0:00:12 > 0:00:13So sorry I'm late.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Hello, ladies. Ooh, I thought I was cutting it a bit fine today.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22I said, "It's not shared. No! That's my drive!"
0:00:22 > 0:00:24GENERAL CHATTER
0:00:37 > 0:00:44So, ladies, straight to the high point of our meeting - our guest speaker.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48I'm very pleased to welcome Alan Rathbone from York,
0:00:48 > 0:00:53who's gonna be giving us a talk on the history of the Milk Marketing Board.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Thank you, Alan.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Good evening, ladies of the Women's Institute.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Ladies, I'd like to welcome Iris Benton from Ilkley.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12She's come to lead us through the fascinating world of rugs.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15I beg your pardon, Iris.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I stand corrected. It's not just rugs.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20It's all forms of carpeting.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25- (Thank God. For a minute there I thought it was going to be dull(!))- Thank you, Iris.
0:01:32 > 0:01:38Our round-the-world cruise started in September in Skipton, when we booked the tickets.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40That's them.
0:01:41 > 0:01:47They were a special offer and it was essential, my wife told me, to book them before the 25th of the month.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- SNORING - Thank you.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04I don't know about you, ladies,
0:02:04 > 0:02:10but can I just say, Pauline, I had no idea that broccoli could be so intriguing.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Thank you.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Now then, ladies,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17can I have a volunteer to draw the raffle?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- No!- Yes.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- No!- All right, I'll ask him.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Volunteer your OWN husband!
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Yeah, right. What's Rod going to talk to the WI about?- Yeah, exactly.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34That's exactly what John'd say.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36What the hell am I gonna speak about?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39John, I don't care. Whatever it is is gonna be better than the bloody
0:02:39 > 0:02:43history of the cauliflower or whatever it is we've got next week.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- One seedling... - Annie, tell him!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48John, the whole point of the WI is, er...
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Are you listening to me? - Annie, what is the point of the WI?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Enlightenment, fun and friendship.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Well, there, you see? It's right.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00It's them...them things.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04In my case, it's a thing you did cos your mother asked you, then she went and died...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- You love it!- One seed in each pot!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09You're bloody useless, you are!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Oh look. Is that all right like that?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I've done the Harman wedding, but the carnation table fronts
0:03:32 > 0:03:35need to be done for that conference in Guiseley.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Good Lord - nagging lilies!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42And I couldn't find the order form.
0:03:47 > 0:03:53I thought, after your fantastic reorganisation, all the order forms had to go on the bent nail.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Are you going upstairs to do your homework?
0:03:59 > 0:04:00I'm not bothered.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- ON TELEVISION:- What happened yesterday, can't happen again.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Yeah. No worries.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Jem?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Mum.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54SHE CHUCKLES
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Oh, you... Shoo! You beggar!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Go on!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19He's a little devil is that crow.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22He'll have all them seedlings if we don't do something...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Something we need to have a little...
0:05:30 > 0:05:33..a little chat about.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Annie...- Don't leave me.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40You great... Hey, come here.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Hey!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Hey, hey!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I'm not leaving you.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49You soft girl.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54At least, I bloody hope not.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05So, um...
0:06:06 > 0:06:10You know, what kind is it he's got?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13He says he's gonna call it Saddam Hussein.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19You should have told us.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23I'm your oldest friend. You should have told me the moment you found out.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24(I did.)
0:06:28 > 0:06:31No big hoo-ha, though, OK?
0:06:31 > 0:06:36It'll just make it easier for him to get back to normal when he gets out, you know, and, um...
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- And the tests are clear and...- Yeah. - ..and everything.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57All entries for the home and craft competition to the WI tent immediately, please.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59What are they? Hell's Angels?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Sort of. They're morris dancers.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03We'll see you back at the tents.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- All right. See you later.- Yeah.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Garden in a plant pot.- Yeah. Done that.- Straightest courgette.- Done.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20- Most creative thing done with an egg. - Done that!- Then we've done everything. Come on!
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Look at 'em!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23High Gill WI.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26"Let's arrange our cakes round an old cartwheel."
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Does look pretty, though.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Whose side are you on, Brutus?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- No, I didn't mean... - What's your event, by the way?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Tea tray - on an international theme.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I did Jamaica, but it could be anywhere in the Caribbean.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43You know, if more people did WI,
0:07:43 > 0:07:46there'd be half the need for hallucinogenic drugs.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Good. Ruth.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50International tea tray. Victoria sponge...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Annie's on Victoria sponge.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- Summat for under a pound...- Kathy.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Kathy. That's it. Where's that?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01What's that?
0:08:01 > 0:08:07Annie won't have had time, running Yul Brynner in and out of Skipton General, so... Ta-da!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I'm sorry. It just took a bit long...
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- Oh, my God, the cake!- Told you.- It's all right. Chris has saved the day.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- YOU baked that?- I'm not a total dead loss as a woman.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21I can't knit or make plum jam, but I can bake a bloody Victoria sponge.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- All right! Thank you.- Course, I didn't actually bake this one.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- I got it from Marks & Spencer's. - What?!- The point is...
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- You can't enter a cake you've bought in a shop!- (Get off!)
0:08:31 > 0:08:34It doesn't matter where it comes from, does it?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36This is about putting up a united front against High Gill.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38This isn't bakery.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41It's Zulu.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Are you ready?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47CHEERING AND CLAPPING
0:08:54 > 0:09:00OVER TANNOY: Will the parents of the young lad in the Spiderman t-shirt please meet him under the gorilla?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04CHEERING
0:09:05 > 0:09:09OVER TANNOY: Excitement in the main tent, where the WI judging's begun.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Aye aye.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Jury's back.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this year's May Wilkinson trophy
0:09:17 > 0:09:21for Victoria sponge, maximum 12-inch diameter,
0:09:21 > 0:09:25I'm pleased to say is entry number 213.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Nice knowing you, Chris.- (Help me!)
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Oh, that's interesting.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Entered by Knapely WI...
0:09:34 > 0:09:37..and baked by Chris Harper.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39CLAPPING
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- Very, very well done. It's a beautiful cake. - Thanks. Thanks very much.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51And I'm proud to say this cake
0:09:51 > 0:09:55also wins the judges' 2002
0:09:55 > 0:09:57discretionary award. APPLAUSE
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- It was really beautiful.- Thank you.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Listen, I never normally ask this.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16The lightness of that sponge -
0:10:16 > 0:10:21is there a trick, a technique, how you got that?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Uh, well...
0:10:32 > 0:10:37Well, I basically stuck to me mother's advice about cake baking.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Yes.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Er...which is,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43line the bowl with butter.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Always use a warm spoon.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48And if it's a special event,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50get it at Marks & Spencer's!
0:10:51 > 0:10:55- She's...so-oh-oh...! Ah-ha-ha-ha! - CROWD BEGINS TO LAUGH
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Throw the cake at 'em!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Are you throwing my cake?!
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- That is disrespectful. - This is very good.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Of course it's good!
0:11:17 > 0:11:21They don't give the May Wilkinson out lightly, you know.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26In fact, I'm going to be asked to do a master class at the WI.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- That'll be interesting. - Wasn't I supposed to do one?
0:11:29 > 0:11:30- Something?- Yeah.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32For the WI.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Or don't you want that any more?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38I'll tell you what, if you want me to do it, you'd better get it in quick.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- Go, go, go.- Kiss.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55They're on "arrows of desire."
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- You're not going off without a kiss. - I go every Thursday.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00It's not an overseas posting.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Kiss.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22# Till we have built Jerusalem
0:12:23 > 0:12:28# In England's green and pleasant
0:12:28 > 0:12:30# Land. #
0:12:34 > 0:12:36SHE MOUTHS INAUDIBLY
0:12:39 > 0:12:45Firstly, how else could we start than by congratulating Chris
0:12:45 > 0:12:51on not only winning the May Wilkinson, but also the judges' discretionary ribbon.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53CONGRATULATORY MOTIF ON PIANO AND CLAPPING
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I'm so pleased.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Now, the next item on the agenda is the calendar.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Last year we had views of local bridges, so this year
0:13:09 > 0:13:13I thought we could go for the 12 most beautiful views of...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- (..George Clooney.) - ..the churches of Wharfedale.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20(11 fully clothed and a little "lift the flap" for December.)
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Chris?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- No, nothing. - She said George Clooney.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33No. No, Marie. I'm fine, you know, with whatever.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Churches of Wharfedale it is, then.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER
0:13:38 > 0:13:39It SHOULD be bloody George Clooney!
0:13:39 > 0:13:45Come the toss between Burnsall Church and George Clooney, I know which I'd rather wake up looking at.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- It is a Norman church, you know. - I'm not disputing the loveliness of the church, John.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53It's the firmness of the buttocks I'm worried about.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- Careful. You'll pull your drip out. - Anyway, let's face it...
0:13:56 > 0:14:03- Oh, I hate to be a revolutionary, it might actually sell a few copies(!) - Yeah, the WI posing-pouch calendar.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Flesh sells, I tell ya.- Yeah?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Right, decided.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11So where do we get a photographer?
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Art college. It's full of charlatans who prostitute their talent for money.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- Is it?- Yeah. Lawrence was telling me.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Hey, you wanna see this kid's photographs.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Don't go on about them.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30He's taking some of me sunflowers, to see how they're getting on.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34It's not your photographer, it's your models. Professional models cost a bomb.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Hey.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I'll model for you for nowt.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45No, thanks, John. I've just seen your backside and, believe me, it's not like George's.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02There we go.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Ow!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Ooh! This bloody settee.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09They're gonna need another relatives' room,
0:15:09 > 0:15:14for the relatives of the relatives who got injured on the settee in the bloody relatives' room.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19So, did you talk to the specialist?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24John seems chirpier to me today. What's the old, um...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Pneumonia and septicaemia.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29That's good. I've heard of those.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31They can deal with those, can't they?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34It means his immune system's weakened.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38The chemo isn't working.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Which means we're finally out of straws.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- BREATHILY:- Don't you go buying any benches.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Do what the hell I like, John Clarke.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59If you put a bench out here,
0:16:00 > 0:16:05it'll have "Leeds stuffed Arsenal" on it before you get back to the car.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Come on.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I've written me speech...WI.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Oh, right.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I did it about...me job.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31And all this.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33You read it to me.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Every stage of their growth
0:16:47 > 0:16:50is more beautiful than the last.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55But the last phase...
0:16:56 > 0:16:59..is always the most glorious.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Then very quickly they all go to seed.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Cheeky beggar!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00A while ago,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04I asked John Clarke to give us a talk here at Knapely WI.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Annie asked me to read it to you here tonight,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11and this is what he wrote.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18"The flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire.
0:18:18 > 0:18:24"Every stage of their growth has its own beauty, but the last phase is always the most glorious.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28"Then very quickly they all go to seed."
0:18:28 > 0:18:30LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:38"Which makes it ironic my favourite flower isn't even indigenous to the British Isles, let alone Yorkshire.
0:18:38 > 0:18:45"I don't think there's anything on this planet that more trumpets life than the sunflower.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49"For me, that's because of the reason behind its name.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51"Not because it looks like the sun
0:18:51 > 0:18:54"but because it follows the sun.
0:18:55 > 0:19:01"During the course of the day, the head tracks the journey of the sun across the sky.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05"A satellite dish for sunshine.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11"Wherever light is, no matter how weak, these flowers will find it.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15"And that's such an admirable thing.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18"And such a lesson in life."
0:19:30 > 0:19:33You ran into a gate? How'd you do that?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35HE MUMBLES AN ANSWER
0:19:35 > 0:19:36You what?!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39He does a paper round. It pays for his elocution lessons.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Yeah, well, he's bent these, good-style.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44It'll be, er...
0:19:45 > 0:19:47..Be 25 quid, that, love.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48I have to have it.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Mum?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Ted, would you mind if I borrowed this?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Nah.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Moving gently into the locust...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11And then...
0:20:11 > 0:20:13we have...
0:20:14 > 0:20:16..the lion.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23I have to admit I'm concerned about our great leader's grasp of t'ai chi.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- And into the llama.- Llama?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- Llama?- Are there llamas in China?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- OK?- What?(!)
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Are you all looking in the right direction?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- See you later, girls!- Bye, love! ALL: Bye!
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Bye.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42How's Annie?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43How can we help, do you think?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Are you doing anything tomorrow afternoon?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07It is, I'm telling ya.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Girls laughing's a good sign.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13It's a top sign, I tell ya.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Bloody hell, if you're in with Debbie Nolan...
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Not bein' unsound here, but she has got the most fantastic tits.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22She has got fi-hine mangoes.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Actually, not mangoes.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I don't imagine they'd be hard, like mangoes.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Maybe...plums.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Ripe plums.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37You know, big, ripe plums.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43No, what am I saying?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46No, not plums. Balloons!
0:21:46 > 0:21:47That's it.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49That's exactly what they're like.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54A pair of balloons you find behind your settee three days after a party.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Gaz, will you stop talking about tits?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Why would I ever wanna do that?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Well, I think it's a great idea.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08You weren't concentrating, were you, Ruth?
0:22:08 > 0:22:14I was. We're going to raise money for the hospital, to buy a sofa in John's name.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17By posing for a nude calendar.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24- Oh, no!- Sit down. I'm not asking you to straddle an 'arley-Davidson.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27It's still a bit of a leap from Burnsall Church, love.
0:22:27 > 0:22:33Yes, but that's the whole point. You see, like, it's an alternative calendar. It's, um...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's what John suggested.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40- Did he?- "The last stage of the flower is the most glorious."
0:22:40 > 0:22:45So what this calendar would be saying is, "Yes, John, actually. We agree."
0:22:45 > 0:22:49With respect, I didn't hear him use the phrase "whip your bras off."
0:22:52 > 0:22:56It's £999 in the leather, that sofa.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Can I remind you how much last year's calendar raised?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- £75.60.- ..Sixty.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Are you havin' it?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09We're havin' it, all right! Come on.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Yeah, we'll get back to you, thank you.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13'She's...'
0:23:14 > 0:23:17..I don't know. She's being weird.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Normal weird, or weird weird?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22She found this.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24You're kidding? Big Bazookas!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I saw her looking at it.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27God, I bet she went off her head.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31My mum did when she found me Rubber Housewives.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36It's a difficult age.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Round about now,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41women go through a difficult age,
0:23:41 > 0:23:45when they get all irrational and odd
0:23:45 > 0:23:47and difficult to predict.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- How do you know?- Me dad told me.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- Right. - No.- Ruth...- I've got to go, anyway.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Eddie's getting back from Ilkley.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Nobody's going to see anything, I promise you. You take the picture.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I'm not quite sure how to...
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- No, not yet. Wait! - You've just taken one of the table.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Won't sell a lot of calendars, will it?! Is that...- But it's...- Right.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Can anyone see my nipples?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- You bloody would if it were YOUR mum.- Look, what's she done?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Flicked through one jazz mag and looked at a mucky calendar.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23That doesn't make her a lesbian.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Hi, Jem.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Your mother's just...
0:24:36 > 0:24:41Er, just er... Just go on upstairs with your friend, OK?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03How was Ilkley?
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Hey, what are you doing up?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- How'd it go?- Oh, you know.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19They're not a scintillating lot, carpet dealers.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22They only get excited about bonded underlay.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- Coming to bed?- Aye, in a bit.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Just having a wind-down.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35TELEVISION: I don't want any more announcements of redundancies...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I've come for my photos. Er...
0:25:51 > 0:25:55- Can't find my little receipt thingy. The name's Har...- Here they are.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- It's £4.99, please.- Thank you.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Keep the penny. Thank you.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05SUPPRESSED GIGGLES
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- I'm surprised they printed it.- It's probably on the internet by now.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19By the sound of it, most people have seen it already.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20LAUGHTER
0:26:20 > 0:26:22For God's sake.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27Lots of people have their photos taken with their tops off on holiday in Ibiza, don't they?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30It just probably came as a slight shock, Chris.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33What with the previous 15 photos being of flower arrangements.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Oh, I've screwed up a-bloody-gain, haven't I? Yet a-bloody-gain.
0:26:37 > 0:26:43Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, what we have to ask ourselves here is this.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46What is the difference between this and the Venus De Milo?
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Oh, I love quizzes.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- The cooker?- Celia!
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Both feature women with their breasts exposed.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56What makes one a work of art?
0:26:56 > 0:27:00I think the answer to that's very simple. An artist.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05An artist.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Oh, she's lovely.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- A lovely light you've used on the face there.- Got her eyes, didn't he?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- And-and all those curls.- Mm.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26BOTH: Oh.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30So, have you photographed many humans, or is it mainly...
0:27:30 > 0:27:34It is mainly poodles.
0:27:34 > 0:27:40The blood represents globalisation and the sheep's skull is the death of democracy.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- And the carrot? - The carrot is capitalism.- Oh.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Mainly orchids.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I'm particularly interested in woodland orchids.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00And butterflies. I love photographing native butterflies.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02What exactly is your project?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Hello, ladies.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18This is crazy.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19He won't remember.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23He must see thousands of people come through here every day.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Mrs Clarke?
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- John's wife?- Yeah.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Hiya.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Hiya.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39Um...
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Are you serious?
0:28:41 > 0:28:47You've got 12 women in Skipton who are all, er, committed to doin' a nude photo shoot?
0:28:47 > 0:28:50- Well, technically we haven't got 12.- Yes.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52So long as we can find the right photographer.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07(We've found the right photographer.)
0:29:08 > 0:29:10(Are you going to commit to it?)
0:29:11 > 0:29:14(You are!)
0:29:15 > 0:29:16(Sorry.)
0:29:17 > 0:29:20(Don't think of it as naked, Cora.)
0:29:20 > 0:29:23(It's not naked. It's nude.)
0:29:23 > 0:29:28(Annie, I am 55 years old.)
0:29:28 > 0:29:32(So if I'm not gonna get 'em out now, when am I?)
0:29:35 > 0:29:37SHE PLAYS THE WEDDING MARCH
0:29:37 > 0:29:41It's the whole showing your breasts issue that concerns me.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44I think the whole point is that we don't properly.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46I know. That's what concerns me.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50Yours are good, are they?
0:29:50 > 0:29:52They're tremendous.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57Jessie, we're getting to the point now where we really need to commit.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00- Now, I know...- No front bottoms.
0:30:00 > 0:30:01What?
0:30:01 > 0:30:05I'm in, just as long as it's no front bottoms.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08That's a sight I've reserved for just one man in my life.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Do you think your husband'll mind?
0:30:10 > 0:30:11It wasn't my husband.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Course you've got a body worth lookin' at!
0:30:13 > 0:30:16- Just look at that parking!- Ruth.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Doesn't it annoy you when people take two spaces?
0:30:18 > 0:30:22Look, look. None of us have got a body worth looking at.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24No, well, that's not...
0:30:26 > 0:30:28We're not all Chrises in this life.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Some of us are Ruths.
0:30:31 > 0:30:32I'm sorry.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36Ruth. Ruth?
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Right, I did a bit of thinking about this calendar.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03OK, I think there's a trick we could play here. Um...
0:31:03 > 0:31:08At first glance, it should look like your classic WI calendar.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12Er. You know, all your jams, cakes, sewing and all that.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15You know, everything you'd expect.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18Except for one tiny thing.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21The person doing it is...er...
0:31:21 > 0:31:23..naked.
0:31:31 > 0:31:32It's...
0:31:32 > 0:31:36It's perfect, Lawrence. Really, it's perfect.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39A different girl for every month
0:31:39 > 0:31:41in a different guise.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Painting, um...press.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48Until December, when I thought we could do a group photo of you
0:31:48 > 0:31:51all together, you know, singin' a Christmas carol.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53That's a great idea!
0:31:53 > 0:31:55- With little hats on, like Father Christmas.- Yes!
0:31:55 > 0:31:58There's just one small problem.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00The photographer's a man.
0:32:00 > 0:32:04- Yeah. The point is, we won't actually be showing anything.- In the photos.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08I imagine a considerable amount will be on display in the room.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10(That's a point.)
0:32:10 > 0:32:14- (He'll have to be in the room to take the photos. - With us naked!- Yeah, well, nude.)
0:32:16 > 0:32:20(An art photographer doesn't see a naked woman. He sees a life model.)
0:32:20 > 0:32:24(Yes, the nudity isn't important.)
0:32:24 > 0:32:27That's easy to say when you've got your knickers on!
0:32:27 > 0:32:29He'll be looking at us as an artist.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32- I've heard that one before. - Have you?
0:32:32 > 0:32:35- He's not that kind of bloke. - I've heard that one before an' all!
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Where is he?
0:32:39 > 0:32:40- Oh.- Where's he gone!
0:32:44 > 0:32:45Lawrence?
0:32:52 > 0:32:58I mean, have you any idea how intimidating it is to come in here in front of you lot?
0:32:59 > 0:33:02How much it's taken that young man to do that?
0:33:02 > 0:33:05THEY MUMBLE: Sorry.
0:33:05 > 0:33:10Course we're not gonna go round parading ourselves in a room full of men.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14This isn't... France, for God's sake.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17Lawrence will set up the photo,
0:33:17 > 0:33:19leave the room,
0:33:19 > 0:33:21dressing gowns come off,
0:33:21 > 0:33:24and one of us will click the shutter.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Right.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Lawrence?
0:33:35 > 0:33:38I think these girls have got something to say to you.
0:33:38 > 0:33:39Sorry.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Sorry, Lawrence.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44# I will not cease
0:33:44 > 0:33:46# From mental fight
0:33:46 > 0:33:48# Nor shall my sword
0:33:48 > 0:33:51# Sleep in my hand
0:33:51 > 0:33:54# Till we have built
0:33:54 > 0:33:57# Jerusalem
0:33:57 > 0:34:00# In England's green and
0:34:00 > 0:34:03# Pleasant land! # INAUDIBLE
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Right.
0:34:07 > 0:34:12Has anyone any activities planned we might want to seek approval for
0:34:12 > 0:34:14at National Conference?
0:34:15 > 0:34:17It's always wise.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21We wouldn't want to do anything without approval from National Committee,
0:34:21 > 0:34:25not with Knapely being such a proud WI, with an unblemished reputation.
0:34:26 > 0:34:31Where it would take only one small act by a few rogue individuals
0:34:31 > 0:34:36- to ruin a reputation that we've spent all these years... - All right, all right.
0:34:36 > 0:34:37All right.
0:34:37 > 0:34:43- Look, we're plannin' a calendar for John, everyone.- Yeah.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46It's, um, to raise money for, er,
0:34:46 > 0:34:49well to buy something for the relatives' room
0:34:49 > 0:34:53in, er...in Knapely General.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55MUTTERS OF APPROVAL And?
0:34:56 > 0:34:59And...with us on it.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01- One for each month. - (What did she say?- Ooh.)
0:35:01 > 0:35:03And?
0:35:04 > 0:35:05Well...
0:35:07 > 0:35:10That-that's about it, really...
0:35:10 > 0:35:11Naked!
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- Naked?- Not naked. Nude.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18- What's the difference? - Art.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22And seein' Marie's raised the issue, we're a good few months short.
0:35:22 > 0:35:23LAUGHTER
0:35:23 > 0:35:28Is that not because all this has the air of another one of Chris's great ideas?
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Like the vodka-tasting night.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34No, no. Because I'm going to make sure this one turns out OK, Marie.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Because it's for John.
0:35:36 > 0:35:41It was inspired by John, and it's for John, and it's because of John.
0:35:41 > 0:35:46And no matter what you might think of the idea, Marie, you're lookin' at January.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52February.
0:35:52 > 0:35:53March.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00TWO WOMEN AT ONCE: April!
0:36:08 > 0:36:12Chris, do we have to make any special preparations?
0:36:12 > 0:36:16- No. These pictures are going to be us, girls, as we come.- Oh, God!
0:36:16 > 0:36:19- Grey hair, cellulite, the lot. - Oh, no!
0:36:19 > 0:36:23- Remember, "The last phase..." - ALL: "Is the most glorious!"
0:36:24 > 0:36:28Do you have any pictures of Rene Russo?
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Thanks.
0:37:04 > 0:37:05A week?
0:37:05 > 0:37:08I know. It's a client. He does, um...
0:37:08 > 0:37:11You know this new chain of hotels? Northern summat?
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Shall I come?
0:37:15 > 0:37:16Uh.
0:37:16 > 0:37:17What?
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Save your sanity, love. You know, it's carpets!
0:37:20 > 0:37:24If I raced dragsters, there might be summat worth watching.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Oh! Darling, come on!
0:37:34 > 0:37:36- Your ball's over there. - I'm coming, Frank.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:37:44 > 0:37:47T minus two hours. Bras off to avoid strap marks.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49As we speak, darling. As we speak.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52Darling?! Come on!
0:37:52 > 0:37:53Good girl.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27- So, we're going to go. - We're going to go.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29- That's the decision. - That's the decision.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33- We're going to go and tell them we're not going to do it.- OK.
0:38:44 > 0:38:45In, in! Quick!
0:38:46 > 0:38:48THEY GIGGLE
0:38:58 > 0:39:03You have to realise, I've never appeared nude in front of anyone in my life.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06- Not even Frank?- Frank's a major.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09We approach nudity on a strictly need-to-know basis.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12None of us have been here before, love.
0:39:12 > 0:39:17I mean, for God's sake, my John didn't see me naked until the spring of 1975.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20What happened in the spring of '75?
0:39:20 > 0:39:23There was a lizard in the shower block at Abergele!
0:39:25 > 0:39:27Quite a few people saw me naked that morning.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30FAINT LAUGHTER FROM KITCHEN AND CLOCK CHIMING
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Oh, that's not fair! ALL: Oh!
0:40:20 > 0:40:21Right.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26- (Shit or bust.)- (Shit or bust.)
0:40:26 > 0:40:28Right, Lawrence.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31- Ready when you are. - Here's the first.- You're on.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41They'll never go through with it.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46I'll put it here. It's a tool of the trade.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49Ladies, just bring the lamp up a bit. Raise the lamp for me.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51No, don't touch that.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53OK?
0:40:53 > 0:40:54Right.
0:40:54 > 0:40:55Annie? Chris?
0:40:55 > 0:40:57- Can you just clear frame for me? - Yeah.
0:41:01 > 0:41:05- OK, Celia?- Mm-hm?- Just lean in toward t'camera a little bit.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08- Right.- Enough?- Perfect.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18OK.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Ready.
0:41:21 > 0:41:22Erm.
0:41:25 > 0:41:26(OK.)
0:41:30 > 0:41:34Lawrence, we're going to need considerably bigger buns.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36THE WOMEN LAUGH
0:41:46 > 0:41:48Weren't the buns flat?
0:41:50 > 0:41:53No! Don't mess with the buns!
0:41:53 > 0:41:55I like them like this. They cover more.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58No, don't touch the composition!
0:41:58 > 0:42:00But, Lawrence, were the top buns flat?
0:42:00 > 0:42:05- No. They're flat!- Yeah, but flat for us or flat for her?
0:42:10 > 0:42:13Don't...touch...the...buns.
0:42:15 > 0:42:16Please.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Sorry.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24Bad girl.
0:42:24 > 0:42:25Bun toucher.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29She's got to look relaxed.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31I am bloody relaxed.
0:42:31 > 0:42:34- And she's gotta smile.- I am smiling!
0:42:34 > 0:42:36Not too much.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39I want it enigmatic.
0:42:39 > 0:42:43She looks like she's seen somebody she knows in the distance.
0:42:45 > 0:42:48Left side up a little.
0:42:48 > 0:42:50Your right side down a little.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53And the middle section sort of...
0:42:53 > 0:42:55For God's sake, get bloody Botticelli in here.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59- Lawrence.- Hiya.
0:42:59 > 0:43:00Get in here.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Chin down to your left.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14You look beautiful, Celia.
0:43:17 > 0:43:18CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
0:43:20 > 0:43:22OK.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24We're away.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27BLUES MUSIC
0:43:31 > 0:43:36I used to be in a band in the '70s. One day, for a laugh...
0:43:39 > 0:43:41Thank you.
0:43:52 > 0:43:54# Yeah she's 36 in the bust
0:43:54 > 0:43:57# 28 in the waist
0:43:57 > 0:44:01# 44 in the hips She got a real crazy legs
0:44:01 > 0:44:03# It upsets me baby
0:44:03 > 0:44:07# Yes, you upsets me, baby... #
0:44:08 > 0:44:12Come on, Sugden. It's your own time you're wasting.
0:44:12 > 0:44:14I was his junior school teacher.
0:44:16 > 0:44:18Oh, Jessie!
0:44:18 > 0:44:20What did I say about relaxing him?!
0:44:20 > 0:44:24What did she say about relaxing him?
0:44:25 > 0:44:29# You upsets me, baby Yes!
0:44:29 > 0:44:31# You upsets me, baby
0:44:32 > 0:44:35# Like being hit By a falling tree, woman
0:44:35 > 0:44:38# Woman what you do to me
0:44:40 > 0:44:42# Well I try to describe her
0:44:42 > 0:44:44# It's hard to stop
0:44:44 > 0:44:46# I better stop now
0:44:46 > 0:44:48# Because I got a weak heart
0:44:48 > 0:44:50# You upsets me... #
0:44:50 > 0:44:52Cup of tea, girls?
0:44:52 > 0:44:54# Well, you upsets me, baby
0:44:55 > 0:44:58# Well, like being hit By a falling tree
0:44:58 > 0:45:01# Woman, what you do to me... #
0:45:01 > 0:45:03SHE PLAYS TWO DISCORDANT NOTES
0:45:03 > 0:45:05There's no E-flat in "Jerusalem".
0:45:05 > 0:45:07I'd be disappointed if they look at me fingers!
0:45:42 > 0:45:45Oh! All right?
0:45:47 > 0:45:50Are you doing this one?
0:45:52 > 0:45:54What's your name?
0:45:54 > 0:45:55- Ruth.- Ruth.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58I'm Lawrence. Photographer.
0:46:03 > 0:46:04One minute.
0:46:04 > 0:46:05# Yeah! #
0:46:05 > 0:46:08BLUES INSTRUMENTAL
0:46:12 > 0:46:15Lawrence? Lawrence, who's next?
0:46:15 > 0:46:16Ruth.
0:46:16 > 0:46:18- Ruth?!- Ruth?!- Ruth?! No!
0:46:18 > 0:46:20No, wait. Lawrence!
0:46:35 > 0:46:38Right. Let's do it.
0:46:50 > 0:46:53# Well, I try to describe her
0:46:53 > 0:46:55# It's hard to stop... #
0:46:55 > 0:46:59Could I have...um, well, you know, some privacy?
0:46:59 > 0:47:00No-ho-ho!
0:47:01 > 0:47:02Off!
0:47:02 > 0:47:05ALL: Off, off, off...!
0:47:05 > 0:47:08ALL CONTINUE CHANTING "OFF"
0:47:08 > 0:47:10ALL: Off! THEY LAUGH
0:47:10 > 0:47:11THEY CLAP
0:47:16 > 0:47:18# We wish you a merry Christmas
0:47:18 > 0:47:21# And a happy New Year. #
0:47:21 > 0:47:23CHRIS BLOWS A RASPBERRY AND THEY ALL LAUGH
0:47:32 > 0:47:34NOISY CHATTER
0:47:36 > 0:47:39THEY ALL STOP TALKING
0:47:39 > 0:47:42Congratulations.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44It's a calendar.
0:47:52 > 0:47:56Yes. Black and white with just one colour.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58I don't know, er, 300...
0:47:59 > 0:48:01400...
0:48:01 > 0:48:04No, 500 copies.
0:48:04 > 0:48:06So how much would that be?
0:48:11 > 0:48:15Thank you. Get back to you.
0:48:15 > 0:48:16- It's never that much.- It bloody is.
0:48:18 > 0:48:23We're looking for sponsorship, and my husband always used your products, you see?
0:48:23 > 0:48:26He worked for the National Park.
0:48:26 > 0:48:27John Clarke?
0:48:27 > 0:48:32- Yes, that's right. He died of leukaemia.- Aye, I know.
0:48:32 > 0:48:34- I'm sorry.- Thank you.
0:48:34 > 0:48:37What do you need sponsorship for?
0:48:37 > 0:48:39OK, um...
0:48:45 > 0:48:47Right, we're getting there.
0:48:47 > 0:48:50But the sunflower needs to leap out at you. More yellow.
0:48:50 > 0:48:53Quiet! Look, you can't all be July.
0:48:53 > 0:48:55It's my birthday in July.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58My divorce came through in March. I'd like to be September.
0:49:10 > 0:49:12- Marie.- I'm not disturbing you, am I?
0:49:12 > 0:49:14I was just passing.
0:49:14 > 0:49:16Oh, I bought, um...
0:49:17 > 0:49:19They're nothing much.
0:49:19 > 0:49:21Marie, they're lovely. Come on in.
0:49:28 > 0:49:31I never felt I really knew John.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33He worked for the National Park, didn't he?
0:49:33 > 0:49:35Mmm.
0:49:36 > 0:49:40I just wanted to say, Annie, if there's anything...
0:49:40 > 0:49:43These are beautiful. What are they? Gerberas? Gorgeous.
0:49:44 > 0:49:49You should get away for a bit. Have a holiday. Get out of Knapely.
0:49:49 > 0:49:52You trying to get rid of me?
0:49:52 > 0:49:53No! No! I just...
0:49:53 > 0:49:57- I feel I have to say something, Annie. But...- More tea?
0:49:58 > 0:49:59No, no.
0:50:02 > 0:50:07I do know how difficult things must be for you at the moment, how you must be feeling.
0:50:08 > 0:50:10Do you?
0:50:10 > 0:50:11Oh, dear.
0:50:13 > 0:50:17Do you think John would have approved of this, Annie? Really?
0:50:17 > 0:50:20You didn't know John, you say...
0:50:20 > 0:50:23No, but I know that he was a good man, a decent man.
0:50:24 > 0:50:28If your concern is for the reputation of Knapely WI...
0:50:28 > 0:50:32- No, that's not what I'm saying. - Well, I think it is, Marie.
0:50:32 > 0:50:35The WI is about doing good.
0:50:35 > 0:50:39And I think we have to ask ourselves what does more good -
0:50:39 > 0:50:43knowing slightly more about broccoli one week than we did the last,
0:50:43 > 0:50:46or providing some comfort for someone in the worst hours of their life?
0:50:46 > 0:50:49Because that's what it's like, sweetheart.
0:50:49 > 0:50:53And, no, I don't think you do know how I feel.
0:50:55 > 0:50:56'Annie!'
0:50:58 > 0:50:59Re-sult!
0:50:59 > 0:51:01Oh!
0:51:01 > 0:51:02Oh, hello, Marie.
0:51:02 > 0:51:05Sorry, were, were you...?
0:51:05 > 0:51:08I don't know. Marie, had you finished?
0:51:08 > 0:51:10You wanna put a penny in with those.
0:51:10 > 0:51:12They last longer.
0:51:12 > 0:51:14Chris.
0:51:14 > 0:51:16(What was that about?)
0:51:16 > 0:51:19Don't ask. What's the result?
0:51:19 > 0:51:20I've got us a sponsor.
0:51:20 > 0:51:22- What?! - CHRIS BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:51:22 > 0:51:27..to those boring old farts at Carmichael's Seeds. Say hello to the lovely people at Jennings.
0:51:27 > 0:51:31- The beer?- All our printing costs and a press launch.- But the beer people?
0:51:31 > 0:51:36- All we have to do is put their little logo at the bottom of each page.- No, but...
0:51:36 > 0:51:39..The seed company made sense cos, you know, John loved flowers.
0:51:39 > 0:51:41But he never drank beer, Chris.
0:51:41 > 0:51:44- You know that. - It's not about the beer, Annie.
0:51:44 > 0:51:45It's about their money.
0:51:45 > 0:51:47MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:51:57 > 0:51:58There it is.
0:51:58 > 0:51:59Have a look.
0:51:59 > 0:52:02Oh. It's beautiful.
0:52:09 > 0:52:13Hello, is this the Skipton News? Could I speak to your publicity person, please?
0:52:14 > 0:52:16I want to make an announcement.
0:52:16 > 0:52:18Madam Chairman, can I just... Sorry.
0:52:18 > 0:52:22Madam Chairman, I'm sorry. Sorry.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24- Er... It's Knapely.- Sorry?
0:52:24 > 0:52:26- In Yorkshire.- Oh. Charming.
0:52:26 > 0:52:30Listen. I'm sorry to bother you in the middle of conference, but there's
0:52:30 > 0:52:34an issue come up at my WI which I feel duty-bound to inform you of.
0:52:34 > 0:52:36Well, you'll have to be brief. This way.
0:52:40 > 0:52:42Bastard!
0:52:42 > 0:52:45She wouldn't have done it deliberately.
0:52:45 > 0:52:48- The absolute - and I hate to use the word...- Well, don't then.
0:52:48 > 0:52:50It might have just slipped out.
0:52:50 > 0:52:52Oh, yes, to Brenda Mooney.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55Who happens to be Madam Chairman of the National WI Federation.
0:52:55 > 0:53:00- We could just... - I mean, Marie has deliberately poured poison down there.
0:53:00 > 0:53:05- Well, we'll just...- We'll do what, Ruth?- Just...- Please tell me!
0:53:05 > 0:53:08Seeing as 500 calendars are being printed as we speak.
0:53:08 > 0:53:12If we can't use the name Women's Institute, we just don't use it.
0:53:12 > 0:53:14If it's not the Women's Institute, it's just a load of
0:53:14 > 0:53:18middle-aged women mysteriously standing naked behind fruitcakes.
0:53:22 > 0:53:25Oh, my God! It would look like pornography!
0:53:26 > 0:53:27THEY ALL LAUGH
0:53:31 > 0:53:33But I don't know what's on the order form.
0:53:33 > 0:53:37It's under the tin can where the bent nail used to be.
0:53:37 > 0:53:40You're gonna have to sort this one out on your own, sweetheart.
0:53:40 > 0:53:42Why?
0:53:42 > 0:53:45- Where the hell are you? - Tell you later.
0:53:45 > 0:53:48I'll be back tonight for the press conference. Bye!
0:53:52 > 0:53:56Chris Harper and Annie Clarke from Knapely to see Brenda Mooney.
0:53:56 > 0:54:00- Are you official delegates?- No.- Yes, from Knapely.- Yes, from Knapely.
0:54:00 > 0:54:02And you're here to do an open spot?
0:54:02 > 0:54:04- Yep.- Right. Follow me.
0:54:04 > 0:54:06We're in.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11What's an open spot? Sounds painful.
0:54:11 > 0:54:14- I don't know.- Very last minute. You have to go on straightaway.
0:54:14 > 0:54:16- On where?- Don't know.
0:54:18 > 0:54:22- Which WI are you? - We're from Knapely. There are lots of them.
0:54:22 > 0:54:24Ooh. There are, aren't there.
0:54:26 > 0:54:27Um. Brenda...
0:54:27 > 0:54:29Sorry, Madam Chairperson...
0:54:29 > 0:54:33- "Conference" please. - Sorry? I beg your pardon?
0:54:33 > 0:54:35Address the whole conference, please.
0:54:49 > 0:54:53The final open spot of the morning is the delegate from Knappely.
0:54:53 > 0:54:55Knapely.
0:54:55 > 0:54:56Knapely.
0:55:01 > 0:55:03I...
0:55:03 > 0:55:06- Er...we... - SHE SIGHS
0:55:06 > 0:55:09We... We wanted to come...to...
0:55:10 > 0:55:12..ask approval from...
0:55:14 > 0:55:16..well, from you all.
0:55:18 > 0:55:23We-we want to do a WI calendar
0:55:23 > 0:55:28which raises enough money to...buy...um...
0:55:28 > 0:55:32a chair or a seat, a sofa,
0:55:32 > 0:55:35or, um...well, anything, really.
0:55:38 > 0:55:40CHRIS MOUTHS
0:55:41 > 0:55:43(Sorry.)
0:55:50 > 0:55:52OK, so.
0:55:52 > 0:55:54The thing is here,
0:55:54 > 0:55:58is that the hospital local to us in Knapely is where my John...
0:56:02 > 0:56:03..Where...
0:56:07 > 0:56:08..my husband...
0:56:16 > 0:56:19Thank you. Knapely, best of luck with the settee.
0:56:19 > 0:56:22No, no, no. Just hold on. Just hold on a minute with your red light.
0:56:22 > 0:56:25Does the other member from Knapely want to say something?
0:56:25 > 0:56:29Yes, because she's about to commit heresy.
0:56:29 > 0:56:32Hello.
0:56:32 > 0:56:34Here we go.
0:56:34 > 0:56:36(Oh, God.)
0:56:36 > 0:56:38Look, I hate plum jam.
0:56:38 > 0:56:40TITTERING
0:56:41 > 0:56:46I only joined the WI to make my mother happy. I do, I hate plum jam.
0:56:46 > 0:56:49I'm crap at cakes, I can't make sponge.
0:56:49 > 0:56:54In fact, seeing as it's unlikely that George Clooney would actually come to Skipton to do a talk
0:56:54 > 0:57:00on what it was like to be in ER, there seems very little reason for me to actually stay in the WI.
0:57:00 > 0:57:02Except suddenly...
0:57:02 > 0:57:07suddenly I want to raise money in memory of a man I loved,
0:57:07 > 0:57:12and to do that I'm prepared to take me clothes off for a WI calendar, and if you can't give us ten minutes
0:57:12 > 0:57:17of your time, Madam Chairman, well then, frankly, guys, I'm going to do it without council approval.
0:57:17 > 0:57:23Because there are some things that are more important than council approval.
0:57:23 > 0:57:27A-a-and if it means that we get closer to killing off this
0:57:27 > 0:57:33shitty, cheating, sly, conniving bloody disease
0:57:33 > 0:57:38that cancer is, God, I tell you, I'd run round Skipton market naked, smeared in plum jam, wearing
0:57:38 > 0:57:43nothing but a knitted tea cosy on me head and singing Jerusalem.
0:57:43 > 0:57:44TITTERING
0:57:56 > 0:57:58Let's break.
0:57:58 > 0:58:00Ten minutes.
0:58:14 > 0:58:16We don't do nudity.
0:58:17 > 0:58:19But we DO do charity.
0:58:19 > 0:58:24Can I assume this is a local fundraiser and you're not gonna be making too big a hoo-ha out of it?
0:58:24 > 0:58:32In which case, it's a branch matter, and I can leave any decision in the hands of your branch president.
0:58:32 > 0:58:33- Thank you.- Thank you.
0:58:40 > 0:58:42Oh. Sod it. Go on, then.
0:58:54 > 0:58:58- Evening News?- Yep.- Morning Herald? - Done.- Did you invite the Gazette journalist?- Yes.
0:58:58 > 0:59:02- Actually, so did I. We'll have two of them, then.- Here we go.
0:59:02 > 0:59:04Thank you. Keep the change.
0:59:06 > 0:59:08Oh, my God! It's half past.
0:59:08 > 0:59:12Come on. The girls will have done half the press conference by now.
0:59:12 > 0:59:13Right, where are we?
0:59:13 > 0:59:15I think it's down here. Come on.
0:59:30 > 0:59:33How many press releases did I send out?
0:59:33 > 0:59:35How many sodding press releases?!
0:59:36 > 0:59:39Bloody local paper!
0:59:39 > 0:59:42What bigger than this has happened in Knapely tonight? Don't tell me.
0:59:42 > 0:59:44Someone's grown a U-shaped marrow(!)
0:59:48 > 0:59:50We're going to lose money, aren't we?
0:59:52 > 0:59:56Not only are we not going to raise it, we're actually going to lose it.
0:59:57 > 1:00:02I suppose we did promise it wouldn't be a big hoo-ha.
1:00:02 > 1:00:03We tried.
1:00:04 > 1:00:06At least you made that speech.
1:00:06 > 1:00:10Yeah. Well, it's not enough, Annie.
1:00:13 > 1:00:17I'd rather not have tried than have to face Marie and say "Oh, no.
1:00:17 > 1:00:21"Actually, yes, you were right. It was another one of Chris's ideas."
1:00:23 > 1:00:26And what's worse - and this is a good one -
1:00:26 > 1:00:30To add insult to injury, I took me clothes off and no-one was interested.
1:00:30 > 1:00:32You after the WI thing?
1:00:32 > 1:00:36- Yes.- Had to spill over. They're in t'ballroom.
1:00:44 > 1:00:48..giving the game away to say we did have the odd glass of wine. Oh, here they are!
1:00:48 > 1:00:50APPLAUSE
1:00:58 > 1:01:00EXCITED CHATTER
1:01:24 > 1:01:26JOURNALISTS SHOUT QUESTIONS
1:01:53 > 1:01:58Sorry? Um. Well, John our...
1:02:03 > 1:02:06A CROWD CALLS OUT QUESTIONS
1:02:07 > 1:02:08Ooh! Ooh!
1:02:14 > 1:02:16You're nude in the Telegraph, dear.
1:02:19 > 1:02:20Oh. Can you pass the bacon?
1:02:42 > 1:02:44Open up, Maya, love, will ya?
1:02:44 > 1:02:46I have, Mum. We're full.
1:02:56 > 1:03:02One minute the dressing gown was on, and the next it was just me and the hat.
1:03:02 > 1:03:07I'm here in the Yorkshire village of Knapely, where the local WI have not only been raising money,
1:03:07 > 1:03:10but raising eyebrows by stripping for a charity calendar.
1:03:10 > 1:03:13I'm thinking of taking it up professionally.
1:03:13 > 1:03:14What's your family think?
1:03:14 > 1:03:19- I was worried that my daughter would be embarrassed.- Mum! - But she talked me into it.
1:03:19 > 1:03:21Any magazine offers?
1:03:22 > 1:03:24It's his village, is Knapely.
1:03:24 > 1:03:26House he grew up in was in Embsay Lane.
1:03:26 > 1:03:29And that church up there is where we got married.
1:03:29 > 1:03:30Hiya, Jessie!
1:03:31 > 1:03:33Sorry. Sorry.
1:03:33 > 1:03:34Miss September.
1:03:34 > 1:03:36It's done me the world of good.
1:03:40 > 1:03:43So, Chris, what gave you the idea?
1:03:43 > 1:03:46- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, excuse me.
1:03:48 > 1:03:52Hello, dear. I brought my journalists to meet your journalists.
1:03:52 > 1:03:55- Hello. - CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK RAPIDLY
1:03:55 > 1:03:59..To, er, to develop ideas and to have them...
1:03:59 > 1:04:05You know, after all, the WI is about education and empowerment of women.
1:04:05 > 1:04:07It's not just jam and Jerusalem, you know?
1:04:07 > 1:04:10The WI nude calendar?
1:04:10 > 1:04:12No, love, sorry.
1:04:12 > 1:04:16But I definitely sent you a batch of 50. Look.
1:04:16 > 1:04:18Look, Minstergate Bookshop, York.
1:04:18 > 1:04:20- 50.- And I got 'em, love,
1:04:20 > 1:04:25and I put 'em out at nine o'clock, and at ten past nine we'd sold out.
1:04:28 > 1:04:30Thanks very much. Thank you!
1:04:32 > 1:04:36Annie! Annie!
1:04:38 > 1:04:40We've got to order more calendars!
1:04:40 > 1:04:42We're down to the last 25.
1:04:45 > 1:04:49- What is it? - They were waiting for me.
1:04:49 > 1:04:51- Who?- When I got back.
1:04:59 > 1:05:01Oh...
1:05:01 > 1:05:02God.
1:05:04 > 1:05:05Read this, Chris.
1:05:12 > 1:05:16It's happened to them, just like it's happened to me.
1:05:16 > 1:05:18I'm going to help them.
1:05:22 > 1:05:27"And your photo made me smile for the first time in 15 months.
1:05:27 > 1:05:31"Now I smile whenever I see the calendar.
1:05:31 > 1:05:35"Thank you, girls, for your bravery and beauty.
1:05:35 > 1:05:37"Best wishes, Vera Mason."
1:05:37 > 1:05:40"It reminded me so of Eileen.
1:05:40 > 1:05:43"You seemed to have the same spirit she had.
1:05:43 > 1:05:47"I know she would have howled with laughter at your photographs.
1:05:47 > 1:05:49"Thank you again.
1:05:49 > 1:05:51"Looking forward to the next."
1:05:54 > 1:05:59"I'm currently in the high security wing of Her Majesty's Prison Barlinnie in Scotland,
1:05:59 > 1:06:03"and was mightily impressed by the sheer size of your... "
1:06:12 > 1:06:18'..has been speaking to the instigator of the world's first nude WI calendar - Chris Harper.'
1:06:19 > 1:06:20CHEERING AND THEN CLAPPING
1:06:20 > 1:06:25'So tell us how it all came about, cos you wouldn't normally associate the WI with nudity.
1:06:25 > 1:06:31'No, no, the usual image of the WI calendar is of plums and jam and country views.
1:06:31 > 1:06:34'But we thought if glamour photographers can do it on a beach
1:06:34 > 1:06:38'in Bangkok, we can do it in a church hall near Skipton.'
1:06:38 > 1:06:39CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
1:06:43 > 1:06:45- Fantastic.- 'How are you feeling?
1:06:45 > 1:06:47'We feel fabulous!'
1:06:49 > 1:06:51I was trying to get in there.
1:06:53 > 1:06:55'Middle age didn't put them off stripping off,
1:06:55 > 1:06:58'and now these women are hogging the headlines across the north.
1:06:58 > 1:07:04'Chris Harper's behind it all. Rather than fall back on the usual twee landscape scenes,
1:07:04 > 1:07:08'she talked her friends into posing nude for their local WI calendar.
1:07:08 > 1:07:11'Not quite the jam and Jerusalem the ladies are usually known for.
1:07:11 > 1:07:16'Chris says their husbands will never look at their wives in the same way again.
1:07:16 > 1:07:20'Neither will the other members of this quiet little Dales community.'
1:08:11 > 1:08:13- Where you going?- It's Thursday.
1:08:13 > 1:08:16But you just got back from the conference.
1:08:16 > 1:08:17Eddie, I've got a surprise for you.
1:08:17 > 1:08:19I've had it.
1:08:20 > 1:08:23I got it when someone turned round in t'petrol queue and said,
1:08:23 > 1:08:27"Isn't this tart with her tits out your wife?"
1:08:32 > 1:08:34Eddie.
1:08:37 > 1:08:40Eddie, I didn't do it just to... I just... Eddie!
1:08:47 > 1:08:49Burston wedding today.
1:08:49 > 1:08:52- Morning, Jem.- I'm Gaz.
1:08:52 > 1:08:53And we've got another order.
1:08:53 > 1:08:56It's a massive order, Chris.
1:08:56 > 1:08:58Guy's coming round at 4.30.
1:08:58 > 1:09:00Got a meeting.
1:09:00 > 1:09:02- When are you back?- Later. Bye!
1:09:02 > 1:09:04When later?
1:09:05 > 1:09:07Anyone seen Jem?
1:09:11 > 1:09:13Normally more than one of you, is there?
1:09:15 > 1:09:16Aye. Sorry.
1:09:17 > 1:09:20But, er, my wife -
1:09:20 > 1:09:22she's a bit busy at the moment.
1:09:22 > 1:09:24- Kids?- No.
1:09:25 > 1:09:29It's some WI calendar thing she's organised.
1:09:29 > 1:09:31She's on a chat show.
1:09:31 > 1:09:32Not the calendar? The nude one?
1:09:33 > 1:09:35Aye.
1:09:35 > 1:09:37We just bought one. My wife came home.
1:09:37 > 1:09:39Seriously, it's fantastic.
1:09:39 > 1:09:42I'll tell her.
1:09:43 > 1:09:46So, I've bought flowers off Mr...
1:09:46 > 1:09:48Come on, then, which one is she?
1:09:49 > 1:09:52January.
1:09:52 > 1:09:54Suppose you're getting sick of all this, are you?
1:09:59 > 1:10:02Oi, give us some of that.
1:10:08 > 1:10:10I thought I'd find you here.
1:10:10 > 1:10:11You all right?
1:10:13 > 1:10:15You got any money?
1:10:16 > 1:10:20What IS funny, between you and me, some of the blokes...
1:10:20 > 1:10:25Frank - his wife would hardly undress in front of him before.
1:10:25 > 1:10:27And now, apparently,
1:10:27 > 1:10:29you know...
1:10:33 > 1:10:36Well, it's not had that effect in our bedroom, I can tell ya.
1:10:36 > 1:10:38Hardly see her.
1:10:40 > 1:10:42Sorry, I can't resist this.
1:10:42 > 1:10:44Mr January.
1:10:44 > 1:10:46You don't mind, do you?
1:10:46 > 1:10:49Aye. As long as I don't have to take me clothes off.
1:10:53 > 1:10:59# I will not cease from mental fight... # MOBILE PHONE RINGS
1:10:59 > 1:11:05# Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
1:11:05 > 1:11:10# Till we have built Jerusalem... #
1:11:10 > 1:11:13I'll tell ya. It's unbelievable.
1:11:13 > 1:11:18Well, for the last two hours, I have been exchanging phone calls...
1:11:19 > 1:11:20..with Hollywood.
1:11:20 > 1:11:22What, the real one?
1:11:22 > 1:11:24No, Celia. The chocolate one.
1:11:24 > 1:11:27- Yes, the real one.- From who?
1:11:27 > 1:11:32From the studio of a show with a man whose name I've forgotten.
1:11:32 > 1:11:35- They're not coming all the way from America?- No.
1:11:35 > 1:11:38They're going to do it on the phone?
1:11:38 > 1:11:42No. They only do face-to-face interviews.
1:11:42 > 1:11:47If they won't come here and won't do it on the phone, how are they...? Oh, my God.
1:11:47 > 1:11:52We're going to Hollywood. Sssssh!
1:11:53 > 1:11:55(You're joking!)
1:11:56 > 1:11:59Reynoldson, with a Y.
1:12:01 > 1:12:03..Oh, he's there.
1:12:03 > 1:12:06..Oh, please. Could you put me through to his room?
1:12:12 > 1:12:13..Eddie?
1:12:19 > 1:12:23DISTANT GIGGLING
1:12:23 > 1:12:29- MIMICS ADULT:- Your toilet was broken, but, er, but I've fixed it now.
1:12:31 > 1:12:33All right, lads?
1:12:35 > 1:12:38- Can I help you, Officer?- You can put that joint out for a start.
1:12:45 > 1:12:48- Hollywood?- It's not for fun.
1:12:48 > 1:12:49It's really important.
1:12:49 > 1:12:54I mean, if we get on the telly in America, it's fantastic publicity.
1:12:54 > 1:12:56Just imagine - the whole of America.
1:12:58 > 1:13:01What about our business, Chris?
1:13:01 > 1:13:02Or is that not important?
1:13:10 > 1:13:12PHONE RINGS
1:13:12 > 1:13:14Can you get that?
1:13:17 > 1:13:19I'm in a meeting.
1:13:19 > 1:13:21Hello. Flower Power.
1:13:25 > 1:13:27It won't be anything serious.
1:13:27 > 1:13:29He'll be all right.
1:13:29 > 1:13:32- They're not charging him. - Oh, thank God.
1:13:32 > 1:13:34Is it not illegal then?
1:13:34 > 1:13:38Well, cannabis is, but they tend not to worry too much about oregano.
1:13:38 > 1:13:40Right...
1:13:40 > 1:13:43Right...
1:13:43 > 1:13:46Jem, you stupid... You stupid...
1:13:46 > 1:13:48Thanks, Mum.
1:13:48 > 1:13:52- Jem...- It's all right, I'll go. We've already had a little father and son.
1:13:52 > 1:13:56- Anyway, you've got to sign something before we can go.- Right.
1:13:56 > 1:13:59- Jem!- Would you like to come this way?
1:13:59 > 1:14:01Yes, all right.
1:14:01 > 1:14:03Oh, thanks.
1:14:14 > 1:14:16Thanks very much. Good night.
1:14:18 > 1:14:20Where is it? Where the hell is it?
1:14:20 > 1:14:23Ah, passport!
1:14:24 > 1:14:27I'm hoping they'll let me in with a few calendars.
1:14:27 > 1:14:30After we've been on American telly, we might be able to shift a few.
1:14:30 > 1:14:34Oh, no, wait a minute. The holidays are all different there, aren't they?
1:14:34 > 1:14:39Well, maybe we'll have to do a reprint. You know, the American version.
1:14:39 > 1:14:41So...
1:14:41 > 1:14:43Your son's been arrested.
1:14:45 > 1:14:47Yes, I know.
1:14:47 > 1:14:49And released, Annie, with 10g of oregano.
1:14:49 > 1:14:53The only thing that'd be dangerous in is a quiche.
1:14:53 > 1:14:55But he thought it was drugs, Chris.
1:14:57 > 1:15:00Do you want to stay?
1:15:00 > 1:15:01Find out why?
1:15:04 > 1:15:07Yes, I do, obviously, but...
1:15:10 > 1:15:14The woman in the studio contacted ME, Annie. I'm the one who...
1:15:14 > 1:15:17Chris, Chris, we can cope.
1:15:17 > 1:15:19We're big girls.
1:15:19 > 1:15:23Particularly Celia.
1:15:55 > 1:16:01Hello. I was wondering if you could quote me for some carpets.
1:16:03 > 1:16:06You do sell carpets?
1:16:06 > 1:16:08You are the owner of a carpet warehouse?
1:16:08 > 1:16:11- Sorry. I'm with someone.- I know.
1:16:11 > 1:16:13My husband.
1:16:16 > 1:16:21I just came to Ilkley to see what I wasn't as good as.
1:16:23 > 1:16:25OK. Well, you've done that now.
1:16:27 > 1:16:29He told me you were the manager
1:16:29 > 1:16:31of a carpet warehouse.
1:16:31 > 1:16:33He told me you were dead.
1:16:36 > 1:16:39I think maybe I have been.
1:16:39 > 1:16:42You are looking good, baby.
1:16:42 > 1:16:44Sorry?
1:16:44 > 1:16:47Which one of us are you talking about, Eddie?
1:16:47 > 1:16:50The one that makes a tart of herself by taking her clothes off, or me?
1:16:52 > 1:16:54Sod off! Eddie?
1:16:54 > 1:16:58No, no. You stay and enjoy yourselves.
1:16:58 > 1:16:59I'm off to Hollywood.
1:17:03 > 1:17:04Eddie?
1:17:08 > 1:17:12Sorry I'm late! Frank was so slow.
1:17:12 > 1:17:15Bloody hell, Celia! How many frocks?
1:17:15 > 1:17:16..or you'll be flooded out.
1:17:16 > 1:17:19And if anything goes wrong, phone your Auntie Sophie.
1:17:22 > 1:17:26- You going to say "Don't do anything I wouldn't do"? - You already have, Mam.
1:17:26 > 1:17:28Right, everyone. Has everyone got a ticket?
1:17:28 > 1:17:33- ALL: Yes. - A passport?- ALL: Yes.
1:17:33 > 1:17:34A lying snake for a husband?
1:17:35 > 1:17:38No? Only me there, then.
1:17:38 > 1:17:39Let's go!
1:17:44 > 1:17:47Hollywood, please, on your shiniest plane.
1:17:52 > 1:17:54Sorry, ladies. You've come to the wrong desk.
1:17:54 > 1:17:56ALL: What?!
1:17:59 > 1:18:04I have asked four people. Each said we could check in for the flight to Los Angeles at any desks.
1:18:04 > 1:18:08We have queued for 20 minutes in the only queue,
1:18:08 > 1:18:11and we were directed to your desk by your representative.
1:18:11 > 1:18:13Where PRECISELY have we gone wrong?
1:18:13 > 1:18:17There was no need to queue, madam. You're all flying upper class.
1:18:17 > 1:18:18You've been upgraded.
1:18:18 > 1:18:23- We're going first class! - First class?!
1:18:23 > 1:18:25I can check you in here if you like.
1:18:25 > 1:18:29Thank you, dear. What a nice girl. I knew she was a nice girl.
1:18:33 > 1:18:36Celia, press the white button on the right.
1:18:39 > 1:18:41- I am doing!- On the right. The white one. Bye-bye!
1:18:41 > 1:18:43Cheerio.
1:18:43 > 1:18:46- I'm going right under you, Celia. - Fantastic.
1:18:50 > 1:18:51I got my foot stuck now. Ow!
1:20:04 > 1:20:07Where are we, Cora?
1:20:07 > 1:20:10- This is Sunset Strip!- No?!
1:20:10 > 1:20:13# Ride the pony
1:20:13 > 1:20:16# Get on your pony and ride
1:20:16 > 1:20:17# Whoo yeah... #
1:20:17 > 1:20:21- Cheerio, gals. I'll see you later. - What are you doing?- I'm Superman.
1:20:21 > 1:20:25- I'm going up.- Be careful! - It's lovely. Come up.
1:20:25 > 1:20:28# ..Hey hey now Hey
1:20:28 > 1:20:30# Keep on riding... #
1:20:30 > 1:20:32Hollywood! We're here!
1:20:32 > 1:20:34Get down! Stop messing about.
1:20:48 > 1:20:51Good afternoon, ladies.
1:20:51 > 1:20:55Thank you, Ashley, I'll handle this. Good afternoon. Welcome to Los Angeles.
1:20:55 > 1:20:58- ALL: Thank you.- It's our first time here.- Is that right?
1:20:58 > 1:21:00Yeah. Clarke.
1:21:00 > 1:21:02- The name's Clarke.- Mrs Clarke.
1:21:02 > 1:21:05Or should I call you Miss February?
1:21:05 > 1:21:11- I saw your picture in the paper this morning.- In an American paper?
1:21:11 > 1:21:14Thank you, ma'am.
1:21:14 > 1:21:18- Now, I'll just talk you through the facilities, OK?- Thanks.
1:21:18 > 1:21:22Now, there are two televisions, one on each end,
1:21:22 > 1:21:26both of which have cable TV, Internet access and movies on demand.
1:21:26 > 1:21:30Now, there's also a full bar here, but if you need anything special,
1:21:30 > 1:21:33don't hesitate to call downstairs and we'll...
1:21:33 > 1:21:36Is everything OK, ma'am?
1:21:36 > 1:21:40No, it's fine. It's just I'm a bit tired. I'd like to go to my room now, really.
1:21:40 > 1:21:42This is the hotel's master suite, ma'am.
1:21:42 > 1:21:45This is your room.
1:21:49 > 1:21:52Come on, I'll show you downstairs. It's beautiful.
1:21:58 > 1:22:01# You got a smile so bright
1:22:01 > 1:22:03# You know you could've been... #
1:22:03 > 1:22:05Have you been in your bathroom?
1:22:05 > 1:22:07Me too! I'm in the bath!
1:22:07 > 1:22:10And the bubbles, they're Christian Dior. The bath bubbles!
1:22:10 > 1:22:14- They're Christian Dior!- Do you think they'll charge us for it?
1:22:14 > 1:22:16I hope not!
1:22:16 > 1:22:21# ..You know You could've been a broom
1:22:21 > 1:22:23# The way you smell so sweet
1:22:24 > 1:22:27# You know you could have been Some perfume
1:22:28 > 1:22:31# Well, you could've been anything
1:22:31 > 1:22:33# That you wanted to
1:22:33 > 1:22:36# And I can tell
1:22:36 > 1:22:40# The way you do the things you do The way you do, oh baby
1:22:40 > 1:22:44# The way you do the way you do As fruity as you are... #
1:22:44 > 1:22:47Oh, yes. Nice.
1:22:47 > 1:22:49Good. And then into the limo.
1:22:49 > 1:22:51Into the limo.
1:22:51 > 1:22:53That's very good. No, it's great.
1:22:53 > 1:22:58- Let me have a shot with you and the girls.- No, no! We gotta go.
1:22:58 > 1:23:01- Give him a kiss. Put your arm round him.- British women are taking me hostage!
1:23:01 > 1:23:06- We're not going to let you go. - I hate that. - EXCITED CHATTER
1:23:06 > 1:23:07Right...
1:23:10 > 1:23:13- What are we doing first, then, eh? - ALL: Chris!
1:23:13 > 1:23:19- Chris. I can't believe it! - You look gorgeous!
1:23:20 > 1:23:22I'm very excited!
1:23:22 > 1:23:29THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
1:23:43 > 1:23:45Looking lovely!
1:23:45 > 1:23:47That's fantastic!
1:23:47 > 1:23:49OK!
1:23:49 > 1:23:53Great, ladies! OK, we got another section coming up.
1:23:54 > 1:23:57- Hey!- Bye-bye.- Hold it, guys.
1:23:57 > 1:23:59Ladies, please!
1:23:59 > 1:24:02We got a whole new section to do here! Come on.
1:24:02 > 1:24:04Come on, ladies!
1:24:18 > 1:24:24It's four pages, Annie. The cover page, and then four pages about how I don't give him sex any more.
1:24:25 > 1:24:29I just had to get away. I mean, the press will be all over it by now.
1:24:29 > 1:24:33So Rod's having to deal with all that on his own, then, is he?
1:24:33 > 1:24:36Well, him and Jem.
1:24:38 > 1:24:44Slightly out of character, don't you think, for Rod, saying all that?
1:24:44 > 1:24:46Did he get tricked into it?
1:24:48 > 1:24:49Did you stay to find out?
1:24:51 > 1:24:53Or by that time, was there a taxi waiting?
1:24:55 > 1:24:59- Are you all right?- Yeah. I'm fine.
1:24:59 > 1:25:02Annie, Chris, this is Frank, Scott and John.
1:25:02 > 1:25:04They're in a band called Anthrax.
1:25:04 > 1:25:09Hello. Heard so much about you. We're really impressed with what you're doing.
1:25:09 > 1:25:14- It's a great story.- We haven't heard anything about you.- I have.- I have!
1:25:14 > 1:25:18Have you had a think about that, then?
1:25:18 > 1:25:19Yes.
1:25:19 > 1:25:22Well, yes. It would be in that ballpark, yes.
1:25:24 > 1:25:28Well, you know what? Let me talk with my associates, and I'll get back to you.
1:25:28 > 1:25:30OK. Bye.
1:25:30 > 1:25:32Thank you. Who was that on the phone?
1:25:32 > 1:25:34- Very exciting.- Who?- Very exciting.
1:25:34 > 1:25:36I'll tell you in make-up.
1:25:36 > 1:25:40We're dead close to a deal. Oh, look, that's him. By the way, is it Lee-no or Leno?
1:25:40 > 1:25:43- We've gotta get it right.- Leno.
1:25:43 > 1:25:45- Are you sure? - No, I think it's Lee-no.
1:25:45 > 1:25:47Leno.
1:25:47 > 1:25:52Not only will they sponsor the calendar in America to the tune of 30,000, but guess who'll be
1:25:52 > 1:25:57- filming in the studio next to the one we shoot the advert in?- What?
1:25:57 > 1:26:03- Guess who's filming in the studio next to the one we're going to shoot the advert in?- Advert?
1:26:03 > 1:26:07Well, they sponsor us, we do their advert for washing powder. Ker-ching! That's how it works.
1:26:07 > 1:26:10George Clooney.
1:26:10 > 1:26:13Can I have it straight like Jennifer Aniston?
1:26:13 > 1:26:15You know, in Friends.
1:26:15 > 1:26:17Why would I dye just part of my head?
1:26:17 > 1:26:19It doesn't make any sense.
1:26:19 > 1:26:22'I do not dye my hair.
1:26:22 > 1:26:23'You may have heard about my first guests.
1:26:23 > 1:26:27'They went from living a quiet, peaceful life in a small British'
1:26:27 > 1:26:30town to becoming nude calendar girls.
1:26:30 > 1:26:33They're here tonight to tell us the story. This is the calendar.
1:26:33 > 1:26:36Please welcome, from Knapely, England, the Calendar Girls.
1:26:36 > 1:26:39Let's bring them out.
1:26:39 > 1:26:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
1:26:41 > 1:26:43Hello, girls. How are you?
1:26:44 > 1:26:47How are you? Good to see you. Everybody's here. Have a seat.
1:26:50 > 1:26:52Just sit anywhere.
1:26:52 > 1:26:55I'm curious. Have you girls been strippers all your lives?
1:26:55 > 1:26:58We're not strippers!
1:26:58 > 1:27:00'Did you get drunk beforehand?
1:27:00 > 1:27:04'It was no big deal, you know. We've all got the same bits.
1:27:04 > 1:27:06The same bits?
1:27:06 > 1:27:10'Yes. They're just different sizes.'
1:27:10 > 1:27:13Can I have some of them rice things?
1:27:13 > 1:27:15- It's called sushi.- I know.
1:27:15 > 1:27:18'It's all suggestive.
1:27:18 > 1:27:20'I could make a few suggestions.
1:27:20 > 1:27:22'Well, ladies, it's fascinating.
1:27:22 > 1:27:29'Good luck with your work. And, please, if you would just try to encourage more women to get naked...
1:27:29 > 1:27:32'Thank you very much, the ladies of Knapely.'
1:27:32 > 1:27:35INDISTINCT CHATTER
1:27:35 > 1:27:39We do have to work some kind of order out when we're asked questions,
1:27:39 > 1:27:43cos far too much of that you couldn't hear because everybody was talking.
1:27:43 > 1:27:45Annie?
1:27:45 > 1:27:46Annie?
1:27:48 > 1:27:51What are you doing?
1:27:51 > 1:27:52You missed it.
1:27:54 > 1:27:57We were just on television, the whole reason we came here.
1:27:57 > 1:28:00I thought that was to get AWAY from the press.
1:28:22 > 1:28:23Hello?
1:28:25 > 1:28:27Hello?
1:28:28 > 1:28:30Is there anyone there?
1:28:35 > 1:28:38Ah, there they are!
1:28:38 > 1:28:40Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
1:28:40 > 1:28:43Welcome, ladies. How are we today?
1:28:43 > 1:28:46- Fine.- Fantastic. Fabulendo.
1:28:46 > 1:28:48My name is Danny. I'm the director.
1:28:48 > 1:28:51And which one of you is Chris?
1:28:52 > 1:28:54You're Chris. Hi.
1:28:56 > 1:28:59Exciting. Yeah, yeah.
1:28:59 > 1:29:01OK, now, just to let you know,
1:29:01 > 1:29:05what I've done is cleared the studio of excess men.
1:29:05 > 1:29:07That's a shame.
1:29:07 > 1:29:11I didn't want you walking around naked in front of a bunch of guys you didn't know.
1:29:11 > 1:29:14Sorry?
1:29:14 > 1:29:18We're doing the washing powder, right, hanging the washing on the line.
1:29:20 > 1:29:22And naked behind.
1:29:22 > 1:29:25I mean, there's not a problem with that, is there?
1:29:25 > 1:29:28It is what you girls do, isn't it?
1:29:31 > 1:29:34- Yeah.- Yes. Great.
1:29:52 > 1:29:54Not now. I'm working.
1:29:54 > 1:29:57Go, go, go.
1:29:57 > 1:30:00Great! Beautiful! I love this!
1:30:02 > 1:30:06Ladies, the time...is now.
1:30:09 > 1:30:10Roxanne, Carol,
1:30:10 > 1:30:14- hi.- Nice to see you. - Nice to see you.
1:30:14 > 1:30:16- What do you think?- It's great.
1:30:18 > 1:30:23- BELL RINGS - Thank you very much. Is the agency happy?- We are.- Thank you.
1:30:25 > 1:30:27Annie!
1:30:27 > 1:30:31We'll be just a moment. Annie!
1:30:35 > 1:30:36Annie?
1:30:36 > 1:30:38Look, Annie, this is for the calendar.
1:30:38 > 1:30:42We just do this, we get the calendar out in America...
1:30:44 > 1:30:46Look, are you gonna talk to me?
1:30:46 > 1:30:50- I need a shower.- What? - Was it down here?
1:30:50 > 1:30:51I feel dirty.
1:30:51 > 1:30:55- Your washing powder made me feel dirty.- MY washing powder?
1:30:55 > 1:30:57Down here.
1:30:58 > 1:31:01I get it. I see.
1:31:01 > 1:31:03This is cos I've organised it, right?
1:31:03 > 1:31:07Because I've made a success of getting us a sponsor
1:31:07 > 1:31:09and taken this out of being...
1:31:09 > 1:31:12We're not just raising money for a relatives' room any more, are we?
1:31:12 > 1:31:15- Damn you!- We're taking on the bloody disease.- Red light's on, Chris!
1:31:15 > 1:31:18You can't stand it, can you?
1:31:18 > 1:31:21You cannot stand that I've made this calendar a success.
1:31:21 > 1:31:26No, see, Chris, what's happened is this calendar's made YOU a success.
1:31:29 > 1:31:31What's that supposed to mean?
1:31:31 > 1:31:35- Where are we?- Annie, what is that supposed to mean?
1:31:35 > 1:31:37Don't ask me what it means, Chris!
1:31:37 > 1:31:42When you're standing in the middle of a cardboard street talking about meeting George Clooney.
1:31:42 > 1:31:44What's with all these letters, then, eh, Annie?
1:31:44 > 1:31:48All this bloody Florence Nightingale, this agony aunt?
1:31:48 > 1:31:50Doesn't that smack just a little bit of being a star?
1:31:50 > 1:31:57You know, loads of people lose their partners to this disease. They don't all get fan mail.
1:31:57 > 1:32:01Doesn't that make you a little bit of a success, a very successful bereaved woman?
1:32:01 > 1:32:03A celebrity widow?
1:32:03 > 1:32:05St Annie of Knapely?
1:32:05 > 1:32:07Eh?!
1:32:07 > 1:32:11- Eh?!- I'm not a saint,
1:32:11 > 1:32:17because I'd rob every penny from this calendar if it would buy me just one more hour with him.
1:32:19 > 1:32:21You've still got yours,
1:32:21 > 1:32:23and you're in Hollywood!
1:33:43 > 1:33:45Oh, Lord!
1:33:45 > 1:33:47It's Thursday. Come on.
1:33:47 > 1:33:50We've gotta get in there.
1:33:50 > 1:33:51Are you coming?
1:34:07 > 1:34:09Hello, love.
1:34:12 > 1:34:16# Build it here
1:34:16 > 1:34:21# Among the dark satanic mills...
1:34:21 > 1:34:27# Give me my bow of burnished gold... #
1:34:46 > 1:34:49How's Jem?
1:34:49 > 1:34:51He made a quiche on Tuesday.
1:34:51 > 1:34:52We've been stoned ever since.
1:34:57 > 1:34:59Don't worry, Chris. He'll be all right.
1:35:04 > 1:35:07Look, Rod...
1:35:07 > 1:35:09- I'm sorry. - You don't have to apologise.
1:35:09 > 1:35:13I do have to apologise. Everything you said in the paper was true, wasn't it?
1:35:15 > 1:35:18- I didn't know he was a journalist. - This isn't the point.
1:35:19 > 1:35:21I mean, you still said it.
1:35:21 > 1:35:23Just why didn't you say it to me?
1:35:23 > 1:35:27Why didn't you just, I don't know, shout out, "What the bloody hell do you think..."
1:35:27 > 1:35:29I know you'd have liked me to.
1:35:29 > 1:35:35It'd suit your Hollywood story a bit more if I'd been "No bloody wife of mine!" But I've not because...
1:35:35 > 1:35:38I actually think it's brilliant what you've done.
1:35:40 > 1:35:45That's why I've stood behind you, and I've told your son to get over it and be proud,
1:35:45 > 1:35:48because I actually wanted you to have all this.
1:35:52 > 1:35:54(Thank you.)
1:35:55 > 1:36:00Now, do me a bloody favour, get back in that hall and sort out whatever's gone wrong with Annie.
1:36:02 > 1:36:05I don't know what to say to her.
1:36:05 > 1:36:06She's your oldest friend, Chris.
1:36:06 > 1:36:09You don't have to say anything.
1:36:13 > 1:36:16EXCITED CHATTER
1:36:16 > 1:36:18Sorry. Ladies, ladies!
1:36:18 > 1:36:20Would you, um... Ladies, please.
1:36:20 > 1:36:24Since we've stopped, as it happens,
1:36:24 > 1:36:29today we've finally been sent the first figures for the sales of our calendar.
1:36:29 > 1:36:31Come on. Where is it?
1:36:31 > 1:36:33Right, thank you.
1:36:33 > 1:36:36It says here, in this letter from...
1:36:36 > 1:36:39Leukaemia Research Fund,
1:36:39 > 1:36:42that we've so far raised...
1:36:42 > 1:36:47£286,000.
1:36:47 > 1:36:49WOMEN GASP
1:36:49 > 1:36:54So a big round of applause to all of us for making it such a success.
1:36:54 > 1:36:57We can get that sofa in the leather, then.
1:37:00 > 1:37:03PIANO PLAYS: "Jerusalem"
1:37:10 > 1:37:16# And did those feet In ancient times
1:37:16 > 1:37:18# Walk upon England's... #
1:37:18 > 1:37:20I've put our names down for next month's speakers.
1:37:22 > 1:37:26"Chris and Annie - What We Learned In Hollywood."
1:37:26 > 1:37:28You're lying. I know for a fact,
1:37:28 > 1:37:34- Colin Petley's coming from Keighley with his collection of tea towels. - Be still, my beating heart(!)
1:37:34 > 1:37:37THEY CHUCKLE
1:38:37 > 1:38:39Anyone fancy some chips?
1:38:39 > 1:38:41- Oh, yes!- Good idea!
1:38:41 > 1:38:43I'm starving!
1:40:24 > 1:40:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd