0:00:03 > 0:00:05THUNDER RUMBLES
0:00:05 > 0:00:07LIGHTNING CRASHES
0:00:15 > 0:00:19I am not long for this world, vicar.
0:00:19 > 0:00:24I shall shortly be passing over to the other side.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Now, I wonder what Heaven will be like?
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Well, I should imagine it'll be jolly nice.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33No.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Before I go, I would like to settle my affairs.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Of course, Lady Pagwell.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42I would like to leave the sum
0:00:42 > 0:00:46of £127,
0:00:46 > 0:00:4913 shillings and sixpence to...
0:00:50 > 0:00:54...the Pagwell Cats' Home.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05One more thing.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09I would like to leave the sum of £94,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11five shillings and sixpence
0:01:11 > 0:01:15to the Pagwell Volunteer Lifeboat Service.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19But Pagwell doesn't have a lifeboat service, your ladyship.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21We're 50 miles from the sea.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Leave it to the owl sanctuary then.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27But Pagwell doesn't have an owl... Never mind.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Will that be all?
0:01:29 > 0:01:30I do-o-o-o...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32No-o-o-o...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And another thing.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43My dear, late husband...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46..what was his name again?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Norman.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52Norbert made his fortune by inventing the McGuffin Valve,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55which revolutionised
0:01:55 > 0:01:58the sherbet mining industry.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I would like to honour his memory
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- by setting up the Nigel McGuffin... - Norman?
0:02:03 > 0:02:10..Norbert McGuffin bequest, of £1,854
0:02:10 > 0:02:12and a thrupenny bit
0:02:12 > 0:02:19to fund research into inventing-ing-ing-ing-ing-ing...
0:02:19 > 0:02:24SHE GASPS FOR BREATH ..things here in Pagwell.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Ah!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30EERIE MUSIC
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I'm not dead yet!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44HAMMERING AND CLANKING
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Oh, that man.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53He'd be late for his own funeral.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Professor Branestawm, sir. If we don't leave now...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- BOOM! - Argh!- Ow!
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Ha-ha! Oof!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Oh, my!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Oh, dear.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Ah, Mrs Flittersnoop.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Whatever are you doing? Oh!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I've been working on a new invention,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16but I must've touched a live wire to the thingamajig,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- which resulted in a whatchamacallit. - Oh, this is no time to be inventing.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22We should've been at Connie's ages ago, if not sooner.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24But when it comes to inventing, Mrs Flittersnoop,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26you must strike while the iron's hot.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28IRON HISSES Ow!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30But if we don't leave now we shall miss the whole thing.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Yes, yes, yes, but this is important.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34What can be more important than Connie's grand opening?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Bills, Mrs Flittersnoop, bills.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I'm drowning in them. Gas, electric,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41water rates, the hardware shop,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44the chemist, the Society for Studying Plums of an Unusual Shape.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45What do they want?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49They want my annual subscription. I can't afford to pay it.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I can't afford to pay any of them,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54which is why I am working on this new invention.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Oh, what does it do?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- It's a machine for making bills smaller.- Ooh.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Yes, I use the pincers for preparation for picking peas,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03part of a pump for pickling pears
0:05:03 > 0:05:05and a piece of a prototype for paring pickles.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Well, that's a bit of a tongue twister.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Yes, you're quite right.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12That certainly is a bit of a tongue twister.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14You simply attach it to your tongue
0:05:14 > 0:05:17and it twists it, and it twists it...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Ooh, that does look nasty, Professor.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Ooh.- We really don't have time
0:05:22 > 0:05:25to be messing about with tongue twisters, Professor, we'll be late.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- Late?- For Connie's big event.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Ah, yes, yes, of course. You mustn't be late for that.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I've got to read this speech out.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"Ladles and jelly-beans..."
0:05:34 > 0:05:35That can't be right.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Have you seen my glasses, Mrs Flittersnoop?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Yes, many times. They're roundish and sort of see-through.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42No, I mean have you seen them today?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Why? Is there something special about them?
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Have you invented a new pair
0:05:45 > 0:05:47of, I don't know, special electric glasses?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49No, no, not at all.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Electric glasses, you say?
0:05:51 > 0:05:52- I must make a note of that.- Oh.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Electrified glasses.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Please, Professor, we really must leave!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Let's just try my new machine out on the bills first.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Oh!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11# It's a hap-hap-happy day
0:06:11 > 0:06:13# Toodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-lay
0:06:13 > 0:06:15# For you and me, for us and we
0:06:15 > 0:06:17# All the clouds have rolled away. #
0:06:17 > 0:06:20He'll be here, Connie. Don't you worry.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22He wouldn't miss this.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Oh, you can rely on Professor Branestawm.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Well, you can't, actually. Most forgetful man I ever met.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Do you know, once, he completely forgot where his house was?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33He lived in a tree for three weeks.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38MUSIC AND LAUGHTER
0:06:49 > 0:06:53So, a party on a Sunday.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I shall need to do something about this.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59That's it! Hold it still, Mrs Flittersnoop.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02You're hopping around like a flamenco dancer who needs the loo.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04We have to go, Professor.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05It won't take half a jiffy,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I turn the dial this way to make the bills smaller
0:07:08 > 0:07:12and this way to make cheques bigger. Rather clever, don't you think?
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Now, which bill have you got there?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Gas. £7 and six shillings.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17We'll see about that.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Oh!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21It worked! A triumph!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23The bill is considerably smaller.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25But it still says £7 and six shillings.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26What?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Yes, I'm not sure I've thought this through properly.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31That's what comes of inventing things in a hurry.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I'd better return it to its correct size and start again.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Oh!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Oh, yeah, the settings are rather sensitive.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I may have dialled it round too far. If I just...
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Oh, no! Stop it, stop it, stop it! We haven't time for this.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I'm going to turn this infernal machine of yours off.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49That's not the off switch, Mrs Flittersnoop!
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Oh, mercy me, whatever have I done?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52You've turned it up to maximum power!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- Oh!- Anything might happen.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Oh!- And it just has!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Oh!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Now what are we going do?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Get this thing off me!
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Oh!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Stop! Stop!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Hands up! Get away! Not today, thank you.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18THE BILL GROWLS
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Great care boxes!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Oh! What shall we do now?
0:08:21 > 0:08:26Run, Mrs Flittersnoop, like old boots. Like cats on hot bricks.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Like everything that is rapid and frantic, run!- Argh!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36THE BILLS SQUEAK AND CHATTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Now, as the Professor has obviously been held up,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49perhaps I should say a few words.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50I gave a speech the other day
0:08:50 > 0:08:53at a regimental dinner for the Catapult Cavaliers.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I had it all down on, er, assorted cards, you see?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Jokes and the like. I have some with me.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02She was only a sergeant major's daughter...
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- GUESTS BEGIN TO MUTTER - Ah, no, not appropriate.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08War is a marvellous thing...
0:09:08 > 0:09:10No, it's not.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12That won't do at all, will it? Ha.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Science is a marvellous thing,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17a simply marvellous thing.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19If only I knew something about it.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I'm fed up of this. Where is he? Where's the Professor?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27I'm going to go and find him.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Tell him what a flake he is for missing my party.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Oh, Connie, love.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"Flake"?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41THE BILLS CHATTER AND LAUGH
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Tut-tut, attacked by a mob of angry bills.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Hello!
0:09:52 > 0:09:56You see, Connie, I told you there'd be a perfectly simple explanation.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Ah! Colonel Dedshott, a timely arrival.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Have you forgotten where you live again, Professor?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04What? No!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07We're trying to protect ourselves from some wild waste paper.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09ELECTRICITY BILL CACKLES
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I never can understand a word you say.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Makes my head go round and round, scientific jargon and all that.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18It's not scientific jargon. Look!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Ah! Rustlers!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Let me at 'em!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Huzzah!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Waste paper must know its place.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Soon we'll have old envelopes running for parliament
0:10:31 > 0:10:33and crumpled-up balls of paper...
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Argh!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36..marrying our women folk!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- Get back. Ah! - BILL:- Huh?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Take that! - GAS BILL GROWLS
0:10:41 > 0:10:43How dare you, sir?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Tut-tut, as before.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47GAS BILL GROWLS
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Ah, Connie.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I'm sorry, I got a tiny bit delayed.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Never mind that.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Have you got any matches?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03That sorted that lot out.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- Yes.- Well done, Connie.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Good riddance, I say, to bad bills. - Ohh!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:11:11 > 0:11:13MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE HOUSE
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Branestawm! I might've known you were behind this.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Why, it's Mr Hobgoblin, come to join the party.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21It's Haggerstone.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Well, that's one way of pronouncing it, I suppose.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27It is totally unacceptable to have a party on a Sunday.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30There are antisocial levels of noise and I'm willing to bet
0:11:30 > 0:11:32you haven't got a licence for playing that music.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- Are you coming in or...? - No, I'm not! I was just saying...
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Suit yourself.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Laddies and guttersnipes...
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Hm? That can't be right.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Ah, that's better.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Ladies and gentlemen,
0:11:46 > 0:11:51it is a great honour for me to be opening Connie's very own laboratory.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I'm sure many excellent and extraordinary inventions
0:11:54 > 0:11:55will come out of it.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59FANFARE PLAYS
0:12:02 > 0:12:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:05 > 0:12:07# Oh, what a glorious thing to be
0:12:07 > 0:12:09# A healthy grown-up busy busy bee
0:12:09 > 0:12:11# Whiling away the passing hours
0:12:11 > 0:12:15# Pinching all the pollen from the cauliflowers. #
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Branestawm.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20It's always Branestawm,
0:12:20 > 0:12:24encouraging the spread of dangerous, unlicensed inventing
0:12:24 > 0:12:25here in Pagwell.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28If only there was some way I could get rid of him once and for all.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Did you know that Connie has been selling
0:12:30 > 0:12:32some of his inventions around town?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Yes, I bought a pair of socks that are held up by magnets.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37They're rather good.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Mm.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47Technically, Professor Branestawm is running a business from his premises
0:12:47 > 0:12:49and should be paying business rates.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54If we backdated them to when he built his inventory...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I see where you're going with this.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Exactly how much would he owe the council?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03£1,854 and thruppence?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07But that's £1,854 more than I have in the bank.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Well, never mind, we'll take the thruppence as down payment.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15But if you don't come up with the other £1,854
0:13:15 > 0:13:16by the end of the month,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19we shall have to repossess your property.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Invent your way out of this one, Branestawm.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27MECHANICAL BIRD: Ah! You make a lovely couple.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Right! Let's get on with it. What's up next, Miss Silt?
0:13:36 > 0:13:40The vicar would like to say a few words about his latest cause.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Oh, would he now? I suppose we have to let him.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44We do.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Go on, then, vicar, do your worst.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52I'd like to alert you to the plight of the Lithuanian tiny stupid owl.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53The what?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56The Lithuanian tiny stupid owl.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Most owls, as you know, are wise,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02but the Lithuanian tiny stupid owl,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05as it's name suggests, is not wise at all
0:14:05 > 0:14:08and is, therefore, on the verge of making itself extinct.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12It has a habit of trying to make friends with vicious cats,
0:14:12 > 0:14:15strolling blindfold across busy roads
0:14:15 > 0:14:18and water-skiing, even though it can't swim.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22I propose we build an owl sanctuary here in Pagwell.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We can't be diverting
0:14:25 > 0:14:28much-needed council funds towards stupid owls, vicar.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31We need more money for the giant statue of me that we're erecting
0:14:31 > 0:14:33right in the middle of town.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Well, Lady Pagwell has left the sum of £94, five shillings
0:14:36 > 0:14:38and sixpence towards it.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Well, that's not very much. It'll be a very small sanctuary.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43It's a very small owl.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Good, well, that's settled then.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Er, thank you very much, vicar, and-and bravo to Lady Pagwell.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Bravo indeed.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52A great lady and a great benefactor.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55She'll be sorely missed here in Pagwell.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58And so will Stanley, her otter.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Oh, actually, that leads me on to what I was going to discuss next.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03There's more?
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Yes.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09Lady Pagwell has left some other items to the town in her will,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11chief amongst which is a bequest.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14A bequest? Ah, that's more like it.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Yes, the Norman McGuffin bequest of £1,854
0:15:19 > 0:15:22and a thrupenny bit to fund research
0:15:22 > 0:15:26into inventing things here in Pagwell.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28That's the exact amount that Branestawm needs.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31She can't do that, the interfering old witch!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38STANLEY GROWLS
0:15:39 > 0:15:42And as there's only one inventor here in Pagwell...
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Hang on a minute there, vicar.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47..we'd better give all the money to Professor Branestawm.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49We need to discuss this.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52There may well be other inventors here in Pagwell.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Such as who, Haggerstone?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I don't know, but we can't just give the money away.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01In order for this bequest to be fair, Mr Mayor,
0:16:01 > 0:16:05we should... w-we should hold a competition.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Yes, whoever can come up with the best invention will win the money.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Oh, an inventing competition?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13That might be fun. Let's do it.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15All in favour?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Come on, vicar, stick your hand up and I'll personally donate £3
0:16:19 > 0:16:21towards your stupid owl sanctuary.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I'm still not sure who else is going to enter.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Professor Branestawm is the only inventor in Pagwell.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30We'll see about that.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37RADIO BROADCASTER: In foreign news, Squiglatania has declared war
0:16:37 > 0:16:39on neighbouring South Crashbania.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Hundreds of tanks have crushed buildings and blown up bridges
0:16:42 > 0:16:45and huge explosions have destroyed many towns along the border.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48The death toll is expected to be enormous.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50On a lighter note, the town of Pagwell has announced that
0:16:50 > 0:16:55it is running an unusual competition, to find the best local inventor.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56And finally...
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Do you think we might do an item on this? It sounds rather fun.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Perhaps get a local inventor to give a radio talk?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03I think I'll get onto it.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06..bringing hailstones the size of cauliflowers
0:17:06 > 0:17:08and heavy black clouds that look like angry pigs.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11ELECTRICAL CRACKLING Oh!
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Professor!
0:17:12 > 0:17:13- Where?- You.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- Me?- Never mind.- Oh.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Look at this.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19The town council are holding an inventing competition.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22The first prize is £1,854 and a thrupenny bit.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25But that's exactly the amount I need to pay my bills.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27If I can win the prize, I could save the house
0:17:27 > 0:17:30and still have thruppence left over to buy some paperclips.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- All you have to do is invent something amazing.- Right.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Like what?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I don't know. You're the proper inventor.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Am I?- Yes.- What?- You.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Me?- Professor.- Where?
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Oh, I'm sorry, Connie.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I've been all in a lather about my money problems lately.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48They've been hanging over me like an anvil tied to a dumbbell
0:17:48 > 0:17:50in a sack of potatoes.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51A what?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55That looks dangerous.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57It is.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Listen, Connie, I hope you've forgiven me for the other day,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01turning up late to your party.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02I know you get distracted.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05From now on I'm going to be a changed man, just you wait and see.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I'm not going to do anything to hurt you ever again.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Ah!
0:18:10 > 0:18:11What is that?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14It's a device for looking for unexpected beetles.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Or something.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I'm not sure that's going to win you the inventing prize.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19What else have you got?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21We've really got to knock the judges socks off.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Ah! Then I've just the thing.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26- What do you think?- What is it?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29It's a machine for knocking people's socks off.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Whoa!- Oof!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Sorry.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Have you got anything else?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39What about these?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Oh, don't touch those.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42They emit a powerful electric shock.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- What are they?- Electrified glasses.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46An idea of Mrs Flittersnoop's.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- What do they do? - I haven't quite worked that out yet.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50They may be for de-pipping grapes
0:18:50 > 0:18:52or for mending punctures on steam rollers.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Yeah.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57We're going to have to work together.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58But, between the two of us,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I'm sure we can come up with something amazing.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03ELECTRICAL CRACKLING Let's shake on it.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Woo, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Look out.- What?- Oh!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13How did you know that was going to happen?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I have absolutely no idea.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22That should do it.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26So remind me, Miss Silt, who exactly have we got coming this evening?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28The best inventors I could find.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Professor Michael Awfulshirt
0:19:31 > 0:19:33from Loughborough Technical Institute,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Professor Mary Oxford, from Trinity College, Cambridge,
0:19:36 > 0:19:41and Professor Algebrain from an unspecified European country.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42DOORBELL RINGS
0:19:42 > 0:19:46That'll be the first of them. Show them in, please, Miss Silt.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49God leevening.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Hail and well met.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I'm Michael Awfulshirt.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Come in, come in, take a seat.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Nuts?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I beg your pardon?
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Would you like some nuts?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01No, thanking you.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Hello! I'm Mary Oxford from Cambridge.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11I hate round things, most animals, jewellery
0:20:11 > 0:20:13and anything that isn't divisible by three.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I have built a death ray powerful enough to blow up the planet.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Very pleased to meet you, Professor Oxford.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- Crackers?- I beg your pardon?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Would you like some crackers?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Oh, thank you.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Ah! Good evening.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Enchanting, enchanting.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Permit me to introduce myself.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35I am Professor Algebrain from an unspecified European country.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Ze greatest inwentor in ze vorld.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Ah, and this must be Mr Hadderstrain.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Yes, that's right.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45It's Haggerstone, actually.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Welcome. Fruitcake?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I beg your pardon?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Would you like a slice of fruitcake?
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Maybe later. I had some bananas before I came out.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58So, you need look no further for an inwentor.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01I am renowned in all ze royal courts of Europe
0:21:01 > 0:21:04and, for ze past ten years, have been ze personal inwentor
0:21:04 > 0:21:07for General Firingsquad, ze ruler of Squigletania.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Isn't he a terrible dictator?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10He is an excellent dictator.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13He dictates like nobody's business.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20It needs to be something really useful,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22that everyone will want to have.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- What about a machine for polishing cannonballs?- No.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26A machine for peeling spuds?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28That's quite good,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30but it needs to be something that no-one's thought of before.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33A machine for peeling cannonballs.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Something useful.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38How about a machine that cooks a whole meal for you in five minutes?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Too boring by half.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42What about a rubber car for easy parking?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Multistorey safari park?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Pay-as-you-go muesli?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Nonstick glue? Seedless walnuts?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49A foot spa? Spotify?
0:21:59 > 0:22:00- MECHANICAL BIRD SQUAWKS - Argh!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03MECHANICAL BIRD: Good afternoon. Your bill, madam.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Oh!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07BILL GROWLS AND SNARLS
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Platform shoes for when your village doesn't have a station.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Luminous curtains. When you close them, the room gets brighter.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Mechanical sausages.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17How about a telephone that plays music and takes photographs?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Pfft, don't be ridiculous. Be serious, man.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21SCREAM FROM OUTSIDE
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Someone at the door.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26BILL GROWLS
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Shoo! Shoo!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Get away, you stupid thing.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38MECHANICAL BIRD: Ah! Get back in your envelope, big boy.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41So, what do you think?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Might you be interested in giving a talk on the radio, Professor?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Well, I've always wanted to share my knowledge with the wider public.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49You don't have time, Professor.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51You need to concentrate on your new invention.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Hush-hush, small child. This is grown-ups' business.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Yes, I could give a very interesting talk
0:22:57 > 0:23:01about the home habits of the lesser little wart, whatever that is.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02I'm sure it's something.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Um, Professor?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Where?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07We were thinking your talk would be more general than that.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09You know, something light and colourful,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11about being an inventor here in Pagwell.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Yes, yes, by all means,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15or "What is a solenoid?"
0:23:15 > 0:23:16What is a solenoid?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Or I could talk about the habits of the common dung beetle.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I wonder, are there any other inventors here in Pagwell?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Well, that's the nibbles dispensed with.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Time to see your inventions.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Who wants to go first?- May I?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Please do.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37ELECTRONIC HUMMING
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Intriguing.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42What is it?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45It is a nuclear-powered paperweight.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46AWFULSHIRT SNORTS
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I see.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51What does it do?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Well, it stops your papers from blowing away.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55ALGEBRAIN SNORTS
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I see.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Professor Awfulshirt, would you like to go next?
0:23:59 > 0:24:04Indeed, I do-de-do-de-do-de-do-de-do.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09I have invented a doobry that makes things invisible.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Well, that sounds more promising.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Are you able to demonstrate it?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16By all means, by my greens.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I call it my invisibleiser.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Excellent.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21So, make an adjustment.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26Perhaps you could place an object on the table that I might invisibleise?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Perfection.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Righty-doody.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Now, all I need to do is press this button here.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40ZAP!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Ah, I'm sorry. The beam must be off.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I appear to have invisibleised your paperweight.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49It took me ten years to make that.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Don't worry, I'll get it back.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Like so.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54ZAP!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Well, that wasn't supposed to happen.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57I'll try again.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00ZAP!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Whoa. Well, you know, things aren't going quite as well
0:25:03 > 0:25:05as I thought they would,
0:25:05 > 0:25:09so I'll just try one more minor adjustment then, hey, presto.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10ZAP!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12HE SIGHS
0:25:12 > 0:25:16OK. Well, as all the other candidates seem to have disappeared,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18looks like you've got the job, Professor Algebrain.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22You have made ze right choice. I will start straight avay.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I will need a clean room, a vorkshop and an assistant.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- AWFULSHIRT:- Er, I am still here.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Wagner
0:25:39 > 0:25:42TRANQUIL MUSIC
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- It's just, he makes me quite cross sometimes, Mum.- Mm.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I mean, what I like about him is that he invents things
0:25:58 > 0:26:00but that's all he ever thinks about.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I'm not sure he really cares about anyone else.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Well, he's...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07He's different to other people, love.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08He's a little...
0:26:08 > 0:26:09CUCKOO!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30He says he wants my help,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32but he doesn't listen to any of my ideas.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34He's a brilliant inventor,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36but sometimes his inventions are,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38well, a little bit...
0:26:38 > 0:26:39CUCKOO!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Ah, Mrs Vistlestop.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Enchanting.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51May I?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Oh, oh.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57I am Professor Algebrain from an unspecified European country.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I gather you have a room to let?
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Oh, why yes, I gather I do. That is to say I, I do, yes.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Um, how long would you be wanting to stay?
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Ah, just long enough to inwent
0:27:07 > 0:27:10the greatest inwention mankind has ever seen.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Shall we?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Oh, oh.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Right.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Ah! Is this your daughter?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Yes, that's my Connie. Yes.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Enchanting.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25She is perfectly charming.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27She's a real whizz at science, actually.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29You two should get on like a house on fire.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32She's even got her own little laboratory in the garden shed.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Oh, you must show me.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36- Oh, ha-ha.- This way.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Ah!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Zis is perfect.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47You shall be my assistant, Connie.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Ve vill do great things together, great things.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Ve vill conquer ze vorld!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Well, I'm not sure.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57I'm supposed to be helping Professor Branestawm.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Well, we'll sort that out.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02So! Show me what you have been doing here. It looks marvellous.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- Well, this here is a pair of binoculars...- A-ha.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07..that not only lets you see things from far away,
0:28:07 > 0:28:08you can also hear them and smell them.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10A-ma-zing.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12- May I try?- Yeah, of course.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13- Like zo?- Yes.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Uh-huh.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Right, let us see.
0:28:20 > 0:28:25Ha-ha! A fat policeman has just leaned over to tell off a small boy
0:28:25 > 0:28:27and he made a little fart.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32ALGEBRAIN STARTS TO GAG
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Show me what else you have.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38- I've been working on miniaturising things.- Ah, bravo.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42He's very clever and helpful. I'm not really sure what to do.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45I know you really need to win this inventing prize
0:28:45 > 0:28:47because you need the money or you'll lose your house.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50I just wondered if it was all right if Professor Algebrain helped me out
0:28:50 > 0:28:52for a bit, cos you never have time to come to my shed
0:28:52 > 0:28:54and then I'd still have time to help you.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Can you pass me a screwdriver, Connie?
0:28:55 > 0:28:59- You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?- Yes, indeed. What?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01I said, you haven't listened to a word I've said.
0:29:01 > 0:29:02Peculiar.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05- What?- Peculiar. I listened to that word.
0:29:05 > 0:29:06I distinctly heard it.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09The others were a bit of a blur, to tell you the truth,
0:29:09 > 0:29:12but you were talking very fast and I'm concentrating on my invention.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14You just don't care about me, do you?
0:29:14 > 0:29:16I'm rather busy at the moment.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Too busy to care?
0:29:18 > 0:29:21How about I care at, say, five o'clock this afternoon?
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Until then, I'll press on here
0:29:23 > 0:29:26because I really do need to get this working. It's very important to me.
0:29:26 > 0:29:30Don't bother to care about me at five o'clock or any other time
0:29:30 > 0:29:32because I'm going to go and help someone who appreciates me
0:29:32 > 0:29:34and isn't too busy to talk.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Ah! It's working, Connie.
0:29:45 > 0:29:46Connie, your hat!
0:29:48 > 0:29:49Connie?
0:29:55 > 0:29:57I don't know how long he's going to stay,
0:29:57 > 0:29:58but he's paid me a month in advance.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00I might treat myself to a new hat.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02I don't think you should've done it, Aggie.
0:30:02 > 0:30:03I don't call it playing fair
0:30:03 > 0:30:05to go taking in one of the enemy, so to speak.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08But he's got very good manners and Connie seems to like him.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10They're always inventing things together.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Well, that's as maybe and maybe not.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14Ooh, I almost forgot.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16I've got you a new recipe card.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18I copied it down off of the wireless.
0:30:18 > 0:30:19Beef stew with dumplings.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Oh they're useful as anything, old chap.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Yes, I used them at my speech for the regimental dinner.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33What I did was I wrote down everything I wanted to say
0:30:33 > 0:30:37on different cards. So, I'd have one card about cannonballs
0:30:37 > 0:30:39or how to saw off a wounded limb
0:30:39 > 0:30:41and the next would be a joke, do you follow me?
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Right, yes, cannonballs, cards, jokes, yes.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46But how does that affect me?
0:30:46 > 0:30:49- Well, you're giving your speech on the radio tomorrow.- Am I?
0:30:49 > 0:30:52Yes, I am! Quite so. I must write that on the back of my hand
0:30:52 > 0:30:55so I don't forget.
0:30:55 > 0:30:56Oh.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58I still can't decide whether to talk about the everyday life
0:30:58 > 0:31:00of an inventor here in Pagwell,
0:31:00 > 0:31:02the habits of the common dung beetle
0:31:02 > 0:31:04or "What is a solenoid?"
0:31:04 > 0:31:06What IS a solenoid?
0:31:06 > 0:31:07But don't you see, Prof?
0:31:07 > 0:31:10You can write all your different ideas down
0:31:10 > 0:31:11on the backs of my cards
0:31:11 > 0:31:14and then, on the day, you can choose what to speak about.
0:31:14 > 0:31:18Capital idea, yes, and it'll avoid any confusion.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21Ah! Professor Branestawm, I presume.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Allow me to introduce myself.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27I am Professor Algebrain of an unspecified European country
0:31:27 > 0:31:30und I am ze greatest inwentor in ze whole vorld.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33Pleased to meet you, I'm sure. Oh.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36I'm not going to give you an inkling as to vat it is I am inwenting.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Suffice to say, it will make you look like an amateur.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41A hopeless buffoon.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Disgraceful.
0:31:43 > 0:31:44Above that sort of thing, what?
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Fella ought to be... Huh? what do you say, Branestawm?
0:31:47 > 0:31:51"She was only the greengrocer's daughter, but..."
0:31:51 > 0:31:52Oh!
0:31:52 > 0:31:56You vill be banished from Pagvell like a bad stink, Branestawm.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59You vill crawl avay viz your tail between your legs
0:31:59 > 0:32:01and whenever ze name of Branestawm is mentioned,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04people vill laugh and make expressions like zo...
0:32:04 > 0:32:06und zo...
0:32:06 > 0:32:07und zo!
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Your name will be carved in ze Hall Of Infamy.
0:32:11 > 0:32:12Toast?
0:32:16 > 0:32:17Good day.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Ha!
0:32:22 > 0:32:25You can't let him talk to you like that, by jove.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27- Can't I?- No!
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Why not? What did he say? I wasn't really listening?
0:32:29 > 0:32:33- He said you were a stinker with an inkling!- Really?
0:32:33 > 0:32:37I'm afraid so and there's a carving of you in a museum somewhere
0:32:37 > 0:32:40with a tail between your legs and when people look at it
0:32:40 > 0:32:42they make faces like...
0:32:42 > 0:32:44..and...
0:32:44 > 0:32:45..and.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Good lord.
0:32:47 > 0:32:48What a world we live in.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55Is this the prototype for your new invention?
0:32:55 > 0:32:58At present, it is only a vorking model, Mr Addistein.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59Haggerstone.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02I must say I'm very excited.
0:33:02 > 0:33:03So, what is it?
0:33:03 > 0:33:05It is a new kind of carawan.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07This carawan is entirely self powered,
0:33:07 > 0:33:09thus dispensing wiz ze need for a car to tow it.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13- Clever.- Inside, it is wery spacious, sleeps up to four peoples
0:33:13 > 0:33:16and, at night, ze ceiling will slowly descend
0:33:16 > 0:33:19until zey are quite crushed to death.
0:33:19 > 0:33:24You had me right up until the part about crushing people to death.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27But zat is what makes it different to all ze other carawans.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Certainly different, yes.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32Fine, perhaps we don't need the ceiling of death, Bladderstone.
0:33:32 > 0:33:36- Haggerstone.- But see here, ze doors, zey are fully automatic.
0:33:36 > 0:33:37Clever.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40And zey have zese handy rotating blades,
0:33:40 > 0:33:43which emerge from the sides and will slice you into 1,000 pieces.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45Rotating blades?
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Rather neat, don't you think?
0:33:47 > 0:33:50It's a little dangerous.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53It is more zan dangerous! It is absolutely lethal!
0:33:53 > 0:33:57It vill be ze talk of the ze town, Haggerstone.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00Blatherbone. Er, Hagglestrop. No, er...
0:34:00 > 0:34:01Haggerstone!
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Zat's vat I said.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Can I ask, Professor, what...
0:34:05 > 0:34:09what sort of inventions did you make for General Firingsquad?
0:34:09 > 0:34:12All kinds of marvellous and useful devices
0:34:12 > 0:34:14for executing people he didn't like.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16- Executing?- Yes.
0:34:16 > 0:34:21We don't really need inventions for executing people here in Pagwell.
0:34:21 > 0:34:22Have you got anything else?
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Only zis.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Can you tell what it is?
0:34:28 > 0:34:31It looks like a combined bath and guillotine.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37You can also put piranhas inside.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39What are we going to do?
0:34:39 > 0:34:42It is not a problem. I have an ingenious idea.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48I vill simply steal one of Professor Branestawm's inventions.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Right.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- Coo-ee! - HE CHUCKLES
0:34:53 > 0:34:57Tis only I, Professor Algebrain of an unspecified European country.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Ah, ze great inwentor is hard at vork, I see?
0:35:00 > 0:35:03It is coming along wery vell, wery vell, indeed.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05You're such a clever girl.
0:35:05 > 0:35:06Now, might I...?
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Can I ask your advice on something?
0:35:09 > 0:35:13Of course, I'm always happy to help a fellow scientist.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15- Well, it's about the miniaturisation.- Ah.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17I'm not quite sure how small to make it.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Smaller. Smaller! Always smaller!
0:35:20 > 0:35:22NOTHING can be too small!
0:35:22 > 0:35:26Miniaturisation, zat is ze future.
0:35:26 > 0:35:27OK, if you're sure.
0:35:27 > 0:35:28I'm positive.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32Now, might I ask if I can borrow your special binoculars?
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Yes, of course, any time.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36I need to field test them for you, you see?
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Science must always be tested.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Observation, measurement,
0:35:41 > 0:35:43experiment, hypothesis
0:35:43 > 0:35:45and testing, testing, testing!
0:35:54 > 0:35:56MECHANICAL BIRD CROWS LIKE A COCKEREL
0:35:56 > 0:35:58IT COUGHS
0:35:59 > 0:36:02- MECHANICAL BIRD:- What on earth have you got in there?
0:36:10 > 0:36:13All set for your talk at the BBC, Professor?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15I think so. I think so.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17I just need to get my cards.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Are you sure everything will be safe here?
0:36:20 > 0:36:21You wouldn't want anyone to come
0:36:21 > 0:36:23and steal your invention while you're out.
0:36:23 > 0:36:27The inventory door is fastened with a special lock of my own invention.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30You don't use a key at all.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35You squeeze toothpaste into it and...
0:36:35 > 0:36:37and then blow through the keyhole,
0:36:37 > 0:36:39playing the tune of Nelly The Elephant.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41And, of course, a burglar wouldn't know about that.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43They never do know about things like that.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46Oh, what have you got in those buckets?
0:36:46 > 0:36:48Horse manure from the cavalry stables
0:36:48 > 0:36:50to put on Mrs Flittersnoop's roses.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52Erugh!
0:36:52 > 0:36:53HE PANTS
0:36:53 > 0:36:55So...
0:36:56 > 0:36:59HE WHISTLES NELLY THE ELEPHANT
0:36:59 > 0:37:03I just need to get my cards for the talk, Mrs Flittersnoop.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Just make sure you hurry back, Professor.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08It's the judging for the inventing prize this afternoon.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Yes, yes, I couldn't forget that.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13You can't wear that tiny hat, Professor.
0:37:13 > 0:37:14Oh.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18There.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20Oh, that man.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Now, where did I put my blooming recipe card?
0:37:33 > 0:37:36- MECHANICAL BIRD:- Caw! Caw! That's a lovely hat.
0:37:36 > 0:37:37Thank you. Yes, it is.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Cheeky boy.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47So, I must go to buy some toothpaste.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53All set?
0:37:53 > 0:37:55I'm in two minds about what to talk about.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58Three, actually. If not four.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Should it be about my life as an inventor here in Pagwell,
0:38:01 > 0:38:03the habits of the common dung beetle
0:38:03 > 0:38:05or "What is a solenoid?"
0:38:05 > 0:38:08- I could even talk about...- I thought we'd agreed to keep it simple?
0:38:08 > 0:38:10A day in the life of an inventor.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Yeah, simple, right, yes.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Good. Now, the talk will be live, Professor,
0:38:14 > 0:38:16but don't let that put you off.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20Speak clearly into the microphone, mouth nice and wide, no mumbling.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22Like this?
0:38:22 > 0:38:25Just talk normally and I'm sure I don't need to tell you
0:38:25 > 0:38:28not to swear or insult the Queen.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Right, yes, mustn't swear at the Queen.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Of course, yes.
0:38:34 > 0:38:35Oh.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37So we're going live in five,
0:38:37 > 0:38:40four, three, two,
0:38:40 > 0:38:41one.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
0:38:47 > 0:38:49and, well, everybody else.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51What is a solenoid?
0:38:51 > 0:38:52HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Well, we'll come to that in due course.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57I would like to talk to you today
0:38:57 > 0:39:00about the everyday life of an inventor here in Pagwell.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Oh!
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Sorry, er, ladies and etc.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Excuse me one moment.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14Dung beetle?
0:39:17 > 0:39:19As I was saying,
0:39:19 > 0:39:22what is a solenoid?
0:39:22 > 0:39:23No!
0:39:23 > 0:39:27That is to say, what is the everyday life of an inventor like
0:39:27 > 0:39:29here in Pagwell.
0:39:29 > 0:39:33Well, I start my day with two tablespoons of vegetable oil,
0:39:33 > 0:39:36one ounce of butter, two pounds of raw steak,
0:39:36 > 0:39:39a seven ounce swede, two tablespoons of suet
0:39:39 > 0:39:42and I don't... That's a recipe for beef stew with dumplings.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44Rather tasty, as a matter of fact.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46What is a solenoid?
0:39:46 > 0:39:49No, er... Or rather, yes, ladies and gentlemen,
0:39:49 > 0:39:53as an inventor here in Pagwell,
0:39:53 > 0:39:55I clearly remember the day I...
0:39:55 > 0:39:57charged with the Seventh Regiment
0:39:57 > 0:40:00of the Catapult Cavaliers at an enemy gun emplacement.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03Cannonballs to left of me, bullets to the right. No, I didn't.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05That's one of Dedshott's. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:40:05 > 0:40:09What did the travelling salesman say to the farmer's daughter?
0:40:09 > 0:40:10What is a solenoid?
0:40:10 > 0:40:13Yeah, yes, inventing, Pagwell.
0:40:13 > 0:40:18My housekeeper, Mrs Flittersnoop, is an invaluable part of my life.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20She eats mainly millipedes
0:40:20 > 0:40:23and lays her eggs in giant balls of dung.
0:40:23 > 0:40:24MRS FLITTERSNOOP TUTS
0:40:24 > 0:40:26Oh, sorry, er...
0:40:28 > 0:40:30Er, where was I?
0:40:30 > 0:40:34Balls of dung, which should be added to the stew
0:40:34 > 0:40:37at the last moment, where they will float on the surface.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43HE BEGINS TO WHISTLE NELLY THE ELEPHANT
0:40:43 > 0:40:44HE BLOWS TUNING PIPES
0:40:46 > 0:40:48HE WHISTLES NELLY THE ELEPHANT
0:40:48 > 0:40:52The town of Pagwell is a marvellous place to live and work,
0:40:52 > 0:40:54full of some very colourful characters.
0:40:54 > 0:40:58There is our local mayor, for instance, who is capable of...
0:40:58 > 0:41:02rolling a large ball of dung up to 1,000 times his own weight,
0:41:02 > 0:41:04the equivalent of an average person
0:41:04 > 0:41:07pulling six double-decker buses full of people.
0:41:07 > 0:41:08Oh.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Oh. Oh.
0:41:12 > 0:41:17I'm sorry, I seem to have lost track of what I was going to say.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19I would like to say one important thing, though.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21I am an inventor.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23It's all I know how to do.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25I'm not much use in anything else.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28I'm forgetful and absent-minded and...
0:41:28 > 0:41:30well, forgetful.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32But I have a young assistant called Connie
0:41:32 > 0:41:38who helps me with my experiments and, without, her I'd be completely lost.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41I've been distracted lately and I've neglected her
0:41:41 > 0:41:43and I very much wish I hadn't.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45She's a very special person.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Now, what is a solenoid?
0:41:48 > 0:41:50It's a cylindrical coil of conducting wire,
0:41:50 > 0:41:53which behaves as a bar magnet when a current is passed through it.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14Zis is more like it.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
0:42:22 > 0:42:24Uh!
0:42:27 > 0:42:28Argh!
0:42:30 > 0:42:32Great scotch!
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Zere is something wrong wiz zese glasses.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38For a moment there, I thought I saw an unnaturally large gas bill.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40GROWLING
0:42:42 > 0:42:43Oh...
0:42:43 > 0:42:46No! Help!
0:42:46 > 0:42:49Help! NEIN!
0:42:50 > 0:42:52Now just one more. Just one more.
0:42:52 > 0:42:53Get on with it, man.
0:42:53 > 0:42:57If I have to smile any longer, my teeth are going to fall out.
0:43:01 > 0:43:06Um, before we start the judging for the inventing competition,
0:43:06 > 0:43:08the pupils from the Pagwell School for Girls
0:43:08 > 0:43:12would like to entertain us with some singing and dancing.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Oh, strewth, not performing girls.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26- MECHANICAL BIRD:- Caw! Hello, Einstein. Caw!
0:43:28 > 0:43:29Is the Professor back yet?
0:43:29 > 0:43:33No, he's running late, as usual. I'm off to the town hall.
0:43:33 > 0:43:35I'll wait for him here.
0:43:35 > 0:43:36- See you in a minute.- Bye.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43CRIES OF DISTRESS
0:43:43 > 0:43:45Get off me!
0:43:45 > 0:43:48Leave me alone, you paper bill!
0:43:49 > 0:43:50That's odd.
0:43:50 > 0:43:52GROWLING
0:43:52 > 0:43:54Professor? Is that you?
0:43:54 > 0:43:56Ah, Connie, help me, please!
0:43:56 > 0:43:59I'm being attacked by a giant gas bill!
0:44:00 > 0:44:04Out of here, now, or you'll end up in the ashtray.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06GAS BILL WHIMPERS
0:44:07 > 0:44:09Oh, Connie, zank you.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11What are you doing here?
0:44:11 > 0:44:12Vat am I doing here?
0:44:14 > 0:44:17I...left somezing here yesterday.
0:44:17 > 0:44:18I left...
0:44:18 > 0:44:19my hat.
0:44:29 > 0:44:32I'm so sorry, Connie.
0:44:32 > 0:44:35OFF-KEY: # You are my sunshine
0:44:35 > 0:44:37# My only sunshine
0:44:37 > 0:44:40# You make me happy... #
0:44:40 > 0:44:43You know, I think we should grant the freedom of Pagwell
0:44:43 > 0:44:45to the winner of this inventing competition.
0:44:45 > 0:44:47And-and what would that entail?
0:44:47 > 0:44:51They would be allowed to use the park deckchairs for nothing.
0:44:51 > 0:44:52Oh, splendid.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54And have free dinners at the municipal cafes
0:44:54 > 0:44:57as often as their insides could stand it.
0:44:57 > 0:44:58Yeah, marvellous idea.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01And they would be able to speak to the mayor without raising their hat.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03Out of the question!
0:45:03 > 0:45:06That would lead to anarchy.
0:45:06 > 0:45:10# And I hung my head and I cried. #
0:45:10 > 0:45:12APPLAUSE
0:45:13 > 0:45:16Well done, Maisie. A very good effort.
0:45:16 > 0:45:19I think you were brilliant. Just perfect.
0:45:19 > 0:45:21It was terrible.
0:45:21 > 0:45:23It was almost unrecognisable
0:45:23 > 0:45:25and completely out of tune.
0:45:25 > 0:45:27It was absolutely atrocious.
0:45:27 > 0:45:29SHE SOBS
0:45:29 > 0:45:30Er, what's next?
0:45:33 > 0:45:34DOG BARKS
0:45:34 > 0:45:36- AUDIENCE:- Aww.
0:45:36 > 0:45:38Oh, give me strength.
0:45:39 > 0:45:43I'm going to vin ze competition, Connie. I vill beat Branestawm.
0:45:43 > 0:45:46That's cheating. Those glasses are his invention
0:45:46 > 0:45:48and, anyway, they don't even work.
0:45:48 > 0:45:50Ah! But zey do, Connie.
0:45:50 > 0:45:53- I have vorked out zeir secret. - HE CHUCKLES
0:45:56 > 0:45:57Gagh!
0:45:57 > 0:46:00I know exactly vat you're going to say next.
0:46:00 > 0:46:02"But how on Earth could you know zat?"
0:46:02 > 0:46:04How on earth could you know that?
0:46:04 > 0:46:09Ha! Because viz zese glasses, I can see five seconds into ze future.
0:46:09 > 0:46:11I should never have helped you.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14Professor Branestawm maybe forgetful and careless and cuckoo,
0:46:14 > 0:46:16but at least he's not a crook.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19It all went rather well.
0:46:19 > 0:46:21Branestawm!
0:46:24 > 0:46:26It all went rather well, don't you think?
0:46:26 > 0:46:27Look out, Professor.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30Well, it's all a bit technical and science-y for me, Prof.
0:46:30 > 0:46:32- He's behind you!- Eh, what?
0:46:34 > 0:46:36Ha-ha-ha!
0:46:36 > 0:46:37Connie!
0:46:37 > 0:46:39He's stolen your invention.
0:46:39 > 0:46:41- What?- The electric glasses.
0:46:41 > 0:46:43Ha-ha ha-ha!
0:46:43 > 0:46:44Battle stations!
0:46:44 > 0:46:47Prime the cannons! This means war!
0:46:47 > 0:46:49Calm down, Dedshott, they don't work.
0:46:49 > 0:46:50But they do.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52They can see into the future.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54They're brilliant.
0:46:54 > 0:46:56But...aren't they your invention for the competition?
0:46:56 > 0:46:58No, no, I've been working on something else.
0:46:58 > 0:47:01- What is it?- A universal skeleton key that will open any door,
0:47:01 > 0:47:04for when you've lost all your other keys, which I have.
0:47:04 > 0:47:06That sounds good,
0:47:06 > 0:47:09but not as good as a pair of glasses that can see into the future.
0:47:09 > 0:47:11You need to go after Algebrain and stop him
0:47:11 > 0:47:13from stealing your idea and winning the competition.
0:47:13 > 0:47:14She's right you know, Prof.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17You get after him. I'll sort out Connie and bring up the rear.
0:47:17 > 0:47:18But we're locked in.
0:47:18 > 0:47:20Use your new invention.
0:47:20 > 0:47:21Good idea.
0:47:22 > 0:47:26The Professor Branestawm universal skeleton key,
0:47:26 > 0:47:29capable of opening any door.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36- SKELETON:- Ah, no problem, no problem. Any chance of a cuppa, guv?
0:47:36 > 0:47:39DEDSHOTT LAUGHS
0:47:39 > 0:47:41Soon have it fixed for ya.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43There we go.
0:47:45 > 0:47:46Ooh.
0:47:46 > 0:47:47SKELETON LAUGHS
0:47:47 > 0:47:49Oh, go on, guv'nor. Lovely.
0:47:49 > 0:47:51Show me a door, I'll open it.
0:47:53 > 0:47:55On your bike, mate.
0:48:02 > 0:48:05I have your glasses, Branestawm,
0:48:05 > 0:48:10and there's nozing you can do about it! Ha-ha.
0:48:12 > 0:48:14Stop that man!
0:48:14 > 0:48:16Don't just stand there.
0:48:16 > 0:48:18POLICEMAN BLOWS WHISTLE
0:48:18 > 0:48:20ALGEBRAIN CACKLES
0:48:27 > 0:48:28Argh!
0:48:28 > 0:48:29Oh!
0:48:30 > 0:48:33Bet you didn't see zis coming!
0:48:35 > 0:48:36Argh!
0:48:36 > 0:48:38HE CACKLES
0:48:40 > 0:48:42- Argh!- Sorry!
0:48:42 > 0:48:43Whoa!
0:48:43 > 0:48:44Ohh!
0:48:44 > 0:48:45I'm sorry, too!
0:48:45 > 0:48:47ALGEBRAIN LAUGHS
0:48:50 > 0:48:53Out of my way, you Pagvell plebeians!
0:48:53 > 0:48:54Stop him!
0:48:58 > 0:49:02Ha-ha! You'll never catch me, Branestawm.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04I can see five seconds into ze future.
0:49:12 > 0:49:13Stop that man!
0:49:15 > 0:49:19Ha-ha! I saw you five seconds ago!
0:49:21 > 0:49:23Look out! Oh!
0:49:25 > 0:49:27Look out! Whoa!
0:49:32 > 0:49:34Thank you for your patience, ladies and gentlemen,
0:49:34 > 0:49:37but I'm pleased to say that now's the time for the judging
0:49:37 > 0:49:41of the competition to find the best inventor in Pagwell.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44But there aren't any bloomin' inventors here, Haggerstone.
0:49:44 > 0:49:47There's still a minute to go for the deadline.
0:49:47 > 0:49:49Trust Professor Branestawm to be late.
0:49:49 > 0:49:52And Professor Algebrain. He's terrifically punctual.
0:49:52 > 0:49:56Punctual? I'll punch him in the nose if he beats my Professor.
0:49:56 > 0:49:57Oh, really.
0:49:57 > 0:50:01MUSIC: William Tell Overture by Gioachino Rossini
0:50:03 > 0:50:08Ha-ha! I knew you would be zere with your little schweinhunds.
0:50:08 > 0:50:09ALGEBRAIN LAUGHS
0:50:11 > 0:50:13You're no match for me, Branestawm!
0:50:13 > 0:50:16I'm five seconds ahead of you!
0:50:19 > 0:50:20Ooh!
0:50:20 > 0:50:22Stop that man!
0:50:23 > 0:50:25Madam!
0:50:28 > 0:50:30Argh!
0:50:30 > 0:50:33You're five seconds behind me, Branestawm!
0:50:33 > 0:50:35And you alvays vill be!
0:50:40 > 0:50:42Oh! Oh!
0:50:45 > 0:50:47Get back, get back!
0:50:47 > 0:50:49ALGEBRAIN CACKLES
0:50:49 > 0:50:51NUNS SING
0:50:53 > 0:50:55Coming through!
0:50:56 > 0:50:58Look out, ladies!
0:50:58 > 0:51:00Ah!
0:51:00 > 0:51:01Whoa!
0:51:07 > 0:51:09Oh, no!
0:51:09 > 0:51:10Stop!
0:51:17 > 0:51:19THEY SCREAM
0:51:23 > 0:51:25DUCKS QUACK
0:51:29 > 0:51:33I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but if no inventors turn up on time,
0:51:33 > 0:51:37I'm afraid we won't be able to award any prize money this year.
0:51:37 > 0:51:39Well, what will we do with it all?
0:51:39 > 0:51:42Well, we shall have to donate it all to your stupid owl sanctuary, vicar.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44By the way, what were you thinking of calling it?
0:51:44 > 0:51:46Hooters.
0:51:46 > 0:51:47Right.
0:51:47 > 0:51:51Well, if they're not here in exactly ten seconds,
0:51:51 > 0:51:53it's your lucky day, vicar.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55Ten,
0:51:55 > 0:51:56nine,
0:51:56 > 0:51:57eight,
0:51:57 > 0:51:58seven,
0:51:58 > 0:51:59six,
0:51:59 > 0:52:01five,
0:52:01 > 0:52:02four,
0:52:02 > 0:52:04- three... - I am here!
0:52:04 > 0:52:06ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
0:52:06 > 0:52:08I have made it.
0:52:08 > 0:52:11Well, get on with it, then. What have you invented?
0:52:11 > 0:52:14Zese electric glasses.
0:52:14 > 0:52:17Ah. And what-what exactly do they do?
0:52:17 > 0:52:21They can see five seconds into ze future.
0:52:21 > 0:52:22Oh, splendid.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25Tell me, what do you see now?
0:52:25 > 0:52:28I see a bald-headed man on a penny farzing
0:52:28 > 0:52:30riding into ze town hall
0:52:30 > 0:52:35and crashing into another man wiz a ridiculous foreign accent.
0:52:35 > 0:52:36Oh, no, wait a minute...
0:52:39 > 0:52:40ARGH!
0:52:42 > 0:52:43Sorry I'm late.
0:52:43 > 0:52:45Oh, well, this is certainly more entertaining
0:52:45 > 0:52:47than that performing dog.
0:52:47 > 0:52:49You fool!
0:52:49 > 0:52:51You've broken my inwention!
0:52:51 > 0:52:53My invention, actually, you scoundrel.
0:52:53 > 0:52:56It doesn't matter whose invention it was.
0:52:56 > 0:52:58If it doesn't work, we can't award a prize so,
0:52:58 > 0:53:01as there are no inventions this year,
0:53:01 > 0:53:02I shall have to give the money to...
0:53:02 > 0:53:04I have an invention.
0:53:04 > 0:53:06What?
0:53:06 > 0:53:07I have an invention.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10You? Well, what have you invented?
0:53:10 > 0:53:11I call it a tablet.
0:53:12 > 0:53:15Oh, she is so clever. A tablet.
0:53:16 > 0:53:18Ah.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21Er, it's a tablet, you say? What does it do?
0:53:21 > 0:53:22What doesn't it do?
0:53:22 > 0:53:25I've been experimenting with miniaturising things.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28We can't carry around everything we need all the time, can we?
0:53:28 > 0:53:31Well, with my tablet, there is no need.
0:53:31 > 0:53:33You can read books on it. You can play games on it.
0:53:33 > 0:53:35You can find out what the weather's going to be like.
0:53:35 > 0:53:38- You can even listen to the radio on it.- That sounds amazing, Connie.
0:53:38 > 0:53:39It is.
0:53:39 > 0:53:41- I bet it can't peel spuds.- Shh.
0:53:41 > 0:53:43It's called a tablet, you say?
0:53:43 > 0:53:45Yes.
0:53:51 > 0:53:54Yes, it's rather small.
0:53:54 > 0:53:57How on earth are you supposed to read a book on that?
0:53:57 > 0:54:01I may have made it a little too miniature.
0:54:01 > 0:54:02I had some bad advice.
0:54:02 > 0:54:06Never mind. As it's the only invention,
0:54:06 > 0:54:08the prize must go to Connie.
0:54:08 > 0:54:09Oh.
0:54:09 > 0:54:13It's a yes from me. I think it's brilliant. Just perfect.
0:54:14 > 0:54:16Yes, I agree with her.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19Let's get on with it. This is taking far too long.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22Right, the Norbert McGuffin bequest...
0:54:22 > 0:54:27- Norman.- Norman McGuffin bequest of £1,854...
0:54:27 > 0:54:31- And a thrupenny bit.- Yes, and a thrupenny bit. Thank you, vicar.
0:54:31 > 0:54:35..goes to Connie Whistlestop for her, er...
0:54:35 > 0:54:37- Tablet.- Tablet!
0:54:38 > 0:54:40- Hooray!- Hurrah!
0:54:43 > 0:54:45Not so fast!
0:54:45 > 0:54:47Zis prize belongs to me,
0:54:47 > 0:54:50Professor Algebrain from an unspecified European country.
0:54:51 > 0:54:54It is mine! Mine, I tell you!
0:54:54 > 0:54:56And if anyone tries to stop me,
0:54:56 > 0:54:59I vill detonate zis nuclear-powered paperweight.
0:54:59 > 0:55:01Stop right there, Algebrain.
0:55:01 > 0:55:04I found this handy flame thrower in the Prof's inventory.
0:55:04 > 0:55:06Dah!
0:55:06 > 0:55:08- ELECTRICITY CRACKLES - Aaaah!
0:55:09 > 0:55:12I give up! I give up!
0:55:13 > 0:55:15I give in!
0:55:16 > 0:55:17Ah!
0:55:17 > 0:55:20So I would like to present this, er...
0:55:20 > 0:55:22gigantic living cheque
0:55:22 > 0:55:24to you, Connie.
0:55:24 > 0:55:25- AUDIENCE:- Ahh.
0:55:27 > 0:55:29And I'd like to give it to you, Professor Branestawm,
0:55:29 > 0:55:30so you can keep your house.
0:55:30 > 0:55:33And I'd like to give it to the council to pay my bills.
0:55:33 > 0:55:36I don't want the damn thing. It's giving me the willies.
0:55:36 > 0:55:39You can have it, vicar, for your stupid owl sanctuary.
0:55:39 > 0:55:40Oh, splendid.
0:55:46 > 0:55:49Did you mean what you said? You know, on the radio?
0:55:49 > 0:55:52Yes, yes, of course. I'm sure I did. Yes, indeed.
0:55:52 > 0:55:53What did I say?
0:55:53 > 0:55:54About me.
0:55:54 > 0:55:57You? Yes, yes, of course.
0:55:57 > 0:55:58Who are you again?
0:55:58 > 0:56:01Only joking. I know who you are, Connie,
0:56:01 > 0:56:05and I think this tablet invention is a marvel.
0:56:05 > 0:56:08It can do all those things and even tell us the weather.
0:56:08 > 0:56:10I learnt everything from you.
0:56:10 > 0:56:13RADIO ANNOUNCER: "Ah, sunny spells with showers later."
0:56:13 > 0:56:15# Happy days are here again. #
0:56:17 > 0:56:21# We're in the money, we're in the money. #
0:56:21 > 0:56:26# Nelly the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus. #
0:56:26 > 0:56:28Amazing!
0:56:28 > 0:56:31Excellent. Well, everything has worked out for the best.
0:56:31 > 0:56:33And the money's gone to a good home.
0:56:33 > 0:56:35APPLAUSE
0:56:38 > 0:56:41I'm not dead yet!
0:56:45 > 0:56:47Whoops!
0:56:47 > 0:56:48Sorry.