0:00:12 > 0:00:16We're approaching target area, a mile from your DZ.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18You ready, WD-40?
0:00:19 > 0:00:22I never felt more ready in my life.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Oh, man! Steele, you crazy fool!
0:00:29 > 0:00:34- TAPE: - 'This is the "Free World's In Double Jeopardy" round of your mission.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37'He's a criminal mastermind
0:00:37 > 0:00:42'and an international arms dealer who has sold a Scorpion missile
0:00:42 > 0:00:47'to Middle Eastern terrorists. The question is, who is Rancor?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49'General Derwood Rancor.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53'Begin your mission. Good luck, WD-40.'
0:00:54 > 0:01:00'And don't forget. This tape will self-destruct in three seconds.'
0:00:59 > 0:01:04BLEEPING
0:01:01 > 0:01:04STEELE!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45ALARM BLARES
0:01:50 > 0:01:53General Rancor, your chopper is waiting.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Be there in a minute. I ain't done with this one yet.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Talk to me, boy. He doesn't wanna talk.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Take him outside and shoot him.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13HE CHUCKLES
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And when you shoot him,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19use the silencer(!)
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Thank you. Have a nice flight.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Have a great flight.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Enjoy destroying the world.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Thanks, I will.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I'm going in there.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52My God. Look at you.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56You are such an incredible man.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00It's my job, darling. I do it for my country.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Hm? Oh! Good luck.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07HE CHUCKLES Luck's got nothing to do with it.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11CRUNCH
0:03:11 > 0:03:13TROUSERS RIP
0:03:17 > 0:03:20DEVICE BLEEPS
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- HE CHUCKLES - Nothing can stop me now.
0:03:29 > 0:03:35Not even that sanctimonious secret agent, Boy Scout Dick...
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Yoo-hoo! STEELE LAUGHS
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Steele?!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Aaaaaargh!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Dick, don't drop me!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Grab my wrist!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Aaaargh!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Whoaaaaaa!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Don't drop me!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11SPLASH
0:04:25 > 0:04:27# A man of intrigue
0:04:27 > 0:04:29# He lives for the thrill
0:04:33 > 0:04:36# Always has places to go
0:04:36 > 0:04:38# And people to kill
0:04:41 > 0:04:44# Danger is the game he plays
0:04:44 > 0:04:47# And he holds every card
0:04:48 > 0:04:51# Cos if you wanna win
0:04:51 > 0:04:55# You gotta Spy Hard
0:04:57 > 0:04:59# A man of the world
0:04:59 > 0:05:03# So suave and discreet
0:05:05 > 0:05:07# He trips over the women
0:05:07 > 0:05:10# Piled up at his feet
0:05:13 > 0:05:16# But evil's lurking
0:05:16 > 0:05:19# So he's always on his guard
0:05:20 > 0:05:23# Cos if you're gonna spy
0:05:23 > 0:05:26# You better Spy Hard
0:05:29 > 0:05:32# He's always there
0:05:32 > 0:05:37# When the chips Are beginning to fall
0:05:37 > 0:05:40# He wouldn't care
0:05:40 > 0:05:42# If they kicked him and grabbed him
0:05:42 > 0:05:44# And shot him and stabbed him
0:05:44 > 0:05:48# And nailed Both his ears to the wall
0:05:50 > 0:05:52# Facing death every day
0:05:52 > 0:05:57# Is a tough job for any man
0:05:57 > 0:06:01# But his hours are flexible
0:06:01 > 0:06:03# And he's got a great dental plan
0:06:05 > 0:06:09# By the way, if you walked in late
0:06:09 > 0:06:13# Allow me to reiterate
0:06:12 > 0:06:16# The name of this movie
0:06:16 > 0:06:20# Is Spy Hard
0:06:20 > 0:06:24# They call it Spy Hard
0:06:24 > 0:06:26# You're watching Spy Hard
0:06:26 > 0:06:30# It's the theme from Spy Hard... #
0:07:05 > 0:07:08THUNDER CRASHES
0:07:30 > 0:07:32BIRD SQUAWKS
0:07:42 > 0:07:44HE ROARS
0:07:44 > 0:07:46HE SQUAWKS
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Sir, we've got something interesting on the infrared detection system.
0:08:02 > 0:08:08'Well, what is it?'
0:08:03 > 0:08:08It's a neat security system that picks up intruders.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10'What is it detecting?'
0:08:10 > 0:08:14It looks like Agent Barbara Dahl, sir.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Barbara Dahl?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Hot damn, at last.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Arm me.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Yeah. Now, bring me the bait.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38- GRUFF VOICE: - Welcome. General Rancor wants to see you.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Don't even think about it!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Put the gun down!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Move! Don't try anything funny.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Oh, you morons! Let go!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Well, look at you.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Barbara Dahl.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06You're the spitting image of your mama.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11Don't you talk about my mother, you hybrid curiosity.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14My mother was twice the man you are.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19I think you're carrying this spitting image thing too far.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Now that I got Barbara Dahl,
0:09:22 > 0:09:27it's just a matter of time before Dick Steele comes to get her.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29HE LAUGHS
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Have you confirmed this transmission?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I have. It's Barbara Dahl.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Who authorised her to go on this operation?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52No-one. She's working on her own.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54This one is personal.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58This mission may have cost a good agent her life
0:09:58 > 0:10:03and put the free world in jeopardy. We must inform the Director.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06'This is the Director. What is it?'
0:10:06 > 0:10:10We've intercepted a disturbing transmission
0:10:10 > 0:10:13from our station on Gibraltar.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- 'What is it?' - It's a big rock
0:10:13 > 0:10:16sticking out of the water near Spain.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22'What is the transmission?'
0:10:22 > 0:10:25You will have to see it to believe it, sir.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Put it on channel three.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41No, four. Switch it to VHS.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43And take it off of cable.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Put it on the monitor.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- TV: - 'Now a message from Rancor Industries.'
0:10:48 > 0:10:54She makes a pretty hood ornament.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Rancor!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Yes, it is I,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56good old General Rancor.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I'm back, big as life and twice as ugly.
0:10:59 > 0:11:05Steele blew him up.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Apparently not.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05You did everything except eat me
0:11:05 > 0:11:09and I'm still alive. Steele only blew off a couple of arms.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13That's no big thing. Now I got plenty of arms.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Big arms.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Pretty arms.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22'I got arms up the wazoo. Let me show you something.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25'Your pretty agent is now the nose cone
0:11:25 > 0:11:27'on top of my missile.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31'This missile will be launched in 36 hours
0:11:31 > 0:11:33'and nothing will stop me.'
0:11:33 > 0:11:35He's a madman.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38'Only thing is, I'm missing one little chip
0:11:38 > 0:11:42'that controls my satellite and I want it back.
0:11:42 > 0:11:49'Hand me my chip and I'll give you back your agent.'
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Good God. He must me stopped!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Dick Steele couldn't stop me 15 years ago.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57All the dicks you've got won't stop me now.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01He hasn't seen the SIZE of our newer members.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04With the chip, he rules the world.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Without the chip, he destroys the world.
0:12:07 > 0:12:13VIOLIN PLAYS
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Practise some place else! I'm trying to think!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15The world! Hah!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18We all know what Rancor really wants.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Steele.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Yes, and we'll give Steele to him.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Steele? Have you forgotten what happened last time
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Steele was in the line of fire?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:32 > 0:12:35BAND PLAYS
0:12:44 > 0:12:47'We'll stop here. Traveller wants to mingle.'
0:12:58 > 0:13:02POP!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02POP!
0:13:02 > 0:13:03POP!
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Steele, what the hell do you think you're doing?!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Get him in the limo! Get him in the limo!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Go! Go! Go! Go!
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Go! Go!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29HE GRUNTS
0:13:29 > 0:13:32TANNOY: 'The bridge is out.
0:13:33 > 0:13:39'The bridge is out.'
0:13:34 > 0:13:39The bridge is out! The bridge is out, dammit! Stop this car!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41BRAKES SCREECH
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Stay away from the window, sir.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Steele, do something!
0:14:29 > 0:14:34Good job, Steele! Thanks!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34It's about time he did something right.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Hang on, Mr President!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38THEY ALL YELL
0:14:45 > 0:14:47'The bridge is out.'
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Thank God our president was one good swimmer.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Nonetheless,
0:14:55 > 0:14:59there's only one man for this operation.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Agent WD-40. Steele.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Dick Steele.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Dick, Dick, Dick Steele!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Oh, mm, Dick.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Oh, Dick, that was incredible.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Thank you.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Don't thank me, darling. The art of lovemaking takes two.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27Sometimes three or four, depending on how well you do at craps.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Fore!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Well, my putter's up.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Oh, Dick, I'm exhausted.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36You are insatiable.
0:15:36 > 0:15:3815 minutes to tee-off time.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43There's something we should discuss openly and honestly
0:15:43 > 0:15:46before I head off to my golf game.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50What is it, Dick?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50It's a game. People dress funny,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52hit a little ball with clubs,
0:15:52 > 0:15:56drinking is involved.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Is something wrong, Dick?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Whatever we've had between us,
0:15:58 > 0:16:03my heart still belongs to the girl I fell in love with years ago.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Victoria. She fell off a cliff.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08She died.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Yes, I was just getting to that.
0:16:11 > 0:16:17After Victoria, I don't think I'll ever find room for another woman
0:16:17 > 0:16:20in this ripped apart, torn up, burned out
0:16:20 > 0:16:22lump in my chest
0:16:22 > 0:16:26where a human heart once beat.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- RUSSIAN ACCENT: - I'll live, Mr Steele.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36It's YOUR life I'm worried about.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I'm glad you understand.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I know how much these things can hurt.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Hi, Dick!- >
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- Hi. - Morning, Mrs Hutton.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- <- Fore!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Watch out!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03All right?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Thank you.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Thank you!- >
0:17:05 > 0:17:08SMACK!
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- TANNOY: - 'Deena Talley-Forson to starter's window.'
0:17:13 > 0:17:17GLASS SHATTERS WOMAN SCREAMS
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Aaaaaargh!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Dick, wait!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Oh, well, Steve! Steve Bishop.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31You look great.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Thank you. We go back a long way.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Yeah.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35'Aaaaaargh!'
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Let's have a drink. Sit right there, Steve.
0:17:38 > 0:17:44The usual, Mr Steele?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44You betcha. How's everything at the Agency?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47It used to be fun, killing a few spies
0:17:47 > 0:17:50with gas from a banana grenade,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53but now it's all bureaucratic politics.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58You gotta fill out 20 forms in triplicate just to take a piss!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00STEVE LAUGHS
0:18:10 > 0:18:12THEY GRUNT AND GROAN
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Oh, boy, that was fun.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Thank you.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22They don't do that at the Agency.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I'm sorry to hear that.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Er, Dickie, there is something.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30I'm out of the Service.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35It's a plot to launch a satellite.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35I'm out of the Service. Talk about something else.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- PHONE RINGS - Bishop here.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42'Got a new lead. Need you here.'
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Yeah. - 'And get a dozen eggs.'
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I'll leave right away.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49No more headsets. They put the receiver right in your head now.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53The Director wants you to see this.
0:18:53 > 0:18:59I'm not interested.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59Dickie, take a look at the tape. It'll change your mind.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13HE HUMS
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Hm-mm.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32She makes a pretty hood ornament, don't you think?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Yes, it is I, good old General Rancor.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39I'm back, big as life and twice as ugly.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41HE CHUCKLES
0:19:43 > 0:19:47'Steele just blow off my arms.'
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Rancor.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50He can't be alive.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53My...God.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Barbara Dahl.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Victoria, why would your daughter join the Agency,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05knowing what happened to you?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Why?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Why?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Why, why, why, why?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Victoria Dahl,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17you were the only woman I ever loved.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22# Raindrops keep falling on my head
0:20:22 > 0:20:25# And just like the guy Whose feet are too big
0:20:25 > 0:20:28# For his bed
0:20:28 > 0:20:30# Nothing seems to fit
0:20:30 > 0:20:34# Those raindrops Are falling on my head
0:20:34 > 0:20:35# They keep falling
0:20:35 > 0:20:38# So I just did me
0:20:38 > 0:20:41# Some talking to the sun
0:20:41 > 0:20:44# And I said I didn't like the way
0:20:44 > 0:20:47# He got things done
0:20:47 > 0:20:49# Sleeping on the job
0:20:49 > 0:20:52# Those raindrops Are falling on my head
0:20:52 > 0:20:54# They keep falling
0:20:54 > 0:20:58# But there's one thing
0:20:58 > 0:21:00# I know
0:21:00 > 0:21:04# The blues they send to meet me
0:21:04 > 0:21:07# Won't defeat me
0:21:07 > 0:21:08# It won't be long
0:21:08 > 0:21:11# Till happiness
0:21:11 > 0:21:13# Steps up to greet me... #
0:21:17 > 0:21:22- THEY SCREAM - # Raindrops keep falling on my head
0:21:22 > 0:21:26# But that doesn't mean my eyes Will soon be turning red... #
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- TV: - 'We now join Kelly Lang downtown.'
0:21:29 > 0:21:31'I'm here for Channel 3 News.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36A tragic accident has claimed the life of Steven Bishop
0:21:36 > 0:21:38'when a huge grand piano
0:21:38 > 0:21:42fell from the 17th floor of the hotel behind me,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45'landing on his car.'
0:21:43 > 0:21:45An accident?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Having a kid at 60, that's an accident.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Having a piano fall on you, that's bad luck.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57'..removed the driver's body from the oil pan of the car.'
0:21:57 > 0:22:00'Operator.'
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Get me Washington.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02'George?'
0:22:01 > 0:22:02DC.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11I'll take care of the luggage. Just some overnight things.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23CRASH
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Bonjour, Monsieur.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32It looks like you could use a hand.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I'm afraid I'm pretty clumsy.
0:22:38 > 0:22:44You must be headed to Los Angeles.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44How do you know that?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44It's on your ticket.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Oh-ho, thank you.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52You're welcome. Have a nice flight and I wish you adieu.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Thanks, but I'm satisfied with the do I have.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06If you want to see me again, turn around now.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Ah-ha.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29It's right here on the aisle.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31No, no, no.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I asked for a window seat.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38I'm not getting up every time someone wants to get in and out.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42I always have a window seat.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Sir, do you mind?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45No problem. Please, be my guest.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I prefer an aisle seat.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Be my guest.
0:23:49 > 0:23:56Here, let me help you.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56I hope this is the last of the conversations on this trip.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Your ticket.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08SQUEALING
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Take it easy with that luggage.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12GLASS SHATTERS
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Could you put your table up for take-off?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16No, the table stays down, thank you very much.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19You've made things very inconvenient.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- What is this?! - BABY CRIES
0:24:22 > 0:24:27Is this yours? Do you mind?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Let me make more room for you.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Ooh! Aw!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Excuse me.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Is this seat taken?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Please.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Thank you.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Do you always take matters into your own hands?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Things often end up in my hands.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57And I bet your hands end up in a lot of things.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57My hands and things are often
0:24:57 > 0:25:00in the same place at the same time.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Can I get you a drink?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06We'll have dry Minoli and Russos
0:25:06 > 0:25:09on the rocks, stirred not beaten, twist of lemon
0:25:09 > 0:25:14in chilled glasses, not frozen. And two curly straws.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40SHE ROARS
0:25:48 > 0:25:51'30 hours, 11 minutes, 10 seconds.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53'30 hours, 11 minutes, 8 seconds,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56'30 hours, ll minutes, 5 seconds.'
0:25:56 > 0:25:58DOGS BARK
0:26:00 > 0:26:03'When Agent Steele arrives, send him right in.'
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Mm-hm.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17Miss Cheevus, is the Director available?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17No, he's married.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Oh, you kidder.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25Miss Cheevus, you wouldn't be trying to make things hard for me?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Oh, Dick, if only I could.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32You and I would work well together deep undercover.
0:26:32 > 0:26:38You know the Agency's rules about secrecy. They're very...rigid.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41And we wouldn't want to blow it, would we?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- BUZZ - 'You two get a motel room.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47'I need you in here now, Steele!'
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Miss Cheevus, wasn't the Director in the office here?
0:27:20 > 0:27:24'He buzzed me from in there, my pumpy-wumpy.'
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I'll just sit down and wait for him.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38HE PASSES WIND
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Great Scott!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Steele, see a doctor!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Good show, Steele.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56I hid for weeks from my wife's attorney like this.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Good to see you, WD-40.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01You are my most noble warrior.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Glad to find you, sir.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06You have to find someone more important now.
0:28:06 > 0:28:12You saw the tape with Rancor?
0:28:08 > 0:28:12I can't believe he's alive.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12He's a madman. He wants the world!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15But I'll be frank. He wants you first.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19He knew I'd send you the tape of Barbara Dahl.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26'Barbara. Looks just like Victoria when she was alive.'
0:28:26 > 0:28:28No time for flashbacks.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Rancor wants the world and wants to kill you.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Barbara Dahl last radioed from Los Angeles.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39We couldn't pinpoint her location exactly.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43Find her, you find him, you find the rocket.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47For the rest, your guess is a good as mine. Miss Cheevus,
0:28:47 > 0:28:49tell Noggin we're coming.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51- Hello, Noggin. - Steele.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Do you have a refill for that laser watch?
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Ah, new air freshener?
0:28:57 > 0:29:02Careful!
0:28:58 > 0:29:02- MAN IMPERSONATES MICHAEL JACKSON - Not again!
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Aaaargh!!
0:29:04 > 0:29:07This looks like a clever contraption.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10A mini-mobile crime lab?
0:29:10 > 0:29:15It's a briefcase.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15What does it do?
0:29:13 > 0:29:15It holds papers, files, pens
0:29:15 > 0:29:20and a calculator.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20And these numbers in a certain sequence,
0:29:20 > 0:29:25the briefcase will explode?
0:29:21 > 0:29:25No, it's a lock so other people can't open it.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28Very complex contemporary technology.
0:29:28 > 0:29:32Your state-of-the-art field kit with additions.
0:29:32 > 0:29:37This is our latest development. Microchip Z-ray lenses.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41You'll be able to see if an enemy is carrying a weapon.
0:29:41 > 0:29:47Er, Director?
0:29:43 > 0:29:47Oh, now Steele, should you find your hands bound,
0:29:47 > 0:29:51just reach down and pull this pin with your teeth.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Squeeze that tube and it'll emit lasers
0:29:59 > 0:30:01powerful enough to cut steel.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07Fire in the hole, Director. Thank you.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11BELL RINGS
0:30:11 > 0:30:13And one more thing.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17This detonator will explode 30 seconds after you plant it.
0:30:17 > 0:30:22It has enough power to blow up a two-storey building.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Fantastic.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25All right, here we go and, er...
0:30:25 > 0:30:29Your glasses.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Thanks. Good to see you again, Noggin.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42- TANNOY: - 'Bienvenidos a Los Angeles.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45'Welcome to Los Angeles.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47'Ciudad de Los Angeles.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49'City of the angels.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51'Donde esta Maria?
0:30:51 > 0:30:53'Where is Maria?
0:30:53 > 0:30:55'Maria esta en la biblioteca.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59'Maria is in the library.'
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Do you have a lighter?
0:30:59 > 0:31:03I use matches.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Does you mother know you smoke?
0:31:03 > 0:31:06Yes, but I don't inhale.
0:31:06 > 0:31:10Kabul.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Er...
0:31:10 > 0:31:12I'm Kabul. Agent WD-40?
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Get in! Get in!
0:31:14 > 0:31:17In the car!
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Hello! Excuse me!
0:31:22 > 0:31:26Our operatives believe you may be in grave danger.
0:31:26 > 0:31:31Take a look. In that file is a photo of Desiree Moore.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35She's expert-trained in karate, kung fu and is a crack shot.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39Rancor may have sent her to take you out.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42She likes easy listening.
0:31:42 > 0:31:47He measurements are 36-24-36-22.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51And for God's sakes be careful, WD-40.
0:31:51 > 0:31:55My cousins got salmonella at this hotel.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Ooh! HE MUTTERS
0:32:16 > 0:32:20'It sure looked like her but you can't be too sure.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24'Yeah, almost positive.'
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Mm-hm.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Drink?
0:32:29 > 0:32:34Only when I'm thirsty.
0:32:30 > 0:32:34Tap water, OK?
0:32:32 > 0:32:34Poured, not decanted.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38'Sometimes you see a woman you'd love to have kill ya.
0:32:38 > 0:32:43'But timing is everything, so it wouldn't be today.'
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Says who?
0:32:43 > 0:32:46'She's smart. I decided to play it casual.'
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Casual is overrated.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55Oops.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05The game is over, Mr Steele.
0:33:05 > 0:33:10You'll look like Swiss cheese when they find you.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Oh, that's no Gouda.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14KUNG FU CRIES AND GRUNTS
0:33:44 > 0:33:47"Coca Cabana."
0:33:52 > 0:33:54I'll be back for you.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58Where are you going?
0:33:55 > 0:33:58In my country, we have a saying.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00"A man who rides a camel is rich,
0:34:00 > 0:34:04"but a man who drives a Ferrari can get lucky."
0:34:04 > 0:34:06CAR HORN BEEPS
0:34:06 > 0:34:10Aaaargh!
0:34:07 > 0:34:10I am so sorry. What is your phone number?
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Loser.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Oh, thank you.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Like look at what you've done.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19End of the line, pal.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37GUNSHOT Hey, goombah!
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Huh? STEELE CHUCKLES
0:34:45 > 0:34:48If it isn't Agent Steele.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Excuse me. Do you have a light?
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Yeah, sure, I got a light.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Very good.
0:35:16 > 0:35:21Remind me never to light YOUR cigarette.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21We won't lose them for long.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23We'll be safe on the bus.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29Transfer?
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Er, no thank you.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33- Nice dress. - HE CHUCKLES
0:35:39 > 0:35:42Next stop, Sunset Boulevard!
0:35:43 > 0:35:46I guess it's Sunset Boulevard.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Pop quiz, hot shot.
0:35:56 > 0:36:01Someone's on the bus won't pay the fare. What do you do?
0:36:01 > 0:36:03What do you do?
0:36:03 > 0:36:07Stop the bus and let him off?
0:36:04 > 0:36:07Negatory, honcho,
0:36:06 > 0:36:09because he cut the brake line.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25Excusez-moi, monsieur.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34THEY ALL YELL
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Aaaaaargh!
0:37:02 > 0:37:05Whoooaaaaaaa!
0:37:31 > 0:37:35THEY APPLAUD
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Thank you, thank you.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Next stop, Melrose...I think.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41You must be fameeshed. Let's manger.
0:37:41 > 0:37:46That sounds good, but I'm hungry. Let's eat first.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51Here you go. Enjoy yourselves.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55Brian will be right here to take your drink order.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58We shared an aeroplane, a drink,
0:37:58 > 0:38:01been chased, bussed, seated, but...
0:38:01 > 0:38:05I still don't really know you.
0:38:04 > 0:38:08I'm Bud Fudlacker. I own a mail order business.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11I travel with the Gladiators,
0:38:11 > 0:38:13I like small appliances
0:38:13 > 0:38:18and do tax accounting on the side.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Let me guess. You are Dick Steele.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22Agent WD-40 with the Secret Service.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25You're 52, you like big screen TVs
0:38:25 > 0:38:28and you want to stop General Rancor.
0:38:28 > 0:38:33That could describe a thousand guys. Tell me about you.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37I like loose-fitting clothes and I drive a '69 Pinto.
0:38:37 > 0:38:41I'm Brian. May I take your drink orders?
0:38:40 > 0:38:44- I'll have... - A Minoli and Russo on the rocks.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Stirred, not beaten,
0:38:46 > 0:38:50with a twist. In a chilled glass, not frozen
0:38:50 > 0:38:53with two curly little straws.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57Be right back.
0:38:57 > 0:39:02Tell me, who are you?
0:38:58 > 0:39:02Why don't you use your...
0:39:02 > 0:39:04..legendary skills
0:39:04 > 0:39:06and guess?
0:39:06 > 0:39:11You carry a UB-21 Shnauzer with a silencer. That's KGB.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13You prefer an H&K over an AK.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16Your technique is NSA, ID is CIA,
0:39:16 > 0:39:19had your PhD from NYU, drive a BMW,
0:39:19 > 0:39:21you listen to CDs by REM and STP
0:39:21 > 0:39:26and you'd like to see JFK in his BVDs getting down with OPP.
0:39:26 > 0:39:32And you put toilet paper back on roll with the paper on the inside.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32Hm.
0:39:32 > 0:39:36Here's to your remarkable powers of observation.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39I am Agent 3.14.
0:39:39 > 0:39:45Veronique Ukrinsky. My father is the professor.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Oh, yes, I know.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47The megachip.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51When he found out he was making the chip for Rancor,
0:39:51 > 0:39:55he escaped with it and is in hiding.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55In hiding. Where?
0:39:55 > 0:39:58He wouldn't tell me where he was going
0:39:57 > 0:40:00but he said, "The pendant."
0:40:01 > 0:40:05"Follow the path of your pendant to find me."
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Hmm.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Haven't seen too many like these.
0:40:10 > 0:40:15Pendant.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15- Pendant.- Pendant.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15- Pendant.- Pendant.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17We don't have much time.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Sooner or later, Rancor will find him.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24I'll order our food to go.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24I'm so worried about my father.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27What shall we do? What shall we do?
0:40:27 > 0:40:29ROCK'N'ROLL MUSIC PLAYS
0:40:29 > 0:40:34# It was a teenage wedding And the old folks wished 'em well
0:40:35 > 0:40:39# You could see that Pierre Did truly love the mademoiselle
0:40:41 > 0:40:43# And now The young monsieur and madame
0:40:43 > 0:40:46# Have rung the chapel bell
0:40:47 > 0:40:49# C'est la vie said the old folks
0:40:49 > 0:40:52# It goes to show You never can tell... #
0:40:59 > 0:41:00CRACKING
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Do you have a reser... Oh!
0:41:03 > 0:41:04CRACKING
0:41:04 > 0:41:07Steele's here somewhere.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10Rancor wants him dead. Find him.
0:41:10 > 0:41:11CRACKING
0:41:12 > 0:41:15Dance time is over.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Stay close. Kill him.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19Cigarettes? Cigars?
0:41:18 > 0:41:21Throwing knife?
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Cigarettes? Cigars?
0:41:27 > 0:41:30Whoops.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Whyyy?
0:41:36 > 0:41:39Quick! Get this up against the door.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48I got an idea.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52This is my father. If we get separated,
0:41:52 > 0:41:54find him, save him.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58Why?!
0:41:58 > 0:42:00Go! Go, go!
0:42:00 > 0:42:02Go!
0:42:02 > 0:42:05Shut up!
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Aw! I came here to dance.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07Dick, help me!!
0:42:08 > 0:42:11I'll kill you!
0:42:11 > 0:42:13Let me go!
0:42:16 > 0:42:18HE GRUNTS
0:42:26 > 0:42:29OK, let's go!
0:42:29 > 0:42:32Dick, help me!!
0:42:37 > 0:42:41'Follow the path of your pendant to find me.'
0:42:41 > 0:42:46What is that?
0:42:42 > 0:42:46Her pendant. "Follow the path to find me."
0:42:46 > 0:42:49Have you ever seen anything like that?
0:42:49 > 0:42:54Ahhhh!
0:42:50 > 0:42:54What? What?
0:42:52 > 0:42:54No.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56Any idea where it came from?
0:42:58 > 0:43:02Museum of Natural History.
0:42:59 > 0:43:02How do you know that?
0:43:00 > 0:43:02It says at the bottom.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07Take me to the Museum of Natural History.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09In my country, we have a saying.
0:43:09 > 0:43:16I'm sure you do.
0:43:11 > 0:43:16"The museum closes at five, so go the next morning at nine."
0:43:18 > 0:43:21< Excuse me, Mr Pushy.
0:43:22 > 0:43:27MUFFLED CRIES FROM SECRETARY
0:43:24 > 0:43:27I'm getting sick and tired of your...
0:43:44 > 0:43:46No, he'd never fit in there.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55I'm sick and tired of these games.
0:43:59 > 0:44:01This is stupid, stupid.
0:44:01 > 0:44:05We're a government agency, for God's sakes.
0:44:05 > 0:44:08THUD
0:44:06 > 0:44:08Huh?
0:44:11 > 0:44:13Ha!
0:44:13 > 0:44:15Wait, wait!
0:44:17 > 0:44:20You're sicker than I thought.
0:44:21 > 0:44:23What is it, Coleman? I'm busy.
0:44:23 > 0:44:25I, er, can see that.
0:44:25 > 0:44:29You wouldn't understand. It's Origatsi.
0:44:29 > 0:44:33Why are you keeping Steele on this assignment?
0:44:33 > 0:44:35He is no closer to Rancor
0:44:35 > 0:44:39and who knows when Rancor will launch his satellite?
0:44:39 > 0:44:43Let ME take over this search before I...
0:44:43 > 0:44:47Before you what? I don't know how you got this job,
0:44:47 > 0:44:50but you're a disgrace to the Service.
0:44:50 > 0:44:54How dare you! You and your bleeding heart nonsense.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57YOU'RE too old to run this agency.
0:44:57 > 0:45:01Since you won't step down, you'll be stepped on.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08Ha! Loser!
0:45:08 > 0:45:10What you got?
0:45:10 > 0:45:16Is there a jewellery district here?
0:45:12 > 0:45:16Come on, this is Hollywood. We have jewellery...
0:45:16 > 0:45:19Is there a Russian jewellery section?
0:45:19 > 0:45:22Da.
0:45:20 > 0:45:22- Where? - I don't know.
0:45:22 > 0:45:27A lot of Russian jewellers hung out at the warehouse at...
0:45:27 > 0:45:2931st and Phlegm.
0:45:32 > 0:45:35- Damn it. - We'll split up.
0:45:36 > 0:45:39Accident. Excuse me.
0:45:57 > 0:45:59Whoaa! Wh-whoaa!
0:46:03 > 0:46:05Aaaaargh!
0:46:12 > 0:46:14Watch it! Watch it!
0:46:33 > 0:46:35- MAN:- Cheerio.
0:46:44 > 0:46:47HORSE URINATES
0:47:01 > 0:47:03You're mine, Steele.
0:47:11 > 0:47:13Aaaaaaargh!
0:47:16 > 0:47:17HORSE: Whoaaaa!
0:47:19 > 0:47:21HORSE NEIGHS
0:47:38 > 0:47:40Aaaaaargh!
0:47:47 > 0:47:51OK, bring it up! Bring it up! Up, up, up!
0:47:51 > 0:47:53OK, that's where the sign goes!
0:47:56 > 0:48:00Ah, 31st and Phlegm. I'm on a waiting list for a co-op.
0:48:06 > 0:48:08You better get outta here.
0:48:08 > 0:48:10I can drop off my dog.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44Mr Steele, I presume?
0:48:44 > 0:48:47Professor...?
0:48:45 > 0:48:47Ukrinsky, with a Y.
0:48:57 > 0:49:00Ah. Right.
0:49:03 > 0:49:05The pendant.
0:49:05 > 0:49:07And I suppose...
0:49:08 > 0:49:10..this is what you need?
0:49:10 > 0:49:15And this is...?
0:49:11 > 0:49:15This is the chip for Rancor's satellite.
0:49:15 > 0:49:19The megachip. Who'd have thought the fate of so many
0:49:19 > 0:49:22would rely on something so small?
0:49:21 > 0:49:24There's only one thing to do with this.
0:49:27 > 0:49:29Oh, no! No!
0:49:30 > 0:49:38What are you doing?!
0:49:32 > 0:49:38Protecting the world from tyranny.
0:49:34 > 0:49:38But it can be used for world peace.
0:49:38 > 0:49:42Sorry. You better let me get that into the proper hands
0:49:42 > 0:49:45and get you to safety.
0:49:46 > 0:49:50You found me through my daughter? She is safe?
0:49:50 > 0:49:53The van they took her in has air bags.
0:49:53 > 0:49:55BRAKES SCREECH
0:49:55 > 0:50:01Kabul.
0:49:57 > 0:50:01Nice new wheels, huh?
0:49:58 > 0:50:01Quite an improvement. In the back.
0:50:01 > 0:50:06We have to find a safe place for the professor.
0:50:04 > 0:50:06In my country, we have a saying.
0:50:06 > 0:50:12"The rabbit hops, the spider crawls, but the camel spits."
0:50:10 > 0:50:12Let's see if this Charger can run.
0:50:16 > 0:50:19Now, I don't want you to be surprised.
0:50:19 > 0:50:23This guy is a top agent. He's most capable.
0:50:24 > 0:50:26Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!
0:50:28 > 0:50:31McCluckey!
0:50:29 > 0:50:31Kabul!
0:50:34 > 0:50:38Come on in.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38All right. Come on.
0:50:37 > 0:50:41McCluckey, we need to hide the professor.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43Professor, it's an honour.
0:50:43 > 0:50:47I read your paper on Laboratory Loneliness.
0:50:47 > 0:50:48Superb!
0:50:48 > 0:50:54Well, thank you.
0:50:50 > 0:50:54I'd like you to meet Agent...
0:50:51 > 0:50:54Dick Steele, Agent WD-40.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57Good to see you. Your video on deception?
0:50:57 > 0:51:01"Is It A Woman? Is The Moustache Real?"
0:51:00 > 0:51:02Beautiful work.
0:51:02 > 0:51:04Thank you.
0:51:04 > 0:51:09We need to hide this guy.
0:51:06 > 0:51:09Sure, sure. Come, he'll be safe here.
0:51:10 > 0:51:12You have a telephone?
0:51:12 > 0:51:14Right over there.
0:51:14 > 0:51:18Is it clean?
0:51:16 > 0:51:18A woman comes in once a week.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23'Sir?'
0:51:23 > 0:51:27- What? - 'Dick Luscious Lips Steele is on the line.'
0:51:27 > 0:51:29Put him through.
0:51:30 > 0:51:32'Director, is it safe?'
0:51:32 > 0:51:36Just a minute. I'll use the cloaking device.
0:51:46 > 0:51:49Go ahead, Dick. It's safe.
0:51:49 > 0:51:52'I have the chip Rancor needs.'
0:51:52 > 0:51:56Good, Dick. Good. Are you coming in?
0:51:56 > 0:52:04'No. Rancor kidnapped Ukrinsky's daughter. I gotta find her.'
0:52:01 > 0:52:04'Well, good, Dick.'
0:52:04 > 0:52:07Good luck. Call me if I can help.
0:52:15 > 0:52:18'19 hours and 35 minutes...'
0:52:18 > 0:52:22That Steele will be sorry his mama ever met his papa.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25We gonna heat up the fire. Boys!
0:52:25 > 0:52:30They know our moves. Someone inside must be leaking.
0:52:29 > 0:52:33Well, I'm not leaking. I can prove it.
0:52:33 > 0:52:35Go ahead, ask me something.
0:52:35 > 0:52:39Ask me who's the director of our agency.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39Who's the director of our agency?
0:52:39 > 0:52:42I don't know. You see, I know who it is,
0:52:42 > 0:52:45but I won't tell you cos I am no leak.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49Rancor and his men must be here.
0:52:49 > 0:52:52There's one of them now. Follow him.
0:52:54 > 0:52:57Do you have to keep revving the engine?
0:52:57 > 0:53:01It's an American V-8. It's a beautiful sound.
0:53:01 > 0:53:04Listen to this. My cousin's a recording star.
0:53:04 > 0:53:06LOUD ETHNIC MUSIC
0:53:06 > 0:53:09Duck!
0:53:07 > 0:53:09Aw!
0:53:20 > 0:53:22Did he see us?
0:53:30 > 0:53:34I'm going in. Cover me.
0:53:32 > 0:53:34I got to buy my lottery ticket.
0:53:40 > 0:53:42Rancor's guy is here.
0:53:42 > 0:53:44Right.
0:53:44 > 0:53:47CHOIR SINGS "Amazing Grace"
0:53:47 > 0:53:49# ..Like me
0:53:50 > 0:53:52# I once
0:53:52 > 0:53:54# Was lost
0:53:54 > 0:53:59# But now am found
0:53:59 > 0:54:01# Was blind... #
0:54:05 > 0:54:09What are you doing here?
0:54:06 > 0:54:09I am the new choirmaster.
0:54:09 > 0:54:13Where did you come from?
0:54:10 > 0:54:13I was doing refrectories.
0:54:13 > 0:54:18"Refrectories"?
0:54:14 > 0:54:18A new popal relevate. John, chapter seven, verse two.
0:54:18 > 0:54:24"Popal"?
0:54:20 > 0:54:24Er, sisters? Michael, chapter seven, verse two.
0:54:24 > 0:54:26Sing as ye play.
0:54:26 > 0:54:29Yea, unto thee a voice like a blenth.
0:54:29 > 0:54:32As you approach the alla troppo,
0:54:32 > 0:54:36tres mucho picante abierto.
0:54:36 > 0:54:38THEY HUM
0:54:38 > 0:54:40# You know you make me wanna shout, Kick my heels up and
0:54:40 > 0:54:44# Shout
0:54:41 > 0:54:44Throw my hands up and
0:54:42 > 0:54:44- Shout- Throw my head back and
0:54:44 > 0:54:45- # Shout - Come on now
0:54:45 > 0:54:47# Don't forget to say you will... #
0:54:49 > 0:54:52Are you gentlemen with Ranc...? Ohh!
0:54:52 > 0:54:56Steele's here somewhere. Find him!
0:54:56 > 0:54:58# Come on, come on
0:54:58 > 0:55:00# Say you will
0:55:00 > 0:55:03# Say that you will
0:55:04 > 0:55:06# Say that you love me
0:55:06 > 0:55:08# Say that you need me
0:55:08 > 0:55:11# Say that you want me You wanna please me
0:55:11 > 0:55:12# Come on now
0:55:12 > 0:55:14# Come on now
0:55:14 > 0:55:16# Come on now
0:55:16 > 0:55:18# I still remember
0:55:18 > 0:55:23# When I used to be nine years old, Hey, yeah... #
0:55:23 > 0:55:28All right, random inspection. Directive 21, psalm two.
0:55:28 > 0:55:29# Yeah, yeah
0:55:29 > 0:55:32# I want you to know
0:55:32 > 0:55:36# I said I want you to know right now
0:55:36 > 0:55:39# You been good to me, sisters
0:55:39 > 0:55:41# Much better than I been to myself
0:55:41 > 0:55:43# So good, so good
0:55:43 > 0:55:45# And if you ever leave me
0:55:45 > 0:55:50# I don't want nobody else, Hey, hey
0:55:50 > 0:55:54# I said I want you to know
0:55:54 > 0:55:57# I said I want you to know right now... #
0:55:57 > 0:56:00Veronique?
0:55:58 > 0:56:00- Dick. - Are you all right?
0:56:00 > 0:56:04Get out of here. This is a front for Rancor.
0:56:04 > 0:56:06Yeah, I know.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08I'll get out of here all right.
0:56:08 > 0:56:11You're coming with me.
0:56:11 > 0:56:15Code Yellow! Code Yellow! Get me epinephrinox.
0:56:15 > 0:56:19Get me two litres of gasohol mixed with neonephecine!
0:56:19 > 0:56:22She's going into fibrolcanination!
0:56:22 > 0:56:25Prepare the operating room!
0:56:27 > 0:56:31For God's sake, can anyone help me?!
0:56:42 > 0:56:45# Now wait a minute... #
0:56:45 > 0:56:48No, uh-uh. No!
0:56:48 > 0:56:51# You know you make me wanna shout. #
0:57:00 > 0:57:02High blood pressure.
0:57:06 > 0:57:08In here.
0:57:08 > 0:57:12You'll be safe here, I'll be right back.
0:57:12 > 0:57:15VERONIQUE MOANS
0:57:24 > 0:57:28Oh, Dick, it's so cold.
0:57:28 > 0:57:32What have they done to you? They'll pay for this.
0:57:32 > 0:57:34Oh, Dick!
0:57:34 > 0:57:36SHE GRUNTS
0:57:38 > 0:57:41SHE GROANS
0:57:41 > 0:57:44Move 'em, fat head!
0:57:44 > 0:57:46Sisters, make 'em holy!
0:57:48 > 0:57:51Oh, Dick, you came for me.
0:57:51 > 0:57:55Tell me, wh-what's been happening?
0:57:54 > 0:57:58Well, I've been doing a lot of soul searching.
0:57:58 > 0:58:00I've decided I love you.
0:58:00 > 0:58:02But what about my father?
0:58:02 > 0:58:06Well, I have to get to know him better.
0:58:06 > 0:58:08No, is he OK? Do you have the chip?
0:58:08 > 0:58:13No, he's fine and I've got the chip.
0:58:10 > 0:58:13Oh, I love you, too.
0:58:13 > 0:58:16CAR HORN BLARES
0:58:17 > 0:58:19Look out, you crazy nun!
0:58:25 > 0:58:30Thank God I stopped you! You could have been killed!
0:58:29 > 0:58:32Let me help.
0:58:33 > 0:58:35You smell nice.
0:58:36 > 0:58:39Where is my father?
0:58:39 > 0:58:44Is he safe?
0:58:40 > 0:58:44He's safe, Veronique. Safe as you and me.
0:58:44 > 0:58:46Ha, so cute!
0:58:49 > 0:58:54Safer.
0:58:50 > 0:58:54In my country, when an armless weirdo chases your woman,
0:58:54 > 0:58:56you must hide her.
0:58:57 > 0:58:59Upstairs, apartment 5B.
0:58:59 > 0:59:01I'll keep my eyes open.
0:59:05 > 0:59:09I just put in new carpet. Take your shoes off.
0:59:16 > 0:59:18Oh, Dick.
0:59:19 > 0:59:24It's so nice to know everything is going to be all right.
0:59:25 > 0:59:28You have the chip
0:59:28 > 0:59:30and my father is safe.
0:59:31 > 0:59:33You love me, Dick.
0:59:35 > 0:59:39Love? Let me tell you about love,
0:59:39 > 0:59:41Veronique.
0:59:41 > 0:59:44Love is a dew drop on a rose petal.
0:59:46 > 0:59:51Love is a drop of rain, pure and shimmering and trembling.
0:59:51 > 0:59:54So moist, so wet.
0:59:55 > 0:59:58And those tiny little drops of love
0:59:59 > 1:00:03come together, gathering up broken buds
1:00:03 > 1:00:05and fallen flowers
1:00:05 > 1:00:07and dirt
1:00:07 > 1:00:09and dung
1:00:09 > 1:00:14and deer droppings flowing faster and faster
1:00:14 > 1:00:16outward to the sea,
1:00:16 > 1:00:18onward and onward and...
1:00:21 > 1:00:23SHE GROANS
1:00:41 > 1:00:43Goodnight.
1:00:44 > 1:00:47We'll talk more in the morning.
1:00:51 > 1:00:54MUEZZIN CALL TO PRAYER
1:01:02 > 1:01:04DOG BARKS
1:01:14 > 1:01:17Hot shots, come and get me.
1:01:17 > 1:01:20You no-good juvenile delinquent! Come on!
1:01:23 > 1:01:25Cool.
1:01:25 > 1:01:27Heads up!
1:01:27 > 1:01:30Nice shot. We got you now!
1:01:33 > 1:01:35Where's the professor?
1:01:35 > 1:01:37With Gilligan, dickweed.
1:01:37 > 1:01:39Aaaaargh!!
1:01:42 > 1:01:47This is for Getting Even With Dad.
1:01:44 > 1:01:47- This is for My Girl. - And My Girl 2.
1:01:47 > 1:01:50I wasn't even in My Girl 2!
1:01:50 > 1:01:52BOTH: We don't care!
1:01:55 > 1:01:58OK, smart boy, where's the professor?
1:01:58 > 1:02:01OK, OK, down the hall to the right.
1:02:03 > 1:02:05OK, the left!
1:02:09 > 1:02:12Help! Somebody help me!
1:02:12 > 1:02:15They're taking us to Kikiree Island!
1:02:17 > 1:02:22They've taken him to Rancor.
1:02:18 > 1:02:22They won't kill him until he installs the chip.
1:02:22 > 1:02:25And not even then. Maybe just torture him.
1:02:25 > 1:02:30We'll talk about it on the way. Let's get to Kikiree.
1:02:40 > 1:02:42You like this disguise?
1:02:42 > 1:02:44It's very good.
1:02:44 > 1:02:49I'm proud of this one. Like this, I can look like anybody.
1:02:51 > 1:02:53Rancor owns this island.
1:02:53 > 1:03:00Natives say stranger things happen here than at Neverland Valley Ranch.
1:02:58 > 1:03:00Look.
1:03:00 > 1:03:02It's nice.
1:03:02 > 1:03:05Kabul, stay in the boat.
1:03:05 > 1:03:11Why?
1:03:06 > 1:03:11When you hear the words, "Stay in the boat," you stay in the boat.
1:03:11 > 1:03:13Bye-bye.
1:03:17 > 1:03:19ANIMAL ROARS
1:03:20 > 1:03:23Dick, this is crazy.
1:03:23 > 1:03:28Crazy? Some people think muttering to yourself is crazy.
1:03:28 > 1:03:30I'll tell you what crazy is.
1:03:30 > 1:03:35Crazy is having a cantaloupe on your head saying,"I'm a hamster."
1:03:35 > 1:03:38"I'm a hamster." That's crazy.
1:03:46 > 1:03:49My life's work is now complete.
1:03:49 > 1:03:53Your co-operation is commendable. Thank you.
1:03:56 > 1:03:58Throw him in the cell.
1:03:58 > 1:04:01You said it was for world peace!
1:04:09 > 1:04:11Hello, General? Skippy.
1:04:11 > 1:04:14They're on the island.
1:04:14 > 1:04:16Ah-ha. Yeah.
1:04:16 > 1:04:20Well, well, well. What perfect timing.
1:04:20 > 1:04:24We are going to have more guests. Steele's not dead.
1:04:24 > 1:04:27He's on his way here. Throw her in the cell!
1:04:27 > 1:04:31- SHE SOBS - I thought you loved me!
1:04:31 > 1:04:33Nah, I was just using you.
1:04:33 > 1:04:36'7 hours, 59 minutes, 41 seconds.
1:04:36 > 1:04:39'7 hours, 59 minutes, 38 seconds.
1:04:39 > 1:04:41'7 hours, 59 minutes, 3...'
1:04:48 > 1:04:51Dick, look out!
1:04:51 > 1:04:53I got you now, Steele.
1:04:53 > 1:04:55Hey, where are you going?
1:04:57 > 1:04:59Take that!
1:05:00 > 1:05:02Hey, come back!
1:05:05 > 1:05:08Nowhere to go, Steele!
1:05:13 > 1:05:16How fast can you run, my friend?
1:05:20 > 1:05:22All right, men, tie him up.
1:05:22 > 1:05:25OK, go ahead, kill me.
1:05:25 > 1:05:29I got a bomb. You touch me and you'll blow up.
1:05:29 > 1:05:33You don't think I'd fall for that trick, do ya?
1:05:35 > 1:05:39Well, how about the old snake trick?!
1:05:39 > 1:05:41Aaaaaargh!!
1:05:51 > 1:05:53BEAST ROARS
1:06:02 > 1:06:05What is it?
1:06:03 > 1:06:05Shh.
1:06:05 > 1:06:07BURP
1:06:13 > 1:06:15Let's go.
1:06:15 > 1:06:18'2 hours, 59 minutes and 26 seconds to launch.'
1:06:18 > 1:06:222 hours, 59 minutes and 21 seconds to launch.
1:06:22 > 1:06:262 hours, 59 minutes and 19 seconds to launch.
1:06:26 > 1:06:30We have to get into Rancor's complex. Ready?
1:06:30 > 1:06:32Ready.
1:06:57 > 1:06:59BELL RINGS
1:07:09 > 1:07:11Here, help me with this.
1:07:11 > 1:07:13How patriotic, Dick.
1:07:13 > 1:07:17And deadly.
1:07:15 > 1:07:17Oh, Dick.
1:07:27 > 1:07:30- <- On my mark...Hi, Mark!
1:07:30 > 1:07:32Get set!
1:07:33 > 1:07:35- Father! - My child.
1:07:35 > 1:07:38Well, well.
1:07:38 > 1:07:40Dick Steele.
1:07:40 > 1:07:44I'd shake your hand, but I forgot where it landed.
1:07:44 > 1:07:46Clever. Clever? Clever(!)
1:07:46 > 1:07:48Take their weapons.
1:07:56 > 1:07:59Throw her in with the others. Bind him!
1:08:06 > 1:08:09Dick Steele?
1:08:07 > 1:08:09Miss Dahl.
1:08:10 > 1:08:14- Barbara Dahl. - Get your paws off me, you ape!
1:08:18 > 1:08:21You remember Barbara Dahl?
1:08:21 > 1:08:25Victoria's daughter? I'd like you to see her go up
1:08:25 > 1:08:28like you watched her mother go down,
1:08:28 > 1:08:32but I'd rather let you be a dessert for my little pet.
1:08:32 > 1:08:37- HE LAUGHS - What's left of you will watch helplessly
1:08:37 > 1:08:41while I play Mortal Kombat with the entire world!
1:08:41 > 1:08:43HE LAUGHS
1:09:31 > 1:09:33It's gonna blow!
1:09:56 > 1:09:58Ha-ha!
1:10:28 > 1:10:33You are very immature. Bullies have bad self-esteem.
1:10:37 > 1:10:38Ah-ha!
1:10:40 > 1:10:42Oh-ho!
1:10:45 > 1:10:49Leave me alone! I'm an unarmed man!
1:11:17 > 1:11:21Oh, Miss Cheevus.
1:11:19 > 1:11:21Dick, I'm sorry.
1:11:23 > 1:11:25Ah!
1:11:25 > 1:11:28You were under the influence of an evil man.
1:11:28 > 1:11:31It was still a lousy thing to do.
1:11:34 > 1:11:36Oh, oh!
1:11:36 > 1:11:41It's broken. You'll like space. Lots of elbow room and...
1:11:41 > 1:11:43Oh, oops, sorry.
1:11:43 > 1:11:45'1 minute and 11 seconds.'
1:11:45 > 1:11:47ALARM BEEPS
1:11:47 > 1:11:52You lose, Steele. That countdown is irreversible.
1:11:52 > 1:11:55RANCOR LAUGHS
1:11:53 > 1:11:55Really?
1:11:55 > 1:11:58Well, let's just see...
1:11:58 > 1:12:01..how irreversible that really is.
1:12:01 > 1:12:06There is nothing you patriotic pansies can do about it.
1:12:06 > 1:12:11Let me tell you what patriotic really is, you scumbag poop.
1:12:11 > 1:12:15This is a great country where a man can sue anyone.
1:12:15 > 1:12:19It's great because thousands die every year
1:12:19 > 1:12:24from handguns, yet right now you can walk into a store anywhere
1:12:24 > 1:12:26'and buy one of those guns.'
1:12:26 > 1:12:31It's time somebody does what Steele should have done.
1:12:31 > 1:12:33And it's gonna be me!
1:12:34 > 1:12:36Let's go!!
1:12:37 > 1:12:43..to run for President. This is a great country because any moron...
1:12:43 > 1:12:46OK, everyone, drop your guns!
1:12:46 > 1:12:48I'm, er, taking over.
1:12:50 > 1:12:53Steele? Get down from there!
1:12:54 > 1:12:58Dick, come on, we have to go. Now!
1:12:58 > 1:12:59Oh!
1:12:59 > 1:13:04Come on, come on.
1:13:00 > 1:13:04I wasn't finished.
1:13:02 > 1:13:04Hurry up. Just move it.
1:13:06 > 1:13:08I'm c-c-coming!
1:13:08 > 1:13:12Steele, you're always doing this to me!
1:13:14 > 1:13:18'You lose, Steele! I'll be back!
1:13:18 > 1:13:21'Maybe just tissue or brain...'
1:13:21 > 1:13:23Open the door! I'm stuck!
1:13:23 > 1:13:27I'm going up, but you and your whole world
1:13:27 > 1:13:29are going down!
1:13:29 > 1:13:35'I'll be back, maybe without legs or minor organs.'
1:13:32 > 1:13:35I don't want to miss the fireworks!
1:13:35 > 1:13:37Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!
1:13:47 > 1:13:50How about a hand for General Rancor?
1:13:51 > 1:13:53'You're not through with me!'
1:13:55 > 1:13:57Oh, well!
1:13:58 > 1:14:02'Er, Houston, we have a problem.'
1:14:10 > 1:14:13# He's always there
1:14:13 > 1:14:18# When the chips Are beginning to fall
1:14:18 > 1:14:21# He wouldn't care
1:14:21 > 1:14:24# If they kicked him and grabbed him
1:14:24 > 1:14:25# And shot him and stabbed him
1:14:25 > 1:14:30# And nailed Both his ears to the wall
1:14:31 > 1:14:33# Facing death every day
1:14:33 > 1:14:38# Is a tough job for any man
1:14:38 > 1:14:41# But his hours are flexible
1:14:41 > 1:14:46# And he's got a great dental plan
1:14:46 > 1:14:50# By the way, if you walked in late
1:14:50 > 1:14:54# Allow me to reiterate
1:14:54 > 1:14:57# The name of this movie
1:14:57 > 1:15:01# Was Spy Hard
1:15:01 > 1:15:05# They called it Spy Hard
1:15:05 > 1:15:09# You just saw Spy Hard
1:15:09 > 1:15:14# It's the end of Spy Hard! #
1:15:15 > 1:15:18Subtitles by Mali Griffiths IMS
1:15:18 > 1:15:21E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk