0:01:41 > 0:01:46Thanks for a smashing weekend. Wonderful company, lovely food
0:01:46 > 0:01:51and your wife makes love magnificently!
0:01:53 > 0:01:58- Excuse me, sir, but did I hear you correctly?- What's that, old chap?
0:01:58 > 0:02:06- You were a guest of that gentleman and you tell him that his wife makes love magnificently?- That's right.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Do you think that's quite correct?
0:02:10 > 0:02:16Well, no, not exactly. But I wouldn't like to offend him!
0:02:18 > 0:02:23I say, that was rather thoughtful of you.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50CONDUCTOR WHISTLES
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Fare?- Oh, very fair, I'd say.
0:02:55 > 0:03:01- Come on, I ain't got all day. - Oh, em, Guildhall, please.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Any more fares, please?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Fares, please.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Going all the way?
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Go down front, sir. You'll see better.
0:04:12 > 0:04:19- You were with that Esme Crowfoot woman all evening! - I only popped in for a bit.
0:04:19 > 0:04:26- Half an hour. That's not long. - It's long enough for you. Why did you go to her flat, anyway?
0:04:26 > 0:04:31- I have to vet our clients. - Vet!? Is that the new word for it?
0:04:31 > 0:04:36I can't fix them up unless I know what they do and how...they live.
0:04:36 > 0:04:44- Like the tobacconist's widow? You vetted her at least 50 times! - I only go in for my shag!
0:04:44 > 0:04:51It's MY job to find out what the female clients do. YOU should look after the men!
0:04:51 > 0:04:59- I know what THEY do!- What would you say if I vetted the male clients? - I'd say God help 'em!
0:04:59 > 0:05:03You rotten beast! I've had enough!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Stop it! Get off!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I've had enough of you!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13You've gone raving mad!
0:05:13 > 0:05:17BELL PLAYS WEDDING MARCH
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Come in!
0:05:23 > 0:05:31- Oh, I beg your pardon.- That's OK. We're not ashamed of being in love. - No, dear.- How can we help?
0:05:31 > 0:05:39- Well, I was looking for a wife. - You couldn't come to a better place, could he, my little baby?
0:05:39 > 0:05:47- No, indeed. Well, I shall have to leave you for a while, darling. - Business before pleasure, my dove.
0:05:47 > 0:05:54- Excuse us. Eh, sugar puff? - I'll count the moments till I can get at you again.
0:05:59 > 0:06:05- Amazing! Ten years we've been married.- I'd like a wife like that.
0:06:05 > 0:06:12We'll find you something better... something more suited to you. Sit down, Mr...
0:06:12 > 0:06:18- Muffit. Bertram Muffit. - Muffit. We'll find you a crumpet to go with that!
0:06:18 > 0:06:23- Pardon?- Never mind. Now then, Mr Muffin...- Muffit.
0:06:23 > 0:06:30- Our charges are two guineas registration and two when you click. - Click?
0:06:30 > 0:06:36- Get married. If you click without getting married, four guineas.- OK.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- Bertram Muffin... - Muffit.
0:06:40 > 0:06:46- We'll just get a few details. Age? - Oh...seventeen, I think.
0:06:46 > 0:06:53- Seventeen?- I thought the younger she was, the longer she'd last. - No, I want YOUR age.
0:06:53 > 0:06:59- Oh, twenty-seven.- What are you interested in?- Same as most chaps.
0:06:59 > 0:07:05- And that is?- I don't know. I've never done it.- Try it. it's lovely.
0:07:05 > 0:07:12- If I know what you like, I can find a girl who likes it, too.- Yes, I'd like a girl who likes it, too.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17- Hobbies?- My main one is making model aeroplanes.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- Planes?- Yes. From milk bottle tops. - Milk bottle tops?
0:07:22 > 0:07:30- They're not flying models.- No? Any other hobbies?- I rather like collecting book-matches.
0:07:30 > 0:07:38- I'm sure we'll find a girl who likes to collect the odd packet. - Oh, good.
0:07:38 > 0:07:43- Well, that's the lot. - Wonderful. What happens now?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Come with me.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07Now, then, all we do is feed the information in here
0:08:07 > 0:08:11and a lady suitable to you comes out there.
0:08:15 > 0:08:22- She must be very small! - No, no. Just the lady's particulars, not the lady herself.
0:08:22 > 0:08:30This is a fantastic piece of machinery. It cost a bomb. A miracle of modern technology.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47Bottle tops and book-matches - what a catch(!)
0:08:49 > 0:08:55Ah! Oh, yes, I think this is the ideal one, Mr Bliss.
0:08:58 > 0:09:05- Here we are, then.- That was quick. - That's the beauty of it, Mr Muffin. - Muffit.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10It finds the right girl in minutes. Shall we see who the lucky lady is?
0:09:13 > 0:09:19There's been a technical error. This one is out of circulation.
0:09:23 > 0:09:31- What's the idea? Why her?- Why not? She's a client.- She's no good! - YOU seem to find her satisfactory.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Let's have another one.
0:09:34 > 0:09:41You forget, Sidney, dear. I didn't choose her. It was that miracle of modern technology.
0:09:41 > 0:09:47- Or perhaps you'd like me to explain how it works...- No, no!
0:09:47 > 0:09:53- We don't need you...darling.- I want the gentleman fixed up properly.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58- That's a pity.- Has your computer gone wrong?- No, it was too accurate.
0:09:58 > 0:10:06- Her hobby is not compatible with yours.- How?- She makes Christmas decorations from milk bottle tops.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- That could lead to fights. - I'm sure we wouldn't.
0:10:10 > 0:10:17- I'm telling you. - Oh, nonsense, sweetheart. I think it's a lovely idea.
0:10:17 > 0:10:24Can't you see them sitting by the fire doing things with their tops?
0:10:24 > 0:10:32- I'm ready if she is, Mr Bliss. - She's ready all right. To have a go. - Don't be a spoilsport, Sidney.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37- Her number's on the card. - I'll do it...darling.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44That's it. Hold it.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48PHONE RINGS Excuse me one moment.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55- Esme Crowfoot speaking. - This is Mr Bliss.
0:10:55 > 0:11:04- You've got a nerve after the way you behaved last night! - Yes, I'm very sorry to bother you.
0:11:04 > 0:11:10- We have a young gentleman who is very keen to meet you.- No, thanks.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13(She's all excited about it.)
0:11:13 > 0:11:20I don't know what you expect me to do, but it'll take more than a few tired daffodils!
0:11:20 > 0:11:28That's very nice of you to say so. We try to give satisfaction. How about this evening?
0:11:28 > 0:11:35- That's fine with Mr Muffin.- Muffit. - How about the Parkway cocktail bar at 7.30?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Lovely, fine. You're very welcome.
0:11:39 > 0:11:46Well, that's that, then. Two guineas registration fee, two for the introduction.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51- I'll give you one of our introductory cards.- Thank you.
0:11:51 > 0:11:58- And our little booklet of tips. A sort of Do It Yourselves! - Pardon?- Never mind.
0:11:58 > 0:12:05- Thank you. - That's very nice of you. "The Wit To Woo" by Sidney Bliss.
0:12:05 > 0:12:14- That's all, then. The very best of luck, Mr Muffit.- Muffin. Em... - Was there something else?
0:12:14 > 0:12:22- My change. I gave you £5.- 2 guineas registration, 2 for an introduction, and 16 bob for the booklet.
0:12:22 > 0:12:29- Oh...yes. Oh, thank you. - Not at all. Parkway cocktail bar, 7.30. Ta-ra!
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Sophie! Sophie, cut it out!
0:12:47 > 0:12:53Henry, do you think we should try Mr Snooper's advice?
0:12:53 > 0:12:58If you want, but I don't think a pair of steps is the answer.
0:12:59 > 0:13:05If I'm to help your problems, I must insist on absolute candour.
0:13:05 > 0:13:11Do not be afraid to use natural words for natural functions.
0:13:11 > 0:13:19You won't easily shock me, so let's have the dirty linen out and give it a jolly good washing.
0:13:19 > 0:13:27- Who's going to be first? - Well, I suppose the trouble is we just can't get on.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Get on what? A horse? A bus?
0:13:31 > 0:13:37Oh, no. You know. We just seem to have rows all the time.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Ah, rows. About what, precisely?
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Everything. Like that fireside chair I got him.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49It was made for a bloody midget! I couldn't get half my arse on it!
0:13:49 > 0:13:55That's hardly the cause for a row. Learn to turn the other cheek.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59In a manner of speaking!
0:13:59 > 0:14:03I didn't come here for a laugh, mate!
0:14:03 > 0:14:09There's usually a deep, underlying cause of stress in these cases.
0:14:09 > 0:14:15Of course there is. Our problem is about our sex.
0:14:15 > 0:14:21Well, at least you're one of each. Some people are far worse off.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- You trying to be funny?- No!
0:14:24 > 0:14:33You don't seem to get the point. The trouble with my wife is... she won't have...relations.
0:14:33 > 0:14:40Oh, I think that's hardly fair. It's perfectly normal to entertain members of the family.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44No. She won't have...
0:14:44 > 0:14:47intercourse.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49What!? You must chat sometimes!
0:14:49 > 0:14:57He's saying we never have it! Intimacy never takes place between us.
0:14:57 > 0:15:04Ah, I see! You should have mentioned that in the first place. That's the root of the problem!
0:15:04 > 0:15:10Of course, everyone should lead a well-balanced sex life.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15That's the trouble. He's five stones heavier than me!
0:15:15 > 0:15:22Mmm, yes, ooh, I see. I understand the position you've been put on. Put in!
0:15:22 > 0:15:29- What's he talking about? - Don't you see you're a dead weight? - You're a bloody dead loss!
0:15:29 > 0:15:36- Here I am, trying to help you... - You couldn't help a dog find a bloody lamp-post!
0:15:36 > 0:15:44How dare you!? You use words like "relations" and "intercourse" with no idea what they mean!
0:15:44 > 0:15:53- You're round the bleedin' twist! - That's it! Get out of my office! - We're getting out, don't worry.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59Mr Snooper, I must ask you to keep your voice down!
0:15:59 > 0:16:06- I'm trying to give some good advice. - You couldn't advise a constipated cow to take a laxative!
0:16:06 > 0:16:13Sir, if you and your wife would care to wait outside, I'll see you in a moment.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18- Snooper, these incidents happen far too often.- I'm very sorry, sir.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23I should never have employed a bachelor to advise married couples.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28- My father and mother were a married couple.- I'm delighted to hear it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:36- But unless you get married, we will have to dispense with your services. - But I'm a confirmed bachelor.
0:16:36 > 0:16:44- I don't know any women.- Find one! Go to a matrimonial agency. But do it - soon!
0:16:45 > 0:16:50Married(!) It'll disrupt my entire life.
0:16:50 > 0:16:58- That's all right. Now, then, did you say you'd been married before? - That's right. Twice.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- Your wives are dead?- That's right.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I see.
0:17:04 > 0:17:09- First wife died from eating mushrooms.- Oh, sorry to hear that.
0:17:09 > 0:17:15So was she. The second wife died from a fractured skull.
0:17:15 > 0:17:21- How did that happen? - She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
0:17:21 > 0:17:29- Wouldn't... Thanks, Dr Crippen(!) Don't call us, we'll call you. - Thank you.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02You must be joking!
0:18:11 > 0:18:20- Good afternoon. The Wedded Bliss Agency sent me.- Mr Philpott? - Yes. To meet Miss Jenny Grubb.
0:18:20 > 0:18:29- Jenny is my daughter. - Thank goodness...it's the right place.- That remains to be seen.
0:18:29 > 0:18:38- Jenny is in here, Mr Philpott, having tea. You haven't had it, have you?- No, we've never met.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Tea!- No, sorry, I haven't.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Afternoon.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Nice day.
0:18:54 > 0:19:01- This is Mr Philpott, who wishes to marry Jenny.- Steady on. Give us a chance to get to know each other.
0:19:01 > 0:19:09- See how we hit it off. - Mr Philpott, there will be no hitting it off before marriage.
0:19:09 > 0:19:17- I only went to the agency for a bit of fun.- Fun? I fear you've come to the wrong place.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Yes, I can see that.
0:19:20 > 0:19:27- Well, you may as well meet Jenny. - Thanks. Nice to have met you all. - She's HERE.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30This is Jenny.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37- How do you do, Jenny? - No physical contact yet, please!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Jenny, get Mr Philpott some tea.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Oh, I'm sorry. I beg your pardon.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Thank you.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Well, this is jolly nice.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11- (Sugar?)- What?- Sugar? - Oh, yes. Thank you.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17I'm sorry. Oh, I beg your pardon. It slipped.
0:20:18 > 0:20:25- Mr Philpott?- Yes.- Would you mind resuming your seat before you wreck the house?- Yes, I'm so sorry.
0:20:26 > 0:20:34- I seem to have... done one of your saucers in. - No matter. Only Crown Derby.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39- That's OK. - Jenny, get Mr Philpott more tea.
0:20:39 > 0:20:47- You must think I'm awfully clumsy. - Yes, but we'll overlook that and get down to practical matters.
0:20:47 > 0:20:56- Regarding the period of courtship... - Yes.- You can see Jenny once a week in the company of a family member.
0:20:56 > 0:21:04- I couldn't see her alone? - That wouldn't be at all wise. Jenny has no experience of men.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Really? - I have done it.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13- Beg pardon?- Put it in.- Oh! - The sugar.- Ah!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16What is your financial status?
0:21:18 > 0:21:25- Excuse me. I have a private income of about £3,000 a year. - Is that all?- It's enough!
0:21:25 > 0:21:35Not to run a house of this size. There's the family to provide for. We live well, but not extravagantly.
0:21:35 > 0:21:42Just a minute! If I was mug enough to marry her, I wouldn't live here with this lot!
0:21:42 > 0:21:48We have always been and intend to remain one big, happy family.
0:21:48 > 0:21:56It wouldn't work out, not with the way I like to live - all-night parties, pot smoking.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Goodbye, and thank you for the tea.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I'm so sorry.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Bye.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I like him.
0:22:20 > 0:22:26Wedded Bliss Agency. Mr Philpott. How was the introduction?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29FURIOUS RANTING
0:22:29 > 0:22:33I'm sorry. I can't vet them all personally.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38I never saw Miss Grubb. Her mother did what?
0:22:38 > 0:22:43Yes, and I sympathise. Hang on a minute, will you?
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Maybe I can put you on to something a little more amenable.
0:22:49 > 0:22:56We have Miss Adams here. An absolute cracker for you. And she can cook, too.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01The phone number is 663 404 271. Right?
0:23:01 > 0:23:06- We aim to see that all our clients get satisfaction. - BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:23:06 > 0:23:08And you.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15Esme Crowfoot. You've got to do something about that, Sidney.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Sophie, darling, I've been thinking.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28- Well?- About Mr Muffin meeting Miss Crowfoot. It's all wrong.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33- What are you up to?- Nothing. I phoned her up and cancelled it.
0:23:33 > 0:23:40- What happens when he goes to meet her?- That's a nuisance. I'll have to go and explain.
0:23:40 > 0:23:48- Oh, that's a good idea(!) I'll come too.- You can't. We've got that Snooper fellow coming at eight.
0:23:48 > 0:23:54Then I'll explain to Mr Muffit and you can see Mr Snooper.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59That wouldn't be fair. It's up to me to get him out of this mess.
0:23:59 > 0:24:05- Well, I'll be seeing you. - When? Sidney Bliss!
0:24:07 > 0:24:11I'll fix you, Sidney Bliss.
0:24:21 > 0:24:28Oh, hello! Of course I remember you! We last met at that wedding where I guarded the presents.
0:24:28 > 0:24:35Yes, it was a pity about that. No, they never did find the bride. Such a nice girl, too.
0:24:35 > 0:24:43I rang you because I want someone followed. MISTER Bliss, actually. My husband, yes, that's right.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Oh, well, if you'll describe him for me.
0:24:47 > 0:24:55Rotten...cheating...lying ba... No! No, Mrs Bliss, a physical description if you please.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Yes...yes...
0:24:57 > 0:25:02The general appearance of an ancient and dissipated walnut.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07And he'll be at the Parkway Hotel cocktail bar at 7.30 this evening.
0:25:07 > 0:25:13Right. You leave it to me, Mrs Bliss. Check. Roger, over and out.
0:25:23 > 0:25:31No filming tonight, Sally? No, I'm meeting a photographer. More pin-ups, eh?
0:25:31 > 0:25:40"Sally Martin, unknown star of stage, screen and television, with everything but her clothes(!)"
0:26:06 > 0:26:12"Meeting you is the most exciting moment of my life, straight up."
0:26:20 > 0:26:28- CLEARS THROAT - Excuse me, but I'm from the Agency. - Oh, yes. Hello.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Hello.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35- Well?- Muffit. Bertram Muffit.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Oh. How do you do, Mr Muffit?
0:26:38 > 0:26:45Fine, thank you. It's the most exciting moment of my life meeting you straight up!
0:26:45 > 0:26:51Really? Oh, well, it's nice to meet someone who knows who I am.
0:26:51 > 0:26:56- They told me at the Agency. - Don't go and spoil it.
0:26:56 > 0:27:02- Would you do me a pleasure?- What!? - Of having a meal somewhere?
0:27:02 > 0:27:08- It's really very sweet of you, but it's not really necessary. - Isn't it?
0:27:08 > 0:27:16Look, I don't have a lot of time, so let's go back to my place and get down to it, eh?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Some blokes have all the luck!
0:27:27 > 0:27:34- Was a fella in here looking for a woman?- We never get any others!
0:27:34 > 0:27:39- Bertram Muffit?- Yeah.- He's just left with Miss Martin. Sally Martin.
0:27:42 > 0:27:50- Oh.- She's taken him to her place to get down to it.- Pardon? - That's what she said.- Did she?
0:27:54 > 0:28:01Well, this is it. I share with another girl, but don't worry, she's working this evening.
0:28:01 > 0:28:07- It's very nice indeed.- It's better than Regent's Park.- Regent's Park?
0:28:07 > 0:28:12- That's where I did it last time. On the bridge over the canal.- Really?
0:28:12 > 0:28:18- It was awful. And people kept stopping to watch.- I'm not surprised.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22I suppose so. Still, it's annoying.
0:28:22 > 0:28:29Now, that's my bedroom and through there is the kitchen and bathroom. You'll want to go in there.
0:28:29 > 0:28:35- No, thanks.- Please yourself. Most blokes seem to want one in the bath.
0:28:35 > 0:28:42- Certainly not!- I've got this big sponge, you see, and a loofah. I'm sure you could do something with it.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47- No, thank you.- OK. Where would you like to start?
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Really, I'm quite happy in here.
0:28:50 > 0:28:58- Fine. You get ready and I'll get out of these clothes. - Don't! There's no hurry, is there?
0:28:58 > 0:29:05- I haven't got all night. - I don't want all night. I mean... You're lovely as you are.- In this?
0:29:05 > 0:29:12- Really, I like it. - It's very sweet of you to say so, but let's be sensible about this.
0:29:12 > 0:29:20I'm not crazy about stripping off, but it's what people want these days. If they want it, let them have it.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03TOOT
0:31:03 > 0:31:06What do you think you're doing?
0:31:07 > 0:31:14What are you playing about at? Everything's all right, Officer. I was looking for a man.
0:31:14 > 0:31:20You better come with me. You don't understand...
0:31:33 > 0:31:40Any shorter and they'll have two more cheeks to powder! Jacksie! Er, taxi!
0:31:43 > 0:31:47- Rogerham Mansions. - Watch your language, mate!
0:31:47 > 0:31:53You deaf old twit! Go to that address as quick as you can.
0:31:55 > 0:32:00Come back, you fool! 'Ere! Taxi!
0:32:02 > 0:32:05Follow that cab.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13OK, I'm ready.
0:32:14 > 0:32:22- Don't look so worried. I'll take this off. Do you like it? It's Orloff.- More like all-off!
0:32:22 > 0:32:27- Where do you want me? - Well, I really don't mind.
0:32:27 > 0:32:32- You're the expert. How about on the bed?- No!
0:32:32 > 0:32:39- Well, where? - Couldn't we just sit and talk? - Sit and talk? What about?
0:32:39 > 0:32:48- Anything. I didn't expect things to happen so quickly.- Just a minute. Is this your first time?
0:32:48 > 0:32:53- Yes.- Oh, no! Don't say they've sent me a learner.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56I know what to do. I've read books.
0:32:56 > 0:33:03Well, I suppose everybody's got to start some time. So let's give it a try, eh?
0:33:05 > 0:33:11- I bought this outfit this morning. I hope it shows enough.- Yes, plenty.
0:33:11 > 0:33:18Well, if it doesn't, just yell out. Now, how about lying on the rug to start with?
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Throw me a cushion, can you?
0:33:28 > 0:33:32- How's that?- Wonderful.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Well, come on. Where is it?
0:33:35 > 0:33:40- Where's what?- Your camera. - Oh, but I haven't got one.
0:33:40 > 0:33:46- What's that in your case? - That's my model aeroplanes.
0:33:46 > 0:33:50- What!? - I thought you'd like to see them.
0:33:50 > 0:33:58- Why would I?- They told me at the Agency that you make Christmas decorations from milk bottle tops.
0:33:58 > 0:34:03- Christmas decorations out of milk bottle tops(?)- It must be fun.
0:34:03 > 0:34:11Oh, yes, it's really great fun(!) You really must try it. Who at the Agency told you all this?
0:34:11 > 0:34:14The chap who runs it. Mr Bliss.
0:34:14 > 0:34:22- "The Wedded Bliss Agency. This is to introduce Mr Bertram Muffin." - It should be Muffit.
0:34:22 > 0:34:30- You're not a photographer? - I'm an undertaker's assistant. - An under...? I'm sorry, Mr Muffin.
0:34:30 > 0:34:36- Muffit.- You've met the wrong person. - You ARE Miss Crowfoot?- No!
0:34:36 > 0:34:44I was going to meet a man from the photo agency and I thought it was you.
0:34:44 > 0:34:51Oh, I'm terribly sorry. When I saw you, I thought... What an idiot! Excuse me.
0:34:54 > 0:34:59- You don't have to go. - Terribly sorry!- Wait!
0:35:36 > 0:35:39All right?
0:35:50 > 0:35:56That's it. You can't go any further. Not without getting arrested!
0:36:42 > 0:36:47- I said I never wanted to see you again!- Help me!
0:36:47 > 0:36:52- What's happened? You're all wet! - I didn't know who else to turn to.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55What have you been doing? Come in.
0:36:55 > 0:37:00- Thank you...- You're soaking! What have you been doing?
0:37:00 > 0:37:05- I just couldn't face going through life without you...- What?
0:37:05 > 0:37:11- I tried to drown myself. - Where? What in?- The canal.
0:37:11 > 0:37:16- What canal?- What does it matter? They all have water, haven't they?
0:37:16 > 0:37:22- That was silly. They're filthy! - Who cares when you're gonna drown?
0:37:22 > 0:37:26- Why didn't you?- I forgot I can swim.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29Come on. Get those wet things off.
0:37:29 > 0:37:35No-one's ever tried to do away with themselves because of me before.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39- I'm flattered.- You should be. This suit cost me £30!
0:37:39 > 0:37:46- I didn't really mean what I said. - I just want to worship at your feet.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49I've got better bits.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Have you wet your trousers?
0:37:52 > 0:37:58Eh? Oh, yes. Well, I went in feet-first. And my shirt.
0:37:58 > 0:38:03- Then we better have it off.- You took the thought right out of my mind!
0:38:16 > 0:38:20DOORBELL CHIMES
0:38:26 > 0:38:33- Mr Snooper?- That is correct. - Come in. I'm sorry Mr Bliss can't be here. I'm Mrs Bliss. Do sit down.
0:38:33 > 0:38:41- Thanks.- You don't mind discussing your problems with a woman? - Not at all. My mother was a woman.
0:38:41 > 0:38:48- Really?- I'm late because I waited until everyone was gone and the streets were clear.
0:38:48 > 0:38:56- I wouldn't like to be seen coming here.- You don't have to be embarrassed about coming here.
0:38:56 > 0:39:01The mating instinct is in all of us. Everybody's doing it.
0:39:01 > 0:39:06- And I spend half my time listening to how!- I beg your pardon?
0:39:06 > 0:39:10I am a marriage guidance counsellor.
0:39:10 > 0:39:16And my superior feels it would be advantageous if I were married.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Oh, I understand.
0:39:19 > 0:39:28But I find it hard to believe that anyone as cultured and distinguished-looking as yourself
0:39:28 > 0:39:33- would have any difficulty finding a wife.- That is very true.
0:39:33 > 0:39:40I never needed one. My housekeeper caters for my every need.
0:39:40 > 0:39:46About the house. Cooking, cleaning, and she does all the scrubbing.
0:39:46 > 0:39:52So what you really want is a wife who can satisfy your superior.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55No! He has his own wife.
0:39:55 > 0:40:01Yes, of course. I'm sure we'll find someone suitable for you.
0:40:01 > 0:40:08- A woman with charm and intelligence, who can grace your table and run your house efficiently.- Yes.
0:40:08 > 0:40:13And bring me a cup of tea in bed. I always fancy it in the morning.
0:40:13 > 0:40:20- Really? - Oh, yes. Gets the system going. I am a man of regular habits.
0:40:20 > 0:40:29Once a week I dine at my club, once a week I play squash and so on. Everything in moderation.
0:40:29 > 0:40:35- I think once a week is enough for anything, don't you?- Precisely.
0:40:35 > 0:40:43I'm sure we'll find someone suitable. And being a virile man, you'd like to have a child.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47No, a fully-grown woman, I think!
0:40:55 > 0:41:00Excuse me. I'd like to use the phone, if I may.
0:41:02 > 0:41:07I'm awfully sorry to disturb you, but this is important.
0:41:12 > 0:41:19Oh, I'm awfully sorry to trouble you, but would you have a sixpence for two threepenny bits?
0:41:19 > 0:41:22By any chance?
0:41:26 > 0:41:31Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
0:41:31 > 0:41:38Here's your receipt, Mr Snooper. We'll be in touch very soon regarding an introduction.
0:41:38 > 0:41:45- Thank you. You look rather tired. - It's a long day and Mr Bliss and I are always at it.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48As long as it's not overwork.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51PHONE RINGS
0:41:55 > 0:42:00Wedded Bliss Agency. Ah, Mr Muffit.
0:42:00 > 0:42:05Mrs Bliss, there seems to have been a mix-up. I met the wrong girl.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07Yes.
0:42:07 > 0:42:14No, I got the right place and time, but this girl thought I was someone else and I thought it was her.
0:42:14 > 0:42:20We didn't find out until she'd got most of her clothes off.
0:42:20 > 0:42:26I don't understand. Didn't Mr Bliss meet you at the bar? No?
0:42:26 > 0:42:29Are you sure?
0:42:29 > 0:42:36I see. Oh, yes, I think I know what he's doing, Mr Muffit.
0:42:36 > 0:42:41You still want to meet Miss Crowfoot? Good.
0:42:41 > 0:42:47Why don't you go to her flat? Yes, I'll give you the address.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50Rogerham Mansions? Yes.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53Dunham Road. Right.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56Thank you, Mrs Bliss. Goodbye.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Esme! Esme!
0:43:16 > 0:43:26- Feeling better?- No. I might if I didn't have to look at that thing. - He's gorgeous. That's Gripper.
0:43:26 > 0:43:30- Griper(!) - Gripper Burke. He's a wrestler.
0:43:30 > 0:43:36- I thought he was a ballet dancer! - He used to have quite a hold on me.
0:43:36 > 0:43:43- Probably the Indian Death Lock! - He went off to America. - Like me - all out for a submission.
0:43:43 > 0:43:49- Don't start that nonsense again! - It's what makes the world go round.
0:43:49 > 0:43:55- I've done my share. I'll let someone else have a go.- Me! Come here. - Don't!
0:43:57 > 0:44:02- Sidney, not in your condition. - I couldn't be in a better condition.
0:44:02 > 0:44:07- No, Sidney. - Come on. I really fancy you.
0:44:09 > 0:44:13- No!- Blimey! Why not?
0:44:13 > 0:44:18- Because I am keeping myself. - I don't wanna keep you.
0:44:18 > 0:44:21- For the man I marry!- It's a mistake.
0:44:21 > 0:44:28- Why?- It's like a car, innit? - What is?- When you want to use it, it's all rusted up.
0:44:28 > 0:44:32Unless it has a regular service.
0:44:32 > 0:44:37It's not that I don't want to... DOORBELL RINGS
0:44:37 > 0:44:44- Don't answer it.- It may be business. - What do you think this is? - I'll get rid of them.
0:44:45 > 0:44:48BELL RINGS AGAIN
0:44:52 > 0:44:54- Pussycat!- Gripper!
0:44:58 > 0:45:01Wh-wh-when did you get back?
0:45:01 > 0:45:06Just now. I had enough of it over there. I missed you too much.
0:45:06 > 0:45:11- Put me down! You're hurting me! - Eh?- Aaah! Ooh!
0:45:16 > 0:45:23Nobody can say I don't fight fair. Esme, darling, I can't wait to get started with you again.
0:45:23 > 0:45:31- Not tonight, Gripper, please.- What? You haven't found somebody else? - No, of course not. No.
0:45:31 > 0:45:35- Seconds out, second round. Doing! - No! No!
0:45:35 > 0:45:39- Hah! Hah!- No, Gripper, please!
0:45:43 > 0:45:48- No! No, Gripper!- Gotcha! My favourite hold, remember?
0:45:48 > 0:45:53- It used to turn you to jelly! - I don't feel like turning to jelly.
0:45:53 > 0:45:58- We've got all night. - I'm awfully tired.- All right, then.
0:45:58 > 0:46:04There. That's better. Let me tell you about my last fight.
0:46:04 > 0:46:07Man Mountain Dawson, they call him.
0:46:07 > 0:46:14Man Mountain(!) More like Ant Heap! He couldn't wrestle with his conscience!
0:46:14 > 0:46:22Anyway, in the first round, he came out roaring and bellowing like some animal.
0:46:22 > 0:46:27- It sounds fascinating. Go on. - Those are men's clothes!
0:46:30 > 0:46:37- You've got a bloke here!- No! - Where is he? I'll kill him! I'll tear him apart!
0:46:41 > 0:46:44I told you there was no-one here.
0:46:51 > 0:47:00- You think I'm daft?- Yes.- Eh?- No! - What were those clothes doing here? - I was drying them off for someone.
0:47:00 > 0:47:05Well, he'd better not come back or he'll find me waiting for him!
0:47:05 > 0:47:08CLAP OF THUNDER
0:47:08 > 0:47:11Oh, no!
0:47:13 > 0:47:19- I haven't seen any other men since you went away.- Honest?- Yes.
0:47:20 > 0:47:23DOORBELL RINGS
0:47:26 > 0:47:34- Is this Miss Crowfoot's flat?- Yeah. What about it?- They said if I came here it would be all right.
0:47:34 > 0:47:40- They did, did they?- Mr Bliss said she'd be just what I'm looking for.
0:47:40 > 0:47:43Oh, well, you'd better come in.
0:47:43 > 0:47:49- Hello. I'm from the Agency. - I don't know what you're on about.
0:47:51 > 0:47:56- You're from the Agency?- Yes. Muffit's the name. Bertram Muffit.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06- What are you doing?- I'll kill him!
0:48:17 > 0:48:20- AAAAAH!- Goodnight, Esme!
0:48:22 > 0:48:30Hello. Is that the Wedded Bliss Agency? Good. I was trying to trace a Mr Bertram Muffit.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33He's a client of yours. Yes.
0:48:33 > 0:48:38What? What's he doing in a hospital? What!?
0:48:38 > 0:48:44I love you, but not for this particular job.
0:48:44 > 0:48:48Why not? No bristols! Adrian!
0:48:48 > 0:48:54What do you mean? Sally, am I flat-chested? Am I?
0:48:54 > 0:48:58- Turn around and let's see. - Ha-ha(!)
0:48:58 > 0:49:03You never worried before. For this job they want melons!
0:49:03 > 0:49:06All right. I don't care!
0:49:06 > 0:49:12Do you know someone? Find your own melons!
0:49:12 > 0:49:16Darling, you know I love you...
0:49:16 > 0:49:21I'm sorry I was interrupted. Can you tell me which hospital he's in?
0:49:21 > 0:49:24Thanks. Thanks a lot.
0:49:28 > 0:49:31DOORBELL RINGS
0:49:34 > 0:49:39Excuse me, but I saw an advert for someone to share a flat.
0:49:39 > 0:49:43Oh, yes. Come in. Thank you.
0:49:43 > 0:49:51There's two of us here, but we could use a third. It's about £5 a week each, OK?
0:49:51 > 0:49:56Yes, as soon as I get a job. Oh, what do you do, then?
0:49:56 > 0:50:01I was a stuffer. Pardon? Sausage meat.
0:50:02 > 0:50:07In a sausage factory. Oh, yes. Putting it in.
0:50:07 > 0:50:12Why did you give it up? I wanted to get away from home.
0:50:12 > 0:50:15Would you like to see round?
0:50:15 > 0:50:21Darling, I've gotta go! I wish I was dead.
0:50:22 > 0:50:26This is Adrian. How do you do?
0:50:26 > 0:50:29Where did you come from? Heaven?
0:50:29 > 0:50:35No, Ful-ham. Fulham. Wonderful, beautiful Fulham.
0:50:35 > 0:50:42What does he mean? Let me rest my mince pies. Phew, they are great!
0:50:42 > 0:50:44What?
0:50:44 > 0:50:47They ARE all yours? Don't be a fool!
0:50:47 > 0:50:55- Right, get your gear off. - What? - Your clothes. I want a butcher's.
0:50:55 > 0:50:57Who do you think I am!?
0:50:57 > 0:51:01Adrian, she isn't a model!
0:51:01 > 0:51:06What DO you do? I wouldn't tell him.
0:51:06 > 0:51:09In fact, she's not working right now.
0:51:09 > 0:51:14Oh? Well... you are now, my darling.
0:51:51 > 0:51:56'Ere, what's supposed to be wrong with you?
0:51:56 > 0:52:04- Me? Oh, nothing at all. Why? - There must be something wrong. - No, I'm fine.
0:52:07 > 0:52:12He's over there. Thanks. I won't be long.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16Aaow!
0:52:16 > 0:52:21Oh, I say! I'm awfully sorry. I didn't... Gosh, you!
0:52:21 > 0:52:26Yes. Well, nobody can accuse us of having dull meetings.
0:52:26 > 0:52:33- How did you get here? - The Agency told me where you were. - Oh, I see.
0:52:35 > 0:52:38Oh, excuse me.
0:52:38 > 0:52:43I came to apologise for what happened in the flat that night.
0:52:43 > 0:52:47You!? I behaved like an absolute clot!
0:52:47 > 0:52:55- No, it was really all my fault. If I'd known who you were... - Nonsense. Anyway, nothing happened.
0:52:55 > 0:52:59What did you think when I took all my clothes off?
0:52:59 > 0:53:04I felt a bit shaky when you asked where I wanted you.
0:53:04 > 0:53:13- You should have seen your face when I lay on the rug and told you to get on with it.- And I bolted!
0:53:13 > 0:53:22- I just wanted to say sorry. I'll have to go now.- Oh, no, wait. Could I see you when I get out?
0:53:22 > 0:53:27- If you really want to.- Oh, ra-ther! I'd like to see a lot more of you.
0:53:27 > 0:53:33- There isn't much you haven't seen! - No, I don't mean that.- No, I know.
0:53:33 > 0:53:39- If you'd like to give me a call... - As soon as I get out.- Fine. Bye.
0:53:39 > 0:53:41- Oh...- Yes?
0:53:41 > 0:53:46Don't think I'm being nosy, but there's one thing I have to know.
0:53:46 > 0:53:55- I don't have another girl. - Do you really make model aeroplanes out of milk bottle tops?- Yes.
0:53:55 > 0:54:00Good. I'll start saving mine for you, then. Bye.
0:54:03 > 0:54:09Look, mate, I couldn't help hearing, but is it really right, all that stuff?
0:54:09 > 0:54:15- What?- Her stripping off and laying on the rug.- Oh, yes.
0:54:15 > 0:54:22- And you turned and ran?- Yes.- And you say there's nothing wrong with you!
0:54:31 > 0:54:34And the next, please.
0:54:35 > 0:54:40Why, Mrs Bliss! What a pleasant surprise. Do come in and sit down.
0:54:40 > 0:54:47What brings you here? And what can I do for you? Not a marital problem?
0:54:47 > 0:54:52- Hardly. You see, I'm not married. - Yes, of course. That would be...
0:54:52 > 0:54:59- What!? You and Mr Bliss are living in sin? - Not that either, unfortunately.
0:54:59 > 0:55:06- I don't understand. - For business reasons he thought it better if we appeared to be married.
0:55:06 > 0:55:12We always had an understanding that we would marry. At least, I had.
0:55:12 > 0:55:19- How long has this been going on? - Ten years.- Oh, how terrible! My dear Mrs Bliss...
0:55:19 > 0:55:27- Miss Plummit, actually. - Miss Plummit? Oh, how nice. You'd like me to talk to Mr Bliss?
0:55:27 > 0:55:34Oh, no! I'd never marry him now! No, really, I came to talk about us.
0:55:34 > 0:55:41- About us? - I've been studying your case very carefully, Mr Snooper.
0:55:41 > 0:55:48I'm the only one who comes anywhere near satisfying your requirements for a wife.
0:55:48 > 0:55:52Oh, well, I don't know about that.
0:55:52 > 0:56:00- I'm sure you'll agree that I'm not one of your flighty young women. - Oh, no, not at all.
0:56:00 > 0:56:09- As for sex, I'd like to make my position quite clear.- Well, the position is half the battle!
0:56:09 > 0:56:16I would run your home efficiently, preside over your table gracefully
0:56:16 > 0:56:21and await any further demands hopefully.
0:56:21 > 0:56:25That is a most generous offer, Miss Plummit.
0:56:25 > 0:56:30I promise, Mr Snooper, you'll find me generous in all things.
0:56:30 > 0:56:36- Yes, well, I'd like a little time to think about it.- Of course.
0:56:36 > 0:56:42I've been a bachelor so long, I may not be very satisfying as a husband.
0:56:42 > 0:56:49- You know.- I know. - But with you I can't help feeling it might work.
0:56:49 > 0:56:54Don't worry. If it didn't, we could always adopt a child.
0:56:56 > 0:57:01What do you mean you're not coming in any more? Sophie, I need you!
0:57:01 > 0:57:06What? That's nice, after all I've done for you! Listen...
0:57:06 > 0:57:11Sophie? ..What's the matter with her?
0:57:13 > 0:57:21- Mr Philpott, what can I do for you? - You can give me my money back! - What's up?- What's up!?
0:57:21 > 0:57:26- You sent me to see Jenny Grubb. How about that?- Yeah, how about it?
0:57:26 > 0:57:34A mouse! I've more sex in my little finger. Then it was Miss Adams. A cracker, you said.
0:57:34 > 0:57:42- That's true.- A good cook, you said. - Yes.- She had something cooking - in the oven!- In the oven?
0:57:42 > 0:57:45By my reckoning, for about 5 months.
0:57:45 > 0:57:48Oh, my God!
0:57:48 > 0:57:52- It's OK. I'm in the clear. - I want my money!
0:57:52 > 0:57:58Mistakes happen. I've got one for you. Esme Crowfoot...
0:57:58 > 0:58:03- You know what you can do with her! - I don't, actually.
0:58:03 > 0:58:10- I'll go to the police! - They'll never find you anyone. - Fraud, that's what it is!
0:58:10 > 0:58:13Now, steady on. Come and sit down.
0:58:13 > 0:58:18- BELL CHIMES - Come in!- Just give me my money!
0:58:21 > 0:58:25Oh, excuse me. Am I interrupting?
0:58:25 > 0:58:28Not at all, Miss. Can I help you?
0:58:28 > 0:58:31You can take my name off your list.
0:58:31 > 0:58:37- You're on our books?- Don't you remember me?- No.- Jenny Grubb.
0:58:37 > 0:58:43- Jenny Grubb? I came round to your place for tea!- Yes.
0:58:43 > 0:58:50- And you weren't very impressed.- No. Yes! It's just that you were dressed rather differently.
0:58:50 > 0:58:56- That's my parents. They're an old-fashioned pair. - They're a beautiful pair.
0:58:56 > 0:59:03Just hang on. It's MY client. You want to come off our list. Are you fixed up with someone?
0:59:03 > 0:59:09No, but I've got a job as a model, and a nice new flat to live in.
0:59:09 > 0:59:13Let's go in here and talk about it.
0:59:13 > 0:59:21- I've a modelling job in half an hour for a new kind of body stocking. I can't get out of it.- I could!
0:59:21 > 0:59:26- No, I must go. - Here, let me give you a lift.
0:59:26 > 0:59:29That's very kind of you. Thank you.
0:59:29 > 0:59:38- Wait. You wanted your money back. - Me? Why? You've done a splendid job. - Have I?- Splendid.
0:59:44 > 0:59:47Grubb...Jenny Grubb.
0:59:50 > 0:59:57"Miss Jenny Grubb. Age - 24 years. Hair - brownish. Eyes - didn't notice.
0:59:57 > 1:00:04"Height - 5'6". Never had any." Eh? Oh, hobbies. That'll soon be changed.
1:00:09 > 1:00:13- Well, this is it. All right? - Mm, sexy.
1:00:13 > 1:00:21- You'd say a lumber room was sexy! - Only if I was rummaging through your odds and ends.
1:00:21 > 1:00:24Have you got in here again?
1:00:24 > 1:00:30Come on out! It's the porter's darn thing. It's always sneaking in.
1:00:34 > 1:00:38Shoo, Cooking Fat! Shoo!
1:00:41 > 1:00:46- Cooking Fat? They can't call it that.- That's what it sounds like.
1:00:50 > 1:00:58- Come and get comfy.- Are you sure your flatmates won't be back? - Not until after eleven.
1:00:58 > 1:01:05- God, I really fancy you, Jenny. - And I liked you from the start. - Oh, let me get at you.
1:01:05 > 1:01:08Oh! What am I sitting on?
1:01:08 > 1:01:13- Aaw. They're not yours, surely? - They're Gaye's. She is a FLAT-mate.
1:01:13 > 1:01:20- Come here...- Oh, steady on! There's plenty of time.- And inclination!
1:01:27 > 1:01:32- Terry, stop! What ARE you doing? - I'm looking for the zip.
1:01:32 > 1:01:37- You've got a sauce!- Where is it? - As if I'd tell you anyway!
1:01:37 > 1:01:40It's on the other side.
1:01:40 > 1:01:45- That's better.- Ooh! - What's up?- You've got cold hands.
1:01:45 > 1:01:48- Jenny...- Oh, Terry!
1:02:01 > 1:02:04Oh! Sorry, Jenny!
1:02:04 > 1:02:09Sally, this is MY night. Wednesday.
1:02:09 > 1:02:14I know. I'm going out as soon as I find my blue sweater.
1:02:18 > 1:02:21- Have you had it?- Not yet.
1:02:21 > 1:02:27If you must go on looking for it, would you please put something on?
1:02:27 > 1:02:32Sorry(!) But I must find it. I bet Gaye's had it again!
1:02:34 > 1:02:37Shall I close the door? Yes, please!
1:02:41 > 1:02:48- Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.- Not at all. Good job she wasn't looking for her pants. Or was it?
1:02:48 > 1:02:52- Oh, Terry...- Oh, Jenny...
1:02:52 > 1:02:55UNDOES HER ZIP
1:02:55 > 1:02:59- I found it!- Hooray(!) - ZIP GOES UP
1:02:59 > 1:03:06Sorry. I won't bother you any more. Want me to close the door?
1:03:06 > 1:03:08BOTH: YES!
1:03:08 > 1:03:14- Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry. - Don't mention it, don't mention it.
1:03:14 > 1:03:17You are sweet.
1:03:17 > 1:03:20- Oh, Jenny...- Oh, Terry...
1:03:25 > 1:03:28Blimey!
1:03:28 > 1:03:33- Men! I've had them up to here! - Gaye, what are you doing here?
1:03:33 > 1:03:37It's MY flat! But MY night.
1:03:37 > 1:03:42Oh, I'm sorry. I just couldn't stand Adrian any longer.
1:03:42 > 1:03:47Gaye, I have a friend here. Don't worry. I'm off to bed.
1:03:49 > 1:03:57- I'd hate to be here if it wasn't your night! - Oh, Terry...- Oh, Jenny...
1:03:57 > 1:04:05- Give me a number between one and ten.- Seven. - You lose. Get your clothes off.
1:04:05 > 1:04:08DOORBELL RINGS
1:04:08 > 1:04:15- Tell Bertie I won't be a minute. - Do it yourself. I'm busy. BELL RINGS AGAIN
1:04:15 > 1:04:19If that's Adrian, tell him to go to hell!
1:04:21 > 1:04:24BELL RINGS AGAIN
1:04:24 > 1:04:27Oh, I could scream!
1:04:34 > 1:04:37Right, where is that cow?
1:04:37 > 1:04:45- She doesn't want to see you. And I'M entertaining. How do you do?- Hello(!)
1:04:45 > 1:04:48Open up! Adrian!
1:04:49 > 1:04:53That is a cupboard! Oh. Sorry.
1:04:57 > 1:05:01Open up! I wanna talk to you!
1:05:01 > 1:05:05- I'll stay all night if I have to! - I knew it(!)
1:05:05 > 1:05:10Well, what is it? I can't exist without you.
1:05:10 > 1:05:17What about those other models? They mean nothing to me! You know that.
1:05:18 > 1:05:21- Oh, Terry...- Aaah!
1:05:24 > 1:05:28- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, good, company(!)
1:05:28 > 1:05:32I'm fed up! I might as well be at home.
1:05:35 > 1:05:41- Yes?- Hello, Jenny. Is Sally ready? - No, but do come in(!)- Thank you.
1:05:47 > 1:05:55- Oh, hello. Sorry to barge in. Do go on with what you were doing. - Chance would be a fine thing(!)
1:05:58 > 1:06:01- Quite a nice evening.- Charming(!)
1:06:01 > 1:06:10- I thought it would rain.- Really? - Yes. We'll probably get it tonight. - We'll be bloody lucky if we do!
1:06:12 > 1:06:18- Hello, Bertie. Sorry to have kept you waiting.- That's all right.
1:06:18 > 1:06:24- Well, what are we going to do? - I brought some tops to make planes.
1:06:24 > 1:06:28I don't think that's a good idea. Not tonight.
1:06:28 > 1:06:32All right, then I shall kill myself!
1:06:33 > 1:06:39I mean it! No, Adrian, don't! I shall shoot myself!
1:06:39 > 1:06:41Maybe we'll get some peace!
1:06:41 > 1:06:44Goodbye! Stop him, somebody!
1:06:49 > 1:06:51Take cover!
1:07:10 > 1:07:13- Boo!- AAH!
1:07:13 > 1:07:21- Aren't you tired following me? - Excuse, gentle sahib. Me no spoke very good English.- A Bombay Bond(!)
1:07:21 > 1:07:24Ha-ha! Fooled him that time!
1:07:24 > 1:07:3015.02 - suspect left Cock Inn...saloon bar.
1:07:30 > 1:07:33Proceeded back to office.
1:07:41 > 1:07:47- You're back!- Only to clear my desk. - Surely you're not still suspicious?
1:07:47 > 1:07:53- I no longer care.- How about dinner tonight? Like old times.
1:07:53 > 1:07:57- Old TIME. Even then, I paid! - So it's my turn.
1:07:57 > 1:08:03- I'm having dinner with Mr Snooper. - I hope you have your tin drawers on.
1:08:03 > 1:08:06Mr Snooper and I are to be married.
1:08:06 > 1:08:09You know nothing about the bloke!
1:08:09 > 1:08:16- He's a gentleman.- There you are(!) - Have you an alternative suggestion?
1:08:16 > 1:08:20Yes. Stay with me. It's been all right.
1:08:20 > 1:08:27- Goodbye!- Wait, don't leave me! I'll be lost without you. You know I need a woman.
1:08:27 > 1:08:33Then put the details on a card and stick it in your computer!
1:08:33 > 1:08:37All right, go! See if I care!
1:08:37 > 1:08:42Marvellous, innit? Give a woman the best years of your life!
1:08:42 > 1:08:45Snooper... What's he got, anyway?
1:08:47 > 1:08:50"Snooper, Percival" - Percival(!)
1:08:50 > 1:08:58"Age 43. Handsome, well-mannered, sexually backward." Doesn't know if he's coming or going!
1:08:58 > 1:09:03"Hobbies: reading, walking and poking...around antique shops.
1:09:03 > 1:09:08"Occupation: marriage guidance counsellor."
1:09:08 > 1:09:12Time I did some marriage guiding myself.
1:09:20 > 1:09:24- Esme?- Sidney? You've got a nerve!
1:09:24 > 1:09:32- Could you do me a small favour? No, not that! Could you meet me tonight?- No. I'm engaged to Gripper.
1:09:32 > 1:09:38Congratulations. I wouldn't bother you unless it was really desperate.
1:09:38 > 1:09:41As long as you promise to behave.
1:09:41 > 1:09:46Meet me at the Parkway Hotel at 8. And wear your sexiest see-through.
1:09:46 > 1:09:51- Why?- Just because I can't touch, doesn't mean I can't look!
1:09:51 > 1:09:53See you then. Ta-ra!
1:10:18 > 1:10:26- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll go. This is the lady I was expecting.- Very good, sir.
1:10:28 > 1:10:32Ah, Miss Plummit! How nice to see you.
1:10:32 > 1:10:37This is Miss Dempsey, my faithful OLD housekeeper.
1:10:37 > 1:10:42Mr Snooper has told me how well you look after him.
1:10:42 > 1:10:51- I've always done my best.- I'd be lost without her.- I hope you stay on after Percival and I are married.
1:10:51 > 1:10:53Married?
1:10:55 > 1:11:01- What on earth's up with her? - She's in love with you.- In love!?
1:11:01 > 1:11:09- You must have felt it on occasions. - Certainly not! No! I've never laid a finger on her.
1:11:09 > 1:11:12Do you care for a glass of sherry?
1:11:12 > 1:11:20Throw me aside like an old worn-out slipper! After all the years I've slaved for him!
1:11:20 > 1:11:24If I can't have him, nobody else is!
1:11:24 > 1:11:28Ah! I always knew it would come in useful one day.
1:11:31 > 1:11:36It's a delightful house, Percival. I shall be very happy here.
1:11:36 > 1:11:44- I think you'll like the first floor front as your bedroom. - We won't be sleeping together?
1:11:44 > 1:11:49Good gracious, no! Why should we with a house as large as this?
1:11:49 > 1:11:55But it's a wife's duty to be close to her husband, warm and comforting.
1:11:55 > 1:12:01- Oh, don't worry. I've got the electric blanket.- How nice(!)
1:12:01 > 1:12:09- And if we shared a bed, we might be tempted by carnal pursuits! - Rather, yes!
1:12:09 > 1:12:17- And we don't want any of that nonsense, do we? - You're very strong-willed.
1:12:17 > 1:12:23- But it's a temptation I would find very hard to avoid.- Do as I do!
1:12:23 > 1:12:29Cold bath in the morning and a good dose of salts at night. Cheers!
1:12:29 > 1:12:31Cheers(!)
1:12:40 > 1:12:44I must make a quick call. Pay the cab.
1:12:54 > 1:12:56PHONE RINGS
1:12:56 > 1:12:58Hello?
1:13:02 > 1:13:09- Hold on. Gripper, it's for you. - Oh, excuse me. - A pleasure.
1:13:15 > 1:13:20- 'Ello. Gripper Burke 'ere. - This is a friend.
1:13:20 > 1:13:27- An over-sexed nut named Snooper has lured your fiancee into his house. - What? Where?
1:13:27 > 1:13:33Bulstrode Avenue. Number 45. If I was you, I'd get my skates on.
1:13:36 > 1:13:39- You'll find this wine amusing.
1:13:39 > 1:13:44- KNOCK AT DOOR - That'll be Miss Dempsey. Come in.
1:13:49 > 1:13:52Miss Dempsey!
1:14:02 > 1:14:10- Miss Dempsey!- What is it, love? I mean, sir. - Nothing. Nothing at all.
1:14:10 > 1:14:17- I'll have mine in the kitchen and leave you two alone. It's only fair. - You always eat there!
1:14:17 > 1:14:22Oh, that's right. I always eat in the kitchen. Sorry, love.
1:14:22 > 1:14:29Well, I'll be leaving you now. Will you want your electric blanket switched on tonight?
1:14:29 > 1:14:38- Of course.- Well, we don't always like it, do we? I mean, do you? Oh, what have I said?
1:14:38 > 1:14:44I wouldn't like you to get any ideas about me and Percy. Mr Snooper.
1:14:44 > 1:14:51He's always behaved like the perfect gent with me, except when we...you know.
1:14:51 > 1:14:59- I'm sure he has(!) - Miss Dempsey, I've always been good to you.- Oh, you have, love. Sir.
1:14:59 > 1:15:07He has too. More than good. Always gives me a little present after... After I've done something nice.
1:15:07 > 1:15:12- Miss Dempsey!- I better go before I say something I shouldn't!
1:15:16 > 1:15:22The woman's demented! Sophia, surely you can't believe that?
1:15:22 > 1:15:30Well, I realise Miss Dempsey may be upset by our marriage announcement, but there's no smoke without fire.
1:15:30 > 1:15:33And a fire must be properly laid.
1:15:33 > 1:15:37I mean...
1:15:37 > 1:15:43- That'll do it.- Eh?- When you're inside, lay it on thick.- I can't.
1:15:43 > 1:15:48- Sophie will know you're not after me.- OK, just don't blame me.
1:15:48 > 1:15:52That's a good girl. Come on.
1:15:58 > 1:16:05Very well. I accept that there is nothing between you. She'll have to go.
1:16:05 > 1:16:12She has security and comfort here! She'd never get it anywhere else!
1:16:12 > 1:16:15Well, she's not getting it here!
1:16:15 > 1:16:20- It's your choice - her or me. - Oh, very well, then.
1:16:20 > 1:16:24- KNOCK AT DOOR - That's settled.- Come in.
1:16:24 > 1:16:28- There's a woman here to see you. - What woman?
1:16:28 > 1:16:35- Just tell him "Pussycat", she said. - Pussycat? I don't know any Pussycat.
1:16:35 > 1:16:38She's waiting in the drawing-room.
1:16:38 > 1:16:43She must have got the wrong house. Um...excuse me.
1:16:50 > 1:16:58- Madam, I think...- Oh, Percival! I had to come! I can't bear it any longer without you!
1:16:58 > 1:17:03- Control yourself!- How can I, after all we've been to each other?
1:17:03 > 1:17:12- You've never shown any control where I'm concerned!- What?- I need you! The nights have been so empty!
1:17:12 > 1:17:16Just love me occasionally!
1:17:16 > 1:17:21Madam, please keep your voice down! You can be heard all over the house.
1:17:22 > 1:17:27I don't know who you are or... OOOH! What are you doing?
1:17:27 > 1:17:35- I want you to take me! I'm yours! Take me!- I don't want you! Stop it at once!
1:17:35 > 1:17:40- You've found someone else! I can feel it!- Well, stop feeling it!
1:17:40 > 1:17:45Percival, how could you desert me? What's to become of me and the baby?
1:17:45 > 1:17:48Baby!? I don't know any babies!
1:17:51 > 1:17:57- You'll always be mine! - Help! Miss Dempsey! AAAH!
1:17:57 > 1:17:59Oh, no!
1:17:59 > 1:18:02You - Esme Crowfoot!
1:18:02 > 1:18:06You filthy depraved beast!
1:18:06 > 1:18:09No, Sophia, please come back!
1:18:09 > 1:18:13- Get off! - You don't need her! You've got me!
1:18:19 > 1:18:22Bingo!
1:18:33 > 1:18:38Where is she!? "Pussycat" is in there(!)
1:18:38 > 1:18:41AAAH!
1:18:41 > 1:18:46You lousy swine! I'll kill ya!
1:18:46 > 1:18:49- You're all mad!- I'm mad, all right!
1:18:50 > 1:18:55Take your hands off him, you great bully, you!
1:18:57 > 1:19:00Why, Miss Dempsey!
1:19:08 > 1:19:10Oh, ta...aaaah!
1:19:28 > 1:19:35- Sophie, did you forget something? - No, I was just thinking about what you said yesterday.
1:19:35 > 1:19:40- You can't run the business without me.- Aren't you getting married?
1:19:40 > 1:19:50- No.- Oh, I'm very glad to hear it. We're back in business. I'll go to the off-licence so we can celebrate.
1:19:50 > 1:19:52Oh...
1:19:54 > 1:19:58Lend us a... Thank you.
1:20:06 > 1:20:12- Hello!- Mr Bedsop... What are you doing here?
1:20:12 > 1:20:17Actually, I thought it was time I gave you a report on Mr Bliss.
1:20:17 > 1:20:22You're still following him? Sorry! I should have told you to stop.
1:20:22 > 1:20:29- I think you'll want to know whom he was with last night. - Oh, I'm sure...
1:20:29 > 1:20:34- Last night?- Oh, yes. He met a Miss Esme Crowfoot.
1:20:34 > 1:20:39Really? Do go on, Mr Bedsop.
1:20:46 > 1:20:50Sophie! Come and get it!
1:20:53 > 1:20:58- Look - champers!- Oh, very nice! May I crack it?- Yes, go ahead.
1:21:02 > 1:21:07- What did you do that for? - You wretch! You rotten swine!
1:21:07 > 1:21:12I know you sent that wretched woman into Mr Snooper's last night!
1:21:12 > 1:21:17- I did it because I don't want to lose you.- Well, you have!
1:21:17 > 1:21:22- Wait. I want to marry you. - What?- Marry you.
1:21:22 > 1:21:27That is, in time... All right! Next week, then.
1:21:27 > 1:21:31- You heard that?- I've got it down.
1:21:31 > 1:21:35- You won't regret it, Sid, I promise. - I know, darling.
1:21:35 > 1:21:43- Why don't we have a booze-up and invite all the couples we brought together?- That'll cost.- So what?
1:21:43 > 1:21:48- Charge them and we'll be in profit. - Oh, I love you!
1:21:55 > 1:21:58VIOLINIST PLAYS "Narcissus"
1:22:21 > 1:22:27Ladies and gents, I realise our marriage has come as a shock to you,
1:22:27 > 1:22:33but we're delighted to share today with you blissfully happy couples.
1:22:33 > 1:22:41Just to see so many contented faces is reward in itself to us for all the trouble we've been to.
1:22:41 > 1:22:48You have been dead lucky to benefit from our expert knowledge and advice.
1:22:48 > 1:22:54So please drink to our health and happiness and your own. Cheers!
1:23:03 > 1:23:08DUO PLAYS "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow"
1:23:17 > 1:23:25- 'Ere, that's it!- What? - That suit he's wearing. That's the one that was drying in your flat!
1:23:25 > 1:23:31- Stop it, Gripper!- So it was you! I'll blooming well kill you!
1:23:31 > 1:23:34He's potty. Ignore him, Sophie.
1:23:36 > 1:23:42- I'll deal with you later. - You will, will you?
1:23:43 > 1:23:47Don't you laugh, you little squirt!
1:23:47 > 1:23:50How dare you, you old bag!
1:25:00 > 1:25:03Keep 'em coming!
1:25:57 > 1:26:02Subtitles by Greig Forbes BBC Scotland 1994