bollocks!
0:54:20 > 0:54:22We've got him! We finally have him.
0:54:23 > 0:54:26We don't have him, he's closed my door.
0:54:30 > 0:54:31He's done it again.
0:54:31 > 0:54:36And now look. I've damaged a police car.
0:54:36 > 0:54:40'This meant I was now delayed with police paperwork.'
0:54:40 > 0:54:46"I were in pursuit of a pleb...
0:54:46 > 0:54:49"IC1, male.
0:54:49 > 0:54:56"He did crash into me at speed."
0:54:57 > 0:54:59I'm going to get that bastard!
0:55:05 > 0:55:10While Jeremy had been finessing his statement, I decided
0:55:10 > 0:55:16it was time to skewer May with the TGPD prongs of doom.
0:55:16 > 0:55:18SIREN BLARES
0:55:23 > 0:55:27It's a heavy, high-mobility engineer excavator,
0:55:27 > 0:55:29built by JCB for the military.
0:55:31 > 0:55:38It weighs 13.5 tonnes, but it's got a 6.7 litre straight-six turbo-diesel
0:55:38 > 0:55:40and it can do 63mph.
0:55:42 > 0:55:45James May, you've had it!
0:55:45 > 0:55:47Wherever you are.
0:55:49 > 0:55:55'James had vanished. But we had just the thing to find him again.'
0:55:56 > 0:56:03The time has come, I think, to deploy the Top Gear Police Department drone of intrusiveness.
0:56:05 > 0:56:13'With its military-spec nose-mounted reconnaissance camera, it would track down May in a heartbeat.'
0:56:13 > 0:56:14Here we go.
0:56:18 > 0:56:21The drone of intrusiveness has crashed.
0:56:24 > 0:56:29'Eventually I got the drone airborne and begun the hunt for OJ May.'
0:56:37 > 0:56:40Wait a minute.
0:56:40 > 0:56:43You sneaky little...
0:56:44 > 0:56:48James was hiding in an abandoned garage bay,
0:56:48 > 0:56:50but if he thought he was safe there,
0:56:50 > 0:56:53he had another think coming.
0:56:57 > 0:57:00Welcome, everyone, to the Top Gear Police Department
0:57:00 > 0:57:02eaty thing of devastation.
0:57:05 > 0:57:08This was designed primarily for mine clearance, but in the TGPD,
0:57:08 > 0:57:14we use it in a rather different way.
0:57:17 > 0:57:20There is Constable Hammond.
0:57:20 > 0:57:24The enemy, behind that wall, no idea what is coming.
0:57:29 > 0:57:31Engaging flails!
0:57:31 > 0:57:34Flails engaged!
0:57:36 > 0:57:40I'm not sure he should be operating that thing.
0:57:45 > 0:57:48DRILLING
0:57:52 > 0:57:53Yes, look at that!
0:58:14 > 0:58:16He's not where...
0:58:16 > 0:58:18What he isn't, sir, is there.
0:58:22 > 0:58:24Situation update: in three minutes' time,
0:58:24 > 0:58:29I will have beaten Jeremy's record on the run at a reasonable speed.
0:58:30 > 0:58:33But the TGPD toy box wasn't empty yet.
0:58:37 > 0:58:40Whoa! Ha-ha-ha!
0:58:46 > 0:58:49Hello, it looks like Constable Hammond
0:58:49 > 0:58:52has got the hang of tank driving.
0:58:52 > 0:58:55The first thing you need to know is, I have an erection!
0:58:58 > 0:59:00Coming at you, James May!
0:59:00 > 0:59:05Oh, no, the Top Gear Police Department tank of righteousness is right on my tail.
0:59:05 > 0:59:07What am I going to do?
0:59:07 > 0:59:09I know.
0:59:12 > 0:59:15Easy.
0:59:15 > 0:59:16Right!
0:59:20 > 0:59:21Oh, hang on a minute.
0:59:23 > 0:59:26He's stopped, he's given up!
0:59:26 > 0:59:27LOUD EXPLOSION
0:59:46 > 0:59:50And on that bombshell... back to the studio.
0:59:52 > 0:59:54APPLAUSE
0:59:58 > 1:00:04It's interesting, an important question was raised in that film.
1:00:04 > 1:00:08Because if you have a moustache, how do you concentrate
1:00:08 > 1:00:11on doing anything other than having a moustache?
1:00:11 > 1:00:14I know, I felt like I was the life-support machine for a moustache.
1:00:14 > 1:00:18If you're a bomb disposal man, and you have to defuse a bomb,
1:00:18 > 1:00:21you are thinking, "I have a moustache."
1:00:21 > 1:00:26- How did Nigel Mansell win a Formula One world championship?- I know!
1:00:26 > 1:00:28You don't have a moustache, sir,
1:00:28 > 1:00:31but let me show you what it's like to have one.
1:00:31 > 1:00:35- It's like that. What do you do for a living?- Transport manager.
1:00:35 > 1:00:38You couldn't be a transport manager if I was doing that to you.
1:00:38 > 1:00:40LAUGHTER
1:00:44 > 1:00:47Anyway, we must get on because I have received a text -
1:00:47 > 1:00:51the results of the car evasion challenge.
1:00:51 > 1:00:55Jeremy Clarkson, 14 hours 22 minutes. Richard Hammock...
1:00:55 > 1:00:57Autocorrect again?
1:00:57 > 1:00:59- Yes. Eight seconds.- Thank you.
1:00:59 > 1:01:03James May, 14 hours, 21 minutes.
1:01:03 > 1:01:06- Oh, blast!- There you are.
1:01:06 > 1:01:08Hang on, so the Fiesta won the supermarket sweep,
1:01:08 > 1:01:11the Golf won the police chase
1:01:11 > 1:01:13and the Nova won the hill climb.
1:01:13 > 1:01:16- That means that each of the cars is a winner.- Precisely.
1:01:16 > 1:01:19Which means that the older hot hatchback
1:01:19 > 1:01:21is better than the modern one.
1:01:21 > 1:01:26Which means we were right, and on that bombshell, it's time to end.
1:01:26 > 1:01:29Thank you very much for watching. Good night!
1:01:29 > 1:01:31APPLAUSE