0:02:00 > 0:02:02ANGUISHED SCREAMING
0:02:02 > 0:02:04They've started early!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07SCREAMS CONTINUE
0:02:08 > 0:02:12- Oh, hello! What's the matter?- Oh.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not dipped. - What scared you, Miss Armitage?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19 What's all the fuss?
0:02:19 > 0:02:25- Doctor Nookey, what have you been doing to this patient? - Doing? To her?
0:02:25 > 0:02:29You must be joking! I was just having a shower when she barged in.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- THAT is the women's washroom! - W-w-women's washroom?
0:02:34 > 0:02:40It's just been changed while the women's is redecorated. The notice isn't clear.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44That's no excuse! You ought to apologise.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I'm most terribly sorry.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- Aargh!- Miss Armitage!
0:02:49 > 0:02:54- Don't forget my appointment with... - Ooh!- Don't you start!
0:02:55 > 0:03:00Ooh! Why put such awkward handles on the doors?
0:03:00 > 0:03:05Oh! I'm t-terribly sorry, sir. There's been an awful mistake.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10It seems a career known for its ups and downs has reached the bottom!
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Oh!
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Pay attention. The head surgeon is doing his rounds.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22Sit up straight, now. Sit up! You must be joking! Ouf!
0:03:25 > 0:03:30As senior house surgeon, I must see that the hospital runs efficiently.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- But Doctor Nookey is a disrupting influence.- Oh, don't go on.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39I can't sack every doctor who makes an exhibition of himself.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44- Who was that woman?- Miss Armitage. She's in for observation.- Is she?!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47She observed more than she bargained for!
0:03:47 > 0:03:52That's not all. There have been other incidents with nurses.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57But you know all young doctors practise a bit of jiggery pokery.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- I do not object to jiggery but I do take exception to pokery!- Huh!
0:04:01 > 0:04:06- Excuse me...- Ah! This is the kidney case, I suppose?- Yes - Mr Bean.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Ah, kidney bean!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11 Mr Bean, how are you? Any pain?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13A bit, sir. >
0:04:13 > 0:04:18- Especially when I pass water.- The best thing is to stop passing it.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23- Whenever you come to some, stop and turn back. Has he been X-rayed?- Yes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- I'd like to see his plates.- Yes, OK.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32- I mean his X-ray plates! - Beg your pardon. Matron.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Nurse.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Thank you.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Ah!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Hmm. Yes.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46- It's a stone.- No! I thought it was a trouser button.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- Mr Bean. Do you wear a zip on your trousers?- Why, yes!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53A stone. It'll have to come out.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58- Excuse me.- Miss Fosdick, don't keep plucking at me - I'm not a chicken!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- I'm sorry but you have an appointment at 11.- It can wait.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- It's to see Mrs Moore. - And she... Oh, that's different.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09A wealthy private patient - I took her appendix out.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I hope you both had a nice time.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I'll make the jokes, Stoppidge.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20- Fosdick, get the car.- What about the operation?- You can handle it.
0:05:20 > 0:05:25- I hear you're a good kidney winkler. - But I've not done it before.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- Easy! I'll lend you my penknife. - Penknife?!
0:05:29 > 0:05:34- It's got a thing for taking out stones.- But I need your advice!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Come with me and I'll explain it.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Mr Bean!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Bend over, dear. I'll demonstrate.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58Perfectly simple. You make an incision here. Stop squirming!
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Isn't it a bit high up, sir? I don't want to take a lump off his coccyx.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07High up?! Got a skin pencil? Show me the position of a kidney.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Well, I would say it's just about...there.
0:06:11 > 0:06:18- What's that - a cashew?! - His kidney.- That little thing? He's not a hamster!- OK.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21That's just a bit larger.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25No, no. It's not in the right place. Here, I'll show you.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30There! That's where you'll find it.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32No, sir. I beg to differ.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- That is where his liver is. - Nonsense!
0:06:36 > 0:06:42The liver's not there, it's there. And there's the backbone. You see?
0:06:42 > 0:06:47- Would you mind doing that again, sir?- Yes, sir, please do.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Thank you, nurse.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53BUZZER
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Mrs Beasley, please. About time, too.
0:07:01 > 0:07:08- Good morning, Mrs Beasley. And what's wrong with you today? - That's for you to find out, Doctor.
0:07:08 > 0:07:16- Any rate, I brought you this sample you asked me for. - The correct word is a specimen.
0:07:16 > 0:07:22- Call it what you like. I know what I call it... - Not in front of Sister.
0:07:22 > 0:07:28And you should give us bottles with wider tops. I had a job getting it in.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33- You ought to have used a funnel. - I tried one of those.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36It kept running out the other end.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- Never mind, you've done splendidly. - It's all right, is it?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Fresh as a stream - nothing wrong.
0:07:43 > 0:07:49Maybe not there, but it doesn't mean there's nothing wrong with the rest of me.
0:07:49 > 0:07:55Like the bowels. They're driving me mad and nothing seems to shift them.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- Have you tried a laxative? - Not bowels, Doctor. BELLS!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Ringing in me earholes all day.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08Oh, I see. I beg your pardon. Please go on, Mrs Beasley.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11There's like this swelling at night.
0:08:11 > 0:08:18..When the palpitations start, it wakes me up and that wakes HIM up. Then, he's at it again.
0:08:18 > 0:08:25- At it?- Grousing. SHE IMITATES HIM GRUMBLING
0:08:25 > 0:08:33- Well, have you tried using separate beds?- He won't have it. Says it's denying him his convivial rights.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38Yes, well. I'll get Sister to give you some sleeping tablets.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Now, I really must get on.- This way.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46Ooh! I never told you about the rheumatism in my right leg.
0:08:46 > 0:08:52- Don't worry, it's just old age. - My left leg's as old, I don't get it in that!
0:08:52 > 0:08:57OK, you win. Sister, would you give her some tablets for it?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Yes, Doctor. Come along. Thank you. See you tomorrow!
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- Who's next, Sister? - Mr Pullen for his hormone injections.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09You can bring Mr Pullen in, nurse.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Come along, now - you're next.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Up we get. That's it. Now, hold on tight round my waist.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Not too tight.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Stop it! Behave yourself.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28Yes, I know what you'd like to do to me. Isn't he awful? At his age!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Take Dr Stoppidge back and return for me. Come on, Fosdick.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56- Good morning.- Morning.- Mrs Moore is ready for you. Go on in.- Thank you.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04Dear Mrs Moore. You're looking well today. How are you feeling?
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Wonderful.
0:10:05 > 0:10:12I had no idea having one's appendix out could be so exhilarating. I feel years younger!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Splendid, splendid!
0:10:14 > 0:10:20- Be honest now - do I look 40? - You really feel as young as that?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22No, that's what I am!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Yes, I was just joking. So, you're leaving today?
0:10:26 > 0:10:31- I'm not sorry. This bed's OK but I miss my slap and tickle.- W-what?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- Slap and Tickle - my Siamese always sleep on my bed.- Of course.
0:10:35 > 0:10:41I'm grateful for everything. They told me you were a wonderful surgeon.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I suppose I am a CUT above the rest.
0:10:46 > 0:10:52You know, I've been thinking. I would like to show my appreciation.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57Now, just because you're a widow, I shouldn't take advantage of you.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Oh, I don't mind...now and then.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Well, there is something I would... like to do.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- Yes.- For many years now, I've had a dream.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14A dream that would bring hope to millions of suffering people.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17The Frederick Carver Foundation.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Is that a sort of corset?
0:11:19 > 0:11:25No, no, a private clinic. But, alas, it would be a costly project -
0:11:25 > 0:11:31- Five hundred thou... - I wasn't thinking of financial appreciation. I don't do that.
0:11:31 > 0:11:37How modest. And the medical mission you set up in the Beatific Islands?
0:11:37 > 0:11:41But my husband died there and I was showing my gratitude.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- For the way they cared for him! - Quite.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Dr Clarke to Reception.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Hello, Doctor, another bill for ya.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- Wotcha, Jim.- Hello, Henry. - Swotting up on anatomy?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06I could do with surgical equipment like that.
0:12:06 > 0:12:12- Fed up?- You're joking! I'm getting fed up with this place, Henry.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15To specialise - that's what I want.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Harley Street with lovely, rich women patients.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24- What specialism?- The thing I'm good at gets you struck off!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26He's my patient.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Fancy a game of diagnosis?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- What, with him? Half a dollar? - Right.- Let's see.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Sallow complexion, droopy eyelids.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- I'd say pernicious anaemia. - Sorry. Cirrhosis.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Damn. How about that one?
0:12:43 > 0:12:48- Double or quits.- Not one of ours. - Go on, have a go.- All right.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- I'd say a slipped disc.- Never!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Must be haemorrhoids, and a very bad case too.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Let's ask him.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02Sir, we're doing spot diagnoses and I was wondering if you could help.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07I say haemorrhoids and he thinks slipped disc. Could you tell us?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Let me see. You thought it's a slipped disc.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Right. I'm afraid you're wrong.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- And you thought haemorrhoids. - Right.- You were wrong.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- Well, what then? - I thought I was going to break wind.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I was wrong!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Dr Nookey to Casualty, please.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31See you, Henry.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- What is it, Matron?- Accident at the advertising film studio.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Just coming in now.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50- Something the matter?- I've just seen you on a pin-up calender.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Oh, I did model, but not for long.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Those photographers expect too much for their money!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00What an extraordinary coincidence.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04I just thinking I could do with a bit of...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Yes, well. What happened to you?
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Here's the accident report, Doctor. - Thank you.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Miss Locks. Bruising and possible fracture.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18That's right, I was posing on this enormous packet and I fell.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Oh, I see...I think.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23We'll need a closer look at you.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25If you would, Matron.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Cor!
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- What's wrong? - Nothing. It's all marvellous.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Where are your clothes, Miss Locks?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38This is all I had on, for an advertisement.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41What were you advertising?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Bristol's Bouncing Baby Food.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- I can see the connection.- I can't see any sign of bruising, Doctor.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52I fell on my bottom. There's nothing in front.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- I wouldn't say that.- Ooh, cheeky!
0:14:55 > 0:15:00- I think we'd better turn you over. - Turn over please. Miss Locks.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Cor!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Can you see them? - Ooh, yes, not 'alf!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Um, yes, nasty, very nasty.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Tell me if this hurts, would you?
0:15:15 > 0:15:20- Ooh, haven't you got hot hands? - Oh, I wouldn't say that.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I don't think there's a fracture.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Do you feel any fever or giddiness?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Yes, I'm a bit...
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I meant Miss Locks!
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Oh, we'd better check. Turn over again, please.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44That one's fine.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Do you want an X-ray?- Pardon?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Do you wish an X-ray?!
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Ow! Yes, as soon as possible, please, Matron.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Thank you. Well, it's the pulse now. May I have your hand, please?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Shouldn't it be my wrist? - Oh, of course.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11We'll get the results soon.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15I hope I'm OK. I've got a screen test tomorrow.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20- What's your first name? - Goldie.- Goldie!
0:16:20 > 0:16:26- Oh...Goldie Locks!- I know, it's shocking. But I got stuck with it.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31- Well, what's your real name then? - Maud. Maud Boggins.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Oh, never mind, eh? Goldie's a nice name.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36What's your name?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Jimmy. Jimmy Nookey.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Not much better off!
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Goldie, how about going out with me one evening?
0:16:45 > 0:16:50- What for?- Well, a spot of dinner, dancing and stuff.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- Dinner and dancing, but nothing else!- Oh, I know.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56< Long as you know.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- There we are. No fracture. - Good.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- Yippee! No fracture! - There will be if you keep going.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- Can I go now?- There's no hurry. Would you like a look around?
0:17:07 > 0:17:12- All right.- We'll start with my room. - I've seen a room.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Here, I like your telly.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Do you? I'll show you what's on.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Let's see.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Contact.
0:17:21 > 0:17:27And now before your very eyes! Our Genuine Chinese Spare Ribs.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- The profile. Go on, ask me the time. - What's the time?
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Four twenty-five.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Have a go!- Yeah.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Whoops.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- How do I look?- Boney, don't know what I see in you.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Ooh, I wish I could see myself.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Oh, I might be able to get a print of this.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Let's see.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56MACHINERY WHIRRS Now say cheese!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Oh! Help! Oh!
0:18:03 > 0:18:08Stay...stay where you are. I'll pull the main fuse out!
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Coming!
0:18:59 > 0:19:03BELLS RING
0:19:09 > 0:19:13I don't know how one man created such chaos!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16We didn't recover until today.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I know, sir. I just can't help myself.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22You're always helping yourself!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Sir, must we prolong this? I'll just resign.
0:19:25 > 0:19:31There's no need for that! Everyone has a bit of fun now and again.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Do they?
0:19:32 > 0:19:38I think you could help me. I've got a bit of a sex problem myself.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Oooh! Well, you don't have to around here, sir!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44There's a nurse in Ward B...
0:19:44 > 0:19:48No! Not the physical side. I know what's what and where's where.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53- You can't be a surgeon without noticing.- No, sir.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57No. A lady I'm taking to dinner, frankly I want to...
0:19:57 > 0:20:03- impress her.- You're on the make. - Yes! No! In a manner of speaking.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I haven't had much experience.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Oh, I see, sir.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12If I were you, as soon as you'd sat her down I'd give her the business.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- Sitting down?! - Chat her up, a bit of flannel.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21How beautiful you are. What big eyes you have, and other things.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26- I can't say big other things! - You HAVEN'T had much experience.- No.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30How about if I jot down lines for you to try out?
0:20:30 > 0:20:34You'd do that for me? That would be most kind, Doctor.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44- Is Doctor Nookey still in there? - Yes.- I'd hate to be in his shoes.
0:20:44 > 0:20:50- It's time he's taken down a peg or two. - That will give you great pleasure.
0:20:58 > 0:21:04'I've got to say it. You are a wonderful person!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06'Your eyes...
0:21:06 > 0:21:10'Oh, I'm filled with ecstasy!
0:21:10 > 0:21:15- 'Now hold hands. That's good. - What a lovely little hand you have.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- 'Kiss, kiss, kiss. ..I adore you. - I adore you!'
0:21:22 > 0:21:28Jolly good, sir. By this time she'll be on the run! Please go on.
0:21:28 > 0:21:34Darling, I must tell you. Now you do something exciting to me!
0:21:34 > 0:21:41Eh? No, look. Darling, I must tell you now. You do something exciting to me.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Oh! Sorry! Yes.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- We've known each other for four whole weeks.- Yeah.
0:22:04 > 0:22:10- Is it a record?- The longest time I've had without getting somewhere.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14What do mean? We went to Bognor last Sunday!
0:22:14 > 0:22:19- You know what I mean.- Yeah, but I don't want to spoil it, Jim.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Silly - it likes to be spoilt.
0:22:21 > 0:22:26- Um, have you ever thought of getting married?- Married, what for?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Oh, never mind.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Look at that couple!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- Something wrong?- Oh, no, no. I just dropped something.- Got it?
0:22:45 > 0:22:50Yes, thank you. Ellen, my dear, you look ravishing tonight!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Oh, Frederick, how very nice of you.
0:22:53 > 0:22:59Yes. ..Mmm, Matron looks charming over there, out of uniform.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08- This is the happiest moment of my life!- I'd taste it first, mate.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Yes. Of course, thank you.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Ellen, my dear...to you.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17And to you, I'm sure.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Quite nice.- Yes.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- You won't have to worry much longer about getting nowhere.- Really?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33I've had an offer to go to Italy. Filming.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Italy! But that's miles away. - Oh, clever boy.
0:23:36 > 0:23:42- Oh, no, Goldie, Do you want to go? - No, but I do have to support myself.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47- Being a single girl.- Oh, hell. There must be some way around this.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Yes, well, you're the doctor. Suggest something!
0:23:53 > 0:23:58- I've got it.- Yes, Jim? There's - a job going here, in the office.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00You make me so mad!
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Next - a general excuse-me.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Excuse ME!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27May I, Doctor?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Miss Fosdick looks quite gay, doesn't she?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- OVER THE MUSIC:- My dear...
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I can't tell you how much tonight means to me.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Just to see your lovely face.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Pardon?
0:25:03 > 0:25:09To hear your lovely voice. Must you play so blasted loud?
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- I can hardly hear myself think! - Go on, Frederick.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- Go on?- With what you were saying.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Oh, yes. Oh, I've dropped my napkin. Excuse me.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27- Your eyes...- Frederick! I don't know if you're after me or my money,
0:25:27 > 0:25:31but put that piece of paper down and stop messing about.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Dr Stoppidge!
0:25:37 > 0:25:42- Miss Armitage is having one of her turns.- Oh, no.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Excuse me, sir. - Of course, Doctor, run along.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49SCREAMING
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Stay there!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Oh, death before dishonour.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Keep that nasty lecher away from me!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Who does she mean?- You, Doctor.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Oh, I didn't think it showed.
0:26:04 > 0:26:10It's that incident with Dr Nookey. Thinks every man's after her.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Well, she's disturbing the other patients.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Now come, don't be a silly girl!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Keep back! Keep back!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22You know me. I'm Doctor Stoppidge.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27Huh! You're all the same, you're only after one thing.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31No, not true, Miss Armitage. I only want to get you into bed.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Get out!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Sex maniac!
0:26:38 > 0:26:42It's Dr Nookey's fault. The sooner he goes the better.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45You didn't help matters, Doctor.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- Is a private room free?- Number ten. - Put her in there tonight.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I'll give you a sedative for her.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Right. Use these. She'll think it's the Pill - never mind.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Thank you.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- There we are, my dear.- Thank you.
0:27:20 > 0:27:26- I was wondering if you could help me. - I'd do anything for you - you know that, my dear.
0:27:26 > 0:27:32- You see, I'm in trouble.- I don't think I could do anything like that.
0:27:32 > 0:27:41- You don't know yet! It's that medical mission of mine in the Islands.- I see! How can I help?
0:27:41 > 0:27:46We lost our resident doctor and I haven't been able to replace him.
0:27:46 > 0:27:53- Not surprising! Any doctor would be foolish to bury himself in such a dump!- Can't you find me someone?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I don't know anyone so STUPID.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01I don't know, though. Dr Nookey!
0:28:01 > 0:28:07- Yes, sir.- How would you like a good job with a medical mission abroad?
0:28:07 > 0:28:11A medical mission? Abroad? You must be joking!
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- LAUGHING:- A medical mission!
0:28:14 > 0:28:18See! And they don't come stupider than him!
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Well, if you can't do that to help ME, why should I help you?
0:28:22 > 0:28:29- Don't be like that... - It isn't much!- No, and I promise I'll do my best to find someone.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31You'd better.
0:28:31 > 0:28:36- And a fruit cup, sir.- Thank you very much indeed. Oh!- Hello!
0:28:36 > 0:28:40- How's that, sir? - Well, I do like a bit of meat.- Yes.
0:28:57 > 0:29:02SLOW, SMOOCHY MUSIC
0:29:19 > 0:29:24Sorry I've been so long. Right, ham and turkey for you and one for me.
0:29:24 > 0:29:31- I'm sorry, it's only fruit cup. - No thanks, I have to watch my figure. - It's well worth watching!
0:29:31 > 0:29:37- Or I blow up like a balloon. - I know a good game with balloons! Cheers!- Cheers!
0:29:40 > 0:29:42As I was saying...
0:29:42 > 0:29:47HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:29:49 > 0:29:52That's pretty good stuff! Mmm!
0:29:52 > 0:29:57You'll be all right now. There are no men in this room.
0:30:00 > 0:30:01Nurse.
0:30:02 > 0:30:08HIS SHOUTS ACCOMPANY JAZZY MUSIC
0:30:26 > 0:30:29- DRUNKENLY:- I'm very sorry!
0:30:29 > 0:30:34- The boss has got a beady eye on you. - You know what he can do with it!
0:30:41 > 0:30:49- Ooh!- Yeah, that wine cup must have been good. Have you forgotten you're driving me home?- It's OK.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52- What about the breathalyser? - I can still breathe!
0:30:52 > 0:30:55Never mind, I'll walk home.
0:30:55 > 0:31:02- No! I've got an idea. Stay here. - And where am I going to sleep if that's not a silly question?!
0:31:02 > 0:31:07I've got it all worked out. There's a private room empty. N-number ten.
0:31:08 > 0:31:16- I dunno. Is it allowed? - W-well, of course! W-who's to know? Come on, quick, before the rush.
0:31:22 > 0:31:26- Jim. This isn't such a good idea. - Nonsense! It's a great idea.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30- But I haven't got a nightie.- I have. - A nightie?
0:31:31 > 0:31:36- No, I'll lend you my jypamas. - PYJAMAS!- That's right - jypamas.
0:31:36 > 0:31:42- Go and get undressed and I'll bring them. - Jim, we don't want to spoil things.
0:31:42 > 0:31:47- We won't spoil them - they're nylon, drip dry!- I didn't mean the pyjamas.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50Shh! Now this is the room.
0:31:50 > 0:31:58- N-number ten. I'll go and get them and we can have a little... - Jim, not that old bit!
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Shh! I love you. B-back soon.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05HE HUMS MERRILY
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Come on, where are you?
0:32:09 > 0:32:13Ah! Moet, me old chum. Your hour has come.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Taxi will be here in a minute, Miss.
0:32:16 > 0:32:21Oh, thank you. Would you get this to Dr Nookey first thing tomorrow?
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Certainly, Miss. Thank you.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28HE CONTINUES TO HUM
0:32:35 > 0:32:39Ah, you're in bed, eh? Won't be a sec.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47J-just a drop of passion juice to get us in the mood, eh?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50CORK POPS Aargh!
0:32:50 > 0:32:53It's all right! It's only the cork!
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- I said it's only the... - SHE SCREAMS - Ah!
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Oh n-no, n-not you again!
0:32:58 > 0:33:05- SHE SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY - No, shush! I don't want you. I want Goldie.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09- SCREAMS CONTINUE - The private patient's suite. Quick!
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Goldie! Where are you?
0:33:13 > 0:33:14Gol-die!
0:33:15 > 0:33:17Gol-die!
0:33:17 > 0:33:23- I might have known.- Get back you... Carver! Or I'll chop your head off!
0:33:23 > 0:33:26- Get him! He's mad! - Anyone for Casualty?
0:33:29 > 0:33:33Goldie! Goldie, where are you?
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Gol-die!
0:33:39 > 0:33:41CRASH Help!
0:33:41 > 0:33:44- Goldie?- Ouch, ouch! Help!
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Goldie?
0:33:47 > 0:33:48Goldie!
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Gol...Aargh!
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Aaaah!
0:34:01 > 0:34:02Look out!
0:34:07 > 0:34:08Oh, no!
0:34:18 > 0:34:20HE GIGGLES
0:34:31 > 0:34:36Dr Nookey says he went to the private ward to see his girlfriend.
0:34:36 > 0:34:41- That is correct.- But if there was a girlfriend, why did she disappear?
0:34:41 > 0:34:44Can't always knock down a coconut!
0:34:44 > 0:34:52Hmm. I think he means that he had arranged a clandestine meeting with the girl, who then changed her mind.
0:34:52 > 0:35:00Quite. We shouldn't condemn him because he made the wrong diagnosis of what is, or is not, crumpet.
0:35:05 > 0:35:10"I'm sorry, darling. I guess I'm just an old-fashioned girl at heart.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13"And I just don't like wearing jypamas!
0:35:13 > 0:35:15"Goodbye. It's been fun.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18"Goldie."
0:35:18 > 0:35:22Well, he cannot be allowed to practise in any hospital.
0:35:22 > 0:35:29Of course not. But let me talk with him, as I may have a solution to satisfy everyone -
0:35:29 > 0:35:31with the exception of Dr Nookey!
0:35:33 > 0:35:35All right, Mr Carver.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41- Bad news, sir?- Disastrous!
0:35:41 > 0:35:46You're up the alimentary canal without a paddle!
0:35:46 > 0:35:48The medical council, then?
0:35:48 > 0:35:55No. I think I can dissuade the board - provided you clear off abroad somewhere.
0:35:55 > 0:35:59- Where?- There's that job with the medical mission.
0:35:59 > 0:36:04- I have not sunk that low.- I suppose there ARE other jobs for ex-doctors.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08W-w-where is this...mission?
0:36:08 > 0:36:13Asia Bay in the Beatific Islands. Very good salary, too!
0:36:13 > 0:36:17The Beatific Islands? That doesn't sound too bad.
0:36:17 > 0:36:22Imagine it, Nookey. A tropical paradise. Beautiful warm seas.
0:36:22 > 0:36:27The smell of oleander. Dusky maidens. Great big coconuts.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Oh. I love great big...coconuts.
0:36:30 > 0:36:35- No shortage of them! The heat has a funny effect!- W-when can I go?
0:36:35 > 0:36:40- Right away!- I couldn't do that, sir. I've got things to buy and to pack.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42Shall we say...half an hour?
0:37:04 > 0:37:09The Beatific Islands(!) Someone has a sense of humour!
0:37:09 > 0:37:12- Are you sure we're in the right country?- Yes.
0:37:12 > 0:37:17- All right, Dr Cookey! - Nookey, mate. Nookey!- Yes, Cookey.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Look!
0:37:19 > 0:37:22There's medical mission.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25Oh, gawd blimey!
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Come on.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32Well, give us a push!
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Watch it! There's a crocogator!
0:37:47 > 0:37:51Wait, please. I get mission orderly - Mr Gladstone.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55Mr Gladstone! Mr Gladstone!
0:37:55 > 0:37:56Gladstone?
0:37:56 > 0:37:59Big doctor from England come!
0:38:04 > 0:38:09I was just breaking in a new nurse! Showing her where everything goes!
0:38:09 > 0:38:13- This, Dr Kinky. - Cookey! No! I mean Nookey!
0:38:13 > 0:38:17- I've been sent to take over this mission.- They didn't tell me.
0:38:17 > 0:38:25- That's obvious.- Welcome to Azure Bay, doc. May the fertility of Sumaka swell your coconuts.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28- Pardon?- A local greeting. Nothing personal!
0:38:28 > 0:38:33- I'm the orderly - Gladstone Screwer. - Screwer?- People call me Gladstone.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35I'm not surprised.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38- Well, may I come in?- Oh, yes!
0:38:38 > 0:38:40Chop! Chop!
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Argh!
0:38:44 > 0:38:46I'm sorry about that. It's woodworm.
0:38:47 > 0:38:52- Ooh!- You all right? - Just a slight compound fracture(!)
0:38:52 > 0:38:58- Would you like to see the doctor? - I was only jo... You already have a doctor here?
0:38:58 > 0:39:02- Well, a local medicine man. - A witch doctor?
0:39:02 > 0:39:06- What, doctor?- Witch doctor.- Yes! Very good for witches!
0:39:06 > 0:39:10Ha! Would you like to look round the mission?
0:39:10 > 0:39:14No. Tomorrow morning will do. I need a good sleep.
0:39:14 > 0:39:18- I see you've got a hammock. - I wouldn't...
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Oh, well. He shouldn't last too long.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34INSECT BUZZES
0:39:36 > 0:39:38BUZZING CONTINUES
0:39:52 > 0:39:54SQUIRT!
0:40:10 > 0:40:13Good morning, Mr Gladstone. Morning.
0:40:19 > 0:40:23- Morning, doc. Have a good sleep? - No. I didn't.
0:40:23 > 0:40:28- Those damn mosquitos!- Right. It's the drains.- What's wrong with them?
0:40:28 > 0:40:33- We haven't got any.- Why not? What do you do with Mrs Moore's money?
0:40:33 > 0:40:39You know, there's always lots of important medical supplies to be bought...
0:40:39 > 0:40:43- It hasn't been spent on decoration. - Coffee, doc?- Thank you.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45- Coconut?- No. I'll have it black.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Mmmm. Unusual flavour.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52Yes. Locally made from beetles.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57- Beetles?- Betel nuts, that is. - That's better.
0:40:57 > 0:41:03Yeah. The women roast the nuts, crush them in their teeth, then spit them out on mats to dry.
0:41:05 > 0:41:10Fascinating. I'm glad they get good drying weather. I've only seen rain.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14- It only rains for nine months of the year.- Nine months?
0:41:14 > 0:41:18- We're in the pregnant belt. - And the other three months?
0:41:18 > 0:41:22- That's the hurricane period. - Marvellous(!) Rain and hurricanes.
0:41:22 > 0:41:26The natives call these islands All Pees Na Fafa.
0:41:26 > 0:41:31- All Rain And Wind.- Charming. Well, what time is surgery?
0:41:31 > 0:41:38- Any time you like, doc. Nobody ever comes.- What?- Well, they don't believe in white man's medicine.
0:41:38 > 0:41:43- Why am I here?- There's bags to do! Swimming, if you don't mind sharks!
0:41:43 > 0:41:49- And indoor sports - I could fix you up with a bit of cr...- No. Thank you.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Hang on. We've got a jigsaw puzzle here.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55Queen Victoria and her family! 500 pieces.
0:41:55 > 0:41:59No - 499. One dropped down the wotsit.
0:41:59 > 0:42:04Look, what is the good of spending all this money on medicine?
0:42:04 > 0:42:06There's masses of it.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08Just look at that!
0:42:10 > 0:42:12Whisky? Where did that come from?
0:42:12 > 0:42:15That... That came from an old wreck.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18- What old wreck? - The last doctor we had!
0:42:18 > 0:42:24- Ha! Ha! Ha!- This is ridiculous! Just look at this place! It's a...
0:42:25 > 0:42:28There's nothing in there. What...?
0:42:34 > 0:42:39- I thought you said there were no patients.- They're not patients, doc.
0:42:39 > 0:42:44- What are they doing here?- They're my wives and kids.- Your wives?
0:42:44 > 0:42:47Only these five. I'll introduce you.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52There's Monday...Tuesday...
0:42:53 > 0:42:55..Wednesday, Thursday...
0:42:56 > 0:42:59- And last, but not least...- Friday. - That's it.
0:42:59 > 0:43:03At least YOU know what to do with your spare time.
0:43:03 > 0:43:07But there's not much doing at the weekend!
0:43:11 > 0:43:15I hope you don't mind them stopping here, doc.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18It does save me a long walk to the village.
0:43:18 > 0:43:22And I see you need every ounce of your strength!
0:43:22 > 0:43:25Did the last doctor leave this here?
0:43:25 > 0:43:28- That IS the last doctor. - That does it!
0:43:34 > 0:43:36Call me in a couple of weeks!
0:43:37 > 0:43:39If you last that long!
0:43:39 > 0:43:42Ha! Ha! Ha! Ooh!
0:43:42 > 0:43:44Twit!
0:43:47 > 0:43:51My dear, it'll make a marvellous private clinic.
0:43:51 > 0:43:5720 bedrooms, the attic studio as an operating theatre and magnificent drawing rooms!
0:43:57 > 0:44:04- If I put up the money. What do I get out of it?- A partnership of course. You know that.
0:44:04 > 0:44:09- I haven't said yes yet.- You said if I find a doctor for your mission...
0:44:09 > 0:44:16I don't even know if he's all right. I haven't heard from him. Anything might be happening.
0:44:25 > 0:44:30DRUMS BEAT CONTINUOUSLY OUTSIDE
0:45:06 > 0:45:07Breakfast, doc?
0:45:09 > 0:45:14- Good news. The rain's stopped. The hurricanes are here.- I had noticed.
0:45:15 > 0:45:20Doc. Why don't you go home? This place is no good to you.
0:45:20 > 0:45:25There's nothing to go home for, Gladstone. Nobody loves me.
0:45:25 > 0:45:30You'll go barmy if you stay here. My father did. He was a missionary.
0:45:30 > 0:45:32Missionaries are good men.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34People love them.
0:45:34 > 0:45:38Oh, Gladstone. Why do you stay here yourself?
0:45:38 > 0:45:45- I was born here. I don't know any different. I get enough for my needs. - In the hospital, eh?
0:45:47 > 0:45:53A bit of that wouldn't do you any harm. These jigsaw puzzles can't replace the other.
0:45:53 > 0:45:55No. I only want one woman.
0:45:55 > 0:46:00- To start with, yes. - I didn't mean that.- Listen to me!
0:46:00 > 0:46:03We have a bird here, unattached - beautiful!
0:46:03 > 0:46:08- And I'm already doing a five-day week.- No, no, no...- Listen.
0:46:08 > 0:46:12She'd do anything for you - absolutely anything.
0:46:12 > 0:46:14- Anything?- Anything.
0:46:14 > 0:46:19Ooh, I could do with a bit...hic! ..of help with my jigsaw!
0:46:19 > 0:46:23That a boy, doc. I'll bring her in. Scrubber!
0:46:23 > 0:46:26Scrubber? That's a funny name for a girl!
0:46:33 > 0:46:36- What's up? Don't you like?- Ooh, no.
0:46:36 > 0:46:42No! It's just that she's... Could we be alone for a few moments?
0:46:42 > 0:46:46- Yes! I'll be back in a minute.- No! You and me!
0:46:46 > 0:46:50Oh. I see. All right, then. Ktanga bulat.
0:46:53 > 0:46:57- Something's bothering you, doc. - Well... It's just that...
0:46:57 > 0:47:01She's charming, but not quite what I expected.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04- She's not big enough for you. - On the contrary!
0:47:04 > 0:47:09- She's like the original white man's burden!- What? We like them big!
0:47:09 > 0:47:13A woman's attraction is judged by her size.
0:47:13 > 0:47:17I'm certain her mantelpiece is stuffed with trophies.
0:47:17 > 0:47:21You see, where I come from, we like them sort of more...
0:47:21 > 0:47:24M... Just a minute.
0:47:26 > 0:47:29See? More like THAT!
0:47:29 > 0:47:33- Straight?- With a bit of a wiggle here and there.
0:47:33 > 0:47:35Preferably there!
0:47:35 > 0:47:39Amazing, innit? If that's what you want, give us a week.
0:47:39 > 0:47:42Gladstone, what's the point...?
0:47:42 > 0:47:46- Oh, those damn drums! Why do they keep pounding...?- Sssh!
0:47:46 > 0:47:49DRUMS CONTINUE Hang on.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52Gladstone, where are you going?
0:47:52 > 0:47:53Gladstone?
0:47:53 > 0:47:56- Gladstone...- Ssssh!
0:47:56 > 0:47:59DRUMS BEAT It can't be.
0:47:59 > 0:48:01What's wrong?
0:48:01 > 0:48:03"Manchester United, six.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06"Chelsea, one."
0:48:06 > 0:48:08DRUMS CONTINUE
0:48:08 > 0:48:10"Arsenal, five.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12"Wolves, nil."
0:48:26 > 0:48:28Wait here.
0:48:34 > 0:48:36Is Mr Carver in?
0:48:36 > 0:48:40Yes, he is. He's seeing someone. That's right. Me.
0:48:40 > 0:48:44Take a breath and don't breathe out until I say so.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46Good. Now...
0:48:46 > 0:48:51Oh, my dear! How fortunate. I've got the contract for the house...
0:48:51 > 0:48:58- Look at this!- "Gladstone Screwer"? - The orderly at the mission. Read it.
0:48:58 > 0:49:00"Madam, it is with great regret
0:49:00 > 0:49:06"that I write to inform you of the disgraceful behaviour of Dr Nookey.
0:49:06 > 0:49:10"He's done nothing but drink whisky and...debauch women!
0:49:10 > 0:49:15"Unless he's recalled, both will soon be exhausted.
0:49:15 > 0:49:17"He's neglected his duties
0:49:17 > 0:49:21- "and the natives are dying like flies."- Flies!
0:49:21 > 0:49:23Flies. Yes.
0:49:23 > 0:49:25SPLUTTER
0:49:25 > 0:49:28All right. You can breathe out now.
0:49:30 > 0:49:32Over-susceptible.
0:49:32 > 0:49:37- I had a premonition.- I don't know what to do.- Well, do something.
0:49:37 > 0:49:43- I'll write a stiff letter - on cardboard! - You have to find another doctor.
0:49:43 > 0:49:48- I had enough trouble getting him there.- Shall I tear this up?- Wait!
0:49:48 > 0:49:54- I'll fly out there. How about that?- Very well. So long as it's right away.
0:50:20 > 0:50:23Doc? Hey, Dr Nookey!
0:50:23 > 0:50:26- Is that Goldie? - No. It's me, Gladstone.
0:50:26 > 0:50:29I bought that bird back, Scrubber.
0:50:29 > 0:50:33- Oh, no.- Yes. You'll like her this time. Scrubber!
0:50:33 > 0:50:36No. No. No.
0:50:36 > 0:50:39I told you last week. All I want...
0:50:43 > 0:50:46- Is that the same woman?- Of course.
0:50:50 > 0:50:54But last week she was as big as... with the...
0:50:54 > 0:50:59- Now! How did she do it?- The doctor gave her some stuff.- Medicine?- Yeah.
0:50:59 > 0:51:05I know women back home who'd give a fortune for that stuff! A fortune!
0:51:06 > 0:51:11- That is it!- You all right, doc? - Fine. How does he make that stuff?
0:51:11 > 0:51:16Oh, a little juice from the banyan tree, parrot droppings, gnats' milk.
0:51:16 > 0:51:20- Could I make it?- No. There's an art to it. Have you milked a gnat?
0:51:20 > 0:51:27- But if I were to pay for it, would he give it to me? - Pay?- Yes. Money. Ackers!
0:51:27 > 0:51:30How about 100 English cigarettes a bottle?
0:51:30 > 0:51:35- Cigarettes?- That's the usual currency here.- 200 if you like!
0:51:35 > 0:51:41It's a deal! Here we are - twice daily for a week injected. Cigarettes?
0:51:41 > 0:51:46No. I'll give them to him to make certain of a regular supply.
0:51:46 > 0:51:49That doctor I told you about is me!
0:51:49 > 0:51:50You?
0:51:50 > 0:51:53Him? I might have known it!
0:51:59 > 0:52:04There! There's plenty more coming so get out your milking stool!
0:52:04 > 0:52:07INAUDIBLE
0:52:07 > 0:52:10Can she do something to please you?
0:52:10 > 0:52:11Oh, no, no.
0:52:11 > 0:52:13Yes! Yes, there is!
0:52:13 > 0:52:17- What?- She can help me pack. I'm going back home!
0:52:27 > 0:52:32Thank you, George. I shall be going back to the clinic at twelve.
0:52:42 > 0:52:44WOMEN CHATTER
0:52:48 > 0:52:52THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
0:53:07 > 0:53:08There he is!
0:53:11 > 0:53:14- Thank you Miss Filkington-Battermore.- Diedre.
0:53:14 > 0:53:19Oh, Diedre, yes. I don't know what I would have done without you.
0:53:19 > 0:53:24One should do everything one can to please one's employer.
0:53:24 > 0:53:29I mean, when one doesn't do all that silly typing and shorthand,
0:53:29 > 0:53:33one has to make up for it in other ways, doesn't one?
0:53:34 > 0:53:39Well, I expect so. Yes. I suppose it's about time we got down to it.
0:53:39 > 0:53:41Anything you say, Doctor.
0:53:48 > 0:53:50- I'm ready.- Good.
0:53:54 > 0:53:57I meant to go through the letters!
0:53:57 > 0:54:05Oh! I should point out that I like my employers to make their needs absolutely clear, Doctor.
0:54:05 > 0:54:07Well, now, er...
0:54:07 > 0:54:10- HIGH-PITCHED - Are these all...?
0:54:10 > 0:54:13- Are these applications for treatment?- Yes, Doctor.
0:54:13 > 0:54:16What time's my first appointment?
0:54:16 > 0:54:18In ten minutes, Doctor.
0:54:18 > 0:54:22So if there's anything else you want...
0:54:22 > 0:54:28Well, as a matter of fact, I... I would like to look at my paper.
0:54:28 > 0:54:30It's there for you, Doctor.
0:54:30 > 0:54:33Oh, yes. I know it is!
0:54:35 > 0:54:39Oh, the paper! Th... Thank you very much.
0:54:45 > 0:54:48What's this? "Well-known surgeon saved!"
0:54:48 > 0:54:52"Mr Frederick Carver, eminent British surgeon,
0:54:52 > 0:54:54"boarding a plane for England.
0:54:54 > 0:55:02"Mr Carver was a survivor of the Bella Vista which floundered in a hurricane off the Beatific Isles."
0:55:15 > 0:55:17Keep the change.
0:55:22 > 0:55:25Mr Carver, sir!
0:55:25 > 0:55:28Welcome back! You're looking so well.
0:55:28 > 0:55:32Never mind that! Where's Dr Nookey? Where is he?
0:55:32 > 0:55:35- He's not been here. - What do you mean...?- Oh!
0:55:36 > 0:55:40Be off with you. There are no beds here for vagrants.
0:55:42 > 0:55:44Vagrants?! Who's that?
0:55:44 > 0:55:48- The new matron, sir. - What happened to Miss Soaper?
0:55:48 > 0:55:55- She left three months ago. - Why? What's going on? Where's Dr Stoppidge?
0:55:55 > 0:55:59He'll be in his... in YOUR office, sir.
0:55:59 > 0:56:02In MY office indeed?!
0:56:06 > 0:56:08Hello, sir. You're back!
0:56:08 > 0:56:14- Why are you lolling around my office?- They asked me to take over.
0:56:14 > 0:56:18- We didn't know if you were coming back.- I nearly didn't!
0:56:18 > 0:56:22I know! All those dusky beauties. Pretty hot stuff!
0:56:22 > 0:56:30I was three months on that wretched island. All of them in bed, trying to stop them scratching!
0:56:30 > 0:56:33I'd no idea they were so passionate.
0:56:33 > 0:56:38- They had chicken pox. So did I. - You must have had it before.
0:56:38 > 0:56:41I've never had it. Never had time to have it.
0:56:41 > 0:56:45When I got off the island, the boat sank!
0:56:45 > 0:56:49- How awful!- You know who's responsible - Nookey!
0:56:49 > 0:56:55He'll never practise medicine again! He won't get a job curing kippers!
0:56:55 > 0:56:59- Oh. Then, you haven't heard, sir. - Heard what?
0:56:59 > 0:57:02- He's on the way to making a fortune. - What?
0:57:02 > 0:57:06He's discovered a cure for chronic over-weight.
0:57:06 > 0:57:13- He couldn't discover a soft cushion to cure a boil on the backside! - It's been in all the papers.
0:57:13 > 0:57:19- Fancy consulting rooms, country clinic... - Where'd he get the money from?
0:57:19 > 0:57:25- He's gone into partnership with the wealthy widow, Mrs Moore.- Oh, no!
0:57:25 > 0:57:30I'm afraid so, sir. There's a picture of their new clinic there.
0:57:30 > 0:57:34That's the place she was going to buy for ME!
0:57:36 > 0:57:39He must be making a fortune!
0:57:39 > 0:57:43Gladstone, we'll have to get in on this!
0:57:44 > 0:57:46Saturday! Oi!
0:57:49 > 0:57:51Yes, dear? Did you call?
0:57:51 > 0:57:55Yes. I'm taking a trip. That's nice.
0:57:55 > 0:57:59Would you like me to come? No. You have a rest.
0:58:11 > 0:58:14"Come unto us all you who are heavy laden."
0:58:14 > 0:58:15Eugh!
0:58:18 > 0:58:24In our first three months, we've cleared ten thousand!
0:58:24 > 0:58:28So that's what they mean by living off the fat of the land!
0:58:28 > 0:58:32Jim, I'm so glad you came to me with this.
0:58:32 > 0:58:35It was fated - us to get together.
0:58:35 > 0:58:39Now, Helen, this is purely a business partnership.
0:58:39 > 0:58:42I MEAN business, believe me!
0:58:43 > 0:58:47- Yes, well...about these clinics. - I've decided.- Yes?
0:58:47 > 0:58:50- I WANT to have it off.- What?
0:58:50 > 0:58:58- I want to have the cure.- Oh, that! How about next Monday? The stuff should have arrived by then.
0:58:58 > 0:59:05- What stuff?- Oh, I use certain things in my serum that I have to order from abroad.
0:59:05 > 0:59:07- And they haven't come?- No.
0:59:07 > 0:59:11- I've sent a cable. ..Come in! - KNOCK KNOCK
0:59:13 > 0:59:17- Doctor. Mr Carver's here. - Hello. This looks like trouble.
0:59:17 > 0:59:22When he saw I was here, he practically blew his top!
0:59:22 > 0:59:27- You're not afraid of Frederick? - Me? Ha ha! Yes!- Why?
0:59:27 > 0:59:30It was my fault he went to Devil's Island.
0:59:30 > 0:59:34Leave it to me. It just needs tact and understanding.
0:59:37 > 0:59:41Well! Well! Well! Talk about bad pennies turning up!
0:59:41 > 0:59:45Traitress! Jezebel! Viper in my bosom!
0:59:45 > 0:59:49We'll have none of that filthy talk here!
0:59:49 > 0:59:56What have you done to me? This was to be my dream - a temple dedicated to advanced surgery.
0:59:56 > 0:59:59You turned it into a lard-removing factory.
0:59:59 > 1:00:03How dare you say that? Jim's doing wonderful work.
1:00:03 > 1:00:07Oh! It's "Jim" now, is it? Oh!
1:00:07 > 1:00:12So he's after you, too! He's even madder than I thought!
1:00:12 > 1:00:18Dr Nookey and I enjoy a business relationship - HE enjoys it. I can't say I do.
1:00:18 > 1:00:22I'm going to expose him for the fake that he is.
1:00:22 > 1:00:28You're always exposing something. And you haven't even seen what he's doing.
1:00:28 > 1:00:33I don't need to. I've seen enough. "All you who are heavy laden!"
1:00:33 > 1:00:38- Disgusting!- Do you want to see around?- Well, now that I'm here.
1:00:38 > 1:00:41- Right. The befores first.- What?
1:00:41 > 1:00:44The clinic is divided into two sections.
1:00:44 > 1:00:47Before...and after.
1:00:47 > 1:00:51Good grief! It gets worse and worse.
1:00:58 > 1:01:04- If he asks, tell him I've gone to town for a year or two!- Yes, Doctor.
1:01:09 > 1:01:11Dr Nookey!
1:01:11 > 1:01:17- I wanted a word with you. - I know what a mess I got you into with the mission...
1:01:17 > 1:01:22Don't worry. It was entirely my fault for sending you out there.
1:01:22 > 1:01:24A waste of a valuable talent.
1:01:24 > 1:01:27- Eh?- You're doing a wonderful job.
1:01:27 > 1:01:31Excellent results. How do you actually do it?
1:01:31 > 1:01:34It's just an injection - a serum, sir.
1:01:34 > 1:01:37A serum? Really? What's in it?
1:01:37 > 1:01:44- A hundred guineas a week! - I didn't mean that...? A hundred guineas? That is interesting!
1:01:44 > 1:01:47Naturally, the formula is a secret.
1:01:47 > 1:01:52Naturally! You don't want every Tom, Dick and Harry cashing in on it!
1:01:52 > 1:01:57Just a select few members of the medical profession!
1:01:57 > 1:02:02- We don't need any more partners, if that's what you mean.- Of course not.
1:02:02 > 1:02:07I'll be getting on. Carry on the good work. You have my full support.
1:02:09 > 1:02:12- What's up with him? - You mean, what's HE up to?
1:02:12 > 1:02:16He must have picked it up in the Beatific Islands.
1:02:16 > 1:02:20"Natural Diseases And Their Remedies".
1:02:20 > 1:02:25"Ancient Tribal Medicine". "The Arts Of The Witch Doctor".
1:02:25 > 1:02:31Nookey goes out there an ignorant idiot and comes back a productive genius.
1:02:31 > 1:02:36- I must know his cure. - You need someone IN his clinic.
1:02:36 > 1:02:40- But who could I trust?- Me. - But he knows you.
1:02:40 > 1:02:44In any case, they're only taking women at the moment.
1:02:44 > 1:02:45Yes...
1:02:46 > 1:02:50Yes! He'd never suspect a woman, would he?
1:02:50 > 1:02:55No. Of course he wouldn't. But who could be the woman? Ha ha ha!
1:03:01 > 1:03:04- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK - Come in.
1:03:05 > 1:03:09Oh, Doctor. Miss Madder has arrived. She's in her room.
1:03:09 > 1:03:14- Madder?- Melody Madder. - Oh! The film star from Italy!
1:03:14 > 1:03:16Get the scales ready, Matron.
1:03:16 > 1:03:23- By the way, Mr Carver's bringing a Lady Puddleton for treatment. - We're full, Doctor.
1:03:23 > 1:03:28But I owe the old basket a favour. I'll try to talk them out of it.
1:03:28 > 1:03:35No-one will get treatment if Gladstone doesn't send some stuff soon. What the devil's he up to?
1:03:42 > 1:03:44Eight and six, guv. Eight and six?
1:03:44 > 1:03:49Hang on. Eight and six, that's about 33, ain't it?
1:03:56 > 1:03:59That's for you!
1:04:00 > 1:04:02'Ere! Wait a minute!
1:04:04 > 1:04:07- KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK - Come in.
1:04:07 > 1:04:10Doctor, Miss Madder's here.
1:04:10 > 1:04:13I'll be a moment. Please take your clothes off...
1:04:13 > 1:04:15Same old Jim!
1:04:16 > 1:04:18Goldie?
1:04:19 > 1:04:22- Goldie!- It's me all right.
1:04:22 > 1:04:27- Don't you like it?- Yes. Yes. I do. But, Melody Madder?
1:04:27 > 1:04:32That was the studio's idea. Still, it's better than Goldie Locks!
1:04:32 > 1:04:34But why didn't you tell me?
1:04:34 > 1:04:41I wasn't sure I wanted to see you again. Then the studio said I had to get weight off and here I am!
1:04:41 > 1:04:46You're joking! You think I'd sabotage that gorgeous figure?
1:04:46 > 1:04:50It may be gorgeous to you, but it's unfashionable.
1:04:50 > 1:04:55In case you hadn't noticed, the bone has replaced the boobs!
1:04:55 > 1:05:00You're not going to Italy. You're staying here with me.
1:05:00 > 1:05:04- No, I've waited too long for this! - And I've waited too long, too.
1:05:04 > 1:05:07Now... You stay away from me, Jim.
1:05:07 > 1:05:12- I don't want to.- You're not getting away from me again, Goldie!
1:05:31 > 1:05:34Do you MIND? As a matter of fact, I don't.
1:05:34 > 1:05:37Well, I DO. How about it, then?
1:05:37 > 1:05:41Who are you? Why are you here? Screwer - Gladstone Screwer.
1:05:41 > 1:05:45Gladstone...? Oh. Well, I'm the matron here.
1:05:45 > 1:05:48Miss Soaper. Soaper? I don't like that.
1:05:48 > 1:05:51I'll call you Sunday!
1:05:51 > 1:05:53Well, I won't be in.
1:05:53 > 1:05:57Dr Nookey's been worried about you. This way, please.
1:06:01 > 1:06:02Gladstone!
1:06:02 > 1:06:05That's a new one on me!
1:06:07 > 1:06:09W-w-what are you doing here?
1:06:11 > 1:06:15That's her! The flat one with a bit of here and there!
1:06:15 > 1:06:17Is that how you refer to me?
1:06:17 > 1:06:22No. I'll explain later. Matron, take Miss Madder to her room.
1:06:22 > 1:06:30- Gladstone, why haven't you sent the stuff this month?- Stuff? The stuff you were so clever to discover?
1:06:30 > 1:06:34That wasn't my idea. You know what newspapers are like.
1:06:34 > 1:06:38- Big pieces of paper with print all over.- Why didn't you send it?
1:06:38 > 1:06:43I thought I'd bring it, as it's making all that money!
1:06:43 > 1:06:49You brought it? Good old Gladstone! You didn't have to go to all that trouble.
1:06:49 > 1:06:55- No trouble! I enjoyed the trip.- And you'll want to enjoy the trip back.
1:06:55 > 1:07:00- No rush. I thought I'd stay a little. - No. You can't. You'd hate it!
1:07:00 > 1:07:04And I don't suppose you brought your wives with you.
1:07:04 > 1:07:09I've only got one left - Saturday. Miss Fosdick, old Carver's secretary.
1:07:09 > 1:07:14She got rid of the others. Said she wasn't going to queue up! Whisky?
1:07:14 > 1:07:18- No. This stuff. - Let's drink to our new partnership.
1:07:18 > 1:07:22- P-partnership? - That's when you split it all 50-50!
1:07:22 > 1:07:26I couldn't do that, Gladstone. I've got a partner already.
1:07:26 > 1:07:31But I could increase the payments! King size cigarettes?
1:07:31 > 1:07:36- Half the money and I'll buy me own smokes!- I can't do that, Gladstone.
1:07:36 > 1:07:41- I'm sure you'll agree.- You won't give me the stuff unless I do?
1:07:41 > 1:07:44No! I wouldn't do a rotten thing like that!
1:07:44 > 1:07:47Hang on. That's the one!
1:07:47 > 1:07:52- Thanks. But no partnership! Definitely!- We'll see tomorrow!
1:07:52 > 1:07:54It looks a bit thicker than usual.
1:07:54 > 1:07:57The gnats' milk can get a bit rich.
1:07:57 > 1:07:59- KNOCK KNOCK - Come in.
1:07:59 > 1:08:03Excuse me. Mr Carver's just driven up.
1:08:03 > 1:08:06Carver? I'd like to see him again!
1:08:06 > 1:08:12No. It's not the same Carver. It's another bloke. You just sit there.
1:08:12 > 1:08:13WHISPERS
1:08:16 > 1:08:21Matron wondered if you'd like to go to her room with her.
1:08:21 > 1:08:25- All right. I'll just finish me drink. - She can't wait -
1:08:25 > 1:08:27for you to finish it.
1:08:31 > 1:08:34This way. Down the corridor. Please hurry!
1:08:34 > 1:08:37Swinging Britain? This is ridiculous!
1:08:37 > 1:08:41- Keep him here till Carver's gone. - Yes. This way.
1:08:43 > 1:08:47- It's you, sir. Do come in.- I have a rather important patient for you.
1:08:47 > 1:08:50Lady Puddleton, don't be shy.
1:08:50 > 1:08:55I'd be very grateful if you took her on. She's very distinguished.
1:08:55 > 1:09:00- This is Dr Nookey, my dear. - How do you do?- Oh, hello!
1:09:00 > 1:09:06- You can see Her Ladyship's trouble - top heavy. - The top is heavy.- It is heavy.
1:09:06 > 1:09:09It gets in the way of her horse's head.
1:09:09 > 1:09:15Can't see where you're going! I hope you'll start treatment right away.
1:09:15 > 1:09:19We're full at the moment. Do you mind sharing?
1:09:19 > 1:09:22Oh, no. As long as it's with another man.
1:09:23 > 1:09:27- Pardon?- Your ladyship! You can't do that here!
1:09:27 > 1:09:29You know these country folk!
1:09:29 > 1:09:36Off the horse and on the job! I'll leave you with Dr Nookey! Thank you.
1:09:36 > 1:09:38- Good luck, Lady Puddleton.- Wait!
1:09:39 > 1:09:41I can't share a room!
1:09:41 > 1:09:48- Undressing!- She'll have nothing to surprise YOU. - I'll have something to surprise HER.
1:09:48 > 1:09:51Anyway, I'll come back later to see you.
1:09:51 > 1:09:56- And we can leave together if you've already had it.- Had it?
1:09:56 > 1:09:58- Had what?- The treatment, you fool.
1:09:58 > 1:10:03Don't worry, my dear. Dr Nookey will take care of you.
1:10:03 > 1:10:07- Of course. She'll be all right with me.- Thank you.
1:10:07 > 1:10:12- You must try to relax, Lady Puddleton. I guarantee...- Doctor!
1:10:12 > 1:10:16Doctor Nookey! I must talk to you at once!
1:10:16 > 1:10:19Very well, Matron. In my office, please.
1:10:19 > 1:10:24- Excuse me, Lady Puddleton. I won't be moment. Sit here.- Thank you.
1:10:24 > 1:10:26CREAKING
1:10:27 > 1:10:29CREAKING
1:10:29 > 1:10:32Don't wait, Doctor. I'm quite all right.
1:10:37 > 1:10:39CREAKING
1:10:46 > 1:10:54- Funny woman. Well, Matron, what's your problem?- I cannot stay with that man any longer!
1:10:54 > 1:11:01- Well, Carver's gone now. What happened?- I'd rather not say. All he thinks about is whisky and sex.
1:11:01 > 1:11:06- On his island, you can't get soda! - That's not funny, Doctor.
1:11:06 > 1:11:11- He shouldn't be here with all these women.- I aim to get rid of him soon.
1:11:11 > 1:11:14- But something worries me more. - Yes, Doctor?
1:11:14 > 1:11:19That Lady Puddleton. There is something very peculiar about her.
1:11:41 > 1:11:44It's old Stoppidge! I'll be damned!
1:11:44 > 1:11:48- So that's what they're up to. - Fancy Mr Carver doing that.
1:11:48 > 1:11:52- You'll get rid of him at once!- Yes. No!- No.
1:11:52 > 1:11:57He came for the treatment. And he's gonna get it - the full treatment.
1:11:57 > 1:12:01We'll teach him and Gladstone a lesson they'll never forget!
1:12:06 > 1:12:09- There you are, Gladstone! - Hello, doc.
1:12:09 > 1:12:11Hello, nurse.
1:12:11 > 1:12:17We're full up at the moment. But Matron says that you can sleep in her room tonight.
1:12:17 > 1:12:22That's real hospitality. I am moving in with Nurse Trumper!
1:12:24 > 1:12:30- What's she? Frigid? - The women over here aren't quite so uninhibited, Gladstone!
1:12:30 > 1:12:37- What about this submissive society? - There is one women here who definitely fancies you.
1:12:37 > 1:12:41- Only one?- This will be enough. Her name's Lady Puddleton.
1:12:41 > 1:12:47- Tallish woman. Thin faced. Glasses. - I've seen her. The one with the big...
1:12:47 > 1:12:51That's him - her! Not much to look at, mind.
1:12:51 > 1:12:55We don't bother about looks - our nights are very dark!
1:12:55 > 1:12:58Lady Puddleton, have you met Mrs Moore?
1:12:58 > 1:13:02How do you do? You'll be sharing her room.
1:13:02 > 1:13:07- We have a mutual friend, Lady Puddleton. Mr Carver.- Indeed.
1:13:07 > 1:13:11Such a charming man. Have you known him long?
1:13:11 > 1:13:15Rather! We roomed together at medical school.
1:13:16 > 1:13:21Good evening, ladies. I'm pleased to say your big moment has arrived.
1:13:21 > 1:13:29As soon as you're all in bed, I shall be round to give you your first injection. Off you go, ladies.
1:13:34 > 1:13:38Except Miss Madder and Lady Puddleton.
1:13:38 > 1:13:41Jim, I'm definitely having that treatment!
1:13:41 > 1:13:46- Of course. It's just that you have yet to be weighed.- Oh.
1:13:46 > 1:13:52- That's all right. - If you both go with Matron and do it now - stripped, of course.
1:13:53 > 1:13:58- Lady Puddleton.- I can't undress in front of other people.
1:13:58 > 1:14:01- Why not?- You see, I've got rather...
1:14:01 > 1:14:05- WHISPERS - You have, haven't you?
1:14:05 > 1:14:10Nobody's going to look. After all, it's all girls together, eh?
1:14:10 > 1:14:12Come on!
1:14:12 > 1:14:14Your tyres are a bit flat...
1:14:14 > 1:14:18Have you met Mr Screwer, Lady Puddleton?
1:14:18 > 1:14:22How do you do? See you later in Matron's room!
1:14:22 > 1:14:25- Come on, Lady Puddleton. - I'm going to bed.
1:14:25 > 1:14:28Do what the doctor says. I can wait!
1:14:30 > 1:14:33- In you go, Lady Puddleton. - I'd much rather...
1:14:40 > 1:14:41Argh!
1:14:45 > 1:14:47Blimey! She can't wait!
1:14:52 > 1:14:55Good evening. Don't worry, just a little prick!
1:15:02 > 1:15:08Oh, what a pretty nightdress, your ladyship! I always sleep in the raw.
1:15:09 > 1:15:13My husband preferred it. He was an active man.
1:15:15 > 1:15:19Oh! I wonder if you'd mind unhooking this for me.
1:15:27 > 1:15:32Thank you so much. We shan't be needing these things much longer!
1:15:38 > 1:15:41KNOCK KNOCK Come in.
1:15:41 > 1:15:44Well! How are we getting on, then?
1:15:44 > 1:15:47Like a house on fire!
1:15:47 > 1:15:52I'll bet you two girls have plenty to talk about. Who's first?
1:15:52 > 1:15:56- Me! Where do you have it? - Face down on the bed.- Oh, there!
1:16:03 > 1:16:05Right, hold still now.
1:16:13 > 1:16:16Now, it's your turn, Lady Puddleton.
1:16:17 > 1:16:19Thank you, Matron.
1:16:21 > 1:16:22No!
1:16:22 > 1:16:25No. I can't have it there.
1:16:25 > 1:16:29We put it where it won't be seen, your ladyship.
1:16:29 > 1:16:33I'll have it in my arm. I keep that well covered!
1:16:33 > 1:16:35Very well. If you wish.
1:16:35 > 1:16:37Might I know what is in your serum?
1:16:37 > 1:16:44Certainly! There's banyan tree juice, powdered parrot droppings and gnats' milk.
1:16:48 > 1:16:51Of course, the proportions are a secret!
1:16:51 > 1:16:53Good night, ladies. Sleep tight.
1:16:58 > 1:17:03I'd love to watch those two for the rest of the night. Is that all?
1:17:03 > 1:17:08- Only Miss Madder left, Doctor.- I'll see to her, Matron.- Yes, Doctor.
1:17:09 > 1:17:12- Good night, Doctor.- And you, Matron.
1:17:14 > 1:17:17KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK Come in.
1:17:22 > 1:17:26- Good evening, Miss Madder. - Good evening, Doctor.
1:17:26 > 1:17:32- Time for your injection. If you still want it!- There's nothing else I'd rather have.
1:17:32 > 1:17:35Right. Turn over, please.
1:17:41 > 1:17:44I'll need your nightie pulled up.
1:17:44 > 1:17:49- Go ahead. I'm sure you've had plenty of practice doing that.- All right.
1:17:54 > 1:17:58- Are you absolutely sure you want me to...?- Absolutely!
1:17:58 > 1:18:00All right, then.
1:18:06 > 1:18:09Good night and good luck.
1:18:25 > 1:18:27KNOCK KNOCK
1:18:27 > 1:18:30Come right in, darling. Everything's re...
1:18:31 > 1:18:34Oh. It's you. I'm sorry to disappoint you.
1:18:34 > 1:18:36I require some night clothes.
1:18:36 > 1:18:41Help yourself. You don't have to move out. It's a big bed.
1:18:41 > 1:18:45As I said earlier, I'm not your sort of woman.
1:18:45 > 1:18:47I'd marry you first!
1:18:47 > 1:18:50Marry me in the middle of the night?
1:18:50 > 1:18:53Well, it's a very simple ceremony.
1:18:53 > 1:18:58Just cut our left hands, put them together, say "we are one" and it's legal!
1:18:58 > 1:19:04- I see. Sort of instant wedlock! - We call it a bleeding ceremony.
1:19:04 > 1:19:07They often call it that here, too.
1:19:07 > 1:19:09You ready then? No!
1:19:09 > 1:19:12I have no urge to marry you.
1:19:12 > 1:19:15Don't worry! The urge comes later!
1:19:15 > 1:19:18No. Thank you, but no!
1:19:18 > 1:19:22You'll feel different when I'm a partner here.
1:19:22 > 1:19:27Fortunately, that is something you will never be, Mr Screwer.
1:19:27 > 1:19:28No?
1:19:32 > 1:19:35I wouldn't be too sure about that!
1:19:36 > 1:19:39There! Oh, that's better.
1:19:40 > 1:19:44I wonder if you'd mind rubbing some talc on my back?
1:19:50 > 1:19:52I'm ready.
1:20:04 > 1:20:08- Oh, sir. Thank goodness you're here. - What's happened?- Nothing yet.
1:20:08 > 1:20:13- Have you had it?- Up to the neck! - The treatment!- I've had the lot!
1:20:13 > 1:20:17- DOOR SLAMS - Quick! In here!
1:20:20 > 1:20:23- Well, what is it?- It's an injection.
1:20:23 > 1:20:27- Do you know what's in it? - Yes. He told me.
1:20:27 > 1:20:34- Marvellous! What is it?- Let's see... Banyan tree juice, powdered parrots' milk and gnats' droppings.
1:20:34 > 1:20:39- What?- Or the other way round. - You sure?- That's what he told me!
1:20:39 > 1:20:43You fool! He was having you on. I'll show him.
1:20:43 > 1:20:47Next time you have an injection, pinch some of the stuff.
1:20:47 > 1:20:51No! There won't be a next time. I'm not staying here!
1:20:51 > 1:20:56- But you must.- I can't. It's bad enough having to sleep with a woman!
1:20:56 > 1:21:03- But there's a horrible man chasing me too.- What man in his right mind would do that?- Do you mind?
1:21:03 > 1:21:07- He invited me to his room tonight. - What's his name?
1:21:07 > 1:21:12- Oh, it's Gladstone or something. - Gladstone?
1:21:12 > 1:21:16- It's all making sense. - Not to me, it isn't.
1:21:16 > 1:21:20Marvellous! And he wants you to go to his room tonight?
1:21:20 > 1:21:23- Yes.- Well, off you go.- All right.
1:21:29 > 1:21:31Go on! I'll be just out here!
1:21:31 > 1:21:33Who is it?
1:21:41 > 1:21:44Well, I'd almost given you up!
1:21:44 > 1:21:49- I can't stay very long. - As long as it's long enough!
1:21:49 > 1:21:52- I feel weak from the injection. - Lie down on the bed.
1:21:52 > 1:21:56- What's in it.- The bed? - No! The injection!
1:21:56 > 1:22:00- Who cares?- I bet a clever man like you knows.- Maybe.
1:22:00 > 1:22:01Do tell!
1:22:01 > 1:22:04I'll have to know you better first.
1:22:04 > 1:22:07- What are you doing?- Getting married! - What?
1:22:07 > 1:22:11- Just a quick slash! - I don't want...to get married!
1:22:11 > 1:22:15Suit yourself. Don't complain to me afterwards!
1:22:15 > 1:22:17You mustn't. Stop it!
1:22:19 > 1:22:21Cheeky! Come here!
1:22:22 > 1:22:24Ah! Ha! Ha!
1:22:24 > 1:22:26Hello?
1:22:30 > 1:22:32Oh, blimey! It couldn't have been!
1:22:32 > 1:22:35It was! Doctor Nookey! Doc!
1:22:35 > 1:22:37Doctor Nookey!
1:22:37 > 1:22:40Doctor Nookey! Doctor Nookey, where are ya?
1:22:41 > 1:22:43Let's get out of here.
1:22:45 > 1:22:46Doctor!
1:22:46 > 1:22:48No good! In here!
1:22:51 > 1:22:54All right. All right. What's wrong?
1:22:54 > 1:22:57- That woman!- Lady Puddleton. - She's a fella.
1:22:57 > 1:23:05- I know. How did you find out? - I'd hate to tell ya.- Where is she? - Through there.- Let's have a talk.
1:23:09 > 1:23:12Look! The serum! Just what we've been looking for.
1:23:12 > 1:23:14- Serum?- Yeah.
1:23:14 > 1:23:19- Well, what's in it?- Search me. It might as well be gnats' milk.
1:23:19 > 1:23:22- You've done analysis.- Yes.
1:23:22 > 1:23:26- Put some on your tongue, man. Taste it.- Oh.
1:23:28 > 1:23:30A-ha!
1:23:42 > 1:23:44So that's your game!
1:23:44 > 1:23:51- I'll trouble you for that bottle! - No. The medical council will be interested in this.
1:23:51 > 1:23:55- Dr Nookey's brilliant discovery(!) - Can't we talk this over?
1:23:55 > 1:24:02- No! Unless you're offering me a partnership.- I've got a partner! - I've got the stuff!
1:24:02 > 1:24:05Oh, no, you haven't, mate. I have.
1:24:05 > 1:24:08It isn't the weight-reducing serum?
1:24:08 > 1:24:13- No. That stuff does something very queer.- What does it do?
1:24:13 > 1:24:17SCREAMING You're just about to find out!
1:24:29 > 1:24:31- A sex change?- Good gracious!
1:24:44 > 1:24:47EVERYONE: Bye-bye! Bye-bye!
1:24:47 > 1:24:50How about a kiss, Mrs Nookey?
1:24:52 > 1:24:54Ooh! You didn't shave this morning.
1:24:54 > 1:24:57Don't worry! I will before tonight!
1:24:59 > 1:25:02Subtitles by BBC Subtitling - 1997