0:00:06 > 0:00:10This film contains some strong language
0:00:20 > 0:00:24- Can we get a recap?- The Kowolskis have owned this shop for 30 years.
0:00:24 > 0:00:29They're attempting to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32- Wear this.- A hairnet? - Health Department.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36If you're working around the cookie you must have it on.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I just did the hair. It's perfect. All right, give it to me.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46God, why do you hate me?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48We're rolling. And speak...
0:00:48 > 0:00:53For three decades the Kowolski family bakery has been a mainstay
0:00:53 > 0:00:54in downtown Buffalo.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Known for their sinfully sweet cream-filled pierogis,
0:00:58 > 0:01:02and the occasional sugar-induced coma that follows.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05But today, in honour of their 30th anniversary,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09they've invited us to ride along as they go for the record
0:01:09 > 0:01:11on Buffalo's biggest cookie.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Vol. Vol...
0:01:15 > 0:01:17D'you need a tissue?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Can we get Vol a tissue? Or a spoon?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Good thing I'm wearing this.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I wouldn't want stray hairs to fall into the booger.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- Are we going again?- No. We'll cut to b-roll.- Moving on!
0:01:29 > 0:01:34So tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Well, man from Health Department
0:01:37 > 0:01:40say he find rat pellet in our pastry,
0:01:40 > 0:01:45but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48But he shuts store down.
0:01:48 > 0:01:54So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.
0:01:54 > 0:02:00I admire your candour. Let's try that again, shall we?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04So tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
0:02:04 > 0:02:09- So the children of the neighbourhood will be happy?- That's right.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I work in back. I see no smiles.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23The previous Buffalo record was 8'7", baked by Gladys Pelsnick.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28If this cookie beats Gladys's it'll prove, once and for all,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30that the Kowolskis have much more free time.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35And the cookie is 10ft 4 inches! We have a new record!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Cue to cheesy inspirational music!
0:02:38 > 0:02:42MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis
0:02:54 > 0:02:58What are we really looking at here? Is it just a big cookie,
0:02:58 > 0:03:03or does it represent the pride of Buffalo?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Its dedicated and hard-working citizens the key ingredient,
0:03:07 > 0:03:11with a few nuts thrown in. And, finally, the love of our families,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14which provides the warm, chewy centre,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18making our beloved Buffalo the sweetest place to live.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News. - And cut!- >
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- Whaddya think? - I think it's really good.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33It sucks. It's a story about a cookie.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- The Pillsbury Dough Boy will be riveted.- Ohh. It was funny.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42- Nothing wrong with making people laugh.- I'll never be an anchorman.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47The job's there but I can't reach it. When they make me do stuff like this,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I must act like a goof for it to work. I have no credibility.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- Oh.- Not good, not good. - Now you're sounding silly.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Forget it. It's not important. Right?
0:03:57 > 0:04:02- Let's watch it one more time.- No. - Just once more.- No!- Please?- No!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- You promised you'd help with this photo album.- Grrr!
0:04:05 > 0:04:10- Now you get your goofy butt over here.- Mm...- Nah-uh.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14SHE LAUGHS
0:04:14 > 0:04:16OK, all right.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20You just go through this stack and pick your favourites.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Oh, come on, this is fun, right? Isn't this fun? This is nice.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33- Evan's gonna get that anchor job. - Ohh, Bruce!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- He's the favourite!- Just forget it.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39This is just our life. Some kid can do it for us!
0:04:39 > 0:04:44- Whoa! I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.- How'd you get that?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47That's for our private stash.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- You look perky. Must've been cold. - Give it here!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53This can be wallpaper on my computer.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- Give it to me! C'mon!- No.- Fine. Do with it what you will.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02- I don't care.- I will do with it what I will.- Jesus.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I might even send this in to Playboy.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- I hear their layouts can be quite tasteful.- Give it to me!- Jesus!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- I don't wanna hurt you! - Oh, hey!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16ALARM BEEPS
0:05:18 > 0:05:22- Sweetie, time to get up. - Mm. Mm-mm.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Good dream. Uh-uh.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38The Buffalo Sabres lost again last night to the Toronto Maple Leafs.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43Course they did. They're my team. That's the way the cookie crumbles.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47There might be something to this cookie line.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50All the greatest anchors had their own signature sign-off.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Like, "Wa-lt-er Kron-kite.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56"And that's the way it was.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"And that's the way the cookie crumbles."
0:05:59 > 0:06:03"And that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh!"
0:06:03 > 0:06:04SPLASHING
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Oh, no! Grace, the dog!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- I'm in the shower!- Grrr!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Bad dog!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Outside good, inside bad! Outside good!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23HE GASPS
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Oh, you're done now. Great(!)
0:06:26 > 0:06:29B-e-a-utiful!
0:06:30 > 0:06:34C'mon, let's go back inside and have a shit.
0:06:38 > 0:06:44- What is the dealio? - We are having a blood drive.- Creepy.
0:06:44 > 0:06:50- Needles, yuk!- They need my blood. I have a rare blood type. I'm AB positive.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle. It's just so...
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- Helpful and life-saving? - No, it's your blood.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Blood's supposed to stay inside the body.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Besides, they stockpile it in a warehouse.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09- It's frozen and we're told there's a shortage.- Where'd you hear that?
0:07:09 > 0:07:14A friend of a girl whose sister's going out with someone high up
0:07:14 > 0:07:17in the government. But, for your own protection, I cannot discuss it.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Now get out before they see us together.- Oh, no.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28- Here, hold on. You need these more than I do.- What is "these"?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Prayer beads. The kids made them for me. They'll keep you safe.
0:07:32 > 0:07:38I hope they're powerful. I need a miracle to get to work on time.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40HORNS BLARE
0:07:47 > 0:07:51This isn't happening. Not now, not during sweeps week.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Not during sweeps week!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57PAGER BEEPS Oh, God!
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Yep, yep, meeting's started without me.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03This is my luck. THIS is my luck!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Oh, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Argh! Ohh! Jesus!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26"Are you blind?" No, but I'm late.
0:08:27 > 0:08:33Is your child in dire jeopardy? Find out tonight after the game.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- Promos are approved.- Jack? Shouldn't we be focusing on Pete's retirement?
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- This is his last week.- Any word on the open anchor position?
0:08:41 > 0:08:46- Evan, when I know something, you'll know something.- Sorry I'm late.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51Traffic was... Did you already play the spots?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54It's a nice story, but we're going with Evan's piece.
0:08:54 > 0:09:01- The sex scandal in the Mayor's office for sweeps.- Oh, yeah. Sweeps.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- That's the way the cookie crumbles. - THEY GIGGLE
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I'm just messing with you.
0:09:08 > 0:09:14You just gotta remember that the news room is like a big cookie.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16THEY ALL LAUGH
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- D'you like jazz, Evan?- Yeah. - Let me play something for you.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22HE PLAYS A JAZZ TUNE, THEY LAUGH
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- I can hold that note all day. - Stop it, guys.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Bruce, your story's in reserve.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Now back to the board so we'll have something to put on air TODAY.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40Great choice, Jack. This is the Cadillac of baloneys.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- Can I talk to you? - Sure. What d'you need?- Sweeps.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Bruce...- Jack, Jack. Hear me out. I'm getting desperate.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51I'm pushing 40. What have I gotta show for it? I've hit a ceiling.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56There's an anti-Bruce barrier I can't get past.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00And Evan's loving it. He gets the stories, gets all the sweeps.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05- Maybe I should be more like him.- He's an asshole.- I can be an asshole.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07No, Bruce, you can't.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- Are you gonna pick that up? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18- It's just this anchor thing opening up has got me nuts.- Hi, Susan.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Hi, Susan.- Hi, Jack.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26Look, Bruce, you're a good reporter. You make people laugh.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31I tell you what. Today's the 156th anniversary of the Maid Of The Mist.
0:10:31 > 0:10:37- Be at Niagara Falls in an hour. - That's always live.- Mm-hm.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42- Evan always does the live feeds. - Now you both get the live feeds.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- I'm going live during sweeps? - Mm-hm.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- Watch your step. I've seen your out-takes.- You'll not regret this.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53And I won't forget you when I go national. Can you...?
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- Thanks, pal. - 'Can I have your wish now?'
0:10:57 > 0:11:01I'll put it in the wish jar. OK, put your wish in there.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Me too.- Put your wish in there.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08It looks like a big wish. Oh, no, Martin, don't eat that!
0:11:08 > 0:11:13Don't put that in your mouth. That's paste, honey. Ooh!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15That must've tasted awful.
0:11:15 > 0:11:22- Mommy!- Oh, Zoe. Did you have a good time with Aunt Gracie today? Yeah?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24See how nice this is? Baby on the hip.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29It's amazing. You've become Mom. The transformation is complete.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- PHONE RINGS - I'll get it.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- 'Small Wonders Daycare.'- Grace?
0:11:33 > 0:11:38- No, Debbie, the sister whose life you're not wasting.- Oh, OK, OK.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- 'Bye, Debbie!'- Hi. Sorry, Debbie forgot to take her meds today.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Where are ya?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47A little place called the winner's circle.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- I'm at the falls doing a live report. - Live? That's great!
0:11:50 > 0:11:54It's happening. I got sweeps and I'm live.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57They're seeing if I can think on my feet,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- like in a live news anchor situation. - Oh, my gosh.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04It's what we've always talked about. Jack practically told me.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09- Practically?- He didn't spell it out. But legally he can't.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14This happened to Susan Ortega just before she was bumped up to the desk.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- It's good. It's gooo-od.- I don't want you getting too ahead of yourself.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23- Bruce?- Gotta go! They're calling me in.- Good luck. I love you.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Love, love, love, love.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Let's do it.
0:12:27 > 0:12:33- They want you close to the falls. - I'm gonna get soaked.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34That's the point. Put this on.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- Part of the condition of us getting the exclusive.- You know what?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Nothing can bother me today. Nothin'!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46- OK, remember, it's their 156 year anniversary, 149 capacity.- Right.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48They cater to tourists, honeymooners...
0:12:48 > 0:12:52And people who are insanely thirsty. I get it.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54And you're gonna interviewing Irene Dansfield.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Irene, pleasure to meet you. Truly. You look beautiful.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Irene's mother rode on the maiden voyage.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- Rub that in my face.- 90 seconds! - 90 seconds? Holy hell.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06OK. 90 seconds. Hoo.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Because of the fast response,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11the toxic chemicals were cleaned up without incident. Susan?
0:13:11 > 0:13:17Bruce Nolan's live at Niagara Falls. But, before we go to Bruce, we have an announcement to make.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22As everyone knows, after 33 years Pete Fineman's retiring.
0:13:22 > 0:13:28His shoes are virtually impossible to fill, but the show must go on.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33And we could think of no one better than our very own Evan Baxter.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Argh.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Oh, boy!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Congratulations. - Thanks. I'm thrilled and honoured.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44As you said, no-one can replace Pete. But I'll do my best.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49I'm so proud to be a part of our local community of Buffalo,
0:13:49 > 0:13:53and, in a lot of ways, a great city's like a great recipe.
0:13:53 > 0:13:59You take hard-working citizens, some care givers, maybe a few nuts...
0:14:00 > 0:14:06..all sprinkled with the love and support of our good families.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11- Ultimately, that makes one sweet place to live.- That was amazing.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I meant it. I wish I'd written something.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18- We go live to wacky Bruce Nolan out at Niagara Falls.- Hey, wacky Bruce.
0:14:21 > 0:14:28- Bruce? Talk, Bruce.- Talk. What's going on?- We got a Walt Disney. - He's frozen solid.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33- They may not have audio. Check the feed.- We may be having technical difficulty.- Feed's good.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38C'mon, c'mon. Talk, Bruce, damn it. Get ready to pull the plug.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Oh, c'mon, baby. Say something.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Bruce, talk.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- Hi, Susan.- Oh, thank you, God.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Bruce Nolan here aboard the Maid Of The Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59pardon me, Bastar... Baxter, rather.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03It's good to see what someone with real talent can do
0:15:03 > 0:15:06when great opportunities are given to them instead of me.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Why'd you throw
0:15:10 > 0:15:14the blue Heart of the Ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic?
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Did you feel bad letting Leo DiCaprio drown while you were on the big door?
0:15:19 > 0:15:24Could you have taken turns, or were you too afraid to freeze?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Ohh!
0:15:25 > 0:15:30That's how life is. Some people are drenched,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32freezing to death on a stupid boat with a stupid hat,
0:15:32 > 0:15:38while others are in a comfy studio getting all the glory. No big deal.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Oh, look, it's the owner of the boat. Let's talk with him.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47- Come here, Bill.- Sorry.- Let's talk. - What are you doing?!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50You've been running this boat for 23 years.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- Why didn't I get the job? - I don't want any problems.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Is it my hair? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls,
0:15:58 > 0:16:04is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?! Eroding!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Eroding!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Eroding!
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- Cut to feed.- Go to black.- I'm on it.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Oh, boy.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Oh, my God!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Ohh! That is perfect.
0:16:27 > 0:16:33That is the motivation that I needed! Right there! Thank you!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Thank you, WKBW!
0:16:36 > 0:16:42Wimpy Kitty Baby Whiners! That's what that stands for!
0:16:42 > 0:16:46I'll see you on Channel Five,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48where they do the real news!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Do I look blind to you? - Hey!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Let's go, man. Come on, let's go.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58What are you doing over there?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Leave the poor guy alone! ..Are you OK, man?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Yeah, you better keep walking. - What?! What did you say?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Run, man! RUN!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Oh, God!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21OK, OK! I didn't mean it! I was just kidding!
0:17:21 > 0:17:26- Hey, you forgot your things. - That's right.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Say something now! Say something!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36B-e-a...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39utiful!
0:17:42 > 0:17:46HE GROANS That's what I get...
0:17:46 > 0:17:50That's what I get for trying to help someone.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Oh, don't look at me, Walter.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Oh, no!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Well, that's my payment, I guess.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04That's... That is my reward.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Just?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Just get a clue!
0:18:11 > 0:18:16- Thank God you're all right. - God, yeah. Let's thank God, shall we?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20For his blessings are raining down upon me. Wait! That's not rain!
0:18:20 > 0:18:25Please don't do that. Everything happens for a reason.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28That's a cliche. That's not helpful.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush. I have neither!
0:18:31 > 0:18:36- God has taken them away. - I see. God's picking on you. Is that what you're saying?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38No! He's ignoring me completely.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41He's too busy giving Evan everything he wants.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43SPLASHING
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Great. But you missed. I'm over here!
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- Don't get mad at him. It's not his fault.- It's God's fault.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- I gave him the wrong co-ordinates. - Stop being such a martyr!
0:18:54 > 0:18:59But I'm a victim! God's a mean kid sitting on an anthill
0:18:59 > 0:19:01with a magnifying glass. I'm the ant.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06He could fix my life in five minutes but he'd rather watch me squirm!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I know you're mad. It's understandable.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11What Evan did is slimy and wrong.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16- But this day could've been so much worse. I'm just glad you're OK.- OK?
0:19:16 > 0:19:21News flash! I'm not OK. I'm not OK with a mediocre job!
0:19:21 > 0:19:25I'm not OK with a mediocre apartment! I am not OK with a mediocre life!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Is that what you think we have? A mediocre life?
0:19:36 > 0:19:42- Don't make this about you.- About me? How could I make this about me?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- It's about you. It's always about you.- Perfect.
0:19:45 > 0:19:52I'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of guilt, please!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54DOOR SLAMS
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Agh.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59OK, God, You want me to talk to you?
0:20:00 > 0:20:05Then talk back. Tell me what's going on. What should I do?
0:20:05 > 0:20:10Give me a signal. Oh, I need your guidance, Lord.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Please, send me a sign!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Oh, what's this joker doing now?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27OK, all right, I'll try it your way.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29All right, Lord,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I need a miracle.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37I'm desperate. I need your help, Lord.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Please, reach into my life...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Argh! What the...
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Where are ya?
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Got ya! Ha-ha!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Argh!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53HE GROANS
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Hey!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20HE LAUGHS
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Aaaaarrrgh!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Fine!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32The gloves are off, pal! Come on.
0:21:32 > 0:21:38Let me see a little wrath! Smite me, oh mighty smiter!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41You're the one who should be fired!
0:21:41 > 0:21:48The only one around here not doing his job is you! Answer me!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51PAGER BEEPS
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Sorry, don't know ya.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Wouldn't call you if I did.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Ohh!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15PAGER BEEPS
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Oh, God.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Hello, 5-5-5 0-1-2-3.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53SPLASHING
0:22:53 > 0:22:57No, no! Sam! This has gotta stop!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01All right, get it straight here.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05That's the house, this is the bathroom.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08House, bathroom. Bathroom, house. House, bathroom. Bathroom, house.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13What's the point? PAGER BEEPS
0:23:37 > 0:23:43- 5-5-5 0-1-2-3.- 'Denied that promotion? Is life unfair?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47'Is there someone less talented than you reaping all the benefits?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50'Is your name Bruce? Then do we have the job for you.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54'We're located at 77-256 23rd Street.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57'So come on down, or we'll just keep beeping you.'
0:24:13 > 0:24:15"Omni Presents."
0:24:16 > 0:24:21Oh, yeah. The glass is half full. Whoa! Jeez!
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Ohh! Come on! Look!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26What is that?!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28What is that?!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Gah! Jeez! Thank you! Thank you again!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41What the...?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50You're looking for room seven.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- Yeah, I figured. - D'you want me to even those up?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02How do I get to room seven?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Seventh floor. Stairs are right over there.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- I'd rather take the elevator.- Out of order.- I love the stairs, though.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14- My second choice.- D'you mind giving me a hand with this floor?- What?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18That's good. Are you serious?
0:25:18 > 0:25:24Oh, uh, I'm kind of busy. Um, rain check.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I'll hold you to it.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30I'm free on the seventh at seven!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Seventh at seven it is.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40This looks promising.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42CLUNK!
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Hello?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Another hugantic,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51ginormic waste of my life.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Hello?!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Yo, I'm looking for whoever runs this joint!- Be right with ya!
0:25:58 > 0:26:02I'm trying to fix a light. Tell me if it's working.
0:26:02 > 0:26:08- Yeah, seems to be. Kinda bright, though.- Yeah, it is for most people.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Spend their lives in the dark trying to hide from me.
0:26:13 > 0:26:19- Oh, the elevator's broken, huh? - Yeah, but I'll get around to it.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24- You installed a clapper? - No, but catchy jingle, isn't it?
0:26:24 > 0:26:29Clap on, clap off, clap on, clap off, the Clapper!
0:26:29 > 0:26:37- Can't get it out of my head.- Good luck with that. I'm gonna go now.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40OK. But the boss'll be right out.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Eh, you must be Bruce. I've been expecting you.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55This is hilarious.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57So, you're the boss, the electrician and the janitor.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00It must be a killer Christmas party. Don't get drunk.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04One of you might need a ride home. Ah-ha!
0:27:04 > 0:27:07You always were funny, Bruce. Just like your father.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves, either.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14People underestimate the benefit of manual labour.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16There's freedom in it.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Some of the happiest people go home smelling to high heaven.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25How d'you know my father, and how did you get my pager number?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Oh, I know quite a lot about you, Bruce.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Just about everything there is to know.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Everything you've ever said or done or thought about doing
0:27:37 > 0:27:40right there in that filing cabinet.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- Wow, a whole drawer just for me. - Yeah.
0:27:44 > 0:27:49- Mind if I take a look? - It's your life.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51This oughta be good.
0:27:56 > 0:28:02CLUNK! Aaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05HE COUGHS
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Now, this last entry was a little disturbing.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Aaaaarrrrrgh!
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Aaaaaarrrrrgh!
0:28:17 > 0:28:19HE GROANS
0:28:19 > 0:28:23"The gloves are off, God. God has taken my bird and my bush.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28"God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30"Smite me, oh mighty smiter."
0:28:30 > 0:28:35Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Are you spying on me?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Who are you?
0:28:42 > 0:28:46- I am the One.- Huh?- Creator of the heavens and the Earth.
0:28:46 > 0:28:51- Alpha and Omega. - Oh, I see where this is going.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Bruce,
0:28:53 > 0:28:57- I am God.- Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer?
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Our survey says God! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing!
0:29:01 > 0:29:05It was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon,
0:29:05 > 0:29:10and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, by the way, you suck!
0:29:11 > 0:29:16You shouldn't have used the cheesy filing cabinet illusion.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20Anybody with a brain stem can tell that drawer's being fed through
0:29:20 > 0:29:22the wall from the other side.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25All you have to do is find the crease. There is a seam here.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Or a hollow spot.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35Where? Through the dry wall and concrete?
0:29:38 > 0:29:42OK, that's a good one. That's a good one.
0:29:42 > 0:29:47- How many fingers am I holding up? - Thou shalt not tempt the Lord.
0:29:47 > 0:29:53- If you can't do it, cool.- Three. Two. Four. Nine. Six. Eight. One.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56OK.
0:29:56 > 0:30:02- How many now?- Seven.- Ah-ha!
0:30:02 > 0:30:03Agh!
0:30:05 > 0:30:11- How?- You've been complaining about me. I'm tired of it.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15Keep away. When backed into a corner I'm like a wild animal. I'll hurt you, out of instinct.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19You haven't won a fight since grade five, and that was against a girl.
0:30:19 > 0:30:26- But she was huge. She'd been held back.- And the sun was in your eyes.
0:30:26 > 0:30:32- Ah, the ego. I brought you here to offer you a job.- What job?- My job.
0:30:32 > 0:30:37You think you can do it better, so here's your chance.
0:30:37 > 0:30:42- When you leave this building you'll be endowed with all of my powers. - Sure. Whatever you say, pal.
0:30:44 > 0:30:49OK. That did not happen. No one needs to hear about it.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52I'm deleting the programme.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56No, no. I'm having a breakdown, that's what it is.
0:30:56 > 0:31:00Normal, everyday psychotic episode. Caused by a tumour or brain lesion.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04Come on, start! ENGINE STARTS
0:31:04 > 0:31:06That was lucky.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Come on, now. Calm down.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16You did not meet God. You do not have his powers.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19If that was God, I'm Clint Eastwood. GUNSHOT
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Holy hell!
0:31:22 > 0:31:24TYRES SCREECH
0:31:26 > 0:31:30Be careful what you wish for... punk.
0:31:30 > 0:31:36No! Uh-uh! Nope! Nope! I am a reasonable, sane human being
0:31:36 > 0:31:41with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the worl...
0:31:41 > 0:31:44I'm not Clint Eastwood, I'm Bruce Nolan.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Bruce Nolan. I'm Bruce... No!
0:32:05 > 0:32:08- Coffee?- Yeah. Uh, coffee, yeah.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11- We have a special on soup. - No, that's fine. Thank you.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15- It's tomato. Uh, I made it myself. - OK.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17OK.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32HE GASPS
0:32:37 > 0:32:38Argh...
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Excuse me, I need a spoo...
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Agh.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00It's OK, I found one.
0:33:06 > 0:33:11- Here's your soup. - Oh, soup, right. Uh, yeah, right.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:33:38 > 0:33:40WIND HOWLS
0:34:00 > 0:34:02- Having fun?- Aargh!
0:34:03 > 0:34:09- Thy... Thou... - Come, take a closer walk with me.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12Let me explain the rules.
0:34:12 > 0:34:17- Rules?- You left in such a rush I didn't get a chance to explain.
0:34:17 > 0:34:22Two extra fingers freaked me out a bit.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24I figured I'd get your attention.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27I did the same to Gandhi. He didn't eat for three weeks.
0:34:27 > 0:34:32Here's the deal. You have all my powers. Use them any way you choose.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36There are two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38You don't want that kind of attention.
0:34:38 > 0:34:44- And you can't mess with free will. - Uh-huh. Can I ask why?
0:34:44 > 0:34:48Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it.
0:34:55 > 0:34:59- This is amazing... - Speaking of amazing, excuse me.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Oh.
0:35:03 > 0:35:09- Holy sh... Cow.- Since you're through with these, I think I'll keep 'em.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12Might come in handy some day.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14See ya around, kid.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18- Where are you going?! - I'm taking a vacation.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22God doesn't take vacations. Does he? Do...ye?
0:35:22 > 0:35:26Ever hear of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered.
0:35:26 > 0:35:31You can clear everything up in five minutes if you want to. Right?
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Ciao.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48Eeeee!
0:35:58 > 0:36:00MUSIC: "The Power"
0:36:05 > 0:36:08- HE MIMES - # I've got the power... #
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Boom! SCREAMING
0:36:12 > 0:36:18- # ..I've got the power... # - Ooh!- And he saw that it was good!
0:36:18 > 0:36:21# ..I've got the power... #
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Whoa.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35SIZZLING
0:36:40 > 0:36:45- # ..I've got the power... # - B-e-a-utiful!
0:36:45 > 0:36:48HE EXHALES
0:36:50 > 0:36:53- Hey, check it out. - Hey, check it out!
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Look, it's the hero. Whassup, homie?
0:36:56 > 0:37:01Yo, brethren, what up with thee? Blessings on your alley.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04- Lookin' for another can of whup ass? - You didn't get enough?
0:37:04 > 0:37:10- He wants some more! - Surely, I say unto you dudes, I do not wish to fight.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14Once you apologise and make a full reckoning of your transgressions,
0:37:14 > 0:37:18I shall absolve you and continue along the path of righteousness.
0:37:18 > 0:37:23- THEY LAUGH - What are you talking about?! - You sound like Ben Hur.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27You talk kinda funny. I don't know if you've lost it.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30- You want us to apologise?- Mm-hm.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34We'll apologise the day a monkey comes out my butt,
0:37:34 > 0:37:36- then you get your sorry. - THEY ALL LAUGH
0:37:36 > 0:37:41What a coincidence! Because that's today.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43HE GASPS
0:37:43 > 0:37:44LOW GROWL
0:37:52 > 0:37:55MONKEY SCREECHES
0:37:58 > 0:38:04Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?
0:38:04 > 0:38:10- Oh.- Es el Diablo.- This is some voodoo shit, man! Vamanos!- Let's go!
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Are you guys leaving?
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Hey! Don't forget your parting gifts!
0:38:27 > 0:38:30BUZZING
0:38:30 > 0:38:32MONKEY CHATTERS
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Time for you to go home, little buddy.
0:38:49 > 0:38:50No! No!
0:38:50 > 0:38:53No! Argh!
0:38:58 > 0:39:00I am Bruce Almighty!
0:39:00 > 0:39:04My will be done!
0:39:04 > 0:39:05THUNDER
0:39:13 > 0:39:16# What if God was one of us?
0:39:16 > 0:39:20# Just a slob like one of us?
0:39:20 > 0:39:29# Just a stranger on a bus trying to make his way...ho-ome? #
0:39:29 > 0:39:31- My God. - You can call me Bruce.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35What happened to you? You seem so...
0:39:37 > 0:39:40- ..happy. - Why shouldn't I be?
0:39:40 > 0:39:45- On a night like this.- Wow! Those are amazing. What are these?
0:39:45 > 0:39:48A new breed. A cross-pollination between tulips and daisies.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51I call them...tudaisies.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54OK.
0:40:00 > 0:40:04Honey, these flowers are really beautiful. But last night...
0:40:04 > 0:40:07Last night I was only human.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Barry, help me out here.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16MUSIC: "Never, Never Gonna Give You Up" by Barry White
0:40:20 > 0:40:22# Oh, baby
0:40:24 > 0:40:26# Girl, I'll do
0:40:30 > 0:40:34# Forever and ever Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:40:34 > 0:40:37# I'll see you through
0:40:42 > 0:40:45# Make love to you right now
0:40:45 > 0:40:47# That's all I wanna do
0:40:47 > 0:40:49# Cos I found... #
0:40:49 > 0:40:52- LOUD RUMBLE - # ..What the world is searching for
0:40:52 > 0:40:59# For someone just like you Make me feel the way you do
0:40:59 > 0:41:04# Never, never gonna give you up I'm never, ever gonna stop
0:41:04 > 0:41:09# Not the way I feel about you I just can't live without you... #
0:41:09 > 0:41:15- Hi. Wow! I've never seen the moon that big.- Yeah.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19- Oh.- We really shouldn't waste it. - Oh.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Bedroom?
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Five minutes.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37MUSIC: "The Rockafeller Skank" by Fatboy Slim
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Let there be light.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48I'll be out in a minute!
0:41:48 > 0:41:50Don't rush yourself.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53Sometimes anticipation can heighten the...pleasur-r-re.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55Oh, God! Oh, oh!
0:41:58 > 0:42:02- It's a funny thing about...pleasure. - Wow.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04It can be quite...
0:42:05 > 0:42:08- PLEASURABLE!- Ohh!
0:42:08 > 0:42:10Oh, my God.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15- Pleasuring, pleasurable, pleasuring. - Oh, God! Oh!
0:42:15 > 0:42:19Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, good God!
0:42:28 > 0:42:33Japanese relief workers are staging a desperate effort to rescue
0:42:33 > 0:42:38hundreds of people stranded by a tidal wave that hit Kitamoto City.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41Scientists say the tsunami may have been caused
0:42:41 > 0:42:43by what they're describing as unusual lunar activity.
0:42:43 > 0:42:47More on this as it develops.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49JUMBLED DREAM-LIKE VOICES
0:42:49 > 0:42:54Please bless my mommy, my daddy, and especially my little sister.
0:42:56 > 0:43:01Please help me, Lord. Please get me through this one.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07All I'm asking you is that you help me.
0:43:07 > 0:43:11Thank you for everything else in my life. Amen.
0:43:13 > 0:43:14Sam!
0:43:20 > 0:43:22SPLASHING
0:43:31 > 0:43:34TOILET FLUSHES
0:43:34 > 0:43:35Good boy.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37Ah!
0:43:37 > 0:43:41Forget something?
0:43:41 > 0:43:46Mm. Good boy! There are girls in the house, huh?
0:43:48 > 0:43:50SHE SQUEALS Morning.
0:43:50 > 0:43:54Good morning. I made you grilled cheese.
0:43:54 > 0:43:55Ooh! My favi.
0:43:55 > 0:43:59- Honey, last night was just... - Heavenly. I know, I know.
0:43:59 > 0:44:03I woke up this morning and I felt like my boobs were bigger.
0:44:03 > 0:44:07- I mean, do they look bigger to you? - Uh, what? Ner, hm?
0:44:07 > 0:44:13- No, er, bigger?- Oh, come on! Look at them.
0:44:13 > 0:44:18Please. They are definitely bigger. I mean, look. They feel huge to me.
0:44:18 > 0:44:24Listen, I have to go. But this has been the breast bek. Breast...
0:44:24 > 0:44:30- Thank you.- Where are you going? - To get my job back.- Ohh.
0:44:30 > 0:44:35# Oh, yeah, yeah, I am great
0:44:35 > 0:44:38# Yeah, yeah, I am... #
0:44:38 > 0:44:41Good grief, is that what I'm driving? Mm.
0:44:44 > 0:44:48ENGINE ROARS
0:44:50 > 0:44:56- Whoa! Nice car, man. - Yeah, it gets me from to A to B.
0:44:56 > 0:44:59TYRES SCREECH
0:45:09 > 0:45:12Oh, darn. All this horsepower and no room to gallop!
0:45:15 > 0:45:18Hi-ho, Silver! Away!
0:45:24 > 0:45:29- Go!- Get him!- I wouldn't wanna be a fugitive on the run with Hank,
0:45:29 > 0:45:32Buffalo's number one police dog on the job.
0:45:32 > 0:45:36I'm reporting from the police canine training centre, Channel Five News.
0:45:36 > 0:45:38And cut it.
0:45:41 > 0:45:45Hey. Look what the cat coughed up.
0:45:45 > 0:45:49- Channel Seven, right? You're the guy that went crazy.- I had a bad moment.
0:45:49 > 0:45:52- What are you doing here? - Just looking for a story.
0:45:52 > 0:45:56No story here. This pond's all fished out.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58- Pretty standard stuff anyway. - I dunno.
0:45:58 > 0:46:02- My instinct tells me there's something more.- Go with that.
0:46:02 > 0:46:05- It served you well in the past(!) - THEY ALL LAUGH
0:46:07 > 0:46:09DOG BARKS
0:46:12 > 0:46:14Hey! Hank found something!
0:46:16 > 0:46:18- Hey! We got a body!- Over here!
0:46:18 > 0:46:23- Get the camera! Now!- It's locked, and the keys are inside!
0:46:23 > 0:46:28- I guess every dog has his day. Hey, kid, wanna make 10 bucks?- Sure.
0:46:28 > 0:46:35- Know how to use one of these?- Duh! - Seems to be in tune. Let's do this.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38Jimmy Hoffa's body was uncovered in a field
0:46:38 > 0:46:41outside of a canine training centre in Buffalo.
0:46:41 > 0:46:44- Bruce Nolan was the first on the scene.- Thanks.
0:46:44 > 0:46:48The body's being carefully exhumed and will be transported
0:46:48 > 0:46:52to a medical facility where DNA testing can confirm the identity.
0:46:52 > 0:46:56That, however, merely a formality, as, in a bizarre twist,
0:46:56 > 0:47:00the body was found buried with a birth certificate and dental records.
0:47:00 > 0:47:04I'd call that a red-letter day for any canine unit,
0:47:04 > 0:47:07but was that enough for Hank? No siree.
0:47:07 > 0:47:12Moments later he busted a local news camera crew with 220lbs of marijuana.
0:47:12 > 0:47:16I never saw it before! I swear!
0:47:18 > 0:47:23I'm Bruce Nolan, and that's the way the cookie crumbles.
0:47:24 > 0:47:26CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:47:26 > 0:47:29Yeah! Did you like that?
0:47:31 > 0:47:36- Yes, thank you, thank you.- Hi, Bruce. - Oh, hi, Susan.- Good work.
0:47:36 > 0:47:38I'm impressed.
0:47:42 > 0:47:46- Jack, did you need me? - Bruce! Just the man I wanna see.
0:47:46 > 0:47:51- Hoffa? What are the odds of that? - What are the odds of that?
0:47:51 > 0:47:55- Why don't you sit down?- OK. - I'll be straight with you.
0:47:55 > 0:48:00We want you back. It wasn't my decision to let you go.
0:48:00 > 0:48:04- When the big guy gives the order... - No harm, no foul.
0:48:04 > 0:48:07I needed time to reassess my goals.
0:48:07 > 0:48:11- You did that in a day? - Imagine what I could do with seven!
0:48:11 > 0:48:15It's not in my power to give you anchor.
0:48:15 > 0:48:19As far as field reporting goes, if you're looking for a bump...
0:48:19 > 0:48:22Let's cut the crap and get down to brass tacks.
0:48:24 > 0:48:27I had you going, Jackie.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30Don't even worry about it, my old friend.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33You give me a camera, I'll give you the news.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36MUSIC: "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis Presley
0:48:42 > 0:48:47My secret is that I let the jalapenos marinate in a spicy sauce
0:48:47 > 0:48:52for at least 24 hours before I stir it into the chilli.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54Then I let it all come to a simmer.
0:48:54 > 0:48:56BOOM!
0:48:56 > 0:48:57Ooh!
0:48:58 > 0:49:01Hold that thought, Hazel!
0:49:01 > 0:49:04It seems as if an asteroid or some kind of meteorite
0:49:04 > 0:49:08has hit ground right outside the Mark Twain Chilli Cook-Off!
0:49:08 > 0:49:11This should certainly spice things up a bit!
0:49:11 > 0:49:13His stories are all over town...
0:49:13 > 0:49:17- ..from unearthing Jimmy Hoffa... - ..to a meteor crashing to Earth...
0:49:17 > 0:49:20..Bruce Nolan is rapidly becoming known as...
0:49:20 > 0:49:25# A little less conversation A little more action guaranteed... #
0:49:25 > 0:49:27SHE GASPS
0:49:28 > 0:49:32DOG BARKS
0:49:34 > 0:49:38ALL: And that's the way the cookie crumbles!
0:49:38 > 0:49:41GROANING
0:49:41 > 0:49:47- This is Bruce's idea?- He said he wanted me to have a day of beauty
0:49:47 > 0:49:50and luxurious serenity.
0:49:50 > 0:49:53I gotta tell you, he's really impressing me lately.
0:49:53 > 0:49:58- You know where he's taking me to dinner tonight?- Mm? Where?
0:50:00 > 0:50:02The Blue Palm?
0:50:02 > 0:50:05- Mm. - Oh, my gosh. I just got chills.
0:50:05 > 0:50:11He told me to prepare for the most memorable night of our lives.
0:50:11 > 0:50:15- Oh, my gosh. Grace, he's gonna propose.- Oh, stop it!
0:50:15 > 0:50:20- No... Really? - Yeah, really. C'mon, do the math.
0:50:20 > 0:50:23He sends you to a beauty spa, he's taking you to a romantic restaurant
0:50:23 > 0:50:25where you had your first date. Hello?
0:50:25 > 0:50:31I never thought I'd say this, but he's right. This is your big night.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34- Enjoy it.- Oh, God... - BONES CRUNCH - Ow... Wow.
0:50:35 > 0:50:39Welcome to Eyewitness News At Six, with Susan Ortega,
0:50:39 > 0:50:41Evan Baxter, Fred Donohue, sports.
0:50:41 > 0:50:46Dallas Coleman, weather. And now, Buffalo's number one news team.
0:50:46 > 0:50:49Welcome to Eyewitness News At Six. I'm Susan Ortega.
0:50:49 > 0:50:52I'm Evan Baxter, and here's what's making news.
0:50:52 > 0:50:57A potential scandal with the Buffalo PD surfaced today, when the mayor
0:50:57 > 0:50:59- HIGH-PITCHED:- ..demanded... - HE CLEARS THROAT
0:50:59 > 0:51:01- HIGH-PITCHED: - ..when the mayor demanded...
0:51:01 > 0:51:04- ..the mayor demanded the chief... - HE CLEARS THROAT
0:51:04 > 0:51:09..issue a response to allegations... Sorry, I have something stuck in...
0:51:09 > 0:51:10Get him some water.
0:51:10 > 0:51:16- My new co-anchor needs a glass of water. - HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH
0:51:16 > 0:51:20- HE CLEARS THROAT - Oh. There we go. Sorry about that.
0:51:20 > 0:51:25In other news, the prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today,
0:51:25 > 0:51:30- and my tiny little nipples went to France.- What did he just say?
0:51:30 > 0:51:33Check the prompter.
0:51:33 > 0:51:36The prompter's fine.
0:51:36 > 0:51:39Evan, read the copy. The copy's good. Just read it.
0:51:39 > 0:51:41The White House reception committee
0:51:41 > 0:51:43greeted the prime rib roast minister,
0:51:43 > 0:51:47and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl.
0:51:49 > 0:51:51I lika do
0:51:51 > 0:51:53da cha-cha.
0:51:57 > 0:52:01I'm sorry, we seem to be having some technical difficulties.
0:52:01 > 0:52:05- In other news... - FART-LIKE NOISES
0:52:05 > 0:52:07- My apologies. - HE CLEARS THROAT
0:52:11 > 0:52:14HE TALKS GIBBERISH
0:52:15 > 0:52:17CONTINUES TALKING GIBBERISH
0:52:38 > 0:52:40Doo doo ca ca poo poo.
0:52:40 > 0:52:43Pee pee! Myah!
0:52:43 > 0:52:46HE LAUGHS
0:52:57 > 0:53:00# If I ruled the world
0:53:02 > 0:53:07# Every day would be the first day of spring
0:53:07 > 0:53:13# Every heart would have a new song to sing
0:53:13 > 0:53:18# And we'd sing of joy every morning would bring
0:53:20 > 0:53:23# If I ruled the world
0:53:25 > 0:53:28# Every man would be as free as a bird... #
0:53:28 > 0:53:31- May I?- Certainly.
0:53:31 > 0:53:33Oh, God!
0:53:33 > 0:53:36# Every voice would be a voice to be heard... #
0:53:36 > 0:53:39It's perfect. She'll love it.
0:53:39 > 0:53:42# ..We would treasure each day that occurs... #
0:53:42 > 0:53:49You know, I was gonna wait until after the meal,
0:53:49 > 0:53:53- but it'll burst out of me like an alien if I don't do it now.- Oh, God.
0:53:53 > 0:53:59Oh, my God. This is it, isn't it? I don't know...
0:53:59 > 0:54:02I don't know if I'm ready for this. I mean, I'm ready.
0:54:02 > 0:54:06I just didn't know... I didn't think... Sorry, go on.
0:54:06 > 0:54:10- I didn't know this was so important to you.- Me, neither. Me, neither.
0:54:10 > 0:54:12Oh.
0:54:12 > 0:54:14- Grace?- Yes?
0:54:15 > 0:54:17- Grace?- Yes?
0:54:22 > 0:54:25I got anchor.
0:54:25 > 0:54:28Huh!
0:54:28 > 0:54:32Yes. Apparently, it wasn't working out with Evan.
0:54:32 > 0:54:37So, he's gonna finish out the week and I go live on Monday.
0:54:37 > 0:54:41- That's great, honey. - I know, I know.
0:54:41 > 0:54:43Wow.
0:54:45 > 0:54:52- So, that's what this is all about? - Well, yeah. We got anchor.
0:54:52 > 0:54:58- Jack's throwing me a party at the Vanderbilt estate to celebrate. What's the matter?- Nothing.
0:54:58 > 0:55:02'Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep...'
0:55:02 > 0:55:07- I feel stupid.- It's loud in here. - 'Please, Lord...'- It's not loud.
0:55:07 > 0:55:11Jeez! Can you keep it down to a dull roar?! Thanks!
0:55:11 > 0:55:15- Is that supposed to be funny? Cos it's not.- What are you saying?!
0:55:15 > 0:55:19- What is wrong? Stop yelling. - LOUD VOICES CONTINUE
0:55:19 > 0:55:24Uh, can you excuse me? I think I'll take a little trip to the, uh...
0:55:25 > 0:55:29The wine is going right through me!
0:55:29 > 0:55:33- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.- Keep going, Tony! You're great!- Oh, God...
0:55:33 > 0:55:35VOICES CONTINUE
0:55:35 > 0:55:41What is going on here? What is this? Give me a break!
0:55:46 > 0:55:48Really something, isn't it?
0:55:50 > 0:55:54- Is this heaven? - No, this is Mount Everest.
0:55:54 > 0:55:58You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time.
0:55:58 > 0:56:02But I guess you can't now, being dead an' all.
0:56:02 > 0:56:06- I'm dead?!- Nah, I'm just messing with you!
0:56:06 > 0:56:11That's not funny, man! That's not funny!
0:56:11 > 0:56:15And what about the voices in my head?! Is that part of the hilarity?!
0:56:15 > 0:56:17No, those are prayers. Keep ignoring them,
0:56:17 > 0:56:22- they'll build up on you like that. - But it's just noise.
0:56:22 > 0:56:26- I can't understand them.- You're not listening, son. Let's see.
0:56:26 > 0:56:30You've had my powers for just over a week.
0:56:30 > 0:56:32How many people have you helped?
0:56:35 > 0:56:41I took care of a few things. Righted a few wrongs in my own life first.
0:56:41 > 0:56:46- I was gonna help the others. I could help the world.- The world?- Mm-hm.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48That wasn't the world.
0:56:48 > 0:56:54- That was just Buffalo, between 57th Street and Commonwealth.- Oh.
0:56:54 > 0:56:59I didn't want to start you off with more than you could handle.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02You took the job, so I suggest you get to it.
0:57:02 > 0:57:05'Seeing him smile made me so happy.'
0:57:05 > 0:57:07Prayers, prayers, OK, prayers.
0:57:07 > 0:57:10Uhhh! This creepy whisper thing has to end.
0:57:10 > 0:57:13Organisation and management, that's what I need.
0:57:13 > 0:57:16I need a system, something concrete.
0:57:16 > 0:57:19Concentrate. Files.
0:57:19 > 0:57:23Let all prayers be organised into files.
0:57:26 > 0:57:28Well, that takes care of the voices.
0:57:28 > 0:57:31Not exactly a space saver, though.
0:57:31 > 0:57:36Grace might notice. I know. Prayer Post-Its!
0:57:41 > 0:57:44DOG BARKS
0:57:44 > 0:57:46Shh!
0:57:50 > 0:57:54OK, I need something with a lock. Security combination, password.
0:57:56 > 0:57:58Password!
0:57:58 > 0:58:02# Yahweh! #
0:58:05 > 0:58:07Welcome to the revelation superhighway.
0:58:07 > 0:58:10We bless, no mess. Downloading now.
0:58:13 > 0:58:15It's good. It's goo-ood.
0:58:18 > 0:58:21This is gonna take a while.
0:58:25 > 0:58:301,527,503 prayer requests?
0:58:32 > 0:58:35I better manifest some coffee.
0:58:37 > 0:58:39Hola! Juan Valdez!
0:58:40 > 0:58:44- Buenos dias.- Buenos dias. - Disfrute un buen cafe.
0:58:44 > 0:58:46- Gracias, senor.- Adios.
0:58:46 > 0:58:48DONKEY BRAYS Adios.
0:58:48 > 0:58:50DOG BARKS
0:58:52 > 0:58:53Ahh!
0:58:53 > 0:58:59Now, that's fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.
0:59:16 > 0:59:18LONG BURP
0:59:25 > 0:59:29OK, I had to have made some kind of a dent by now.
0:59:31 > 0:59:35Oh, come on! Agh! What a bunch of whiners.
0:59:35 > 0:59:41This is gonna suck up my whole life. You know what?
0:59:43 > 0:59:45Yes. To all.
0:59:45 > 0:59:50Yeah. There you go. Now everybody's happy.
0:59:59 > 1:00:02I'll drink to that. My tech stocks tripled in five days.
1:00:02 > 1:00:05- Y'know something? You seem taller. - I am.
1:00:05 > 1:00:10- My daughter pitched a no-hitter.- I lost 47lbs on the Krispy Kreme diet.
1:00:10 > 1:00:14Hey! There he is! The man of the hour!
1:00:14 > 1:00:17Bless you! Bless all of you!
1:00:17 > 1:00:21Be fruitful and do long division or something!
1:00:21 > 1:00:24Hey, try that. It's an excellent year.
1:00:24 > 1:00:27Hey, Bruce! Who d'you like in the game tonight?
1:00:27 > 1:00:30- I like the Sabres. Coach prays a lot. - OK!
1:00:30 > 1:00:34MUSIC: "God Gave Me Everything" by Mick Jagger
1:00:48 > 1:00:51PHONE RINGS
1:00:51 > 1:00:54'This is Bruce, Grace and Sam. Leave a message.'
1:00:54 > 1:00:57Grace? Are you there? It's me.
1:00:57 > 1:01:02Hello? Hello, hello, hello, hello. C'mon, Grace, come to the party.
1:01:02 > 1:01:05I'll call you later, OK?
1:01:05 > 1:01:07DOG WHIMPERS
1:01:07 > 1:01:09Come on, Sam.
1:01:11 > 1:01:13Help me out here.
1:01:16 > 1:01:18Oh, Sam, don't. Come on.
1:01:18 > 1:01:23- 'Tell me.- It might not come true. - 'What is it you want, Mary?
1:01:23 > 1:01:28'You want the moon? Say the word, I'll throw a lasso around it
1:01:28 > 1:01:33'and pull it down. That's a good idea. I'll give you the moon.
1:01:33 > 1:01:38- 'I'll take it. Then what?- You swallow it. And it'd dissolve, see?
1:01:38 > 1:01:44'The moon beams'd shoot out of your fingers, toes and ends of your hair...'
1:01:56 > 1:01:59'Hey, this is Bruce, Grace and Sam.'
1:01:59 > 1:02:02Hi, Bruce.
1:02:02 > 1:02:05What are you doing in here all alone?
1:02:05 > 1:02:09Oh, I was just gonna... Oh, I mean...
1:02:11 > 1:02:14I was gonna, uh, give Grace a call.
1:02:14 > 1:02:19I didn't see her in there. How are you and Grace doing?
1:02:19 > 1:02:22Actually, we had a bit of a fight.
1:02:22 > 1:02:27- Kind of... I'm not sure if she's... - You're on fire, Bruce.
1:02:27 > 1:02:32- Hm?- Yeah. Some women can't handle fire. ..Some can.
1:02:32 > 1:02:37That's interesting, cos I never thought we would ever talk...
1:02:37 > 1:02:39Mmm... Mmm...
1:02:40 > 1:02:44Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
1:02:48 > 1:02:50Grace!
1:02:51 > 1:02:52Ahhh!
1:02:56 > 1:03:02Ah, you might wanna stop touching me now. It's not a good time. Grace!
1:03:02 > 1:03:05Grace! Grace, come here! Don't, Grace.
1:03:05 > 1:03:08This is so weird, I was just calling you.
1:03:08 > 1:03:11And you thought Susan's mouth was the phone?!
1:03:11 > 1:03:16- She kissed me. I'm the kissee. - You were putting up a big fight!
1:03:16 > 1:03:21I tried to fight her off, but she's really strong. OK, I screwed up!
1:03:21 > 1:03:27- Can I make it up to you?- Yeah. Get me a boat.- What?- A big boat.
1:03:27 > 1:03:32And two big bags of cash. Then I'll be happy. Lots of money and stuff!
1:03:32 > 1:03:36Other people want idiotic crap like getting married or having babies
1:03:36 > 1:03:41with the man they've loved for five years, but just give me the boat.
1:03:41 > 1:03:45No wonder you stayed single! Grace, don't do this.
1:03:45 > 1:03:49I'm not doing this. I'm undoing it. I'll be at Debbie's.
1:03:49 > 1:03:55- Take care of Sam until I can make arrangements.- You can't leave me.
1:03:55 > 1:04:01I'm the alpha, lady! I'm the omega, baby!
1:04:01 > 1:04:04OK, fine! I don't need you!
1:04:09 > 1:04:14What's the matter, Bruce? She can't handle a little competition?
1:04:14 > 1:04:18Game's been called on account of rain.
1:04:18 > 1:04:20ALL SCREAM
1:04:31 > 1:04:37A high number of lottery winners has New York officials concerned.
1:04:37 > 1:04:41So far, 1,100 winning tickets have been turned in, all, strangely,
1:04:41 > 1:04:46from the Buffalo area. More on this story as it develops.
1:04:46 > 1:04:48Enjoying your party?
1:04:48 > 1:04:54- Nothing like spending quality time with great friends.- Grace left me.
1:04:54 > 1:04:58- Yeah, I know. - She'll take me back.
1:05:01 > 1:05:03She'll take me back, right?
1:05:03 > 1:05:06Would you take you back?
1:05:09 > 1:05:14Oh... How d'you make somebody love you without affecting free will?
1:05:14 > 1:05:16Welcome to my world, son.
1:05:16 > 1:05:20If you come up with the answer, let me know.
1:05:29 > 1:05:32- ALARM CLOCK BEEPS - 'Rise and shine, Buffalo.
1:05:32 > 1:05:36'It's 70 and sunny and the perfect day to forgive Bruce.'
1:05:36 > 1:05:43# I don't know much But I know I love you... #
1:05:45 > 1:05:49- Bye.- Have fun.- You got it.
1:05:49 > 1:05:53# Every point of view has another angle
1:05:53 > 1:05:57# Every angle has its merits
1:05:57 > 1:06:04# Do you ever feel that there is something missing? #
1:06:11 > 1:06:15- Can I get a small coffee to go? - Sure. Just a sec.
1:06:15 > 1:06:21'K-Tel Records brings you the 100 greatest love songs of all time.
1:06:21 > 1:06:24'You'll hear such classics as All You Need Is Bruce,
1:06:24 > 1:06:27'If You Can't Be With The One You Love, Then Love Bruce!
1:06:27 > 1:06:29'Do The To Bruce One More Time,
1:06:29 > 1:06:31'And who can forget that classic...
1:06:31 > 1:06:34'Bruce So Horny, He Love You Long Time.
1:06:34 > 1:06:38'Order today, and we'll throw in, at no extra charge,
1:06:38 > 1:06:40'the video Sweatin' To Bruce!
1:06:40 > 1:06:45'Just dial 1 900-4 Giv Him. That's 1 900-4 Giv Him. Do it now.'
1:06:45 > 1:06:52# Do you ever feel that there is something missing? #
1:07:12 > 1:07:16Oh, no! Honey, no. Don't put that in your mouth.
1:07:16 > 1:07:19That's not food. Go to the bathroom.
1:07:19 > 1:07:22Wash out your mouth, wash off your hands.
1:07:22 > 1:07:25I swear that kid's gonna poop an ornament.
1:07:25 > 1:07:29One more time, you're gonna be in a lot of trouble.
1:07:29 > 1:07:32All right, that's it. That's it! ..Hi.
1:07:34 > 1:07:36I surrender! I surrender.
1:07:41 > 1:07:43- Hi.- Hi.
1:07:46 > 1:07:53- I'm, uh, doing my first anchor tonight.- Oh, wow. That's great.
1:07:53 > 1:07:56- So, how have you been doing?- Good. - Yeah?- Yeah, good.
1:07:56 > 1:08:01- Just, um...Debbie won the lottery. - Oh, yeah? You're kidding.
1:08:01 > 1:08:06But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, 17.
1:08:09 > 1:08:11I miss you.
1:08:14 > 1:08:19OK. I took a first step. Jumped out on a ledge.
1:08:21 > 1:08:25- Feeling vulnerable, too. - Whaddya want me to say?
1:08:25 > 1:08:29- Say you love me and want me back.- No. - C'mon. What about all the signs?
1:08:29 > 1:08:32How'd you know about that? Did you talk to Debbie?
1:08:32 > 1:08:38- Would it help if I said I was a complete ass?- Hey! You said ass!
1:08:38 > 1:08:43I was talking about a donkey. I didn't say hole. If I said ass...
1:08:43 > 1:08:48No, wait! OK, let's go inside. All right, kids! Everybody inside.
1:08:48 > 1:08:53Grace. Please. None of this seems right without you.
1:08:53 > 1:08:56SHE SIGHS
1:08:57 > 1:08:59Yeah, I gotta go.
1:08:59 > 1:09:01Wait!
1:09:03 > 1:09:05Huh...
1:09:06 > 1:09:09How do you feel now?
1:09:11 > 1:09:16Have you completely lost your mind? What, are you drunk?
1:09:16 > 1:09:19Yeah, I'm drunk. Drunk with power.
1:09:23 > 1:09:26Love me... Love me...
1:09:26 > 1:09:31Love me. Love me!
1:09:31 > 1:09:33I did.
1:09:45 > 1:09:49Yeah, I know. Free will.
1:09:49 > 1:09:53More power outages reported, caused by last week's meteorite strike.
1:09:53 > 1:09:57Officials are desperately trying to repair several transformers
1:09:57 > 1:09:59damaged by the ensuing electrical surge.
1:09:59 > 1:10:03The scene nearly turned violent when hundreds of disgruntled
1:10:03 > 1:10:06Buffalo residents protested last week's lottery results.
1:10:06 > 1:10:09Doomsayers point to last week's strange celestial events
1:10:09 > 1:10:15as signs that the world as we know it may be coming to an end.
1:10:15 > 1:10:17The world's gone mad.
1:10:17 > 1:10:20- Bruce, 30 seconds to air.- OK.
1:10:20 > 1:10:23It's your big debut. How are you feeling?
1:10:23 > 1:10:27You know what? I'm fine. Never better. Show must go on, right?
1:10:29 > 1:10:33- THEY ALL CHEER - The Sabres just won the Stanley Cup.
1:10:33 > 1:10:38You're kidding me! Was that tonight? That's great, isn't it?
1:10:38 > 1:10:40It's getting crazy out there.
1:10:40 > 1:10:43- We'll kick live to Fred at the stadium.- Five seconds to the open.
1:10:43 > 1:10:47- This is it. Ready?- Born that way.
1:10:47 > 1:10:50Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six with Susan Ortega,
1:10:50 > 1:10:52Bruce Nolan, Fred Donohue, sports.
1:10:52 > 1:10:56Dallas Coleman, weather. And now Buffalo's number one news team.
1:10:56 > 1:11:02- I'm Susan Ortega.- I'm Bruce Nolan. And here's what's making news.
1:11:02 > 1:11:04- What the hell happened? - We lost power.
1:11:04 > 1:11:09- Transformer's down again.- Oh, jeez. Ever since that damn meteorite hit.
1:11:09 > 1:11:11It's OK, we're back up.
1:11:11 > 1:11:16- We apologise for the interruption. Back to the news. Bruce?- Thank you.
1:11:16 > 1:11:19I'm sorry. We're going live to HSBC Arena,
1:11:19 > 1:11:23- where the Buffalo Sabres have won the Stanley Cup.- Great.
1:11:23 > 1:11:28We're about to uncork some champagne because the Sabres have won
1:11:28 > 1:11:31their first championship in 22 years.
1:11:32 > 1:11:34What in the blue blazes?
1:11:34 > 1:11:39We'll be back with the Sabres' victory in just a hot second.
1:11:39 > 1:11:42In other news... Bloody hell!
1:11:42 > 1:11:47- What is it now?- The whole booth is down.- No, it's not! In other news,
1:11:47 > 1:11:53fighting erupted in the Gaza Strip today as Israelis and Palestinians...
1:11:53 > 1:11:56- Bruce?- What?! - We've got a situation here.
1:11:56 > 1:11:59- They're rioting right outside the station.- (You're kidding.)
1:11:59 > 1:12:02The whole town has gone crazy.
1:12:05 > 1:12:10- Go on, Bruce, say something. - Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
1:12:10 > 1:12:12this just in,
1:12:12 > 1:12:17possibly the biggest breaking news story this town has ever seen.
1:12:24 > 1:12:26And I gotta go.
1:12:27 > 1:12:30I'm sorry, Jack.
1:12:30 > 1:12:32Susan, it's all yours.
1:12:35 > 1:12:37Sabres!
1:12:37 > 1:12:39Sabres rule!
1:12:39 > 1:12:41Down with the lottery!
1:12:41 > 1:12:44Repent! The end is near! Repent!
1:12:50 > 1:12:52DROWNED OUT BY SHOUTING
1:12:58 > 1:13:00The lottery sucks!
1:13:00 > 1:13:02I only won 17 bucks!
1:13:04 > 1:13:06Channel Seven lies!
1:13:06 > 1:13:08Oh, oh, no!
1:13:20 > 1:13:24GOD!
1:13:25 > 1:13:27God?
1:13:27 > 1:13:29Are you here?
1:13:32 > 1:13:34Hello?!
1:13:34 > 1:13:37I need your help! Clap on!
1:13:37 > 1:13:39Clap on!
1:13:39 > 1:13:42Clap on! Clap on! Clap on!
1:13:46 > 1:13:48Figures!
1:13:51 > 1:13:54Well, hello there, Bruce Almighty.
1:13:54 > 1:13:56HE LAUGHS
1:13:56 > 1:14:01Not as easy as it looks, is it, son? This God business.
1:14:01 > 1:14:07They're all out of control. It's me. I don't know what to do.
1:14:07 > 1:14:09Well, you're right on time. Seven o'clock.
1:14:12 > 1:14:14The seventh at seven.
1:14:28 > 1:14:31All righty, then.
1:14:31 > 1:14:36- There we are. - It's good. It's goo-ood.
1:14:37 > 1:14:40It's a wonderful thing.
1:14:40 > 1:14:44No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it up.
1:14:44 > 1:14:48There were so many. I just gave 'em all what they wanted.
1:14:48 > 1:14:55Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?
1:14:57 > 1:14:59So, what do I do?
1:15:01 > 1:15:05Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick.
1:15:05 > 1:15:10A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time
1:15:10 > 1:15:13to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle.
1:15:13 > 1:15:18A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education,
1:15:18 > 1:15:23that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them
1:15:23 > 1:15:27when what they don't realise is they have the power.
1:15:27 > 1:15:32You wanna see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.
1:15:32 > 1:15:34CLUNK!
1:15:34 > 1:15:37Wait. Are You leaving?
1:15:37 > 1:15:40Yeah, I figure you can handle things now.
1:15:40 > 1:15:46- But what if I need you? What if I have questions?- That's your problem.
1:15:46 > 1:15:49That's everybody's problem. You keep looking up.
1:15:53 > 1:15:58'Order has been restored in Buffalo after this evening's downtown riot.
1:15:58 > 1:16:01'State officials have suspended all lottery sales
1:16:01 > 1:16:02'pending further investigation.
1:16:02 > 1:16:05'No injuries were reported in the melee.
1:16:05 > 1:16:08'However, there were dozens of arrests.'
1:16:33 > 1:16:35CAR HORNS BLARE
1:16:44 > 1:16:48# I've gotta be honest I think you know
1:16:48 > 1:16:53# I've coveted lies and that's OK... #
1:16:53 > 1:16:55OK.
1:16:55 > 1:16:58- Thanks a million.- Oh, not a problem. - God bless.
1:17:04 > 1:17:08Bruce giveth, and Bruce taketh away.
1:17:08 > 1:17:12If you don't like it, mega-bite me.
1:17:19 > 1:17:21- Evan?- Bruce.
1:17:22 > 1:17:27I suppose you're here to gloat about the anchor position.
1:17:27 > 1:17:29Go ahead, take your best shot.
1:17:29 > 1:17:35Actually, I just came to tell you that I've been a royal prick.
1:17:35 > 1:17:39The anchor position is yours. I turned down the job.
1:17:39 > 1:17:44Oh, I never really congratulated you in the first place. Congratulations.
1:17:47 > 1:17:49Thanks, Bruce.
1:17:49 > 1:17:51'In the financial world, normality's returning
1:17:51 > 1:17:54'in what's being called a fluke market fluctuation.'
1:17:54 > 1:17:57- You made the right move. - What about you?
1:17:57 > 1:18:02- Are you ready to go back out there? - And do the cutesy stuff?
1:18:02 > 1:18:04The lighter side of the news?
1:18:04 > 1:18:08Lower and debase myself for the amusement of total strangers?
1:18:08 > 1:18:11- Yeah, I could do that. Sounds like fun.- Good.
1:18:11 > 1:18:14Let's do it right, like the other dogs.
1:18:14 > 1:18:19I don't wanna make you feel bad, but they're laughing at you.
1:18:19 > 1:18:24OK, come on. Concentrate. There. Pump it out if you have to.
1:18:24 > 1:18:26What am I gonna do with you?
1:18:26 > 1:18:29I know this seems kinda crazy,
1:18:29 > 1:18:31but desperate times
1:18:31 > 1:18:34calls for desperate measures.
1:18:36 > 1:18:39OK. OK, Sammy, do your thing.
1:18:41 > 1:18:44That's it. That's it. Good boy!
1:18:45 > 1:18:47Training my dog.
1:19:06 > 1:19:12Yes! We did it! We did it! Bow wow wow! Yippee-oh, yippee-ay!
1:19:12 > 1:19:15We're doing it doggy sty-y-yle!
1:19:16 > 1:19:21- I'll alert Penthouse Forum. - Hi, Deb. How are you?
1:19:21 > 1:19:26- How's Grace?- I didn't come to chat. I came for Grace's stuff.
1:19:31 > 1:19:36- You need, er...? - No, it's OK, I've got it.
1:19:40 > 1:19:43I don't, er, I don't know if she...
1:19:43 > 1:19:50- I don't know if she wants that or not.- This is full.
1:19:50 > 1:19:52You did all this?
1:20:03 > 1:20:08Y'know what I do every night before bed? I tuck my kids in.
1:20:08 > 1:20:13Maybe have some ice cream and watch Conan. You know what Grace does?
1:20:13 > 1:20:15She prays,
1:20:15 > 1:20:19most of the time for you.
1:20:46 > 1:20:49The woman does pray a lot.
1:20:49 > 1:20:51Find
1:20:51 > 1:20:53Grace and Bruce.
1:20:53 > 1:20:58Dear God, please help Bruce find himself, find contentment, find you.
1:20:58 > 1:21:01Dear God, please help Bruce. He seems to be struggling...
1:21:01 > 1:21:04Dear God, give Bruce strength.
1:21:04 > 1:21:07Dear God, bless Bruce. Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!
1:21:10 > 1:21:13It's her! Sammy, it's her.
1:21:13 > 1:21:17She's logging on. She's praying right now.
1:21:17 > 1:21:19Grace.
1:21:22 > 1:21:24- SOBBING:- Please, God.
1:21:24 > 1:21:27Please...
1:21:27 > 1:21:34I still love him. And I don't wanna love him any more.
1:21:34 > 1:21:37I don't wanna hurt any more. Please.
1:21:37 > 1:21:42Help me forget. Please help me let him go.
1:21:42 > 1:21:45Please help me let him go.
1:21:54 > 1:21:57THUNDER RUMBLES
1:22:06 > 1:22:08SOBBING: You win!
1:22:08 > 1:22:10I'm done!
1:22:10 > 1:22:15Please! I don't wanna do this any more!
1:22:15 > 1:22:17I don't wanna be God.
1:22:17 > 1:22:24I want you to decide what's right for me! I surrender to your will!
1:22:27 > 1:22:29Ah. Ah.
1:22:29 > 1:22:31KLAXON
1:22:31 > 1:22:33Huh?
1:22:52 > 1:22:58- Am I...?- You can't kneel in the middle of the highway and expect to live.
1:22:58 > 1:23:00But why?
1:23:00 > 1:23:02Why now?
1:23:02 > 1:23:05Bruce...
1:23:05 > 1:23:07you have the divine spark.
1:23:07 > 1:23:13You have the gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world.
1:23:13 > 1:23:15I know. I created you.
1:23:16 > 1:23:22- Quit bragging.- See? That's what I'm talking about. That's the spark.
1:23:27 > 1:23:33- What do you want me to do? - I want you to pray, son.
1:23:33 > 1:23:35Go ahead. Use them.
1:23:38 > 1:23:40Um...
1:23:40 > 1:23:43Lord,
1:23:43 > 1:23:45feed the hungry.
1:23:45 > 1:23:46And...
1:23:46 > 1:23:48bring peace to...
1:23:49 > 1:23:51..all of mankind.
1:23:53 > 1:23:57- How's that? - Great, if you wanna be Miss America.
1:23:57 > 1:24:02Now, come on. What do you really care about?
1:24:06 > 1:24:08Grace.
1:24:09 > 1:24:10Grace.
1:24:10 > 1:24:13You want her back?
1:24:17 > 1:24:19No.
1:24:21 > 1:24:26I want her to be happy... no matter what that means.
1:24:26 > 1:24:34I want her to find someone who'll treat her with all the love
1:24:34 > 1:24:38she deserved from me.
1:24:39 > 1:24:42I want her to meet someone...
1:24:46 > 1:24:51..who'll see her always as I do now.
1:24:56 > 1:24:59Through your eyes.
1:24:59 > 1:25:01- Now that's a prayer.- Yeah?
1:25:03 > 1:25:04Yeah.
1:25:04 > 1:25:06It's good.
1:25:06 > 1:25:09It's good? BOTH: It's goo-ood.
1:25:11 > 1:25:14I'm gonna get right on it.
1:25:14 > 1:25:17- Clear!- Whoa! - That didn't feel very good.
1:25:17 > 1:25:20- Clear!- He's got a rhythm!
1:25:20 > 1:25:24- All right, I got a pulse. - Let's let him up.
1:25:24 > 1:25:27- Get the backboard and brace.- Yup.
1:25:29 > 1:25:31Bruce?
1:25:31 > 1:25:34Bruce?
1:25:34 > 1:25:36Welcome back.
1:25:37 > 1:25:43You're lucky to be alive, son. Someone up there must like you.
1:25:55 > 1:26:00I hear all that stuff winds up in a warehouse somewhere.
1:26:02 > 1:26:04Grace...
1:26:06 > 1:26:08Oh, hi, baby.
1:26:10 > 1:26:13Oh, my God, look at you.
1:26:13 > 1:26:19- I was such an idiot. - It's OK. It's OK.
1:26:19 > 1:26:20It's OK.
1:26:22 > 1:26:26I don't know what I would've done...
1:26:26 > 1:26:32God. I swear I wanted to be mad at you forever.
1:26:42 > 1:26:45(Now you're just showing off.)
1:26:46 > 1:26:48Mmm.
1:26:55 > 1:26:58This is Bruce Nolan at Buffalo's first annual
1:26:58 > 1:27:02Be-The-Miracle blood drive. It's a b-e-a-utiful day.
1:27:02 > 1:27:05So come on down, because the life you save could be mine.
1:27:05 > 1:27:11The Kowolskis have baked a special cookie just for this occasion.
1:27:11 > 1:27:15Sure it's a little creepy, and a shameless plug, but we love 'em.
1:27:15 > 1:27:19Thank you, Mama. Vol, finger, nose.
1:27:19 > 1:27:21I will have given blood twice this week.
1:27:21 > 1:27:24For those of you who haven't heard,
1:27:24 > 1:27:28I'd like to introduce you to the future Mrs Exclusive,
1:27:28 > 1:27:30Grace Connelly. There she is.
1:27:30 > 1:27:33Look at her! Isn't she beautiful?!
1:27:33 > 1:27:38She just gave blood, and still has enough left to fill up her face.
1:27:38 > 1:27:42Behind every great man there's a woman rolling her eyes.
1:27:42 > 1:27:47I'm Bruce Nolan, with the folks at the blood drive reminding you to...
1:27:47 > 1:27:49ALL: Be the miracle!
1:27:49 > 1:27:51You heard 'em.
1:27:52 > 1:27:57- OK, cut it. Thank you, Bruce. - Thanks, Ally. Hey.
1:27:57 > 1:28:01- How was that?- That was great. That was really great.
1:28:01 > 1:28:05- Now go over there, the nurse is waiting.- Do I have to?
1:28:05 > 1:28:09It won't hurt. In fact, I think you'll find it quite pleasurable.
1:28:09 > 1:28:11Ooh, baby.
1:28:32 > 1:28:37- # Are you ready for a miracle? - # Ready as I can be!
1:28:37 > 1:28:42- # Are you ready for a miracle? - # Sent to set you free!
1:28:42 > 1:28:45- # Are you ready?- Ready! - Are you ready?- Ready!
1:28:45 > 1:28:47- # Are you ready? - Ready!
1:28:47 > 1:28:49# Ready for a miracle! #
1:29:05 > 1:29:11Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sock?
1:29:11 > 1:29:16# Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie! #
1:29:16 > 1:29:18- # Oompa! - Loompa!
1:29:18 > 1:29:20# Doompa... #
1:29:20 > 1:29:23Oh, jeez.
1:29:23 > 1:29:26- LAUGHTER - I'm sorry.
1:29:26 > 1:29:31- I'm a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.- Hm.
1:29:31 > 1:29:33Sounds delicious.
1:29:35 > 1:29:39There are storehouses all over the world,
1:29:39 > 1:29:43all over the, yeah, with tons of stuff on ice and... Sorry.
1:29:43 > 1:29:47You're like this. Sorry, go on.
1:29:47 > 1:29:51- Positive, IB positive. OK, sorry, sorry.- I have a rarie...
1:29:51 > 1:29:55Ohh! She has a rarie. LAUGHTER
1:29:55 > 1:29:58My blood's needed. I have a rare type. AB negative.
1:29:58 > 1:30:03- I'm IB positive.- Am I AB negative? - I don't know what you are.
1:30:03 > 1:30:10I may need a frickin' miracle to get to work on time... Aaargh!!
1:30:12 > 1:30:13Sorry.
1:30:15 > 1:30:17CLUNK!
1:30:18 > 1:30:20CLUNK! Oh, shit.
1:30:22 > 1:30:24Shit.
1:30:24 > 1:30:26APPLAUSE
1:30:29 > 1:30:30That will work.
1:30:30 > 1:30:33Other stories in the n-n-n-n-n-n...
1:30:38 > 1:30:42The prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today,
1:30:42 > 1:30:44and in other n-n-n-n-n...
1:30:47 > 1:30:50In other n-n-n-n-n-n...
1:30:50 > 1:30:53In other news... Huh-ha-ha!
1:30:53 > 1:30:56APPLAUSE
1:30:56 > 1:30:58I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness No...
1:31:01 > 1:31:03Eyewitness Nose!
1:31:03 > 1:31:06OK. And clear! Nagh!
1:31:06 > 1:31:10- ALL:- Be the miracle! - That's right.
1:31:10 > 1:31:12Whoo!
1:31:42 > 1:31:45Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
1:31:45 > 1:31:49E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk