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0:00:23 > 0:00:26- Day after day, hour after hour...
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- ..women are hurting men - and causing them pain.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37- She ran in and said, "If you don't - leave, I'm going to kill you."
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- I had come to the point...
0:00:40 > 0:00:46- ..where I put a rope around my neck - and I was ready to end it all.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55- If any behaviour - makes you feel uneasy...
0:00:55 > 0:00:59- ..then it's abuse, - as far as I'm concerned.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- I'm hiding my face - because of the implications...
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- ..of what might happen - about seeing the children.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- I don't want them - to have any sort of comeback...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- ..because their father...
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- ..has been in an abusive - relationship and been beaten.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- I've been to court...
0:01:25 > 0:01:30- ..and if I'm recognized - making certain comments...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- ..I'll be held in contempt of court.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39- Professional actors have been used - to re-enact incidents...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- ..in these men's lives.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- The face of this support worker - has also been obscured...
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- ..in order to protect her identity.
0:01:55 > 0:02:00- Traditionally, one tends to think - of women as the victims of abuse...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- ..not men.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07- Current figures show that 30% - of women suffer from such abuse...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- ..and 17% of men.
0:02:09 > 0:02:14- But that number has increased - substantially over recent years.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Many more cases are emerging - every month and every year.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- We know there is - significant under-reporting...
0:02:21 > 0:02:26- ..and about 20% of all incidents - that come to our attention...
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- ..are those of male victims.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- Every 17 days, a man is murdered - in a violent encounter at home.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- We've seen the number - of women perpetrators increase...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- ..from 800 in 2004-2005...
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- ..to nearly over 4,000 in 2010-2011.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55- We know the police service, working - together with other agencies...
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- ..is dealing with these issues, - but there is more to do.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03- Many men don't come forward - and ask for support.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- That is often the case.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- They should get rid of the stigma...
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- ..so that other men - can come forward...
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- ..and be taken seriously - and be protected.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- She worked in a nursing home...
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- ..looking after my father.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- She was a nice person, - sweet and very friendly...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- ..and she was - very good with my father.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- That was one of things - that attracted me to her.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- I had a child - from a previous relationship.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49- The day we married, - she warned me to make sure...
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- ..that the child wasn't to steal - the limelight - it was her big day.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- "Hold on, it's not right," - I thought.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- Then I thought, - "it is her day after all."
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- So I didn't take much notice of it.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- I was working full time at first...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- ..but after three years - I went part time.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- I did all the housework because some - days she wouldn't get out of bed.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24- When I got home, - the children wouldn't have been fed.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- I'd have to make sure - the children were cared for.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- But I also had to earn a living.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- It was difficult doing both.
0:04:38 > 0:04:44- The best way I can describe the wife - is like a wolf in sheep's clothing.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- She was a totally different person - at home.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- She'd pick on me for minor faults.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Perhaps I'd gone shopping - to pick up a few items.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Everything I'd bring home was wrong.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- The words she used varied from...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- .."You're useless, you're ugly...
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- "..you're lucky to have me - because nobody else would want you."
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- Constant put-downs until in the end - you start believing it.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Much more goes on - beneath the surface.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38- Many men put up with - public criticism from their wives.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- Their wives humiliate them...
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- ..and make them feel - emotionally unstable.
0:05:43 > 0:05:49- As someone who used to deal with - Family Law, I know it is widespread.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Abuse manifests itself - in different ways...
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- ..and its affect on people's lives - differs greatly.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- It can be emotional, - psychological...
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- ..physical, financial...
0:06:01 > 0:06:02- ..sexual.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- Rarely is it - only one of those factors.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- It is a combination of them all - in different ways.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- Emotional and psychological pain...
0:06:13 > 0:06:18- ..is usually - inflicted on men by women.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Of course, - there are no visible scars.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- We slowly drifted apart.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- You're not aware of it. - We used to go out a lot at first.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- We'd visit friends, go to barbecues.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- But as friends - started having children...
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- ..she'd make excuses, saying - she didn't like screaming children.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- It was - another excuse for her to kick off.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- You come to expect - the kicking off all the time.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- If I spoke to the woman next door...
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- ..I was trying to sleep with her.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- If I spent too much time anywhere - doing anything...
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- ..too much time, as in - taking longer than five minutes...
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- ..to go to the shop.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17- If I took longer, I'd been doing - something I wasn't supposed to.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- It was ridiculous.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- Her jealousy was like a poison.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- For the majority, it's something - that happens over a period of time.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- What it comes down to...
0:07:38 > 0:07:42- ..is one person - overpowering the other.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- The person who's doing it - chooses to do it...
0:07:46 > 0:07:51- ..but the person on the receiving - end never chooses to be a victim.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- The relationship was a lot of fun - at the start. I met her at a party.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- I'd say it was love at first sight.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- She was a very affectionate person.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Soon after we got married - I knew there was a problem...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- ..but I didn't know - how to deal with it.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- She used to throw things - all the time.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Once, my two sons - were holding my hands...
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- ..and she was - throwing things at us.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36- This was the person with whom - I thought I wanted to spend my life.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- She started beating me.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46- I could hold her down - I'd been - trained in self-defence. I was fine.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- Then she started getting jealous.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- She had - another go at me in the kitchen...
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- ..accusing me - of chasing after another woman.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- She grabbed a knife.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17- She came at me with a knife - and I disarmed her.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22- I cut my hand as a result.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- I had to go to hospital - but I made up an excuse.
0:09:27 > 0:09:35- I said I'd been carving the roast - for Sunday lunch and cut myself.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- I can think of four cases...
0:09:45 > 0:09:50- ..where the woman - has stabbed her husband...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- ..with a knife.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- There weren't - any serious injuries...
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- ..but there were - cuts to hands, necks...
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- ..and arms.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07- I'm starting to see more and more - cases of weapons being used...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- ..in domestic attacks.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- There were four times - when I found her...
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- ..comatose on the floor - and was about to phone the hospital.
0:10:19 > 0:10:25- She pleaded with me not to phone, - saying it was just food poisoning.
0:10:27 > 0:10:32- I was worried how the children would - cope if they found her passed out.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- I said, "We need to - talk to a doctor about this."
0:10:38 > 0:10:45- She said to me, "If you - tell a doctor or anyone else...
0:10:46 > 0:10:51- "..I'll say you've been abusing the - boys, that you're a kiddy fiddler."
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- Afterwards I went to the GP...
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- ..and said, - "This is what's going on."
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- But they didn't believe me.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- For the people who are suffering...
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- ..it's sad that they don't have - the information or the confidence...
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- ..to allow themselves - to confess openly to others.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- That's why it's important - to work alongside GPs.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- Often it's the first - point of contact.
0:11:22 > 0:11:27- But if the GP doesn't know where to - send a person, then it's hopeless.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29- .
0:11:32 > 0:11:32- Subtitles
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0:11:37 > 0:11:41- The Dyn Project is a charity - funded by the Welsh Government...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- ..which operates - on a part-time basis.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- However, it is a charity - offering support...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- ..to men who are victims - of domestic abuse.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- We're working closely with - the Cardiff-based Dyn Project.
0:11:55 > 0:12:01- If anyone wanted to speak to a male, - we'd redirect the call to them.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- If anyone came to De Gwynedd - Domestic Abuse Services...
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- ..looking for support, - whether they are male or female...
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- ..they would both - be treated the same.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- At 2.00am, - I was sleeping in the kids' bedroom.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- The door burst open.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- She just ran in and said...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- .."If you don't leave, - I'm going to kill you."
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- "I'll stab you while you're asleep."
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- I was in shock because I knew - she meant what she said.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46- On my way home from working overtime - late one night...
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- ..I noticed there was a light on - in the Samaritans' office.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56- They were the ones who told me - about places where I could get help.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- So I went to a police station.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- I went at night - so I wouldn't be spotted.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- I waited ages for someone to come.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- In the end a female copper came.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- She asked me what had happened - and I told her about the attacks.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- First she told me to tell her - off the record.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- I thought it was strange, - but that's what I did.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29- She said, "If an official report - is filed, we must arrest your wife.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- "Do you really want that to happen?"
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- It made me feel - that I shouldn't be doing it.
0:13:37 > 0:13:43- So she basically convinced me - not to press charges.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- She didn't record any details, - not even my name.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- I know there's no record - of me reporting it.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57- From that, I learnt that the system - was definitely against men.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59- It ended up in court.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- She made an accusation against me.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- I can't say what it was - or I'll be in contempt of court.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- Due to the way - the justice system works...
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- ..once an accusation - has been made...
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- ..the onus is on the individual - to prove it's untrue.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- The police said, "You can't go - within two miles of your kids."
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- My stomach was churning.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- I couldn't understand - why the state...
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- ..could stop me seeing my children - on a false accusation.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- I didn't see them after that - for almost three months...
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- ..while I was going through - all the legal procedures.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- I had to wait for a court official - to say when I could see my children.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- The court has a queuing system.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- So you're in a queue, - waiting for the chance...
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- ..to prove you're not a criminal.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- I'd do anything to avoid - going through the court system.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Once you're there, - you're in a queue.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09- Usually, the first concern for - anyone coming through our doors...
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- ..is the children, not themselves.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- They don't demand to see - the children for their own sake.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- They hear their children asking...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- .."Why can't I see Dad?"
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- In an ideal world...
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- ..there would be - no distinction made...
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- ..between an abusive woman - and an abusive man.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36- The system - is meant to protect everyone.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Looking back, - I stayed four years too long.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- The day I left the house...
0:15:48 > 0:15:53- ..before I left, - I made sure that her mother arrived.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58- I said, "If you can stay - in this house, I'll leave.
0:15:59 > 0:16:05- "But no way am I going until there's - an adult in the house with the kids.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- "I don't know - what she'll do to them."
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- She agreed to stay there...
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- ..and I told her - I'd try to sort something out.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- I stayed for the children.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32- A woman can use the children - against the man in so many ways.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- "If you leave, - you won't see the children.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- "I'll say - that you harm the children."
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- The courts - tend to view the situation...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- ..from the women's standpoint...
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- ..since they are the ones - who usually look after the children.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- It's difficult for men - to be granted full custody.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- Children are affected - because they hear what's going on.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- If they see their parents...
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- ..in an abusive relationship...
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- ..it can have - a lasting effect on them.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- I was playing - hide-and-seek with the children.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- She tripped over something - on her way into the house.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- That was enough to set her off.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- I sent the kids upstairs to play - while I tried to calm her down.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- She just lost the plot.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39- She flew across the room, - grabbing a biro on the way...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- ..and stabbed me in the chest.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51- That's when I thought, - "Wow, there's no love left."
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- There's help out there - for women.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- But for men, - for about a year and a half...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- ..my best friend was the Samaritans.
0:18:06 > 0:18:12- I phoned lots of places and searched - online while she was asleep...
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- ..to see what I could do - to change the situation.
0:18:16 > 0:18:23- In the end, the Domestic Abuse - Service came to my aid.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- The support workers were all female.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- So, for me to meet a woman...
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- ..in a cafe or wherever, - was a big deal for me...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- ..because of the jealousy.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- In the end, I had to travel - about 20 miles from home...
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- ..and pretend I was working...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- ..just to meet this woman.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Something really simple happened.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- She got up to fetch me - a second cup of coffee...
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- ..and the fact she gave me a cuppa - without asking if I wanted one...
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- ..made me realize how long it had - been since anyone was nice to me.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- That was a big wake-up call for me.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- The penny finally drops - and they think...
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- .."I've been - living like this for years...
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- "..without realizing - what was happening to me."
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- She fell pregnant again.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- When she told me that I might not - be the father, I packed my bags.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- I just said, "I've had enough."
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- I couldn't kick her out - because she was pregnant.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- The law is on her side as a woman.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- I took my name off the house...
0:19:36 > 0:19:41- ..otherwise it would have meant - I held a tenancy already...
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- ..and wouldn't be eligible - for social housing.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- But by doing that, I had - deliberately made myself homeless.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- That counted against me too.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- I went from being a father - and a husband...
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- ..in a comfortable home...
0:20:01 > 0:20:06- ..to a tramp - sleeping rough on the street.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- It's grim. - No-one can sink any lower than that.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- You get to the stage where you - think, "Wow, this is ridiculous."
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- The whole system is against you.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- I'd hit rock bottom.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- When you're that low - and you're lonely...
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- ..you're in a very dark place.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- I had come to the point - where I put a rope around my neck...
0:20:32 > 0:20:37- ..and I was ready to end it all.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- But at that moment, my phone rang. - It was my sister worried about me.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49- She came to fetch me and I - was helped by my doctor with stuff.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- But the entire system is buggered.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- When we hear - that the suicide rate in Wales...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- ..is higher - than the national average...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- ..it becomes a grave concern.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- These men who are suffering - and at risk...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- ..day in, day out, - week in, week out...
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- ..many of them - are going to self-harm...
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- ..or worse, commit suicide.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- It's imperative...
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- ..that no cutbacks are made - in this area...
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- ..despite the current recession.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- Where do I start?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- Everybody accepts - it happens to women...
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- ..but no one believes - that it happens to men.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- It's time for men to say, - "Enough is enough."
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- They shouldn't accept the situation.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48- Having said that, there's still - a huge mountain to climb.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54- Unfortunately, the percentage - of funding given to support men...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- ..is 10% less...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- ..than the funding given to women.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- There needs to be - more research and understanding...
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- ..around what are - the driving forces...
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- ..that see men experiencing - and reporting domestic abuse.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- It's unclear - what is going to happen...
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- ..but it may be the case - that services have to be cut.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Money is scarce...
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- ..and everybody - wants a piece of the pie.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- For anyone thinking - about commissioning services...
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- ..that are supposedly meeting - the needs of women and men...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- ..it's a bad idea.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- We need to examine and understand - their experiences...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- ..and shape those services.
0:22:40 > 0:22:45- It's not fair on a man - who's experiencing domestic abuse...
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- ..to be expected - to receive a service...
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- ..that's been tailored - to the needs of women over 30 years.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- De Gwynedd - Domestic Abuse Services...
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- ..took the step some years ago...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- ..to support men and women...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- ..and it's been a success.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- I don't feel there's a need - for separate services.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13- We also work closely - with other organizations.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17- The most important thing - I'd like to see happen...
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- ..is the creation - of a bilingual service...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- ..providing non-judgemental support.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- Once a person has taken the step...
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- ..to admit - that abusive behaviour exists...
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- ..they need to know that people - are listening to them...
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- ..and showing them - fairness and understanding.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- By doing that...
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- ..the statistics will add up...
0:23:46 > 0:23:51- ..and society will - have to acknowledge this taboo...
0:23:51 > 0:23:56- ..that has been kept hidden away - behind the closed doors of Wales.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19- .