0:00:23 > 0:00:27MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams
0:00:27 > 0:00:33# It's the most wonderful time of the year
0:00:33 > 0:00:37# With the kids jingle-belling and everyone telling you
0:00:37 > 0:00:39# "Be of good cheer"
0:00:39 > 0:00:45# It's the most wonderful time of the year
0:00:45 > 0:00:51# It's the hap-happiest season of all
0:00:52 > 0:00:55# With those holiday greetings and gay, happy meetings
0:00:55 > 0:00:58# When friends come to call
0:00:58 > 0:01:04# It's the hap-happiest season of all!
0:01:04 > 0:01:08# There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting
0:01:08 > 0:01:11# And carolling out in the snow
0:01:11 > 0:01:14# There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories
0:01:14 > 0:01:18# Of Christmases long, long ago
0:01:18 > 0:01:23# It's the most wonderful time of the year
0:01:25 > 0:01:28# There'll be much mistletoeing and hearts will be glowing
0:01:28 > 0:01:31# When loved ones are near
0:01:31 > 0:01:37# It's the most wonderful time of the year!
0:01:43 > 0:01:47# There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting
0:01:47 > 0:01:49# And carolling out in the snow
0:01:49 > 0:01:53# There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# Of Christmases long, long ago
0:01:56 > 0:02:00# Oh, oh, ohhhhhhhh!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02# Oh, it's the most
0:02:02 > 0:02:06# Wonderful time of the year
0:02:06 > 0:02:10# There'll be much mistletoeing and hearts will be glowing
0:02:10 > 0:02:12# When loved ones are near
0:02:12 > 0:02:15# It's the most wonderful time
0:02:15 > 0:02:18# Yes, the most wonderful time
0:02:18 > 0:02:23# Oh, the most wonderful time
0:02:23 > 0:02:30# Of the year! #
0:02:30 > 0:02:34My firm has discovered two critical things.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38One - most Americans feel that Christmas is a time for family.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Two - most Americans feel that in order to stand
0:02:41 > 0:02:44being around their family for even one or two days,
0:02:44 > 0:02:48they need to swill as much alcohol as humanly possible. Now...
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I'd like you to meet the Noggertons.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55They're a classic American family - they're together on Christmas,
0:02:55 > 0:02:59they're fat free and they're 10% alcohol by volume. Enjoy our family
0:02:59 > 0:03:05- so you can enjoy your family. What do you think?- So you're suggesting
0:03:05 > 0:03:08we tell people that the only way to get through the holidays
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- is to drink spiked eggnog? - I'm suggesting we tell people
0:03:11 > 0:03:15the only way to get through the holidays is to buy YOUR fat-free,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18pre-spiked eggnog in a bottle.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- Take care. All right. - It's all good.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- How do you do it?- I'm very excited. Looking forward to it.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- It went pretty well, huh? - I'm a genius.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- I feel like I could sell whale steaks to Greenpeace!- Nice image(!)
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- Here are your tickets to Fiji. - Ahhh!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Missy, we've been dating for a while now and I feel
0:03:45 > 0:03:48we should take our relationship to the next level.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- I have been hoping you would say that.- So I got you
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- a pre-Christmas Christmas gift.- Yeah? - I want you to open it now
0:03:55 > 0:03:58because...it involves our future...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01a future of you and me together.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04It's, er...it's kind of for both of us in that way.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11OK.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Tickets to Fiji? - Yes.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- First class. - Drew, on Christmas?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Christmas is the family holiday!
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I mean, what are we doing?! What is this?! What is going on?!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Where is this relationship headed?!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Fiji!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- First class! - Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39OK... here's an example
0:04:39 > 0:04:43of one of our problems - you've never introduced me to your family!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46You've never even mentioned your family!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48And how can you be serious about me
0:04:48 > 0:04:53if you're not serious about your own family?! You need help, Drew!
0:04:53 > 0:04:57I think you're missing the point. If I told you everything about me,
0:04:57 > 0:05:01there'd be nothing left to discover. When there's nothing left
0:05:01 > 0:05:03to discover, a relationship dies. You don't want
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- this relationship to die, do you? - It just did.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12C'mon! Don't be like that!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Oh, you're going to be like that?! Go ahead, go!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I'm going to spend Christmas with my family.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20You can spend Christmas alone.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Missy...
0:05:32 > 0:05:34HE SIGHS
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Kathryn, I need you to, er...get, like, a Cartier bracelet
0:05:46 > 0:05:49to send to Missy. Something very expensive, a lot of diamonds,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52very flashy. Include a personal note from me.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- What do you want it to say? - You know, something very personal
0:05:56 > 0:05:59that shows the depth of my feelings, my emotions. You're good at that.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02OK, but it's not going to work.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07That's my man.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15Ohhhh, Dougie! Doogan! Doog-ray! Douglas!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18It's Drew.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Drew Latham. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, what's up, man?
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Ah, nothin', nothin'! Er, hey, man, what are you doin' for Christmas?
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Family? Nice. Nice call. Er, you got room for one more?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Well, I think we are that close.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I love Jewish Christ... I'll light candles, spin the dreidel.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46It'll be great! A matzo-ball soup and baklava!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50All right, that's Greek, whatever, I'm just... You still there?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55No, I know you have a baby, I'm just saying, like, you know,
0:06:55 > 0:06:59what do they do? They just lie there and crap themselves, right?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02How interesting is that? No, I'm not saying anything bad,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I'm just sayin'... Huh?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Well, maybe your wife doesn't have to come, man.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Maybe it's just me and you for Christmas, dude.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Would you mind if I came by to your house and spend Christmas?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22It's like, er... It'll be one or two, three days tops.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55HE SIGHS
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Ahhh! All right. Merry Christmas.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26OK, right over here. Right over here. Stay together. All real good.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- OK, you got... - Freeman! Doctor Freeman!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- Thank God I found you! - Oh, please, sir! Sir!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Dr Freeman, I've got to spend Christmas alone! I'm having a panic attack!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- You got to help me! - Just one question. Who are you?
0:08:38 > 0:08:42I'm the boyfriend of one of your patients. Missy Vangilder.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Oh, you're Drew! You're Drew! - Yes.- Oh, God!
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- What does that mean?- Nothing. Forget it. So, how did you find me?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I bribed a woman at your service. Tell her to raise her standards
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- or you got to fire her. She caved for 200 bucks.- Whatever.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- I just need a few minutes of your time.- Backpacks on the belt.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04- You got to help me out! I don't want to spend Christmas alone!- Please!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Sir, teddy bear on the belt. - Can't she walk it through?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- She's got to put the bear on the belt.- It's a puppy!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- Put Tutu on the belt and she'll go for a ride.- My Tutu!
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- I need one second.- If you could just, please! Give me the puppy.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Step through. - You're abusing your child.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- Sir.- CAN'T YOU SEE I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS?!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- Whoa! Whoa, now! - I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31OK. OK. Hey, I know,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34erm,... I heard it on the radio once, best I can do. All right.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Write down all your grievances about your family.- All your grievances.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Go someplace that reminds you, er, of your childhood at sunset
0:09:42 > 0:09:46and light the paper and as the last shred of paper is burning away,
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- you whisper the words,... "I forgive you."- I forgive you?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- Mm-hm.- And it burns up. - That's it.- I like it!
0:09:53 > 0:09:59- Oh, thanks so much, man! Have a good vaca!- OK. Where's my daughter?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Sir? - Oh, there she is!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Whoa! C'mon out! C'mon out for Daddy!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19My grievances.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38OK, buddy, here we go. That'll be 72.50. My God!
0:10:38 > 0:10:43- That's it! That's the house I grew up in!- How's the 72.50 comin'?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Good. It's comin' good.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Keep the meter running.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- Almost out of salami. - No(!)
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Well, thank you for telling me. - I don't want to run out, that's all.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- God forbid.- Did Brian eat? - I dunno.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- Brian, get down here and eat your dinner!- I'm not hungry!
0:11:24 > 0:11:28- Yeah, you are! - Stop yelling at me.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I'm not yelling at you.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Brian!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35SHE SIGHS
0:11:35 > 0:11:39BRIAN, GET DOWN HERE, PLEASE, SO YOUR FATHER CAN STOP
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- NOT YELLING AT ME! - I'm busy!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46We shouldn't have put the computer in his room.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- He's going to spend all his time there.- Tom, he's advancing his skills.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53One day that computer is going to get our baby a good job.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58EROTIC MUSIC
0:12:00 > 0:12:03What he's doin' up there, nobody's going to pay him for it
0:12:03 > 0:12:06cos if they did, I would've retired at 17.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- What?- There's a guy out there. - Who the hell is that?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29All right, alone on Christmas. I can do this.
0:12:29 > 0:12:35I'm going to rid myself of all my grievances. Be gone, grievances.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41What the...?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I forgive you!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Holy moly! This joker...!
0:12:49 > 0:12:50TYRES SCREECH
0:13:06 > 0:13:09MUSIC: Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies by Ed Hartman
0:13:13 > 0:13:15What are the neighbours going to think?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19He shouldn't have been burning crap in my yard.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Is he still breathing?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Dear God, you've killed the man!
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- Oh, shit, he's still alive! - GROANING: Hello.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Oh!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37My name is Drew Latham. Agh!
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Er, I-I-I-I grew up in this house.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46So that's why you tried to burn it down, huh? Brian, call the cops.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Oh, no, no, no, that won't be necessary!
0:13:48 > 0:13:52I was just outside burning, er... Someone told me to burn a list
0:13:52 > 0:13:55of my grievances outside of the home of my birth
0:13:55 > 0:13:58to help me with some loneliness issues. It's fine.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- Oh.- Anyhoo, apologies and, er, I'm going to go.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Would you mind terribly if I took a look-see around the house?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- I'll give you a tour. - Thank you.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Hold on.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- You got any more matches? - No. No, no, no.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- Are we done with all that?- Yes! The burning? Yes, it's completely done.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- I'm actually quite better. - I'm watching you.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Wow! I can't believe it! This is amazing!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29It's exactly how I remember!
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- You're saying it was always a shithole?- No. No, it's great.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40SQUEAK
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Did you hear that?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45SQUEAK That stair squeaked.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46SQUEAK
0:14:46 > 0:14:48You know what we used to call that squeaky stair?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50The squeaky stair!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53HE LAUGHS AND STAIR SQUEAKS
0:14:53 > 0:14:54HE GIGGLES
0:14:54 > 0:14:55SQUEAKING
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Wow! My old room.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10My God! Hey, look at that! I can touch the ceiling!
0:15:10 > 0:15:15- It's so much smaller than I remember it. Did you do something?- Yeah.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19We had it reduced(!) Cost a lot but, yeah, I think it was,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21er...yeah, I think it was worth it.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25This is great! This is the best, you guys sittin' around,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28eatin' dinner like a family. I always wanted that.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31It's just really wonderful.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36- Wonderful. - So, er, what's for dessert?!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Kitchen's closed. - Awww!
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- I got things to do.- Oh, boy! - Tom, why don't you see the man out?
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- I didn't want to let him in. I'll call you a cab.- Is that necessary?
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- Er, yeah, it is, yeah. - You know, man, I got to tell ya,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53all these years I've been kind of avoiding Christmas
0:15:53 > 0:15:57and I just kind of realised, like, this is what I've been longing for -
0:15:57 > 0:16:02a real family, you know, in a true home. That's why I'm thinkin'
0:16:02 > 0:16:06it might be a good idea if I lived with you.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Huh! DOOR SLAMS
0:16:37 > 0:16:38DOOR KNOCKS
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Tom.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Tom!
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- Tom, please! Please let me stay here! - No.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- I'll pay you! - My family's not for sale, pal.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Tom, I'll pay you 250,000!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Welcome home, son.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57LIQUID TRICKLES
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Mom...!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03TV CHATTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- (Tom, that guy is still here!) - Yeah, I know.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09(Why is he still here?!)
0:17:10 > 0:17:14He's giving us 250,000 to be his family for Christmas.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17And you agreed to this without asking me?
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- Of course I did, he's giving us 250,000.- And how would you like it
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- if I agreed to this without asking you?- That would depend.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Would we be getting 250,000?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32OK, what exactly did you agree to?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- It's a big day for this family. - Very well.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50All right, er, Mr Latham agrees to pay the sum of 250,000
0:17:50 > 0:17:56to the Valcos for services rendered until 11:59pm on Christmas Day
0:17:56 > 0:18:00and for said sum, the Valco family will aid Mr Latham
0:18:00 > 0:18:05in recapturing those childhood Christmas memories,
0:18:05 > 0:18:09including, but not limited to... all due festiveness,
0:18:09 > 0:18:14celebrations, various and sundry merriments and yuletide glee.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- Agreed! - Agreed, right?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Fakin' it anyway, might as well get paid.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- Will there be anything else?- Oh, yeah! I got to sleep in Brian's room.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27What? No. Where is this goin' here?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Like it says in the contract, I get to sleep in my old room!
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Creepy, grievance guy wants to sleep in my room?! If I wanted that,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I'd use a bus ticket these guys keep sending me
0:18:37 > 0:18:39over the internet!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Oh, man, I just want to sleep in my old room!
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Brian, you're in the guest room. - My computer's not in the guest room.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- How am I supposed to...study? - Use your imagination.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Well, I'm going to catch some shuteye.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Er, who wants to go Christmas-tree shopping with me in the morning?!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Er, apparently, you all do.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09HE YAWNS
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I'm home.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Argh! Agh!
0:19:38 > 0:19:40< Brian?! Brian?!
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- I didn't do it. - It's all right. I'll fix it!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47LAUGHING: I'll fix it. Argh!
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Well, that should do it, assuming no other idiot decides to...
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- Is he eatin' my salami? - That's what it looks like.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- It's nine in the mornin'.- I know, it's not really breakfast food,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- but it was lookin' good in the fridge.- Yeah, it is good.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Is that the last of it? - Yep.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Ohhhh! You didn't want some, did ya?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- No, it's all right. It's fine, it's fine.- Ah.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Kathryn, should anyone DESPERATELY need to reach me,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49they can call me on my cellphone. If you need to send me anything,
0:20:49 > 0:20:53the address is 2 Edgewood Road in Lincoln Wood, Illinois.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Stayin' with my family.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Hey, Dad.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02He's talkin' to you, genius.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Yeah, Drew?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Would you, er, do me a kindness? Put this hat on.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12My dad always used to wear a Santa hat
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- when we went Christmas-tree shopping. - CHUCKLING: In public?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- Yeah.- That would be no. And in private that would be no, too.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- Please wear the hat. - No, I'm not wearing that hat.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- Tom...you got to wear the hat. - I'm not wearing the hat.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Wear the hat, Tom.- I'm not wearing the hat. Get it away from me
0:21:32 > 0:21:35before I shove it up your ass!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Tom, are you familiar with the phrase "breach of contract"?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Gimme the hat. - All right.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49250,000.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51250,000.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53250,000.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55You're lookin' good, Dad.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- Shut up!- Hey, Tom! - You hear me?!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- TOM!- Eyes on the road! Dad!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01TYRES SCREECH
0:22:01 > 0:22:03No.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Nope.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Wait a minute. This could be it. This could be it.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- Yep, this is it. This is the one. - OK.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19You're good. Excuse me, folks. Dad, you want to lift that up,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22have a little respect for the tree or...? No?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26It's going to be in our house, so, er... Wait, wait.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Where are we goin' with this?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32All right, let's get that baby up there. Hoist that up.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- Get that on the roof.- Ugh! - Alrighty!
0:22:35 > 0:22:40Here we go. All right! You got it. There you go.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Get around! Get around on it! Get around on it!- Rarh!
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- Brian, get your skinny little ass out of the car!- You got it, Dad!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50You got it! You got it! Nice one.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53All right, I think it's good. I think it's good like that.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Whoo! Christmas time.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- How does it look? - Like it could trigger a seizure.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- I know. Wait till you see it lit up. - I thought it was lit up.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13Oh, no, no! We got to sing Christmas Tree first. Tom, you take the lead.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- You want me to sing? - Yeah.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- Do I have to? - Yeah.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- Would it make any difference to you if I didn't want to?- Not really.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Go on.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34# O Christmas tree, O Chri... # Christine...
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- you want to help me out here a little bit?- No, you're doin' great.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40You're doin' good, Dad. C'mon, you can do it.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48BOTH: # O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
0:23:48 > 0:23:51# You stand in woodland beauty
0:23:51 > 0:23:54# You are as green
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- # In summer snow... - Winter snow.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58# Winter snow
0:23:58 > 0:24:01BOTH: # As in summer's richest glow
0:24:01 > 0:24:06# O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
0:24:06 > 0:24:11# You stand in woodland beauty
0:24:11 > 0:24:14# Ahhhhhhhhhh! # That was great!
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- That was really good. - Yeah, it was... Yeah.- All right.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Without further ado, let's fire it up! Ready?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23One! Two! KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:23 > 0:24:24HE GROANS
0:24:24 > 0:24:27All right, people, take five. I'll deal with this.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28(Thank Christ!)
0:24:28 > 0:24:31KNOCKING CONTINUES Can I help you?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Yeah. Who are you?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- Erm, who are you? - Alicia!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Hey, Mom.- Yay! - Hi. Who is this?
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- Mom, who is this? - OK, what is going on?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Your dad's rented us out for the holidays to this millionaire.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Christine, since when do you have a daughter?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- It's her terrible secret(!) - This is going to ruin everything!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- The whole bit doesn't work! I... - You know what? Erm... Ssh!
0:24:59 > 0:25:04- Will somebody just say something that makes some sense?- Well, every year round Christmas I get...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- No, no, no, no! You, stop talking. Mom?- Drew wants...
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- a family Christmas, so we're going to be his family.- That's insane.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Tell me about it! I never had a sister, so this is bullshit.- OK.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- You are my illegitimate love child...- Mom!
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- ..and you had no idea about her. - Or she could be the maid!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- OK! Enough! - Hey, my baby's home!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Hi, Daddy.- How are ya, Lici? - Hi.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I'm good. You've obviously lost your mind.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- Can I talk to you in the dining room?- You knew about this?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- You stay away from my daughter. - Mom...
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- this guy is obviously crazy... - I know.- ..so I'm going to go upstairs
0:25:40 > 0:25:44and when I wake up in the morning, he's going to be gone. Right?
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- Maybe.- Cos, you know, I'm not going to be a good sport about this.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53- Oh, darling, we would never expect you to be!- Thanks.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56< C'mon, Mom, it's tree time!
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Okey-dokey. All right, we're back on track!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Yeah.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13OK...here we go!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16One! Two! Three!
0:26:18 > 0:26:23- Now it feels like Christmas. - I can smell my eyeballs burning.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Brian, it's very important, don't look directly at the tree.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- Brian!- What?! - Wake up! It's your brother, kind of!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42It's snowing outside! It's snow day!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Why the hell are you waking me up?!
0:26:44 > 0:26:49- I don't want you to miss the fun, man!- What fun?
0:26:49 > 0:26:54Ohhhh! Facial! Ice ball! Whoo! Look out!
0:26:54 > 0:26:58- Oooooooooh! Right in the nuts!- I can't feel my toes.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03- Here he comes! The look of vengeance! Eye of the tiger!- Ugh!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Oh! Oh! Now he's getting furious! Whoo! Whoo!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Whoo!
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- What's up, Tom? - Brian, go inside.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20- See you later, Bri! It was fun. - You like throwing snowballs?
0:27:20 > 0:27:24- Ah, I was just having a good time, you know?- Yeah.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- Throw one at me.- Ah, it's cool! It's all right. Don't worry about it.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- We're kind of finished now. - C'mon! Like you said, it'll be fun.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36- It's gettin' a little chilly, it's all right.- C'mon, throw it.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41All right, I'll throw one. I'll throw one.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Good one.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Now it's my turn.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55SCREAMS: No!
0:27:58 > 0:28:02That was great. Any time you want to do that again, you let me know.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- We said no ice balls, man. - Did we?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Morning, Mom. Freak.
0:28:11 > 0:28:17You know what? We may have gotten off on the wrong track the other day.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- We should just start over. - Here you go.- Aw, thanks, Mom!
0:28:20 > 0:28:22- Mmmm... - Problem?
0:28:22 > 0:28:26Yeah, my real mom puts marshmallows in the hot chocolate.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29You know what I was thinking? If you don't want to play my sister,
0:28:29 > 0:28:34maybe you could be, like, a mysterious Ecuadorean cleaning lady.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38Or a Swedish cleaning lady. I think cleaning lady is good.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40- Oh! Mmmm... - What?!
0:28:40 > 0:28:44My real mom used the mini marshmallows. Sorry.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Speaking of your real mom, why aren't you annoying the hell out of
0:28:47 > 0:28:51- your own family?- That's not really your business, is it, Consuela?
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Ho, ho, ho!
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Alrighty! Welcome, everyone.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09- There you are.- What is this? - These are what we in the business
0:29:09 > 0:29:13- call scripts, Tom.- Excuse me? - You don't have to worry about it
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- because your role is what we call small.- Er, well, you're what
0:29:16 > 0:29:20- we in real life call a jackass. - I don't know about that
0:29:20 > 0:29:22but I do know that my being here
0:29:22 > 0:29:25- may have caused some awkwardness within the family.- You think(?)
0:29:25 > 0:29:29I do, Tom, seriously, and it's even possible that some of it could,
0:29:29 > 0:29:33er, potentially be in some small way partly my fault.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37- Which part wasn't your fault?- Ah, bop, bop, bop, bop! I'm talking, OK?
0:29:37 > 0:29:41So what I've done is I went ahead and wrote a sequence
0:29:41 > 0:29:44so you guys can get a sense of what I'm goin' for here.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48- We're all going to read this aloud. - I feel like I'm insane.- And...
0:29:48 > 0:29:52- that's why you have no lines. Mom, I believe you go first.- OK.
0:29:52 > 0:29:57"Oh, look at us! I sure hope you like the meal
0:29:57 > 0:30:00"I so lovingly prepared for the people I love.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02"She smiles at Tom." No...
0:30:04 > 0:30:08- Have you acted? You've acted before. - A little theatre.- Yeah.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12- I can tell. I can see it. - You were in Pippin in high school.
0:30:12 > 0:30:17- You played wind. - Tom, you have the next line.
0:30:17 > 0:30:21Er... "Say thank you to your mother for all her hard work
0:30:21 > 0:30:24- cooking this meal for us." - "Thank you."
0:30:24 > 0:30:28- "Oh, I don't work nearly as hard as you, dear!"- That's true.
0:30:28 > 0:30:33- Tom, let's stay on book, please. Brian, go ahead! - "Gee, Mom,
0:30:33 > 0:30:35"I love you like the dickens. Should we pray?"
0:30:35 > 0:30:40Gee, Beav, do you think Wally's going to give ya the business?
0:30:40 > 0:30:45Oh, there you are, Consuela! Five waters for everyone, please.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47Gracias.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Er, Brian, you were about to say grace.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54- "Dear God..." - Brian, we hold hands in this family at grace.
0:30:57 > 0:31:02"Dear God, thank you for this meal. Thank you for blessing us
0:31:02 > 0:31:06"with a family. Not everyone has a nice family and also we, O Lord,
0:31:06 > 0:31:09"are so lucky to have Drew in our lives."
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Amen.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16"An emotional moment." Sorry, I keep doing that.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19"Brian, if you eat it all up,
0:31:19 > 0:31:22"I will let you sleep with me like I never did when you were little."
0:31:25 > 0:31:27An awkward moment.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31Skip ahead! That doesn't work! That's not supposed to be in there!
0:31:31 > 0:31:34What does this mean? "Doo-Dah enters in his bathrobe."
0:31:34 > 0:31:38Sweet Jim Jiminy! Cold corn in the mornin'!
0:31:38 > 0:31:43- Whoo-hoo! This weather is killin' my joints!- Brian, go get the shovel.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Oh, no, no, no! Listen! When Alicia came, she ruined everything.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50- Because everything was so normal up until that point(?)- Silencio.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54So what I had to do was expand the family to get my real family -
0:31:54 > 0:31:58I had to find my grandpa! So I went and found my doo-dah! Here he is!
0:31:58 > 0:32:02Your doo-dah looks exactly like the guy we saw in Christmas Carol -
0:32:02 > 0:32:05- Scrooge.- I do a lot of community theatre. This Christmas night
0:32:05 > 0:32:09I'm reprising my role as Scrooge in the Lincoln Wood
0:32:09 > 0:32:12theatre group's production of A Christmas Carol.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16- I hope you can make it. - Please stay in character, Saul, OK? "Doo-Dah,
0:32:16 > 0:32:20"I'm so glad that you came here and you're going to stay for the holidays!"
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, he's not! I agreed to let YOU in the house,
0:32:23 > 0:32:25- not Doo-Doo over here! - Doo-Dah.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29- Nobody's talkin' to you! - All right, look, I'll give you 25,000.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35How ya doin', er, Doo-Dah? You can stay in the living room.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39- No, no, Dad, I'm sleeping in the living room.- Not any more.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41Where am I going to sleep?!
0:32:41 > 0:32:44DOG BARKS
0:32:46 > 0:32:47BUZZES
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Agh! I hate these people.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52MUSIC: Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses
0:32:52 > 0:32:55# Bah, humbug, no, that's too strong Cos it's my favourite holiday
0:32:55 > 0:32:58# But all this year's been a busy blur
0:32:58 > 0:32:59# Don't think I have the energy
0:32:59 > 0:33:02# So deck those halls, trim those trees
0:33:02 > 0:33:04# Raise up cups of Christmas cheer... #
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Everybody, get some presents, get your shopping done,
0:33:07 > 0:33:11then meet back at four o'clock at Santa's Village to take pictures.
0:33:11 > 0:33:15Kids, don't lose track of time! Mom, you want to stick with Doo-Dah?
0:33:15 > 0:33:17- Why me? - He's your father.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21- How come you never call? - Tom, Tom, Tom!
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- Yes, Drew?- Aren't you forgettin' somethin', T-Bone?
0:33:26 > 0:33:30Here you go, Lenny. Happy holidays to you and the family.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32- Thanks. You, too. - Hey, Tommy!
0:33:32 > 0:33:36- LAUGHS: Nice hat! - How is the holidays?
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Considerin' I got a pain in my ass
0:33:38 > 0:33:41- about six-feet tall in my house, all right.- Relatives, huh?
0:33:41 > 0:33:45- Kind of.- Oh, your wife's family! They hang around your house all day
0:33:45 > 0:33:48- and drink your beer. - Then eat your salami.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Hey, guys! Wait up!
0:33:52 > 0:33:54SHE SIGHS
0:33:54 > 0:33:56TYRES SCREECH AND HORNS BLARE
0:33:56 > 0:33:58DRIVER: Asshole!
0:33:58 > 0:34:00# You better watch out, you better not cry
0:34:00 > 0:34:03# You better not pout I'm telling you why
0:34:03 > 0:34:06# Santa Claus is comin' to town
0:34:10 > 0:34:12# He's makin' a list and checkin' it twice
0:34:12 > 0:34:15# He's going to find out who's naughty or nice
0:34:15 > 0:34:19- # Santa Claus... # - All right, there we go!
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Excuse me!
0:34:22 > 0:34:25SANTA: All of you?!
0:34:29 > 0:34:32- Mom, this sucks.- Tell your father, he made the deal.
0:34:32 > 0:34:37- Say, "Merry Christmas." - SANTA AND DREW: Merry Christmas!
0:34:41 > 0:34:45- Doo-Dah, interest you in a Christmas cookie?- I can't, I'm diabetic.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49The real Doo-Dah wasn't diabetic, so go ahead and take one.
0:34:49 > 0:34:54Look, kid, I get that, but if I eat this thing, I can't act not dead!
0:34:54 > 0:34:55TYRES SCREECH
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Hey! Slow down, the roads are icy
0:34:57 > 0:35:01- and I don't want you TO KILL YOUR FAMILY!- Perfect, Christine.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05- That's just what my mom would have said.- Before your father
0:35:05 > 0:35:06threw her out of the car.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12- Ah, the old carriage house! Brings back memories.- What's goin' on?
0:35:12 > 0:35:16- Brian, go inside. - What?! C'mon! Dad, look,
0:35:16 > 0:35:20- I'm in my pyjamas! What, you want me to sleep outside?!- Go!
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Fine.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25I can't go in my room, I get... You know,
0:35:25 > 0:35:29when I become a serial killer, don't act all surprised.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32Think positive! Use your positive mindset!
0:35:32 > 0:35:34That's not what we talked about!
0:35:34 > 0:35:37It's hard to get through to him. So, what's goin' on? What's up?
0:35:37 > 0:35:42- You got to go.- What? - We can't do this no more.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45- What do you mean? What can't we do? - Christine and I...
0:35:45 > 0:35:49- Uh-huh. - ..we're thinkin' about breakin' up.
0:35:49 > 0:35:53What?! Why?! Is it my fault?! Is it something I did?!
0:35:53 > 0:35:57- Is it the hat?! Don't worry about the hat! Forget it!- No, it's not you!
0:35:57 > 0:36:01It's nothin' to do with you! It's been goin' on for a long time!
0:36:01 > 0:36:06It's not workin' out. We were going to wait till after the holidays
0:36:06 > 0:36:09to tell the kids and, you know, with you here
0:36:09 > 0:36:13- with your Christmas-cheer crap, it's makin' it worse.- Tom, first of all,
0:36:13 > 0:36:16I want to reward you for openin' up with a big thank you
0:36:16 > 0:36:19cos that deserves some credit. Second of all,
0:36:19 > 0:36:23let me tell you what you need to do. If I was you, coming into some money,
0:36:23 > 0:36:25I'd do somethin' you always wanted!
0:36:25 > 0:36:29- Somethin' for Tom that makes you happy!- I want the money,
0:36:29 > 0:36:35- I really do. It's Christine, she... - Let me worry about Christine, OK?
0:36:35 > 0:36:41I'll worry about Christine, you worry about Tom cos it's Tom time.
0:36:41 > 0:36:42KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:36:42 > 0:36:45- Christine.- Yes? - Can I talk to you about something?
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Of course, dear. I'm your mother, you can talk to me about anything.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52- Are, er, are you all right? - Uh-huh.
0:36:52 > 0:36:57- Are you sure? Cos you just put a bra in Brian's sock drawer.- Oh.
0:36:57 > 0:37:01That's your brother - 15, likes to experiment. We still love him.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04Look, Christine,
0:37:04 > 0:37:07I know about what's going on with you and Tom
0:37:07 > 0:37:10and, first of all, I just want to say that, er,
0:37:10 > 0:37:13I'm feelin' a little ripped off here, you know,
0:37:13 > 0:37:15cos I thought I was gettin' a real family.
0:37:15 > 0:37:19Well, it's time you grew up and faced facts, then, isn't it?
0:37:19 > 0:37:22Mommies and daddies fall in love, make babies, pay bills,
0:37:22 > 0:37:25get mad and stop touching each other!
0:37:28 > 0:37:32Er, second of all, I was thinking maybe I could do something
0:37:32 > 0:37:36to make you feel better. How about just me and you go shoppin'?
0:37:36 > 0:37:40- For what?- I dunno. Let's go shoppin'! You know what I mean?
0:37:40 > 0:37:43It's fun just to buy shit sometimes! Listen to me. I know
0:37:43 > 0:37:46all the best make-up and hair people.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50- Er, the best fashion photographer in Chicago owes me HUGE!- So...?
0:37:50 > 0:37:52You don't see it, do you?
0:37:52 > 0:37:56You don't see what a beautiful woman you are.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00You have grace and kindness and...sensuality
0:38:00 > 0:38:03and this incredibly striking,
0:38:03 > 0:38:06kind of, offbeat beauty that's... You look in the mirror
0:38:06 > 0:38:09and you don't see it. We're going to show it to you.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12How would you like me to arrange your very own hip,
0:38:12 > 0:38:15very sexy, yet tasteful, very elegant, very modern,
0:38:15 > 0:38:19very expensive photoshoot just for you?
0:38:22 > 0:38:23SHE SOBS
0:38:23 > 0:38:26Or not. I mean, whatever...
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Oh, Drew, you've made your mother so happy!
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Great!
0:38:33 > 0:38:34SHE SOBS
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Oh, Mom! Mom.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47Hey, Alicia! You want to go tobogganing with me?
0:38:47 > 0:38:50Oh, I'm sorry, Drew, have I been sending you mixed signals?!
0:38:50 > 0:38:54I just thought maybe instead of sitting around the house
0:38:54 > 0:38:57hating me all day, you might actually like to have some fun.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59No, thanks.
0:38:59 > 0:39:04Ahhh, I see! I get it. You're afraid of fun.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07- You don't like having fun. - What does that even mean,
0:39:07 > 0:39:11"I don't like fun"? Of course I like fun. Everybody likes fun,
0:39:11 > 0:39:16- it's fun.- All right, so, then, why won't you go with me?
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- Because it would be with you. - You know what I think?
0:39:19 > 0:39:23I think you're afraid that you will go and you will actually have fun
0:39:23 > 0:39:26and you might even enjoy yourself a little bit
0:39:26 > 0:39:30- and you'd be with me and, then, what would that say about you?!- Really?
0:39:30 > 0:39:34- Mm-hm. - Let's go.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38- All right. - Ready, Freddie.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42- Well, hello there, youngsters! Goin' tobogganing, huh?- Breakneck Hill.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44- That'll be fun. - Yeah.
0:39:44 > 0:39:49- What do you know?- Back in my day, we couldn't afford fancy toboggans.
0:39:49 > 0:39:50Are you smoking pot?
0:39:50 > 0:39:52HORN TOOTS
0:39:52 > 0:39:54RADIO BLARES
0:39:58 > 0:40:01- What do you think? - Nice.
0:40:01 > 0:40:05- This'll keep you from dying(!)- I had one of these when I was single,
0:40:05 > 0:40:10- let me tell ya.- I bet.- You know what happened to me on the way here?
0:40:10 > 0:40:14- No.- Got propositioned by a hooker. Yeah?- The blonde with the big cans?
0:40:14 > 0:40:18- Hey, Doo-Doo, watch your language around my daughter!- Bri!
0:40:18 > 0:40:22- Take a look at your father's new automobile!- What do you think?
0:40:22 > 0:40:26- It's old.- < All right, all right. Hey, Bri, c'mon.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30- We're going to go tobogganing. - That's...great.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36She's ready.
0:40:37 > 0:40:39Hi. I'm Christine.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43I feel so pretty.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52- What are you doing? - Modelling.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57Here.
0:40:58 > 0:41:03Chad, have you ever seen me so elated?
0:41:03 > 0:41:07It must be this woman. Yes! Isn't she sexy?
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Erotic?
0:41:09 > 0:41:12- Speak! - Oh, absolutely, Heinrich!
0:41:12 > 0:41:16- She's got that special quality - - Get out.- But I'm agreeing with you.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20- You hesitated. - Yeah, you heard him. Get out!
0:41:20 > 0:41:22- Beat it! - Get out!
0:41:22 > 0:41:26- Beat it! - Uh-oh! He thinks we're serious!
0:41:27 > 0:41:30We're very serious.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Very serious.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Yeah! Yeah!
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Ausgezeichnet! Ja! Yeah!
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Ja!
0:41:42 > 0:41:44Ah, erotik! Ja! Ja!
0:41:44 > 0:41:47Oh, yeah! Great!
0:41:47 > 0:41:51Oh, more! Lick the lollipop! Ja!
0:41:51 > 0:41:54- I do not want to do this! - Oh, you say that now!
0:41:54 > 0:41:59Once you get goin', you'll run and jump and squeal with joy!
0:41:59 > 0:42:04- OK?- All right, let's do this. - Here we go. Centre your weight!
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Breakneck Hill!
0:42:10 > 0:42:12Whoo-hoo!
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Whoo! Whoo! That was crazy(!) Did you see him fly down the hill?!
0:42:15 > 0:42:18- That was crazy(!) - It was obviously scarier...
0:42:18 > 0:42:21- Can we go home now? - ..when I was younger. No!
0:42:21 > 0:42:25We are going to risk permanent paralysis or going to die trying!
0:42:30 > 0:42:32That one! Land!
0:42:36 > 0:42:40Yes, sir! Whoo! It's going to be some serious fun!
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Sure, in a Sonny Bono kind of way.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46What's that I hear back there? A little chicken? A little...
0:42:46 > 0:42:48HE CLUCKS
0:42:48 > 0:42:51- ..chicken? - Yeah, and very much so.
0:42:51 > 0:42:54- I'm going to go home now. - Seriously? You're leaving?
0:42:54 > 0:42:58- See you at the chopper. - Wow! Never thought I'd see the day
0:42:58 > 0:43:01that taunt would lose its power. What about you? A little chick?
0:43:01 > 0:43:05No, actually, er, a part of me thinks that it's incredibly stupid
0:43:05 > 0:43:09and the other part of me is in wholehearted agreement.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12- That means you're chicken.- You know what I think? I think that you
0:43:12 > 0:43:15had no intention of going down this hill. I think
0:43:15 > 0:43:19that you knew that we wouldn't go down it. I think
0:43:19 > 0:43:23- you were showin' off, that's what I think.- You think I'm chicken?
0:43:23 > 0:43:27- Mm-hm.- You think I'm chicken? I'm going to give a little clue here, OK?
0:43:29 > 0:43:32You think I'm chicken? I'll show you who's chicken.
0:43:32 > 0:43:36I'm ready to go! Where are you?! Nowhere to be seen! Chicken!
0:43:36 > 0:43:40- Let's go.- You're getting on?! - Yeah.- No, no, no, no!
0:43:40 > 0:43:41Push off!
0:43:41 > 0:43:43BOTH SCREAM
0:43:43 > 0:43:45MUSIC: Crash by The Primitives
0:43:56 > 0:43:59BOTH: WAAAAAAAAAAH!
0:44:02 > 0:44:05BOTH SCREAM
0:44:05 > 0:44:07Ow!
0:44:07 > 0:44:10HE LAUGHS
0:44:11 > 0:44:14BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
0:44:15 > 0:44:17Oh, God!
0:44:17 > 0:44:21See, I told you you'd have... have fun with me.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27LAUGHTER FADES
0:44:31 > 0:44:33Atchoo!
0:44:34 > 0:44:36LAUGHING: Sorry.
0:44:36 > 0:44:38That's cool. It's OK.
0:44:41 > 0:44:45- Here you go. - Thank you.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49- It's kind of my fault you got sick. - It's not your fault.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52We might've gotten sick without tobogganing.
0:44:52 > 0:44:56- Although, it didn't help walking home in wet clothes.- Want to watch TV?
0:44:56 > 0:44:58Uh-huh.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00HE GROANS
0:45:00 > 0:45:02Aaaaagh!
0:45:04 > 0:45:07MUSIC: Cherry Pie by Warrant
0:45:09 > 0:45:12# She's my cherry pie
0:45:12 > 0:45:15# Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise
0:45:15 > 0:45:17# Tastes so good make a grown man cry
0:45:17 > 0:45:20# Sweet cherry pie, yeah! #
0:45:26 > 0:45:29- Hey.- Hi.
0:45:33 > 0:45:37You look different. Did you do something?
0:45:38 > 0:45:42- Are you serious? - I just mean that, er...
0:45:44 > 0:45:46..you look good.
0:45:48 > 0:45:51Thanks.
0:45:51 > 0:45:53Where'd you go?
0:45:53 > 0:45:56Nice wheels.
0:45:56 > 0:45:59- Yeah. You like it? - Yeah.
0:46:01 > 0:46:04Does it seems at all...familiar?
0:46:06 > 0:46:09- Yeah. Didn't somebody we know have one of these?- Yeah, us.
0:46:11 > 0:46:13Maybe this'll help.
0:46:18 > 0:46:20Yeah, I remember.
0:46:37 > 0:46:40- So, what's your deal, anyway? - My deal?
0:46:40 > 0:46:43Sometimes you have these moments of lucidity,
0:46:43 > 0:46:49but then other times just...not so much...normal.
0:46:49 > 0:46:53I don't understand. I mean... I don't want to be alone on Christmas.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56When you're alone on Christmas it's not like being alone,
0:46:56 > 0:47:00- it's alone alone.- This wouldn't be one of those lucid moments.
0:47:00 > 0:47:03- I wasn't goin' for that. - Oh, OK. I see.
0:47:03 > 0:47:05All right, little Miss Grinch,
0:47:05 > 0:47:08I know you're a sophisticated, modern woman
0:47:08 > 0:47:12that's very jaded, nothing gets to you and you have no emotions,
0:47:12 > 0:47:17but I would be willing to bet that even you, before you got old-...
0:47:17 > 0:47:21-er than you are now but still as young and attractive
0:47:21 > 0:47:25- and smart and beautiful how you are now...- That's better.
0:47:25 > 0:47:29I don't know, like... some...moment in your childhood
0:47:29 > 0:47:32before everything got complicated, when you were happy.
0:47:32 > 0:47:36I know you must have some moment in your life that you'd like to relive.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41Yeah.
0:47:41 > 0:47:46Once...I was... I was, like, nine years old
0:47:46 > 0:47:50and we had just had this ice storm
0:47:50 > 0:47:54and I was walking home from school through Bishop Park
0:47:54 > 0:47:58and you know that one big oak tree in the middle?
0:47:58 > 0:48:02It was completely frozen and all the branches were just icicles.
0:48:02 > 0:48:05It was just...it was... it was incredible.
0:48:05 > 0:48:08It completely stopped me in my tracks.
0:48:08 > 0:48:11I just remember standing underneath it,
0:48:11 > 0:48:15pretending that I was a princess in a magical crystal palace.
0:48:15 > 0:48:17It was really...
0:48:17 > 0:48:20It was beautiful.
0:48:22 > 0:48:24BOTH HONK
0:48:24 > 0:48:26MUSIC: Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano
0:48:35 > 0:48:37# Feliz Navidad
0:48:39 > 0:48:40# Feliz Navidad
0:48:42 > 0:48:43# Feliz Navidad
0:48:43 > 0:48:46# Prospero ano y Felicidad
0:48:48 > 0:48:50# Feliz Navidad
0:48:51 > 0:48:53# Feliz Navidad
0:48:54 > 0:48:56# Feliz Navidad
0:48:56 > 0:48:59# Prospero ano y Felicidad
0:49:00 > 0:49:03# I want to wish you a merry Christmas
0:49:03 > 0:49:07# I want to wish you a merry Christmas
0:49:07 > 0:49:09# I want to wish you a merry Christmas
0:49:09 > 0:49:13# From the bottom of my heart
0:49:13 > 0:49:16# I want to wish you a merry Christmas
0:49:16 > 0:49:19# I want to wish you a merry Christmas
0:49:19 > 0:49:22# I want to wish you a merry Christmas
0:49:22 > 0:49:26# From the bottom of my heart
0:49:26 > 0:49:27# Feliz Navidad
0:49:28 > 0:49:30# Feliz Navidad
0:49:32 > 0:49:34# Feliz Navidad
0:49:34 > 0:49:37# Prospero ano y Felicidad
0:49:38 > 0:49:40# Feliz Navidad
0:49:42 > 0:49:43# Feliz Navidad
0:49:45 > 0:49:47# Feliz Navidad
0:49:47 > 0:49:49# Prospero ano y Felicidad
0:49:51 > 0:49:54# I want to wish you a merry Christmas
0:49:54 > 0:49:57# I want to wish you a merry Christmas
0:49:57 > 0:50:00# I want to wish you a merry Christmas
0:50:00 > 0:50:03# From the bottom of my heart
0:50:03 > 0:50:06# I want to wish you a merry Christmas... #
0:50:06 > 0:50:10Hey, er, would you come outside with me for one sec?
0:50:10 > 0:50:13- I want to show you something. - OK.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16- Where are you taking me? - Do you trust me?
0:50:16 > 0:50:20- Er, no, not necessarily. - OK, try and trust me for one sec
0:50:20 > 0:50:23- cos I want to blindfold you.- Oh... - It's a surprise.- OK.
0:50:23 > 0:50:26- All right? - All right.
0:50:26 > 0:50:29- Oh, God, why...?- Follow me. - Why do I get the feeling
0:50:29 > 0:50:33this is going to end with, "And she was never heard from again"?
0:50:33 > 0:50:37- Step, Step. Step. Right there. Stop.- OK.
0:50:37 > 0:50:39- Turn this way. OK? - All right. All right.
0:50:46 > 0:50:48SHE GASPS
0:50:48 > 0:50:51(Oh! Oh, my God.)
0:50:54 > 0:50:58- I...I can't believe you did this. - Wait till you see this.
0:50:58 > 0:51:00Hit it, guys.
0:51:00 > 0:51:03ALL: Hut! Hut! Hut!
0:51:03 > 0:51:06Hut! Hut!
0:51:21 > 0:51:24You see that?! That's you! I know this excellent props guy.
0:51:24 > 0:51:28He owns all these figurines and he painted your hair like that.
0:51:28 > 0:51:31- Those guys aren't even pros. - I'm sure.
0:51:31 > 0:51:34- I had to show 'em how to do the thing...- Oh, wow!
0:51:34 > 0:51:36..and it's not easy to get a camel.
0:51:36 > 0:51:40It's not easy taking a very, erm, personal and private moment
0:51:40 > 0:51:43that I have never told anybody in my entire life
0:51:43 > 0:51:45and turning it into a theme park.
0:51:45 > 0:51:46< ALL SING CAROL
0:51:46 > 0:51:47Shut...up!
0:51:47 > 0:51:49ALL STOP SINGING
0:51:49 > 0:51:52But I'm not disappointed, OK? I'm not mad,
0:51:52 > 0:51:55I'm just mad at myself for thinking that there was more to you
0:51:55 > 0:52:00- than I thought and...that's you. - It's a wrap!
0:52:02 > 0:52:06Alicia. Alicia, wait a second! I care about you!
0:52:06 > 0:52:09- I was trying to show you that! - Look, Drew,
0:52:09 > 0:52:12let me just give you some advice. Save your big,
0:52:12 > 0:52:15expensive gestures for some girl who's impressed by them
0:52:15 > 0:52:18and when you find her, hold on to her,
0:52:18 > 0:52:22cos otherwise you are lookin' at a lifetime of lonely Christmases.
0:52:27 > 0:52:29SHE GASPS
0:52:29 > 0:52:33- I'm telling you, he is wonderful! - It's Cartier.
0:52:33 > 0:52:37- At least he's got manners.- Well, I mean, he's in the neighbourhood.
0:52:37 > 0:52:40- He is?- Darling... - What?- ..it's a day bracelet.
0:52:40 > 0:52:44- Do you like it, darling? - I love it!
0:52:44 > 0:52:48- You're the expert on jewellery. - Are you disagreeing with me?- No.
0:52:48 > 0:52:51- She just got a present, why pick at her?- I'm not.
0:52:51 > 0:52:53(Oh, yeah.)
0:52:54 > 0:52:56KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:52:56 > 0:52:59Brian, tell Drew that I had to take off. There was...
0:53:04 > 0:53:08- Holy cow! What are you lookin' at? - It's just...
0:53:08 > 0:53:12- It's research.- You know, when I was young, we didn't sit alone
0:53:12 > 0:53:16in our rooms drooling over nude ladies on computer screens. No, sir.
0:53:16 > 0:53:19We had to go behind a barn with the dirty girl
0:53:19 > 0:53:22and pay her a quarter so she could show us her goodies.
0:53:23 > 0:53:29- How does this work?- Oh, well, er, here, let me help you here.
0:53:29 > 0:53:33- What are you into? We got Hot Cheerleaders and 3 Way Fun.- Uh-uh.
0:53:33 > 0:53:36- Middle-Aged Hotties - - Now you're talkin'.
0:53:36 > 0:53:40Old enough to know how it's done, young enough to still want to do it!
0:53:41 > 0:53:43- That's gross. - Whoo!
0:53:43 > 0:53:46- Come...to...Papa! - That's not bad, right?
0:53:50 > 0:53:53Dude, it's your mom!
0:53:53 > 0:53:56- Oh, my God! - Hey, can you print that for me?
0:53:59 > 0:54:02Mom, Dad, listen. Please, Drew has to go tonight, OK?
0:54:02 > 0:54:06- I cannot spend one more second in this house with him.- Well, yeah?
0:54:06 > 0:54:11- So what?- So he's making fools of us! Of all of us!
0:54:11 > 0:54:14- < Alicia?!- All right, look, I'm going to take the car
0:54:14 > 0:54:18- and when I get home, I really hope he's gone.- Alicia...!
0:54:18 > 0:54:20Be careful...with the car.
0:54:20 > 0:54:23- Can't we talk about this?! - No.
0:54:23 > 0:54:24DOOR SLAMS
0:54:26 > 0:54:32- What the hell happened?- Nothing. I think she's right - it's stupid.
0:54:32 > 0:54:35This is a mistake. I've imposed on you folks and I'm sorry
0:54:35 > 0:54:39and, er... I'll write you a cheque and I'll spend Christmas, er...
0:54:39 > 0:54:43Well...I dunno, I'll spend Christmas somewhere.
0:54:43 > 0:54:46No...we don't want your money.
0:54:46 > 0:54:49In cash. A cheque'll be just fine.
0:54:50 > 0:54:52I'll get you a pen.
0:54:52 > 0:54:53PHONE RINGS
0:54:53 > 0:54:55- What's wrong with you?- Hello?
0:54:55 > 0:54:59- "Merry Christmas to you, too(!)" - Missy!- The bracelet is amazing.
0:54:59 > 0:55:03- Thank you.- Er, I'm in the middle of something right now. Erm...
0:55:03 > 0:55:07- How did you know my favourite is Cartier?- Er, it's a lucky guess.
0:55:07 > 0:55:10- How did you find me? - I talked to your secretary
0:55:10 > 0:55:13and she said you were with your family. Oh, Drew,
0:55:13 > 0:55:18- I am so happy for you and for us! - Us?- I know what this means for you,
0:55:18 > 0:55:21reaching out to your family after all this time.
0:55:21 > 0:55:25It means you want to be more serious about yourself and me.
0:55:25 > 0:55:29- I want to meet your family, Drew. - I'm sure you will,
0:55:29 > 0:55:33- and they want to meet you one day. - Oh, great! Then we can go to Fiji.
0:55:34 > 0:55:37How about...tomorrow?
0:55:37 > 0:55:39Fiji? Tomorrow?
0:55:39 > 0:55:43You're kidding?! That's fabulous, actually! That's perfect!
0:55:43 > 0:55:48Then, tonight we can spend Christmas Eve together with our families.
0:55:48 > 0:55:53Er...that's going to be hard, er, to pull off, you know?
0:55:53 > 0:55:57Er, it's very short notice and, erm...we, er...
0:55:57 > 0:56:02(Er, one of the family members is, er...challenged
0:56:02 > 0:56:07(and, er,...requires a lot of time to put on, you know,
0:56:07 > 0:56:10- (the proper headgear and...) - Oh, no problem!
0:56:10 > 0:56:13- We're right here!- You're here? - Look outside!
0:56:20 > 0:56:23Oh, my God! You're here?!
0:56:23 > 0:56:27I-I-I mean, oh, my gosh, you're totally here!
0:56:29 > 0:56:33My girlfriend is here with her family! You guys have to help me!
0:56:33 > 0:56:36Just pretend for, like, a couple of hours! I'm begging you!
0:56:36 > 0:56:41- No, read paragraph three - you bailed, we're done!- What?!
0:56:41 > 0:56:44No! Look, I want to go, I'm dying to go, I want to get out of here
0:56:44 > 0:56:47but I got to have a life to go back to! I can't tell her
0:56:47 > 0:56:50- that I rented a family. - I'm sure she knows you're crazy,
0:56:50 > 0:56:54- it kind of, er...shows. - No, a deal's a deal!
0:56:54 > 0:56:57- Unless you want to sweeten the pot a little bit.- That's extortion!
0:56:57 > 0:57:00- I hear the doorbell. - No! No, no, no, no!
0:57:00 > 0:57:05I'll give you another 75 grand, but you guys got to do it good
0:57:05 > 0:57:07or else I'll be SO MAD AT YOU GUYS! C'mon!
0:57:07 > 0:57:08DOORBELL CHIMES
0:57:08 > 0:57:12- I'm not wearin' a hat! - Sure!
0:57:12 > 0:57:15- Missy!- Hey, Drew! - Mrs Vangilder.
0:57:15 > 0:57:20- Captain. C'mon in. Merry Christmas. - Mwah!- Hi, honey. Merry Christmas.
0:57:20 > 0:57:24- Welcome to the childhood home of my childhood. C'mon in.- Hi.
0:57:24 > 0:57:27- I'm Drew's father and this is his mother.- Christine.
0:57:27 > 0:57:31- Letitia. Horace.- And he's our son, there's no doubt about that.
0:57:31 > 0:57:33That's for sure.
0:57:33 > 0:57:34ALL LAUGH
0:57:43 > 0:57:47Oh! You know, I would love to see pictures of Drew
0:57:47 > 0:57:52- when he was small.- Oh, babe, we're not going to bore everybody!
0:57:52 > 0:57:55- Good idea. Bath time for baby. - Awww!
0:57:55 > 0:57:58- Thanks, Mom(!) - Look at him!
0:57:58 > 0:58:01- Drew, are you sure that's you? - Oh, that's me all right!
0:58:01 > 0:58:06- I remember it well. It was autumn and the...- I don't think so.
0:58:06 > 0:58:09- There's no little...dingle. - No.- No.
0:58:11 > 0:58:14Ah, well, yes, it's there but you can't see it
0:58:14 > 0:58:18because it was so...long, er, that Mom had to tuck it back
0:58:18 > 0:58:22- when she gave me a bath. It used to get tangled. Remember, Mom?- Yeah.
0:58:22 > 0:58:25From the moment he was born, it was, er...freakishly long.
0:58:25 > 0:58:27Right. Yes.
0:58:27 > 0:58:28KNOCK AT DOOR
0:58:28 > 0:58:30- I'll get it!- No, I'll get it, son.
0:58:30 > 0:58:33- You stay right there. - Thanks, Dad.
0:58:33 > 0:58:37- So, here we are.- Yeah. - Are we keeping you folks
0:58:37 > 0:58:40- from dinner plans or...? - No, we don't have any plans.
0:58:40 > 0:58:43Oh, we couldn't possibly impose! No.
0:58:43 > 0:58:45ALL CHATTER
0:58:45 > 0:58:48Who was that, Dad?
0:58:48 > 0:58:52- It's Doo-Dah. - Doo-Dah? Doo-Dah's my grandpa.
0:58:52 > 0:58:55- He'll tell us some stories... - I want to meet Doo-Dah!
0:58:55 > 0:58:59..about the 1800s. I know. We don't usually leave him outside
0:58:59 > 0:59:02- in the cold, we usually let him in, Dad.- Let me talk to you, son.
0:59:02 > 0:59:05- OK.- OK. - Don't go anywhere.- OK.
0:59:05 > 0:59:09(There's a guy out there, he's Doo-Dah's understudy cos Doo-Dah...)
0:59:09 > 0:59:12- (Fine.)- (But he's not white.) - (They don't know he's not right!)
0:59:12 > 0:59:15- (They don't know the old Doo-Dah! Let him in!)- (Fine!)
0:59:15 > 0:59:19- This is my grandfather, Doo-Dah! - Sweet Jim Jiminy!
0:59:19 > 0:59:22- Cold corn in the mornin'! - Who are you?
0:59:22 > 0:59:26I'm Saul's understudy. I just came to help out. Feliz Navidad!
0:59:26 > 0:59:29- (Is he Black?) - (Yep.)
0:59:31 > 0:59:35- I can't do it! - My family's this close to 350
0:59:35 > 0:59:39and you're not going to weasel out on us! Put some maple syrup on the ham.
0:59:48 > 0:59:51- Drew. - Huh? Agh! Agh! Agh!
0:59:52 > 0:59:57I'm sorry! Agh! Jesus! I'm sorry! I know I'm not supposed to be here
0:59:57 > 1:00:00- and I'll leave right away! I don't want to cause any problems!- Drew.
1:00:00 > 1:00:04- I'm in a little bit of a jam right now!- Drew, wait!
1:00:04 > 1:00:07- What?!- Listen, I... - Yes?!- Listen, I came back
1:00:07 > 1:00:11- because I wanted to apologise. - Right.- Yes, the thing in the park
1:00:11 > 1:00:14was a bit garish and obnoxious but, I mean, that's you.
1:00:14 > 1:00:17I mean, not that you're garish and obnoxious,
1:00:17 > 1:00:20- it's just that you do things in a big way...- I do, I do.
1:00:20 > 1:00:24- ..and I'm touched. - Well, thank you.
1:00:24 > 1:00:27- That means a lot to me but... - No, thank you.
1:00:35 > 1:00:37Mmm.
1:00:37 > 1:00:40You smell like fear.
1:00:40 > 1:00:44- There have been some developments... - Oh, I have a gift for you!
1:00:44 > 1:00:46- I'll be right back. - OK.
1:00:49 > 1:00:52- No! Hi! - LAUGHING: Hi, honey.
1:00:52 > 1:00:57- Erm, your mom sent me in here to get a cheese ball. What's that?- Er...
1:00:57 > 1:01:02this is a cheese ball! Let's play a game where you don't come back
1:01:02 > 1:01:05- till they eat the whole cheese ball, OK?!- Your family isn't
1:01:05 > 1:01:09what I expected but I'm just so glad you wanted to introduce me.
1:01:09 > 1:01:12- Me, too.- It's all I ever wanted. - Me, too.- Thank you.
1:01:12 > 1:01:15- OK.- All right. Mwah! - Yes, I know. I love you. OK.
1:01:15 > 1:01:19- Fiji's going to be great.- It will be great. I can't wait. Fiji time!
1:01:23 > 1:01:27That's what this was about? You put us through this for a girl?!
1:01:27 > 1:01:30No. No, no, no, no. I just, er...
1:01:32 > 1:01:35- Can I open my present now? - Sure.
1:01:38 > 1:01:41- C'mon!- I thought this was because you had a painful childhood!
1:01:41 > 1:01:45You told me you never wanted to see me again, so I accepted that!
1:01:45 > 1:01:49She just showed up and she wanted to meet my family
1:01:49 > 1:01:52and I couldn't tell them that it was a totally rented family!
1:01:52 > 1:01:56I know you hate me, OK?! I hate me! I hate my own guts
1:01:56 > 1:02:00and I know this is a horrible thing to ask but could you just help me out
1:02:00 > 1:02:04so I can just get through this?! Just, like, take a ride for an hour!
1:02:04 > 1:02:07- Your parents will call you when the coast is clear!- Drew!
1:02:07 > 1:02:12- Your dad wants more salami! - They're playing along?
1:02:12 > 1:02:16Your parents, they're crazy. They think it's fun.
1:02:16 > 1:02:19I'm sorry, OK? I got to go. I'll see you later. I miss you.
1:02:19 > 1:02:21Thank you. You're welcome. See ya.
1:02:25 > 1:02:28They think it's fun, huh?
1:02:29 > 1:02:32Maybe they're right.
1:02:33 > 1:02:38Your tree, Christine, it's so colourful. It reminds me of Mexico.
1:02:38 > 1:02:42Not the better hotels but the colours of the simple people.
1:02:42 > 1:02:44I mean, it's so bright and vulgar.
1:02:44 > 1:02:46CHRISTINE LAUGHS
1:02:46 > 1:02:50- Mom, Dad, I'm home! - Alicia, you're back!
1:02:50 > 1:02:54- There's Alicia! - Hi, Momma.- Aw, you're back!
1:02:54 > 1:02:57This is our daughter, Alicia. This is Mrs Vangilder.
1:02:57 > 1:03:02- Please, Letitia.- I'm just so pleased to meet you, really.
1:03:02 > 1:03:07- And this is our little Missy. - Missy, Missy! Oh!
1:03:09 > 1:03:12Oh, gosh, I've just heard so much about you from Drew!
1:03:12 > 1:03:17God, you're gorgeous! And you are so not fat! Drew!
1:03:17 > 1:03:20- What is the matter with you?! - I'm sorry?
1:03:20 > 1:03:23- Drew, I'm not fat. - No. I was just thinking that...
1:03:23 > 1:03:27- You must be Mr Vangilder. - I wouldn't say that.- Don't mind us,
1:03:27 > 1:03:31- we're just a bunch of kidders. - Hi. I like the family.- Oh, well,
1:03:31 > 1:03:35you obviously haven't met Brian. By the way, where is Brian?
1:03:39 > 1:03:42HE GROANS
1:03:44 > 1:03:46Here.
1:03:46 > 1:03:50I think your mom's startin' to like your grandfather hittin' on her.
1:03:50 > 1:03:53There's a sentence you don't often hear on Christmas Eve.
1:03:53 > 1:03:57It's unbelievable! Poor thing.
1:03:57 > 1:04:01- Excuse me.- It's true. - What's happening over here?
1:04:01 > 1:04:04- What's going on? - Oh, I am learning so much about you!
1:04:04 > 1:04:07- Oh, you are?! Great!- I didn't know you were a baton twirler.
1:04:07 > 1:04:12- Yeah. Gave away the big secret, I guess, didn't you?- Not the big one,
1:04:12 > 1:04:15- so don't push me. - Well, let's go talk to Doo-Dah!
1:04:15 > 1:04:20- I want you to see the Cartier bracelet Drew got me.- Cartier, huh?
1:04:20 > 1:04:23Wow! Look at that. That's just beautiful. Wow!
1:04:23 > 1:04:27That's my brother - never afraid to put a price tag on his feelings.
1:04:27 > 1:04:30That's my sister - never understanding love
1:04:30 > 1:04:34and that you can care about somebody and want to show it in a big way
1:04:34 > 1:04:38- and that you shouldn't be put down for that!- But when you love somebody
1:04:38 > 1:04:42- you don't have to show it in a big way.- So were you slumming it
1:04:42 > 1:04:45when you were makin' out with me in the kitchen?!
1:04:50 > 1:04:54It's a very...a very affectionate family. We show our love.
1:04:54 > 1:04:59- Italians. We're just very warm. - Red-hot, even.
1:04:59 > 1:05:03All right, that's it! Gimme this! Get up! Sit down!
1:05:03 > 1:05:06OK, who wants a tour of the house?
1:05:06 > 1:05:09Now, what you're using right now are the stairs.
1:05:09 > 1:05:14We like these for going up. Er, this is the bathroom...
1:05:14 > 1:05:16(What are you doing to me?!)
1:05:16 > 1:05:20- (What?!)- (You're killing me!) - (I'm just playing along, brother!)
1:05:20 > 1:05:23- (You know what you're doing!) - (Missy likes me.)
1:05:23 > 1:05:27- And this was little Drew's room, now it's Brian's.- Awww!
1:05:27 > 1:05:30Brian, don't be rude. We have guests.
1:05:30 > 1:05:33He would live up here in front of this screen if we let him.
1:05:33 > 1:05:37I guess it's that insatiable appetite for knowledge. Oh, shit!
1:05:37 > 1:05:41Brian, what have you done?! Tom, I don't know what that is.
1:05:41 > 1:05:45I do. It's my wife on my son's computer shooting a V for victory
1:05:45 > 1:05:48- with her legs.- It's been a while but that's what it looks like.
1:05:48 > 1:05:51- LETITIA: Honestly! - That's my little girl!
1:05:51 > 1:05:56- Get our coats!- What's going on? - Missy, get your coat!
1:05:56 > 1:05:59- There's ham! - We're not going! We're staying!
1:05:59 > 1:06:03Lighten up! I had some pictures taken just for me!
1:06:03 > 1:06:06Where would you get a stupid idea like that?!
1:06:08 > 1:06:12Coats! Someone said coats! Get the coats! Got to get the coats!
1:06:13 > 1:06:16SHE GASPS
1:06:22 > 1:06:26- Some things cannot be...unseen. - Brian?
1:06:26 > 1:06:30- Brian? - Great(!) Just great, Christine(!)
1:06:35 > 1:06:37I'll be at the Travelodge.
1:06:39 > 1:06:41HE SLAMS DOOR
1:06:45 > 1:06:48- Merry Christmas. - Mom?
1:06:48 > 1:06:51- Mom? - LETITIA: Oh, dear God!
1:06:51 > 1:06:54Er, wait! There's more of Mom's Christmas buffet!
1:06:54 > 1:06:57If you think we're staying after that, think again!
1:06:57 > 1:07:01Trollops who pose for dirty pictures and various incestuous overtones
1:07:01 > 1:07:06and old...unexplained men! This is, without a doubt,
1:07:06 > 1:07:11- the WORST Christmas that I... - Oh, shut up, Letitia!
1:07:11 > 1:07:15- What?- I've put up with your high-and-mighty act for 25 years
1:07:15 > 1:07:19but these people don't have to! I don't remember you being so superior
1:07:19 > 1:07:22back when you got yourself knocked up by Skippy Altsheller
1:07:22 > 1:07:26- and then tricked me into marrying you!- Oh, my God!
1:07:26 > 1:07:31- I'm sorry, Missy. - Missy, darling, it's not true!
1:07:31 > 1:07:35- Er, you were, you were premature! - Oh, c'mon, Letitia!
1:07:35 > 1:07:39Tell your mother thanks, Drew, and, er...merry Christmas.
1:07:41 > 1:07:45Missy, we'll wait for you in the car. You know, really.
1:07:48 > 1:07:53- Yuletide's a bitch, ain't it? - Oh, shut up! Just shut up!
1:07:53 > 1:07:56OK, Fiji! Let's go to Fiji right now!
1:07:56 > 1:08:00You were right, Drew - just screw family, all we need is each other!
1:08:00 > 1:08:02Just take me away!
1:08:02 > 1:08:03HE SIGHS
1:08:03 > 1:08:06I'm sorry, Missy, I can't.
1:08:06 > 1:08:10Just go home, OK? I'm sorry about all this.
1:08:10 > 1:08:13I'll spend Christmas alone.
1:08:17 > 1:08:20Fine.
1:08:20 > 1:08:23OK.
1:08:24 > 1:08:26Well, then...the only thing
1:08:26 > 1:08:30I have left to say to you... is I am keeping this bracelet!
1:08:34 > 1:08:39I feel bad drinking liquor you're going to need. I better go.
1:08:39 > 1:08:42- Merry Christmas. - All right.
1:08:43 > 1:08:46Missy, get in the car! My God!
1:08:46 > 1:08:48SHE CONTINUES SHOUTING
1:09:00 > 1:09:04You know, I have to ask. Just how bad is your real family
1:09:04 > 1:09:07that you would rather spend your Christmas like this?
1:09:11 > 1:09:14Er...
1:09:17 > 1:09:19..there was no...
1:09:19 > 1:09:21real family.
1:09:21 > 1:09:25What do you mean "There is no family"?
1:09:25 > 1:09:27C'mon, you must have had a family.
1:09:27 > 1:09:31- I mean, you must have had a Doo-Dah, right?- Er, I had a friend
1:09:31 > 1:09:34whose grandfather, you know, was called Doo-Dah.
1:09:34 > 1:09:36I always kind of liked that.
1:09:37 > 1:09:43My dad, er...walked out on us on Christmas when I was four.
1:09:43 > 1:09:48It was basically just me and my mom. She was a waitress
1:09:48 > 1:09:53at, er, the 24-hour coffee shop and she didn't have a lot of money,
1:09:53 > 1:09:57so...when Christmas came around, it was an opportunity for her
1:09:57 > 1:10:02to take a double shift. She did...and, erm...
1:10:03 > 1:10:06..you know, my Christmases were, basically, I just kind of
1:10:06 > 1:10:11sat around the house, you know? And then at night I'd walk down there
1:10:11 > 1:10:14and Mom would always buy me a grown-up stack of pancakes...
1:10:16 > 1:10:19..er, and I would, er, sit by myself at the end of the counter
1:10:19 > 1:10:23and eat 'em. And, er, I did that for Christmas, er, every year
1:10:23 > 1:10:25till I turned 18.
1:10:25 > 1:10:29I haven't been able to walk into a coffee shop since, though.
1:10:29 > 1:10:33- Where's your mom now? - My mom died when I was in college.
1:10:35 > 1:10:37I'm sorry.
1:10:39 > 1:10:42You know what, Drew? There's nothing that you can do
1:10:42 > 1:10:46about those Christmases but the one that you can do something about,
1:10:46 > 1:10:49the one that's here and now, you just spent that
1:10:49 > 1:10:54- destroying my family. - Alicia, look, just for the record,
1:10:54 > 1:10:56I didn't destroy your family.
1:10:56 > 1:11:01- What are you talking about? - Your parents are splitting up.
1:11:01 > 1:11:04It's obvious. Brian knows it, that's why he spends all his time
1:11:04 > 1:11:07in his room on his computer.
1:11:07 > 1:11:11You just didn't want to see it and I can understand that.
1:11:11 > 1:11:15I'm going to go get my dad. Lock up when you leave.
1:11:37 > 1:11:39Well...all right.
1:12:15 > 1:12:17I forgive you.
1:12:29 > 1:12:31HE SIGHS
1:13:33 > 1:13:35LIGHTNING CRACKS
1:13:35 > 1:13:38No! No, Spirit! No! I will honour Christmas
1:13:38 > 1:13:41in my heart and try to keep it all the year!
1:13:41 > 1:13:43KNOCK AT DOOR
1:13:43 > 1:13:45No-one's home!
1:13:45 > 1:13:46KNOCKING CONTINUES
1:13:46 > 1:13:48HE GROANS
1:13:50 > 1:13:51KNOCKING CONTINUES
1:13:51 > 1:13:53What?! I hear you!
1:13:57 > 1:14:00- Are you going to hit me?- No. - Are you going to
1:14:00 > 1:14:04- do something else to me that's not hitting but still hurts?- No.
1:14:04 > 1:14:08- Are you going to invite me in? - Really? You just stopped by to hang out,
1:14:08 > 1:14:13- catch up, reminisce? - You owe me money.
1:14:13 > 1:14:16Right. The money. Yeah.
1:14:16 > 1:14:18OK, c'mon in. I'll get my chequebook.
1:14:31 > 1:14:34You rented my place when you could've been stayin' here?
1:14:39 > 1:14:42- Well, I got to admit, this is nice. - Thanks.
1:14:44 > 1:14:47You still splittin' up with Christine?
1:14:47 > 1:14:52- Yeah, I...I guess. - That would be a shame.
1:14:53 > 1:14:56DREW CHUCKLES
1:14:56 > 1:14:59- What are you laughin' at? - Nothin'.
1:14:59 > 1:15:03I mean, it's...it's kind of ironic - I paid all that money
1:15:03 > 1:15:07to be part of your family and you're giving it away for nothin'.
1:15:09 > 1:15:13Look at this. That's the ticket to Doo-Dah's play.
1:15:13 > 1:15:15Yeah, I got mine, too.
1:15:24 > 1:15:27I'm not very good at apologisin'. I don't even know
1:15:27 > 1:15:31- if they're in there.- C'mon, Tom, what do you have to lose?
1:15:34 > 1:15:39- What do you want with me?! - Much!- Who are you?!
1:15:39 > 1:15:43- In life I was your partner... - (See anybody?)
1:15:43 > 1:15:47- (That's Doo-Dah right there.) - What is the reason for this visit?!
1:15:47 > 1:15:51- It is getting late and I've been hard at work!- (He's not that bad.)
1:15:51 > 1:15:55- To warn you, Ebenezer Scrooge... - (He's not that good, either.)
1:15:55 > 1:15:58- (I'm going to find Christine.) - Learn from me!
1:16:00 > 1:16:05My spirit never walked beyond our counting house,
1:16:05 > 1:16:11it never roved beyond our money-changing hole.
1:16:11 > 1:16:16So I am condemned to wander through the world
1:16:16 > 1:16:19to see what I might have shared on earth,
1:16:19 > 1:16:22then turned to happiness.
1:16:24 > 1:16:29- (What are you doin' here?)- You were always a good businessman.
1:16:29 > 1:16:31(Doo-Dah's family, right?)
1:16:33 > 1:16:36(Brian, move over.)
1:16:36 > 1:16:39(No, man, go find one of the other empty seats.)
1:16:39 > 1:16:42(Move over, Brian. C'mon.)
1:16:47 > 1:16:50- (Where's your sister?) - BOTH: (Ssh!)
1:16:51 > 1:16:54- Dear brother! - Fanny!
1:16:54 > 1:16:56(Christine, I...)
1:16:59 > 1:17:02(If I were to leave, I wouldn't even know where to go.)
1:17:02 > 1:17:05(Then, why leave?)
1:17:05 > 1:17:09- (That's what I'm sayin' - I don't want to leave.)- (Then, don't.)
1:17:12 > 1:17:15- (All right, I won't, then.) - (OK.)
1:17:17 > 1:17:20- (Is that all right?) - (Yeah.)
1:17:20 > 1:17:23(It's good.)
1:17:29 > 1:17:34(Hey, Bri...that girl's, er... She's kind of cute for you.)
1:17:34 > 1:17:37- (Talk to her.)- (Stop it.) - (Talk to her.)- (Stop it.)
1:17:37 > 1:17:40- (I saw you looking at her, Bri.) - (Would you please stop it?)
1:17:40 > 1:17:42(I can hear you.)
1:17:42 > 1:17:44DREW CHUCKLES
1:17:45 > 1:17:49(That's embarrassing. That's our grandfather up there.)
1:17:49 > 1:17:52(This is Brian. Brian, you're all set.)
1:17:55 > 1:17:57HE CLEARS THROAT
1:17:57 > 1:18:00(I'm sorry.)
1:18:00 > 1:18:03(Is that your brother?)
1:18:03 > 1:18:06(Yeah.)
1:18:06 > 1:18:10- How do we travel exactly? - Through the air!
1:18:10 > 1:18:13- We fly!- Not so hard! Wedgie!
1:18:13 > 1:18:16- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Wedgie!
1:18:35 > 1:18:37Alicia?
1:18:37 > 1:18:40- Hey. - Hey.
1:18:40 > 1:18:43Were you, er...in there the whole time?
1:18:43 > 1:18:47- No, I was just here to pick up my mom.- Oh.
1:18:47 > 1:18:50She's in there, er... with your dad, actually.
1:18:50 > 1:18:54They're...they're kind of makin' out in the third row.
1:18:54 > 1:18:57- Really? - Yeah.
1:18:58 > 1:19:00- That's good. - Look...
1:19:00 > 1:19:04..I don't expect you to want to talk to me or anything,
1:19:04 > 1:19:08so I'm not going to call you and bother you and give you a hard time
1:19:08 > 1:19:12and...camp outside your place and stalk you, you know,
1:19:12 > 1:19:17but I do want to say that I'm sorry for...what I put you through
1:19:17 > 1:19:19and...say thank you.
1:19:29 > 1:19:32So, who are you renting for New Year's? Cos, you know,
1:19:32 > 1:19:36- us Valcos, we book up kind of fast...- I see that!
1:19:36 > 1:19:39- ..and I'd get on it...- Yeah. - ..if I were you.
1:19:39 > 1:19:43I'm looking for a family with a...you know, maybe a bearded,
1:19:43 > 1:19:46irascible dad with a heart of gold, er,
1:19:46 > 1:19:52a brother who...stays in his room all the time by himself...
1:19:53 > 1:19:57..and, er...you know, a sister who is...
1:19:59 > 1:20:02..wonderful and smart...
1:20:04 > 1:20:07..and really beautiful
1:20:07 > 1:20:10cos...I think that's the kind of person
1:20:10 > 1:20:15that, er... I could fall in love with.
1:20:16 > 1:20:21- You know anybody like that? I know it's tough.- Let me think.
1:20:21 > 1:20:24- Not offhand but I'll get back to you on that.- Let me know.
1:20:24 > 1:20:26MUSIC: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Judy Garland
1:20:26 > 1:20:32# Have yourself A merry little Christmas
1:20:32 > 1:20:34# Let your heart
1:20:34 > 1:20:38# Be light
1:20:38 > 1:20:41# Next year all... #
1:20:41 > 1:20:44Daddy, stop the car!
1:20:44 > 1:20:46Oh, my God!
1:20:46 > 1:20:49Oh, my God!
1:20:49 > 1:20:54- He's kissing his sister. - That is open-mouth.
1:20:54 > 1:20:57- 'Tis the season to be jolly, honey. - Get us out of here!
1:20:57 > 1:21:00- Maybe they're just trying to keep warm.- Get out of here! C'mon!
1:21:05 > 1:21:08# So
1:21:08 > 1:21:11# Have yourself
1:21:11 > 1:21:14# A merry little
1:21:14 > 1:21:17# Christmas
1:21:17 > 1:21:23# Now. #
1:21:34 > 1:21:35MUSIC: Coming Home by The 88
1:21:35 > 1:21:38# Won't you be good to yourself?
1:21:38 > 1:21:42# Don't you feel like comin' home?
1:21:42 > 1:21:45# It'll be good
1:21:45 > 1:21:49# It'll be like comin' home
1:21:49 > 1:21:53# Blend all the days into weeks
1:21:53 > 1:21:56# Keep all your thoughts to yourself
1:21:56 > 1:22:00# It'll be good
1:22:00 > 1:22:04# It'll be like comin' home
1:22:04 > 1:22:07# Because you need a place to stay
1:22:07 > 1:22:11# And I've been feelin' dead since you went away
1:22:12 > 1:22:18# You better believe what I tell you cos you're comin' home!
1:22:19 > 1:22:22# Won't you bring light to my day?
1:22:22 > 1:22:26# Won't you be somebody new?
1:22:26 > 1:22:29# It'll be good
1:22:29 > 1:22:33# It'll be like comin' home
1:22:33 > 1:22:36# Because you need a place to stay
1:22:36 > 1:22:40# And I've been feeling dead since you went away
1:22:42 > 1:22:44# You'd better believe what I tell you
1:22:44 > 1:22:47# Cos you're coming home
1:22:47 > 1:22:49# Tell me that you're coming home
1:22:51 > 1:22:53# Tell me that you're coming home
1:22:55 > 1:22:57# Tell me that you're coming home
1:22:58 > 1:23:00# Tell me that you're coming home
1:23:02 > 1:23:04# Tell me that you're coming home. #
1:23:06 > 1:23:09MUSIC: Happy Holidays (Beef Wellington Remix)
1:23:09 > 1:23:10# Happy holidays
1:23:10 > 1:23:12# Happy holidays
1:23:12 > 1:23:14# While the merry bells are ringing
1:23:14 > 1:23:17# May your every wish come true
1:23:17 > 1:23:19# Happy holidays
1:23:19 > 1:23:21# Happy holidays
1:23:21 > 1:23:24# May the calendar keep bringing
1:23:24 > 1:23:26# Happy holidays to you. #