The King of Comedy

0:00:15 > 0:00:17MC: 'And now, from New York,

0:00:17 > 0:00:19'the Jerry Langford Show.

0:00:19 > 0:00:21'Jerry's guests -

0:00:21 > 0:00:23'Tony Randall,

0:00:23 > 0:00:26'Richard Dreyfus, Rodney Dangerfield,

0:00:26 > 0:00:30'Dr Joyce Brothers, Lou Brown and the orchestra.'

0:00:30 > 0:00:32And little old me, Ed Herlihy.

0:00:32 > 0:00:34And now, say hello...

0:00:34 > 0:00:36to Jerry!

0:00:36 > 0:00:38APPLAUSE

0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING

0:00:46 > 0:00:48WHISTLING

0:00:55 > 0:00:57MUSIC STOPS

0:00:57 > 0:01:01Thank you very much. You look like a great audience.

0:01:01 > 0:01:06Lou Brown, ladies and gentlemen and the marvellous Langford Orchestra.

0:01:07 > 0:01:10And Ed, how are you tonight?

0:01:10 > 0:01:13- I'm very well.- I'm sorry I woke you.

0:01:13 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER

0:01:25 > 0:01:28If you want Jerry's autograph, give me the books.

0:01:28 > 0:01:30Give me the books. OK.

0:01:30 > 0:01:33MAN: Have him write something personal.

0:01:33 > 0:01:36Half an hour! Goodbye.

0:01:40 > 0:01:43MAN MUTTERS

0:01:46 > 0:01:48Hiya, Rupert.

0:01:48 > 0:01:50Hey, Rupert, who did you get?

0:01:50 > 0:01:54I got Rodney Dangerfield. I'll trade it for Barbra.

0:01:54 > 0:01:57Sidney, I'm really not that interested.

0:01:57 > 0:02:01- It's not my whole life - - What's that supposed to mean?

0:02:01 > 0:02:03It's not my whole life.

0:02:03 > 0:02:05It's yours, but not mine.

0:02:06 > 0:02:08EXCITED SCREAMING

0:02:13 > 0:02:15SCREAMING

0:02:25 > 0:02:27Jerry, excuse me.

0:02:27 > 0:02:29I love you.

0:02:30 > 0:02:32Don't go, Jerry.

0:02:32 > 0:02:34No!

0:02:41 > 0:02:42Would you stop shoving?

0:02:42 > 0:02:45Are you OK?

0:02:45 > 0:02:47HUBBUB DROWNS SPEECH

0:02:49 > 0:02:51Jerry! No, no!

0:02:51 > 0:02:55MUSIC: "Come Rain Or Come Shine" by Ray Charles

0:03:08 > 0:03:10# I'm gonna love you

0:03:12 > 0:03:14# Like no-one's loved you

0:03:15 > 0:03:17# Come rain or come shine

0:03:23 > 0:03:25# High as a mountain

0:03:27 > 0:03:29# Deep as a river

0:03:30 > 0:03:33# Come rain or come shine

0:03:38 > 0:03:42# I guess when you met me

0:03:46 > 0:03:49# It was just one of those things

0:03:54 > 0:03:57# But don't ever bet me

0:03:59 > 0:04:02# Cos I'm gonna be true

0:04:02 > 0:04:05# Well, if you let me

0:04:08 > 0:04:10# You're gonna love me

0:04:12 > 0:04:14# Like nobody's loved me

0:04:16 > 0:04:19# Come rain or come shine

0:04:24 > 0:04:26# Happy together

0:04:27 > 0:04:30# Unhappy together

0:04:30 > 0:04:33# Wouldn't it be fine?

0:04:39 > 0:04:43# Days may be cloudy or sunny

0:04:46 > 0:04:50# We're in or we're out of the money

0:04:50 > 0:04:52# Yeah

0:04:53 > 0:04:57# I'm with you always

0:04:58 > 0:05:01# I'm with you rain

0:05:03 > 0:05:05# Or shine

0:05:05 > 0:05:09# Yeah. #

0:05:19 > 0:05:20SCREAMING

0:05:28 > 0:05:30No, will you just please...?

0:05:30 > 0:05:33OK!

0:05:33 > 0:05:35Stand back! Stand back!

0:05:35 > 0:05:38Please let Mr Langford get some air.

0:05:38 > 0:05:40Stand back!

0:05:49 > 0:05:51Get your hands off me!

0:05:57 > 0:06:00Jerry, I'm sorry. I don't mean to disturb you.

0:06:00 > 0:06:04- I just want to talk to you. - This is not the time.

0:06:04 > 0:06:05If we could just drive away.

0:06:05 > 0:06:08- I'll talk while we drive. - Drive away?

0:06:08 > 0:06:11I don't like people getting in the car.

0:06:11 > 0:06:15I don't mean to be rude, but I put myself on the line for you.

0:06:15 > 0:06:17Go ahead, Harvey. Hit it.

0:06:17 > 0:06:19HORN BEEPS

0:06:26 > 0:06:28Here.

0:06:28 > 0:06:30Thanks.

0:06:30 > 0:06:32- Is that your initials?- Yeah.

0:06:35 > 0:06:38I want to tell you, my name is Rupert Pupkin.

0:06:38 > 0:06:42It means nothing to you, but it means an awful lot to me.

0:06:45 > 0:06:47Calm down. Calm down. Take your time.

0:06:47 > 0:06:50You might have wondered who I am.

0:06:50 > 0:06:53I've been outside your show many times.

0:06:53 > 0:06:55I'm in communications right now,

0:06:55 > 0:06:58but by nature I'm a comedian, you know.

0:06:58 > 0:07:02I know what you'll say. "Oh, no, not another one."

0:07:02 > 0:07:05Believe me, I'm good. I'm dynamite.

0:07:05 > 0:07:09I wouldn't take your time if I wasn't convinced I'm dynamite.

0:07:09 > 0:07:14You wonder, if I'm so good, why haven't you caught my act somewhere.

0:07:14 > 0:07:16I'll tell you why.

0:07:16 > 0:07:19Up till now, I've bided my time slowly and carefully.

0:07:19 > 0:07:25So that when my big break came, like you when Jack Parr got sick.

0:07:25 > 0:07:28That night convinced me I wanted to be a comedian.

0:07:28 > 0:07:32I walked out of that show like I was in a dream.

0:07:32 > 0:07:34I saw you on Sullivan.

0:07:34 > 0:07:36I studied everything you did.

0:07:36 > 0:07:41I studied the way you built your one-liners, nice and relaxed.

0:07:41 > 0:07:45How you didn't say, "Folks, here's the punch line."

0:07:45 > 0:07:47You know what I'm talking about?

0:07:47 > 0:07:51You don't say, "Here's the punch line." You just do it.

0:07:51 > 0:07:53Exactly. That's what I love.

0:07:53 > 0:07:55What I'm trying to say is,

0:07:55 > 0:07:57now I'm ready.

0:07:57 > 0:07:59I've finished the course.

0:07:59 > 0:08:04And I'm thinking, as I sit here now, that maybe this is my big break.

0:08:04 > 0:08:05You know what I mean?

0:08:07 > 0:08:09What do you think?

0:08:13 > 0:08:16- What did you say your name was? - Rupert Pupkin.

0:08:16 > 0:08:20Look, pal, I gotta tell you this is a crazy business.

0:08:20 > 0:08:24But it's not unlike others. There are ground rules.

0:08:24 > 0:08:28You don't walk on to a network show without experience.

0:08:28 > 0:08:32It's a hackneyed expression, but you have to start at the bottom.

0:08:32 > 0:08:35- I know. That's where I am. - That's perfect.

0:08:35 > 0:08:38I know that but there's gotta be...

0:08:38 > 0:08:41It looks so simple to the viewer at home.

0:08:41 > 0:08:47Those things that are so relaxed and look like it's a matter of just taking another breath,

0:08:47 > 0:08:50it takes years and years of honing it.

0:08:50 > 0:08:55I don't mean to interrupt you, but the problem is I'm 34 years old.

0:08:55 > 0:08:58I'm asking you to listen to my act, that's all.

0:08:58 > 0:09:00Tell me what you think about it.

0:09:00 > 0:09:02I'll tell you what.

0:09:02 > 0:09:07Why don't you call my office and ask for Cathy Long, my secretary?

0:09:07 > 0:09:09We'll make time for you.

0:09:09 > 0:09:12I had this conversation in my head many times.

0:09:12 > 0:09:16- Did it always turn out this way? - Yeah, it did.

0:09:17 > 0:09:21I believe when you get over the initial shyness, you'll be OK.

0:09:21 > 0:09:23- Yeah?- Yeah.

0:09:23 > 0:09:26I hope it works out for you, Rupert.

0:09:26 > 0:09:28Thanks, Jerry. Thanks a lot.

0:09:28 > 0:09:30It was a pleasure meeting you, Jerry.

0:09:30 > 0:09:35Jerry. I'm a little short on cash, but I'd love to take you to dinner.

0:09:35 > 0:09:38I've got people waiting for me.

0:09:38 > 0:09:39OK.

0:09:39 > 0:09:44Thanks, Jerry. Jerry. Let me show you a picture of my pride and joy.

0:09:47 > 0:09:50- That's good.- That's good, is it? - Yeah, it is.

0:09:50 > 0:09:52Hey, Jerry, take it.

0:09:52 > 0:09:54Take it. Go ahead.

0:09:54 > 0:09:57Consider it a gift.

0:09:58 > 0:10:00I will.

0:10:00 > 0:10:02Jerry!

0:10:02 > 0:10:05Seriously, you ever want lunch, my treat.

0:10:05 > 0:10:07Call my office.

0:10:07 > 0:10:08OK.

0:10:08 > 0:10:10Jerry,

0:10:10 > 0:10:12you're a prince.

0:10:24 > 0:10:28Hey, Rupe, I really appreciate you meeting me for lunch.

0:10:28 > 0:10:31I know how busy and how tired you are.

0:10:33 > 0:10:35What are friends for, Jerry?

0:10:39 > 0:10:42- You're the one who looks tired. - Yeah, I know.

0:10:42 > 0:10:44It's the show.

0:10:45 > 0:10:47The pressure, the ratings.

0:10:47 > 0:10:50The same guests, the same questions.

0:10:51 > 0:10:53I'm not enjoying it any more.

0:10:53 > 0:10:55That's...the worst.

0:10:58 > 0:11:02Listen. I really wish you'd think about it again.

0:11:02 > 0:11:04What? You're starting again?

0:11:04 > 0:11:06You're starting up again?

0:11:06 > 0:11:10- It's not that big a deal to think. - I am thinking.

0:11:10 > 0:11:13I do. I think day and night about it.

0:11:13 > 0:11:15How can I not think about it?

0:11:15 > 0:11:19I'm having lunch with you, which is why you invited me.

0:11:19 > 0:11:21I'm just getting guilty with you.

0:11:21 > 0:11:26I want you to take over the show for six weeks. What's six weeks?

0:11:26 > 0:11:31I'll give you anything, but don't ask me to do the show for six weeks.

0:11:31 > 0:11:34I can't even take over my own life for six weeks.

0:11:34 > 0:11:38You're asking me to do something impossible.

0:11:38 > 0:11:40- Rupert!- What?

0:11:40 > 0:11:42What are you doing down there?

0:11:42 > 0:11:46It's impossible! Do you want the tears to come out of my eyes?

0:11:46 > 0:11:50There must be a way to work it out. It's just six weeks.

0:11:50 > 0:11:52Excuse me. ..Mr Pupkin?

0:11:52 > 0:11:54- Do you think you could...?- Yeah.

0:11:54 > 0:11:56What's your name, dear?

0:11:56 > 0:12:00- Dolores.- Dolores? That was my father's name.

0:12:00 > 0:12:02"To Dolores...

0:12:02 > 0:12:04"Sensed greatness."

0:12:06 > 0:12:08There you go, sweetheart.

0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Thanks, Mr Pupkin.- Don't mention it.

0:12:12 > 0:12:15MOM: Rupert! Who are you talking to?

0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Mom!- What is it?

0:12:17 > 0:12:20PLEASE stop calling me.

0:12:25 > 0:12:27It's terrific. It's great.

0:12:27 > 0:12:29There's only one problem.

0:12:29 > 0:12:33- He made you bigger. - Will you give me an answer?

0:12:33 > 0:12:35All right, you got the six weeks.

0:12:35 > 0:12:39Don't bother me. I'll give you the six weeks. Are you happy now?

0:12:39 > 0:12:44- You're a tough man, Rupe. - You gotta be in this business.

0:13:13 > 0:13:15PHONE RINGS

0:13:17 > 0:13:19PHONE RINGS

0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Hello. - 'Hello. It's Masha, Jerry.'

0:13:27 > 0:13:29Who? Who is this?

0:13:29 > 0:13:33'It's Masha. I left a note on the back seat.'

0:13:33 > 0:13:36'I dropped it before they dragged me out.'

0:13:36 > 0:13:39'Those guys hurt me. I think it was a bit much.'

0:13:39 > 0:13:43- How did you get this number? - 'Don't get angry.'

0:13:43 > 0:13:45How did you get this number?

0:13:45 > 0:13:47'I've been trying to call you...'

0:13:48 > 0:13:50HE TAKES PHONE OFF HOOK

0:14:25 > 0:14:27How have you been, Rita?

0:14:28 > 0:14:30Do I know you?

0:14:30 > 0:14:32I think you might.

0:14:37 > 0:14:39Rupert.

0:14:39 > 0:14:41- Rupert Pupkin, right?- Right.

0:14:42 > 0:14:45I brought you a little present.

0:14:46 > 0:14:48Oh, yeah, I remember.

0:14:48 > 0:14:50Mr Romance.

0:14:51 > 0:14:54An aspirin will help it last.

0:14:56 > 0:14:58So, what are you up to these days?

0:14:58 > 0:15:01You're looking as beautiful as ever, Rita.

0:15:02 > 0:15:05Here I am. Local cheerleader makes good.

0:15:05 > 0:15:06You know,

0:15:06 > 0:15:10it's funny, but I voted for you in Miss Beautiful.

0:15:10 > 0:15:14- Did you? That was sweet. - I didn't have the nerve to tell you.

0:15:14 > 0:15:17Now you can tell me. We're both adults.

0:15:17 > 0:15:19Isn't that funny, though?

0:15:19 > 0:15:24When you're younger, you're afraid to say those things.

0:15:24 > 0:15:2815, 20 years later, you can say all those things you should have.

0:15:28 > 0:15:31Isn't that the final irony of life?

0:15:31 > 0:15:33I guess.

0:15:35 > 0:15:38Are you happy in this place, Rita?

0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Why? You got something better? - Maybe.

0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Like what? - What are you doing tonight?

0:15:46 > 0:15:48What am I doing tonight?

0:15:48 > 0:15:50What's so funny?

0:15:50 > 0:15:54It only took you 15 years to ask me for a date. It's a little late.

0:15:55 > 0:15:57Really?

0:15:57 > 0:15:58Well...

0:15:58 > 0:16:00Waiter.

0:16:00 > 0:16:02Can I have a fresh one?

0:16:02 > 0:16:04Rita.

0:16:04 > 0:16:06Who is your favourite movie star?

0:16:06 > 0:16:09What is this? Some kind of a game?

0:16:09 > 0:16:12Will you tell me something about my character?

0:16:12 > 0:16:16You'll see. Everybody has a favourite movie star.

0:16:16 > 0:16:20I'd better come up with somebody or we won't get out of here.

0:16:21 > 0:16:23- That's a little test.- Oh, let's see.

0:16:23 > 0:16:25Marilyn Monroe.

0:16:27 > 0:16:29Perfect.

0:16:37 > 0:16:39Ballot register, huh?

0:16:42 > 0:16:44That's her name.

0:16:44 > 0:16:48She signed this on the publicity tour for The Misfits.

0:16:48 > 0:16:51- That was her last movie.- Yeah.

0:16:51 > 0:16:55She wasn't a great actress, but she did have a real gift for comedy.

0:16:55 > 0:17:00She died tragically alone like many of the world's beautiful women.

0:17:00 > 0:17:03I don't want to see that happen to you.

0:17:06 > 0:17:08Who's this?

0:17:08 > 0:17:10Burt Reynolds.

0:17:10 > 0:17:13Mel Brooks. He's what you call "on" funny.

0:17:13 > 0:17:16Others are just regular.

0:17:16 > 0:17:18Sid Caesar is remarkable.

0:17:18 > 0:17:19I like him. He's great.

0:17:19 > 0:17:23- Woody Allen is a personal friend of mine.- Of course he is.

0:17:24 > 0:17:26No, he is.

0:17:26 > 0:17:28That's Ernie Kovacs.

0:17:28 > 0:17:30He was wonderful.

0:17:30 > 0:17:34He was a great comedian. A great innovator. A great loss.

0:17:34 > 0:17:36I bet these are worth money.

0:17:36 > 0:17:40Oh, yeah. Especially this one. Just hold it.

0:17:44 > 0:17:46Who's this?

0:17:46 > 0:17:48Just take a guess.

0:17:48 > 0:17:50It looks like a retard wrote this.

0:17:51 > 0:17:55The more scribbled the name, the bigger the fame.

0:17:55 > 0:17:58That may be true, but who is it?

0:17:58 > 0:17:59R is the first letter.

0:18:00 > 0:18:04- Who is it? I'm tired. - I'll give you a hint.

0:18:04 > 0:18:06Oooh.

0:18:06 > 0:18:08Robert Redford.

0:18:08 > 0:18:10No.

0:18:10 > 0:18:12No, no.

0:18:13 > 0:18:15That's Rupert Pupkin.

0:18:17 > 0:18:19Rupert Pupkin.

0:18:21 > 0:18:23I surprised you, didn't I?

0:18:26 > 0:18:28Take this as a gift.

0:18:32 > 0:18:35Take care of it. Everyone will want one.

0:18:35 > 0:18:37Rupert, you have not changed.

0:18:38 > 0:18:41Today, do you know who I was talking to? Guess.

0:18:41 > 0:18:43Your shrink?

0:18:43 > 0:18:45That's very funny.

0:18:45 > 0:18:47No. Jerry Langford.

0:18:47 > 0:18:51Yes. THE Jerry Langford. He gave me the go-ahead.

0:18:51 > 0:18:54And you know what? Don't tell anyone,

0:18:54 > 0:18:56but you're with the new King of Comedy.

0:18:57 > 0:18:59Why not me?

0:18:59 > 0:19:03Why not? A guy can get anything he wants if he pays the price.

0:19:03 > 0:19:07What's so funny? Crazier things have happened.

0:19:07 > 0:19:11You don't understand what a shot on Langford means.

0:19:11 > 0:19:16It's national TV. A bigger audience than you could get in a lifetime.

0:19:16 > 0:19:18A shot at the comedy circuit.

0:19:18 > 0:19:23A comedy show of my own. The Rupert Pupkin Show. Everything.

0:19:23 > 0:19:25That all leads to Hollywood.

0:19:25 > 0:19:27A beach house in Malibu.

0:19:27 > 0:19:31We'll keep a suite at the Sheri. Everybody big stays there.

0:19:31 > 0:19:36Up top, so we can look down and yell, "Tough luck, suckers."

0:19:36 > 0:19:38Come on. What do you say?

0:19:38 > 0:19:40It sounds wonderful, Rupert,

0:19:40 > 0:19:43but it's getting late and I'm a working girl.

0:19:43 > 0:19:46- I gotta go home.- I don't get you.

0:19:46 > 0:19:48Here I am offering you a way out.

0:19:48 > 0:19:50Rita,

0:19:50 > 0:19:52every king needs a queen.

0:19:52 > 0:19:55I want you to be mine.

0:19:55 > 0:19:57Thanks.

0:19:58 > 0:20:01It's a very nice street. Nice building.

0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Thanks for your jacket, Rupert.- Oh.

0:20:03 > 0:20:07I guess you're entitled to come up and have some coffee.

0:20:07 > 0:20:10No. I wouldn't want to impose, really.

0:20:10 > 0:20:12What do you want, Rupert?

0:20:12 > 0:20:14What?

0:20:16 > 0:20:18What do you want?

0:20:18 > 0:20:20What do I want?

0:20:20 > 0:20:23You still don't understand? I love you.

0:20:23 > 0:20:27I want to help change your life. Just give me a chance.

0:20:28 > 0:20:32What if I set something up between me, you and Jerry?

0:20:32 > 0:20:35What if we went out for dinner? What do you think?

0:20:35 > 0:20:38Or we'll go to his summer house.

0:20:38 > 0:20:41- He wouldn't want to meet me. - Not true.

0:20:43 > 0:20:45Jerry is a very nice guy.

0:20:45 > 0:20:48He's a nice guy and we had a terrific meeting.

0:20:48 > 0:20:50Don't sell yourself short.

0:20:50 > 0:20:54You have too little faith. You're wonderful.

0:20:55 > 0:20:58Why don't you go to sleep and get a good night's rest?

0:20:58 > 0:21:00OK?

0:21:00 > 0:21:02OK.

0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Good night, Rupert.- Good night.

0:21:08 > 0:21:10Go to sleep right away.

0:21:20 > 0:21:22I tell you, boy.

0:21:23 > 0:21:25Hiya, Liza. Good seeing you.

0:21:25 > 0:21:27Jerry. Good seeing you.

0:21:27 > 0:21:29Jerry. Don't get up.

0:21:30 > 0:21:33Ah, boy, I'll tell you.

0:21:33 > 0:21:35Every time you come back from a tour,

0:21:35 > 0:21:38something in the air really becomes you.

0:21:38 > 0:21:40It's like you're rejuvenated.

0:21:40 > 0:21:43Isn't that so, everybody? Isn't that so?

0:21:43 > 0:21:46Yeah, that's the truth.

0:21:46 > 0:21:48Amazing. You look wonderful.

0:21:48 > 0:21:50You look wonderful, too, Jerry.

0:21:50 > 0:21:52I wasn't leaving you out.

0:21:53 > 0:21:55What?

0:21:55 > 0:21:57Yeah!

0:22:02 > 0:22:04Ah, Jerry. I love this guy.

0:22:04 > 0:22:07You always come out with these great lines.

0:22:07 > 0:22:10You're wonderful.

0:22:10 > 0:22:12I don't know what I'd do without you.

0:22:12 > 0:22:15MOM: Rupert, your bus is here.

0:22:15 > 0:22:17Try to be on time for once!

0:22:17 > 0:22:19I can't believe this.

0:22:19 > 0:22:21I gotta go now. I gotta catch a bus.

0:22:21 > 0:22:23Jerry, take care of yourself.

0:22:23 > 0:22:26Baby, be good. Good luck in Rio.

0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Good morning, Rupert.- Good morning.

0:22:33 > 0:22:35- How are you?- This is for you.

0:22:35 > 0:22:37Work.

0:22:39 > 0:22:42- What time is it?- Ten o'clock.

0:22:42 > 0:22:45Ten o'clock? Can I use the phone for one second?

0:22:45 > 0:22:49Is it local? Sure. Just dial 9 and make it short.

0:22:56 > 0:22:58Hello. Jerry Langford, please.

0:22:58 > 0:23:00Rupert Pupkin.

0:23:01 > 0:23:03Thank you.

0:23:03 > 0:23:05Yes.

0:23:05 > 0:23:08Is Jerry there, please? Rupert Pupkin.

0:23:08 > 0:23:13Yes. Just tell him it's Rupert calling. He'll know what it's about.

0:23:15 > 0:23:17Oh.

0:23:17 > 0:23:21Oh, he is? That's OK. I'm in a meeting myself.

0:23:21 > 0:23:23Just tell him I called, OK? Thank you.

0:23:23 > 0:23:25And I'll call later. Bye.

0:23:25 > 0:23:28Is that THE Jerry Langford?

0:23:28 > 0:23:30I'll see you.

0:23:32 > 0:23:35Hello. Jerry Langford, please.

0:23:35 > 0:23:37Rupert Pupkin.

0:23:37 > 0:23:40Rupert Pupkin calling Jerry Langford.

0:23:41 > 0:23:43Which, the first or the second name?

0:23:43 > 0:23:47P-U-P-K-I-N. It's often mispronounced and misspelled.

0:23:47 > 0:23:49So that's quite...

0:23:49 > 0:23:53Yes, Jerry knows what I'm calling about.

0:23:53 > 0:23:55I see, I see.

0:23:56 > 0:23:58I see. Yes, you can call me.

0:23:58 > 0:24:01I'll be here for the next hour and a half.

0:24:01 > 0:24:03I'm at my office.

0:24:03 > 0:24:06The number is JL5-4321.

0:24:13 > 0:24:16Don't worry. I am waiting for a phone call.

0:24:16 > 0:24:19All these phones don't work.

0:24:19 > 0:24:21The phone does not work.

0:24:21 > 0:24:23I am expecting a phone call.

0:24:23 > 0:24:25Let me try. I'll make a phone call.

0:24:25 > 0:24:27Hey, wait, wait, wait!

0:24:27 > 0:24:30Let me just slide in. Let me just make a call!

0:24:32 > 0:24:34This phone don't work!

0:24:37 > 0:24:39POLICE SIREN STARTS UP

0:25:07 > 0:25:09- Yes, sir?- Jerry Langford, please.

0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Your name, please? - Pupkin. Rupert Pupkin.

0:25:14 > 0:25:16Rupert...

0:25:16 > 0:25:18Pupkin. P-U-P-K-I-N.

0:25:18 > 0:25:21People often misspell it or mispronounce it.

0:25:23 > 0:25:27There's a man here by the name of Rupert Pumpkin.

0:25:27 > 0:25:29To see Mr Langford.

0:25:32 > 0:25:34I'm sorry, Mr Pumpkin,

0:25:34 > 0:25:38but his secretary has no record of your appointment.

0:25:39 > 0:25:41Pardon me?

0:25:41 > 0:25:43We have no record of an appointment.

0:25:43 > 0:25:48Technically speaking, I don't have an official appointment.

0:25:48 > 0:25:51But he did ask me to call him personally.

0:25:51 > 0:25:54I had trouble calling for some reason.

0:25:54 > 0:25:56The line seemed to be busy.

0:25:56 > 0:25:59He has no appointment.

0:25:59 > 0:26:03His secretary wants to know what this is in reference to.

0:26:03 > 0:26:06Hello.

0:26:06 > 0:26:10Jerry and I discussed my being on the show. He told me to call.

0:26:11 > 0:26:13Oh, sure, sure. Sure.

0:26:14 > 0:26:16I'm supposed to wait.

0:26:51 > 0:26:53Is that cork?

0:26:53 > 0:26:55I don't know what it is.

0:26:55 > 0:26:59- Is it dripping on you? - No. I was looking at the patterns.

0:27:01 > 0:27:03Cork is good for sound.

0:27:04 > 0:27:07It's very quiet in here.

0:27:07 > 0:27:11Reception. No, you've got an hour or so before they come.

0:27:12 > 0:27:15No, he hasn't come back.

0:27:15 > 0:27:17Mr Pipkin?

0:27:17 > 0:27:20- Pupkin. - I'm Cathy Long. Can I help you?

0:27:20 > 0:27:22I'm Bert Thomas's assistant.

0:27:22 > 0:27:24He's our executive producer.

0:27:24 > 0:27:28I've already spoken to Jerry directly about being on the show.

0:27:28 > 0:27:31He told me to get in touch personally.

0:27:31 > 0:27:34- What is it that you do? - I'm a stand-up comic.

0:27:34 > 0:27:38Right now I'm just working on new material.

0:27:38 > 0:27:40As soon as you start working again,

0:27:40 > 0:27:44call us and we'll send someone to check out your act.

0:27:44 > 0:27:47Jerry and I went over this last night.

0:27:47 > 0:27:51- Does Jerry know your work? - Yes. I don't think he does.

0:27:51 > 0:27:55- Do you have a tape I can listen to? - A tape? Naturally.

0:27:55 > 0:27:57- Drop me by a tape.- I will.

0:27:57 > 0:27:59I can see why Jerry would need that.

0:27:59 > 0:28:03- Of course. Nice meeting you. - Nice meeting you, too.

0:28:03 > 0:28:06This is really what's right.

0:28:06 > 0:28:08This is great.

0:28:08 > 0:28:10See you again. Nice talking to you.

0:28:20 > 0:28:22Rupert. Hey, Rupert!

0:28:22 > 0:28:26I've got to talk to you. What happened last night?

0:28:26 > 0:28:29- Nothing happened. - Did he talk about me?

0:28:29 > 0:28:33- No. He talked about me.- He must have said something about me.

0:28:33 > 0:28:37What's he gonna say about you after what you did in the car?

0:28:37 > 0:28:39You must really love this, Rupert.

0:28:39 > 0:28:43- You were schmucko supremo. - I'm the schmuck, me?

0:28:43 > 0:28:45You're very wrong, buddy.

0:28:45 > 0:28:48If I hadn't gotten in that car,

0:28:48 > 0:28:51- you couldn't have talked to Jerry. - What?- Yes!

0:28:51 > 0:28:56I don't want to be cruel, but God forbid he should see me with you.

0:28:56 > 0:29:00Jerry and I have a real relationship. No fantasy world.

0:29:00 > 0:29:03I don't even want to see you any more.

0:29:03 > 0:29:05If that's how you want it.

0:29:06 > 0:29:09- I'm sorry.- Just get it to him!

0:29:09 > 0:29:11I'm giving him nothing. No way, Jose.

0:29:11 > 0:29:16- You're so friendly. You do it. - We have communication problems.

0:29:16 > 0:29:20Is that what you call it? Go ahead. Give it to him.

0:29:20 > 0:29:23Just do this for me. I've done things for you.

0:29:23 > 0:29:27You haven't done anything for me! What do you mean?

0:29:27 > 0:29:31How about Howard Johnson's? I brought you coffee every night.

0:29:31 > 0:29:33I think your mind is screwed up.

0:29:33 > 0:29:37- I bought my own coffee. - You never bought anything!

0:29:37 > 0:29:40I did things for you that NO money can buy.

0:29:40 > 0:29:43What about the time I gave you my spot?

0:29:43 > 0:29:47I let you get next to Jerry. I waited for eight hours for him.

0:29:47 > 0:29:50You were crying and you got next to him.

0:29:50 > 0:29:53I gave you my last album of The Best Of Jerry!

0:29:53 > 0:29:55It wasn't anybody else. It was ME.

0:29:55 > 0:29:59I didn't ask for money and I can't pay my rent!

0:29:59 > 0:30:03I live in a hovel and you live in a townhouse! I can't believe you!

0:30:03 > 0:30:06If you want to do that, I've got money for you.

0:30:06 > 0:30:11I can't believe how long I've listened to your tired jokes.

0:30:11 > 0:30:13Will you be quiet?

0:30:13 > 0:30:15Take this and give it to Jerry!

0:30:15 > 0:30:18All right. This is the last time. The last time.

0:30:18 > 0:30:21- When will you get it to him? - You're a wacko.

0:30:21 > 0:30:25I'll know if you don't! I know where you work!

0:30:25 > 0:30:28I cover the waterfront! Remember that.

0:30:28 > 0:30:32What are you looking at? You're scum, street trash.

0:30:46 > 0:30:50Miss Long, thanks for your help and passing this on to Jerry.

0:30:50 > 0:30:53I appreciate it more than you know.

0:30:53 > 0:30:57Jerry, before I begin, I want to thank you for listening to this

0:30:57 > 0:31:00and for the opportunity you've given me.

0:31:00 > 0:31:03People think that guys who've made it

0:31:03 > 0:31:06lose their feeling for struggling young talent.

0:31:06 > 0:31:12But now I know those people are just cynics embittered by their own failure.

0:31:12 > 0:31:15You are as human as the rest of us. If not more so.

0:31:15 > 0:31:18There's no point in going on about it.

0:31:18 > 0:31:22So, let's get on with the show - The Best Of Rupert Pupkin.

0:31:22 > 0:31:26I've sketched out this outline to save you a bit of time.

0:31:26 > 0:31:28It's a little introduction.

0:31:28 > 0:31:33Close your eyes and imagine it's exactly six o'clock.

0:31:33 > 0:31:37You're in the wings and the orchestra strikes up your theme song.

0:31:37 > 0:31:40MUSIC: "Jerry Langford Theme"

0:31:40 > 0:31:44MC: 'And now, from New York, it's the Jerry Langford Show.'

0:31:44 > 0:31:51'With Jerry's guests, Richard Pryor, Ben Gazzara, Elizabeth Ashley, Carol Burnett...'

0:31:51 > 0:31:55And the comedy find of the year, making his television debut,

0:31:55 > 0:31:58Rupert Pupkin, the new King of Comedy.

0:31:58 > 0:32:01MOM: Rupert! Are you crazy?

0:32:01 > 0:32:05What's the matter with you? People are asleep. Lower it!

0:32:05 > 0:32:07HE MOUTHS

0:32:07 > 0:32:09MOM: What's the matter with you?

0:32:09 > 0:32:11Mom!

0:32:11 > 0:32:15- Take it easy. Lower it. - I won't! I have to do this now!

0:32:15 > 0:32:18I don't mind you playing it, but lower it.

0:32:20 > 0:32:23You come on, Jerry, and do your monologue.

0:32:23 > 0:32:28Then this is how I see you introducing me, saying something like this.

0:32:28 > 0:32:35Will you please give your warmest welcome to the newest King of Comedy - Rupert Pupkin!

0:32:35 > 0:32:37APPLAUSE

0:32:38 > 0:32:41Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

0:32:41 > 0:32:44My name is Rupert Pupkin. I was born in New Jersey.

0:32:44 > 0:32:46LAUGHTER

0:32:49 > 0:32:51Is there anyone here from...?

0:32:51 > 0:32:53LAUGHTER

0:32:55 > 0:32:57But the fact is...

0:32:57 > 0:33:00LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:33:02 > 0:33:08INTENSE LAUGHTER REVERBERATES

0:33:28 > 0:33:30Mr Pipkin.

0:33:30 > 0:33:34- Pupkin.- Pupkin, sorry. - You'll get it right one day.

0:33:34 > 0:33:39- I bet you have a tape for me. - Right here.- Got your name on it?

0:33:39 > 0:33:41We'll listen and get it back to you.

0:33:41 > 0:33:44Thank you. When Jerry finds a moment.

0:33:44 > 0:33:46When will that be?

0:33:48 > 0:33:52Actually, you can try me tomorrow. Otherwise Monday.

0:33:52 > 0:33:54Monday?

0:33:54 > 0:33:57Miss Long, I might just wait here a while.

0:33:57 > 0:34:02- Maybe Jerry will find a minute. - Mr Pupkin, you're wasting your time.

0:34:02 > 0:34:05I don't mind. I'm not wasting my time.

0:34:05 > 0:34:08I'm glad to do it. It's important to me.

0:34:08 > 0:34:11- I really don't mind. - It'll be Monday.- Monday?

0:34:13 > 0:34:15Well, I'll still wait.

0:34:15 > 0:34:18Really, I don't mind. It's OK.

0:34:20 > 0:34:22Why don't you try me tomorrow?

0:34:22 > 0:34:24Tomorrow?

0:34:24 > 0:34:29- What time tomorrow?- 4:30. - 4:30. I'll be here. Thank you.

0:34:29 > 0:34:32- You're welcome. - And thank Jerry.- I will.

0:34:36 > 0:34:38Goodbye.

0:34:42 > 0:34:44Goodbye.

0:34:45 > 0:34:48At least once in his life,

0:34:48 > 0:34:50every man is a genius.

0:34:50 > 0:34:54Rupe, it'll be more than once in your life for you.

0:34:54 > 0:34:56Because you've got it.

0:34:56 > 0:34:58From what I heard, you've got it.

0:34:58 > 0:35:01You're stuck with it. You can't get rid of it.

0:35:01 > 0:35:03It's always gonna be there.

0:35:03 > 0:35:06Now, I know there's no formula for it.

0:35:06 > 0:35:08I just don't know how you do it.

0:35:08 > 0:35:13And I'm not curious because I want to use the material.

0:35:13 > 0:35:16I'm curious because I want to know how you do it.

0:35:16 > 0:35:19I have to ask you that. How do you do it?

0:35:19 > 0:35:22I think it's that I look at my whole life

0:35:22 > 0:35:28and I see the awful, terrible things in my life and turn it into something funny.

0:35:28 > 0:35:30It just happens.

0:35:30 > 0:35:33Were the one-liners strong enough?

0:35:33 > 0:35:36If they were stronger, you'd hurt yourself.

0:35:36 > 0:35:39They're marvellous, you daffy bastard.

0:35:39 > 0:35:41I remember a man said...

0:35:41 > 0:35:46Listen to me. A man said something profound years ago which I later originated.

0:35:46 > 0:35:49"If it ain't broke,

0:35:49 > 0:35:52"don't fix it." How do I know it's so good?

0:35:52 > 0:35:54Cos I envy you.

0:35:54 > 0:35:57I hate you, but I envy you, because it's marvellous.

0:35:57 > 0:36:02It's humour based on you. No-one else can do it but you.

0:36:02 > 0:36:05I wouldn't lie. I wouldn't lie to you, Rupe.

0:36:05 > 0:36:09This weekend would be a perfect time for you to come out to the house

0:36:09 > 0:36:11and we can hash it around.

0:36:11 > 0:36:13I want to know how you do it.

0:36:13 > 0:36:16There'll be people there, but we can work.

0:36:16 > 0:36:18It sounds great.

0:36:18 > 0:36:21- I would really like to come. - Wonderful.

0:36:21 > 0:36:25- Could I bring somebody? - A young lady?

0:36:25 > 0:36:27A very special young lady.

0:36:27 > 0:36:30Of course. I'd like to meet her.

0:36:31 > 0:36:33CAR HORN BEEPS

0:36:33 > 0:36:36- Hey, Jerry, how are you doing? - How are you?

0:36:36 > 0:36:40- You're looking good. - You should see me in white taffeta.

0:36:40 > 0:36:43You do some great shows, Jerry.

0:36:43 > 0:36:45Thanks a lot.

0:36:45 > 0:36:50- How about putting me on your show? - I could have used you last night.

0:36:51 > 0:36:53WHISTLING FROM ABOVE

0:36:53 > 0:36:55APPLAUSE

0:36:55 > 0:36:57CHEERING

0:37:03 > 0:37:05Come on down!

0:37:09 > 0:37:11- Hi, Jerry, how are you?- Hi, there.

0:37:11 > 0:37:14Morris, you will not believe who is here.

0:37:14 > 0:37:16Jerry Langford, right?

0:37:16 > 0:37:18Morris, please hold on.

0:37:18 > 0:37:20Could you sign my magazine?

0:37:20 > 0:37:24You're wonderful. I've watched your entire career.

0:37:24 > 0:37:28Please would you just say something to my nephew Morris?

0:37:28 > 0:37:30He's in the hospital.

0:37:30 > 0:37:33- I'm sorry, I'm late. - You should get cancer!

0:37:33 > 0:37:35I hope you get cancer!

0:37:35 > 0:37:37I can't. I'm late.

0:38:03 > 0:38:06CAR HORNS BLARE

0:38:41 > 0:38:43Yes, sir? Oh, hi.

0:38:43 > 0:38:45- Hi. How are you?- Not bad.

0:38:45 > 0:38:47Good, good. I'm fine.

0:38:47 > 0:38:50Can I help you?

0:38:50 > 0:38:52Yes. I'd like to see Jerry.

0:38:52 > 0:38:55- You are...?- Pupkin.

0:38:55 > 0:38:56Rupert Pupkin.

0:38:58 > 0:39:00Mr Pupkin's here.

0:39:02 > 0:39:04She'll be with you in a minute.

0:39:04 > 0:39:06Who was that?

0:39:06 > 0:39:08- Miss Long.- Oh.

0:39:09 > 0:39:12I'd prefer to see Jerry.

0:39:12 > 0:39:14Miss Long will take care of you.

0:39:14 > 0:39:16OK. I'll wait right here.

0:39:23 > 0:39:25And as a surprise to Rupert,

0:39:25 > 0:39:30we'd like to present to you someone in a form we've never presented before.

0:39:30 > 0:39:34Would you please welcome our mystery guest?

0:39:34 > 0:39:36Let's hear it for him.

0:39:36 > 0:39:38APPLAUSE

0:39:45 > 0:39:47Jerry, this is the mystery guest?

0:39:47 > 0:39:49This is the mystery guest.

0:39:49 > 0:39:52Let's see if I can place him. I think I know.

0:39:52 > 0:39:55- Don't you remember me?- No, I don't.

0:39:55 > 0:39:59- I'm George Kapp.- George Kapp, my high school principal.

0:39:59 > 0:40:01- Yes.- Well, how are you?

0:40:01 > 0:40:05He used to fail me all the time. He's an enemy.

0:40:05 > 0:40:08- Only because you deserved it. - Oh, thank you.

0:40:08 > 0:40:12I'm a justice of the peace now. I perform weddings.

0:40:12 > 0:40:14MUSIC: "Here Comes The Bride"

0:40:17 > 0:40:20What are you doing? I can't believe this.

0:40:20 > 0:40:22Just believe it.

0:40:22 > 0:40:28How would you like to see the King of Comedy marry his queen right here on the show?

0:40:28 > 0:40:31- I don't know what to say! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:40:47 > 0:40:51FLOURISH

0:40:57 > 0:40:59MUSIC: "Here Comes The Bride"

0:41:41 > 0:41:43Dearly beloved.

0:41:43 > 0:41:47When Rupert was a student at Clifton High School,

0:41:47 > 0:41:50none of us, myself, his teachers, his classmates,

0:41:50 > 0:41:54dreamt that he would amount to a hill of beans.

0:41:56 > 0:41:59But we were wrong. And, Rupert, you were right.

0:42:00 > 0:42:02And that's why tonight,

0:42:02 > 0:42:04before the entire nation,

0:42:04 > 0:42:07we'd like to apologise to you personally

0:42:09 > 0:42:11and to beg your forgiveness

0:42:12 > 0:42:14for all the things we did to you.

0:42:15 > 0:42:19And we'd like to thank you personally, all of us,

0:42:19 > 0:42:21for the meaning

0:42:21 > 0:42:23you've given

0:42:23 > 0:42:25our lives.

0:42:25 > 0:42:28Please accept our warmest wishes, Rita,

0:42:28 > 0:42:30and Rupert,

0:42:30 > 0:42:33for a long and successful reign together.

0:42:36 > 0:42:39We'll be back to marry them after this word.

0:42:41 > 0:42:43Mr Pupkin.

0:42:43 > 0:42:46- How are you today?- I'm fine. - Good, good.

0:42:46 > 0:42:50Thank you for your tape. We listened to it with great interest.

0:42:50 > 0:42:54- I'm glad.- We see a lot of good things in what you do.

0:42:54 > 0:42:57- We think you have good potential. - Good, good.

0:42:57 > 0:43:00- So I'll be honest. - You should be honest.

0:43:00 > 0:43:04- We don't think you're ready yet. - Don't think I'm ready?

0:43:04 > 0:43:07Right now you're not right for Jerry.

0:43:07 > 0:43:10- Some of the material is good.- Yes.

0:43:10 > 0:43:13But some of the one-liners are not strong.

0:43:13 > 0:43:17They're not very strong. You didn't like the jokes?

0:43:17 > 0:43:20- That's right. - Good. I can take care of that.

0:43:20 > 0:43:23Tell me the ones you don't like. It will help.

0:43:23 > 0:43:28- You have good potential. Your timing was excellent.- Thanks.

0:43:28 > 0:43:32You should develop your act and test it with live situations.

0:43:32 > 0:43:34That would be good for you.

0:43:34 > 0:43:37There are a number of clubs you can try.

0:43:37 > 0:43:42When you start, give us a call. We'll send someone to see you.

0:43:42 > 0:43:44- Thanks.- You're welcome. Bye.

0:43:44 > 0:43:46Thank you.

0:43:47 > 0:43:49- May I ask you a question?- Yes.

0:43:49 > 0:43:52- Are you speaking for Jerry? - Yes, I am.

0:43:52 > 0:43:54He has faith in our judgment.

0:43:54 > 0:43:57I'm sorry, and don't take this personally, but I don't.

0:43:57 > 0:44:00I DON'T have faith in your judgment.

0:44:00 > 0:44:04I'm sorry you feel that way. We can't do anything about that.

0:44:04 > 0:44:07No. I have to disagree with you.

0:44:07 > 0:44:09That's your privilege, Mr Pupkin.

0:44:09 > 0:44:11Excuse me, please. I'm busy.

0:44:11 > 0:44:14Miss Long, when is Jerry back?

0:44:14 > 0:44:17Mr Langford will be in late this afternoon.

0:44:17 > 0:44:21We mean what we say when we thank you for stepping up.

0:44:21 > 0:44:24We mean it when we say call us when you start working.

0:44:24 > 0:44:27All right? Bye.

0:44:27 > 0:44:28Goodbye.

0:44:51 > 0:44:54Is there anyone else you'd like to see?

0:44:56 > 0:44:58No. That's all right.

0:45:00 > 0:45:02I don't mind waiting.

0:45:03 > 0:45:07It's like the man who waited so long he forgot what he waited for.

0:45:08 > 0:45:12Well, would you mind waiting outside, Mr Pupnik?

0:45:12 > 0:45:15This is not a waiting room.

0:45:15 > 0:45:17I understand.

0:45:28 > 0:45:31Did you ask him to leave? Yeah. But he won't go.

0:45:31 > 0:45:34What's his name? Rupert Pumpkin.

0:45:35 > 0:45:37- Hi.- Hi.

0:45:37 > 0:45:41I'm Raymond Wirtz, in charge of security.

0:45:41 > 0:45:44- Let's go outside. Is this your bag? - Yes.

0:45:44 > 0:45:47- I'm waiting for Jerry. - We'll talk outside.

0:45:47 > 0:45:49I know he's expecting me.

0:45:49 > 0:45:51We'll talk outside. Take your bag.

0:45:51 > 0:45:55I'll explain company policy to you on the way, OK?

0:45:55 > 0:46:00Now, I'm pretty sure you understand we have certain rules here

0:46:00 > 0:46:04that are essential to the smooth functioning of our operation.

0:46:04 > 0:46:08- Can I just say that...? - Now, just listen, please.

0:46:08 > 0:46:13Without these rules we really wouldn't be able to function at our best.

0:46:13 > 0:46:15I get the point, except...

0:46:15 > 0:46:17Please, Mr Puffer, please.

0:46:17 > 0:46:20- After you.- After you, sir, please.

0:46:20 > 0:46:22If I can just say that Jerry is...

0:46:22 > 0:46:27I checked with Miss Long. You do not have an appointment.

0:46:27 > 0:46:30Company policy is that only authorised personnel

0:46:30 > 0:46:37and those with official business with our organisation are permitted on our premises.

0:46:37 > 0:46:39You want me to leave the building?

0:47:02 > 0:47:04Well? Did you get it to him?

0:47:04 > 0:47:06What?

0:47:06 > 0:47:08Did you give my letter to him?

0:47:08 > 0:47:10He's not in there. OK?

0:47:10 > 0:47:14Now you're in with him, you can't do me a favour?

0:47:14 > 0:47:16I'll find somebody else to do it.

0:47:16 > 0:47:19- I couldn't. He wasn't there. - I saw him go in.

0:47:19 > 0:47:21- Who?- Jerry.

0:47:21 > 0:47:22He's up there right now.

0:47:22 > 0:47:26It's impossible. They assured me he was out.

0:47:26 > 0:47:28And you believe them?

0:47:28 > 0:47:31You're so naive. I'd expect that from you.

0:47:31 > 0:47:33You're such a chump.

0:47:33 > 0:47:36- He went up there just now? - Of course. Get up.

0:47:36 > 0:47:39Assert yourself. He's up there now.

0:47:50 > 0:47:52Oh, really.

0:47:52 > 0:47:56- Would you tell Jerry I'm here to see him?- He's not in.

0:47:56 > 0:47:59- I know he is. Tell him I'm here. - He's not in.

0:47:59 > 0:48:02You're putting your job on the line, lady.

0:48:02 > 0:48:04Security, Pumpkin's back.

0:48:04 > 0:48:06You too.

0:48:26 > 0:48:30MISS LONG: Mr Pupkin, what are you doing here?

0:48:30 > 0:48:32Mr Pupkin?

0:48:32 > 0:48:34Mr Pupkin?

0:48:34 > 0:48:36Get Security on the telephone.

0:48:42 > 0:48:44MAN: There he goes.

0:48:45 > 0:48:47Hold on!

0:48:47 > 0:48:49Grab his other arm.

0:48:49 > 0:48:51All right.

0:48:51 > 0:48:53Right out the door.

0:48:53 > 0:48:55Let's go.

0:48:56 > 0:48:59- Jerry. Jerry!- Nobody will help you.

0:48:59 > 0:49:03You'll have a lot of explaining to do, Mr Wirtz.

0:49:03 > 0:49:05My lawyer will be calling you.

0:49:05 > 0:49:07Make sure he gets my name right.

0:49:08 > 0:49:10Say goodbye to our guest, Miss Long.

0:49:10 > 0:49:13Wait till Jerry hears about this.

0:49:13 > 0:49:15I will mention your name, Puffer.

0:49:15 > 0:49:20Listen good. If we see your face again, we'll call the police.

0:49:20 > 0:49:22I understand.

0:49:22 > 0:49:24Thank you.

0:49:24 > 0:49:26- Thank you very much.- Terrific(!)

0:49:26 > 0:49:31- I suppose you got the letter to him. - No, I didn't. I will later.

0:49:31 > 0:49:34- You got thrown out of the building. - I didn't.

0:49:34 > 0:49:38- What do you call that? - I didn't get thrown out.

0:49:38 > 0:49:40I was talking.

0:49:40 > 0:49:42They walked me outside.

0:49:42 > 0:49:46- Just a moment. - You can't handle the simplest thing.

0:49:46 > 0:49:48I'll tell you something.

0:49:48 > 0:49:51I'm going to Jerry's for the weekend.

0:49:53 > 0:49:56- Do I look OK?- You look wonderful.

0:49:56 > 0:50:00- Does it look all right? - I'm not sure. You look wonderful.

0:50:00 > 0:50:04- What's wrong with it? - I don't think you need it.

0:50:04 > 0:50:07- You don't think it looks nice? - It looks wonderful.

0:50:24 > 0:50:27- Hello. - Hello. You must be Jonno.- Yes.

0:50:27 > 0:50:30I'm Rupert Pupkin and this is Rita Keane.

0:50:30 > 0:50:34- Tell Jerry we're here. - Mr Langford invited you?

0:50:34 > 0:50:37No. We thought we'd drop in uninvited(!)

0:50:37 > 0:50:39Come on in.

0:50:39 > 0:50:42- Ooh, what a view. - The blue bag is mine.

0:50:42 > 0:50:44- He's not here. - Is he out playing golf?

0:50:44 > 0:50:46- Yes.- Yes, of course.

0:50:46 > 0:50:49- I hope he finally breaks 100.- 100?

0:50:49 > 0:50:53- Perhaps better you come back. - That's all right.

0:50:53 > 0:50:56- We'll wait a minute. - Mr Langford's not here.

0:50:56 > 0:50:58That's OK. We'll just wait.

0:50:58 > 0:51:01We don't mind waiting. ..Isn't this lovely?

0:51:05 > 0:51:07The table's only set for one.

0:51:13 > 0:51:16- How do you like it? - I could live here.

0:51:16 > 0:51:19Mr Langford. I'm sorry to disturb you.

0:51:19 > 0:51:21What's wrong? Everything.

0:51:21 > 0:51:23There's a couple over here.

0:51:23 > 0:51:25His name is er...

0:51:25 > 0:51:28Pumgin. Do you know the name Pumgin?

0:51:30 > 0:51:33Didn't you tell him what time we'd get here?

0:51:33 > 0:51:36We didn't have time for the details.

0:51:36 > 0:51:39That butler wasn't even expecting us.

0:51:39 > 0:51:43Jerry has more important things to do than talking to his houseboy.

0:51:43 > 0:51:45Oh, really? Excuse me.

0:51:51 > 0:51:54He knows everything. He knows you're playing golf.

0:51:54 > 0:51:57He wants to spend the weekend here.

0:51:57 > 0:51:59Yes. You'd better come back.

0:51:59 > 0:52:02He's touching everything. He's ruining the house.

0:52:02 > 0:52:04I'm getting a heart attack.

0:52:04 > 0:52:09Here's a famous one. The youngest clown in the world, Zippo.

0:52:09 > 0:52:12This one with Ray Charles on Jerry's Special.

0:52:12 > 0:52:14- That's famous.- I know.

0:52:14 > 0:52:18Here's a famous one when he was a 12-year-old kid.

0:52:18 > 0:52:22Someone sent this in for the "I Knew You When" section.

0:52:22 > 0:52:25They thought they were playing a joke.

0:52:28 > 0:52:32# If I should take a notion

0:52:32 > 0:52:35Let's get a little life in this funeral parlour.

0:52:35 > 0:52:37# Jump off into the ocean

0:52:37 > 0:52:41You should really turn that off. That's not polite.

0:52:41 > 0:52:43How about a spin, handsome?

0:52:43 > 0:52:45We shouldn't be dancing.

0:52:45 > 0:52:48A little fun never hurt anybody.

0:52:48 > 0:52:51- What if Jerry walks in? - He'll be happy to see us.

0:52:51 > 0:52:54You're his friend. He won't mind.

0:53:03 > 0:53:05I wonder what the rest is like.

0:53:05 > 0:53:07I'm sure it's very nice.

0:53:09 > 0:53:11No, Rita, I wouldn't go up there.

0:53:11 > 0:53:14Rita, Rita. I don't think it's a good idea.

0:53:14 > 0:53:17Rita.

0:53:17 > 0:53:20They're watching us. You can't go upstairs.

0:53:20 > 0:53:22DOORBELL CHIMES

0:53:31 > 0:53:33Open the goddamned door!

0:53:33 > 0:53:36I was standing out there eight minutes.

0:53:36 > 0:53:37Jesus.

0:53:37 > 0:53:39Where are they?

0:53:39 > 0:53:41Hi, Jerry.

0:53:41 > 0:53:43Hi, Jerry. How are you?

0:53:43 > 0:53:45We were just freshening up.

0:53:45 > 0:53:48Rita, I want you to meet

0:53:48 > 0:53:50THE Jerry Langford.

0:53:50 > 0:53:53Jerry, meet Rita Keane. ..Come on down.

0:53:53 > 0:53:56Come on down.

0:53:56 > 0:53:58What's your pleasure, Jerry?

0:54:00 > 0:54:04It's hot out. I need a drink. Jerry, what'd you like?

0:54:04 > 0:54:06Jerry?

0:54:08 > 0:54:10Jerry?

0:54:10 > 0:54:13Excuse us for taking liberties,

0:54:13 > 0:54:16but it's not every day a girl like Rita meets you.

0:54:16 > 0:54:20This is success. You have to live with it. How was your golf?

0:54:20 > 0:54:23Did you finally break 100?

0:54:23 > 0:54:25JONNO: I told them you were not here.

0:54:25 > 0:54:28Yes, they did. They were very helpful.

0:54:28 > 0:54:30We took an earlier train.

0:54:30 > 0:54:32Anyway, I brought the work.

0:54:32 > 0:54:34It's right here. All ready.

0:54:34 > 0:54:36All ready and set to go.

0:54:36 > 0:54:38So...

0:54:38 > 0:54:40where is everybody?

0:54:41 > 0:54:43What everybody?

0:54:43 > 0:54:46"What everybody?" The guests, Jer.

0:54:46 > 0:54:48I'm getting a little hungry.

0:54:48 > 0:54:51I could have the both of you arrested.

0:54:51 > 0:54:53He could have us arrested.

0:54:53 > 0:54:56Of course you could have us arrested.

0:54:56 > 0:54:59We couldn't prove we belong here.

0:54:59 > 0:55:01When he gets an idea, he's terrific.

0:55:01 > 0:55:05- I never thought of that. - You should have.

0:55:05 > 0:55:10We set up a story where you invite your friends and throw them in jail!

0:55:12 > 0:55:14That's terrific.

0:55:14 > 0:55:16That's terrific.

0:55:16 > 0:55:19What's the matter? Lighten up.

0:55:19 > 0:55:21Let's work on that after this.

0:55:21 > 0:55:24- How did you get here? - We walked in the door.

0:55:24 > 0:55:26What's the matter with you?

0:55:26 > 0:55:29- How did you get here? - I think you're upset.

0:55:29 > 0:55:32I'll leave my material here.

0:55:32 > 0:55:35You've got other things to worry about.

0:55:35 > 0:55:37We'll take a stroll till lunch time.

0:55:37 > 0:55:40Did anyone ever tell you you're a moron?

0:55:40 > 0:55:43Jerry, I want to tell you something.

0:55:43 > 0:55:47Ordinarily, I wouldn't allow anyone to say that about Rita.

0:55:47 > 0:55:50But since it's you, I know you're kidding.

0:55:50 > 0:55:53Rupert, he's saying he wants us to go.

0:55:53 > 0:55:55No, he's not saying that.

0:55:55 > 0:55:59Jerry, tell her you're not saying that at all.

0:55:59 > 0:56:02- Call the station, Jonno. - Where are you going, Rita?

0:56:02 > 0:56:06There'll be a cab. Wait at the gate and use it.

0:56:06 > 0:56:08Why, are you going someplace?

0:56:08 > 0:56:10You are.

0:56:11 > 0:56:14Did I say something wrong, Jerry?

0:56:14 > 0:56:17If so, can we chalk it up to inexperience?

0:56:17 > 0:56:19Rita?

0:56:19 > 0:56:23I have my stuff here. We can do it in half an hour.

0:56:23 > 0:56:25Then the afternoon is yours.

0:56:25 > 0:56:27I want you out of here.

0:56:27 > 0:56:29I want you out of here now.

0:56:29 > 0:56:30Is that plain enough?

0:56:30 > 0:56:33- I understand.- Is that clear?

0:56:33 > 0:56:36I understand. You're tired. That's OK.

0:56:36 > 0:56:39Read it at your leisure and let me know what you think.

0:56:39 > 0:56:42Don't be dopey. Use your ears.

0:56:42 > 0:56:45- He wants us to go. - He is not telling us to go!

0:56:45 > 0:56:49- Mr Langford, I want you to know... - Tell her she's wrong.

0:56:49 > 0:56:51..I don't even know this guy.

0:56:51 > 0:56:53He told me you were friends.

0:56:53 > 0:56:56- Rita!- I feel terrible about this.

0:56:56 > 0:57:00- I feel so humiliated. - Don't listen. She works in a bar.

0:57:00 > 0:57:03- She wants to spoil everything. - Let's go.

0:57:03 > 0:57:04Jerry...

0:57:04 > 0:57:06OK. Come on.

0:57:06 > 0:57:08Come on. Let's go.

0:57:08 > 0:57:10- Sorry, Mr Langford.- Here you are.

0:57:10 > 0:57:12Do you understand English? Go!

0:57:12 > 0:57:17I can take a hint. Listen for 15 minutes. Is that asking too much?

0:57:17 > 0:57:19Yes, it is. I have a life, OK?

0:57:19 > 0:57:23- I have a life, too. - That's not my responsibility!

0:57:23 > 0:57:27- It is if you tell me to call you... - I was just getting rid of you!

0:57:27 > 0:57:30- To get rid of me?- Yes. - I can take a hint.

0:57:30 > 0:57:34Otherwise we'd still be outside my apartment!

0:57:34 > 0:57:37- OK, so I made a mistake. - So did Hitler!

0:57:38 > 0:57:40This is the way it is when you're famous.

0:57:40 > 0:57:42Do you understand?

0:57:42 > 0:57:45- That's how you guys are? - Not them. Me, yeah!

0:57:45 > 0:57:49- That's how you are at the top? - No, I was that way before.

0:57:49 > 0:57:53- Now I know how people like you... - Goodbye and good luck!

0:57:53 > 0:57:55And Jerry, Jerry,

0:57:55 > 0:57:58I just want to say one more thing.

0:57:58 > 0:58:00I'm glad what you did to me today.

0:58:00 > 0:58:03Now I know I can't rely on anybody.

0:58:03 > 0:58:05Not you. Not anybody.

0:58:05 > 0:58:08- And I SHOULDN'T rely on anybody. - Right.

0:58:08 > 0:58:13I'm gonna work 50 times harder and I'm gonna be 50 times more famous than you.

0:58:13 > 0:58:16Then idiots like you will plague your life.

0:58:16 > 0:58:20That's right. ..Come on, Rita. ..Goodbye Jerry.

0:58:20 > 0:58:22DOOR SLAMS

0:58:22 > 0:58:24Jonno, lock that door.

0:58:24 > 0:58:26You did good, Mr Langford.

0:58:26 > 0:58:28Thank you.

0:58:30 > 0:58:32HE THROWS CLUB ON THE FLOOR

0:58:37 > 0:58:39It looks real.

0:58:40 > 0:58:43That's the whole point.

0:58:46 > 0:58:48- Is that him?- No.

0:58:48 > 0:58:51- Are you sure?- Sure I'm sure.

0:58:51 > 0:58:53It looks too much like him.

0:58:53 > 0:58:56When it's him, it doesn't look like him.

0:58:58 > 0:59:01It feels like it's taking him for ever.

0:59:03 > 0:59:05How much longer?

0:59:08 > 0:59:10It's him.

0:59:13 > 0:59:15Yeah, that's him.

0:59:18 > 0:59:21- Not too fast.- OK, OK.

0:59:21 > 0:59:24Stay on this side, so you're not all over him.

0:59:24 > 0:59:27Get in the next lane.

0:59:27 > 0:59:30OK, OK, OK, OK!

0:59:36 > 0:59:38He walks in the most crowded areas.

0:59:38 > 0:59:41Well, because he doesn't want to be alone.

0:59:41 > 0:59:44Why? Tell me why.

0:59:44 > 0:59:46I know. You tell me why.

0:59:47 > 0:59:50Don't get an attitude with me right now.

0:59:50 > 0:59:53Explain to me. You know so much about him.

0:59:53 > 0:59:56Fill me in. Let me learn from you.

0:59:56 > 1:00:00OK. When he walks on crowded streets, he feels safe. That's why.

1:00:00 > 1:00:03Is that what it is? Thanks for telling me(!)

1:00:12 > 1:00:14OK. Go past him and stop.

1:00:18 > 1:00:20OK, Jerry. Get in there.

1:00:20 > 1:00:22What are you doing?

1:00:22 > 1:00:24Are you crazy?

1:00:24 > 1:00:25Get in, Jerry. Get in.

1:00:26 > 1:00:28Hi, Jerry.

1:00:31 > 1:00:34She's holding the gun on your head.

1:00:34 > 1:00:36Don't make any false moves.

1:00:36 > 1:00:38I'd hate to do anything drastic.

1:00:38 > 1:00:43If everything works out, you'll be out of here by 12:00, 12:30 latest.

1:00:43 > 1:00:45Well, maybe 1:00.

1:00:45 > 1:00:471:15, the very latest.

1:00:47 > 1:00:51- What I want you to do is call your producer.- Call what?

1:00:51 > 1:00:55Call Bert Thomas. I'll give you a phone right now.

1:00:55 > 1:00:57Get him on the phone.

1:00:57 > 1:01:00And I'll tell you exactly what to say. OK?

1:01:03 > 1:01:06Now, if you don't do it, I don't know what to say.

1:01:06 > 1:01:08There could be a problem.

1:01:10 > 1:01:12Watch your eyes. I'll take these off.

1:01:12 > 1:01:15It's a little bright in here.

1:01:30 > 1:01:32OK.

1:01:36 > 1:01:38Are these yours?

1:01:39 > 1:01:41- Jerry, these are yours?- Yeah.

1:01:41 > 1:01:43Do you mind if I have one?

1:01:43 > 1:01:45(I don't mind.)

1:01:45 > 1:01:48- Thank you. ..Masha, do you want one?- Save it.

1:01:48 > 1:01:52- Do you want one? - Yeah, but will you save it?

1:01:52 > 1:01:55It's inconvenient at the moment. Thank you, Rupert.

1:01:55 > 1:01:57- Do you want one?- No.

1:01:57 > 1:01:59I'll just take one for later.

1:02:03 > 1:02:08Don't get mad about it. I'm just trying to ease the tension.

1:02:08 > 1:02:13It's a strange situation, but there are moments of friendship and sharing.

1:02:13 > 1:02:15OK, let's go.

1:02:18 > 1:02:21Jerry, I mean business.

1:02:21 > 1:02:23Get on the phone. Let's go.

1:02:23 > 1:02:24The fun is over.

1:02:28 > 1:02:30Let's go. Come on.

1:02:44 > 1:02:46Bert Thomas, please.

1:02:46 > 1:02:48Jerry Langford.

1:02:52 > 1:02:54- What happened?- They hung up.

1:02:58 > 1:03:00Call them again. Why did they hang up?

1:03:00 > 1:03:02They thought it was a gag.

1:03:02 > 1:03:06- We get that all the time. - I find that strange.

1:03:06 > 1:03:08But it's typical.

1:03:08 > 1:03:10That's the way they treat even you.

1:03:10 > 1:03:13I'll let you in on a little secret.

1:03:13 > 1:03:15That's the way they treated me.

1:03:16 > 1:03:18And now look where we are.

1:03:21 > 1:03:23Bert Thomas.

1:03:23 > 1:03:26Audrey, this is Jerry Langford. Get Bert quickly.

1:03:26 > 1:03:29Martino, I'm too busy for games. Goodbye.

1:03:29 > 1:03:32Did you hear what I said? Get Bert Thomas.

1:03:32 > 1:03:35It's not a gag. It's serious. Move it!

1:03:38 > 1:03:41Why don't we have somebody else? Like what?

1:03:41 > 1:03:44It's Mr Langford. He says it's urgent.

1:03:44 > 1:03:46I'll call him back. I'm busy.

1:03:46 > 1:03:49It's that Martino kid, the impressionist.

1:03:49 > 1:03:53Will you do what I tell you? And do it quick.

1:03:53 > 1:03:56I'm sorry. He absolutely insists on talking to you.

1:03:56 > 1:03:59OK. I'll take it.

1:04:01 > 1:04:03Martino, you know better than...

1:04:03 > 1:04:05Bert, I said this is Jerry.

1:04:05 > 1:04:08Jerry Langford. I'm in deep trouble.

1:04:08 > 1:04:10Now, you'd best pay attention.

1:04:10 > 1:04:13Yah, I am listening.

1:04:15 > 1:04:17Would you give me that again?

1:04:21 > 1:04:23Wait a minute.

1:04:23 > 1:04:25I wanna ask you something.

1:04:25 > 1:04:28What do we call our second cameraman?

1:04:28 > 1:04:30We call our second cameraman

1:04:30 > 1:04:32Helen Keller.

1:04:33 > 1:04:36His favourite colour is plaid.

1:04:36 > 1:04:38Helen Keller. Plaid. What is that?

1:04:38 > 1:04:42When someone does an impression of me on the phone,

1:04:42 > 1:04:45they check it's me by that clue.

1:04:45 > 1:04:48If I didn't know, he'd know it's not me.

1:04:48 > 1:04:50Say no more. I understand.

1:04:51 > 1:04:53Now, listen, Bert. Listen carefully.

1:04:54 > 1:04:56"I have a gun...

1:04:59 > 1:05:01"at my head.

1:05:03 > 1:05:05"If a man who identifies himself

1:05:05 > 1:05:06"as...

1:05:11 > 1:05:13"..The King...

1:05:16 > 1:05:19The card's upside down.

1:05:23 > 1:05:27"..is not allowed to be the first guest on...

1:05:32 > 1:05:34You got a blank card there.

1:05:34 > 1:05:36Hold on, Bert.

1:05:36 > 1:05:39I'm reading from a cue card.

1:05:44 > 1:05:46"..tonight's show...

1:05:48 > 1:05:51"..you'll never...see me...

1:05:53 > 1:05:55Go back.

1:05:55 > 1:05:57"..alive...

1:05:57 > 1:05:59"again."

1:06:00 > 1:06:04It's not grammatically correct, but I think you have the idea.

1:06:04 > 1:06:09It's clear, but let me talk to you. Don't do anything silly.

1:06:09 > 1:06:11OK.

1:06:11 > 1:06:14I'm OK. I'm OK, Bert! Just get it done.

1:06:18 > 1:06:20He wants you to call at five o'clock.

1:06:20 > 1:06:22They'll do whatever you want.

1:06:22 > 1:06:25OK. That was very good, Jerry.

1:06:25 > 1:06:28Turn around here. Let's see how it looks.

1:06:28 > 1:06:32Oh, I love it. I'm sorry. The sleeves aren't quite right.

1:06:32 > 1:06:35Do you like it? ..What do you think?

1:06:36 > 1:06:38I think it looks pretty good.

1:06:38 > 1:06:42To guess on it, to have it turn out like this, I'm pleased.

1:06:42 > 1:06:46I like to see him a little more casual for a change.

1:06:46 > 1:06:48This is a look I like to see on him.

1:06:48 > 1:06:50Less uptightness.

1:06:50 > 1:06:52OK. It's wonderful.

1:06:52 > 1:06:55- What do you think? - It's very good.

1:06:55 > 1:06:57- Be honest with me. - I'm being honest.

1:06:57 > 1:06:59Would you wear it? I like it.

1:06:59 > 1:07:03I'm glad I went with red. It looks good on him.

1:07:03 > 1:07:05It looks good, Jerry.

1:07:05 > 1:07:07- Come on.- What?

1:07:07 > 1:07:10- Take it off and let's go. - Oh, OK. Fine.

1:07:11 > 1:07:13- You want me to take it off?- Yeah.

1:07:13 > 1:07:15Why can't he wear it for a while?

1:07:15 > 1:07:17Will you take it off, please?

1:07:17 > 1:07:21This is an emergency and I gotta talk to him.

1:07:21 > 1:07:26Interrupt him or I'll come busting into that meeting.

1:07:26 > 1:07:30No. Forget calling me back. I'm on my way.

1:07:30 > 1:07:33Why didn't you just listen to the tape?

1:07:33 > 1:07:35It wasn't that hard, was it?

1:07:35 > 1:07:40A few minutes to listen to something I worked on my whole life.

1:07:40 > 1:07:44If that's what's behind this, let's play the tape in my office.

1:07:44 > 1:07:47I know what would happen. I'm not stupid.

1:07:47 > 1:07:49Nobody's calling you stupid.

1:07:49 > 1:07:52You pulled this off. So you're smart.

1:07:52 > 1:07:55You know, I'm gonna tell you something.

1:07:55 > 1:07:57Friendship is a two-way street.

1:07:58 > 1:08:00Do you know that?

1:08:00 > 1:08:03You couldn't care less about me.

1:08:03 > 1:08:06Do I have to hold this thing till next Shevuoth?

1:08:06 > 1:08:09Are you going to knock off the talking?

1:08:09 > 1:08:13When you put the sweater on him, did I bother you?

1:08:13 > 1:08:16You have a long night ahead. You have to perform.

1:08:16 > 1:08:19You're driving me nuts.

1:08:19 > 1:08:24Can you be quiet for one goddamn minute and let me rest with this gun?

1:08:24 > 1:08:25You're driving me crazy!

1:08:25 > 1:08:28You have not shut up since we came here.

1:08:28 > 1:08:30This is my house! My domain!

1:08:30 > 1:08:33Jerry is my guest! You are my guest!

1:08:33 > 1:08:35You're lucky to be here.

1:08:35 > 1:08:39You can change and get your head together for the show.

1:08:39 > 1:08:41Give me a little break!

1:08:41 > 1:08:43- Shut up!- I did give you a break.

1:08:43 > 1:08:45You talked about that sweater.

1:08:45 > 1:08:49Worrying over how it looks. Did I say anything?

1:08:49 > 1:08:51I didn't make it for you.

1:08:51 > 1:08:53It looks fabulous on Jerry.

1:08:53 > 1:08:57Whose idea was this? If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here.

1:08:57 > 1:09:00Why not listen to the tape? Was that so hard to do?

1:09:00 > 1:09:06I'm sure you understand, doing the kind of show I do, it's mind-boggling.

1:09:06 > 1:09:10There's so much stuff, you can't keep your head clear.

1:09:10 > 1:09:12If that's the case, I'm wrong.

1:09:12 > 1:09:16You're right, I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, I apologise.

1:09:16 > 1:09:18I'm just a human being.

1:09:18 > 1:09:21With all of the foibles and all of the traps.

1:09:21 > 1:09:25The pressure. The groupies, the autograph hounds.

1:09:25 > 1:09:32Those you think are your friends, but might not be there tomorrow because of their incompetence.

1:09:32 > 1:09:37These wonderful pressures make every day radiant and glowing.

1:09:37 > 1:09:39It's terrific(!)

1:09:39 > 1:09:46If all of that means nothing, if I'm wrong, in spite of all that, then I apologise. I'm sorry.

1:09:46 > 1:09:48If you accept my apology,

1:09:48 > 1:09:53I think we should shake hands and forget the whole thing.

1:09:53 > 1:09:57You two could be in deep trouble, but I will not press charges.

1:09:59 > 1:10:03- That's easy for you to SAY, Jerry. - But I mean it.

1:10:03 > 1:10:06I'll go to the office and tell them all it's a gag.

1:10:06 > 1:10:10They'll understand that. They'll buy it.

1:10:10 > 1:10:12Then we listen to the tape...

1:10:12 > 1:10:14Sit down! I said sit down!

1:10:14 > 1:10:17You heard what he said.

1:10:17 > 1:10:20With a gun on him, he wants to be friends.

1:10:20 > 1:10:23- What happens when he walks out? - What happens then?

1:10:23 > 1:10:25They'll jump you at his office.

1:10:25 > 1:10:29- Is that what happens, Jerry? - Not if I tell them not to.

1:10:29 > 1:10:34They won't jump you. If I tell them to do something, they do it.

1:10:34 > 1:10:37No-one's gonna jump you. It's the truth.

1:10:37 > 1:10:39You have to take my word for it.

1:10:39 > 1:10:43If you think I'm not telling you the truth, then don't respond.

1:10:43 > 1:10:46If you think I am, let me get the hell out.

1:10:46 > 1:10:48He gives me his word.

1:10:48 > 1:10:51- And what else? - And what else, Jerry?

1:10:52 > 1:10:54There is nothing else.

1:10:54 > 1:10:56Just my word.

1:10:56 > 1:10:58Isn't my word good enough?

1:11:01 > 1:11:03I'm sorry, Jerry.

1:11:17 > 1:11:19Suppose we tape him,

1:11:20 > 1:11:22he does a talk,

1:11:22 > 1:11:24it gets to be 11:30,

1:11:24 > 1:11:26do we put him on, no matter what?

1:11:26 > 1:11:30Tape him. It won't hurt anything, because you can erase it.

1:11:30 > 1:11:34We may learn something from it and it will buy us time.

1:11:34 > 1:11:38Under no circumstances will we put him on air.

1:11:38 > 1:11:41This lunatic is threatening Jerry's life!

1:11:41 > 1:11:43Let me handle this.

1:11:43 > 1:11:45We'll tape at seven.

1:11:45 > 1:11:50We won't have to make a decision about putting him on the air till 11:30.

1:11:50 > 1:11:52This gives us four hours to move in.

1:11:52 > 1:11:56By that time we should have Mr Langford back safely.

1:11:56 > 1:12:00Harry, that's it. We're going to sue. We'll sue everybody.

1:12:00 > 1:12:03- Who's this? - Jerry's lawyer.

1:12:03 > 1:12:06What do you mean, who am I? I'm the lawyer suing.

1:12:06 > 1:12:09Jay. Don't "Jay" me. Do me a favour. >

1:12:09 > 1:12:11Jay, WHO are you going to sue?

1:12:11 > 1:12:13We're suing you personally!

1:12:13 > 1:12:15< Who else? The FBI!

1:12:15 > 1:12:18Let's deal with the situation rationally.

1:12:18 > 1:12:23Unless we talk politely, there will be serious consequences.

1:12:23 > 1:12:27JAY: Kidnapping is not polite. It is a very stupid offence.

1:12:27 > 1:12:29How can you defend kidnapping?

1:12:29 > 1:12:33How can you say, "I'm crazy. I didn't know what I was doing."

1:12:33 > 1:12:35Jay, who cares?

1:12:35 > 1:12:38Only an idiot kidnaps. > Who cares?

1:12:38 > 1:12:40Only idiots do what you will do.

1:12:49 > 1:12:51Jerry, I'm gonna go now.

1:12:51 > 1:12:53Pretty soon you'll be able to go.

1:12:53 > 1:12:57About 12:00, 12:30, as I said. Have a good time.

1:12:57 > 1:12:59I know you will.

1:12:59 > 1:13:01Bye.

1:13:05 > 1:13:09We don't know if they are kidnappers or terrorists.

1:13:09 > 1:13:12Terrorists?! What do you mean "terrorists"?

1:13:12 > 1:13:14This man may go on the air. >

1:13:14 > 1:13:18He delivers a coded message and 50 people lose their lives.

1:13:18 > 1:13:20You're out of your mind!

1:13:20 > 1:13:24- I'm not out of my mind. - That guy will be taped.

1:13:24 > 1:13:26We'll listen to what he says.

1:13:26 > 1:13:30Unless something horrendous is on it, we'll air it.

1:13:30 > 1:13:34It's only ten minutes of talk-show time against a man's life.

1:13:34 > 1:13:37I don't see that as any argument.

1:13:38 > 1:13:40Hello, how are you today?

1:13:40 > 1:13:44Well... Mr King calling collect long-distance for Mr Thomas.

1:13:44 > 1:13:47There's a long-distance call.

1:13:47 > 1:13:49Let's go.

1:13:49 > 1:13:52This is it. Remember, keep him talking. >

1:13:52 > 1:13:54Er...hi, there. Who is this?

1:13:54 > 1:13:56'This is Mr King.'

1:13:56 > 1:13:59- 'I'm calling for Mr King.' - You're on time.

1:13:59 > 1:14:02Yes, of course. We're always punctual.

1:14:02 > 1:14:05I want to make it brief, Mr Thomas, and...

1:14:05 > 1:14:09Could I break in and ask you, could I speak to Jerry?

1:14:09 > 1:14:13Jerry's not with us now. We're at a payphone.

1:14:13 > 1:14:16Don't trace the call. I heard those sounds.

1:14:16 > 1:14:21It's kind of important, so that we know that he's in - what'll I say? - your care.

1:14:21 > 1:14:27We've taken care of that by bringing an article of clothing you'll recognise.

1:14:27 > 1:14:31It is not as easy as you think to walk in and go right on the show.

1:14:31 > 1:14:34No, Bert... If I can call you...

1:14:34 > 1:14:37If I could just say, there is no problem.

1:14:37 > 1:14:38It is clean material.

1:14:38 > 1:14:42Do you know of something called Standards and Practices?

1:14:42 > 1:14:46All I can say is, don't have any press leaks.

1:14:46 > 1:14:52You must keep the audience there till 11:45 or 12 o'clock, after it has been aired.

1:14:52 > 1:14:56Thank you very much. That's your problem. Nice talking to you.

1:14:56 > 1:14:58One...

1:14:59 > 1:15:03Boy, he's shrewd. He just wouldn't buy anything.

1:15:58 > 1:16:00I feel...

1:16:00 > 1:16:02completely impulsive tonight.

1:16:02 > 1:16:04Anything could happen.

1:16:04 > 1:16:06I've so much to tell you.

1:16:06 > 1:16:08I don't know where to start.

1:16:08 > 1:16:13I want to tell you everything about myself you don't know.

1:16:14 > 1:16:17- Do you like these glasses? - SHE FLICKS CRYSTAL

1:16:17 > 1:16:21Crystal, beautiful. I bought them just for you.

1:16:21 > 1:16:23Something reminded me. The simplicity.

1:16:23 > 1:16:27But if you don't like them, if there's any doubt...

1:16:27 > 1:16:29GLASS SMASHES

1:16:32 > 1:16:36Sometimes I'll be doing the simplest things.

1:16:36 > 1:16:39I'll be taking a bath and I'll say to myself,

1:16:39 > 1:16:42"I wonder if Jerry's taking a bath right now."

1:16:42 > 1:16:45Then I just hope you're not drowning.

1:16:45 > 1:16:50I get worried about you, like something terrible will happen.

1:16:50 > 1:16:55I have daydreams that I'm at the golf course driving your cart.

1:16:55 > 1:16:57Just driving around.

1:16:58 > 1:17:00Need a putter, Jer? You know.

1:17:01 > 1:17:03Need an iron?

1:17:03 > 1:17:05I don't know how to play golf.

1:17:05 > 1:17:08I played with my parents once, my dad, but...

1:17:08 > 1:17:10I love you.

1:17:14 > 1:17:17I've never told my parents that I love them.

1:17:17 > 1:17:22They never told me they loved me either, which was fine with me.

1:17:22 > 1:17:24But I love you.

1:17:24 > 1:17:26Do you want some wine?

1:17:26 > 1:17:30No? OK. I'm not in the mood to drink either, though.

1:17:30 > 1:17:33But I'm sure in the mood to be alone with you.

1:17:36 > 1:17:39Why don't we just clear off the table?

1:17:41 > 1:17:44We could go upstairs, but that's so predictable.

1:17:44 > 1:17:49Let's take everything off the table and do it right here.

1:17:49 > 1:17:51It'd blow your mind. It'd blow MY mind.

1:17:51 > 1:17:55I've never even had anybody over for dinner before,

1:17:55 > 1:17:58let alone made love on the table.

1:17:58 > 1:18:00Somehow I just want to do that.

1:18:00 > 1:18:02I just want to, like, dance.

1:18:02 > 1:18:06I want to put on some Shirelles. I want to be black.

1:18:07 > 1:18:09Wouldn't that be insane?

1:18:09 > 1:18:12God. You know, I wish I was...

1:18:12 > 1:18:16I wish I was Tina Turner. Just dancing through the room.

1:18:21 > 1:18:25Thank you. Please have your tickets ready.

1:18:28 > 1:18:30Good evening, officer.

1:18:30 > 1:18:33I am Clarence McCabe, the writer.

1:18:33 > 1:18:37Are these people with you, sir? Yes, this is my wife.

1:18:37 > 1:18:40Her parents are the Salters from Ohio.

1:18:40 > 1:18:43I'll check your name, sir. I'm on third.

1:18:43 > 1:18:45I'll check your name, sir.

1:18:45 > 1:18:48I'm sorry. I don't see your name, sir.

1:18:48 > 1:18:51Wait a minute. You went past the Ns.

1:18:51 > 1:18:53I'll go back again for you, sir.

1:18:53 > 1:18:55Let me just check.

1:18:55 > 1:18:57This isn't possible.

1:18:57 > 1:19:01Did Miss Long call you at all? No, sir, she didn't.

1:19:01 > 1:19:03She didn't tell you about my book.

1:19:03 > 1:19:06No, sir. Not according to this list.

1:19:06 > 1:19:10She said to present myself at 5:45. It's now 5:50.

1:19:10 > 1:19:11Strict orders tonight.

1:19:11 > 1:19:14Only authorised personnel allowed in.

1:19:14 > 1:19:17You never heard of the book? No, sir.

1:19:17 > 1:19:19The Vanishing Siberian Tiger.

1:19:19 > 1:19:22Can I call Miss Long? No, sir. Not at all.

1:19:22 > 1:19:24Can YOU call Miss Long?

1:19:24 > 1:19:27I can't help you, sir. You are not on the list.

1:19:27 > 1:19:29So I cannot let you in.

1:19:29 > 1:19:32I'm gonna try to get her. Stop him.

1:19:32 > 1:19:34Miss Long?

1:19:34 > 1:19:37Come on. Get him.

1:19:37 > 1:19:39COMMOTION

1:19:41 > 1:19:44Come on!

1:19:44 > 1:19:46McCABE: Miss Long!

1:20:00 > 1:20:03What is this Clarence McCabe? That's who I am.

1:20:03 > 1:20:07Is that your real name? Technically, it's my real name.

1:20:07 > 1:20:11It's a pseudonym. An alias. Why do you use a pseudonym?

1:20:11 > 1:20:14I'm an author. Author of what?

1:20:14 > 1:20:16I wrote The Vanishing Siberian Tiger.

1:20:16 > 1:20:21I spent two years in Russia and two years in China researching it.

1:20:21 > 1:20:24Does that make me a communist now?

1:20:24 > 1:20:26HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF

1:20:35 > 1:20:37Hello. I'm the King.

1:20:37 > 1:20:39- What?- The King.

1:20:39 > 1:20:42What can I do for Your Highness?

1:20:42 > 1:20:44Really, I'm the King.

1:20:44 > 1:20:47Yes, sir, your dressing room is backstage.

1:20:47 > 1:20:50- Your throne is in there also. - Very funny, yes.

1:20:50 > 1:20:52Is there someone in charge?

1:20:52 > 1:20:56Mr Ding. A little fellow with a couple of bells.

1:20:56 > 1:20:58Miss Long.

1:20:58 > 1:21:00- Pipkin?- No, it's Mr Pupkin.

1:21:01 > 1:21:03How are you?

1:21:03 > 1:21:06What are you doing here, Mr...Pupkin?

1:21:06 > 1:21:08I'm the King.

1:21:08 > 1:21:10I think you're expecting me.

1:21:10 > 1:21:12Yeah.

1:21:12 > 1:21:14Is Mr Thomas around?

1:21:22 > 1:21:24CATS MEOW SHRILLY

1:21:30 > 1:21:34# You're gonna love me

1:21:35 > 1:21:39# Like nobody's loved me

1:21:39 > 1:21:41# Come rain

1:21:41 > 1:21:43# Or come shine

1:21:44 > 1:21:48# Happy together

1:21:48 > 1:21:52# Unhappy together

1:21:52 > 1:21:58# And won't it be fine?

1:22:00 > 1:22:08# Days may be cloudy or sunny

1:22:09 > 1:22:15# We're in and we're out of the money

1:22:17 > 1:22:21# I'm with you always

1:22:24 > 1:22:27# I'm with you

1:22:28 > 1:22:39# Rain or shine #

1:22:42 > 1:22:45Mr King, I'm Inspector Garrity from the FBI.

1:22:45 > 1:22:48- Yes, sir.- What is your name?

1:22:48 > 1:22:50- Rupert Pupkin. - What is your real name?

1:22:50 > 1:22:53That's my real name.

1:22:53 > 1:22:56Well, Mr Pupkin, will you tell us where Jerry is or not?

1:22:56 > 1:22:59Are you from the show?

1:22:59 > 1:23:01No, I'm not in the show.

1:23:01 > 1:23:04This is Agent Giardello and Captain Burke.

1:23:04 > 1:23:07I'd like to meet someone from the show.

1:23:07 > 1:23:10You get to see them when I get to see Langford.

1:23:10 > 1:23:13I'd like to see someone from the show first.

1:23:13 > 1:23:18- Not unless you tell us where Langford is.- Then Jerry's dead.

1:23:18 > 1:23:20Get Thomas.

1:23:22 > 1:23:25- I'm Bert Thomas. Are you Mr King? - Yes.

1:23:25 > 1:23:28- How do you do? - Did we talk on the phone today?

1:23:28 > 1:23:31Yes, we spoke a few moments ago.

1:23:31 > 1:23:33And Jerry spoke to you earlier.

1:23:33 > 1:23:35Er, where did you get this?

1:23:35 > 1:23:38That's Jerry's, as you can see.

1:23:38 > 1:23:41- What's that? - That's my blood, not Jerry's.

1:23:41 > 1:23:43I'll buy this.

1:23:43 > 1:23:44What have we here?

1:23:44 > 1:23:48It's my introduction. Can Mr Randall say it word for word?

1:23:48 > 1:23:51- It's introducing your monologue? - Yes.

1:23:51 > 1:23:56- Could I have a copy of your monologue? - I have it memorised.

1:23:56 > 1:24:00- So I don't have a copy of it. - There are reasons I need a copy.

1:24:00 > 1:24:04You can't say anything obscene or upset the audience.

1:24:04 > 1:24:07No, it's all right, really. It's wholesome.

1:24:07 > 1:24:10- You guarantee that? - I guarantee it.- OK.

1:24:10 > 1:24:13Make sure they last till 11:30. >

1:24:13 > 1:24:17- He'll get everything he needs. - It was nice meeting you.

1:24:17 > 1:24:19Sit down, Pupkin.

1:24:19 > 1:24:21Pupkin, I gotta tell you this.

1:24:21 > 1:24:25From this point on, you have the right to remain silent.

1:24:25 > 1:24:27- Do you understand?- Mm-hm.

1:24:27 > 1:24:31Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law.

1:24:31 > 1:24:34- Say you understand. - I understand that.

1:24:34 > 1:24:38Did you participate in the abduction of Jerry Langford?

1:24:38 > 1:24:40Yes, I did. I abducted him.

1:24:40 > 1:24:42- You abducted him?- Yes.

1:24:42 > 1:24:46- Do you know where he is right now? - Yes, I do.

1:24:46 > 1:24:48- Will you lead us to him. - No, I won't.

1:24:48 > 1:24:54Well, at this time, Mr Pupkin, I advise you to consider yourself under arrest.

1:24:54 > 1:24:56Fine. I think I should get made up.

1:24:56 > 1:25:00He needs some make-up. Put some colour in his face.

1:25:00 > 1:25:03I could put some colour on your face.

1:25:03 > 1:25:05Really, I should get made up.

1:25:05 > 1:25:08MAN READS: "Sad news for you."

1:25:09 > 1:25:11Tony, did you want to see me?

1:25:11 > 1:25:14Have you seen this stuff? I think it's fine.

1:25:14 > 1:25:18"My writing staff was executed by the network firing squad."

1:25:18 > 1:25:21You're laughing at that? It's good.

1:25:21 > 1:25:25Why do I have to say this? Exactly as it's written.

1:25:25 > 1:25:27It'll be good for you. Trust me.

1:25:27 > 1:25:30You're the director. Can you help me?

1:25:30 > 1:25:32Take those tissues out and let's go.

1:25:32 > 1:25:35Be sure to turn the cards fast.

1:25:35 > 1:25:37Are you listening to me? OK.

1:25:37 > 1:25:39Let's do something crazy tonight.

1:25:39 > 1:25:42Just get insane! I want to be nuts!

1:25:42 > 1:25:44I want some fun! Godammit.

1:25:44 > 1:25:46My doctor says, "Don't have fun!

1:25:46 > 1:25:50"You're not allowed to have a good time!"

1:25:50 > 1:25:52I like being in control.

1:25:52 > 1:25:57But for one night I'd like to see myself out of my head! Wouldn't you?

1:25:57 > 1:25:59Wouldn't it be fabulous?

1:26:00 > 1:26:02I'm having a good time.

1:26:06 > 1:26:08I'm having fun.

1:26:09 > 1:26:11Fun is my middle name.

1:26:12 > 1:26:14That's right.

1:26:14 > 1:26:19Having some fun! I never had this much fun before. That's right.

1:26:20 > 1:26:22Good, old-fashioned,

1:26:23 > 1:26:25all-American fun!

1:26:25 > 1:26:27MC: 'And now, direct from New York,

1:26:27 > 1:26:30'it's the Jerry Langford Show.

1:26:30 > 1:26:32'With guest host Tony Randall.

1:26:32 > 1:26:34'And his special guests,

1:26:34 > 1:26:38'Shelley Winters, Gore Vidal, Tony Bennett.

1:26:38 > 1:26:41'As always, Lou Brown and the orchestra.'

1:26:41 > 1:26:43And little old me, Ed Herlihy.

1:26:43 > 1:26:46And now, say hello to...

1:26:46 > 1:26:48Tony!

1:26:48 > 1:26:50APPLAUSE

1:26:50 > 1:26:52WHISTLING

1:27:02 > 1:27:04Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

1:27:04 > 1:27:08I have some sad news for you. AUDIENCE: Aww!

1:27:08 > 1:27:13Earlier today my writing staff was executed by the network firing squad.

1:27:13 > 1:27:17So there will be no Randall monologue this evening.

1:27:17 > 1:27:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:27:24 > 1:27:27No embarrassing display of emotion.

1:27:27 > 1:27:30We'll do something a little different.

1:27:30 > 1:27:32(A lot different if you ask me.)

1:27:32 > 1:27:36We'll give you a glimpse... (..Turn it over.)

1:27:36 > 1:27:38..into the future.

1:27:38 > 1:27:43It's not often you have a sure thing in the entertainment business.

1:27:43 > 1:27:45The verdict is in YOUR hands.

1:27:45 > 1:27:47But after you've met...

1:27:47 > 1:27:49LAUGHTER

1:27:49 > 1:27:51..my first guest,

1:27:51 > 1:27:55you'll agree with me that he's destined for greatness!

1:27:55 > 1:27:57In one way or another.

1:27:57 > 1:28:02Please give your warmest greetings to the newest King of Comedy -

1:28:02 > 1:28:04Rupert Pupkin.

1:28:04 > 1:28:06CHEERING

1:28:16 > 1:28:21Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce myself. I am Rupert Pupkin.

1:28:25 > 1:28:27I can't believe I'm gonna kiss you.

1:28:29 > 1:28:31Masha.

1:28:31 > 1:28:33Take the tape off.

1:28:33 > 1:28:35Really?

1:28:35 > 1:28:37Come on. Take it off.

1:28:42 > 1:28:44APPLAUSE

1:28:44 > 1:28:46OK. I'm ready now.

1:28:46 > 1:28:48Take him back down. With pleasure.

1:28:48 > 1:28:54Why did you do this? Tell me why, then maybe I can believe in you. Why do it?

1:28:54 > 1:28:57- Do you know what time it is? - Yes. It's 10:55.

1:28:57 > 1:29:03We'd better go. Because otherwise, I don't like saying this, Jerry will be unavailable.

1:29:03 > 1:29:05You'll understand when we go.

1:29:05 > 1:29:09Why will I understand? Where are we going?

1:29:09 > 1:29:12- Part of the bargain is I see it somewhere else.- What?

1:29:12 > 1:29:14That's my understanding.

1:29:14 > 1:29:17I want to see it in this other place.

1:29:17 > 1:29:20Once I see it, I'll give you Langford.

1:29:20 > 1:29:23You don't understand my position.

1:29:23 > 1:29:26I have you right now. So I have a shot at Langford.

1:29:26 > 1:29:29- But you don't have Jerry. - I understand that.

1:29:31 > 1:29:33I'll get it off as fast as I can.

1:29:33 > 1:29:35That's good, Masha.

1:29:35 > 1:29:37Yeah?

1:29:37 > 1:29:39- Are you all right?- I'm fine.

1:29:39 > 1:29:41There you are.

1:29:41 > 1:29:43Come on.

1:29:49 > 1:29:52One more thing, please. I can't walk in with you.

1:29:52 > 1:29:56If you could wait here and let me walk in by myself.

1:29:56 > 1:30:00I'll break your ankles if you make a wrong move.

1:30:00 > 1:30:02No, I promise. OK?

1:30:02 > 1:30:05- Make believe you don't know me, too. - Go ahead.

1:30:30 > 1:30:33Jerry, you seem a little bit...

1:30:44 > 1:30:46Jerry!

1:30:46 > 1:30:48Jerry, wait!

1:30:48 > 1:30:50Jerry! Jerry!

1:30:50 > 1:30:52Jerry, come back here!

1:30:54 > 1:30:56Jerry!

1:31:00 > 1:31:02RITA: Oh, God.

1:31:03 > 1:31:05What do you want now?

1:31:08 > 1:31:10MAN: What are you doing?

1:31:10 > 1:31:14- I'm watching that. It's almost over. - Just a minute.

1:31:14 > 1:31:17MC: 'It's the Jerry Langford Show.

1:31:17 > 1:31:19'With guest host Tony Randall.

1:31:19 > 1:31:21'And his special guests...'

1:31:21 > 1:31:24What's going on here?

1:31:24 > 1:31:26Do you know him?

1:31:26 > 1:31:28Unfortunately, yes.

1:31:28 > 1:31:31Sit tight. Relax. Everything will be OK.

1:31:31 > 1:31:33'..my first guest.

1:31:33 > 1:31:36'..he's destined for greatness.

1:31:36 > 1:31:38'In one way or another.

1:31:38 > 1:31:42'Please give your warmest greetings to the newest King of Comedy -

1:31:42 > 1:31:45'Rupert Pupkin.'

1:31:45 > 1:31:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ON TV

1:31:56 > 1:32:02Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce myself. I am Rupert Pupkin.

1:32:02 > 1:32:04I was born in Clifton, New Jersey,

1:32:04 > 1:32:08which was not at that time a federal offence.

1:32:08 > 1:32:10Is there anyone here from Clifton?

1:32:10 > 1:32:13- Oh, good. We can all relax now. - LAUGHTER

1:32:13 > 1:32:19I'd like to begin by saying that my parents were too poor to afford me a childhood.

1:32:19 > 1:32:24But the fact is that no-one is allowed to be too poor in Clifton,

1:32:24 > 1:32:28because once you fall below a certain level, they exile you.

1:32:28 > 1:32:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

1:32:32 > 1:32:37But my parents did put the first two down payments on my childhood.

1:32:37 > 1:32:41But they did also return me to the hospital as defective.

1:32:41 > 1:32:43LAUGHTER

1:32:43 > 1:32:48But, like everyone else, I grew up in large part thanks to my mother.

1:32:48 > 1:32:50If she were only here today,

1:32:50 > 1:32:54I'd say, "Hey, Mom, what are you doing here? You're dead!"

1:32:54 > 1:32:56LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING

1:32:56 > 1:32:59But seriously, you should have seen my mom.

1:32:59 > 1:33:03She was wonderful. Blonde, beautiful, intelligent...

1:33:03 > 1:33:05alcoholic.

1:33:05 > 1:33:08We used to drink milk together after school.

1:33:08 > 1:33:11Mine was homogenised. Hers was loaded.

1:33:11 > 1:33:15They picked her up for speeding. They clocked her doing 50.

1:33:15 > 1:33:17In our garage!

1:33:17 > 1:33:19APPLAUSE

1:33:23 > 1:33:27When they tested her, they found her alcohol had 2% blood.

1:33:27 > 1:33:29LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING

1:33:29 > 1:33:31WHOOPING

1:33:33 > 1:33:36Ah, but we used to joke together, Mom and me.

1:33:36 > 1:33:40Until the tears would stroll down her face and she would throw up!

1:33:40 > 1:33:43Yeah. And who would clean it up?

1:33:43 > 1:33:47Not Dad. He was too busy at O'Grady's, throwing up on his own.

1:33:47 > 1:33:53Yeah. In fact, until I was 16, I thought throwing up was a sign of maturity.

1:33:54 > 1:33:57While the other kids were sneaking cigarettes,

1:33:57 > 1:34:01I hid behind the house with my fingers down my throat.

1:34:01 > 1:34:03LAUGHTER

1:34:05 > 1:34:07The only problem was,

1:34:07 > 1:34:09I never got anywhere.

1:34:09 > 1:34:11Until one day my father caught me.

1:34:11 > 1:34:16Just as he was giving me a final kick in the stomach for luck,

1:34:16 > 1:34:19I managed to heave all over his new shoes.

1:34:19 > 1:34:23"That's it," I thought. "I've made it! I'm finally a man!"

1:34:23 > 1:34:25APPLAUSE

1:34:25 > 1:34:27WHISTLING

1:34:27 > 1:34:29WHOOPING

1:34:31 > 1:34:33But, as it turned out, I was wrong.

1:34:33 > 1:34:38- That was the only attention my father gave me.- AUDIENCE: Aww.

1:34:38 > 1:34:43He was usually too busy in the park playing ball with my sister Rose.

1:34:44 > 1:34:47But today, thanks to those many hours of practice,

1:34:47 > 1:34:50my sister Rose has grown into a fine man.

1:34:50 > 1:34:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

1:34:52 > 1:34:54WHISTLING AND WHOOPING

1:34:55 > 1:34:58I wasn't interested in athletics.

1:34:58 > 1:35:02The only exercise I got was when the other kids picked on me.

1:35:02 > 1:35:05They beat me up every Tuesday.

1:35:06 > 1:35:09And then, the school worked it into the curriculum.

1:35:10 > 1:35:14And if you knocked me out, you got extra credit.

1:35:15 > 1:35:18Except this one poor kid was afraid of me.

1:35:18 > 1:35:22I used to tell him, "Hit me! What's the matter with you?

1:35:22 > 1:35:24"Don't you want to graduate?"

1:35:24 > 1:35:26APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

1:35:28 > 1:35:34I was the youngest kid in the the history of the school to graduate in traction.

1:35:36 > 1:35:42But my only real interest, right from the beginning, was show business.

1:35:42 > 1:35:45As a young man, I began at the very top,

1:35:45 > 1:35:47collecting autographs.

1:35:47 > 1:35:49Now...

1:35:51 > 1:35:56A lot of you are probably wondering why Jerry isn't with us tonight.

1:35:56 > 1:36:00The fact is, he's tied up. And I'm the one who tied him.

1:36:01 > 1:36:07I know you think I'm joking, but that's the only way I could break into show business.

1:36:07 > 1:36:09By hijacking Jerry Langford.

1:36:09 > 1:36:14Right now, Jerry is strapped to a chair somewhere in this city.

1:36:14 > 1:36:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

1:36:16 > 1:36:18WHISTLING AND WHOOPING

1:36:19 > 1:36:23Go ahead and laugh. Thank you. I appreciate it.

1:36:23 > 1:36:25But the fact is, I'm here.

1:36:25 > 1:36:30Tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding and you'll think I was crazy.

1:36:30 > 1:36:34But better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.

1:36:34 > 1:36:36APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

1:37:01 > 1:37:03APPLAUSE

1:37:03 > 1:37:06ORCHESTRA PLAY HIM OFF

1:37:12 > 1:37:14POLICE SIRENS

1:37:15 > 1:37:17MAN: How did you do that?

1:37:17 > 1:37:20Did you like it? Thank you.

1:37:20 > 1:37:25I'll buy everyone a drink. I hope you enjoyed the show. ..Rita, keep the change.

1:37:25 > 1:37:27Come on. Let's go. >

1:37:27 > 1:37:33- Just because I made it big doesn't mean I'll forget you. - Come on, will you?

1:37:33 > 1:37:35- I'll call you, as soon as... - Come on.

1:37:35 > 1:37:40What's happening here? That's the same guy who was on TV.

1:37:40 > 1:37:42Just now, the same guy.

1:37:43 > 1:37:45I'm just getting even.

1:37:45 > 1:37:48Those jokes... those jokes were murder.

1:37:48 > 1:37:50- You didn't like those jokes?- No. No.

1:37:50 > 1:37:54I'm looking for the guy that wrote your material.

1:37:54 > 1:37:56I'd like to pick him up.

1:37:56 > 1:37:59- I wrote it. - You wrote that material?

1:37:59 > 1:38:01I think they were very good jokes.

1:38:01 > 1:38:05If you wrote it, I've got one piece of advice for you.

1:38:05 > 1:38:10Throw yourself on your knees in front of the judge and beg for mercy.

1:38:10 > 1:38:13That's very funny, but you'll see.

1:38:13 > 1:38:20NEWS: 'In a bizarre debut, self-styled comedian Rupert Pupkin appeared on The Jerry Langford Show.'

1:38:20 > 1:38:24NEWS: 'The name Rupert Pupkin is now a household word.'

1:38:24 > 1:38:30'We estimate his performance has been viewed by a record 87,000,000 households.'

1:38:30 > 1:38:37'The kidnapping King of Comedy was sentenced to six years in prison in Allenwood, Pennsylvania,

1:38:37 > 1:38:41'for his part in the abduction of Jerry Langford.'

1:38:41 > 1:38:44'Explaining his appearance on the show,

1:38:44 > 1:38:50'Rupert Pupkin told reporters he still considers Jerry his friend and mentor.'

1:38:50 > 1:38:55'He has been writing his memoirs, which have been purchased

1:38:55 > 1:38:58'by a leading publishing house for over 1,000,000.'

1:38:58 > 1:39:04'Rupert Pupkin was released after serving two years and nine months.

1:39:04 > 1:39:07'Hundreds were there to greet the 37-year-old.

1:39:07 > 1:39:13'His agent announced that King For A Night, his best-selling autobiography,

1:39:13 > 1:39:16'would become a motion picture.'

1:39:16 > 1:39:20'Pupkin said he had used his prison term to sharpen his material.

1:39:20 > 1:39:25'He is looking forward to resuming his show business career.'

1:39:26 > 1:39:31MC: 'And now, ladies and gentlemen, the man we've all been waiting for.

1:39:31 > 1:39:33'And waiting for.

1:39:33 > 1:39:35ORCHESTRA INTRO

1:39:35 > 1:39:40'Would you welcome home, please, television's brightest new star,

1:39:40 > 1:39:45'the legendary, inspirational, one-and-only King of Comedy

1:39:45 > 1:39:48'ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Pupkin.'

1:39:48 > 1:39:50APPLAUSE

1:39:50 > 1:39:52CHEERING

1:40:00 > 1:40:04'Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin!'

1:40:04 > 1:40:06APPLAUSE

1:40:08 > 1:40:11'Wonderful. Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.

1:40:14 > 1:40:17'Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.

1:40:17 > 1:40:20'Let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin.

1:40:20 > 1:40:23'Wonderful. Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.'

1:40:23 > 1:40:26WHISTLING

1:40:26 > 1:40:28LAUGHTER

1:40:37 > 1:40:40MUSIC: "Wonderful Remark" by Van Morrison

1:40:47 > 1:40:50# How can you stand the silence

1:40:51 > 1:40:54# That pervades when we all cry?

1:40:55 > 1:40:58# How can you watch the violence

1:40:59 > 1:41:01# That erupts before your eyes?

1:41:02 > 1:41:04# How can you tell us something

1:41:06 > 1:41:08# Just to keep us hanging on?

1:41:09 > 1:41:12# Something that just don't mean nothing

1:41:14 > 1:41:16# When we see it, you are gone

1:41:18 > 1:41:20# Clinging to some other rainbow

1:41:21 > 1:41:24# I was standing, waiting in the cold

1:41:25 > 1:41:28# Telling us the same old story

1:41:29 > 1:41:31# Knowing time is growing old

1:41:33 > 1:41:37# That was a wonderful remark

1:41:40 > 1:41:44# I had my eyes closed in the dark

1:41:48 > 1:41:50# I sighed a million sighs

1:41:52 > 1:41:54# I told a million lies

1:41:54 > 1:41:56# To myself

1:41:58 > 1:42:00# To myself

1:42:11 > 1:42:15# How can we listen to you

1:42:15 > 1:42:17# When we know your talk is cheap?

1:42:19 > 1:42:22# How can we ever question

1:42:23 > 1:42:25# Why we give more and you keep?

1:42:26 > 1:42:28# How can your empty laughter

1:42:30 > 1:42:33# Fill a room like ours with joy?

1:42:33 > 1:42:37# When you're only playing with us like a child with a toy... #

1:42:37 > 1:42:41Subtitles by Paul Vane, ITFC, for BBC Subtitling - 2001

1:42:41 > 1:42:44E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk