0:00:02 > 0:00:09This film contains some strong language.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17RADIO: 'You can run but you can't hide from the Lord.'
0:00:21 > 0:00:24'You can never judge a book...'
0:01:02 > 0:01:07ANNOUNCER: Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl.
0:01:17 > 0:01:24She definitely knows you are ready for the ultimate in teen glamour.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31The American Teen Princess pageant.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr Adam West.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39The American Teen Princess pageant
0:01:39 > 0:01:44has been enriching the lives of American-made girls since 1945.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47The American Teen Princess pageant
0:01:47 > 0:01:51provides personal growth, scholarship, travel,
0:01:51 > 0:01:56and you might even meet a few celebrities. Yes!
0:01:56 > 0:02:01At the national level, thousands of 17-year-old girls like you
0:02:01 > 0:02:03compete in places like...
0:02:03 > 0:02:06COMPUTER VOICE: ..'Mount Rose'...
0:02:06 > 0:02:10..and make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14to compete for the title of American Teen Princess.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17'So which one of you will it be?'
0:02:17 > 0:02:20'Like sands through the hourglass,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23so are the days of our lives.'
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Iris, you taped your show over it.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I'm sorry.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31TV OFF
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Now ladies, the rest of the tape,
0:02:37 > 0:02:42which has now gone for ever, goes on about starting that journey,
0:02:42 > 0:02:46which we call the American Teen Princess pageant.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Any lady who'd like to start that journey,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52come down and sign up.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54And help yourself to coffee and bars.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Show time.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Would most people say teenage beauty pageants are a good idea?
0:03:03 > 0:03:09I know what your city, no-bra-wearing women libbers might say.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12A pageant is old fashioned and demeaning.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- Women dressing like men is sick. - You betcha, Iris.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20You'll find things different here in Mount Rose.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23We're all God-fearing folk, every one of us.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27You won't find a 'back room' in our video store.
0:03:27 > 0:03:33That filth is left to the sin cities.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33AKA Minneapolis, St Paul.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36MUSIC: "Lost Picasso" - Hot Sauce Johnson
0:03:40 > 0:03:42# Sitting on that bench
0:03:42 > 0:03:44# Waiting cos I'm dead
0:03:44 > 0:03:48# Going down, feeling like my life is almost over
0:03:48 > 0:03:49# I don't know what to say
0:03:49 > 0:03:51# Haven't made my way
0:03:51 > 0:03:54# But I'm not gonna be a lost soldier... #
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Oh, yeah, sure. Freda. Sure.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02She was the oldest living Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07Them Shriners won't take down the sign, the lazy sons of bitches.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Every year I tell 'em,
0:04:09 > 0:04:14"Take down the goddamn Freda sign, you lazy sons of bitches."
0:04:14 > 0:04:18# I don't want to be a lost Picasso
0:04:20 > 0:04:22# I'm doing my thing
0:04:22 > 0:04:27# I don't want to be a lost Picasso...
0:04:27 > 0:04:30We're going to the Mall of America
0:04:30 > 0:04:34to buy outfits for the physical fitness number.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Nothing showy.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You betcha. We need a third judge.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40And we need a theme.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Look out!
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Darn it! Hello, Father Donigan. Sidewalks?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Iris, stop it. It's not his fault.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53The communal wine was too tempting.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56We Lutherans use grape Kool-Aid instead.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00There's a space... No, it's a compact.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05Shouldn't the Mall of America have the parking lot of America?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07It's a 200 fine.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I said I'd move if a cripple came.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Let's just run in the store and pick some outfits.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Wait, wait, wait, wait.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21I think I just thought of a theme.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Oh, what was it?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Proud To Be An American.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27So, what was the theme last year?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29That was Buy American.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33And the year before?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33USA is A-OK.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Can you remember the theme of your favourite pageant?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Can I?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Amer-I-Can.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46People ask where I get this. Maybe it's a gift from God.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54# I don't want to be a lost Picasso #
0:05:59 > 0:06:04Introduce yourself and tell us why you're signing up for the pageant.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Hi. I'm Leslie Miller.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I'm signing up cos...
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I always watch the pageants on TV,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16and my boyfriend thinks I'll win.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19For my talent, I'm doing ...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19HE WHISPERS
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Pat, I'm telling them about...
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Hi, Pat. Go, Muskies. Whoo!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Hi. I'm Amber Atkins,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39and I'm signing up cos, um...
0:06:39 > 0:06:43my two favourite people in the world competed in pageants,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46my mom and Diane Sawyer.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51I hope I'll end up more like Diane Sawyer than my mom.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53ROCK MUSIC
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Do you do any of the embalming? - Oh, my God, no.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I just do hair and make-up.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I can practice my talent here.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14SHE TAP DANCES.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Yeah, sure. Every pageant is special,
0:07:19 > 0:07:23but this one is extra super-special to me.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28When I was 17 - I don't know if you know this -
0:07:28 > 0:07:34but I was, um, crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36And this year...
0:07:36 > 0:07:39drum roll, please...
0:07:39 > 0:07:42my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44is competing.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Is this my mark?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman,
0:07:50 > 0:07:54and I think this is an important experience.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58It... It teaches you what's important in life,
0:07:58 > 0:08:03and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05GUNSHOTS
0:08:13 > 0:08:16My mom gave me this on my 13th birthday.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21I remember what was on the card - "Jesus loves winners."
0:08:21 > 0:08:24So whatever I do, I aim to win.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Why? Well, er...
0:08:31 > 0:08:36It's like asking, "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?", you know.
0:08:36 > 0:08:42If you're 17 and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Have you decided what your talent will be?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Yeah, I'm going to sing and dance...
0:08:48 > 0:08:51to New York, New York.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56I fell in love with the city last summer when I visited my brother.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59He followed his dream to New York.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Mm, wait.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Here's Peter...as Liza.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Here's him as Madonna.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15As Barbra.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I don't know what my talent will be yet.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- DOG BARKS - Kenny. Kenny, come.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Come, Kenny. Oh, this is Kenny.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Spike, my German Shepherd,
0:09:32 > 0:09:36he went to live on a farm after he attacked me.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41But it wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48They remade my belly with skin from my butt.
0:09:48 > 0:09:54I was Mount Rose's American Teen Princess in 1945.
0:09:53 > 0:10:00We were at war with the Japs. Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Had to turn it in for scrap.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14So, we adopt Molly three year ago, when we come to America,
0:10:14 > 0:10:18to help acclimate us to American.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20To America, Dad.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24THEY LAUGH
0:10:22 > 0:10:24She all-American girl.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27She all-American Teen Princess girl.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30GIRL SPEAKS JAPANESE
0:10:35 > 0:10:39English! Speak English, you stupid little retard.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44So, Molly, tell the movie man what you talent do.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48I'll be line dancing.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Country Western.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Clint Black. Oof!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Hey, what he got that I not got?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Have you decided on your talent yet?
0:10:59 > 0:11:04Yeah. Erm... I'll be doing a dramatic monologue,
0:11:04 > 0:11:09and right now I'm thinking, Othello or Soylent Green...
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Well, my own version of it.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16A lot of girls make the transition from pageants into acting.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21'Competing for Minnesota's American Teen Princess title was exciting,
0:11:21 > 0:11:27'but I never could've won without my... Saint Paul Pork Products.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30'I've enjoyed Saint Paul Pork Products for years.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34'I grew up next to these stockyards.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37'It's still the same family-run business
0:11:37 > 0:11:41'Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44'when they slaughtered their first pig.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48'Mm-mm!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52'I just love Saint Paul Pork Products.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56'In fact, I love them so much, I work here now.'
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Oh...help yourself.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Thanks.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07You're welcome.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10My talent will be an interpretive...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15..dance...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18while I sign...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Through The Eyes Of Love.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Yeah. Well, see...
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I have a dream
0:12:26 > 0:12:30of spreading sign language around the world.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Mom, would you be so kind?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39MUSIC: "Through The Eyes Of Love"
0:12:45 > 0:12:50Tammy Curry. I'm signing up for the pageant cos of the scholarships.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54I'm captain of varsity soccer. I run track.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59I'm president of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I love that one.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12You bet.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Maybe other people think I can't win, but they didn't think
0:13:16 > 0:13:21I'd beat Becky Leeman for president of the gun club either, and I did.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28"Nobody can stop me, but me."
0:13:28 > 0:13:31EXPLOSION
0:13:34 > 0:13:36ORGAN MUSIC
0:13:37 > 0:13:42Everybody's doing really well, considering that she was so young.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46It's hard to see the young ones called home,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48and on an exploding thresher.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52It's just so odd and gross.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. SHE SNIFFS
0:13:58 > 0:14:01But the show must go on.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06I have to ask Ted if we can use his light. You watch the Jell-O salad.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Are you signing up for the pageant? - No way.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15Look at that farm girl. Everyone says it's an accident.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19She got iced because someone didn't want her to win.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24It's like a roach motel.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Check in, but you don't check out.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27And they say smoking's bad for you.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32And tendu, close. Tendu, close.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Tendu, close. Tendu, close. Plier.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38And repeat. Tendu...
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Suck in the bellies. And tuck in the tushes.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Close those legs. You look like bow-legged cows.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Other side.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52And tendu, close. Tendu, close.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Tendu, close, plier.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57You picked a good year.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01If I was a betting woman, I'd lay ten to one
0:15:01 > 0:15:05it comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Sweet Jesus, what a showdown this should be, if...
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Ow! Oh, God. It's so embarrassing.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23My winning the Mount Rose...
0:15:23 > 0:15:28American Teen Princess Pageant...
0:15:28 > 0:15:30really changed my life.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Amber does my hair...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35once a week.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40It's the least I can do for the reigning American Teen Princess.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43God...
0:15:42 > 0:15:43What?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Just a little snarl.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49KNOCK ON DOOR
0:15:49 > 0:15:52What? Oh, my God.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Lights, camera, and me without any make-up on.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00What are you guys doing here?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00What are you doing here?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Who are you?
0:16:06 > 0:16:11"Who are you?" Oh, Mary, you kill me.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13She always says that.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18It's a game we play every week - same dippy look on her face.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21"Who are you?" Just like that.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23It's me, Becky,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26and I brought your favourites.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Real nice, Becky. She's anorexic.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33She's skinny, Amber, not deaf.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36ROCK MUSIC
0:16:55 > 0:17:00Beyond this pageant, you must have certain dreams you aspire to.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Yeah. Yeah, I got dreams.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Sometimes I dream of winning.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I dream of getting out of Mount Rose
0:17:10 > 0:17:14and being a big-time reporter like Diane Sawyer.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Guys get out all the time, for hockey scholarships,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20or prison.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Yeah, 1963.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Her beauty worked against her
0:17:25 > 0:17:28when she started out in Louisville.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Those were different times. COUGHING IN BACKGROUND
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- That's my mom. - Amber, did you get my smokes?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I'll get 'em in a sec.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Aw, shit.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43They're from Los Angeles. They wanted to film me.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48If they ask you to take your top off, get the money first.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50And go get my smokes.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07CHUCKLES
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Hey. Hey, you like it? Open it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Yeah, the globe. Pull the North Pole.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Honey, we're not a showroom.
0:18:16 > 0:18:16This holds three bottles.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Tape deck comes out of Afghanistan.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- Lester... - All right, all right.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- They forget where it all comes from. - Taiwan.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Enough, young lady. Would you like a drink?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Impartial?
0:18:34 > 0:18:39Outside, I am Gladys Leeman, civil servette, impartial as they come.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44But I'm in my house now, in my wife apron and my mom hat.
0:18:44 > 0:18:50So I can say that Rebecca is the most talented contestant we have ever had.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53She's been singing and dancing for years.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58She's damn near as good as...that little black guy with the glass eye,
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- the Candy Man...the Jew. - Sammy Davis Junior.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Nice one, Dad. He's dead.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Then it's the Judges' Interview.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Each girl has ten minutes with the judges, prior to the pageant.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Then we have the...
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Hello, Tony.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34"Hey" to the folks.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Gladys, the Judges' Interview.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46So you've judged a lot of pageants?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49No. No. No way. No.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Never judged one before in my life.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56No way. Never been around young girls.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Even if I was, why would I want to be?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I don't get off on that.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09That's why you're asking, right?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Did someone say something?
0:20:21 > 0:20:26Do you judge every year?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26No, I never judged before.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Hey, are we on "Cops?"
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Shut up, Hank. It's business.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Ah! Mom said not in the head.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40Mom's dead, so shut your fly trap.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I will if you shut your pie hole.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42HE GIGGLES
0:20:42 > 0:20:45MUFFLED SHOUTING
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Don't make me kick ya where the good Lord...
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Don't make me...
0:20:54 > 0:20:58You want some of this?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Are you excited? - You bet.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03More than when Hanky got acquitted.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08I become a judge, then we get hired to paint the whole thing.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12We'll use the money to get our mom a headstone,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15and move her to the cemetery.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18THUD!
0:21:18 > 0:21:22If you see anything you like, you just let me know,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24because I know the owner.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28So, here we are. My place of business,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31the world's largest Conestoga wagon.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Here we have a very attractive unit. Farmers like it.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37OK, show time.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Hey, Tim, Carla, don't Jew me down too much on that dinette,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45and I'll throw in a hutch for free.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50That's my speciality - you don't pay less, I give you more.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Secret is, the hutch is included in the price.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Ain't that right, Jean?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Take a memo, sweetheart.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04MUSIC: "Voices Of Spring" - Strauss
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Six, seven...and one.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I'm just watching the young gir...contestants,
0:22:28 > 0:22:32like the rest of my friends and neighbours.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Are you getting her?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Leave him alone. It's OK.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Oh, just a camera... I keep in the glove compartment for...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54car accidents, insurance.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02You guys got a camera. No-one's accusing you.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05CRUNCH!
0:23:19 > 0:23:25Brett, wanna go to the lake with me on Thursday?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Actually, I got practice.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Maybe Friday then. We were going to go cow tipping.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Er... Well... I'm kinda busy on Friday.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Hi.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Hi.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Give her your tray. You're holding up the line.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Er...
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Give it to her.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54I'll take it. It's my job.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58No, it's all right. I got it.
0:23:58 > 0:23:58You're supposed to put it in...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Oh, man.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10You got some lutefisk in your hair.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Then it must be Wednesday.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Lutefisk is codfish
0:24:17 > 0:24:20that's been salted and soaked in lye for a week.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25It's best with lots of butter.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Er... I'm not really busy on Friday.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31I was just saying that.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- I know. - Well, er...
0:24:34 > 0:24:39if you want to do something...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Yeah. Yeah, sure. You bet.
0:24:39 > 0:24:44Oh, crap. I got to work at the funeral home. We're busy right now.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- Hunting season. - Hunting season.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50I'm cutting out early today for some duck hunting,
0:24:50 > 0:24:55but maybe I could call you tonight.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Yeah, sure.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- All right, well, er... - Fine.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Bye. - Bye.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03BELL RINGS
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Hey, Amber.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14God, did Becky see you guys?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- You shouldn't be here. - It's cool. Doreen gave us hairnets.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21No, we shouldn't talk here.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Stop by my house tonight.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Go.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31# Up every day at six
0:25:31 > 0:25:34# Bacon and eggs to fix
0:25:34 > 0:25:38# Four kids from one to four
0:25:38 > 0:25:41# Pretty soon there'll be one more #
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- They take out her butt? - Jesus H Christ.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- Are we on Cops again? - Be quiet.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- Hi. - Hi.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54It's just the guys making a movie about the pageant.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59This here's Loretta.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59I tell Annette, "Don't talk to me during my stories."
0:25:59 > 0:26:03- You want a beer? - No, thanks. Is Amber here?
0:26:03 > 0:26:08She just went to the bone gardens. She's in a hell of a mood.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Been to the Leemans'?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14If so, you got photos of the winner.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- Shut it. - Christ, it's true.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23Let's just say who should win, who deserves to win, is Amber.
0:26:23 > 0:26:28She's the prettiest, the best tapper, the most smartest.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31"Most smartest?" You're real educated.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Get a picture of that. "Most smartest."
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I'm sending you home.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37I'm bragging up your kid.
0:26:39 > 0:26:45I know. Let's go.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45Amber's going to be the next Diane Sawyer, you know.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50Why do you think Becky will win?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Why? I - Ow, don't pinch.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55They're the richest family here. It's news if one of them has a shit.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Oh, great.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03Can one of you give me a ride home?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03She lives two trailers down.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07So? It'll be easy.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Go home, Loretta. The party's over.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09TRUCK HORN BLASTS
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Oh, my God! Jesus Christ on a cross.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Number one rule in a funeral home -
0:27:22 > 0:27:25never sneak up on the living.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29You never know who could be holding a skull saw.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34Mr Larson's son learned the hard way. He's buried next to my grandpa.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36SHE SIGHS
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- Are you upset about Brett? - Upset about Brett?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Nah. Hazard of the trade.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51I don't really have time for guys anyway.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55It's weird, though. He took it right between the eyes.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Don't often see that.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02So Brett just got shot in the head.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05He did? Well, hunting's dangerous.
0:28:05 > 0:28:11So, anyway, my mom gave me this 30-aught for my 16th birthday.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17I need Stella now.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21The family say she's nothing like the photo.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26I thought she might not want to look like a cheap whore.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28This cheap whore is their mother.
0:28:28 > 0:28:33The Clemmens said make him look like he was snowmobiling. Pink cheeks -
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Red nose and ears, I know.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54Sorry we couldn't talk in the cafeteria.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56I was scared, OK?
0:28:56 > 0:28:59I opened my locker today,
0:28:59 > 0:29:03and there's a picture of Tammy Curry taped inside.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06This was on the back.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Oh, yeah. Hell of a way to go.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15After thorough investigating, we determined that the Curry girl
0:29:15 > 0:29:19must have been smoking and driving.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23Yeah, Tammy liked to drive that thresher, but...
0:29:23 > 0:29:27she said the vibration helped her think.
0:29:26 > 0:29:30But Tammy only smoked after a good drive.
0:29:30 > 0:29:35Ask anyone who isn't scared to talk about it. Tammy was murdered.
0:29:35 > 0:29:40God, I bet Diane Sawyer never had to deal with crap like this.
0:29:40 > 0:29:45Amber!
0:29:41 > 0:29:45If it's another head wound, I need more caps.
0:29:45 > 0:29:50There's an emergency at home.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50That's my ma's code for "get milk and Luckys."
0:29:50 > 0:29:53No. Loretta called. It's a fire.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Oh, my God.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Mom.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Mom? Mom!
0:30:13 > 0:30:15Mom? Mom?
0:30:16 > 0:30:20God, Mom! Mom!
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Hey, hey! You family?
0:30:20 > 0:30:25No, she's just screaming mom because she has Tourette's(!)
0:30:25 > 0:30:28- Is Mom OK? - She's alive. She's there.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Mom! I'll be following in the hearse.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Don't let that worry you, Annette.
0:30:48 > 0:30:52So, Doctor, is this an unusual injury?
0:30:52 > 0:30:55Oh, yeah. This was a doozy.
0:30:54 > 0:30:59Right now, our chief concern is to stabilise Annette,
0:30:59 > 0:31:02and then in surgery, remove this.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04SHE GROANS
0:31:04 > 0:31:09Oh, Mom, it's so ugly.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09Ruined a new pair of Lee Press-Ons.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13I sat down to have a beer... and ka-blewey.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17Next thing I know, something blows through my window,
0:31:17 > 0:31:21and I'm ass-up in somebody's flower bed.
0:31:20 > 0:31:25'Asswipe, quit dicking around and put a book under the camera.'
0:31:25 > 0:31:29'Don't say asswipe. Mom's window's open.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32'There are only three minutes on the battery.'
0:31:32 > 0:31:36- BOTH: - 'One, two, one, two, three...'
0:31:34 > 0:31:36EXPLOSION
0:31:39 > 0:31:41- BOTH: - Shit!
0:31:46 > 0:31:50I stuck your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out.
0:31:50 > 0:31:55Find the guy who cut 'em off, so you can practise for the pageant.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57Mom...
0:31:59 > 0:32:01..about that...
0:32:00 > 0:32:01Yeah.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06I... Oh, my God.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13She's pregnant.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17Amber, wait. Come back. Mommy wants to talk to you.
0:32:17 > 0:32:24And then kill you!
0:32:19 > 0:32:24Annette, see if there's any beer left in that can, and relax.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29- I'm quitting the pageant. - You're what?!
0:32:29 > 0:32:34For Christ's sake, the woman clung to your tap shoes
0:32:34 > 0:32:38- while flying through the air. - I know. I know.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Lil' Miss Sad Pants, and Serious Sally,
0:32:41 > 0:32:45how about some mints to turn those frowns upside down?
0:32:46 > 0:32:51Do you think a mint would help if I shoved your head up your ass?
0:32:54 > 0:32:56So, what do I say?
0:32:56 > 0:32:59Simple. Just say,
0:32:59 > 0:33:03"Mom, I know you sacrificed everything,
0:33:03 > 0:33:07"relationships, dreams, your tummy, ass and thighs,
0:33:07 > 0:33:12"all to bring me into this world so I could be in the pageant,
0:33:12 > 0:33:15"but you know what? I'm quitting."
0:33:15 > 0:33:19There. Easy as pie.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19Oh, my God. I'm so dead.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21You betcha.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25Get out. Next one in here without a pack of Luckys dies.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28You have a super day too.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Get out.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33Mom, look, don't talk.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36First of all, I'm not pregnant, OK?
0:33:37 > 0:33:40I'm not letting go till you tell me what's up.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44I am reaching the point where I would kill someone
0:33:44 > 0:33:47for the nicotine under their nails.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49OK. Erm...
0:33:49 > 0:33:52Yesterday I got this picture...
0:33:52 > 0:33:56so I'm thinking about, um... you know...
0:33:55 > 0:33:59- I'm going to quit the pageant. - What?
0:33:59 > 0:34:03Oh. Would you excuse us for a moment? Go on.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07Loretta, get out of here.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07Mom, what's your problem?
0:34:07 > 0:34:10My problem? Sit your ass down.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14Nice mouth, Ma, but I'm not going through this again.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17You're not going through it again?
0:34:17 > 0:34:21You're not the one that feels like Jiffy Pop.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25First Tammy, then Brett Clemmens, now this? It's scary.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29Scary? I'll tell you scary. Look here.
0:34:29 > 0:34:34You want to look like you've been rode hard and put away wet like me?
0:34:34 > 0:34:39Best I can hope for is to end up in a raisin ranch where they change me.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47Honest to God, if I had it to do over,
0:34:47 > 0:34:53I'd start walking out of here the minute I could take my first step.
0:34:53 > 0:34:58Practically the only thing I wouldn't do different is have you.
0:34:59 > 0:35:04I hope that's you and not your concussion talking.
0:35:04 > 0:35:09It's me. I just don't want this to be the thing that you'd do over.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13This pageant's your ticket out of here.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15And I know you can win.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17Come here.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20- Oh, I love you much. - I love you much.
0:35:20 > 0:35:24And you're gonna win. She's gonna win.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28Ain't she gonna win, Loretta?
0:35:26 > 0:35:28You bet.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31No, she ain't quitting.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34Mom said if I did, she'd marry my dad.
0:35:34 > 0:35:39Has your dad's life been a secret?
0:35:36 > 0:35:39I know he chose his career over us.
0:35:39 > 0:35:44What did she use to say?
0:35:41 > 0:35:44"Once a carnie, always a carnie."
0:35:44 > 0:35:48Ma still cries when she sees a Tilt-A-Whirl.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50The Atkins fire.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Foul play? Shit, no.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57Investigations determined that it was bad wiring.
0:35:57 > 0:36:01That's the biggest crock of shit I ever heard.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05Ow! What, they had a sale on dull needles?
0:36:05 > 0:36:08I just need one more do-over.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10# Dream on, dream on, beauty queen
0:36:10 > 0:36:13# The prettiest girl we've ever seen
0:36:13 > 0:36:15# There's a story in our town
0:36:15 > 0:36:17# Of the prettiest girl around
0:36:17 > 0:36:19# Golden hair and eyes of blue
0:36:19 > 0:36:22# How those eyes could flash at you #
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Now,
0:36:26 > 0:36:29remember, the three important parts
0:36:29 > 0:36:34to give a good interview are...
0:36:31 > 0:36:34OK, listen up. Number one...
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Number one...
0:36:36 > 0:36:40Teen Princesses do not cross their legs like streetwalkers.
0:36:40 > 0:36:45Miss Penthouse '98, knees together. I could drive a boat show in there.
0:36:45 > 0:36:51Ankles together, hands resting on your laps. Sit up straight. Smile.
0:36:51 > 0:36:56All right. Number two - the judges are just as nervous as you are.
0:37:03 > 0:37:08So, are you ready to start the judging, start the interview?
0:37:10 > 0:37:13I guess I could answer that.
0:37:13 > 0:37:18We're ready, so we should probably get the young girls in here.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21To start the interview.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25"If you... could be any tree in the woods...
0:37:27 > 0:37:30"..what kind of tree would you be?"
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Dogwood?
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Bonsai.
0:37:34 > 0:37:35Green?
0:37:35 > 0:37:39I can be any tree you want. Just let me warm up.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Hmaaaaah...
0:37:44 > 0:37:49One with strong roots in a community like Mount Rose,
0:37:49 > 0:37:51a solid Christian trunk,
0:37:51 > 0:37:54and leafy branches to give shade
0:37:54 > 0:37:57for handicapped kids on a hot day.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00The retard's pants are open.
0:38:00 > 0:38:05- SHE LAUGHS - I don't... I don't want to see this.
0:38:06 > 0:38:11Who'd you pick to be president, dead or alive?
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Emperor Hirohito.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13Brett Favre.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15SHE CHANTS
0:38:20 > 0:38:23My mother, cos she could solve world hunger
0:38:23 > 0:38:27with one of her blue-ribbon rhubarb pies,
0:38:27 > 0:38:30create world peace with one of her prayers,
0:38:30 > 0:38:34and still look beautiful for my dad, Lester Leeman.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Do you like to swim?
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Oh, I love to swim!
0:38:39 > 0:38:43In New York, I met Greg Louganis at my brother's show.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45- SHE LAUGHS - Yeah.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:38:56 > 0:38:59The 'tard's pants are completely off.
0:39:01 > 0:39:06- Close up shop, Hank. Close up shop. - Har...
0:39:05 > 0:39:10You Amber Atkins?
0:39:07 > 0:39:10Yes, I am. Thank you. Hello.
0:39:12 > 0:39:17Name and spell all the United States in alphabetical order.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Seriously?
0:39:21 > 0:39:23Erm, yup.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Erm...
0:39:26 > 0:39:28Well, erm...
0:39:30 > 0:39:32Alabama,
0:39:32 > 0:39:35A-L-A-B-A-M-A.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37Alaska,
0:39:37 > 0:39:40A-L-A-S-K-A.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Erm....
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Arizona,
0:39:45 > 0:39:49A-R-I-Z-O-N-A.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51West Virginia,
0:39:51 > 0:39:54W-E-S-T V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56Wisconsin,
0:39:56 > 0:40:00W-I-S-C-O-N-S-I-N.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02Wyoming,
0:40:01 > 0:40:04W-Y-O-M-I-N-G.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Well... OK.
0:40:14 > 0:40:18With two weeks until the pageant,
0:40:18 > 0:40:21I was practising my talent,
0:40:21 > 0:40:24finishing my costume,
0:40:24 > 0:40:27brushing up on current events,
0:40:27 > 0:40:32and running 18 miles a day on about 400 calories.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36I was ready.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50Girls, couple of things.
0:40:50 > 0:40:54Gladys wants us to all go in show order today, all right?
0:40:54 > 0:40:57So, very important. Don't forget that.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02Oh, yeah...really nervous.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05It's been about two months.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08I haven't told my boyfriend yet.
0:41:08 > 0:41:12How did you know?
0:41:09 > 0:41:12I meant, nervous about the pageant.
0:41:12 > 0:41:17Oh, nervous about the pageant. Yeah.
0:41:17 > 0:41:21There are 8,000 sequins and 1,500 beads on this skirt alone.
0:41:21 > 0:41:26My mom had Mrs Lopez make it, one of my father's Mejican workers.
0:41:26 > 0:41:31He lifts them from their poverty in Mejico.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34All my mom's clothes melted on to mine,
0:41:34 > 0:41:38forming, like, this big polyester meteor.
0:41:38 > 0:41:42But by some miracle, our neighbour found my costume
0:41:42 > 0:41:45on the roof of their trailer.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49Here's the weird part - it was still on the hanger.
0:41:50 > 0:41:54This is my lucky bolt. It fell from a DC-10.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58The doctor said I was lucky the flat side hit me,
0:41:58 > 0:42:01cos it could have gone through my head.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04I know, it gives me the willies too...
0:42:04 > 0:42:09Amber...can we...switch numbers?
0:42:09 > 0:42:12My cousin...just had a deaf baby,
0:42:12 > 0:42:15and I get to go see it.
0:42:15 > 0:42:20I need to go first.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20Sure. Eight's my lucky number anyway.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23Diane Sawyer was number eight at her local.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27- Thank you. - You're welcome.
0:42:27 > 0:42:32# I can see what's mine now
0:42:33 > 0:42:38# Finding out what's true
0:42:39 > 0:42:41# Since I
0:42:41 > 0:42:44# Found you
0:42:45 > 0:42:48# Looking through the
0:42:48 > 0:42:50# Eyes of love... #
0:42:52 > 0:42:55To be honest, this is a hard time for me,
0:42:55 > 0:42:59because this is the time when you realise
0:42:59 > 0:43:04that tomorrow night, all but one of these girls is going to be a loser.
0:43:05 > 0:43:11It's hard for me to know what that would feel like. It can't feel good.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15Oh, my God.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Don't touch her. Don't touch her.
0:43:19 > 0:43:23Don't move the body. She could be paralysed.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Can someone call 911?
0:43:30 > 0:43:32'Don't you get it?'
0:43:32 > 0:43:36I was meant to go first. I was contestant number one.
0:43:36 > 0:43:39That was meant for me.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42If Janelle hadn't wanted to go first...
0:43:42 > 0:43:46I owe my life to that deaf baby.
0:43:47 > 0:43:51That was your mom. She wanted you to have this.
0:43:54 > 0:43:59Really, Loretta?
0:43:56 > 0:43:59You bet.
0:43:59 > 0:44:02My mom wanted me to have this?
0:44:03 > 0:44:06I thought it might help you sleep.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08Loretta, never have kids.
0:44:09 > 0:44:12God love you for thinking I could.
0:44:12 > 0:44:17Your ma did want you to have this, since the other one's toast.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20Oh, it's like Diane Sawyer's!
0:44:20 > 0:44:23But smaller. Diane was a bit hippy.
0:44:23 > 0:44:26- Not our girl. - Oh, no.
0:44:26 > 0:44:31# I'm gonna be number one
0:44:31 > 0:44:34# I'm gonna be number one... #
0:44:34 > 0:44:39Yeah.
0:44:35 > 0:44:39Pain meds. Hope the show ends first.
0:44:41 > 0:44:44We have excitement. Big excitement.
0:44:44 > 0:44:47Go, Molly! Go.
0:44:47 > 0:44:51Leslie's going to kick Teen Princess ass!
0:44:51 > 0:44:53Go, Muskies!
0:44:58 > 0:45:01# Tonight, I'm gonna be number one
0:45:01 > 0:45:06# I'm gonna be number one #
0:45:16 > 0:45:20APPLAUSE
0:45:20 > 0:45:23Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my.
0:45:23 > 0:45:25Is that for me
0:45:25 > 0:45:27or my gown?
0:45:28 > 0:45:30Thank you.
0:45:32 > 0:45:35Welcome to the American Teen Princess Pageant.
0:45:35 > 0:45:40While every contestant you'll meet here tonight is special and unique,
0:45:40 > 0:45:43they all have one thing in common -
0:45:43 > 0:45:48they are all proud to be an American.
0:45:50 > 0:45:54MUSIC: "This Land Is Your Land" - The Boston Pops Orchestra
0:46:15 > 0:46:17# This land is your land
0:46:17 > 0:46:19# This land is my land
0:46:19 > 0:46:22# From California
0:46:22 > 0:46:24# To the New York island
0:46:24 > 0:46:26# From the redwood forest... #
0:46:26 > 0:46:29I chose Mount Rushmore,
0:46:29 > 0:46:34because to live in a country where you can put faces on a mountain,
0:46:34 > 0:46:38faces of Americans who did so much to make our country great,
0:46:38 > 0:46:43well, that makes me, Rebecca Leeman, proud to be an American.
0:46:43 > 0:46:47I'm Lisa Swenson, and I am proud to be an American,
0:46:47 > 0:46:50because living where Lady Liberty
0:46:50 > 0:46:52keeps her flame burning bright...
0:46:53 > 0:46:57She always keeps her flame...burning bright,
0:46:57 > 0:47:01makes me proud to be an American.
0:47:01 > 0:47:05The Washington Monument...
0:47:03 > 0:47:05MAN'S VOICE: Yeah, baby!
0:47:05 > 0:47:09..makes me, Leslie Miller, proud to be an American.
0:47:11 > 0:47:16Living in a country where no matter who you are or where you're from,
0:47:16 > 0:47:19you can grow up and become what you dream,
0:47:19 > 0:47:23makes me, Amber Atkins, proud to be an American.
0:47:23 > 0:47:26Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard,
0:47:26 > 0:47:29proud to be an Asian-American.
0:47:29 > 0:47:35My Uncle Bill's World's Largest Ball of Twine in Bundy, Minnesota,
0:47:35 > 0:47:38it makes me proud that I'm American.
0:47:39 > 0:47:43I kinda misunderstood the assignment.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47Some notes from the dress rehearsal.
0:47:47 > 0:47:50Gladys says a couple of you
0:47:50 > 0:47:54are getting sexy with your hips.
0:47:54 > 0:47:56God, my tap costume's gone.
0:47:56 > 0:47:59Amber, forget your talent costume,
0:47:59 > 0:48:03and put on your physical fitness outfit.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06It was here before the opening number.
0:48:07 > 0:48:10Wait, what am I saying?
0:48:10 > 0:48:13I should just ask you, Becky.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17Where is it?
0:48:15 > 0:48:17What?
0:48:17 > 0:48:19You heard. Where is it?
0:48:19 > 0:48:23If you're getting at something, just say it.
0:48:23 > 0:48:25I just did.
0:48:25 > 0:48:29Then back it up cos you're talking crazy.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32Bring on that snotty attitude. Bring it on!
0:48:32 > 0:48:36As my mother says at dinner, come and get it.
0:48:36 > 0:48:39I will. I might even take seconds.
0:48:38 > 0:48:39I'll make sure it's hot!
0:48:41 > 0:48:43Girls, girls!
0:48:43 > 0:48:46You should go while they change.
0:48:46 > 0:48:49- All right, let go. - I hate her!
0:48:49 > 0:48:52I know. We all do.
0:48:52 > 0:48:56A big round of applause for last year's American Teen Princess
0:48:55 > 0:48:58in her farewell performance.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01Who could forget her lip-synching
0:49:01 > 0:49:04to "Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester?
0:49:04 > 0:49:07And here she is, Mary Johanson.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09APPLAUSE
0:49:10 > 0:49:13# 'Don't Cry Out Loud'
0:49:16 > 0:49:21- SHE LIP-SYNCHS: - # Don't cry out loud
0:49:21 > 0:49:24# Just keep it inside
0:49:24 > 0:49:28# Learn how to hide your feelings
0:49:28 > 0:49:33# Fly high and proud
0:49:33 > 0:49:36# And if you should fall
0:49:36 > 0:49:43# Remember you almost had it all #
0:49:46 > 0:49:51Take the stepladders for the physical fitness number.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53They're wet.
0:49:52 > 0:49:53My hands are stuck.
0:49:54 > 0:49:57I'm kinda dizzy from the fumes.
0:49:57 > 0:50:01Keep them away from you so they don't get on the outfits.
0:50:01 > 0:50:04Let's form a line. OK?
0:50:04 > 0:50:10What kind of mental retard paints stepladders right before a pageant?
0:50:09 > 0:50:13Here comes the judge. Here comes the judge.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16Get back, you retard.
0:50:16 > 0:50:20Go, Hank!
0:50:17 > 0:50:20It's OK. My dress is fine.
0:50:21 > 0:50:26FAINTLY: 'All right, so our other judges are
0:50:26 > 0:50:28'Jean Kangas and John Dough.'
0:50:28 > 0:50:31Opening number looked good,
0:50:31 > 0:50:36solid, but now you're gonna have to actually dance.
0:50:36 > 0:50:39So, dab this on, it'll help you smile.
0:50:39 > 0:50:44If they're looking at your teeth, maybe they'll forget your feet.
0:50:44 > 0:50:47MUSIC: "Conga" - Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
0:50:52 > 0:50:53# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga
0:50:53 > 0:50:56# I know you can't control yourself any longer
0:50:56 > 0:50:57# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga
0:50:57 > 0:50:59# I know you can't control yourself any longer
0:51:10 > 0:51:12# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga
0:51:12 > 0:51:14# I know you can't control yourself any longer
0:51:14 > 0:51:16# Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger
0:51:16 > 0:51:19# Don't you fight it till you tried it, do that conga beat
0:51:48 > 0:51:50# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga #
0:51:50 > 0:51:53HE CLAPS AND AUDIENCE GRADUALLY APPLAUDS
0:52:01 > 0:52:03Hurry up.
0:52:03 > 0:52:07OK, guys, I think we all got some. Just take it off.
0:52:10 > 0:52:13Guys, don't go in the bathroom.
0:52:13 > 0:52:18Tess blew chunks all over it. She ate a large dinner.
0:52:18 > 0:52:21She should've had her lucky bolt for dessert.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25And the Spirit Award goes to...
0:52:25 > 0:52:28I'd like to take you back 17 years,
0:52:28 > 0:52:31when a peanut farmer was president,
0:52:31 > 0:52:35some boys called Queen topped the charts,
0:52:35 > 0:52:38and Gladys Leeman was Gladys Wood,
0:52:38 > 0:52:43and she was Mount Rose American Teen Princess!
0:52:49 > 0:52:52Thank you very much.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55You know, 17 years ago,
0:52:55 > 0:52:59I won the talent contest by sewing... these culottes.
0:52:59 > 0:53:01Butterick pattern 7432.
0:53:01 > 0:53:07And you know what? They still fit.
0:53:04 > 0:53:07She had a big ass then too.
0:53:07 > 0:53:11Our next contestant is ready. Tess Weinhaus.
0:53:16 > 0:53:18It's just gone.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22I mean, I just want to tap, you know?
0:53:23 > 0:53:27I'm not saying I'm the best, or that I'll win.
0:53:27 > 0:53:30But shouldn't I get a chance to compete?
0:53:30 > 0:53:34The beagle is known for its howl.
0:53:35 > 0:53:38SHE YOWLS
0:53:38 > 0:53:43I wanted my mom to see me dance.
0:53:40 > 0:53:43Amber, come here.
0:53:42 > 0:53:47Please, I got so much Vaseline on, I'll be smiling all year.
0:53:46 > 0:53:49Here, it's nothing special,
0:53:49 > 0:53:54but your talent doesn't need to hide behind sequins.
0:53:53 > 0:53:56Oh, Miss K! Oh, look.
0:53:56 > 0:53:59But none can compare
0:53:59 > 0:54:03to the greatest bark of all, the German Shepherd.
0:54:03 > 0:54:06SHE BARKS DEEPLY
0:54:06 > 0:54:09Go out and kick some Leeman ass.
0:54:10 > 0:54:13Not so hard. Something snapped.
0:54:13 > 0:54:16Roll over. Lay him flat.
0:54:16 > 0:54:18Pin his shoulders,
0:54:18 > 0:54:21to the mat.
0:54:21 > 0:54:24Roll 'em over, lay 'em flat. Pin their shoulders to the mat.
0:54:24 > 0:54:27Go... Muskies! Yeah!
0:54:30 > 0:54:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:54:37 > 0:54:39Fade in.
0:54:39 > 0:54:43The year - 2024.
0:54:43 > 0:54:46Planet - Earth.
0:54:46 > 0:54:50The question on everyone's mind -
0:54:49 > 0:54:53what is Soylent Green?
0:54:58 > 0:55:02Why are you pretending you don't know what's happening?
0:55:02 > 0:55:06Amber, I'm sorry, but you know the rules.
0:55:06 > 0:55:09All costumes must be OK'd by Gladys.
0:55:09 > 0:55:13But doesn't your costume getting stolen overrule that?
0:55:13 > 0:55:17I'm sorry. I don't make the rules.
0:55:14 > 0:55:17This is bullshit.
0:55:17 > 0:55:21That is not American Teen Princess language.
0:55:21 > 0:55:25Good, cos this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant,
0:55:25 > 0:55:28this is Nazi Germany!
0:55:30 > 0:55:33Where do they get this stuff?
0:55:37 > 0:55:40Mrs Leeman?
0:55:40 > 0:55:42I'm wearing this tap costume.
0:55:42 > 0:55:48I'm going to do my talent tonight.
0:55:45 > 0:55:48Oh, really? I don't think so.
0:55:48 > 0:55:50Amber...
0:55:50 > 0:55:53I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
0:55:53 > 0:55:58but the rules state that a costume must be OK'd a week in advance.
0:55:58 > 0:56:02And I couldn't let you wear that skimpy thing.
0:56:02 > 0:56:05We have kids in the audience. You understand.
0:56:05 > 0:56:08But it's not my fault. Please.
0:56:08 > 0:56:11I didn't do anything wrong.
0:56:11 > 0:56:15- MICHELLE: - I know the truth, that's why I must say,
0:56:15 > 0:56:19Soylent Green is people!
0:56:20 > 0:56:22APPLAUSE
0:56:22 > 0:56:25Now, that's my cue.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41Oh, Amber!
0:56:44 > 0:56:48# When you walk in the room
0:56:47 > 0:56:49# You can hear a pin drop
0:56:50 > 0:56:54# Keepin' rhythm like a well-made Swiss watch
0:56:54 > 0:56:57# What kinda time did love tell?
0:56:57 > 0:57:01# How do you what you do so well?
0:57:01 > 0:57:03# Go-go boots and... #
0:57:03 > 0:57:06CRYING: I just wanted to compete.
0:57:06 > 0:57:09I can't believe this is happening.
0:57:10 > 0:57:13I can't believe she said...
0:57:18 > 0:57:20- Amber? - What?
0:57:21 > 0:57:23- Here. - Here, what?
0:57:23 > 0:57:28My jacket. Take it. I got my costume OK'd a month ago.
0:57:28 > 0:57:32You can wear it. Put it on.
0:57:29 > 0:57:32Lisa, you shouldn't do this.
0:57:32 > 0:57:35They don't let you perform naked. I asked.
0:57:35 > 0:57:38Shut up, you guys. Listen... Amber,
0:57:39 > 0:57:42I'm not going to win, OK?
0:57:42 > 0:57:47And a family only needs one Liza, and Peter's got better legs.
0:57:47 > 0:57:50- Your parents'll kill you. - Ah, come on.
0:57:50 > 0:57:55I love them, but they only had me to give Peter a kidney.
0:57:55 > 0:57:58APPLAUSE
0:57:59 > 0:58:01Molly, thank you.
0:58:04 > 0:58:07Now, it is with great pride,
0:58:07 > 0:58:10that I introduce Contestant number six,
0:58:10 > 0:58:14president of her class for two years, honour roll student,
0:58:14 > 0:58:18and the new president of the Gun Club.
0:58:18 > 0:58:21Ladies and gentlemen, Rebecca Ann Leeman.
0:58:29 > 0:58:32You know what? The rumours are true.
0:58:33 > 0:58:36I do have a special fellow in my life,
0:58:37 > 0:58:40and if nobody minds,
0:58:39 > 0:58:43I'd like to sing a song just for him.
0:58:46 > 0:58:52- BARELY SINGS, OFF-KEY - # You're just too good to be true
0:58:52 > 0:58:54# Can't take my eyes off of you...
0:58:54 > 0:58:57Oh, shit.
0:58:57 > 0:59:01# You'd be like heaven to touch
0:59:01 > 0:59:03# I wanna hold you so much
0:59:05 > 0:59:10# At long last love has arrived
0:59:10 > 0:59:14# And I thank God I'm alive
0:59:15 > 0:59:19# You're just too good to be true
0:59:19 > 0:59:23# Can't take my eyes off of you
0:59:24 > 0:59:27# I love you, baby
0:59:27 > 0:59:29# And if it's quite all right
0:59:29 > 0:59:31# I need you, baby
0:59:31 > 0:59:33# Through all the lonely night
0:59:33 > 0:59:35# I love you, baby
0:59:35 > 0:59:37# Trust in me when I say... #
0:59:37 > 0:59:41Lisa, come on, you're next.
0:59:39 > 0:59:41Nah, I quit.
0:59:41 > 0:59:45And since my costume was OK'd, I'm giving it to Amber.
0:59:49 > 0:59:51# Love you, baby
0:59:51 > 0:59:54# Let me love you
0:59:56 > 0:59:58# Ba-da ba-da
0:59:58 > 1:00:00# Ba-da da-da da
1:00:00 > 1:00:01# Ba-da ba-da
1:00:01 > 1:00:03# Ba-da da-da da #
1:00:08 > 1:00:11Boy, I'd hate to follow that act.
1:00:11 > 1:00:14The voice of an angel, that one.
1:00:17 > 1:00:20Oh. I've just been notified
1:00:20 > 1:00:25that Contestant number seven, Lisa Swenson, has dropped out.
1:00:26 > 1:00:29I know, but these things happen,
1:00:29 > 1:00:35and we still have one more contestant - number eight, Amber Atkins.
1:00:36 > 1:00:39APPLAUSE
1:00:57 > 1:01:00INSTRUMENTAL ROCK WITH STRONG BEAT
1:01:56 > 1:01:58CHEERING
1:02:05 > 1:02:07Thank you. Thank you.
1:02:11 > 1:02:14APPLAUSE CONTINUES
1:02:14 > 1:02:17OK. OK.
1:02:18 > 1:02:20OK.
1:02:20 > 1:02:22Well,
1:02:22 > 1:02:24the time has finally come
1:02:24 > 1:02:28where we say goodbye to the judges,
1:02:28 > 1:02:34so that they can go off and make the toughest decision of their lives.
1:02:40 > 1:02:43So, who gets the crown?
1:02:43 > 1:02:47Well, we'll...compare scores and figure out a winner
1:02:47 > 1:02:51cos we don't know who the winner is yet.
1:02:51 > 1:02:54I have no idea who Jean picked, or Harold.
1:02:54 > 1:02:56No idea.
1:02:57 > 1:03:00I know who the winner is.
1:03:00 > 1:03:03I know who it is. Harold, I know.
1:03:03 > 1:03:07That's it. You shut your goddamn mouth, you...
1:03:07 > 1:03:09You retard!
1:03:09 > 1:03:11HE SHOUTS
1:03:11 > 1:03:13Come on.
1:03:13 > 1:03:16Back off, college boy. Now, listen.
1:03:17 > 1:03:21Hanky can't help it if he's born crazy.
1:03:21 > 1:03:24For fuck's sake, why didn't you leave him with a sitter?
1:03:25 > 1:03:28HE CRIES
1:03:28 > 1:03:31Nice, John. That's real nice.
1:03:31 > 1:03:34You know the baby-sitter's dead.
1:03:39 > 1:03:42So, anyone talk to Janelle lately?
1:03:42 > 1:03:45I brought her some flowers today.
1:03:45 > 1:03:49She's in the room next to my mom. She's super happy.
1:03:49 > 1:03:53She's happy?
1:03:50 > 1:03:53The blow to her head made her deaf.
1:03:53 > 1:03:56- Isn't that great? - Oh, that's great.
1:03:56 > 1:03:58Yeah, she's so happy.
1:03:58 > 1:04:03Jesus Christ, what are they doing? Letting the retard count the votes?
1:04:04 > 1:04:07Ladies, it's time.
1:04:12 > 1:04:14APPLAUSE
1:04:25 > 1:04:29Welcome back, everybody, and judges.
1:04:29 > 1:04:31Oh, gosh,
1:04:31 > 1:04:33we are so darn close to that moment
1:04:33 > 1:04:37we have all been waiting for.
1:04:37 > 1:04:40Now, our second runner-up
1:04:39 > 1:04:44and winner of a 50 scholarship for a vo-tech is...
1:04:46 > 1:04:48..Leslie Miller.
1:04:52 > 1:04:54You rule, Leslie!
1:05:06 > 1:05:08Envelope, please.
1:05:11 > 1:05:14Our next prize, a 75 scholarship
1:05:14 > 1:05:17will be awarded to the first runner-up.
1:05:18 > 1:05:20The first runner-up is...
1:05:23 > 1:05:25..Amber Atkins.
1:05:51 > 1:05:53And now, finally the moment
1:05:53 > 1:05:56that I know I've been waiting for -
1:05:56 > 1:06:00a scholarship of 500, from Leeman Furniture,
1:06:00 > 1:06:02an all-expense paid trip
1:06:02 > 1:06:06to compete for the title of Sarah Rose Cosmetics
1:06:06 > 1:06:09Minnesota American Teen Princess...
1:06:15 > 1:06:20Our new Mount Rose American Teen Princess is...
1:06:21 > 1:06:24..contestant number...
1:06:24 > 1:06:28You know what, it's my daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman!
1:06:41 > 1:06:43Thank you.
1:07:05 > 1:07:07# Here she is
1:07:07 > 1:07:11# Our Mount Rose American Teen Princess
1:07:11 > 1:07:13# Look at her
1:07:13 > 1:07:15# Doesn't she look fine?
1:07:15 > 1:07:18# Our heart swells big
1:07:18 > 1:07:21# As we look at her
1:07:21 > 1:07:22# Our Mount Rose
1:07:22 > 1:07:26# American Teen Princess #
1:07:26 > 1:07:29EVERYONE: One, two, three.
1:07:29 > 1:07:33You got her there?
1:07:31 > 1:07:33We was robbed.
1:07:33 > 1:07:36They'll take her back.
1:07:36 > 1:07:39- She almost fell out coming over. - Good bungee cords.
1:07:40 > 1:07:44Hey, I got second runner-up. I got second place.
1:07:44 > 1:07:47- Third. - Huh? No, I got... Bye.
1:07:47 > 1:07:49Bye.
1:07:53 > 1:07:56Are you disappointed about not winning?
1:07:56 > 1:07:59Yeah, well, you know...
1:07:59 > 1:08:03At least I got to compete, and my mom got to see me dance.
1:08:03 > 1:08:06I guess number eight only worked for Diane Sawyer.
1:08:06 > 1:08:09Oh... Let's go home.
1:08:09 > 1:08:13Come on. I'll let you drive, OK?
1:08:13 > 1:08:16- I hope it was worth it. - It was.
1:08:16 > 1:08:20Amber should've won.
1:08:17 > 1:08:20Peter never would have pulled that.
1:08:20 > 1:08:24Well, you know what, Dad? Peter's gay.
1:08:25 > 1:08:27Gay!!
1:08:27 > 1:08:29What?
1:08:29 > 1:08:32So, Becky, how does it feel?
1:08:32 > 1:08:35Oh, well, I mean it's all happening so fast.
1:08:35 > 1:08:39I'm so excited. I mean...
1:08:39 > 1:08:41I won. I'm the winner.
1:08:41 > 1:08:44And I'm going to State.
1:08:44 > 1:08:47She's the winner, and we're going to State.
1:08:47 > 1:08:52What a surprise. Gladys Leeman's going to State, and Nationals maybe.
1:08:52 > 1:08:55How she's going to fix that one?
1:08:55 > 1:09:01Are you ladies going to the parade?
1:08:58 > 1:09:01No, I think I'm due or something.
1:09:02 > 1:09:06MUSIC: "Fanfare For The Common Man" - Aaron Copland
1:09:18 > 1:09:22Beautiful as a whore's ass today, huh?
1:09:44 > 1:09:50Gladys had me get that special-made from Mejico in case Becky won.
1:09:50 > 1:09:55I do a lot of business there. I always offer to pay in tacos.
1:09:55 > 1:09:58They love that.
1:10:00 > 1:10:04Let's get this straight - you made us late.
1:10:04 > 1:10:07I want the big bag of little doughnuts.
1:10:07 > 1:10:11- You get nothing, Hank. - I want doughnuts.
1:10:11 > 1:10:16The next time you drink window cleaner, I'm leaving it in you.
1:10:16 > 1:10:18Harold, er...
1:10:18 > 1:10:20Harold?
1:10:21 > 1:10:23My pants are... Harold?
1:10:33 > 1:10:36BAND PLAYS
1:10:52 > 1:10:55Rebecca Ann Leeman,
1:10:55 > 1:10:58you wanted this, now get up there.
1:10:58 > 1:11:02I don't care if you have to ride it side-saddle. Move.
1:11:02 > 1:11:05It smells funny, like gasoline.
1:11:05 > 1:11:09- Things are like that in Mexico. - My dress will reek.
1:11:09 > 1:11:11You listen.
1:11:11 > 1:11:14This thing cost your dad, so move it,
1:11:14 > 1:11:17and show me some teeth.
1:11:17 > 1:11:19Love you.
1:11:33 > 1:11:35Stop it!
1:11:35 > 1:11:37You are a bad kid.
1:11:49 > 1:11:52Want some candy?
1:11:57 > 1:12:02Amber, if I die from these fumes, you hide the hickeys on my neck, OK?
1:12:03 > 1:12:05Oh, yeah.
1:12:05 > 1:12:09- And the bite marks on my ears. - Yeah, sure.
1:12:09 > 1:12:14And it won't show, but on my inner thighs...
1:12:11 > 1:12:14Yes, Leslie, OK.
1:12:14 > 1:12:18Help! Hank! Help! Hank!
1:12:18 > 1:12:21Help! Help! Help!
1:12:21 > 1:12:23Hello!
1:12:26 > 1:12:28I designed the float, you know,
1:12:28 > 1:12:33and what's going to happen is that this is going to look
1:12:33 > 1:12:37like a glistening lake beneath the swan.
1:12:37 > 1:12:40Gladys, we need more bars!
1:12:39 > 1:12:44This is... What? She can't do anything by herself.
1:12:43 > 1:12:48Yeah, this is exactly how I pictured it, choking on swan gas.
1:12:49 > 1:12:51WHOOSH!
1:12:51 > 1:12:53Oh, great.
1:13:01 > 1:13:03Oh, my God.
1:13:05 > 1:13:09'Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, my God.'
1:13:09 > 1:13:11Oh, crap. Oh, crap.
1:13:24 > 1:13:26Oh, my baby.
1:13:26 > 1:13:29Oh, my God, the swan ate my baby!
1:13:32 > 1:13:34Baby...baby, get up!
1:13:36 > 1:13:38We gotta go to State!
1:13:39 > 1:13:43- OK. Here, now, let's go. - Get up, Becky, baby!
1:13:43 > 1:13:46Get off me, you cow!
1:13:49 > 1:13:53What are you looking at?!
1:13:53 > 1:13:56A town full of losers, that's what I'm looking at!
1:13:56 > 1:13:58And you,
1:13:58 > 1:14:04you piece of shit trailer trash, that should have been you in there!
1:14:04 > 1:14:10I should have killed you when I had a chance! Just like your little friend.
1:14:10 > 1:14:14Oh, Tammy was one crispy critter up on that thresher!
1:14:14 > 1:14:19Ding! Fries are up.
1:14:16 > 1:14:19Gladys, stop it. Stop it.
1:14:19 > 1:14:21SIRENS
1:14:24 > 1:14:28Take it easy. Take it easy.
1:14:28 > 1:14:30Let go! It's Cops!
1:14:30 > 1:14:35He sells reproductions. His furniture's as fake as my orgasms!
1:14:35 > 1:14:39Hey, man, how're you?
1:14:36 > 1:14:39Hey, Scott. You remember Bruce?
1:14:39 > 1:14:41Bruce, that's Roy.
1:14:41 > 1:14:45And that's why, dear Lord, it's with such great sorrow,
1:14:45 > 1:14:48we give you this woman,
1:14:48 > 1:14:53whose dream of riding on a giant swan brought about her death.
1:14:53 > 1:14:57Maybe it's your way of telling us
1:14:57 > 1:14:59to buy American.
1:15:02 > 1:15:07As acting president of the Mount Rose Civil Servettes,
1:15:07 > 1:15:12it is my duty to make you Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
1:15:22 > 1:15:25- What is wrong? - I don't know.
1:15:25 > 1:15:28- I didn't want to win like this. - Stop.
1:15:28 > 1:15:30You are a good person.
1:15:30 > 1:15:34- Good things happen to good people. - Really?
1:15:34 > 1:15:38No, it's bullshit. You're lucky as hell, so enjoy it.
1:15:38 > 1:15:43Let's get you a rootbeer float. You guys want some shots?
1:15:43 > 1:15:49I never liked her, but she didn't deserve to die like that.
1:15:49 > 1:15:53The whole thing's just kinda... sad and lame at the same time.
1:15:53 > 1:15:56This came for you, sweetie.
1:15:58 > 1:16:02It's from State. Oh, my God!
1:16:00 > 1:16:02Open it up.
1:16:03 > 1:16:06It's all the stuff I get to do.
1:16:06 > 1:16:08Let's see.
1:16:08 > 1:16:12Ooh, we get a personal consultation with a make-up artist!
1:16:12 > 1:16:16Oh, there'll be a choreographer to the stars.
1:16:16 > 1:16:19To the stars! Oh, gosh.
1:16:19 > 1:16:21Oh, my God. No way. Oh, my God.
1:16:21 > 1:16:26What? Spit it out, Amber.
1:16:23 > 1:16:26We'll be staying overnight
1:16:26 > 1:16:31at the Airport Howard Johnson!
1:16:28 > 1:16:31Right by the airport!
1:16:31 > 1:16:33God, that's so great!
1:16:33 > 1:16:39Yeah! Oh, crap, I only got four days to practice. Let's go.
1:16:37 > 1:16:39I'll call your mom.
1:17:08 > 1:17:13All right, say, 'Airport Ho-Jo.'
1:17:11 > 1:17:13Airport Ho-Jo.
1:17:18 > 1:17:23Take a picture. It'll last longer.
1:17:20 > 1:17:23Loretta, don't do that.
1:17:23 > 1:17:26I've got to work with these people.
1:17:28 > 1:17:30Let's go.
1:17:51 > 1:17:56And you are...?
1:17:53 > 1:17:56Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
1:17:56 > 1:17:59Funny. You don't look dead.
1:17:59 > 1:18:02OK, ladies, listen up.
1:18:02 > 1:18:05I'm Colleen Douglas,
1:18:05 > 1:18:09and this raven beauty on my right is Terry Macey.
1:18:09 > 1:18:14And we're your Minnesota American Teen Princess state board.
1:18:14 > 1:18:18And co-founders of the Minnesota Modelling Academy.
1:18:18 > 1:18:21Applications are there,
1:18:20 > 1:18:26and we will waive the fee if you list a friend and their address, OK?
1:18:26 > 1:18:28You're cute.
1:18:28 > 1:18:31Oh, you're married.
1:18:31 > 1:18:35Catch this in your mouth, I'll give you a present.
1:18:35 > 1:18:37Open wide.
1:18:37 > 1:18:40Got it first time. Come here.
1:18:40 > 1:18:42You are cute.
1:18:42 > 1:18:49Due to budgetary cuts...
1:18:44 > 1:18:49And the Nationals not coughing up.
1:18:46 > 1:18:49..you can't stay overnight.
1:18:49 > 1:18:53So pay attention. You have eight hours till show time.
1:18:53 > 1:18:58Remember to count, ladies. Arms up on eight. On the beat.
1:18:58 > 1:19:00MUSIC: "Downtown" - Petula Clark
1:19:00 > 1:19:02# When you're alone
1:19:02 > 1:19:04# And life is making you lonely
1:19:04 > 1:19:07# You can always go
1:19:07 > 1:19:08# Downtown #
1:19:08 > 1:19:11Come on, sell it.
1:19:11 > 1:19:14Very nice. Figure eights, ladies.
1:19:14 > 1:19:17I can sum up our entire philosophy
1:19:17 > 1:19:20with this glass.
1:19:20 > 1:19:24I can look at it and say, "It's half full",
1:19:24 > 1:19:28which in the beauty pageant biz means, "Where's my waiter?"
1:19:28 > 1:19:35- CHILDREN SHOUT - Stop with the Marco Polo, or I'll rip your heads off!
1:19:45 > 1:19:47Miss Burnsville, you're next.
1:19:51 > 1:19:56I have a secret weapon of my own. Don't tell anybody.
1:20:08 > 1:20:13I don't eat shellfish. Ma says, "If it carries its house around,
1:20:13 > 1:20:15"it might not clean."
1:20:15 > 1:20:18I've done about 35 pageants.
1:20:18 > 1:20:22The most memorable was Miss Teen America 1995.
1:20:21 > 1:20:26It was in Vegas. My roommate did Adam West.
1:20:26 > 1:20:29She said he was so horny.
1:20:37 > 1:20:40WOMAN SINGS OPERATIC ARIA
1:20:40 > 1:20:43Oh, my God.
1:20:44 > 1:20:48MUSIC: "Saturday Night's All right" - Elton John
1:20:58 > 1:21:01I should just go home now.
1:21:04 > 1:21:08OK, good. One suggestion, sweetie, hike up your skirt a bit, OK?
1:21:08 > 1:21:10Next.
1:21:13 > 1:21:16Oh, my God. I gotta go.
1:21:15 > 1:21:21Do something about those nerves. People aren't going to wait for you.
1:21:20 > 1:21:23That's true.
1:21:24 > 1:21:26Get a bucket.
1:21:26 > 1:21:30'Today, a pageant turned ugly.'
1:21:30 > 1:21:32THEME FROM "SPACE ODYSSEY 2001"
1:21:34 > 1:21:36Oh, for God's sake.
1:21:37 > 1:21:41'A salmonella dysentery outbreak traced to shellfish
1:21:41 > 1:21:44'was believed to be the cause.'
1:21:49 > 1:21:52'Do you think they heard us?'
1:21:52 > 1:21:56'Oh, for Christ's sake! Call an ambulance!'
1:21:56 > 1:21:58'An ambulance? Call a priest!'
1:22:00 > 1:22:05'With us is David Richardson, one of the crew filming the pageant.
1:22:04 > 1:22:08'He was there when tragedy struck.'
1:22:09 > 1:22:13'Fucking beauty queens blowing chunks everywhere.
1:22:13 > 1:22:17'I've never seen anything like it, and I live in LA.
1:22:17 > 1:22:20'Hey, Ed... That's our sound guy.'
1:22:20 > 1:22:25'Can you tell us about the controversy? What about sabotage?'
1:22:25 > 1:22:28'While we haven't ruled out sabotage
1:22:28 > 1:22:33'from neighbouring state pageants, Iowa, Wisconsin, South Dakota...'
1:22:33 > 1:22:37'That bitch from Wisconsin -'
1:22:35 > 1:22:37'The important thing is we have a winner.'
1:22:38 > 1:22:43- 'The Minnesota Modelling Academy...' - 'And Sarah Rose Cosmetics present -'
1:22:43 > 1:22:45'Amber Atkins.'
1:22:46 > 1:22:49'The Minnesota American Teen Princess.'
1:22:49 > 1:22:53'Amber Atkins from Mount Rose.'
1:22:53 > 1:23:00'Amber, how do you feel?'
1:22:55 > 1:23:00'Well, I feel like I need to take a shower.'
1:23:00 > 1:23:03'Is this the best day of your life?'
1:23:03 > 1:23:08'I wish my mom was here though.'
1:23:05 > 1:23:08'You can wave hi.'
1:23:08 > 1:23:10Hi, monkey.
1:23:10 > 1:23:12'I got some.'
1:23:14 > 1:23:17'Uh-huh. No, gosh, no.
1:23:17 > 1:23:20'I still don't want to be on camera.
1:23:20 > 1:23:26'I just want to say, that bitch better watch out at the Nationals,
1:23:25 > 1:23:28'cos I am making friends here.
1:23:28 > 1:23:34'Friends with friends on the outside.'
1:23:31 > 1:23:34< Get off that phone!
1:23:34 > 1:23:36'Gotta go.'
1:23:36 > 1:23:40I can't believe it. I'm Minnesota American Teen Princess.
1:23:40 > 1:23:44Our baby's going to Nationals. Alabama, look out.
1:23:44 > 1:23:48I'm going on TV, just like Diane Sawyer.
1:23:51 > 1:23:55Use your hand.
1:23:52 > 1:23:55They said to practise.
1:24:07 > 1:24:09I did it.
1:24:09 > 1:24:13Ready? Here's the signal I'm going to give Mom when I'm on TV.
1:24:14 > 1:24:17My little Carol Burnett.
1:24:17 > 1:24:21Here she is, Minnesota's American Teen Princess,
1:24:21 > 1:24:28and soon to be the next America's American Teen Princess, our Amber.
1:24:28 > 1:24:30CHEERING
1:24:44 > 1:24:46Go, Amber!
1:24:48 > 1:24:52'So, after Frank dusts the crops,
1:24:51 > 1:24:55'he's taking her to Lincoln, Alabama.'
1:24:55 > 1:24:57CROWD CHANTS: Amber! Amber!
1:25:01 > 1:25:04MUSIC: "Beautiful Dreamer" - Mandy Barnett
1:25:04 > 1:25:09# Beautiful dreamer
1:25:11 > 1:25:15# Wake unto me
1:25:17 > 1:25:20# Starlight and dewdrops
1:25:20 > 1:25:24# Are waiting for thee
1:25:28 > 1:25:33# Beautiful dreamer
1:25:33 > 1:25:37# Awake on my song
1:25:39 > 1:25:45# List while I woo thee
1:25:45 > 1:25:49# With soft melody
1:25:53 > 1:26:00# Beautiful dreamer
1:26:00 > 1:26:04# Awake
1:26:04 > 1:26:09# Unto me #
1:26:26 > 1:26:30MUSIC: "Love Is All Around" - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
1:26:32 > 1:26:35# You can turn the world on with a smile
1:26:37 > 1:26:39# You can take a nothing day
1:26:39 > 1:26:42# And suddenly make it all seem worthwhile
1:26:42 > 1:26:44# Once you go and you should know it
1:26:44 > 1:26:47# Each word and every little movement you show it
1:26:47 > 1:26:48# Love is all around
1:26:48 > 1:26:49# No need to fake it
1:26:49 > 1:26:50# You can never doubt
1:26:50 > 1:26:52# Why don't you take it?
1:26:52 > 1:26:55# You're gonna make it after all
1:26:57 > 1:26:59# How will you make it on your own?
1:27:02 > 1:27:04# This world is awfully big
1:27:04 > 1:27:07# And all this time you're all alone...
1:27:07 > 1:27:09GUNSHOTS
1:27:12 > 1:27:16Come on out, you little blonde piece of trailer park trash!
1:27:16 > 1:27:19# You're gonna make it after all
1:27:19 > 1:27:22# You're gonna make it after all
1:27:21 > 1:27:26'In the sixth hour of a shoot-out -'
1:27:24 > 1:27:26GUNSHOT
1:27:30 > 1:27:35'This is Amber Atkins live at the Food Shack for... KRLH News.
1:27:35 > 1:27:39'Our reporter has just been shot. Paramedics are working on her.'
1:27:43 > 1:27:48I'm Peter Aitchison.
1:27:45 > 1:27:48And I'm Amber Atkins for WAZP News.
1:28:00 > 1:28:02# You're the one most likely to succeed
1:28:05 > 1:28:07# Just be sure you keep your head
1:28:07 > 1:28:09# Cos girl, you know that's all you need
1:28:09 > 1:28:12# Everyone around adores you
1:28:12 > 1:28:14# Don't get robbed, the world is waiting for you
1:28:14 > 1:28:16# Love is all around
1:28:15 > 1:28:17# Don't need to waste it
1:28:17 > 1:28:18# You can never doubt
1:28:18 > 1:28:20# Why don't you take it?
1:28:20 > 1:28:23# You're gonna make it after all #
1:28:38 > 1:28:41MUSIC: "A Girl That's Hip" - Tim Carroll
1:28:50 > 1:28:54# I want a girl I can take home to Mother... #
1:28:54 > 1:28:57Subtitles by IMS
1:28:57 > 1:29:01E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk