0:00:16 > 0:00:19So, you're finally settling down.
0:00:19 > 0:00:24You've saved up a little nest egg and are ready to dive into the real estate market.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Let's do a little shopping around.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28The American dream home.
0:00:28 > 0:00:33Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, one doghouse, one garage, two garbage cans.
0:00:33 > 0:00:39It's cosy, safe, and just barely within your overstretched budget. Not for you?
0:00:39 > 0:00:44For the same price, you can buy 200,000 acres of prime Sahara wasteland.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Put up a cottage. Nothing but you and the sky.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50It's like a beach without the ocean.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52And talk about quiet neighbours!
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Too remote? Oh, I understand.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58You need the thrill and excitement of the big city.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02With that same nest egg, you can get a slice of prime real estate.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Not this real estate.
0:01:04 > 0:01:11Cosy and affordable, this lovely fixer-upper is the perfect place for a dynamic couple like you.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13No need to putter around the house.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15It's all right there where you stand.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20What's the matter?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Feeling a little cramped?
0:01:22 > 0:01:30Well, just a stone's throw away, just one bridge or a tunnel ride, just outside the big, bustling city,
0:01:30 > 0:01:35there is a place with wide open spaces, friendly natives, and spacious dwellings.
0:01:35 > 0:01:40And it's all within your price range.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44It's almost too good to be true.
0:01:51 > 0:01:57When I told you I had a particular building in mind for you, this is the one I was talking about.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01It's a historical home on one of the best blocks in all of Brooklyn.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Remember what we talked about. - I know. Poker face.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- Built-ins, built-ins. - Oh, the kitchen's a little small.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Well, rip out this awful room divider, and you've got an eat-in kitchen.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- And over here you have your library...- Wow.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- For your books.- Oh, you like books?
0:02:18 > 0:02:23- I have a little collection of first-edition novels. - Alex is a writer.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26The parlour.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Oh, my God.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46So, this staircase. This leads to where?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I thought you realised.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50This is a duplex.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52As in, two floors for the price of one?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I believe it's right there in the listing sheet.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57So why was it sealed off?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Were there, like, a slew of murders up there or something?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03No, there's just a sweet, little old lady that lives upstairs.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- A tenant?- Mm-hm.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- So, rent control means we can't kick her out, right?- Alex!
0:03:10 > 0:03:11That's a legitimate question.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14No, you cannot evict her. She has to decide to leave,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17or, God forbid... Poor thing hasn't been feeling well lately.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20She's gotta be close to 100 years old.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21HE KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Mrs Connelly?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26It may take her a while. She's hard of hearing.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Mrs Connelly?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
0:03:30 > 0:03:35LOCKS CLUNK AND SQUEAK
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Kenneth. - SHE COUGHS
0:03:40 > 0:03:42There's my favourite girl!
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- How you feeling today, Mrs Connelly? - I don't feel too good, Kenneth.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mrs Connelly.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54I brought by a young couple that may want to buy the apartment...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- Hi.- Hi, Mrs Connelly. I'm Nancy Kendricks.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59This is my husband, Alex Rose.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04- Hello.- We were wondering if we could come in and look around.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05I don't feel up to it.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I'm sorry, dear.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Nice seeing you again, Kenneth.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12MRS CONNELLY COUGHS
0:04:15 > 0:04:18MRS CONNELLY HAWKS UP PHLEGM
0:04:21 > 0:04:25You have a Mommy And Me park over here.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29You got shopping a block and a half that way. No traffic. It is ideal.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Here's my card if you want to make an offer.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33There's a lot of heat on this place.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I'd say it'll be off the market by Monday.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Adios.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Three fireplaces? Guys, the place sounds incredible!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49And surprisingly affordable.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53It's kind of affordable. It's really at the high end of our price range.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- But when you factor in that it's a duplex...- It's a duplex?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- Yes.- Oh!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01You know, it's Brooklyn, first of all.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04We weren't even thinking about Brooklyn, so...
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Oh, actually, which reminds me. Did you bring it?- Oh, yeah.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Is this the latest in the Don Piper mystery series?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Fresh off the presses.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- I inscribed this copy to you guys... - Oh!- Coop, thank you.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22I am sure it's not gonna be nearly as brilliant as your new book, but a couple decent metaphors in there,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- turn of phrase... - We forgot to tell them the big news.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Oh, God! Yes.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- What is it?- Go ahead.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32We're pregnant.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38- Wow!- Congratulations. - Congratulations, man.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42I'm so happy for you! You guys must have just found out!
0:05:42 > 0:05:46No. Uh-uh. I'm four months along. Yeah!
0:05:46 > 0:05:51- Four months? - Oop!- Oh, honey. Stop!
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Hello!
0:05:55 > 0:05:59I mean, we're not gonna want to live here once we start having babies.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02And that upstairs would make the cutest playroom.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Well, I don't want Mrs Connelly coughing on my baby.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07You know what I mean.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Besides, do you realise how much the duplex is gonna be worth once we get both floors?
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- I know how much it costs.- It's gonna be worth a bazillion times that.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Really?- Yeah.- A bazillion? That's an incredible return!
0:06:18 > 0:06:25Come on, Alex, what better way to finish your novel than in your own 19th-century oak writer's nook?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It would be nice not to write at Starbucks with the other novelists.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Because you deserve your own nook.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32That's my train.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- All right. Let's do it. - Really?- Yeah.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39SHE SCREAMS
0:06:39 > 0:06:43- Oh, my God, this is so wonderful. We're gonna have a home!- Yeah.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- All right. I love you. - Aah! I love you!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I could have sworn we had more stuff.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09It's gonna look great.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:07:11 > 0:07:16Mrs Connelly, it's Nancy Kendricks and Alex Rose, from downstairs.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18(Let me look at you.)
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Oh!
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Hi.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28We just wanted to come up and say hi.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Oh, what a nice surprise.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Come in. Come in.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Thank you.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Wow!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39What an amazing apartment!
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Oh, thank you, dear. Sit down.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44We brought you this little housewarming gift.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46That's very kind of you. Thank you.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51I'll open it for you. I don't drink, myself. It's a sin.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Irish Catholics don't drink?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56FOLK MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:02 > 0:08:03(What are you doing?)
0:08:03 > 0:08:07(Oh, I'm just taking a few little pictures for research.)
0:08:09 > 0:08:12If I knew you were coming, I'd have tidied up.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- Hey, Nancy.- Yeah?- Blow me down!
0:08:23 > 0:08:24- Oh! - What did you say? >
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Are you all right?- Yeah. Oh, God!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I'm coming, slowly but surely...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I'll just turn off this music...
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Sit down, dears. Sit down.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46I've brought you a little something to nibble on as well.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Oh, Bugles! Wow.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I didn't realise they even still made Bugles.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Here you go.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01That's a magnificent parrot.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03It's not a parrot, dear.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08He's a macaw. He's named after my late husband, Richard.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12I've had Little Dick for 40 years.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- Come along, dear. Don't be shy. It's French onion.- Oh.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Mrs Connelly, how are you feeling?
0:09:31 > 0:09:36- Why do you ask, dear? - Well, because the last time we saw you, you were quite ill.
0:09:36 > 0:09:42Oh, I had a bit of a cold, but I'm in fine fettle now.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Tell me about yourselves.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46What do you do, Alan?
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Alex.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- Alex is a writer.- Oh, a writer. Hmm.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55I always thought of that as more of a hobby than a real job.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I suppose I'm forgetting about Joyce.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Joyce. James Joyce. Of course. Wonderful writer.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04He died drunk and penniless.
0:10:06 > 0:10:13Well, Alex's first novel was published in hardback, and he's about to finish his second one.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Oh, what's it about?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Well, I like to call it an urban epic.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23It's about three generations of this family that own a printing press, and I tell a story...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25That's nice.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Let me give you a refill.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Big Dick had the taste, too.
0:10:31 > 0:10:38He was a seaman. The drink took him from me in 1963.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42We'd been married for 58 years.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46('63...)
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- So, when are you two planning on having children?- Soon.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Yeah, not for a couple of years.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55You sound just like Mr Connelly.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58We never had any children.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01It's too late for me now.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- CLOCK CHIMES - Oh, look at the time!
0:11:03 > 0:11:08- I had no idea it was so late.- Oh.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09The time's rolled on.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12We haven't had a chance to see the apartment.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Oh, dear, I'm afraid there's no time now.- Really?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17We must say goodnight.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Oh, OK.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22LOW-PITCHED SQUEAK
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Oh...!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Oh, no. That was your...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- I think it's your couch... I think the chair...- Alex.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34That was a little...
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Come along, dears. Come along.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37(How could you?)
0:11:38 > 0:11:39"A macaw.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"Any long-tailed, brightly coloured parrot."
0:11:41 > 0:11:44A macaw IS a parrot. I knew it.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Don't you think that as landlords, we have some legal right
0:11:48 > 0:11:50to see the back of her apartment if we want to?
0:11:50 > 0:11:54I mean... I'll look it up on the internet. That's what I'll do.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I wonder how old she is.
0:11:56 > 0:12:03Oh, my guess is that she's somewhere between 95 and 105.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06She looked pretty good tonight.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Yeah, she did.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12She looked kind of...healthy.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Yeah.- Mm.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- That's nice.- Yeah.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Hello, Mr Peabody...
0:12:32 > 0:12:34DISTORTED TV CHATTER
0:12:34 > 0:12:39'I saw myself in the mirror, and I thought it was my mother's tush.'
0:12:39 > 0:12:43TV PLAYS HAWAII FIVE-O THEME
0:12:44 > 0:12:45MUFFLED TV NOISE
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Mrs Connelly?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50SHOUTS: Mrs Connelly?
0:12:50 > 0:12:56- Oh, yes? Who is it?- Hi, it's Alex.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00I was wondering if you could turn down your TV, cos we can hear it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Oh, oh, I fell asleep.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Wait, I'm sorry... - That's OK.- I'll do that.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09OK. Thank you.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13FOOTSTEPS RUN
0:13:13 > 0:13:18- TV:- 'No, Starvin' Marvin, that's my potpie!- Cartman, you butt-pipe.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19'This is the time of year to share.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23'Oh, yeah, you're right. Are you going to eat your peach cobbler?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26'No, you don't want all that. Why don't you share it with me?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28'Everybody's asking me about fibre.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32'In the next few minutes, you're going to learn about an amazing...
0:13:32 > 0:13:35WOODY WOODPECKER LAUGHS
0:13:35 > 0:13:36'If I want a slimmer waist...
0:13:36 > 0:13:40'Use it on carpets! OxiClean seeks out organic stains...
0:13:40 > 0:13:42'There's no more bald jokes...'
0:13:48 > 0:13:50ALARM RINGS
0:13:50 > 0:13:51ALARM STOPS
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- I gotta go.- All right. - Have a good day.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04See you later. And finish that chapter!
0:14:04 > 0:14:05I will.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17DOOR BUZZER
0:14:19 > 0:14:21BUZZER CONTINUES
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- Good morning, Alex.- Good morning, Mrs Connelly.- I wanted to give you this back.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I won't drink it, and I thought you might want it.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Oh, thank you. That's nice of you.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34All right, if there's anything else I can do for you, let me know.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40DOOR BUZZER
0:14:41 > 0:14:44There is one thing.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't hear anything.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49It was very distinctive.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53The pipes went bang-bang, bangity-bang-bang.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Bang! Bang!
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Mm.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Well, they're not doing that any more, or it stopped, so...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I'll tell you what, though.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05If you hear it again, come get me. I'll run up and take a listen.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Oh, all right then. It's a deal.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Ooh, Alan, dear boy, I wonder...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- Alex...- Pardon?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Alex. My name's Alex.- I know.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16No, I think you said "Alan".
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Oh, no, I don't think so. I don't forget names.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Could you give me a hand with the garbage?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26We don't want to be feeding the mice.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49What in heaven's name are you doing with me drawers?
0:15:51 > 0:15:57Now, I would move the pull quote just a teeny bit so that you'll have room to squeeze in the text.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58You're such a good squeezer, Nancy.
0:15:58 > 0:16:04That's because, until yesterday, I lived in an apartment the size of a small child.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05But look at the new place.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Oh, my God!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Isn't it gorgeous?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- Yes!- There's, like, this living room / parlour area...
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Nancy, did you finish the Celebrity Scene page?- Oh, tickety-boo.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- I don't know what that means. - It means you'll have it soon.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Well, if you mean I'll have it soon, why don't you say I'll have it soon?
0:16:22 > 0:16:27"Tickety-boo" is just confusing for everybody!
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Oh!- Mr Peabody...?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- How did that get in there?- Hmm!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Alex?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- DOOR SLAMS - Alex?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Hey.- Hi!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Hi.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50How was work?
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Oh, Herman's freaking out, as usual.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59- Were you napping?- No, I was just rearranging my book collection.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- In the dark?- And then I closed my eyes for a second.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Just to think, and, you know. Is this dinner?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Mm-hm. So how was your nook?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Did you get, like, five or six million pages written?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- More like five or six words. - What happened?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Our upstairs neighbour had me doing chores for her all day.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- Really?- Yeah.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Well, you just gotta set some boundaries.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Just tell her you're working.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- She'll understand.- What is that?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Oh, I picked up a few things on the way home.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31It's an area rug. Do you love it?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Yes. How much was it? It doesn't seem to cover much of an area.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36It was 200 or something like that.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- I don't really remember... - That was 200 bucks?
0:17:38 > 0:17:44Yeah, but, you know, it's a runner, cos it goes in between the two rooms and then ties them together.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Ooh, and look! Look, look, look, look!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50It's an original Pablo Flinch.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Really?
0:17:52 > 0:17:57Cool. Is it, like, a Mayan guacamole bowl or something?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59It's a stool!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Here. Try it.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07What are we, hobbits?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09METALLIC TAPPING
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It's a water stain!
0:18:17 > 0:18:21I told Mr Rose the problem with the pipes this morning.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26They were going bang-bang bangity-bang-bang. Bang! Bang!
0:18:26 > 0:18:31Yeah, the whole bathroom could have explode.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34471 bucks? What time...?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- You were here three hours?- Yeah...
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Sweetie, these were original tiles.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- How could you not have heard the banging?- Sweetie, I was asleep!
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Napping, and in the middle of the afternoon. Shameful.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51OK, I'm not gonna pay for unauthorised repairs.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I did the work, my friend. I can rip the pipes out of the wall!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN What?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN I don't know what you're saying.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- Do it! Do it!- You do it. You wanna rip 'em out, you rip 'em out! - Alex!- What?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07OK, forget it. Plug it up. Plug it up.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I begged Mr Rose to do something. I was terrified, Nancy.
0:19:13 > 0:19:19OK, well, the next time that happens, Mrs Connelly, just call me, OK? I gave you my business card.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Alan!
0:19:20 > 0:19:26Before I forget, it's the first of the month.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Right.- 88.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Do you want to count it?
0:19:33 > 0:19:38Remember, if she bothers you, just lay down the law. Be firm, but nice.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Two positives, then a negative.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- What is that?- Psychology. Don't wait up for me.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I got to work late.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- I love you.- I love you.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00DOOR BUZZER
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Good morning, Alex.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Good morning, Mrs Connelly.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I wondered if I could ask you a quick question.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Right. You know what?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Can I just say this to you?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23You know I'm working on a book, right?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25And this book is due in about three weeks.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29And my editor is expecting it on her desk at that time, OK?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- It's a contractual deadline...- I see.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36So I have to be working on that book all the time here in my apartment, which is also my office.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39It's just like my office. If I was a lawyer, and I went off
0:20:39 > 0:20:43to an office, you couldn't knock on my door, cos you wouldn't be there.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46So let's just pretend that I'm a lawyer, OK?
0:20:46 > 0:20:52This is my office, and unless it's a really, really super-important emergency,
0:20:52 > 0:20:56OK, between the hours of 9:00 and 6:00, I'm not here.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I'm off, away in my office, OK?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01And then after 6:00, I'm here, OK?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I completely understand.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06And I apologise for bothering you.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Not at all. OK, have a good day, all right?
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- It's just...- What?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15What is it just? What is it?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22I bought a copy of your book yesterday,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25and I wondered if you'd sign it.
0:21:25 > 0:21:31Of course, if you're too busy, I can come back out of business hours.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Oh... No. That... No.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Oh, that's so nice.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39You didn't have to buy a copy, I have a million copies...
0:21:39 > 0:21:44It's money well spent. Just write something that I can treasure for years to come.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47OK.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52How about...
0:21:52 > 0:21:58"To my favourite upstairs neighbour"?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"Alex Rose." Here you go.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- And I hope you like it. - Oh, I know I will.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06OK. All right. Good day.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Alex?
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Yeah?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I know we've just had this discussion,
0:22:13 > 0:22:19but I was wondering if the firm of Rose & Rose could accompany an old lady to the pharmacy.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24It's pissing down out there! And I need to renew my monthlies.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27It won't take any time at all.
0:22:27 > 0:22:3530, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37How much is the Nicorette?
0:22:37 > 0:22:3943.97.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I lost me place.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49One, two, three...
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Eight, nine, ten...
0:22:54 > 0:22:59One, two, three...
0:22:59 > 0:23:0622, 23, 24...
0:23:06 > 0:23:1025, 26, 27, 28,
0:23:10 > 0:23:1429, and 30. OK, good?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Oh, blueberries!
0:23:20 > 0:23:24One, two, three...
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- I thought you were gonna talk to her.- I did, honey.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28I did. I was very clear with her.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30She's just...
0:23:30 > 0:23:34She manipulated me somehow.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36She manipulated you?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39She's very crafty.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43She's a crafty old...lady.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Well, I'll tell you what.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Tomorrow's gonna be better, because you know why?
0:23:49 > 0:23:56- It's gonna be Saturday, and that's our day off, and we're gonna get to sleep in. OK?- Yeah.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I promise everything will be better tomorrow, OK?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- TV:- # The Love Boat
0:24:06 > 0:24:10# Soon we'll be making another run
0:24:11 > 0:24:13# The Love Boat... #
0:24:15 > 0:24:17CRASHING
0:24:17 > 0:24:20WOMEN SHOUT AND SHRIEK
0:24:25 > 0:24:27SHOUTING CONTINUES
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Good morning!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Good morning, Nancy.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38This is Nancy Kendricks.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Hello, dear.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Are those musical instruments?
0:24:43 > 0:24:44- ALL:- Yes!
0:24:44 > 0:24:50We are a brass ensemble. We've got a concert at St Augustus on Friday.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54OUT-OF-TUNE BRASS MUSIC
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Let's go out shopping.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I'll deliver it this afternoon?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- Yes, that's great.- Hey, honey, look.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Oh! Oh, what'd you get? - Remington Royal. 50 bucks.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- How much were they asking for it? - 50 bucks.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Look, I got a peacock.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- Oh...- Isn't it great? - Cool... What does it do?
0:25:23 > 0:25:27It's there to be decorative and pretty and aesthetically pleasing.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29So what do we need a daybed for?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Oh, for all your napping.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Honey, I took one nap for two minutes. I didn't even shut my eyes.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Hey, what's in the bag?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Answer to our prayers.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Try it next to that one,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44cos then the couch will go... Whoo hoo hoo!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Wow...
0:25:52 > 0:25:55You know what I just realised that we forgot to do?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58We forgot to christen the apartment.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- That's what I was thinking.- Ohh...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I love our home!
0:26:19 > 0:26:20SHE GASPS
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Aah!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Wha...- Oh, my God!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29What was she doing?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- I don't know. You think she saw the whole thing?- Ew!
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- Hey, where are you going? - Oh, now's my chance.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- I got to get up there. - Wait. What are you gonna do?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- The answer to our problems. - Clap Me.- What does it do?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48When she falls asleep, we can control her TV from our bedroom.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53You be the lookout. If you hear her coming, go knock on the pipe, OK? Like, make a noise.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54OK. OK. OK.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56MACAW SQUAWKS
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Shut up.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58- MACAW:- Shut up.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18DOOR SQUEAKS
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- MACAW:- Hello.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Well, hello, Little Dickey.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I'm back again, aren't I?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Guess what I've got in the bag.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31I got hot dogs. Hot dogs for Dickey boy.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I'm going to give it a wee chew meself first.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38MACAW SQUAWKS
0:27:40 > 0:27:43It's so nice, Dickey. It is.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45It's so good.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Mm.
0:27:46 > 0:27:52I tell you what. Shall we have a bit of music?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54A bit of music and a bit of a dance.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58I'll put on your favourite, the tune you like the most.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00The one that was Big Dick's favourite, too.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03MUSIC PLAYS
0:28:09 > 0:28:11MACAW CHATTERS
0:28:11 > 0:28:13There's a boy.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# It's lonesome away from your kindred and all
0:28:15 > 0:28:19# By the campfire at night Where the wild dingoes call
0:28:19 > 0:28:24# But there's nothing so lonesome so dull, or so drear
0:28:24 > 0:28:29# Than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# Now the publican's anxious... #
0:28:31 > 0:28:35PIPES SQUEAL AND GROAN
0:28:37 > 0:28:39PIPES CONTINUE TO GROAN
0:28:39 > 0:28:40Holy crap!
0:28:50 > 0:28:53# Ah, ah-ah ah, ah... #
0:28:53 > 0:28:56- BANGING ON DOOR - Mrs Connelly?
0:28:56 > 0:29:02# With a thrill in my hand and a pill on my tongue
0:29:02 > 0:29:06# Dissolve the nerves that have just begun
0:29:06 > 0:29:11# Listening to Marvin all night long... #
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Ahhh...
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Mrs Connelly?
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Mrs Connelly?
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Nancy? Is that you?
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Mrs Connelly?
0:29:24 > 0:29:26Hold on a sec.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Mrs Connelly?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Oh, Nancy. What a nice surprise.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33I'll make you some tea.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35It's nice to see you here.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37We'll have some tea.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40- Oh!- And biscuits.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Ow! Ooh!
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Honey?
0:29:46 > 0:29:50Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52- Are you OK?- What happened to you?
0:29:52 > 0:29:54You were supposed to be the lookout!
0:29:54 > 0:29:56I know. I know.
0:30:01 > 0:30:02TV PLAYS LOUD MUSIC
0:30:04 > 0:30:05All right, here we go.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07- Ready?- Yeah.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13MUSIC CONTINUES
0:30:16 > 0:30:19MUSIC CONTINUES
0:30:23 > 0:30:24MUSIC CONTINUES
0:30:38 > 0:30:40MUSIC STOPS
0:30:42 > 0:30:44You're a genius!
0:30:44 > 0:30:46SHE GIGGLES
0:30:46 > 0:30:47Mmm...
0:30:51 > 0:30:54CLAPPING, MUSIC RESUMES
0:30:58 > 0:31:00CLAPPING, MUSIC STOPS
0:31:02 > 0:31:05That is so weird.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08How would she know that? How would she know how to use it?
0:31:08 > 0:31:11You didn't leave the box up there or anything, did you?
0:31:13 > 0:31:16CLAPPING, MUSIC RESUMES
0:31:20 > 0:31:23CLAPPING STOPS AND STARTS MUSIC
0:31:41 > 0:31:42MUSIC STOPS
0:31:42 > 0:31:44CLAPPING, MUSIC RESUMES
0:31:46 > 0:31:47MUSIC STOPS
0:31:47 > 0:31:49CLAPPING, MUSIC RESUMES
0:31:50 > 0:31:52MUSIC STOPS, CLAPPING RESUMES MUSIC
0:31:52 > 0:31:55CLAPS RESPOND
0:31:55 > 0:32:00CLAPPING, MUSIC STOPPING AND STARTING
0:32:05 > 0:32:07PHONE RINGS Nancy Kendricks.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10- 'Mrs Connelly - I have a favour to ask.'- Ladies!
0:32:10 > 0:32:14Emergency! Hurry! Run!
0:32:14 > 0:32:20Mrs Connelly, you know, honestly, we're going to print today, and everything's just crazy around here.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22- Can't you ask Alex? - 'I knocked and knocked.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25'He must be in a deep, deep sleep today...'
0:32:25 > 0:32:28We didn't get it until this morning.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31Nancy! Nancy! We have 27 minutes to get this to press.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Get off the phone!
0:32:33 > 0:32:35OK, thank you, Mrs Connelly...
0:32:35 > 0:32:38- Where is my new hot list? Where is it?- I'm almost done.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41- Five seconds!- OK. OK. OK. OK. OK!
0:32:43 > 0:32:46- This is it? - Yes.- Did you check it?- Yes.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48I don't want it tickety-boo.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50I want it tickety-now!
0:32:53 > 0:32:55It's good. It's cute. I like it.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57Is it, like, 800, 900 square feet?
0:32:57 > 0:33:00No, it's, like, 1,800.
0:33:00 > 0:33:01But it might seem cosy cos of the fireplaces.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03There are three fireplaces.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05So here it is. The third fireplace.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Wow. This apartment is amazing.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10I'm so glad that you like it. Phew.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Relief.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14- Wonderful collection. - Mmm, thank you.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18Yeah. Just make sure you save space for the Alex Rose first editions.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20- Ah, yes.- So...
0:33:20 > 0:33:22So, yeah.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26- How's the ending turning out? - The ending is gonna be great.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29I'm kind of circling it cos I don't want to force it.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33Just make sure you turn it in by Wednesday.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38Management's being very strict with all our mid-level authors.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41- I'm only mid-level?- Right now.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44Of course, you won't be after you hand in your masterpiece.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47We're replacing most of the furniture we have,
0:33:47 > 0:33:49but we're going for a Miller / Eames look.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51- You love Eames, Terrence. - I just got a new piece.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58Did you bring that guy with the girl in the leopard thing?
0:33:58 > 0:34:02Oh, that's Chick. That's the guy who's advising me on the Don Piper mysteries.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06- What, is he a detective or something?- No.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09He's a hired gun.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11He kills people for a living.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15- You brought a hit man into the party?- Relax. He's very discreet.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18He's got a perfectly legitimate day job as a cover.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20And what do you do, Chick?
0:34:20 > 0:34:22I'm a pornographer.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Here, let me give you a card, you know, just in case.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30She's this funny old Irish lady named Mrs Connelly,
0:34:30 > 0:34:33and she's actually in a brass ensemble at the church tonight.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36There's all sorts of incredible details.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39I mean, I can't wait for you guys to see it.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41It's beautiful. Ooh, Herman, get in here.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44THEY SCREAM
0:34:52 > 0:34:53Herman?
0:34:59 > 0:35:04Being a landlord doesn't give you the right to enter your tenant's premises anytime you feel like it.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07I just wanted my friends to have a look-see.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10You were supposed to be at the church performing.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Heavens no. It's next Friday.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15We've got a big week of practice ahead of us.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19You terrified the poor woman. Mrs Connelly, you can press charges if you want.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21No, I don't want to do that.
0:35:21 > 0:35:22They're such a nice couple.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25- Good night, now.- Good night, Mrs Connelly.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30I'm gonna be watching the two of you...
0:35:30 > 0:35:32very closely.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- Hey, Alex, right? - Hey, Chick.- How you doing?
0:35:38 > 0:35:42- Brought you a housewarming gift. - Oh, that's so sweet.
0:35:42 > 0:35:46Well, look, this is very tasteful stuff. You know, for couples.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49That is so thoughtful. Thank you.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52My card's inside Ass Patrol in case you need more.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54- All right. Take it easy. - Thanks for the party.- OK.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57I got an award for this one.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12She was supposed to be at church. You can't fire me because you got maced.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Believe me.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16I wish that's why I was firing you.
0:36:16 > 0:36:21Did you happen to see the restaurant hot list?
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Oh, my God.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32So...
0:36:36 > 0:36:38How's Mr Peabody doing?
0:36:45 > 0:36:49Alex? Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52There's no napping right now. You have to finish your book.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54We need money. I got fired.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Yeah, I know. I saw it.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Oh...you saw it.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Yeah. It's horrible. My parents read this magazine.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05Now they know my penis is called Mr Peabody.
0:37:05 > 0:37:10It wasn't my fault. She was calling me when you were napping.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13I wasn't napping, for the 1,000th time!
0:37:13 > 0:37:16OK, maybe I took a nap at one point.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18When did napping become against the law?
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Honey, I can't work here. It's impossible. I've been trying.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23I've written three pages in the last six weeks.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26Three pages. The book is due on Wednesday.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29If we don't hand in the book, I don't know what we'll do.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31We can't pay for anything - for the runners, the stools,
0:37:31 > 0:37:34we can't pay for the tangelo bowl you like.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38We can't pay for your little happy mug-vase thing.
0:37:38 > 0:37:44Well, what if you got out of the house and went to write at, like, a Starbucks or something?
0:37:44 > 0:37:49And what? You're gonna stay here and try to find work while she has you running around doing things for her?
0:37:49 > 0:37:53Doing all the little errands, the chores she asks you to do?
0:37:53 > 0:37:55I don't think you could take it.
0:37:55 > 0:38:00I mean, I love you, but, honestly, I've been there, and I don't think you could take it.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04I can take it. I'll be fine.
0:38:04 > 0:38:08OUT-OF-TUNE BRASS ENSEMBLE PLAYS
0:38:20 > 0:38:22DOOR BUZZER
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Nancy?
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Hello, Mrs Connelly.
0:38:28 > 0:38:33Nancy, dear. I couldn't help noticing that Alex left the house this morning while you stayed home.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35I was downsized from my job.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Aw, I'm sorry.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40But I'm sure it's for the best.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Let Mr Rose get out there and bring home the bacon.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45I always thought it was strange.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49A husband staying home while you were out there providing.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52- Well, he's a writer.- Writer.
0:38:52 > 0:38:56The man naps more than a newborn pup.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58What's he writing about? Sheep?
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Is there something, Mrs Connelly?
0:39:01 > 0:39:04Oh, I guess you could say there was something.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07I've got something on display in me kitchen.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11That is not a mouse dropping.
0:39:11 > 0:39:12It's a raisin.
0:39:12 > 0:39:17- That is the leavings of a mouse. - It's a raisin.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24I sprayed it with Lysol.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26Ohh.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32And she puts on this sweet face, and she acts all innocent.
0:39:32 > 0:39:37IN IRISH ACCENT: "Nancy, could you help me?
0:39:38 > 0:39:41"I think I found the leavings of a mouse."
0:39:42 > 0:39:45As if she didn't know it was a raisin.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57I've never designed religious leaflets, per se.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59One o'clock?
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Great, Rabbi. Thank you so much.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04- Nancy?- OK.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Nancy?
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Nancy? Are you down there?
0:40:10 > 0:40:12What is it, Mrs Connelly?
0:40:12 > 0:40:16Little Dickey's caught in the dumbwaiter shaft.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Well, how did he get there? Aah!
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Oh, don't hurt him.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Oh, ooh, Dickey boy. Oh, careful.
0:40:30 > 0:40:35- Aah!- Shame on you.
0:40:35 > 0:40:39Scaring a helpless, little macaw like that.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44This is not going well.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47I told you she's a mean, crafty old lady.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50At this rate, I'm never going to finish the book in time. Damn rent control.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52I wish we could just kick her out.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55What if we tried being nice to her?
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Maybe we could get her a gift.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59- A gift?- Yeah.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01And ask her if she wouldn't mind leaving.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03We ASK her?
0:41:03 > 0:41:05- Yeah.- Just ask her?
0:41:05 > 0:41:07Maybe it'll take a little begging, but nicely.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Well, she might go for begging.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23There's a chart that shows what's inside of each chocolate.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26That's all right, dear.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29Mrs Connelly, let me come right to the point.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Alex and I are trying to have a baby.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33I saw.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35In the living room.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Right.
0:41:37 > 0:41:41The thing is, when we do have our baby, we're going to need the upstairs.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43I don't understand, dear.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46We're willing to pay you something.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49You want me to leave?
0:41:49 > 0:41:55Don't you think you'd be more comfortable with people who are more in your demographic?
0:41:55 > 0:41:58In sunny Miami Beach.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02I'm Irish.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04I'd sizzle up like a sausage.
0:42:04 > 0:42:09- Besides, this is my home.- Home.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15The Emerald Isle, hmm?
0:42:15 > 0:42:18Back to the old sod.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20Well, now,
0:42:20 > 0:42:22there's a thought.
0:42:22 > 0:42:27I haven't been back home for 50 years.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Ooh.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31A caramel.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43So, about Ireland...
0:42:43 > 0:42:46And you moving there.
0:42:46 > 0:42:50Most likely they have television now?
0:42:50 > 0:42:54- Oh.- Of course they do.- Yeah, colour.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06I've made up me mind.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08I'll do...!
0:43:16 > 0:43:18Mrs Connelly! She's choking!
0:43:18 > 0:43:22- Oh, God!- Mrs Connelly.- Do something! Oh, God! Ooh, Alex! Alex!
0:43:22 > 0:43:25Come on! Come on!
0:43:25 > 0:43:27- Yeah, good.- Come on! Come on!
0:43:32 > 0:43:34- Phew!- Oh, my God!
0:43:34 > 0:43:36Oh!
0:43:36 > 0:43:41Clear!
0:43:41 > 0:43:44- Alex, what are you doing?- CPR! - Wait! Stop it!
0:43:44 > 0:43:46Stop it!
0:43:46 > 0:43:50Oh, God. One, two, three, four, five.
0:43:50 > 0:43:53OK, give her mouth to mouth.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55Oh, no. Really?
0:43:55 > 0:43:57- Yes. Yes, do it!- OK.
0:43:57 > 0:43:58No, you got to blow in her mouth.
0:43:58 > 0:44:00Come on.
0:44:01 > 0:44:06One breath, come on. One, two, three, four, five.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08OK, again.
0:44:08 > 0:44:11OK, one breath. That's it. One, two,
0:44:11 > 0:44:15three, four, five. Again!
0:44:18 > 0:44:20SHE COUGHS
0:44:26 > 0:44:29What are you doing?
0:44:29 > 0:44:33You were choking on a chocolate.
0:44:34 > 0:44:38You choked on a chocolate.
0:44:40 > 0:44:42Oh.
0:44:43 > 0:44:46Oh. Oh.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49Go on, Mrs Connelly.
0:44:49 > 0:44:51The last thing I remember,
0:44:51 > 0:44:53I ate one of their chocolates.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55And when I woke up,
0:44:55 > 0:44:57he was having his way.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59And she was holding me down.
0:44:59 > 0:45:01No, I was trying to save her life.
0:45:01 > 0:45:04He stole me drawers once
0:45:04 > 0:45:06for sniffing.
0:45:06 > 0:45:09That's ridiculous. She was choking on the chocolate, so I did...
0:45:09 > 0:45:12Shut up!
0:45:12 > 0:45:15We keep a list of people like you down here at the station.
0:45:15 > 0:45:17The sexual predator list.
0:45:20 > 0:45:24- Sexual predator?- And to think they want to have children.
0:45:24 > 0:45:27We should've just let her choke.
0:45:27 > 0:45:29Oh, I know.
0:45:41 > 0:45:43What can I get you?
0:45:43 > 0:45:45I got 12 hours to finish this book.
0:45:45 > 0:45:48- I was wondering if I could sit here and write all day? - Be my guest.- Thanks.
0:46:01 > 0:46:03Nancy.
0:46:03 > 0:46:05I was going to ring you.
0:46:05 > 0:46:09I'm afraid there's a bit of a problem up here.
0:46:09 > 0:46:12I have to go on a job interview, so I'll take care of it later.
0:46:12 > 0:46:15Oh, that's OK. I'll ring the rug man.
0:46:23 > 0:46:24Good. Knock it in.
0:46:24 > 0:46:27Knock it in good.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30I don't want to slip and break me neck.
0:46:30 > 0:46:31No, we wouldn't want that.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34This is the problem area here.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37It's loose as a Dublin whore.
0:46:37 > 0:46:39Oh, go on, knock it in.
0:46:43 > 0:46:46Yes!
0:46:46 > 0:46:50Now, just knock it in. Go on, knock.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52Come on, use some elbow grease.
0:46:52 > 0:46:55Aah! OK, I will.
0:47:01 > 0:47:03You threw her down the stairs?
0:47:05 > 0:47:08No. But I imagined it.
0:47:08 > 0:47:11And I liked it.
0:47:13 > 0:47:17I'm evil. I'm a horrible, horrible person.
0:47:17 > 0:47:18Thank you.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21Come on, she's practically ruined our lives.
0:47:21 > 0:47:24- It's natural to have thoughts like that.- Really?
0:47:24 > 0:47:26Yeah.
0:47:26 > 0:47:28I mean, I've even had a couple.
0:47:28 > 0:47:30Aah!
0:47:33 > 0:47:35Like what?
0:47:35 > 0:47:39Just, you know, snapping her neck or electrocuting her.
0:47:41 > 0:47:46Just beating her to death, decapitating her, drowning her,
0:47:46 > 0:47:51just, you know, bludgeoning her, in a humane way, but...
0:47:51 > 0:47:54Dicing her up into little, little pieces.
0:47:54 > 0:47:59But asphyxiating her first so she didn't feel anything.
0:47:59 > 0:48:00I'm glad you clarified that.
0:48:00 > 0:48:03You're evil, too.
0:48:03 > 0:48:07I'm finished. That's what I am.
0:48:07 > 0:48:10And it was incredible. The last 60 pages just poured out of me.
0:48:10 > 0:48:13Let's open that really great champagne and celebrate.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15Alex?!
0:48:15 > 0:48:17Alex?! Nancy?!
0:48:17 > 0:48:19Ooh!
0:48:19 > 0:48:24Come quick. A huge rat just ran under me cupboard.
0:48:24 > 0:48:26Oh, come. Come on, quick.
0:48:26 > 0:48:29- Quick, Alex!- I'll pop the cork.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31I'll be right back. Are you sure it was a rat, Mrs Connelly?
0:48:31 > 0:48:33- I saw its face.- You saw its face?
0:48:35 > 0:48:40All right, let's see if we can't find this big, bad rat.
0:48:40 > 0:48:42You sure it might not have been a dust bunny?
0:48:42 > 0:48:45- Cos sometimes they look rodent-like. - Aah!
0:48:45 > 0:48:46The rat!
0:48:46 > 0:48:48Where?
0:48:48 > 0:48:50- There!- Oh. Oh, that's not a rat.
0:48:50 > 0:48:53- That's like a little field mouse. - Alan!
0:48:55 > 0:48:59- Your purse fell into the fire. - Oh, no.- Alan!
0:49:01 > 0:49:03Oh, don't! Oh, don't!
0:49:03 > 0:49:06My book! Ow!
0:49:06 > 0:49:08Oh, Alan! Oh! Oh!
0:49:10 > 0:49:12You'll burn yourself!
0:49:14 > 0:49:17Door! Nancy, door! Get the door!
0:49:17 > 0:49:18Nancy, door!
0:49:18 > 0:49:21- Is that your book? OK. Oh!- Door!
0:49:21 > 0:49:23OK! Oh, my God!
0:49:25 > 0:49:28- Oh!- No!- No!
0:49:33 > 0:49:36No! No! No!
0:49:36 > 0:49:41- Alex! Stop!- No, stop! Aah! No! No!
0:49:47 > 0:49:49No!
0:49:58 > 0:50:00I swear she did that on purpose.
0:50:17 > 0:50:20And now here's tonight's Health Watch.
0:50:20 > 0:50:23'A deadly virus has hit New York City. Doctors warn
0:50:23 > 0:50:27'that this particular strain is extremely dangerous in children under five
0:50:27 > 0:50:28'and especially to the elderly.
0:50:28 > 0:50:32'Symptoms include high fever, accompanied by nausea and violent diarrhoea.'
0:50:35 > 0:50:37Mr Rose?
0:50:37 > 0:50:41Would you sprinkle some salt on the steps? They're terribly icy.
0:50:41 > 0:50:44You'd better not go outside then. Whoa! Ow!
0:50:47 > 0:50:50Ow!
0:50:50 > 0:50:52Mother...
0:50:54 > 0:50:57A giant tow truck runs it over,
0:50:57 > 0:51:00followed by an SUV that it was dragging.
0:51:00 > 0:51:03- Alex, that's horrible.- I know.
0:51:03 > 0:51:06I know. Can you believe it?
0:51:06 > 0:51:09No, I can't.
0:51:09 > 0:51:10I tried to warn you, Alex.
0:51:10 > 0:51:16- We're cancelling every contract that's in breach.- In breach?
0:51:16 > 0:51:19I have the crushed PowerBook.
0:51:19 > 0:51:20I'm sorry, darling.
0:51:20 > 0:51:25If you put as much energy into your work as you do into excuses, you might have made the deadline.
0:51:25 > 0:51:27- Do you have the shark?- Yes, we do.
0:51:27 > 0:51:31Excellent. I'm going to have that, no bones.
0:51:40 > 0:51:44COUGHING
0:52:05 > 0:52:07Hi.
0:52:23 > 0:52:26How do you feel?
0:52:26 > 0:52:27Like I'm knocking on death's door.
0:52:36 > 0:52:38Well, look who's here.
0:52:38 > 0:52:40Come in, both of you.
0:52:40 > 0:52:42Hi, Mrs Connelly.
0:52:42 > 0:52:45- Happy Thanksgiving.- Oh, thank you.
0:52:45 > 0:52:49- How are you?- Oh, I'm grand.
0:52:49 > 0:52:50But how are the two of you?
0:52:50 > 0:52:53You look rather sallow.
0:52:53 > 0:52:55No, no. We're fine.
0:52:55 > 0:52:58- We brought you some popcorn.- Oh.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01Oh, how lovely. I adore popcorn.
0:53:01 > 0:53:04So does Little Dick.
0:53:04 > 0:53:07So, did you have a nice Thanksgiving dinner?
0:53:07 > 0:53:14Oh, yes, dear. That lovely Italian lady in the post office brought me a sumptuous dinner.
0:53:14 > 0:53:18The only problem is some of the carcass didn't go down the disposal.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23That's cos you don't have a disposal.
0:53:23 > 0:53:25I don't?
0:53:36 > 0:53:39It's really stuffed up.
0:54:00 > 0:54:02All right!
0:54:04 > 0:54:07If you ask me, you two have got some sort of bug.
0:54:10 > 0:54:15Thank God Officer Dan took me to have a flu shot last week.
0:54:15 > 0:54:18Upchuck is a delicacy for Little Dick.
0:54:18 > 0:54:20He's salivating.
0:54:22 > 0:54:27- How much can we get, Kenneth? - That depends on how far you're willing to drop the price.
0:54:27 > 0:54:30First of all, you way overpaid.
0:54:30 > 0:54:34- And then you got that tenant. - You said she was a sweet old lady.
0:54:34 > 0:54:36Oh, I can't imagine those words coming out of my mouth.
0:54:36 > 0:54:40- So you're saying that we're stuck in this hellhole?- Yeah.
0:54:40 > 0:54:43Unless you're willing to take a huge, huge loss.
0:54:43 > 0:54:46- How huge?- Huge, huge.
0:54:46 > 0:54:49We're just totally screwed, right?
0:54:49 > 0:54:50Yeah.
0:54:50 > 0:54:52I would say screwed is apt.
0:54:52 > 0:54:55Do you think that Jean would ever give you a second chance?
0:54:55 > 0:54:57No. No, it's over.
0:54:57 > 0:55:00How could I have time to rewrite my novel and do my faithful servant duty
0:55:00 > 0:55:07to her as her little indentured servant person, her little butt boy? I mean, I got a lot of duties.
0:55:07 > 0:55:10Cos she might need me to count grapes with her
0:55:10 > 0:55:14or help her fix her heater or go take her to the laundry.
0:55:14 > 0:55:16Or I got to go help her clean her banana skins
0:55:16 > 0:55:17and I got to go help her clean out her garbage
0:55:17 > 0:55:20or I've got to go help her fill her monthlies out, or wipe her ass!
0:55:20 > 0:55:23God forbid she should have any shit hanging off her ass!
0:55:23 > 0:55:26- Alex...- No. Really. Cos then I got to run up there like a little bunny
0:55:26 > 0:55:30and I have to go up there with my little tissue and I got to go wipe her little ass.
0:55:30 > 0:55:33And then I have to go, "Oh, good for you, Mrs Connelly,
0:55:33 > 0:55:35"You got some poopy on your diapie?
0:55:35 > 0:55:38- "Ooh, let me go and clean it off with my tongue!"- Excuse me, sir.
0:55:38 > 0:55:42- I mean, enough is enough!- Excuse me.
0:55:42 > 0:55:44Off we go, Dickey boy.
0:55:46 > 0:55:51OK. OK, come on. We don't have that much time.
0:55:51 > 0:55:55I know. She's running errands. That only gives us 12 hours.
0:55:57 > 0:56:01You, there. Me, there.
0:56:14 > 0:56:17A little salt in her sugar bowl.
0:56:17 > 0:56:19Hey, come check this out!
0:56:19 > 0:56:20Roger.
0:56:22 > 0:56:26- Alex? - Tripped on the rug. I'm all right.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28You sure you know what you're doing?
0:56:28 > 0:56:31- Yeah, I rewired the lamp in your office.- Cool.
0:56:31 > 0:56:35Cos if the shock doesn't get her, a little bit of gas poisoning should.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37Out goes pilot one.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41Out goes pilot two.
0:56:43 > 0:56:46An hour at 375 ought to do it.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48Did you remember to blow out
0:56:48 > 0:56:50- the pilot for the oven?- Oh.- Honey.
0:57:13 > 0:57:15Alex.
0:57:15 > 0:57:17The stain is dripping on us.
0:57:17 > 0:57:20I know.
0:57:20 > 0:57:22Isn't it soothing?
0:57:42 > 0:57:46- Alex. - Hi. We got a water stain downstairs, so I got to look at the pipes.
0:57:46 > 0:57:49What in God's name's happened to your face?
0:57:49 > 0:57:51Oh, I just fell asleep in one of those tanning machines. I'm OK.
0:57:51 > 0:57:53You look like a roast mutton.
0:57:55 > 0:57:57How are you doing, mutton head?
0:57:57 > 0:57:59I'm almost done.
0:57:59 > 0:58:00Ah!
0:58:19 > 0:58:27On the average, she gets up to change the channel 19 times a night walking this 48-inch footpath.
0:58:27 > 0:58:30By the time she gets to the end of that Hawaii Five-O marathon next week,
0:58:30 > 0:58:34- the acid should have eaten through the floorboards. - And we'll finally be happy.
0:58:34 > 0:58:37It wasn't our fault, Officer Dan. Find the plumber.
0:58:37 > 0:58:39- He's the one that fixed the pipes. - Right?- Right.
0:58:39 > 0:58:42THEY LAUGH
0:58:46 > 0:58:49You know, we might want to get a hotel room this weekend, just in case.
0:58:51 > 0:58:56Sweetie, now that we have a hole in the ceiling, I thought maybe
0:58:56 > 0:59:00- it could be a new place for the staircase to go.- Yeah. Looks good.
0:59:04 > 0:59:05Where are you going?
0:59:05 > 0:59:09A little insurance.
0:59:09 > 0:59:12Alex, no! Not Mr Peacock.
0:59:12 > 0:59:15Honey, Mr Peacock's going to have to take one for the team, OK?
0:59:17 > 0:59:20MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS
0:59:34 > 0:59:35That's it.
0:59:35 > 0:59:40She's watching Riverdance. I didn't know people still watched Riverdance.
0:59:52 > 0:59:56You know, this is actually harder than it looks.
1:00:05 > 1:00:06Holy Mary and Joseph!
1:00:06 > 1:00:10I could have fallen right through.
1:00:14 > 1:00:17The floorboards here, they're rotten to the core.
1:00:17 > 1:00:20A while back she hired this Russian guy to fix the pipes.
1:00:20 > 1:00:24And I don't know if you noticed, but there's all this water damage that he left.
1:00:24 > 1:00:28With all due respect to Mr D, Alex,
1:00:28 > 1:00:34you were up here yourself fiddling with me pipes a few days ago.
1:00:34 > 1:00:38Fiddling with her pipes, huh? Now, that's another fine right there.
1:00:38 > 1:00:42- For what?- You can't plumb without a license in New York City.
1:00:42 > 1:00:45PLUMB? I can't PLUMB?
1:00:46 > 1:00:48Are you sassing me, Mr Rose?
1:00:48 > 1:00:49He's not sassing you.
1:00:49 > 1:00:51Yeah, no, I'm not sassing you.
1:00:51 > 1:00:54- I'm not.- I didn't think so.
1:00:54 > 1:00:59Cos I know a city building inspector that eats chickenshit slumlords like you for lunch.
1:00:59 > 1:01:03- You got it? - I get it. You know, slumlord...
1:01:03 > 1:01:06And you're going to buy Mrs Connelly a brand new TV.
1:01:06 > 1:01:10In fact, Miss Connelly,
1:01:10 > 1:01:14- I'm going to pick it out myself. - Oh! Could you get one of those clappy things?
1:01:14 > 1:01:18It makes my viewing so much easier.
1:01:25 > 1:01:27Smoke. Smoke, smoke.
1:01:27 > 1:01:32- Loot, loot.- Gun?- What?
1:01:32 > 1:01:34Gun.
1:01:38 > 1:01:40- Gun?- Gun?
1:01:45 > 1:01:47So this is what it's come to?
1:01:49 > 1:01:51I guess so.
1:01:59 > 1:02:02I don't think I've ever held a gun be...
1:02:02 > 1:02:03- Aah!- Aah!
1:02:11 > 1:02:15I think I've got everything I need here. We've got an unlicensed gun charge,
1:02:15 > 1:02:18- and then pending an investigation... - It was an accident.
1:02:18 > 1:02:23It's my experience that wives don't accidentally shoot their husbands in the penis.
1:02:23 > 1:02:28And as much as this particular man might deserve it, spousal abuse
1:02:28 > 1:02:31is a very serious crime in this state.
1:02:33 > 1:02:35You two have a good night.
1:02:40 > 1:02:42He thinks you're abusing me.
1:02:42 > 1:02:44Well, you did shoot me.
1:02:45 > 1:02:48You're very lucky.
1:02:48 > 1:02:53Your hand deflected the bullet away from the tissue of the actual organ and just nicked the scrotum.
1:02:53 > 1:02:57What about the, you know,
1:02:57 > 1:02:58the berries?
1:03:02 > 1:03:04Oh.
1:03:04 > 1:03:06MUSIC: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye
1:03:09 > 1:03:11You feel that?
1:03:14 > 1:03:15Yes. Mm-hmm.
1:03:15 > 1:03:22That's good. OK. I'm going to run a few more tests, but I think you should be out of here by tomorrow.
1:03:25 > 1:03:27Poor Mr Peabody.
1:03:27 > 1:03:29He took one for the team.
1:03:29 > 1:03:34- I just think that we're going about this murder thing all wrong. - You think?!
1:03:34 > 1:03:37Maybe we should just keep it simple.
1:03:43 > 1:03:49- This is so NOT simple. - Yeah, but you know she triple locks the front door at night.
1:03:49 > 1:03:52A little more, a little more. OK.
1:04:10 > 1:04:11Where is she?
1:04:13 > 1:04:16Maybe she's in her chair.
1:04:33 > 1:04:36You caught me.
1:04:36 > 1:04:40I can't help but sneak a fag once in a blue moon.
1:04:40 > 1:04:43We...
1:04:43 > 1:04:47We thought that you might be cold, so we brought you an extra pillow.
1:04:47 > 1:04:50Oh, such consideration.
1:04:50 > 1:04:55So unlike the other landlords.
1:04:55 > 1:05:00Many have passed through the dwelling below,
1:05:00 > 1:05:06but I just know you two have come to stay.
1:05:06 > 1:05:11Officer Dan put in me new television.
1:05:11 > 1:05:1352 inches.
1:05:13 > 1:05:20And he gave me these noise boxes, there and by me chair.
1:05:20 > 1:05:23So it's like I'm in the cinema.
1:05:23 > 1:05:28Oh, it's going to be so wonderful here.
1:05:28 > 1:05:32You two lovelies...
1:05:32 > 1:05:34me...
1:05:34 > 1:05:37Officer Dan.
1:05:37 > 1:05:44We're going to be one big, happy family.
1:05:44 > 1:05:52The Irish have a saying that it's unlucky to come in one door and go out of another.
1:05:52 > 1:05:54Something to do with the dead.
1:05:54 > 1:05:57Evil spirits and the like.
1:05:59 > 1:06:01Good night, now.
1:06:13 > 1:06:15Do you know what, dears?
1:06:15 > 1:06:19I think I've enough warmth...
1:06:19 > 1:06:22as it is.
1:06:27 > 1:06:28Night.
1:06:33 > 1:06:36That was, without question, the weirdest seven minutes of my life.
1:06:36 > 1:06:38SOMEONE CLAPS
1:06:38 > 1:06:40LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
1:06:44 > 1:06:49Captain Connelly battled waves twice the size of that!
1:06:49 > 1:06:51Didn't he, Little Dick?
1:06:58 > 1:07:01We're just going to be one big, happy family!
1:07:10 > 1:07:15Is it us?! Are we doing such a bad job of trying to kill her?!
1:07:15 > 1:07:17It's not our fault! She's a freak of nature!
1:07:25 > 1:07:28- Hey! I thought you were supposed to get rid of these.- I did!
1:07:28 > 1:07:31- It's strange. I don't know how that got there.- Yeah, right.
1:07:31 > 1:07:34Ass Patrol!
1:07:34 > 1:07:36Hand me that Ass Patrol.
1:07:52 > 1:07:59Now, depending on her mood, she could be watching TV over here or sneaking a cigarette over there.
1:07:59 > 1:08:02I realise this is just horribly cluttered.
1:08:02 > 1:08:05When we get in there, we're going to go for a cleaner look.
1:08:05 > 1:08:08- Nancy?- What?- It's...
1:08:08 > 1:08:10Sorry.
1:08:10 > 1:08:13What's the easiest way into this hag's place?
1:08:13 > 1:08:14Well, we found the...
1:08:16 > 1:08:18..dumbwaiter to be rather effective.
1:08:18 > 1:08:22Yeah, and you really don't have to pull that hard to climb it.
1:08:22 > 1:08:25You know, we could even leave the back door open for you.
1:08:25 > 1:08:29So, Chick, how much is this going to set us back?
1:08:29 > 1:08:3125K.
1:08:31 > 1:08:35Oh... Tw... OK. Cos we had had a slightly different figure
1:08:35 > 1:08:37in our heads.
1:08:37 > 1:08:41We were thinking maybe something a little closer to, like...
1:08:43 > 1:08:45..half a K.
1:08:47 > 1:08:50The bottom-line price for wet work is 25,000.
1:08:53 > 1:08:55OK.
1:08:57 > 1:09:00When do you think you could do it?
1:09:00 > 1:09:02I'll do it Thursday night.
1:09:02 > 1:09:03- Christmas Eve?- Yeah.
1:09:03 > 1:09:06I got a little function. Then I'll swing by and get it done.
1:09:06 > 1:09:09Put the cash in the dumbwaiter. Got it?
1:09:09 > 1:09:13- Got it.- OK.- Cool.
1:09:13 > 1:09:16- Don't forget your computer. - Thank you so much.
1:09:21 > 1:09:23Good night.
1:09:26 > 1:09:31OK, now all we need is 25,000.
1:09:31 > 1:09:33'Piper grabbed the leash of the only partner he'd ever known,
1:09:33 > 1:09:37'and the private eye and his Jack Russell headed downtown.
1:09:37 > 1:09:40'I guess it's just one of those things worth killing for, huh?'
1:09:40 > 1:09:42APPLAUSE
1:09:42 > 1:09:46We'll take a break and come back for some Q&A.
1:09:46 > 1:09:47Dental surgery.
1:09:47 > 1:09:4925,000?!
1:09:49 > 1:09:53The thing is, with Nancy losing her job, and with the mortgage and now with me
1:09:53 > 1:09:59losing my book contract, things have gotten desperate, and I wouldn't even be asking if it wasn't serious.
1:10:02 > 1:10:05- Did you get the money? - No. He didn't think I needed it.
1:10:05 > 1:10:10But I did get a nice, new, signed first edition for my collection.
1:10:10 > 1:10:12He wrote it in four days. Want to know how?
1:10:12 > 1:10:13Listen to this.
1:10:13 > 1:10:19Let's see. OK. "Her hair was bright yellow like the colour of your pee after you take a multivitamin".
1:10:19 > 1:10:22It's a nice metaphor, asshole!
1:10:22 > 1:10:24Stupid, freaking asshole!
1:10:24 > 1:10:26I hate you and your stupid Don Piper mystery
1:10:26 > 1:10:29and your stupid pregnant wife who's going to have a little baby
1:10:29 > 1:10:33that has a freaking six-pack because its mother never eats!
1:10:33 > 1:10:35Honey.
1:10:37 > 1:10:39Honey, we're going to get that money.
1:10:39 > 1:10:41How?
1:10:41 > 1:10:45How are we going to get 25,000 in two days?
1:10:50 > 1:10:54MUSIC: "Jingle Bells"
1:10:59 > 1:11:03# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... #
1:11:03 > 1:11:05No.
1:11:05 > 1:11:07Not Mr Peacock.
1:11:09 > 1:11:11# Take a look in the five and ten
1:11:11 > 1:11:13# Glistening once again
1:11:13 > 1:11:18# With candy canes and silver lanes aglow
1:11:18 > 1:11:23# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
1:11:23 > 1:11:26# Toys in every store
1:11:26 > 1:11:29# But the prettiest sight to see
1:11:29 > 1:11:31# Is the holly that will be
1:11:31 > 1:11:36# On your own front door. #
1:11:38 > 1:11:40DOOR CREAKS
1:12:04 > 1:12:06BUZZER RINGS
1:12:08 > 1:12:11# Jingle bells jingle bells Jingle all the way
1:12:11 > 1:12:14# Oh what fun it is to ride
1:12:14 > 1:12:16# In a one-horse open sleigh hey!
1:12:16 > 1:12:18# Jingle bells jingle bells
1:12:18 > 1:12:21# Jingle all the way
1:12:21 > 1:12:22# Oh what fun... #
1:12:33 > 1:12:34Merry Christmas!
1:12:36 > 1:12:40That's good, kids. Now, you save those voices for the neighbours, OK?
1:12:40 > 1:12:43Officer Dan, what a pleasant surprise.
1:12:43 > 1:12:45What can we do for you?
1:12:45 > 1:12:48I have some holiday cookies I want to take up to Miss Connelly.
1:12:48 > 1:12:51Oh, OK. Oh, that's nice.
1:12:51 > 1:12:53- No. I'll take them up myself. - I'll bring them up for you.
1:12:53 > 1:12:55If you don't mind...
1:13:00 > 1:13:02I don't...
1:13:02 > 1:13:05I don't think she's even up there.
1:13:05 > 1:13:07She's not, so you should just leave it at the door.
1:13:20 > 1:13:21Ow!
1:13:21 > 1:13:23Hey! Cut that out.
1:13:27 > 1:13:29Stop it.
1:13:29 > 1:13:31Hey! Stop it!
1:13:31 > 1:13:33What the heck is going on? There are kids here.
1:13:35 > 1:13:37I knew there was domestic abuse in this house.
1:13:37 > 1:13:40I'm going to come back in ten minutes. Come on, kids. Let's go.
1:13:40 > 1:13:42Good save.
1:13:43 > 1:13:44MACAW SQUAWKS
1:13:47 > 1:13:48I knew they'd send a pro.
1:13:53 > 1:13:54Aah!
1:13:56 > 1:13:58Aah! You shot me!
1:13:58 > 1:14:00I've got you, you brute!
1:14:00 > 1:14:05- Who are ya, bringing a knife to a gunfight?- Let go of me!
1:14:12 > 1:14:15- What's he doing?- He's doing his job.
1:14:18 > 1:14:22If you want to dance with me, you've got to buy me a drink first.
1:14:22 > 1:14:24Ow! OW!
1:14:27 > 1:14:30Is that smoke?!
1:14:30 > 1:14:32Ow. Ah!
1:14:32 > 1:14:35Get off me, you crazy bitch!
1:15:30 > 1:15:33- Wait, wait.- What? What?
1:15:38 > 1:15:40- You all right? OK?- Yeah.
1:15:40 > 1:15:43- Where's Little Dickey? - Dickey, Dickey.
1:15:43 > 1:15:46Here you go. Here, here.
1:15:46 > 1:15:49Oh, Dick. Dickey.
1:15:49 > 1:15:51Hello.
1:15:51 > 1:15:56- Never thought you had it in you. - Thank God, I bought that fire extinguisher.
1:15:56 > 1:15:59We were just trying to help her out.
1:15:59 > 1:16:02- Her and Little Dickey. - I'll just write this citation up for electricity.
1:16:02 > 1:16:04Thank you. Thanks.
1:16:15 > 1:16:19Believe it or not, I need two more autographs, and that will be it.
1:16:19 > 1:16:21So how's the new place?
1:16:21 > 1:16:24- It's cute.- I'll tell you, the Bronx is an up and coming borough.
1:16:24 > 1:16:26You didn't lie, Kenneth.
1:16:26 > 1:16:30- It all looks incredible.- I told you they'd fix it up, didn't I?
1:16:30 > 1:16:32- Friedmans, meet Alex and Nancy.- Hi.
1:16:32 > 1:16:35- Hey.- We can't thank you enough.
1:16:35 > 1:16:38This is just a dream house. It's so quiet.
1:16:38 > 1:16:40Honey, won't this be perfect for your sleep disorder?
1:16:40 > 1:16:43- I'm drowsy already.- Hey, who wants to run upstairs and say hello?
1:16:43 > 1:16:45Well, we should get going.
1:16:45 > 1:16:49- We should. We have to...- Nonsense!
1:16:49 > 1:16:52You pulled the woman out of a burning building.
1:16:52 > 1:16:56You'd break her heart if you didn't take a moment to say goodbye. Come on!
1:16:56 > 1:17:00Mrs Connelly, I brought you a surprise!
1:17:00 > 1:17:02Mrs Connelly!
1:17:02 > 1:17:04The hearing on this one.
1:17:04 > 1:17:07Look who's here. She's asleep.
1:17:07 > 1:17:09Sweetheart.
1:17:12 > 1:17:14She's stiff as a board.
1:17:14 > 1:17:18No. She's just hard of hearing.
1:17:18 > 1:17:20Mrs Connelly!
1:17:27 > 1:17:29She's dead.
1:17:29 > 1:17:32Oh, poor thing.
1:17:32 > 1:17:35No. She can't be dead.
1:17:35 > 1:17:38I guess it was just her time.
1:17:39 > 1:17:42Come on, I'll call the Friedmans.
1:17:42 > 1:17:45You don't have to stay here for this. You've done enough. Come.
1:17:45 > 1:17:46Come, come, come.
1:17:49 > 1:17:51Must have been all the excitement.
1:18:12 > 1:18:15I can't believe it.
1:18:15 > 1:18:16She was so full of life.
1:18:16 > 1:18:19I mean...
1:18:19 > 1:18:25for all our differences, that old lady really had a lot of...
1:18:25 > 1:18:26spunk.
1:18:26 > 1:18:28A LOT of it.
1:18:29 > 1:18:31Do you think she's up in heaven?
1:18:33 > 1:18:34Well, I'll tell you something.
1:18:34 > 1:18:36Wherever she is,
1:18:36 > 1:18:38she's in a better place.
1:18:45 > 1:18:48You should have seen their faces when I said she was a goner.
1:18:48 > 1:18:50I thought they were going to faint right there on spot.
1:18:50 > 1:18:53I wish I could have been there.
1:18:53 > 1:18:57Trust me. It wasn't easy holding me breath all that long.
1:18:57 > 1:19:00Next time, I want a bigger cut of your commission, Kenny.
1:19:00 > 1:19:03What are you talking about? We give you everything, Ma.
1:19:03 > 1:19:07There's barely enough left for Danny and I to have a cruise to the Caribbean.
1:19:07 > 1:19:11- I'm the one putting me caboose on the line.- Oh, come on.
1:19:11 > 1:19:13You had it easy with Alex and Nancy.
1:19:13 > 1:19:17They were a nice couple. I do hope they'll be all right.
1:19:17 > 1:19:19Ah, they'll be fine.
1:19:19 > 1:19:20He's a writer. They thrive on adversity.
1:19:20 > 1:19:24I hope his next book is better than his last one.
1:19:24 > 1:19:28Maybe this time he'll write about something he knows.
1:19:31 > 1:19:34Alex and Nancy's dream house may have been too good to be true.
1:19:34 > 1:19:37But did they live happily ever after?
1:19:37 > 1:19:39Well, read the book.
1:19:40 > 1:19:42TWO CLAPS
1:19:49 > 1:19:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
1:19:52 > 1:19:55E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk