0:00:02 > 0:00:04Hello, and welcome to Man Lab,
0:00:04 > 0:00:07where the callused hand of the reconstructed male
0:00:07 > 0:00:10tugs resolutely at the starting handle
0:00:10 > 0:00:12of the chainsaw of achievement.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35'Coming up - rock stars. Is it ever too late to become one,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38'even if you're now a 40-year-old accountant?'
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Scream for me, High Voltage!
0:00:40 > 0:00:43CROWD ROARS
0:00:43 > 0:00:44'We grind a different kind of axe
0:00:44 > 0:00:47'making our own sustainable bog roll.'
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Timber-r-r!
0:00:50 > 0:00:54'And the undead give us a hard time, as we go ghost-busting.'
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Something very odd going on in here, and that's not a joke.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04More of that later on in the programme.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08But first, one of the highlights of Man Lab Series One
0:01:08 > 0:01:11was our groundbreaking bog roll alarm system,
0:01:11 > 0:01:15which sounded a massive klaxon if anyone in the khazi
0:01:15 > 0:01:18so much as lowered the seat when there was no paper left,
0:01:18 > 0:01:20and then we could send in fresh supplies
0:01:20 > 0:01:24using the Man Lab integrated railway transport solution.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26ALARM RINGS
0:01:26 > 0:01:29And already it's happened again, you see.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Will, our executive producer, is on the throne
0:01:31 > 0:01:33and the alarm has gone off.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Unfortunately, this time we don't actually have
0:01:37 > 0:01:39any bog roll left to send him.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Now obviously we could just go down to the shops and buy some more,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46but where's the skill in that?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49This is an 80-year-old willow tree.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53The history of the willow tree is heavy with magic and mysticism.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56The ancient Japanese people of the island of Hokkaido,
0:01:56 > 0:02:00for example, believed this was their ancestor tree
0:02:00 > 0:02:03and that the human backbone was made of willow.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Elsewhere, the Aztecs prayed to the in-dwelling spirits
0:02:07 > 0:02:11of the willow tree in the belief they would protect them from storms.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14We, though, are going to wipe our backsides on it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Not in its current form, obviously. That would be a bit scratchy.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Now let me stress that this old willow is storm-damaged,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30rotten, and must be cut down anyway.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Please don't write in demanding an explanation
0:02:32 > 0:02:34with a self-addressed envelope,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38because that would be a waste of paper.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40We're very fortunate here because our tree
0:02:40 > 0:02:42is in the middle of a field,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45but you might have to do this in a small garden.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49What we're going to do is show you proper lumberjacking techniques
0:02:49 > 0:02:53to ensure that the tree falls in a designated triangle of safety,
0:02:53 > 0:02:57which in our case is something like that.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59'To show you how confident we are of this,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02'we asked Will to stand right on the edge
0:03:02 > 0:03:05'of the danger zone. But he was otherwise engaged.'
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Hello!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08'A pity.'
0:03:08 > 0:03:11He's cut out for this sort of thing.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13So first step, cut off the secondary branches
0:03:13 > 0:03:16on the side that the tree is going to fall on.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19This will stop it bouncing off the ground into your face.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Right, tree-felling basics.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25First we go to the side of the tree facing the direction
0:03:25 > 0:03:29in which we want it to fall, and we make a cut using the two-handed saw,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33through the trunk like that, about 20-30% of its thickness.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36We then take the axe and, at about 45 degrees,
0:03:36 > 0:03:40we cop into that to create what's known as the gob cut.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Then we go round to the other side of the tree to make the back cut
0:03:44 > 0:03:47with the two-handed saw again. Here, just above the line
0:03:47 > 0:03:49of the gob cut, and you will recognise
0:03:49 > 0:03:51from the physics you did at school
0:03:51 > 0:03:54that all the forces in the tree will be concentrated
0:03:54 > 0:03:56at the back of the gob. So as we cut through
0:03:56 > 0:03:58and the tree becomes ready to fall,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01it will crack and fall perpendicular to that line,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05down our triangle of safety, just missing our executive producer.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09So, with our heads and ears protected
0:04:09 > 0:04:12in case the tree suddenly explodes,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Dan and I start work on the gob cut, to silly music.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18BANJO MUSIC
0:04:28 > 0:04:30That was a bit BLEEP, wasn't it?
0:04:30 > 0:04:34'Note: antique saws are not glorious relics from a bygone age
0:04:34 > 0:04:37'of olde worlde craftsmanship. They're just crap.'
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Rhythm is very important with this, as it is with most things in life.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48If I push instead of letting Dan pull, it will buckle in the middle,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50jam or possibly snap
0:04:50 > 0:04:54or you can get a sine wave travelling
0:04:54 > 0:04:57down through the saw which will then smack Dan in the teeth.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59'The problem with sticking
0:04:59 > 0:05:01'to traditional methods is it takes about five hours
0:05:01 > 0:05:03'just to make the first cut.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06'But, on the other hand, it does mean you can break out
0:05:06 > 0:05:10'one of the first tools devised by primitive man - the axe.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15'I'm using it to widen up the cut we made with the saw
0:05:15 > 0:05:17'to create our wedge-shaped gob cut.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21'Again, this turns out to be a long and exhausting process,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24'and after another hour, I've barely made a dent.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26'That's why more enlightened man
0:05:26 > 0:05:29'invented the petrol-driven chainsaw,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33'demonstrated here by Darren, our off-camera tree-felling expert.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41'I felt slightly enfeebled by my poor showing with the axe,
0:05:41 > 0:05:45'So Dan and I continued with ye olde methods, making the back cut.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49'I then began to suspect that with our checked shirts, boots,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52'and safety hats, we were being set up for a cheap gag.'
0:05:52 > 0:05:56This has no relation at all to the disco scene
0:05:56 > 0:05:58in parts of New York in the 1970s.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Better.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04CREAKING
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Oh, what was that? - Sounded like a big creak.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Keep going.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11CREAKING
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Oh, hang on.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Go behind it.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Here we go! Timber-r-r!
0:06:19 > 0:06:20James, go that way.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Hold on.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25MUSIC: "YMCA" by The Village People
0:06:27 > 0:06:28CREAKING AND SNAPPING
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Here we go.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Stand back! Timber!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Whoa!
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Sorry, tree.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Here we can see some of the woodlice responsible
0:06:54 > 0:06:58for causing all this rot. I bet they got a bit of a shock.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Ah! What we need to do is see if our executive producer survived.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And he did. What a rotten bit of luck.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13So this tree's life as a tree is now over.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17It's had 80 years of being part of the scenery,
0:07:17 > 0:07:21looking very beautiful as well, the loveliest of trees.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23But we now have another role for it.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Here we have everything we need to rescue Will from the khazi,
0:07:31 > 0:07:35or at least once it's passed through this convenient paper mill.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39the sawdust from our rotten willow logs in this bag.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43I also have a few other things whose usefulness would appear
0:07:43 > 0:07:47to be exhausted but which yet may rise again as part of our bog roll.
0:07:47 > 0:07:53For example, I have this pair of old jeans which I've worn out,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I have a pair of the director's jeans, which he's stopped wearing
0:07:56 > 0:07:58now that he's given up rollerblading.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02I have some flax wool
0:08:02 > 0:08:05that we found lying around the Man Lab, very useful for making paper.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08And finally, I have my paperback copy
0:08:08 > 0:08:12of my colleague Richard Hammond's really rather excellent
0:08:12 > 0:08:15autobiography, Volume 2, As You Do.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18'Along with some water, everything is going into this machine,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22'known as a Hollander beater, an elaborate mashing device
0:08:22 > 0:08:25'turning all our fibres into a nice, fluffy,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29'moist bog roll-specific pulp.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32'So, in goes the sawdust from our freshly cut willow,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34'followed by the jeans.'
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Strikes me this is an extremely good way
0:08:38 > 0:08:41of disposing of incriminating evidence,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44such as bogus accounts or e-mails that show
0:08:44 > 0:08:47you've been bribing the police or what have you.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I mean, Inspector Clouseau himself could be on the pan
0:08:50 > 0:08:54and not realise that the evidence he seeks is right next to him.
0:08:54 > 0:08:59'The old jeans begin their surreal journey from my arse to Will's.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03One more ingredient is needed. It's not soft or particularly strong,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05but it's definitely a bit on the long side.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Rather than put Richard Hammond's oeuvre in wholesale,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I thought it would be rather more dignified
0:09:11 > 0:09:13to make it into a series of paper boats
0:09:13 > 0:09:15containing some of the best bits.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18This is the one where he rescues his neighbour.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26"The scissors gleamed in my hand.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29"The taut ribbon seemed to call me forward.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"I knew that all I had to do was cut one with the other
0:09:32 > 0:09:35"and I'd be driving home in a new 911."
0:09:40 > 0:09:44As a famous diarist once said, I think it may have been
0:09:44 > 0:09:47someone like Oscar Wilde or George Bernard Shaw,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"Dear Mr Hammond, I have your book in front of me.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52"Soon I will have it behind me."
0:09:52 > 0:09:57'Let us not forget that this is being done for those in peril
0:09:57 > 0:09:59'on the cludgie. In particular Will, back at Man Lab.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02'This is vital bog roll production work,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05'a reserved occupation in times of war.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07'We're not mucking about.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10'As the last scraps of Hammond's magnum opus
0:10:10 > 0:10:14'slip into the slurry depths, our pulp is just about ready.'
0:10:14 > 0:10:16There it goes.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Now time for stage two of Operation Bogbuster.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Here is our completed pulp mixture,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27or, as it's known in the trade, the stuff,
0:10:27 > 0:10:31and to make the stuff into paper we use this thing,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34which is the mould and the deckle.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Now, there's a knack to this and I've never done it.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Drop it in, give it a slight swirl,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45then try and bring it up as level as possible,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47give it a shake.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Then you transfer it over to this device over here.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Place that on there. It's an evacuator.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00It's linked to what is really not much more
0:11:00 > 0:11:03than a domestic vacuum cleaner.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05That's sucking the water out.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Press down to make sure there's a good seal around the edge.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12It's a bit lumpy, but let's not worry about that.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Obviously if you were making bog roll in a big mechanised factory,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19you'd make a great big continuous roll and then cut it up,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21but we're making it by the artisanal method.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23So we're making squares of bog roll.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Later we'll worry about joining it together, perforating it,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29cutting it to the right width and so on.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30This is the good bit, so watch.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33This frame around the edge is known as the deckle
0:11:33 > 0:11:36and when we lift it off, ha-ha!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Look at that.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40And then...
0:11:48 > 0:11:51..we are now going to couche this sheet of paper.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It's an old papermaker's term.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56It actually derives from the French word "coucher"
0:11:56 > 0:11:59meaning, presumably, to lie down or even sleep.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Hence the song "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Would you like to come and make some rustic artisanal paper
0:12:05 > 0:12:06with me this evening?
0:12:06 > 0:12:11How they got a reputation for being great lovers is beyond me.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14There's a bit of a knack to this,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16so, roll it on,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19give it a bit of a press...
0:12:20 > 0:12:23..and roll it off. Ho-ho!
0:12:25 > 0:12:29I bet some of you do want to coucher avec moi ce soir after that.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Magnificent.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33'As each sheet is made, it joins the pile
0:12:33 > 0:12:36'separated by a layer of fabric for protection.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38'Then it's on to more pressing matters,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40'such as pressing with the press.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44'My paper sheets are a bit bigger than the ancient press,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47'so to distribute the pressure evenly, a sheet of wood is added,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49'followed by these mediaeval timbers.'
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Right, I think I'm ready to begin winding.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Listen to that? That's all the moisture coming out of our bog roll.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06'Despite my legendary upper body strength,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09'there's only so far I can go without an iron bar.'
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Bring out the iron bar.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Which is this, which goes in the slot
0:13:17 > 0:13:21and allows you to do a bit of proper, easy labour, pressing.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25'Making your own bog roll
0:13:25 > 0:13:27is not only ethical, it's good for you.'
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Mmm, that feels quite nice, quite yogic.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34There you go.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38That allows us even more squashing.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42'Even Hammond's dense prose is no match for the power
0:13:42 > 0:13:45'of pure physics, and soon all the moisture
0:13:45 > 0:13:49'has been squeezed out like grey juice from a big rotten lemon.'
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Here we go, then. Man Lab's first paper product.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Not quite finished but getting close.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Ho-ho!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Is that a piece of paper?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Somebody once said,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13"I have in my hand a piece of paper."
0:14:13 > 0:14:15It doesn't quite promise peace in our time,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18but it does promise a certain amount of relief for Will
0:14:18 > 0:14:21when it eventually gets to him.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23'I gather up my recycled, sustainable paper product
0:14:23 > 0:14:25'and head back to the lab.'
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Right.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32It's a bit coarse, but it'll have to do.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Look at that.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36KNOCKING
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- Will!- Please hurry!- Hang on.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42'In order to make the perforations on our bog roll,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45'Simmy has cunningly sharpened points on a pizza cutter,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48'which makes it simple to perforate along the width of the paper,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51'cut along the length, stick the pieces together
0:14:51 > 0:14:56'with - slightly inelegant but it doesn't matter really - glue stick.'
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Let's not forget, shall we,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01that what we're producing here came from a tree
0:15:01 > 0:15:06that might otherwise have been used for nothing more than a bonfire.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11This may be a little bit crude, but it is the most civilising thing
0:15:11 > 0:15:15we have ever produced in the Man Lab, or even in society as a whole.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- Bog roll - where would we be without it?- Anyone there?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20You can see where we'd be without it by reference to Will,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24who is, in fact, stuck in the khazi, and that's where we'd be,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27philosophically speaking, without this stuff.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I reckon we're almost there.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- Is that good enough? - It's pretty good. - That looks sort of like a bog roll.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38He won't want an orange, will he?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- I can't hold on much longer! - Coming through, Will.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45PA ANNOUNCEMENT: Mr Brown is in reception.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09- Thanks, guys. - There you go. What could be simpler?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Now I think I'll put a clean shirt on and then I'll reappear...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16..um, over there.
0:16:16 > 0:16:22Now, as teenagers, most of us blokes recognised there were only really two career options open to us.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25On the one hand, you could get a job.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28But on the other hand, you could be a rock star.
0:16:28 > 0:16:34One of these involved wearing a tie and making a cup of tea for Bob from Accounts.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37But the other involved frolicking with your bandmates
0:16:37 > 0:16:41in a giant swimming pool shaped like a Fender Stratocaster,
0:16:41 > 0:16:47surrounded by rock chicks reclining on sun beds made out of piles of crisp new tenners.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50But what none of us teenage dreamers realised back then
0:16:50 > 0:16:54is that it's actually really difficult to become a rock star.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58This is the famous zebra crossing outside Abbey Road studios,
0:16:58 > 0:17:01and over the last 50 years how many people have crossed here,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04believing they are heading for stardom?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07It must be tens of thousands, I reckon.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09But how many can you name for certain?
0:17:09 > 0:17:14Yep, just four. Me too.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25That is a great many broken dreams and a lot of wasted music.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28In fact, it's estimated that if all the amateur versions
0:17:28 > 0:17:34of Stairway To Heaven were played back to back, we would become very bored indeed.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37But then, as the great Paul Weller once said,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40to be someone must be a wonderful thing.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44With that in mind, we at Man Lab decided
0:17:44 > 0:17:48to reunite some of the ex-bands whose musical dreams died young,
0:17:48 > 0:17:52to give them a second shot at glory in middle age.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Out of the hundreds of failed bands who sent us their demos,
0:17:55 > 0:18:01we've selected a precious handful and invited them here to Camden's top rock toilet
0:18:01 > 0:18:04for a second chance at rock'n'roll stardom.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08This time it won't be at their sister's 15th birthday party.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13But here, on stage at High Voltage, one of Britain's biggest rock festivals,
0:18:13 > 0:18:19sharing the bill with Slash, Judas Priest and Thin Lizzy.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Our hopefuls are just motley crews of middle-aged blokes with everyday jobs.
0:18:23 > 0:18:29But for these bands of brothers, the dream never died.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Helping me sort the Led Zeppelins from the Shed Zeppelins
0:18:35 > 0:18:39are indie DJ Steve Lamacq and Victoria from the office.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43They've both got clear ideas about what makes a great band.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46You're looking for a band who will stand on a festival stage
0:18:46 > 0:18:50and make people watch them and feel like they're part of something.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54I want to be able to look at a group and not just love their tunes
0:18:54 > 0:19:00but actually quite fancy, maybe, some of the musicians and singers!
0:19:00 > 0:19:04People in the band have to really share the same ideals and ideas, I think.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09I want a nicely dressed man who I can, yeah, who's fanciable.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12They've got to feel comfortable together. That's really important.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16I'm really looking forward to seeing these, these men.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20OK, Vic, we get it. Anyway, first band up is The Waterbratz.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22They used to look like this.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25They now look like this.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29We are Waterbratz. Enjoy yourselves!
0:19:36 > 0:19:40# What's been missing from your...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42# La-la-la-life?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46# What's been missing from your
0:19:46 > 0:19:48# La-la-la-life?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51# What's been missing from your...
0:19:53 > 0:19:57# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:20:04 > 0:20:09One of you's a drama teacher, one of you's a head of PR...
0:20:09 > 0:20:13clothing store, something in IT, one's a scientist.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18- Is this a bit undignified now? - Yeah, but we don't mind!
0:20:18 > 0:20:24- I tried to do some high kicks but I thought, this is going to look silly. And it...- And it did!- It did!
0:20:24 > 0:20:29Lose marks straight away for having a "Z" at the end of their name. Waterbratz.
0:20:29 > 0:20:35Next up, an unemployed civil servant, an IT bloke, two designery types and a metal worker.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38From Buckinghamshire, Absolution.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40This is called Problem Child.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44# There goes a man who-ho...
0:20:46 > 0:20:50# You don't know the difference between bad or good
0:20:52 > 0:20:57# But it's all because you're a problem child. #
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Yeah!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08That was cock rock.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Pretty good. A lot tighter than I thought it might be.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15There was a very bad "yeah" from the lead singer
0:21:15 > 0:21:17at the end of the first song, which was...
0:21:17 > 0:21:21He obviously regretted it even before the word had come out of his mouth.
0:21:21 > 0:21:27- We've got a picture. They were really young. - Look at your man's hair!
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Third up, Love Fungus, who in true Spinal Tap fashion, can't even open the door.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Starts well!
0:21:37 > 0:21:42We're Love Fungus. This is the first we've played together in 20 years.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Come on, lads.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51# Drive away, the clouds have gathered
0:21:51 > 0:21:53# Drive away the night
0:21:53 > 0:21:57# Drive away all that is bad here, drive away the spite
0:21:57 > 0:22:01# Drive until you can't drive no more, drive into the light
0:22:01 > 0:22:05# Darkness gathered overhead, so head into the night. #
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Thank you. - I liked the songs actually.
0:22:16 > 0:22:23- But you're now a national account manager in construction. - I am, yeah!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Is that...
0:22:25 > 0:22:28You couldn't really get - forgive me for saying this -
0:22:28 > 0:22:34but you couldn't get further from rock'n'roll stardom than looking after building company accounts.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I have a Love Fungus poster that Matt drew. It's on my wall.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I walk past it every... It's on my bedroom wall.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43And there's not a day goes by when I don't think what could have happened.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47In your notes it says it was a way of getting noticed by girls.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Well, we were 17, 18 year olds.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53So you'd still have quite a lot to offer maybe a maturer woman?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Yeah. Absolutely.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00What is the exact nature of your question?!
0:23:00 > 0:23:06While we send Vic for a cold shower, two engineers, a drama teacher and a film editor take the stage.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Hello, Camden! We are The Captain Pugwash Experience
0:23:09 > 0:23:12and you're about to experience us.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16# Mrs Mangle (Mangle)...
0:23:19 > 0:23:27# Mrs Mangle (Mrs Mangle)... #
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Are you to some extent a parody?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Possibly. Yeah.
0:23:39 > 0:23:45# ..tomorrow, Mother's got her suitcase packed
0:23:45 > 0:23:50# Mother's upstairs, she's crying on her own. #
0:23:50 > 0:23:54It's a lifetime ambition and to get a shot at it at this stage of life
0:23:54 > 0:23:58when you think it's a long gone daddy, again, is wonderful.
0:23:58 > 0:24:03So your band contains three Andys and one Scott?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- Scott.- And Scott isn't here.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Yes, a couple of days ago we had an old rock'n'roll tiff at rehearsal.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- He literally stormed off. - So we are actually here witnessing a reformed band
0:24:12 > 0:24:15already in the process of breaking up?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Finally, climbing the stairs to potential superstardom,
0:24:19 > 0:24:23our last bunch of ordinary blokes, also known as The Scarey Men.
0:24:23 > 0:24:29- Go sir.- Thank you. We're The Scarey Men from Durham. This one's called Beautiful Girl.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34# You're still my beautiful girl
0:24:34 > 0:24:38# Still my beautiful girl. #
0:24:38 > 0:24:43- You're not very scary for scary men, are you really?- Thanks very much.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47You're quite sort of, what my mum would call nice lads.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52And so, we've seen all of our bands, but only one can make it through
0:24:52 > 0:24:57to the main stage at High Voltage and play to a crowd of thousands.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02After careful deliberation, we call them back in to announce our final verdict.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Right... Thank you very much for doing this.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07It's been very difficult.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12We think you should all reform. You should all play together some more.
0:25:12 > 0:25:19And you will, I think, inspire other bands in garages and pubs and other bands that have split up
0:25:19 > 0:25:23are full of regret and wish they were back together, to do just that.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25That's a great thing and a great service you've done.
0:25:25 > 0:25:31But... there can only be one band that goes forwards.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34And that band is...
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Love Fungus.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56So, Love Fungus will make the giant leap from pub to festival stage,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00despite a short intervening fallow period.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05First time we've been in a room together for 20 years, so I think after that, anything can happen now.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10- Playing a festival will be awesome. I'm going to love it. - I can't imagine what it'll be like.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- We've never done a big gig in front of a lot of people, have we? - No!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Just let everybody else hear our songs, which will be nice.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21If we get bottled off, great, and if they cheer us, even better!
0:26:21 > 0:26:26We've plucked just one band from the boulevard of broken dreams,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29and I'm beginning to wonder how Simon Cowell sleeps at night.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32What we're doing here is a good thing, of course,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36because we're getting people to play together again after 10 or 20 years, and that can't be bad.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41But at the same time it's slightly cruel because we're poking an old ghost
0:26:41 > 0:26:45with a pointy stick and then running away.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Then we leave these bands with the most dreadful thing in the human condition,
0:26:49 > 0:26:54which is the contemplation of what might have been.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I was in band once.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Coming up later, the band take the centre stage at High Voltage.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04PA ANNOUNCEMENT: Love Fungus are entering the arena!
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Thankfully, they're not feeling at all nervous about it.
0:27:11 > 0:27:18More of that later, but first the findings of the latest Man Lab survey into your irrational fears.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23And from this we learn that 23% of you are scared of spiders,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26whilst only 3% are scared of dogs.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Meanwhile, 26% are scared of "other".
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Amongst the more irrational fears here are the nuclear holocaust,
0:27:34 > 0:27:38vacuum cleaners, Darth Vader and bin juice.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41But here is the most terrifying of all our findings.
0:27:41 > 0:27:4840% of you, it seems, are scared of something that probably doesn't even exist - ghosts.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50This has got to stop.
0:27:53 > 0:28:00This is Lympne Castle in Kent, supposedly one of the most haunted places in England.
0:28:00 > 0:28:07I've come here to face up to the ghosts, and in doing so, learn how to overcome any irrational fear.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09My view on ghosts is this.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12I'm not prepared to dismiss them entirely.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Now I don't believe in the idea of tortured souls wandering the world
0:28:16 > 0:28:19wearing the chains they forged in life and all that nonsense.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22But I can accept that there may be such a thing as an apparition,
0:28:22 > 0:28:27a recording of a very significant or emotionally charged event
0:28:27 > 0:28:32left in the fabric of the world that can be replayed to certain people under certain conditions.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36And if you look at it like that, apparitions are no more remarkable
0:28:36 > 0:28:38than the television you are watching now,
0:28:38 > 0:28:42which is naught but a magic picture show with no substance whatsoever.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47Being scared of phantoms is a bit like being scared of Ant and Dec.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49And so with that in mind,
0:28:49 > 0:28:51we're proposing to spend the night at the castle,
0:28:51 > 0:28:56while I, along with Tom, the director, will wander the darkened corridors
0:28:56 > 0:29:01testing out Britain's most popular fear reduction techniques.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05Lympne castle has a history that stretches back to Roman times.
0:29:05 > 0:29:10So there should be ample opportunity to come face-to-face with a ghastly spectre.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13All we need is the right kit.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17This is Lympne castle's Great Hall, scene of much ribaldry
0:29:17 > 0:29:20and roast boars' heads over many centuries.
0:29:20 > 0:29:25And in here I'm going to install this very simple motion detector, a sort of infra-red device.
0:29:25 > 0:29:31You put the transmitter here, and over here I put the receiver.
0:29:31 > 0:29:37And then, if anything from this world or the next, or the one before us,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40comes through this room, it will simply...
0:29:40 > 0:29:44- ALARM SOUNDS - ..do that.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47That's quite unearthly actually, isn't it?
0:29:49 > 0:29:52And of course all the time we're in here
0:29:52 > 0:29:55we are being monitored along with anybody or anything else
0:29:55 > 0:30:00that is in here, by these permanently fixed cameras up on the wall there.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Right, follow me.
0:30:04 > 0:30:08There is one man who knows these corridors like no other.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12One man who laughs in the face of terror daily,
0:30:12 > 0:30:16all the while keeping the silverware at a professional polish.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Rod, the caretaker.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20So, how long have you been here, Rod?
0:30:20 > 0:30:23- Off and on, about ten years, actually.- Really?- Yeah.
0:30:23 > 0:30:28How many strange and inexplicable things have you experienced?
0:30:28 > 0:30:34- Personally, only about... three...- Such as?- ..four?
0:30:34 > 0:30:38Strange feelings. A thing catch you out the corner of your eye.
0:30:38 > 0:30:42When you see things move and think, "Is that someone just gone by there?"
0:30:42 > 0:30:45What about other people who've been here,
0:30:45 > 0:30:48cos I know you've had quite a few ghost hunters and mediums.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51- Oh, yeah, they see a lot. - What sort of thing?
0:30:51 > 0:30:57They see everything from... We've had children, housekeepers, gardeners,
0:30:57 > 0:31:01Roman soldiers, Canadian soldiers, American soldiers,
0:31:01 > 0:31:05monks, dead monks, um...
0:31:05 > 0:31:07women, grey ladies.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10The full list went on for some time, and, if nothing else,
0:31:10 > 0:31:13it convinced me that we'd come to the right place.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17So, as the sun set and the full moon rose in the sky
0:31:17 > 0:31:20like a leering skull, I assembled my team.
0:31:20 > 0:31:25We are now ready to go ghost-busting and not be afraid.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Tom here has a handheld infra-red camera,
0:31:28 > 0:31:31I have a head-mounted infra-red camera.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35I think we're ready. After me? Right.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Is anybody there?
0:31:39 > 0:31:43'Observing our progress from the safety of the sitting room is
0:31:43 > 0:31:47'Rebecca from the Man Lab and Nigel, our medical expert.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49'Nigel will be monitoring our fear levels,
0:31:49 > 0:31:54'while Rebecca is standing by with a list of popular fear-busting techniques.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58'We're wearing heart-monitoring watches that will go off
0:31:58 > 0:32:01'every time our heart rate exceeds 75% of the maximum,
0:32:01 > 0:32:03'meaning we're in the fear zone
0:32:03 > 0:32:05'and must test out a calming technique.'
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Right, this way?
0:32:09 > 0:32:12'I think if you take a right down this corridor.'
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Down here? This is a kitchen.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19There is something slightly spooky about a kitchen,
0:32:19 > 0:32:23especially an old one like this.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25These tiles have witnessed a lot of
0:32:25 > 0:32:29presumably quite terrible cooking over the centuries.
0:32:29 > 0:32:30Spam fritters.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Poor quality sausages.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Bits of children. That sort of thing.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46DOOR CREAKS
0:32:51 > 0:32:55I don't think he's going to cope with this very well.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57- (What's up there?- Stairs.)
0:32:57 > 0:32:59- (Is that the library?- Yes.)
0:32:59 > 0:33:01(I keep thinking, if we're really quiet,
0:33:01 > 0:33:06- (we can sneak up on the ghosts. - Right, that's a good plan.)
0:33:08 > 0:33:09THUD!
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Sorry, that was me.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14LAUGHTER
0:33:14 > 0:33:17So James is a bit more scared than Tom.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25- Here we go. - Oh... He's almost there!
0:33:25 > 0:33:29- 74%!- His alarm is just there.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31So, five minutes in, he's already almost there.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34MONITOR BEEPS
0:33:34 > 0:33:37My heart rate's just gone up.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39- James? - BEEP!
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Hello.
0:33:41 > 0:33:46You're over your maximum heart rate. Please do some breathing exercises.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48'For example?'
0:33:48 > 0:33:53'Place one hand on the abdomen and one on the chest, then focus on'
0:33:53 > 0:33:55trying to raise the lower hand
0:33:55 > 0:33:58'and not the one on the chest when breathing.'
0:33:58 > 0:34:01'I've absolutely no idea what she's on about.'
0:34:01 > 0:34:04- That's good. It's working. - It's working.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10(Isn't it just because I've stood still and not run up the stairs?)
0:34:10 > 0:34:12(Probably.)
0:34:12 > 0:34:15'For another two hours, we blunder about the castle
0:34:15 > 0:34:19'encountering nothing so much as a supernaturally bent spoon,
0:34:19 > 0:34:23'but when we head to the Great Hall, a terrible surprise awaits.'
0:34:25 > 0:34:26So Tom's quite high.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30- 'Tom's at 60%.' - (That's the Great Hall.- Yes.)
0:34:36 > 0:34:38- (I'm a bit spooked. - What's that?- What?)
0:34:38 > 0:34:41- (What's that noise, way ahead there? - Where?)
0:34:41 > 0:34:45- See, imagination is the worst thing. - I know.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48- That's just a doorway. - (I heard something further through.)
0:34:50 > 0:34:52(Off you go.)
0:35:05 > 0:35:08(There.)
0:35:09 > 0:35:12What the bloody hell is that?
0:35:12 > 0:35:15- Eugh, that was a bit horrible. - Yeah. What was that?
0:35:15 > 0:35:17- Did you hear that?- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22That was in there. What is in there?
0:35:22 > 0:35:26- ALARM BLARES - Ah! Flipping Nora!
0:35:26 > 0:35:29LAUGHTER
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Ah!
0:35:32 > 0:35:36- It's our beep!- Right, be reasonable, that's just our alarm.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39ALARM CONTINUES
0:35:39 > 0:35:41IT STOPS
0:35:43 > 0:35:46I want a heart rate check, please.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52Oh, bloody hell. What was happening in there?
0:35:52 > 0:35:55Don't know, but I heard or saw something. I'm not sure what.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57107 - Tom, 122 - James.
0:35:57 > 0:36:02There's something very odd going on in here and that's not a joke.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05- I don't like it! - HE LAUGHS
0:36:05 > 0:36:08'I want you to stay in the Great Hall, please.'
0:36:10 > 0:36:13What's it... What's beep...?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15- I've gone above my limit. - You'll have to tell.
0:36:15 > 0:36:19'We want you to go back to the Great Hall and try to...'
0:36:19 > 0:36:23- Huh?! What the- BLEEP- was that?! - What?- Something behind you.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25- Yeah, I did! I saw it.- BLEEP!
0:36:28 > 0:36:31- 'OK, I want you to do a... relaxation technique.'- God above!
0:36:31 > 0:36:35You've got to be kidding! There's really weird stuff going on!
0:36:35 > 0:36:36Could you see that?
0:36:36 > 0:36:39- LAUGHTER - OK...breathe.- Breathe!
0:36:39 > 0:36:44You need to calm down. I want you to do some yoga.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47'Yoga? The restless dead are on our heels, woman!'
0:36:47 > 0:36:50- Did you see that thing?! - Yeah, what was that?- I've no idea.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53I might've caught it on tape, but it went straight behind you.
0:36:53 > 0:36:59'In fact, the identity of our mystery assailant was revealed,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02'after close inspection of the CCTV footage,
0:37:02 > 0:37:04'to be a startled bat.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08'Still, at least we retained our scientific detachment.'
0:37:08 > 0:37:12- What the- BLEEP!- was that? - I saw it!- BLEEP!
0:37:12 > 0:37:16- God above!- 'I want you to do a relaxation technique...'
0:37:16 > 0:37:19Sit on the floor with your knees spread and bottoms
0:37:19 > 0:37:22of your feet pressed together or wrapped around your legs.
0:37:22 > 0:37:27Your knees are slightly lifted off the ground and breathe.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30'Tom's heart rate monitor went so far off the scale
0:37:30 > 0:37:33'that he's actually managed to break the thing!
0:37:33 > 0:37:37'Five minutes of yoga reduces our fear rates by 15%.
0:37:37 > 0:37:42'But as this is immediately counterbalanced by a 15% increase in embarrassment, we decide
0:37:42 > 0:37:48'to move on to a new pre-emptive technique - flooding. It involves
0:37:48 > 0:37:51'exposing us to so much of the thing we're scared of,
0:37:51 > 0:37:56'that we'll be immune to anything the castle throws at us.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59'We've enlisted Hayward Morse,
0:37:59 > 0:38:03'one of the UK's most popular narrators of horror stories.'
0:38:03 > 0:38:05"Take thy beak from out my heart
0:38:05 > 0:38:09"and take thy form from off my door.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12"Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore'."
0:38:12 > 0:38:18'The only problem is my heart rate increases and continues to climb.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22'Time to counteract this with an old fear-bashing favourite -
0:38:22 > 0:38:24'Dutch courage.'
0:38:24 > 0:38:27"The figure whipped round, stood for an instant at the side of the bed,
0:38:27 > 0:38:32"raised its arms, and, with a hoarse scream of, 'You've got it!'"
0:38:34 > 0:38:38'Suitably flooded with both scary stories and cabernet,
0:38:38 > 0:38:43'it's time to venture out once again into the blackness.'
0:38:43 > 0:38:46'We decide to return to the Great Hall,
0:38:46 > 0:38:48'having disabled the alarms, and head for
0:38:48 > 0:38:52'the Roman period eastern tower.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55'This is where we thought we heard those strange noises
0:38:55 > 0:38:58'just before our encounter with the bat.'
0:39:00 > 0:39:03This tower is actually quite spooky.
0:39:03 > 0:39:07I don't believe in anything like that, but it's actually quite atmospheric.
0:39:12 > 0:39:17I don't like this picture. What the hell's going on there?
0:39:18 > 0:39:20A weird priest person and...
0:39:20 > 0:39:23It's sort of like an amateur Hieronymus Bosch
0:39:23 > 0:39:26with Oz Clarke in the middle of it.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31It is quite spooky.
0:39:31 > 0:39:36James, your heart rate's going up. I want you to start singing.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40So he's going to do that. Apparently, soldiers used to sing when they go into battle,
0:39:40 > 0:39:43cos it really calms you down. I think it releases endorphins.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46# Mull of Kintyre
0:39:46 > 0:39:49# Oh, mmm rolling nah-nah-nah... #
0:39:49 > 0:39:52HUMS TO HIMSELF
0:39:52 > 0:39:55'Paul and Linda start to have a noticeable calming effect,
0:39:55 > 0:39:58'but it's not enough to drown out this.
0:39:58 > 0:40:03- THUD IN THE DISTANCE (I just heard a noise.- What?)
0:40:03 > 0:40:05(I just heard something in here.)
0:40:07 > 0:40:09(Did you hear that?)
0:40:13 > 0:40:16MONITOR BEEPS I don't mind admitting the hairs
0:40:16 > 0:40:20stood up on the back of my neck and I heard a noise in here. Definitely.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25'Tom is so convinced that he heard something,
0:40:25 > 0:40:29'that we decide to forgo our calming exercises and sit...and listen.'
0:40:32 > 0:40:35- ANOTHER THUD - (Can you hear that?- Yeah.)
0:40:37 > 0:40:40MOVEMENT I can hear footsteps really clearly.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45NOISES CONTINUE (What in the hell is that?)
0:40:45 > 0:40:46Tom's gone up now.
0:40:46 > 0:40:50- (James, what the- BLEEP- was that? What was that noise?- I don't know.)
0:40:50 > 0:40:53- (Shall we go down? - Yeah, let's go down.)
0:40:53 > 0:40:55(Be careful down the stairs.)
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Tom's breathing really heavily.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01James just went over.
0:41:01 > 0:41:02Definitely heard footsteps.
0:41:02 > 0:41:06I'm not hearing anything here, but something was going on up there.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08- Rebecca to Tom.- 'Shut up!'
0:41:14 > 0:41:19- I just heard footsteps again on these stairs.- On these ones? Huh?!
0:41:19 > 0:41:21- It's Rob the Caretaker.- Ah!
0:41:22 > 0:41:25'Yes, our supernatural footsteps
0:41:25 > 0:41:28'turned out to be a combination of a flag flapping on the tower,
0:41:28 > 0:41:32'and Rod making a cup of tea in a mysterious way.'
0:41:32 > 0:41:36And so, after a long night of terror, our ordeal
0:41:36 > 0:41:38was finally over.
0:41:40 > 0:41:44So, what have we learned? Well, firstly, that there are techniques
0:41:44 > 0:41:46for dealing with that inner sense of mounting panic,
0:41:46 > 0:41:50such as deep breathing or singing, like the sailors of old.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53But perhaps more importantly, we've learned that
0:41:53 > 0:41:56this thing of which 40% of us claim to be very scared,
0:41:56 > 0:42:00i.e. ghosts, are actually just demons of our own minds,
0:42:00 > 0:42:05temporarily hosted by the darkness of a creaky old house.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07So it seems that Franklin D Roosevelt was right
0:42:07 > 0:42:13when he said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."
0:42:13 > 0:42:16Although, some later research conducted in the 1970s,
0:42:16 > 0:42:19by Hanna and Barbera,
0:42:19 > 0:42:23suggested we have nothing to fear but the caretaker.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38Ah, yes.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Morganstar89 writes to say,
0:42:40 > 0:42:44"I'm always losing screwdrivers and Allen keys. It drives me crackers.
0:42:44 > 0:42:49"Can you help?" Well, as a matter of fact, Morganstar89,
0:42:49 > 0:42:53yes, we can, because I have a similar problem at home,
0:42:53 > 0:42:57where I have this. It's known as the bowl of many things
0:42:57 > 0:42:59and, in it, I keep all those things
0:42:59 > 0:43:02that have no acknowledged or accepted home within the home.
0:43:02 > 0:43:07For example, my flageolet, my ninja death star,
0:43:07 > 0:43:11a spanner that's very important for adjusting cupboard doors in the kitchen,
0:43:11 > 0:43:15some keys, this spare padlock for the little shed outside
0:43:15 > 0:43:19and, indeed, some Allen keys.
0:43:19 > 0:43:24However, we have recognised there is an area of potential storage
0:43:24 > 0:43:28within every home that is greatly under-utilised, and here it is.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30CLANG!
0:43:30 > 0:43:34Welcome to the Man Lab Ceiling Storage Solution,
0:43:34 > 0:43:38a mere magnetic folly that you could attach to any ceiling anywhere,
0:43:38 > 0:43:42and that will keep very safe for you this spanner.
0:43:42 > 0:43:44See? On the ceiling.
0:43:44 > 0:43:47Up it goes, you know where it is forever.
0:43:47 > 0:43:51We have this pair of nail clippers and I can never find them.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54I will be able to find them when they are up there.
0:43:58 > 0:44:02So, how do you create this simple yet extraordinary storage device?
0:44:02 > 0:44:05Well, a sheet of mild steel is covered with
0:44:05 > 0:44:09a uniform grid of 460 magnets, each capable of holding a kilogram.
0:44:09 > 0:44:13This way, the whole sheet is magnetised.
0:44:13 > 0:44:16We screw that to a board, then hang it from the ceiling.
0:44:16 > 0:44:20Now, if you're interested, those magnets up there are the neodymion type.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23They're extremely strong and never lose their magnetism.
0:44:23 > 0:44:26You can get them from magnet websites on the internet
0:44:26 > 0:44:29and it is worth remembering that the magnet has been a great
0:44:29 > 0:44:32contributor to civilisation. Without it, we wouldn't have
0:44:32 > 0:44:35the magnetic resonance imaging scanner, the MRI scanner,
0:44:35 > 0:44:38and we wouldn't have the electric motor and life would not be as good.
0:44:38 > 0:44:41Anyway, the eagle-eyed amongst you will have noticed
0:44:41 > 0:44:44only half of our ceiling storage solution is magnetic.
0:44:44 > 0:44:47The other half is a mysterious black cloth.
0:44:47 > 0:44:52It is, in fact, a very sophisticated type of hook-and-eye material,
0:44:52 > 0:44:56or Velcro as you would know it, and you can take, for example,
0:44:56 > 0:45:00this hat, which I hardly ever wear. Well, that's got a home.
0:45:00 > 0:45:02Here's an interesting one.
0:45:02 > 0:45:09My ancient and beloved faded pale blue T-shirt which I've had for the best part of 20 years.
0:45:09 > 0:45:12Now, obviously the T-shirt would stick to the Velcro,
0:45:12 > 0:45:16but then it would become rather crumpled and this would spoil its appearance.
0:45:16 > 0:45:19So I've put it on a hanger, the hanger is of course made of mild steel,
0:45:19 > 0:45:25so that should stick to the magnets. And there it is!
0:45:25 > 0:45:29How do you get these things down? I hear you cry from the collective sofa of the nation.
0:45:29 > 0:45:34Well, what you do is you equip yourself with one of these grabbers.
0:45:34 > 0:45:37So, you need a hat? There is a hat.
0:45:37 > 0:45:42You need some Allen keys? Well, there they are. Simply grab them and bring them down.
0:45:42 > 0:45:47The only problem I can think of is, where do you store this?
0:45:47 > 0:45:52Anyway, whilst I think about that, let's see how Love Fungus are getting on.
0:45:54 > 0:45:59Earlier on, we auditioned six bands whose dreams of rock stardom expired two decades ago,
0:45:59 > 0:46:03crushed under the weight of a proper jobs.
0:46:03 > 0:46:06We were in a position to give one of them a last stab at glory.
0:46:06 > 0:46:10There can only be one band that goes forwards,
0:46:10 > 0:46:13and that band is...
0:46:14 > 0:46:16Love Fungus.
0:46:20 > 0:46:27First time we've been in a room together for 20 years, so I think after that, anything can happen now.
0:46:27 > 0:46:34So, Love Fungus convinced us but, next, they would have to win over the crowd at High Voltage,
0:46:34 > 0:46:37one of the UK's biggest rock festivals.
0:46:37 > 0:46:42Neil Armstrong made a giant leap on behalf of humanity when he set foot on the moon,
0:46:42 > 0:46:45but Love Fungus, today, will make a comparable one
0:46:45 > 0:46:50when they stride straight from a pub in the mid-'90s to that,
0:46:50 > 0:46:56the main stage of the High Voltage music festival 2011.
0:46:56 > 0:47:03Without embracing any of the rubbish in-between, the bent managers, dodgy contracts, difficult third albums.
0:47:03 > 0:47:08None of that stuff, they've just risen straight to the top like a bubble of fetid marsh gas.
0:47:20 > 0:47:25After 20 years I couldn't remember the songs, and I couldn't remember the lyrics.
0:47:27 > 0:47:32I think all of us harboured ambitions of wanting to become rock stars.
0:47:32 > 0:47:35Everybody does when you're that age, really.
0:47:35 > 0:47:39- How many people are going to be there?- I dunno, what's the ticket sales?
0:47:39 > 0:47:4130,000 sold so far.
0:47:41 > 0:47:45- Are you going to be sick? - No.- Sounds like you're going to be.
0:47:45 > 0:47:48There were 12 people at our last gig, wasn't there? Maximum.
0:47:48 > 0:47:54Since Love Fungus, the jobs that I've done have been mainly bar work.
0:47:59 > 0:48:02Bit of excitement and a little bit of nerves.
0:48:02 > 0:48:06- To be honest I'm looking forward to seeing that Brian May again. - Who's Brian May?!
0:48:09 > 0:48:13James May! I mean... don't put that in!
0:48:17 > 0:48:21Sadly, Brian May won't be at High Voltage this year, but no matter.
0:48:21 > 0:48:25As performers, Love Fungus enter the festival not through the public gates,
0:48:25 > 0:48:27but through the backstage entrance.
0:48:33 > 0:48:37Just to let you know Love Fungus is coming over.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46Do I regret Love Fungus not making it big? Every day of my life.
0:48:46 > 0:48:51I liked the songs actually but you are now a national account manager in construction.
0:48:51 > 0:48:56Forgive me, but you couldn't get much further from your dream of rock'n'roll stardom
0:48:56 > 0:48:58than looking after the accounts of building firms.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01As a national account manager, I'm all over the country.
0:49:01 > 0:49:08Would I rather be driving around on tour in a tour bus or a van? Yeah, absolutely.
0:49:09 > 0:49:14To play in front of a big crowd would just be the most incredible experience.
0:49:14 > 0:49:19It would be something that would be, you know, life changing, I think.
0:49:19 > 0:49:24- Morning, chaps. You all right? - Yes, not too bad.
0:49:25 > 0:49:29- Are you nervous about it? - No. At the minute, no, not actually.
0:49:29 > 0:49:33I'm a little bit. I can't work out whether it's nerves or excitement.
0:49:33 > 0:49:38Sitting backstage at a festival is living the dream we had 20 years ago.
0:49:40 > 0:49:43Being a newly-deified rock god means smashing your way
0:49:43 > 0:49:46through the rider in the dressing room
0:49:46 > 0:49:48before schmoozing with your rock contemporaries
0:49:48 > 0:49:51in as disaffected and hip a way as possible.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53So it's 20 years since your last gig?
0:49:53 > 0:49:55- Yes.- '91.- 21?
0:49:55 > 0:50:00And somebody stopped the gig halfway through to ask if anyone had ordered a taxi.
0:50:00 > 0:50:02OK, no tellies have gone in swimming pools yet,
0:50:02 > 0:50:05but at least The Fungoids now have the chance to get
0:50:05 > 0:50:07some tips from the rock establishment.
0:50:07 > 0:50:09No-one's really prepared for anything
0:50:09 > 0:50:11so you just go in and...
0:50:11 > 0:50:14- throw yourself to the slaughter. - Festival sound.
0:50:14 > 0:50:17Never let the audience know you've made a mistake.
0:50:17 > 0:50:19Never let them know you're having a wobbler.
0:50:19 > 0:50:21Just enjoy it, that's all you've got to do.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24If you enjoy it and the crowd are with you, then great.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27If they're not, just get off as quick as you can! Leg it!
0:50:27 > 0:50:31And the band aren't the only ones needing guidance.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34As the first punters arrive onsite like the beginning
0:50:34 > 0:50:36of a patchouli-scented landslide...
0:50:36 > 0:50:38HE ROARS
0:50:38 > 0:50:41..I'm starting to get a bit nervous too.
0:50:41 > 0:50:44I have to introduce the boys on stage,
0:50:44 > 0:50:47and if I can't get the crowd pumped up, I could ruin their day.
0:50:47 > 0:50:51They're quite nervous, actually. They're very excitable but nervous.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53It's not much of a contribution,
0:50:53 > 0:50:55but if I can go out and say, "ladies and gentlemen,
0:50:55 > 0:50:58"here they are, Love Fungus," they'll think, "Oh, right."
0:50:58 > 0:51:01They need a big intro though, I think.
0:51:01 > 0:51:02How big?
0:51:02 > 0:51:05Well, as heavy metal as you can make it. Action packed...
0:51:05 > 0:51:09- Action packed, brief, loud, confident, foot on wedge.- Yeah.
0:51:09 > 0:51:12The only bit I'm worried about is foot on wedge.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15I think if you're going with the foot up,
0:51:15 > 0:51:18it's the opposite hand up. See what I'm saying?
0:51:18 > 0:51:21You can't do that, can you? Cos that's a bit Country and Western.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23Yeah, yeah.
0:51:23 > 0:51:25Can I do a bit of practice foot on wedge?
0:51:25 > 0:51:27I'm sure we've got something round here.
0:51:27 > 0:51:29Maybe you could get a minion just to get down...
0:51:29 > 0:51:31Stick it on the...
0:51:31 > 0:51:32Put it on their back.
0:51:32 > 0:51:35'Just then, Rory, Man Lab's callow youth,
0:51:35 > 0:51:38'took the ill-advised decision to walk past where we were standing.
0:51:38 > 0:51:42'But he won't mind this. We've been walking all over him for weeks.'
0:51:43 > 0:51:45- So just walk out.- Yeah.
0:51:46 > 0:51:49- How's that?- Yeah, nice.- Is that good?- For a first try, very good.
0:51:49 > 0:51:51'Thanks to the selfless Rory,
0:51:51 > 0:51:55'I'm perfectly prepared for my big moment.'
0:51:55 > 0:51:57All good. You were great.
0:51:57 > 0:52:00- Thanks, Rory.- Yeah.- Thank you. - Have the rest of the day off.
0:52:00 > 0:52:04MUSIC: "Highway To Hell" by AC/DC
0:52:05 > 0:52:06High Voltaaaage!
0:52:18 > 0:52:22# Living easy, living free. #
0:52:22 > 0:52:24- Go.- Let's go.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28# Asking nothing, leave me be. #
0:52:29 > 0:52:33- VIA MEGAPHONE: Love Fungus are entering the arena. - BAND MEMBERS LAUGH
0:52:33 > 0:52:35Love Fungus are entering the arena.
0:52:36 > 0:52:42- Right, it's that way, I believe.- OK. - To the 13 steps up to glory.
0:52:43 > 0:52:46'Here, then, at the foot of the stairway to rock heaven,
0:52:46 > 0:52:48'is Love Fungus.
0:52:48 > 0:52:52'The ghost of their ambition has been locked in an old guitar case
0:52:52 > 0:52:55'under the stairs for 20 years, and now it's been opened.'
0:52:56 > 0:53:00Just calm. Look, it's just a gig. It's what you do.
0:53:02 > 0:53:05- Lads, let's enjoy this, come on. - You must, you must.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08I'm trying to think of what to say to you, cos it doesn't...
0:53:08 > 0:53:12It's only rock 'n' roll, it doesn't... Oh, thank you. Urgh!
0:53:12 > 0:53:14How do I turn it on?
0:53:14 > 0:53:17- You ready, guys?- Yeah. - You want to come up the stairs?
0:53:17 > 0:53:20Ooh, got to go upstairs. Come on, lads, upstairs.
0:53:20 > 0:53:25'Later the stage will be host to Slash, Judas Priest and Thin Lizzy.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28'Total record sales, 150 million.'
0:53:28 > 0:53:32It's only a gig. You're just playing musical instruments.
0:53:35 > 0:53:38But for now, and for the only time in history,
0:53:38 > 0:53:42this arena belongs to a salesman, a national account manager,
0:53:42 > 0:53:46a graphic designer, a teaching assistant and a nurse... Rock On!
0:53:46 > 0:53:49- CHEERING SWELLS - Come on, go.
0:53:55 > 0:53:57WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
0:53:57 > 0:53:58Scream for me, High Voltage!
0:53:58 > 0:54:02CHEERING
0:54:02 > 0:54:06This band split up in 1991 over musical differences
0:54:06 > 0:54:12- and because someone had stolen the steering wheel from their van. - CROWD LAUGHS
0:54:12 > 0:54:15They reformed two days ago...and nobody noticed.
0:54:15 > 0:54:21But you're going to notice now! Give it up for Love Fungus!
0:54:21 > 0:54:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, ready, lads?
0:54:25 > 0:54:28CYMBALS AND OVERDRIVEN GUITARS
0:54:39 > 0:54:43# Well, I was wondering What shall we do?
0:54:43 > 0:54:47# And I was contemplating What's two add two?
0:54:47 > 0:54:52# And I was mesmerised And then I was you
0:54:52 > 0:54:56# And I was sitting here Simply blue, that's true
0:54:56 > 0:54:58# But drive away Those clouds that gather
0:54:58 > 0:55:00# Drive away the night
0:55:00 > 0:55:05# Drive away all that is bad Hey, drive away the spite
0:55:05 > 0:55:09# Drive until you can't drive on Drive into the night
0:55:09 > 0:55:13# Dark clouds will gather overhead So head into the light. #
0:55:13 > 0:55:16This is an inspiration to anyone, anywhere.
0:55:16 > 0:55:20In the words of AC/DC, let there be light,
0:55:20 > 0:55:23let there be sound, let there be drums,
0:55:23 > 0:55:28let there be guitars... Oh, let there be rock.
0:55:28 > 0:55:33- The singer's quite punky, like, quite lairy.- Yeah.- Pretty good.
0:55:33 > 0:55:36# I can feel you And I need you
0:55:36 > 0:55:41# But I wanna be you Because I love you
0:55:44 > 0:55:45# Oh, yes!
0:55:46 > 0:55:48GUITAR SOLO
0:55:59 > 0:56:02The glorious resprouting of The Fungus
0:56:02 > 0:56:06is a message to all men stuck in daily drudgery across the nation.
0:56:06 > 0:56:10Take up thy guitar - you're never too old to dream.
0:56:10 > 0:56:14# Ha ha ha ha
0:56:14 > 0:56:17# Ha ha ha ha
0:56:17 > 0:56:19# Haaa. #
0:56:22 > 0:56:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:35 > 0:56:38Thank you very much! Cheers, that was absolutely amazing.
0:56:38 > 0:56:41You guys are great, enjoy the rest of your day.
0:56:41 > 0:56:44Experience some fantastic bands that are here for you, OK?
0:56:44 > 0:56:47We're Love Fungus, cheers.
0:56:47 > 0:56:49Cheers, James.
0:56:49 > 0:56:53Brilliant work! Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Come on.
0:56:53 > 0:56:56- Bit sweaty, sorry, James.- Cheers!
0:56:56 > 0:56:58I'm very proud of them.
0:56:59 > 0:57:00Bloody hell, man.
0:57:01 > 0:57:03Good? Did you enjoy that?
0:57:03 > 0:57:05That was terrific.
0:57:07 > 0:57:09My heart swelled with pride when I saw you out there.
0:57:09 > 0:57:11I was...I was moved. I was.
0:57:14 > 0:57:17CHEERING
0:57:21 > 0:57:23We had Hendrix at Monterey,
0:57:23 > 0:57:26we had The Who on the Isle of Wight, The Beatles at the Hollywood Bowl,
0:57:26 > 0:57:32but now we've had Love Fungus at the High Voltage festival.
0:57:32 > 0:57:35In 30 years' time, people who weren't here
0:57:35 > 0:57:37will claim that they were.
0:57:43 > 0:57:47Let us not forget that Love Fungus are not merely
0:57:47 > 0:57:49some reunited happy band of brothers.
0:57:49 > 0:57:52They, and thousands of bands before them,
0:57:52 > 0:57:55actually changed the course of musical history.
0:57:55 > 0:58:00Because if it hadn't been for the invention of the electric guitar,
0:58:00 > 0:58:03the ukulele craze that swept America in the 1940s
0:58:03 > 0:58:06would have continued unabated to this day.
0:58:06 > 0:58:11And now your MP3 player would be filled, not with rock music,
0:58:11 > 0:58:15but with the happy sounds of Hawaiian ukulele bands.
0:58:17 > 0:58:18Imagine that.
0:58:20 > 0:58:21Goodbye.
0:58:22 > 0:58:25UKULELE MUSIC PLAYS
0:58:39 > 0:58:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:41 > 0:58:44E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk