0:00:02 > 0:00:04Hello, and welcome to this special edition of Man Lab
0:00:04 > 0:00:06where it really is Christmas Day in the workhouse.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10Everything is carpeted in a magical layer of sawdust.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14Here, in our grotty grotto, we are going to banish festive fecklessness
0:00:14 > 0:00:19and the ghosts of Christmas past and do everything properly.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41In tonight's bulging sack,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43we have a blast felling our Man Lab Christmas tree.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47In three, two, one. Boff.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49We make some crackers crackers.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55We make Christmas dinner with military precision.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56It's turkey time.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59And, good King Wenceslas-Oz leans out of a window
0:00:59 > 0:01:02in an attempt to create our own snowstorm.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Fantastic.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13# Ding dong merrily on high
0:01:13 > 0:01:15# In heaven the bells are ringing
0:01:15 > 0:01:17# Ding dong verily the skies
0:01:17 > 0:01:19# Are ridden with angels singing. #
0:01:21 > 0:01:23So, here it is, Christmas.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Everybody's having fun.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29It's a time of gifts and goodwill and silly jumpers,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32of dull dads saying "God bless us one and all,"
0:01:32 > 0:01:34in an overdramatic voice.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Many wonderful things.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39But what is the one thing that makes Christmas
0:01:39 > 0:01:40actually feel like Christmas
0:01:40 > 0:01:43and not August, which is when we're filming this?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47We decided to conduct one of our Man Lab surveys.
0:01:47 > 0:01:5020% of our respondents voted for spending two weeks in a country
0:01:50 > 0:01:52that doesn't celebrate Christmas.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57Only 8% voted for turkey and 1% for a game of charades,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00although no-one was quite sure what they meant.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04However, an overwhelming 60% of our sample said that Christmas
0:02:04 > 0:02:09is only really Christmas with a proper Christmas tree.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14# O, Tannenbaum, O, Tannebaum. #
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Here is our tree.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19It's a 35 foot sustainable monster.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Now, earlier in the year, in normal Man Lab, we cut down a tree
0:02:22 > 0:02:25by the old-fashioned method, of axe and saw,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27and it took absolutely ages.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30So, for Christmas we've come up with something much more modern,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32and crucially, quicker.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Follow me.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42This is Charlie, he's an explosives expert.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43And we're going to be using this.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48This is linear cutting charge, a sort of explosive draught excluder.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50It's very widely used in the demolition business
0:02:50 > 0:02:51to slice through things,
0:02:51 > 0:02:55like the concrete or steel verticals of big buildings,
0:02:55 > 0:02:59so that they fall in a nice neat pile and can be quickly swept away.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00All we're asking it to do
0:03:00 > 0:03:03is separate this feeble fir tree from its stump.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08This burns at a rate of four miles per second.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11The circumference of the tree is almost exactly three feet.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16So, I've calculated that this job will take 1/10,000th of a second.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21The thinking behind this fir-felling fatuousness is as follows,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24the draught stopper consists of a foam tube,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26inside which is a plastic explosive and a strip of copper.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30When the explosive goes off the copper is blasted through the tree
0:03:30 > 0:03:33like a knife through an overcooked sprout.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36The copper bit there is a sort of a big circular penknife blade.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38It will be, yes, when it's been...
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- When it goes bang.- ..squeezed under.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44We cut the tube to size, stick it round the tree and we're sorted,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47save for a small addition quite difficult to source in August.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51To impart a suitable Yuletide flavour to these proceedings
0:03:51 > 0:03:56we're going to disguise our bit of explosives as tinsel
0:03:56 > 0:03:59but please, seriously, don't do this at home.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04# The rats ate all the presents
0:04:04 > 0:04:06# And the reindeer ran away. #
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Job done.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Right, just to borrow a bit of advice from the 5th of November,
0:04:11 > 0:04:12it's time to stand well back
0:04:12 > 0:04:16and never return to your tree once it's been exploded.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Axes, they're for Vikings.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Right, here we go, charging.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Line one, in three, two, one, boff.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Wow.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Oh, it hasn't worked.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Hang on, it has.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Holy Mother of Santa. Look at that.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Wow, look at that. That is superb.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Clean, efficient, quite expensive, yes, I know,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23but nevertheless, a superb way to cut down a tree.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26However you measure it, and including the Richter scale,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29that was a success.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32All that remains is for our own East End elf, Rory,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34to drag it back to the Man Lab.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Here is our loveliest of trees,
0:05:38 > 0:05:41erected by the magic of Yuletide television
0:05:41 > 0:05:42in the corner of our Man Lab.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46And it's even better than it looks because we've mounted it
0:05:46 > 0:05:48on this powered, rotating plinth
0:05:48 > 0:05:50that I can operate from this piece
0:05:50 > 0:05:52of very modern electrical equipment down here.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Watch this. Off it goes, allowing us to display all sides of the tree
0:05:56 > 0:05:58and not just the bit facing the room and,
0:05:58 > 0:06:03better still, by rotating this knob, I can change the speed.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06So, I can make the display more dynamic.
0:06:06 > 0:06:12This also has the added advantage of getting rid of Rory for us.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13How about that?
0:06:13 > 0:06:18Now, later on, we'll be showing you how to decorate a tree of this size
0:06:18 > 0:06:20in the modern Man Lab way.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23But before that we're going to move into the kitchen
0:06:23 > 0:06:24and interfere with time itself.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Follow me.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30We're going to cook a right corker of a Christmas feast
0:06:30 > 0:06:32for our special Man Lab guests.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37Expecting proper food, with no lumps or raw bits, are Doctor Ben,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39who helped me explode a dead budgie a few weeks ago,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Matt McIvor, the lead singer from Love Fungus,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Razor Ruddock, who shouted at me a lot when I missed a penalty,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Simmy, and various people from our office,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51who are fed up with the usual gruel.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Cooking well for a large number of people is difficult
0:06:53 > 0:06:57so we've drawn a table and created our own time zone.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02It's called turkey time, and here it is and here is zero hour
0:07:02 > 0:07:04when everything is ready to serve.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08And from this very, very handy, very clear, colour-coded chart
0:07:08 > 0:07:10we can work out that, for example,
0:07:10 > 0:07:14at zero hour turkey time minus three hours and 30 minutes
0:07:14 > 0:07:17somebody must peel the parsnips.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19At zero hour minus three hours 45 minutes
0:07:19 > 0:07:21somebody has to read the instructions
0:07:21 > 0:07:23on the bread sauce packet. It's all perfectly clear,
0:07:23 > 0:07:27there's absolutely no excuse for making a baubles of this.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30We'll try that baubles joke again later on
0:07:30 > 0:07:32because I'm sure it'll work.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Meantime, quickly grab a pen and write all this down
0:07:35 > 0:07:37before we move on to something else.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44I'm now going to declare it turkey time minus
0:07:44 > 0:07:47five hours and 30 minutes.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50In charge of logistics, and not especially imbued
0:07:50 > 0:07:54with the spirit of goodwill, is Sergeant Major Weston.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58And on extra duties in the cookhouse is Lance Corporal Oz Clarke.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- Carry on, Sergeant.- Clarke, put that down!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Go over there and tell me about turkey weights and timings.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- Go, come on, move yourself. - Keep your hair on.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Turkey. The two most important things about turkey
0:08:09 > 0:08:11are how many people have you got
0:08:11 > 0:08:15and a turkey will basically, one kilogram will do about two people.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18So, a six kilogram turkey like this will do 12, 13 people.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20And secondly, timings,
0:08:20 > 0:08:24if you put the oven at about 190 degrees centigrade,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27that's gas mark five, about 20 minutes per kilogram,
0:08:27 > 0:08:32six of those therefore, six kilograms two hours.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Plus you need to add about 90 minutes,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36that's 9-0, minutes at the end.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40So, two hours plus 90 minutes, three-and-a-half hours.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Three-and-a-half hours, dead simple.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Good. Now for the stuffing and some advice from the sergeant.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Hurry up.- All right, then.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Time waits for no turkey. Every second counts.
0:08:53 > 0:08:59This is an electric stove.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Right.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Most importantly, our sergeant major is under strict orders
0:09:06 > 0:09:09not to let Oz touch a drop until dinner is served.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11What are you supposed to be doing?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Turkey, right, erm, er...
0:09:13 > 0:09:15So, leaving Oz to struggle with his cold turkey,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19we turn to the problem of dressing our tree.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25It is estimated every year British men spend 60 million man hours
0:09:25 > 0:09:28decorating Christmas trees by hand
0:09:28 > 0:09:31and, that at any one point in the 48-hour run-up to Christmas Day,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34at least 30 of them are in casualty with bauble related injuries
0:09:34 > 0:09:38sustained falling off a small stepladder.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40We like to pretend that it is a joyous, tinselly communion
0:09:40 > 0:09:42in the bosom of the family.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45But it isn't, let's be honest, it's dullsville.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49So, I asked Sim, our Socrates of the socket set,
0:09:49 > 0:09:54to bring some military thinking to bear on this problem.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58This is the barrel of a mortar, compressed air mortar,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01fires pretty much anything that'll fit inside that tube.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06The mortar is a weapon that's been around since as early as 1453
0:10:06 > 0:10:07and, like Jeremy Kyle's gob,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09nothing good has ever come out of it.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Extremely popular in both world wars,
0:10:11 > 0:10:16its bombs could be aimed to fall directly into trenches.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Our 60psi controlled action bauble mortar, though,
0:10:21 > 0:10:23has the rather more jolly task
0:10:23 > 0:10:26of firing meaningless festive guff at our tree.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30It's like being the Wright brothers, except we're decorating a tree
0:10:30 > 0:10:32instead of improving humankind
0:10:32 > 0:10:36with invention of powered, controlled and sustained flight.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Simmy welds up a few joints and we fit a valve for the compressed air.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Our mortar is now ready to deck the halls at 50 paces
0:10:42 > 0:10:45but it still lacks a certain something.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47The only thing that's really missing from this, Sim,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50is some sense of it being a proper sort of military weapon.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55It needs to be camouflaged so that it blends in with its surroundings.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56That's what you do with a mortar, isn't it?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- It is, indeed.- Let's paint it.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01# War, war is stupid
0:11:01 > 0:11:02# And people are stupid
0:11:02 > 0:11:06# And love means nothing in some strange quarters. #
0:11:06 > 0:11:09No one would suspect anything.
0:11:09 > 0:11:160K, inaugural, fiery, tailed bauble.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Loaded.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- Pressurise.- Charged.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Four bar, fire at will.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Hurray.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Right, more.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37For those of you who haven't served in the Christmas military,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40the mortar works very simply. A remote compressor feeds air
0:11:40 > 0:11:43to a reservoir in the mortar which is controlled by a valve.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Lovely.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47When the valve is released,
0:11:47 > 0:11:51whatever symbol of goodwill is in the tube is fired out.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It is the pipe of peace.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Look at that, sorry we can just,
0:11:58 > 0:12:02I just want to point this out, before the tree gets away.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07No stepladder, no effort, admittedly one of the baubles has shattered
0:12:07 > 0:12:11but you don't see that from this side, so that's OK.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13But then, a snag.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- That's a bit rubbish.- Yeah. - How are we going to do tinsel?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Because it does need proper tinsel
0:12:20 > 0:12:24for that tree to look suitably cheesy and Christmassy.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Sim had an idea and will now shout it at you.
0:12:29 > 0:12:35This is a four-stroke petrol, normally-aspirated leaf blower.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40Air cooled, and it's given me an idea.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Now that we have a fair smattering of traditional baubles on the tree,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Millie and I are going to add these symbolic tool decorations,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50partly because they embody the spirit of Man Lab
0:12:50 > 0:12:53but, more importantly, let us not forget that the Christ child himself
0:12:53 > 0:12:56would have been familiar with tools such as these
0:12:56 > 0:12:59in the workshop of Joseph the poor...
0:12:59 > 0:13:01LEAF BLOWER REVS
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Never mind.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Nice.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13Blowing leaves around is pointless. So, Simmy has converted the
0:13:13 > 0:13:17irritating contraption into a breech-loaded tinsel machine gun.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Say hello to my little festive friend.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Fire.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27Fire.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29That was excellent.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31That worked really well, didn't it?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33It looks brilliant. Put lights on.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- Are you ready?- Yes.
0:13:41 > 0:13:47- Wey-hey.- Aah.- How good is that? - Lovely.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50There you are, that's the first Christmas tree in history,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53as far as we know, to be direct decorated ballistically.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56But it isn't quite finished yet because we have the crowning glory
0:13:56 > 0:13:59of the Christmas tree to attach, the fairy.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Now this is, indeed, a ballistic fairy.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05It's shaped rather like a World War I German Zeppelin bomb.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08And, if our thinking is correct, it will fly through the air
0:14:08 > 0:14:14and her arms will just drop over a branch at the top of the tree,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16from where she can look down on us all, benignly.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Fairy in the hole.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Breech closed, wait for it. Maximum pressure.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Is that fully closed?
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Hello, who's that?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34That's really spooky, I don't like that.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37What are you doing here?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Fire.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44Oh, dear.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- I think I saw her head come off. - Think the head came off.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50And so, I bask in the festive glow of our tree
0:14:50 > 0:14:52contemplating the casualties of war.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55But she's got no head. That's terrible.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01Soon our guests will be here. They will expect food, a tree and gifts.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04It's better to receive than give so let's confront the misery
0:15:04 > 0:15:07of wrapping a present and get it over with.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Now, it is commonly held that men cannot wrap things up
0:15:10 > 0:15:11but, of course, that's cobblers
0:15:11 > 0:15:13because wrapping things up is, in fact, easy.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18I'll show you using the example of this house brick.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Lay out your paper, put your brick to one edge, two, three, four,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23plus an extra one to allow for the overlap.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Then you can cut your paper.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Then you simply fold the paper over the gift item,
0:15:29 > 0:15:30stick it down,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33and then you form the ends into triangles.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38It really is fantastically easy.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41However, it's never actually like that, is it?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Because you end up on Christmas Eve with 20-oddly shaped gifts,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47that you've bought as distress purchases
0:15:47 > 0:15:49from your local petrol station,
0:15:49 > 0:15:51rolling around in a drunken stupor,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54with bits of sticky tape stuck all over your face,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56and missing The Guns Of Navarone.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00There is, however, an easier way to do all this.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02This is a vacuum packing bag,
0:16:02 > 0:16:06it's used by people to store pillows, spare duvets and things
0:16:06 > 0:16:10that really ought to go to the dump.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13We have taken some and we have coloured them red
0:16:13 > 0:16:15and, indeed, green.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18It is now a simple matter of opening up the bag,
0:16:18 > 0:16:22putting in the gift item, like so,
0:16:22 > 0:16:28sealing the bag along this special press-together edge,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31like so.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Now, you take any domestic vacuum cleaner,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36this is what one looks like, you unscrew this cap like that,
0:16:36 > 0:16:43you apply the nozzle to that, turn on.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Put the cap back on.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58You've freed up enough time to watch The Guns Of Navarone
0:16:58 > 0:17:01and probably The Bridge Over The River Kwai, as well.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03What could be simpler?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05# Magic moments. #
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I wonder what it could be?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11# When two hearts are caring. #
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Meanwhile, as Oz is still prepping the potatoes
0:17:13 > 0:17:14and feeling like he's in Mash.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Faster, get a move on.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Let me tell you about a grand undertaking
0:17:19 > 0:17:22which we'd begun a little earlier.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26We'd already checked off the top answer
0:17:26 > 0:17:28on our Man Lab Christmas survey by getting a tree.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32While that was making its way to the lab,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35we set about dealing with the second highest answer,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37it was much more tricky.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Here is the Christmas card that Richard Hammond sent me last year.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42In fact I've been getting cards
0:17:42 > 0:17:44something like this for most of my 48 years.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46And it shows,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50in direct contravention of my lifetime's experience, some snow.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Now, I have never actually seen it snow on Christmas Day,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I've never even heard it forecast for Christmas Day
0:17:57 > 0:18:01which gives the Met Office, in fact, a 100% reliability record.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05And the thing is, we are British, we love talking about the weather
0:18:05 > 0:18:07and we can print as many cards like this as we want
0:18:07 > 0:18:11but the fact remains, we can't do anything about the weather.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15We cannot actually make it snow.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Or can we?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19You see, it's been done before.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29On the 13th of November 1946, science's Vincent Schaefer
0:18:29 > 0:18:32and Bernard Vonnegut performed the first attempt at cloud seeding
0:18:32 > 0:18:35during a flight over New York.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39By dumping six lbs of dry ice into a target cloud,
0:18:39 > 0:18:43the two boffins discovered that tiny liquid droplets in the cloud
0:18:43 > 0:18:46could be instantly transformed by this super-chilled shock
0:18:46 > 0:18:47into ice crystals.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51The minute ice crystals then collide and grow into snowflakes
0:18:51 > 0:18:53until, finally, it snows.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Bernard Vonnegut, incidentally,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58was the brother of novelist Kurt Vonnegut.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03My brother was unavailable so I've teamed up with Oz Clarke.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Don't worry, the flasks contain dry ice.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- My name's Oz.- Hello, Oz. - How are you mate?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I'm Max, I'm your pilot.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I'm glad to hear it.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Right, Oz, scramble.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20A bit harder.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24This doesn't bode well. He has to open the window a bit later on.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I'm now beginning to worry about what scientists call
0:19:33 > 0:19:34the Oz uncertainty principle,
0:19:34 > 0:19:38in which the inclusion of an Oz,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41in an experiment or undertaking, has a detrimental effect on
0:19:41 > 0:19:45the results, rendering them meaningless or even hazardous.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Lovely.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56That sounds like Oz coming now
0:19:56 > 0:19:58and the conditions are actually almost perfect.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01The thing to remember is you can't do cloud seeding
0:20:01 > 0:20:02if you have no clouds at all,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05it's why it isn't an answer to the world's drought problems.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08You can't make a cloud in perfectly blue sky by this method.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11What you need is a cloud with some water already in it
0:20:11 > 0:20:14and then you encourage it to become rain or, in our case, snow.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17And we have very good clouds.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20High up the paler clouds are stratocumulus,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23not particularly good for rain.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26But underneath those, nimbostratus, these ones,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29uniformly dark grey, falling rain or snow.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30That is exactly what we want.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32They're ready to produce water
0:20:32 > 0:20:33and if it's frozen, of course, snow.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37We just need to make it do it here rather than wherever it was
0:20:37 > 0:20:40intending to do it, probably somewhere over there.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Right, they're just below.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I can see them. I don't know what they're doing.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45See James's red sweater.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Yeah, I can see him looking like the Queen of Norway.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50We are remaining very, very true and faithful
0:20:50 > 0:20:52to the original Schaefer and Vonnegut experiment here.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55We've got the same amount of dry ice at the same temperature,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57minus 78 or thereabouts.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59We're also throwing out some table salt,
0:20:59 > 0:21:03because the very tiny particles will form the nuclei of the cloud.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07They are the little droplets, normally dust or even bacteria,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10in the atmosphere around which the cloud droplets form.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Then they eventually turn into rain or, if it's cold enough, snow.
0:21:18 > 0:21:24Oz and his pilot climbing quite hard now.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27'Oz, you should recognise'
0:21:27 > 0:21:30that you have just climbed through nimbostratus
0:21:30 > 0:21:31'which is a rain bearing cloud'
0:21:31 > 0:21:34of exactly the sort of thing we're after.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- That one, is that any good? - Yeah, perfect. Absolutely wonderful.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40'James, this is the pilot. Oz is just preparing himself.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42'He's got his goggles on.'
0:21:42 > 0:21:44He's got his goggles on?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Right.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56You should be just above them ready to chuck your stuff out.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58OK, window open.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- He's done it.- This is the lid. This is going to work.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It worked in New York in 1946, it'll work here.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13I'm ready. OK, I'm going to go!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Done, done.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Fantastic, now we've got to see whether it's snowing down there.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Er, nothing down here.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Figgy pudding.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42No sign of snow, or even a light drizzle,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45but we are not to be deterred. So, Oz readies up another flask,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47of dry ice and salt, and tries again.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52Wind direction is favourable, the clouds above us are also favourable.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Now, go.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Yes, come on.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- Is there any snow?- No, we're not getting anything down here.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Not a sausage, or a raindrop, or a snowflake,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16just a terrible view of Rory's pants.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Let's look for another cloud. OK.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Again and again we'd tried.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25The cloud in front of you looks perfect, big black and lovely.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- Dump it in there.- Go.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32But the clouds refused to play snowball.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37And our winter wonderland remained, in case you had forgotten, Augusty.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Actually, we have entrusted a fairly technical operation,
0:23:40 > 0:23:47ie, removing the lid from a thermos flask, to a wine connoisseur.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49That may not have been such a good idea.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Now, Max, I've got one secret weapon with us.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53OK, what's that?
0:23:53 > 0:23:58- A bottle of Kentish brewed beer, a local beer.- Oh, God.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00And it seems to me that if all this nonsense
0:24:00 > 0:24:02about dry ice and salt and all that rubbish,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04what you need is some good hops,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06a good Kent barley going straight through the cloud.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I don't think the alcohol idea will work, Oz, really.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13The idea is to give the cloud a cold shock not to get it clattered.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16OK, here we go. Kentish beer, do your best.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30As predicted, the Oz uncertainty principle
0:24:30 > 0:24:33had rendered the experiment meaningless.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Our supplies were exhausted
0:24:36 > 0:24:40and the way the wind was affecting Oz's face was terrifying the pilot.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I'm very sorry to report
0:24:42 > 0:24:45that it hasn't snowed here on the Christmas tree.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48'But thank you very much anyway. Return to base.'
0:24:48 > 0:24:50'Roger, returning to base.'
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Thanks for your help, Sierra Alpha, see you later.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Let's not forget that in the original experiment
0:24:59 > 0:25:03it didn't snow immediately, it snowed a bit later.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06So, let's just hang on.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11There's rain, I've got rain on my face.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13There's no denying that since Oz turned up,
0:25:13 > 0:25:16it has started raining a little bit.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19There's a bit more.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25And more.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44It's raining. It's raining, isn't it? It is raining.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Look at this, this is not TV trickery,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47there isn't somebody standing over there
0:25:47 > 0:25:51with one of those things that you use when you are ironing.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55That is rain.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56And that was just the start.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I know Bing Crosby never dreamed of a wet Christmas
0:26:03 > 0:26:05but it's halfway there.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Look at it.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12I mean, it may been about to rain anyway, but I don't think it was.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Look at that. It's chucking it down.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I mean it's not snow, but it's not cold.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18If it was cold that would be snow.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- Oz, you've done it.- 'Fantastic.'
0:26:25 > 0:26:29It is a miracle.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31That is incredible.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36From the stuff you use for a Genesis concert we've changed the weather.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38And we're not giving up with snow either,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40we'll try with snow again in the Man Lab.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45But, for now, Oz Clarke did this.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53OK, it wasn't the blizzard of Oz that we'd been hoping for.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55It might have been too warm for snow
0:26:55 > 0:26:58and it might have shrunk my favourite Christmas jumper.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59But for one glorious moment,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02co-pilot Oz, "I can't get in or out of an aeroplane" Clarke,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06delivered the goods.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11The question remained though, could we ever really make it snow?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Back in the kitchen, and our Man Lab pacemaker experts have informed us
0:27:21 > 0:27:25that Oz can't be subjected to the sergeant major any further.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26So, I've stepped in.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- Oz.- Yes.- I think the thing is...
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Is this the neck end?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Yes, but because it's been degutted
0:27:32 > 0:27:34it's sort of like a tube, you can shove it in either end.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38The next thing is to work out how we actually cook it and keep it moist.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I'm a bit of an old-fashioned put-bacon-over-the-top chap,
0:27:41 > 0:27:42what about you?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Yes, I am, but I think the people who've not done it before,
0:27:45 > 0:27:46there are two methods of doing this.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49One is, just turn the bird upside down and roast it in the tray,
0:27:49 > 0:27:53then turn it over later and put the bacon on but, for safety,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56you do it in the wrapped-in-foil method.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Unfortunately I sent one of our... I know.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02When you go to buy the foil for roasting your turkey,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04especially a big one for lots of people,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06you get the extra wide turkey roasting foil.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Not this sprout roasting foil
0:28:08 > 0:28:10that one of our feebleminded callow youths bought.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13But it doesn't matter we can still make it work...
0:28:13 > 0:28:14I've never seen such small foil in my life.
0:28:14 > 0:28:19Wrapping the turkey in foil means the juices will stay in the meat,
0:28:19 > 0:28:23and cooking it upside down means they will concentrate in the breast.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26- OK, turkey in, on its back. - Upside down?- Upside down.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29You realise this is an incredibly poncey chef way of doing this?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31And I would have thought you, of all people,
0:28:31 > 0:28:32would not want to do it this way.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36This is why there was a sergeant major in the original plot.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Our turkey is now going in 27 minutes and eight seconds too late.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Our guests are on their way
0:28:42 > 0:28:45and I still need to organise the festive entertainment.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48There are many sad side effects to Christmas -
0:28:48 > 0:28:51unwanted gifts, thick head, broken telly,
0:28:51 > 0:28:53remembering that your family is absolutely awful
0:28:53 > 0:28:55and, of course, getting fat.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57But not in Man Lab
0:28:57 > 0:28:59because here is the Man Lab exercise centre,
0:28:59 > 0:29:01which some of you will recognise
0:29:01 > 0:29:04as the Swiss Army bicycle from earlier in the series.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Now, what is the point of an exercise bicycle?
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Where is the incentive to pedal?
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Well, we have one because,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14tragically, the transformer in our record player has broken down
0:29:14 > 0:29:18and now the bicycle powers the music.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20So, if you stop pedalling, everybody will hate you.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Since we already resent him for his youth and wit,
0:29:23 > 0:29:25I put Rory on the bike.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28Wait for it.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Too fast.
0:29:32 > 0:29:33A bit faster.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37- # Are you hanging up... # - That's it.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43Rory, the red-faced pedaller, was doing a great job
0:29:43 > 0:29:47but I needed something grander for my guest's amusement.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51Something deeper, crisper, and certainly more even.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56Right, let's return to our attempts to make it snow.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Earlier on, Oz threw some CO2
0:29:59 > 0:30:02out of the window of a small aeroplane onto a cloud
0:30:02 > 0:30:04and we were very surprised when this didn't work.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07But the fact is that it didn't.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11A sensible man might accept defeat at this point
0:30:11 > 0:30:13but sod it, it's Christmas.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16So, filled with a festive kamikaze recklessness,
0:30:16 > 0:30:18we are going to make the job even harder
0:30:18 > 0:30:22by trying to make it snow indoors. Right over our unsuspecting guests.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28What may help us in our quest
0:30:28 > 0:30:31is a fluke discovery made by our favourite cloud seeding pioneer,
0:30:31 > 0:30:32Vincent Schaefer.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35He discovered that if he breathed into a freezer
0:30:35 > 0:30:39containing supercold dry ice, the vapour would be instantly shocked
0:30:39 > 0:30:43into becoming millions of microscopic ice crystals.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47It seemed like a good starting point.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51This is a humidifier.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55It is a device that produces, you'll see this as Sim plugs it in,
0:30:55 > 0:30:58a little stream of water vapour.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00That is vapour, it's not steam from a kettle.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03We're going to put this in the freezer
0:31:03 > 0:31:06which is running at a temperature of, what, minus 12?
0:31:06 > 0:31:08More like minus 18.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Minus 18. There's the humidifier running.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14You can just see the beginnings of our cloud forming.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Of course, a lot of people, old people especially,
0:31:16 > 0:31:19will look at the sky and go, "Eeh, it's too cold to snow."
0:31:19 > 0:31:21But that is not true.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23If anybody says that to you, you can punch them in the face.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26The Met Office says it's not true and, in any case,
0:31:26 > 0:31:28I've been to the North Pole where it's chuffing cold
0:31:28 > 0:31:30and there was snow all over the place.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33The fact is that, although we know that water freezes at nought,
0:31:33 > 0:31:36in clouds, because there is energy in the vapour,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39it sometimes needs a temperature as low as minus 40
0:31:39 > 0:31:42to remove all that energy and form the ice crystals.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44So, it's not too cold to snow in our freezer,
0:31:44 > 0:31:46if anything it may not be cold enough.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48But let's see.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Inside the polystyrene box is a block of solid CO2,
0:31:51 > 0:31:54carbon dioxide, or dry ice as it is commonly known,
0:31:54 > 0:31:56with which you will be very familiar
0:31:56 > 0:31:59if you've ever been to see Genesis or Pink Floyd.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02It's called dry ice because it can perform the remarkable trick of
0:32:02 > 0:32:04jumping straight from a solid to a gas
0:32:04 > 0:32:06without going through the liquid stage.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08It's at minus 78 degrees naturally.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12This will shock our cloud and hopefully make instant crystals form
0:32:12 > 0:32:16which would then turn into snowflakes.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Go.
0:32:20 > 0:32:24Look at that.
0:32:26 > 0:32:27It's a load of cloud.
0:32:27 > 0:32:31When it comes to making snowflakes, naturally occurring clouds
0:32:31 > 0:32:35have two big advantages over our freezer-based version.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39As even a drunken buffoon in a Gillingham scarf would have noted,
0:32:39 > 0:32:45real clouds are, A, huge and, B, they're blown around the sky.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47To help our snowflakes form,
0:32:47 > 0:32:50we need to make our captive cloud more windswept.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53So, we're going to try and effectively increase
0:32:53 > 0:32:56the distance they move, inside here, with this small fan
0:32:56 > 0:32:58which will create very turbulent conditions
0:32:58 > 0:33:01inside the freezer compartment.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04That's brilliant, I don't know what it's doing.
0:33:04 > 0:33:05Look at our cloud.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08As the temperature plunges past minus 40,
0:33:08 > 0:33:10our cloud makes it difficult to see what's going on.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14But then, like a small boy looking out of the window
0:33:14 > 0:33:17on Christmas morning, Sim makes an exciting discovery.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20I can see snow. Look.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23He's right. Look at this, look at this.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26There's snow on the fan.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Can you see that snow?
0:33:28 > 0:33:32The fan has now frozen up and stopped although,
0:33:32 > 0:33:34we do have, in front of it,
0:33:34 > 0:33:37a small patch of what might be considered snow
0:33:37 > 0:33:41but that we suspect is actually frost.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44We'll just show you the fan.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Is it snow?
0:33:46 > 0:33:50Yeah, I think that's sort of snow. It certainly white, fluffy and cold
0:33:50 > 0:33:54but does it pass the internationally recognised standard test?
0:33:54 > 0:33:57I'll throw it at Sim and see. Does this feel like a snowball?
0:33:57 > 0:34:00- No.- Baubles.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02So, we do have to think about this a bit harder,
0:34:02 > 0:34:03but that's a beginning.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06It's cold and it's white and it's on the floor.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10The results are inconclusive and, considering we've only made enough
0:34:10 > 0:34:12for a scale model of Richard Hammond,
0:34:12 > 0:34:15we will have to improve our methods of production
0:34:15 > 0:34:19if we're to astound our dinner guests with a real indoor snowfall.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21There you go, doesn't turkey time fly
0:34:21 > 0:34:23when you're having fun with popular science?
0:34:23 > 0:34:25I'm off back to the kitchen.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Now the carrot and, I suspect, an argument.
0:34:32 > 0:34:37In fact, I'm so confident of this being an argument that,
0:34:37 > 0:34:42I have added the argument to our scheme in turkey time.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44We've got 15 minutes for it.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47Anyway, peeling a carrot, rather like the parsnip,
0:34:47 > 0:34:50I find it works better if you just wet it slightly
0:34:50 > 0:34:51and then the blade...
0:34:51 > 0:34:55- You don't have to peel it.- What? Yes, you do.- You honestly don't...
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Modern carrots, you do not have to peel, you just rub them.
0:34:57 > 0:35:01- Modern carrots. - That's a modern carrot.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03It's a carrot.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05There is a school of thought that says,
0:35:05 > 0:35:07I'll divide this in half and show you what I mean,
0:35:07 > 0:35:10that you should cut them into what people like to call baton,
0:35:10 > 0:35:13i.e. lengthways, like that.
0:35:13 > 0:35:17That is considered the posh way to cut a carrot.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19But, after many years of experimentation,
0:35:19 > 0:35:22I have decided that the school dinner lady way,
0:35:22 > 0:35:25which is to cut them into circles, like so,
0:35:25 > 0:35:27actually makes for a better tasting carrot.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30And the only reason I can... wait for it.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33The only reason I can think of for that is, if you cut them into
0:35:33 > 0:35:37a circle you get a better ratio of surface area to volume.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39So they cook quickly which is nice
0:35:39 > 0:35:41if you like rather undercooked vegetables, as I do,
0:35:41 > 0:35:43which you don't necessarily... Wait!
0:35:43 > 0:35:46Which you don't necessarily get if you cut them up into batons.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49I know it is considered posh and it makes you a member
0:35:49 > 0:35:52of the middle classes, but what are we interested in?
0:35:52 > 0:35:57Outmoded Victorian contraventions or carrots that taste nice. Go.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59You are absolutely full of it, James,
0:35:59 > 0:36:01it is nothing to do with middle-class things.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03- It is.- It is nothing to do with calling it a baton.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06The carrot's flavour changes like that, not across.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09There you have got a much different flavour from there.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12That's a more intense flavour there, that's a sweeter flavour there.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16If you do it lengthways, like that, through one enjoyable moment
0:36:16 > 0:36:18of chopping your carrot up on the plate,
0:36:18 > 0:36:20you get two or three different flavours.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Not your way. Also, I think...
0:36:23 > 0:36:26I'm going to have to disagree with you there.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29Meanwhile, our guests have arrived and they're bored.
0:36:29 > 0:36:37# Please, Daddy Don't get drunk this Christmas
0:36:37 > 0:36:42# I don't want to see my Mama cry. #
0:36:44 > 0:36:47I don't believe the sugars will caramelise at the temperature
0:36:47 > 0:36:50- of steam which is how we'll cook... - All right...
0:36:50 > 0:36:51You two fairies, stop arguing,
0:36:51 > 0:36:54just chop the bleeding things up, all right, just hack 'em up.
0:36:54 > 0:36:55- You haven't got a preference.- No,
0:36:55 > 0:36:58I'll show you what the preference is, boy.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Out of the way, simple, innit? You've wasted all that time.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03- You've done both.- Don't make no never mind, do it?
0:37:03 > 0:37:04What the hell's that?
0:37:04 > 0:37:07- That's really ugly.- It goes down your Gilbert, innit, hey?
0:37:07 > 0:37:10Whilst Oz and I try to work what your Gilbert is
0:37:10 > 0:37:12and why you'd want to stuff carrots into it,
0:37:12 > 0:37:15our guests are still far from merry.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Oz, though, has come up with a solution
0:37:17 > 0:37:19that also gets around the rule
0:37:19 > 0:37:21that says he can't touch a drop until dinner.
0:37:21 > 0:37:22Right, this is good.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25This is a new invention and it gives you all the pleasure of drinking
0:37:25 > 0:37:28without the irritating business of having to drink
0:37:28 > 0:37:31and it's called the Whisky Cloud Of Peace.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35Now, although this might get you round the sergeant major, please
0:37:35 > 0:37:39bear in mind that this idea has come from a man dressed like a smurf.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41You've got a plastic bottle like this
0:37:41 > 0:37:43and you've got a bottle of whisky.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46You put a tiny bit of whisky in here, I mean really half a tot.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50That's probably too much, in fact.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Well, not too much, OK, now, shove that in here,
0:37:53 > 0:37:55drop that in there, like that, and now you've got the foot pump,
0:37:55 > 0:37:57let's go.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00I feel a bit bad. The constant bullying by the sergeant major
0:38:00 > 0:38:02has clearly destroyed Oz's mind.
0:38:02 > 0:38:06The seal at the top is holding this in. Look at what happens now.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Wow.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11So, it's the sudden catastrophic drop in pressure makes a bit
0:38:11 > 0:38:13of the whisky evaporate, effectively, it boils.
0:38:13 > 0:38:18Yeah. Whoosh it, take a...breathe in, breathe in.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Ding dong merrily on high.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22What do you feel like?
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Umm, that's good.
0:38:24 > 0:38:25It's not bad, is it?
0:38:25 > 0:38:27But what would the guests think?
0:38:27 > 0:38:28Are you ready, are you ready?
0:38:28 > 0:38:29Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Merry Christmas.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33And...
0:38:36 > 0:38:40Before we took Oz's brainchild on to Dragon's Den,
0:38:40 > 0:38:42we thought we should give the Department Of Health a quick ring.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44The nice lady on the telephone told us,
0:38:44 > 0:38:48"The Department Of Health does not endorse this product and
0:38:48 > 0:38:51"we don't recommend the use of such a device because of a lack
0:38:51 > 0:38:55"of evidence about the health effects of inhaling alcohol."
0:38:55 > 0:38:57There, we've told you.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00But there's still something nagging at the back of my mind
0:39:00 > 0:39:02like a troublesome brain elf.
0:39:02 > 0:39:03Where's our snow?
0:39:08 > 0:39:13With our guests tranquillised by Oz's ghost of Christmas spirit
0:39:13 > 0:39:18I sneak away with Simmy and Sam for snow making attempt number three.
0:39:18 > 0:39:19Never before in the Man Lab
0:39:19 > 0:39:23have we been so continually thwarted in an endeavour.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26It's going to take two pairs of glasses.
0:39:26 > 0:39:31What we decided we needed was a much harsher shock to our water vapour.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35So, Simmy has got this cardboard tube and nailed it together.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37What is it? Simmy and Sam.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Right, we've got a cardboard tube
0:39:39 > 0:39:41and we've put in a copper coil in here.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44- Which will run our vessel of nitrogen.- Right.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47We'll have liquid nitrogen coming into the coil
0:39:47 > 0:39:50and it will come out of those little holes
0:39:50 > 0:39:53that will give us our extreme cold environment.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56How cold? Minus 200 and something?
0:39:56 > 0:40:00- Just under 200 degrees, I think, 196.- Right.
0:40:00 > 0:40:04Then, this represents our mist in our cloud.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06That is just water?
0:40:06 > 0:40:11Water and a bit of compressed air just to get it out and atomise it.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13That will go into our supercool environment.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Hopefully we'll get few crystals forming.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18So, snow will fall out of the bottom of the cardboard tube.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21Basically, yes, it is not very high tech, I admit.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Most of the best things are not.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Before we start the attempt
0:40:25 > 0:40:28it's worth seeing just how cold liquid nitrogen is.
0:40:28 > 0:40:32I've put these gloves on because it is, obviously, minus 200
0:40:32 > 0:40:36and it would hurt if you've got even a splash of it on your fingers.
0:40:36 > 0:40:41- Shall we have a look and see what temperature it is?- Yes.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46Flower in.
0:40:49 > 0:40:53Flower out.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59That's cold.
0:40:59 > 0:41:03If we can't create snow with this, then I'm Father Christmas.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05OK, we'll ask Roy, the nitrogen expert,
0:41:05 > 0:41:09to come and turn on the nitrogen supply for us.
0:41:16 > 0:41:21Minus 66, minus 70, minus 74. Look at this.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24Shall we introduce a little bit of moisture and see what happens?
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Yeah, go on. Not too much, though.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35Well, shall we see what we've got?
0:41:35 > 0:41:39Yeah. Roy, can you back it off a bit.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43And just look at that.
0:41:43 > 0:41:44It's hopeless.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47It's harder than it looks, this, isn't it?
0:41:47 > 0:41:49If I looked out of the window and saw that,
0:41:49 > 0:41:51I wouldn't say, "Ooh, it's snowing."
0:41:51 > 0:41:56The point about clouds is that cloud droplets are not water droplets
0:41:56 > 0:41:59like this, they're microscopic really.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03These are actually quite big blobs of water that we've got going in.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06- You want something...- Really fine.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08That can barely fall to Earth, it's so fine.
0:42:08 > 0:42:12Absolutely, yeah. It's quite hard to mimic that.
0:42:12 > 0:42:17In desperation, we try using the Man Lab kettle.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Seeing any snow yet?
0:42:19 > 0:42:21But to no avail.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23I think you can turn it off, Roy.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26- OK.- Thanks.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28But as we contemplate total defeat,
0:42:28 > 0:42:32there's a possible solution staring me in the face.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36The thing is, snow of sorts does fall.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39That's snow.
0:42:39 > 0:42:43If there was just a way of blowing that off into a big flurry.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46I mean because there's moisture in the air anyway,
0:42:46 > 0:42:47that's why that's like that.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50Well, don't forget the stuff that is settling on there,
0:42:50 > 0:42:51we can't even see as a vapour.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53Exactly, that's just from the air.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55So we don't even need to introduce anything.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57We don't have holes, we don't have liquid,
0:42:57 > 0:43:00we just have a coil which is super cooled.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02Yeah, so like a cold version of the coil
0:43:02 > 0:43:07- inside a central heating system, inside the water tank.- Yeah.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10But the opposite because it's got nitrogen going through it.
0:43:10 > 0:43:14You need it to freeze on the pipe but not stick to the pipe.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16A basic system that freezes
0:43:16 > 0:43:20nothing more than fresh air is simplicity itself.
0:43:20 > 0:43:22And that immediately makes us
0:43:22 > 0:43:24seasoned Man Labbers deeply suspicious.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26The thing is I can't believe
0:43:26 > 0:43:28that no-one else has ever thought of this.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31Mind you, other people don't think like Man Lab, do they?
0:43:31 > 0:43:33And that's probably just as well.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38We're now at turkey time minus 90 minutes
0:43:38 > 0:43:40and crafty tugs on his whisky cloud
0:43:40 > 0:43:43clearly haven't affected Oz in the slightest.
0:43:43 > 0:43:47Whoops. Chuck those back in there. James isn't looking.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50What you're trying to do is roughen up the surface
0:43:50 > 0:43:53so that when you actually put them in the goose fat and
0:43:53 > 0:43:55put goose fat in the roasting tin,
0:43:55 > 0:43:59they just... Whoops... They suck up all that fat.
0:43:59 > 0:44:02Despite being a hazard to both himself and our dinner,
0:44:02 > 0:44:05Oz manages to smother the pre-boiled spuds with goose fat and rosemary
0:44:05 > 0:44:10and is now ready to take the turkey out to rest.
0:44:10 > 0:44:13Meanwhile, our guests are being kept entertained
0:44:13 > 0:44:17by a giant party popper that Sim has cooked up.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20But there's still something missing from the table.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23The Christmas cracker was invented
0:44:23 > 0:44:26in 1846 by a deluded baker called Thomas Smith.
0:44:26 > 0:44:28And since then we've had to endure
0:44:28 > 0:44:31over a century-and-a-half of cracking disappointment.
0:44:31 > 0:44:35Here is a Christmas cracker and it's rubbish, really.
0:44:35 > 0:44:38You get a pathetic phut, you get a paper hat that would barely fit
0:44:38 > 0:44:41on the head of the five-year-old Chinese child who made it.
0:44:41 > 0:44:46You get a stupid novelty such as this pack of three cards, that
0:44:46 > 0:44:48will be landfill within 48 hours,
0:44:48 > 0:44:52and then you get a joke that wasn't even funny in 1954.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54We can do better.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57Yes, this sad menagerie of crap hat,
0:44:57 > 0:45:01tired joke and inexplicable combined comb and ruler toy
0:45:01 > 0:45:05is scraping the very bottom of a barrel of laughs.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08First, in keeping with our theme of blowing things up this Christmas,
0:45:08 > 0:45:10we're starting with the bang.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13The charge contains 40 milligrams of high explosive
0:45:13 > 0:45:17but it's a very small amount so it will destroy the cracker.
0:45:17 > 0:45:20- It's a small bullet hit.- I know why it's called a bullet hit.
0:45:20 > 0:45:23It's because in war films, they put these under people's clothing
0:45:23 > 0:45:25and it explodes with a little blood pad
0:45:25 > 0:45:27to make it look like you've been hit by a bullet.
0:45:27 > 0:45:31- Yeah, essentially it's a squib. - A squib?
0:45:31 > 0:45:33Yeah, that's the other alternative going for it.
0:45:33 > 0:45:36I don't actually want to blow the guests up. I'm quite happy to...
0:45:36 > 0:45:38This is it.
0:45:38 > 0:45:40Give them a mild shock. So that's a pull switch.
0:45:40 > 0:45:44When you pull that out, it completes the circuit with that battery there.
0:45:44 > 0:45:45Yes.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47And these wires trigger the charge.
0:45:47 > 0:45:48Yes.
0:45:48 > 0:45:49And you've not tested it yet.
0:45:49 > 0:45:52Let's try it. Martin, would you arm?
0:45:52 > 0:45:56So, if you two pull it and I stand here, I'll be OK?
0:45:56 > 0:45:59I would stand a few steps back.
0:45:59 > 0:46:01OK.
0:46:01 > 0:46:05- You've got the switch end?- Yeah. OK.
0:46:05 > 0:46:08OK.
0:46:12 > 0:46:13And there you go.
0:46:13 > 0:46:14That's pretty cool.
0:46:14 > 0:46:17Now, that our guests' ears are leaking blood,
0:46:17 > 0:46:20we'll give them a really nice hat to wear.
0:46:20 > 0:46:24Each of our guests will receive, in their cracker, instructions
0:46:24 > 0:46:27for how to make a hat and then, from a pile of paper,
0:46:27 > 0:46:30they'll be able to produce something
0:46:30 > 0:46:33like, for example, this Samurai warrior's hat.
0:46:33 > 0:46:38And I have to say, it's better, isn't it?
0:46:38 > 0:46:41We decide to improve the traditionally awful
0:46:41 > 0:46:45Christmas cracker jokes by getting rid of them altogether.
0:46:45 > 0:46:48This left us free to apply all our creativity
0:46:48 > 0:46:50to the most disappointing bit of a cracker, the gift.
0:46:50 > 0:46:53Rather than spread universal gift ennui with our crackers,
0:46:53 > 0:46:57we've decided to add an element of jeopardy.
0:46:57 > 0:47:00We've invented something called Cracker Roulette.
0:47:00 > 0:47:04All of our crackers look exactly the same
0:47:04 > 0:47:07and each of our ten guests will have to select one at random.
0:47:07 > 0:47:12But here's the thing, one of them will contain this.
0:47:12 > 0:47:17It's £500 in tightly bundled crisp used notes,
0:47:17 > 0:47:23but other crackers may contain something not quite as desirable.
0:47:23 > 0:47:26Aargh.
0:47:26 > 0:47:28Oz, the train.
0:47:30 > 0:47:32The 7.48 from a dark corner
0:47:32 > 0:47:36of the Man Lab imagination races to the table.
0:47:36 > 0:47:38Who's first?
0:47:38 > 0:47:40It's Rebecca.
0:47:40 > 0:47:43When you have dared to take a cracker,
0:47:43 > 0:47:46step over here to the window.
0:47:46 > 0:47:48Put on the glove.
0:47:49 > 0:47:54Holding your cracker, offer it to the hand.
0:47:54 > 0:47:57It will pull the cracker with you
0:47:57 > 0:47:59and your mystery surprise will fall out here
0:47:59 > 0:48:01for us all to see and laugh.
0:48:02 > 0:48:08Oh you've got one on your neck, you've got one on your neck.
0:48:08 > 0:48:11Next up, Doctor Ben.
0:48:20 > 0:48:23I've got an inheritance tax account form to fill in.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30You let down.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33The sergeant major gets even more cranky.
0:48:36 > 0:48:38Yes, please, hand.
0:48:57 > 0:49:01You lucky wine expert.
0:49:01 > 0:49:03Clarke, that was my cracker.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08- I'm off.- You've left 20 quid behind.
0:49:15 > 0:49:17Remove the turkey.
0:49:17 > 0:49:19Anything you say, boss, here we go.
0:49:19 > 0:49:21Back to the roast and Oz's victory at crackers
0:49:21 > 0:49:25is quickly tempered by the threat of 50 push-ups
0:49:25 > 0:49:27unless he makes some gravy.
0:49:27 > 0:49:32There's a great basin in there, a great basin of lovely, lovely juice
0:49:32 > 0:49:35and that's the heart of the gravy.
0:49:35 > 0:49:37I'm going to shove that in as well
0:49:37 > 0:49:40because potato water adds starch and it also adds flavour.
0:49:40 > 0:49:44Look sharp, stir faster.
0:49:44 > 0:49:46Stir faster.
0:49:46 > 0:49:47As Oz stirs for his life,
0:49:47 > 0:49:50Simmy makes his excuses and leaves the table
0:49:50 > 0:49:54for a final attempt to bring a white Christmas to the Man Lab.
0:49:54 > 0:49:59We have a stainless steel tube, acting as a big heat exchanger,
0:49:59 > 0:50:02which is not doing too much at the moment
0:50:02 > 0:50:04but if I introduce the liquid nitrogen,
0:50:04 > 0:50:10you will see the moisture on the outside, around me,
0:50:10 > 0:50:13is being sucked into the freezer
0:50:13 > 0:50:17and freezing in the very cold environment we have here.
0:50:17 > 0:50:20And we'll just keep a constant stream of liquid nitrogen
0:50:20 > 0:50:23coming through the whole thing cos we're introducing outside air
0:50:23 > 0:50:27to cool on to our little heat exchanger.
0:50:27 > 0:50:32And you can already see it now building up,
0:50:32 > 0:50:34what I would call snow.
0:50:37 > 0:50:39It looks like snow,
0:50:39 > 0:50:41tastes like snow.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43It's quite pleasant really.
0:50:43 > 0:50:48At last, after failure in the air and on the ground,
0:50:48 > 0:50:51the simple act of fresh air coming into contact
0:50:51 > 0:50:54with a super chilled surface seems to have paid off.
0:50:54 > 0:50:58The only question is can Sim make enough of the damn stuff
0:50:58 > 0:51:00for a whole snowstorm?
0:51:06 > 0:51:09Right, carving turkey.
0:51:09 > 0:51:11There are lots of theories about how to do this.
0:51:11 > 0:51:13The Americans think you should cut it in half
0:51:13 > 0:51:15and then chop the breast one way.
0:51:15 > 0:51:18Others think you should take the legs off before you cook it.
0:51:18 > 0:51:19I'll show you how I do it.
0:51:19 > 0:51:21First make sure the knife is sharp,
0:51:21 > 0:51:23using Oz's grandmother's sharpening steel.
0:51:23 > 0:51:28If you keep your knife in good condition a few strokes downhill,
0:51:28 > 0:51:32like that, should put the edge back on, which it has done.
0:51:32 > 0:51:33I believe in using a pointy knife,
0:51:33 > 0:51:38for reasons I'll show you in a minute.
0:51:38 > 0:51:41That was Oz's grandmother's ancestral sharpening steel.
0:51:41 > 0:51:44This is my ancestral grandmother's carving fork.
0:51:44 > 0:51:47It might be my great-grandmother's, we're not absolutely sure.
0:51:47 > 0:51:50First of all, remove the leg.
0:51:50 > 0:51:53Simply slice down there, you'll find where the joint is.
0:51:56 > 0:51:58Well, of course, I say that
0:51:58 > 0:52:02and it's never that easy when it's a real big 'un, is it?
0:52:02 > 0:52:04Where is it, Oz? It's got no joints.
0:52:04 > 0:52:07I'm just waiting for you to find it.
0:52:07 > 0:52:09You know, you find it, you're the expert.
0:52:09 > 0:52:10It has no leg joint.
0:52:12 > 0:52:14Is that...you can... it's all falling.
0:52:14 > 0:52:15Oh, God, it's beautifully cooked.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17- Where's it gone? - It's somewhere in there,
0:52:17 > 0:52:20you can see it waggling about. Yeah, that side.
0:52:20 > 0:52:24- There you go.- God, you'd be absolutely useless as a surgeon.
0:52:24 > 0:52:26Yes. I'm putting that on one side.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28We will have that in a moment.
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Now, there are various theories
0:52:30 > 0:52:34about removing the wishbone and so on which I never bother with.
0:52:34 > 0:52:38I think with a big turkey like this, you can treat it almost like a cube,
0:52:38 > 0:52:41certainly like a pyramid.
0:52:41 > 0:52:45Sharp knife, fork in, slice.
0:52:45 > 0:52:47We want nice, elegant, thin slices.
0:52:47 > 0:52:49And the reason you have a pointy blade
0:52:49 > 0:52:52is so that you can get down into the corners, round the ribcage.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55See, there's a lovely slice of turkey.
0:52:55 > 0:52:57Next one, see down there, point of the knife,
0:52:57 > 0:53:00clean slice of turkey, nice and thin.
0:53:00 > 0:53:03That bit fell off, what a shame.
0:53:03 > 0:53:06Cook's piece. Hot.
0:53:06 > 0:53:09Against the odds, and to some extent the Oz,
0:53:09 > 0:53:13our army inspired turkey timetable has worked wonders.
0:53:13 > 0:53:17As the last few seconds of turkey time tick away
0:53:17 > 0:53:21and zero hour is upon us, so is our feast.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23Hey, and because our plan has worked
0:53:23 > 0:53:26and it's all gone according to plan, we are ready.
0:53:26 > 0:53:28Lovely, boys.
0:53:32 > 0:53:33Turkey time.
0:53:33 > 0:53:36Using the meticulous turkey timetable, the throbbing temple vein
0:53:36 > 0:53:39of our socially-maladjusted sergeant major,
0:53:39 > 0:53:42and the sheer sense of determination coursing through our festive bones,
0:53:42 > 0:53:46Oz has ridden the gravy train to complete success.
0:53:46 > 0:53:50# Here it is, Merry Christmas
0:53:50 > 0:53:54# Everybody's having fun
0:53:54 > 0:54:01# Look to the future now it's only just begun. #
0:54:01 > 0:54:05But it's not over just yet. There's still that other thing to finish.
0:54:12 > 0:54:16Good, if you can just entertain yourselves for a bit,
0:54:16 > 0:54:20Sim and I have to go and just sort a few things out.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23Right, where have we got to?
0:54:23 > 0:54:27James, this is about number four or five prototype.
0:54:27 > 0:54:31We've tried coils, we've tried liquid nitrogen through...
0:54:31 > 0:54:33- Humidifier.- Oh, everything, everything.
0:54:33 > 0:54:37- So this has got coiled tube, nitrogen and freezer combined?- Yes.
0:54:37 > 0:54:40The whole point of this, of course, is to surprise our guests.
0:54:40 > 0:54:43They have been surprised by cracker roulette and the maggots
0:54:43 > 0:54:47and the 500 quid but, as they digest their food in August,
0:54:47 > 0:54:51thinking, "Well this is reasonably Christmassy, I suppose,"
0:54:51 > 0:54:55there will be a flurry of snow and the illusion will be complete.
0:54:55 > 0:55:00- Isn't that right?- Yes.- Good, right, let's do it.
0:55:00 > 0:55:04It was time to collect the last priceless snowy scrapings.
0:55:04 > 0:55:06Muffy, puffy snow.
0:55:06 > 0:55:10Before Sim powered up the trusty tinsel cannon
0:55:10 > 0:55:12for our freezing festive finale.
0:55:12 > 0:55:15Here we go. Throttle back a bit.
0:55:35 > 0:55:39Whichever way you look at it, that is snow.
0:55:39 > 0:55:41I defy you to argue that that isn't snow.
0:55:41 > 0:55:43Look at the definition, look at it under a microscope,
0:55:43 > 0:55:47put it on the Christmas card, ask people to ski on it,
0:55:47 > 0:55:50ask Bing Crosby to sing about it, it's snow.
0:55:59 > 0:56:03We've run out of snow. I thought there'd be loads.
0:56:03 > 0:56:05- Is that it?- That's it but...
0:56:05 > 0:56:08You're kidding. But... Hang on, but that's a week of work
0:56:08 > 0:56:11and about £5,000 worth of liquid nitrogen.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13We've got the equivalent of a Chinese takeaway?
0:56:13 > 0:56:16What else can we fire? Have we got any...?
0:56:16 > 0:56:18- Look, I know.- Feathers.
0:56:18 > 0:56:20Bit of a banker.
0:56:20 > 0:56:24Where the hell did you... how did you do that? What is it?
0:56:24 > 0:56:26It's the kind of superabsorbent polymer
0:56:26 > 0:56:27that you get in babies' nappies.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30Fake snow then.
0:56:30 > 0:56:31Feed it in.
0:56:31 > 0:56:36This might be the first nappy bombardment in human history,
0:56:36 > 0:56:40and we might have caved in slightly on our no-fake-snow policy,
0:56:40 > 0:56:44but luckily they're all too whisky clouded to care.
0:56:44 > 0:56:49And anyway, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a bit of a bodge.
0:56:51 > 0:56:54And so, with our Christmas dinner descending into good natured chaos,
0:56:54 > 0:56:57we could rest safe in the knowledge that,
0:56:57 > 0:56:58through invention and industry,
0:56:58 > 0:57:02we had brought forth Christmas cheer for one and all...
0:57:02 > 0:57:04in August.
0:57:04 > 0:57:07Something I've been looking for since I was a teenager,
0:57:07 > 0:57:11a white Christmas, and there it is, through our own efforts.
0:57:11 > 0:57:16Christmas, though, is not just about trivial things like snow.
0:57:16 > 0:57:18Let us think what it's actually about.
0:57:18 > 0:57:22It is, we're told, a time of goodwill to all men,
0:57:22 > 0:57:24and that's a wonderful thing.
0:57:24 > 0:57:29Old animosities are cast aside as we join in communal revelry.
0:57:29 > 0:57:34Wars stopped for a game of football, all that kind of stuff.
0:57:36 > 0:57:40But hang on a minute, why is Christmas the time of goodwill?
0:57:40 > 0:57:44Why do we imagine that we can discharge our duty of decency
0:57:44 > 0:57:47to our fellow human beings for a week or two in December
0:57:47 > 0:57:49and then forget about it?
0:57:49 > 0:57:53Surely the message coming out of that rude scene in the manger
0:57:53 > 0:57:57with the witless ass in attendance and the poor shepherds
0:57:57 > 0:58:02and the gold laden Magi looking on together as equals,
0:58:02 > 0:58:05is that goodwill is a 24/7 requirement.
0:58:05 > 0:58:08And it doesn't matter if you're not actually a Christian,
0:58:08 > 0:58:12the nativity has given us a simple potent symbol
0:58:12 > 0:58:15that all people can embrace as their own.
0:58:15 > 0:58:21A star, a permanent light in the deathly darkness of the night sky,
0:58:21 > 0:58:25leading all of humankind out of its mortal dread
0:58:25 > 0:58:31towards peace, harmony and salvation.
0:58:41 > 0:58:43A Merry Christmas, one and all.
0:58:54 > 0:58:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:57 > 0:59:00E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:59:09 > 0:59:11A strange light in the garden.
0:59:11 > 0:59:13It doesn't quite work for me as a symbol.