0:00:02 > 0:00:03Hello and welcome to Man Lab,
0:00:03 > 0:00:06where the long-lost 10mm spanner of good intention is restored
0:00:06 > 0:00:10to its rightful place in the toolbox of personal triumph.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29'Coming up.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31'We put pedal to metal,
0:00:31 > 0:00:34'revolutionising the dull old bicycle.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38'We turn a U-bend into a utopia with our urinal Eden...'
0:00:38 > 0:00:41There's a rabbit! Hello!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44'I build my own boat from a bin liner...'
0:00:44 > 0:00:46God, it's knackering.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50'And I try to address the nation's inability to score a penalty
0:00:50 > 0:00:52'by taking one myself.'
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:01KETTLE WHISTLES
0:01:01 > 0:01:03This is a bicycle,
0:01:03 > 0:01:07and it is surely one of humankind's greatest inventions.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11The modern bicycle, as we know it, was invented in 1885
0:01:11 > 0:01:16and since then has liberated nations, mobilised armies,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19and provided the inspiration for the 1971 hit The Pushbike Song
0:01:19 > 0:01:23by The Mixtures, but even so it's pretty good.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25But in a world where your phone is also a camera
0:01:25 > 0:01:28and an alarm clock is also a teapot,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32the bicycle is starting to look laughably mono-functional.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Curiously, at about the same time the bicycle was invented,
0:01:35 > 0:01:41somebody also invented this - the famous penknife made by Swiss Army.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Now, for centuries the pocket knife had been a simple single folding blade
0:01:45 > 0:01:48that you used to eat your ploughman's lunch
0:01:48 > 0:01:50or lance an unsightly boil on your face.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55But then a man called Karl Elsner added a second blade
0:01:55 > 0:01:57and then somebody added a screwdriver and a corkscrew
0:01:57 > 0:02:00and a toothpick and that thing that boy scouts know how to use.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02And this gave us an idea.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Our Man Lab chief engineer, Simmy, has been working with his team
0:02:08 > 0:02:11in secret, in case the Swiss are watching,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13to disassemble and utterly revolutionise
0:02:13 > 0:02:15the humble bicycle, bringing it screaming
0:02:15 > 0:02:18into the 21st-century world of multitasking convenience.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22It was a process that called for ingenuity,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25adaptation and lots of good old-fashioned welding.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28No space on our bike's frame could be inefficiently wasted,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31no gadget left undeployed.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Did we succeed? You can decide.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38# I've got a bike You can ride it if you like... #
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Here it is, the world's first Swiss Army bike.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44It's still a bicycle, I'm still enjoying a pleasant ride
0:02:44 > 0:02:49through leafy Cambridgeshire, but it has added functionality.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52It's a wheeled multi-tool. Let's see how it works.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01Mmm. I wonder if anybody in this traditional Fenland village
0:03:01 > 0:03:03needs my help.
0:03:03 > 0:03:09'Yes! This tavern landlord lacks the stature needed to buff up his windows to a fine polish.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13'Luckily, one of Simmy's first breakthroughs was to utilise
0:03:13 > 0:03:16'all wasted spaces on the bicycle. Even the ones inside the tubes.'
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Give me a moment.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22'By turning a few levers I release the Swiss Army bike's secret
0:03:22 > 0:03:24'under-saddle squeegee and scraper,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27'which can reach the top floor windows with ease.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31'Within minutes, they were sparkling like the East Anglian intellect.'
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Well, if you're happy with that, sir, I'll be on my way.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Thank you very much and have a very safe journey.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Don't thank me, thank the Swiss Army bicycle.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43The point of all this is this -
0:03:43 > 0:03:46the wheel is the basis of civilisation.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49It's also fundamental to industrialisation.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Think of the spinning wheel, the water wheel, the cranked fly wheel
0:03:53 > 0:03:56on a steam engine. These things have empowered us.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59So if you have a wheel or a shaft spinning round,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02you can do work with it, you can produce things,
0:04:02 > 0:04:06and bicycles have wheels and shafts spinning round on them
0:04:06 > 0:04:10and we can make them work for us, and that's what we're doing here.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Sim's next innovation wasn't simply going to be a thing
0:04:13 > 0:04:15that fitted in a space, like the squeegee.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20It had to capture the spirit of industrial rotational dynamics.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24What better than another useful wheel, a grindstone?
0:04:24 > 0:04:29We'll strip that down, get rid of all the plastics and the electrics
0:04:29 > 0:04:30and see what's inside.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Cannibalising an electric grinder, Sim re-appropriated
0:04:34 > 0:04:36not only the grindstone, but also the motor elements.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39So that'll end up on the wheel...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Encased in a welded framework, the idea is that
0:04:42 > 0:04:46the pedals are worked, the back wheel turns and the grinders grind. But would it work?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Would you believe it?
0:04:48 > 0:04:54I soon rode past a man who would give his kingdom for a grinder. A blunt-knifed butcher.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- Excuse me, Mr Cyclist.- Yes, sir.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02I'm happy to find that with an adjustable backwards-facing second seat
0:05:02 > 0:05:07and a perfectly positioned grindstone attachment, sharpening any knife becomes child's play.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Not literally, of course. That would be irresponsible.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16How's that, sir?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Wonderful.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22# Bicycle, bicycle! #
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Mounting a hanging basket bracket in full view of a passing cyclist?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Never fear. Swiss Army bike's here.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34For this job I'm going to have to use the Swiss Army Bike's rotary tool.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39This attaches to a rotating shaft here, driven by the back wheel.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42In my small pouch I have a variety of drill bits.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46So, there is the bit in the chuck.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51You engage the friction drive on the rear wheel there, like so,
0:05:51 > 0:05:55and then I climb backwards onto the bicycle...
0:05:57 > 0:06:00..and when I pedal,
0:06:00 > 0:06:04the drill, or whatever else you put in there, rotates.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Look at that. It's a reduction ratio of about 120 to 1.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Thanks to Swiss Army bike's revolutionary versatility,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15the hole for the hanging basket is drilled in mere seconds.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17But that's not all.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21In the handlebars of the bike are concealed screwdrivers,
0:06:21 > 0:06:22to finish the job off thoroughly.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28There, I'll just hang the basket up and then I'll be on my way.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32'I could probably have done with a slightly longer flexible drive-shaft
0:06:32 > 0:06:35'but that's an improvement for the mark two.' Bye!
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Now we've come to a downhill section and normally
0:06:38 > 0:06:41when you go downhill on a bike, you slow down using the brake,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44but that's very wasteful because the kinetic energy you have,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47all the energy you have because you're moving,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50is turned into heat in the brake blocks and that's a waste,
0:06:50 > 0:06:54so what I've got is a regenerative system. I'm slowing down with
0:06:54 > 0:06:59an elaborate pump that pressurises a cylinder full of creosote.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03The hurdle with this ingenious gizmo was to use something that was going
0:07:03 > 0:07:08round and round, the wheel, to drive something up and down, the pump.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10We did this by making an eccentric -
0:07:10 > 0:07:13a circular plate off-centre with the wheel.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15As it rotates it gives a high point and a low point.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18We got the idea from Stephenson's Rocket.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Next we added the creosote reservoir to the back.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23"Why creosote?" I hear you cry.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28Fear, not sir, no wood is safe from the Swiss Army bicycle.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34The high pressure power from the air-compressing brake system
0:07:34 > 0:07:37leaves not a single knot of wood unsprayed!
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Bye!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44But this bicycle is not just for the resolutely practical,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47modern DIY enthusiast. Oh, no.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51What if you were to chance across a fine fruit-picking maiden
0:07:51 > 0:07:54with excellent dress sense,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57and wished to woo her with the gift of a refreshing milky beverage,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59to wit, a smoothie?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Modifying the bike to perform this most disarming of romantic gestures
0:08:03 > 0:08:05was probably the toughest job of the lot.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10First, Sim disassembled an existing blender and nicked the motor.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12With a bit of welding, we attached it to a strut.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Bicycle, we bring you an offering of a dismantled old food blender.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20James, we're going to be somewhere like this.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24That against the tyre there, the tyre goes round, that goes round.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27That's the original electric motor from the blender.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28It's now becoming the drive wheel.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32'With the blades rotating nicely, the trick was going to be to make
0:08:32 > 0:08:35'a catch that would disconnect the blender from the tyre at will.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39'After all, who'd want to pedal around the place on a bike
0:08:39 > 0:08:44'with a blender that was spinning the whole time? That would just look stupid.'
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Back in the field, all I need to do is engage the clasp
0:08:49 > 0:08:51which pushes the drive shaft against the wheel,
0:08:51 > 0:08:55pinch the fine lady's fruit,
0:08:55 > 0:09:01add some milk from my cycle flask and away we go.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03The blender is powered by the front wheel,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06which means I have to be moving forwards for it to work.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Thank you.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Your pleasure is my pleasure.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22'What a smoothie.'
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Excuse me, I don't suppose you've got one of those things
0:09:34 > 0:09:37that gets a stone out of a horse's hoof, have you?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Damn.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43The Swiss Army bike mark two with horse shoe de-stoner,
0:09:43 > 0:09:47extended drill lead and better gearing can wait for another day.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50For now, I rest safe in the knowledge that the hectic world
0:09:50 > 0:09:53of the modern two-wheeled, clean-windowed, sharp-knived
0:09:53 > 0:09:56pristine-fenced, smoothie-wooing gentleman is just
0:09:56 > 0:09:58that little bit more convenient.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02In fact, we were so pleased with the Swiss Army bike
0:10:02 > 0:10:04that we created this shoddy graphic
0:10:04 > 0:10:06and pretended I'd ridden it to Germany
0:10:06 > 0:10:08to deal with a problem.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12This is the Veltins-Arena in Gelsenkirchen.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16A great football stadium, certainly, but it's so much more than that.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20It's more of a colossal monument to modern Germany herself.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24To her reputation for great engineering, civic efficiency,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27finishing things on time, doing things properly
0:10:27 > 0:10:29and all the rest of it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33But to us Englanders it is a place of shame.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38For this is where, in 2006, a dispirited England,
0:10:38 > 0:10:43minus their red-carded wunderkind Rooney, went out of the World Cup
0:10:43 > 0:10:46in a penalty shoot-out against the Portugal of Ronaldo.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51- COMMENTARY:- 'He steps up...and it's saved! Another missed penalty.'
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Their sixth penalty shoot-out defeat since 1990.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Now, England has given the world many great things.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03The printing press, equations of motion, the steam locomotive,
0:11:03 > 0:11:07the puddling furnace, the shape of the DNA spiral,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10the world wide web and, of course, the corkscrew
0:11:10 > 0:11:12but the achievements of Caxton,
0:11:12 > 0:11:18Newton, Trevithick, Cort, Crick and Watson, Berners-Lee and Oz Clarke
0:11:18 > 0:11:23count for absolutely nothing in the gruelling arena of world prestige.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Just so long as we remain completely inept at kicking an inflated pig's bladder
0:11:28 > 0:11:33into the back of an onion bag. Something must be done.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38In exactly one week's time, I will return to this benighted stadium
0:11:38 > 0:11:44and demonstrate to the nation once and for all how to score a penalty.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46But if I'm to succeed,
0:11:46 > 0:11:50I need to get to the bottom of why it's all gone so wrong for England.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03Recently, we have seen some ruthless cuts in this country's public spending,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07and the reason for these is the woeful state of English penalty-taking.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10In actual fact, we have spent almost half our GDP
0:12:10 > 0:12:12on this state-of-the art laboratory
0:12:12 > 0:12:15in an attempt to get to the root of the problem.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Welcome to the Department of Penalty Studies at the University of Loughborough,
0:12:19 > 0:12:26where they even have their own infallible striker in the form of this penalty-taking robot.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Now, bizarrely, they call this thing "David", and the great thing about David
0:12:30 > 0:12:34is he can kick a ball up to 100 yards at up to 100mph,
0:12:34 > 0:12:40and replicate the power and the direction of the kick exactly, every single time.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Like this.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56'Sadly, the seminal 1848 Cambridge Rules of Football
0:12:56 > 0:13:00'specifically prohibit the use of a robotic striker in an international fixture.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02'Never mind.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06'To succeed in Germany, all I'll need to do is follow David's example
0:13:06 > 0:13:08'and give it some Duke of Wellington.'
0:13:20 > 0:13:24'Hmm... There is, unfortunately, one slight snag.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29'Unlike my metal mentor, I've never scored a single goal in my entire life,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32'and that's not a joke.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37'But it doesn't matter, because science and technology can still come to the aid of England.'
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Right. Let's find out where I went wrong.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45And that requires me, sadly, to wear this ridiculous gimp suit and the John McEnroe headband,
0:13:45 > 0:13:49and you will notice that they are covered with these little grey nipples.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Those are infra-red reflectors, and they allow my every movement
0:13:53 > 0:13:57to be analysed by these sensors around the laboratory.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02It's very similar to the technology used to make the graphics for video games.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Down here we also have our super-slow-motion camera to analyse the point where I kick the ball.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11That can record at up to 650,000 frames per second,
0:14:11 > 0:14:16rather than the usual 25 frames per second at which you're watching your television now.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Finally, over here, we have this piece of kit,
0:14:19 > 0:14:23which will track the flight of the ball towards the goal,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26and then display it in 3D on the computer screen there.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Developed by the Danish military
0:14:28 > 0:14:31to monitor the flow of pastries across the Channel to England.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Right, are you ready, doctor? - We're ready.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Let us take a penalty.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Well, I can tell without your computer that I kicked it straight at the goalie.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- What does it tell you? - It tells us that the speed of your kick was 34mph.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55A professional player would be looking at hitting
0:14:55 > 0:14:58the corners a little bit more, perhaps at a slightly higher speed.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01'What he means, for the non-academic,
0:15:01 > 0:15:05'is that real footballers can kick at 80mph.'
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- I am truly, astronomically - BLEEP- at football, aren't I?
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Am I the worst player you've ever had in here?
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Penalty number five.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Missed four so far, so if I miss this one,
0:15:16 > 0:15:20I think I'm right in saying England is out of the cup, as usual.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21OK, boss, say when.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Stand by. Shot five. Go!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Yes!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32APPLAUSE
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Right, let's see if the... - HE LAUGHS
0:15:38 > 0:15:41That's the first goal I've ever scored in my entire life,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44and I'm 48, so that's quite an emotional moment.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Erm...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I'm going to go and look at the, er, whatever we call that,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50the motion analysis system,
0:15:50 > 0:15:54to see if it can throw any infrared light on what I'm doing.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Even though you did score, there are a few faults with your technique -
0:16:00 > 0:16:04you are very square with your pelvis,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07it's square-on to the goal throughout your shot.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10So you're not getting any power from your hips.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15Is that why I appear to be kicking the ball like a complete Jessie? Doing a little skip at the end?
0:16:15 > 0:16:16A little bit, yes.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21Your main fault is that you're only flicking through with your lower leg at the last minute.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24You're not really getting the power of your whole body behind the shot.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28'If my computerised stick man doppelganger exposes a few shortcomings,
0:16:28 > 0:16:33'it's nothing compared with the horror of the slow-motion camera.'
0:16:39 > 0:16:41So what am I actually doing wrong?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43There are a couple of things that are quite obvious
0:16:43 > 0:16:44when we look at this.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47You can see first of all that your planting foot
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- is too far behind the ball.- Yeah.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53I can't time the run-up properly. I can't work it out. I'm leaning backwards as well.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- That's not right, is it? You're supposed to be over the ball. - Yours is more of a toe poke.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59You can see my toes buckling in that one.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Great. And I look like an idiot.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Well, the white suit doesn't help.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07'After hours of tests...
0:17:08 > 0:17:12'..the technicians had delivered their in-depth analysis
0:17:12 > 0:17:16'of the areas that need addressing if I'm to beat the Germans in their backyard.'
0:17:16 > 0:17:21My run-up is poorly timed, I'm not putting my left foot next to the ball,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I'm not putting my weight over the ball because I'm leaning backwards,
0:17:24 > 0:17:29I'm kicking the ball with the wrong part of my foot, my ankle is too floppy, my knee is too stiff,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I'm not getting the correct articulation in my hips,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I'm not accurately aiming at the top left-hand of the goal,
0:17:35 > 0:17:36and I'm crap at football.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40And in a real penalty situation, a real shoot-out, it would be even harder,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43because there would, of course, be the psychological element.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48The enemy goalkeeper would be trying to psyche me out.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53'I'm going to face this in Germany. Urgent remedial action is needed.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58'Coming up - a masterclass in the ancient art of penalty psychology.'
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Hate the ball! Hate that ball! - I do hate the ball!
0:18:01 > 0:18:04'..with the man they call the Socrates of South London.'
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Ah, you mug! Everyone hates you now!
0:18:12 > 0:18:18'The Man Lab stands cathedral-like as a monument to male endeavour and achievement.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21'From its workshops flows a torrent of invention and ingenuity,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25inspiring like-minded fellows to go forth and waste time.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31'But hidden in a forgotten corner lies the Man Lab's dirty little secret.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34'A putrid hell-hole that threatens to condemn our achievements
0:18:34 > 0:18:37'to the U-bend of inadequacy.'
0:18:39 > 0:18:45This is the shameful secret of our Man Lab, the old urinal block.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48It's so awful in here, we've never actually used it.
0:18:48 > 0:18:54It's just sat in the corner, taunting us with its filth and its squalor.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58It's absolutely disgusting, it's like some anteroom to Hades.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Something has to be done, and I'm not talking about a wazz.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07What has to be done first is the removal of this wall.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11'This act of vandalism obscures a genteel ambition.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16'For what we have in mind is to transform this pestilential pissoir
0:19:16 > 0:19:21'into the most idyllic of rest rooms.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25'Henry Miller said that every Englishman should own one.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29'Francis Bacon called them "the purest of human pleasures".
0:19:29 > 0:19:34'And even the Frenchman Voltaire exalted us to cultivate them.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37'In this squalid space, we shall create a living Eden,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40'a garden of earthly delights.'
0:19:40 > 0:19:42TOILET FLUSHES
0:19:47 > 0:19:52"The Earth," said Nicolaus Copernicus, I think, "conceives by the sun,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54"and by him, becomes pregnant with ripe fruit."
0:19:54 > 0:19:56The problem we have indoors
0:19:56 > 0:20:00is that normal light bulbs don't give the full spectrum of white light,
0:20:00 > 0:20:04so you're missing quite a lot of the ultraviolet, so things will grow, but not very well.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07So what we're going to do first is put up some daylight bulbs -
0:20:07 > 0:20:11they have all of the white light spectrum. They will encourage things to grow,
0:20:11 > 0:20:15and this is Darren the sparky, who is helping me with that.
0:20:15 > 0:20:20'As any student who's grown their own herbs for cooking will tell you,
0:20:20 > 0:20:25'these lights burn cold, so you can put them close to the plants without singeing the leaves.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28'But because our garden will also need water,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31'we've got to be careful when wiring them in.'
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Everything electrical in this room has to be waterproofed,
0:20:34 > 0:20:38cos it's going be damp, because it'll be irrigated, so this is a waterproof junction box.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40These have little rubber glands in them.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44You do have to remember to tighten these up, and then no water can get in.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49These walls have been lined with this stuff, which is...
0:20:49 > 0:20:53It's a sort of reconstituted plastic waste sheet. It's brilliant stuff.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57None of us can remember what it's called, but anyway, it's that stuff.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Then onto that, we're going to add this waterproof membrane,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05because there's going to be an irrigation system in here,
0:21:05 > 0:21:09and the plants are quite literally going to be growing up the wall.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15'My vision for the Man Lab garden is a horticultural heaven,
0:21:15 > 0:21:19'where the serenity of Sissinghurst and the culture of Kew shall coalesce.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24'But we start with a humble homage to the greatest historical garden of all -
0:21:24 > 0:21:27'the hanging garden of imperial Babylon.'
0:21:27 > 0:21:32OK, so this is a hanging basket. It is basket-shaped and it hangs.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- We need to line it. - Right.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38So, erm, a natural product, just using natural moss,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41so literally just fill round the finished layer,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44and pack the whole of the basket out with the moss.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Mm. Smells marvellous.
0:21:46 > 0:21:52'To give our Babylonian basket a distinctly British flavour, we're starting with strawberries,
0:21:52 > 0:21:56'although the possibilities for our garden are limited only by our imagination.'
0:21:56 > 0:21:58What else can we put in there?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01We can have orchids, we can have some flowers,
0:22:01 > 0:22:05what other edible things can we grow - salads?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- Salads, yeah. - Peas. Leeks.- Yep.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Opium?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Poppies would grow in there, wouldn't they? If you had a bed of...?
0:22:12 > 0:22:17Yeah, with the... Yeah, with good light and heat, then yeah.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20'Before Ian goes off to phone the police,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24'I placate him with a plant that even Thomas De Quincey would never try to smoke.'
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Tomatoes!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30So, actually, basic gardening is not that difficult, is it?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33The golden rules are decent composted soil,
0:22:33 > 0:22:38healthy plants, dig a hole, loosen the roots, stick it in, pack it round, put some water on it.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41That's the basic principles, really.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I hope Monty Don watched that bit.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49'With our lighting and irrigation ready, we bring in our seedlings,
0:22:49 > 0:22:53'and lay down matting sown with the grasses of the meadow.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55'But our garden is not yet complete -
0:22:55 > 0:22:59'we must leave Mother Nature to work her magic.'
0:22:59 > 0:23:00And there will be more.
0:23:00 > 0:23:06Our former khazi is going to be transformed into a cornucopia of exotic produce,
0:23:06 > 0:23:11all of which will mature and ripen and blossom in the next five weeks.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13And you're just going to have to take my word for that,
0:23:13 > 0:23:17because I don't want to spoil the surprise of the final reveal.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21We shall revisit that world that was once just stains and soap scum
0:23:21 > 0:23:23about five weeks hence.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Wa-hey!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27'So, while we got on with other exciting activities...'
0:23:27 > 0:23:29HE LAUGHS
0:23:29 > 0:23:32'..grasses grew and plants silently sprouted.'
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Timber!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39So, here we are at hence.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41It's five weeks later,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44the garden has been tended by members of the Man Lab.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I genuinely haven't seen it yet, and I'm about to see it for the first time.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49So, here we go.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Come into my garden.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Wow.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03'Where once were cracked cisterns and indelible stains,
0:24:03 > 0:24:08'now flourish exotic vistas of herbs and peppers, fruits and vines.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13'Himalayan Vanda orchids festoon the walls and ceiling,
0:24:13 > 0:24:17'while cacti from the Americas nestle in the pan.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20'Butterflies flit, ferns unfurl and flowers blossom
0:24:20 > 0:24:24'in our unlikely indoor Alhambra.'
0:24:24 > 0:24:29Thomas Campion, 1567-1620, wrote,
0:24:29 > 0:24:34"There is a garden in her face, where roses and white lilies blow."
0:24:34 > 0:24:37And it's a good job he lived when he did, because if he was here today,
0:24:37 > 0:24:41he'd have to write, "There is a garden in our bog," which wouldn't have been as good.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43But that... There's a rabbit! Look!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Hello!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Surely not?!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Strawberries!
0:24:53 > 0:24:57See, the garden is like a sort of waiting room at paradise,
0:24:57 > 0:25:01it's why they're popular in all cultures - it's where we ultimately long to be.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I'm sitting here, or crouching here,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06like the first man in the first garden.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Mmm.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12All is innocence and pleasure.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21He's eaten a hole in my trousers!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER
0:25:24 > 0:25:27You...idiot!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Look at all these things you can eat, you fool!
0:25:30 > 0:25:35Leaves and strawberries and you've eaten a pair of jeans.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38You're not bright, are you?
0:25:39 > 0:25:45Maybe you have an unloved spare room, you know, the sort of place where there's a mouldy mattress
0:25:45 > 0:25:48and some books you no longer read, and a broken pushchair.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Turn it into one of these.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Come to think of it, I've got a small downstairs lavatory that I don't really use very much.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I could certainly make the experience of using it a great deal better.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00'If you have already transformed your bog,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03'why not write to us at -
0:26:05 > 0:26:09'Mark your subject line "I feel much better after that." '
0:26:12 > 0:26:14'There's less than a week to go
0:26:14 > 0:26:17'before my attempt to rescue the nation's sporting reputation
0:26:17 > 0:26:24'by scoring a penalty from the very spot where England were knocked out of the 2006 World Cup.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27'So far, my efforts have been, at best, pants.'
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Oh, that was terrible!
0:26:29 > 0:26:34'Good job, then, that science has developed a confidence-inspiring formula
0:26:34 > 0:26:38'based on the study of over 10,000 penalty kicks.'
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Right, I've done a bit more research,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43and on the internet I found this very handy formula,
0:26:43 > 0:26:47which gives me my LPS, my likelihood of penalty success.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49It looks very complicated, but actually it isn't.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52It all breaks down into a series of ones and noughts.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54This half of it is about the player.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58This half of it is about my technique. So let's work it out.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Am I right footed? Yes, I'm pretty sure I am.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Am I a striker or a defender? I don't really know,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06but I'll call myself a striker because that gives me a one.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11Is my age 21 or under? Sadly not, so I get a nought for that.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14And have I been on the pitch for under 45 minutes? Well, yes.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I've only been here about 15 seconds.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19So that's that half of the equation divided by four.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I have to multiply that by this side.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Will I be starting my run-up outside the penalty box? I think I will.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27So that's a one.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Am I going to do a slow run-up - SRU? Yeah, why not?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32It's unlikely to be fast, let's be honest.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Am I going to kick to my natural side?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38That is, if I'm right footed, that way, so the ball goes over there.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Almost certainly. That's a one.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Am I going to use the inside of my boot?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I'll probably toe-jab it but let's say I manage to do it properly.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Am I going to aim for the top left-hand corner,
0:27:48 > 0:27:53the most obvious place to shoot for a penalty? Yes, so that's a one.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56And that is divided by five so that gives me three over four,
0:27:56 > 0:28:020.75, multiply by five over five, one equals...
0:28:02 > 0:28:060.75, multiply by 100,
0:28:06 > 0:28:11gives me a whopping 75% chance of scoring a penalty.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13How about that?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19'Maybe I worked that out wrong.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23'Luckily, I've enlisted help from the professor of the penalty kick,
0:28:23 > 0:28:27'ex-Liverpool, Spurs and West Ham's Neil "Razor" Ruddock.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30'He's the thinking man's football coach,
0:28:30 > 0:28:33'but only if you're the sort of man who likes thinking about pies.'
0:28:34 > 0:28:38Listen. The penalty, your formula was absolute rubbish.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Taking a penalty's about there.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43This ain't your friend. Get angry. Get in the zone.
0:28:43 > 0:28:48Show me your zone face. That's it. Number one, get in the zone.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50- Number two, put the ball down. Yes? - Yep.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Number three, never look at the keeper.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55He's going to try and put you off.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Four, you're in the zone, don't change your mind.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Number five, important foot is your standing foot,
0:29:01 > 0:29:03not your kicking foot. OK?
0:29:03 > 0:29:09Number six, make sure you get a good strike. Shall I show you?
0:29:09 > 0:29:12- Yeah.- I'm in the zone, I'm not looking at the goalkeeper.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18- How do you know where the goal is? - It's straight in front of you, James.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23'I'm not sure Mr Razor realises just how little I know about all this.
0:29:23 > 0:29:28'I'm going to have to put some effort in to avoid a trademark Ruddock roasting.'
0:29:28 > 0:29:30- Right, so zone...- Zone.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32- Zone face. - Never look at the goalkeeper.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35- Hate the ball, don't look at the goalkeeper.- Hate that ball!
0:29:35 > 0:29:39I do hate the ball. I've hated it since I was a child.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Take the ironing board out of your back.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45- Loose. - And it's that bit of the boot.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Just the inside of your laces.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49If you toe-punt it, it could go anywhere
0:29:49 > 0:29:52- and you'll break your toe.- OK. - Do you want to give it a whirl?
0:29:54 > 0:29:56It was too straight.
0:30:04 > 0:30:08'In case you haven't worked it out yet, or you've just tuned in,
0:30:08 > 0:30:12'I'm really crap at football.'
0:30:12 > 0:30:15What chance do you think James has with his current technique?
0:30:15 > 0:30:19To be fair, it's the worst technique I've ever seen from a human.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23That formula said 75%.
0:30:23 > 0:30:2825% of scoring one goal, cos he just ain't got the power.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31I mean, look at him, he looks like Bambi on ice.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Just have a look at this technique, watch, look...
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Brilliant, James(!)
0:30:38 > 0:30:42That only bounced four times before it hit the goalkeeper.
0:30:42 > 0:30:47Try and kick it, try and see if you can hit the goal without bouncing. Power! C'mon! Hate that football!
0:30:47 > 0:30:50'Stung by Razor's despairing cries,
0:30:50 > 0:30:54'I readjusted my priorities and gave it a right bloiter.'
0:30:55 > 0:30:59There you go! Oh, what a save! What a save!
0:30:59 > 0:31:01'It was a belter!'
0:31:06 > 0:31:08'And for Razor, it was the first stirrings
0:31:08 > 0:31:12'of a vague hope that the whole exercise wasn't a complete waste of time.'
0:31:12 > 0:31:15You can't come back failing, you know that?
0:31:15 > 0:31:17You have to do it for England.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19What will happen to me if I don't?
0:31:19 > 0:31:23I think people will hate you more than they already do.
0:31:23 > 0:31:28This is for your country. If you score, every England football fan... You'll be a hero, won't you?
0:31:28 > 0:31:31You'll be bigger than Beckham, imagine that!
0:31:31 > 0:31:33You get page three birds after you.
0:31:33 > 0:31:37'I just couldn't let Raquel, 21, from Essex, down.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39'It was time to do this properly.'
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Get your foot like your fist.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44At the last second, make your foot hard.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46- Your standing foot goes there. - Where was I putting it?
0:31:46 > 0:31:49You're coming from here, you're kicking from here.
0:31:49 > 0:31:54- Is it there, or is it there? About a ball's width. - Another ball's, yeah. Smash it.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58Don't look at the goalkeeper. Get in the zone. Number one, get in the zone.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Power!
0:32:01 > 0:32:02'And then...'
0:32:02 > 0:32:05Whoa, that was a good one. Just inside the post!
0:32:05 > 0:32:08Not even Jurgen the German would save that.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12'It was a thunderbolt, as if from the iron-clad boot of Thor himself!'
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Take ball.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17'And to disprove that lightning never strikes twice...'
0:32:19 > 0:32:22- How good did that feel? - Excellent.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28'Razor had taught me well, but there was more.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30'The pressure of match conditions.'
0:32:30 > 0:32:33I'll tell you what we're going to do. You've got to walk the walk.
0:32:33 > 0:32:37I'll be a German supporter behind the goal. You've got to do it for real.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40- You've got to get on the halfway line, and walk the walk, while I give you abuse.- OK.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43- See if you can do it. - It's BBC Two, remember.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46- It's on quite early in the evening. - Do they understand German, BBC Two?
0:32:46 > 0:32:49- Yeah, some of them will. Keep it German.- OK.
0:32:50 > 0:32:54'Alone on the pitch, I tried to imagine the horror of holding
0:32:54 > 0:32:58'a whole nation's sporting destiny in my quivering hands.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02'To make matters worse, Razor's impersonation of 50,000 hostile fans
0:33:02 > 0:33:05'was surprisingly convincing.'
0:33:05 > 0:33:07CROWD CHANTS
0:33:10 > 0:33:15GERMAN ACCENT: Ah, ja! English man! We want you to miss!
0:33:16 > 0:33:21Woo-hoo! Come on, sweetheart! Look at the state of him!
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Eh? Have a look at them legs!
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Seen more fat on a chip, mate!
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Pressure! The whole country's watching you!
0:33:28 > 0:33:31If you miss, you're nothing, son.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33In the zone, face, zone.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36What are you talking to me for? Get in the zone. You can't talk to the fans!
0:33:49 > 0:33:53I'll blow the whistle. WHISTLE
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Ooh! You mug! Everyone hates you now!
0:34:01 > 0:34:05You can't go back to England, you're going to have to stay in Germany!
0:34:05 > 0:34:08THEY LAUGH What a bad penalty, what happened?
0:34:08 > 0:34:11It was the German supporters, they put me off.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14- Was it?- Yeah, they're ugly.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16'Practice ends in disappointment.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20'If I'm to avoid a disastrous repeat performance on the big day,
0:34:20 > 0:34:24'I must remember the key points of the Razor sharp penalty procedure.'
0:34:24 > 0:34:27OK, here we go. This is the basics.
0:34:27 > 0:34:28Don't tell me. Let me see if I get it right.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31In the zone, get the face, hate the ball.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33Don't look at the goalie, short run-up,
0:34:33 > 0:34:36standing foot right of the ball, a ball's width away,
0:34:36 > 0:34:38kick the bottom of the ball, toe down,
0:34:38 > 0:34:40on the laces, aim at the top right-hand corner,
0:34:40 > 0:34:43shoulders square but get the ironing board out of your spine.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47What could be simpler? Then you go home either sick as a parrot or over the moon.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49'I sort of wish I hadn't got into this.
0:34:49 > 0:34:54'I've elected to make my limp right leg an ambassador for all England.
0:34:55 > 0:35:00'And in the cauldron of Gelsenkirchen, failure is not an option.'
0:35:07 > 0:35:10And now, boat-building.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16'This is Antony's Passage crossing near Plymouth.'
0:35:17 > 0:35:22Until 60 years ago it was a ferry crossing by prescriptive right,
0:35:22 > 0:35:25that is to say it had been there for so long that nobody could
0:35:25 > 0:35:28question it or interfere with its operation.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32It was mentioned in documents as long ago as 1324.
0:35:32 > 0:35:37'Small ferries were once as commonplace as abandoned shopping trolleys
0:35:37 > 0:35:40'on the inland waterways of Britain.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43'The building of small boats, in fact, was once a vital component
0:35:43 > 0:35:47'in maintaining the country's integrated public transport system.'
0:35:47 > 0:35:50But of course, with the coming of the family car,
0:35:50 > 0:35:53this ferry crossing was closed in 1952.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57But was that a good idea?
0:35:57 > 0:35:59'Ever since the ferry stopped sailing,
0:35:59 > 0:36:03'reaching Antony's Passage from Torpoint has become
0:36:03 > 0:36:07'a 16-mile journey by road, rather than the 416 yards across the water.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10'This leads us to a fatuous question.'
0:36:10 > 0:36:15What if, for example, you bought a two litre tub of ice-cream
0:36:15 > 0:36:17here in Torpoint, on this side of the water,
0:36:17 > 0:36:21because you had the vicar coming round for afternoon tea,
0:36:21 > 0:36:25but you live over there in Antony's Passage,
0:36:25 > 0:36:28and you don't drive?
0:36:30 > 0:36:37'This is exactly the problem facing Rita and Heather. They've stocked up on a two-for-one special on vanilla,
0:36:37 > 0:36:40'and with the vicar coming over for a Sunday sundae,
0:36:40 > 0:36:44'they must get home to Antony's Passage before it melts.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46'So that's a race.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49'Rita will be hiking the 16 miles around the bay by road.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53'But Heather drew the short straw and must rely on Man Lab.'
0:36:53 > 0:36:57Here then, finally, is an excuse to build a boat,
0:36:57 > 0:37:00and it's going to be a coracle.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05'So, while I start here on Operation Can We Dream Up An Excuse To Build A Coracle,
0:37:05 > 0:37:10'Rita is hot-footing it round the long way, chaperoned by Rory.'
0:37:11 > 0:37:16- So, ramblers aren't just getting up every morning, rambling straightaway? - Oh, no, no.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18A coracle is, in essence,
0:37:18 > 0:37:21a very large wickerwork basket made out of any springy wood,
0:37:21 > 0:37:26typically ash or willow, and then it's covered with an animal skin,
0:37:26 > 0:37:30although these days we'll be using a waterproof builder's plastic sheet.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33Now in centuries gone by, people would have to forage
0:37:33 > 0:37:37for their coracle-building materials in nearby woodland, but now
0:37:37 > 0:37:41we find, following the invention of fact-based television entertainment,
0:37:41 > 0:37:45that everything we need is in a very neat pile right here.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48'The first thing to know about coracle building is that,
0:37:48 > 0:37:51'unlike a normal boat, you build it upside-down.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55'Step one is to use these wooden pegs to carefully mark out
0:37:55 > 0:37:57'the boat's perimeter.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01'Then you position the dubiously titled "longitudinal members"
0:38:01 > 0:38:04'that will eventually be bent over to form the hull.
0:38:04 > 0:38:08'Coracle building is one of the oldest man skills in Britain.
0:38:08 > 0:38:13'Julius Caesar himself reported ancient Britons using them in 54BC.
0:38:13 > 0:38:18'And so to speed things up, I've invited an ancient Briton to help.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22'This is Peter, our coracle building expert.
0:38:22 > 0:38:26'It's already 3pm and the afternoon is marching on.
0:38:26 > 0:38:33'Peter and I need to finish by 5pm at the latest, if we're to catch the tide.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37'So at the moment, in the Great Man Lab Ice-cream Race of 2011,
0:38:37 > 0:38:39'we've still to leave the gates.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42'Meanwhile, though, Rita and Rory are storming ahead,
0:38:42 > 0:38:44'at almost four miles around the route.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47'But for Rita, it may have felt like a bit further.'
0:38:47 > 0:38:50What about those? What are those trees called?
0:38:50 > 0:38:52Fir trees, as far as I'm concerned.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55- But you're not sure?- No.- Right.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01'Peter and I get weaving, inserting strips of willow
0:39:01 > 0:39:04'in and out of our still upright members to form the sides,
0:39:04 > 0:39:07'or gunnels, of our upside-down coracle.
0:39:07 > 0:39:11So you end up, in effect, with a sort of knitted boat.
0:39:11 > 0:39:15'Each willow strip must snake inside and outside the uprights,
0:39:15 > 0:39:19'with each willow strip above that snaking the opposite way.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22'It's a surprisingly intricate procedure and if we get it wrong,
0:39:22 > 0:39:26our coracle will look far from ship-shape, as Peter explains.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29It'll be a mingy comumbus, as they say in Shropshire.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31- Do they?- Yeah.- What does that mean?
0:39:31 > 0:39:36A mingy comumbus, to describe it, you're going to a market
0:39:36 > 0:39:41with a basket full of butter, all rolled up nicely, all together in a basket,
0:39:41 > 0:39:45the sun gets on it, heats it, it sticks together and makes a mingy comumbus.
0:39:45 > 0:39:49A mingy comumbus. Sounds like "a right cock-up" in the Southeast.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Yes, an absolute muddle and mess.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55'With Heather's ice-cream becoming a mingy comumbus,
0:39:55 > 0:39:59'Peter drives the build forward at a speed that's, frankly,
0:39:59 > 0:40:02'terrifying for an elderly gentleman in tiny shorts.'
0:40:02 > 0:40:03Ow!
0:40:06 > 0:40:08'With our torn and uncomplaining hands,
0:40:08 > 0:40:10'we start to bend the ribs over.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15'Our mystical communion with ancient man is slightly lost on Heather.'
0:40:15 > 0:40:21How long do you think you're going to be? This ice-cream's melting.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24We'll be 15 minutes. Stay in the shade, please.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26Are you sure? Cos I could catch the bus.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29No! No, you can't catch the bus. There isn't one.
0:40:29 > 0:40:34'Whilst I re-explain the rules of the game to Heather, Rita and Rory
0:40:34 > 0:40:38'are well over halfway and fast closing in on Antony's Passage.
0:40:39 > 0:40:44'But back by the shore, suddenly, our coracle springs from the wood.'
0:40:45 > 0:40:49- Look at that!- There's our boat. - That's tremendous.
0:40:49 > 0:40:53'The only thing left to do is wrap the boat in plastic sheeting
0:40:53 > 0:40:56'and we're ready to go.'
0:40:56 > 0:40:58There you go, a complete coracle.
0:40:58 > 0:41:02It's not the showroom edition, it's slightly rough and ready, we've done it in a hurry.
0:41:02 > 0:41:06But it is not just part of the integrated transport solution,
0:41:06 > 0:41:11it is a specific transport solution for a specific journey,
0:41:11 > 0:41:16and this, apparently, is the traditional way of carrying one.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18- Heather!- I'm on my way.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21We're ready. Rita won't be there yet.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24The vicar must be bored to death.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30'To stay in the race we had to set sail immediately.
0:41:30 > 0:41:33'Incredibly, our pile of sticks seemed to be seaworthy.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36'There was even a ship's dog.'
0:41:39 > 0:41:41Here we go!
0:41:41 > 0:41:42For the first time in 60 years,
0:41:42 > 0:41:49Antony's Passage will be reached from the sea.
0:41:49 > 0:41:53It is no longer safe from invading forces,
0:41:53 > 0:41:56from the envy of less happy shores.
0:41:56 > 0:42:01See the blue boat to your left? Aim for that.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04That's easy for him to say, isn't it?
0:42:06 > 0:42:09'Finally, we have progress!
0:42:09 > 0:42:11'Look at that!
0:42:11 > 0:42:14'Unfortunately, Rory and Rita have now made it almost
0:42:14 > 0:42:17'all the way round the bay and are on the home straight.'
0:42:17 > 0:42:21- That's Antony's Passage there? - Yeah.- So we're that close? - We're that close.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24We're nearly there. I can almost taste it, Rita.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27I wonder if James is in the water yet.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30# And the stormy winds did blow
0:42:30 > 0:42:33# And we jolly sailor boys were up, up, up aloft
0:42:33 > 0:42:37# With the land-lubbers lying down below, below, below. #
0:42:37 > 0:42:42Oh, I've gone off course. I can't sing and row.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46'That's partly because rowing a coracle isn't like rowing any other boat.'
0:42:46 > 0:42:51You're suppose to move the oar in a very elongated figure of eight,
0:42:51 > 0:42:55so you have a little push there and a little push there.
0:42:55 > 0:42:59'But little pushes aren't going to cut it in this race.
0:42:59 > 0:43:02'If we're going to beat Rita and Rory, and serve the vicar
0:43:02 > 0:43:04'his definitely-not-melted ice-cream,
0:43:04 > 0:43:07'I must row like Sir Steve Redgrave.'
0:43:07 > 0:43:10We have absolutely no idea where Rita is,
0:43:10 > 0:43:13I don't think I can see her standing on the shore.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19- Where am I aiming for? - Just in front of our boat here.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21- Hang on a minute, "your boat"?! - Yeah.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25Well, why the bloody hell am I paddling this polythene bag
0:43:25 > 0:43:28across the bay if you've got that thing?!
0:43:28 > 0:43:31- Seriously, is that yours?- Yes!
0:43:31 > 0:43:32Oh, it's been a long day, Rita.
0:43:32 > 0:43:37- It's been a long day. - How much longer? - A long walk. Not very far now.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39We are almost there.
0:43:39 > 0:43:41I'm quite exhausted,
0:43:41 > 0:43:45but as Nelson said, I think, at the Battle of the Nile
0:43:45 > 0:43:47when he thought he'd been mortally wounded,
0:43:47 > 0:43:50"I am killed. Send regards to Mother!"
0:43:50 > 0:43:53Then he realised that he hadn't been killed at all
0:43:53 > 0:43:57and he was so excited and pleased he said, "Oh, kiss my Hardy."
0:43:57 > 0:43:59That's not true, I just made that up!
0:44:00 > 0:44:04Nobody panic in these last few feet.
0:44:05 > 0:44:07Hold it there.
0:44:07 > 0:44:10'Even though we'd landed we still weren't home and dry,
0:44:10 > 0:44:12'and the tricky process of getting out of a round-bottomed boat
0:44:12 > 0:44:15'was costing us valuable seconds.'
0:44:20 > 0:44:24How the hell do you do this? Here you are, madam.
0:44:33 > 0:44:37And welcome ashore. It wasn't that frightening, was it?
0:44:40 > 0:44:42I'm absolutely soaked.
0:44:43 > 0:44:46It's not perfect, but it has promise.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49Thank you very much for being my first passenger.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52Don't forget your ice-cream. The vicar will be disappointed.
0:44:52 > 0:44:56'We've done it! Heather just has time to change her trousers
0:44:56 > 0:45:01'before Rita and Rory and the Reverend turn up at the finish line.'
0:45:01 > 0:45:03I'm so pleased I've come for the tea!
0:45:03 > 0:45:05Good, we're glad to have you.
0:45:05 > 0:45:10'The maiden voyage of the good ship Mingy Comumbus is an unparalleled success.'
0:45:11 > 0:45:14Well, I suppose, for many centuries, a stretch of water like that
0:45:14 > 0:45:17was an enormous obstacle to human progress.
0:45:17 > 0:45:22All you actually need in the end to conquer that social
0:45:22 > 0:45:27and indeed philosophical divide is the sticks of the forest
0:45:27 > 0:45:30and a plastic ground sheet.
0:45:30 > 0:45:32And that's it.
0:45:33 > 0:45:36'And so, my job done, I row away,
0:45:36 > 0:45:40'marvelling at the ingenuity of ancient man, but wondering
0:45:40 > 0:45:44'why it took him so long to come up with the outboard motor.'
0:45:46 > 0:45:48So, there you are.
0:45:48 > 0:45:50If you live near a disused ferry crossing
0:45:50 > 0:45:54and you're bored of taking the long way round and you don't have a car,
0:45:54 > 0:45:57and the water's reasonably calm and the distances aren't too great
0:45:57 > 0:46:00and somebody's left a pile of coracle-building materials
0:46:00 > 0:46:04in a convenient clearing in a nearby woodland, you know what to do.
0:46:18 > 0:46:20Ah!
0:46:20 > 0:46:24David Drumsticks writes in to say, "I live up a dark alleyway
0:46:24 > 0:46:28"and at night I really need a torch to find my way to the front door.
0:46:28 > 0:46:32"Unfortunately, I keep forgetting to take it with me. Any suggestions?"
0:46:32 > 0:46:34Well, the obvious answer to this, David Drumsticks,
0:46:34 > 0:46:38is to wear a head torch but unfortunately they do tend to make
0:46:38 > 0:46:42you look like a complete idiot and they encourage dogs to urinate
0:46:42 > 0:46:47on your leg if you stand in one place for more than ten seconds. So we've come up with something better.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56Why not incorporate the torch idea into something you know
0:46:56 > 0:47:00you're going to take with you whatever? For example, your boots.
0:47:00 > 0:47:03We've decided to fit these coarse Victorian boots with
0:47:03 > 0:47:06futuristic light-emitting diodes, or LEDs.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09'The LEDs will go in the toe of the boot,
0:47:09 > 0:47:12'with the circuit and batteries towards the heel.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14'A bit of metal on the side of the boot should
0:47:14 > 0:47:17'work like an on-off switch when I click my heels together, a bit like
0:47:17 > 0:47:21'Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz, but with clodhoppers and more stubble.
0:47:21 > 0:47:25'So, all this means I get to do my fifth favourite thing in the world, soldering.'
0:47:25 > 0:47:27Now just hang on while I steady my trembling...
0:47:27 > 0:47:29Do you want to lean on something?
0:47:29 > 0:47:31Why don't you lean on that? That's it...
0:47:31 > 0:47:34'With the diode wired up, we completely
0:47:34 > 0:47:37'naff our chances of returning these boots for a refund by drilling
0:47:37 > 0:47:41'a big hole in the toe and forcing the LED in with some pliers.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43'The wires will be connected via a simple circuit board
0:47:43 > 0:47:46'to the batteries, all contained within the hollowed-out sole.'
0:47:46 > 0:47:50"That'll do," comes the cry of the perfectionist down the ages.
0:47:50 > 0:47:53Don't show that too close, in case electronics enthusiasts are watching.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56'Lastly we drill two more screws into the boot
0:47:56 > 0:47:59'and solder the wires on, almost completing our circuit.
0:47:59 > 0:48:03'However, we're not quite there yet, so to make them fully operational,
0:48:03 > 0:48:06'we drill another screw into the opposite shoe, thus making it possible
0:48:06 > 0:48:10'to complete the circuit and turn the light on and off with a simple tap.'
0:48:10 > 0:48:15- There you go, not bad! - It's quite good, isn't it? - That is good.
0:48:15 > 0:48:18'Unfortunately, doing the other boot took a really long time,
0:48:18 > 0:48:21'and watching two long-sighted middle-aged blokes
0:48:21 > 0:48:24'fumble about with wires really doesn't make good television.
0:48:26 > 0:48:28So, there you go, that's those finished, then.
0:48:28 > 0:48:30- There you go. - Shall I try them out?
0:48:30 > 0:48:32Yeah, go and try them out.
0:48:35 > 0:48:39Right, here's how we're going to test the headlamp boots.
0:48:39 > 0:48:41Here we are in the seating area of the Man Lab
0:48:41 > 0:48:45and if we walk this way, past all these many and varied obstacles
0:48:45 > 0:48:47that we have around the place, past our bar that we built,
0:48:47 > 0:48:51the kitchen we built in the last series, the railway bridge,
0:48:51 > 0:48:56Sim's workshop, Sam's workshop, this bloke who I've never met before with the trolley,
0:48:56 > 0:49:00the organ, the canisters, the wires,
0:49:00 > 0:49:02a very hazardous piece of wire here,
0:49:02 > 0:49:04the punch bag and the filing cabinet,
0:49:04 > 0:49:08we arrive at the door of my office which, for the purposes of this experiment,
0:49:08 > 0:49:12is our correspondent Mr David Drumsticks' front door.
0:49:12 > 0:49:15Now let's go back to the beginning and do it at night.
0:49:15 > 0:49:17Let the experiment begin.
0:49:18 > 0:49:20Boots on!
0:49:25 > 0:49:27Hang on.
0:49:27 > 0:49:30I don't want them flashing, I want normal boot.
0:49:30 > 0:49:33That's off and that's on.
0:49:33 > 0:49:39Here we go. OK, I'm ready to make my way and this is fantastic.
0:49:39 > 0:49:43I can see quite clearly that there is the front wheel of the unmendable motorcycle.
0:49:43 > 0:49:46As I go, you see, no chance whatsoever of hitting...
0:49:46 > 0:49:50- CRASHING - ..of hitting that.
0:49:50 > 0:49:54Moving across the otherwise pitch-black room, there's a box of stuff Sim has left.
0:49:54 > 0:49:57There's the edge of the compressor, some boxes, stepladder.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59Be very careful not to walk into that.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02There's that bloke again who I've never met.
0:50:02 > 0:50:05I'm making my way very easily to the front door where
0:50:05 > 0:50:06I have to put the code in.
0:50:06 > 0:50:09Oh, yeah. I hadn't thought of this, actually.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11Erm, I'm going to have to lift my leg up.
0:50:11 > 0:50:14Cos this, this doesn't, it doesn't use a key, it's one of those,
0:50:14 > 0:50:18one of those press things.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21This is a good stretching exercise, it's quite yogic.
0:50:22 > 0:50:25There we go! Ta-da!
0:50:26 > 0:50:32Those are, without question, the finest boots I've ever seen or used.
0:50:33 > 0:50:37These, though, I'm not so sure about.
0:50:43 > 0:50:49'It's the day of my sporting date with destiny. Bugger.
0:50:49 > 0:50:53'My mission, to score a single penalty from the very spot where
0:50:53 > 0:50:57'England failed in the 2006 World Cup.'
0:50:57 > 0:51:03'He steps up. Oh, and it's saved. It's another penalty disaster for England!'
0:51:03 > 0:51:05'I've been training hard.
0:51:05 > 0:51:09'My performance has been scientifically analysed by state-of-the-art laboratories.'
0:51:09 > 0:51:12Am I the worst player you've ever had in here?
0:51:12 > 0:51:15'I've benefited from elite professional coaching.'
0:51:15 > 0:51:17You mug! Everyone hates you now!
0:51:19 > 0:51:23'But as the stadium fills with thousands of hostile fans,
0:51:23 > 0:51:29'I begin to realise what a hideous ordeal it must be to take a genuinely vital penalty.'
0:51:40 > 0:51:45Well, I'm in the changing room with ten minutes to go.
0:51:45 > 0:51:48I'm only going out there to kick a football.
0:51:48 > 0:51:50It doesn't matter, does it?
0:51:50 > 0:51:52And yet it really does matter, somehow.
0:51:53 > 0:51:58And I slightly regret agreeing to do it because,
0:51:58 > 0:52:02well, I accepted at the age of eight I was useless at football
0:52:02 > 0:52:04and that was 40 years ago
0:52:04 > 0:52:08and now I'm just going to make an absolute donkey of myself
0:52:08 > 0:52:12and disappoint an enormous number of people,
0:52:12 > 0:52:14ruin my career and as I've often feared,
0:52:14 > 0:52:20I'll have to run a small provincial shoe shop for the rest of my life.
0:52:21 > 0:52:23'Hang on.
0:52:23 > 0:52:27'This is defeatist rubbish. I know I can score.
0:52:27 > 0:52:29'I've done it in training.'
0:52:29 > 0:52:31That was a good one!
0:52:31 > 0:52:34'So to keep me focussed I've smuggled Razor Ruddock into Germany,
0:52:34 > 0:52:37'through the oversized channel.'
0:52:37 > 0:52:39See James, you've got understand
0:52:39 > 0:52:43this goes far beyond the boundaries of football.
0:52:43 > 0:52:46This is life. It means a lot to people.
0:52:46 > 0:52:50To an aesthete, it is an art form, an athletic ballet.
0:52:50 > 0:52:53To the spiritually inclined, it is a religion.
0:52:53 > 0:52:55Jean Paul Sartre?
0:52:55 > 0:52:58No Paul Gardner, used to play for Blackpool.
0:52:58 > 0:53:00I know what he meant.
0:53:00 > 0:53:04C'mon, ten minutes, son. Put that all aside...
0:53:04 > 0:53:06- Right. Hate the ball! - You've got to get focussed.
0:53:06 > 0:53:09Zone, remember the zone? Get in the zone.
0:53:09 > 0:53:12- Get in the zone. - Zone, hate the ball. Hate him.
0:53:12 > 0:53:14In your mind's eye you can see yourself scoring a goal.
0:53:14 > 0:53:19I'm hating the ball. Why do I hate it?
0:53:19 > 0:53:23Cos you're going to smash it past the goalkeeper you hate even more.
0:53:23 > 0:53:27We'll call this football Hammond.
0:53:27 > 0:53:30I hate it, I hate you...
0:53:30 > 0:53:32Feel that hate.
0:53:32 > 0:53:37Deep loathing. Deep, deep, deep loathing of this...
0:53:37 > 0:53:38KNOCKING
0:53:38 > 0:53:43I think it's time to go, son, I think it's time.
0:53:43 > 0:53:47C'mon, England. Think of England. Think of England.
0:53:47 > 0:53:50I'll think of England without lying back. More, more!
0:54:09 > 0:54:15'Some, when faced with destiny, feel the hand of history upon their shoulder.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19'All I had was the giant hairy bear paw of Ruddock.
0:54:19 > 0:54:23'It'll have to do.'
0:54:23 > 0:54:25Now get out there and show me what you can do! Go on, son.
0:54:37 > 0:54:41CROWD CHANT
0:54:51 > 0:54:53Go on, son!
0:54:55 > 0:54:57Oh, no!
0:55:03 > 0:55:05WHISTLE BLOWS
0:55:13 > 0:55:17'This was for the fallen heroes of England's doomed campaigns.
0:55:17 > 0:55:22'For the souls of Beckham and Batty, and Southgate and Ince.
0:55:28 > 0:55:30'And as Rupert Brooke might have said,
0:55:30 > 0:55:33'had he managed to get a ticket,
0:55:33 > 0:55:36' "If I should miss, think only this of me,
0:55:36 > 0:55:42' "that there is a corner of some foreign field that is forever England nil." '
0:55:42 > 0:55:46Come on! The side!
0:55:51 > 0:55:53This is the big moment.
0:55:53 > 0:55:56WHISTLE BLOWS
0:56:11 > 0:56:13'I've cocked it up.'
0:56:13 > 0:56:16CROWD CHEER
0:56:23 > 0:56:26I've seen your Beckhams miss, I've seen your Inces, your Battys,
0:56:26 > 0:56:29your Gerrards, Lampards, miss.
0:56:29 > 0:56:35That is the worst performance I have ever seen by an Englishman on a football field!
0:56:35 > 0:56:37Disgusting!
0:56:43 > 0:56:47'To paraphrase the great Glen Hoddle, I'd let the fans down,
0:56:47 > 0:56:53'I'd let my country down, but most importantly, I'd let Man Lab down.
0:56:53 > 0:56:56'And it had all been going so well.
0:56:58 > 0:57:01'We had navigated the toughest terrain,
0:57:01 > 0:57:05'and built sturdy altars to the spirit of sporting fraternity.
0:57:05 > 0:57:09'We had confronted our fears and reached for the stars.
0:57:09 > 0:57:13'We had wrought transports of delight, and brought forth
0:57:13 > 0:57:17'from the dank fog of confusion, a sunlit dawn for all mankind.
0:57:19 > 0:57:22'But for all our hard-won triumphs there lies within us all
0:57:22 > 0:57:26'an eternal frailty, a hardwired capacity for error.
0:57:28 > 0:57:33'We are, despite our vaulted ambitions, only men.'
0:57:38 > 0:57:41That, I'm afraid, brings us to the end of the current series of Man Lab,
0:57:41 > 0:57:47the programme that hopes to bridge the age-old divide between the arts and sciences
0:57:47 > 0:57:52and between craft and creativity. And we conclude with a man who, more than anybody else,
0:57:52 > 0:57:55embodies the true spirit of Man Lab.
0:57:55 > 0:57:58He is a mechanic the equal of Thomas Newcomen,
0:57:58 > 0:58:03a musician the peer of Beethoven, an artist with the soul of Pissarro
0:58:03 > 0:58:08and the beating, lyrical heart of Thomas Campion, 1567-1620.
0:58:08 > 0:58:13Most importantly, though, he is an unmitigated optimist.
0:58:13 > 0:58:17It's goodbye from us, and from the man they know simply as "Paul".
0:58:38 > 0:58:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:40 > 0:58:42E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk