0:00:00 > 0:00:00- Subtitles
0:00:00 > 0:00:02- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:00:03 > 0:00:09- # AVE VERUM CORPUS # - Mozart
0:00:16 > 0:00:21- We played in Maesgeirchen, - by the River Cegin...
0:00:21 > 0:00:25- ..in the wood, - running from tree to tree.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27- We pretended to shoot each other.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32- I enjoyed being out - on the Black Mountain.
0:00:32 > 0:00:39- I liked playing soldiers as a child, - in the woods and on the mountains.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40- Cowboys and Indians.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- Cowboys and Indians.- - Goodies and Baddies.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- John Wayne was everyone's hero.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- When I was young...
0:00:49 > 0:00:55- ..I remember crawling with a friend - in long grass in my father's garden.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00- The Indians went out - on the Black Mountain.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- For an hour or two, you saw no-one.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- I pretended to be in the army.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- I pretended to be in the army.- - We argued about who killed the most.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16- We pretended to kill each other, - running and hiding.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20- Then they came from behind - the rocks. It was marvellous.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- Yes, it was a laugh.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- It was marvellous.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31- Now I'm older - and I've had these experiences...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- ..I'm not so naive.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- It was fun, - having a laugh with the boys.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- But it wasn't true.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- Since mankind existed, - war has existed.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- There are references to war - in historical literature.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- Looking back at the literature...
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- ..we see the symptoms - now known as PTSD...
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- ..or common psychological problems.
0:02:32 > 0:02:38- We know that people suffered - psychologically in World War I.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Maybe it was the first time...
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- ..we saw that people - can suffer psychologically.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53- War and fighting methods - have changed...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- ..and so have the problems.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02- Because of the stigma attached to - mental health problems in general...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- ..the media don't always help us...
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- ..to understand - psychological problems.
0:03:20 > 0:03:25- I remember going to Army Careers, - to try to join up.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- Everyone said, "Yes, - you can join up." I was happy.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- We went down to Swansea...
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- ..to the Careers Office.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43- I thought, "Yes, that's me. - I know what I'm supposed to be."
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- I was very close to my grandfather.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- I wanted to make him proud of me.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- I went on the train to Aldershot, - to Buller Barracks.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- There was quite a big gang of us - from North Wales...
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- ..from Blaenau and Anglesey.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07- A lot of us first met when we went - to catch the train in Bangor.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- When I joined, - people who were important to me...
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- ..like my grandfathers - and Uncle Lewis had passed away.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- They never saw me there.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22- It was good to meet people from - outside Bangor and make new friends.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23- Great.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28- I was a Junior Guardsman in the - Welsh Guards at sixteen and a half.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- You got the uniform.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- We had Physical Training every day, - a lot of press-ups and sit-ups.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- It was a shock to the system.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43- We ran or marched everywhere. - Mostly, we ran everywhere.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- I was more confident.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- You feel like John Wayne.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- Mam would say - I was a bit more cocky.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- The training was hellishly tough.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- It knocks everything out of you, - then rebuilds you.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- It gives you a lot of confidence.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- It helps you pick up things quickly.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- If they tried - to teach you something...
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- ..and you didn't pick it up at once, - they punished you.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17- No-one wanted that. They made us - run and all sorts of things.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22- If you didn't want that, - you had to pick things up quickly.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- The camaraderie - is a huge part of the army.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32- We played pranks all the time. - You daren't leave your locker open.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38- We were staying in a windy place, - in a small camp on a mountain top.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43- During the day, we were by the sea, - so the salty wind dried the skin.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- It affected - one of the lads quite badly.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- In the army, your kit should - always be within reach...
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- ..in case you need it suddenly.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- When you're in camp, - you don't think like that.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- If you forgot, - you got bricks in your pack.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05- There was a pile of food - under my sheets when I went to bed.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- "Have you got cream? - My skin is dry."
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- I gave him a tube of Algipan.
0:06:11 > 0:06:17- I lay down on about - 5 worth of chips from McDonald's.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Instead of 25 kilos, you had 35.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- If you played a joke on someone, - you expected it back...
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- ..maybe ten times worse.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- I hid for ages from Big Kev, - who was six foot eight.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- Got to roll with the punches!
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- The passing out parade - in Harrogate was very big.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- It was August, 1975.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- My parents, brothers and sisters - came and grandmother too.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- It was great.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- You were on cloud nine.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- We had to do demonstrations.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- I did one part - in front of the families.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- I looked for Mam, Dad - and the family.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- When you saw them, you grew an inch. - Stomach in, chest out job.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- I had to do press-ups - in front of everyone.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- I heard Ant shout "Dad!"
0:07:16 > 0:07:20- I'm sure I did 1,000 press-ups, - I felt so strong.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- I probably didn't!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- I thought, "This is the next step.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36- "What's the next experience? - I'll try that, to test myself."
0:07:39 > 0:07:40- Away.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54- I wasn't just Maldwyn, - I was a soldier, a Welsh Guardsman.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- I've done it. - I'm a soldier now.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04- In 1982, we heard about Argentina - and the Falklands invasion.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09- No-one knew where the Falklands - were, near the Shetlands, maybe.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- They asked for volunteers - to go to Afghanistan...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- ..with the Coldstream Guards.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20- I volunteered, - with about fourteen others.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- It was a shock to the system.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- One moment, - I was in camp in Britain...
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- ..the next, in Camp Bastion.
0:08:28 > 0:08:34- I'd only been going out - with my wife for a few months.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- I had to leave her for seven months.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- You prepare yourself as much - as you can for the fighting.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- You look after yourself - and your friends.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51- But no-one can prepare you - for what you'll see.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- "With confidence - in our armed forces...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- "..with the unbounding - determination."
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- "We have to do what is necessary."
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- "Just two hours ago, allied - air forces began an attack...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- "..on military targets - in Iraq and Kuwait."
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- "The attack was carried out - by a four nation force.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- "United States forces, British - forces, Saudi Arabian forces...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- "..and Kuwaiti forces."
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- "Tonight, - British servicemen and women...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- "..are engaged from air, - land and sea.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- "Their mission, to remove - Saddam Hussein from power...
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- "..and disarm Iraq - of its weapons of mass destruction."
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- "We will win this conflict by the - patient accumulation of successes...
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- "..by meeting a series - of challenges with determination...
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- "..and will and purpose."
0:09:40 > 0:09:41- .
0:09:47 > 0:09:47- Subtitles
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- I was very proud.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- I was scared.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10- But I know that's what - he wanted to be part of.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- He was going - to do his job as a medic.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- That's where he wanted to be.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- So I was very proud - he could go and do that.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- I was at home with the children.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- The children and my own family...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- ..were a great support.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- I only had four weeks' notice.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- But we all knew that - at one point, we'd go there.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- It wasn't a shock - to the system, really.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- We were in Andersonstown, Belfast.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- We all went to get - a flak jacket, rifle and ammunition.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- When I heard we were going there, - I was quite excited.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00- I looked forward.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06- The first time I went out, I was - happy to go somewhere different...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- ..and do what I joined up to do.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- I was happy, - after training for so long...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- ..to actually get to do it.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- We were a Mobile Observation Group.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- We had three artillery guns - and eight or nine other vehicles.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- Our work was to travel round - Afghanistan in Helmand Province.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34- To stabilize the area and try to - make it better for the local people.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37- We did small things...
0:11:37 > 0:11:42- ..like speaking to the village elder - when we arrived in a new area.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48- Simple things, like handing out - paracetamols and bandages...
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- ..and chocolate to children.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- You hoped it would be over - by the time you arrived.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- But another part of you - wanted to fight.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02- There was excitement - and anxiousness, in a way.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- A small part said, - "I hope it'll be over."
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- But no, I was glad it wasn't.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- I didn't believe...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- ..that the people could...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- ..have so much hate.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- When you arrived there...
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- ..you were ready to go.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- I wasn't sure what to expect, - to be honest.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- I just thought, go with the flow.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44- EXPLOSION
0:12:46 > 0:12:52- The first time it all kicked off, I - was ready for what they tried to do.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56- We had trained so much and so hard, - we didn't have to think.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- GUNFIRE
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- The last thing you think of - is what's happening.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- You don't think until later.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14- After a week or two, - I knew we were in a war.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- When we went out, there were riots.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23- People threw petrol bombs, - bricks and paint.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- There are criteria - for giving a PTSD diagnosis.
0:13:28 > 0:13:34- They help to recognize - the symptoms associated with PTSD.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- There must be - a life-threatening event...
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- ..or a perception - of a life-threatening event.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- We came off the QE2 - on landing crafts...
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- ..in San Carlos.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12- We formed up and we had to march - on foot for eight miles.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- You just put your head down - and carried on.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- Rain was pissing down.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- It was cold.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- I'd never felt cold - like that before.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- We reached where we were - supposed to go and we holed in.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- It was an exposed spot.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38- Then we got orders to move on, - to Goose Green I think...
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- ..to fight with - the Paras in Goose Green.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- We marched overnight.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53- We didn't carry everything, - just what we needed, battle order.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55- We went a mile or two.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00- The officers decided - it was too hard going.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- So we turned and went back - to our former position.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- I was very disappointed.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- We'd psyched ourselves up.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- We knew we were moving overnight...
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- ..and going to fight - in a real war the next day.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- It didn't happen. The Paras - had to carry on without us.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- We ended up being moved around, - to the ships.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- That's how we ended up - on the Galahad.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- We went to Andersonstown - and Glassmullen.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- We all tried to be brave.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- But inside, my stomach was turning.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- You're out on the street...
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- ..walking, with no armoured car.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- It's an empty world.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- You try to be organized.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- But it happens suddenly.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- You hear gunshots.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21- You turn back and - one of the lads is on the ground.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24- It's...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- ..it's tough to see.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- You're three weeks in...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- ..and one of them...
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- ..has fallen.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- You can't go to help.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58- It's...
0:17:05 > 0:17:06- GUNFIRE
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- EXPLOSION
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- From point of contact to point - of surgery in Camp Bastion...
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- ..we must get them in an hour.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- We must, or the chances - of survival go down very rapidly.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27- GUNFIRE
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- After the lads left - in the helicopter...
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- ..I'd ask myself, "Did I do enough?"
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- I'd open a Medpac - to replenish things...
0:17:38 > 0:17:43- ..and I'd find something and think, - "I should have done that!"
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- I was the only medic, so it was down - to me to do something about it.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- I felt a lot of pressure.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- We went back and forth - between ships.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- We ended up on the Galahad.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- They moved us overnight...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- ..to Fitzroy in Port Pleasant.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10- We landed at about - 3.00am and sat there.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- The idea was that - we'd leave the ship in the dark...
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- ..then the ship would go - before sunrise.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- But we sat there all day.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33- I remember sitting on the Galahad - watching a bloke on a crane.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- I saw shock and fear on his face.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- He leapt out of the crane.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- He just jumped out.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Everything seemed to be - in slow motion.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- EXPLOSION
0:19:00 > 0:19:05- Next, we felt a wave of heat - passing over our heads.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- We heard the lads dying.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Those who were alive - screamed in pain.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- I think those who died, thank God, - died quite quickly.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26- There was a smell in the air, - of skin burning.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- It's a smell you never forget.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- You don't want to smell it again.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- It was dark on the ship, - filling with smoke.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- Bullets and bombs - went off everywhere.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- The only thing we could do - was get the lads off.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48- Four or five of us - sorted things out.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53- We got everyone from the front - of the ship to the back.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- No-one knew where to go.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- I saw death ten feet away from me.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Lads that close to me were dying.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- I knew that nothing - could be done for them.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- But...
0:20:13 > 0:20:18- ..I'm not selfish, but you have - to look after the living first.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- But we got more lads down the ship.
0:20:22 > 0:20:28- We couldn't get to the lads who - were burnt, the ones who had died.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31- Off we went.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33- You were...
0:20:36 > 0:20:37- ..mm.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- We got to land - on the lifeboats, in Fitzroy.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- Typical Welsh Guards, form up - in three ranks, call the roll.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- We stood there, then another - jet came at us from nowhere.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10- Everyone who had guns - fired at the plane.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15- So I did shoot in anger, - as they say.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- That took some - of the frustration away.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- The jet did crash. - I don't know if the pilot survived.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23- That was quite...
0:21:23 > 0:21:24- ..alright.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26- Spot on.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37- He was doing his work. He was there - to kill us, and us to kill him.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- A job's a job.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- The hardest part - was the children, really.
0:21:57 > 0:22:03- We had one incident - when a boy found a rocket.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- He was about five years old - and didn't know what he was doing.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12- It exploded, - taking off the top of his head.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- But he was outside the camp wall.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- I jumped in a Land Rover - with two lads from the Artillery.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- We went out to treat him. - But we had to treat him out there.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31- The ICOM chatter radio could pick - up what the Taliban were saying.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- The Taliban were nearby.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- They saw what happened.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41- They were rallying each other - to attack us.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- That made me angry, - more than anything.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- We tried to help - the young Afghan boy.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- The Taliban took it - as an opportunity to attack us.
0:22:52 > 0:22:58- They couldn't see that - the Infidel were trying to help.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- They wanted to get us.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12- The boy was alive - when we got him on the helicopter.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- He died in Camp Bastion. - That upset me.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- My child was the same age, - so it was very upsetting.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- I remember being moved - to the Sir Tristram.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47- Galahad's sister ship - was exactly the same ship.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- The battalion got on it.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55- That's the first time - we held a memorial service.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- That's the day we found out - who had been killed.
0:24:02 > 0:24:07- The Regiment Sergeant Major - Tony Davies read out the names.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- That was hard.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- We fought back the tears.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- We sang a couple of hymns.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- The Last Post - was played on the bugle.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- When the Last Post played...
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- ..many of us big, hard men...
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- ..had tears in our eyes.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43- Yes...
0:24:43 > 0:24:44- .
0:24:47 > 0:24:47- Subtitles
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- We came home from - the Falklands to be told...
0:25:00 > 0:25:05- .."You're back now. The war is over. - You're back to real soldiering."
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- By this, he meant public duties, - guarding Buckingham Palace.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- It doesn't happen like that.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- We came home and went out own way. - I was home for six weeks.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- Too much time.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27- There were parties everywhere. - I didn't want a fuss.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32- I just left. I didn't want to - be with my family or in the party.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- I wanted to be with the boys.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- I wasn't enjoying it any more.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- I'd thought of leaving - for two years, but I couldn't.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- I didn't know what to do.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- I just decided to leave - and see how it goes. I had to go.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- I left in the eighties.
0:25:59 > 0:26:05- It was hard to come back - to civilian life.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- I went out one day in Bangor.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15- I drank 32 pints and half a bottle - of Bacardi and I was still sober.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21- There were a lot of Bangor lads - on the Galahad.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- We were still together.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- We weren't talking about it.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30- We held it back.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- When faced with - a life-threatening situation...
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- ..a symptom of PTSD - is hyper-vigilance.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- The sufferer experiences - regular episodes...
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- ..of a flight-or-fright reaction.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- I think it was New Year's Eve...
0:26:55 > 0:27:00- ..when it became most noticeable.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- The Sergeant Major - came to me in Afghanistan.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09- He said, "You've been chosen to go - home on Rest And Recuperation."
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- I went from - the Afghanistan frontline...
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- ..to my front room in Bethesda - having a brew...
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- ..in less than 48 hours.
0:27:25 > 0:27:31- We didn't imagine - it would have such an affect.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37- We had very little warning - of his homecoming.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43- We thought everything - would go back to normal.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50- We had a party on New Year's Eve - for family and friends.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54- The fireworks went off at midnight.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- I couldn't handle the noise.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- I had been with the Artillery - at the time.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08- GUNFIRE
0:28:16 > 0:28:19- Before the end of the night - I was under the table...
0:28:19 > 0:28:24- ..wearing a helmet and - body armour, struggling to cope.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- We didn't want - to make a big deal of it.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- We didn't want him to feel bad...
0:28:33 > 0:28:39- ..or for the children - to think something was wrong...
0:28:39 > 0:28:43- ..or to scare them.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- We carried on.
0:28:47 > 0:28:52- I don't view it as something - I've been through on my own.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56- We've gone through it as a family.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- We've gone through it as a family.- - I don't like the word "suffer".
0:28:59 > 0:29:02- I don't think I'm suffering now.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- I hadn't realized - that I might have PTSD.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- I have no military experience.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20- There's a historical culture - within the army...
0:29:20 > 0:29:25- ..where it's not the norm - to talk about feelings.
0:29:25 > 0:29:31- Perhaps it's not easy for people - talk about their feelings...
0:29:32 > 0:29:37- ..and how they deal - with their problems and experiences.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41- It's easier to forget...
0:29:41 > 0:29:43- ..or try to forget the experiences.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49- As a soldier, - you know you're someone.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51- I didn't feel I was a person.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58- The human body - is like a complex factory.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02- Many processes - take place to support life.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05- If something - goes wrong physically...
0:30:06 > 0:30:09- ..problems develop - which can be bad for the body.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13- If you ignore - that something is wrong...
0:30:14 > 0:30:17- ..or that there are problems...
0:30:17 > 0:30:22- ..physically, - emotionally or psychologically...
0:30:22 > 0:30:26- ..gradually the problems worsen...
0:30:27 > 0:30:28- ..without treatment.
0:30:31 > 0:30:36- At around 4.30am, I remember - sitting on Beach Road in Bangor.
0:30:37 > 0:30:42- I was there at 4.30am every morning. - I couldn't sleep.
0:30:42 > 0:30:46- With each day that passed, - I was drinking more...
0:30:46 > 0:30:48- ..and getting into trouble.
0:30:49 > 0:30:54- That was the first time - I felt it had affected me.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59- I ignored it and carried on.
0:30:59 > 0:31:04- There were times when I wanted - to talk about what had happened.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09- But no-one understood.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16- I left the army in 1993.
0:31:17 > 0:31:22- I wanted to join the police force. - I was accepted within five weeks.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24- I've been lucky.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27- I haven't been out of work.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31- I was happy to be back in uniform...
0:31:31 > 0:31:36- ..working as part of a team.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39- I've worked hard.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43- I've put in 100% every day...
0:31:44 > 0:31:46- ..all my life.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54- I had a bad flashback a while ago.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57- I went on a police course.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01- It was a Colleague Support Course.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05- I'd put forward my name - to go and help my friends.
0:32:06 > 0:32:10- I could see how stressful - it was to be a policeman.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12- There are many fatalities.
0:32:14 > 0:32:18- Physical work - puts pressure on the body.
0:32:20 > 0:32:25- In the same way, if someone - is in a stressful situation...
0:32:25 > 0:32:28- ..there is emotional pressure, too.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31- If this happens - over a long period of time...
0:32:31 > 0:32:36- ..with no time to reflect or discuss - what's happening to them...
0:32:36 > 0:32:39- ..that pressure increases.
0:32:40 > 0:32:46- Problems arise as a result - of being under pressure.
0:32:47 > 0:32:52- It was a Thursday. The course - started on Monday, and it was great.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54- We did a day of PTSD.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57- There was a policeman - on the course...
0:32:57 > 0:33:01- ..who had been shot - in Colwyn Bay in the seventies.
0:33:02 > 0:33:07- He described what happened, - coming face to face with a shotgun.
0:33:07 > 0:33:11- The bullet came towards him in - slow motion. That made me think.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18- On the Galahad, - things happened in slow motion.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21- My mind was switched on.
0:33:23 > 0:33:27- I was sweating, then I felt cold. - We broke for lunch.
0:33:27 > 0:33:32- We returned in the afternoon - and carried on with the training.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36- They began to discuss PTSD.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40- They showed police footage - of the Bradford fire.
0:33:43 > 0:33:48- I watched it and had a flashback. - I was back on the ship.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56- But this time...
0:33:57 > 0:34:00- ..I was shouting and - telling people what to do...
0:34:01 > 0:34:03- ..even though I knew where I was.
0:34:05 > 0:34:10- I sorted myself out, got up - and walked out of the room.
0:34:11 > 0:34:16- The force counsellor came out - and I told him what happened.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20- That was the first time for me...
0:34:20 > 0:34:23- ..to share my feelings.
0:34:26 > 0:34:31- Then I had help. - I had counselling sessions.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37- I took an overdose of tablets.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43- It finished my marriage.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48- I was going off the rails.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53- That was a cry for help.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57- It started with a small trigger.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00- And then there was Iraq.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04- But Afghanistan - was the major trigger...
0:35:04 > 0:35:09- ..seeing the boys coming home, - their coffins draped in a flag.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16- It took me back to Ireland.
0:35:20 > 0:35:24- I wanted to be in that box.
0:35:35 > 0:35:35- .
0:35:39 > 0:35:39- Subtitles
0:35:39 > 0:35:41- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:35:46 > 0:35:49- INAUDIBLE WHISPERS
0:35:59 > 0:36:05- Unless people suffering from PTSD - or depression get treatment...
0:36:05 > 0:36:09- ..the problems can get worse...
0:36:09 > 0:36:13- ..to the point of suicide.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18- I know people - who have taken their own lives.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21- Two or three from my regiment did.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26- I've been away, I've seen things.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30- But I have friends - who have seen far worse than me.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34- They're not here today - to talk about it.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39- I remember watching a TV programme.
0:36:40 > 0:36:44- I'd heard about Dan Collins, - Lance Sergeant Welsh Guards.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46- I was a Welsh Guards Lance Sergeant.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51- Even though he joined after me, - we still belong to the same family.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54- I've been out 20 years.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58- The Welsh Guards - are a big part of my life.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01- I watched a programme...
0:37:02 > 0:37:07- ..and saw Dan talking openly - on his mobile phone.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11- It was a cry for help.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18- He talked openly - for the world to see...
0:37:19 > 0:37:22- ..before taking his own life.
0:37:23 > 0:37:28- THIS IS DAN COLLINS'S - LAST MESSAGE TO HIS MOTHER
0:37:33 > 0:37:35- Hiya, Mum.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38- Just a video to say I'm sorry.
0:37:38 > 0:37:43- Ever since I've come back from there - I've turned into a horrible person.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45- I don't like who I am any more.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49- This is why I'm doing - what I'm doing, OK?
0:37:50 > 0:37:55- I know it's selfish but - it's what I want and what I need.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58- I can't live like this any more.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02- Um... one thing I'd like to ask...
0:38:04 > 0:38:08- ..could I have a full military - funeral if that's possible.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10- That's how I'd like to go.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13- Mum, please don't get too upset.
0:38:13 > 0:38:17- You've got to understand - this is what I want.
0:38:17 > 0:38:21- I've tried all the help. - Nothing seems to be working, OK?
0:38:21 > 0:38:23- I love you, OK?
0:38:23 > 0:38:26- I'll see you - up there in a few years...
0:38:26 > 0:38:30- ..hopefully not in a few years, - but you know what I mean.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33- I love you. Bye.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49- It broke my heart, - feeling for him and his family.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53- He didn't get the help - he cried out for.
0:38:53 > 0:38:58- His mother talked so bravely - and openly, fair play to her.
0:38:58 > 0:39:04- These lads are so young, - with their lives in front of them.
0:39:05 > 0:39:10- They feel on their own, - and they can't help themselves.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14- That still hurts me.
0:39:26 > 0:39:30- Dan Collins was 29 years old.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34- I married a nurse.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38- She didn't know.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41- I couldn't talk to her.
0:39:42 > 0:39:46- I thought Lydia was being nosey.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53- I didn't believe - she was trying to help me.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56- She asked me...
0:39:56 > 0:40:00- ..to go and see the Charity.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03- I went on a Monday.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06- From the outset...
0:40:08 > 0:40:13- ..I knew they wanted to help.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15- They had heart.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17- I'd gone through life...
0:40:18 > 0:40:22- ..believing no-one understood.
0:40:23 > 0:40:27- People ask, "What's right for you?"
0:40:28 > 0:40:31- They ask how I feel...
0:40:32 > 0:40:38- ..and they try to get therapy - to help you.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43- At the end...
0:40:46 > 0:40:50- ..I came out of the office - and spoke to Lydia.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55- I realized...
0:40:57 > 0:41:00- ..I could smell better, - hear better...
0:41:04 > 0:41:06- ..I could see colours, everything.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10- I didn't know - what sound the rain made.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13- It's always been there.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16- It's clearer now.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23- I'm alive now.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48- My heart goes out to them.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52- I know what the darkness looks like.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08- SOUND OF WAVES
0:42:18 > 0:42:21- It'll be 32 years this year.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25- I didn't think - that it had affected me.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28- But looking back, it did affect me.
0:42:28 > 0:42:32- As I said, I didn't want - to be in the house or in bed.
0:42:32 > 0:42:36- I wanted to be where I felt - most comfortable, on Beach Road...
0:42:37 > 0:42:39- ..sitting there on my own.
0:42:40 > 0:42:44- It's odd, - but I loved the smell of the sea.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47- I'd never thought about it before.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51- I like being by the sea now...
0:42:52 > 0:42:57- ..although it reminds me - of what happened that day.
0:42:57 > 0:43:01- I'm lucky to be alive. - I can smell it, my friends can't.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04- I still feel guilty that I'm here.
0:43:10 > 0:43:15- The best way I deal - with things is to work.
0:43:16 > 0:43:17- I'm a pub landlord now.
0:43:17 > 0:43:19- I'm a pub landlord now.- - Once I left the army...
0:43:20 > 0:43:24- ..I had a job with - the Military College in Bangor.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26- I'm happier out of the army.
0:43:27 > 0:43:30- I'm home all the time, - I see more of my friends.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33- I can plan anything I want.
0:43:33 > 0:43:39- I have to prepare lessons, - mark work. That keeps me busy.
0:43:39 > 0:43:43- Work stops me from dwelling...
0:43:44 > 0:43:47- ..on the things I've done.
0:43:47 > 0:43:51- I hope to get a good job. - I have a good job now.
0:43:51 > 0:43:56- I hope to get a promotion - and take it from there.
0:43:57 > 0:44:02- I wouldn't tell anyone not to do it, - but to be realistic.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04- It's a hard life.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06- It's a dangerous life.
0:44:06 > 0:44:11- Go in with eyes wide open - and not rose-tinted glasses.
0:44:16 > 0:44:19- We have a better understanding...
0:44:19 > 0:44:24- ..of psychological problems - that arise as a result of war.
0:44:24 > 0:44:26- The treatment is better.
0:44:26 > 0:44:31- After the recent fighting - in Afghanistan and Iraq...
0:44:31 > 0:44:35- ..there's a chance - that more people...
0:44:35 > 0:44:40- ..can find help earlier than before.
0:44:43 > 0:44:47- PTSD is unpredictable - and personal to the individual.
0:44:47 > 0:44:50- They deal with it in their own way.
0:44:50 > 0:44:54- It's not an illness - that's easily diagnosed.
0:44:56 > 0:44:58- I'm OK.
0:44:59 > 0:45:03- I've found a way to deal - with it without support.
0:45:04 > 0:45:08- That's just luck, - not something I'd planned.
0:45:08 > 0:45:11- I didn't leave - the army with a game plan.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15- Touch wood, - everything fell into place.
0:45:15 > 0:45:20- The boys come back on leave from - Afghanistan and I chat with them.
0:45:21 > 0:45:26- I tell them they've been through - a lot and seen terrible things...
0:45:26 > 0:45:29- ..and I'm there - if they need to talk.
0:45:29 > 0:45:34- I don't think it's affected me yet. - I might have it. I don't know.
0:45:34 > 0:45:36- I've just left the army. I'm fresh.
0:45:37 > 0:45:41- I'm still in the honeymoon period.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47- I feel that I can function now.
0:45:48 > 0:45:50- I know what I'm doing.
0:45:50 > 0:45:54- There will always - be a shadow over my life.
0:45:54 > 0:46:00- But I won't let - the dark shadow affect me.
0:46:00 > 0:46:04- For everything bad I remember, - I try to remember something good.
0:46:06 > 0:46:09- That makes me feel better...
0:46:10 > 0:46:13- ..when I think - 'Why me? Why am I still alive?'
0:46:13 > 0:46:18- When I'm helping other people, - the young lads back on leave...
0:46:19 > 0:46:22- ..that's the reason - why I'm still here.
0:46:22 > 0:46:26- I know everyone has ups and downs.
0:46:28 > 0:46:31- I don't want to go back.
0:46:33 > 0:46:36- There's plenty of help out there.
0:46:36 > 0:46:39- You've got to talk to someone.
0:46:44 > 0:46:48- # Miserere mei, Deus #
0:46:49 > 0:46:53- In memory of those - we'll always remember.
0:46:54 > 0:46:58- And the ones who can't ever forget.
0:47:00 > 0:47:05- # Secundum magnam
0:47:07 > 0:47:10- # Misericordiam tuam
0:47:11 > 0:47:17- # Misericordiam
0:47:20 > 0:47:28- # Tuam
0:47:32 > 0:47:37- # Secundum magnam
0:47:37 > 0:47:40- # Misericordiam tuam #
0:47:41 > 0:47:43- S4C Subtitles by Gwead
0:47:43 > 0:47:43- .