0:00:11 > 0:00:14Tonight, Richard tests a van,
0:00:14 > 0:00:18I drive an old, brown Porsche,
0:00:18 > 0:00:21and James uses a telephone.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Thank you so much, thank you, everybody, thank you.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Now... Now...
0:00:39 > 0:00:44Ambulance response times have been in the news just recently.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48It seems that many ambulances aren't getting to
0:00:48 > 0:00:51critically ill patients as fast as they should be.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54And nobody seems to know why...
0:00:54 > 0:00:56except us.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00You see, the National Health Service believes that this
0:01:00 > 0:01:02is a fast-response vehicle,
0:01:02 > 0:01:07but it isn't even on nodding terms with the concept of fast.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10It started out in life as a van with a diesel engine,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13and then they added more weight.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And that gave us an idea.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20SIREN WAILS
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Here's a traditional ambulance.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28It's big and it's bulky
0:01:28 > 0:01:31and it's stuck in rush-hour traffic.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Plus, it's being driven by a chap who knows how to drain a lung,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38but he doesn't know how to trail brake
0:01:38 > 0:01:40or execute a racing gear change.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Our ambulance, however, is really different.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45SIREN WAILS
0:01:45 > 0:01:51Yes, it's the Stig in an emergency version of Top Gear's P45,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55the smallest road-legal car ever made.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59That means it can fit through the tiniest gaps.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04And make its own lane in the jams.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And when it gets to the scene of an emergency,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11it can drive right up to the building and then go inside.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18All of this saves time, and saving time saves lives.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Of course, you're probably wondering how on earth the patient can
0:02:22 > 0:02:26now be transported to hospital in an ambulance as small as this.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Well, that is where our genius really comes into play because,
0:02:30 > 0:02:34well, here comes the Stig now with a patient who has been
0:02:34 > 0:02:37literally bored into a coma by one of the meetings they have in here.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Yes, and as you can see, he simply has to clip the stretcher
0:02:40 > 0:02:43on to the back of the P45 and he's ready to go.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47- Yeah.- Sometimes I think our genius is tangible.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- It's like...it's like it has a mass. - Yeah, it's like another presence.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51It's still there when we've gone.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Yeah. I mean, we've solved many things over the years,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57but I think that is our finest hour, it really is.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Yeah, I think it's up there with the best we've ever done.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Oh!- Jeez!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- Oh.- Oh. I think we need to call for an ambulance.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- That's a good idea. - OK, I'll do it.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- Do you know what the number is? - Nine...
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Is it nine?- Oh, hello.- Excuse me. - Oh...
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Gentlemen.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22"You idiots."
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- Hmm. Fair point, this time.- Yeah. - "You've killed a man."
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- He wasn't going to make it anyway. - No, I don't think he was.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- He looked very peaky.- He did.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33"It's all very well building a faster ambulance,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37"but it's no good if you have to tow the patient to hospital.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41"Now go back to the drawing board and, for once, do it properly."
0:03:41 > 0:03:42- Right.- Mm-hm, OK.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44So we've got to build something
0:03:44 > 0:03:47that's faster than a normal ambulance.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Yeah, but it's got to have room for the patient.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- Inside it.- Inside it. Yeah.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54That's...that's where we went wrong there.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Naturally, we couldn't agree on what vehicle
0:03:58 > 0:04:00we should use as a start point,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03so each of us went our own way.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07BRAKES SQUEAL
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Here is what I have chosen.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Yeah, it is a van, but it's a Chevy G20.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23Under there, 5.7-litre small block Chevy V8.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25What I've got is a V8 ambulance, but there's more.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27That thing, £150,000.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29This? About £5,000.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I am saving the NHS a lot of money
0:04:32 > 0:04:35that they can spend better on bandages and those...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38paper bottles that you wee in?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41At this point, the orang-utan arrived.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Hello.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46What?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48BRAKES SQUEAL
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Well...- Porsche 944 Turbo.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Yes, I know. It's not very ambulance-y, is it?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55What's wrong with it?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58This was actually designed as an ambulance by Porsche.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Was it?- It was.- In what way is it an ambulance?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Make that work for me. - Right, OK, fine.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Full James May spec - brown, brown interior, brown carpet,
0:05:07 > 0:05:08brown dashboard -
0:05:08 > 0:05:11so that if there's a trouser accident with the patient
0:05:11 > 0:05:13you don't see it,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16and the whole point is, we were told to get a fast ambulance,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19were we not? It's a 944 Turbo.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Top speed 152mph.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23- And this is yours?- Oh, yeah.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Top speed?- It's so big that they won't even tell you.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- They don't even know what the top speed is.- Is it?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- There is no top speed.- Is it? Is it?- Yeah. Look at that.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Ohh...- Yep, I know. It's brilliant, isn't it?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Electric seats.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Why is every single car you ever buy for one of these challenges
0:05:39 > 0:05:41filled with ruched Dralon?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I don't know, just something that happens. I don't know..
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Now, I'm sorry, Hammond, mine is better than yours.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Look at the size of this boot!
0:05:48 > 0:05:52'To demonstrate its enormity, I made Hammond climb into it.'
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- It's not brilliant. - Tell me I've done this wrong.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Yeah.- Tell me I've done this wrong.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Um, one thing.- What?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- It is quite incredibly hot in here. - Is it?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I'm in a greenhouse. I'm quite quickly beginning to cook.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07'As Hammond simmered to death...'
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Oh, look!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11'..an undertaker arrived.'
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Um...- Oh, sorry.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15- Gentlemen.- Oh, God!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17HE WHEEZES
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Behold, the Ford Scorpio Cardinal.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25So, what's really interesting about this car
0:06:25 > 0:06:27is what's going on under here.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32This has a 2.9-litre, quad cam, 24-valve V6
0:06:32 > 0:06:34developed by Cosworth
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and giving 207 horsepower.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- And...and it has traction control. - Yes...
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And...it has a sport button.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46All very interesting, James. You did very good indeed.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- But there's a bit of an elephant in the room.- Yes, I knew you
0:06:48 > 0:06:51were going to say that. It's not Ford's finest styling, I know,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53but that hardly matters if you've just fallen off a ladder!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56That's not the elephant we're talking about.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- The elephant's a little further back.- It's a hearse!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- It is a hearse, James. - It's what you put dead people in!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Well, look at it this way.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06If you lose the patient, which does happen, you've still got a job.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10But look at the plus sides - it's very fast, it's very smooth...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Is it?- Yes, it is. It's very refined. It's the right shape
0:07:13 > 0:07:14for patients already.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17This is a type of car that has actually been misused for years.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Tell you what it would make - brilliant camper van.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Yeah, yeah, good ice cream van as well.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Or burger van, anything like that, anything van-like.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Yes, yes, but not an ambulance.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30'My protests were then halted by the arrival of a challenge.'
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Ah.- Go on, then.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"You will now do a drag race
0:07:34 > 0:07:37"with your ambulances against the NHS equivalent."
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Must be that. "Many points will be awarded to the winner."
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- Well...- Well, I'm the winner. - Well...- Well, I...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46No, you parked next to... That's a Chevy engine,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49that's a Corvette engine in there, basically, as I have said.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- Shall we just do it and see?- Yes. - That's the sort of point.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57'Moments later, we took our places on the start line.'
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Sport, traction control off,
0:08:00 > 0:08:04remain dignified, drive, I'm ready.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Prepare to be surprised.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09ENGINE REVS
0:08:10 > 0:08:14When this car was new, it produced 217 horsepower, but today I'm not
0:08:14 > 0:08:16so sure because when I opened the turbo yesterday,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I found this in it.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Bits of what could be gravel
0:08:22 > 0:08:26or broken ceramic. I don't know.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29I just know it has no place in a piece of hi-tech equipment.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30ENGINE REVS
0:08:32 > 0:08:35That's all it's got. I'll just leave it open.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38ENGINES REV
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Weirdest ambulance race in history is about to begin.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Three, two, one!
0:08:44 > 0:08:49AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Oh, I'm going to win! I'm getting ahead.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53My mirror's dropping out.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Eat my dust, Chevrolet!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Oh, my God, no!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03The hearse is mighty.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Look at it go! 100!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10But it seems, yes...
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Oh, no!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15..the Porsche is mightier than the hearse.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22And across the line at 120mph!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28The A-Team had one of these!
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Hammond, my commiserations on your unfortunate loss.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Thank you.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36'The fact is, though,
0:09:36 > 0:09:40'that all our vehicles were faster than the National Health Service,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42'and having proved that,
0:09:42 > 0:09:47'we were told to go off and make them a bit more ambulance-y.'
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Thank you very much.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Thank you very much.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Now, we're going to pick that up... We'll pick that up later on,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03but just before we move on and do the news, can I just say,
0:10:03 > 0:10:07if you're standing in a field with a severed arm,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09you don't want the NHS to arrive in a diesel van.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12You don't want someone coming in a hearse.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13It's a Cosworth hearse.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17I don't care if it's a Bugatti hearse, it's still a hearse.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20And what it says to the patient is, "You're not going to make it."
0:10:20 > 0:10:22It does, James. It does.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25But the point I'm trying to make is this, OK, not only are you
0:10:25 > 0:10:28bothered about what car they come in, but also the driver.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31You don't want to be rescued by Josh out of Casualty.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32You want Lewis Hamilton.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Now, that is a good point, actually. - Yes, it is.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39It is because, if you think about it, racing drivers are like actors.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42At any given moment, 97% of them are out of work.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44So why doesn't the NHS take them on?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46They could be doing something useful.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48And what's Nigel Mansell doing these days?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Cos he'd be a brilliant ambulance driver,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- wouldn't he?- He would. - With his comforting Brummie accent
0:10:54 > 0:10:56and his reassuring moustache in the front of the ambulance.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- I'd love to know he was there. - Anyway, we must now do the news.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01And, uh, oh, yes,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04we've had a number of complaints about last week's show.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06People said it was cruel to blow up a cow.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11Well, I want to make it absolutely plain right now -
0:11:11 > 0:11:14no cow was hurt in the making of that film.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Its death was instantaneous.- Yeah.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Wouldn't have felt a thing. - Immediate, it wouldn't have known.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25- Right, next.- Yes, I have news, very exciting news. It is a new Ferrari.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- There is a picture of it here. That...- Holy Moley!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- Wow.- Yes indeed.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32That is the 488 GTB.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36It has a 3.9-litre turbo-charged V8,
0:11:36 > 0:11:40661 horsepower, 0-60 in three seconds. Look at it.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Correct me if I'm wrong, this is the replacement, isn't it, for the 458?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Yes, it is.- I'm just thinking, if you had a 458,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48you'd be feeling suicidal now,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- wouldn't you?- Yeah, you would. Yeah.- That's prettier,
0:11:50 > 0:11:55faster, it's turbo-charged, it does 25 miles to the gallon.
0:11:55 > 0:11:5850% more down-force than the 458.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Yeah.- Yeah, yeah.- James? - Yes, Richard?
0:12:01 > 0:12:06- Haven't you got a 458?- Oh, I completely forgot.- Yes, I have.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It's worthless now,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10literally worthless, now they've done that.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13You might just want to give it away to a member of the audience here.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- It's worthless.- I think we should maybe put it...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Let's open it to all the viewers.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23If you'd like James's Ferrari write to us at James May,
0:12:23 > 0:12:27I'll Take That Ferrari Off Your Hands If I Must,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30BBC, London...wherever we are.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- You know, people are actually going to write in now.- Yes.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And we're actually going to give it away.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Yeah, we are. We're committed now.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40That is a thing of extraordinary beauty.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43But I have to say this - McLaren quick to respond,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45they also have announced a new car.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Can't remember what it's called, it doesn't matter.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50They sent us a picture of it. Here it is.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51LAUGHTER
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I'm not actually joking. They genuinely sent that going,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- "We've got a new car."- It's not actually a car, is it?
0:12:57 > 0:12:58- Not really, no.- It's not finished.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I think I prefer the Ferrari.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Oh, now! There's a new special edition of the Range Rover Evoque,
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- it's called the NW8.- NW8? - Yes. There it is.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11They've named it after a London postcode?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Yeah, next up probably will be the E17.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18A car that runs over its own driver.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:26What's the matter now? I don't get that.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- East 17...- It's a postcode. Why would a postcode...?
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- How could a postcode...? - East 17 is a band, Brian Harvey?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Is he a driver?- No, Hammond, look...
0:13:35 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Hammond... Basically, the only band he knows is the Wurzels.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42That's the problem. Now, I want to talk about stopping distances,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45we touched on this when we were in Australia last week.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49You see, the Government says we have to be limited to 70mph
0:13:49 > 0:13:54on the motorway because the stopping distance from 70 is 315 feet,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56which they say that's an acceptable stopping distance
0:13:56 > 0:13:59so therefore you can't go any faster than 70.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Exactly. But we know that it isn't 315, don't we,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04because we demonstrated this in Australia last week.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Well, from 60, yes. But we made the point.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09So what we were wondering is, how fast do you actually
0:14:09 > 0:14:13have to be going before you need 315 feet to stop?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Mmm. So we actually decided, this morning in fact,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17to do an experiment.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18We've got footage of it here.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23It's the Stig driving along in a diesel-powered Vauxhall Insignia.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27And he's building up speed to brake point now, full braking
0:14:27 > 0:14:28and that's the Stig doing it.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31And there we are, 315 feet exactly.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Anyone want to guess how fast he was going
0:14:34 > 0:14:36when he pressed the brake pedal?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT - 100mph?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41130 in a Vauxhall Insignia diesel?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44No. Try to be realistic.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48110? Actually he was doing 112mph.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50So if the Government says that the speed limit is
0:14:50 > 0:14:53determined by stopping distance,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56then we should be allowed to drive at 112mph.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Perfectly logical. - You can't argue with it.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01APPLAUSE
0:15:01 > 0:15:03It's logic.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Right, OK. Now it's time to get back to our ambulance film.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08So far, we've established that my car, his van
0:15:08 > 0:15:11and his hearse are faster than the NHS equivalent,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14and now we pick up the action after we've converted them
0:15:14 > 0:15:16into actual ambulances.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19HOLBY CITY THEME TUNE
0:15:20 > 0:15:23We reconvened once more at our track,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26and James was the first to arrive.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35Hello, viewers, and as you would expect, I have done it properly.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37This is no longer a hearse,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40it is the future of club class recovery transport.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I've based it all on business jet travel.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46It goes fast and makes you feel better.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Choice of pillows, television to show your journey.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52A lovely view to the top. A lovely view out of the windows.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55What could be wrong with it? It is the perfect ambulance.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I don't know why nobody's thought of it before, to be brutally honest.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- LOUDSPEAKER:- James May! - Oh, crikey.
0:16:00 > 0:16:06Prepare to be blown away by the turbulence of my magnificence!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Behold, look what I have done!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I'm prepared to bask in the fetid belch of his incompetence,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13but, anyway, let's see. Hello.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15JEREMY CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:16:15 > 0:16:20The challenge, as you know, was to build a fast ambulance.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- I've added 300 horsepower... - Have you?- ..with the paint job.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- Right.- You'll notice...
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- hydraulic handbrake. - Hydraulic handbrake?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Hydraulic handbrake.- You often hear ambulance drivers saying,
0:16:34 > 0:16:36"If only I'd had a hydraulic handbrake."
0:16:36 > 0:16:39You've never heard them say that cos they've never thought of it.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40- OK.- Telephone number.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Yes, telephone number. That works everywhere, doesn't it?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- That's good, I can see the performance.- Yes. Yes.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- That?- This?- Yeah.- This?- Yeah.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50This is genius. No other word for it.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54'But before I could explain, Hammond arrived.'
0:16:54 > 0:16:57CASUALTY THEME TUNE
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Oh, my God.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Oh, yeah.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Ambulance.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07It doesn't say...
0:17:07 > 0:17:12No, what it says is "lo-cost nuclear waste disposal", not "ambulance".
0:17:12 > 0:17:14No, what it says is, "Get out of the way!"
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Because you would. You see that, you're not going to just sit there
0:17:17 > 0:17:20dithering, "Oh, I might, I might not." You're going to run.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- What's this?- Well, if you're stuck in traffic, for instance,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25and you saw this, and green gas started coming out,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- you wouldn't be stuck in traffic any more.- So, you're scaring people
0:17:28 > 0:17:31out of the way of your high-performance ambulance?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Yes!- Ah, but it isn't high-performance.- No.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- That's what I'm about to say. - Uh, uh, uh!- Is it any faster?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Yes, I have addressed the issue of speed very cleverly.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41What I've fitted...
0:17:41 > 0:17:44If you look over there - nitrous!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Because it has two purposes.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49It's what they use as laughing gas in hospitals, isn't it?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- Yes.- So, if the patient needs to be made to feel a bit better,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I switch that to "patient".
0:17:53 > 0:17:56If I want to go a bit faster, I switch that to "engine"
0:17:56 > 0:17:59and it diverts the nitrous into the engine, another several hundred BHP.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Of course!- Yes!- Nitrous is the same thing that drag racers use
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- to go faster and that they use... - Yeah, yeah.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11'James then demonstrated the motorised loading bay
0:18:11 > 0:18:13'he'd fitted to his hearse-bulance.'
0:18:13 > 0:18:16SLOW WHIRRING
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Oh, the speed, the speed! - I'm bleed....
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- It's my femoral artery! I'm bleeding out.- We're bleeding to death!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23It's slowing now, it's not bleeding as quickly.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26JEREMY GRUNTS It's barely dribbling out now!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29It's a good job you've got a Cosworth engine, James,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- because you've got a lot of time to make up.- Can we have a look inside?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Of course you can.- Oh, look it... - RAMP THUDS
0:18:35 > 0:18:36RICHARD SIGHS
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- You've broken it.- It won't take the weight of a tiny, tiny man.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44'I then demonstrated my much faster patient-loading solution.'
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- JEREMY HUMS TO HIMSELF Oh, I say!- Wheels deployed.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Wheels deployed there, wheels deploy there.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Ouch! Annoyingly, that's actually quite clever.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- This is a split folding... It's like a Range Rover Porsche.- Exactly!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Don't sit it on it, you've already broken one tailgate today.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05'And my brilliant engineering didn't stop there.'
0:19:06 > 0:19:09I'm driving down a narrow street,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12parked cars are on either side, I can't get through.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14CLICKS FINGERS
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Clear!- What?!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- What?- It's a ram-bulance! - RICHARD LAUGHS
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- Oh, I see, I thought it was a snowplough.- My God, this is...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Sheet steel, ten mil.- OK.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Heavy?- Very.- Hmm. - That's why it folds back.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- Oh, what, cos it's lighter when it's folded back?- No, no, no, no, b...
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Do you know nothing about weight distribution?- 50-50 distribution.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- It's still weight!- It's 50-50...
0:19:43 > 0:19:47'As we discussed my handiwork, a challenge arrived.'
0:19:47 > 0:19:49HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:19:49 > 0:19:52"The Stig will now drive each of your cars around the track,
0:19:52 > 0:19:57"which, to make it more real, has been fitted with three speed humps.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59"You will be in the back with a patient
0:19:59 > 0:20:03"and, in the course of one lap, you will put his intestines back in,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06"insert a drip, and fit a catheter.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07"Points will be awarded for speed
0:20:07 > 0:20:11"and how much of the medical work you complete successfully."
0:20:11 > 0:20:14What? Is a catheter a thing that goes up your old chap?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- Yes!- Up it?- Yes.- Not on it?- No.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20JEREMY LAUGHS
0:20:20 > 0:20:24'Hammond elected to go first and, once his patient had been loaded,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28'a rather bemused Stig took his place at the wheel.'
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- Oh, he's not in a good way at all. - He?!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- It's a girl.- Oh, yeah. - Oh, no, or is it, though?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36It's a girl from where I am. Just have a look under there.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- Is that just a bit of...?- Agh!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- There's a thing!- It's a ladyboy!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Anyway, it's a medical emergency.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Get out of the way, I've got to get on with this.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47ENGINE REVS
0:20:47 > 0:20:50In three, two, one...
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Go!
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Oh-ho! Oh, that's... Yeah, ugh! The wheels were a mistake!
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I'm really sorry, mate, just try and put your guts back in the...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Oh...er... Agh!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06TYRES SCREECH
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Airway - that's a priority! That goes in here.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Agh! Now he's being sick on me!
0:21:13 > 0:21:14I'm covered in... Agh!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Stop vomiting, you idiot!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Agh! Oh!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26This is the willy bit. You probably can't see this on television.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29This has to go in the end.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Ah! Now I'm covered in wee!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Agh, agh, ah!
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Oof! CRASH!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Speed...
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Ah! Agh!
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- That would be deeply uncomfortable for Hammond.- I would've thought so.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH
0:21:48 > 0:21:50How do I get the blood out of the bag?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- I'm tempted to move back. - Do you know? I agree.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- Yeah.- Cos it is Das Stig!
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Agh!
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Stig!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- TYRES SCREECH - Whoa!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03There he is.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Across the line!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08'The two minutes 17 lap had taken its toll
0:22:08 > 0:22:12'on both the Chevy's brakes and Dr Hammond.'
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Holy Moley! Look at the state of him. What's that?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Being an ambulance man is a tough job.- What is that?!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- It's...it's wee.- Is it yours?- No.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26'Next, it was the turn of Dr Slow's hearse-bulance.'
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Three, two, one, go!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31SLOW WHIRRING
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- Should I start the stopwatch now? - Well, I mean, this is part of the...
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Well, it's taking time.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41HIGH-PITCHED WHINING
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Is his seat fastened down?- Yeah.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47What he's done is take a length of one of those stairlifts.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52CRASH!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55THEY LAUGH
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I think you may have overdone it slightly
0:22:57 > 0:22:59on closing the tailgate, Stig.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01You get in and we'll fasten you in.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Your lap time is going to be shocking, frankly.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- You haven't started the stopwatch? - Yeah.- Course we have!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- I haven't set off yet!- You DID set off!- Well, it's your call, isn't it?
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Hurry up!
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Go!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- He's gone!- He's gone now.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Nine minutes 30 to get to there. - 9.30!- That's not brilliant.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Can you hear me, man, woman? No? Right, breathing? Possibly not.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Putting...
0:23:26 > 0:23:29'The hearse-bulance coped brilliantly with the corners.'
0:23:30 > 0:23:32That's his guts back in.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34'But less well on the speed humps.'
0:23:34 > 0:23:37CRUNCHING
0:23:37 > 0:23:39SCRAPING
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Ow!
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Keep going!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48He's going to make it!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50TYRES SCREECH Here he comes.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55- Hammond, run for your life!- I'm going to die! Killed by an ambulance!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Across the line!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01'James wasn't best pleased with his lap time.'
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- 12 minutes and 28 seconds! - Oh, get lost!- It was!- It was.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08It's the slowest lap in Top Gear's history.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10'Finally, it was the turn of the Porsche.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12'And immediately, there was a problem.'
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Ah!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- Good.- He's kicked the patient.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Um... - RICHARD CACKLES
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Shut up!
0:24:21 > 0:24:25'Eventually, though, the ape was in position.'
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Begin!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Is he focusing on getting the drip in?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Or is he focusing on...?
0:24:35 > 0:24:39# Trust in me, trust in me... #
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- TYRES SCREECH - Oh...!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Holy mother of God!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Ow! It hurts so much!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56You maniac!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58TYRES SCREECH
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Ow! Stupid man!
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Oh, God, what happens when I go over a speed bump?!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I don't like this!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08HE GROANS
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- TYRES SCREECH - Ooh...!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Here he comes.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- I'm in a scene from Carrie! - TYRES SCREECH
0:25:20 > 0:25:22I want Josh back from Casualty!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25God!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29And across the line!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Oh?!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Oh, dear!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36'And then, to complete my humiliation...'
0:25:36 > 0:25:382...24.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42- Rubbish! What, I was slower than the...?- Yeah!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- You were 2.12 or something, weren't you?- Yep.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- Did he slow down at all for the speed humps?- Nope.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50That's why we got air.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55- Right, that's my drawback.- Well, you can't... I mean, it's a Porsche!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57You can't hit the sp... It hasn't got the clearance!
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- He ripped his bumper off. - Speed bumps! 600,000 people a year
0:26:01 > 0:26:04are killed in the back of ambulances by speed humps.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- What you're doing is making that up. - Yes, but making a point as well.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- I'm making it up to make a point. - If it's one or more, it's an issue.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- Agreed!- Go over it too fast, patient dies.- Yeah?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Slow down to make it comfortable,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17patient dies cos they don't reach the hospital in time.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Until this Government gets rid of every single speed hump,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22we're all going to die.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27'For our next test, we had to see which of our cars
0:26:27 > 0:26:30'had the fastest patient off-loading system.'
0:26:30 > 0:26:35As I approach the A & E department, I open the boot using electricity.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40I then apply the handbrake, hydraulic, the car swings round,
0:26:40 > 0:26:44centrifugal force causes the patient to leave the car, the ambulance,
0:26:44 > 0:26:49on his stretcher, the wheels deploy, and he rolls into the hospital.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I am then pointing in the right direction
0:26:52 > 0:26:55to go back out and get another patient.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Somewhere, there's a world in which that will work.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04- LOUDSPEAKER:- Ram-bulance 1 coming in hot. Delivery system engaged!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Behold my genius.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15- Not an enormous success.- No, I could see where the thinking was going...
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- Yeah.- ..but the legs didn't deploy and the patient's dead.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- Goal-line technology, that is in. - I'm going to give it a no,
0:27:22 > 0:27:26- on the basis that he isn't IN the hospital.- He is!- He's not!- He is!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- The hos...- Even his foot's not in, he's not in.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Nobody will look at it and say, "Ooh, that poor man's in hospital."
0:27:31 > 0:27:35They'll say, "That poor man's been dumped OUTSIDE a hospital."
0:27:35 > 0:27:37'It was then my turn.'
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Swing it round.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39SATISFIED SIGH
0:27:39 > 0:27:41What is he doing?!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Similar sort of system, only I'm using a cannon.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45And, er, ready? Good, fire!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Pretty quick, I think you'll agree.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56- What?- What the hell was that?! - I'm not entirely certain
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- you've delivered the patient to the hospital.- Well, I have!
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Or that the patient is still... What's the word I'm looking for?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- ..Alive!- That's the one. - Ooh! Oh, dear!
0:28:07 > 0:28:08It was an air cannon.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Oh, and the door didn't open properly.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14'Given how low the bar had been set...'
0:28:14 > 0:28:15I think it was a good idea.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18'..I was confident that I'd win this.'
0:28:18 > 0:28:20SLOW REVVING
0:28:20 > 0:28:24- James, what exactly are we looking at?- This is a robot lawn mower.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26- Is it?- I've laid out pieces of string.
0:28:26 > 0:28:31It knows where those are, so it mows only inside this big rectangle.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35So then I thought, you know the really big farm lawn mowers?
0:28:35 > 0:28:39- You mean combines?- Yeah, whatever, those work off satnav.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42The satnav knows where it is, and that's the technology I've used.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47'We watched eagerly as James lined up to demonstrate his invention.'
0:28:48 > 0:28:51- SLOW WHIRRING - Oh, God!
0:28:56 > 0:28:59WHIRRING CONTINUES
0:28:59 > 0:29:02WHIRRING STARTS AND STOPS
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Right.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12Now all I do is, using my special programmer, I have the coordinates
0:29:12 > 0:29:15for the operating theatre at this hospital already entered.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18MACHINE BEEPS AND BUZZES
0:29:18 > 0:29:19Now watch.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26- Stand clear.- What? So you uploaded
0:29:26 > 0:29:31the schematics to your PDA of the hospital, like Jack Bauer?
0:29:31 > 0:29:33- BEEPING - What does that mean?
0:29:33 > 0:29:35Arrived at the operating theatre.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37- Does it?- Yes.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41- In some ways, I'm very impressed with what he's done.- Yeah.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45- But in one colossal way... - WHEELS RATTLE
0:29:45 > 0:29:48..I'm not sure that it's worked at all.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51I know what that way is, and I think you're right.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54It is a disadvantage of the system. It's a problem.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56James, would you like to know what the massive...
0:29:56 > 0:29:59- What?- If you insist there's something wrong with it...
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Yeah. Maybe your patient changed his mind(!)
0:30:04 > 0:30:07CHEERING
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Thank you so much, everybody. Now, we'll pick that up...
0:30:12 > 0:30:14We'll pick that up later on.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18Uh, but now, it is time to put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22My guest tonight is a Formula One driver who is always smiling.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25But he says that, behind the cuddly exterior,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28he's actually a bit of a honey badger.
0:30:28 > 0:30:29- LAUGHTER - A ferocious animal
0:30:29 > 0:30:32that fights its opponents by going for their...
0:30:32 > 0:30:33crotch areas.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35- LAUGHTER - Er...so, ladies and gentlemen,
0:30:35 > 0:30:40please put your hands over your genitals for Daniel Ricciardo!
0:30:40 > 0:30:42CHEERING
0:30:42 > 0:30:43Hey!
0:30:43 > 0:30:45WHISTLING
0:30:45 > 0:30:48- G'day.- How are you?- I'm all right.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52Yes!
0:30:52 > 0:30:54People love it when an F1 driver comes.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56HE SIGHS
0:30:56 > 0:30:59It was weird, we were in Australia last week in the Northern Territory,
0:30:59 > 0:31:02saw no Australians at all, and now there's one here!
0:31:02 > 0:31:05- Yeah, I know.- But then, you're ALL over here, actually,
0:31:05 > 0:31:06if we're honest, aren't you?
0:31:06 > 0:31:08- LAUGHTER - Well, not by choice.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12LAUGHTER AND GASPS, SOME BOOING
0:31:12 > 0:31:15I can feel the warmth you're generating now(!)
0:31:15 > 0:31:17No, um, what I wanted to do is,
0:31:17 > 0:31:21obviously, when you started at Red Bull last year, did you think,
0:31:21 > 0:31:22and I know a lot of people did,
0:31:22 > 0:31:25that you'd be the cheerful Aussie playing second fiddle
0:31:25 > 0:31:28to the four-times world champion Sebastian Vettel?
0:31:28 > 0:31:29- No.- You didn't? - LAUGHTER
0:31:29 > 0:31:33So you actually thought, from the get-go, "I'm going to have him"?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36I believed I'd have him. But, er...yeah.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Until I got on track, and had everything like for like,
0:31:39 > 0:31:42I wasn't obviously sure how it would go, but coming into it,
0:31:42 > 0:31:45I didn't expect to be, you know, the guy following him every weekend.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48You know, I obviously came in with some self belief
0:31:48 > 0:31:52and then I think that sort of showed and then confidence grew after that.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56There were 19 races last year and you beat him in how many?
0:31:56 > 0:31:57- I don't know, er...- I do.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59How many was it?
0:31:59 > 0:32:03- 14 of them.- 14? - Don't pretend you didn't know!
0:32:03 > 0:32:05No, I-I didn't really, actually.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08I knew it was more, like I knew I had more than him.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10You out-qualified him in...
0:32:10 > 0:32:13- You going to pretend you don't know that as well?- Wait, this one's...
0:32:13 > 0:32:1412-7?
0:32:14 > 0:32:18- 11-8!- 11-8.- But you really...you're not keeping that in your head?
0:32:18 > 0:32:22I would be! I'd ring him up every morning and go, "11-8!"
0:32:22 > 0:32:23He changed his number!
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Has he?
0:32:25 > 0:32:28I think one of the reasons we were all surprised, I think,
0:32:28 > 0:32:31when you first started and were immediately brilliant
0:32:31 > 0:32:34in the Red Bull, is that you just don't look particularly ruthless.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36I mean, you're always smiling.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39The photographs we've been... I've looked through to see
0:32:39 > 0:32:41if I could find one of you not smiling, ever.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45Have a look at this, OK, because this is winning in Canada.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47- That's a huge beam, yes?- Yeah.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50And this is after you've been disqualified in Australia.
0:32:50 > 0:32:54And then we've got another photograph of you having some
0:32:54 > 0:32:57- kind of blood test with a horrible injection.- Oh, yeah!- Here we are.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59Still!
0:32:59 > 0:33:02You know what, it looks like a smile, but that's pain right there.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05- Is it?- That's... Yeah! - So you smile when you're in agony?
0:33:05 > 0:33:09Maybe if we see the lap later, there might be some, er, er...
0:33:09 > 0:33:12some different emotions, cos it was an open-face helmet in the Suzuki...
0:33:12 > 0:33:15We'll see if we can catch a moment when you're not smiling.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- Yeah.- But that is later on. Now, obviously, testing is happening.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20- Now, in fact...- Yeah.- ..as we speak.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22- Yeah.- In fact, how come you're not there?
0:33:22 > 0:33:25- Top Gear's way more important. - Really?- Yeah.- Oh, we're honoured!
0:33:25 > 0:33:28- I hate testing. I can't stand it.- Really?
0:33:28 > 0:33:31- Uh, no, I wouldn't say I hate it, but...- Oh, no, you see.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33The PR machine's come off the rails now!
0:33:33 > 0:33:36How's it going? Cos we've got some Formula One fans here, inevitably,
0:33:36 > 0:33:38and they'll want to know. How's it going?
0:33:38 > 0:33:42- Are you going to be as fast as the Mercs?- Um, it's still very early.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44I mean, we are still finding our way.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48But, er, we've still got eight more days in Barcelona after this.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51- So, come Melbourne, we'll be right. - Is anybody else... It's only fair.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54There's a lot of Formula One fans. Anyone got any questions they'd like
0:33:54 > 0:33:57to ask Daniel while he's here and we're talking about Formula One?
0:33:57 > 0:33:59MAN: What does the back of Lewis's car look like?
0:33:59 > 0:34:00LAUGHTER
0:34:00 > 0:34:03- Can you see that? - LAUGHTER
0:34:08 > 0:34:09LAUGHTER
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Anyone else got another question?
0:34:11 > 0:34:13MAN: Who's better, you or Webber?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15- DANIEL LAUGHS - Oh...
0:34:16 > 0:34:19I don't know.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Actually, let's... We'll find out.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25- I believe he's...1.43.1, so.. - He is on the board. Cos this is
0:34:25 > 0:34:28the only time ever when Formula One drivers get to actually drive
0:34:28 > 0:34:31- the same machine.- Same equipment, different day, one could argue.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33- The pressure is on, if I'm honest...- I know.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35- ..today, particularly... - My heart rate's going up.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Yeah, well, I mean, so's mine, because I actually said,
0:34:38 > 0:34:41early last year, I actually sent a tweet out
0:34:41 > 0:34:44saying I thought you were the best driver on the F1 grid.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46Knuckles. Thanks.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51It's my way of saying thank you.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55Oh, I see, it's thank you. I thought you'd hit me. Um...
0:34:55 > 0:34:57And people who know what they're talking about as well said it.
0:34:57 > 0:35:02Alonso said... What did he call you? He said you were "unbelievable".
0:35:02 > 0:35:05You know, so we have had this sort of, "How good is Daniel?"
0:35:05 > 0:35:07And this is your opportunity to come
0:35:07 > 0:35:10and actually show everybody, in the same car they've all driven.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12And the weather today was...
0:35:12 > 0:35:16- It was good.- Yeah!- Like, that's a thing - I don't have excuses!
0:35:16 > 0:35:18- LAUGHTER - No, it was cold and bright
0:35:18 > 0:35:20and about as perfect as it could be for a car.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23So who would like to see what is, let's be honest,
0:35:23 > 0:35:25an extremely important lap?
0:35:25 > 0:35:27ALL: Yes!
0:35:27 > 0:35:28Play the tape, let's have a look.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Come on, let's do this!
0:35:30 > 0:35:34Obviously, you're back in the old car, the Suzuki Liana.
0:35:34 > 0:35:35Nice to see it back.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Race face on! Grr!
0:35:37 > 0:35:40- STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS - That is! It's like a honey badger!
0:35:40 > 0:35:44I'm guessing, will you go...? No, weirdly, you're not on the wide line
0:35:44 > 0:35:47- taken by most of the Formula One drivers.- Taking it tight.
0:35:47 > 0:35:48- TYRES SCREECH - Taking it tight.- You are.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50Just saving distance.
0:35:50 > 0:35:51Not there, you're not.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Chicks'll go crazy for this!
0:35:54 > 0:35:56AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:35:56 > 0:35:58- OK, this is it. - Bit of under-steer.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01- Little bit, but managed nicely. - Kept it tight!
0:36:01 > 0:36:04- Come on! Let's go! - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:36:04 > 0:36:08- Whoa! All sorts of hand gestures. - Getting racy!
0:36:08 > 0:36:10- Hammerhead. - Keeping it in the lines, ooh...
0:36:10 > 0:36:14- Oh!- Yeah, now get it all lined up ready for a smooth, quick...
0:36:14 > 0:36:18Why am I telling you what you're doing? You know what you're doing!
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Come on!
0:36:20 > 0:36:22- Grr. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Are you suggesting this isn't fast enough?
0:36:25 > 0:36:28- Look at it! Using the red and whites.- This line's good.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30This is...this is racy.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33- Oh, that's keeping it comfy! - Yeah.- Keeping it comfy.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36- Ooh, look at that, lift-off over-steer!- Yeah!
0:36:36 > 0:36:40Something our other guests should use. Lift-off over-steering there.
0:36:40 > 0:36:44- Ooh, that was...- Then just fling it in and there we are across the line!
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Ah! Ha-ha, ha-ha!
0:36:55 > 0:36:58- I'm actually nervous.- Go on, then, where do you think you've come?
0:36:58 > 0:37:03These are effectively drive times, Jenson, 144. 144, 144, 144, so
0:37:03 > 0:37:09we're up to Lewis, then came along, on his second attempt, and did...
0:37:09 > 0:37:12let's be honest, a fairly unbeatable 142.9.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14- Whoa.- Cos that's... What is he? Quicker...
0:37:14 > 0:37:17- Mark's second, so he's 0.2 seconds off.- The anticipation's killing me.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19And then, we're right down to Seb at 144.
0:37:19 > 0:37:21LAUGHTER
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Should I just go lower or...?
0:37:23 > 0:37:27I don't know, I... The gap between Webber and Vettel scares me.
0:37:27 > 0:37:28Like that's a big gap, so I'm wondering
0:37:28 > 0:37:31- if they had good track conditions. - That's 0.9 of a second.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34- Did I have that?- A load of space to get you and your smile in there.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36LAUGHTER
0:37:36 > 0:37:37Just do it slowly!
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Lewis, 142.9...
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Do it slow, like one number by one number.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45OK, I don't want... If I lost, I want to lose slowly.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47LAUGHTER
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Start with a one at least.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54- One...- Come on!
0:37:54 > 0:37:55..50...
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Oh, no, come on.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59I'm just teasing you.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02APPLAUSE
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Sorry, I'm letting you down gently, is what I'm doing.
0:38:09 > 0:38:13- One... - Ugh, do it slow, do it slow.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15- ..40... - Ugh... Please say two.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19- Come on.- ..two.- Yeah!
0:38:19 > 0:38:21AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:38:23 > 0:38:27My hair's standing on end, cos it's another two.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30I mean, seriously, a 142.2.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Staggering, absolutely staggering.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39How'd you do that? How did you do that?
0:38:43 > 0:38:45CHEERING INTENSIFIES
0:38:46 > 0:38:48DANIEL GIGGLES
0:38:48 > 0:38:52That's the fastest anybody's ever gone round our track.
0:38:52 > 0:38:53- HE EXHALES - I feel better.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56In any of our reasonably priced cars.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00It'll be fun next year
0:39:00 > 0:39:03when you get back on the circuit with that time.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05That is genuinely remarkable.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09I'm staggered because I... Lewis has hung himself.
0:39:09 > 0:39:13Oh, and by the way, matey boy, you want to...?
0:39:13 > 0:39:14LAUGHTER
0:39:16 > 0:39:18In the same car, it turns out that
0:39:18 > 0:39:22the Aussie has just beaten the Brit, it's the Ashes all over again.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25This is how I felt after Canada. I didn't know what to say.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28So we've actually made a man happier than winning a grand prix.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32Ladies and gentlemen, he's done it! Daniel Ricciardo!
0:39:34 > 0:39:37Just... I'm really, that's... I never thought...
0:39:39 > 0:39:42You know that wasn't a fluke, don't you?
0:39:42 > 0:39:46You know he did three laps exactly the same time? Three times.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49- That's why he's...you know. - Yeah, yeah.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53Now, tonight, we have made three ambulances, and to be honest,
0:39:53 > 0:39:56there have been a few niggles and minor teething troubles.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Yeah. For example, not one of them
0:39:58 > 0:40:02has yet delivered a patient to a hospital alive.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03- LAUGHTER - No. Nevertheless,
0:40:03 > 0:40:05the producer said we had to go off
0:40:05 > 0:40:09and build a Thunderbirds-style International Rescue facility
0:40:09 > 0:40:13where we would be on hand with our ambulances 24 hours a day,
0:40:13 > 0:40:16ready to respond at a moment's notice.
0:40:19 > 0:40:20This is it.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22And inside the command module,
0:40:22 > 0:40:25we were waiting for our first emergency.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27- GAME BUZZES - Have you heard about this
0:40:27 > 0:40:31Jewish volunteer ambulance service called Hatzolah?
0:40:31 > 0:40:33No. JAMES LAUGHS
0:40:33 > 0:40:36No, honestly, I'm not joking, it's unbelievable. The NHS response time
0:40:36 > 0:40:41in Britain for a life-threatening situation is eight minutes.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44They get there in New York - in New York, which is busy -
0:40:44 > 0:40:46in four minutes.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48- That's from the call? - That's from the call.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Four minutes later, they're there.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53There's 1,000 of them in New York, OK, and they're normal people,
0:40:53 > 0:40:55they're builders, teachers, whatever - they're trained.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58And they keep with them in their cars, at all times,
0:40:58 > 0:41:01defibrillators, medicine - all the things you need.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04It's a brilliant idea. And we should be aiming for
0:41:04 > 0:41:06these response times.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09- It takes me two minutes to shut the back door!- He has a point.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11ALARM BLARES
0:41:11 > 0:41:14Ooh, gentlemen, incoming message.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16What a remarkable printer.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20"A meteorite has landed on the town of Theale.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22"There are many casualties.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24"Points will be awarded for whichever one of you
0:41:24 > 0:41:28"gets one of those casualties to the hospital in the quickest time."
0:41:28 > 0:41:33This is it. International Rescue has been summoned, Thunderbirds are go!
0:41:33 > 0:41:36THUNDERBIRDS THEME TUNE
0:42:10 > 0:42:12ENGINE ROARS
0:42:17 > 0:42:19I'm power-sliding in an ambulance!
0:42:30 > 0:42:32ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:42:35 > 0:42:37Coming through.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Yeah!
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Dig down, Cosworth power.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47'Naturally, we soon encountered heavy traffic,
0:42:47 > 0:42:49'but we were ready for that.'
0:42:49 > 0:42:51Engaging siren.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55LOUDSPEAKER: # Aah, aah, aah, aah Stayin' alive, stayin' alive... #
0:42:55 > 0:42:57Come on, go!
0:42:58 > 0:43:01Can you not see I'm an ambulance?
0:43:01 > 0:43:03# ..Ali-i-ive... #
0:43:03 > 0:43:07Yeah, Stayin' Alive, it's reassuring for the patient...
0:43:07 > 0:43:10but it doesn't really say "siren" to other road users.
0:43:12 > 0:43:16Get out of the way, you normal ambulance! Come on!
0:43:16 > 0:43:19'My siren, like my ambulance,
0:43:19 > 0:43:22'was designed to scare people out of the way.'
0:43:22 > 0:43:26KLAXON BLARES
0:43:26 > 0:43:29'Annoyingly, though, it didn't really work.'
0:43:29 > 0:43:31GLASS SMASHES
0:43:31 > 0:43:33KLAXON CONTINUES
0:43:33 > 0:43:36AIR-RAID SIREN
0:43:39 > 0:43:42He's not scared at all.
0:43:42 > 0:43:45'If Hammond's siren wasn't working, James's didn't have a prayer.'
0:43:45 > 0:43:48- LOUDSPEAKER:- I know it's slightly annoying,
0:43:48 > 0:43:51but could you be an awfully good sport
0:43:51 > 0:43:54and move out of the way of the ambulance? Thank you.
0:43:56 > 0:44:00'When we arrived in Theale, we split up to look
0:44:00 > 0:44:02'for the meteorite crash site.'
0:44:02 > 0:44:05Oh, God, the place is a mess!
0:44:05 > 0:44:07Look at the damn... Oh, no, this isn't the site,
0:44:07 > 0:44:09is it? this is just...Theale.
0:44:10 > 0:44:12TYRES SCREECH
0:44:12 > 0:44:16We've got everything we need. Blood, oxygen, Nurofen.
0:44:16 > 0:44:18TYRES SCREECH
0:44:18 > 0:44:22Hydraulic handbrake, very important in a ram-bulance.
0:44:22 > 0:44:25The Hatzolah ambulance service will be watching this
0:44:25 > 0:44:28with their mouths...agog!
0:44:30 > 0:44:35Four minutes call-out time, Hatzolah are the people to beat.
0:44:41 > 0:44:43TYRES SCREECH
0:44:43 > 0:44:44Yeah, temporarily lost.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49Has anybody seen a meteorite? I mean, it can't be...
0:44:51 > 0:44:56I can't see anything that's been damaged by a meteorite.
0:44:56 > 0:44:59This is getting irritating!
0:44:59 > 0:45:01TYRES SCREECH
0:45:08 > 0:45:1240 minutes later, two of us arrived.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15'Relax, people, I'M here.'
0:45:16 > 0:45:18Oh, my God. Look at this.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24Yeah, we got a lot of casualties here.
0:45:24 > 0:45:26VAN REVS
0:45:26 > 0:45:28Oh, here comes Hammond.
0:45:30 > 0:45:33Do you just have the fire brigade following you around...
0:45:33 > 0:45:36- as a matter of course? - Oh, yeah, it does do that.
0:45:36 > 0:45:39I didn't think it was going to be a real meteorite strike.
0:45:39 > 0:45:42- I mean, that's...- No, it is. - ..actually happened.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44Go on, then.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47"Each of the casualties is fitted with a timer showing how long
0:45:47 > 0:45:50"they have before they die.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52"This lets you know how long you have
0:45:52 > 0:45:54"before they must reach the hospital. However..."
0:45:54 > 0:45:56FIRE EXTINGUISHER BLASTS
0:45:56 > 0:45:59"However, each time they are jolted or bashed,
0:45:59 > 0:46:02"the timer will jump forwards ten seconds."
0:46:02 > 0:46:05- How long's on the timers? - Well, I don't know.
0:46:05 > 0:46:08I presume depending on how wounded they are.
0:46:08 > 0:46:09Oh, so it'll be different.
0:46:09 > 0:46:12So we've got to choose one with the longest amount of time.
0:46:12 > 0:46:18- Yeah, exactly. Right.- The race starts in three, two, one - now!
0:46:18 > 0:46:20Right. I'm just going to get in.
0:46:22 > 0:46:2430 seconds, waste of time.
0:46:24 > 0:46:27Two minutes. Mate, I'm sorry.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31BLEEP
0:46:32 > 0:46:34He's got ten minutes. I'm having him.
0:46:34 > 0:46:38Eight minutes 55. It's you, it's you.
0:46:38 > 0:46:42You're in good shape, my man. I can look after you.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47There you go, sir.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50'With the patients carefully loaded...'
0:46:50 > 0:46:52Get in!
0:46:52 > 0:46:54'..Richard and I were on our way.'
0:46:55 > 0:46:58# Aah, aah, aah, aah Stayin' alive... #
0:46:58 > 0:47:01LOUD WHIRRING
0:47:05 > 0:47:08May have collected a cone or two there, sorry.
0:47:14 > 0:47:18We've never lost a patient from Theale on my watch,
0:47:18 > 0:47:20sure as hell not going to lose one now!
0:47:22 > 0:47:25'The roads to the state-of-the-art hospital on the
0:47:25 > 0:47:30'other side of town were littered with abandoned cars.
0:47:30 > 0:47:33'But Hammond and I had decided to get there as fast as possible,
0:47:33 > 0:47:37'even if it meant incurring a few ten-second penalties.'
0:47:37 > 0:47:40MONITOR BLEEPS Don't you worry, sir,
0:47:40 > 0:47:41you just hang on tight.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46Here we go. Rams deployed.
0:47:51 > 0:47:54The thing is, mate, you get a ten-second penalty
0:47:54 > 0:47:56for every single little knock.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01So you may as well have big knocks.
0:48:01 > 0:48:03SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS
0:48:03 > 0:48:08Unsurprisingly, James had decided to adopt a policy of no knocks at all.
0:48:08 > 0:48:11Hello, and welcome aboard the ecnalubma.
0:48:11 > 0:48:13Your recovery is our first priority.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16We realise that you have a choice of ambulances,
0:48:16 > 0:48:18and this is indeed the best one.
0:48:20 > 0:48:22The patient is really annoying me now.
0:48:22 > 0:48:24TYRES SCREECH
0:48:24 > 0:48:26Oh, no, he's broken free!
0:48:28 > 0:48:31Whoa! Dukes Of Hazzard, there it is!
0:48:31 > 0:48:32MONITOR BLEEPS
0:48:32 > 0:48:36Oh, I'm sorry, that's probably ten seconds off your life.
0:48:37 > 0:48:40Meanwhile, in the next street...
0:48:40 > 0:48:42CRUNCHING
0:48:42 > 0:48:45..James had encountered a Peugeot driver.
0:48:47 > 0:48:50Sorry to disturb you, gentleman in the silver Peugeot,
0:48:50 > 0:48:54but this is an ambulance and this is an emergency.
0:48:54 > 0:48:58It really is a matter of great importance that you
0:48:58 > 0:49:00make way for the ambulance, thank you.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Move, man!
0:49:16 > 0:49:19- Whoops-a-daisy. - MONITOR BLEEPS
0:49:21 > 0:49:24CRUNCHING AND REVVING
0:49:24 > 0:49:25No. Oh...
0:49:28 > 0:49:31- LOUDSPEAKER:- I've been reasonably polite about this so far,
0:49:31 > 0:49:34- I would like you to get out of the- BLEEP- way.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38Thanks to our exuberant driving,
0:49:38 > 0:49:41my patient and Hammond's had lost a lot of life.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44So we decided to go even faster.
0:49:46 > 0:49:48We're on our way to hospital.
0:49:50 > 0:49:53# ..Stayin' alive Aah, aah, aah, aah... #
0:49:53 > 0:49:55Ramming!
0:49:55 > 0:50:03# ..Ali-i-i-i-ve... #
0:50:03 > 0:50:07I think my man is suffering. Reassuring tunes coming up.
0:50:07 > 0:50:10- # Come on, baby - Don't fear the reaper
0:50:10 > 0:50:13- # Baby, take my hand - Don't fear the reaper
0:50:13 > 0:50:16# We'll be able to fly... #
0:50:19 > 0:50:22'Following my encounter with the infernal Peugeot,
0:50:22 > 0:50:25'I'd also thrown caution to the wind.'
0:50:25 > 0:50:28Hang on, fellow, we're making up the lost time.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35Short cut.
0:50:35 > 0:50:37Watch this.
0:50:38 > 0:50:39MONITOR BLEEPS
0:50:39 > 0:50:41Cock.
0:50:42 > 0:50:45- MONITOR BLEEPS - Cocking Nora.
0:50:49 > 0:50:52Well, I've lost a few seconds in that.
0:50:53 > 0:50:57Oh, no, I've got a Porsche ambulance behind me.
0:50:57 > 0:50:59Hammond, get out of my way!
0:50:59 > 0:51:02I'm coming through in a Porsche Turbo!
0:51:05 > 0:51:07Brakes are definitely fading.
0:51:11 > 0:51:14This is the trouble with the privatised ambulance service
0:51:14 > 0:51:16that we have created here.
0:51:16 > 0:51:19It's a race, really.
0:51:22 > 0:51:24Beautifully controlled...
0:51:24 > 0:51:26Patient rested.
0:51:28 > 0:51:31Hammond, move, move, move!
0:51:31 > 0:51:33Right, nitrous.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35Whoa!
0:51:35 > 0:51:38BANG Argh!
0:51:38 > 0:51:39MONITOR BLEEPS
0:51:39 > 0:51:42He's gone, he's gone, and he's gone badly wrong.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44Hammond has stuffed it!
0:51:47 > 0:51:50Nearly there, sorry about the noise, you'll be fine!
0:51:54 > 0:51:57Sorry. They couldn't get a lot done in ten seconds.
0:51:57 > 0:52:00# ..Don't fear the reaper... #
0:52:00 > 0:52:04We're getting near the hospital now. Stay with me, stay with me!
0:52:07 > 0:52:10Oh, yes. First at the hospital.
0:52:12 > 0:52:15That is a victory.
0:52:24 > 0:52:27Damn it, May is already there!
0:52:27 > 0:52:30But my patient is still alive, OK.
0:52:32 > 0:52:33Ready, boot opening.
0:52:33 > 0:52:37Patient-delivery system engaged. Here we go!
0:52:40 > 0:52:42Oh!
0:52:46 > 0:52:48Mm-mm-mm-mmm!
0:52:48 > 0:52:53I give you one alive patient, delivered to a hospital.
0:52:53 > 0:52:55- Ahem.- Where is yours?
0:52:55 > 0:52:57Oh, he's, um...he got better.
0:52:57 > 0:52:59- Did he?- Yeah.- Did he?
0:52:59 > 0:53:02I did say, did I not, at the beginning of this item,
0:53:02 > 0:53:05"The process of recovery begins in the club-class ambulance."
0:53:05 > 0:53:08- And in fact, it works. - James, where is he?
0:53:08 > 0:53:11- In the pub, I imagine. - He can't be in the pub,
0:53:11 > 0:53:14he was wounded, he was dying, got ten minutes to live!
0:53:17 > 0:53:19ENGINE ROARS
0:53:19 > 0:53:21Right, down here.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23MONITOR BLEEPS This looks good.
0:53:23 > 0:53:26Ah, wait a minute, here he comes.
0:53:26 > 0:53:29And now - coup de grace.
0:53:29 > 0:53:31Patient to hospital.
0:53:31 > 0:53:35GLASS SHATTERS
0:53:35 > 0:53:38Hammond, you blithering idiot!
0:53:42 > 0:53:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:53:45 > 0:53:47Thank you.
0:53:47 > 0:53:50Well, there we are. Despite Hammond's catastrophic failure
0:53:50 > 0:53:51at the end there,
0:53:51 > 0:53:55I think there were a number of very important points made in that film.
0:53:55 > 0:53:58But now we must work out which of our ambulances
0:53:58 > 0:54:02- was the best.- Absolutely, and over here we have the scoreboard.
0:54:02 > 0:54:05And we start with the drag race. Now, Jeremy, you won that.
0:54:05 > 0:54:10- I did.- So you get ten points. Uh, I came second, I get five.
0:54:10 > 0:54:14Richard Hammond, you were last, and for that you get nought.
0:54:14 > 0:54:16Yep, OK, fair enough. Then we move on to lap times.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19Now, remember, you get a point for every second your ambulance
0:54:19 > 0:54:23got round the track driven by the Stig in under three minutes.
0:54:23 > 0:54:26I get 43 points, there we go.
0:54:26 > 0:54:31- Jeremy, you did it in...- 2.24. - So you get, uh, it's 36.
0:54:31 > 0:54:34- 36 points. - Yeah. And now, James, um...
0:54:34 > 0:54:36LAUGHTER
0:54:36 > 0:54:41Yours works out, I'm afraid, at minus 568 there.
0:54:41 > 0:54:43- Rubbish! - No, I'm afraid your tailgate
0:54:43 > 0:54:46coming down, that let you down badly.
0:54:46 > 0:54:49All right, never mind. Let's move on - medical procedures.
0:54:49 > 0:54:51Now, uh, I performed two of those,
0:54:51 > 0:54:55you get seven points for each one, so I got 14 points.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58Richard Hammond, you actually performed three,
0:54:58 > 0:55:00so you get 21 points.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02Uh, no, hang on a minute.
0:55:02 > 0:55:05I did four, because I did the intestines, the catheter,
0:55:05 > 0:55:06the drip and I did the airway.
0:55:06 > 0:55:08Yeah, but you weren't asked to do the airway.
0:55:08 > 0:55:11- Yes, but I did it.- You could've done a breast enlargement,
0:55:11 > 0:55:13it wouldn't have made any difference to your points.
0:55:13 > 0:55:15You were asked to do three things, you did them,
0:55:15 > 0:55:18- stop moaning. What did I get?- Yeah, well, this is the interesting thing,
0:55:18 > 0:55:20- because you, I'm afraid, got nought. - Oh, that's cos
0:55:20 > 0:55:23I was rather transfixed by my patient's...thing.
0:55:23 > 0:55:25# Trust in me... #
0:55:25 > 0:55:28No, I was. I went round one corner, it nearly went in my mouth.
0:55:28 > 0:55:30- LAUGHTER - Yes.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32That would've been bad.
0:55:32 > 0:55:34Let's move on to value.
0:55:34 > 0:55:37- Uh, Richard Hammond, yours was the most expensive.- It was.
0:55:37 > 0:55:39- Can you believe it? - I know. Well...
0:55:39 > 0:55:41Difficult, but, uh, you get nought.
0:55:41 > 0:55:45Uh, Jeremy Clarkson, yours was very slightly cheaper, so you get five.
0:55:45 > 0:55:50Mine was very much cheaper, at just £1,800, I get ten.
0:55:50 > 0:55:53- Ten points there. - OK, moving on. Now, sirens.
0:55:53 > 0:55:56- Mine, uh, was rubbish, really, I'll confess.- It was.
0:55:56 > 0:56:00- It was. So I get nought there. - It was childish and rubbish.
0:56:00 > 0:56:02Jeremy, yours didn't work either, did it?
0:56:02 > 0:56:04It didn't. Wasn't childish, it just didn't work.
0:56:04 > 0:56:06It was rubbish.
0:56:06 > 0:56:11James, you get minus 461 for that one.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13How do you work that out?
0:56:13 > 0:56:16Well, because not only was your siren inaudible,
0:56:16 > 0:56:18but it doesn't actually say "ambulance"
0:56:18 > 0:56:20- on the front of your ambulance. - Yes, it does!- It doesn't.
0:56:20 > 0:56:22Look, you've written the word backwards,
0:56:22 > 0:56:25but you've got the letters the right way around still.
0:56:25 > 0:56:28Yes, I know, but the shop where I went
0:56:28 > 0:56:30didn't have back-to-front ambulance lettering.
0:56:30 > 0:56:32Yes, yes, and as a result of that,
0:56:32 > 0:56:35- you are now on exactly minus 1,000. - Yes, you are.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37- LAUGHTER - That's absolutely remarkable.
0:56:37 > 0:56:40That's incredible. Incredible maths, but there we are.
0:56:40 > 0:56:42It doesn't matter, I'm going to claw something back here.
0:56:42 > 0:56:44The race to the hospital.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46Yeah, you are. Because you came first.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48For that, you get ten points.
0:56:48 > 0:56:51- Jeremy, you came second, so it's five points for you.- Yes.
0:56:51 > 0:56:56And I came stone-dead last, so I get no points on that particular one.
0:56:56 > 0:56:57Oh, now look, here we are.
0:56:57 > 0:57:01James is back to... yeah, minus 990.
0:57:01 > 0:57:04He's catching up. Right, delivery systems.
0:57:04 > 0:57:06Now, mine didn't really work, did it?
0:57:06 > 0:57:10No, well, your door didn't work one time, and you fired a man
0:57:10 > 0:57:12through a window the second time, so that's definitely no.
0:57:12 > 0:57:14Yeah, that did happen.
0:57:14 > 0:57:18James, you didn't actually have a patient to deliver.
0:57:18 > 0:57:21- No, you didn't.- So I'm afraid you get minus ten for that.
0:57:21 > 0:57:24Oh, no. All gone wrong.
0:57:24 > 0:57:27Yeah, Jeremy, yours did work.
0:57:27 > 0:57:30It did, so you get five points. Right.
0:57:30 > 0:57:33So hang on a minute, hang on, hang on, hang on...this is close.
0:57:33 > 0:57:37Not with you, obviously, James, but Hammond and I,
0:57:37 > 0:57:40I'm only now... I'm only three points behind you.
0:57:40 > 0:57:42And we arrive at this bit.
0:57:42 > 0:57:45OK, this is the condition of the patient when he arrived...
0:57:45 > 0:57:47Well, I say "he", the "she", whatever it was.
0:57:47 > 0:57:49- ..arrived at the hospital.- Yeah.
0:57:49 > 0:57:52So, ahem, here we go. James May...
0:57:52 > 0:57:54- Yes.- Your patient condition was...
0:57:54 > 0:57:56Missing.
0:57:56 > 0:57:59- LAUGHTER - Yes. Presumed dead.
0:57:59 > 0:58:01- Yeah, dead.- So you score...
0:58:01 > 0:58:03- Uh, nought.- Right, nought.
0:58:03 > 0:58:06- The condition of Hammond's patient? - Dead.
0:58:06 > 0:58:09- Right, so he scores...- Nought.
0:58:09 > 0:58:11Ahem, and the condition of my patient?
0:58:11 > 0:58:14Your patient, Jeremy, was alive.
0:58:15 > 0:58:18- And so I score...?- One.
0:58:20 > 0:58:24- What do you mean, one? - It's nought for dead, one for alive.
0:58:24 > 0:58:27I was the only one of the three of us
0:58:27 > 0:58:30who got a patient to a hospital alive, and that matters!
0:58:30 > 0:58:33Yes, and that's why you got that point.
0:58:33 > 0:58:35So you're saying that because I only get one point,
0:58:35 > 0:58:39I'm... That means I now lose to you,
0:58:39 > 0:58:43even though your van was slow, expensive,
0:58:43 > 0:58:46its brakes caught fire every time you tried to
0:58:46 > 0:58:48slow down, and it killed everybody who got into the back of it.
0:58:48 > 0:58:50Yep.
0:58:50 > 0:58:53And the only reason you won is because you happened to be
0:58:53 > 0:58:55good at putting a tube in a ladyboy's sausage.
0:58:55 > 0:58:58- Yep.- Which means that you, Richard Hammond,
0:58:58 > 0:59:02have single-handedly ruined the National Health Service.
0:59:02 > 0:59:04Yep.
0:59:04 > 0:59:06And on that bombshell, it's time to end.
0:59:06 > 0:59:09Thank you so much for watching. See you again next week.
0:59:09 > 0:59:10Good night.