0:00:11 > 0:00:14Tonight, I eat a cabbage,
0:00:14 > 0:00:16James throws a bird out of a car
0:00:16 > 0:00:19and Richard forgets the abbreviation for America.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21USB.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28CHEERING
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Hello, everybody! Good evening. Thank you so much.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Thank you, everybody. Now,
0:00:34 > 0:00:39I want to start by talking about Denmark because, you see,
0:00:39 > 0:00:43over the years, this tiny little country has contributed
0:00:43 > 0:00:47so much to the betterment of mankind.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50It's given us interesting furniture, stylish hi-fi,
0:00:50 > 0:00:55amusing children's toys and, of course, this.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Danish bacon, Danish butter, wrapped in bread,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01to create the only known cure
0:01:01 > 0:01:03for vegetarianism.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05LAUGHTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:10Denmark, however, has never made a car...until now.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Because Denmark has more windmills per head
0:01:14 > 0:01:16than any other country on Earth
0:01:16 > 0:01:20and because Copenhagen is a cyclist's paradise,
0:01:20 > 0:01:24you know exactly what sort of car it's going to be.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Yeah, well, it isn't.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42I was also expecting Hans Christian Andersen with windscreen wipers
0:01:42 > 0:01:46or The Little Mermaid with door handles, but no.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53What we've got instead is this.
0:01:55 > 0:02:00A 1,086 horsepower orange monster!
0:02:04 > 0:02:09It's called the Zenvo ST1 and it is extremely fast.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15It's got a 6.8 litre V8...
0:02:20 > 0:02:23..which is supercharged AND turbocharged.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29And that's like smearing a habanero chilli with wasabi
0:02:29 > 0:02:31and then garnishing it with dynamite.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37The net result is a speedometer that can't keep up.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42It's just a blur. 138, 150, 170-something...
0:02:44 > 0:02:47My God! No, no idea!
0:02:48 > 0:02:54Apparently, however, flat out, it will do 233mph.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05You know those Scandinavian crime dramas,
0:03:05 > 0:03:10lots of quietly thoughtful people in jumpers looking out of the window?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16This is nothing like that. Nothing at all.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20So, it is very definitely a supercar.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22And that's a problem
0:03:22 > 0:03:27because who's going to say, "No, I don't want a Ferrari
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"or a Lamborghini or a Pagani or a Bugatti
0:03:29 > 0:03:33"or a Porsche or an Audi R8 or a McLaren or an Aston Martin.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38"I would rather spend my money on something totally unproven,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"preferably from a company I've never heard of?"
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I mean, why would you do that?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51It's not like the engine is made from the tears of an angel
0:03:51 > 0:03:54by the gods of science and precision.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57What's more, it has conventional suspension
0:03:57 > 0:04:00and a heavy, steel chassis.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05However, because it's a bit last-week, you can
0:04:05 > 0:04:08have some old-fashioned fun in the corners.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Oh-ho-ho!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18'But you can also have an accident.'
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Part of the problem is that if you engage sport or race mode,
0:04:29 > 0:04:33the traction control is disengaged.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Now, this, according to the - oops - chief engineer,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39makes it pretty much undrivable.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54He's right.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56He is right.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09There were also some issues with quality.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12The lights filled with condensation,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15the rear brakes didn't seem to be working properly,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17then the clutch went.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20So the car had to go back to Denmark.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26After a couple of weeks, however, it was mended,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28so the Zenvo came back.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40But almost immediately...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42a cooling fan went wrong.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Fire, fire, fire!- Copy that.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48So the car became even more orange.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54And that was the end of that.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:06 > 0:06:08That didn't do very well.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- How much is this thing? - How much?- Mm.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- £800,000.- 800?!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER
0:06:15 > 0:06:19- Yes.- Are there any upsides to it? - Er, upsides, yes.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22The fire did get rid of the condensation in the lights.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Apart from the fire? - Apart from the fire...
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Yes, it's surprisingly comfortable and very quiet.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Well, it would be quiet. It was broken.
0:06:31 > 0:06:37Yes, but amazingly, they have mended it again and it's back again.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41And now we can find out how fast it does a lap of our track,
0:06:41 > 0:06:45or rather IF it can do a lap of our track.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50That, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Some say that this week he is wearing two layers of Nomex.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59SLOW-BUILDING LAUGHTER
0:07:01 > 0:07:04And that on a recent trip to Cornwall,
0:07:04 > 0:07:08he stopped off for one of his special big wees in Somerset.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09LAUGHTER
0:07:09 > 0:07:11All we know is he's called The Stig!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13CHEERING
0:07:13 > 0:07:15And he's off!
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Cautious start because it is soaking out there today.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Be beautiful, though, if it catches fire. Right, first corner.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Will it try to bite him? Nothing so far.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Oh, no, wait, there is a bit of a nibble at the end.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35DISCORDANT, DIRGE-LIKE SINGING ON STEREO
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Absolutely no idea what The Stig is listening to.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I do know, however, he is in full race mode. No traction control.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46He is being cautious, though.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Right, through the Hammerhead.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Oh, no, it's stepped out again, but he has managed to hold it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54God, that is very good driving!
0:07:56 > 0:08:00DISCORDANT, DIRGE-LIKE SINGING ON STEREO
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Right, is he going to lift?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Oh, yes, he is going to lift
0:08:04 > 0:08:08because that thing is as racy as the Danish Prime Minister.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Through the tyres.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Only two corners left.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16You can actually see it squirming on the lake where our track used to be.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Only Gambon left before he can have a lie down. Is he going to make it?
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Is IT going to make it?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Yes, it has!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25CHEERING
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Now...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I have the time here.
0:08:28 > 0:08:34Remember, it is an £800,000 1,000 horsepower car, so here we go.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37AUDIENCE: Ohhh...
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- No, it's a bit lower.- Really?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41AUDIENCE: Ohhh...
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Oh-ho!
0:08:42 > 0:08:47There you go, it's 1.29.9,
0:08:47 > 0:08:48slower than a Ford Focus.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER
0:08:50 > 0:08:53No, no, hang on a minute. I'm sorry. Hang on a minute.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Let's be fair about it. We need to look at another time for a wet lap.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- There you go. It's slower than a German saloon car.- It is!
0:09:01 > 0:09:07You know this is Danish and it's orange and it's genetically flawed?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I'm surprised they haven't called The Giraffe...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- LAUGHTER - ..and shot it.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:15He said that out loud, didn't he? He did.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16He said it out loud.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Never mind, let's move on with the news
0:09:18 > 0:09:21and, well, my big news this week, certainly,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23is I spent last weekend driving the new Porsche 980.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- Oh, you did!- It'll be on the show later in the series.- There it is.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Come on, quick, quick, now, sneak preview. What is it like?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Well, Jennifer...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33LAUGHTER
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Funny(!)
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Yeah, if you were watching last week, Jeremy did say on the show,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40on TV, that if the Porsche was faster than the McLaren,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- he would change his name to Jennifer. - Yes.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Didn't you, Jennifer?- Well, it won't be.- See, I think it might just be.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Honestly, it... It's staggering. Really.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52It doesn't accelerate like most other cars.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53You are not conscious of it
0:09:53 > 0:09:55gaining speed through the gear as the revs rise.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57It doesn't go, "Ohhh-aaahhh!"
0:09:57 > 0:10:01It just goes straight to, "Aaaaargh!"
0:10:01 > 0:10:02- But, Hammond...- What?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05..the McLaren has more power than the Porsche
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- and is lighter than the Porsche. - I know.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11But listen, Jennifer, the Porsche has four-wheel-drive
0:10:11 > 0:10:14and four-wheel steer and on our track...
0:10:14 > 0:10:15It will lose.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Listen, I'm sure the Luftwaffe were very proud
0:10:18 > 0:10:21and pleased with the Messerschmitt Me 109.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- That was a damn good aeroplane. - Yes, but it wasn't...
0:10:25 > 0:10:26It wasn't as good as the Spitfire!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29No, you could do negative G in the Messerschmitt 109.
0:10:29 > 0:10:35May, you are as bad as he is! That is going to be humiliated.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39We are going to win. When I say we, Britain is going to...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I'm all for patriotism, that's great,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44but you've just got to face facts. The thing is astonishing.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- It's about how it manages those three engines...- Shut up about it!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- LAUGHTER - I'm with you about the British thing,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53but I sort of hope the Porsche wins, JENNIFER.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:57The news has been filled with a lot of scenes
0:10:57 > 0:10:59of flood victims all waving their arms around
0:10:59 > 0:11:01and going, "Oh, no, what are we going to do?"
0:11:01 > 0:11:02End of the world really.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06I mean, it certainly makes me very sad because the answer,
0:11:06 > 0:11:07as we all know, is simple.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10You buy a Ford transit van, cut a big hole in the floor,
0:11:10 > 0:11:14take the back doors off, couple of engines in it, fans, skirts,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- put it in the water, it sinks. - That's true.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20You get another transit van, more powerful engines,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22totally redesigned. Here we go.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23LAUGHTER
0:11:23 > 0:11:26And it works perfectly. That IS the solution.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31We predicted these floods six months ago and came up with the solution.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33But what is really annoying is that everybody
0:11:33 > 0:11:37is blaming the floods on David Cameron, the Environment Agency,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39pretty much anything you can name...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Mm-mm, I know exactly who is to blame
0:11:41 > 0:11:44for this problem everybody is having.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Miranda Hart.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:49You laugh, but here's the thing.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52We are sitting here now on a Sunday evening.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Eight, nine million people in Britain have chosen to watch
0:11:56 > 0:11:58some 1950s midwifery on the other side,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00so they don't know about the hover-van.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02That is the problem.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05They have chosen Miranda over us and our show is
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- rammed full of helpful hints and useful consumer advice.- Every week!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11LAUGHTER
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Now, hey, listen, how long has the Gallardo been in production?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- 17,000 years? Just over?- Just over.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- I know there are cave drawings of it in the Pyrenees.- There are.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Well, Lamborghini has announced they are stopping making it
0:12:21 > 0:12:24and are going to replace it with this. It's called the Huracan.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28600 horsepower, 5.2 litre V10, four-wheel-drive.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29None of that is interesting
0:12:29 > 0:12:32because if you're interested in speed and power and handling,
0:12:32 > 0:12:36you're going to buy a Ferrari 458 or a McLaren 12C, aren't you?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39The only reason you want to buy a Lamborghini is because it looks mad.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42And that's very nice, but I don't think it's bonkers enough.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I know what you mean. It looks nice, but...
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Yeah, it needs to be outrageous. - It does.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Nobody should be allowed to design a Lamborghini
0:12:49 > 0:12:53unless they've just consumed two bottles of absinthe.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- LAUGHTER - Now you're ready!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56The essence of it is,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59it doesn't really matter how a Lamborghini drives
0:12:59 > 0:13:02because a Lamborghini is for prowling round the city.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Ferraris are for doing a 2.35 round Silverstone.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Lamborghinis are for doing Knightsbridge at 2.35am.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Yes, yes. LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- Shall we move it on?- Yes.- Yes.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Every week, we receive thousands of letters from people that say,
0:13:16 > 0:13:20"Dear Top so-called Gear, why do you never test the sort of
0:13:20 > 0:13:24"affordable cars that normal people are likely to buy and drive?"
0:13:24 > 0:13:29Well, the truth is, we would love to. But the producers won't let us.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32It's frustrating, because contrary to public opinion,
0:13:32 > 0:13:36we really do like small, sensible little cars.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I mean, he has a Fiat Panda. I have a Fiat 500.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Yeah, and I have a very small AMG Mercedes.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Very small indeed.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47We like the way that small cars are easy to park and cheap to run,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50but, most of all, we like the way that a lot of them
0:13:50 > 0:13:53are very good fun to drive.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56But the producers say they aren't, they say they're boring.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59And to prove their point, they came up with a challenge.
0:13:59 > 0:14:05Yes, they told us to choose three one-litre, three-cylinder,
0:14:05 > 0:14:10little city cars and report with them to the Crimean peninsula.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16So, here it is, at the bottom end of Ukraine,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19jutting out into the Black Sea.
0:14:21 > 0:14:27The Crimean peninsula, 10,000 square miles of history, beetroot
0:14:27 > 0:14:30and girls who leave the West behind.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35And this is where we were to meet, the city of Yalta.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Outside the very building where Churchill, Stalin
0:14:38 > 0:14:43and Roosevelt met to carve up Europe after Hitler's defeat.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Hammond was the first to arrive.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I have brought, as you can see, a Fiesta.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Which is a very, very good small car in any case,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57but in this instance, particularly good,
0:14:57 > 0:15:01because this one is fitted with an absolute jewel of an engine.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04It's a tiny, one-litre, three-cylinder EcoBoost,
0:15:04 > 0:15:08and when I say tiny, I mean REALLY tiny.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12The block of that engine would fit on an A4 piece of paper.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14And it's magnificent. Right, who's that?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Oh, it's the orang-utan. Here we go.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Congratulations.- What, why?
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Because that is unquestionably the best one-litre little car
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- of them all. No doubt about it. The engine in this...- Yeah.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- It is phenomenal. 125 horsepower, from one litre.- I know!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39And 65 miles to the gallon. Honestly...
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Why are you saying these things, and why, then, are you not in one?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Why are you in that VW?- It's the Up!
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- Well, I brought this because I like it.- Hang on, you've just...
0:15:50 > 0:15:55No, I like it. This is brilliant. But I like this.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Let me put it to you this way.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00You can buy better dogs than my West Highland terrier,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02but I LIKE my West Highland terrier.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Yes, it bites the postman and it lays dog eggs all over
0:16:06 > 0:16:10the kitchen and it steals food, but it's brilliant! And it goes...
0:16:10 > 0:16:11If this had ears, it would go like that...
0:16:11 > 0:16:15'Sadly, at this point, my dog impersonation was
0:16:15 > 0:16:19'interrupted by the arrival of Captain Interesting.'
0:16:19 > 0:16:23That's the most boring looking car I've... What is it? I'm nodding off!
0:16:23 > 0:16:30- Good news!- What?- It's a Dacia Sandero.- Is it?- Yes.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Anyway, we were just saying before you got here,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34this is just an epic little car.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39- It's quite expensive, though, isn't it? How much is it?- 17,500.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- £17,500?- Yup. - And how much is yours?- 7,500.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- That's a big price gulf, Hammond.- It is...
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I can afford to lose this and just go and buy another one,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- and I'm still better off than you. - Look at it! It's...- It looks great.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56It's anti-fashion, it's a car for people with more sense than money.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- It works, it's cheap.- Wow, how have they done it so cheaply(?)
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- You can't work it out, can you? There is no obvious... - It's amazing(!)
0:17:03 > 0:17:05That steering wheel, what a quality item(!)
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- That's exactly the same as yours!- It isn't the same!- It's the same SHAPE.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12And correct me if I'm wrong, it was a Renault Clio 30 years ago.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Not 30 years ago.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19It's BASED on the underpinnings and mechanicals of the old Renault Clio.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- An old car.- Basically, I've brought an iPod to a gramophone convention.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Utter rubbish!- Look at it!
0:17:25 > 0:17:30'Our argument was then interrupted by the arrival of a challenge.'
0:17:30 > 0:17:34They still don't believe that we like small cars. But we do!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- I love my Fiesta.- Right.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40"Between Yalta and Sevastopol, there is an excellent coast road,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43"which you would enjoy very much in a normal car.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46"But you will not be able to enjoy it
0:17:46 > 0:17:49"in your miserable little shopping carts"?!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Hello!
0:18:02 > 0:18:06You can't get away from the fact the Fiesta, in any guise,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08is a brilliant little car.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10The chassis is so sorted out!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17I've driven the ST version, the hot one, and it is simply superb.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22What's incredible is that they haven't lost any of that liveliness,
0:18:22 > 0:18:27that excitement, that thrill, by fitting it with a tiny, tiny engine.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33It's like driving a cartoon!
0:18:36 > 0:18:37BRAKES SQUEAL
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Squealing!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Bit of turbo boost, bit of traction control wise.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47That means I'm having fun and I'm on the ragged edge.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Hee-hee!
0:18:52 > 0:18:58Unlike the Ford and the Dacia, the Up! doesn't have a turbocharger.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02But even so, it still feels like a determined spur.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08I'm going to get there first! Yes, I am, get out of my way!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Woo-ha-ha!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12And stick it into the bend...
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I mean, if I were in even a Ferrari on this road, I'd be thinking,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19"Oh, no, I'm going to scrape my nose!
0:19:19 > 0:19:23"How much power do I need here, and how much braking?" And I don't
0:19:23 > 0:19:29have to worry about any of that, because the Up! has no power at all.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34You just put your foot hard down and leave it there!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Much to the annoyance of the producers,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42we have loved our drive on the wiggly road.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47But we loved what we found at the other end of it even more.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53A disused Soviet submarine base.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03Now, ordinarily, we would have to park in the car park there.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07But because our cars are so little, we won't.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16This is remarkable.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19James Bond could not have got in here!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Because of course, his Aston Martin is too large.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Good God!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Look at that!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37In the event of a nuclear war,
0:20:37 > 0:20:42they could get 14 submarines in here, and 3,000 people.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47It's under a mountain!
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Yeah, it is your actual under-a-mountain submarine base.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52It's full-on Bond.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02How much energy and effort was expended by MI6
0:21:02 > 0:21:07and the CIA trying to find out the details of this place?
0:21:07 > 0:21:11And here I am, driving through it!
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Sadly, we spent so long driving around the sub pen...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24..that night was falling by the time we reached
0:21:24 > 0:21:27the busy city of Sevastopol.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33And here, the Up!'s lack of oomph was a bit of an issue.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Oh, I'm being squeezed!
0:21:37 > 0:21:43I've lost it. Being strashed by a Lada 2107!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48However, because the VW is smaller than the Ford
0:21:48 > 0:21:53and the Dacia, I didn't have to park miles and miles from the hotel.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00- Is that legal?- No. - Where does it say "no parking"?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03But it doesn't say "no parking" in a lot of places where it's
0:22:03 > 0:22:05obviously not quite right to park.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07To be fair, it doesn't say "no murdering" either.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16The next morning, we continued our journey through
0:22:16 > 0:22:21a region where the hills were once soaked with British blood.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25The Crimean War may have been unfathomable,
0:22:25 > 0:22:30nobody really knew why it started, but the legacy is enormous.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34It gave us important words like balaclava and cardigan.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37It gave us Florence Nightingale,
0:22:37 > 0:22:41the world's first war photographer, the world's first war reporter.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45The Victoria Cross was first awarded to soldiers who fought here.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48And even today, the medal is made from metal
0:22:48 > 0:22:51taken from a Russian gun that was captured here.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Then, of course, there's the best-known legacy of them all.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07How's it go?
0:23:07 > 0:23:12"Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why,
0:23:12 > 0:23:13"Theirs but to do and die."
0:23:14 > 0:23:19- "Into the valley of death rode the 600."- And that is the valley.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22That is where the Charge of the Light Brigade actually happened.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24It was a misunderstood order.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Yeah, they were supposed to go up there somewhere.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30They were supposed to snout around in the hills, looking for the Russians,
0:23:30 > 0:23:34misunderstood it, came charging over here armed with sabres, against the entire Russian
0:23:34 > 0:23:40artillery here, all of it was there, pointing straight at them.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41And they were on horses with sabres.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45How could that possibly end?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Oh, God!
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- Choose your moments! - Exactly. Exactly.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09"Ukraine is the second largest country in Europe, and now you will
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"drive all the way across it,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"from here in the far south to the Belarus border in the north.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"It will be worse than those long journeys you did
0:24:17 > 0:24:20"as a kid in the back of a family car to the seaside.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24"It will be the journey from hell."
0:24:24 > 0:24:26How can it be worse than those journeys? I was a kid then!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I was in the back of a Mark I Cortina.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I was in the back of an Austin 1100.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- Anglia, with a hole in the floor! - How far is it?- It doesn't...
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- How far is it?- It's 750 miles.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43- 750 miles? What, in a Volkswagen Up!?- That's easy.- Piece of ca...
0:24:43 > 0:24:46In these three cars - light cars -
0:24:46 > 0:24:49we shall be the modern-day Charge of the Light Brigade.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Very good.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Still feeling slightly baffled, we set off.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Well, I think the producers have gone a bit soft, to be honest.
0:25:01 > 0:25:08It's just not in any way difficult, challenging... It's just...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09It's easy!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17APPLAUSE
0:25:18 > 0:25:20750 miles!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26It turned out not to be easy at all.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Yes, in the second part of that film,
0:25:28 > 0:25:32which we'll show you later on, I was actually killed.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Yeah, he really was.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35So, that's something for us all to look forward to.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Yes, thank you, Hammond.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41But in the meantime, we must put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Now, my guest tonight is the only British musician who can
0:25:45 > 0:25:49drive a tank, fire a mortar and strip an assault rifle.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Apart from Posh Spice, obviously.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- How you doing, big man? - How are you?- I'm well.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06- Hi there. How are you doing? Hi. Hello.- He's here. Have a seat.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- All right.- Many whistlings!
0:26:09 > 0:26:13First of all, congratulations on your forthcoming marriage.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- I'm getting married?- BLEEP!
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- You're getting married to the girl standing behind you.- Fantastic.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Just in case you'd forgotten. No, there she is, look.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER What's your name? Aah!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- That's the ticket.- OK, great. - So, when are you getting married?
0:26:32 > 0:26:33September.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I'm just thinking, I know there's lots of girls here and they'll
0:26:36 > 0:26:39want me to ask lots of questions about it, but I can't think of any.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- Shall we talk about the Army? - Let's talk about the Army.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45The Army's better. We've got to do the Army, it's easier.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48We know you were in the Army, of course, that is well documented.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51But I think what a lot of people don't know is that you actually,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53single-handedly, when you were in Kosovo,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55stopped World War III from happening.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- I'm glad you brought this up.- Yeah. - Because it's time the nation knew.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Actually, it was genuinely the most incredible day of my life.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Other than my forthcoming marriage.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10And, er... It was...
0:27:10 > 0:27:13You know, having bombed the crap out of the Serbs,
0:27:13 > 0:27:15we signed a peace accord and we pushed up to Pristina,
0:27:15 > 0:27:19the capital, and I was remarkably put as truly the first officer
0:27:19 > 0:27:21to lead 30,000 people up there,
0:27:21 > 0:27:26and when we got to the airport in Pristina, General Wesley Clark
0:27:26 > 0:27:27told us to just overrun
0:27:27 > 0:27:32and overpower the 200 Russians who had beaten us to the airport.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33The American general?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Yeah, and we asked several times - that one thing means destroy them?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Which seemed a pretty stupid thing to do.- He said destroy...
0:27:39 > 0:27:43He said overrun and overpower, definitely using some political manoeuvring in his wording.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46And after, you know, five minutes of arguing,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48a very special man called General Mike Jackson,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51an incredible character who I would follow anywhere,
0:27:51 > 0:27:52came up on the radio and said,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55"This is ridiculous, I'm not having my soldiers being
0:27:55 > 0:27:57"responsible for starting World War III,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59"let's push off somewhere else."
0:27:59 > 0:28:01And when the Russians had run out of food and water,
0:28:01 > 0:28:06they came back and asked us for food and water and we said, "Sure, if you share the airport."
0:28:06 > 0:28:12That was an order from an American to a British captain to...
0:28:12 > 0:28:16- And he later then ran for president in America.- I know!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Let's move on to music. We've covered the army.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21You saved the world from World War III, which is good.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Your new album is called Moon Landing.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Moon Landing, which I only discovered after the event
0:28:27 > 0:28:29that "moon landing" is actually in the Urban Dictionary
0:28:29 > 0:28:32as a term in the gym when two men are changing and they bend over
0:28:32 > 0:28:37and their bottoms touch accidentally. So, yeah...
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- There's a single called Heart To Heart, isn't there?- Yes.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Now, forgive me for saying this, my daughter,
0:28:43 > 0:28:46she said to me a couple of days ago, "I was going to tweet James
0:28:46 > 0:28:49"to say how much I love that song," but she said, "I was so worried
0:28:49 > 0:28:54"that his tweet reply would rip me apart that I haven't dared do it."
0:28:54 > 0:28:56I wouldn't abuse her, if she's nice.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58What have you just won on Twitter?
0:28:58 > 0:29:01- It's something, the best twitterer...- Best Comebacks.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05The Best Comebacks, from the chap over there with windswept hair.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08I've actually got a few of your ones here.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Don't they take a long time to think of?
0:29:11 > 0:29:14I would say I'm spontaneous with it, but I might be lying.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17Somebody said here, "Why have you only got 200,000 followers?"
0:29:17 > 0:29:20And you replied, "Jesus only needed 12."
0:29:20 > 0:29:23APPLAUSE
0:29:23 > 0:29:27You've got to admit... they are properly very funny.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31"James Blunt has an annoying face and a highly irritating voice."
0:29:31 > 0:29:33You went, "Yes, and no mortgage."
0:29:35 > 0:29:38- Do you mind if I show them my absolute favourite?- Go for it.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41The rather sarky, "Whatever happened to James Blunt?"
0:29:41 > 0:29:43And this was the picture you posted.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49What I love about you is the way that somebody is abusive to you
0:29:49 > 0:29:53and you just take it on the chin and are fine. I sob uncontrollably.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56I mean, people take Twitter far too seriously.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58It's just, there's a real world out there,
0:29:58 > 0:30:00and people seem to think that Twitter is important.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03It's just people's opinions, and opinions are like arseholes.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08- Everyone has one.- Yeah.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11Cars. When you were last here, I think
0:30:11 > 0:30:15the only car you'd ever driven at the time was a Lada.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19Yeah, I was really embarrassed about that, and I've tried to upgrade.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21I had a Lada Riva 1.3SL, for "slow".
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Because now, obviously, things have moved on dramatically.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25You've got a tuk-tuk.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27I have a tuk-tuk from Bangkok, which is awesome, three-wheeled
0:30:27 > 0:30:31vehicle, does 70mph, and I drive it around home in Ibiza.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33It does 70?
0:30:33 > 0:30:3670mph, and if you get all your mates in the back,
0:30:36 > 0:30:38you can wheelie as well, at 70mph.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41Actually, my best friend is a chap called Nin, he's Indian,
0:30:41 > 0:30:43and he insists on driving to make it look more authentic.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46LAUGHTER
0:30:46 > 0:30:47Yeah.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50- When you're in London, I gather you've now got a bicycle.- Yeah.
0:30:50 > 0:30:55- Why do you have a bicycle? - It's much, much faster and it's good exercise.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58You can lose a paunch with a bicycle.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01I've got a bicycle, and look what it's done to me. Literally.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03You're not supposed to eat it.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Yeah...
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Anyway, the lap, how was it out there today?
0:31:12 > 0:31:17I think as I was driving down today, they said today was the first
0:31:17 > 0:31:20day of the year the Met Office has issued a red weather warning -
0:31:20 > 0:31:23do not leave home unless you specifically have to,
0:31:23 > 0:31:24and I've been doing laps.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27The thing is, as you know, everybody who comes down here
0:31:27 > 0:31:30goes off at the second to last corner, that's a given, really,
0:31:30 > 0:31:34but I heard that James went off on the Follow Through.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37And I followed through at the time as well!
0:31:37 > 0:31:39That's why it's called the Follow Through,
0:31:39 > 0:31:41because that's a 100mph corner,
0:31:41 > 0:31:44and you have that building in front of you, and if things start to
0:31:44 > 0:31:48go wrong through there, it's actually a slightly buttock-clenching...
0:31:48 > 0:31:51- Very much. And some of your camera crew are lucky to be alive.- Yeah.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54Would anybody like to see this moment when one of our guests
0:31:54 > 0:31:57- actually went off on the Follow Through?- AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00Let's have a look at this. Here we go.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02That is absolutely soaking.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06That's properly fast, and you keep your foot in it until, look at this!
0:32:08 > 0:32:11What I love about that is you did not apply the brakes
0:32:11 > 0:32:14until you were an inch from the edge of the track.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Everyone says you're not allowed to lift off and so I tried not to.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20We're talking big cojones there.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23It's actually because I couldn't see through the windscreen.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25I didn't know I was coming off.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29It started to get bumpy and green - "This has definitely gone wrong."
0:32:29 > 0:32:33- Anyway, eventually, we did get a lap together. - Yeah.- Who'd like to see it?
0:32:33 > 0:32:35- Yeah!- Here we go.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40See, I think this is the Blitz spirit.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43- Come on, then!- BLEEP!
0:32:45 > 0:32:47- It's like a- BLEEP- lake out here.
0:32:47 > 0:32:51Yeah, nobody's complaining about the Environment Agency,
0:32:51 > 0:32:54you're going in there, "Why don't you come and clear it up?"
0:32:55 > 0:32:57That is so wet!
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Stayed on the track nicely.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02It's like ice skating.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Not that I ice skate very often.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08You really should have borrowed Richard Hammond's booster cushion.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13I needed Moses to part the sea. There's a private jet over there.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18- That could get me home! - Ibiza, right.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20Hammerhead, probably couldn't even see the lines,
0:33:20 > 0:33:21so that's pretty impressive.
0:33:24 > 0:33:29- Here we go, right, coming up to the Follow Through again.- So slow.
0:33:29 > 0:33:34- Up to 6,000. And again, I can't see a- BLEEP- thing.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40This is, I really admire you for doing this.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44A touch of the brakes, and I can't say I blame you. Through the tyres.
0:33:44 > 0:33:49No whingeing, no complaining. And, yeah, going to make that one.
0:33:49 > 0:33:54- Not bad at all, actually. - And it's blowing a gale.
0:33:54 > 0:33:59Whoa! It's the Jimmy Carr line! There we are. Across the line.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06That is really, properly... I've never seen it like that.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Yeah, it was fascinating, because last time
0:34:08 > 0:34:11I came down it was wet as well, and basically, whenever you have me on,
0:34:11 > 0:34:15unsurprisingly, it is the wettest, James Blunt is the wettest lap.
0:34:17 > 0:34:22We have had two previous wet laps in the last couple of weeks.
0:34:22 > 0:34:28Hugh Bonneville at 1.50.1, Tom Hiddleston last week at 1.49.9,
0:34:28 > 0:34:32so bearing in mind, he was very wet, but nothing like...
0:34:32 > 0:34:35- Not nearly as wet as me.- So come on, where do you think you come?
0:34:35 > 0:34:38I really hope I haven't humiliated myself too much.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41No, you haven't humiliated yourself,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44because you went out there, which is brave enough, and you drove around
0:34:44 > 0:34:46in it, which is very marvellous, and you looked determined.
0:34:46 > 0:34:50Like one of those schools where everyone's a winner.
0:34:50 > 0:34:54So there we are, fastest lap so far, 1.49.9. You did...
0:34:54 > 0:34:561...
0:34:56 > 0:35:0049...
0:35:00 > 0:35:024.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:35:04 > 0:35:10I have to say... That is the fastest wet lap. You are above Ron Howard.
0:35:10 > 0:35:14And just under Joss Stone. I'm always under some... Anyway.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19- Feel the eyes in the back of my head. - Yes. I can see them.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25You're between Joss Stone and Ron Howard. That's a very odd place to be.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28- That was quite something. It really was.- Thank you.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt!
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Thank you.
0:35:38 > 0:35:43Now, tonight we are trying to prove that we really do like small cars,
0:35:43 > 0:35:47and our producers are trying to prove that they're rubbish.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Yes, so, they told us to drive our three one-litre hatchbacks
0:35:51 > 0:35:53all the way across Ukraine,
0:35:53 > 0:35:57a trip they said would be the journey from hell.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09Why do they think this is going to be the journey from hell?
0:36:09 > 0:36:11Driving across the Ukraine.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14We've only been here 24 hours, we've been through the Cold War,
0:36:14 > 0:36:18the Second World War, the Crimean War. It's going to be tremendous.
0:36:18 > 0:36:19And I'm in my Up!
0:36:23 > 0:36:25In the not too distant past, little cars like ours
0:36:25 > 0:36:30were very spartan, but these days, if you choose your car wisely,
0:36:30 > 0:36:33you get loads of stuff to play with.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Right, Hammond, have you got your air conditioning set just so?
0:36:37 > 0:36:40I have, yes, I've set it just half a degree lower
0:36:40 > 0:36:42than would be too comfortable.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44This heated seat, I think, just to the first position.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46USB.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49- AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: - 'USB iPod.'
0:36:49 > 0:36:53Bluetoothed my iPod into the stereo system.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55Heated windscreen, let me try that.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Cruise control. Haven't done that.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08Yep, a mirror on that side.
0:37:11 > 0:37:16Eventually, though, even Hammond and I ran out of things to play with,
0:37:16 > 0:37:19so we turned our attention to the Ukrainian scenery.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44A hill or two wouldn't go amiss.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Right, I admit it, this is boring.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30Do you think we're halfway there yet?
0:38:31 > 0:38:33We needed to find out.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37So, as we couldn't understand the writing on our sat-nav systems,
0:38:37 > 0:38:40we pulled over to consult a map.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42We came from down here, yes?
0:38:42 > 0:38:45And we've got to go all the way there.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48We've just gone through a town called Pravda.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50We can't be further back than that.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53- Maybe it's in... - Can't be there. We've done that.
0:38:57 > 0:39:04- Oh, Christ, oh no! It's there.- Don't be daft!- It is! We're only here!
0:39:04 > 0:39:07- We've only done that.- We've only driven over the Isle of Wight.
0:39:08 > 0:39:13- We've got to come here?- How come... We've only got there?!
0:39:14 > 0:39:18- And that's good news.- Is it?- How is that good news?- It's good news.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20- Really?- Yes.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Instead of just sitting and, "I'm bored,"
0:39:22 > 0:39:26why don't we make ourselves more rounded human beings on the journey?
0:39:26 > 0:39:30So while we're in the car we learn to do some thing?
0:39:30 > 0:39:34Exactly! We could sit there going, "I'm bored, I'm bored, I wish I wasn't doing this,"
0:39:34 > 0:39:40or we can simply say, "No, we shall use this time constructively."
0:39:40 > 0:39:44We will arrive in Belarus more intelligent
0:39:44 > 0:39:46and more rounded than we are now.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51Back on the road, the self-improvement began.
0:39:51 > 0:39:56'Hello and welcome to Teach Yourself Ukrainian. Unit one.
0:39:56 > 0:39:57'Hello, what's your name?'
0:39:57 > 0:39:59"You will learn to play blues harp quickly
0:39:59 > 0:40:03"and easily by just listening to the CD." Ooh, I've got a CD!
0:40:03 > 0:40:04"And following the book."
0:40:05 > 0:40:09Viewers, you will notice I'm wearing my magic hat
0:40:09 > 0:40:11and that there is a playing card in it.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15'Karus again invites Stephen to his home to discuss
0:40:15 > 0:40:16'some business questions.'
0:40:16 > 0:40:20MAN SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN AND JEREMY REPEATS
0:40:22 > 0:40:25So that goes in there.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28BLUES HARMONICA PLAYS
0:40:30 > 0:40:31Well...
0:40:33 > 0:40:37In the mobile language lab, things were going well.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41- JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN - Underwear.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45And soon I felt confident enough to get us
0:40:45 > 0:40:48something to eat at a roadside cafe.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55FLIES BUZZ
0:40:56 > 0:40:59JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN
0:41:03 > 0:41:06- What are you saying?- I'm trying to find some food that isn't fish.
0:41:06 > 0:41:07Oh, thank you.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN
0:41:17 > 0:41:20You seem to have ordered some wood.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Jeremy then asked for some apples.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30Well, we've eaten. Shall we go?
0:41:36 > 0:41:40The next morning, after breakfast had been cleared away..
0:41:40 > 0:41:42What?!
0:41:42 > 0:41:46..I used my new Ukrainian skills to check the sat-nav.
0:41:47 > 0:41:53Oh, Jesus. To get to Kiev, 13 hours and 49 minutes.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56HE GROANS
0:41:58 > 0:42:03We were in a state of despair, but then, out of the fog loomed a man.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05And behind him, this.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10An abandoned nuclear missile base.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18- This is the silo, is it? - That's a silo.- It's ever so big.
0:42:18 > 0:42:25Hammond, this is an SS18, nicknamed the Satan, targeted Ross-on-Wye.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28- Was it?- That's what that says. - Hang on a minute, though.
0:42:28 > 0:42:32It says "alternative target Chipsky Norton" there.
0:42:32 > 0:42:33LIGHTER CLICKS
0:42:33 > 0:42:37I think it must be damp!
0:42:37 > 0:42:39THEY LAUGH
0:42:43 > 0:42:47Many people complain about having to do a long drive, but on this one,
0:42:47 > 0:42:52we really had hit on a brilliant way of making the time fly by.
0:42:52 > 0:42:56HE PLAYS A FEW MOURNFUL NOTES
0:42:59 > 0:43:02Ha-ha! Viewers, my hands empty,
0:43:02 > 0:43:07nothing at all in them. Now, can I...
0:43:07 > 0:43:11HE HUMS
0:43:13 > 0:43:17MAN SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN AND JEREMY REPEATS
0:43:17 > 0:43:22- 'Unit three. Stephen, do you have a family?'- There's Stephen again.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25Everybody's called Stephen here, that's the one thing I have learned.
0:43:25 > 0:43:29Oh, God. My doves have escaped.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34- My doves have got out.- What doves?
0:43:34 > 0:43:38- What do you mean, got out? - My doves from my magic box.
0:43:38 > 0:43:42They're all over the back. They've crapped everywhere.
0:43:42 > 0:43:46Upset by the mess, OCD May ejected the culprit.
0:43:46 > 0:43:49HORN HONKS LOUDLY
0:43:49 > 0:43:53- Oh, my God, there's a lorry... - That is an ex-dove.
0:43:53 > 0:43:58Yeah, now, you see, the truck that hit your dove, James,
0:43:58 > 0:44:02- how good are you at magic? - Seriously, did it not fly away?
0:44:02 > 0:44:05You're not going to do children's parties, are you,
0:44:05 > 0:44:08because you're going to have to change your act if you are.
0:44:08 > 0:44:10"So, Sally, is this the family parrot?
0:44:10 > 0:44:11"Just watch what happens
0:44:11 > 0:44:14"when I throw it out of the window of a moving vehicle."
0:44:18 > 0:44:22Putting this tragic incident behind us
0:44:22 > 0:44:28we ploughed on, and by nightfall had reached Ukraine's capital, Kiev.
0:44:31 > 0:44:33Jeremy checked us into the hotel.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN
0:44:36 > 0:44:38Yeah.
0:44:38 > 0:44:41Did you just say yes to stop him talking?
0:44:41 > 0:44:44And in the bar, James did another trick that went wrong.
0:44:44 > 0:44:47Ta-da!
0:44:47 > 0:44:50- I'm afraid not.- You can't change your mind about the card you chose.
0:44:50 > 0:44:53- That was the card you chose. - You can't tell me what card I chose.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56But I know you chose that because I read your mind.
0:44:56 > 0:44:59Magicians are supposed to exercise a degree of finesse, not just bullying.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02- No, it's still not. - It is! That's what you chose!
0:45:05 > 0:45:06The following morning,
0:45:06 > 0:45:09we were told to report to the country's only racetrack...
0:45:12 > 0:45:16..for what, chillingly, was called the final challenge.
0:45:17 > 0:45:21"Your cars will each be given exactly 23 litres of fuel,
0:45:21 > 0:45:24"which, because they're so economical,
0:45:24 > 0:45:27"should easily be enough for them to cover the 100 or so miles
0:45:27 > 0:45:31"to your destination, a town near the border with Belarus."
0:45:31 > 0:45:35- Hang on, 23 litres?- To do 100 miles? - That's not really a challenge, is it?
0:45:35 > 0:45:40- That's easy!- "Your challenge is to run out before you get there."- Eh?
0:45:40 > 0:45:43"This is something you will want to do,
0:45:43 > 0:45:45"as the town in question is called...
0:45:47 > 0:45:48"..Chernobyl."
0:45:54 > 0:45:56Can we actually... We can't go there, can we?
0:46:00 > 0:46:05Chernobyl was the scene of the world's worst nuclear accident.
0:46:05 > 0:46:08When reactor number four exploded in 1986,
0:46:08 > 0:46:13it released a radioactive cloud so devastating that the entire area
0:46:13 > 0:46:17will remain uninhabitable for 20,000 years.
0:46:19 > 0:46:23And unless we could make our cars do less than 20 miles to the gallon,
0:46:23 > 0:46:26this is where we'd end up.
0:46:28 > 0:46:31Ford claim mine does 65mpg.
0:46:31 > 0:46:35All the way here, this has done 60 miles to the gallon, give or take.
0:46:35 > 0:46:39- Yes.- How would you make these cars do 20 miles to the gallon?
0:46:39 > 0:46:41I can't imagine getting it under 30.
0:46:42 > 0:46:46After the producers had put precisely 23 litres of fuel
0:46:46 > 0:46:50in each tank, we did some preparations of our own.
0:46:51 > 0:46:52Right.
0:46:55 > 0:46:57Clever, this.
0:46:57 > 0:47:01What I'm going to do is let about 30% of the pressure out of the tyres.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04The point is, it increases rolling resistance,
0:47:04 > 0:47:07which means I use more fuel.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16That is one heavy Up!
0:47:16 > 0:47:18What are you doing?
0:47:18 > 0:47:21I'm sealing all the gaps so that radioactive dust can't get in.
0:47:21 > 0:47:24What you've done there, Hammond, is made it more aerodynamic.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29- I have, haven't I?- You have. Goodbye.
0:47:30 > 0:47:34To get through this much petrol in less than 100 miles,
0:47:34 > 0:47:37we would have to drive like maniacs.
0:47:37 > 0:47:40Three, two, one.
0:47:45 > 0:47:49ENGINES REV FURIOUSLY
0:47:49 > 0:47:51Come on! Build up the revs!
0:47:54 > 0:47:58Second gear. Right to the limiter. God, that's wasteful.
0:48:00 > 0:48:06James and I decided to go for a low-gear policy of maximum revs.
0:48:06 > 0:48:08Hammond, on the other hand...
0:48:09 > 0:48:15If I keep doing this all the way there, I'll go further.
0:48:15 > 0:48:20It will be twice the distance. This is the answer. Lock to lock. Ooh!
0:48:20 > 0:48:22TRUCK HORN BEEPS
0:48:22 > 0:48:24That's where I'm going to have to be careful,
0:48:24 > 0:48:27when there's traffic coming the other way.
0:48:29 > 0:48:30I've just realised!
0:48:32 > 0:48:34I'm driving without the lights on.
0:48:34 > 0:48:36I'm driving with the eco-engine system...
0:48:36 > 0:48:39Heated rear window, I want that on. Heated seats, yes.
0:48:39 > 0:48:40That's better.
0:48:45 > 0:48:47Probably people think this is a bit odd,
0:48:47 > 0:48:50but if they knew why I was doing it, they would understand.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58I can't believe they're making us do this,
0:48:58 > 0:49:02because it's not like the radioactivity has gone. It hasn't.
0:49:02 > 0:49:08It has a half-life, material that's left, of 245,000 years.
0:49:08 > 0:49:12And James May, obviously, can explain what a half-life is.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14In fact, he probably is doing.
0:49:15 > 0:49:19A half-life is actually constant. A piece of uranium
0:49:19 > 0:49:22will have a half-life and when that half-life is passed,
0:49:22 > 0:49:26the remaining bit still has the same half-life.
0:49:26 > 0:49:30I think the word was coined by Marie Curie.
0:49:30 > 0:49:31The early 20th century was the time
0:49:31 > 0:49:34when radioactivity was identified, discovered...
0:49:38 > 0:49:41After 25 miles of red-line motoring,
0:49:41 > 0:49:44the news from the Up! still wasn't good.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49I've managed to average 23 miles to the gallon.
0:49:50 > 0:49:54I've got to get that down. How do I get that down?
0:49:58 > 0:50:03Right, the drag is now dramatically worsened.
0:50:03 > 0:50:05Meanwhile...
0:50:08 > 0:50:11I am feeling a bit sick now, if I'm honest.
0:50:15 > 0:50:18Oh, is that a police car? Oh, dear.
0:50:23 > 0:50:26There's the horrible evidence.
0:50:26 > 0:50:30At a quarter distance, 25.5 miles,
0:50:30 > 0:50:33I should have lost one of those four bars that I started with.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35But it's not happening.
0:50:35 > 0:50:39Come on, petrol! Sod off.
0:50:43 > 0:50:46OK, we've been pulled by the police.
0:50:46 > 0:50:49They were wondering why I was zigzagging.
0:50:49 > 0:50:52They're talking to the camera car in front.
0:50:52 > 0:50:56Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at max RPM to try and use some fuel
0:50:56 > 0:50:57while I'm stationary.
0:51:02 > 0:51:04Whilst Hammond was deafening the police,
0:51:04 > 0:51:08I pulled over to disable my engine management system.
0:51:09 > 0:51:12How about that!
0:51:12 > 0:51:15Engine warning light. Yes. That's what we want.
0:51:15 > 0:51:18What the engine has to do now is assume a sort of worst-case scenario,
0:51:18 > 0:51:21because it doesn't know anything about itself,
0:51:21 > 0:51:24so it will assume it's very cold, the fuel quality is bad,
0:51:24 > 0:51:26so it must be less efficient.
0:51:33 > 0:51:3730 miles from Chernobyl, all our cars were still running,
0:51:37 > 0:51:41and we were trying every trick in the book to make them conk out.
0:51:43 > 0:51:45Look at that for drag now!
0:51:48 > 0:51:52Brake. Then accelerate.
0:51:52 > 0:51:55Then brake. Accelerate.
0:51:57 > 0:51:59Still got three bars! Come on!
0:52:03 > 0:52:09There it is! 17.8mpg. My fuel light has come on! Oh, yeah.
0:52:11 > 0:52:16I'm doing 21 miles to the gallon. I'm not doing well enough!
0:52:19 > 0:52:23Everything's on empty. The needle, on empty.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25Come on, run out. Run out.
0:52:26 > 0:52:31It's one degree out there. Nipples are sticking out badly.
0:52:32 > 0:52:35Ah! I believe this is Richard Hammond.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39This thing should not be moving.
0:52:41 > 0:52:48- I'm going! I'm going! I am going! - Don't tell me you've run out.- Yes!
0:52:48 > 0:52:53Yes! Ha-ha! Oh, bliss! It's gone!
0:52:56 > 0:52:59- I don't believe you.- It...
0:52:59 > 0:53:02ENGINE SHUDDERS
0:53:02 > 0:53:05I don't believe you. Sit rep.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08- Richard Hammond is a- BLEEP.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10Go on. Go and meet your fate.
0:53:17 > 0:53:21The un-turbo-charged Up! continued onwards. And then...
0:53:22 > 0:53:26Oh, wait a minute. What do we have here? Some kind of checkpoint.
0:53:28 > 0:53:32The barrier marked the start of the 30km exclusion zone,
0:53:32 > 0:53:37and now I'd have to go through it. So would James.
0:53:37 > 0:53:41But who would film what happened afterwards?
0:53:41 > 0:53:43- Three main cameramen.- Yeah.
0:53:43 > 0:53:48- They're getting in a taxi and going back to Kiev.- What?
0:53:48 > 0:53:50They're not going in. There they go.
0:53:50 > 0:53:53So we're filming the most dangerous thing we've ever done with two,
0:53:53 > 0:53:55- I don't want to be rude, but camera assistants?- Yeah.
0:53:55 > 0:53:57I actually want to thank you.
0:53:57 > 0:54:01- Yeah.- Thank you very much. You're very brave.
0:54:01 > 0:54:03You're promoted official cameramen.
0:54:03 > 0:54:06I know you want to get on in the world, but this is a bit much.
0:54:07 > 0:54:11Those of us who were going in made their preparations.
0:54:13 > 0:54:18Right. Air on recirc. Vents shut.
0:54:18 > 0:54:21Geiger counter on.
0:54:26 > 0:54:30GEIGER COUNTER CLICKS GENTLY
0:54:30 > 0:54:31That really is a Geiger counter,
0:54:31 > 0:54:33and it really is going tick, tick, tick.
0:54:37 > 0:54:39The cameraman is having to film us
0:54:39 > 0:54:42from the back of a Land Rover, as usual, but with the door closed.
0:54:42 > 0:54:45Normally the tailgate is propped open.
0:54:50 > 0:54:55There's something like 17 tonnes of radioactive waste
0:54:55 > 0:54:58still in the exposed reactor core.
0:54:59 > 0:55:03They're building an enormous sort of arch, really, over
0:55:03 > 0:55:08the entire site, which will seal it off, but that is not finished yet.
0:55:10 > 0:55:14With 8km to go, I had started to beg.
0:55:14 > 0:55:18Run out. Run out now.
0:55:19 > 0:55:21But it didn't.
0:55:21 > 0:55:25GEIGER COUNTER CLICKS MORE RAPIDLY
0:55:26 > 0:55:29That needle is definitely moving.
0:55:29 > 0:55:32Now it had become imperative we didn't run out
0:55:32 > 0:55:35until we were well past the reactor.
0:55:38 > 0:55:39There it is.
0:55:48 > 0:55:52That is the remains of reactor number four.
0:55:53 > 0:55:56This is unbelievable.
0:56:01 > 0:56:04I wouldn't want to appear to be gloating at a time like this,
0:56:04 > 0:56:07but I do still have two bars of fuel left.
0:56:08 > 0:56:10I didn't.
0:56:10 > 0:56:16Oh, my God! Don't stop now.
0:56:16 > 0:56:19And as a result, I was in serious trouble.
0:56:24 > 0:56:29This is where the people who worked at the nuclear facility all lived.
0:56:30 > 0:56:33Totally abandoned now. It has been for 28 years.
0:56:35 > 0:56:38Look at it. Look at that there.
0:56:40 > 0:56:45This has to be one of the world's most astonishing spectacles.
0:56:46 > 0:56:47Oh, my... I've seen this!
0:56:50 > 0:56:52This is it. This is the playground.
0:56:54 > 0:56:57GEIGER COUNTER CRACKLES NOISILY
0:57:00 > 0:57:04Whoa, big spike. It is definitely now time to get out of here.
0:57:11 > 0:57:14Come on, little Up! Don't run out now.
0:57:15 > 0:57:18Oh, that was... It coughed.
0:57:18 > 0:57:23That was a cough. It's gone. It's gone.
0:57:29 > 0:57:32APPLAUSE
0:57:35 > 0:57:39Why are they applauding that? Why are you applauding?
0:57:39 > 0:57:42So how did you get out?
0:57:42 > 0:57:46I waited, thinking you would come and rescue me, which you...
0:57:46 > 0:57:48- Well, I didn't, because... - No, you didn't.
0:57:48 > 0:57:52We do leave a man in the field, or in this case, the contaminated city.
0:57:52 > 0:57:57- Yes, so I had to walk.- Really? - So, any effects?- Yes.
0:57:57 > 0:58:00I've had to present this entire show with two penises.
0:58:01 > 0:58:04But then, I have been doing that for 11 years.
0:58:04 > 0:58:05Funny.
0:58:05 > 0:58:08Anyway, right, the cars, the important bit.
0:58:08 > 0:58:12- Yes, and the Fiesta is brilliant. - Yes, I know it is.- It saved my life.
0:58:12 > 0:58:13Yes, it did.
0:58:13 > 0:58:19Yes, but we must remember, the Dacia, Hammond, is £10,000 cheaper.
0:58:19 > 0:58:21Yes, because it's rubbish.
0:58:21 > 0:58:23No, but if you buy a small car, you want it to be cheap.
0:58:23 > 0:58:28- No, you want it to be good. - Actually, you want it to be both.
0:58:28 > 0:58:30Yes, but the Up! is neither.
0:58:30 > 0:58:35Listen, May, you said the Up! was brilliant and intelligent.
0:58:35 > 0:58:36When did I say that?
0:58:36 > 0:58:40You wrote it in a road test in a magazine about 18 months ago.
0:58:41 > 0:58:44I was rather hoping you wouldn't have read that.
0:58:44 > 0:58:45Yes, well, I did read it.
0:58:45 > 0:58:47So once again, it turns out that on this show,
0:58:47 > 0:58:51- I am the voice of reason and common sense.- Really?
0:58:51 > 0:58:55Yes, and the Up! is the small car to buy.
0:58:55 > 0:58:57Not that one, though, because that's been irradiated.
0:58:57 > 0:59:00Yes - actually, Hammond, you are sitting on it,
0:59:00 > 0:59:03which means you now have a radioactive anus.
0:59:03 > 0:59:04Ah!
0:59:04 > 0:59:09And on that bum-shell, it's time to end. Thank you so much for watching.
0:59:09 > 0:59:10See you next week. Good night.
0:59:10 > 0:59:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE