0:00:51 > 0:00:52That's it.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Backs straight.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Heads up. Keep your feet dainty.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Dainty, Martha.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01You look like a wounded Heffalump with a wooden leg.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Smile, Connie, smile.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07You will never get yourself a good husband
0:01:07 > 0:01:10until you learn to smile and be pretty.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- SHE STOMPS - Ah!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I won't. I simply won't.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16It's silly and pointless.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Deportment is not silly and pointless, Connie.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20I want to learn proper things.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I want to learn science and maths and civil engineering.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26There is no point in teaching girls science and maths
0:01:26 > 0:01:27and civil engineering.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32All you need to learn to snare a husband is cooking and sewing
0:01:32 > 0:01:34and being nice
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I don't want a stupid husband.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38I don't want to be nice.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I want to do great things.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43I want to make medicine that saves millions of lives.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I want to build hydroelectric dams and rockets that will fly to the moon.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- MISS BLITHERINGTON LAUGHS - Don't be so ridiculous, Connie!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51A GIRL will never do things like that.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Now, carry on with your lesson. - I won't.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Then I'm sending you home, until you learn how to behave.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- I won't. - Your mother will not be pleased.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02If only your father were still around to discipline you properly!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Well, he's not around any more, is he?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06But if he was I bet he would come in here right now
0:02:06 > 0:02:09and tell you off for not teaching me useful things.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Hello, Connie.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- DOG BARKS - Whoa! Oh!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Hello, Connie.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I wonder if I might tell you about my scheme to send
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- hand-knitted waistcoats to the citizens of...- Oh!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Ow! Ow!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Watch where you're going, you young hooligan,
0:02:42 > 0:02:43you nearly knocked me over.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Come along, Angelica.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Is she all right? - Of course she's all right.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49We're the injured parties here.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I've a good mind to sue her.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Ah, hello, Mr Bullimore.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I wonder if I might tell you about my scheme to send
0:02:57 > 0:03:01hand-knitted waistcoats to the citizens of South Crashbania?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Oh, good day.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Connie? What are you doing home from school so early?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Is everything all right, lovey?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28No, everything is NOT all right.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31School is stupid, and the lessons are stupid and the other girls
0:03:31 > 0:03:34are stupid and Miss Blitherington is especially stupid.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Oh, dear. You haven't been arguing about your lessons again, have you?
0:03:38 > 0:03:39I might have been.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I want to learn stuff, Mum.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Useful stuff.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Oh, lovey, whatever are we going to do with you?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46CLOCK CHIMES
0:03:46 > 0:03:49And what are we going to do with this clock?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53That blooming Branestawm man was supposed to have fixed it.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- You never went to see the professor? - It was your Aunt Maggie's idea.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58She thought he might get it working again.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Nothing's right in the world.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Here, Connie, I've got an idea.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Seeing as you're not at school,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07you can make yourself busy and run an errand for me.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Oh!
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Would you take this clock back to the professor?
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Really?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Really truly?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- You'll let me visit the professor? - Just this once.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21If it'll cheer you up.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23But you've always said it would be too dangerous for me.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Are you bothered?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Connie, you've still got your books on your head, love.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Oh.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35That's clever.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Now, you be careful and hurry straight back.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Professor Branestawm, you have a visitor!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Argh!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Ouch! Please enter.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17EXPLOSION
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Argh!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Oomph!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Hello.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Hello?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Hello?!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Hello.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Are you all right.- Quite all right, thank you for asking.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Only you just flew out a window.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I'm doing some spring cleaning.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- Oh.- Spring cleaning is a silly, messy, tiresome,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42time-consuming business and my housekeeper, Mrs Flittersnoop,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45doesn't enjoy it one bit, which is why I've invented a machine
0:05:45 > 0:05:48to do it for her - the Professor Branestawm House Cleaning Machine!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- How does it work?- Well, it's quite simple, really, collects up all
0:05:51 > 0:05:54the rubbish and whatnot and wherefore and why on Earth,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- and throws it out!- That's clever. - Yes. Isn't it?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59It throws out everything - dust, dirt,
0:05:59 > 0:06:00fluff...
0:06:02 > 0:06:03..chairs...
0:06:05 > 0:06:06..wardrobes...
0:06:06 > 0:06:07MEOW!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Hmm, that looks like a cat...
0:06:09 > 0:06:11A WOMAN SCREAMS
0:06:11 > 0:06:12..and people.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I think I might have the cleaning level set rather too high.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17The machine's getting a little carried away.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Do you have some paper?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Yes...
0:06:20 > 0:06:23So, if the apex of the triangle ABC bisects the line DE...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Just as I thought!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Left to its own devices it might destroy the whole house.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Interesting.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30I can only hope that it...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33SQUEALING
0:06:33 > 0:06:35There we go. It's thrown itself out.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Oh! Ah!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Ah, Mrs Flittersnoop!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Hello, Auntie Maggie.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Is it dangerous?- Highly.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Don't you think we ought to stop it?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Most probably. Which is why I've called for Colonel Dedshott.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Who's Colonel Dedshott?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Who's Colonel Dedshott? Who is Colonel Dedshott?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Great heavens!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Oh, my goodness me, and all that.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08That is Colonel Dedshott of the Catapult Cavaliers.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10What has happened? And why? And how?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Accident? Explosion?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Insurrection? - Spring cleaning.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17This is more serious than I thought! Battle stations!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Man the catapults!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Charge!- The colonel has never missed a train, an enemy,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25or an opportunity of getting into danger!
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Ooh!
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Ah!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30CLATTERING AND CRASHING
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I really think we ought to do something.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Hmm. We could have tea, I suppose.- Oh!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- What was that? - I think it was a vase.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Yes, Ming dynasty, early 15th century...
0:07:39 > 0:07:41No, Woolworths.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Why do you have so many pairs of glasses?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Oh, well, these are for reading, these are for writing,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50these are for looking at things very close up.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Good lord, a little girl!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55These are for looking at things very far away.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Hm, somebody in Germany is setting fire to their trousers.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02These are for looking at you over the top of.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Hm, another little girl. Are you twins? Interesting.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07These are for outdoors.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09And these...
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Hm, these aren't mine. Don't know how they got in there.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14And these... Ah!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- These are the most valuable pair! - What are they for?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18They're for looking for the others when I can't find them.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Glasses have a nasty habit of hiding from you.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- Ooooh!- Come back here, you coward!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Hello, Auntie!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Stop that man!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30SHOUTING AND CRASHING
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Get this thing off me!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Ah, well done, that man!
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I'm glad I had the foresight to invent an off switch for my device.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I really am too clever for my own good sometimes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Really, this is intolerable!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51CRASHING, MACHINE POWERS DOWN
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- Oh!- I couldn't agree more. Spring cleaning. Bad business.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Miss Silt, I want you to keep a complete record of proceedings.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- Take down everything I say. - Yes, Mr Haggerstone, sir.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Now, you, I presume, are Professor Branestawm.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I am he. Yes, I am. Marmalade?
0:09:10 > 0:09:11He am. He is.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I can vouch for he...for him.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16The man is a phenomenon, absolute genius.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I can't understand half the things he says.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21In fact, to tell you the truth, I don't understand a word of it.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Much too brainy for me. Makes my head go round and round.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Hm.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30I am Councillor Harold Haggerstone, of the Pagwell Town Council,
0:09:30 > 0:09:34and I am here to tell you that there have been complaints, Professor.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35- Complaints?- Complaints?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- Complaints.- Complaints.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- What sort of complaints? - Complaints?- Complaints.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Of noise, and mess and, I don't know,
0:09:42 > 0:09:46explosions and general disruption, that sort of thing.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48That sort of thing.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I've not met General Disruption. I know a Colonel Dedshott.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53In fact, there he is! Standing right there. What a coincidence.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Colonel, we were just talking about you.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- Pleased to meet you, Mr Horrid Hag.- Haggerstone.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- Haggerstone. - If you say so.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01I have reason to believe, Professor,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04that you have constructed an unlicensed workshop
0:10:04 > 0:10:07in your garden that poses a threat to health and safety,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10and I have orders for it to be torn down.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15There must be some mistake. The professor has permission
0:10:15 > 0:10:18to build his laboratory from the council. I'm quite sure of it.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21It says here in very small writing,
0:10:21 > 0:10:23that if you want to protest against the council's decision,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26you can go to the town hall meeting on Friday morning.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Well, there's no need for that. The professor has a permit.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I remember it arrived on my birthday.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33And I remember it was my birthday because the professor gave me
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- a brand-new camera... - Happy birthday, by the way.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Oh, thank you very much. It was a few years ago now.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40You can attend the meeting if you wish,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- but, I'm warning you, Branestawm... - No, I am warning you
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Argh! - Is that with three or four As, sir?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47No-one threatens my professor, Mr Harrid Hog!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Haggerstone. - I'll be the judge of that!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Do you have a licence for that catapult?- A licence?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I'll have you know, sir, I won catapulting gold
0:10:55 > 0:10:57at the Commonwealth Games!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Hm. Good day to you gentlemen, madam.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Mmm.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08I'll get him!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Ah! Oh!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Ah! Agh!
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Who on Earth was that?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- Fella by the name of Hobbit Hole. - Haggerstone.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Not to be trusted - shifty type,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- keeps changing his name. - Doesn't like toast.- Precisely!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I'm not one to complain, but this is one of those days.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28First your cleaning machine turns the house upside down
0:11:28 > 0:11:31and inside out, and then comes at me like a wild thing,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33so it does, and then the council comes nosing around with
0:11:33 > 0:11:36paperwork and warnings and I don't know what.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- Are you all right, Auntie? - I'm all a flutter, so I am,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40and me turned 40 - ahem! - this twelvemonth.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42It's a shame, that's what it is.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I shall need a lie down.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Ee, Connie, what are you doing here?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I brought the clock back that the professor mended for my mum.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Oh, don't tell me. It's not quite right.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53No, it's not right. It's all quite wrong.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Mum was wondering if you could take another look at it?
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Follow me!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02This is my Inventory, where I do all my inventing and suchlike.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06We'll have your clock fixed in three shakes of a lamb's jiffy.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20This is brilliant!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Look at all this stuff.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25What's this?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27That is a machine for herding cats.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30And this? What's this?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32One of my latest inventions.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35A portable telephone, imagine that!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37A telephone that you can always have with you.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- That would be amazing. - Then prepare to be amazed
0:12:39 > 0:12:43by the Professor Branestawm Portable Telephone Device Thing!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51BELL DINGS
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Ah. - BELL DINGS
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Touch.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Hello?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Hello, could you get me Lower Pagwell 232, please? Thank you.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Hello? Who is this?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10What do you mean I called you?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13I'm very busy demonstrating my new telephone,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I don't have time to be making phone calls.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Stop bothering me or I shall report you to the police,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21the Army, the Navy and the RSPCA!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I call it a mobile telephone!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I am working on a similar device for the police.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30So they can call the station when they're out chasing burglars
0:13:30 > 0:13:34and smugglers and female impersonators and the like.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Imagine that! A police box that you could travel around in?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39POLICE BOX THRUMS
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Now, who were you again, and what is it you want?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I'm Mrs Flittersnoop's sister Aggie's little girl, Connie,
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- and I've brought Mum's clock back. - Ah, yes, mmm, I remember this.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53I made some adjustments to it to improve its workings.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57It'll never run down and never need winding up ever again.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58But it's striking too many times.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00How so? How so? How so? How so?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Well, at six o'clock in the evening it struck 18 times,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- and at midnight it struck 24.- That's not a mistake. No, no, no, no, no.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09It's a 24-hour clock, my dear, it's the modern way.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Yes, but at one o'clock in the morning it struck 25 and woke
0:14:12 > 0:14:15the cat. And at two o'clock in the morning it struck 26, and so on.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Mmm, that's not right. It must be adding a chime every hour.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Look, it's coming up to four o'clock.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Hm, by my calculations, it should strike...40 times.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26CLOCK STARTS TO STRIKE
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Yes, I see the problem.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31There is a simple way to fix it, however.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32- Really.- Yes.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49There. Tell your mother it'll never wake the cat ever again.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- But how are we going to tell the time?- Ah...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- How's your end, Colonel? - Be careful.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Mind your backs.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02I'm much better going forwards. I'm not one to retreat.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10I don't know how your mother let it get to this stage!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12You really should have brought it to me sooner.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Could you pass me that screwdriver, please?
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Thank you.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I wish I could be like you.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Inventing things in my own Inventory.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23But all they teach me at school is how to find a nice husband
0:15:23 > 0:15:25and make tea for him and give him his slippers
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- when he comes home from work. - Slippers? Tea? Husbands? Otters?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29- I never said otters. - Quite right, too.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Otters have no place in this conversation.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Leave otters out of it!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35But this won't do, this won't do at all.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Science is a wonderful thing.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I shall teach you everything I know about it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Really? Are you sure?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44That'd be fantastic.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Tell me, what sort of an experiment would you like to start off with?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49An explosion?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51My favourite sort!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Bandits! Saboteurs!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Female impersonators!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59We're under attack, Mrs Flittersnoop!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09That went very well, I thought. Very well indeed.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Mrs Flittersnoop, time for tea.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14After all, the clock has just struck 40.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Oh, what have you done now?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Look at the state of you both.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20My sister Aggie will have a purple fit.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I have been giving this small person, whoever she is,
0:16:22 > 0:16:26possibly some kind of pygmy, science lessons.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29But you won't be able to give me any more if the council comes
0:16:29 > 0:16:31and closes down your Inventory and stops your experiments.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Hmm.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36You must make sure you go to the meeting on Friday.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Tell them all about the amazing stuff you've invented,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41like the mobile telephone, and the cat herder.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43The cat herder doesn't actually work.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44And then they'll understand,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47and they won't make you close down your Inventory.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Not sure the telephone does, either.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50FIZZING
0:16:50 > 0:16:52CLATTERING
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Or that.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56# Oh, the factories may be roaring
0:16:56 > 0:16:59# With a boom-a-lacka zoom-a-lacka wee
0:16:59 > 0:17:02# But there isn't any roar when the clock strikes four
0:17:02 > 0:17:04# Everything stops for tea
0:17:04 > 0:17:07# Oh, a lawyer in a courtroom
0:17:07 > 0:17:10# In the middle of an alimony plea
0:17:10 > 0:17:14# Has to stop and help them pour when the clock strikes four... #
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Stop that!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18# Everything stops for tea
0:17:18 > 0:17:21# It's a very good English custom
0:17:21 > 0:17:23# And a stimulant for the brain
0:17:23 > 0:17:25# When you feel a little weary
0:17:25 > 0:17:27# A cup will make you cheery
0:17:27 > 0:17:29# And it's cheaper than champagne... #
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Oh, ah!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33# Now I know just why Franz Schubert
0:17:33 > 0:17:35# Didn't finish his unfinished symphony... #
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Oh!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39# He might have written more, but the clock struck four
0:17:39 > 0:17:42# And everything stops for tea. #
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Hurry up, Professor, the council meeting is at ten o'clock!
0:17:48 > 0:17:52As you can see, it will provide a huge boost to the economy
0:17:52 > 0:17:56of Pagwell - indeed, the entire area of Upper Pagwell, Lower Pagwell,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Great Pagwell, Pagwell Green and Pagwell-Under-Water.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Which is why I am urging you, ladies and gentlemen,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04to allow me to build...
0:18:05 > 0:18:07(The model, Angelica, the model!)
0:18:08 > 0:18:12..a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Yes, Pagwell shall be famous for its munitions!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Missiles, shells, grenades of all shapes and sizes,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23bombs, bullets, bazookas,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25ballistic boomerangs,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27brickbats, blockbusters,
0:18:27 > 0:18:31maybe even some of those Japanese throwing star things, hmm?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Lovely, lovely munitions.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Thank you, Mr Bullimore, for a most informative presentation.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42I think we can all agree that having a giant munitions factory
0:18:42 > 0:18:45right in the middle of town will benefit all of us
0:18:45 > 0:18:48greatly and really put Pagwell on the map.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52So, all those in favour of building a giant munitions factory
0:18:52 > 0:18:56right in the middle of town, please, raise your hands.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00SNORING
0:19:00 > 0:19:02What's the matter with you all?
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Don't you want a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07- Won't it be rather...- What?
0:19:07 > 0:19:12Well, dirty and noisy and, well, dangerous?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Oh, don't worry about any of that.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I've only ever had two of my factories blow up
0:19:17 > 0:19:18and demolish the entire area.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21But what about hazardous waste? Poisonous chemicals?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23All that sort of thing?
0:19:23 > 0:19:27All the poisonous waste will be safely pumped into the River Pag.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Ah!
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Gentlemen! This giant munitions factory right in the middle of town
0:19:32 > 0:19:36will establish Pagwell as a leading industrial centre,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39and announce your town to the world with a BANG!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Oh, for Pete's sake!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Thank you!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Er... What, what? What's going on?
0:19:46 > 0:19:47What did he say?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Mr Bullimore wants to build a giant munitions factory
0:19:50 > 0:19:52right in the middle of town.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56A giant munitions factory right in the middle of town?
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Out of the question.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59But this is progress, Mr Mayor.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03The people of Pagwell marching boldly into the future,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06and only occasionally being blown up.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10This land was given to the local people by Lord Pagwell
0:20:10 > 0:20:14in 16...something or other and something else.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18There have never been any factories in Pagwell and there never will be.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It is written...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22FANFARE ..in the town charter,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24guaranteed for all time,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27that no building taller than the church spire
0:20:27 > 0:20:30shall ever be built here in...in...in Pagwell.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I think we could at least debate the matter.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I don't. What's next?
0:20:35 > 0:20:40The vicar would like to say a few words about his latest cause,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42and then we are to rubber stamp
0:20:42 > 0:20:46the closing down of Professor Branestawm's illegal laboratory.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48What's that?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Ah yes, Professor Branestawm has an illegal workshop in his garden.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55And he says he has a permit for it, but we can find no record.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57As you know, most of our archives were destroyed
0:20:57 > 0:21:01in the Great Pagwell Zoo Disaster, when an escaped lion ate everything.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04(Shame that charter wasn't destroyed at the same time.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05(Well...)
0:21:05 > 0:21:09So, Branestawm says the council gave him permission to build a factory.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I suppose you could describe it as a factory,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13but without the paperwork...
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Yeah, yeah, come on, come on. Let's get on with it.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Vicar, you're up next, and don't be all day about it.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22My dear friends,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I'd like to talk to you about a matter of great import...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Get on with it, man! It's nearly time for our tea break.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Yes, of course.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32I'm raising money to buy hand-knitted waistcoats
0:21:32 > 0:21:35for the poor natives of South Crashbania.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36South Crashbania...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38DOOR BANGS OPEN Look sprightly, chaps.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Ah.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40That's it, careful now.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Mind you don't tip it over, and don't bash it into the doorframe,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45you'll damage the whatshisname
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- and bend the thingamajig. - Put it on the table.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Well, if it isn't the man with the little catapult.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Shot any sparrows lately with that toy of yours, Dedshott?
0:21:53 > 0:21:54I'll have you know, sir,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I was personally decorated by the King for my catapult skills.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Ridiculous.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02What the devil is that?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06It's a self-activated camellia sinensis infusion device,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08with multiple distributive facilities and a...
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- It's a tea-making machine.- Ah!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13It's a tea-making machine, yes.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33And what exactly is that supposed to be, Connie?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34A volcano.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37You are supposed to be making fairy cakes. Not volcanoes.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I've been testing the combustible properties
0:22:39 > 0:22:40of various common kitchen ingredients...
0:22:40 > 0:22:43You've been testing my patience is what you've been doing.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Who taught you this?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- Professor Branestawm is giving me science lessons.- Is he?
0:22:48 > 0:22:49That menace!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I've made complaints about him.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Listen to me.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57When I was younger I wanted to be a scientist, just like you.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Yes. And you know what happened?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02The boy I loved, the light of my life,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Arthur - tall and strong and manly.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07He turned his back on me,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10just walked away and married a photographer's model instead.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14He didn't want a scientist for a wife.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Don't make the same mistakes I made or you will never be happy.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Now,
0:23:20 > 0:23:24you will forget everything that Professor Branestawm has taught you.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27You will get rid of this monstrosity
0:23:27 > 0:23:32and you will follow the recipe properly,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36like all the other good little girls.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I wouldn't poke it like that if I were you.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Oh, really?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- No.- Oh, why not?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45That's why.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47This is the last straw!
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Connie, you are going to regret this!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Tea is the lifeblood of any meeting!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I knitted the tea bags myself, many of them V-neck.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Get that thing out of here.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03You are disrupting the meeting and damaging a very valuable table.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Not so fast. I'm spitting feathers here, Haggerstone.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08It's Hackerbone, actually.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09I'm dying for a cuppa.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Does this thing do cake and biscuits as well as tea?
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Of course! It will revolutionise tea time at the town hall.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Well, let's try it out, then.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21You can stand down, Vicar.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Yes, we'll, er...- Whoa!
0:24:23 > 0:24:27..we'll get onto the natives of South Crashbangwallop later.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31I'd recommend English Breakfast Tea.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34They don't make an English Lunch Tea for some reason.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I'll make a note of that for later.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Ah, the water's coming nicely to the boil.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Before you interrupted us we were about to discuss
0:24:41 > 0:24:44the matter of the illegal structure in your garden.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- That's why we're here, Mr Haggis-Head.- Haggerstone!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48That's what I said.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51It is not an illegal structure, it's an Inventory,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54for inventing world-changing devices like this!
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Tea in the hole!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Yes, but unless you have a written permit for the shed...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I do have a permit somewhere. I'm quite sure of it.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I'm just not very good at looking for things.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Well, unless you can find it, we can't allow...
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Ah. - Milk and sugar?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Please. As I was saying, without the proper permit...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- One lump or two? - Er, two. Two, please.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17The, er, illegal structure is not only an eyesore but...
0:25:20 > 0:25:21That was the colonel's idea.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Bravo. Well played. Shot, sir.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Plenty of milk and four sugars for me, please, Prof.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Ah! Splendid.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Oh!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Oh!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Without proper planning permission,
0:25:42 > 0:25:44the structure cannot be allowed to stand.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Ha! Splendid.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Ah, capital!- Mmmm.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Ooh!
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Ah!
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Ah!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Just say "when".
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- When!- When!- When!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21It's running a little fast. I just...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Clutch in.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29As I was saying...
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Argh! This is intolerable!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I agree, there won't be any left for anyone else.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36I really must insist that...
0:26:36 > 0:26:38MUFFLED PROTESTS
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Somebody do something!
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Shut it down!
0:27:18 > 0:27:22I must have miscalculated the milk-to-tea ratio.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30The main switch has temporarily come off in my hand
0:27:30 > 0:27:32but I'm pleased to say I had the foresight to fit
0:27:32 > 0:27:34an override button that...
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Stop it, I say!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Connie, can you fetch my special hammer, please?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Connie? Connie?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48If we don't put a stop to Professor Branestawm
0:27:48 > 0:27:50he'll destroy this whole town!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55We must impound this infernal machine,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58and in the absence of any legal permit,
0:27:58 > 0:27:59I move that the professor
0:27:59 > 0:28:03be forbidden to invent anything, ever again!
0:28:03 > 0:28:04All those in favour raise their hands.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Count them, Miss Silt.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Argh!
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Oh! Whoa!
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Well, that went very well, I thought, Dedshott. Very well indeed.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27A few minor tweaks and adjustments,
0:28:27 > 0:28:29but otherwise the machine was a triumph.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Not so sure about that, Professor. It nearly killed two people.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Three, actually, but we mustn't focus on minor details.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37The quality of the tea was excellent.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Be that as it may, we shall have to search the house from top to bottom
0:28:41 > 0:28:44and side to side to find that permit of yours,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46or your inventing days in Pagwell will be over.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Ah, dear me. Yes, I should have to sell up and move away.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Ha! I don't remember leaving that window open.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56I'm glad I did though, I forgot my key.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07So, you reckon you keep all your important documents
0:29:07 > 0:29:09in or around this desk, here.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Yes, indeed. Yes, everything in its place and a place for everything.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16It'll be like looking for a needle in a large pile of needles.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Where shall we start?
0:29:23 > 0:29:26She said that unless I stop seeing Professor Branestawm
0:29:26 > 0:29:28she's going to expel me from the school.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Well, I think that's perfectly preponstrous.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33The professor's not a bad influence! (Well, only a little bit.)
0:29:33 > 0:29:36If you have to leave that school, Connie, I'd have to send you away
0:29:36 > 0:29:40to Lady Tribade's Academy For Nice Young Girls Who Like Horses.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42I am NOT going there.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44They wear pink uniforms.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47And they don't teach science.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50- And I'd never see you.- Well, I can't teach you at home, Connie.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53I don't know about all that stuff, science and maths and engineering -
0:29:53 > 0:29:55not like your dad.
0:29:58 > 0:29:59I wish I'd known him.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02You were only a tiny baby when he died.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05All I've ever known is you.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07I don't want to go away, Mum.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09And you won't, darling.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14I'll explain to the professor about your lessons, Connie.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16No, I'll do it myself.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19I'd like to see him one last time.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Oh, mercy me! Whatever has occurred?
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Have you been making an explosion again or suchlike, Professor?
0:30:28 > 0:30:31I'm looking for the permit, Mrs Flittersnoop. If I can't find it,
0:30:31 > 0:30:33we shall have to sell up and move to Lower Longbottom.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35What's it look like?
0:30:35 > 0:30:37It's a small town, with houses and a medieval market square.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40- Not Lower Longbottom! What's your permit look like?- No idea.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43It was a greenish-looking document. I only saw it the one time.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45It was on my birthday. I remember it was my birthday
0:30:45 > 0:30:47because you'd given me my camera, Professor,
0:30:47 > 0:30:49and I remember taking a picture of you
0:30:49 > 0:30:51as you came back from the council,
0:30:51 > 0:30:52waving it in the air like you'd won the pools.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Happy birthday, by the way.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Oh, thank you. It was a couple of years ago now.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58I'll have a proper look for it and a tidy up.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00You should invent a document-finding machine.
0:31:00 > 0:31:01Excellent idea. Yes. That's more like it.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03We shall need some string and some otters.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05- Otters? - Not otters, no. They tend to break.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07Now, wait a minute, Branestawm.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09The councillor said you're not allowed to invent anything new
0:31:09 > 0:31:11until you've shown them the permit.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13That's thrown a "spaniel" in the works.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Unless, what if it wasn't me doing the inventing?
0:31:15 > 0:31:17What if it was this small...man?
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Apologies, girl.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22I need to talk to you about that.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25- I won't be having any more lessons. - But I've almost perfected
0:31:25 > 0:31:28- the photographic liquid we were working on.- I'm not allowed.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31I'm sure you could have one last lesson, Connie.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33I won't tell anyone, if you won't.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Enter! Oh, there's nobody there!
0:31:40 > 0:31:41Excellent.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Now, we add 25 millilitres of whatchamacallit,
0:31:44 > 0:31:48to 50 millilitres of whatever on Earth this stuff is
0:31:48 > 0:31:50and we're ready to give it a try.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Oh. Are you all right? You don't seem your usual self.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58I was just thinking how much I shall miss all this,
0:31:58 > 0:31:59and how much I shall miss you.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03I mean, you're dangerous, you're careless, you're forgetful,
0:32:03 > 0:32:06- and everything you touch seems to break or explode...- Now, listen.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08I've been thinking about you, what was your name again?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10- Connie.- Connie! Yes.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12Really? Well, Connie,
0:32:12 > 0:32:15I know your father died a long time ago,
0:32:15 > 0:32:17and you've never really had a father of your own.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20You always wanted someone in your life to do the sort of things
0:32:20 > 0:32:22- that a father does. - Well, yes.- Hm.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25Well, here I am, stuck in here,
0:32:25 > 0:32:28inventing things all by myself,
0:32:28 > 0:32:33and I was wondering, what could I do about your situation?
0:32:33 > 0:32:34Yes?
0:32:34 > 0:32:36So I invented this.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41- Hello, Connie. - It's a robot father!
0:32:41 > 0:32:44Shall we do some maths together?
0:32:44 > 0:32:45Um, OK.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Two plus two is three.
0:32:47 > 0:32:48- No!- Six.- No!- Two.- No!
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Four.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53- There you go. - How about a game of football?
0:32:53 > 0:32:55How about a game of football?
0:32:55 > 0:32:58- How about a game of football? - Ow! Ow! Ow!
0:32:58 > 0:33:011-0 to me. To me. Let's go fishing.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02Has anyone seen my newspaper?
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Let me give you a hug.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06- Let me give you a hug. - Ow! Get off me!
0:33:06 > 0:33:07Let me give you a hug.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- Professor, stop him! - Let me give you a hug.- Get off me!
0:33:10 > 0:33:14You make a start on the washing up, I just need to go to the loo.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Has anyone seen my newspaper?
0:33:16 > 0:33:17Let's go fishing.
0:33:17 > 0:33:18Give me a hug.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20I'm just going to the pub.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Do you know the cricket score?
0:33:22 > 0:33:25This government is an absolute shambles!
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Has anyone seen my newspaper...?
0:33:27 > 0:33:29I wonder if we'll ever see him again.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33- KNOCK AT DOOR - Begging you pardon, Professor, sorry to interrupt you and all that,
0:33:33 > 0:33:36and everything else besides, but I found this when I was tidying up.
0:33:36 > 0:33:37- What is it? Is it dangerous? - No, sir.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40It's your photograph album that we were looking for just the other day.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Auntie, look, you can be the first person to see our new invention.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45That's it, just a tiny amount.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48Yeah, very good, I'm sure,
0:33:48 > 0:33:50but I really must be getting back to my tidying.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Wait, wait, wait, it takes time. Look! Look!
0:33:53 > 0:33:56Oo-er, it's going all lumpy, like.
0:33:58 > 0:33:59Oh, my.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Try one.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09They're a little...papery-tasting.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12- Better try another.- It's like eating a chocolate in a dream,
0:34:12 > 0:34:15a chocolate that's not there at all but seems to be.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17It's a pity that it costs more to make the liquid than it would
0:34:17 > 0:34:19- to buy the chocolates. - You don't say.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21And the things it brings to life will go back as they were
0:34:21 > 0:34:23once the liquid has dried off,
0:34:23 > 0:34:26- unless they're all eaten first. - It really is a marvel.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29I certainly couldn't have done it without the help of this
0:34:29 > 0:34:31clever little leprechaun.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35I rather think you should be getting home, Connie,
0:34:35 > 0:34:38- before anyone finds out about this. - I suppose so.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Get in, Haggerstone.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50Erm, I'm quite happy walking, thank you, Mr Bullimore.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Oh, do shut up and get in.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02That was a shambles earlier, Haggerstone.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05You assured me you could swing the vote my way.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07It's that blasted charter.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10We can't do anything in this town as long as it exists.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13I have a vision of a dynamic, modern Pagwell,
0:35:13 > 0:35:16with factories and car parks,
0:35:16 > 0:35:19roundabouts, hundreds of them, festooned with traffic lights,
0:35:19 > 0:35:20a ring road,
0:35:20 > 0:35:22two ring roads!
0:35:22 > 0:35:24And shopping centres, miles out of town...
0:35:24 > 0:35:26- Bollards.- Sorry?
0:35:26 > 0:35:28You must have bollards. I love bollards.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31Yes, and an army of traffic wardens.
0:35:31 > 0:35:32Oh, put a sock in it, Haggerstone.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35All I'm interested in is making lots of money.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Together, I think we can both achieve what we want -
0:35:38 > 0:35:40you want Branestawm out of town,
0:35:40 > 0:35:45and I want to build a huge great dangerous munitions factory.
0:35:45 > 0:35:46Yes.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50What if I were to tell you that Branestawm did have a permit
0:35:50 > 0:35:54that allowed him to build a workshop in his garden?
0:35:54 > 0:35:56That would be annoying.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59I was rather hoping he was going to sell his house and move away.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Then prepare to be annoyed.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04But I can make this document disappear.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07And Branestawm, if he wants to carry on inventing,
0:36:07 > 0:36:10will have to move elsewhere, allowing me to buy his house.
0:36:10 > 0:36:15The perfect site on which to build a giant munitions factory.
0:36:15 > 0:36:20Provided we have a permit to build.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26I wouldn't want to do anything illegal, Mr Bullimore.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28- Get out!- Argh!
0:36:30 > 0:36:34Wait! Wait!
0:36:37 > 0:36:42Demolish his workshop, get rid of Branestawm and I can start building.
0:36:42 > 0:36:46It would have to be a very small factory, no taller than the church,
0:36:46 > 0:36:48which has one of the shortest spires in England.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50As long as that blessed charter exists
0:36:50 > 0:36:54- I can't see anything ever happening in Pagwell.- You leave that to me.
0:36:56 > 0:36:57Drive, Norman, drive.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20How about a game of football?
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Whoa!
0:37:26 > 0:37:29- RADIO:- 'Very good ladies. Now really lift those knees.
0:37:29 > 0:37:33'Lift and stretch and lift and stretch...'
0:37:33 > 0:37:34DOOR OPENS
0:37:34 > 0:37:36'Lift and stretch and lift...'
0:37:36 > 0:37:39- How did it go, dear? - All right.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41'That's it. Now, running on the spot.
0:37:41 > 0:37:47'Run, and run, and run, and run, and run. That's it!'
0:37:47 > 0:37:48- Mum?- Yes, lovey?
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Were you in love with Dad?
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Oh, what a funny question. Of course I was.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55Why ever would you ask such a thing?
0:37:55 > 0:37:58It didn't matter to you that he was a bus driver?
0:37:58 > 0:38:01No, lovey, not one bit. He was a lovely man,
0:38:01 > 0:38:04- that's all that mattered to me. - And he didn't mind what you did?
0:38:04 > 0:38:07No, lovey. I was working in a fishmonger's when we met,
0:38:07 > 0:38:09I stank of halibut and hake.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11But he didn't mind, not one bit.
0:38:11 > 0:38:15When two people love each other it doesn't matter what you smell like.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17I thought so. He looks nice in the photographs.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19Oh, he was lovely.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24A photograph! That's it, there might be a photograph!
0:38:24 > 0:38:26What?
0:38:26 > 0:38:27Connie, wait!
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Delicious, Mrs Flittersnoop, did you knit the tea bags yourself?
0:38:32 > 0:38:34They're from the corner shop.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37The colonel took a photograph on his birthday
0:38:37 > 0:38:40you with your permit. Maybe there's a picture of you in the album.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42- Connie, what are you doing? - What?- What?
0:38:42 > 0:38:45Oh, I'm sorry, she just came running over here, I couldn't stop her.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47There might be photograph of you with your permit in the album.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49That will be proof.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51Great Scott and all his penguins!
0:38:51 > 0:38:53She's right!
0:39:08 > 0:39:11So, you're quite clear what needs to be done?
0:39:11 > 0:39:12I think so.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15"I think so" isn't good enough, Angelica. Are you quite sure?
0:39:15 > 0:39:18- I think so. - Stop saying, "I think so".
0:39:18 > 0:39:19What do you want me to say?
0:39:19 > 0:39:23Just say yes, you infuriating little damp tissue of a woman.
0:39:23 > 0:39:24- Yes.- Yes, what?
0:39:24 > 0:39:28- Yes, I think so.- Argh! - Whatever you say, darling.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30Give me strength. Repeat after me.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33"I need to make it look like Branestawm's tea-making machine
0:39:33 > 0:39:36"started a fire and accidentally destroyed the pesky Pagwell charter,
0:39:36 > 0:39:38"thus cooking Branestawm's goose once and for all
0:39:38 > 0:39:41"and allowing me to buy his house and build a factory on it."
0:39:42 > 0:39:48Erm, I need to make it look like Branestawm's tea-making machine
0:39:48 > 0:39:50has, erm...
0:39:50 > 0:39:53made tea and...
0:39:53 > 0:39:55- cooked a goose...- No!
0:39:55 > 0:39:56- No, no, no, no, no.- Oooh!
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Oh, you're confusing me.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01Right, we'll start again. Listen very carefully.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Ha, ha. There's one of me as a baby.
0:40:06 > 0:40:10And there's one of Mrs Flittersnoop on her way to a fancy dress party,
0:40:10 > 0:40:12- as Atilla The Hun, I do believe. - Little Bo Peep.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Exactly. Oh, there's another one of her.
0:40:15 > 0:40:16Out of focus, I'm afraid.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Oh, and that one's not much better either.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21Only half of PC Peasey made it into shot.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24You're going to be amazed and confounded, Aggie,
0:40:24 > 0:40:25let's find a good picture.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27And who's this? I recognise her.
0:40:27 > 0:40:31Ah, Mrs Flittersnoop, do you recognise these young lovers?
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Oh, that's your teacher, Connie, Miss Blitherington.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36As I remember, she had a terrific crush on that young man.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38- Wasn't she pretty?- She was.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41- Will this one do? - Oh, let me see.
0:40:41 > 0:40:47- Oh, you just watch this, Aggie. The cat will come to life.- Ooh!
0:40:47 > 0:40:50I do hope it's not a scratchy sort of one.
0:40:50 > 0:40:51It quite likely is, I'm afraid, Aggie.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54Most of the professor's books are about wildish sort of animals.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Ah, now what's this?
0:40:56 > 0:40:57Oh!
0:40:57 > 0:41:01What's it doing? Why's it meowing over and over like that?
0:41:01 > 0:41:02I don't like it, it's not natural.
0:41:02 > 0:41:05It must have been meowing when the photograph was taken
0:41:05 > 0:41:07and now it can't stop. Interesting.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09- Oh!- Oh!
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Oh, dear, I must have squirted too much liquid on
0:41:12 > 0:41:14and it's soaked through to the picture underneath.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Oh, what shall we do?
0:41:16 > 0:41:18- Oh!- This is giving me the heebie-jeebies, so it is!
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Halt! Stop that cat. Come on, Connie!
0:41:20 > 0:41:22- Not to mention the screaming ab-dabs!- Oh, my shredded nerves!
0:41:22 > 0:41:25Come along, let's go back to yours and have some tea.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27- I can't take all this kerfuffle! - Oh! Oh! Oh!
0:42:04 > 0:42:08MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!
0:42:10 > 0:42:13MEOW!
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Interesting, very interesting.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21It must have dried out and gone back to being a photograph.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Good after...noon.
0:42:31 > 0:42:34Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
0:42:34 > 0:42:35Ah.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37I got my results, Mother, it's a first.
0:42:37 > 0:42:39I got my results, Mother, it's a first.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45- Hadn't I better take my hat off first?- What's going on?
0:42:45 > 0:42:48The liquid must have spilled onto the photograph album.
0:42:48 > 0:42:50They're all saying whatever they happened to be saying
0:42:50 > 0:42:53- when the picture was taken. - How will my uniform come out?
0:42:53 > 0:42:57I say, what a ripping camera, Just what I want for my birthday.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00I say, what a ripping camera, just what I want for my birthday.
0:43:00 > 0:43:04Baby want petty things. Baby want petty things.
0:43:04 > 0:43:08- Terrible, terrible! - Pass along, pl... Pass along, pl...
0:43:08 > 0:43:11Oh, dear, what if I get mixed up with all these
0:43:11 > 0:43:14come-to-life-photo sort of people and forget which is really me,
0:43:14 > 0:43:17and then dry out and become a photograph?
0:43:17 > 0:43:21- That couldn't happen.- That couldn't happen, of course not, no.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
0:43:29 > 0:43:31LIGHTER STRIKES
0:43:35 > 0:43:37Oh!
0:43:54 > 0:43:57I say, Professor, any luck finding that permit, old chap?
0:43:57 > 0:43:59Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
0:43:59 > 0:44:03- What?- Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
0:44:03 > 0:44:05Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
0:44:05 > 0:44:07I heard you the first time, dear fellow.
0:44:07 > 0:44:10Not sure I'm quite following you, but that's nothing new.
0:44:10 > 0:44:12Oh, ploof wiff a woogle!
0:44:12 > 0:44:13Yes, indeed.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15I've had my results, Mother, it's a first.
0:44:15 > 0:44:18- I've had my results, Mother, it's a first.- Most peculiar.
0:44:18 > 0:44:21How will my uniform come out? How will my uniform come out?
0:44:21 > 0:44:23What's this? Imposter!
0:44:23 > 0:44:26Scoundrel! That's not me at all.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29I'm me here! Imposter, I say! Wait till I catch you.
0:44:29 > 0:44:30Police! Police!
0:44:30 > 0:44:34Pass along, pl... Pass along, pl... Pass along, pl...
0:44:34 > 0:44:37How will my uniform come out? How will my uniform come out?
0:44:37 > 0:44:39Are you sure I don't look stupid in this?
0:44:39 > 0:44:41Are you sure I don't look stupid in this?
0:44:41 > 0:44:44Are you sure I don't look stupid in this?
0:44:44 > 0:44:45How will my uniform come out?
0:44:45 > 0:44:47Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
0:44:47 > 0:44:49How will my uniform come out?
0:44:49 > 0:44:52You again! Only you're not you, are you? You're another imposter.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54What have you done with the real professor?
0:44:54 > 0:44:58You don't fool me for one moment. You're just another photograph.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00- Who are you calling a snapshot, you rotter?- Hm,
0:45:00 > 0:45:03you're having a proper conversation with lots of words in it -
0:45:03 > 0:45:05maybe it's me that's the photograph, not you. That's awkward.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08You're talking like the real professor - in gibberish.
0:45:08 > 0:45:11So that means you're the real Colonel Dedshott?
0:45:11 > 0:45:14And you must be the real Branestawm. What's going on, Prof?
0:45:14 > 0:45:16Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
0:45:16 > 0:45:19Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22- But I love you, Arthur. - And I cannot love you, Verity,
0:45:22 > 0:45:27as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
0:45:27 > 0:45:30You beast! If you really loved her, it wouldn't matter!
0:45:30 > 0:45:33- But I love you, Arthur. - And I cannot love you, Verity,
0:45:33 > 0:45:37as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
0:45:37 > 0:45:39Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
0:45:39 > 0:45:41Had I better take my hat off first?
0:45:41 > 0:45:43Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
0:45:43 > 0:45:46Until the liquid dries out, these come-to-life-photo sort of people
0:45:46 > 0:45:49- are going to run amok! - I understand. Except I don't.
0:45:49 > 0:45:51My head is going round and round as usual.
0:45:51 > 0:45:55Look, Colonel, I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all!
0:45:55 > 0:45:57- Professor! - The drying time depends...
0:45:57 > 0:46:00Professor, Colonel, I found the photograph of you with the permit.
0:46:00 > 0:46:04Look, Colonel! I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all!
0:46:04 > 0:46:05What? What?
0:46:05 > 0:46:08We must catch it before it dries out and blows away!
0:46:08 > 0:46:09Stop that photograph!
0:46:09 > 0:46:11Catch him!
0:46:11 > 0:46:12Halt!
0:46:12 > 0:46:15..I can build my Inventory after all!
0:46:15 > 0:46:17Stop!
0:46:17 > 0:46:19Come back!
0:46:19 > 0:46:22..I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all.
0:46:27 > 0:46:29Stop!
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Are you sure I don't look stupid in this?
0:46:31 > 0:46:34THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:46:34 > 0:46:36Connie, what are you doing?
0:46:36 > 0:46:37Stop it!
0:46:37 > 0:46:39And don't run in public.
0:46:39 > 0:46:41Look!
0:46:41 > 0:46:45..as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47But I love you, Arthur.
0:46:47 > 0:46:49And I cannot love you, Verity,
0:46:49 > 0:46:54as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
0:46:54 > 0:46:56- Arthur? - But I love you, Arthur.
0:46:56 > 0:46:57And I cannot love you, Verity,
0:46:57 > 0:46:59as long as you persist with your silly...
0:46:59 > 0:47:01POP!
0:47:11 > 0:47:14Pass along, pl... Pass along, pl...
0:47:16 > 0:47:18Pass along, pl... Pass along, pl...
0:47:34 > 0:47:38Look, Colonel, I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all!
0:47:38 > 0:47:41Look, Colonel, I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all!
0:47:41 > 0:47:43I've got it! Proof you had the permit!
0:47:43 > 0:47:45See, he was allowed to build his Inventory.
0:47:45 > 0:47:49Never mind that, can't you see? The town hall is on fire!
0:47:49 > 0:47:51It's Branestawm's infernal tea-making machine.
0:47:51 > 0:47:53It must have gone wrong and started a blaze!
0:47:53 > 0:47:55Yes! That must be it!
0:47:55 > 0:47:57We should never have left it in there.
0:47:57 > 0:47:59This is the last straw, Branestawm. You've had it.
0:47:59 > 0:48:03If your machine burns down my lovely town hall
0:48:03 > 0:48:06I will personally run you out of town, Branestawm!
0:48:06 > 0:48:07Has anyone seen my wife?
0:48:07 > 0:48:10- But it wasn't switched on. - Curious.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12FIRE BELLS RING
0:48:21 > 0:48:23MODEL PEOPLE SCREAM
0:48:23 > 0:48:26The machine will still be full of milk and tea.
0:48:26 > 0:48:29I wonder if there's a way we can switch it on from here?
0:48:29 > 0:48:31Hmm. I may not be clever,
0:48:31 > 0:48:33in fact I'm positively stupid,
0:48:33 > 0:48:35I may not know about sums and algebra,
0:48:35 > 0:48:38in fact I don't even know what algebra is... Is it a country?
0:48:38 > 0:48:41..but I am the greatest catapult shot in England.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43Oh, put that silly thing away.
0:48:43 > 0:48:45Stand back, Hogwash-toad!
0:48:46 > 0:48:48Window, light, mirror,
0:48:48 > 0:48:51vase, switch.
0:48:51 > 0:48:52Here goes!
0:49:07 > 0:49:10CROWD APPLAUDS AND CHEERS
0:49:15 > 0:49:17It may be an 'opeless tea-making machine,
0:49:17 > 0:49:20but it's an excellent fire-putting-out machine.
0:49:20 > 0:49:22Well, I always intended a dual purpose.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24I just wasn't sure what the other one was.
0:49:24 > 0:49:26Branestawm is the hero of the day.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:49:38 > 0:49:41You useless, rotten, feeble,
0:49:41 > 0:49:43rotten excuse for a woman.
0:49:43 > 0:49:46Can't you ever get anything right?
0:49:46 > 0:49:48I should never have married you.
0:49:48 > 0:49:51I'm sorry, Arthur, I tried. I really tried.
0:49:51 > 0:49:54I did my best.
0:49:54 > 0:49:57And your best just wasn't good enough, was it?
0:49:57 > 0:49:58Arthur?
0:50:02 > 0:50:04Verity!
0:50:04 > 0:50:06You see, Angelica?
0:50:06 > 0:50:09This, this is the woman I should have married.
0:50:09 > 0:50:12She's strong, intelligent
0:50:12 > 0:50:16and she wouldn't keep mucking everything up.
0:50:16 > 0:50:18Well, quite frankly, Arthur,
0:50:18 > 0:50:20I'm glad I didn't marry you.
0:50:20 > 0:50:22The way you've turned out.
0:50:22 > 0:50:24You're a rotter!
0:50:26 > 0:50:28I should have done this a long time ago.
0:50:28 > 0:50:30CROWD GASPS
0:50:35 > 0:50:38You were right all along, Connie.
0:50:40 > 0:50:43See, there is proof, you silly man.
0:50:46 > 0:50:49A photograph is not evidence, my dear.
0:50:49 > 0:50:51No, but this is!
0:50:54 > 0:50:57Here, this belongs to you.
0:51:01 > 0:51:02Yes! It's the real permit.
0:51:05 > 0:51:07Hmph!
0:51:07 > 0:51:10I don't care about this piece of paper.
0:51:10 > 0:51:12If you have saved my lovely town hall
0:51:12 > 0:51:16I personally give you permission to carry on inventing
0:51:16 > 0:51:18here in Pagwell for as long as you like!
0:51:18 > 0:51:20CROWD CHEERS
0:51:20 > 0:51:22Let me give you a hug!
0:51:22 > 0:51:26Hello, I wonder if I might talk to you about my scheme to send
0:51:26 > 0:51:29hand-knitted waistcoats to the citizens of South Crashbania...
0:51:29 > 0:51:32What is that thing? Do you have a licence for it?
0:51:32 > 0:51:37- How about a game of football? - Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it off me!
0:51:37 > 0:51:391-0 to me.
0:51:39 > 0:51:43LAUGHTER
0:51:43 > 0:51:46Leave me alone! Stop it, you...!
0:51:46 > 0:51:50Now, I must get back to my Inventory,
0:51:50 > 0:51:53I'm positively buzzing with ideas for new inventions...
0:51:53 > 0:51:56A camera that's also a telephone, a book that reads itself,
0:51:56 > 0:51:58elasticated spaghetti,
0:51:58 > 0:52:00unbreakable otters, singing toast,
0:52:00 > 0:52:03a voice-activated picnic hamper,
0:52:03 > 0:52:05- loom bands...- Oooh!
0:52:05 > 0:52:08Ow, what are you doing? Leave me alone!
0:52:08 > 0:52:11How about a game of football?
0:52:11 > 0:52:13Will you stop kicking me!
0:52:13 > 0:52:15Stop kicking me!
0:52:16 > 0:52:17Right, ladies,
0:52:17 > 0:52:21time for your first science lesson,
0:52:21 > 0:52:25and we're going to start with a very important experiment.
0:52:25 > 0:52:27We are going to make...
0:52:28 > 0:52:30..an explosion!
0:52:30 > 0:52:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:52:35 > 0:52:37BOOM!
0:52:37 > 0:52:39HE CHUCKLES