0:00:04 > 0:00:07- You all right?- Yeah. - What you doing?
0:00:07 > 0:00:12- Just recording outside of your house.- Oh, right. OK. Exciting.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- Yeah.- How are you doing? Give me a hug.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18There's people up there going, "Who's that out there with a camera?"
0:00:18 > 0:00:22I said, "I don't know." And I looked and I said, "That's my boy."
0:00:22 > 0:00:24- Who was saying that? - The lady upstairs.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28I've got a couple of friends. We go to the NA meetings together.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31They live locally. They're all right.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34They're in the same boat as me, feel the same shit.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- Are they still up there now?- Yeah.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43I was... I was trying to tell them to go, but then...I thought,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45"Well, if Philip wants to see what it's like ..."
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Fucking this is it, Phil. This is it, son.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51This is my life.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- That's Jake, the guy who lives underneath me.- OK.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- Yeah, I think it is his music loud.- What are you doing?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- He's doing a doccy on me. - Oh, is it? Oh, OK.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07What's it like living with a raggy drug-addict dad?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09No, it's nothing like that.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Well, I'd be interested to see that documentary, yeah.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21My dad has been addicted to heroin for as long as I can remember.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I left home 15 years ago,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27because his life was chaos and I wanted no part of it.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29We had started to talk on the phone
0:01:29 > 0:01:32and he had promised that he was off the gear now and only drinking.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- OK. So, we ready?- Yeah.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41OK, so, why are you nervous?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Er, apprehensive. Let's not say nervous. Apprehensive.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Because I don't recall the last time we actually sat down
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- and had an in-depth conversation. - I don't think we ever have.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Well, there you are.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56That's the whole idea of doing this, is for me to understand
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- more about you, because I don't know who you are.- No.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00That's shameful, isn't it?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02We've never had this conversation before.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03No, no, we haven't.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18How I haven't caved in completely is an absolute amazement to me,
0:02:18 > 0:02:19it really is.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I mean, it's hard enough getting off the goddamn shit,
0:02:24 > 0:02:28but staying off it is quite another thing.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Quite another thing.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I wouldn't go so far as I'm dependent on drink.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I mean, I don't go out and do silly things if I haven't got it,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38but I notice it does make me feel ever so miserable
0:02:38 > 0:02:39if I haven't got it.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42But that's where the addiction starts.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Because then you become dependent on it.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45It's not good, Dad.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48It isn't good, son, I know it isn't good, but that's what I'm saying.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52It's always that I need some sort of chemical to keep my head in place.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- These are demons that you need to exorcise out.- Yeah.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Because it's only going to end one way.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Yeah. Six foot under.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Mm...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- Are you lonely, Dad?- Yeah.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Yeah, very. Hate being alone, Phil. Hate it.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27It's like now she's just sprung into my head and I'm thinking,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"Why isn't she coming round?"
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- Probably down to last night and I told her to fuck off.- Who's she?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Maria.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39My friends think I'm in love with her. But I'm not.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I know what love is, and it's not her.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I like her a lot, I do like her.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I'm not saying I don't.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Funny little fucker.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51There we go, yeah.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Sent from the hospital.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02He told me he didn't drink much, but his health was getting worse,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05and he had recently collapsed in Romford market.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I saw a hospital letter saying he had hepatitis C
0:04:08 > 0:04:10and cirrhosis of the liver,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13and they were insisting he should come in for a biopsy.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- 20th of April, at 10:15.- Yeah.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Do you want to get that free and come with me?- Yeah.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Book that day free.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- What are you doing?- Huh? - What are you doing?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- What do you mean? - Why are you cutting up that letter?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- I'm not cutting it up. - The envelope, sorry.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I'm tidying it up.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40The doctor is not going to be there until Tuesday.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- Might be open Saturday. - I don't believe it is.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- For a number of years.- No?
0:04:45 > 0:04:50No. Erm... Yeah, be Tuesday.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I mean, they're emergencies only.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Yeah, be Tuesday.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03And it's going to be absolutely packed on Tuesday.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21The, erm...
0:05:24 > 0:05:27..draw for the Champions League. You heard it?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- The draw for the Champions League? - Yeah. Semis.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- Dad, I've got to ask you a question. - Yeah, go on.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39You're not going to like me for it
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- and I don't really like asking it, either.- Yeah, go on.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- In the bedroom, there's some foil. - Yeah.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46- What is that?- Foil.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49It's not for what you're thinking, either.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I'll show you what it's for.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I needed it because see this wire in here?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- It's to wire the Sky up.- Yeah?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00To the box? Along here.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04I'm just going to try to foil them up.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Screw the foil under it and turn on and see
0:06:07 > 0:06:08if I can get it working in here.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Why wouldn't I like you asking that question?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Well, because there's foil under your bed.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15It looks suspicious, you know?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I just chucked it.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Waste not, don't worry about that...
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- You don't need to be angry with me. - I'm not angry with you!
0:06:28 > 0:06:29I'm not angry at all.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Ask away, babe, and I'll tell you. Erm...
0:06:32 > 0:06:36If I didn't ask you, it would have been eating me up all day.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38There you go. So it won't be eating you up now.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Well, hopefully it won't.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Hopefully it's answered your question.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Hello.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- Hello.- Hiya.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20That was a long five minutes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22No, I got talking to my aid worker.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29See, I was over at the pub. Then I ran in to the shop.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I heard, "Philip, Philip,"
0:07:31 > 0:07:34and I turned round and of course it's my aid sponsor.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35I thought, "Oh, no."
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Can see you've got a bottle.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- I know, I'm terrible, aren't I?- Let me see it.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43It's just dog shit, that stuff.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48What can you do with 1.50? This is more.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51You can't afford this lifestyle, Dad.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- You just ponced that money off me. - Yeah, to get fags.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- Are you going to be OK today?- Yeah, I'll be all right. Bit worried.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- About Maria?- Yeah.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Dad told me his girlfriend had just been in a fight.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12She was punched and kicked in the street and he went off to find her.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16MUSIC: Wolf Like Me by TV On The Radio
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I ignored his calls that week, but he kept phoning me.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23When I finally answered, he told me he was close to using heroin again,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25so I went back the next day.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34'The mobile you're calling isn't available at the moment.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35'Please try again later.'
0:08:35 > 0:08:37# Say, say my playmate
0:08:37 > 0:08:39# Won't you lay hands on me
0:08:39 > 0:08:42# Mirror my malady
0:08:42 > 0:08:45# Transfer my tragedy. #
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Take your time dying, don't you, you fuckers?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58You actually came all the way and you went without even...?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- Yeah, I couldn't. I couldn't get hold of you.- Oh, for fuck sake.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- Oh, Phil.- Where were you? I was round at Maria's.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09What's been going on with you, then, since I last saw you?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Er, since you last saw me.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- Well...- Because you had to go to the police station.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Yeah, I got ... I got charged for electricity theft.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26Yeah, it's just another fine I can ill do without. I had a good run.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27I had nine months at it.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Abstract - use without authority, electricity.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Dishonestly used without due authority
0:09:36 > 0:09:41a quantity of electricity to the value of £724.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- I get the sense that you enjoy it. - Enjoy it?
0:09:44 > 0:09:49- Enjoy making up your own rules. - Oh, of course I did.- You do, I mean.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- Yeah, I still do, yes. - I don't see you changing much.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- In respect of what? - You're still up to your old tricks.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59You're drinking bloody White Ace for a couple of quid a day.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Yeah.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I'm not so much up to my old tricks...
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I was here on a Monday morning at, like, 10 o'clock
0:10:05 > 0:10:10and you've got people coming out, obviously having lots to drink.
0:10:10 > 0:10:1210.00 on a Monday morning.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15That's cos it was an all-night thing, Philip.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18We'd had a drink. We played cards. We do all kinds of shit.
0:10:18 > 0:10:25- But it's like a...- And I come here last time, Dad. And I saw tinfoil.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28And I saw a pipe. It was yellow.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32It was a broken Bic pen which has yellowed
0:10:32 > 0:10:34since you'd obviously been using.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- No, that's not strictly true, Philip.- So whose was it, then?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40One of the people I was with.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43That's never been my game, smoking that.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46That's... Cocaine is not my game.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48You know, heroin was my trip.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52And I don't fucking use any more. Are you...?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54You're saying you found a bit of foil,
0:10:54 > 0:10:58but I can deal with people smoking. It doesn't fucking bother me.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02I'd love to be able to have this discussion with you and give you
0:11:02 > 0:11:07simple answers to your questions, but it's not that simple.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08It really isn't.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14You see it all?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Look.- That looks awful.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20It does, doesn't it? And swelling.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21That's on both feet, Philip.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27My whole life has been controlled by a chemical in one description
0:11:27 > 0:11:30or another. The only times I didn't use chemicals
0:11:30 > 0:11:34was the early years of my life. You know?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I started using, strangely enough, when you were born.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42That's how long I've been on it.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44You know?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47It's one thing that sticks in my head.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50And it was just literally, you'd been born an hour
0:11:50 > 0:11:53and your mum said to me, she said,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55"I've given you what you wanted - a son."
0:11:55 > 0:11:59She said, "Please give me what I want." And I said,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02knowing full well what the answer was going to be, and she said,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"Please, please stop."
0:12:04 > 0:12:06And of course the usual shit come out of my mouth.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10"Yeah, of course I will. Of course I will, babe. Of course I will."
0:12:10 > 0:12:15Here we are. 20, 30 years down the line. You're a grown man,
0:12:15 > 0:12:16and I'm still the fucking same.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19It's like I stagnated at that age.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24That's a fucking long time. A long, long time.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I guess I was attracted to your dad
0:12:36 > 0:12:40because he was different to anyone else I'd met.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Definitely not the boy next door that my mum or probably most mums
0:12:44 > 0:12:47would want for their daughter's first serious boyfriend.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52He was the first person ever to tell me I was beautiful,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54he wanted to be with me for ever,
0:12:54 > 0:12:59and most people said that we were way too young to be so serious.
0:13:00 > 0:13:05Erm... I was 17. It was quite exciting.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07We had our own place to live.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12We were the only people that we knew who actually lived away
0:13:12 > 0:13:18from our mums and dads and I suppose it was a bit like playing house.
0:13:30 > 0:13:36That's right, babe. That is what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Of course.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37That's what I'm thinking.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41This time, definitely. I keep saying it and it never happens.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Not win so much, but always come, like, second, third, fourth.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06When did you meet my dad, Maria?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09A little less than a year ago. Erm...
0:14:09 > 0:14:14In the sunny job centre. Erm... We got on quite well.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16We didn't really obviously know each other.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I don't normally socialise with a lot of people
0:14:19 > 0:14:22because of the things that go on in this area.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I try to keep myself to myself.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I'm quite a self-conscious, small-group sort of person,
0:14:29 > 0:14:34but we seem to click pretty well and it's been really good since then.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- It's good. It's not something I'm used to.- And what happened?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40What happened to your eye?
0:14:40 > 0:14:45Erm, You don't have to do a lot wrong to get yourself in trouble.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48People like to backstab and cause problems,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51especially where drugs or alcohol are involved.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I was blamed for something that I didn't do and they thought
0:14:54 > 0:14:59it was me that had given some sort of information up and I hadn't.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02And I was at the brunt of it, unfortunately.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05And why do you drink?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Boredom. Erm...
0:15:09 > 0:15:14It's a copout of an excuse, but boredom.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I mean, I feel that I'm more intelligent
0:15:16 > 0:15:18and I could do a lot more with myself, to be honest.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22It sounds a bit silly, me saying in front of you. But, erm...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I feel I could be doing a lot more with myself
0:15:24 > 0:15:28and I just don't know where to go to start doing that, to be honest.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I just seem that I've got a lot to fill up
0:15:30 > 0:15:33and nothing to fill it up with.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38She has a very, very dry sense of humour. I'll give you that.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40She makes me laugh. She's a good influence on me.
0:15:40 > 0:15:45That is ... That's not even in question. You're a great influence.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- You know I love you, really. - I know you do.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51And I love you, but you know that. Think the world of you.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54He was so keen to make a good impression,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57he tried to control everything I saw.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00He told his friends not to come over when I was there,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02but they turned up anyway.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06He kept insisting he was clean, but then I'd get disturbing
0:16:06 > 0:16:09phone calls from him at night when he was clearly out of it.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15MUSIC: My Sweet Prince by Placebo
0:16:42 > 0:16:46# I never thought you'd make me perspire... #
0:16:46 > 0:16:48OK, nurse. You're not going to like this.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50You're going to have trouble getting me.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- Is it?- Yeah.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58# Never thought I'd fill with desire... #
0:16:58 > 0:17:01That's my years of heroin abuse.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05# Never thought I'd feel so ashamed... #
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Can I try that one?- Yeah.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11# Me and the dragon
0:17:11 > 0:17:15# Can chase all the pain away
0:17:15 > 0:17:22# So before I end my days... #
0:17:22 > 0:17:24It's not giving me what I want.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27# Remember
0:17:31 > 0:17:34# My sweet prince
0:17:37 > 0:17:38# You are the one... #
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- It's not flowing out at all.- No?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Clotting, isn't it?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47# My sweet prince
0:17:49 > 0:17:52# You are the one
0:17:53 > 0:17:59# Never thought I'd have to retire
0:17:59 > 0:18:04# Never thought I'd have to abstain... #
0:18:04 > 0:18:09I don't remember from a young age picking up on anything.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14It weren't probably until a few years went on that I could pick up.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18It was more when Uncle John and Uncle Robin were round
0:18:18 > 0:18:20or Dad was going to be with them
0:18:20 > 0:18:23that I would pick up on the tension with Mum.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Dad was in and out of jobs, crashing his work van
0:18:27 > 0:18:31and then getting the sack. They'd come round to give him the sack.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36But there was always tension. I just grew up feeling unhappy.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I think because things got progressively worse with Dad
0:18:42 > 0:18:46and there was no support, there was nowhere to turn,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49there was nowhere to hide, we were in the throes of it.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53I had no-one to take us away from what was going on.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56We were going without things, we weren't going anywhere,
0:18:56 > 0:19:01we were left to it. I never knew what Dad was doing.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I knew... It wasn't until I got older and I understood what drugs
0:19:04 > 0:19:08he was taking, but as I was getting older,
0:19:08 > 0:19:12it was becoming more and more apparent as Dad was getting worse with his addiction.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14It was getting harder.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18There was no real instances that I could think of
0:19:18 > 0:19:22because there is so many. It was such a build-up of unhappiness.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Because Mum was unhappy, Dad was ill,
0:19:24 > 0:19:28there was no family support, there was no-one we could go to
0:19:28 > 0:19:32when things were getting bad. So you just stayed out all the time.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34When you come home, you could hear the arguing,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36you could hear the violence,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39you could see the random cars pulling outside,
0:19:39 > 0:19:43you could go home and smell the drugs when he wasn't injecting,
0:19:43 > 0:19:47or you'd get home and find the paraphernalia everywhere.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50You'd find your stuff stolen and sold.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54You'd come home and he'd either be running at 100mph cleaning,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57or the music blaring,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00or he'd be out of his face passed out in the living room.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03You never knew what you're coming home to.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Philip Wood?
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Yeah, that's me.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21What did the doctor say to you?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Oh, I mean, there's complete, utter worry now,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28because my liver is packing up.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- What did he say if you don't stop drinking?- I'll be dead.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I'll kill myself.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38And, you know, you could see the sincerity in his eyes.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40He wasn't messing about.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48On the way home from the hospital, he met a friend at a bus stop
0:20:48 > 0:20:50and Dad asked him for a drink.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I'd had enough and walked away.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06He kept calling and texting me, saying he was sorry.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I felt guilty that I'd given up on him
0:21:09 > 0:21:11and went back a couple of weeks later.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14He had missed a court summons for the electricity fare
0:21:14 > 0:21:17and two strangers had taken over his bedroom.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21You'll be all right, Phil. You're being a bit quiet.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- You all right?- Yeah. I'm all right.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30WHISPERING
0:21:30 > 0:21:34No, it's all right. He won't come in without telling.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Do you want that here?- Yeah, yeah.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46- What you doing?- I'm just... - Ah, fucking hell.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- What?- Who are they? What are they doing in there?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Well, cos they don't want to be in front with you.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58Because it's private. They're supposed to be going today.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00That's all. No drama.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03He's fucking about trying to get his phone working.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Why is it all secretive and hush-hush?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09It ain't all fucking hush-hush. You're imagining it to be.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- It's cos they want to leave us alone. As I do.- OK. All right.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17That's all. Don't make a drama out of things that aren't there, Philip.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20You know?
0:22:21 > 0:22:25I've been in a foul, foul mood for about three or four days.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29And I'm telling people whatever they want to hear.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I'm even telling people I'm fucking not even going into hospital.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34You know, asking me how the blood tests went and all that.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38"Yeah, yeah, it's all good. Nothing wrong with me."
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Why? It's an habitual thing, it really is.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44It's because, you know, I've got many years
0:22:44 > 0:22:48of fucking having to do it to get what I want.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49You know, it is.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Are you talking about lying? - Yeah, yeah.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I never know if you're telling the truth or not.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Ah, well, you know...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58About anything, to be perfectly honest with you.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Oh, well, don't be so silly because...you're the last person...
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I don't tell you a lot of things, Philip,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06because I don't want to fucking worry you. All right?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I don't want to worry you. Is that so bad?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11It's not about the not telling me, it's about the things you do tell me
0:23:11 > 0:23:15- and then you change the story and... - Yeah, all right, granted.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16It's very confusing.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Well, all you have to do if that's the case, just ask me,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22at the end of whatever I've told you, just say,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25"Is that the truth, Dad?" And I'll say yea or nay.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28So what happened, did you go to court or not?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Yeah, but it was too late. I went, but it was too late.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I'd already been called.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38I got there about 11:45 and my case was at 10 o'clock.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41And that was that. And that's the truth.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49And, of course, that put me off...
0:23:49 > 0:23:53So what is the first thing I fucking do? I go and buy a can of drink.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58Well, I didn't actually buy it. I'm lying to you there. I nicked it.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02See?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- You've got to just stop lying.- Yeah.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07You've got to stop lying, even little white lies
0:24:07 > 0:24:09that you think no-one will notice - they do.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12And it just adds to the perception that you're just bullshitting
0:24:12 > 0:24:14all the time, and I don't think you are.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't.- Yeah.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Everything you've got on tape is the truth.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24There's no point in doing it otherwise.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30I mean, right this minute, it's difficult to really talk to you with that camera.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- Fuck it, I'm trying to forget the camera's there.- Why is it difficult?
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Well, no, it's not difficult as in difficult, it's just ...
0:24:41 > 0:24:42..because of the way I feel.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I don't feel good at all.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53So, what, you want to tell me something
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- but you don't want to say it on camera?- No, no.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57No, nothing like that.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Or you just feel down and angry
0:24:59 > 0:25:02and you're not really in the mood for filming? Is that what you mean?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04No, I'll do it because it helps you.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I just feel...
0:25:06 > 0:25:10an emotional wreck.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18He was always my little brother. Still is.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20We grew up together.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25Your dad was the only one that my dad went to see play football.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29And I was really pissed off about that. Because he was really good.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33People used to speak about how good he was and I thought, "Ugh..."
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I knew he was quite a rebel, really.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Then things started to go a bit wrong, really.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- The drugs came into it and... - So tell me what happened.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51You moved to Marksgate. Then it all went fucking west.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54And I only remember seeing you and Emma
0:25:54 > 0:25:57cos I always kind of went round there during the day
0:25:57 > 0:25:59to get drugs and to take drugs.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02It was somewhere safe to go to use.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Robin came over and then he started using it.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15He was my older brother and we done everything together.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19And he never got it. It was too late. He didn't get it.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23And I got the call that he was dead and I was shocked,
0:26:23 > 0:26:26completely shocked. I thought, fucking hell, man.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30That's what he's doing now. That's what Dad's doing.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32He's drinking himself to oblivion.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Yeah, but he says that, but he's using as well, isn't he?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39He's living in his own world and you're not in it.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44If you go into this emotional confrontation with him,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46you're going to lose.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52- Need to tidy up a bit, eh? - That's up to you. Yeah.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- So you're not staying in your room any more?- Yeah, yeah.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01I only got back yesterday and I just...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04I had other things on my mind
0:27:04 > 0:27:08and I was just sitting there watching the box and I fell asleep.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Sure, all right.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14I just don't believe a word you're saying.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- It's all rubbish.- Shut up!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Why am I going to lie about something like that?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Because you're renting out that room. It's obvious.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I'm not fucking renting it out.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Jesus Christ. I'm not.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34I'll grab a fag off him. Fuck it.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36So what you saying?
0:27:36 > 0:27:42- About what?- What happened here last night? Why were you up so late?
0:27:42 > 0:27:47Just up, I couldn't sleep and what have you and I was up talking
0:27:47 > 0:27:49most of the night with Maria
0:27:49 > 0:27:52and I just didn't feel the slightest bit tired.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Why were the police here last night?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Cos I didn't turn up at fucking court, did I?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Come to arrest me with no bail.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03- Brilliant.- So what happened?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Nothing. I wasn't here.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Cos I was out last night.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13During the day I was in hospital still. I was still in hospital.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Could you talk to anyone inside the hospital?
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Yeah, I spoke... Well, about me or about...?
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- About you.- Yeah, yeah.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26There was this gentleman there from a place called First Stop.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Hence First Stop is the very first stop you make,
0:28:30 > 0:28:35and he's left me a leaflet there.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Where has he left that leaflet? Yeah, here it is.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45Discuss the issues around alcohol that may be affecting you
0:28:45 > 0:28:49or troubling you, provide an assessment of your needs
0:28:49 > 0:28:52and the impact your alcohol use may have on your life.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56- Do you think you're going to go? - Oh, yeah. There's no if.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- I'm going, Philip.- Why do you want to go?- Cos I've had enough.
0:28:59 > 0:29:04I've had enough. I feel like I'm...
0:29:05 > 0:29:09I need help. I need help.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14- The thing is for me, I know you're doing other stuff, Dad.- Yeah.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18- And it doesn't matter what you're taking, you know?- No, no.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23But you need to be honest and open with me because, as you said
0:29:23 > 0:29:27yourself, that's the fundamental block of a relationship, isn't it?
0:29:27 > 0:29:29- Oh, of course it is.- Trust.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Yeah, of course it is, yeah.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34But it's... You know, there's always that element of doubt
0:29:34 > 0:29:37if I tell you absolutely everything, Phil.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41That'll put us back to fucking square one, which I'm just not prepared to do.
0:29:41 > 0:29:42What do you mean?
0:29:42 > 0:29:45You know, never speaking to you - never seeing you
0:29:45 > 0:29:49and never speaking to you. That kind of thing.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52- What can I do to help you? - What can you do to help me?
0:29:52 > 0:29:56Just be there. Just be there.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00In my darkest hours. That's all.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02I mean...
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Do you know how hard that is?
0:30:07 > 0:30:09No. I can imagine.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11I can imagine.
0:30:11 > 0:30:16Only because if I was the reverse, I know how hard it'd be for me.
0:30:16 > 0:30:24Break my heart. If I was... If you were me and I were you.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28It'd break my heart to see you like that.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31One sec.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37You left this in the kitchen. I put it away for you.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40WHISPERING
0:30:41 > 0:30:43So you're here all day, are you?
0:30:43 > 0:30:48Ha-ha! You look well happy. I would.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54So you know when you go off like that?
0:30:54 > 0:30:57You know, with your microphone, so I can hear your whispers
0:30:57 > 0:31:00and I know what you're saying
0:31:00 > 0:31:03so I just don't get why you do that whispering thing.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09- It's better than going... - Better than going what?
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Excuse me if I do that every now and again.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23- I'm getting a bit of the horrors. - It's better than going what?
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Well, letting you know everything, Phil.
0:31:27 > 0:31:33- So he's just gone out to score and he's to give you some.- No.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36No! Don't smile like that and don't be so facetious
0:31:36 > 0:31:39and thinking I'm fibbing to you, because I'm not.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43I'll fucking turn my pockets out if you don't believe me.
0:31:45 > 0:31:46Right?
0:31:48 > 0:31:52These are the tablets if you don't believe me. Look.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54And there's a packet of them in there if you want to look.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58MUSIC: Electricity by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark
0:32:00 > 0:32:02INAUDIBLE
0:32:13 > 0:32:15This is my boy.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Every time I turned up, I met a new friend
0:32:24 > 0:32:26and another excuse why he couldn't get help.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29His debts were piling up, the fridge was empty
0:32:29 > 0:32:32and the council had been writing to him for months,
0:32:32 > 0:32:35threatening to repossess the flat.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45- Do you live here? - Are you going to 55?
0:32:45 > 0:32:47- Do you live at number 55? - My father does.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Your father does? Is your dad in at the moment?
0:32:50 > 0:32:52I hope so. I've brought him a bag of shopping.
0:32:52 > 0:32:53OK. Do you want to lead on?
0:32:53 > 0:32:55- Why are you here? - Pardon?- Why are you here?
0:32:55 > 0:32:57We need to explain it to your dad.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05- Dad, there's police downstairs for you.- For me?- Yeah.
0:33:05 > 0:33:06What's your name?
0:33:06 > 0:33:08- Philip Wood. Come in. - All right, no worries.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11Probably the wrong address, then, Philip.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14- You don't know a Richard, do you? - Richard?- Yeah.
0:33:14 > 0:33:15Are you friends with him or not?
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- Well...I want to be.- What, you used to be friends with him or...?
0:33:18 > 0:33:19Yeah. Used to stay here.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Listen, you know that obviously police are after him, don't you?
0:33:22 > 0:33:25- Yeah, of course I do. - So if he's here, do you have a mobile phone at all?
0:33:25 > 0:33:28- Yeah, I do, yeah.- Dial 101 quietly.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31See you later. Bye-bye.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38I'm frightened of losing this place cos if I fucking lost this,
0:33:38 > 0:33:42what would I do? And really, for what?
0:33:44 > 0:33:46What are they called?
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Antisocial behaviour. Fuck sake.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51What antisocial behaviour have I exhibited?
0:33:51 > 0:33:53What, because people are coming in and out?
0:33:53 > 0:33:56Well, I can't stop people knocking at the fucking door.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58What should I do, put a big sign up -
0:33:58 > 0:34:01"Don't knock here cos my neighbour don't like it"?
0:34:10 > 0:34:14Still trying to figure out what kind of life I've actually had.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17It hasn't been a life, has it? It's been an existence.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19I mean, to this day,
0:34:19 > 0:34:21I don't know how your mum managed to stay with me
0:34:21 > 0:34:22for twenty-fucking-three years.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25She says you used to threaten her.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Yeah, I used to do all kinds of shit.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31- I don't ever recall actually hitting her, though.- I recall it a lot.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33- Do you?- Yeah.- I don't.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35No, I don't.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38I never used to hit her.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41I mean, I might have pushed or slapped her.
0:34:41 > 0:34:42That's still hitting, I suppose.
0:34:42 > 0:34:46- Yeah, you used to hit her. - What, badly?- Yeah.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54You used to hit Emma, as well.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56You used to beat Emma.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Used to beat your wife. Used to beat me. It was violent.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Was I?
0:35:03 > 0:35:07No, I never perceived myself to have been that way.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12That's quite... That's quite shocking and surprising,
0:35:12 > 0:35:16because I never thought I was that type of person.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18What happened to you?
0:35:18 > 0:35:22I just got deeper and deeper. I just went deeper and deeper.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24That was my comfort, that was my safety blanket,
0:35:24 > 0:35:26that was my best friend.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29I can have this and this is my best friend -
0:35:29 > 0:35:31- this will take all my worries away. - KNOCKING
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Take my depression away.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42- Hello!- All right, sir, how are you?
0:35:42 > 0:35:46Can you turn it off for ten minutes, so we can have a chat?
0:35:46 > 0:35:49- No, I really need to finish this. So...- Two hours travelling.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52- Yeah, no, he's travelled for two hours, Phil.- I don't care.
0:35:52 > 0:35:53I've come a long, long way.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56- So you're going to have to go somewhere else.- Go in the bedroom.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00- Sit in me bedroom.- No, no, no, Dad, they've got to get out.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02- Oh, Phil, it's all right. - No, I don't want them here.
0:36:02 > 0:36:06- That's the guy that stole off you when you was in rehab.- Pardon?
0:36:06 > 0:36:08- You're Ted.- Two hours' travelling.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10I didn't steal off him.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12You're going to... I don't want you here.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16- You're going to have to leave. - Right, give us a couple of minutes.
0:36:16 > 0:36:20Please. Just tell your son that...
0:36:20 > 0:36:23I think he's only had one side of the story.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Yeah, well, he's my boy.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29- I'm just getting to know him. - I know, it's understandable.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32We'll go and sit down in your garden, that's all.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35Just go for a walk. I'll be about 20 minutes.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39- I'll let you in the garden. - That's fine.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41I'll let them in the garden, Phil. All right?
0:36:41 > 0:36:43I'll open the gate for you. Won't be a minute.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Yeah, I know, but he's rude with you, he's rude with me.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53It's my son.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Yeah, but I'll tell him when I go up.
0:36:57 > 0:36:58I need credit to phone this guy.
0:36:58 > 0:37:03- I've got credit.- Him and his gear is bomb shack, I swear to you.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08Oh...I'm miced up.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12- It's really nice to see you, Phil, really, really nice.- Yeah.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18I'm coming back now, Phil. Can you hear me?
0:37:18 > 0:37:22I know he's stole off of me, but, come on, he's the same as me.
0:37:22 > 0:37:23I'm no angel.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27He's come to do a bit of gardening anyway.
0:37:31 > 0:37:36- Philip.- Yeah?- I was speaking to you, couldn't you hear me?
0:37:36 > 0:37:38- I was downstairs.- Oh, right.
0:37:38 > 0:37:42- Well, I'll let you go, Dad. - Look, Phil, listen to me.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45I said, "If my son tells you to go, he means it." I said...
0:37:45 > 0:37:49He said, "Can't you tell him?" I said, "I can't tell him shit."
0:37:49 > 0:37:52He'll tell me. I said, "Ted, he's more important to me than anyone.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56"This is my only chance of getting to know him and..."
0:37:58 > 0:38:00I can't stop people knocking.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02Yeah, you can't say no to them, either, Dad.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05What did I say? I'm easily led.
0:38:05 > 0:38:09But what I've done is handy, I've got him cutting the fucking grass.
0:38:09 > 0:38:10You have a look.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13He's out there chopping the grass.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16And pulling the weeds out.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19I can't help you. I can't save you, Dad.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22No, I don't want you to save me. I just want you to be there.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26And you are now. That's it.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30It's all I want. I pick up the phone and I want to speak to my son.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35You're my son at the end of the day.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38I'm sorry I wasn't a great father.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43You see how emotional I get? I hate it!
0:38:44 > 0:38:49The slightest thing's getting me really upset and I fucking hate it.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52Oh!
0:38:54 > 0:38:58It's probably because I'm really hurt about what you said.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00But it's the truth - the truth hurts.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03I just didn't believe I was that shit.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08I thought... I knew I was a shit father because I was a heroin user.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11Never for one minute did I think I fucking hit you.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16That makes me feel really bad.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20I feel fucking shitty, actually.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25That was my one and only saving grace.
0:39:25 > 0:39:29I thought, "At least I never used to fucking hit my kids and my wife."
0:39:29 > 0:39:32Then apparently I did.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34And I don't remember it.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Fucking hell.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41I hate life!
0:39:42 > 0:39:44I fucking hate it.
0:39:44 > 0:39:49I tell you, if it wasn't... I swear, I don't say this loosely
0:39:49 > 0:39:51and I don't say it flippantly, either -
0:39:51 > 0:39:54if it wasn't for you two, there would have been many a time
0:39:54 > 0:39:56when I really couldn't cope.
0:39:56 > 0:40:01I've had enough, pills, drugs, to take it, to end it.
0:40:01 > 0:40:06I'm not frightened of dying, but I don't want to leave you lot.
0:40:28 > 0:40:33You were always very quiet about it. We never...
0:40:33 > 0:40:36I never told you about him being addicted to drugs.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39It's something that I think, well, for me,
0:40:39 > 0:40:42I just grew up knowing and watching it progressively get worse.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46You were always quite withdrawn about it.
0:40:46 > 0:40:50You never wanted to cause... You just would rather stay out the way.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53The only time you'd get involved, or shout, was when
0:40:53 > 0:40:57Mum was getting hit and you'd shout down the stairs.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59But you would try not to provoke Dad.
0:41:03 > 0:41:07I remember the day she left, she had a bag with her -
0:41:07 > 0:41:11only like a small holdall thing - and she insisted on walking
0:41:11 > 0:41:13to the bus stop with me and she gave me a big cuddle,
0:41:13 > 0:41:17which was even stranger because we certainly weren't affectionate with each other.
0:41:17 > 0:41:24And all I had was, from Mum, "I've left your dad. There's a letter in the post."
0:41:24 > 0:41:27That was my mum telling me that she's walked out
0:41:27 > 0:41:29and left my dad, which was fine.
0:41:31 > 0:41:35But then I had my dad on the phone and I then had to deal with my dad
0:41:35 > 0:41:39and I remember, all of a sudden, feeling quite frantic
0:41:39 > 0:41:42cos for the first time in my life,
0:41:42 > 0:41:46my mum's gone, I don't know where she is or who she's with.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49She weren't picking up the phone, she weren't phoning me.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51I mean, not that I would have been angry at her,
0:41:51 > 0:41:54but there was me and you left to it.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56And...
0:41:56 > 0:42:01I come home that Saturday cos Dad received her letter...
0:42:03 > 0:42:05..and he was broken, he really was.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08He wasn't even smashed when he was reading the letter.
0:42:08 > 0:42:14You could see that reality had hit Dad with a great big thud
0:42:14 > 0:42:17and the very thing he never thought would have happened happened.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23Yeah.
0:42:23 > 0:42:24Yeah, yeah.
0:42:24 > 0:42:25Yeah.
0:42:27 > 0:42:28Come out the way, come out the way.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34Yeah.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36I'll take the boiler, then.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41When was the last time you were here?
0:42:41 > 0:42:44About three months ago.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47Three-month order, wasn't it?
0:42:47 > 0:42:49Yeah.
0:42:49 > 0:42:53Are you going to be sad to see this place go?
0:42:53 > 0:42:57Actually, no. Not really, Philip, no.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59To be perfectly honest with you.
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Always brought us problems, didn't it?
0:43:01 > 0:43:03- Well, people brought the problems. - Yeah, well...
0:43:03 > 0:43:05You brought the people.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07So, what happened in here, Dad?
0:43:07 > 0:43:08What do you mean?
0:43:08 > 0:43:10Why did you get kicked out?
0:43:10 > 0:43:13People next door.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17As I said, I was staying with Maria and I went out
0:43:17 > 0:43:19and I left this place to someone
0:43:19 > 0:43:24and they fucking turned it into a drug den, more or less, Philip.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Loud music, parties.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30So, it's a blessing in disguise?
0:43:30 > 0:43:33It could be, I'm hoping it could be.
0:43:34 > 0:43:37Especially if this other business goes all right
0:43:37 > 0:43:39and that rehab ring me, which they haven't as yet,
0:43:39 > 0:43:41but I'm going to phone them today.
0:43:45 > 0:43:48Is that door open downstairs, do you know?
0:43:51 > 0:43:53Do you like it?
0:43:53 > 0:43:55I'm not getting paid enough for this, Phil.
0:43:58 > 0:44:01- So, you're selling all this stuff? - Yeah.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03How much is it going to go for?
0:44:03 > 0:44:07- Take one and a half. - £150?- Yeah.
0:44:10 > 0:44:13- Doesn't seem like a lot. - It ain't, Phil.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15It ain't a lot at all, mate.
0:44:15 > 0:44:18But the alternative is to leave it here
0:44:18 > 0:44:20and lose it.
0:44:20 > 0:44:22So, are these your friends, Maria?
0:44:22 > 0:44:24No, they're not.
0:44:24 > 0:44:26So, they're your friends, Dad?
0:44:26 > 0:44:29They're people I know, they're not friends.
0:44:29 > 0:44:31I don't know that white guy.
0:44:31 > 0:44:33They don't seem too happy with me being here.
0:44:33 > 0:44:35No, well, that's their problem, isn't it?
0:44:35 > 0:44:38CRASHING
0:44:41 > 0:44:43All right, that's our You've Been Framed moment -
0:44:43 > 0:44:45you can send that off, as well.
0:44:45 > 0:44:48I just want to get out of here. I fucking hate it.
0:44:52 > 0:44:55Oh, fuck me, I better not show that.
0:44:55 > 0:44:57What was that?
0:44:57 > 0:44:59Something I wrote to her.
0:44:59 > 0:45:01- Who, Maria?- Yeah.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03Can't show stuff like that.
0:45:03 > 0:45:06I can, but it's embarrassing.
0:45:06 > 0:45:08Is it a love letter?
0:45:08 > 0:45:09No.
0:45:09 > 0:45:10Have a read.
0:45:14 > 0:45:16Today, we're going to do as from today,
0:45:16 > 0:45:18so you don't get charged an extra four weeks.
0:45:18 > 0:45:19- Right, OK.- OK?
0:45:20 > 0:45:22You're technically homeless now.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24Yeah, not technically, I am.
0:45:24 > 0:45:27You're perfectly within your right to go to the homelessness centre
0:45:27 > 0:45:29and say you have nowhere to go.
0:45:29 > 0:45:31Yeah, where is that, do you know?
0:45:31 > 0:45:34- PASC Centre. Liberty. - Oh, yeah, in Romford, yeah?
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Oh, I'll go in there.
0:45:37 > 0:45:40Babe, listen, I've left. I'm coming home, right?
0:45:40 > 0:45:41I'm coming back.
0:45:41 > 0:45:44I just walked out, I just said, "I'll see you soon."
0:45:47 > 0:45:49How'd you think?
0:45:51 > 0:45:52Get it ready.
0:45:54 > 0:45:55Yeah.
0:45:55 > 0:45:58Yeah, not to film.
0:46:00 > 0:46:01Oh.
0:46:03 > 0:46:07Yeah, well, get it ready and I'll be round in five minutes, all right?
0:46:07 > 0:46:09All right, see you in a minute.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14Oh, for God's sake, you're slow.
0:46:14 > 0:46:15Well, get going.
0:46:18 > 0:46:21Yeah, well, that's it. All right, see you in a minute.
0:46:39 > 0:46:41It's changed over the years.
0:46:41 > 0:46:43I was angry at Dad, I hated him.
0:46:43 > 0:46:46He made my life hell - there's no two ways about it.
0:46:46 > 0:46:48Absolutely hated him.
0:46:48 > 0:46:52As I've got older and realised that you're ill -
0:46:52 > 0:46:56it's an illness - and no-one chooses to grow up
0:46:56 > 0:46:59and become an addict or an alcoholic,
0:46:59 > 0:47:03and I don't believe that, you know,
0:47:03 > 0:47:05Dad wanted to end up the way he has.
0:47:05 > 0:47:08But I think he's ill. I think he's so ill
0:47:08 > 0:47:14and he's a lost cause, that as I've got older, I just pity him.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16Oh, come on, Philip, you're useless.
0:47:16 > 0:47:20I pity him for what he could have had and what he had and lost.
0:47:21 > 0:47:25I pity him for having a life that no-one would want.
0:47:26 > 0:47:30To wake up every day and just block it all out
0:47:30 > 0:47:33and just live day by day the way he lives -
0:47:33 > 0:47:35it's an existence, it's not a life.
0:47:35 > 0:47:38And I just pity that because I just think,
0:47:38 > 0:47:42"You're going to go to your grave and look back
0:47:42 > 0:47:44"and what have you done?"
0:47:44 > 0:47:48So I feel sorry for him because I just think it's a waste.
0:48:07 > 0:48:09Dad went back to live with Maria
0:48:09 > 0:48:11and he spoke more about getting help,
0:48:11 > 0:48:14but I didn't take it seriously.
0:48:14 > 0:48:16I showed some footage of Dad to my uncle.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19He was shocked, and, a few weeks later,
0:48:19 > 0:48:22he raised enough money to get him into rehab.
0:48:22 > 0:48:27A bed suddenly became available and I arranged to get him there.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30I don't want to let you go.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33I'm going to miss you so fucking much.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36- Aw, jeez.- Good luck.
0:48:36 > 0:48:39Thank you.
0:48:39 > 0:48:41I'll do it, I'll do it.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43- I know.- Promise you, I'll do it.
0:48:45 > 0:48:46All right?
0:48:46 > 0:48:49I'll see you as soon as I can.
0:48:49 > 0:48:51- Ring me tonight.- I promise you.
0:48:51 > 0:48:54I'll ring you on my number, all right?
0:48:54 > 0:48:55All right, babe.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58- Safe journey and I'll speak to you soon.- Yeah.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01- All right, babe. - Just make the most of it.- I shall.
0:49:01 > 0:49:03- Love you.- And you.
0:49:03 > 0:49:05Ta-ra, babe.
0:49:07 > 0:49:08Shit.
0:49:08 > 0:49:09Argh.
0:50:01 > 0:50:04Just put this behind me over there.
0:50:16 > 0:50:19So, what was going on in that house?
0:50:19 > 0:50:21- You mean your dad's flat?- Yeah.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24Erm, pretty much everything you could connect to drug use.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27There was people living there that were homeless,
0:50:27 > 0:50:29people living there that was on the run,
0:50:29 > 0:50:31people there that had arrest warrants out for them.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34Erm, there were stolen goods in the property,
0:50:34 > 0:50:37there was drug dealing going on from the property,
0:50:37 > 0:50:42drug use, erm, complete chaos 24 hours a day.
0:50:42 > 0:50:47He... He knew you knew a certain amount, but he was in denial
0:50:47 > 0:50:51about the facts, that you knew the truth.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54I mean, he was trying to make you think that he was just having
0:50:54 > 0:50:57a drink now and again and that he might use some drugs,
0:50:57 > 0:50:58but not heroin.
0:50:58 > 0:51:00You know, there was, pretty much...
0:51:00 > 0:51:04Other than prostitution, I think there was everything else
0:51:04 > 0:51:06you can imagine going on there.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13I'm in the process of being on a methadone prescription,
0:51:13 > 0:51:16which is the first step forward from being drug-free.
0:51:16 > 0:51:20And I'm just hoping that from now on, in the next few months,
0:51:20 > 0:51:23I can get slowly better, and by the time he gets out,
0:51:23 > 0:51:25I'll have a bit of good news for him, hopefully.
0:51:25 > 0:51:28You know, meaning that I'm doing well,
0:51:28 > 0:51:31rather than still doing the same thing.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35You've still got a long time...
0:51:35 > 0:51:38to fix things, you know?
0:51:38 > 0:51:42- Sort things out.- Mm. It's going to take a long time!
0:51:43 > 0:51:45- But you know what I mean.- I do.
0:51:45 > 0:51:48But when you look at the road ahead,
0:51:48 > 0:51:51it seems too much to even bother with.
0:51:51 > 0:51:56It's just, it's easier to just carry on the way you are and just forget.
0:51:57 > 0:52:00I don't want to take the easy way out and carry on taking drugs.
0:52:00 > 0:52:02I'm sick of not looking after myself,
0:52:02 > 0:52:05I'm sick of people looking at me the way they do in the street.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07And I know what they think, I know what they're saying,
0:52:07 > 0:52:09I can hear them when they walk past me.
0:52:09 > 0:52:12Now, I want people to look at me and say, "Jesus, look at her," you know,
0:52:12 > 0:52:16"Do you remember her," like, "Do you remember her a couple of years ago?"
0:52:16 > 0:52:18The state, what she looked like, and, you know,
0:52:18 > 0:52:20that she used to be a manager in a bookies'.
0:52:20 > 0:52:23She used to drive a lovely car. Now look at the state of her now.
0:52:23 > 0:52:26And I want to come back from that and they'll say, "Look at her,
0:52:26 > 0:52:28"she's done well, she must have come away from it."
0:52:28 > 0:52:32Because you can tell just by looking at people. I think I can, anyway.
0:52:32 > 0:52:35You know, and I want to be a success,
0:52:35 > 0:52:38I don't want to be someone that's looked upon as a druggie, you know?
0:53:28 > 0:53:31- Oh!- Look at you!
0:53:31 > 0:53:35Yeah, look at me, eh? Drug-free!
0:53:37 > 0:53:42- How you doing?- Yeah, I'm really well, son, really well. Yourself?
0:53:42 > 0:53:46- I'm good, I'm glad to see you. - Yeah, likewise, likewise.
0:53:46 > 0:53:48Do you want to come in?
0:53:48 > 0:53:50Coming in, yeah?
0:53:51 > 0:53:53How are you feeling, Dad?
0:53:53 > 0:53:55- What, right now? Or generally? - Right now.
0:53:55 > 0:53:59Comfortable. Happy. Fine.
0:54:00 > 0:54:04I never thought I'd see the day I'd do it. But, hey, I'm doing it.
0:54:04 > 0:54:08Because I'd had enough. Nothing new. You see nothing new that awaits me.
0:54:08 > 0:54:10Nothing.
0:54:10 > 0:54:12No, it's the same old, same old,
0:54:12 > 0:54:15needing the same old crap every single day.
0:54:17 > 0:54:20That ain't getting me nowhere. It cost me so much. I lost everything.
0:54:20 > 0:54:22I lost everything over it.
0:54:23 > 0:54:26What do you think your lifestyle and my upbringing, -
0:54:26 > 0:54:28what effect do you think it had on me?
0:54:28 > 0:54:32It destroyed you, I would imagine. Shame... Ashamed...
0:54:32 > 0:54:36You must've been ashamed of me, I would've thought.
0:54:36 > 0:54:38Even embarrassed to talk about me.
0:54:38 > 0:54:41As opposed to being proud.
0:54:43 > 0:54:47- But psychological... - I can't imagine.
0:54:47 > 0:54:51It must have done your head in. It MUST have done your head in.
0:54:52 > 0:54:57What I'd like to do is actually for you to ask me a question.
0:54:57 > 0:55:00- About what? Anything in particular? - Yeah, you must have questions.
0:55:00 > 0:55:03I've got thousands.
0:55:03 > 0:55:05Let me think of one to give you. Erm...
0:55:08 > 0:55:10Yeah, what was it like for you?
0:55:10 > 0:55:12Yeah, go on, then, I'll start with that one.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14So, what was it like for you growing up with me?
0:55:14 > 0:55:18Seeing me every day... Well, you didn't see me do it every day,
0:55:18 > 0:55:20but you knew I was doing it every day.
0:55:20 > 0:55:22- So, what was that like? - It was horrible.
0:55:22 > 0:55:25Yeah, I know it was horrible, but how horrible?
0:55:25 > 0:55:29Like, worried horrible or get on with it horrible?
0:55:29 > 0:55:31No, I just wanted to run away.
0:55:31 > 0:55:33- Run away? What, at an early age? - Yeah.
0:55:33 > 0:55:35I just never wanted to be there.
0:55:35 > 0:55:38- No.- I just hated, I hated... - What, me?
0:55:38 > 0:55:43- No, just existing.- Just existing? - I just hated life.- That's, that's...
0:55:43 > 0:55:46- That was brought on by me.- Yes.
0:55:47 > 0:55:50You know what I used to say to my friends?
0:55:50 > 0:55:52Oh, my dad's just had a drink.
0:55:52 > 0:55:56Because I used to think you being an alcoholic was less embarrassing...
0:55:56 > 0:56:00- Less embarrassing than being a junkie.- Than being a heroin addict.
0:56:00 > 0:56:03They're both the same, yeah. Erm, Jesus...
0:56:03 > 0:56:07- Because I used to just... I was never at home.- No, you wasn't, no.
0:56:07 > 0:56:11- I would sleep out in the park. - In the park? Oh, my God.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13I used to tell Mum I was sleeping at a friend's,
0:56:13 > 0:56:17but I would sleep out in the park with my mates or by myself
0:56:17 > 0:56:19or I would just walk around all night.
0:56:19 > 0:56:21You hated living there that much?
0:56:21 > 0:56:23And I was drinking at an early age.
0:56:23 > 0:56:27- Drinking before school.- Jesus!
0:56:28 > 0:56:31I didn't go to school an awful lot towards the end.
0:56:32 > 0:56:35And I used to smoke a lot of drugs, as well, just to escape it.
0:56:35 > 0:56:39- Just the puff? - Yeah, just marijuana. But...
0:56:39 > 0:56:42You never touched that stuff, did you, what I had?
0:56:42 > 0:56:44You never touched that. Or did you?
0:56:44 > 0:56:45- What, harder stuff?- Yeah.- No.
0:56:45 > 0:56:49Oh, golly. Oh, good. Jesus.
0:56:49 > 0:56:51That bad.
0:56:51 > 0:56:53I just wanted to end it, really.
0:56:53 > 0:56:55Mm... Mm-hm. Fucking hell.
0:57:01 > 0:57:04MUSIC: Golden Brown by The Stranglers
0:57:21 > 0:57:24# Golden brown, texture like sun
0:57:24 > 0:57:28# Lays me down With my mind she runs
0:57:28 > 0:57:31# Throughout the night No need to fight
0:57:31 > 0:57:35# Never a frown with golden brown
0:57:39 > 0:57:43# Every time, just like the last
0:57:43 > 0:57:47# On her ship tied to the mast
0:57:47 > 0:57:50# To distant lands Takes both my hands
0:57:50 > 0:57:55# Never a frown with golden brown
0:58:15 > 0:58:19# Golden brown, finer temptress
0:58:19 > 0:58:22# Through the ages She's heading west... #