Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

0:00:02 > 0:00:07This film contains strong language.

0:00:13 > 0:00:15I wouldn't want to live his life,

0:00:15 > 0:00:17cos he hasn't been happy all of his life.

0:00:17 > 0:00:20All I think is, if you can find work, stay healthy,

0:00:20 > 0:00:21find somebody to share it with,

0:00:21 > 0:00:23you're the ultimate success.

0:00:23 > 0:00:25He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle,

0:00:25 > 0:00:26but not all of them.

0:00:27 > 0:00:30BURGER: "I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear..."

0:00:30 > 0:00:33REAGAN: I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear...

0:00:33 > 0:00:35"..that I will faithfully execute the Office

0:00:35 > 0:00:36"of President of the United States."

0:00:36 > 0:00:38That I will faithfully execute the office...

0:00:38 > 0:00:41TONE BLARES

0:00:43 > 0:00:45CARTOON MUSIC PLAYS

0:00:46 > 0:00:51'When you're young, your potential is infinite.

0:00:51 > 0:00:54'You might do anything, really.

0:00:54 > 0:00:56'You might be Einstein.

0:00:56 > 0:00:58'You might be Di Maggio.

0:01:00 > 0:01:02'Then you get to an age when what you might be

0:01:02 > 0:01:04'gives way to what you have been.

0:01:04 > 0:01:06'You weren't Einstein.

0:01:06 > 0:01:09'You weren't anything.

0:01:10 > 0:01:12'That's a bad moment.'

0:01:23 > 0:01:25KNOCK ON DOOR

0:01:30 > 0:01:33Chuck, it's Pen.

0:01:35 > 0:01:39CHUCK: Hey! Jesus. How'd you find me?

0:01:39 > 0:01:40You wrote me your last letter

0:01:40 > 0:01:41on hotel stationery.

0:01:41 > 0:01:45Oh. Uh, it's great to see you, Pen.

0:01:45 > 0:01:48You look...you look beautiful.

0:01:48 > 0:01:50This place is scary.

0:01:50 > 0:01:54Yeah. The human... the human psyche.

0:01:54 > 0:01:57I came to take you back to California with me.

0:01:57 > 0:01:59Uh, no.

0:01:59 > 0:02:02It's a lonely state without you.

0:02:02 > 0:02:03I'm home, Red.

0:02:11 > 0:02:15I can't wait forever for you to marry me.

0:02:15 > 0:02:17Well, apparently, I can,

0:02:17 > 0:02:21But I really don't want to.

0:02:28 > 0:02:30PENNY: I love you so much.

0:02:35 > 0:02:39PENNY: You don't understand.

0:02:39 > 0:02:40PENNY: I don't even know why.

0:02:40 > 0:02:43Oh, Penny.

0:02:43 > 0:02:46Penny, Penny, Penny. HE LAUGHS

0:02:53 > 0:02:56SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

0:02:56 > 0:02:58PEEPHOLE CLOSES

0:03:03 > 0:03:05BARRIS: Listen, I gotta go, OK?

0:03:05 > 0:03:07BARRIS: I'm kind of busy right now, OK?

0:03:08 > 0:03:11'It was 1981,

0:03:11 > 0:03:15'and I had holed myself up in this New York hotel,

0:03:15 > 0:03:16'the Phoenix Hotel,

0:03:16 > 0:03:20'terrified of everything, ashamed of my life...

0:03:24 > 0:03:27'..until, finally, I realized my salvation

0:03:27 > 0:03:30'might be in recording my wasted life unflinchingly.

0:03:31 > 0:03:35'Maybe it would serve as a cautionary tale.

0:03:35 > 0:03:39'And maybe it would help me understand why.

0:03:39 > 0:03:42'When I was 11, I had an experience

0:03:42 > 0:03:44'with my sister's friend, Tuvia,

0:03:44 > 0:03:46'that left an indelible impression.'

0:03:46 > 0:03:48Hey. What?

0:03:48 > 0:03:49Tuvia. What?!

0:03:49 > 0:03:51You want to lick it?

0:03:51 > 0:03:54No. Why should I?

0:03:54 > 0:03:57Well, for one thing, it tastes like strawberry.

0:03:57 > 0:03:59My sister tells me you love strawberries.

0:03:59 > 0:04:01Yeah, well, I hate strawberries.

0:04:01 > 0:04:03No, I'm serious.

0:04:03 > 0:04:05It tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop.

0:04:05 > 0:04:06Look, I know that's not true.

0:04:06 > 0:04:07Well, I bet you it does.

0:04:07 > 0:04:09I bet you it doesn't.

0:04:09 > 0:04:11I'll bet you a dollar.

0:04:13 > 0:04:17BARRIS: Tuvia...my first love.

0:04:18 > 0:04:21Perhaps my whole life turned at that point.

0:04:21 > 0:04:23The repulsiveness of my sex confirmed

0:04:23 > 0:04:27by the taste buds of a ripening pubescent girl.

0:04:27 > 0:04:29What are you doing?

0:04:29 > 0:04:30Get off me!

0:04:30 > 0:04:31'And so I found myself

0:04:31 > 0:04:34'in a downward spiral of debauchery.

0:04:34 > 0:04:36'Endlessly chasing pussy.'

0:04:36 > 0:04:38DOO WOP MUSIC PLAYS

0:04:40 > 0:04:43'My only focus in life to get laid, to get blown,

0:04:43 > 0:04:45'trying to fool myself into believing

0:04:45 > 0:04:46'that given the right combination

0:04:46 > 0:04:47'of circumstances and deception,

0:04:47 > 0:04:49'maybe the Tuvias of the world

0:04:49 > 0:04:52'could desire me the way I desired them.

0:04:53 > 0:04:56'I only wanted to be loved.'

0:05:02 > 0:05:04No... SHE SOBS

0:05:04 > 0:05:07# Won't you tell me why

0:05:07 > 0:05:09# I love... #

0:05:09 > 0:05:10ZIPS PANTS

0:05:10 > 0:05:12# That girly so

0:05:13 > 0:05:17# She doesn't want me... #

0:05:17 > 0:05:20BARRIS: The constant inarticulate rage

0:05:20 > 0:05:23led to bar fight after bar fight.

0:05:31 > 0:05:33TV ANNOUNCER: New York is a city of people,

0:05:33 > 0:05:34the only state in the union to stretch

0:05:34 > 0:05:37from the Atlantic Ocean to the great lakes.

0:05:37 > 0:05:40Directly across the avenue is... you're right again.

0:05:40 > 0:05:41BARRIS: I had heard that television

0:05:41 > 0:05:43was an industry with a future,

0:05:43 > 0:05:46so I packed up and moved from Philly to Manhattan.

0:05:46 > 0:05:47NBC THEME PLAYS

0:05:47 > 0:05:49TOUR GUIDE: We began making commercial broadcasts

0:05:49 > 0:05:51in 1941,

0:05:51 > 0:05:52and in 1953,

0:05:52 > 0:05:56NBC made the first ever colour telecast by a network

0:05:56 > 0:05:57during the Colgate comedy hour.

0:05:57 > 0:05:59Now we'll have a look at the studio

0:05:59 > 0:06:01where they produce The Today Show,

0:06:01 > 0:06:05which NBC began broadcasting in 1952.

0:06:05 > 0:06:06Excuse me, miss. Do you know where

0:06:06 > 0:06:08I could apply for an NBC page?

0:06:08 > 0:06:10TOUR GUIDE: ..Such as The Perry Como Show,

0:06:10 > 0:06:13which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7.30.

0:06:13 > 0:06:15The Nat King Cole Show,

0:06:15 > 0:06:16which you won't want to miss,

0:06:16 > 0:06:17on Tuesdays at 8pm

0:06:17 > 0:06:19And hold on one second.

0:06:21 > 0:06:22OK.

0:06:22 > 0:06:24And my personal favourite,

0:06:24 > 0:06:26The Lux Show starring Rosemary Clooney...

0:06:26 > 0:06:28..Which you can enjoy every Thursday at 10.00.

0:06:28 > 0:06:30And of course, The Steve Allen Show,

0:06:30 > 0:06:32which delights us every Sunday at 8.00.

0:06:32 > 0:06:34You may also be interested to know that Steve Allen

0:06:34 > 0:06:36actually got his start in entertainment

0:06:36 > 0:06:37as an NBC page.

0:06:37 > 0:06:38Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me...

0:06:38 > 0:06:40WOMAN: Raymond in accounting?

0:06:40 > 0:06:42He's kind of cute, huh?

0:06:42 > 0:06:44Cute is all well and good, Mary-Ann,

0:06:44 > 0:06:48but what you want is a man who's going places -

0:06:48 > 0:06:51a go-getter on the management fast track.

0:06:51 > 0:06:53What about Mr Waters?

0:06:53 > 0:06:56Yeah, management training application, please, ma'am.

0:06:56 > 0:06:58How many people have applied for this so far?

0:06:58 > 0:07:00Let's see. Including you?

0:07:00 > 0:07:01About 2,000.

0:07:01 > 0:07:03For how many positions?

0:07:03 > 0:07:045.

0:07:06 > 0:07:07BELL DINGS

0:07:09 > 0:07:10Thanks, ma'am.

0:07:16 > 0:07:18'Sometimes, as a younger man,

0:07:18 > 0:07:20'I stretched the truth to get what I wanted.'

0:07:20 > 0:07:21WOMAN: Tell me again!

0:07:21 > 0:07:23BARRIS: Head of network sales at 30.

0:07:23 > 0:07:25Head of the entire network by 40!

0:07:25 > 0:07:28I love you, Mr Chuck Barris.

0:07:28 > 0:07:30Management trainee.

0:07:30 > 0:07:32MOANING

0:07:34 > 0:07:35'Life was sweet.'

0:07:35 > 0:07:36Uhh!

0:07:40 > 0:07:41'For a minute.'

0:07:41 > 0:07:43WOMAN ON TV: Everything's either madly exciting

0:07:43 > 0:07:46or madly interesting.

0:07:46 > 0:07:50I hope Sally never bothers herself with you.

0:07:52 > 0:07:54HE RUNS TAP

0:07:58 > 0:08:00I got fired today.

0:08:00 > 0:08:02Fired?

0:08:02 > 0:08:05Yeah, fired.

0:08:05 > 0:08:07Fired?

0:08:08 > 0:08:10What the fuck did you get fired for?

0:08:10 > 0:08:12BARRIS: I don't know. Efficiency cutbacks.

0:08:12 > 0:08:15Some bullshit. Look, it's gonna be fine.

0:08:18 > 0:08:21I'm pregnant.

0:08:26 > 0:08:29So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town.

0:08:29 > 0:08:31I intend to be important, you know?

0:08:31 > 0:08:34I can't be saddled with this.

0:08:34 > 0:08:35Phhhbbt!

0:08:35 > 0:08:39But then I remembered something Carlyle said.

0:08:39 > 0:08:44"Do the duty which lies nearest thee."

0:08:44 > 0:08:45So you see...

0:08:45 > 0:08:47Who's Carlyle?

0:08:49 > 0:08:51Dear God.

0:08:51 > 0:08:53Why do I even bother? HE LAUGHS

0:08:53 > 0:08:56Fuck you, you condescending prick.

0:08:58 > 0:08:59Pregnant?

0:09:00 > 0:09:02Yeah, pregnant.

0:09:02 > 0:09:04Fuck you.

0:09:04 > 0:09:05What the fuck did you get pregnant for?

0:09:05 > 0:09:06Fuck you.

0:09:06 > 0:09:08What do you mean, what the fuck

0:09:08 > 0:09:09did I get pregnant for?

0:09:09 > 0:09:11You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck!

0:09:11 > 0:09:13Well, fuck you! Fuck you.

0:09:13 > 0:09:14Fuckin'...

0:09:14 > 0:09:16Fuck you.

0:09:16 > 0:09:17Fuck!

0:09:17 > 0:09:19Fuck you.

0:09:22 > 0:09:24DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ON TV

0:09:27 > 0:09:29GEORGIA: Looks like I was just late.

0:09:35 > 0:09:37Oh, yes, we had a great time.

0:09:37 > 0:09:39The crew loved him

0:09:39 > 0:09:41and loved the show, you know?

0:09:41 > 0:09:42Because it was crazy.

0:09:42 > 0:09:45And we could do anything we wanted to. Sort of.

0:09:45 > 0:09:48And, uh, yeah, they liked him very much.

0:09:48 > 0:09:50He was a good guy.

0:09:50 > 0:09:51Even though he's a prick,

0:09:51 > 0:09:53he's a good guy, too.

0:09:53 > 0:09:55DICK CLARK: ..What is labelled a dream faculty -

0:09:55 > 0:09:57wouldn't school be wonderful

0:09:57 > 0:09:58if we had a faculty like this?

0:09:58 > 0:09:59You read it, all right?

0:09:59 > 0:10:01GIRL: Principal Sal Mineo,

0:10:01 > 0:10:02vice principal Tony Perkins...

0:10:02 > 0:10:04DICK CLARK: Couldn't you see going to a school

0:10:04 > 0:10:07where Sal Mineo is the principal?

0:10:07 > 0:10:09'By '61, I had become a minor suit at ABC.

0:10:09 > 0:10:11'It was during the music payola scandal,

0:10:11 > 0:10:14'so my job was to commute to Philly every day

0:10:14 > 0:10:16'to the American bandstand tapings

0:10:16 > 0:10:18'to keep an eye on Dick Clark.'

0:10:18 > 0:10:20One more lady's choice of the afternoon to go.

0:10:20 > 0:10:21Suppose we make it this one, OK?

0:10:23 > 0:10:24'On weekends,

0:10:24 > 0:10:26'I used to hang around amusement parks

0:10:26 > 0:10:29'because that's where the young girls were.

0:10:29 > 0:10:32'I wrote a song about my experiences.'

0:10:32 > 0:10:34# When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel... #

0:10:34 > 0:10:37'I got it to Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon

0:10:37 > 0:10:39through my friendship with Dick Clark.

0:10:39 > 0:10:41Dick really wanted to help me out.

0:10:41 > 0:10:42Hi.

0:10:42 > 0:10:45What? Hi.

0:10:45 > 0:10:46Oh.

0:10:46 > 0:10:48I wrote this song.

0:10:48 > 0:10:49Huh.

0:10:49 > 0:10:54It's number three on the pop charts. See?

0:10:54 > 0:10:55Uh-huh.

0:10:55 > 0:10:56Yeah.

0:10:58 > 0:11:00I believe there's a great future in television.

0:11:00 > 0:11:02Uh-huh?

0:11:02 > 0:11:03So I'm gonna take my royalties,

0:11:03 > 0:11:05and I'm gonna create a pilot.

0:11:05 > 0:11:08A pilot's what they call a test TV show.

0:11:08 > 0:11:10I work in TV.

0:11:10 > 0:11:11Yeah? What's your name?

0:11:11 > 0:11:12I'm Chuck. Debbie.

0:11:12 > 0:11:14Debbie.

0:11:14 > 0:11:15So, you live in Philly?

0:11:15 > 0:11:16No, I live in Manhattan.

0:11:16 > 0:11:18It's gonna be a game show.

0:11:18 > 0:11:20I believe there's a great future in game shows.

0:11:20 > 0:11:21Oh, that's good.

0:11:21 > 0:11:25Yeah. Everyone loves game shows, right?

0:11:25 > 0:11:26I don't know.

0:11:26 > 0:11:27Well, they do.

0:11:27 > 0:11:29Well, that's great, then.

0:11:29 > 0:11:31BARRIS LAUGHS I'm on my way.

0:11:43 > 0:11:45PENNY: Hello.

0:11:45 > 0:11:47Hi.

0:11:47 > 0:11:49HE BREATHES IN

0:11:49 > 0:11:53Uh...don't be alarmed. I'm here with Debbie.

0:11:53 > 0:11:54Yeah, I figured that.

0:11:54 > 0:11:56Hungry?

0:11:56 > 0:11:58Um, no, thanks.

0:11:58 > 0:11:59Thirsty?

0:11:59 > 0:12:02Sure, if you have a...

0:12:02 > 0:12:03beer or...

0:12:10 > 0:12:11So, how was sex with Debbie?

0:12:11 > 0:12:13I always wanted to know.

0:12:13 > 0:12:14It was good.

0:12:14 > 0:12:16Fine. Thanks for asking.

0:12:16 > 0:12:18No problem.

0:12:18 > 0:12:20I just got fucked by this drummer cat -

0:12:20 > 0:12:22a real righteous Negro hipster.

0:12:22 > 0:12:24Heh. Interesting.

0:12:24 > 0:12:26I'm into the brotherhood of man.

0:12:26 > 0:12:28I fucked an Oriental last week.

0:12:28 > 0:12:29What are you?

0:12:29 > 0:12:30Jew.

0:12:30 > 0:12:33I had one of those once, but he was Sephardic.

0:12:33 > 0:12:34You look Ashke-nazi.

0:12:34 > 0:12:36Ashkenazi.

0:12:36 > 0:12:37Right, Ashke-nazi.

0:12:37 > 0:12:40I haven't had one of those yet.

0:12:40 > 0:12:42You're romantic.

0:12:42 > 0:12:44Yeah. I just don't get into all the bullshit

0:12:44 > 0:12:45between cats and chicks.

0:12:45 > 0:12:47I know what you mean. You know what I mean?

0:12:47 > 0:12:48I know what you mean.

0:12:48 > 0:12:49Besides, you just give your heart to one cat,

0:12:49 > 0:12:51and, you know, you get hurt.

0:12:51 > 0:12:52Don't I know it?

0:12:56 > 0:12:59We could ball if you want.

0:13:00 > 0:13:02LAUGHTER

0:13:02 > 0:13:03Whoa!

0:13:04 > 0:13:05That would be good.

0:13:05 > 0:13:07Yeah, but...

0:13:07 > 0:13:09HE LAUGHS

0:13:09 > 0:13:11I'm kinda here with Debbie.

0:13:11 > 0:13:12It doesn't seem right.

0:13:12 > 0:13:13SHE LAUGHS

0:13:17 > 0:13:20That's true. I didn't think of that.

0:13:21 > 0:13:23Well, I'm gonna go to bed.

0:13:23 > 0:13:24It was nice meeting you.

0:13:24 > 0:13:26Hey, hey, what's... what's your name?

0:13:28 > 0:13:30I'm Penny.

0:13:30 > 0:13:32I'm Chuck.

0:13:32 > 0:13:33Chuck Barris. Yeah.

0:13:33 > 0:13:35Yeah, you wrote that Palisades song.

0:13:35 > 0:13:36I really like that song.

0:13:36 > 0:13:37Oh, thanks.

0:13:37 > 0:13:39Yeah, it's real sentimental bullshit.

0:13:39 > 0:13:41Oh, right.

0:13:47 > 0:13:50# Last night I took a walk after dark

0:13:50 > 0:13:52# A swingin' place called Palisades Park

0:13:52 > 0:13:56# To have some fun and see what I could see

0:13:56 > 0:13:58# That's where the girls are

0:13:58 > 0:14:00# I took a ride on the shoot-the-chute

0:14:00 > 0:14:03# That girl I sat beside was awful cute

0:14:03 > 0:14:07# After it stopped she was holding hands with me

0:14:07 > 0:14:10# My heart was flyin' up

0:14:10 > 0:14:12# Like a rocket ship

0:14:12 > 0:14:14# Down like a roller coaster

0:14:14 > 0:14:16# Back like a loop-the-loop

0:14:16 > 0:14:20# And around like a merry-go-round

0:14:20 > 0:14:23# We ate and ate at a hot dog stand

0:14:23 > 0:14:25# We danced around to a rockin' band

0:14:25 > 0:14:29# And when I could I gave that girl a hug

0:14:29 > 0:14:31# In the tunnel of love

0:14:31 > 0:14:33# You'll never know how great a kiss can feel

0:14:33 > 0:14:36# When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel

0:14:36 > 0:14:38# When I fell in love

0:14:38 > 0:14:41# Down at Palisades Park

0:14:41 > 0:14:43# Whoa-oh-oh-oh! #

0:14:43 > 0:14:45SCREAMING ON CINEMA SCREEN

0:14:50 > 0:14:52PENNY: Last night in my dream,

0:14:52 > 0:14:53this ape and I are sitting

0:14:53 > 0:14:55staring at each other,

0:14:55 > 0:14:57and it was, like, across time and evolution.

0:14:57 > 0:14:59And then he started talking,

0:14:59 > 0:15:01but in a language I didn't really understand.

0:15:01 > 0:15:02SHE LAUGHS

0:15:02 > 0:15:04Swiss, maybe.

0:15:04 > 0:15:07And then he turned into Perry Como -

0:15:07 > 0:15:09real square.

0:15:09 > 0:15:10What's wrong with you?

0:15:10 > 0:15:11Nothing.

0:15:11 > 0:15:12You know, just because we fucked

0:15:12 > 0:15:14doesn't mean there are strings now. It's OK.

0:15:14 > 0:15:15HE LAUGHS OK.

0:15:15 > 0:15:17I just wanted to tell you about my dream.

0:15:17 > 0:15:18Nothing more complicated than that.

0:15:18 > 0:15:20Don't panic.

0:15:20 > 0:15:21I'm just not used to all this...

0:15:21 > 0:15:23all this dating bullshit, you know?

0:15:23 > 0:15:24Now we're a couple. Now I'm obliged

0:15:24 > 0:15:26to give a shit what you say. Is that...?

0:15:26 > 0:15:27Don't worry.

0:15:27 > 0:15:29I'm not into those games, either.

0:15:29 > 0:15:32So anyway, the monkey turns into Perry Como,

0:15:32 > 0:15:33and I say...

0:15:33 > 0:15:35Holy fuck! What?

0:15:35 > 0:15:38Holy, holy fuck! You just gave me an idea...

0:15:38 > 0:15:40for a show. Fuck!

0:15:40 > 0:15:42A show about monkeys?

0:15:42 > 0:15:43No, about people.

0:15:43 > 0:15:46About sex, about romance,

0:15:46 > 0:15:49about the bullshit of dating.

0:15:49 > 0:15:51I call it The Dating Game,

0:15:51 > 0:15:54and that's what it's about, Mr Goldberg.

0:15:54 > 0:15:58A pretty girl asks three handsome guys -

0:15:58 > 0:16:00who she can't see - silly questions,

0:16:00 > 0:16:02and based on their answers,

0:16:02 > 0:16:06she picks one to date, and we pay for the date.

0:16:06 > 0:16:07That's it. That's the show.

0:16:12 > 0:16:14Aah!

0:16:14 > 0:16:15Aah! Aah!

0:16:15 > 0:16:18Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

0:16:18 > 0:16:19Hot damn!

0:16:19 > 0:16:20What, what, what?

0:16:20 > 0:16:21They bought it! Yeah!

0:16:21 > 0:16:23They bought it! They bought it!

0:16:23 > 0:16:25They're givin' me 7,500 fuckin' dollars

0:16:25 > 0:16:26to make a pilot!

0:16:26 > 0:16:28Yeah! We gotta go celebrate!

0:16:28 > 0:16:29Let's go roller skating!

0:16:29 > 0:16:30I can't! I got a date!

0:16:30 > 0:16:31Ok, cool. Will you call me after?

0:16:31 > 0:16:32OK! OK!

0:16:32 > 0:16:34OK. Bye! Mwah!

0:16:35 > 0:16:37UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

0:16:56 > 0:16:58MUSIC CONTINUES

0:17:24 > 0:17:26BARRIS: I figured I was in.

0:17:26 > 0:17:28All I had to do was get the pilot made...

0:17:29 > 0:17:31..and I'd be a millionaire.

0:17:31 > 0:17:34Everyone would love me.

0:17:34 > 0:17:36Was anyone ever so young?

0:17:37 > 0:17:39No. No.

0:17:39 > 0:17:40No. No.

0:17:40 > 0:17:41No.

0:17:41 > 0:17:43All right. Lose it.

0:17:43 > 0:17:45BARRIS: ABC didn't like The Dating Game.

0:17:45 > 0:17:48They did like a show called Hootenanny.

0:17:48 > 0:17:50Whoa, whoa, whoa. I like this one.

0:17:50 > 0:17:53Well, he-he led an amazingly long life.

0:17:53 > 0:17:54BARRIS: Hooten-fuckin'-nanny.

0:17:59 > 0:18:00What do they know?

0:18:00 > 0:18:02That's...that's long for a dog.

0:18:04 > 0:18:06I don't know. Probably about 70 to you and me.

0:18:11 > 0:18:13Uh-huh.

0:18:14 > 0:18:18It's nine years to every one of ours.

0:18:19 > 0:18:20PENNY LAUGHS

0:18:20 > 0:18:22RUSTLING

0:18:24 > 0:18:25Yeah.

0:18:25 > 0:18:26SHE LAUGHS

0:18:28 > 0:18:30Uh-huh.

0:18:30 > 0:18:32I'm sorry about your show.

0:18:32 > 0:18:34What?

0:18:34 > 0:18:36H-how long has he been dead?

0:18:36 > 0:18:38Jesus, Phoebe, that's...

0:18:38 > 0:18:39Yeah. No, I'll hold on.

0:18:39 > 0:18:41Is that your mom? My sister.

0:18:41 > 0:18:43Come here.

0:18:43 > 0:18:45Oh, yeah. I got you these.

0:18:45 > 0:18:46Listen, Pen, I'm not...

0:18:46 > 0:18:48And I want to tell you something.

0:18:48 > 0:18:49I talked to a psychic today.

0:18:49 > 0:18:51A what? A psychic.

0:18:51 > 0:18:54And she said that you are gonna be very successful.

0:18:54 > 0:18:55Oh, really?

0:18:55 > 0:18:56Very successful.

0:18:56 > 0:18:58Tarot cards?

0:18:58 > 0:19:00Tea leaves. Oh.

0:19:00 > 0:19:03Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it.

0:19:03 > 0:19:07Tuvia? No, why would I have seen her?

0:19:07 > 0:19:09She-she did?

0:19:09 > 0:19:10Who's Tuvia?

0:19:10 > 0:19:12To Manhattan?

0:19:12 > 0:19:13Who's Tuvia?

0:19:15 > 0:19:16Yeah.

0:19:19 > 0:19:20BARRIS: Uh-huh.

0:19:23 > 0:19:24Oh, your niece.

0:19:24 > 0:19:27Divorced? Really?

0:19:27 > 0:19:29I didn't know she got married.

0:19:30 > 0:19:31Yes?

0:19:33 > 0:19:35Hi, Tuvia.

0:19:38 > 0:19:41Well, if it isn't strawberry Dick Barris.

0:19:41 > 0:19:43What do you want? HE LAUGHS

0:19:43 > 0:19:45I'm back in town for a while,

0:19:45 > 0:19:46and I thought maybe...

0:19:46 > 0:19:48Jesus, you gotta be kidding.

0:19:48 > 0:19:49We could go out and get an ice cream cone.

0:19:49 > 0:19:51He's so convincing when he's... HE LAUGHS

0:19:51 > 0:19:53..when he's talkin' with you,

0:19:53 > 0:19:55he could convince you of anything, you know?

0:19:55 > 0:19:57He's one of the very few guys

0:19:57 > 0:19:59I'd like to have on my side...

0:19:59 > 0:20:01on my side in a street fight.

0:20:01 > 0:20:03You wanna fight, you big pile of shit?

0:20:04 > 0:20:06GRUNTING AND SHOUTING

0:20:15 > 0:20:17You're a pretty angry young fella.

0:20:17 > 0:20:19Can't fight worth a damn, though.

0:20:19 > 0:20:21Hey, screw off, queer.

0:20:21 > 0:20:22Don't think I haven't seen you watching me

0:20:22 > 0:20:24in that bar for a week now.

0:20:24 > 0:20:25Kind of a loner, I'd say.

0:20:25 > 0:20:28Fairly bright, a tad anti-social.

0:20:28 > 0:20:30Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch?

0:20:32 > 0:20:34Look, there's a schoolyard half a block down.

0:20:34 > 0:20:37Why don't you go trollin' there?

0:20:37 > 0:20:39I can teach you at least 30 different ways

0:20:39 > 0:20:41to kill a man with a single blow, Mr Barris.

0:20:41 > 0:20:43It might help in future bar fights.

0:20:43 > 0:20:45Just a thought.

0:20:45 > 0:20:47Oh, and there's money in it -

0:20:47 > 0:20:48good money.

0:20:49 > 0:20:52You know, I figure if I can keep afloat

0:20:52 > 0:20:54until I come up with the next game show idea,

0:20:54 > 0:20:56then all would be copacetic.

0:20:56 > 0:20:58That sounds great, Chuck.

0:20:58 > 0:21:00You know, I've never known

0:21:00 > 0:21:01a television producer before.

0:21:01 > 0:21:02I'm impressed.

0:21:02 > 0:21:04Yeah(!) OK.

0:21:04 > 0:21:06What's this money and a deal you were talking about?

0:21:06 > 0:21:09I work for a government agency.

0:21:09 > 0:21:11We're always looking for good, enthusiastic men

0:21:11 > 0:21:14to help us carry out our directives.

0:21:20 > 0:21:22What kind of work? What government agency?

0:21:24 > 0:21:26Problem-solving work.

0:21:26 > 0:21:28The office of diplomatic security.

0:21:28 > 0:21:31Office of what?

0:21:31 > 0:21:32I never heard of it.

0:21:32 > 0:21:34Is that the fuckin' CIA or something?

0:21:34 > 0:21:37HE LAUGHS

0:21:37 > 0:21:39Please be discreet, Mr Barris.

0:21:51 > 0:21:53(Jesus.)

0:21:53 > 0:21:55Is this the fuckin' CIA?

0:21:56 > 0:21:58Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy.

0:21:58 > 0:22:01Where do I sign up? Are you fuckin' with me?

0:22:01 > 0:22:02You're fuckin' with me, aren't you?

0:22:02 > 0:22:04Hardly.

0:22:04 > 0:22:06And you wouldn't be working for the company.

0:22:06 > 0:22:09You'd be an independent contract agent.

0:22:09 > 0:22:10Independent.

0:22:10 > 0:22:12No official tie to any agency.

0:22:13 > 0:22:15BARRIS GULPS Understand?

0:22:18 > 0:22:19Why me?

0:22:21 > 0:22:23Well, as you know, I've been watching you.

0:22:23 > 0:22:25For quite some time, actually.

0:22:25 > 0:22:27I've only let you know about it for the last week.

0:22:27 > 0:22:29I'm happy to report

0:22:29 > 0:22:32you fit our profile, Mr Barris.

0:22:32 > 0:22:34Are you interested in the work?

0:22:37 > 0:22:38Wh-What's the profile?

0:22:38 > 0:22:42Are you interested in the work, Mr Barris?

0:22:42 > 0:22:44Yeah, sure. I wanna be a secret agent.

0:22:44 > 0:22:46A contract agent, whatever.

0:22:46 > 0:22:48Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women.

0:22:48 > 0:22:51What we do is very serious, Mr Barris.

0:22:51 > 0:22:52It's essential in quelling

0:22:52 > 0:22:54the rise of communism

0:22:54 > 0:22:55and allowing democracy

0:22:55 > 0:22:56to get its rightful foothold

0:22:56 > 0:22:58around the globe.

0:22:58 > 0:23:00You understand?

0:23:02 > 0:23:04Uh...sure.

0:23:04 > 0:23:05Yeah, uh...

0:23:05 > 0:23:08Yeah, OK. That's good.

0:23:22 > 0:23:25INSTRUCTOR: There are several efficient methods

0:23:25 > 0:23:27for killing a man

0:23:27 > 0:23:29were you to find yourself without a weapon.

0:23:29 > 0:23:32The edge of your hand

0:23:32 > 0:23:34against your adversary's Adam's apple.

0:23:34 > 0:23:36This will crush his windpipe,

0:23:36 > 0:23:39causing strangulation...

0:23:39 > 0:23:40and death.

0:23:43 > 0:23:44Hyuhh!

0:23:44 > 0:23:47MAN ON GROUND GARGLES Shit!

0:23:49 > 0:23:51I need another volunteer.

0:23:53 > 0:23:55You're training me to be a killer.

0:23:55 > 0:23:58See, Chuck? I knew you were fairly bright.

0:23:58 > 0:23:59Look, I'm not killin' people.

0:23:59 > 0:24:01My future's in television.

0:24:01 > 0:24:03You're 32 years old,

0:24:03 > 0:24:04and you've achieved nothing.

0:24:04 > 0:24:07Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33.

0:24:07 > 0:24:08You better get crackin'.

0:24:08 > 0:24:10I have ideas for shows.

0:24:10 > 0:24:11Good. Why don't you spend

0:24:11 > 0:24:13another six months developing them

0:24:13 > 0:24:14while you're staring out the window

0:24:14 > 0:24:17waiting for Larry Goldberg to call?

0:24:17 > 0:24:18How do you know all this?

0:24:18 > 0:24:20I know everything about you, Chuck.

0:24:20 > 0:24:22I know which hand you jerk off with.

0:24:22 > 0:24:24Left.

0:24:24 > 0:24:25Leave in the morning, if you want.

0:24:25 > 0:24:27I'm here to tell you, this is honest work

0:24:27 > 0:24:28for good pay.

0:24:28 > 0:24:30You're making the world safer,

0:24:30 > 0:24:32and your country will be grateful.

0:24:33 > 0:24:36It'll toughen you up.

0:24:36 > 0:24:38W-w-wait a second.

0:24:38 > 0:24:40Hey, we gotta talk about this.

0:24:40 > 0:24:45'And there it was - my defining moment.

0:24:45 > 0:24:47'I wasn't just gonna work for the CIA,

0:24:47 > 0:24:50'I was gonna kill for them.

0:24:51 > 0:24:54'Call it patriotism.'

0:24:54 > 0:24:55GUNFIRE

0:24:55 > 0:24:57DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:25:33 > 0:25:35Glycerine is, of course,

0:25:35 > 0:25:38the best known nitrating agent.

0:25:38 > 0:25:43Keep in mind, though, that nitro...glycerine

0:25:43 > 0:25:45is extremely unstable.

0:25:47 > 0:25:49A slight tap...

0:25:49 > 0:25:53a one-degree change in temperature...

0:25:53 > 0:25:56and it'll blow up in your hands.

0:25:59 > 0:26:01So, let's mix us up a batch!

0:26:01 > 0:26:04Everybody take your 75-milliliter beaker

0:26:04 > 0:26:06and fill it up to the 13-milliliter level

0:26:06 > 0:26:09with red-hot fumin' nitric acid -

0:26:09 > 0:26:1198% concentration.

0:26:14 > 0:26:16The field phone -

0:26:16 > 0:26:19used as an instrument of interrogation...

0:26:19 > 0:26:20or torture.

0:26:22 > 0:26:23ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

0:26:25 > 0:26:28Attaching firmly to the genitalia.

0:26:28 > 0:26:30FIZZING AND POPPING

0:26:30 > 0:26:32Hey, Ivan!

0:26:32 > 0:26:35Are you now, or have you ever been

0:26:35 > 0:26:36a member of the Communist Party?

0:26:36 > 0:26:40What's your Aunt Tillie's recipe for vodka cookies?

0:26:40 > 0:26:42INSTRUCTOR LAUGHS

0:26:51 > 0:26:52All right, Jack.

0:26:52 > 0:26:54Take care, Lee.

0:27:14 > 0:27:16STARTS ENGINE

0:27:19 > 0:27:21I know a lot about him that you are not gonna know.

0:27:21 > 0:27:23I can't tell you.

0:27:23 > 0:27:24Yeah.

0:27:24 > 0:27:26I know some things about him

0:27:26 > 0:27:28that are very distressing,

0:27:28 > 0:27:30and, um...

0:27:30 > 0:27:33and you wouldn't want to know them about him.

0:27:33 > 0:27:36JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS

0:27:46 > 0:27:48BARRIS: So, what did this guy Renda do, anyway?

0:27:48 > 0:27:50It's your job to follow directives,

0:27:50 > 0:27:51not question their validity.

0:27:51 > 0:27:53BARRIS: Oh... Oh.

0:27:53 > 0:27:55Por favor, uh, senor...

0:27:55 > 0:27:56No hablo ingles.

0:27:56 > 0:27:58Ra-blah-blah los bloteros?

0:27:58 > 0:27:59MAN IN WHITE HAT MUTTERS

0:27:59 > 0:28:02Ra-blah-blah la minjares?

0:28:02 > 0:28:03Hermano, help me, please.

0:28:03 > 0:28:05Senor, no habla ingles.

0:28:05 > 0:28:06No, no, no, no.

0:28:06 > 0:28:08BENITEZ: Can I be of some assistance?

0:28:08 > 0:28:09JIM: He's a bad guy.

0:28:09 > 0:28:13He's one of the bad guys.

0:28:13 > 0:28:14Bad for the US, right, Jim?

0:28:14 > 0:28:16Not bad in an absolute sense,

0:28:16 > 0:28:17just bad for the US.

0:28:17 > 0:28:18Don't fuckin' dance with me.

0:28:18 > 0:28:21Renda's bad for the tea and biscuit company.

0:28:21 > 0:28:22He's bad for me personally.

0:28:22 > 0:28:25You work for me. Renda's bad for me.

0:28:25 > 0:28:27You're now officially a patriotic citizen

0:28:27 > 0:28:29of the United States of Jim Byrd.

0:28:29 > 0:28:30There's no backing out now.

0:28:30 > 0:28:32We've let you in on everything.

0:28:32 > 0:28:33You don't play, you don't leave.

0:28:33 > 0:28:34You understand that?

0:28:34 > 0:28:37You don't play, you don't leave.

0:28:40 > 0:28:42I like you. I do.

0:28:42 > 0:28:44And you're gonna do fine tomorrow,

0:28:44 > 0:28:46and we're gonna become good friends.

0:28:52 > 0:28:53You can have a nice little career,

0:28:53 > 0:28:56but you have to grow up. There's a war on.

0:29:03 > 0:29:04STARTS ENGINE

0:29:16 > 0:29:18INSECTS BUZZING

0:29:22 > 0:29:24"STAR SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS

0:29:37 > 0:29:39JIM: Beautiful country, isn't it?

0:29:39 > 0:29:40Yeah.

0:29:42 > 0:29:46You did us proud today, Chuck.

0:29:46 > 0:29:48Renda was a bad guy.

0:29:48 > 0:29:49He really was.

0:29:54 > 0:29:56VOMITING

0:29:58 > 0:29:59Chuck, is that you?

0:29:59 > 0:30:00Jesus Christ, Pen.

0:30:00 > 0:30:02You scared the shit out of me.

0:30:02 > 0:30:03Were you throwing up?

0:30:03 > 0:30:04What are you doing here?

0:30:04 > 0:30:05I've been crashing here for a while.

0:30:05 > 0:30:07I've been waiting for you. Where you been?

0:30:07 > 0:30:09Mexico. I was just on a little vacation.

0:30:09 > 0:30:11Oh, you didn't drink the water, did you?

0:30:11 > 0:30:12Y-Yeah.

0:30:12 > 0:30:13Oh, you're not supposed to.

0:30:13 > 0:30:15That's Montessori's Revenge.

0:30:15 > 0:30:16Uh, Montezuma's. Right.

0:30:16 > 0:30:18I mean, you can't even open your eyes or your mouth

0:30:18 > 0:30:20when you take a shower there.

0:30:20 > 0:30:22Why is our water so good, and their water is poisoned?

0:30:22 > 0:30:23It's in the same ocean.

0:30:23 > 0:30:25I don't know. I don't know.

0:30:25 > 0:30:26Oh.

0:30:26 > 0:30:28Huh.

0:30:28 > 0:30:30Um...

0:30:30 > 0:30:31I'm a hippie now.

0:30:31 > 0:30:32BOTH LAUGH

0:30:32 > 0:30:34Wow.

0:30:34 > 0:30:35I've been to San Francisco,

0:30:35 > 0:30:36And it's amazing there.

0:30:36 > 0:30:39SNAPS FINGERS Everybody loves everybody,

0:30:39 > 0:30:40and there's so many colours.

0:30:40 > 0:30:42And we're going to change the world.

0:30:44 > 0:30:46Will you come back there and be my old man with me?

0:30:46 > 0:30:47Ha ha! Uh...

0:30:47 > 0:30:49Well, not that old.

0:30:49 > 0:30:51Penny, I'm a little tired now, so maybe...

0:30:51 > 0:30:53Oh, wait, wait. I got to play you this song.

0:30:58 > 0:31:00MUSIC: "Sunshine Superman" by Donovan

0:31:18 > 0:31:21Penny. Penny, what did you do to my wall?

0:31:21 > 0:31:23Oh, some guy called -

0:31:23 > 0:31:25Gold Bird.

0:31:25 > 0:31:27Gold Bird. Larry Goldberg?

0:31:27 > 0:31:29You... You're kidding me!

0:31:29 > 0:31:33Hi. This is Chuck Barris returning for Larry Goldberg.

0:31:33 > 0:31:34'Hi, Chuck.'

0:31:34 > 0:31:36Mr Goldberg.

0:31:36 > 0:31:38I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you right away.

0:31:38 > 0:31:40I was out of town. I was on vacation in Mexico.

0:31:40 > 0:31:41'Well, good for you.

0:31:41 > 0:31:43'Listen, I'm sitting here and going through things,

0:31:43 > 0:31:46'and I have a hole in my daytime schedule.

0:31:46 > 0:31:47'I think it might be right for you and your baby.'

0:31:47 > 0:31:49My... My baby, Mr Goldberg?

0:31:49 > 0:31:51'Chuck, Dating Game.

0:31:51 > 0:31:52'Isn't that your baby?'

0:31:52 > 0:31:53Yes, sir, it is.

0:31:53 > 0:31:54'Well, you still interested?'

0:31:54 > 0:31:56Yes, sir. Very interested.

0:31:56 > 0:31:58'Well, I've got six weeks to get this on the air.

0:31:58 > 0:32:00'Is that doable for you and your people?'

0:32:00 > 0:32:01Uh, my people?

0:32:01 > 0:32:04Six weeks? Sure, yeah.

0:32:04 > 0:32:06'Well, give me a call when you get to LA, Chuck.'

0:32:08 > 0:32:11Oh, goddamn.

0:32:11 > 0:32:13Hot dog.

0:32:13 > 0:32:15Fucking shit. Piss.

0:32:15 > 0:32:17Who's Larry Goldberg?

0:32:17 > 0:32:20STOMACH GURGLES

0:32:20 > 0:32:21APPLAUSE

0:32:21 > 0:32:24Bachelor number one,

0:32:24 > 0:32:27what would I like most about you?

0:32:27 > 0:32:30I'm very romantic,

0:32:30 > 0:32:32and I'd send you flowers every day.

0:32:32 > 0:32:34BACHELORETTE: Aw, that's so sweet.

0:32:34 > 0:32:38Bachelor number three, what would I like most about you?

0:32:38 > 0:32:40My big cock.

0:32:40 > 0:32:43LAUGHTER

0:32:43 > 0:32:46LIGHT APPLAUSE

0:32:46 > 0:32:48LAUGHS

0:32:48 > 0:32:50BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number one,

0:32:50 > 0:32:52What nationality are you?

0:32:52 > 0:32:53BACHELOR NUMBER ONE: Um...

0:32:53 > 0:32:55My daddy is Welsh,

0:32:55 > 0:32:57My mama's Hungarian,

0:32:57 > 0:33:00so I guess that makes me well-hung.

0:33:00 > 0:33:03LAUGHTER

0:33:03 > 0:33:06Bachelor number two,

0:33:06 > 0:33:07I play the trombone.

0:33:07 > 0:33:11If I blew you, what would you sound like?

0:33:11 > 0:33:13BACHELOR NUMBER TWO: What would I sound like?

0:33:13 > 0:33:14LAUGHS

0:33:14 > 0:33:16All right.

0:33:16 > 0:33:18Ooh.

0:33:18 > 0:33:20Ooh.

0:33:20 > 0:33:23Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

0:33:23 > 0:33:26Ooh. Ooh.

0:33:26 > 0:33:29Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

0:33:29 > 0:33:31Ooh.

0:33:31 > 0:33:33That's nice. Don't stop.

0:33:33 > 0:33:34Oh.

0:33:34 > 0:33:36IMITATES TROMBONE

0:33:40 > 0:33:42Blow it, baby.

0:33:42 > 0:33:45IMITATES TROMBONE PLAYING SHAKILY

0:33:47 > 0:33:49SHOES SQUEAK

0:33:49 > 0:33:51Heh heh.

0:33:52 > 0:33:53Chuck, quite frankly,

0:33:53 > 0:33:55these episodes are unairable.

0:33:55 > 0:33:57CHUCK: Look, Larry,

0:33:57 > 0:33:58the show's spontaneous.

0:33:58 > 0:34:01It's unscripted. That's its charm.

0:34:01 > 0:34:02I can't help what people say.

0:34:02 > 0:34:03< Be that as it may, Mr Barris,

0:34:03 > 0:34:05we can't have black men

0:34:05 > 0:34:07getting blow jobs on national television!

0:34:07 > 0:34:09The point is not that he's black, Hank.

0:34:09 > 0:34:10HANK: Well, I know that.

0:34:10 > 0:34:12LARRY: Chuck, that's it. We can't air this stuff.

0:34:12 > 0:34:14If you can't retain your spontaneity

0:34:14 > 0:34:16on the show without this lewd conduct,

0:34:16 > 0:34:19it's over, it's finished, you're history.

0:34:19 > 0:34:20Now, you fix this fucking thing,

0:34:20 > 0:34:21or we got a problem.

0:34:24 > 0:34:26Hi, folks.

0:34:26 > 0:34:27Before we begin taping today,

0:34:27 > 0:34:30I'd like to introduce you to Mr Peter Jenks

0:34:30 > 0:34:32of the Federal Communications Commission.

0:34:32 > 0:34:33OK?

0:34:37 > 0:34:38Thank you, Mr Barris.

0:34:52 > 0:34:56I don't know if any of you

0:34:56 > 0:34:58are aware of this...

0:34:59 > 0:35:02..but it's a federal offence

0:35:02 > 0:35:04to make lascivious remarks

0:35:04 > 0:35:07on a television network broadcast.

0:35:10 > 0:35:12The penalty...

0:35:15 > 0:35:17..for this disgusting...

0:35:20 > 0:35:22..un-American...

0:35:22 > 0:35:24behaviour...

0:35:24 > 0:35:27is one year in prison

0:35:27 > 0:35:30or a 10,000 fine...

0:35:30 > 0:35:32or both!

0:35:34 > 0:35:36Anyone...

0:35:36 > 0:35:40making a sick subversive remark tonight

0:35:40 > 0:35:43will be arrested immediately.

0:35:43 > 0:35:44I, then, will personally escort

0:35:44 > 0:35:46the offender to federal prison

0:35:46 > 0:35:48for booking under edict number 364

0:35:48 > 0:35:52of the Broadcasting Act of 1963.

0:35:52 > 0:35:56And it's a long drive to that prison, baby.

0:35:56 > 0:35:59Just you and me.

0:35:59 > 0:36:02No witnesses!

0:36:18 > 0:36:20CHUCK: OK, have fun, everybody.

0:36:20 > 0:36:21All right.

0:36:21 > 0:36:23They gave everybody jackets

0:36:23 > 0:36:24with their names on them,

0:36:24 > 0:36:26and when we got number one ratings

0:36:26 > 0:36:27on Saturday nights,

0:36:27 > 0:36:29everybody got a gold plaque.

0:36:29 > 0:36:31And so, he was a good boss,

0:36:31 > 0:36:33and obviously had the common touch,

0:36:33 > 0:36:35because he really knew

0:36:35 > 0:36:36what people wanted to watch.

0:36:36 > 0:36:40BARRIS: 'We aired and became a big hit.

0:36:40 > 0:36:41'A phenomenon, really.'

0:36:41 > 0:36:44Hey, baby.

0:36:44 > 0:36:45I got a story to tell you.

0:36:46 > 0:36:48Asshole. I know, I know.

0:36:48 > 0:36:50Uhh. I got a little story for you.

0:36:50 > 0:36:52I'm busy. We're in the middle

0:36:52 > 0:36:53of a bachelorette crisis out there.

0:36:53 > 0:36:55Oh, sit down, relax.

0:36:55 > 0:36:57Take a load off. Make yourself at home.

0:36:57 > 0:36:59I just got a call from the network. You want a drink?

0:36:59 > 0:37:00You got any weed?

0:37:00 > 0:37:03I wish. No, no weed.

0:37:03 > 0:37:04Then I'll have a drink.

0:37:05 > 0:37:06Bad news?

0:37:06 > 0:37:07The Tammy Grimes Show is being pulled

0:37:07 > 0:37:09from Saturday night.

0:37:09 > 0:37:11LORETTA: Oh, not Tammy.

0:37:11 > 0:37:12Ha ha ha ha.

0:37:12 > 0:37:13They want me to put a primetime version

0:37:13 > 0:37:15of The Dating Game on in its place.

0:37:17 > 0:37:18That's fucking great.

0:37:18 > 0:37:19Yeah, it's great, it's great,

0:37:19 > 0:37:21but they say the daytime version is not hot enough.

0:37:21 > 0:37:23They want me to make it more exciting for night time.

0:37:23 > 0:37:25I got 48 hours.

0:37:26 > 0:37:28What have you got?

0:37:28 > 0:37:30SIGHS

0:37:30 > 0:37:31I don't have a clue.

0:37:31 > 0:37:32I got nothing. I got bupkus.

0:37:32 > 0:37:34This is a big deal, Loretta.

0:37:34 > 0:37:35This could be my big break.

0:37:35 > 0:37:37I know.

0:37:40 > 0:37:41Don't blow it.

0:37:41 > 0:37:43Oh, thanks for the help.

0:37:47 > 0:37:49SIGHS

0:37:51 > 0:37:53SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

0:38:04 > 0:38:06Let me ask you something, Chuck.

0:38:06 > 0:38:07Jesus. What the...?

0:38:07 > 0:38:09What are you doing here?

0:38:09 > 0:38:10You see, I've been put in charge

0:38:10 > 0:38:12of a fairly large wet operation,

0:38:12 > 0:38:14and I could use your help.

0:38:14 > 0:38:15SCOFFS

0:38:15 > 0:38:16DOOR CLOSES

0:38:18 > 0:38:19Have you noticed, Jim? I got a TV show on the air.

0:38:19 > 0:38:21I don't need to kill people for hire any more.

0:38:21 > 0:38:24I know you don't need to, but you like to.

0:38:24 > 0:38:25Bullshit.

0:38:25 > 0:38:27Think of it as a hobby -

0:38:27 > 0:38:29something you do to relax.

0:38:29 > 0:38:31You can be an assassination enthusiast,

0:38:31 > 0:38:32a murder bug.

0:38:32 > 0:38:34I got important things to think about here.

0:38:34 > 0:38:35I don't have time to fuck around with you.

0:38:35 > 0:38:37This is serious work we're talking about, Chuck -

0:38:37 > 0:38:39serious work.

0:38:39 > 0:38:42Now, how about I help you out with your little show,

0:38:42 > 0:38:43you help me out with my little operation?

0:38:43 > 0:38:45Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am.

0:38:45 > 0:38:47Oh, yeah. You're a piece of work.

0:38:47 > 0:38:49I've seen this Dating Game of yours, Chuck,

0:38:49 > 0:38:50and I do have a thought.

0:38:50 > 0:38:53What, now you're a big television producer?

0:38:53 > 0:38:55Hey, I'm John Q Public when it comes to TV,

0:38:55 > 0:38:59and that should make my opinion of value to you.

0:38:59 > 0:39:00All right, let's hear it, then.

0:39:00 > 0:39:02All right.

0:39:02 > 0:39:04What do you have? Some couple gets sent

0:39:04 > 0:39:06to some second-rate shit-can restaurant

0:39:06 > 0:39:08and set you back 50 bucks?

0:39:08 > 0:39:09That's not too exciting a prize

0:39:09 > 0:39:11for us vicarious living boobs

0:39:11 > 0:39:12out in TV land.

0:39:12 > 0:39:13What's your point?

0:39:13 > 0:39:14Up the stakes, Chuck.

0:39:14 > 0:39:16Send them to some exotic locale -

0:39:16 > 0:39:20Europe, southeast Asia, for example.

0:39:21 > 0:39:22The network's not going to let me send

0:39:22 > 0:39:24two unmarried kids on vacation together.

0:39:24 > 0:39:25Send them with a chaperone.

0:39:29 > 0:39:30That's...

0:39:35 > 0:39:36That's not half bad.

0:39:36 > 0:39:38I'm telling you.

0:39:38 > 0:39:40Sometimes you could be the chaperone.

0:39:40 > 0:39:43Say we have a job for you in Austria.

0:39:43 > 0:39:45You, a successful television producer,

0:39:45 > 0:39:47chaperones a young couple.

0:39:47 > 0:39:48While you're there, you take care

0:39:48 > 0:39:49of some company business.

0:39:49 > 0:39:51It's a perfect cover.

0:39:51 > 0:39:52TV producer by day,

0:39:52 > 0:39:54CIA operative at night.

0:39:54 > 0:39:55I got money, Jim.

0:39:55 > 0:39:58I don't have to kill people for money any more.

0:39:58 > 0:39:59Chuck, when I said you fit the profile,

0:39:59 > 0:40:02very little of that meant you needed the money.

0:40:02 > 0:40:03You liked it with Renda.

0:40:03 > 0:40:06I saw it in your eyes.

0:40:06 > 0:40:08You liked it, but you botched it.

0:40:11 > 0:40:13You could be a great warrior, Chuck.

0:40:13 > 0:40:15BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number three,

0:40:15 > 0:40:17if we were fixed up on a date,

0:40:17 > 0:40:18and I ignored you...

0:40:18 > 0:40:20This guy's never been on a date.

0:40:20 > 0:40:22SNAPS FINGERS Ready, four. Take four.

0:40:22 > 0:40:24Well, I'm not used to being ignored,

0:40:24 > 0:40:26But I would... I'd give you your space.

0:40:26 > 0:40:29The only date this guy's had is with his right hand.

0:40:29 > 0:40:31BOTH LAUGH

0:40:31 > 0:40:33Ready, one. Take one.

0:40:33 > 0:40:35LAUGHTER

0:40:35 > 0:40:38Bachelor number three, what if I pick you...

0:40:38 > 0:40:40DIRECTOR: God, she's going for the three.

0:40:40 > 0:40:41What would you do?

0:40:41 > 0:40:42SNAPS FINGERS Ready, four. Take four.

0:40:42 > 0:40:44The only way that you could be ugly

0:40:44 > 0:40:47is by what you say or do.

0:40:47 > 0:40:49I don't know. From where I'm sitting,

0:40:49 > 0:40:50I-I think you're beautiful.

0:40:50 > 0:40:51DIRECTOR: I can't believe it.

0:40:51 > 0:40:53BACHELORETTE: Bachelor number three,

0:40:53 > 0:40:54can you please tell me what a girl is like

0:40:54 > 0:40:56who has never been on a date before

0:40:56 > 0:40:59and how you can tell?

0:40:59 > 0:41:00Well...

0:41:00 > 0:41:03I'll ask her what she likes to do,

0:41:03 > 0:41:06and if she doesn't know what she likes to do,

0:41:06 > 0:41:08then I'll know she hasn't done it yet.

0:41:08 > 0:41:09APPLAUSE

0:41:09 > 0:41:11INCIDENTAL GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

0:41:21 > 0:41:23BACHELOR NUMBER THREE: Why don't you talk to her?

0:41:23 > 0:41:25You can do that.

0:41:25 > 0:41:28She's real shy.

0:41:28 > 0:41:30You have to tell her. That's your job.

0:41:30 > 0:41:33Tell her that I think she's real pretty,

0:41:33 > 0:41:36and I want to be her boyfriend.

0:41:36 > 0:41:38I'm shy, too.

0:41:38 > 0:41:40You got to tell her that, Chuck.

0:41:40 > 0:41:41I used to skate when I was young.

0:41:41 > 0:41:44I told her that. She didn't even look at me.

0:41:44 > 0:41:45You got to talk to her, Chuck.

0:41:45 > 0:41:46It's your job.

0:41:46 > 0:41:49She picked me. She didn't pick those other guys.

0:41:49 > 0:41:52You're the chaperone, Chuck.

0:41:56 > 0:41:57She called me gay.

0:41:57 > 0:41:59I'm not gay.

0:41:59 > 0:42:01You got to tell her that.

0:42:01 > 0:42:03You're not doing your job very well.

0:42:03 > 0:42:04I mean, I-I know it takes time

0:42:04 > 0:42:06for people to get to know each other,

0:42:06 > 0:42:08but this is ridiculous.

0:42:08 > 0:42:11They... They thought he was...

0:42:11 > 0:42:13He... They sort of walked a straight line,

0:42:13 > 0:42:15because they used to talk about him,

0:42:15 > 0:42:17saying, you know, "This guy, he can turn on you."

0:42:17 > 0:42:20You know, and I never saw that side,

0:42:20 > 0:42:21but a lot of the crew thought

0:42:21 > 0:42:23he could turn on them.

0:42:23 > 0:42:25Chuck?

0:42:27 > 0:42:29SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

0:42:29 > 0:42:30BARRIS: Helsinki is wonderful

0:42:30 > 0:42:32this time of year.

0:42:32 > 0:42:36Especially the snow.

0:42:36 > 0:42:38It affords one solitude,

0:42:38 > 0:42:40even in a city full of people.

0:42:53 > 0:42:57Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

0:42:57 > 0:42:58By you.

0:43:02 > 0:43:05SIGHS

0:43:05 > 0:43:06Helsinki is wonderful

0:43:06 > 0:43:08this time of year, isn't it?

0:43:08 > 0:43:10Yes, it is.

0:43:17 > 0:43:18Oh, I'm sorry.

0:43:18 > 0:43:21Um...

0:43:29 > 0:43:30Excuse me.

0:43:42 > 0:43:44Helsinki is wonderful

0:43:44 > 0:43:46this time of year, isn't it?

0:43:46 > 0:43:48Especially the snow.

0:43:48 > 0:43:49It affords one solitude,

0:43:49 > 0:43:51even in a city full of people.

0:43:51 > 0:43:52Hey...

0:43:55 > 0:43:57I'm Chuck. Ahem.

0:43:57 > 0:44:00So I gathered.

0:44:00 > 0:44:01And you are?

0:44:03 > 0:44:05Here you are, Chuck.

0:44:07 > 0:44:09At least give me a made-up name -

0:44:09 > 0:44:12something for me to cry out

0:44:12 > 0:44:14during those dark nights of the soul.

0:44:18 > 0:44:20Cry out, "Olivia".

0:44:21 > 0:44:23That's Twelfth Night.

0:44:23 > 0:44:26Very good, Chuck.

0:44:26 > 0:44:29I'm pleasantly surprised.

0:44:29 > 0:44:32You're not like the other murderers.

0:44:42 > 0:44:44DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:44:47 > 0:44:49MAN: Here.

0:44:49 > 0:44:51Do you have it?

0:44:51 > 0:44:52Do you have it?

0:44:52 > 0:44:54Oh, sorry.

0:44:59 > 0:45:00Don't worry. We're not going to cheat you.

0:45:00 > 0:45:02Yeah, just the same.

0:45:02 > 0:45:04Oop. Sorry about your teeth.

0:45:04 > 0:45:05FIRES WITH SILENCER

0:45:05 > 0:45:07BODY FALLS

0:45:07 > 0:45:09FIRES WITH SILENCER

0:45:19 > 0:45:20Chuck?

0:45:24 > 0:45:26Chuck?

0:45:49 > 0:45:52MUSIC FADES

0:45:52 > 0:45:54EXHALING, WHISTLING

0:45:58 > 0:46:00HUMS

0:46:00 > 0:46:02"MOONLIGHT SONATA" PLAYS

0:46:07 > 0:46:08Olivia?

0:46:13 > 0:46:16It's Patricia, actually.

0:46:16 > 0:46:18PATRICIA: So, then I spent a year in Operation Chaos

0:46:18 > 0:46:20inside the anti-war movement,

0:46:20 > 0:46:23nudging it towards violence to discredit it.

0:46:23 > 0:46:25That was fun.

0:46:25 > 0:46:28It sounds fun. It sounds fun.

0:46:28 > 0:46:29So, tell me, Patricia,

0:46:29 > 0:46:32why did you come up here tonight?

0:46:33 > 0:46:35Ahem.

0:46:35 > 0:46:37I don't know. Um...

0:46:37 > 0:46:41You're kind of cute in a homely sort of way, and...

0:46:43 > 0:46:46..it's lonely when the civilian you're fucking

0:46:46 > 0:46:48calls out the name on your fake passport.

0:46:48 > 0:46:50All the information I have about myself

0:46:50 > 0:46:53is from forged documents.

0:46:56 > 0:46:57Nabokov.

0:46:57 > 0:46:59MOONLIGHT SONATA CONTINUES

0:47:16 > 0:47:17GLASS SHATTERS

0:47:17 > 0:47:19OBJECTS CLATTER

0:47:29 > 0:47:30Wait, wait. Wait, wait.

0:47:30 > 0:47:31Actually, I just got to go into the bathroom

0:47:31 > 0:47:33and take care of something.

0:47:35 > 0:47:37Leave the microfilm in, baby.

0:47:38 > 0:47:40UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

0:47:40 > 0:47:41# Hoo!

0:47:44 > 0:47:45# Huhh! #

0:47:45 > 0:47:46Chuck, Chuck.

0:47:46 > 0:47:47# Hey! #

0:47:50 > 0:47:54Do you know when my episode is going to air?

0:47:54 > 0:47:55OK.

0:47:55 > 0:47:57Well, see you, Chuck. Bye.

0:47:57 > 0:47:59BYRD: Chuck, this is Simon Oliver.

0:47:59 > 0:48:01- Hey. - Everything go OK?

0:48:01 > 0:48:02You don't look too good.

0:48:02 > 0:48:04Mr Barris, do not ever again

0:48:04 > 0:48:05jeopardise one of my missions

0:48:05 > 0:48:06by having a game show contestant

0:48:06 > 0:48:07standing around as a witness.

0:48:07 > 0:48:08Is that understood?

0:48:08 > 0:48:10You're welcome, pal.

0:48:10 > 0:48:11Do I make myself clear?

0:48:11 > 0:48:13Fuck you. They're my contestants.

0:48:13 > 0:48:15You are a bloody amateur.

0:48:15 > 0:48:16You're a faggot. Chuck.

0:48:16 > 0:48:18OLIVER: Tell me, Mr Barris.

0:48:18 > 0:48:20Are you in possession of my microfilm?

0:48:20 > 0:48:21Yeah, I got it.

0:48:21 > 0:48:22Let's have it, then.

0:48:22 > 0:48:23It's up my ass, Oliver.

0:48:23 > 0:48:25Why don't you reach on up there and get it?

0:48:25 > 0:48:26What is this shit?

0:48:26 > 0:48:28I just feel I deserve a little appreciation

0:48:28 > 0:48:30for my efforts here, Jim.

0:48:30 > 0:48:33What do you think Patricia Watson was?

0:48:38 > 0:48:40Prick.

0:48:40 > 0:48:41EUBANKS: Really? OK. He said

0:48:41 > 0:48:43he dated none of them. That's right.

0:48:43 > 0:48:45APPLAUSE

0:48:47 > 0:48:48Sandra?

0:48:48 > 0:48:51- Um, six of them. - Six of them.

0:48:51 > 0:48:53Well, if it isn't the hit man.

0:48:53 > 0:48:55What?

0:48:55 > 0:48:57The hit man.

0:48:57 > 0:48:59ALL: Surprise!

0:48:59 > 0:49:02CHEERING

0:49:02 > 0:49:03ABC's going to pick up The newlywed game!

0:49:03 > 0:49:04Daytime and primetime!

0:49:04 > 0:49:06You're kidding me! Oh, my god!

0:49:06 > 0:49:08That's sensational. You mean it?

0:49:08 > 0:49:09Fantastic!

0:49:09 > 0:49:10Whoo!

0:49:10 > 0:49:13EUBANKS: OK, here's the last of our five-point questions.

0:49:13 > 0:49:15Girls, tell me where, specifically,

0:49:15 > 0:49:17is the weirdest place

0:49:17 > 0:49:19that you personally, girls,

0:49:19 > 0:49:22have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee.

0:49:22 > 0:49:26The weirdest place. Olga?

0:49:26 > 0:49:28Um...

0:49:28 > 0:49:30AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:49:31 > 0:49:32EUBANKS: Yes, Olga?

0:49:34 > 0:49:36In the ass?

0:49:36 > 0:49:38AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:49:38 > 0:49:39No, no, no.

0:49:39 > 0:49:40No, the...

0:49:40 > 0:49:41HUSBAND: It's still there.

0:49:41 > 0:49:43No, no. What I'm talking about

0:49:43 > 0:49:46is the weirdest location, the weirdest place. Yeah.

0:49:46 > 0:49:49LAUGHS I don't know.

0:49:49 > 0:49:51AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:49:53 > 0:49:54Oh!

0:49:55 > 0:49:57EUBANKS: Olga...

0:49:57 > 0:49:59HUSBAND: Yeah?

0:49:59 > 0:50:01Olga, the word is the location or place.

0:50:01 > 0:50:02You know what I mean?

0:50:02 > 0:50:04# Mucha muchacha

0:50:04 > 0:50:06# Mucha muchacha

0:50:06 > 0:50:08# Mucha muchacha

0:50:08 > 0:50:10# Mucha muchacha

0:50:10 > 0:50:12# Mucha muchacha

0:50:12 > 0:50:15# Mucha muchacha

0:50:15 > 0:50:17# Mucha muchacha

0:50:17 > 0:50:19# Ba ba ba ba baile

0:50:28 > 0:50:30# Ba

0:50:30 > 0:50:32# Ah

0:50:32 > 0:50:35# Ah

0:50:35 > 0:50:37# Ba ba ba ba ba-ba-ba

0:50:37 > 0:50:39# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa

0:50:39 > 0:50:41# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa

0:50:41 > 0:50:43# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa

0:50:43 > 0:50:46# Ra pa ra pa ba ra pa

0:50:46 > 0:50:48# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa

0:50:48 > 0:50:50# Ra pa pa ra pa ba ra pa! #

0:50:51 > 0:50:53BARRIS: I liked Penny.

0:50:53 > 0:50:55I even loved her, in my way.

0:50:55 > 0:50:58But the idea of tying myself down

0:50:58 > 0:51:01for the rest of my life...

0:51:01 > 0:51:04I remember my parents' marriage.

0:51:04 > 0:51:06We need a new icebox.

0:51:06 > 0:51:08RADIO PLAYS FAINTLY

0:51:12 > 0:51:14THE NEWLYWED GAME THEME PLAYS

0:51:21 > 0:51:23APPLAUSE

0:51:29 > 0:51:31AUDIENCE: Ooh...

0:51:32 > 0:51:34BARRIS: The Newlywed Game

0:51:34 > 0:51:36was based on my theory that almost any American

0:51:36 > 0:51:38would sell out their spouse

0:51:38 > 0:51:39for a washer, dryer,

0:51:39 > 0:51:41or a lawn mower you can ride on.

0:51:41 > 0:51:43Such was my respect

0:51:43 > 0:51:46for that most holy of unions.

0:51:47 > 0:51:48PENNY: "Interpet".

0:51:48 > 0:51:49CHUCK: Interpret.

0:51:49 > 0:51:52Oh. Well, do you have an extra R I can borrow?

0:51:52 > 0:51:54I'm not going to give you a letter.

0:51:54 > 0:51:56You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a turn.

0:51:56 > 0:51:58Oh, OK.

0:51:58 > 0:52:00You look cute today, Pen.

0:52:00 > 0:52:03I always look cute. Don't distract me.

0:52:03 > 0:52:06BLOWS

0:52:06 > 0:52:07What was I going to say?

0:52:07 > 0:52:10I don't know. What were you going to say?

0:52:10 > 0:52:12MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY

0:52:14 > 0:52:17I think we should get married,

0:52:17 > 0:52:19because we've known each other forever,

0:52:19 > 0:52:22and we've fucked each other forever.

0:52:22 > 0:52:25And you think I'm cute, you just said.

0:52:25 > 0:52:28And you always come to me when you're in trouble,

0:52:28 > 0:52:30and I'm nothing like your mother, and we could...

0:52:30 > 0:52:32What does that mean? What is that?

0:52:34 > 0:52:37I'm just kidding.

0:52:37 > 0:52:39Don't ask me to marry you again, OK?

0:52:39 > 0:52:42# I don't use a knife

0:52:42 > 0:52:44# Don't need a gun... #

0:52:45 > 0:52:47BARRIS: I couldn't breathe.

0:52:47 > 0:52:49I was drowning.

0:52:49 > 0:52:52And what the fuck did my mother have to do with it?

0:52:52 > 0:52:54So I made a call.

0:53:11 > 0:53:13DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

0:53:15 > 0:53:17BYRD: Over here, strawberry dick.

0:53:25 > 0:53:26CHUCK: How do you know those things?

0:53:26 > 0:53:28BYRD: We even know what she actually thought

0:53:28 > 0:53:29it tasted like.

0:53:29 > 0:53:30Really? I could never find that out.

0:53:30 > 0:53:31What'd she think?

0:53:31 > 0:53:34That's on a need-to-know basis, my friend.

0:53:34 > 0:53:36What can I do for you?

0:53:36 > 0:53:38I really need something, Jim.

0:53:38 > 0:53:40I need something for my head.

0:53:44 > 0:53:46I got something for your head.

0:53:49 > 0:53:50LANGE: And you're going on your date

0:53:50 > 0:53:54to fabulous West Berlin, Germany.

0:53:54 > 0:53:57DATING GAME THEME PLAYS

0:54:01 > 0:54:03APPLAUSE

0:54:13 > 0:54:15MUSIC FADES

0:54:15 > 0:54:16ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

0:54:16 > 0:54:18The name's Hans Colbert.

0:54:18 > 0:54:20Other side of the wall.

0:54:20 > 0:54:22We don't like him very much.

0:54:22 > 0:54:25You'll be working with a Kraut named Keeler.

0:54:25 > 0:54:27He's been tailing Colbert for a month,

0:54:27 > 0:54:29knows the routine. Keeler's a drunk,

0:54:29 > 0:54:32so stay sober and take charge.

0:54:32 > 0:54:35It's done and done.

0:54:35 > 0:54:37DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:54:37 > 0:54:40Kill for me, baby.

0:54:50 > 0:54:53RUMBLING

0:54:53 > 0:54:55ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

0:55:02 > 0:55:04COUGHS

0:55:17 > 0:55:19CLICK

0:55:48 > 0:55:50KEELER WRITING

0:56:08 > 0:56:10What are you writing, Sieg?

0:56:13 > 0:56:15Just keeping track

0:56:15 > 0:56:16of anything that happens in the...

0:56:16 > 0:56:18SPEAKS GERMAN

0:56:23 > 0:56:25Ah.

0:56:35 > 0:56:37ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

0:56:41 > 0:56:42MAN: Ja.

0:56:42 > 0:56:43CHUCK: What do you say?

0:56:45 > 0:56:48Too many people.

0:56:51 > 0:56:53LAUGHING

0:56:56 > 0:56:58MUSIC STOPS

0:57:02 > 0:57:04KEELER WHISTLES FAINTLY

0:57:10 > 0:57:12Chuck.

0:57:12 > 0:57:13Chuck.

0:57:13 > 0:57:14All right.

0:57:14 > 0:57:16Take the camera.

0:57:16 > 0:57:18What is this?

0:57:18 > 0:57:19Aah!

0:57:20 > 0:57:22What the...?!

0:57:25 > 0:57:27MUFFLED YELLS

0:57:27 > 0:57:29Take a picture.

0:57:29 > 0:57:30Take a what?

0:57:30 > 0:57:31Take a picture.

0:57:33 > 0:57:36Picture. Come on.

0:57:36 > 0:57:37Take a picture.

0:57:41 > 0:57:43Danke schon.

0:59:00 > 0:59:02He would disappear for, you know,

0:59:02 > 0:59:03a week or so at a time,

0:59:03 > 0:59:05and his secretary would just say he's out of town.

0:59:05 > 0:59:07We didn't know where he went, so...

0:59:07 > 0:59:09I don't know, um... whether it's true or not.

0:59:09 > 0:59:11I-I couldn't say.

0:59:29 > 0:59:32BARRIS: The only reason the KGB didn't kill me

0:59:32 > 0:59:33was they needed me

0:59:33 > 0:59:36to trade for one of their Russian agents.

0:59:48 > 0:59:51I promised myself if I got out of this,

0:59:51 > 0:59:53I'd live my life differently.

0:59:53 > 0:59:55I'd throw myself into work,

0:59:55 > 0:59:57into life.

0:59:57 > 1:00:02Penny. I needed to see Penny again.

1:00:02 > 1:00:05And tell Byrd I'm out... for good.

1:00:07 > 1:00:10If I could just make it past this one last man...

1:00:10 > 1:00:12This one...

1:00:12 > 1:00:14last...

1:00:31 > 1:00:34I don't know what was worse...

1:00:34 > 1:00:38That I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor

1:00:38 > 1:00:41or that it took seven of us to replace him.

1:00:41 > 1:00:43SHEEP BLEATS

1:00:48 > 1:00:50You're still in one piece?

1:00:50 > 1:00:52CHUCK: Where the fuck you been?

1:00:52 > 1:00:53Did you have a nice flight?

1:00:53 > 1:00:56Fuck you! Where you been? I got one contact, Jim,

1:00:56 > 1:00:58and it's you, and if you disappear, I got no-one.

1:00:58 > 1:00:59You understand?

1:00:59 > 1:01:00MUSIC BLARES

1:01:00 > 1:01:05# I tip my hat to the new constitution... #

1:01:30 > 1:01:33# If I had a hammer

1:01:33 > 1:01:36# I'd a-hammer in the morning

1:01:36 > 1:01:38# I'd a-hammer in the evening... #

1:01:38 > 1:01:39FEMALE EXECUTIVE: She's good, huh?

1:01:39 > 1:01:41She's very good. Very good.

1:01:41 > 1:01:43That's great. That's great.

1:01:43 > 1:01:44That's fine. Thank you so much.

1:01:44 > 1:01:46But I can sing the whole song.

1:01:46 > 1:01:47That was wonderful. Great.

1:01:47 > 1:01:49That was enough. That was fine.

1:01:49 > 1:01:51All right. Bring in the next thing.

1:01:51 > 1:01:54Aw, Christ, there's gotta be somebody in America

1:01:54 > 1:01:55with some talent.

1:01:55 > 1:01:57Hi!

1:01:57 > 1:02:01FEMALE EXECUTIVE: Now, I saw her in a little club.

1:02:01 > 1:02:02You're gonna love her.

1:02:02 > 1:02:04PLAYING GUITAR

1:02:06 > 1:02:09SINGS ATONALLY: # If I had a hammer

1:02:09 > 1:02:12# I'd hammer in the morning

1:02:12 > 1:02:15# I'd hammer in the evening

1:02:15 > 1:02:18# All over this land

1:02:18 > 1:02:22# I'd hammer out danger

1:02:22 > 1:02:25# I'd hammer out a warning

1:02:25 > 1:02:28# I'd hammer out love between

1:02:28 > 1:02:31# My brothers and my sisters

1:02:31 > 1:02:33# All over this

1:02:33 > 1:02:34# Land... #

1:02:37 > 1:02:39BELL TOLLS

1:02:39 > 1:02:41# All over this

1:02:41 > 1:02:45# Land. # GONG CLANGS

1:02:45 > 1:02:46# If I were a... #

1:02:46 > 1:02:47Oh, no, thank you, thank you!

1:02:47 > 1:02:49That's great. Fantastic!

1:02:52 > 1:02:54That was great. We'll be in touch.

1:02:54 > 1:02:55Thank you. Thank you.

1:02:55 > 1:02:57We've been going about this all wrong.

1:02:57 > 1:02:59Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts,

1:02:59 > 1:03:01we just put bad ones and kill them!

1:03:01 > 1:03:03Chuck, honestly, this - and I know you like them -

1:03:03 > 1:03:05this is torture.

1:03:05 > 1:03:07No, no, no, no. We kill 'em before they're through.

1:03:07 > 1:03:08As soon as it gets unbearable,

1:03:08 > 1:03:10we kill 'em - dead!

1:03:11 > 1:03:13GONG SHOW THEME PLAYS

1:03:13 > 1:03:16Ladies and gentlemen, this act...

1:03:16 > 1:03:19Ah! Oh, this is so good! I love this, man.

1:03:19 > 1:03:22This next act answers the age-old question -

1:03:22 > 1:03:26if you wear a cellophane... If you -

1:03:26 > 1:03:27Whish! OK.

1:03:27 > 1:03:28AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1:03:28 > 1:03:30If you wear... Ha-ha!

1:03:30 > 1:03:32..a cellophane suit,

1:03:32 > 1:03:35can people clearly see you're nuts?

1:03:35 > 1:03:37I don't know.

1:03:37 > 1:03:38A little humour, folks.

1:03:38 > 1:03:41All the way from Pacoima,

1:03:41 > 1:03:43Mick Donnelly!

1:03:43 > 1:03:44CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

1:03:44 > 1:03:47MUSIC PLAYS

1:03:47 > 1:03:50OFF-KEY: # Raindrops keep falling on my head

1:03:50 > 1:03:52# Just like the guy

1:03:52 > 1:03:55# Whose feet are too big for his bed

1:03:55 > 1:03:58# Nothin' seems to fit Those

1:03:58 > 1:03:59# Raindrops are fallin' on my head

1:03:59 > 1:04:02# They keep fallin'

1:04:02 > 1:04:06# So I just did me some talkin' to the sun

1:04:06 > 1:04:08# And I said I didn't like

1:04:08 > 1:04:10# The way he got things done

1:04:10 > 1:04:13# Sleepin' on the job Those... #

1:04:13 > 1:04:16BARRIS: Who could have known there were so many Americans

1:04:16 > 1:04:19just waiting for the opportunity to get on TV

1:04:19 > 1:04:22and make an ass out of themselves?

1:04:22 > 1:04:24# Raindrops keep fallin' on my head

1:04:24 > 1:04:25# But that doesn't mean my eyes

1:04:25 > 1:04:27# Will soon be turnin' red... #

1:04:27 > 1:04:29BOOING

1:04:29 > 1:04:31# Cryin's not for me

1:04:31 > 1:04:35# Cos I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'

1:04:35 > 1:04:36# Because I'm... #

1:04:36 > 1:04:37GONG

1:04:39 > 1:04:41We'll be back...

1:04:41 > 1:04:43with more...stuff

1:04:43 > 1:04:45right after this message.

1:04:49 > 1:04:51You know what the sad part about it is -

1:04:51 > 1:04:54Barris has a reputation for lowering the bar of television

1:04:54 > 1:04:56and the standards and all, but...

1:04:56 > 1:04:58he had a great feel for what people wanted,

1:04:58 > 1:05:00and he couldn't take the criticism.

1:05:00 > 1:05:04BARRIS: Things started to evolve pretty quickly.

1:05:04 > 1:05:06The show was gaining momentum,

1:05:06 > 1:05:10and I was becoming the one thing I didn't expect -

1:05:10 > 1:05:11famous.

1:05:11 > 1:05:13Hey, you're Chuck Barris, right?

1:05:13 > 1:05:14Yeah.

1:05:14 > 1:05:16The Gong Show. I love that show.

1:05:16 > 1:05:17Thanks.

1:06:15 > 1:06:16WOMAN: Hi.

1:06:16 > 1:06:18Hi.

1:06:18 > 1:06:20I thought that was you.

1:06:20 > 1:06:22Yeah...

1:06:22 > 1:06:23It's me.

1:06:23 > 1:06:25WOMAN LAUGHS

1:06:25 > 1:06:27Well, I'm glad to meet you.

1:06:27 > 1:06:29I've seen The Gong Show.

1:06:29 > 1:06:31Oh. Yeah, well...

1:06:32 > 1:06:33I think you're the most

1:06:33 > 1:06:36insidious, despicable force in entertainment today.

1:06:38 > 1:06:40How dare you subject the rest of the world

1:06:40 > 1:06:43to your loathsome views of humanity?

1:06:43 > 1:06:45Yeah... I don't think it's that loathsome.

1:06:45 > 1:06:47What is it, then?

1:06:47 > 1:06:48To mock some poor lonely people

1:06:48 > 1:06:51who are just craving a little attention in their lives...

1:06:51 > 1:06:53to destroy them?

1:06:53 > 1:06:55I mean, they're still people.

1:06:55 > 1:06:58They still deserve a little respect and compassion.

1:06:59 > 1:07:01Who the hell are you

1:07:01 > 1:07:03and what the fuck have you ever done

1:07:03 > 1:07:05to elevate yourself among the pathetic masses?

1:07:07 > 1:07:10Oh, that's right. You created The Dating Game.

1:07:10 > 1:07:11Wow.

1:07:13 > 1:07:15That's right up there with the Sistine Chapel.

1:07:15 > 1:07:16DRINK SPILLS

1:07:19 > 1:07:21Ladies and gentlemen...

1:07:21 > 1:07:24it wouldn't surprise me to see this next act -

1:07:24 > 1:07:25UPBEAT MUSIC BEGINS

1:07:25 > 1:07:27MAN: Whoo!

1:07:27 > 1:07:28That means...

1:07:28 > 1:07:29It's Gene...

1:07:29 > 1:07:33Gene, the dancing machine,

1:07:33 > 1:07:36and just in time!

1:07:36 > 1:07:38GENE'S DANCING MUSIC PLAYS

1:07:58 > 1:07:59FEMALE CRITIC: He represents more

1:07:59 > 1:08:02than just the decline of quality television.

1:08:02 > 1:08:03In my opinion

1:08:03 > 1:08:05Chuck Barris will do more harm to our society

1:08:05 > 1:08:07than people seem to realise.

1:08:07 > 1:08:08LORETTA: Line one's for you, Chuck.

1:08:08 > 1:08:10Who is it?

1:08:10 > 1:08:11Some guy. He says he's a friend of yours

1:08:11 > 1:08:13from Berlin.

1:08:27 > 1:08:28Hello.

1:08:28 > 1:08:30Very gutsy, my neighbour.

1:08:30 > 1:08:33I guess you heard about Oliver.

1:08:33 > 1:08:35Someone changed sides.

1:08:35 > 1:08:36CAR DOOR OPENS, STREET NOISES

1:08:36 > 1:08:38What was so urgent?

1:08:38 > 1:08:39CAR DOOR CLOSES

1:08:40 > 1:08:42STREET NOISES

1:08:42 > 1:08:44KEELER: I was wondering, you wanna grab a bite?

1:08:44 > 1:08:46I'm in town for a day.

1:08:46 > 1:08:48BARRIS: Now, assassins don't fraternise.

1:08:48 > 1:08:50That Keeler was calling me

1:08:50 > 1:08:52could mean it was my turn to get hit.

1:08:52 > 1:08:56I would take him somewhere where I knew I would be safe.

1:08:58 > 1:08:59How's show biz?

1:08:59 > 1:09:01Well, it's hit and miss.

1:09:01 > 1:09:04I got a new show called Operation Entertainment,

1:09:04 > 1:09:06which I believe is really, really gonna kill.

1:09:06 > 1:09:09It's sort of a Bob Hope visiting-the-troops thing,

1:09:09 > 1:09:11but it's weekly.

1:09:11 > 1:09:13Instead of Bob Hope, it's like Flip Wilson...

1:09:13 > 1:09:15Chuck. Tch.

1:09:15 > 1:09:17Why do you do what you do?

1:09:17 > 1:09:19Hmm?

1:09:19 > 1:09:20Well, I like to think

1:09:20 > 1:09:23that I bring joy and laughter

1:09:23 > 1:09:25to millions of people.

1:09:25 > 1:09:27It's a very important thing, I think,

1:09:27 > 1:09:28in these difficult times.

1:09:28 > 1:09:31I'm not saying the show is as good as it can be yet,

1:09:31 > 1:09:32but, uh...

1:09:32 > 1:09:34No, no.

1:09:34 > 1:09:37Why do we do what we do?

1:09:38 > 1:09:39Hmm?

1:09:39 > 1:09:41LAUGHS Come on.

1:09:42 > 1:09:45I got my feet wet in World War II.

1:09:45 > 1:09:48Germany.

1:09:48 > 1:09:52The pleasure of killing... was exhilarating.

1:09:52 > 1:09:54Later in life, I...

1:09:54 > 1:09:59couldn't find a place to fill that void...

1:09:59 > 1:10:02to get that same rush of energy.

1:10:02 > 1:10:04So I started up my own business.

1:10:04 > 1:10:08MAN: Gentlemen, are you ready to order?

1:10:08 > 1:10:10I'll have a green salad, no dressing.

1:10:10 > 1:10:11And for you, sir?

1:10:11 > 1:10:13Can I get a steak? Uh...rare.

1:10:13 > 1:10:15Thank you.

1:10:17 > 1:10:19Let me read you something.

1:10:20 > 1:10:24"Whatsoever your hand finds to do,

1:10:24 > 1:10:26"do it gladly...

1:10:26 > 1:10:29"because there is no work, love, knowledge,

1:10:29 > 1:10:31"or wisdom in the grave."

1:10:31 > 1:10:34Who is that, Carlyle?

1:10:34 > 1:10:35No, it's...

1:10:35 > 1:10:38the Old Testament.

1:10:39 > 1:10:41It's God.

1:10:41 > 1:10:43It's amazing you should quote him.

1:10:43 > 1:10:44He's my hero.

1:10:44 > 1:10:47BOTH LAUGH

1:10:49 > 1:10:51Killing my first...

1:10:51 > 1:10:54man...

1:10:54 > 1:10:57was like making love to my first woman.

1:10:59 > 1:11:00I remember...

1:11:00 > 1:11:03every little detail...

1:11:03 > 1:11:05The smell of his hair,

1:11:05 > 1:11:08ice on the window,

1:11:08 > 1:11:10wallpaper.

1:11:11 > 1:11:15It's... like entering a different time zone.

1:11:15 > 1:11:18You're... becoming an outsider,

1:11:18 > 1:11:20isolating yourself.

1:11:20 > 1:11:23You're con...condemned.

1:11:24 > 1:11:25BARRIS: Condemned?

1:11:25 > 1:11:32KEELER: You have become... their sadness, and...

1:11:32 > 1:11:34live in a different state of mind.

1:11:39 > 1:11:41Ladies and gentlemen,

1:11:41 > 1:11:43the host of The Gong Show...

1:11:43 > 1:11:45CHUCKLES

1:11:45 > 1:11:46Chuck Barris.

1:11:46 > 1:11:48Hey, it's good to see you, Sieg.

1:11:48 > 1:11:51Yeah. It'll be all right.

1:11:53 > 1:11:54It'll be all right.

1:11:54 > 1:11:56WOMAN: # Happy birthday... #

1:11:56 > 1:11:57I think.

1:11:57 > 1:11:59# To you

1:11:59 > 1:12:01# Happy birthday

1:12:01 > 1:12:04# Dear Chuckie

1:12:04 > 1:12:06# Happy birthday

1:12:06 > 1:12:08# To you. #

1:12:14 > 1:12:16Is that right?

1:12:16 > 1:12:18Yeah.

1:12:18 > 1:12:20That's real good.

1:12:20 > 1:12:21That's real good.

1:12:21 > 1:12:24PENNY: so what's wrong, Chuck?

1:12:24 > 1:12:25Are you OK?

1:12:25 > 1:12:27Yeah, yeah, I'm OK.

1:12:27 > 1:12:30It's a... guy I know...

1:12:30 > 1:12:31killed himself last night.

1:12:41 > 1:12:43A guy I know killed himself.

1:12:50 > 1:12:51Who was he?

1:12:51 > 1:12:53You don't know him. He's a, uh...

1:12:53 > 1:12:55stagehand.

1:12:57 > 1:12:59Why did he do it?

1:13:01 > 1:13:04He didn't like his work any more.

1:13:04 > 1:13:06Thanks. Thanks.

1:13:06 > 1:13:09Is being a stagehand really, really bad?

1:13:09 > 1:13:11Yeah, it's pretty bad.

1:13:25 > 1:13:26Hello?

1:13:26 > 1:13:30You were supposed to meet me at The Palm two hours ago.

1:13:30 > 1:13:31Oh, fuck, I forgot.

1:13:31 > 1:13:32You forgot. Really? Yeah!

1:13:32 > 1:13:33Keeler's dead. Did you know?

1:13:33 > 1:13:34Yeah, I heard. I heard.

1:13:34 > 1:13:36You heard. What did you hear?

1:13:36 > 1:13:37I heard he took himself out.

1:13:37 > 1:13:39Is that right? Did Byrd tell you that?

1:13:39 > 1:13:40Yeah, he said he was depressed.

1:13:40 > 1:13:42I was gonna tell you, but... Hey!

1:13:42 > 1:13:43Hey. Who is this?

1:13:43 > 1:13:45I don't get stood up. Do you understand?

1:13:45 > 1:13:46Fun! Excuse me.

1:13:46 > 1:13:47BOTH LAUGH

1:13:47 > 1:13:49So glad, um...

1:13:49 > 1:13:50Penny. Patricia.

1:13:50 > 1:13:52LAUGHING How'd you find me?

1:13:52 > 1:13:53Are you serious?

1:13:53 > 1:13:55This is what I do for a living.

1:13:55 > 1:13:56What does she mean that's what she does for a living?

1:13:56 > 1:13:58You're dead in my book, strawberry dick, got it?

1:13:58 > 1:13:59Strawberry dick!

1:13:59 > 1:14:00What's that? Whoa!

1:14:00 > 1:14:02I'll see you around. Nice to meet you, Penny.

1:14:02 > 1:14:04I've heard a lot about you.

1:14:04 > 1:14:06Why don't you stay for a...

1:14:06 > 1:14:07cocktail?

1:14:07 > 1:14:08Penny.

1:14:08 > 1:14:10And... And, uh...

1:14:10 > 1:14:12You know, man...

1:14:12 > 1:14:14LAUGHING I'm giving you one more chance.

1:14:14 > 1:14:15Get it?

1:14:15 > 1:14:17SIGHS

1:14:17 > 1:14:18Fuck.

1:14:18 > 1:14:19AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

1:14:19 > 1:14:21MAN: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

1:14:21 > 1:14:23PLAYS INTRO TO "FOOLS RUSH IN"

1:14:26 > 1:14:33OFF-KEY: # Wise men say

1:14:33 > 1:14:36# Only fools

1:14:36 > 1:14:42# Rush in

1:14:42 > 1:14:48# But I can't help

1:14:48 > 1:14:51# Falling in love

1:14:51 > 1:14:58# With you

1:14:58 > 1:15:01# Take my

1:15:01 > 1:15:05# Hand

1:15:05 > 1:15:09# Take my whole life

1:15:09 > 1:15:13# Too

1:15:13 > 1:15:19# For I can't help

1:15:19 > 1:15:23# Falling in love

1:15:23 > 1:15:28# With you

1:15:28 > 1:15:34# For I can't help

1:15:34 > 1:15:39# Falling in love

1:15:39 > 1:15:42# With

1:15:42 > 1:15:48# You. #

1:15:48 > 1:15:49WEAK APPLAUSE

1:15:49 > 1:15:50Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

1:15:53 > 1:15:56LORETTA, OVER INTERCOM: Uh, line one for you, Chuck.

1:15:57 > 1:15:58Thanks.

1:15:59 > 1:16:00Yeah?

1:16:00 > 1:16:02JIM: 'Keeler didn't kill himself.

1:16:02 > 1:16:03'He was murdered.

1:16:03 > 1:16:05'Watch your back.' HANGS UP

1:16:06 > 1:16:09You can come in now, Mr Flexner.

1:16:09 > 1:16:10Chuck!

1:16:10 > 1:16:11HANGS UP PHONE

1:16:11 > 1:16:13Great to see ya.

1:16:13 > 1:16:15What's up, Rod?

1:16:15 > 1:16:17CHUCKLES

1:16:17 > 1:16:18Well...

1:16:18 > 1:16:20Chuck, may I sit?

1:16:20 > 1:16:22Hey, how's that redhead?

1:16:22 > 1:16:23She's...good, you know.

1:16:23 > 1:16:25Keeps...

1:16:25 > 1:16:26Well, Chuck, uh...

1:16:26 > 1:16:28the thing is, we have to talk.

1:16:28 > 1:16:30What's up, Rod?

1:16:30 > 1:16:32Well, the thing is...

1:16:32 > 1:16:35some of your old shows aren't doing so well

1:16:35 > 1:16:37in the old ratings war. LAUGHS

1:16:39 > 1:16:40So...

1:16:40 > 1:16:43I've been put in the unfortunate position

1:16:43 > 1:16:45of having to inform you

1:16:45 > 1:16:48that the network is cancelling these shows.

1:16:51 > 1:16:52Now, don't shoot me, Chuck.

1:16:54 > 1:16:56I'm just the messenger.

1:17:02 > 1:17:03Psshh.

1:17:06 > 1:17:07Aargh!

1:17:07 > 1:17:09CHUCKLES

1:17:09 > 1:17:10SIGHS

1:17:10 > 1:17:12This really is

1:17:12 > 1:17:14the hardest part of the job for me.

1:17:16 > 1:17:17CHUCK: They killed my babies, you know,

1:17:17 > 1:17:19just like that.

1:17:19 > 1:17:21I pushed them into the world

1:17:21 > 1:17:24through the birth canal of my imagination...

1:17:24 > 1:17:25Lovingly...

1:17:25 > 1:17:26Tenderly.

1:17:26 > 1:17:29Where's the humanity of these people?

1:17:29 > 1:17:30Huh?

1:17:30 > 1:17:31Fuck 'em.

1:17:31 > 1:17:32Fuck 'em.

1:17:32 > 1:17:35They're fucking bastards anyway.

1:17:35 > 1:17:37Yeah. What am I gonna do now?

1:17:39 > 1:17:41Oh, baby.

1:17:41 > 1:17:43Oh, yeah.

1:17:43 > 1:17:45Feels so good.

1:17:59 > 1:18:02WOMAN MOANS SOFTLY

1:18:05 > 1:18:07Chuck?

1:18:11 > 1:18:12PENNY: Chuck?

1:18:12 > 1:18:13Fuck! Fuck!

1:18:13 > 1:18:16Penny, fuck!

1:18:31 > 1:18:34I came here to tell you I sold a painting.

1:18:34 > 1:18:36That's great.

1:18:38 > 1:18:40What's she doing here?

1:18:40 > 1:18:42She's, uh...

1:18:44 > 1:18:46PENNY: This is our house.

1:18:47 > 1:18:49It's one thing to go elsewhere

1:18:49 > 1:18:51for your pussy needs.

1:18:51 > 1:18:54But...this is our house.

1:18:54 > 1:18:55It's my house, Pen.

1:18:55 > 1:18:57It's our house.

1:18:59 > 1:19:02I found it with you. I decorated it with you.

1:19:02 > 1:19:04I spent six fucking months

1:19:04 > 1:19:07waiting for the fucking plumber to fucking come.

1:19:13 > 1:19:14CHUCK, WHISPERING: I'm sorry.

1:19:17 > 1:19:19You're such an asshole.

1:19:35 > 1:19:36STARTS ENGINE

1:20:02 > 1:20:03..No, I'm not saying that.

1:20:03 > 1:20:05That's not what I'm saying.

1:20:05 > 1:20:07TEARFULLY: Then what are you saying, Chuck?

1:20:07 > 1:20:08SNIFFS

1:20:09 > 1:20:12CRYING: Do you want me around or not?

1:20:12 > 1:20:14Do you even like me?

1:20:14 > 1:20:16Of course I like you.

1:20:16 > 1:20:18Penny...

1:20:18 > 1:20:19SNIFFING How much?

1:20:19 > 1:20:20What?

1:20:20 > 1:20:24I need to know how much you like me.

1:20:24 > 1:20:26I-I don't know what that means.

1:20:26 > 1:20:28How much?

1:20:28 > 1:20:30How can I rate a person in that way?

1:20:30 > 1:20:33You could if you felt it.

1:20:33 > 1:20:35If you felt it, it would be easy.

1:20:35 > 1:20:36You would just...

1:20:38 > 1:20:40..spread your arms

1:20:40 > 1:20:42as wide as they would go

1:20:42 > 1:20:44and say, "This much, Penny."

1:20:53 > 1:20:55WHISPERING: Everything...

1:20:55 > 1:20:57Everything's complicated, Pen.

1:20:57 > 1:21:00You know, nothing's black and white like that.

1:21:06 > 1:21:08Do you want me around or not,

1:21:08 > 1:21:10because if you don't, it's OK.

1:21:10 > 1:21:11Just tell me.

1:21:11 > 1:21:13Hey, hey...

1:21:16 > 1:21:18I love you, Penny...

1:21:18 > 1:21:20in my way.

1:21:25 > 1:21:28You know, maybe not in that crazy

1:21:28 > 1:21:30head-over-heels thing,

1:21:30 > 1:21:32but what is that anyway?

1:21:32 > 1:21:35Romantic love...

1:21:35 > 1:21:37Isn't that just an illusion?

1:21:41 > 1:21:44You just said you loved me, right?

1:21:46 > 1:21:47SNIFFS

1:21:58 > 1:22:01MUSIC FADES IN

1:22:01 > 1:22:04# Just like yesterday

1:22:04 > 1:22:08# And I'll get on my knees and pray

1:22:11 > 1:22:12# We don't... #

1:22:12 > 1:22:13TURNS OFF MUSIC

1:22:26 > 1:22:27Hi, Chuck.

1:22:27 > 1:22:29Hey, Jim, what do you want?

1:22:29 > 1:22:30How's work?

1:22:30 > 1:22:31Great.

1:22:31 > 1:22:33Any new game show ideas?

1:22:33 > 1:22:35Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?

1:22:35 > 1:22:37We need you to find the mole

1:22:37 > 1:22:39and take him out.

1:22:43 > 1:22:44Yeah.

1:22:44 > 1:22:46LAUGHS

1:22:46 > 1:22:48Yeah...

1:22:48 > 1:22:50I'm done killing people.

1:22:50 > 1:22:52I just want to entertain people.

1:22:52 > 1:22:54I'm out.

1:22:55 > 1:22:57No, you're not.

1:23:01 > 1:23:03Hey, I got an idea.

1:23:03 > 1:23:06If you want him so bad...

1:23:06 > 1:23:07why don't you do it?

1:23:07 > 1:23:09Why don't you kill the mole?

1:23:09 > 1:23:12Any problem with killing, Jim?

1:23:13 > 1:23:16I just don't fit the profile.

1:23:16 > 1:23:18What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile.

1:23:18 > 1:23:20OK. There's no profile.

1:23:20 > 1:23:21Yeah, there's no profile.

1:23:21 > 1:23:22OK.

1:23:25 > 1:23:27You had a twin sister, stillborn,

1:23:27 > 1:23:30strangled by your umbilical cord.

1:23:30 > 1:23:32Your first hit.

1:23:32 > 1:23:34Your mother always wanted a daughter.

1:23:34 > 1:23:36She blamed you for your sister's death,

1:23:36 > 1:23:38so until your sister Phoebe was born,

1:23:38 > 1:23:40she raised you as a girl.

1:23:40 > 1:23:41What else?

1:23:41 > 1:23:44Your father, the dentist.

1:23:44 > 1:23:46Not really your father.

1:23:47 > 1:23:49Your real father was a man

1:23:49 > 1:23:51named Edmond jams Windsor.

1:23:51 > 1:23:53Among other things, he was a serial killer,

1:23:53 > 1:23:55a fact your mother didn't know

1:23:55 > 1:23:57when she had an affair with him in 1928.

1:23:57 > 1:23:58That's ridiculous.

1:23:58 > 1:24:00Is it?

1:24:00 > 1:24:01That's insane.

1:24:01 > 1:24:03Windsor died in the electric chair

1:24:03 > 1:24:04in 1939.

1:24:06 > 1:24:08I'm trying to think of what more I can tell you,

1:24:08 > 1:24:10but you have me at a bit of a disadvantage, Chuck.

1:24:10 > 1:24:13I don't have your files in front of me.

1:24:21 > 1:24:22Come on, Jim.

1:24:28 > 1:24:30I'm out.

1:24:37 > 1:24:40As long as the mole's alive, you're a dead man.

1:24:40 > 1:24:43How do I know it's not you?

1:24:43 > 1:24:46You're a fairly bright guy, Chuck.

1:24:47 > 1:24:49You'll figure it out.

1:26:08 > 1:26:12INAUDIBLE

1:26:24 > 1:26:26INAUDIBLE

1:26:50 > 1:26:51Hey, Chuck. I...

1:26:51 > 1:26:52Take it off. Huh?

1:26:52 > 1:26:54Who are you? What's your name?

1:26:54 > 1:26:55What's your name?

1:26:55 > 1:26:56GONG

1:26:58 > 1:27:00AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

1:27:00 > 1:27:03INCIDENTAL GAME SHOW MUSIC

1:27:05 > 1:27:07Yeah...

1:27:07 > 1:27:09That's the way it goes on...

1:27:09 > 1:27:10TV.

1:27:10 > 1:27:12Get off the stage. Get off the stage.

1:27:12 > 1:27:14Go back to Scotland!

1:27:14 > 1:27:17Get yourself a Guinness and some lucky charms.

1:27:17 > 1:27:18All right.

1:27:18 > 1:27:20Ladies and gentlemen,

1:27:20 > 1:27:23The prince of puns...

1:27:23 > 1:27:25The wizard of whoopee!

1:27:25 > 1:27:26APPLAUSE

1:27:26 > 1:27:29The unknown comic!

1:27:29 > 1:27:30Hey, Chuckie, baby! Hey, Chuckie, baby!

1:27:30 > 1:27:33Hey, Chuckie, baby, I got a joke for you, Chuckie, baby.

1:27:33 > 1:27:34A joke. A joke. What? What?

1:27:34 > 1:27:35What's the difference between toilet paper

1:27:35 > 1:27:36and a shower curtain?

1:27:36 > 1:27:37I don't know. What?

1:27:37 > 1:27:38Here's the guy!

1:27:38 > 1:27:40Get off the stage. Get off the stage.

1:27:40 > 1:27:41No, it's my turn, Chuckie.

1:27:41 > 1:27:43Get off the stage.

1:27:43 > 1:27:44You're fucking crazy, man.

1:27:44 > 1:27:46Get the fuck out of here.

1:27:46 > 1:27:49Ladies and gentlemen...

1:27:49 > 1:27:51uh...our next act...

1:27:51 > 1:27:53Ha ha!

1:27:53 > 1:27:54..first came...

1:27:57 > 1:28:00..to us...all the way...

1:28:02 > 1:28:04Um... Ha ha...

1:28:04 > 1:28:08Lord. Crazy on coast-to-coast.

1:28:10 > 1:28:11Come on.

1:28:15 > 1:28:17You like the way Mommy looks?

1:28:17 > 1:28:19Yes.

1:28:19 > 1:28:21I bet you'd like to be a mommy some day,

1:28:21 > 1:28:22Wouldn't you?

1:28:22 > 1:28:24Come here, you.

1:28:24 > 1:28:26RENDA CRYING OUT

1:28:31 > 1:28:33BARRIS: Sorry about your teeth.

1:28:43 > 1:28:46MOTHER: # ..Birthday to you

1:28:46 > 1:28:50# Happy birthday to you

1:28:50 > 1:28:54# Happy birthday dear Chuckie

1:28:54 > 1:28:57# Happy birthday to... #

1:29:08 > 1:29:10Come on.

1:29:10 > 1:29:11Take me away now.

1:29:11 > 1:29:14Take me away.

1:29:14 > 1:29:17What are you waitin' for?

1:29:17 > 1:29:19Come on. Come on.

1:29:19 > 1:29:21Come on.

1:29:23 > 1:29:25I see you.

1:29:25 > 1:29:26I know who you are.

1:29:26 > 1:29:28What are you looking at?

1:29:28 > 1:29:31MUSIC STARTS

1:29:31 > 1:29:33# If I had a hammer

1:29:33 > 1:29:36# I'd a-hammer in the mornin'

1:29:36 > 1:29:38# I'd a-hammer in the evenin'

1:29:38 > 1:29:41# All over this land

1:29:41 > 1:29:44# I'd a-hammer out danger

1:29:44 > 1:29:46# I'd a-hammer out a warnin'

1:29:46 > 1:29:48# I'd a-hammer out love

1:29:48 > 1:29:50# Between my brothers and my sisters

1:29:50 > 1:29:52# All over

1:29:52 > 1:29:55# This land

1:29:55 > 1:29:57# Ooh ooh ooh

1:29:57 > 1:29:59# If I had a bell

1:29:59 > 1:30:02# I'd a-ring it in the mornin'

1:30:02 > 1:30:04# I'd a-ring it in the evenin'

1:30:04 > 1:30:07# All over this land

1:30:07 > 1:30:10# I'd ring out danger

1:30:10 > 1:30:12# I'd ring out a warning

1:30:12 > 1:30:13# I'd ring out

1:30:13 > 1:30:16# Love between my brothers and my sisters

1:30:16 > 1:30:18# All over

1:30:18 > 1:30:21# This land

1:30:21 > 1:30:22# Ooh

1:30:22 > 1:30:25# If I had a song

1:30:25 > 1:30:28# I'd sing it in the morning

1:30:28 > 1:30:30# I'd sing it in the evenin'

1:30:30 > 1:30:32# All over this land

1:30:32 > 1:30:35# I'd sing out danger

1:30:35 > 1:30:37# I'd sing out a warning

1:30:37 > 1:30:39# I'd sing out love

1:30:39 > 1:30:42# Between my brothers and my sisters

1:30:42 > 1:30:44# All over

1:30:44 > 1:30:46# This land. #

1:30:48 > 1:30:50BARRIS: Dear Penny...

1:30:50 > 1:30:52this is just a note to say

1:30:52 > 1:30:54that I'm sorry...

1:30:54 > 1:30:57for all of it.

1:30:57 > 1:30:59You were the best part of my life,

1:30:59 > 1:31:02and I couldn't see it.

1:31:02 > 1:31:04I'm not asking for another chance...

1:31:06 > 1:31:08Just for your forgiveness.

1:31:10 > 1:31:11Love, Chuck.

1:31:21 > 1:31:22KNOCK ON DOOR

1:31:30 > 1:31:32Well...

1:31:32 > 1:31:34look who comes out of hiding.

1:31:35 > 1:31:37CHUCK: I started thinking, Trish,

1:31:37 > 1:31:39you're the only woman in the world who really...

1:31:39 > 1:31:40who really knows me.

1:31:40 > 1:31:43I know I screwed you over in the past,

1:31:43 > 1:31:46and I'm...I'm sorry. I...

1:31:46 > 1:31:48PIANO CONCERTO PLAYS

1:31:49 > 1:31:51I just want you to know that...

1:31:55 > 1:31:58..I hate myself for how...

1:31:58 > 1:31:59Goddamn, I hate myself

1:31:59 > 1:32:02for how I lived, Trish.

1:32:03 > 1:32:06PATRICIA: Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself

1:32:06 > 1:32:09still respects oneself as one who despises.

1:32:10 > 1:32:12Shit, I never thought of that.

1:32:12 > 1:32:15I can't even despise myself with any insight.

1:32:15 > 1:32:18The insane asylums are filled with people

1:32:18 > 1:32:20who think they're Jesus or Satan.

1:32:20 > 1:32:23Very few have delusions of being

1:32:23 > 1:32:25a guy down the block

1:32:25 > 1:32:27who works for an insurance company.

1:32:29 > 1:32:31All right.

1:32:32 > 1:32:35What is this stuff?

1:32:35 > 1:32:37You know, I wanted to be a writer once.

1:32:37 > 1:32:39I wanted to... write something

1:32:39 > 1:32:41that someday some lesser person would quote,

1:32:41 > 1:32:42but I never did.

1:32:42 > 1:32:45I'm the lesser person, Trish.

1:32:45 > 1:32:47I never say anything meaningful

1:32:47 > 1:32:50that wasn't said by somebody else first.

1:32:50 > 1:32:52I am disposable.

1:32:52 > 1:32:56I disposed of people, and I'm disposable.

1:32:59 > 1:33:02You know, I've been thinking about you

1:33:02 > 1:33:03a lot lately, Chuck.

1:33:03 > 1:33:05Oh, yeah? Mmm.

1:33:05 > 1:33:06CHUCKLES

1:33:06 > 1:33:08I've missed you.

1:33:08 > 1:33:10Well, you could have fooled me.

1:33:10 > 1:33:12Well, I've mellowed.

1:33:12 > 1:33:13CHUCKLES

1:33:13 > 1:33:16Look, Boston is a beautiful city.

1:33:16 > 1:33:18We could start over here,

1:33:18 > 1:33:20normal life together.

1:33:20 > 1:33:22Sell insurance.

1:33:22 > 1:33:24LAUGHS

1:33:24 > 1:33:25Yeah! That sounds good.

1:33:25 > 1:33:28That sounds right.

1:33:30 > 1:33:32Look at that.

1:33:32 > 1:33:35I could learn to love that skyline.

1:33:36 > 1:33:39Did you see I got your picture framed?

1:33:39 > 1:33:40Oh, yeah? Where?

1:33:40 > 1:33:42Look.

1:33:42 > 1:33:43Oh, hot dog!

1:33:46 > 1:33:47To life.

1:33:49 > 1:33:50To life.

1:34:01 > 1:34:03You devil.

1:34:03 > 1:34:05Isn't that sweet?

1:34:05 > 1:34:06Oh...

1:34:08 > 1:34:10Hey, what about splitting our time in...

1:34:10 > 1:34:12in New York?

1:34:14 > 1:34:16Fuck. I just bit...

1:34:16 > 1:34:18It's just a... GAGS

1:34:18 > 1:34:21GAGGING

1:34:32 > 1:34:34GASPING, GRUNTING

1:34:34 > 1:34:35No, that's too quick.

1:34:35 > 1:34:37You're supposed to get to the bathroom

1:34:37 > 1:34:39and throw up first.

1:34:39 > 1:34:42God, Chuck, you should have seen Oliver's face.

1:34:42 > 1:34:44It was just... Well...

1:34:44 > 1:34:45if I do say so myself.

1:34:45 > 1:34:48I got a nice snapshot of it, actually.

1:34:48 > 1:34:49Mmm...

1:34:49 > 1:34:51You know, Keeler was easy.

1:34:51 > 1:34:52Travelled halfway around the world

1:34:52 > 1:34:54for a night with me.

1:34:54 > 1:34:56Hmm...

1:34:56 > 1:34:58PANTING

1:34:58 > 1:34:59OK...

1:34:59 > 1:35:01Let's see...

1:35:01 > 1:35:03GRUNTS

1:35:03 > 1:35:05Chuck...you've put on weight.

1:35:07 > 1:35:09Come on.

1:35:09 > 1:35:11I nearly blew it with Byrd.

1:35:11 > 1:35:14Never farm out a job that you should do yourself.

1:35:14 > 1:35:16Do you want a laugh?

1:35:16 > 1:35:18He thought you were the mole.

1:35:18 > 1:35:20He was going to kill you.

1:35:20 > 1:35:21What an idiot.

1:35:23 > 1:35:24"I'm not at all the person

1:35:24 > 1:35:26"you and I took me for."

1:35:26 > 1:35:28Hmm. Sounds like an epitaph.

1:35:28 > 1:35:30Your handwriting, too.

1:35:30 > 1:35:33You see, Chuck, I save everything...

1:35:33 > 1:35:35All of your lovely notes. Mmm.

1:35:35 > 1:35:37LABOURED BREATHING

1:35:37 > 1:35:39You know what?

1:35:40 > 1:35:43I like Carlyle best, too.

1:35:43 > 1:35:45I really do. Yeah.

1:35:45 > 1:35:47Say hi to the boys when you see 'em.

1:35:53 > 1:35:54Ooh...

1:35:55 > 1:35:56Oh...

1:36:50 > 1:36:51To life.

1:36:51 > 1:36:52CLINK

1:36:57 > 1:37:01PIANO CONCERTO CONTINUES

1:37:48 > 1:37:51BARRIS: My name is Charles Hirsch Barris.

1:37:51 > 1:37:53I have written pop songs.

1:37:53 > 1:37:57I have been a television producer.

1:37:57 > 1:38:00I am responsible for polluting the air waves

1:38:00 > 1:38:04with mind-numbing, puerile entertainment.

1:38:04 > 1:38:09In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings.

1:38:29 > 1:38:32JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: we have come here today

1:38:32 > 1:38:35to join Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris

1:38:35 > 1:38:37In holy matrimony.

1:38:37 > 1:38:40You all know Chuck Barris,

1:38:40 > 1:38:43creator of The Dating Game, The Newlywed Game,

1:38:43 > 1:38:45The Family Game,

1:38:45 > 1:38:47The Game Game,

1:38:47 > 1:38:50Dream Girl Of 1968,

1:38:50 > 1:38:52Operation Entertainment,

1:38:52 > 1:38:54How's Your Mother-In-Law,

1:38:54 > 1:38:56and many others.

1:38:56 > 1:38:59Chuck Barris, who most recently brought us such hits

1:38:59 > 1:39:01as The Rah-Rah Show,

1:39:01 > 1:39:04The 1.98 Beauty Show,

1:39:04 > 1:39:07The Gong Show.

1:39:07 > 1:39:09Oh! Chuck Barris...

1:39:09 > 1:39:12who I'm sure will be back soon

1:39:12 > 1:39:17with even more shows that will stimulate and educate

1:39:17 > 1:39:20and keep us on the edge of our seats.

1:39:20 > 1:39:23BELL TOLLS

1:39:27 > 1:39:29CHEERING

1:39:51 > 1:39:52MAN: Whoo!

1:39:52 > 1:39:54Congratulations!

1:39:54 > 1:39:55Hey...

1:39:55 > 1:39:57Oh, thanks, thanks.

1:39:57 > 1:39:59Thanks.

1:39:59 > 1:40:04BELL TOLLS

1:40:06 > 1:40:09INAUDIBLE

1:40:21 > 1:40:23Danny, drive now!

1:40:23 > 1:40:24TYRES SCREECH

1:40:26 > 1:40:27Bye!

1:40:27 > 1:40:29Penny, there's something I gotta...

1:40:29 > 1:40:30I gotta confess,

1:40:30 > 1:40:31something I gotta tell ya.

1:40:31 > 1:40:33Listen up, Penny.

1:40:33 > 1:40:35You've known me for a long time...

1:40:35 > 1:40:37AS JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: As the host of

1:40:37 > 1:40:38The Dating Game, The Gong Show,

1:40:38 > 1:40:40Rah-Rah Show...

1:40:40 > 1:40:41Yeah, yeah, listen, listen, listen...

1:40:41 > 1:40:43I work...

1:40:43 > 1:40:46I work for the CIA. You understand?

1:40:46 > 1:40:47And I kill people.

1:40:47 > 1:40:50I killed a lo...

1:40:50 > 1:40:51I killed a lot of people.

1:40:51 > 1:40:53You understand?

1:40:53 > 1:40:56I killed a lot of people.

1:40:59 > 1:41:01Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

1:41:13 > 1:41:15BOTH LAUGH

1:41:23 > 1:41:27BARRIS: 'I came up with a new game show idea recently.

1:41:27 > 1:41:30'It's called The Old Game.'#

1:41:30 > 1:41:35You got three old guys with loaded guns on stage,

1:41:35 > 1:41:38they look back at their lives,

1:41:38 > 1:41:43see who they were, what they accomplished...

1:41:43 > 1:41:47how close they came to realising their dreams.

1:41:50 > 1:41:53The winner...

1:41:53 > 1:41:57is the one who doesn't blow his brains out.

1:41:57 > 1:42:01He gets a refrigerator.

1:42:08 > 1:42:11# There's no business like show business

1:42:11 > 1:42:16# Like no business I know

1:42:16 > 1:42:20# Everything about it is appealing

1:42:20 > 1:42:22# Everything the traffic will allow

1:42:22 > 1:42:25# Nowhere can you get that happy feeling

1:42:25 > 1:42:30# When you are stealing that extra bow

1:42:30 > 1:42:34# There's no people like show people

1:42:34 > 1:42:38# They smile when they are low

1:42:38 > 1:42:41# Even with a turkey that you know will fold

1:42:41 > 1:42:45# You may be stranded out in the cold

1:42:45 > 1:42:49# Still, you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold

1:42:49 > 1:42:52# Let's go on with the show... #