0:00:02 > 0:00:05We asked 500 extremely unusual questions
0:00:05 > 0:00:07to thousands of British people.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11The answers to those questions make up the Britain Unzipped Report.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Previously, with the help of some beautiful celebrity guests,
0:00:15 > 0:00:16we've examined booze,
0:00:16 > 0:00:19we've explored romance...
0:00:19 > 0:00:21That's a really good bum.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24..and invited everyone over for a party.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Tonight, we'll be hanging out with a Pussycat Doll...
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- Howdy. - ..and going back to school...
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Who here couldn't wait to leave school?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36CHEERING
0:00:36 > 0:00:39..to find out why growing up is easier said than done.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42This is Britain Unzipped.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44You're so dirty!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Welcome to Britain Unzipped.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14This is Russell Kane.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18And this is Greggy J!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH
0:01:24 > 0:01:27If you've switched on hoping to watch Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- we've got some bad news for you. - I think you mean good news.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Oh, that's going to sting.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34You've got us two instead, and we're going to spend
0:01:34 > 0:01:37the next hour exposing just how strange and kooky and weird you are.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39With the help of the Unzipped Report,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41we'll be lifting the lid on British behaviour,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43and we'll also get an American viewpoint,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46because our special guest is Kimberly Wyatt!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:53- Hi.- Hello!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Welcome to Britain Unzipped. - Thank you.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Howdy.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Howdy.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Like thousands of you out there, Kimberly has filled in
0:02:03 > 0:02:04the Unzipped Report
0:02:04 > 0:02:08and we'll be giving her a normality rating based on her answers soon.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10So, do think you're fairly normal?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I would say fairly normal.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I think we're all weird in our own ways,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16but I would say fairly normal.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17HE GIGGLES
0:02:17 > 0:02:19You're well pretty.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:23We'll be revealing the answers to other big questions.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Questions such as...
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Is it acceptable to sext someone else if you're in a relationship?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31How many of you have a secret wish to talk to animals?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34And how many dads out there wish their children were better-looking?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:39That's if you know your dad, you lucky bastard.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Plus, we'll be using our report to talk about school
0:02:42 > 0:02:44and finding out if they really were the best days of your lives.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47And we couldn't do that without the help of
0:02:47 > 0:02:49the teacher's pets in our beautiful audience!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Also, this load of troublemakers...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00That lot over there, that's our Unzipped Sample,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03and we'll be hearing a lot more from them throughout the show.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06We'll be asking them totes inappropes questions,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09such as, how many of you have had full sex with one of your teachers?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Yeah!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I think we should get you an Unzipped counsellor.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Just to warn you, that counsellor is Greg
0:03:20 > 0:03:23and he just pulls a mask off halfway through and goes, "Gutted!"
0:03:23 > 0:03:26We've also got this heading your way tonight on Britain Unzipped.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- Gutted!- Gutted!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Men and women unzipped.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35It's the part of the show where we're not afraid to flash some flesh.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Find out what's in store tonight when we're joined by a Pussycat Doll.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41School unzipped.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44After weeks of foul language and bad behaviour,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Russell finally gets taught a lesson.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Kimberly unzipped.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52And following in the footsteps of Holly, Christine and Emily,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55who's next to hit the dance floor?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58All the way from the US of A, it's Miss Kimberly Wyatt.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Kimberly, thank you so much for joining us tonight.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07You just came from rehearsals in the West End, how's the show going?
0:04:07 > 0:04:08It's going really well.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11We've been making sure everything's pitch-perfect
0:04:11 > 0:04:13so we can put on the best show possible.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- What is the show? - It's a dance show called Revolution.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Sort of set in the future and it's all different styles of dance.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22You know cos you're on that show, Got To Dance, and stuff,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25do you feel under more pressure dancing in the West End,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27like people scrutinise you cos you were once the judge
0:04:27 > 0:04:29and now you're being judged?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I think you do feel it a little bit, for sure,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33because you say so much and you talk the talk
0:04:33 > 0:04:36that when it's your turn, you'd better be able to walk the walk.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I'm like that with shagging, a little bit.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Russell's new show is Got To Shag.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45I talk about it a lot and then it just goes down my leg.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Aw!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Tonight, it is our chance to judge you,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- because you filled out the Unzipped Report.- Yes.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55And we're going to see how normal you are to the rest of Britain.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58But, before we begin, can I play you my favourite ever Pussycat Doll song?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Sure.- OK.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Can I join in?- Yeah, join in.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- On the recorder? - Yeah, yeah, whoa, just...
0:05:04 > 0:05:06OK, hit it!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- # It's funny how a man only thinks about the- BEEP
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- # You got a real big heart But I'm looking at your- BEEP
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- # You got real big brains But I'm looking at your- BEEP
0:05:12 > 0:05:15# Girl, there ain't no pain In me looking at your...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- # I don't give a ... Keep looking at my- BEEP
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- # Cos it don't mean a thing If you're looking at my- BEEP
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- # I'm-a do my thing While you're playing with ya- BEEP
0:05:22 > 0:05:25# Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha. #
0:05:25 > 0:05:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:05:27 > 0:05:29That's an amazing rendition.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30That is quite enough of that.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35- So, Kimberly K Wyatt, these are your normality questions.- Yes.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Here we go, have you ever visited a psychic?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Yes.- What happened?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44There was one experience, I was on tour with the Dolls,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47went to see a psychic before this big world tour,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50and they warned me that I was going to be wearing these boots
0:05:50 > 0:05:53that went up to the knee with white laces,
0:05:53 > 0:05:54which happened!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Yeah.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER
0:05:58 > 0:06:00And said they would give me foot problems...
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Urgh.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04In the end, all of us had problems with our feet from dancing in them.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Are you sure it wasn't a chiropodist?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Did you have to dance in a verruca sock?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I don't even know what a verruca sock is.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Just one sexy boot and a verruca sock.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Do you have verrucas in America?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I don't think so, not that I'm aware.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Maybe we do, I don't know.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27It's the land of the free, buddy, no-one lives in our feet, OK?!
0:06:27 > 0:06:28LAUGHTER
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- It's basically warts on your feet. - No, I have good feet.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Did your feet get mash up by 'dem or not?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38No, it was how the shoes sat on our feet.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41We were dancing like crazy for an hour-and-a-half every night.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- And it did mess your feet up, though?- It did!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Wow, thank God you went there.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49We are testing your normality.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50I have to tell you, it's not normal -
0:06:50 > 0:06:54only 33% of British women have visited psychic.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Americans might be more spiritual.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- I do live in LA.- Totally, babes.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00"I only eat green food!"
0:07:00 > 0:07:03We're going to go deep with this next question.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Some of them are a little bit intellectual,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07little bit political, with the American links with Iran
0:07:07 > 0:07:09and the world situation - hit her with it.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Have you ever farted during sex?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13LAUGHTER
0:07:14 > 0:07:15I can't say that I have, no.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19You can't say you have, or you can't say that you haven't?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20I have not.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Farty! Farty sex pants!
0:07:23 > 0:07:24- Have you ever had sex?- Yes.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Greg! Don't!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Girls don't fart, they poot.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- Poot?!- They what?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:36 > 0:07:39OK. Well, I shall rephrase the question.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Have you ever pooted...
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Oh, no, Mr Pooty's in town!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47If I ever felt the need during sex to fart
0:07:47 > 0:07:51I would do everything in my power to not let that happen.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54If you hold it in too much, it comes out as a burp.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I would much rather burp than fart during sex.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58It's a mouth-poot.
0:07:58 > 0:07:5951% of women
0:07:59 > 0:08:01admitted to farting during sex.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03You're only fractionally abnormal.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Most British women get up, put their leg on the bed
0:08:06 > 0:08:07and go, "Take this, Gary!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"Now, get out, you wanker!"
0:08:10 > 0:08:13But that's just here.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Next one - have you ever murdered someone?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Sorry, have you ever had a murderous thought?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Different question, isn't it, really?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I would say that I've definitely seen red before.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Right, that's just getting angry.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I haven't been in a situation where I felt like
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I was about to choke somebody and throw them on the ground.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- You got so angry, you thought, "I want to strangle this person."- Yeah.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36So, Nicole Scherzinger said sorry?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Ooooh!
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Yeah.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41That's not normal.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Only 11% of women have thought about committing murder.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Apparently - those numbers don't seem right.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I'm going to go for an investigation.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Right.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Where's my microphone?
0:08:53 > 0:08:54I'm straight, check it on Google.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Who's had a murderous thought here?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Hmm, quite a lot of murdering tinkers.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I'm strangely attracted to this young lady over here.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- What's your name?- Becky. - That's a lovely jacket, Bibs.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10You've had murderous thoughts - please tell us more.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13It was actually a friend who wanted to kill someone...
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Wait a minute... - ..and I helped her with the plan.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Basically...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:23The cameras are rolling, we're talking about murderous thoughts,
0:09:23 > 0:09:27not accessory to planning an actual murder.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- You were having murderous fantasy thoughts?- Yes.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Just to clear that up!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Basically, to cut a long plan short,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36we were going to rent a little garage, torture,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38put her in her dad's van.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41My friend's dad has got a pig farm, we were going to chop her up,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44feed her to the pigs...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:48What?!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50The only thing pigs can't eat is teeth and hair.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Put it in a bag with a bit of weight,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53chuck it in a river - she's gone!
0:09:53 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Russell! Get away!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Get away from her!- Back to you, Greg.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06God.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Wow.- All right, next one.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Have you ever been skinny-dipping? - Yes.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16APPLAUSE
0:10:16 > 0:10:19My first job out of high school was working on cruise ships
0:10:19 > 0:10:22and the first tour I did was around the Ca-RIB-bean...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24THEY SNIGGER
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Carib-BE-an.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28With her friend "Ber-NARD".
0:10:28 > 0:10:29In the Caribbean.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34We went to St Thomas, which has an amazing beach called Magen's Bay.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- It was sort of a nude beach.- Hmm.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38We would go once a week and just hang out.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I feel like such a floozy.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Did you take everything off, did you?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Totally nude. That's fair enough.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- If you're going to do it, you may as well do it.- Unbelievably,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54it's not normal. Only 14% of British women would do that.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Kimberly Wyatt, thank you for giving such honest answers.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Thank you.- Thank you.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00APPLAUSE
0:11:01 > 0:11:05We can now give you an Unzipped normality rating,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08compared to women in Britain and to the previous guests on the show.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09So the options are,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11normal,
0:11:11 > 0:11:12odd/Christine Bleakley,
0:11:12 > 0:11:13weird,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15insane/Holly Willoughby
0:11:15 > 0:11:18and Emily Atack from The Inbetweeners,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21and finally, danger to society, the home of Russell.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Holly Willoughby liked human flesh, remember.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Christine had a thing for Phil Schofield sex, which was odd,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30and Emily Atack has a nasty habit of hanging out with me,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32which is obviously abnormal for a woman,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35and also faking her orgasms. The two aren't connected.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37We can now reveal
0:11:37 > 0:11:39that you are weird
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and even more bonkers than Christine Bleakley.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Thank you. Thank you.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46APPLAUSE
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- Are you happy with that?- I am OK with being weird, absolutely.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53But that rating could change during the show,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56especially when we hear what you got up to at school.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58So if you have any shocking revelations
0:11:58 > 0:12:02that you want to get off your chest... Boobies!
0:12:02 > 0:12:03..then feel free.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06If you want to find out how normal you are,
0:12:06 > 0:12:09don't forget to complete your own report on the BBC Three website.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14There's brand-new questions every week. Go to bbc.co.uk/bbcthree
0:12:14 > 0:12:16and click on Britain Unzipped.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Still to come, we'll be talking to animals, sending Russell to school
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and revealing a load of showbiz celebrity confessions
0:12:58 > 0:12:59when we play Celebs Unzipped.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01In previous episodes,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04we've exposed Holly Willoughby's cage dancing fantasies,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07exclusively revealed that Joe Swash calls his little fella Alfie...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10And learnt Russell used to be a long-haired freak
0:13:10 > 0:13:11with a thing for cats!
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Why are we doing that again? You do a joke once, that's the law.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18I've spoken to my lawyers
0:13:18 > 0:13:22and we can only show that photo if my identity is hidden.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24That's not enough.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Even though they're both dead, they should be protected.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33So stand by for more amazing revelations later tonight.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35But now it's the part of the show
0:13:35 > 0:13:38where we pick two of the finest specimens of man and womankind
0:13:38 > 0:13:41and pitch them together in a battle of the sexes.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45'Man versus wo-man!'
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Representing the men this week, he's from Chester
0:13:50 > 0:13:53and on last week's show, we discovered he once faked an orgasm
0:13:53 > 0:13:55but he did, and I quote,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57"Make her finish first."
0:13:57 > 0:13:59And he likes maths. It's Ryan!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02CHEERING, APPLAUSE
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08And representing women this week,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11she's from Missouri - it's one of the ones in the middle - US of A.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Her nickname's K-Dawg
0:14:12 > 0:14:15and she once offered to take Kate Middleton pole dancing.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16It's Kimberly!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Ahead of us, we've got questions
0:14:22 > 0:14:24all about the differences between men and women.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28But as the series score in Man Versus Women is 3-0 to the girls,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30we thought the boys needed a hand.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31So we've enlisted Kimberly
0:14:31 > 0:14:35because surely Ryan will know more about British behaviour than you!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Ryan, Let's do your quickfire questions.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- How old are you?- 21.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- Have you ever worked in a strip club?- Yes.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- Is it true you didn't mean to work there?- Yes.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- What happened?- I applied for a bar job, thinking it was a bar,
0:14:47 > 0:14:51walked in, saw a woman on a pole with her tits out.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- Tits out.- Simple as that.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58And are you currently...courting?
0:14:58 > 0:14:59I am single.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Welcome to the club.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04You're in our club. We got no women in our club.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Your turn, Kimberly. Now, it's rude to ask a lady her age.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09We'll ask something else instead.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12How many years have you been on the planet?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- 30.- And something a little less personal.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17When did you lose your virginity?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I would never say.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Can't remember, it was ages ago.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27"It was this crazy party. There was just stuff going on everywhere."
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- It was prom night.- Have you...? And please, there's a lot of hope here.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Have you ever had a relationship with a British man?
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- Yes, I have.- How different is it? Cos American guys
0:15:37 > 0:15:41are always speaking, aren't they? "Yeah, that's so good, babe!"
0:15:41 > 0:15:44British guys say nothing, then "I'm sorry" at the end. "Sorry!"
0:15:47 > 0:15:51I like British men. I think they have great chivalry.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- They know how to treat a girl well. - You know that, yeah?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56They're gorgeous.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57- Know what I mean?- Yeah. Erm...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Let's see what we're playing for tonight.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Ryan, you'll choose from this selection of proper man prizes.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05You could be taking away a football,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07a barbecue, a screwdriver set,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10a selection of novelty pants - that's not very manly.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14And if you want to get blind drunk after the show, a bottle of Scotch.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17APPLAUSE
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Kimberly, just because you're an international celebrity doesn't mean
0:16:21 > 0:16:24you'll miss out. Feast your eyes on these girly cliches.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Tonight's prizes include a hot water bottle, bubble bath,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30jim-jams - pyjamas - a bottle of medium dry white wine
0:16:30 > 0:16:32and a box of tissues, oh-my-God!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Yes!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Please could I have my special lights?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Here's the first question.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50What percentage of women have worn a costume or outfit for sexy time?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- That's definitely on the list of things you should never say.- What?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I got dressed up as Rentokil once.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04OK, time's up. Ryan, what have you written? Is it a rudimentary graph?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Wow!
0:17:05 > 0:17:0871%, it's almost prime.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14"Kymeberly," what have you got? 23%.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I can now reveal the correct answer is...
0:17:16 > 0:17:2031% of women have worn a costume or outfit for sex.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Which means, Kimberly, you win the prize.- Yes!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25'Wo-man wins!'
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Kimberley, how long were you a Pussycat Doll?- Seven years.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34Did your boyfriends ask you to put less racy stuff on when having sex?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37"Put a cardigan on and some trainers!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"Tell me you're going down the library!"
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- No.- No?- No.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45The percentage of men who've worn a sexy outfit is only 10%.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Have you ever dressed up?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48No, it's the woman's job.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Sexist pig. Yeah!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I bet Ryan gets dressed up as Einstein and goes...
0:17:57 > 0:18:00It's funny you said no. What about this sexy-time outfit?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:09 > 0:18:13I used to ask my girlfriends to dress up as Beyonce until I saw this.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Ah. I'll just stop you there, Greg. Because I know you're expecting
0:18:17 > 0:18:20to hilariously cue up my dance as Beyonce,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23which was done for charity, in good faith,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26but I thought Kimberley might be more impressed
0:18:26 > 0:18:28by the real clip that we're about to show!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Let's have a look at Greg's choreography.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34MUSIC: "Call Your Girlfriend" by Robyn
0:19:00 > 0:19:05CHEERING AND WOLF-WHISTLES
0:19:05 > 0:19:06I love you for that!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Kimberley, were you impressed by that?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Oh, yes. That was...
0:19:13 > 0:19:17amazing. I loved the commitment.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Yeah. That is...
0:19:19 > 0:19:22That's what they say to the bewildered on X Factor.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25When I said I was going to be doing the show with you today,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- everyone talks about your killer move.- Oh, yes.- Yes.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31What is the killer move? For people that don't know it, just show us.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Oh, my God.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37There it is.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39CHEERING
0:19:43 > 0:19:45There it is.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Well, uh...
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Oh...
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Can you do that?- I don't think we should move from behind the podium.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56The next question is,
0:19:56 > 0:20:00what percentage of men wish their children were better-looking?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Write your answers down, please.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06This sounds horrific, but it's not a cruel thing to wish. Statistically,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08the taller you are, the better-looking you are,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10the better you do at a job interview. That's a fact.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Which is why you do so well at everything, Greg, and I struggle.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Because I'm ugly and small!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Now, Ryan, what have you written?
0:20:18 > 0:20:2221%. Kimberly, what have you got?
0:20:22 > 0:20:2428%. It's a close one.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I can reveal that the percentage of men
0:20:26 > 0:20:28that wish their children were better-looking...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30is 10%.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Quite a lot, actually, which means Ryan wins the prize and the round.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36'Man wins!'
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- Have you got any children, Ryan?- No.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44That would require sex.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51- Kimberly?- Oh, no.- Russell?- OK, bit weird about telling this one.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53The chances are, yes.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I will explain. People are laughing and not realising
0:20:57 > 0:20:59the truth's about to hit them!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Now, at university, I had to make my own money.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06I could work in the Saturday job, or I could sell my sperm
0:21:06 > 0:21:10at the sperm bank three times a week for three years.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I basically wanked my way to a first in English.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21How much did they pay you?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Well, it was a couple of years ago. It was £17.50 per shot.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Per shot, you say?- Per shot.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30# Shot, shot, shot, shot Everybody! #
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry!
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Forgot.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I should just say, if you are out there
0:21:36 > 0:21:38and you do turn out to be my child,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I have no interest in ever seeing you.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Anyway, dads thinking their kids should be better-looking,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48that is the perfect question where I would have done my hilarious
0:21:48 > 0:21:50but ultimately self-indulgent long walk.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- Who missed that last week? - No. No. No-one did.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54The point is with this joke,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57you leave a long gap and then at the end ask a question,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00it's really quick, and that's what makes it funny. Trust me.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I get it, but I'm left standing here looking like a twat.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- Is it all right if I get a producer's opinion?- Quickly.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09LIGHT MUSIC
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Producer, J-bomb, is it OK if we reinstate my hilarious
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- but ultimately self-indulgent walk? - No.- Back to you, Greg.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Dick!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Right, back to the game.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54And what percentage of men think that sexting someone
0:22:54 > 0:22:57other than your partner does not count as cheating?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00What do you reckon? Write that down, please.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02It was a no. He said no.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Cheers, thanks.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- I think it worked. - What are we doing? Oh, sexting.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14What have you written, Ryan?
0:23:14 > 0:23:1736% of men think it's OK to send a sexy text
0:23:17 > 0:23:20when they're in a relationship. OK. Kimberly, what have you got?
0:23:20 > 0:23:2237%.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23AUDIENCE GASPS
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Quite optimistic about men, I have to say. I can now reveal that
0:23:27 > 0:23:29the percentage of men who think it's OK to send
0:23:29 > 0:23:31sexually explicit messages and images to someone
0:23:31 > 0:23:33they're not going out with
0:23:33 > 0:23:35is 41%.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Yes!
0:23:36 > 0:23:37'Wo-man wins!'
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Let's go into the mathematical mind of Ryan.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49He likes to make copper sulphate crystals!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Ryan, do you think sexting counts as cheating?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Yeah, course it does. - Course it does.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58If you're cheating in your mind, you're cheating.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01That's why I'm so sensitive, because I would never treat you that way.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- What about getting off with someone, kissing them?- Not in the early days.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07AUDIENCE GASPS
0:24:07 > 0:24:12- Hang on, rewind.- Yeah, because it's a sexual fantasy.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13What?!
0:24:14 > 0:24:18So, in your mind, the abstract is better than the absolute?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"I just prefer concepts!"
0:24:23 > 0:24:27One more question. Would you like to go out with someone famous?
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Yeah, course.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I think you're the perfect person, Ryan, to play Doll Or No Doll.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Now, earlier this week, we asked Ryan to do some homework
0:24:42 > 0:24:44by learning all about Kimberly. We did find out that
0:24:44 > 0:24:47he broke into your back garden. We're sorry about that.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52We're now going to ask Ryan three questions about Kimberly.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Kimberly has very kindly/foolishly donated
0:24:54 > 0:24:57three very personal prizes tonight.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59A kiss.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01CHEERING
0:25:01 > 0:25:03A sexy dance.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05CHEERING
0:25:05 > 0:25:07And an erotic finger suck.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Now, Kimberly did offer a star prize as well,
0:25:13 > 0:25:15but it was so filthy that one of our BBC lawyers
0:25:15 > 0:25:17immediately handed in their resignation.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20What was it?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22WHISPERS AND THEN BLEATS LIKE A SHEEP
0:25:25 > 0:25:26That's what I call hot!
0:25:27 > 0:25:32The only thing we haven't mentioned is these five boxes.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34They are a crucial part of this totally original format
0:25:34 > 0:25:37that we definitely didn't copy from anyone else.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Every time you - blobby blobby! - get an answer right...
0:25:40 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:43..we'll open a box.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47In each box, there is one name. Why have we agreed to this?
0:25:47 > 0:25:52And those names are mine, Greg, or Kimberly's.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55And whoever's name is revealed will be the person
0:25:55 > 0:25:57who you actually get the prize from.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00GROANING, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:06 > 0:26:09With a bit of luck, you might get a kiss from Kimberly.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Although, there is a chance that you'll end up
0:26:12 > 0:26:14with Russell sucking off your finger.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Let me tell you, I take it deep.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22Let's get started with question one for the kiss.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24When is Kimberly's birthday?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- 4th February.- It's right.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29He's won the kiss. Well done, well done.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Who will this close-mouthed kiss be from?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Who would you want it to be from?
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Obviously Kimberly.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- That's not what I heard.- Homophobe.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Kimberly, if you'd like to go and choose a box.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47This is genuinely horrible.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05I hate you.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Greg...
0:27:11 > 0:27:16Greg, if you'd like to take the position in front of the podium.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- We'll cue the formal kiss in a moment.- What, on the...?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Yeah, kiss just on the lips and hold it for two seconds.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Let's build a bit of atmosphere.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Let's count him down, ladies and gentlemen, from five.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41ALL TOGETHER: Five, four, three, two, one.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Kiss!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- HE QUAVERS - Do it! Do it!
0:27:46 > 0:27:50WHISTLING AND CHEERING
0:27:55 > 0:27:58# Kiss! #
0:28:07 > 0:28:09So the fun just rapidly runs out as I realise
0:28:09 > 0:28:11it's time for question two.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13He was tender, I'll give him that.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17The glasses came off and he was like a different person!
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Now, this is for the sexy dance.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23At what age did Kimberly start dancing?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Um...
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Seven.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29- Kimberly, is that correct? - Yes, it is.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32It's correct, he won the sexy dance.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38I've got to be honest, this is the one I wouldn't mind so much, right?
0:28:38 > 0:28:40I love dancing.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44But who will bump and grind?
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Kimberly, please pick a box.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50I want this one. Get it out the way on the dance.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05# Ooh, come and get you some Come and get you some
0:29:05 > 0:29:10# Ooh, ooh, come and get you some Come and get you some
0:29:10 > 0:29:14# Ooh, come and get you some Come and get you some, ooh, ooh
0:29:14 > 0:29:17# Come and get you some Come and get you some
0:29:17 > 0:29:20# Ooh, come and get you some Come and get you some... #
0:29:20 > 0:29:23CHEERING
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Boner! Boner!
0:29:27 > 0:29:30- Boner!- Boner!- Boner!
0:29:37 > 0:29:41Question three... is for the finger job.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47What does the tattoo on Kimberly's arm say?
0:29:47 > 0:29:49The answer will have to be absolutely correct.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51We need the name of the font as well.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Has it got a little heart and then "life", so, "love life"?
0:29:58 > 0:30:00What does that say? Let's have a close-up.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04Congratulations. You've won the finger suck.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13OK, this really is a money-can't-buy prize,
0:30:13 > 0:30:16because no-one would ever want to buy it.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19It's a finger job to completion!
0:30:20 > 0:30:21Whatever that is.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24It was funny when I wrote it earlier. It's not so funny now.
0:30:27 > 0:30:31- Kimberly, please pick a box. - Oh, my God.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42I'm not doing it. I can't do it. I genuinely can't do it.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49- It's always the way with the campest men.- Ryan, present your finger!
0:30:49 > 0:30:53# Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? #
0:30:53 > 0:30:55Look how dirty Ryan's hands are!
0:30:59 > 0:31:00He's lubing up.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06I'm just going to get it hard first.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16I've never sucked a man's finger before.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Just because I'm camp, doesn't mean I enjoyed that.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39- How are you feeling, young man? - You enjoyed it!- Not great.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42That's one of the worst things I've ever done.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45I have got a suggestion off the back of that -
0:31:45 > 0:31:48why don't we never, ever play Doll Or No Doll ever again?
0:31:48 > 0:31:49Thank you very much, Kimberly.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Now, where were we? That was the final question.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00So the winner of tonight's Man Versus Woman is Kimberly!
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Which means, to go with your other prizes,
0:32:08 > 0:32:13you also win the star prize, which is the Hollyoaks Hunks calendar.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Greg's drawn knobs on every picture.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18- Congratulations, well done, darling.- Thank you.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25More from Kimberly, but not before we send Russell to a place
0:32:25 > 0:32:29teeming with social rejection, casual violence and sexual humiliation.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31He means my school days.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Ah, school. For 70% of us,
0:32:35 > 0:32:38definitely not the happiest days of our lives.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42Congratulations if you were with the 30% who were cool.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44But for the rest of us, there was no cool,
0:32:44 > 0:32:48no girlfriends, no masculine pride, nothing.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52If a girl so much looked at me in the school corridor,
0:32:52 > 0:32:54I went off like a punched icing bag.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Hiya!
0:32:56 > 0:33:00The gym was the worst place - my concave chest with one pube,
0:33:00 > 0:33:04my dad at home banging on about how good he was at rugby.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06I just pick the ball up and I walk with it.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09You're nothing, you skinny little shit!
0:33:10 > 0:33:14Some of us fancied our PE teachers, especially gay people.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17A whopping 24% of you guys.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21Which one of you lot wants to help me empty this ball bag?
0:33:21 > 0:33:23I'll give it a bloody try.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25What?!
0:33:25 > 0:33:26The law of the jungle.
0:33:26 > 0:33:30For the 30% of you that loved school, you loved this place,
0:33:30 > 0:33:31the playground.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35You had your cool nicknames. Casher, Basher, Masher, Trasher.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38I had my nickname - it was Piss Off Tosser.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40- Piss off, tosser.- All right?!
0:33:40 > 0:33:43She's still using it! Classic! Ow!
0:33:43 > 0:33:44Tosser!
0:33:44 > 0:33:49The bike sheds, the place where I got zero action.
0:33:49 > 0:33:55I'm in that 20% of boys that tried to give themselves a blow job.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58That climbs to 44% in a private school.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Goddamn it, Olly. If only I could nosh my own knob.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Try smearing hummus on it as an incentive.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06OMG! This dip's organic.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11There we have it. The school years.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14The years of rejection, inadequacy and outsiderness,
0:34:14 > 0:34:18but that's training for the rest of life.
0:34:18 > 0:34:19School's out.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27So school days are not the happiest days of most British people's lives
0:34:27 > 0:34:29especially if you went to school with me.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Who here couldn't wait to leave school?
0:34:31 > 0:34:33CHEERING
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Rebels(!)
0:34:35 > 0:34:38- Kimberly, did you enjoy school? - I did and I didn't.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41I was definitely ready to be done, but I was quite a good school kid.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43LAUGHTER
0:34:45 > 0:34:51The reason that happened was because you said, "I was ready to be done."
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Over here, we get the impression all American schools are dancing around,
0:34:54 > 0:34:58like, perfect teeth - is that what it's like?
0:34:58 > 0:35:01No. Not at all. I grew up in a small farm town.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04So I had a lot of cowboys at my school.
0:35:04 > 0:35:09Did they ride into lessons? "I've got my cleats! D'uh!"
0:35:10 > 0:35:14A little bit like that! There's a big FFA foundation.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Do you have FFA here?
0:35:16 > 0:35:19- "For fu..." What? - Future Farmers of America.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22Obviously you wouldn't have it here! Right!
0:35:23 > 0:35:27They would have boots and shorts day at school.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31This is the best school ever! Did you have a nickname at school?
0:35:31 > 0:35:33- K-Dog.- Standard.- Standard.
0:35:33 > 0:35:39- Russ?- Anyone want to share? What's your name, darling?
0:35:39 > 0:35:42- Hannah.- OK, Hannah.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45What was your nickname? Goldilocks, Blondie, Sweetie Pie?
0:35:45 > 0:35:47I wish.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49- It was Phantom Shitter. - No, it was Phantom...
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Everyone would come in in the mornings
0:35:56 > 0:35:59and there'd be shit smeared all over the toilet walls,
0:35:59 > 0:36:02all over the corridor walls, all in the lockers, everything,
0:36:02 > 0:36:06and whenever anyone spoke about it, apparently I went quiet.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10- It was always the quiet ones. - Did you go to school in an asylum?
0:36:11 > 0:36:14- Was it you?- No!
0:36:14 > 0:36:17- It wasn't me.- It wasn't me! - It is still going on.
0:36:17 > 0:36:22It was the headmaster. "This is what I think of you!"
0:36:22 > 0:36:23Maybe he was just a pervert!
0:36:23 > 0:36:29"Let the children look at my poo. Look at my poo, children."
0:36:31 > 0:36:32Any other nicknames in da house?
0:36:34 > 0:36:36It is Adam, ladies and gentlemen.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43Those of you who watch this show every week
0:36:43 > 0:36:45will know Adam has been on before.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Once he threw up on someone's willy.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Another week he broke the frenulum of a man's penis.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53- A lovely character, Adam.- Yeah!
0:36:53 > 0:36:58- I'm guessing your nickname involves a bum or a willy or something?- Yes.
0:36:58 > 0:37:04Basically, I was called, yeah, Toothbrush Boy.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06That doesn't sound too bad, does it?
0:37:06 > 0:37:10Apparently, on a school trip to Spain,
0:37:10 > 0:37:12I shoved a tooth brush up my arse.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16Did you floss afterwards?
0:37:16 > 0:37:18I can't say I did, no.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21- Did you really do it or not? - I genuinely can't remember.
0:37:21 > 0:37:26It does sound like something I would do, in all fairness.
0:37:26 > 0:37:27- But I can't... - I don't know about you,
0:37:27 > 0:37:31but when I shove things in my bum, I tend to recall them.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35You forget that I'm gay. It is a regular occurrence.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37I hope you're not suggest...
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Well...!
0:37:48 > 0:37:49Give me your finger(!)
0:37:51 > 0:37:55Two lovely heartwarming stories there.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Shit smeared on the wall,
0:37:57 > 0:37:59the other poured Listerine into his ringpiece.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05- Any embarrassing high school memories?- I definitely have.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08During a performance, I was doing ballet,
0:38:08 > 0:38:12I had my point shoes on and this long tutu,
0:38:12 > 0:38:14and I went into an air bask, and you step into it,
0:38:14 > 0:38:18and my point shoe got caught on my skirt
0:38:18 > 0:38:20and as I went up into it, my whole top came down
0:38:20 > 0:38:22and then went back up as I came out.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24How old were you?
0:38:24 > 0:38:26I was like 12. Mosquito bites.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Get it out of your heads now.
0:38:32 > 0:38:36Something makes me think that the Unzipped sample
0:38:36 > 0:38:39- can maybe top that story. Russell.- No doubt it can.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41- But before we ask the Unzipped sample...- Oh...!
0:38:41 > 0:38:45..I thought we should delve into Greg's past!
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Ha-ha! Cos I sucked a finger earlier!
0:38:50 > 0:38:54Anyone want to see a school photo of a very young Greg James?
0:38:54 > 0:38:55CHEERING
0:38:55 > 0:38:56Check it out.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02- Then the chin of power starts to develop in photo two.- Don't!
0:39:04 > 0:39:07That's two years ago. He's changed a lot, hasn't he?
0:39:07 > 0:39:12You probably think Greg is a cool, music industry type person
0:39:12 > 0:39:13hanging out with pop stars.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16I dread to think what rebellious comments
0:39:16 > 0:39:17are on Greg's school report.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21"Greg has been an excellent deputy head boy.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25"He has become a mature, independent young man
0:39:25 > 0:39:27"with a wonderful sense of humour.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31"He has a bright future ahead of him."
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Right, sorry about that, Greg. Nerd!
0:39:34 > 0:39:37I didn't get reports at the institution, of course.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38Just progress on a chart.
0:39:40 > 0:39:45Who's got into trouble at school? Anyone? The guy in front of me.
0:39:45 > 0:39:50So...how did you get into trouble at school?
0:39:50 > 0:39:54What mischievous scampery did you get up to, you tinker?
0:39:54 > 0:39:57Well, back in the day, I had a nice English teacher
0:39:57 > 0:40:02who I really fancied, so I thought I would show that appreciation
0:40:02 > 0:40:05by using a wig that we were using as a pubic hair,
0:40:05 > 0:40:07and flopping it out and cracking one out in class.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Hold on, d'you mean, you mock masturbated?
0:40:16 > 0:40:18You don't mean you actually started...fully...
0:40:18 > 0:40:21I was pulling it back and forth, getting it bigger.
0:40:23 > 0:40:27You went at yourself like a chief at a tribal drum?
0:40:27 > 0:40:32She ran out crying before I could get going properly.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34A fun story, or as you might know it, sexual assault.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Heartwarming tale, there.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Anyone else? I'll just leave you
0:40:38 > 0:40:41to think about what you've said on telly, there.
0:40:41 > 0:40:46- What's your name?- Lizzy.- Shut up. How did you get into trouble?
0:40:46 > 0:40:48I went to an all-girls Catholic school.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Oh, God! Greg, you might need to bring a cushion in a second.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53What happened?
0:40:53 > 0:40:57- We was really bored one lunchtime. - Oh, God!
0:40:57 > 0:41:02You're going to start lezzing off, aren't you? It is, isn't it?
0:41:02 > 0:41:04We started playing spin the bottle.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07- What, all girls? - We just started kissing each other
0:41:07 > 0:41:10and then the guy that worked at the offices opposite the school,
0:41:10 > 0:41:14saw in, and rang in and complained
0:41:14 > 0:41:17- and that's how I got in trouble. - You started playing spin the bottle
0:41:17 > 0:41:20and it just descended into all getting off with each other?
0:41:20 > 0:41:24I knew this happened! I knew it wasn't just in my mind!
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Back to you, Greg.
0:41:27 > 0:41:32Can you remember your first kiss, not lesbian kiss, just kiss?
0:41:32 > 0:41:38It was at a theatre or cinema with a boy named Herman, from Guam.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40Herman.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42- Herman.- Really?- Yep.
0:41:42 > 0:41:47Let me just squeeze in. How hot are you? I'm going to get sunburn!
0:41:47 > 0:41:50What's your name, Hotson McHot?
0:41:50 > 0:41:52- Taylor.- Taylor.
0:41:52 > 0:41:56- When was your first kiss? - I've never had a first kiss.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01- So you've never been kissed in your life?- No.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04- How old are you?- 18. - And you've never been kissed?- No.
0:42:04 > 0:42:08- How come? Is it morals, religion, or what?- I'm waiting for a decent guy.
0:42:08 > 0:42:12- Sort of like you, Greg.- I'm Russell.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Every week, the girls prefer Greg.
0:42:28 > 0:42:31Every week! That's unbelievable!
0:42:31 > 0:42:36- Oh, my God! - No, it's your face, but it's my name!
0:42:36 > 0:42:38Having heard the amazing stories,
0:42:38 > 0:42:43what have you learnt about the British education system?
0:42:43 > 0:42:47Do you want to be on the first plane out of this shithole?
0:42:47 > 0:42:49Well, thanks for sharing and I'm sorry
0:42:49 > 0:42:51if you heard anything tonight that upset you.
0:42:51 > 0:42:55Just remember, that lot don't get out much at all. They really don't.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01How normal are you? Are you quirky, boring or completely gaga?
0:43:01 > 0:43:05Check out Britain Unzipped on the BBC Three website.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07Each week, we'll add new questions
0:43:07 > 0:43:10to help you find out how your social life, work life, and even sex life
0:43:10 > 0:43:12compares to the rest of Britain.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15We'll provide you with a personalised report.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18It's up to you whether you share it with your friends
0:43:18 > 0:43:22or keep it as our little secret. Just go to bbc.co.uk/bbcthree
0:43:22 > 0:43:23and click on Britain Unzipped.
0:43:27 > 0:43:28Thank you for your applause.
0:43:28 > 0:43:33But Russell and I have a very important announcement to make.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36Thank you, Greg. Despite our attempts to provide
0:43:36 > 0:43:39"a witty and vibrant snapshot of modern Britain..."
0:43:39 > 0:43:42- Not our words, the words of the official BBC press release.- Indeed!
0:43:42 > 0:43:48We realise we might occasionally have overstepped the mark
0:43:48 > 0:43:51in our attempts to, for want of a better word, entertain.
0:43:51 > 0:43:56Crucially, we overlooked something, or more accurately, someone.
0:43:56 > 0:43:59Fans will know Britain Unzipped contains risque language
0:43:59 > 0:44:04and discussion of an adult nature, but we had forgotten about Lydia.
0:44:04 > 0:44:07"Who's Lydia?", I hear you ask.
0:44:07 > 0:44:10Lydia is one of those lovely people that do the signing version
0:44:10 > 0:44:12of this show, for our deaf viewers.
0:44:12 > 0:44:17And if you are nocturnal, like all deaf people, apparently,
0:44:17 > 0:44:18you may have seen Lydia in action
0:44:18 > 0:44:22- during a 4am repeat of this very show.- Yeah.
0:44:22 > 0:44:24As the following clip demonstrates,
0:44:24 > 0:44:27we didn't take Lydia into account during a recent episode
0:44:27 > 0:44:31when I used an elaborate simile involving a church candle
0:44:31 > 0:44:34to describe a gentleman's ejaculate.
0:44:35 > 0:44:38Let's dim the lights. Holly, do you have your torch at the ready?
0:44:38 > 0:44:39- Oh, no.- Are you ready?
0:44:39 > 0:44:43With this light I shall reveal your antics of what you have been up to.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45Let's just scan the sheet here.
0:44:45 > 0:44:46SCREAMS
0:44:46 > 0:44:48Oh, look at that!
0:44:48 > 0:44:51- That's DNA! - That's got a major one there.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53Look at that.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56It looks like someone's knocked over a church candle.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03Can I buy you a drink?
0:45:04 > 0:45:07Clearly Greg wasn't thinking about Lydia either
0:45:07 > 0:45:11when he embarked on a conversation involving oral sex and vomit.
0:45:11 > 0:45:19We were in a nightclub and when we started...
0:45:19 > 0:45:22performing oral sex, I vomited.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24LAUGHTER
0:45:27 > 0:45:30Poor Lydia. Let's look at it again!
0:45:31 > 0:45:33SLOWED DOWN SPEECH
0:45:36 > 0:45:39APPLAUSE
0:45:42 > 0:45:46We are both really sorry and promise never, ever to do that again.
0:45:46 > 0:45:49From now on, we will watch our language. We will be more creative,
0:45:49 > 0:45:52we will think first before saying things that may cause you a problem.
0:45:52 > 0:45:58Yes, like hung like a horse, titwank, gonorrhoea and Jedward.
0:45:58 > 0:46:00Yeah.
0:46:00 > 0:46:04Or squealed like a big, reverse cowgirl, skidmark,
0:46:04 > 0:46:07Katie Price and fuck me sideways. Good luck!
0:46:07 > 0:46:08Sorry, Lydia!
0:46:08 > 0:46:10APPLAUSE
0:46:12 > 0:46:15Moving on, according to the Britain Unzipped report,
0:46:15 > 0:46:1740% of us would like to speak to animals. Russ?
0:46:17 > 0:46:21Yes, I can... I don't know if it counts as speaking to animals,
0:46:21 > 0:46:25but I have trained both my cats, Keith and Wayne, to sit on command
0:46:25 > 0:46:27and high-five, both of them, like that.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30And, you know, when you split up with someone,
0:46:30 > 0:46:33well, you learn how many tears a cat can absorb.
0:46:34 > 0:46:38The question was, could we find somebody who believed
0:46:38 > 0:46:40that this skill was possible?
0:46:40 > 0:46:43Please welcome Andy and Layla.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45APPLAUSE
0:46:51 > 0:46:54Now, Andy got in touch with us, saying his wife Layla
0:46:54 > 0:46:56not only loved animals, but would be the perfect person
0:46:56 > 0:46:59to be involved in a new TV show that I was hosting.
0:46:59 > 0:47:03What she didn't know was that the show was a fake.
0:47:03 > 0:47:07- Layla, looking forward to it? - I feel sick.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10This is The Pet Whisperer.
0:47:15 > 0:47:20Welcome to Brighton, where filming is just getting started for...oh, shush!
0:47:22 > 0:47:25That's Aubury, an actor. He's playing our expert,
0:47:25 > 0:47:29a modern-day Doctor Dolittle, who is going to "talk" to the animals.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31Helping him are a couple of actors and their pets.
0:47:31 > 0:47:33All are here with one goal in minute,
0:47:33 > 0:47:37to make Layla believe that her cat, Max, can talk.
0:47:37 > 0:47:40So, as soon as they arrive, clearly suspecting nothing,
0:47:40 > 0:47:43the nerdy Britain Unzipped/Pet Whisperer,
0:47:43 > 0:47:46oh, shush, camera crew, waste no time in getting the show going.
0:47:46 > 0:47:47So, Dan, if you wouldn't mind,
0:47:47 > 0:47:50- let's pop your dog onto the table. - Come on.
0:47:50 > 0:47:54Phase one, convince our mark that this is the real deal
0:47:54 > 0:47:57so Aubury makes up some nonsense about the dog's spirit or something
0:47:57 > 0:47:58and Layla gets sucked in.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01Phase two. Push things a little further.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04Will Layla believe everything that Aubury says?
0:48:04 > 0:48:05When your lover comes around,
0:48:05 > 0:48:09he is feeling a little bit left out and embarrassed
0:48:09 > 0:48:11because, well, you had him neutered.
0:48:11 > 0:48:14Yes. Yes, she will. This is too easy!
0:48:15 > 0:48:17So, Aubrey has Layla convinced.
0:48:17 > 0:48:21Time for Max the cat to air her dirty laundry in public.
0:48:21 > 0:48:24On a national TV show.
0:48:24 > 0:48:27- Why have you brought Max to see us? - I just wanted to know if he's happy.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30He's saying he used to enjoy spending lots of time with you
0:48:30 > 0:48:33- on the sofa...- Yep. - ..but doesn't do it too much now.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36- Right...- Does that mean...?
0:48:36 > 0:48:38- He doesn't spend as much time any more, no.- He doesn't?
0:48:38 > 0:48:44- What he's saying is, he prefers a different type of programme.- Right!
0:48:44 > 0:48:46Oh, Britain Unzipped?
0:48:46 > 0:48:49- Documentaries.- Oh. - Do you watch many documentaries?
0:48:49 > 0:48:52- No.- No. That's a bit rude!
0:48:52 > 0:48:55He is saying the soaps are rotting your brain.
0:48:55 > 0:48:57- CAT MIAOWS - Yes!
0:48:57 > 0:49:00That's right, isn't it?!
0:49:00 > 0:49:03Now, what Max is telling me - don't take this the wrong way -
0:49:03 > 0:49:06sometimes he feels you're talking down to him.
0:49:06 > 0:49:07- OK!- Do you talk to him like one of the kids?
0:49:07 > 0:49:09- I do talk to him...- Like a baby.
0:49:09 > 0:49:13I wonder what Max has to say about Layla's other household activities.
0:49:13 > 0:49:16Time for Aubrey to give it a little of what I like to call,
0:49:16 > 0:49:18how the hell did he know that?
0:49:18 > 0:49:21This is...
0:49:21 > 0:49:22OK, are you sure?
0:49:22 > 0:49:27OK. Now, he is asking a big favour of you.
0:49:27 > 0:49:29When you go to the lavatory...
0:49:29 > 0:49:31- Yes.- Do you always shut the door?
0:49:31 > 0:49:37- No...!- For Max's sake, could you?- Yes.
0:49:37 > 0:49:39Max is asking you to apologise?
0:49:39 > 0:49:43Well, I'm sorry.
0:49:43 > 0:49:47- Try it like this. Dearest Max. - Dearest Max.
0:49:47 > 0:49:49I am sorry to leave the door open...
0:49:49 > 0:49:52I am sorry to leave the door open when I am in the toilet.
0:49:52 > 0:49:55And I promise to watch less soap operas and more documentaries.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57- And finally...- And finally...
0:49:57 > 0:50:01I am sorry that he has completely stitched you.
0:50:01 > 0:50:02Oh, my God!
0:50:02 > 0:50:06Stitch-up over. Here comes our mole, Andy, but something tells me
0:50:06 > 0:50:09he will be in the doghouse later, or divorced.
0:50:09 > 0:50:13I can't believe you have done this to me!
0:50:13 > 0:50:15APPLAUSE
0:50:23 > 0:50:26Shush! The Pet Whisperer, shush!
0:50:26 > 0:50:29Layla, have you taken on board the advice?
0:50:29 > 0:50:32I mean, do you still poo with the door open?
0:50:32 > 0:50:34- I have started shutting the bathroom door.- Really?
0:50:34 > 0:50:39- How does it feel watching that back? - Embarrassing. Mortified is the word.
0:50:39 > 0:50:43I think it is a great show. Thank you for taking part.
0:50:43 > 0:50:48Please give my love to Max the cat. Andy and Layla. Thank you very much.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51APPLAUSE
0:50:53 > 0:50:58On with the show and there is booze to be won. This is Celebs Unzipped!
0:50:58 > 0:51:00APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:51:08 > 0:51:10Tonight we've learned a lot about the British public.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13It is time to ditch the cheap seats and start mingling
0:51:13 > 0:51:15with some proper celebs, and who better to lead us to the free bar
0:51:15 > 0:51:16than Kimberly Wyatt?
0:51:16 > 0:51:19APPLAUSE
0:51:20 > 0:51:23It is time to find out what you know about British celebs.
0:51:23 > 0:51:24This is our Celebs Unzipped board.
0:51:28 > 0:51:30LAUGHTER
0:51:37 > 0:51:39APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:51:43 > 0:51:47That is the most messed up thing I have ever seen.
0:51:47 > 0:51:51- Oh, my God.- That is amazing. - Put me back in Ibiza, man.
0:51:51 > 0:51:55This is our Celebs Unzipped board, you bastards. Where is it?
0:51:55 > 0:51:56LAUGHTER
0:51:58 > 0:52:00As you can see, there are beautiful
0:52:00 > 0:52:02celebrity faces staring down at you from that board.
0:52:02 > 0:52:05Names such as Jessie J, Christine Bleakley
0:52:05 > 0:52:09and international superstars like Kirk Norcross from TOWIE, Joe Swash
0:52:09 > 0:52:13and Stuart Baggs off The Apprentice. Series six.
0:52:13 > 0:52:17All you need to do is pick one of the squares
0:52:17 > 0:52:19and answer a question about the celebrity featured.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22All the questions are related to the stats we have uncovered.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25Mwahaha! Stats!
0:52:25 > 0:52:27Get enough questions right and you will win something
0:52:27 > 0:52:30for everyone in tonight's studio audience.
0:52:30 > 0:52:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:52:36 > 0:52:39Get it wrong and we'll put you on an aeroplane
0:52:39 > 0:52:41back to the bit underneath Canada.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43LAUGHTER
0:52:43 > 0:52:46This week's prize is Kimberley's favourite drink. What is that drink?
0:52:46 > 0:52:50- Red wine. - If this goes well, everyone wins...
0:52:50 > 0:52:54# Red, red wine... #
0:52:57 > 0:53:00And don't panic, audience. We will, of course,
0:53:00 > 0:53:04be administering that wine in the form of shots.
0:53:04 > 0:53:08# Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots, shots, shots! Everybody! #
0:53:08 > 0:53:11Can I have the sort of music that promises tension,
0:53:11 > 0:53:15even if the gameplay usually fails to deliver.
0:53:15 > 0:53:19TENSE MUSIC
0:53:19 > 0:53:20Yeah!
0:53:22 > 0:53:24Kimberley, pick your first celebrity, please.
0:53:24 > 0:53:28- Kirk. - You are going to pick Kirk Norcross.
0:53:28 > 0:53:29OK.
0:53:29 > 0:53:31OK.
0:53:31 > 0:53:3717% of people use social networking to find people they fancy,
0:53:37 > 0:53:40but do you think that TOWIE'S Kirk Norcross does that?
0:53:40 > 0:53:42AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:53:42 > 0:53:45- Yes.- Yes?- Yes.
0:53:45 > 0:53:48I use social networking to have sex, really.
0:53:48 > 0:53:51It is just easy, isn't it?
0:53:51 > 0:53:53When you're sitting on social network sites
0:53:53 > 0:53:56at stupid o'clock at night when you come in from a club,
0:53:56 > 0:53:59there is a lot of drunk people on the internet.
0:54:00 > 0:54:02That explains a lot!
0:54:02 > 0:54:04APPLAUSE
0:54:07 > 0:54:11- We checked and Kirk tweets you a fair bit.- Yes, he has.
0:54:11 > 0:54:15I think I have got a few marriage proposals from him through Twitter.
0:54:15 > 0:54:21- What did you say? - I don't think I said anything.
0:54:21 > 0:54:22Please pick a celebrity.
0:54:22 > 0:54:27- Greg.- Oh, right, me.- Are you sure you mean him or do you mean me?
0:54:27 > 0:54:29APPLAUSE
0:54:36 > 0:54:38Never been kissed.
0:54:42 > 0:54:47Talking of first kisses, we asked Greg to describe his first kiss.
0:54:47 > 0:54:51Did he say... There is no winner here!
0:54:51 > 0:54:56"Sloppy and wet, but I got a boner," or - please let it be this one -
0:54:56 > 0:54:59"Tender and loving and I cried with joy?"
0:54:59 > 0:55:01LAUGHTER
0:55:01 > 0:55:03I don't know the answer to this.
0:55:03 > 0:55:07Kimberley, what do you think Greg said? Audience, feel free to help.
0:55:07 > 0:55:09SHOUTING
0:55:11 > 0:55:12Boner.
0:55:14 > 0:55:18Greg, what did you actually say?
0:55:18 > 0:55:19What was your first kiss like?
0:55:19 > 0:55:23It was sloppy and wet and I had a boner.
0:55:23 > 0:55:25CHEERING
0:55:27 > 0:55:30I can remember being in school uniform with loose trousers
0:55:30 > 0:55:32and I to walk home...
0:55:32 > 0:55:35You need one more for wine for everybody.
0:55:35 > 0:55:39- You've done really well. - What do you think? Swash?
0:55:39 > 0:55:42CROWD: Swash!
0:55:44 > 0:55:47- Swash?- Right, let's go for Swash.
0:55:49 > 0:55:52It is time for our Joe Swash question of the week.
0:55:54 > 0:55:56We asked Joe which letter came after A?
0:55:56 > 0:55:58LAUGHTER
0:55:59 > 0:56:02Did he say "Smurfs" or, "I did a plop-plop"?
0:56:02 > 0:56:03LAUGHTER
0:56:05 > 0:56:09That's not a genuine question. It is just as bizarre, what we asked him.
0:56:09 > 0:56:15We asked Joe if he had to have sex with an animal, what would it be?
0:56:15 > 0:56:18A kangaroo, a dolphin or someone from Southend?
0:56:18 > 0:56:21LAUGHTER
0:56:21 > 0:56:23- A kangaroo or a dolphin? - A kangaroo...
0:56:23 > 0:56:27If he had to have sex with an animal, would he choose...
0:56:27 > 0:56:28CROWD SHOUTS
0:56:28 > 0:56:31What are you saying?
0:56:31 > 0:56:32A dolphin?
0:56:32 > 0:56:35- You are saying dolphin.- Yeah! - All right, let's have a look.
0:56:37 > 0:56:40If I had to choose an animal to mate with,
0:56:40 > 0:56:43I think I would choose an animal from the sea,
0:56:43 > 0:56:46because I don't want to have sex with a furry thing.
0:56:48 > 0:56:50I would have sex with a dolphin.
0:56:50 > 0:56:52CHEERING
0:56:57 > 0:57:00Which means you have won. Come and join us, Kimberly!
0:57:00 > 0:57:02CHEERING Congratulations.
0:57:02 > 0:57:06Thanks you to, Kimberly, everyone here tonight wins...
0:57:06 > 0:57:10# Red, red wine...#
0:57:10 > 0:57:13I want to dance with Kimberley!
0:57:13 > 0:57:16That's all we have time for tonight. A huge thank you
0:57:16 > 0:57:18to our special guest, Kimberly Wyatt.
0:57:18 > 0:57:19CHEERING
0:57:19 > 0:57:24Thank you to Ryan, Kimberly's opponent in Man Vs Woman,
0:57:24 > 0:57:28and Layla and Max, the stars of Shh! The Pet Whisperer,
0:57:28 > 0:57:30and, of course, Lydia.
0:57:30 > 0:57:34We will be back next week with more strange results from that report.
0:57:34 > 0:57:37You can go online any time and complete your own report.
0:57:37 > 0:57:41Just go to the BBC Three website and click on Britain Unzipped.
0:57:41 > 0:57:44- Thanks for watching, see you next time! Bye!- Bye!
0:57:44 > 0:57:46CHEERING
0:58:07 > 0:58:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd