0:00:16 > 0:00:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Hello, good evening,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24and welcome
0:00:24 > 0:00:27to a Top Gear Nativity Special.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Tonight, we are the three wise men,
0:00:31 > 0:00:34and our challenge is to get from the East
0:00:34 > 0:00:37to the birthplace of the Baby Jesus here, in Bethlehem.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Yeah, we were told we could make the journey in any car we chose,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45so long as it, A) cost less than £3,500,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49and B) was a two-seater convertible sports car.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52However, before we even set off, there was a problem.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Because, you see, in order to go to Bethlehem,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58we had to drive through Israel, and for political reasons
0:00:58 > 0:01:03the Israelis aren't very happy about cars from any of these countries
0:01:03 > 0:01:06coming across their border.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09So we had to get our wheels from up here,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12in the former Soviet republic of Georgia,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15and ship them to the start point in a Russian transport plane.
0:01:15 > 0:01:20Trouble is, we didn't know where the start point was.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47I've been quite brave with my choice of car - Fiat Barchetta.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52I used to have one of these, but this isn't just any Barchetta, it's a Riviera special edition.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Black paint, red quilted leather, it's beautiful.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58You haven't been brave, you've been stupid.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- It's beautiful!- It's stupid, it's a Fiat.- Look at that.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I have been a wise man.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I have bought a Mazda MX-5.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Yeah, the boring, obvious choice.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12That's why I originally bought myself one of those.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Yes, because, listen, every time we do one of these trips,
0:02:16 > 0:02:20every time, I get the interesting car that's in a cloud of steam.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23This time, wherever we're going, this will make it. You know that.
0:02:28 > 0:02:33As you'd expect, I've been the wisest and I've done this properly.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38I've combined European stylishness with legendary German reliability,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40in this BMW Z3.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I didn't know...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47We're banking, aren't we?
0:02:47 > 0:02:53I didn't know you could get a Z3 for less than £3,500.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- You can't. - Well, how much did you pay for it?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57I rounded it up.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- How...?- £3,966.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Well, that's more than the budget, you've spent too much!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05So we're not three wise men -
0:03:05 > 0:03:08we're one wise man, an idiot and a cheat.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14'We then started wondering where we might be going.'
0:03:14 > 0:03:19- Oman?- Is it China?- Well, if they came from the East, Norfolk.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Well, I'm telling you, wherever the hell that is, it's not Norwich.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27'We'd find out soon enough, though,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30'because it was time to take our seats for landing.'
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Ah, there we go. Seatbelt fastened.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Throttling back, approach to something.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- ELECTRONIC BUZZING - What the hell are they doing?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Oh, my God!- Ahh!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Oh, my God!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- Oh, my God!- Where the hell is that?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Aaaah...!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- Oh, no!- Aaah!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Hammond! Put your handbrake on!
0:04:01 > 0:04:05If the straps break, I'm... Ah!
0:04:06 > 0:04:11A-a-a-ah!
0:04:11 > 0:04:12I just saw a runway.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Undercarriage is down. Here we go, we're landing.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Here we are, levelling off. Levelling off.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Land it, land it!
0:04:40 > 0:04:45- Please, land!- What's he doing? He's missed the runway.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48A-a-a-ah!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53A-a-a-ah!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04We're coming in again.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Land it this time, sunshine.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- PLANE'S TYRES SCREECH - We're down.- Whoa!
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Well, we're here. Wherever here is, we've arrived.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38'And now we'd find out exactly where "here" was.'
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- You can't tell anything by looking out there.- Gentlemen, look who's arrived. We have the...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49What are they?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51They are flak jackets.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Wow.- Why?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- That is real bullet-proof.- Kevlar.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Bullet-proof jackets.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02What have we got to do?
0:06:07 > 0:06:08- Oh, God.- What?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Go on.- You have landed in Iraq.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- I've heard of that.- Give up.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Bethlehem is 1,200 miles away,
0:06:23 > 0:06:27but between here and there there are a few wars.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Best of luck, and don't forget to pick up some gold,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32frankincense and myrrh on the way.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Yeah, enough of the myrrh and stuff, but Iraq?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- That's Iraq?- That is Iraq.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43God.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Well, we've got to get off the plane.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Well, you go first.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I can't go first, can I? Because you're parked in the way.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Can we get...
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- We'll all go at the same time. - Yeah, we'll be right behind you.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- All just go three, two, one, go.- Go.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Everybody know what we're doing?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07We'll go on three, two, one, all three out, decent speed, yeah?
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Yeah.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Yeah.- OK.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Is everybody running?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Handbrakes off.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Anybody want to talk about anything? No, let's just do it, OK,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22if we're ready. In...
0:07:22 > 0:07:26three, two, one, go!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40You bastards!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Did you stall?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Yes, I did.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50I'm taking evasive action.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Where are you?- "Did you make it?"
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I'm alive, I'm hiding in a big shed.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Right, James, in three, two, one, go.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Here we go.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Come on!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- You BEEP. Where where you? - I'm really sorry, Hammo.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Thanks for leaving me on my own to draw the fire.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Right.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37'Having successfully covered 300 yards,
0:08:37 > 0:08:41'we got the map out so we could plan our next move.'
0:08:41 > 0:08:45According to the sign on the back of that fire engine over there...
0:08:46 > 0:08:48..we are in Arbil, here.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Bethlehem's there.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53So, first thing's first, you would agree,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56we've got to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Now, the nearest border's Turkey, but there's no road up there,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02so if we go into Iran...
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Hang on, Bethlehem's over here, isn't it?
0:09:06 > 0:09:07- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Well, that's the way we want to go.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad, perhaps.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Have you ever seen a television programme called "the news"?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I'm aware of it.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Trust me, Mosul is properly dangerous.- Really bad, is it?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24That's as bad as it gets anywhere in the world right now.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27And that's where we are? That's where it's really bad?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29We are less than a fingers-width away.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33So, up there, into Iran,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36into Turkey, and then down there
0:09:36 > 0:09:38and that way, so we miss...
0:09:38 > 0:09:41we can get out of Iraq and then go round it.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Sounds like a plan.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47So the wise men from the East are setting off east.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- East.- North-east.- Yeah.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53And so, with a hastily-organised route mapped out,
0:09:53 > 0:09:59we climbed into our cars, which were not armoured Humvees, and set off.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11All those things we hear about on the news, the mines, the IEDs,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14the car bombs, they're all here somewhere.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17How do you know how to spot them?
0:10:19 > 0:10:24Can I just say, if I'm kidnapped, I don't want to hear any of this,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27"Well, we don't give in to kidnap demands". Just pay.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I don't want to be beheaded on the internet.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36I bet Richard Hammond is regretting buying a pretty little Fiat now.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I just realised that being at the front, I'm the first target.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45The clever thing to do would be in the middle.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49'Annoyingly, the other two had exactly the same idea.'
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Oh, no, you don't.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57You idiot!
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Oh, you cock!
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Oh, May!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07We were so busy trying to get in the middle,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10we weren't looking where we were going.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13And soon, we were lost.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20We've definitely made a wrong turning.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22This cannot be the way out of town, look at it.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, deary me.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40This isn't a main road, now, is it?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I'm very uneasy here.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Really bad.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54I'm sorry, guys, this is just the perfect place for an ambush.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Look how high everything is around as.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01Go round the corner and check it out for us.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I'm not going round...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I am going round. Hammond, don't be an arse!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Hammond, stop it. Hammond! Hammond!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Tell us what it's like, tell us what you can see.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16What I could see was a route back to civilisation.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19We were in the clear.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21And then, we weren't.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24HORNS HONKING
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Oh God, that's catastrophic.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29RATTLING
0:12:29 > 0:12:32It's minutes from complete death, this thing.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35CUTS OUT
0:12:35 > 0:12:36In fact, there it is.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45I think what's happened is some pistons have fused.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Still, at least we're in a part of town where I'm sure there's a BMW dealer.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54It's let you down badly, mate, your wisest choice of all.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I heard him on the plane, "I'm the wisest..."
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- "I'm the wisest of them all". - Is this helping?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03No, I was going to say, I love the way you are so constructive
0:13:03 > 0:13:05in these moments of great peril.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10James fashioned an inspection pit out of a nearby open sewer
0:13:10 > 0:13:12and told us to go away.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17I'm just thinking, I know we're not supposed to just wander off, but...
0:13:20 > 0:13:23That's Iraq. Right there.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25You know, I was just thinking how you stand here,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28there's a kitchen supplier here,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31and there's a schoolboy there with his tie on,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33and everything's normal.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38But it just takes one in a million to be not normal.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- It just takes one... - TYRES SCREECH
0:13:40 > 0:13:42See, a noise like that,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44one person,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47and then it's not a normal place at all.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I didn't jump at that noise.
0:13:51 > 0:13:56'James's ultimate driving machine soon began to annoy the locals.'
0:13:56 > 0:13:58You want to go here?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01'But then there was a development.'
0:14:01 > 0:14:06- Good news.- What?- There is a back-up car on this journey,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I've just been told by the producers.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Oh great, I expect it's an XKR convertible?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14It's behind you.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Oh, God.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Is that a 1.6 Astra convertible?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Yes it is, and it's utterly... - It's terrible.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25It's the worst convertible in the world.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- It's a sponge cake with no flavour. - Yeah, it's a dreadful car.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31This has filled me with a sense of relief.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34We were going to leave him and he would have been...
0:14:35 > 0:14:38But now we can go knowing he's going to be OK.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- It makes it easier for us to follow the code.- It does.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Do you know what?- What? - It does, goodbye.- Yes, goodbye.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Car OK?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Yes, in every way.- The Fiat's fine.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01James was hoping to mend his car without attracting too much attention.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02However...
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Hands out!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14'Spurred on by the wretched Astra,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17'I finally brought Lazarus back to life.'
0:15:17 > 0:15:18ENGINE TURNS OVER
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Yes!
0:15:20 > 0:15:22CHEERING
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Well, I wouldn't have been able to do it without those meddling kids.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30'But then, 20 minutes later...'
0:15:30 > 0:15:32RATTLING
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Oh, cock!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37'I'd done 11 miles,
0:15:37 > 0:15:42'and since there were 1,989 to go, I found a workshop
0:15:42 > 0:15:46'and then I found that the cylinders were full of water.'
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Right, it's ten to one,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52the engine is as disassembled as it needs to be,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55here's the new cylinder head gasket, that will go on,
0:15:55 > 0:15:59the engine will go back together and hopefully keep me out of the Astra.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00I hope that works, though.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08The next morning, we left Arbil with our colleague in...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11..his BMW.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I wish the Astra would stop just driving right behind me.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20He's made his point. I've triumphed over him,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22so he can sod off, frankly.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26In the end, Arbil had felt quite safe.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29But, as we drove into the countryside,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31there were more and more military checkpoints.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Scary guards. Scary guards.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Scary guards.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Lot of men, lot of guns.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54As we drove on, it started to rain,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56and the roads became unbelievably slippery.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Holy BEEP.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I've got a tankslapper.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I've gone, I've gone off, that's what I've done.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I've never driven on a road surface like this, ever.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11'And it wasn't just the road...'
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Whoa! Heavens!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15'..that felt very, very dangerous.'
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Oh, I don't like it here.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26We are quite close to the Iranian border,
0:17:26 > 0:17:30and of course the historic relationship between Iraq and Iran
0:17:30 > 0:17:34is not good, and this is quite literally bandit territory.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41If there's a road-block up here and they're not police, what shall we do?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I do know I'm getting drenched, so I'm going to put the roof up.
0:17:47 > 0:17:54Roofs up, we moved off with Jeremy setting an unusually cautious pace.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I doubtless should be telling you all sorts of things about this car.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02I'm just more concerned about not being here at any more.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Even thought the war in Iraq is officially over,
0:18:05 > 0:18:101,000 people a year are still being killed by roadside bombs alone.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15This is how you go round a corner in Iraq -
0:18:15 > 0:18:19creep in about one mile an hour, checking the apex,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23checking the sightlines, don't like the look of that, backing up.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31As we crawled along, I had a brainwave which I was eager to share,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33so we pulled over at an underground market
0:18:33 > 0:18:36which had a waterfall and a river in it.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43I've called you together because I know how to make my car bullet-proof.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Oh, yeah?- Really?- No...
0:18:45 > 0:18:50I am going to take the door linings off and fill the doors with sand,
0:18:50 > 0:18:56and put the doors back on, so you're driving around with two sandbags on either side of you.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57That's not a bad idea...is it?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- I don't think it'll work. - Does a sandbag stop a bullet?
0:19:00 > 0:19:05- A sandbag, yes.- Why won't a door, a sand door, stop a bullet?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07You're only going to have that much sand.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- No, that much sand. - It's not enough.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- OK, you carry on...- I'd say it was worth a try, actually.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17I hate to say it, cos he thought of it, but actually,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19think about it, it might, it might work.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Meeting over, I bought Hammond a local souvenir.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Would you like a .50 cal bullet... - Yeah?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29..which is...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31a cigarette lighter?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36And then we went to find a quiet spot for my experiment.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Careful, you got a bit in the door.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Shut up. - Only a little bit, but...- Shut up.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Behold. That will stop the round.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- That would stop an RPG.- Yeah. - You'll notice...
0:19:51 > 0:19:54'My armoured Mazda was ready for testing, so I brought in
0:19:54 > 0:19:56'our armed security man,
0:19:56 > 0:20:00'who had learned in the Special Forces how to have a pixellated face.'
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Observe, if you will, the 9mm entrance hole, yes?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Shall we have a look to see how much of it has gone through?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14It's gone straight through.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17'And it had kept going.'
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Oh, Lord!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Oh, God! How's that happened?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26It knocked bits of bullet or bits of doorframe...
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- So the bullet shatters and... - ..turns into more bullets.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- Yeah. You're going to be all right in there, mate.- Nothing to see here.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39With 30 miles to go to the Iranian border,
0:20:39 > 0:20:43James calmed his nerves with a little carol concert.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46# We three blokes from BBC Two
0:20:46 > 0:20:49# One colour gold car, one colour poo,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52# Oh-oh, brought the wrong cars, brought the right,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55# Working heater, working lights,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59# Westward-going Gasket maybe blowing
0:20:59 > 0:21:00# What a piece of sh...
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I believe that town ahead of us
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- is the last town before the border.- Yes!
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Sorry.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28This is it, chaps. Sort out the paperwork.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31See you in a sec.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32That's a relief.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- My headlights aren't very good. - No, mine aren't.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41'Jeremy was back rather quickly.'
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Right.- Bad news.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47What?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52For political reasons, the BBC is not allowed into Iran.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Not allowed?- You what? - No-one from the BBC...
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I thought it was just BBC News, but the whole BBC
0:21:58 > 0:22:02is not allowed in Iran so we can't cross the border.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04A car show isn't allowed into...?
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Never mind... Let's not get bogged down. We aren't allowed in.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10So Ant and Dec can come here?
0:22:10 > 0:22:15- Ant and Dec, Simon Cowell, Chris Tarrant...- Fifth Gear?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Fifth Gear.- Emmerdale Farm?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- Emmerdale Farm but not David Attenborough, not us.- Springwatch?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26'We consulted the map and the situation was bleak.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27'East was now out.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29'Baghdad was to the south
0:22:29 > 0:22:33'and the Al-Qaeda stronghold of Mosul was to the west.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36'Our only option was to go back down the mountain road
0:22:36 > 0:22:41'and try and find a safe road north into Turkey.'
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I bet the original three wise men never had this problem.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Well, they weren't BBC, were they?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52We thought it too risky to tackle the mountain road at night,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55so now we had to find somewhere to stay.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59There is nothing even remotely hotelish.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02We're travelling at night, we have nowhere to stay.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Probably the worst thing we could do right now.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Lights ahead, chaps.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21The following morning, it turned out
0:23:21 > 0:23:25we'd stayed at an Iraqi amusement park, which was a bit weird.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36That's Richard Hammond.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48While we were on the rides, we realised something.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51We'd been in Iraq for two days and we hadn't been shot even once,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54or blown up or beheaded on the internet.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58In short, we had an epiphany.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I'm not wearing this any more.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- I'm glad you said that. - I haven't felt in need of this.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Ahhh...
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I'm glad we're not going to Iran,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13cos I'm sorry, I know this is Iraq, OK,
0:24:13 > 0:24:18but it's the Kurdistan region of Iraq so it's full of Kurds.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20They're all lovely.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Everybody's very friendly. It's about as dangerous as Cheltenham.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29So come on, the sun is out, three convertible sports cars, we're in the mountains.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31We can go down the same road again, but enjoy it.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Wow! Business as usual.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47This is incredible. I'm in a Mazda MX-5,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49plunging through Iraq.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Ah ha-ha!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56With the fear gone, we could for the first time
0:24:56 > 0:24:58think about the cars we'd bought.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Come on then, little Barchetta, let's see what you've got.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09The weird thing is, of the three,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12this is the least like a traditional roadster.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16It's front-wheel-drive, it's based on a Fiat Punto underneath.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19But this is a glorious little car.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22The whole front wheel-drive issue just doesn't matter.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26This feels special and that's all that matters
0:25:26 > 0:25:27in a two-seater roadster.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33As you'd expect with an MX-5,
0:25:33 > 0:25:37every single thing on it is perfect.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Apart from some holes in this door.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45How does a bullet split into three parts
0:25:45 > 0:25:47while travelling through a Mazda?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I think it's a sign.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54The Father, the Son and the Holy Door.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Meanwhile, at the back...
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Viewers, strictly between you and me, I may have made a bit of an error.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Erm...
0:26:05 > 0:26:06How can I put it?
0:26:06 > 0:26:10The engine is too small, the suspension is too soft
0:26:10 > 0:26:13and the gaps between the gear ratios are so big,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I could get another gearbox in them.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Come on! And change.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Thank you.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33As we headed deeper into northern Iraq,
0:26:33 > 0:26:37the scenery became even more spectacular.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been anywhere more beautiful.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43It's movingly beautiful.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I am so glad
0:26:51 > 0:26:55we weren't allowed into Iran cos if we were there now,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I wouldn't be seeing this incredible place.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Why were we ever frightened here?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Sadly, not all of Iraq is this peaceful,
0:27:07 > 0:27:11so the next morning we found a road to Turkey and set off,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14still heading away from Bethlehem.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Jeremy's got a dish-dash thing on his head
0:27:22 > 0:27:25which makes him look like Lawrence of Incompetence.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29But at least he had managed to learn a few local words,
0:27:29 > 0:27:33which came in handy at the next filling station.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Just remember,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37"bhedji" is petrol.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39"Bhedji" is bastard.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42So don't, whatever you do, get that wrong.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Is there anybody here?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47'There was...sort of.'
0:27:52 > 0:27:54(I think we'll go to another petrol station.)
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I don't like to wake a man up just for some petrol.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Especially if I accidentally call him a bastard.
0:28:03 > 0:28:08So we trundled onwards and soon we arrived at the scary Turkish border.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Oh... This doesn't feel friendly at all somehow.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- Out the car?- Yes, please.- OK.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36What's he going to do?
0:28:47 > 0:28:48That's a can of...
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Oh...
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- What is this?- I can explain.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55It's... It's erm...it's a lighter.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59- Lighter?- Yeah.- Sorry.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Are you sure?
0:29:01 > 0:29:02Yeah. Can I show it to you... See?
0:29:02 > 0:29:05It erm... If you do that.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Then it... Oh, it doesn't work.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10You are a funny man.
0:29:10 > 0:29:11Yeah. Sorry. Sorry.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16OK, I think I may have just had a wee.
0:29:17 > 0:29:23On the other side of the border, we pulled over for new instructions.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27- They've moved in. - Predictable.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30You idiots.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32- Yes.- Strong.
0:29:32 > 0:29:37You have escaped from a region where there is no war into a region where there is.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42The Kurds are fighting the Turks for independence,
0:29:42 > 0:29:45so if you really are wise men,
0:29:45 > 0:29:49you will get to your hotel in the safe zone by nightfall.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54And more...
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Ah, Foreign Office.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00British Government Foreign Office travel summary.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04We advise against all but essential travel in the provinces of Hakkari,
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Sirnak, Siirt and Tunceli.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Nine attacks this year so far.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15High threat of terrorism.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18This is worse then, than Iraq.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21I thought I'd said goodbye to this.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Is that where we're going?
0:30:23 > 0:30:25We're going to...
0:30:25 > 0:30:27That's 220 miles.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29That's 363 kilometres.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32That's 220 miles.
0:30:32 > 0:30:36We've got 220 miles to do in...
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- Four and a half hours.- Four and a half hours.- Not possible.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47I'm afraid, chaps, this has just become a test
0:30:47 > 0:30:49of who's got the fastest car.
0:30:52 > 0:30:53Here we go...
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Speed saves lives!
0:30:57 > 0:31:01Fast driving here, though, was a perilous business.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04Oh, whoa, bit bumpy there!
0:31:06 > 0:31:08What the hell?
0:31:08 > 0:31:09Oh, God.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11I'd rather be blown up.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14These roads are BLEEP.
0:31:14 > 0:31:19It feels like they just poured some tarmac on to the terrain.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21Oh, no! My hat!
0:31:21 > 0:31:23But despite the discomfort,
0:31:23 > 0:31:27Top Gear's orang-utan decided to go even faster.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29Come on then, you two, come on!
0:31:29 > 0:31:30Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Which went well.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35Oh, God. What the hell?
0:31:35 > 0:31:38- CHUGGING - Guys, I've got a big problem.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Big problem. Big problem.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47CHUGGING AND RATTLING That's the exhaust.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50- Sounds like the exhaust manifold. - It does, it does.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53I think you'll find, chaps, it's just a spark plug that's come out.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55It's always good when that happens.
0:31:55 > 0:31:59At least we're not in a dangerous part of the world.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03- What an ape.- What?- You.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06What? How can I be responsible for a spark plug?
0:32:06 > 0:32:09We're supposed to be three wise men,
0:32:09 > 0:32:12not two wise men, sorry, one of them blew his Mazda up, we left him.
0:32:12 > 0:32:1511 miles, Ted Nugent did.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17Oh, my God.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19# We three kings of Orient are
0:32:19 > 0:32:21# One in a Vauxhall, two in sports cars...
0:32:21 > 0:32:24I don't need you, I don't.
0:32:24 > 0:32:25Thank you for helping me, Richard.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28- Thank you. - But you love doing this, you two.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30This is your favourite thing.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Is the plug not actually...
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Why are you being so annoying today?
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Even by your own standards.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46Eventually, the spark plug was glued back into place.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50But, we were still in the danger zone, and running out of light.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Look at this.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57A bit more serious than those ones we saw in Iraq.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02That is a man surrounded by sandbags.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Sandbags don't work.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Trying to be helpful.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13'Mercifully, though, the road soon improved.'
0:33:13 > 0:33:18Right, looks like we've got ourselves a dual-carriageway here.
0:33:18 > 0:33:19Oh, that's better.
0:33:19 > 0:33:23'But unfortunately, no-one had told the locals how to use it.'
0:33:24 > 0:33:28There's a lorry on the wrong side of the dual-carriageway, guys.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30The wrong way on a dual-carriageway.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40This is bloody suicidal. What are they doing?
0:33:43 > 0:33:48The highway madness meant it was well after dark when we reached safety.
0:33:48 > 0:33:54- My car's running like a pig. - "Mine is as well. Absolute pig."
0:33:54 > 0:33:57"I think that road has basically shaken the engines -
0:33:57 > 0:34:00"quite literally, in my case - to pieces."
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Er, mine's fine.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06If you think about it, who would ever have guessed
0:34:06 > 0:34:08out of the three, a Mazda, a BMW and a Fiat,
0:34:08 > 0:34:11that the Fiat would appear to be holding together best.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Hammond continued boasting all the way to the hotel.
0:34:14 > 0:34:18So that night, after a top level brainstorm,
0:34:18 > 0:34:21we set about the business of revenge.
0:34:21 > 0:34:26Right, so I will disconnect these, which go to that. You with me?
0:34:26 > 0:34:29- Yeah, yeah.- Disconnect these, and then put two new ones on.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31'In short, we disconnect the stereo
0:34:31 > 0:34:34'and wire a hidden new one into the ignition.'
0:34:34 > 0:34:37He's going to have the worst,
0:34:37 > 0:34:42literally the worst journey, in human history.
0:34:42 > 0:34:47So, this is now utterly redundant and not connected up to anything.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51'All we had to now was choose some music he hated.'
0:34:51 > 0:34:53James, I've got the perfect CD.
0:34:57 > 0:34:58Come on.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08The next morning, we discovered this wasn't the best day
0:35:08 > 0:35:10to be giving Hammond sudden surprises.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12It's just... I can't...
0:35:12 > 0:35:13Where have you been?
0:35:13 > 0:35:16News of a slightly inconvenient nature,
0:35:16 > 0:35:18they have arrived.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21The trots.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24- How badly?- Ah.- Really...
0:35:24 > 0:35:27- Is it the brown rain? - Don't go there.- Brown rain?!
0:35:27 > 0:35:29- Don't go there.- Seriously, is it bad?
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Catastrophic.
0:35:31 > 0:35:35It's as if somebody turned on a tap at 3am and left it running.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- If you're having your Boxing Day lunch now, I apologise.- Sorry.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43At least I can rely on the sympathy of my colleagues. That's good.
0:35:43 > 0:35:47- Can I listen to yours on tick-over? - It's beautiful.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51They always make...
0:35:51 > 0:35:54MUSIC BY GENESIS STARTS PLAYING
0:35:57 > 0:35:58I can't stop it!
0:36:00 > 0:36:02I didn't think you liked Genesis.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04I can't stop it!
0:36:05 > 0:36:08Weird.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10You BLEEP!
0:36:10 > 0:36:12What have you done?
0:36:12 > 0:36:15MUSIC CONTINUES
0:36:18 > 0:36:22All right, Genesis. Oh...
0:36:22 > 0:36:26Oh, great. Bloody keyboard solo.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Hammond's day was very miserable.
0:36:32 > 0:36:37But while queuing at the Syrian border, May's became even worse.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42- Nothing to see.- Won't it go?
0:36:42 > 0:36:44I think it's this stupid alarm. Hang on.
0:36:47 > 0:36:48- ELECTRONIC VOICE:- "Armed".
0:36:48 > 0:36:52Armed? Don't say that when you're going into Syria.
0:36:52 > 0:36:53"Disarmed."
0:36:53 > 0:36:54I didn't touch it then.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58'The alarm had totally immobilised the engine.'
0:36:58 > 0:37:00- Come on. Make it go. - It doesn't work.
0:37:00 > 0:37:06So, what with one thing and another, our arrival into Syria was a bit of a shambles.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08GENESIS BLARES
0:37:08 > 0:37:12Stop, stop. Gently, I said. Ah!
0:37:13 > 0:37:16Sorry. Sorry.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19Morning, sorry. I can't - it's broken.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22I can't turn it off. Doesn't work.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26It would take several hours to clear customs,
0:37:26 > 0:37:29so we all set about doing what we had to do.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Ugh...
0:37:34 > 0:37:36"Armed."
0:37:36 > 0:37:37"Disarmed."
0:37:37 > 0:37:39"Armed."
0:37:40 > 0:37:42"Armed."
0:37:43 > 0:37:44"Disarmed."
0:37:44 > 0:37:46RICHARD WHIMPERS
0:37:46 > 0:37:49GUSHING
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Please end. End.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56"The alarm will sound if you don't back away."
0:37:58 > 0:38:02Plague. Red cross, just lets people know there's plague in it.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Yeah. It is comforting having you around, Jeremy.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Eventually, we hammered James's car back into life...
0:38:08 > 0:38:10ENGINE REVS
0:38:10 > 0:38:14- Yes!- ..and we crossed into yet another country.
0:38:14 > 0:38:19We've only been in Syria for half a mile and it's better than Turkey.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21Also, we need to start thinking about gold,
0:38:21 > 0:38:25frankincense and myrrh as a gift for the Baby Jesus.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30For the first time, we three kings of Orient are
0:38:30 > 0:38:32were actually heading towards Bethlehem.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35But when we stopped for a map check,
0:38:35 > 0:38:39we realised our journey was still fraught with problems.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43Right, for political reasons, you cant go from Syria into Israel,
0:38:43 > 0:38:46- because they won't let you. - The border's shut.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Why can't we just go through the Lebanon?
0:38:49 > 0:38:52- The Lebanon into Israel? - That's a great idea!
0:38:52 > 0:38:55You'll find that really tricky. You won't be able to...
0:38:55 > 0:38:58So, we can't go Syria-Israel. We can't do Lebanon-Israel.
0:38:58 > 0:39:03No, but we can, I think, the border between Jordan and Israel is open,
0:39:03 > 0:39:04and quite friendly.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07If we go through Syria into Jordan and then across into Israel.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09- I think you're right.- Yes.
0:39:09 > 0:39:14The only problem we've got is that if the Israelis know we've been in Syria,
0:39:14 > 0:39:16they won't let us in.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18- At the border?- Yeah.
0:39:18 > 0:39:19Well, we've got two passports.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22It's not the passports I'm worried about.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25You go to a country - oh, Top Gear's here! You're on the news.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28The Israelis will say, you've been in Syria, you can't come in.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32- Yeah, but in Syria?- Yeah, it's not like France, or Australia.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34Syria, they won't watch Top Gear.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38You watch Top Gear?
0:39:38 > 0:39:40- MAN:- Yes.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43'At the next town, James's theory rather fell apart.'
0:39:43 > 0:39:44"Top Gear."
0:39:44 > 0:39:48Welcome Captain Slow in Syria. Welcome!
0:39:48 > 0:39:50OK, are we all in? Yes?
0:39:50 > 0:39:52Yes, yes, of course.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54This has gone quite badly wrong now.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58So, we called an emergency meeting.
0:40:00 > 0:40:05There's no way, with that level of Top Gear interest, we'll make it to Bethlehem.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08Literally, it'll take five minutes
0:40:08 > 0:40:11and the news crews will be here, radio stations, newspapers.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13"Top Gear are in Syria." You mark my words.
0:40:13 > 0:40:17We've got to cross Syria without being found.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19We need a plan.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24PROGRAMME OVERDUBBED INTO ARABIC
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Why don't we just avoid the roads?
0:40:34 > 0:40:36If we do that, we avoid the towns.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38- Well, how do we do that? - Cross the desert.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40- The desert?- Yep.
0:40:40 > 0:40:44- Are you proposing we sneak through Syria?- Sneak across it.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47If we find a garage, a workshop,
0:40:47 > 0:40:50modify the cars for desert sneaking...
0:40:50 > 0:40:53- I love the sound of the plan. - I'll give it a go.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55I think it's fantastic.
0:40:56 > 0:41:00So, we found some workshops and cue the music...
0:41:00 > 0:41:04MUSIC: "THE A-TEAM THEME"
0:41:08 > 0:41:10No! No! No!
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Yes. Yes.
0:41:19 > 0:41:20Oh...
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Guys!
0:41:53 > 0:41:56The whole point of going through the desert
0:41:56 > 0:41:58is we're trying to stay out of sight.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00Well, what I have here is a Bedouin tent.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05A small portion has to poke out from the tent
0:42:05 > 0:42:09because I need to see out, and open the bonnet at some point probably,
0:42:09 > 0:42:13so I've disguised it by putting glue on it and covering it in sand
0:42:13 > 0:42:15from the very desert I'm camouflaging it against.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18Anybody looks, it's just a Bedouin tent.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25What I've done here is create a car of many colours. I am Joseph.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Now, I know that in the Bible,
0:42:28 > 0:42:32he was kicked half to death by his brothers and then thrown in a well,
0:42:32 > 0:42:35but he did end up in the West End as Jason Donovan.
0:42:35 > 0:42:40Mechanically, what I've done to cross this vast desert
0:42:40 > 0:42:42is fitted an axle of evil.
0:42:42 > 0:42:49This is now a dually six-wheeled Mazda MX-5.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51Some other features you may have spotted -
0:42:51 > 0:42:55the hubble pipe attached to a bracket which hangs from the bullet-holes.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57That's rather brilliant.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59A spoiler on the back for added traction.
0:42:59 > 0:43:04There's no sand in the world will stop this. Oh, no.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10I've taken my inspiration from the Afrika Korps.
0:43:10 > 0:43:13The tools, the sand channels, and what have you.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15And the Luftwaffe, for the paint scheme.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18It may seem irrelevant, but it is actually very biblical,
0:43:18 > 0:43:21because this - this is the light of the world.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Or will be, when it gets dark.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26And those jerry cans, they hold enough provisions
0:43:26 > 0:43:28for 40 days and nights in the desert.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Forward, schnell!
0:43:34 > 0:43:37We were feeling confident as we pushed deeper
0:43:37 > 0:43:43into 200,000 square miles of absolutely nothing
0:43:43 > 0:43:44and nobody.
0:43:44 > 0:43:47All three have done pretty well, you'll admit.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50- Yeah, yeah. We are wise men.- We are.
0:43:52 > 0:43:56Soon, though, things began to get tricky for Hilda Ogden.
0:43:56 > 0:43:58Quite bumpy, this.
0:43:58 > 0:44:00Very bumpy.
0:44:00 > 0:44:03Quite a bad bit of desert.
0:44:03 > 0:44:08Oh, no! Oh, no!
0:44:08 > 0:44:11A disaster has befallen my wheels.
0:44:13 > 0:44:16Don't need it. Just pop it here.
0:44:18 > 0:44:20'And anyway, I still had one left.'
0:44:22 > 0:44:26Oh, dear! That's not as good as I would have hoped.
0:44:29 > 0:44:32There. I just keep finding these in the desert.
0:44:32 > 0:44:34I don't know where they're coming from.
0:44:34 > 0:44:38Have you decided the extended wheel arches look better inside the car?
0:44:38 > 0:44:41- They're detachable.- Yes, I can see.
0:44:44 > 0:44:48Despite his incompetence, Hilda insisted on leading from the front.
0:44:48 > 0:44:51Follow me, gentlemen, I've found a way.
0:44:51 > 0:44:54- Oh, joy.- You've got to be kidding.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57Nobody will find us down here.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59Follow me.
0:45:00 > 0:45:02THUD
0:45:02 > 0:45:06- Don't follow me.- Oh, God.- Back up.
0:45:11 > 0:45:13Oh, I've reversed... Ah.
0:45:13 > 0:45:15Clarkson, you've just ruined my tent!
0:45:16 > 0:45:19This is not going as well as I'd hoped.
0:45:19 > 0:45:23'To make amends, I offered to cook lunch on my spoiler.'
0:45:24 > 0:45:27The heat of the Syrian desert sun...
0:45:28 > 0:45:31..has been cooking that all day long.
0:45:31 > 0:45:33So we take some... Would you like this?
0:45:33 > 0:45:36Do you want a fried egg sandwich?
0:45:36 > 0:45:38- Yeah.- If you can make me one.- Ready?
0:45:48 > 0:45:52Remember they were saying, will there ever be another Keith Floyd?
0:45:54 > 0:45:59After the aborted lunch stop, the going started to get really tough.
0:45:59 > 0:46:04Oh... This is a bit much for the little Fiat here.
0:46:04 > 0:46:07- Ugh...- Quite steep, this.
0:46:07 > 0:46:09It is, isn't it?
0:46:09 > 0:46:12Oh! Oh! That was...
0:46:12 > 0:46:17Here, it's... Oh look. Ugh! Oh, God.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19'The radiator bracket had sheared,
0:46:19 > 0:46:23'and the radiator itself was now hanging by a thread.'
0:46:23 > 0:46:26So, if that falls off, you are in the Vauxhall.
0:46:26 > 0:46:28There is no other way of putting that.
0:46:28 > 0:46:29Look at that. Not good.
0:46:30 > 0:46:35Top Gear tradition dictates that we should leave Hammond to fend for himself.
0:46:35 > 0:46:40And in this vast, lifeless desert, that's what we decided to do.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43We'd love to stay and help, but I have no ability at all.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45This has been proven many times.
0:46:45 > 0:46:49- And he can't be bothered. So, come on, James.- OK, that's good. Goodbye.
0:46:49 > 0:46:51Get the tools from the tent...
0:46:54 > 0:46:57I'll be honest, I'm amazed.
0:46:57 > 0:47:00It's quite an old Fiat and and a small one at that.
0:47:00 > 0:47:03This is the first time it's let me down mechanically.
0:47:03 > 0:47:06And in fairness, I let it down.
0:47:08 > 0:47:10Ah, hot!
0:47:11 > 0:47:12Ow.
0:47:12 > 0:47:15'The repair was a real struggle.'
0:47:15 > 0:47:18I'm guessing it gets dark pretty quickly round here.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21My bodge has failed.
0:47:21 > 0:47:24Radiator's dropped again. I'm trying to fix it up more permanently.
0:47:24 > 0:47:27I've no doubt they'll be very worried about me.
0:47:29 > 0:47:33Yeah! What do you think of that? Ha ha!
0:47:33 > 0:47:36Excellent! More desert.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39JEREMY'S REAR WHEEL RATTLES
0:47:39 > 0:47:42Look at that rear wheel. That's so hopeless.
0:47:46 > 0:47:50What a lovely evening, travelling with my mates... Well, one of them.
0:47:52 > 0:47:55Sun's going down, it's going cool.
0:47:55 > 0:47:58The fact of the matter is this - there are no people here.
0:47:59 > 0:48:03We are sneaking across Syria, and it's going well.
0:48:05 > 0:48:08Not everyone agreed with that.
0:48:08 > 0:48:14It is a beautiful looking place, but I don't want to be here at night.
0:48:14 > 0:48:16Scorpions, snakes, it's got the lot.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19A million ways to die out here.
0:48:19 > 0:48:23'Still, at least I had my new spotlights.'
0:48:25 > 0:48:27Oh, they're dud.
0:48:27 > 0:48:29They make no difference!
0:48:29 > 0:48:32THUDDING
0:48:32 > 0:48:34All these stones are hitting right under the car,
0:48:34 > 0:48:39right where I've bodged that bracket back on to hold the radiator up.
0:48:39 > 0:48:42The radiator drops, hits a rock, it can get ripped off,
0:48:42 > 0:48:43that's a game-finisher.
0:48:43 > 0:48:45Oh!
0:48:46 > 0:48:49Oh, God.
0:48:50 > 0:48:52'Despite everything though,
0:48:52 > 0:48:55'I managed to stumble across my concerned colleagues...'
0:48:55 > 0:48:58It's a tent, moving by itself!
0:48:58 > 0:49:01Just been in the desert.
0:49:01 > 0:49:03Crossing the desert.
0:49:03 > 0:49:06'..and found Jeremy had made supper.'
0:49:12 > 0:49:15This made us very philosophical.
0:49:17 > 0:49:21I tell you what, if the three wise men
0:49:21 > 0:49:24had done the journey now,
0:49:24 > 0:49:29they wouldn't have bothered going there and school Nativity plays would be easier to cast.
0:49:29 > 0:49:32Now, you've got to have front half of donkey,
0:49:32 > 0:49:35back half of donkey, shepherds...
0:49:35 > 0:49:38I was a mouse once in a school Nativity play. Explain that.
0:49:38 > 0:49:42A mouse? Well, because they wanted something unbelievably small.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45I remember, I had a cardboard mouse-head costume.
0:49:45 > 0:49:47I was the front of the donkey.
0:49:47 > 0:49:51I took the costume off halfway through, so people could see it was me.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53Nobody could tell the difference!
0:49:55 > 0:49:58- I suppose you were the infant King, were you?- I was a shepherd,
0:49:58 > 0:50:00cos I had a dressing down.
0:50:11 > 0:50:16The next morning, the sun rose to the sound of the BMW dawn chorus.
0:50:17 > 0:50:20"Armed. Disarmed."
0:50:20 > 0:50:24ENGINE CHOKES THEN ROARS
0:50:26 > 0:50:29Oh, my God. It sounds like a diesel locomotive.
0:50:29 > 0:50:30It's going.
0:50:30 > 0:50:35I don't think the desert's doing your Afrika Korps car any good at all.
0:50:38 > 0:50:40Despite the modifications,
0:50:40 > 0:50:44our little sports cars were even less suitable here
0:50:44 > 0:50:46than they had been in the war zones.
0:50:47 > 0:50:50- Ah!- Ohh...Ahhh....
0:50:50 > 0:50:52Oh! Oh, this is not good.
0:50:52 > 0:50:56"Can you not hear stones ripping the undertray of your car to pieces?"
0:50:57 > 0:51:00Oh!
0:51:02 > 0:51:04This is so bad!
0:51:04 > 0:51:06I'm stuck.
0:51:06 > 0:51:07It's like water.
0:51:15 > 0:51:16Here we go.
0:51:16 > 0:51:18Ohhh.
0:51:18 > 0:51:21- WHEELSPIN - Go.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23- Watch it!- Sorry!
0:51:25 > 0:51:27Go, go, go!
0:51:27 > 0:51:30I've been bitten. My arm's swollen up.
0:51:30 > 0:51:31I've got one on my back, here.
0:51:31 > 0:51:34Ahh! Ow!
0:51:34 > 0:51:36'We were taking a battering.
0:51:36 > 0:51:40'And things were about to get a lot worse.'
0:51:40 > 0:51:43Snatch from there.
0:51:46 > 0:51:47And turn.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49I've dug a big hole.
0:51:49 > 0:51:53All right, stop. Stop. Stop.
0:51:53 > 0:51:57Just pull him at a slight angle, we'll tip him on to his wheels better.
0:51:57 > 0:51:59Right, go that way.
0:51:59 > 0:52:01- OK.- Go, go, go, go, go.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03THUD
0:52:03 > 0:52:05- MAN:- Stop, stop. Stop, stop!
0:52:14 > 0:52:17- You all right, James? How are you feeling?- Sick.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19Do you want to sit up?
0:52:26 > 0:52:29- Where are we? - In the desert in Syria.
0:52:29 > 0:52:32Do you know where we're going?
0:52:40 > 0:52:45'Plainly, James was in a bad way, so he was taken to hospital,
0:52:45 > 0:52:48'leaving Hammond and I to carry on alone.'
0:52:52 > 0:52:55The next day, the mood was gloomy.
0:52:58 > 0:52:59Oh!
0:53:01 > 0:53:05I don't think we can deny it, the desert has taken its toll on our team.
0:53:05 > 0:53:07One man down,
0:53:07 > 0:53:11Jeremy's been bitten by something and his arm's rotting off.
0:53:14 > 0:53:15It's a beating.
0:53:17 > 0:53:20Soon, though, news reached us that James was recovering,
0:53:20 > 0:53:26and then in the middle of nowhere, we came across something amazing.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45- Hammond?- Yep?
0:53:45 > 0:53:48You know what that is, don't you?
0:53:48 > 0:53:50- It's a road.- And it is real.
0:53:50 > 0:53:53- It is a road. Look how smooth it is. - There's no rocks.
0:53:53 > 0:53:58- It's smooth and there are no scorpions in it.- Hang on, hang on...
0:53:58 > 0:54:00You're forgetting we're in the desert to sneak.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03We go on the road, people will see us.
0:54:03 > 0:54:05We can't use it. We can't use it.
0:54:05 > 0:54:07What if...
0:54:07 > 0:54:12we go on the road and disguise ourselves in the cars?
0:54:13 > 0:54:14That's brilliant.
0:54:17 > 0:54:22So, we put our plan into action and went to pick James up from hospital.
0:54:27 > 0:54:29What are you two wearing?
0:54:32 > 0:54:35- Where's yours?- Very funny.
0:54:35 > 0:54:37- Have you left it in there? - I'm better.
0:54:37 > 0:54:40It's only a small bang on the head, and I'm mended.
0:54:40 > 0:54:41A small cut, that's it.
0:54:41 > 0:54:45- You really are better?- Completely. - Who am I?
0:54:45 > 0:54:47You're a big cock.
0:54:47 > 0:54:49- Who am I?- Irritating little sod.
0:54:49 > 0:54:51- He's better. - He is better, isn't he?
0:54:51 > 0:54:54Anyway, we've got a cunning new plan. The desert wasn't working.
0:54:54 > 0:54:59- And?- So we've decided we going to carry on with our route in disguise.
0:54:59 > 0:55:00It's us.
0:55:07 > 0:55:13Tonight on Carry On Are You Being It Ain't Half Dad's Army's Mother...
0:55:13 > 0:55:15See, nothing to see.
0:55:15 > 0:55:18Just a girl driving an unusual car.
0:55:18 > 0:55:20Who's going to look twice at that?
0:55:22 > 0:55:25We were now on the road to Damascus
0:55:25 > 0:55:28and the new-found speed was causing problems.
0:55:30 > 0:55:34I've got quite bad wobble from the six wheels here.
0:55:34 > 0:55:36It's getting quite bad!
0:55:38 > 0:55:40Hammond, how's your tent taking the strain?
0:55:40 > 0:55:44I'm not sure Bedouin tents are made to do 60-80kph.
0:55:45 > 0:55:50'We decided to press on, but then, Jeremy's car decided otherwise.'
0:55:50 > 0:55:52My engine's gone.
0:55:52 > 0:55:54The engine... Oh, no!
0:55:54 > 0:55:56(LAUGHS)
0:55:56 > 0:56:00'At the roadside, Hammond dismantled his tent,
0:56:00 > 0:56:03'Jeremy removed his stupid extra wheels,
0:56:03 > 0:56:06'and then we all gathered round his engine.'
0:56:06 > 0:56:08The spark plug has blown out again.
0:56:08 > 0:56:11'This time, though, the problem was more serious.'
0:56:11 > 0:56:13Give it a rev.
0:56:15 > 0:56:18It's come out again.
0:56:19 > 0:56:23I tell you exactly what's happened, the engine has changed its mind.
0:56:23 > 0:56:25On the road to Damascus,
0:56:25 > 0:56:28it's decided it wants to be a three-cylinder engine.
0:56:29 > 0:56:31'Unable to fix it, we moved on.'
0:56:37 > 0:56:40This is my world now.
0:56:43 > 0:56:47'And soon, I was left far behind. But then...'
0:56:47 > 0:56:49Hang on, what's that?
0:56:49 > 0:56:52Oh, God, no, no!
0:56:55 > 0:56:59'..the Fiat's tyre had changed its mind about having air in it.'
0:56:59 > 0:57:00Bugger!
0:57:03 > 0:57:04Oh, no!
0:57:04 > 0:57:07- Space saver.- Oh, God!
0:57:07 > 0:57:10TRUCK HORN BLARES
0:57:10 > 0:57:12Right up me burka!
0:57:13 > 0:57:15That'll do it.
0:57:21 > 0:57:25'The puncture allowed Jeremy to catch up
0:57:25 > 0:57:28'and soon, we arrived in Damascus.'
0:57:29 > 0:57:327,000 years, this city's been here.
0:57:32 > 0:57:36It's amazing to arrive at such a place and just blend in.
0:57:36 > 0:57:40It wasn't the smoothest journey to Damascus, if I'm honest.
0:57:42 > 0:57:43Still, look on the bright side,
0:57:43 > 0:57:47I think we have made it unnoticed.
0:57:49 > 0:57:52Hundreds of miles of desert crossed anonymously
0:57:52 > 0:57:56and we're at the hotel. All we have to do is hide the cars.
0:57:56 > 0:58:00We have done it. We've made... Oh, God, no, look, Hammond!
0:58:00 > 0:58:02- "Above you."- Oh, God!
0:58:05 > 0:58:07We haven't done that, have we? Hello.
0:58:07 > 0:58:09Hello.
0:58:09 > 0:58:13I've appeared on television in drag for nothing.
0:58:15 > 0:58:19We, therefore, abandoned our disguises and went to the souk
0:58:19 > 0:58:22to buy gold, frankincense and myrrh.
0:58:22 > 0:58:25Earrings...
0:58:25 > 0:58:28I don't think earrings are right.
0:58:30 > 0:58:32Do you know what myrrh is?
0:58:32 > 0:58:34- Myrrh?- Myrrh.
0:58:34 > 0:58:36Gold, frankincense and myrrh.
0:58:36 > 0:58:38- No.- I don't know either.
0:58:38 > 0:58:40Do you have frankincense?
0:58:40 > 0:58:42- Frankise...?- Frankincense.
0:58:42 > 0:58:44- No.- OK.
0:58:46 > 0:58:48Ah, have you got myrrh on it?
0:58:48 > 0:58:52No, you've got Calvin Klein, Hugo Boss, but no myrrh.
0:58:54 > 0:58:56Quite expensive.
0:58:56 > 0:58:59I've finally seen a present for Jeremy.
0:58:59 > 0:59:01Oil of tact.
0:59:03 > 0:59:08'Shopping over, we met up at a restaurant that specialised in lamb,
0:59:08 > 0:59:12'which meant that, for once, Captain Faddy was happy.'
0:59:12 > 0:59:15Have they got chops? I like chops.
0:59:15 > 0:59:17'As it happened, they hadn't.'
0:59:19 > 0:59:22Lambs' heads. We've worked out the head, brain...
0:59:22 > 0:59:24I'm in a horror film.
0:59:24 > 0:59:27These deeply impressive things are testicles.
0:59:27 > 0:59:31- I don't want testicles! - Have you had the brain?
0:59:31 > 0:59:34- No, I'll have a bit. - It's absolutely lovely.
0:59:34 > 0:59:36Hammond, since you're not eating,
0:59:36 > 0:59:39why don't you show us what you bought for baby Jesus.
0:59:39 > 0:59:41Yes, I can do that.
0:59:43 > 0:59:45I have bought...
0:59:46 > 0:59:50..a golden relief of his own face.
0:59:50 > 0:59:52Wow!
0:59:52 > 0:59:56- So he will know what he's going to look like.- A golden relief?
0:59:56 > 0:59:58Of the face of Jesus.
0:59:58 > 1:00:02- Well done, Hammond. Well done. Now, May...- Yes?
1:00:02 > 1:00:04- Frankincense?- Yes, I have.
1:00:04 > 1:00:09Mary Magdalena, frankincense,
1:00:09 > 1:00:13100 % pure from the Holy Land.
1:00:13 > 1:00:16- No doubting its credentials. - Mate, that's just hotel shampoo.
1:00:16 > 1:00:19- You took that from your hotel bathroom.- It's a sealed box.
1:00:19 > 1:00:21- This is from the Holy Land.- Myrrh?
1:00:21 > 1:00:26I had a bit of problem with myrrh. Nobody, nobody knows what it is.
1:00:26 > 1:00:28So I used my imagination.
1:00:30 > 1:00:33Nintendo DS.
1:00:33 > 1:00:36- You bought a Nintendo DS?- Yes, I did.
1:00:36 > 1:00:39A gold model of his own face and some shampoo.
1:00:39 > 1:00:42- It's not shampoo.- It IS shampoo.
1:00:42 > 1:00:44It isn't. It says quite clearly on the box.
1:00:44 > 1:00:46Listen, we'll give it to the Virgin Mary.
1:00:46 > 1:00:49When she goes, "Ooh, frankincense!"
1:00:49 > 1:00:52Before she gets it out and says, "No, you cheapskate," I'll go...
1:00:52 > 1:00:55Look at that!
1:00:58 > 1:01:02'The next morning, we left early to avoid being spotted.'
1:01:04 > 1:01:08Sad to be leaving what has gone straight in at number five
1:01:08 > 1:01:12in the list of all-time great cities, Damascus.
1:01:14 > 1:01:18As you can hear, I've mended the engine well. I mended it.
1:01:18 > 1:01:22It wasn't an Armenian in a shed working into the small hours.
1:01:25 > 1:01:29'Travelling south, we eventually reached yet another border.'
1:01:31 > 1:01:34- Hello.- What is this?- My hat?
1:01:34 > 1:01:36- It's not in the right style.- Welcome.
1:01:36 > 1:01:39- Thank you very much.- Welcome. - Thank you very much.
1:01:39 > 1:01:45Right, I'm now driving my car of many colours, and many cylinders,
1:01:45 > 1:01:46out of Syria
1:01:46 > 1:01:51and into Jordan, a country famous for not having Bethlehem in it.
1:01:53 > 1:01:55Right, Jordan.
1:01:55 > 1:01:58Recent history, this is where Lawrence of Arabia
1:01:58 > 1:02:01assembled his Arab raiding parties under Faisal.
1:02:01 > 1:02:05Do you think that we are now finally deep inside Jordan?
1:02:05 > 1:02:07LAUGHS
1:02:07 > 1:02:11I like the way I was interrupted by the smut
1:02:11 > 1:02:14from my colleagues there.
1:02:16 > 1:02:19As we pushed even deeper into Jordan,
1:02:19 > 1:02:22we came across something else amazing.
1:02:22 > 1:02:25DRAMATIC, EPIC MUSIC
1:02:37 > 1:02:41- Well, clearly...- It's a race track.
1:02:41 > 1:02:43- ..It's an oval.- It's an oval, yeah.
1:02:43 > 1:02:45It's NASCAR, is what it is.
1:02:45 > 1:02:48- The origins of. - How did the Romans know?
1:02:48 > 1:02:52That is foresight. They are talked of as being advanced. They were.
1:02:52 > 1:02:54You know what I'm thinking, chaps.
1:02:54 > 1:02:56- Let me guess?- I think I do.
1:02:59 > 1:03:01Here we go, Roman rallying.
1:03:02 > 1:03:05Pretty sure we're allowed to do this, I can't imagine they'd...
1:03:05 > 1:03:06Why would they mind?
1:03:07 > 1:03:10This was a place of entertainment, wasn't it, surely?
1:03:10 > 1:03:15I'm in the Old Testament in an MX-5 as we go into second.
1:03:15 > 1:03:18Power-sliding through Leviticus.
1:03:18 > 1:03:23Automatic is not good for classical car chariot racing.
1:03:23 > 1:03:25Hammond weaving about.
1:03:25 > 1:03:28Oh, he's trying to fill me up with sand!
1:03:28 > 1:03:30Exhibition piece of driving from Hammond
1:03:30 > 1:03:32in the front-wheel drive Barchetta.
1:03:32 > 1:03:37Now onto the main straight, into third and into Deuteronomy bend.
1:03:37 > 1:03:40'Old Testament NASCAR was the best motorsport ever,
1:03:40 > 1:03:43'apart from one small problem.'
1:03:45 > 1:03:48Oh, that's a lot of dust come in.
1:03:48 > 1:03:51I can't see a bloody thing back here.
1:03:56 > 1:03:57Sorry!
1:03:57 > 1:04:00Bit blind here, racing in fog.
1:04:02 > 1:04:03THUD
1:04:04 > 1:04:06My helmet. Hold on, I can't see anything.
1:04:06 > 1:04:09Somebody is going to see this dust
1:04:09 > 1:04:13and then they're going to come and then there'll be anger and rage.
1:04:14 > 1:04:16Can't see at all now.
1:04:17 > 1:04:21Before we smashed a 2,000-year-old Roman pillar,
1:04:21 > 1:04:25we decided to agree that Hammond's Fiat was the fastest
1:04:25 > 1:04:27and call it a day.
1:04:27 > 1:04:29Absolutely tremendous!
1:04:29 > 1:04:32That's the best history lesson I've ever had!
1:04:32 > 1:04:34I think I know why your car was the fastest.
1:04:34 > 1:04:37- Why?- Do you want to step out? Here, allow me.
1:04:37 > 1:04:39- Tyres.- What?- Tyres?
1:04:39 > 1:04:43No, it's very light, much lighter than it was on lap two.
1:04:45 > 1:04:47My arse!
1:04:47 > 1:04:50- I've lost an entire buttock... - You have.
1:04:50 > 1:04:53..of my beautiful pert little bottom on this car.
1:04:56 > 1:05:00Hammond didn't just break his own car,
1:05:00 > 1:05:04look what he's done to my spotlights! They've gone, gone!
1:05:05 > 1:05:10'Still, at least the Hippodrome race had prepared us for Jordanian traffic.'
1:05:10 > 1:05:14You know what's good about this slightly chaotic driving style
1:05:14 > 1:05:17is that it works because everybody does it.
1:05:17 > 1:05:20Look at that! Jesus, that was close!
1:05:23 > 1:05:27We headed west and soon we arrived at the final border crossing...
1:05:29 > 1:05:32Israel, the one we'd been dreading.
1:05:33 > 1:05:37This is it, the Hussein Bridge over the Jordan River.
1:05:37 > 1:05:39We're leaving Jordan on the dirty passport.
1:05:39 > 1:05:42Switching now,
1:05:42 > 1:05:44clean passport.
1:05:44 > 1:05:46Arriving in Israel.
1:05:46 > 1:05:49The man with the mirror on the stick.
1:05:49 > 1:05:51The checks were long and thorough,
1:05:51 > 1:05:56but it seemed we'd got away with our trip through Syria and we were in!
1:05:59 > 1:06:02Yes! We're on the way to Bethlehem.
1:06:02 > 1:06:06Hang on, little fella, we're coming, three wise men with gifts.
1:06:07 > 1:06:09Sadly, though, for political reasons,
1:06:09 > 1:06:12we'd been advised to avoid the disputed West Bank
1:06:12 > 1:06:16so we were now going in completely the wrong direction yet again...
1:06:17 > 1:06:20..and I decided to make the most of it.
1:06:20 > 1:06:23I hope the other two don't mind, but I fancy a small deviation
1:06:23 > 1:06:26to go and have a look at the Sea of Galilee.
1:06:26 > 1:06:29'This was a good call because getting there
1:06:29 > 1:06:32'meant driving through the Golan Heights.'
1:06:37 > 1:06:38Look at that!
1:06:38 > 1:06:40What a stretch of road!
1:06:41 > 1:06:45This is an outrage. This is just astonishing, this road.
1:06:45 > 1:06:48I want to marry it and have its babies.
1:06:49 > 1:06:54'As with everywhere on this journey, though, there was a catch.'
1:06:54 > 1:06:59If you crash off the road here you go into a minefield.
1:06:59 > 1:07:00Literally, a minefield
1:07:00 > 1:07:04because, for political reasons, this was Syria and now it's Israel.
1:07:06 > 1:07:09'But even politics couldn't spoil this moment.'
1:07:09 > 1:07:11There you go. Thank you, little car!
1:07:13 > 1:07:15I'm going to make an admission.
1:07:15 > 1:07:18Hammond's car is properly quick.
1:07:22 > 1:07:25Come on, car, just go!
1:07:25 > 1:07:29I'd like to take a bloody Israeli tank shell to this gearbox.
1:07:29 > 1:07:31What an evening.
1:07:31 > 1:07:34What an evening!
1:07:36 > 1:07:39'And then it got even better.'
1:07:41 > 1:07:43Holy Mother of Mary.
1:07:43 > 1:07:45Aw, look at that!
1:07:45 > 1:07:47That's the Sea of Galilee.
1:07:47 > 1:07:49That's one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
1:07:54 > 1:07:58Why is the Sea of Galilee, of all the sort of biblical sites referenced,
1:07:58 > 1:08:00the one that makes you feel most...
1:08:00 > 1:08:06- It's the most evocative?- Well, it's me, because I'm, you know, JC.
1:08:06 > 1:08:07No, you're Jeremy Clarkson.
1:08:11 > 1:08:13You are healed. I have healed you.
1:08:13 > 1:08:16- You've taken the bandage off.- Ready?
1:08:16 > 1:08:20- And the thorn what hath pricked his arm...- No evidence.
1:08:20 > 1:08:22It got better of its own...
1:08:22 > 1:08:25That's what happens! It was days ago!
1:08:26 > 1:08:27GASPS
1:08:27 > 1:08:30I only had one sweet in this bag and now there are many.
1:08:30 > 1:08:33No, it was a bag full of sweets.
1:08:38 > 1:08:40The next morning, on the shores of Galilee,
1:08:40 > 1:08:43we had a moment of quiet contemplation.
1:08:43 > 1:08:48"..we still had enough food left over to fill 12 baskets."
1:08:48 > 1:08:51And then, the still-delusional Jeremy
1:08:51 > 1:08:53offered to cook yet another meal.
1:08:53 > 1:08:55There's only two fish.
1:08:55 > 1:08:58- I don't like fish. - Well, there you are, I've solved it.
1:08:58 > 1:09:01- It's a miracle. - That is a miracle.- Hardly!
1:09:01 > 1:09:03We've got enough fish to go round.
1:09:05 > 1:09:07I am walking on water now.
1:09:07 > 1:09:10You're standing on it.
1:09:10 > 1:09:11- Walk over there.- Yeah.
1:09:15 > 1:09:19- Miraculous that, mate. - I've invented swimming!- Oh, God.
1:09:19 > 1:09:21What do you think of that?
1:09:21 > 1:09:26'Before Jeremy decided to part the waters, we moved on.'
1:09:28 > 1:09:30I feel awful.
1:09:30 > 1:09:33Unfortunately,
1:09:33 > 1:09:37it wasn't an angel that came to me in the night,
1:09:37 > 1:09:39it was the trots. Bad.
1:09:42 > 1:09:45We were now just 20 miles from Bethlehem,
1:09:45 > 1:09:47and what a journey we'd had
1:09:47 > 1:09:51through a region that's made history for 7,000 years
1:09:51 > 1:09:54and continues to make front-page news today.
1:09:56 > 1:10:00Unlike the original wise men, we'd had to take huge detours
1:10:00 > 1:10:04around the political minefields, and the real ones.
1:10:04 > 1:10:06And yet somehow we'd made it,
1:10:06 > 1:10:10in cars that really weren't built for this kind of work.
1:10:13 > 1:10:15There must have been people who thought,
1:10:15 > 1:10:19they're idiots setting out across the Middle East and its deserts
1:10:19 > 1:10:23in sports cars, but here we are at the end and I'm still in one.
1:10:25 > 1:10:28I can't think of anything I'd rather have done this journey in
1:10:28 > 1:10:31than a small open-top sports car,
1:10:31 > 1:10:34because what cars like this give you,
1:10:34 > 1:10:36for a relatively small outlay,
1:10:36 > 1:10:41is access to 93 million miles of blue sky.
1:10:43 > 1:10:45You can't really put a price on that.
1:10:45 > 1:10:49This little Fiat has been, it's fair to say, the surprise of the trip,
1:10:49 > 1:10:53because nobody expected it to finish. Come on, a small Italian sports car?
1:10:53 > 1:10:54There have been problems.
1:10:54 > 1:10:57One of its buttocks fell off. Jeremy did that.
1:10:57 > 1:11:00The radiator fell off. I did that.
1:11:00 > 1:11:03And there's a terrible smell in here, I definitely did that.
1:11:03 > 1:11:05But it's survived them.
1:11:05 > 1:11:08It's still here and it's still making me grin.
1:11:09 > 1:11:11Thank you, little mate.
1:11:12 > 1:11:14Well, this is it, Jerusalem.
1:11:15 > 1:11:17Nothing can go wrong now.
1:11:17 > 1:11:19Overtaking manoeuvre coming up.
1:11:21 > 1:11:23SMASHING
1:11:23 > 1:11:26GUFFAWS
1:11:26 > 1:11:29- My Hubble pipe!- Oh BEEP!
1:11:32 > 1:11:34Before James could do any more damage,
1:11:34 > 1:11:38we pulled over in a car park on the Mount of Olives
1:11:38 > 1:11:41so we could decide which of our cars was the best.
1:11:43 > 1:11:46I would like to speak first on this.
1:11:46 > 1:11:47- It's rubbish.- What?
1:11:47 > 1:11:51I'm sorry, there's a place reserved in Hell
1:11:51 > 1:11:54for the man who put that gearbox in that car.
1:11:54 > 1:11:58And it's the ratios. It's a case of many are called, but few are chosen
1:11:58 > 1:12:01and many who are first shall be fourth,
1:12:01 > 1:12:04and many who are third will actually kick down into second.
1:12:04 > 1:12:05It's hopeless!
1:12:05 > 1:12:08So, can I just ask, which of our two would you choose to have?
1:12:08 > 1:12:11Which have you looked at most covetously?
1:12:11 > 1:12:14I covet my neighbour's Fiat.
1:12:14 > 1:12:16Hee! Really? Good man.
1:12:16 > 1:12:17Now, that's very interesting,
1:12:17 > 1:12:21because the car of the three that I would choose is the Fiat.
1:12:21 > 1:12:23- Eh?- I make no bones about it.
1:12:23 > 1:12:26I still maintain this is a fantastic little car.
1:12:26 > 1:12:28- We all like the Mazda MX-5. - Great car.
1:12:28 > 1:12:29I haven't bonded with it.
1:12:29 > 1:12:34The steering is lovely, ride's lovely, but the one thing you don't do is love it.
1:12:34 > 1:12:37I never got up and thought, I hope it's all right!
1:12:37 > 1:12:40- So, at the end of this trip this is still a machine to you.- A laptop.
1:12:40 > 1:12:44So, we're all agreed, and the Italian car is the most reliable.
1:12:44 > 1:12:48Yes. But we have got to get all these thoughts out of our heads now.
1:12:48 > 1:12:50We must complete the programme.
1:12:50 > 1:12:53Car enthusiasts, turn off now. We've just got to finish this journey.
1:12:53 > 1:12:56- We must complete the mission. - We must.
1:13:04 > 1:13:07Soon we arrived in Bethlehem,
1:13:07 > 1:13:10and it felt good to be at the font of peace on earth
1:13:10 > 1:13:14and goodwill to all men.
1:13:30 > 1:13:35As darkness descended, we saw a mysterious light in the night sky
1:13:35 > 1:13:37and decided to follow it.
1:13:47 > 1:13:50This must be the place.
1:13:53 > 1:13:56So, here we are,
1:13:56 > 1:14:01a shaft of heavenly light indicating that our quest is at an end.
1:14:09 > 1:14:11This is it.
1:14:18 > 1:14:20Evidence of shepherds.
1:14:47 > 1:14:50- I told you there was a mouse.- Shh.
1:14:55 > 1:15:00We're three wise men and we have travelled far from the East with gifts.
1:15:00 > 1:15:06Gold, shampoo - that was a bit of a mistake - and an electronic toy.
1:15:10 > 1:15:13Let us see this child who has been born unto us.
1:15:13 > 1:15:15- Yes, let us.- Yes.
1:15:17 > 1:15:18GASPS
1:15:19 > 1:15:22DRAMATIC MUSIC
1:15:27 > 1:15:29I wasn't expecting that.
1:15:36 > 1:15:38And on that bombshell,
1:15:38 > 1:15:40it is time to end.
1:15:40 > 1:15:42Thank you so much for watching, goodnight.
1:15:42 > 1:15:45# A ray of hope
1:15:46 > 1:15:49# Flickers in the sky
1:15:50 > 1:15:53# A tiny star
1:15:54 > 1:15:58# Lights up way up high
1:15:59 > 1:16:01# All across the land
1:16:01 > 1:16:05# Dawns a brand-new morn
1:16:05 > 1:16:09# This comes to pass...