0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hello and welcome to series three
0:00:05 > 0:00:07of the non-award-winning, Man Lab.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Welcome, in fact, to our new Man Lab,
0:00:09 > 0:00:11because we were thrown out of the old one.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14But, like caravanners, we have brought with us
0:00:14 > 0:00:16the comforting trappings of home.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Here is our concrete kitchen and here, our bar.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Over here, we see our amazeballs,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25multi-function Swiss Army bicycle
0:00:25 > 0:00:28and this, of course, is our home-made pool table.
0:00:28 > 0:00:33In this dusty den, we will continue our quest to rid modern man
0:00:33 > 0:00:36of his own burgeoning incompetence.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56'Hanging from tonight's pendulous tool belt of small triumphs...'
0:00:56 > 0:00:59In Compliance is with them...
0:00:59 > 0:01:01'We horse about at the Grand National.'
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Stupid Sunglasses puts on a massive spurt, he doesn't quite catch up...
0:01:05 > 0:01:08He should be in an institution!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10'Turn Rory Barker into an absolute rotter.'
0:01:10 > 0:01:15You know when you find a Twix on the ground...? It tastes like that.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18'And go for a vigorous bike ride - in a broom cupboard.'
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Rollercoast... Whaaaaa!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Wow! Whoa!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26TOOT-TOOT
0:01:26 > 0:01:28But more of all that later on.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Now, just a few weeks ago,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I was sitting here in my new Man Lab office
0:01:32 > 0:01:35when the telephone rang, and it was a man from BBC Sports.
0:01:35 > 0:01:40And he said, "Would you like to try commentating on the Grand National?"
0:01:40 > 0:01:42"No," I said.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49The Grand National.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52It's the greatest steeplechase on Earth.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56600 million people watch globally
0:01:56 > 0:02:00and they bet half a billion pounds on the 40 horses taking part.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Thousand pound double - Liverpool and Ballabriggs.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Rare Bob!- Shakalakaboomboom!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Because so much is riding on it, second by second,
0:02:10 > 0:02:15ruthlessly accurate commentary is vital to the success of the event.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18It's a job requiring a brilliant memory,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20expertise and nerves of steel.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24And that's why it's left to experts.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26On the other hand, it might be quite amusing to have a go.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28So, in three days' time
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I'm going to do the Grand National commentary,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32live, on the BBC Red Button,
0:02:32 > 0:02:37and online, broadcasting round the world to millions.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40'I know bugger all about horses, but fortunately, in an overcast
0:02:40 > 0:02:43'field in Somerset, there lives a man who does.'
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Apparently, he's so good with horses,
0:02:46 > 0:02:48he can recognise them by their faces.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52'This is David Pipe,
0:02:52 > 0:02:56'world-famous horse trainer and Grand National winner, 2008.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58'What better person to educate this equestrian pedestrian?'
0:02:58 > 0:03:00So they walk, and if they slack,
0:03:00 > 0:03:04it punts them up the arse and they have to get going again?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Correct, yeah.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09And do you know what these horses... Can you recognise them?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Yeah, we can, we're with them every day.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15That's American Art, there.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- That's Regal County. - American Art, Regal County...
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Weekend Millionaire, he's got a big white face.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23My Brother Sylvest,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Quilinton...- Why do they have these elaborate names?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- Why aren't they called...? - And then we're back to American Art.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31American Art...
0:03:31 > 0:03:35After American Art, it is My Brother David.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- No, that's...- Regal County. - Regal County,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40American Millionaire. No.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- Weekend Millionaire. - Weekend Millionaire.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44My Brother Sylvester.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Take Over Sivola.- Take Over...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- My brother Sylvester. - Woodlark Island...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Woodlark Island, My Brother Sylvester.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Is it? On Khee...
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- On Khee... - My Brother Sylvester.- Yes!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00'There are 40 horses in this year's National
0:04:00 > 0:04:02and unless they all walk round in a circle
0:04:02 > 0:04:05'and they're all called My Honkhee Sylvester, I'm a bit stuffed.'
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Whose idea was this? This is impossible.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11White bit down the middle of the face, Regal County...
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- Weekend Millionaire. - Weekend Millionaire. God...
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Fortunately, I don't actually have to be able to remember
0:04:17 > 0:04:23the horses' faces. Unfortunately, it's more complicated than that.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Here we have Rory, dressed as a typical jockey.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Now, the boots and the breeches, they are standard,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33all the jockeys will wear the same ones, but then,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35as we move up the body
0:04:35 > 0:04:40of the finely-honed equestrian athlete, we come to the silks.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Now, the colour scheme of the silks represents
0:04:43 > 0:04:47the owner of the racehorse, and the cap will match,
0:04:47 > 0:04:51unless the owner has several horses in the same race,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54in which case, each rider will wear a different cap, in order that
0:04:54 > 0:04:56the commentator can distinguish between them.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00And then, each horse will have a number on it and then,
0:05:00 > 0:05:05one week before the race, the jockeys themselves will be chosen.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07But the jockey is the least of our worries.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09You don't bet on the jockey, you bet on the horse,
0:05:09 > 0:05:13and the commentator talks about the horses, less about the men.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16All these colours are here to help him
0:05:16 > 0:05:21know what the hell he's looking at and what he's talking about.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23And that's about all there is to it.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31JAMES LAUGHS
0:05:33 > 0:05:36It won't stop.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39So, it's a simple matter of memorising 40 sets of silks
0:05:39 > 0:05:41and their corresponding numbers.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43But the most things I've ever remembered is five,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46so it's time for some help.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50'Dominic O'Brien has been World Memory Champion eight times.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54'He can recall the correct order of 54 packs of playing cards,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57'and has at least 12 serious "remembering" faces.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00'So, remembering a bunch of midgets on horses should be a doddle.'
0:06:00 > 0:06:06I've written down here ten random Grand National winners,
0:06:06 > 0:06:10and their odds, from 1900 to 2000.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Mm-hm.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Who won in 1980?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17In 1980...
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Er, that was a horse called
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Ben Nevis.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Am I right?- You are.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30And I think the odds were 40-1.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31You're right!
0:06:34 > 0:06:35No, there are no mirrors.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39I'm using a very old method, called loci.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42It was invented by the Greeks and then the Romans started to use it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44It's the use of places, journeys.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47So, typically, I use a golf course.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Every golfer can remember the layout of the golf course,
0:06:50 > 0:06:5118 holes and fairways,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54so that preserves the order of the information.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57So when you gave me a year, or a horse,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I could see that horse positioned along a journey.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03And all the information related to that, I translate into images.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06'Unfortunately, I don't play golf.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09'So there isn't even any information about golf
0:07:09 > 0:07:14'on my imaginary golf course, but we can use the hotel garden instead.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16'We begin by turning the silks of the first 15 horses
0:07:16 > 0:07:18'into what's called associated images.'
0:07:18 > 0:07:23OK, so number one, I shall hold it up for the viewers, is Synchronised.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Yellow and green stripy silks.- Yes.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Well, what I'm thinking of is synchronised swimmers.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33It looks like a swimming pool, with lanes.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35So that's how I'm connecting the two.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Ballabriggs is like "bricks",
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- and bricks are arranged like that in a Flemish bond.- Yes.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42So Ballabriggs, bricks.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Do you know anybody called Al?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Yes, I do.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Is he a bit weird? Imagine him as a bit weird.- That's quite easy.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What's the significance with the round...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Well, he doesn't have any hair, actually,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55so his hair is quite smooth.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Put you to the test - in no particular order...
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- What is this?- Midnight Chase.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Who's this?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Er, baldy Weird Al.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05- Burton Port.- Yeah.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10Mmm... It's yellow and green again, and they're horizontal hoops.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13'Bizarrely, this was actually starting to work.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15'But linking silks to names was only half the battle.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17'To learn the horses' numbers,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21'it was time to put the loci method into practice.'
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Start over here, we're going to stop at 15 places.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- So number one, Synchronised... - This is number one.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Green and yellow. Hoops.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Is that right?- You're thinking of synchronised swimming,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36so this could be the steps down to a swimming pool.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37This is stage number one.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40OK, steps, swimming pool.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45- Synchronised - hoops, green and yellow, number 1.- OK.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Stage number two
0:08:48 > 0:08:51is this horse, which is...
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Er, Billabriggs.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- Or Ballabriggs.- Ballabriggs.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56So we've got some bricks here.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Yeah. Like his green and yellow silks.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Stage number two. Two shoe...
0:09:02 > 0:09:07- So imagine kicking a ball onto the bricks.- Two shoe. Number 2.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- The ball onto the bricks.- Two shoe, Ballabriggs, green and yellow.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13'This sounds like rubbish.'
0:09:13 > 0:09:16'Shoes, pool, number two, bricks and hoops, and that's a horse.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18'But trust me, it works.'
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Three tree...- Midnight Chase.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Three tree, and you're noticing...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Ah, yes. Looks like the silks.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27The silks in the background.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30So it's the tree, and you noticing its midnight.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33'This imaginary golf course, which is actually a garden,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36'allows me to associate horses' names with their riders' colours.'
0:09:36 > 0:09:40'Now, each location is used to conjure up the right number.'
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- Is that Neptune Collonges? - Yes, it is.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45It is the bloke with the colon problem.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Oh, there's the water tank. Neptune rising up with his Trident.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Now, 8, what does it make you think of?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Ate... I 'ate having piles.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- Neptune hates having piles. - Moving on swiftly!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59'In practice, all this goes on in the privacy of your own head -
0:09:59 > 0:10:01'So you don't sound like Geoffrey Rush in Shine.'
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Jewish... Casino...
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Roberto Goldback.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Baker's dozen, 13, Highway Star, Deep Purple.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Planet of Sound... Sheriff's colon.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Upside down V6... 9... Alfa Beat.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15'Showtime!'
0:10:15 > 0:10:18For the moment of truth, James, I'm going to show you a colour
0:10:18 > 0:10:21of a horse - I want you to go to it,
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- shout the number out and the horse name.- OK.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- Can I go?- Go. Off you go.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I know what that is - I shall tell you why I know what that is,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30cos it's over here...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35It's station number 11, which is the benches,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37and they look like an 11,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39and also 11 is unleavened bread
0:10:39 > 0:10:41because it's the Jewish bloke who runs a casino,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43which is why it's got the gold playing cards
0:10:43 > 0:10:45and it's Roberto Goldback.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Is correct!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50'If you think I'm faking this, like Milli Vanilli or Derren Brown,
0:10:50 > 0:10:52'I promise I'm not.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55'This hotel garden is being described in a way that its designer
0:10:55 > 0:10:59'probably never intended, but I'm not getting a single horse wrong.'
0:10:59 > 0:11:02The number is 9, which is the upside-down V6,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05because Alfa Beat is the Alfa Romeo V6 engine
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and the clover leaf's on the grass
0:11:07 > 0:11:10and it's a green stripe, er, green silk, with a gold V on it.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Is correct.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15'Hole in one!'
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Well done, James.- Thank you very much.- Almost 100%.- Mr Memory.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21I never imagined I'd be able to do that,
0:11:21 > 0:11:25because I've always been rubbish at remembering things.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- But that's a technique that anybody can use?- Yes.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30We've literally walked through the horses.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32You walk a course, you make an association,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34and then you get the number in the pattern.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38So, to test the viewers at home...
0:11:39 > 0:11:42..what number horse is that and what is it called?
0:11:42 > 0:11:47Send your answers to...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Remember to mark your subject line,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"All Right, I Cheated And Rewound The Programme."
0:11:55 > 0:11:58'The night before the National, I realise that by memory victory
0:11:58 > 0:12:00'is a bit hollow.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03'I've loci'd the first 15 horses, but that still leaves
0:12:03 > 0:12:05'25 called Sylvester,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07'shrouded in brown whinnying mystery...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09'with a white bit on its face.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11'And talking of unforgettable faces,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13'maybe Rory can help.'
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I'll put them all up on the board, every single horse.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20'Each Grand National commentator
0:12:20 > 0:12:22'is required to have what's known as a spotter -
0:12:22 > 0:12:25'a second person, who keeps an eye on the proceedings
0:12:25 > 0:12:28'and alerts the commentator to anything he might have missed,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30'such as the race.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32'Rory has just been promoted.'
0:12:32 > 0:12:37- You're standing there, you're looking around. Acting a bit foolish. - OK. I've got my headset on.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40And I'll be up here on the board, at all times.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45So if I see or hear that they've gone down at a jump,
0:12:45 > 0:12:46I'll put a line through it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Then, once you've mentioned it in your commentary -
0:12:49 > 0:12:52"In Compliance has gone down" - then it can go off.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Yeah. See, I like this.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57'Of course, this does require Rory to have as good
0:12:57 > 0:12:59'a recollection of the 40 horses as I do.'
0:13:10 > 0:13:12'Bugger.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14'And then, real disaster strikes.'
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- The Jewish casino with the Italian bloke in, he's gone.- Oh, has he?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- And so has...- Where's he gone?
0:13:21 > 0:13:26Well, he's dropped out of it. And so has Apt Approach...
0:13:26 > 0:13:27'Tom, the director,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30'has just found out that several horses have dropped out of the race.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35'The remaining horses have all had their numbers changed to compensate.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40'Almost everything I've been remembering up to this point is wrong.'
0:13:40 > 0:13:42All I know now with any certainty, following the dropouts
0:13:42 > 0:13:47of all the baker's and what have you, is the first ten.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49'It's going to be a very long night.'
0:13:53 > 0:13:55So, 12...
0:13:55 > 0:13:59used to be Black Appalachi.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Which is now 8.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05It's like being at the Valley of the Kings, with those Egyptian
0:14:05 > 0:14:09signs on the wall, it's just a lot of this and this.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13It's just rubbish, and I haven't learned them properly.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18And I thought we'd be clever and Rory could push some cards around and I'd just read it off...
0:14:18 > 0:14:22In fact, the pace of the thing is so fantastically rapid,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25we've barely got time to say the name of a horse before
0:14:25 > 0:14:29something else has happened or somebody's fallen off or overtaken.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31It is actually going out to millions of people -
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I know you think it's on the Red Button,
0:14:33 > 0:14:37but it's all over the world, and there could be some
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Chinese betting syndicate and they've sold all their bicycles and pooled their money
0:14:41 > 0:14:44and put it on...I don't know, Calgary Bay
0:14:44 > 0:14:45and I'll say it's won and it hasn't,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47and they'll go off and spend it all on drink
0:14:47 > 0:14:51and, in actual fact, they're completely broke and homeless and it'll be my fault.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56'Coming up... I'm not the only one to have my doubts.'
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- You're not going to give the winner, are you?- No.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00You don't know the jockeys, at all?
0:15:00 > 0:15:04'No. And that's exactly what I said to the man from BBC Sports in the first place.'
0:15:04 > 0:15:06And it's off...!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Now, I'd like to take a moment to talk about pizza.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18At once, both the indulgence of Italian royalty
0:15:18 > 0:15:20and the sustenance of the peasantry,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24it's been with us in one form or another for many hundreds of years.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25But now what?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29It's turned into a, sort of, last-ditch default foodstuff
0:15:29 > 0:15:33for the terminally idle, delivered by a feckless halfwit,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36and barely distinguishable from the cardboard box it comes in.
0:15:36 > 0:15:42It is an insult to the memory of Queen Margherita, 1851-1926, herself.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45We fancy a nice pizza
0:15:45 > 0:15:48and, of course, we could ring out for one, but any idiot can ride a moped.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51We are going to make one,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53and immediately we come across a problem,
0:15:53 > 0:15:57because so far in the Man Lab, we have been making do with this
0:15:57 > 0:15:59rather feeble electric pie warmer,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02and it simply isn't good enough for our purposes,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04it won't reach the required temperature.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06So, to make our pizza,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10first we have to make a pizza oven.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18'Pizza has been around since ages.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20'Every nation lays claim to inventing it,
0:16:20 > 0:16:24'but we know it must be Italian, because all pizzas have Italian names -
0:16:24 > 0:16:27'Quattro Formaggi, Margherita, or American Hot.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31'So chief engineer Simmy and I have decided to build our pizza oven
0:16:31 > 0:16:34'in the style of one found in the ruins of old Pompeii.'
0:16:34 > 0:16:38So it's half a sphere, with a doorway at the front.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43We're going to make up a steel frame, which is going to be quite high, so you can get a look in.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48Then on top of the steel frame, we're going to have some insulation board,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50quite thick, about 50-60 mil thick.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53So that'll keep the heat away from the frame.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55So we'll put those on top.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58'It's odd to think that the people in Pompeii were so busy
0:16:58 > 0:17:00'cooking with an oven like this, they didn't notice
0:17:00 > 0:17:04'there was a massive natural pizza oven nearby, until it was too late.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08'But there you go. Right, step one - cement and stack our bricks.'
0:17:08 > 0:17:13One clay, one cement, one lime, three-part sand...
0:17:13 > 0:17:18'Helping us out is Tony, a Kiwi with three world titles in cement mixing.'
0:17:18 > 0:17:21One of our ambitions on Man Lab is to become the first programme
0:17:21 > 0:17:24in television history to actually show you paint drying.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28But we're going to build you up gradually to that, by showing you cement being mixed first.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31'Cor!'
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- Come on, then, let's just have a go and see what happens.- Go on, then.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37'We are using what are known as fire bricks, which have a high
0:17:37 > 0:17:40'aluminium oxide content, so they don't melt when the oven's on.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43'Once we've put down the few bricks that are the corners,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45'we can butter up the others with cement
0:17:45 > 0:17:47'and then stack them round the edge like dominoes.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49'The game - not the pizza.'
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I've got a brick fact, actually.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Did you know the actress Whoopi Goldberg
0:17:54 > 0:17:58trained as a bricklayer before she became famous in films?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Didn't know that.- The only time in history it's been acceptable
0:18:01 > 0:18:03to be able to see a builder's buttocks.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:08'Hours later, I realised I actually meant Goldie Hawn,
0:18:08 > 0:18:09'which would explain the confused laughter.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11'Anyway, let's speed this up a bit.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15'We're using a polystyrene mould to shape our arches, much the same way
0:18:15 > 0:18:18'the Romans would have built arches with a wooden former.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20'Whilst we're waiting for the bricks to set,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23'we also decide that our attractive dead-Smurf turquoise walls
0:18:23 > 0:18:25'just aren't Mediterranean enough,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28'so it's time for a Man Lab makeover.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31'Ten hours later and, as the Ancient Romans would have said,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33'it's looking pretty ruddy decorus.'
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Sim and Tony have continued the brick courses, whilst I've
0:18:37 > 0:18:40been off poncing around doing something else,
0:18:40 > 0:18:41and it's almost finished -
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Tony's going to put the capstone in, then we're going to lag it,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46with this, then on top of that
0:18:46 > 0:18:50we're going to put some chicken wire to keep it all stable and then we're going to render it,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52so then the whole thing will be cementy.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Except, we think, this bit, which we're going to leave exposed, cos we rather like it.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00'Admittedly the Romans didn't have this stuff, but then they weren't very good at fire prevention.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02'As we've seen.'
0:19:02 > 0:19:06It should be capable of producing about 700 or 800 degrees inside,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09but you should be able to lean on it casually, for the one
0:19:09 > 0:19:12and a half to two minutes it takes your pizza to cook
0:19:12 > 0:19:14without burning yourself at all, it will merely be nice
0:19:14 > 0:19:15and warm to the touch.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Cats will lie on it,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20whilst pizza's being cooked. I've got some of that in my mouth.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24'While I choke to death in the corner,
0:19:24 > 0:19:28'Tony takes it upon himself to drill the hole in the wall for the flue,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30'in completely the wrong place.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33'While we try to work out what on earth to do about this,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36'Tony is relegated to capstone duty.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39'The capstone is the single brick that supports the entire structure,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42'just like St Peter's Basilica in Rome,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44'but without the tourists, or dead popes.'
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Perfect.- 'Capstone in, and we can continue to make our oven
0:19:48 > 0:19:50'look, perversely, like a big igloo.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53'And Simmy's even solved our flue pipe problem,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56'with the judicious use of a sledgehammer.'
0:19:56 > 0:19:59After a great deal of careful analytical work by Simmy
0:19:59 > 0:20:03on a computer, he has worked out that the flue needs to be this
0:20:03 > 0:20:07rather unusual shape, but trust us, this is the best.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09This will work superbly.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11'I'm clearly awful at covering things up
0:20:11 > 0:20:13'but, thankfully, Simmy is slightly better.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16'So we leave it to him to render the outside of the oven,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18'while we go out for a pizza.'
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Simmy has rendered all of this overnight.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25It's absolutely fantastic, and we're ready to light the first fire.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27We're doing this properly, by making...
0:20:29 > 0:20:34Thank you. ..a small pyramid out of extremely dry newspaper,
0:20:34 > 0:20:38and then extremely dry pieces of wood and kindling.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Have a look at this in here.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42As any boy or girl scout would tell you,
0:20:42 > 0:20:45if you do this properly and keep building up the layers
0:20:45 > 0:20:49of the pyramid, you can light a blazing inferno with a single match.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53But to be on the safe side, we're going to use Simmy's blowtorch.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Here we go.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02We will gradually add more wood.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04It will gradually dry out the brick floor
0:21:04 > 0:21:08and soot the inside of the thing up, ready for our first pizza, in...
0:21:08 > 0:21:12I don't know, about five or six hours' time. Something like that.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Tremendous. Look at that go.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Is the flue working? I think it is.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- SIMMY LAUGHS - Maybe... Maybe it isn't.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26THEY LAUGH
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- There we go. It's working now. - Yeah, look at that draw on there.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Look at the draw on that. It's just rushing up the chimney.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37'So, with the flames blazing like the Great Fire of Rome -
0:21:37 > 0:21:42'19th July, 64 AD - our pizza oven is nearly complete.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44'But as we don't have the Emperor Nero to play the fiddle
0:21:44 > 0:21:47'while the fires rage, we need to accompany our oven
0:21:47 > 0:21:50'with some other Roman flourish - a mosaic.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52'Actually, technically, this is more of a collage,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54'but we only had half an hour.'
0:21:54 > 0:21:55- I think that'll do it.- Yeah!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00'And so, like Michelangelo, the great artisan, standing
0:22:00 > 0:22:05'proudly before the Sistine Chapel, we mounted our pizza de resistance.'
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Ooh, some heat coming off here.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14I have to say, even though it's a bit...improvised...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17that looks rather nice. That's rather touching.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23'This is one of man's very first ovens, the genesis of eating,
0:22:23 > 0:22:27'taken from the ruins of Pompeii and rebuilt with care -
0:22:27 > 0:22:30'and a slightly wonky chimney - in our Man Lab.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31'All your fashionable cookery shows might
0:22:31 > 0:22:35'bang on about growing your own cress and pulling your own pork,
0:22:35 > 0:22:39'but none of them have gone back to basics like this.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43'And so, like Michelangelo, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45'we turn our attention to the pizza.'
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Simmy, whose idea this was, who said, "I fancy a pizza,"
0:22:49 > 0:22:53about a week and a half ago, has requested the full English pizza.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56So we begin with the tomato paste,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00which is, sort of, the tomato ketchup in this version.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03'We then add some locally-sourced cheese and bacon -
0:23:03 > 0:23:05'from the local shop.'
0:23:05 > 0:23:08These will cook very nicely because they are, of course, fatty.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Um...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12No worry about those burning.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Arrange those artfully around the edge, like so...
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Mm-hm?
0:23:21 > 0:23:22The pizza door.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24The pizza door has caught fire in the oven.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I'm not going to worry about that too much, because, um...
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Well, all right, I am.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44So, bacon going round there. We need a tiny bit more of that...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46SNIGGERING
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Here it comes.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Stop laughing, cameraman.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I've never done this before. Now, sausage...
0:23:52 > 0:23:55'At this point, some jobsworth tried to get us to stop
0:23:55 > 0:23:57'and find a fire extinguisher,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00'clearly not understanding the benefit of a wood-burning oven.'
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Can help to fuel Simmy's pizza.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05'So, with fried egg, sausage, mushroom and a sprig of basil -
0:24:05 > 0:24:08'because we saw someone do it on MasterChef...' Here we go.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11'..our first Man Lab pizza is ready to cook.'
0:24:14 > 0:24:16'Duh...'
0:24:20 > 0:24:22That's a slightly elliptical pizza
0:24:22 > 0:24:25but I don't think anybody's going to worry about that.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Pizza. Cooking.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34'Place on the bottom shelf of your oven for around two minutes
0:24:34 > 0:24:38'at about 800 degrees, or gas mark 47.'
0:24:38 > 0:24:40That is looking...
0:24:40 > 0:24:42sort of pizza-ish to me.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I think that looks quite good.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50That is a full English pizza.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55'It's been ten days and 238 bricks since Simmy first said,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58"You know what? I quite fancy a pizza,"
0:24:58 > 0:25:01but our Man Lab Perfect Pompeii Pizza Service is finally ready
0:25:01 > 0:25:03for its maiden voyage.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12- Did you order a pizza, mate? - I did, mate, yeah.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Full English?
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Full English.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Bit extreme.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19There you go.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Look at that!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28'It might be slightly elliptical, it might have a burnt bit
0:25:28 > 0:25:31'on the edge that Simmy's carefully avoiding and being polite about,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33'but that doesn't look half bad.'
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Mmm.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- That is not bad. Really?- Mmm.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- My only criticism?- Yeah? - Bit of seasoning.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Apart from that... - I'll go and get some.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- Apart from that, James... - Do you want just black pepper?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Black pepper and salt would be lovely.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05'If you'd like to order
0:26:05 > 0:26:08from the Man Lab Pizza Delivery Service, please write to us at...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13And mark your all e-mails "Grub's Up, Pompeii."
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Terms and conditions apply.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Any time you like, mate. I deliver anywhere within a radius of 15 feet.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19SIMMY LAUGHS
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Now, there are many ways in which a chap can advertise
0:26:29 > 0:26:31to the world just how sophisticated he is.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36He might become a performer of card tricks or an accomplished lutenist,
0:26:36 > 0:26:40a prolific reciter of Thomas Campion, 1567-1620,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43a wood carver, a popular soap box orator,
0:26:43 > 0:26:47but, sooner or later, he's going to be called to account
0:26:47 > 0:26:52in the most exclusive and intimidating social arena known -
0:26:52 > 0:26:53wine tasting.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57And it doesn't matter how good he is at everything else in the world.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01He's going to be judged solely on his ability to say something
0:27:01 > 0:27:04inspirational about a robust red, with woody high notes.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07We think it's a bit of a bore, quite frankly,
0:27:07 > 0:27:12so we were wondering, can you bluff your way in wine tasting?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Or, more to the point, can Rory?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20'It's a balmy summer's evening, but some people choose
0:27:20 > 0:27:23'to spend it in a basement at a wine-tasting event.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26'They include Rory, wearing a cravat
0:27:26 > 0:27:29'but otherwise still looking like a child's drawing of a man.'
0:27:29 > 0:27:34This is Rory, the BBC's up-and-coming young wine expert.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Not that young.- He's going to be one of your competitors.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40'We've told the assembled connoisseurs that Rory Barker is
0:27:40 > 0:27:44'the next Oz Clarke, the Beaujolais Nouveau of wine appreciation.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45'It's not true.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50'Outside, in the van blanc, complete with no hair,
0:27:50 > 0:27:54'is the real Oz Clarke, and he's in Rory's ear.'
0:27:54 > 0:27:56He can hear what we say to him,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59through the usual intercom arrangement.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00- 'Hello, Rory.'- Mmm.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04He can talk to us, but, of course, he has to talk to us in such
0:28:04 > 0:28:07a way that the other people there don't really realise that he's
0:28:07 > 0:28:09talking to some people in the back of a sweaty van.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13- MUMBLES: Yeah.- You have eight glasses in front of you.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Four of them are red, four of them are white.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19'Rory's mission is all about eloquence and observation.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21'This is classic blind test.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23'All these wines are in front of Rory,
0:28:23 > 0:28:26'but they're only labelled Wine 1 to Wine 8.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29'We're not looking for hints of aeroplane runway tarmac or
0:28:29 > 0:28:32'notes of ladies' bicycle saddles, or any of the other guff
0:28:32 > 0:28:33'that Oz usually bangs on about,
0:28:33 > 0:28:35'but even without expertise,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38'Rory should able to describe to Oz the basics of the taste,
0:28:38 > 0:28:43'colour and smell of the liquid he's just put in his witness face.'
0:28:43 > 0:28:44Please, do start.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Rory, look at the colour against something white,
0:28:49 > 0:28:51like the tablecloth.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54'A connoisseur worth his salt should be able to pick up useful
0:28:54 > 0:28:57'clues about the age of white wine, simply by looking at it
0:28:57 > 0:28:59'against a neutral background.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02'The browner the tinge, the more oxidised
0:29:02 > 0:29:03'and, therefore, older the vintage.'
0:29:03 > 0:29:08Nod your head slightly to say "mmm". Got it? Mmm. Yeah.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10- Yeah.- Now lift it up again, lift it up, lift it up.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Now, holding it at the bottom of the stem, give it a little
0:29:13 > 0:29:16circular swirling motion, to make the wine run round the edges.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Bit more vigorous. No, you're doing it side-to-side.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20You need more wrist. More wrist.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23'Aside from making Rory look like he's having a localised seizure,
0:29:23 > 0:29:26'swirling the wine in this way introduces oxygen and releases
0:29:26 > 0:29:30'the wine's unique aroma, or smell, as Rory would put it.'
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Better, better, yes, well done. OK, a good snort.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36Good face.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39And now you've got to pull a sort of critical face.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Thoughtful, furrowed brow. A furrowed brow.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44A bit over the top, Rory. Bit over the top.
0:29:44 > 0:29:49That wasn't bad, the look on the face when he'd done the smelling.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50'Time for the tasting.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53'The difficulty for a novice will be picking out which distinctive
0:29:53 > 0:29:57'tastes are present from a dizzying array of fruits, spices,
0:29:57 > 0:29:58'herbs and minerals.'
0:29:58 > 0:29:59Oh, no - he's about to taste.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Did it remind you of orchards and grass, or was it sort of stony?
0:30:06 > 0:30:09I think it's, you know, sort of, like breathing in an orchard,
0:30:09 > 0:30:12- this one, I'd say. Wouldn't you say?- Yes.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14If it's an apple, is it more like a cooking apple
0:30:14 > 0:30:19when you've bitten one - more like a stewed apple than an eating apple?
0:30:19 > 0:30:22I mean, if it was an apple, I think it's a stewed apple...
0:30:22 > 0:30:23Good, right.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26If you've got stewed apple and if you've got gooseberries,
0:30:26 > 0:30:30it's probably a Sauvignon Blanc. Sauvignon.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32I'm happy with that one now.
0:30:32 > 0:30:36'So far and, seemingly, so good, but our sommelier is starting
0:30:36 > 0:30:39'to attract some unexpected attention.'
0:30:39 > 0:30:41I'm determined to beat you.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43She's flirting with him!
0:30:43 > 0:30:45'Let's pause to remember what wine is for.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48'It's a social lubricant, helping inhibition
0:30:48 > 0:30:52'and convention to slip away. Why do people really go to wine tastings?
0:30:52 > 0:30:56'Why do people go to bars? Do I have to spell it out?'
0:30:56 > 0:30:59I think me and you will have a good little competition here.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03- He's looking bashful! - Very fruity, yes, very fruity.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Look at the confidence of her drinking style -
0:31:05 > 0:31:08it's hand on the hip, breasts out, head back. She's... She's a drinker.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Yes. Of course.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12Does she drink a lot?
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Do you drink a lot? That's the important thing.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17- Well, don't put it exactly like that!- Good for you.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21'Before Rory's cover is completely blown, we try a change of tack.'
0:31:21 > 0:31:26Is there any wine there which doesn't taste of anything very much?
0:31:26 > 0:31:31I think four, it lacks the... Strong flavours of the others.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35That will be the Pinot Grigio. Famous for being overproduced.
0:31:35 > 0:31:40Number four, it's just, you know, it's... It's mass-market.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42It's mass-market. It's overproduced.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45- I quite like the cockiness there.- Yeah.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Because he's got to run this. He hasn't got to ask their opinion.
0:31:48 > 0:31:49You've got to run it.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52'Thankfully, confidence is one thing Rory is not short of.'
0:31:52 > 0:31:56Pinot Grigio. Come on now, man. Get your conk in there.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00- Get your what? Did you say cock? - No, conk. Conk in the wine, yeah?
0:32:03 > 0:32:06'Rory finally seems to be getting this,
0:32:06 > 0:32:07'and as we reach the end of the whites,
0:32:07 > 0:32:10- Oz remains bullish. - He's been pretty good,
0:32:10 > 0:32:12though, I think. Most of the time, he's been really good.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14He's picked up the stuff very quickly.
0:32:14 > 0:32:18Wine number one, Pinot Grigio Villa Romanti.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21Oof, it's wrong!
0:32:21 > 0:32:25Two, Craggy Range Riesling, 2008.
0:32:25 > 0:32:26Wrong!
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Three, Mansion House Bay Sauvignon, 2011.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33And four, Chablis, from Brocard, 2009.
0:32:33 > 0:32:37You were completely wrong!
0:32:37 > 0:32:39'It's an utter disaster.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43'Oz's naive optimism is simply no match for the biblical incompetence
0:32:43 > 0:32:45'of Rory Barker, the plonker of plonk,
0:32:45 > 0:32:49'and as the buffs move on to the reds, things just get worse.'
0:32:49 > 0:32:53It's possible that Rory has never had to describe
0:32:53 > 0:32:54a flavour in his life before.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57You know when you find a Twix on the ground?
0:32:58 > 0:33:00You don't eat it, do you? You walk past it.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04- It tastes like that. I'm confusing you?- Yeah!
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Remember WB Yeats - "Wine comes in at the mouth
0:33:06 > 0:33:09"and love comes in at the eye."
0:33:09 > 0:33:13Just remember, "Love comes through your wine,
0:33:13 > 0:33:15"wine out your eye."
0:33:17 > 0:33:21'We've created a monster. We have to try and get this back on track.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23'One of these reds is a Chilean Merlot,
0:33:23 > 0:33:26'which should have smoky, dusty flavours.'
0:33:26 > 0:33:27Is there a hint of dust?
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Is there sort of hot dust,
0:33:29 > 0:33:31from maybe a village in India in the evening?
0:33:31 > 0:33:32Do you know what is?
0:33:32 > 0:33:36You know when you go to a village in India? What do you find?
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Dust everywhere. Dust balls, left, right and centre.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41But he's just saying what I've said.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44- That's what I've just got. Dust.- Dust?- Dust.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Number seven is dust.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Might as well say, "It is like a boiled egg?"
0:33:48 > 0:33:51Is it like a boiled egg, or is it like the dust in India?
0:33:53 > 0:33:57Indian dust chocolate on a bonfire. It's about experiences, wine is.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00- Have YOU been to India? - No, I've never been to India. THEY LAUGH
0:34:01 > 0:34:05- Let me get...- 'Rory's cover looks to be well and truly blown,
0:34:05 > 0:34:07'along with the last splinters of Oz's credibility.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11'But just as we're about to bite down on our cyanide pills...'
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Look at the wine against the white paper. Look for the edge.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Because if you look against the white paper...
0:34:17 > 0:34:20The edge will be browner if it's older, darker and purpler
0:34:20 > 0:34:25- if it's newer.- Look at that edge. It's browner. It's paler.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29- It's from an older vintage. - Can we copy you, then?
0:34:29 > 0:34:30You can if you want.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34'Finally, Rory is starting to give some opinions that don't sound like
0:34:34 > 0:34:36'the random results from a word tombola,
0:34:36 > 0:34:39'and the wine buffs have noticed.'
0:34:39 > 0:34:42- You know when you drink a stewed cup of tea?- Hmm.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44And what happens to your tongue when you drink a stewed cup of tea?
0:34:44 > 0:34:47Tannin is the word you're looking for.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49It's sticky, it's dry, it's...tannin.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52He's good, isn't he?
0:34:52 > 0:34:56'Against all the odds, Rory is genuinely starting to smash this.'
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Rory, that swirling is greatly improved. Keep it up, mate.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06- Is it smoky or not?- It's not. It's not smoky. It's plummy.
0:35:06 > 0:35:11- More likely to be the Chateauneuf Du Pape.- Papa Smurf De Pup.
0:35:11 > 0:35:12Chateauneuf Du Pape.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16- Do you know what? Definitely, definitely.- Definitely, definitely.
0:35:16 > 0:35:17'He might not be faultless,
0:35:17 > 0:35:20'but Rory has finally won over the wine lovers.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22'Some more than others.'
0:35:23 > 0:35:26- Are you ready for the results? - ALL: Yes.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29- 'Here we go.'- Happy?- Yep.
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Well, we'll see.
0:35:30 > 0:35:35- Five, Crozes Hermitage, Domaine Marc Sorrel, 2008.- Yes!
0:35:35 > 0:35:39- Six, Arboleda Cabernet Sauvignon, 2008.- Yes!
0:35:39 > 0:35:42Seven, Rust en Vrede Merlot from 2010.
0:35:42 > 0:35:46- And finally, number eight, Chateau Du Pape...- He's got all the reds!
0:35:46 > 0:35:49- He's got all the Reds! - 'So there you go -
0:35:49 > 0:35:53'simply express yourself creatively on the vital topics of colour,
0:35:53 > 0:35:56'aroma and taste, and you too can be a wine ponce.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00'Even if you can't talk to girls.'
0:36:09 > 0:36:13Something that's always baffled us on Man Lab is the exercise bicycle.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17A real bicycle, yes - cycling IS good for you.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20If you ride five miles away from your home,
0:36:20 > 0:36:23you're going to have to ride five miles to get back again.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25If you freewheel gloriously down a long hill,
0:36:25 > 0:36:28there is a part of you that knows somewhere deep in your heart
0:36:28 > 0:36:31you're going to have to ride back up one again.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34But why would you bother with an exercise bicycle?
0:36:34 > 0:36:36I mean, if you get bored, you can just stop
0:36:36 > 0:36:38and you're already back at home.
0:36:38 > 0:36:43So we've come up with one that encourages you to pedal harder,
0:36:43 > 0:36:46and it's called the outside-inside-weather
0:36:46 > 0:36:50exercise bicycle fitness incentiviser.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51Follow me.
0:36:51 > 0:36:52HE DINGS BELL
0:36:52 > 0:36:56It is, in essence, a white-painted internal room.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00The bicycle will go on this simple stand here in a minute
0:37:00 > 0:37:03and then I can pedal it like a home exercise bicycle.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07The difference is, though, if you look up, you'll see four projectors.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09They will play film on the walls.
0:37:09 > 0:37:16I will experience a 360-degrees, immersive film experience
0:37:16 > 0:37:19that will bring the outside inside.
0:37:19 > 0:37:23Rory was responsible for that bit, and here's how he did it.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26'First, our crew built him a mobile rig with cameras pointing
0:37:26 > 0:37:30'forwards, left, right and backwards.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36'Then Rory rode around on a mobility scooter,
0:37:36 > 0:37:39'like the world's least ambitious joyrider, filming a sequence
0:37:39 > 0:37:43'of ever-more-exciting journeys, that would be revealed to me
0:37:43 > 0:37:47'as I pedal. The harder I pedal, the more interesting it becomes.'
0:37:48 > 0:37:50So I'm almost ready to go.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54The bicycle is linked wirelessly to the video controls, which
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Simmy's monitoring outside,
0:37:56 > 0:37:58and I'm sure he'll be shouting out some encouragement,
0:37:58 > 0:38:04so now I'm going to be say, could we gently dim the lights, please?
0:38:04 > 0:38:05Thank you.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11What is this? It is the portrait of a blinking idiot,
0:38:11 > 0:38:14as Shakespeare would have said. Actually, it's Boris Johnson,
0:38:14 > 0:38:16the Mayor of London, a very keen cyclist -
0:38:16 > 0:38:20and apparently, the only way I can get rid of his dozy Etonian face
0:38:20 > 0:38:22is to start pedalling.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25Let's see what happens. Oh.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Oh, that's rather pleasant. I'm in some sort of park by a river.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34The fence is going past us. This is incredible.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Isn't it amazing? Look at this jogger.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39He goes past, and behind.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42- And your bicycle doesn't nicked, you don't get knocked off by a... - DOG BARKS
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Whoa!
0:38:44 > 0:38:47My eyes are telling me something different from my ears,
0:38:47 > 0:38:51so I keep leaning for the bends, but of course the bike's not moving.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52James, faster!
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Change of scene coming up.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57- How fast am I going? I'm just doing about six miles a... - HORNS BLARE
0:38:57 > 0:39:00Ooh, I'm on a high street or something.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03I appear to be cycling on the pavement.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07There are some people coming straight for me. Whoa!
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Bigger knickers or a smaller arse, missus.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12I don't know what this looks like on your two-dimensional
0:39:12 > 0:39:15television at home, but in here, it's... It's incredible.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Building up speed now. Ten miles an hour.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24I'm in a supermarket! Brightly coloured goods, packet sauces.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27There's the deli going past, on the left. Whoa!
0:39:27 > 0:39:31I don't know why I keep doing that. Obviously, the bike's not moving.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Pots and buckets, left or right. I don't know. Whoa! Left.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38I don't want dodgems!
0:39:38 > 0:39:41Can you see this? Look at it!
0:39:41 > 0:39:45Whoa! That's Rory!
0:39:45 > 0:39:48Rory's in my virtual world. That's hideous!
0:39:48 > 0:39:49James, pedal faster!
0:39:51 > 0:39:55I've got to go a bit faster. Whoa, what's... Rollercoast...
0:39:55 > 0:39:58Waaaah! Waaaah! Waaaah!
0:39:58 > 0:40:00Whoa! Whoa!
0:40:02 > 0:40:05That is incredibly disconcerting!
0:40:06 > 0:40:08I'm going to fall off!
0:40:08 > 0:40:09HE SCREAMS
0:40:12 > 0:40:13I've had it! I've had it!
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Whoa!
0:40:23 > 0:40:25I've landed in the sea.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27HE LAUGHS
0:40:27 > 0:40:32Absolutely fantastic. You don't get that on a normal exercise bicycle.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35You just get... You know.
0:40:35 > 0:40:39Some tunes on your iPod, watching some reruns of Top Gear or whatever.
0:40:39 > 0:40:40It's brilliant!
0:40:42 > 0:40:46I hope that looked as good at home as it did in here.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Absolutely brilliant!
0:40:49 > 0:40:51But I'm shagged out!
0:40:51 > 0:40:52LAUGHTER
0:41:00 > 0:41:02'Earlier in the show, I was tricked into being
0:41:02 > 0:41:06'a commentator for the world's biggest horse race,
0:41:06 > 0:41:07'the Grand National.'
0:41:07 > 0:41:10Whose idea was this? This is impossible!
0:41:10 > 0:41:14'With the help of a world champion memory expert, I tried to learn,
0:41:14 > 0:41:17'fluently, the names, numbers and colours of 40 horses.'
0:41:19 > 0:41:23- It's a green silk , with a gold V on it.- Is correct.
0:41:23 > 0:41:28'My aid in the race would be Rory, acting as my back-up spotter.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31'It was all rather brilliant, but on the night before the National,
0:41:31 > 0:41:35'half the entrants suddenly changed their racing numbers.'
0:41:35 > 0:41:38All I know now, with any certainty, following the drop-outs,
0:41:38 > 0:41:40is the first ten.
0:41:40 > 0:41:41'But never mind.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44'Let's carry on as if everything's OK and I know what I'm doing.'
0:41:47 > 0:41:48Aintree.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52We've all seen it on the television, but here it is for real,
0:41:52 > 0:41:57the home of the Grand National, 4.5 miles of mad steeplechase.
0:41:57 > 0:42:02The grass, the 30 jumps, the hats, the atmosphere, the money.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05This is what I'm going to be commentating on today,
0:42:05 > 0:42:11in its 173rd year, sending my words to the four corners of the globe,
0:42:11 > 0:42:13even though it's a sphere.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18'My guide through this wild arena of hoof
0:42:18 > 0:42:21'and silk has been a professional commentator on horseracing
0:42:21 > 0:42:26'for over 20 years, legendary broadcaster Lee McKenzie.'
0:42:26 > 0:42:29So people say everybody thinks they can have a go at commentating,
0:42:29 > 0:42:31but anybody who tries, discovers that, actually,
0:42:31 > 0:42:34they run out things to say after about 15 seconds.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37I think running out of things to say is better than saying
0:42:37 > 0:42:38something that's incorrect, though.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41But you could end up with vast eternal stretches of silence,
0:42:41 > 0:42:44- cos I'm not really sure about anything.- Well, look,
0:42:44 > 0:42:45this afternoon,
0:42:45 > 0:42:48it's far better to have one or two seconds of silence,
0:42:48 > 0:42:51just pause for thought, cos it's far better to have two seconds
0:42:51 > 0:42:55of silence than to say something and regret it for the rest of your life.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57I'm not sure this was actually a good idea, you see.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59When we thought of it, which was in a pub, as usual, we thought,
0:42:59 > 0:43:02that'd be quite good fun because it's a test of memory,
0:43:02 > 0:43:03how well you perform under pressure,
0:43:03 > 0:43:06keeping your nerve, keeping your cool, and it sounded good.
0:43:06 > 0:43:09But then when you get here, you think, this is the Grand National!
0:43:09 > 0:43:12It's the biggest horse race, one of the biggest sporting events, in the world.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15And it's watched all over the world. And on the red button service,
0:43:15 > 0:43:17there will be a lot of people listening and thinking, "No, no!
0:43:17 > 0:43:21- "This man is an idiot!" - Don't panic. Stay cool.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24- I don't expect you to stay as cool as a cucumber.- No.
0:43:24 > 0:43:29But perhaps if you could stay as cool as a slightly warmed-up cucumber...
0:43:29 > 0:43:32- Right.- ..that would be perfect. - From a sort of sunny picnic?- Yeah.
0:43:32 > 0:43:35'Before obscure salad similes had a chance to make this even harder,
0:43:35 > 0:43:38'Lee took me up the steps of the grandstand, for a taste of what
0:43:38 > 0:43:41'was to come.'
0:43:41 > 0:43:45This is the point where you suddenly realise what a huge task
0:43:45 > 0:43:47you're taking on.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49'What's huge is the course.
0:43:49 > 0:43:53'This helicopter has to refuel when it's halfway across.'
0:43:53 > 0:43:54They start right down in front of us here,
0:43:54 > 0:43:58so that bit's straightforward. You'll be able to see them.
0:43:58 > 0:44:00But then as they start to disappear down to the first fence,
0:44:00 > 0:44:03and by the time they've got to the first of the 30 fences,
0:44:03 > 0:44:05they're already starting to get out of sight.
0:44:05 > 0:44:07- Then you will suddenly realise what's hit you.- Hang on!
0:44:07 > 0:44:09- Is that the first one, right over there?- That's it.
0:44:09 > 0:44:12- That's the first fence.- Can we see... See where the three blocks...
0:44:12 > 0:44:15the three... the four blocks of plaques are?
0:44:15 > 0:44:19Then there are some trees just in front of that? Then immediately...
0:44:19 > 0:44:20Miles away!
0:44:20 > 0:44:22Commentators, these days, are constantly darting
0:44:22 > 0:44:25- from their binoculars and then to the monitor.- Yeah.
0:44:25 > 0:44:28Binoculars, monitor, depending on which of the two
0:44:28 > 0:44:30is going to offer them the best picture.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32Well, you need a radio telescope to get a picture of what's
0:44:32 > 0:44:34going on over there. It's ridiculous!
0:44:36 > 0:44:38'So not only did I now need to remember all
0:44:38 > 0:44:40'the swapped-around horses,
0:44:40 > 0:44:41'I was going to have to do it
0:44:41 > 0:44:43'without being able to see them properly.
0:44:43 > 0:44:46'I felt hopelessly under-practised.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49'But just then, an opportunity presented itself.'
0:44:49 > 0:44:52Sorry, I was slightly distracted by that Egyptian goddess
0:44:52 > 0:44:56or whatever she is down there. That's amazing! Look at that!
0:44:56 > 0:44:58'It turns out that, quite apart from the racing,
0:44:58 > 0:45:02'Aintree has also become something of a fashion mecca.
0:45:02 > 0:45:06'The stands are full of sharp suits and fascinating fascinators,
0:45:06 > 0:45:09'each one as an individual as any jockey silks.
0:45:09 > 0:45:11'And this gives me an idea.'
0:45:11 > 0:45:15Turquoise Flower, Turquoise Flower has pulled up slightly,
0:45:15 > 0:45:19allowing Pink Dress... Pink Dress has taken the lead very suddenly.
0:45:19 > 0:45:21But Turquoise Flower is having a bit of a comeback.
0:45:21 > 0:45:23Turquoise, Turquoise Flower is pulling ahead. No!
0:45:23 > 0:45:25She's had a slight... There's been a collision.
0:45:25 > 0:45:27They've peeled off from the racecourse entirely
0:45:27 > 0:45:29and they're heading for the bar.
0:45:29 > 0:45:31Stupid Sunglasses puts on a massive spurt.
0:45:31 > 0:45:33Stupid Sunglasses, he doesn't quite catch up.
0:45:33 > 0:45:35He left that run just a little bit too late.
0:45:35 > 0:45:39Another two seconds and that would have been his. Gangster Glasses...
0:45:39 > 0:45:41Gangster Glasses is ambling home here,
0:45:41 > 0:45:44but he's been passed at the last second by Man In Old Hat.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46Rosette Man putting in a fantastic charge at the end.
0:45:46 > 0:45:47He's well clear of the pack.
0:45:47 > 0:45:50Rosette Man looking positively relaxed as he canters
0:45:50 > 0:45:53across the line, as they cross the finishing post here at Aintree.
0:45:53 > 0:45:54A magnificent race.
0:45:54 > 0:45:56You've got a nice crescendo there, as well.
0:45:56 > 0:45:59- Yeah, but you mustn't do that too soon.- Ah!
0:45:59 > 0:46:01Especially at the Grand National, it is 4.5 miles,
0:46:01 > 0:46:04and if you've peaked when they come past first time,
0:46:04 > 0:46:06that's a heck of a long way home from there.
0:46:06 > 0:46:09That's four minutes of getting higher and higher and higher.
0:46:09 > 0:46:10That's a lot of shouting, isn't it?
0:46:10 > 0:46:12'With my patter perfected,
0:46:12 > 0:46:15'and with just moments to go before the off, Rory and I decide to
0:46:15 > 0:46:20'scour the grounds for some last-minute words of encouragement.'
0:46:20 > 0:46:23I don't envy you, trying to be the sole commentator doing it.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26Since they've all dropped out, I only know down as far as number ten.
0:46:26 > 0:46:28At the moment, unless one of the top ten win,
0:46:28 > 0:46:30- you're not going to give the winner, are you?- No.
0:46:30 > 0:46:33- So who's riding Synchronised? - Oh, I don't know the jockeys.
0:46:33 > 0:46:35- I only know the names. - You don't know the jockeys, at all?
0:46:35 > 0:46:39Get your right hand free. Come on. Top of the head, one. Bottle.
0:46:39 > 0:46:42- Hit the nose, two. - But why are we doing this, though? - One, one, get on with it!
0:46:42 > 0:46:44- Two women ride in the race.- Yes. - Who are they?
0:46:44 > 0:46:46What do they ride?
0:46:46 > 0:46:47Horses.
0:46:47 > 0:46:48SHE LAUGHS
0:46:48 > 0:46:52That's Burlington Bertie, 100-30. Three and a bit, 100-30.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54- I don't know what you're saying! - Four, five.
0:46:54 > 0:46:56We have our flashcards, and he can gesticulate
0:46:56 > 0:46:59and he has sign language to say "woman", the Welsh rider because...
0:46:59 > 0:47:02- What's his sign language for a woman?- I can't do that on the telly.
0:47:02 > 0:47:06Yes, you can! What's his sign language for a woman?
0:47:06 > 0:47:09- It's that?- Skirt.- OK. I thought it might be that!
0:47:09 > 0:47:11Oh, no. That's a bit too obvious.
0:47:11 > 0:47:14Double carpet is 33-1.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16- Oh, it's the odds!- It's the odds!
0:47:16 > 0:47:18So if I just go up to the bookies and I just go...
0:47:18 > 0:47:20They'll know what I'm talking about?
0:47:20 > 0:47:22He'll have you committed, which you should be.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24You should be in an institution!
0:47:24 > 0:47:27If he manages to inject the drama in it,
0:47:27 > 0:47:30and gets the line right, in terms of it's not just telling you what's
0:47:30 > 0:47:33past the post first, it's giving the significance of that winner.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36Now, you know, obviously, the BBC has a huge reputation,
0:47:36 > 0:47:40nation will speak unto nation, not nation will speak bollocks
0:47:40 > 0:47:43on the BBC online, going around the world to millions of people?
0:47:43 > 0:47:45- Yes, thank you.- It's all right.
0:47:47 > 0:47:50'This is it, then. The 40 horses make their way out.
0:47:54 > 0:47:56'In the stands, all eyes are on the course.
0:47:58 > 0:48:02'In the press tent, the excitement is palpable.
0:48:02 > 0:48:05'As Lee and I climb the final stairs to the commentary booth,
0:48:05 > 0:48:08'I frantically run through last night's flashcard revision,
0:48:08 > 0:48:13'a thought process only interrupted by, well, how grotty it is in here.'
0:48:13 > 0:48:16It's a bit, sort of, Cold War bunker, this.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19I was expecting to have, sort of, green velvety carpet
0:48:19 > 0:48:21and a drinks glove.
0:48:21 > 0:48:23- They never decorate. - Oh, it's disgusting!
0:48:25 > 0:48:26Eww!
0:48:26 > 0:48:29They're all in a line along here, BBC television, BBC Radio.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31Then the commentary that goes out to the racecourse
0:48:31 > 0:48:34and out of the window, and there's your view of the racecourse.
0:48:34 > 0:48:37'The view is even worse than before.
0:48:37 > 0:48:40'I can barely make out the riders, let alone the silks.
0:48:47 > 0:48:51'In front of me, the monitors give the only real view of the action.
0:48:51 > 0:48:55'To my left, professional commentators with seasoned spotters.
0:48:55 > 0:48:59'To my right, my own spotter looks like a dog who's just been shown
0:48:59 > 0:49:01'a card trick.
0:49:01 > 0:49:03'Here we go.'
0:49:03 > 0:49:05Right, chaps.
0:49:05 > 0:49:06Good luck!
0:49:07 > 0:49:10- Good luck, Rory.- Thanks, James. - Thank you for your help, Lee.
0:49:10 > 0:49:17- We'll do our best.- A pleasure. - Let's get ready to commentate!
0:49:17 > 0:49:21- There's no way back now!- There isn't, is there? This is for real!
0:49:22 > 0:49:24Ohh!
0:49:26 > 0:49:28Black Apalachi, Swing Bill...
0:49:31 > 0:49:33Cappa Bleu's got a red hat.
0:49:33 > 0:49:38Five, four, three, two, one...
0:49:40 > 0:49:41And go live!
0:49:41 > 0:49:46Hello, and welcome to the 2012 Grand National, live,
0:49:46 > 0:49:50here from Aintree on the BBC One red button service
0:49:50 > 0:49:55and all around the world on the BBC's Sport Online website.
0:49:55 > 0:49:59Your commentating team, Lee McKenzie, me, James May,
0:49:59 > 0:50:04and our redoubtable spotter, Rory Barker, just 17 years old,
0:50:04 > 0:50:06his first Grand National, as well.
0:50:06 > 0:50:13It is the 165th Grand National in its 173-year history.
0:50:13 > 0:50:14It was, of course,
0:50:14 > 0:50:18interrupted by a couple of rather inconvenient world wars.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21And, of course, the horses that are running here today are the
0:50:21 > 0:50:28result of years, lifetimes, even, of very, very intense preparation.
0:50:28 > 0:50:32Their breeding goes back many generations, hundreds of years,
0:50:32 > 0:50:36even, of people who have devoted their lives to producing
0:50:36 > 0:50:37the perfect racehorse.
0:50:37 > 0:50:38'For some reason,
0:50:38 > 0:50:41'waffling on about nonsense seems to be coming quite naturally.'
0:50:41 > 0:50:48..a headlong dash for victory, glory, fame, cash,
0:50:48 > 0:50:51everything that goes with it.
0:50:51 > 0:50:52The horses are assembling.
0:50:53 > 0:50:55There's a cheer going out from the grandstand.
0:50:55 > 0:50:57You can feel the tension mount.
0:51:00 > 0:51:01HE SHOUTS
0:51:02 > 0:51:05- That's not a start.- OK, that's not a start. That's... that's mayhem!
0:51:05 > 0:51:07Oh dear!
0:51:07 > 0:51:10'It's a false start. The horses are thrown, and so am I.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13'I didn't really have anything more prepared to say.'
0:51:13 > 0:51:15Umm... I think the ribbon...
0:51:15 > 0:51:17Has the ribbon been broken or was it simply moved
0:51:17 > 0:51:19out of the way at the last second?
0:51:19 > 0:51:21The horses are very, very keen on this, aren't they?
0:51:21 > 0:51:24They're very frisky, they're...
0:51:24 > 0:51:25'No, that's rubbish.'
0:51:25 > 0:51:27..reckons they move up to the tape,
0:51:27 > 0:51:30which is being hastily repaired, as we speak.
0:51:30 > 0:51:33This is a last-minute repair worthy of our own programme, actually,
0:51:33 > 0:51:36going on here. Things are looking very frantic.
0:51:36 > 0:51:39They're moving up again. They're moving up again. Oh no!
0:51:39 > 0:51:42There's some more... No, the tape has gone again!
0:51:42 > 0:51:46That was West End Rocker, one of the favoured horses.
0:51:46 > 0:51:50'Now, I'm seriously worried about the race getting underway, at all.
0:51:50 > 0:51:53'I've been fretting for so long about me stuffing up,
0:51:53 > 0:51:55'I hadn't even considered that the race might.
0:52:03 > 0:52:05'But finally...'
0:52:05 > 0:52:06Here we go!
0:52:06 > 0:52:08Here we go. And it's off!
0:52:08 > 0:52:11The greatest race in the world is finally underway.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15They shoot off from the start, like a round from a giant
0:52:15 > 0:52:20howitzer of horsepower. Look at that! Absolutely magnificent!
0:52:20 > 0:52:25A seething, roaring mass of men and equestrian muscle.
0:52:25 > 0:52:27And going up at the front we have...
0:52:29 > 0:52:31'Can't tell. Can't pause, though.'
0:52:31 > 0:52:34Rides over the first fence, like trout.
0:52:34 > 0:52:35'Trout?'
0:52:35 > 0:52:39Viking Blond is down at the first fence and is out already.
0:52:41 > 0:52:44Swing Bill is going into the lead, very slightly.
0:52:44 > 0:52:47Of course, it means very little, by this point in the race.
0:52:48 > 0:52:52Oh, West End Rocker is down, as well, and out.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55Up they go, jumping like salmon.
0:52:55 > 0:52:58'I've somehow managed to get stuck on fish metaphors,
0:52:58 > 0:53:01'and in my confusion, there's another catastrophic pause.
0:53:03 > 0:53:06'Across the country, I can hear the sound of millions of people,
0:53:06 > 0:53:09'prising the red button out of their remotes.'
0:53:09 > 0:53:12Giles Cross, almost to the left of your picture.
0:53:12 > 0:53:15'Spotter Rory makes a valiant attempt to keep things on track.'
0:53:15 > 0:53:18..Always Right. State Of Play is fallen and is down.
0:53:18 > 0:53:22Chicago Grey, one of the greys, has fallen and is down.
0:53:22 > 0:53:23'But then there's an even bigger upset.'
0:53:23 > 0:53:24..bringing up the rear.
0:53:24 > 0:53:28Always Right again on the right, you'll see... Synchronised is down!
0:53:28 > 0:53:32Synchronised is down and out of the 2012 Grand National.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35'Synchronised, the race favourite with the swimming pool lanes
0:53:35 > 0:53:38'of yellow and green silk, is tragically out.'
0:53:38 > 0:53:41And I think... No, Alfa Beat is down now.
0:53:41 > 0:53:43They're falling very, very quickly.
0:53:43 > 0:53:46'If an underdog from outside, my memorised front runners, takes
0:53:46 > 0:53:48'the lead, I could be up Becher's Brook without a paddle.'
0:53:48 > 0:53:50Shakalakaboomboom in the lead.
0:53:50 > 0:53:53Now, there's a challenge coming up on the outside.
0:53:53 > 0:53:55I can't quite make out who it is.
0:53:57 > 0:54:00'The pressure is too much. I need help.'
0:54:00 > 0:54:02Lee, this is getting very confusing to me,
0:54:02 > 0:54:04with a lot of loose horses and a lot of fallers already.
0:54:04 > 0:54:07It's been a dramatic race, so far, James.
0:54:07 > 0:54:09'It's a disaster. As Lee is forced to step in,
0:54:09 > 0:54:12'I know that I've let him down. I've let Rory down.'
0:54:12 > 0:54:15'I've even let Dominic, the moustachioed memory man, down.'
0:54:15 > 0:54:16Maroon jacket on the right.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19'With time ticking away, I do my best to calm my nerves,
0:54:19 > 0:54:23'remember my imaginary golf course and get back in the saddle.'
0:54:23 > 0:54:26Moving through the field now, in the beige and black jacket,
0:54:26 > 0:54:29is Paul Townend with his lucky chance, ride on, On His Own.
0:54:29 > 0:54:30Yes, On His Own, with the beige jacket,
0:54:30 > 0:54:33the only beige silks in the race, which makes him very easy to spot.
0:54:33 > 0:54:35Shakalakaboomboom still doing quite well,
0:54:35 > 0:54:37maybe giving it a bit too much, too early.
0:54:37 > 0:54:41Hello Bud is very, very close, neck-and-neck almost.
0:54:41 > 0:54:43Planet Of Sound is marginally ahead. We'll see at the jump.
0:54:43 > 0:54:47It is Planet Of Sound first. Shakalakaboomboom. And we've lost...
0:54:47 > 0:54:49'Finally, this is starting to come together.'
0:54:49 > 0:54:51'Planet Of Sound, number ten in Dominic's garden, by the gazebo,
0:54:51 > 0:54:54'which looks like a rock stadium, with blue-and-white striped silks,
0:54:54 > 0:54:57'which look like a compressed soundwave. I can do this!'
0:54:57 > 0:55:00According To Pete, you can just see him at the back of shot there,
0:55:00 > 0:55:03getting up to his feet. He is clearly OK, but he's definitely out.
0:55:03 > 0:55:05Here is the famous Canal Turn, the only jump in racing where you
0:55:05 > 0:55:08have to make a turn as you make the jump simultaneously.
0:55:08 > 0:55:11That was Weird Al, who went out at the fourth from home,
0:55:11 > 0:55:12went out of contention.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14'Weird Al, baldly haired, black and grey silks. Easy!'
0:55:14 > 0:55:16- ..Shakalakaboomboom. - Back into the stadium
0:55:16 > 0:55:22and there's a challenge coming now from Katie Walsh on Seabass.
0:55:22 > 0:55:24'Seabass, Katie Walsh, one of the female jockeys,
0:55:24 > 0:55:26'red and white silks, number 13.
0:55:26 > 0:55:27'Clare Balding will be proud!'
0:55:27 > 0:55:30But Seabass and Katie Walsh is putting in a fantastic run here.
0:55:30 > 0:55:33Shakalakaboomboom, less than half a length behind.
0:55:33 > 0:55:34This is incredibly exciting.
0:55:34 > 0:55:38We could be looking at the home run of the first woman to win
0:55:38 > 0:55:39the Grand National.
0:55:39 > 0:55:42In Compliance is with them, as well, making a late run.
0:55:42 > 0:55:45It's still Katie Walsh. It's still Katie Walsh.
0:55:45 > 0:55:48'Final straight now, building up the voice, don't peak too early!'
0:55:48 > 0:55:53Very, very slightly... On Seabass. And Neptune Collonges...
0:55:53 > 0:55:55'Neptune Collonges, yellow silks with red star.
0:55:55 > 0:55:57'Neptune's colon, water butt in the garden,
0:55:57 > 0:55:59'I ate, having piles, number eight.'
0:55:59 > 0:56:03Onto the last straight of the 2012 Grand National.
0:56:03 > 0:56:06Neptune Collonges, he's passing Katie Walsh.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08It's Sunny... Sunnyhillboy.
0:56:08 > 0:56:11Sunnyhillboy and Neptune Collonges, and I couldn't quite see it.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13- I'm sorry, Lee.- It was very close!
0:56:13 > 0:56:16I don't think anybody else knows what won either, James. Well done.
0:56:16 > 0:56:19What a tremendous finish to the Grand National!
0:56:19 > 0:56:22- That was absolutely fantastic.- You couldn't have had a closer finish.
0:56:22 > 0:56:28It is Neptune... Neptune Collonges from Sunnyhillboy, by not even...
0:56:28 > 0:56:31not even a nose, half a nostril, I'd say, was that victory!
0:56:31 > 0:56:35What a fantastic race after a very, very clumsy and unpromising start.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37Absolutely superb!
0:56:37 > 0:56:41Over the years, we've seen so many exciting races.
0:56:41 > 0:56:44But I don't think we've ever seen one more exciting than that.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46James, you must come here more often!
0:56:48 > 0:56:51- Mic is dead. Well done, guys. - Cheers.- Thank you.
0:56:51 > 0:56:53- Thank you very much. - Very entertaining!
0:56:55 > 0:56:56I haven't...
0:56:56 > 0:56:58I mean, I knew that was going to be quite an intense nine
0:56:58 > 0:57:02or ten minutes, but that's... It's exhausting!
0:57:02 > 0:57:04I mean, I still found it very difficult.
0:57:04 > 0:57:05I can remember the silks,
0:57:05 > 0:57:07I'll remember those for the rest of my life.
0:57:07 > 0:57:09But seeing them in the race, you're dead right.
0:57:09 > 0:57:11And as you said, the important thing is,
0:57:11 > 0:57:13if you're not sure, don't say anything, which is why there
0:57:13 > 0:57:16were some, I'm sorry, quite large gaps in my reporting.
0:57:16 > 0:57:19I did say to you a gap is far better than saying something that's wrong.
0:57:19 > 0:57:21And you stuck to that. I'm so pleased that you did that.
0:57:21 > 0:57:24And I have to say, listening to the race live,
0:57:24 > 0:57:26I don't think you got anything wrong.
0:57:26 > 0:57:29I hope not. I don't... I don't think I did.
0:57:29 > 0:57:33- I have to say, Rory was an absolute star.- Rory was great, wasn't he?
0:57:33 > 0:57:36- That was tremendous, Rory. - Fantastic! Thank you.
0:57:37 > 0:57:42'And so, thanks to spotter Rory, a memory man, a bit of luck
0:57:42 > 0:57:43'and a Roman god's colon,
0:57:43 > 0:57:47'people watching on the red button across the country everywhere,
0:57:47 > 0:57:49'both of them, put down their cups of tea,
0:57:49 > 0:57:52'forgot that they lost 50 quid on Shakalakaboomboom,
0:57:52 > 0:57:55'turned to each other and, as one, said, "Gosh,
0:57:55 > 0:57:58'"he kept reasonably calm under pressure, didn't he?"
0:58:01 > 0:58:02'Stupid hair, though.'
0:58:04 > 0:58:05Well, that brings us
0:58:05 > 0:58:09galloping to the end of another snorting addition of Man Lab.
0:58:09 > 0:58:13So now, to play us out, it's the simplest melody in the world
0:58:13 > 0:58:16played on, quite possibly, the world's most complicated
0:58:16 > 0:58:17musical instruments.
0:58:17 > 0:58:24Here's Garima and Lena on the sitar and tambora with Theme From Man Lab.
0:58:25 > 0:58:26Goodbye.
0:58:52 > 0:58:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd