0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28What's this place call itself?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31It's called the Britain, Generalissimo.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36And the people - they're rough?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Rough? No.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40No! They're mad!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43They shave all over the body.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45They got justa moustaches.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- 20 mile you say?- Si.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53And the women!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Caesar, the women!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58They fight like-a the mens.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- The ladies like-a to fight?- Si.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Get the ships.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12This I gotta see.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Launch the ships! We go to the fight.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Hey! HEY!! Oh!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53'But Caesar did not reckon on fighting the Dubunni,
0:02:53 > 0:02:58'a tribe famed worldwide for their Celtic kick and their digging.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03'And he did not reckon on fighting my sisters.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06'The eldest, Princess Dwyfuc, noble and brave.'
0:03:06 > 0:03:08HORN BLARES
0:03:08 > 0:03:11'And babyless.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15'The middle child, Smirgut the Fierce, whom we never speak of.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20'For various reasons. And me, Worthaboutapig.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25'Though, admittedly, I was probably less of a threat.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29'But I was immensely popular in the village.'
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Hi, guys, how are we today?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Go away!
0:03:32 > 0:03:33'With the animals!'
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Good, good.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38- Morning!- Argh!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Morning!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Nice top. Argh!
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Sorry!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03'I was a career bee herd.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05'Did I tell you that?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07'I loved my job.
0:04:09 > 0:04:15'I was working on hypnotising the bees with a special language I had invented.'
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Bahnala ornan assida gwynach!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21'And then borrow their honey.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24'They do everything I say.'
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Ow! Ow! Ow!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Ow! Ow! Ow!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Ow! OW!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Ow! Ooh. Ooh!
0:04:37 > 0:04:42'I remember that day was the day of the husband trials, and all the men were gorgeous!'
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I am Drith, son of Froth of the Golden Knees.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50My arm is smooth.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51From my mighty organ,
0:04:51 > 0:04:55a great white river flows, both in the morning and at night.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Always, my big moustache tastes of pork.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Ooh, Drith's back.- Thank you.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Is this the last batch?- Mm.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Seen anyone you fancy?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- Name?- Vissel.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Seems a better standard than last year.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Please!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35HE BREAKS WIND
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Next!
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I'd have done him! For the prestige.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Imagine it - I'd be Mrs Hairy Geordie Woman!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- I'd be somebody!- Worthaboutapig! - Yes, sorry.- My problems first.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Of course.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02This is Cax of the Belgae, ma'am.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Nice shoes.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Excuse me. What's wrong with him?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10He doesn't speak.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13What is it actually about men that you don't like?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Look at them - the flower of British manhood!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20And the whole smooth thing - it's all wrong!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Their hair's in the wrong place.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25You can't have sex with a man like that. It's like...
0:06:25 > 0:06:30- kissing a seal.- I'm never gonna live that down, am I? Twice! Twice!!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33The first time was a dare.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Princess!
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Princess Dwyfuc. Come quick!
0:06:37 > 0:06:42There's a foreigner come, with huge, great big, hairy, wandering hands!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Make way for Princess Dwyfuc. - Morning!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Hello, all. Morning, all.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Hello, Mrs thingy-basket-woman.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51How's the disease? Good.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Hello, you poorly little chap.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- How's the croup?- Make way!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Princess coming through! Ow!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Ooh, look! A Gaul!
0:07:02 > 0:07:07Isn't he Gaulean, Dwyfuc, Gaulean! Unusual.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Sister, don't talk to me in front of the people!
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Sorry. Forgot.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Ye Gods!
0:07:43 > 0:07:46It's detachable!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Not for me.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49He's all yours.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52What? Mine?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Mine?! What, really?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59The Queen! The Queen!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01All hail our Queen!
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Where am I? What's going on?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04We're outside now, ma'am.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09You stand before Great Queen Tuathfhlaifthfth of the Dubonni.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- Eldest daughter? - Yes, almighty Queen.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Stop licking my arse.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Our land stretches from farthest west to distant east.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24From over there to over there.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Mighty are we, and none do we fear.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30He can't understand! He's a Gaul!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Well, fetch the one who knows the language of the Gauls!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Yes!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Bonjour...
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Monsieur.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Hm?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Sorry...a little slower.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03The novels.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08He comes from a land of giant cakes.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12I know what he's saying, he says the Romans have landed.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Ssh, Pig, don't think he did.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Romans! Here?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Where?
0:09:22 > 0:09:27- In Kent. Les Kents. - Did you say "the Kents"?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Oui.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31The Romans are attacking the Kents!
0:09:33 > 0:09:37ALL: Yeah!!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39We hate the Kents.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Look after him, sister.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I've got a husband to find.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Knickers...
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Stinky stuff...
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Welcome to my humble home.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Oh, isn't it hot?! I'll light a fire... No.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03This is my bed.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08This is where I sleep. This is how I sleep...
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Me Worthaboutapig.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22You?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Jean...
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Marcosivellauniviromandiboule.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31What a big name!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Have a look at your arm...
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Slap some honey on that.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Before bed.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Oh, why do I find it so easy to talk to you?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53It must be my lucky night.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59I'm not meant to be lucky. I...
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Was born...
0:11:02 > 0:11:05On the shortest day.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07You see?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09That's why I'm an outcast.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11An outsider.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Like you.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Ow!- Oh, sorry.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24You, me - jiggy, jiggy, jiggy?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yes?
0:11:26 > 0:11:27I'll be that one.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Do you like what you see?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Be gentle with me, but use your own judgment.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39HORN BLARES
0:11:39 > 0:11:40- Erm, ignore that...- Ce qui..?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43It's nothing. It's just the alarm.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45OK. Oh!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Where... Where are your tits?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Where are they?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Toward the East!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06To the hill fort!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10We don't have a hill fort.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Don't go to the hill fort!
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Shh! Shh! Shh! Do you guys want to keep it down a bit?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20It's a very big day for me.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- Pig!- Yes? - The Romans are here.- Lovely.- HELP ME!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- Did you? - We started to, then he said I had boring breasts and just nodded off.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I think he had rather a bad crossing.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32The Romans arre here.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37- Give them to me!- No, Ma'am...
0:12:37 > 0:12:39You're wrong. The war is over there.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- No, Ma'am, no... - Can you give me the reins?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Great Queen...- I command you!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Ma'am... - SHE SHOUTS IN CELTIC
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- I'm doing the driving! - No, please...- No, no, no!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52No, people! To the east!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54To the east! To the east!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Follow me!
0:13:04 > 0:13:08To the east! To the east!
0:13:13 > 0:13:17And so the Dubonet charged west towards the bogs, while Dwyfuc and a
0:13:17 > 0:13:22small band of ex-boyfriends go east to face the mighty Romans alone.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- General?- Si?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37A message from Caesar,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40from a place is called Kent.
0:14:40 > 0:14:47He says they cannot find a safe harbour for the ships and we must return at once to the fleet.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Pity.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51It's a nice country.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56We take-a the fighting lady, put her in the wagon. Come on. She could be useful later.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Oh, shut up, will you? She's not dead!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14My daughter has been taken by the Romanians!
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Romans, Great Queen.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18We must ask the gods what we must do.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Fetch the One Who Talks With The Gods.
0:15:30 > 0:15:38One Who Talks with the Gods, tell us of Dwyfuc, my daughter, future Queen of the Dubonet.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Show us what cannot be seen.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Urgh, there!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Well, what do you see?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I see blood,
0:15:53 > 0:15:59- guts and gore.- And Dwyfuc?
0:15:59 > 0:16:04They have taken her and left...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Her shield.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13We knew this! Look at it!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Tell us something new!
0:16:16 > 0:16:24They are taking her back across the water, to their own land.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Where does it say that?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- Just there.- Oh. Oh, yes. She must be rescued.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Dwyfuc must be rescued.
0:16:31 > 0:16:38If she is not brought home when I pass to the other world, it will be the idiot one who shall be Queen.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Who is... All right, all right.
0:16:41 > 0:16:48- Who will undertake this almost certainly pointless and fatal mission to Romania?- Rome, Great Queen.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Who shall rescue Dwyfuc,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53my daughter?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- I will.- I will!- I will!
0:16:58 > 0:17:03I will! I will rescue her!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I will rescue Dwyfuc! I...
0:17:05 > 0:17:10The Unlucky One has been the loudest. Worthaboutapig shall go to Bucharest.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Worthaboutapig shall rescue Dwyfuc!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig!
0:17:19 > 0:17:26Actually, I thought about this overnight and I don't know how practical this really is.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- The gods will protect her.- Yes!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Sure. Sure. I just feel I'm...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38not really the hero type.
0:17:38 > 0:17:44And I suppose it's partly finally finding a boyfriend makes me
0:17:44 > 0:17:48reluctant to go at this particular juncture. I mean, will he wait?
0:17:59 > 0:18:04Goodbye! Goodbye! Have a nice trip! Left hand up the hill!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Right, everyone. Back to work.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17MY LOVE!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I... I go!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26But I shall return, with my sister.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32SNIFFS Ugh!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35And more arresting breasts.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40..to somehow get bigger breasts, and it's going to be fine.
0:18:40 > 0:18:46SHE SOBS
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I don't even know where Rome is.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Shit!
0:18:55 > 0:19:00- Gods, I need your help. - You're not kidding!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Are you from the other world?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I'm Andrasta, Goddess of Victory.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Yes!
0:19:16 > 0:19:21Your mission... to save your sister is hopeless.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23You have another sister,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Smirgut the Fierce.
0:19:29 > 0:19:36- We do not speak of her. - You do not speak of her because there is bad blood between her and Dwyfuc.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38See, Smirgut had this bucket of blood that she was going to use
0:19:38 > 0:19:40for pudding, but then she left it in the sun and it went off,
0:19:40 > 0:19:45and Dwyfuc accidentally tipped it over her head, so Smirgut was absolutely livid.
0:19:45 > 0:19:52It is only by Smirgut that your fate can be turned, and even then you must persuade her to help you.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55But they hate each other,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57and she lives in the north.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02With the Brigante and they're really, really rough, and they talk like that,
0:20:02 > 0:20:07and they wear their manes long at the back, like a mullet. And they've
0:20:07 > 0:20:09got three nipples.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22Oh! I'm looking for someone called Smirgut.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24No, I'm her sister.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I think we must be close.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58LOUD MUSIC
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Don't ever touch my pint, you lanky git!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Pig?!
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Is it really you?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06You've really picked up the accent.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Fuck off! You haven't changed.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12I know. How's the drinking? Any...incidents?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14None. Clean.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Right off it. Don't touch it.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Not even tempted.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24- I nearly lost my gooseberry! - You didn't?! Who?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Oh, not old Squintygreenteeth the Pigman?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29No! God! No!
0:22:30 > 0:22:34No. No, he chucked me. With a Gaul.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Yeah. Nearly got lucky for once.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39How's Mummy?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Fine.- And...
0:22:44 > 0:22:46And that stuck-up bitch of a sister?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Dead, I hope.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52No. She's fine.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Pity!
0:22:54 > 0:22:58I would have written, but no alphabet. Or paper.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59What's the matter?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I said the thing which is not true.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Lied?- Yes.
0:23:05 > 0:23:12Some Romans came, you see, and that's why I'm here, because they...
0:23:12 > 0:23:14They took away...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16They took... They took away...
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Mummy?!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Yes.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27We'll head for the coast.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29The druid there does boats and prophecies.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34- Be back later, love! Ta-ta, children!- Bye, Mum!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Don't eat the pets.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Blow that when we get to a corner. That's not a corner!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Sorry, I was confused.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- It was your accent.- Shut it!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48# I've got a little Gaul... #
0:23:55 > 0:23:57It's nice, this. We can have a girly chat.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Shut it, you demented pixie!
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Nice parking!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08OK, Gareth, you stay.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Stay, and guard the boat. Stay.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- Good.- I'm gonna eat that goose.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18So would you say you're more hard since you went up north?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Yeah, fuckin' hard as nails, me.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Brilliant. Those Romans better watch out for you!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Woah... Oh, I didn't realise it was gonna be that big.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35You could beat that, though, couldn't you?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38No! No! We mustn't alert them!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Right, we're gonna have to be very, very clever.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52A disguise?
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Something Continental. Agh!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Just airing my slave.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14If you do that again, I'm going to maim you.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Sorry!
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- What are they building? - Amphitheatre.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Oh, I wonder what's playing.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Turks.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Must be the German quarter.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Look out.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Bollocks.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Swedes.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Fake money?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41No thanks, got a big bag full.
0:25:45 > 0:25:52That is not fair, here we are all cosy and poor Dwyfuc's being poked with Romans.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56We're coming to get you, Dwyfuc,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58don't despair.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Coming to get you.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Oh, Lofacta. All this luxury.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Is it right?
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Sometimes I think to myself, why should I be the lucky one?
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Then a little voice says, "Fuck it!"
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- What's for dinner? I could eat a horse. - Horse, with a sauce.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Excellent, who's coming?
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Any celebs?
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Prefect Grassus.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Oh, what a tit.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42General Rhinus with the ex-gladiator Rosalius Crocus.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- Ooh!- He's a friend.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49- Oh.- Oh, what do I fuck? Now the legions are back from Germany,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51we'll find you a husband, I promise.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Nobody wants a British princess.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Just because I'm a bit rough round the edges.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00It takes time to adapt to foreign ways, my dear.
0:27:00 > 0:27:06Even for us Gaulish women, the invasion was a terrible shock. It took some of us days.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Morning.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17These are actually rather good, you know.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22I don't suppose you also remember the last thing you said before we went to sleep, do you?
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Nighty night?
0:27:30 > 0:27:37Oh, yes, no, yes, I said how this morning, we'd get up and rescue Dwyf...
0:27:43 > 0:27:49I was saying how this morning we would go and rescue Mummy.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56- No, you didn't.- I did. Didn't I?
0:27:56 > 0:28:01You said Dwyfuc.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Really?
0:28:02 > 0:28:08Oh. Could you hold that a moment?
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Shift.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Here, love, are you being chased?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39In here, it's all right, we're British.
0:28:40 > 0:28:47You see, the smell of the soap is totally covered by the cannabis.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49No soap tax. Genius, eh?
0:28:49 > 0:28:51She needs a place to hide.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Does she?
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Hi.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58I'm Worthaboutapig.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00What an absolute treasure trove.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04- Worth less than a pig? - No, Worthaboutapig.
0:29:04 > 0:29:09I'm sorry to be a picky poo. It is about a pig, never ever less.
0:29:09 > 0:29:14- I'm worth about a pig.- Yes, well, we'll be the judge of that.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19Have a pull on that, look, it's a local custom.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Thanks. When in Rome.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27No, no.
0:29:27 > 0:29:28Oh, sorry.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40- HIGH VOICE: - Hey, I feel fantastic. Have never felt so good in my whole life.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56- Where is she?- Who?
0:29:58 > 0:30:00She bleeding hit me.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04- Who hit you?- That bird out there.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Did you hit him? What did you hit him for?
0:30:07 > 0:30:08Yes, tough bird, are you? Come on, then.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12- Oh Kents.- Kents, is it?
0:30:12 > 0:30:13Come on, you heard me.
0:30:23 > 0:30:24Come with me.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28You'll have to kill me first.
0:30:28 > 0:30:34You scheming miserable little shit.
0:30:51 > 0:30:52Mother!
0:31:14 > 0:31:19And these British women, they even have the hair and they
0:31:19 > 0:31:21have the armours.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Oh general, you rascal.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Lady soldiers give me a hard on.
0:31:27 > 0:31:32You pretty, you gave us quite a scare.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34Well, we do love a bit of a hack.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36When we invade again, it will be a different story.
0:31:36 > 0:31:41If it wasn't for this storm that broke up the ships,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Britain would already be ours.
0:31:48 > 0:31:49Let's eat.
0:31:57 > 0:32:02So, tell us more, Principessa of Britain.
0:32:15 > 0:32:20Ah, lovely. B, not C, B, B, B, for Britain.
0:32:20 > 0:32:27One could never tell you were once barbarian.
0:32:30 > 0:32:36But tell me, did you never fear when you were first taken by us beastly Romans
0:32:36 > 0:32:40that you would never again know the status of a princess?
0:32:40 > 0:32:44In my island, we have a saying.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47Class will out.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50FARTS
0:32:54 > 0:32:55FARTS MORE LUODLY
0:33:00 > 0:33:02FARTS EVEN MORE LOUDLY
0:33:08 > 0:33:11FARTS
0:33:12 > 0:33:16FARTS VERY LOUDLY
0:33:16 > 0:33:21You know we have a saying too - if the cat will not purr, it will be
0:33:21 > 0:33:25tortured until it does, or dies in agony.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29We Brits clearly have much to learn in the...
0:33:29 > 0:33:31proverb department.
0:33:31 > 0:33:37Si, and we Romans in other departmentitties.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41We probably have more departments ,
0:33:41 > 0:33:45we need much to have to learn... of.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Perhaps, perhaps not.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13No women here.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20I'd better go, then.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27- Just one thing.- What?
0:34:33 > 0:34:36Anything, a large one, no straw.
0:34:43 > 0:34:48Two pints of goat's milk, slightly on the turn,
0:34:48 > 0:34:49and a Pernod for the lady.
0:34:50 > 0:34:55- Picts?- Aye, southern scum.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03May your forest be levelled, your Highlands cleared of people,
0:35:03 > 0:35:09all your food fried in yesterday's fat and your country languish eternally under a southern yoke.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12May your empire decay, your country become a joke to all nations,
0:35:12 > 0:35:20riven with class division, forever ruled by ponces.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22Cheers.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25- Holiday or business? - We're ambassadors, hen.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Here to make a treaty against you lot. Will you join us?
0:35:28 > 0:35:31No.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33When I drink I can become violent,
0:35:33 > 0:35:37- Don't we all?- And rude.
0:35:37 > 0:35:38I don't want to talk about it.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42- What's the matter, hen? - I'm a Celtic Warrior.
0:35:42 > 0:35:46First class. A trained killer.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48My sister's been captured.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52Don't tell me, I know what it is.
0:35:52 > 0:35:56You have had the wee ones and you thought you could step back into the workplace again.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Yes, yes.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01- But it is not so easy, is it? - I can do the maiming.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05It is the killing, isn't it? You keep seeing their mothers, am I right?
0:36:05 > 0:36:08It was the same for her after we had wee Tiffany.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12You've just got to get back out there, girl, believe in yourself.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15Here, there is only one way to handle this.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19You've got to just drink your way through it.
0:36:21 > 0:36:26Oh, that horse has gone right through me.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28The best part of the evening, I always think.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32Ooh, thank you!
0:36:35 > 0:36:40I wonder what the men talk about when we're not there.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43Nothing I am sure to worry our pretty little heads about.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46We must discover a safer harbour for our ships.
0:36:46 > 0:36:51Why don't we just torture the heathen sow. Oh, let me,
0:36:51 > 0:36:53please, please, please.
0:36:53 > 0:37:00No. The pretties can be stubborn, very stupid, no, my way is the best.
0:37:00 > 0:37:05Quickly, run to the legion, bring me the soldier with the nicest arse.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09You are incorrigible.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Personally, I never listen to the rumours.
0:37:15 > 0:37:20Anyway I said, that's his business.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Lofacta told me that Dwyfuc requires a man.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25We shall find her one.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31Oh, and Crassus. I am not that way, do you understand?
0:37:31 > 0:37:36No, no, of course not because that would be Greek
0:37:36 > 0:37:38and we are...
0:37:38 > 0:37:39Romans.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Enough.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Gladiator.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02- Next.- Next?
0:38:06 > 0:38:08British.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Female.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13HE LAUGHS
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Excellent.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Perhaps now we see the famous Celtic kick.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Oh God!
0:38:29 > 0:38:32This is so provincial.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38I will guard the preparations for the game.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Most perfectly, General.
0:38:43 > 0:38:48Some of the local animals are not wild as we would like.
0:38:48 > 0:38:49And the Gladiators?
0:38:49 > 0:38:52Prima quality.
0:38:56 > 0:39:00Who is the top of the bill? You got Schlaffwaffe?
0:39:00 > 0:39:04Unfortunately, his agent has been a little bit difficult
0:39:04 > 0:39:08but we have some of our best lawyers on the case.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Look at me!
0:39:11 > 0:39:16OK. I go into town, I need different feathers for my helmet.
0:39:16 > 0:39:17GIRL SCREAMS
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Want anything?
0:39:19 > 0:39:20No.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22GIRL SCREAMS
0:39:22 > 0:39:24Come on, boys.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34We could put her up against the legless Kurd.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Make her a domestic.
0:39:39 > 0:39:44They said I did really well considering it was my first time and if I wanted, I could be a slave.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46I was delighted.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55Oh...the ennui!
0:39:58 > 0:40:01At home I would be in the open,
0:40:01 > 0:40:07hunting, riding, perhaps a little butchering in the afternoon.
0:40:07 > 0:40:08But here,
0:40:08 > 0:40:10what is there to do?
0:40:20 > 0:40:25If this ennui continues, I may have to retire early and have a little blanquette.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32HORN BLOWS
0:40:36 > 0:40:37Lady Lofacta.
0:40:37 > 0:40:44Dwyfuc! Let me introduce you to the centurion.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47The British princess.
0:40:47 > 0:40:48Won't you join us.
0:40:48 > 0:40:52GROWLING
0:40:54 > 0:41:00I mentioned to General Rhinus how nervous I have become of shopping outside the palace gates.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04I did not expect him to send someone so soon.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Unfortunately I have no time.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09A little man comes today to do my lice.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14I don't have any lice.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Lice are a sign of good living.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18They live only in the greenest air.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24I had a vole.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27My lice are always very big and healthy.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30They wintered down there and raised a small family.
0:41:30 > 0:41:31My lice sometimes wave at me.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33My vole used to wish me good night.
0:41:33 > 0:41:37"Good night, good night Princess Dwyfuc! Go to sleep!"
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Oh, why don't you go shopping with Rhinus?
0:41:53 > 0:41:55Now that would be hairy.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00Nice horn.
0:42:03 > 0:42:04Slave.
0:42:06 > 0:42:07Slave.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09SHE HUMS TO HERSELF
0:42:13 > 0:42:15- Slave.- Oh, sorry, I keep forgetting.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17There's a job for you, kitchen.
0:42:17 > 0:42:18Brill.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Thanks.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02Bloody Celts.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05A date to remember.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12GRAPE RICOCHETS
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Oh, Firmus.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20Why do I feel so happy?
0:43:22 > 0:43:27Because...you know tonight you get some.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31Yes, yes probably.
0:43:42 > 0:43:49And perhaps too you are happy because you are hot...
0:43:49 > 0:43:51like a candle.
0:43:51 > 0:43:56You know that after dinner I will pleasure you in 1,000 ways
0:43:56 > 0:44:01and leave your body like a pool of melted wax.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03Oh, Firmus,
0:44:04 > 0:44:06I do believe you're flirting.
0:44:08 > 0:44:10Let's go.
0:44:10 > 0:44:11GROWLING
0:44:20 > 0:44:21Do you need a lawyer?
0:44:22 > 0:44:29No, no? Good, I'm not a lawyer, I'm a legal exec, that's why I'm not in there. But I...
0:44:31 > 0:44:32No win, no fee?
0:44:41 > 0:44:43Get off.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55And she's back.
0:45:03 > 0:45:04FIGHTING OUTSIDE
0:45:04 > 0:45:06Noisy tonight.
0:45:15 > 0:45:17PURRING
0:45:17 > 0:45:21So, it's true what they say about Roman men.
0:45:21 > 0:45:25Yes, we are the world's fastest undressers.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47In between your knees.
0:45:51 > 0:45:53Oh, yes! Yes!
0:45:53 > 0:45:55Oh, my God!
0:45:57 > 0:46:02Yes! Actually just a touch less left hand.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04Ooooooh, my God!
0:46:09 > 0:46:12Eh, that's not as bad as it looks, you know.
0:46:17 > 0:46:22This part here remind me of a harbour
0:46:22 > 0:46:25in the way it is shaped.
0:46:25 > 0:46:29You have such things in Britain?
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Yes, we do.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34And where would such harbours be?
0:46:34 > 0:46:37A deep one, where, for instance,
0:46:37 > 0:46:44a sailor might come in very, very close, unload his little boat.
0:46:44 > 0:46:47Yeah, keep talking like that... with the actions, yeah.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50There's one in...
0:46:50 > 0:46:52Yes, there's one in...?
0:46:52 > 0:46:55Yes, there's one in...
0:46:55 > 0:46:56Yes!
0:46:56 > 0:46:58Yes, yes?
0:46:58 > 0:47:03Yes, yes, yes....in Deal, in Deal!
0:47:03 > 0:47:04There's one in Deal!
0:47:04 > 0:47:07And where is Deal?
0:47:07 > 0:47:10It's just between Sandwich and Rams...
0:47:10 > 0:47:12SQUELCHING ...gate!
0:47:13 > 0:47:16Right, my turn. Roll over.
0:47:16 > 0:47:19Pig? Pig?
0:47:27 > 0:47:28SHE SCREAMS
0:47:35 > 0:47:37I think we can claim for this.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44Cold? I am, too.
0:47:44 > 0:47:46Tired? I am, too.
0:47:46 > 0:47:48Wholewheat? Good choice.
0:47:48 > 0:47:50LOUD, DESPERATE SCREAMS OUTSIDE
0:47:57 > 0:48:00- Pig!- Ah.
0:48:00 > 0:48:02Yes?
0:48:02 > 0:48:05Please don't hit me.
0:48:05 > 0:48:07Oh, OK.
0:48:12 > 0:48:15Was that you upstairs?
0:48:15 > 0:48:17Quite messy now in the mosaicry.
0:48:17 > 0:48:21I wonder if you might get me out of this.
0:48:21 > 0:48:24I can't. It's off my remit. I'm strictly cleaning and errands.
0:48:27 > 0:48:32I like being a slave. I've got parameters and a sense of belonging. And I've had something called a bath.
0:48:32 > 0:48:35See, this is the invidious nature of the slave system.
0:48:35 > 0:48:39The individual feels gratitude towards the oppressor for removing
0:48:39 > 0:48:41inherent conflicts of the liberated self.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44Now, this could take about 2,000 years to work through.
0:48:46 > 0:48:48Try a slap.
0:48:52 > 0:48:55I'm cured.
0:48:57 > 0:48:59SHE CRIES HYSTERICALLY
0:48:59 > 0:49:02What's the matter now?
0:49:02 > 0:49:04I mean, what's the point of it all, you know?
0:49:04 > 0:49:06And what are we all ultimately doing here anyway?
0:49:06 > 0:49:09Uh, we're here to save Dwyfuc.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Who is?
0:49:11 > 0:49:13We are.
0:49:15 > 0:49:17- Both of us?- Yes!
0:49:21 > 0:49:25Yes, and it was the most fortunate timing, Caesar.
0:49:25 > 0:49:32We have just this moment secured the intelligence Your Excellency has been desiring.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35Ah, a harbour at last.
0:49:35 > 0:49:37You've done well, Rhinus.
0:49:37 > 0:49:39We invade Britain tomorrow.
0:49:44 > 0:49:47Let's rescue the cow and get home.
0:49:51 > 0:49:55So it is true what they say about British women.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59Gravy on everything.
0:49:59 > 0:50:01Oh, in my country, we have a saying, you know.
0:50:01 > 0:50:03Oh, what is that?
0:50:03 > 0:50:05More gravy.
0:50:07 > 0:50:11Ah, such a mysterious people.
0:50:11 > 0:50:14I have never before made love like that,
0:50:14 > 0:50:19stopping only on the hour, every hour for meat.
0:50:19 > 0:50:20SHE BLOWS KISSES
0:50:23 > 0:50:26No, basta, I cannot bear it.
0:50:26 > 0:50:29My Gods, how could I?
0:50:29 > 0:50:31And to the only woman
0:50:31 > 0:50:34who, in the act of love,
0:50:34 > 0:50:37has made the tears run down my cheeks.
0:50:37 > 0:50:39It's all the hair.
0:50:39 > 0:50:42- There's gonna be chafing. - No, no, no, no, no.
0:50:42 > 0:50:43You do not understand.
0:50:43 > 0:50:48Tomorrow I rejoin my legion, we invade your country.
0:50:48 > 0:50:53I only make love to you so you reveal a harbour for our ships.
0:50:53 > 0:50:55That's why all of the moves,
0:50:55 > 0:50:58all of the...business downstairs.
0:50:58 > 0:51:03My, at times almost unnatural withholding of personal release.
0:51:03 > 0:51:06Mmmm, now, that's a relief. I thought you had a block in.
0:51:08 > 0:51:10Reveal a harbour?
0:51:12 > 0:51:14So you mean it was all a...
0:51:15 > 0:51:18Even when you did that...thing with your...?
0:51:18 > 0:51:20BELL TINGLES
0:51:20 > 0:51:21Mmm.
0:51:22 > 0:51:25You faked my orgasm!
0:51:29 > 0:51:32Well, I only wanted you for your seed.
0:51:32 > 0:51:35And now I've got it, so...ha!
0:51:35 > 0:51:40Er... No, no, but I...
0:51:40 > 0:51:43I-I never...
0:51:48 > 0:51:49Get out.
0:51:51 > 0:51:53Get...out!
0:51:58 > 0:52:00SHE STARTS TO CRY
0:52:06 > 0:52:07HE SPEAKS LATIN
0:52:13 > 0:52:15Pig?
0:52:15 > 0:52:18- Dwyfuc.- Pig!
0:52:18 > 0:52:24- Oh! Oh!- I can't believe it.- Pig!
0:52:24 > 0:52:26Look who I've brought.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28Look, it's Smirgut.
0:52:32 > 0:52:33Said I'll rescue her.
0:52:33 > 0:52:38- Don't have to talk to her. - Sorry, beg your pardon. It's just your accent. I can't quite...
0:52:38 > 0:52:39SMIRGUT GROWLS
0:52:39 > 0:52:40Look, will you stop it!
0:52:40 > 0:52:46- Ewww.- Dwyfuc, someone's told the Romans where they can land their boats.- What?!?
0:52:46 > 0:52:48What kind of idiot did such a thing?
0:52:48 > 0:52:54What a stupid, stupid, silly, silly, kind of stupid,
0:52:54 > 0:52:57kind of, sort of, slipped out, did a kind of silly, stupid thing?
0:52:57 > 0:52:59Oh...
0:52:59 > 0:53:01Oh, Dwyfuc!
0:53:02 > 0:53:05I'm afraid I've been rather a silly Sue.
0:53:05 > 0:53:07Oh, I've got to get back in one try.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09Yes, we've got to get back in one try.
0:53:09 > 0:53:12Yeah, we've got to get back in... No, no. You go.
0:53:12 > 0:53:14No, I'm not going. I don't want to.
0:53:14 > 0:53:16Errr, I'm very important here.
0:53:16 > 0:53:18They've named a cake after me.
0:53:18 > 0:53:20And a washing-up utensil.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23I've got a mural. I need to be here, I need to, I...
0:53:23 > 0:53:25Oh, my God!
0:53:25 > 0:53:27She's fallen in love.
0:53:27 > 0:53:29No, I haven't!
0:53:29 > 0:53:31Help!
0:53:31 > 0:53:33Ridiculous.
0:53:35 > 0:53:37Lofacta!
0:53:37 > 0:53:38My friend!
0:53:38 > 0:53:41This is Lofacta, my best friend.
0:53:41 > 0:53:44These are my sisters, Pig, the Runt.
0:53:44 > 0:53:45How do you do?
0:53:47 > 0:53:49Nice to meet you.
0:53:49 > 0:53:52And Smirgut.
0:53:52 > 0:53:53The Fierce.
0:53:53 > 0:53:55SMIRGUT GROWLS
0:53:55 > 0:53:57You've got great breasts!
0:53:57 > 0:54:00Gaulish women in general have, I mean.
0:54:00 > 0:54:01I haven't.
0:54:04 > 0:54:06Oh, I was telling them about my mural.
0:54:06 > 0:54:10- Oh, you have not seen?- No.
0:54:10 > 0:54:12Come, come, come!
0:54:12 > 0:54:16There's me being captured.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19And there's me entertaining the rich and famous.
0:54:19 > 0:54:23There's me having coitus.
0:54:23 > 0:54:27But even you, Dwyfuc, have not seen the final one.
0:54:33 > 0:54:36Yes, now you have betrayed your country
0:54:36 > 0:54:39and the Romans have what they want, they're going to execute you.
0:54:41 > 0:54:43I thought you liked me.
0:54:43 > 0:54:45Liked you? "Oh, I can eat anything.
0:54:45 > 0:54:49"I don't get fat." I hope you die slowly, you bitch!
0:54:49 > 0:54:51Now piss off!
0:54:51 > 0:54:52I want to go home.
0:54:57 > 0:54:58Well, come on!
0:55:01 > 0:55:04Errr! What is that smell!?
0:55:06 > 0:55:08Yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
0:55:16 > 0:55:17Oh!
0:55:19 > 0:55:20Get down.
0:55:38 > 0:55:40ACCORDION MUSIC
0:55:43 > 0:55:46(Hey, I think I see a way of just walking out of here.)
0:55:46 > 0:55:48Rhino...
0:55:50 > 0:55:52Have you been shaving your leg?
0:55:52 > 0:55:55Absolutely not, sir.
0:56:05 > 0:56:06Why do they do it?
0:56:06 > 0:56:09Nobody knows. No-one speaks their language.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13Who's next?
0:56:13 > 0:56:14Pictish ambassadors.
0:56:14 > 0:56:17Ah, at last some real business.
0:56:22 > 0:56:26'Smirgut's plan was dazzling in its simplicity...perhaps too dazzling.'
0:56:32 > 0:56:35- All have piles.- Huh?
0:56:35 > 0:56:39- I suffer the same.- Ah, yes, it's the northern damp, you know.
0:56:39 > 0:56:40It's the terrible, terrible damp.
0:56:43 > 0:56:44Anyone for a treaty?
0:56:44 > 0:56:48You are the Pictish ambassadors?
0:56:48 > 0:56:50Oh, absolutely!
0:56:52 > 0:56:56So, you want treaty?
0:56:56 > 0:56:58Against the British?
0:56:58 > 0:57:00Oh, yeah. See, we abhor them.
0:57:00 > 0:57:02Pssst.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04Erm, excuse me for a minute, will you?
0:57:04 > 0:57:08(You dickhead!)
0:57:08 > 0:57:10(It's a trick question.)
0:57:10 > 0:57:13(Picts are British.)
0:57:13 > 0:57:15What are you saying, exactly?
0:57:15 > 0:57:18(Picts regards themselves as British.)
0:57:18 > 0:57:20Oh, fuck it!
0:57:20 > 0:57:25To seal our treaty against the British,
0:57:25 > 0:57:28perhaps you'd like to perform for us
0:57:28 > 0:57:31the famous Pictish Dance...
0:57:33 > 0:57:35of the Fish.
0:57:37 > 0:57:39Try and stop us.
0:57:39 > 0:57:41Aye, aye, the Dance of Fish.
0:57:44 > 0:57:45BAGPIPES PLAY
0:57:45 > 0:57:48The fish, the fish, the terrible fish.
0:57:48 > 0:57:52The fish, the fish, the terrible fish.
0:57:52 > 0:57:57With a cloudy eye. With a cloudy eye. It'll make you gag.
0:57:57 > 0:58:03Gag. Oooh. The fish, the fish, it goes with...pirates, aye!
0:58:03 > 0:58:08Crassus, I think we have another act for your games.
0:58:31 > 0:58:35It's the invasion. We've got to get out of here and warn the tribe.
0:58:35 > 0:58:38We must stick together.
0:58:38 > 0:58:41If we stick together, we live.
0:58:41 > 0:58:45Ooh, no one who ever died in a Roman arena ever thought of that one. Tch!
0:58:45 > 0:58:48- If you make that noise once more... - What noise? This noise? Tch!
0:58:48 > 0:58:50I think you'd both better come and look at this.
0:58:54 > 0:58:59They execute people in cold blood without even goading them.
0:58:59 > 0:59:01We may be barbarians, but we're not savages.
0:59:01 > 0:59:04Except on holidays!
0:59:17 > 0:59:18Mummy!
0:59:25 > 0:59:27Oh, hello, there. What happens now exactly?
0:59:27 > 0:59:29- Warm up.- Oh, great. Hold those?
0:59:29 > 0:59:34We have brought the British women forward in the programme, Generalissimo,
0:59:34 > 0:59:36so that you can make the morning time.
0:59:45 > 0:59:47Are you growing a beard?
0:59:47 > 0:59:49No.
0:59:51 > 0:59:53Open the gates!
1:00:17 > 1:00:20Ah, have mercy!
1:00:25 > 1:00:28Not that is a Goth!
1:00:34 > 1:00:36What scheiss hole is this?
1:00:36 > 1:00:38It's not even finished.
1:00:38 > 1:00:41- Bologna, your viciousness. - Who are they?
1:00:41 > 1:00:45British, oh cruel but technical one!
1:00:45 > 1:00:47For the benefit of Caesar.
1:00:52 > 1:00:54I think he saw me.
1:00:56 > 1:01:02To celebrate Caesar's invasion of their country, and to warm in your magnificent muscles.
1:01:02 > 1:01:05There's something odd about them.
1:01:07 > 1:01:09- They're women. - Ah, so those are women!
1:01:09 > 1:01:12I've seen women before.
1:01:12 > 1:01:15I like it. Give them swords!
1:01:20 > 1:01:22I must warn you,
1:01:22 > 1:01:28I'm a fully trained Dobunni warrior queen - skilled in over a dozen martial arts,
1:01:31 > 1:01:35including the Celtic kick or feet of thunder as it has become 'popularly'ly' known.
1:01:35 > 1:01:38I can kill a man in
1:01:38 > 1:01:4217 different ways - 18 if you include cooking.
1:01:42 > 1:01:45- Are we friends now?- Yes.
1:01:45 > 1:01:47Right.
1:01:47 > 1:01:49You faint and I'll do him.
1:01:49 > 1:01:52Yeah, I agree but the other way round.
1:01:52 > 1:01:54No, I've got to deliver the first blow.
1:01:54 > 1:01:59- I don't want to explain that because I've had kids.- Yeah, bring that up! I'm single.
1:01:59 > 1:02:01You've got to be first, haven't you?
1:02:01 > 1:02:02Chippy, chippy, middle child.
1:02:02 > 1:02:05- Me chippy?- Now you're going to cause a scene in front of the German.
1:02:05 > 1:02:08- I'm not causing a scene. - "I'm not causing a scene!"
1:02:08 > 1:02:12- Oh, shut up!- After you shut up! - So I can be the first when it comes to shutting up, can I?
1:02:17 > 1:02:21CROWD: Kill, kill, kill!
1:02:21 > 1:02:24Kill, kill, kill!
1:02:24 > 1:02:26Kill, kill, kill!
1:02:45 > 1:02:47I feel good.
1:02:51 > 1:02:54Okey-dokey, that's a lunch.
1:03:00 > 1:03:02It's all my fault.
1:03:02 > 1:03:04Don't!
1:03:04 > 1:03:08She came here to rescue me.
1:03:08 > 1:03:09She did, didn't she?
1:03:13 > 1:03:17I was always so horrible to her.
1:03:17 > 1:03:19I wasn't even horrible to her.
1:03:19 > 1:03:22I wish I'd been more horrible to her or laughed at her a bit.
1:03:27 > 1:03:30It's too late now.
1:03:30 > 1:03:32She's gone.
1:03:32 > 1:03:36If only there were gods to help us. If only they were real,
1:03:36 > 1:03:41not just some primitive society projecting its own moral system,
1:03:41 > 1:03:45and an unknowable cosmos in order to justify itself.
1:03:45 > 1:03:48- Fucking hell!- Who are you?
1:03:52 > 1:03:54I look after your sister.
1:03:54 > 1:03:56I've been a little remiss.
1:04:00 > 1:04:04You wouldn't have such a thing as magic chicken innards on you, would you?
1:04:09 > 1:04:10Yeah.
1:04:16 > 1:04:19If these are what I think they are, we may be in luck.
1:04:19 > 1:04:20Stand back!
1:04:24 > 1:04:27She's completely mental.
1:04:28 > 1:04:34- Disappointing! Right.- Look!
1:04:38 > 1:04:40THEY COUGH
1:04:48 > 1:04:50Where does this go?
1:04:50 > 1:04:54The other world!
1:04:56 > 1:04:59Go, quickly!
1:04:59 > 1:05:02The invasion has already begun.
1:05:06 > 1:05:08Oi!
1:05:10 > 1:05:12Tunnel-phobic.
1:05:12 > 1:05:15- Shut up.- I don't like it.
1:05:15 > 1:05:16Hyper panic attack.
1:05:16 > 1:05:22Do you know what, I think this is one of those tunnels that goes on and on...
1:05:26 > 1:05:28Oh!
1:05:31 > 1:05:33What the bloody hell's going on here?
1:05:33 > 1:05:38It's like home. It's beautiful.
1:05:44 > 1:05:47- Oh, it's like when we were kids. - Are we on drugs?
1:05:47 > 1:05:51CHANT: You're great, you're brilliant, you're wonderful!
1:05:53 > 1:05:57CHANT: No, seriously, you're great, you're brilliant, you're wonderful.
1:05:57 > 1:05:58Oh, stop it!
1:06:04 > 1:06:07Sisters, you came!
1:06:09 > 1:06:11Sorry, sorry, do excuse me!
1:06:16 > 1:06:18Hello. Hello.
1:06:19 > 1:06:22- So, this is your other world.- Yeah.
1:06:22 > 1:06:26It's everything I ever dreamed of. Everything's perfect here and everybody loves me.
1:06:26 > 1:06:31- We've come to take you back. - What? Why?
1:06:31 > 1:06:34Because we love you.
1:06:34 > 1:06:39- Yeah.- Oh!
1:06:42 > 1:06:44You have never said anything like that to me before.
1:06:48 > 1:06:50Still not coming and you can't make me.
1:06:50 > 1:06:53Ah, but you must want to be rescued or we wouldn't be here.
1:06:53 > 1:06:55What? Um...
1:06:57 > 1:07:01Well, I've changed my mind,
1:07:01 > 1:07:06which I can because it's my world.
1:07:06 > 1:07:09Actually, you know, that's an unanswerable argument.
1:07:09 > 1:07:12It is. Grab her legs.
1:07:18 > 1:07:22I see some steps going up.
1:07:22 > 1:07:23Thank you, thank you, God.
1:07:28 > 1:07:30Fresh air!
1:07:37 > 1:07:41- Bollocks!- It's them. Kill them.
1:07:42 > 1:07:44CROWD: Kill, kill.
1:07:44 > 1:07:48Let's just take it nice and easy. They may not have noticed us.
1:07:48 > 1:07:51Kill, kill, kill!
1:07:51 > 1:07:53There you see, what did I say?
1:07:54 > 1:07:56Call out the guards.
1:08:08 > 1:08:10Right in the heart.
1:08:10 > 1:08:13Yes, normally that would be fatal.
1:08:13 > 1:08:18However, I had my heart moved to the other side of the chest to counter this.
1:08:18 > 1:08:24In the same operation, I had my entire nervous system ripped out of my body,
1:08:24 > 1:08:28so I'm not able to feel any pain in the vital organs.
1:08:28 > 1:08:31Your God!
1:08:33 > 1:08:34I do little one first.
1:08:36 > 1:08:39Strange, I've killed you before, haven't I?
1:08:39 > 1:08:40So many shows.
1:08:40 > 1:08:44I'm Maurice. I think, this time,
1:08:44 > 1:08:48I will cut to in two, like I would half a pig.
1:08:51 > 1:08:53What did you call me?
1:08:53 > 1:08:57You called me "half a pig!"
1:08:57 > 1:09:00No, I said I would half you like a pig.
1:09:00 > 1:09:04No, you didn't. You said, "I will cut you, ha, ha, ha, half a pig!"
1:09:04 > 1:09:10No, I said half with an F, not half a pig, the adjectival clause,
1:09:10 > 1:09:13but half, the active verb, to half!
1:09:13 > 1:09:17My name is Worthaboutapig!
1:09:17 > 1:09:19We have covered this point, I think.
1:09:19 > 1:09:23- Say it!- No.
1:09:23 > 1:09:26ARGH!
1:09:44 > 1:09:47I can't feel nothing.
1:09:53 > 1:09:56Oh, no, it's not enough to be killed once in one day, is it?
1:09:56 > 1:10:02I tell you, I have had enough. I am officially wee'd off.
1:10:02 > 1:10:06Just because I'm unlucky and a coward and have bad boobs,
1:10:06 > 1:10:10and a face like a pie, it's all right to always pick on me, is it?
1:10:10 > 1:10:13My mother kept me in a bag of weevils till I was five.
1:10:13 > 1:10:16Oh, he's not even listening. You're not even listening to me, are you?
1:10:16 > 1:10:21Why does no one ever, ever listen to me?
1:10:21 > 1:10:23My only friend is a goose.
1:10:23 > 1:10:28Come back, you coward. I want to die.
1:10:28 > 1:10:29I want to be dead.
1:10:33 > 1:10:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:10:46 > 1:10:49Nice work there, technically, with the teeth!
1:10:49 > 1:10:51OK there, little sis?
1:10:51 > 1:10:54Yeah. I feel strangely liberated.
1:10:54 > 1:10:56I feel good.
1:10:59 > 1:11:00Pig!
1:11:02 > 1:11:05No, it's the time for the Celtic kick.
1:11:05 > 1:11:08Yes.
1:11:08 > 1:11:10Be careful!
1:11:10 > 1:11:12They have the famous feet of thunder.
1:11:12 > 1:11:14Always keep the eyes on the feet.
1:11:49 > 1:11:52Right! Run like...fast!
1:11:54 > 1:11:55This way!
1:12:05 > 1:12:07What are you doing?
1:12:07 > 1:12:09- Are you mad? - We might never come back here.
1:12:11 > 1:12:13Actually, they're really nice.
1:12:13 > 1:12:16I think I'll have a pair too. Nines, nines?
1:12:20 > 1:12:22Got anything a bit less strappy?
1:12:31 > 1:12:34Have either of you noticed anything about my breasts?
1:12:34 > 1:12:38- Wow, you've still got your other-worldly ones.- That's the thing.
1:12:38 > 1:12:42These are actually mine. Incredible, isn't it? It's this Gaulish boob holder.
1:12:42 > 1:12:44What's going on?
1:12:51 > 1:12:55- Come on!- There's something I've got to take care of in Deal.
1:12:55 > 1:12:57We've got to save Britain.
1:13:09 > 1:13:14Fat chap is a two-faced poncey French git.
1:13:31 > 1:13:33There must be thousands of them.
1:13:33 > 1:13:36Ah, but how many are we?
1:13:36 > 1:13:3950, including geese.
1:13:49 > 1:13:53The fools! They have us surrounded.
1:13:53 > 1:13:57They made the most elementary mistake in the art of war.
1:13:57 > 1:13:59Or, have I got that wrong?
1:13:59 > 1:14:03- Oh, who cares? They have forgotten they are facing the mighty... - SHE SPLUTTERS
1:14:17 > 1:14:20- I'll summon up a swarm of bees.- No!
1:14:20 > 1:14:23I said, I'll summon a swarm of bees.
1:14:23 > 1:14:25She's getting very wilful, isn't she?
1:14:31 > 1:14:33OK, OK.
1:14:35 > 1:14:37Right, you go that side, I'll go behind.
1:14:39 > 1:14:45If we don't see each other again, I'm sorry about the...hate.
1:14:49 > 1:14:53The funny thing is, I can't even remember why we hate each other.
1:15:03 > 1:15:06- Right!- Right! No prisoners.
1:15:22 > 1:15:24SHE CHANTS
1:15:35 > 1:15:38Ah, they come!
1:15:49 > 1:15:53Tribe, this is it.
1:15:53 > 1:15:56Look, there!
1:16:02 > 1:16:05Come on, boys! Good! Attack!
1:16:20 > 1:16:23Last one in's a Celt!
1:16:36 > 1:16:37Be careful, ma'am.
1:16:45 > 1:16:47What's going on?
1:16:47 > 1:16:49They are women.
1:16:49 > 1:16:51They take us from behind.
1:16:51 > 1:16:53Barbarians.
1:16:59 > 1:17:02Hail, Caesar! I come from Deal harbour.
1:17:02 > 1:17:06The ship anchors had been cut in the night. A storm comes.
1:17:06 > 1:17:10If we do not retreat, we will lose touch with the fleet.
1:17:10 > 1:17:12To the sea.
1:17:12 > 1:17:14I never get to see the ladies fight.
1:17:28 > 1:17:31Everybody, relax!
1:17:32 > 1:17:36Caesar, he piss off home.
1:17:36 > 1:17:38CHEERING
1:17:50 > 1:17:55Fuckers! Bastards! Filthy bees! Ow!
1:18:02 > 1:18:06Go! Save yourself, Caesar.
1:18:06 > 1:18:08The Republic needs you.
1:18:14 > 1:18:17This invasion is going to need one hell of a speech.
1:18:35 > 1:18:38Free at last.
1:18:38 > 1:18:40Oh, my brave boys!
1:18:40 > 1:18:42Congratulations! Well done!
1:18:42 > 1:18:46Lovely war, really lovely. Oh, you have got a big wound, haven't you?
1:18:46 > 1:18:51Hello, well done. I love the blue round the eyes.
1:18:51 > 1:18:53Really nice. Well done!
1:18:54 > 1:18:57Look, great queen, it's...
1:18:57 > 1:19:00the Princess - returned.
1:19:05 > 1:19:09How many times must I tell you, not to cheat strangers?
1:19:14 > 1:19:17Smirgut!
1:19:17 > 1:19:20- Mummy.- My daughter!
1:19:25 > 1:19:27What a family!
1:19:27 > 1:19:31Break open the offal and fetch the pots of beer.
1:19:34 > 1:19:36Baby Smirgut.
1:19:37 > 1:19:39I actually brought her back,
1:19:39 > 1:19:41and rescued Dwyfuc.
1:19:41 > 1:19:45Oh, yeah. I remember now.
1:19:45 > 1:19:48That's what the argument was about.
1:19:51 > 1:19:55Oi, you lot, what do you think you're doing with that prisoner?
1:19:58 > 1:20:01And defeated Schlaffwaffe the Goth in single combat.
1:20:01 > 1:20:04It won't mean much to you, but he's huge on the Continent.
1:20:07 > 1:20:09I told you before,
1:20:09 > 1:20:14do not goad or torment the Romans.
1:20:14 > 1:20:16We found him hiding in the woods.
1:20:16 > 1:20:18Reckon he's an asylum seeker.
1:20:18 > 1:20:22Oh, right, pass me that sickle. Let's get his head on a stick while he's fresh.
1:20:28 > 1:20:30Firmus!
1:20:32 > 1:20:35Be quick.
1:20:35 > 1:20:39I shall use this one for sperm.
1:20:41 > 1:20:47Have him oiled, take him to the maypole and tent.
1:21:00 > 1:21:02I'm going to have a baby!
1:21:06 > 1:21:10I'm back.
1:21:10 > 1:21:12Absolutely pooped.
1:21:18 > 1:21:20Mes dieus!
1:21:20 > 1:21:21What?
1:21:21 > 1:21:24Your tits!
1:21:24 > 1:21:27- Do you mind if I, er...?- Yes.
1:21:27 > 1:21:30Not until you've swept the floor
1:21:30 > 1:21:33and given me a big rub, and made the dinner.
1:21:33 > 1:21:35Sure, baby, sure!
1:21:37 > 1:21:38Thank you.
1:21:45 > 1:21:46Yes!
1:21:48 > 1:21:54And so Smirgut moved down south, Dwyfuc got her baby and I got you.
1:21:54 > 1:21:57- Hmm?- I'm saying, I got you.
1:21:57 > 1:22:03- What?- I get you as a kind of prize for doing well and I get to keep you in my heart....
1:22:03 > 1:22:05You don't understand what I've been saying?
1:22:05 > 1:22:08You don't understand what I've been saying for an hour and a half.
1:22:08 > 1:22:11- Your tits! - You don't speak any English at all.
1:22:11 > 1:22:14- Your tits!- So, what have you been doing while I've been away?
1:22:14 > 1:22:16- Your tits.- Bloody French!
1:22:39 > 1:22:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
1:22:42 > 1:22:45E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk